March 27, 2024 • 32 mins
Episode 114: How to Overcome Toxicity in Your Life & Career
Welcome to an enlightening episode of "Coaching for Millennials". Jose Miguel Longo, renowned millennial life and career coach, passionately engages us on the topic of overcoming toxicity in life and career. Based on personal experiences and practical illustrations, Jose stresses the importance of recognizing toxic behaviors and maintaining a positive mindset.
In a brave recounting of his own struggles, he delves into difficult family relationships and highlights the tough decision to walk away from toxicity. Weaving in raw emotions and humor, he transforms the narrative into an exploration of self-worth and setting boundaries amid adversity.
Transitioning from personal to professional life, Jose gives a detailed account of toxicity in the workplace. In particular, he focuses on the unique challenges faced in human resource roles and everyone's need for open dialogue about these issues. He provides practical strategies for dealing with toxic work environments, either by seeking HR support or considering a career change when necessary.
Always prioritizing mental and emotional health, this episode is a true guide on how to navigate the rough seas of life's toxicity. Prepare to be inspired and empowered to create positivity in your life and career. If you need support in understanding or implementing what's discussed, don't hesitate to reach out for coaching help. Stay tuned for more insightful content and practical guidance on personal and professional development.
Call to Action:
- Reflect on your own life and career. Are there any sources of toxicity that you need to address?
- Practice setting boundaries by saying no to things that drain your energy and prioritizing activities that bring you joy.
- Reach out to supportive friends, mentors, or colleagues for guidance and encouragement.
- If you're experiencing toxicity in the workplace, consider discussing your concerns with HR or management, and explore potential solutions such as finding a new job or pursuing further education or training.
#toxic #toxicity #work #workenvironment #relationships #family #career #life #positivity #future #wellbeing #boundaries #millennial #coach #careercoach #lifecoach
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Are you struggling to find your purpose in life? Do you feel like something
is missing and you need some guidance?
Do you often feel unfulfilled with what you're doing on a day-to-day basis?
Well, I'm here to tell you, you don't have to feel that way anymore.
I'm here to help you through your journey in life to gain clarity,
find purpose, and passion.
(00:20):
My name is Jose Miguel Longo. I'm a gay Hispanic, a husband,
dog daddy, advocate for social justice, and DEI, ally for all LGBTQ+,
a career and life coach and millennial born in 1983.
I have spent my time since the age of 14 working my way around the world of work.
I know my God-given talents are to help those around me to gain clarity in their
(00:44):
lives while finding their passion and purpose.
For the last decade, I've spent my time coaching college students and alums
from all three generations X, Y, and Z in designing their career stories and
mapping what they want to do in their lives.
Whether it's gaining clarity in who you are and what you're meant to do,
learning to build a resume or write a cover letter, holding you accountable
(01:07):
and building your career journey, or designing your life,
the podcast Coaching for Millennials is a how-to guide for all things career,
life, and a sprinkle of everything in between.
It is an all-inclusive space for meaningful conversations on topics happening in our world right now.
It is a space for people to go on a holistic journey in uncovering their passion.
(01:31):
I'm here for all generations, no matter what you identify as.
If you're seeking to transition from a career industry or job to another,
or ready to transform your life completely, I got you, boo.
Whatever the fantasy you're trying to create, let me make it happen.
If you're ready to start the journey to explore your passion and purpose,
get focused on gaining clarity to transform you to a place that will fuel you,
(01:54):
inspire you, and sprinkle some joy and laughter in between, it's time to dive
into Coaching for Millennials.
Hey everyone welcome back to the podcast
coaching for millennials i'm so excited to come to you with another amazing
episode this week before we kick off and get started i want to give you a forewarning
(02:18):
if you do hear any background noise or a dog occasionally barking there is work
going going on outside on my street.
So my dogs are a little bit intense. So I have my office door closed because
every time a truck goes by, they think someone's coming to our house.
And that's not the case. So I want to give you that warning in case you hear
(02:40):
any loud, dark barking or any sounds from trucks that are doing construction work.
But besides that, I hope everyone's having an amazing week. I'm so excited for
this episode because I've been thinking about this topic for a while and thinking
about what content to kind of create around this topic and how to really bring it to you all.
(03:03):
And most importantly, I think that why this topic is so relevant and important
now is that it consistently is a theme and trend I'm finding,
not just in conversations I'm having with clients or prospective clients or just humans.
About themselves in their career, but it's also happening to them in their relationships
(03:23):
and their lives. And this topic is around toxicity.
So this episode is really talking about how to overcome toxicity in your life and in your career.
And what I know, obviously, from all the years of experience,
not just in the work that I do, or the places that I go, but all the people
that I come across, toxicity lives in everyone's life.
(03:45):
I've had it in my relationships, I've had it in my my family.
I've had it in the work that I've done before in the past. And so we want to
always be mindful of the impact that toxicity has and the challenges that it
creates as we walk through life,
whether it's in your career, in your job that you potentially enjoy and enjoy
(04:06):
going to, but you're not really sure how to really handle it and manage it,
or whether it's in your relationships at home, in your family,
or your loved ones, or your friendships.
Those are things things that are oftentimes hard and you have to make a decision
to decide how you want to manage that.
So when we think of it, I really want to make sure that people are looking at
(04:26):
toxicity as a emotion and a feeling, not so much as a problem.
It all comes down to people and humans really looking at ways that they can
understand why that's being presented.
So not you being the a toxic person.
But if you're having a conversation with someone that you know is demonstrating
(04:50):
toxic behavior, that's really what it comes down to.
And that can be hard, right? No one wants to call anybody out,
or sometimes we do because we have to if we do it with our loved ones.
I know for me personally, I had a lot of toxicity in my family when it came to my parents.
And I had to make a a really hard decision on whether I continued having a relationship
(05:12):
with them just based on how it was impacting me and my life and that choice.
I lived with that behavior my whole entire life from a kid to an adolescent
to a young adult and always trying to infuse a fundamental relationship because they were my parents.
But at the end of the day, as I got older, I realized how much it was impacting just not my,
(05:37):
well, how much it was impacting my mental health, but how much it was impacting
the people around me and the stories that they were telling and the behavior
they were emoting that I just had to make a decision.
I'm like, do I really want to continue to have this type of relationship?
And I know it's hard with family. Family is one of those things where I always
say family is an F word for a reason.
(05:58):
So you don't want to dismiss family or tell family to fuck off.
But at the end of the day, it's your life, and you have to learn how to overcome.
The fear of someone else controlling that or the fear of someone dictating the
narrative that's carried with it.
And that also kind of floods into what we do at work.
(06:20):
Sometimes it's not the people that you work with that are toxic.
Sometimes it's the actual work environment.
And that could be problematic because then you have multiple people who feel
a certain way and recognize the toxicity that's being dispersed into the air,
into the environment, but you're not doing anything about it.
(06:41):
And that is also challenging and something that's hard to overcome.
So we're going to be talking about a lot of that today.
I know that was a lot to kind of digest and break down, but I wanted to make
sure that I kind of drew a connection to what I'm really speaking to ahead of things,
but also really being able to look at how do we manage and overcome this when
(07:02):
we're having these challenges.
And when we oftentimes talk about it, it's because we're scared of really being
able to act upon making a move to change the situation.
Change is hard. And I hate to sound preachy, but I'm going to take you to church for a minute.
Oftentimes, when we have these feelings and emotions of what's being presented
(07:25):
to us, it's happening because we're scared of changing or doing something about it.
Sometimes it's really easy to live in our comfort zone and stay in our comfort
zone in the world, in the bubble that we live in to really be like, this is cool.
I'm okay. There's nothing happening here. When meanwhile.
And meanwhile, you're just boiling because you know everything is wrong and
(07:49):
nothing really feels good.
But because we're in our comfort zone, we're scared to actually make a change.
And making changes can be risky. I understand that, specifically when it comes
to your career. But you have to be really aware.
And sometimes self-awareness doesn't come first.
Sometimes it comes as the last thing or the last piece of the puzzle where you
(08:10):
actually recognize that there needs to be a shift.
And that's where we really want to pay attention to when we talk about what toxicity is.
So obviously, toxicity can manifest itself in various forms,
from negative relationships to unhealthy work environments.
It can also drain our energy and diminish our self-esteem and hinder any progress
(08:34):
we're making in our lives or in our career.
But the first step to overcoming toxicity is obviously recognizing it.
So that's where the self-awareness comes into play. when you know there's a problem.
It's not just about talking about it with everybody else or you kikiing with
your co-workers or your family about, did you hear what Aunt Sally did the other day?
(08:54):
Or with your co-workers about like, yeah, that person's real fucking shitty.
You know exactly what I'm talking about because we've all lived it.
But ultimately, you need to recognize for for yourself, are you going to continue
to live and work in this type of situation?
So this is all about taking some action and being vulnerable and being honest
(09:17):
and really being able to take control.
So when you take that momentum to reflect or the opportunity to reflect on your
life and your career and you're recognizing it, it makes it feel better when
you start to take action. But you have to stick with it.
So there's always going to be people or situations that consistently bring you
(09:38):
down or make you feel drained or provide some level of toxicity that sometimes
can make you feel like, why am I doing this? I don't need this in my life.
This shouldn't be what is happening all the time.
If that's how you're feeling this is something
you need to be listening to so share with your best
friend share with your bestie at work share with your aunt
(10:00):
sally that may be the person who may not
recognize their own sexicity you really need to start
paying attention so if everything that i've said so far in the last eight minutes
really resonates with you maybe perhaps start taking notes and obviously i'll
have action items that i'll point out in in the show notes to help you get through
(10:20):
some of these challenging pieces when it comes to toxicity.
So once we've identified the toxicity in our lives, the next step is to really
maintain and create some boundaries.
Boundaries are hard. Let me tell you, boundaries in relationships are hard.
Boundaries around work are hard,
which I will have another episode talking about boundaries about work.
(10:40):
And I hope to get, there's a person who I know who's a relationship coach that
I had had a conversation with years ago, and we were in a podcasting program
together, and I wanted to bring on the podcast to talk about relationships.
So I hope to get her because a lot of the things that we talked about when it
comes to relationships is setting boundaries with your partner,
(11:02):
but boundaries that you can both respect on each other.
So I'm excited for that. I digress.
Getting back to toxicity. So boundaries that act as a protective shield that
help us maintain our own well-being and sanity.
This is so important. It's hard sometimes to choose you.
It's hard sometimes to recognize that you need to make hard decisions.
(11:28):
I know I keep saying hard. I've said it 10 times in the last 30 seconds.
But these are all fundamental pieces to really hone in on what What is really
critical and most important for your well-being?
I can't stress that enough. That is really what we're here for. This is about you.
(11:48):
So whether it's saying no to additional responsibilities at work or distancing
yourself from Aunt Sally.
Establishing those boundaries are essential for our mental and emotional health, period, okay?
That is really the key to how you start to remove yourself slowly and start
(12:10):
to stick up for yourself off and start to be more aware around when this behavior starts to show up.
So after we kind of have that boundary that we've created and we've kind of
set that, I know that sometimes that act is easier said than done,
but it's going to require you to go from within,
(12:30):
dig deep into the insides of yourself.
You have that confidence because I believe in you. You are unstoppable,
you are enough and you are brave, and to take those qualities of that person
you are inside and remember that this is for you. You deserve this.
This is all about you being able to treat yourself with kindness and respect
(12:51):
and to have the ability to realize that your professional life and your personal
life are your own decision.
And the people around them are the people you you choose to keep around.
So the boundaries piece is a big part of this process. It's a big part of this journey.
The action you take and how you present it and how you start to commit to it
(13:16):
and creating that fine line of how you're going to move on or be able to start
making those changes is really up to you.
But the good thing is that you don't need to do this alone.
So it's really important to surround yourself with positivity.
This is often in the form of that BFF.
Even though you had that BFF at work that you were kicking about with the situation,
(13:41):
lean on them. They're there for a reason.
People at work are sometimes our best friends or our friends because we spend so much time with them.
And it's okay to be like, look, you know what? I'm going to make a decision
to really create some boundaries around what is happening at work or ask them
how they create boundaries and how they've experienced it. You can learn so much from other people.
(14:05):
So leaning on your friends, leaning on maybe it's a family member or a brother
or a sister, I've done that with my brother, or mentors or colleagues,
people that are going to help lift you up and really be that affirmation.
I'm just moving my keyboard here because I keep elbowing it.
(14:26):
So that's going to be important. Having a sense of community and a sense of
people you can trust and people that are going to help keep you positive and
uplifted is really going to be important.
The other thing is to cultivate a positive mindset.
I can't stress this enough. I talk about this all the time, whether it's through
my clients or whether it's on the podcast.
(14:46):
A positive mindset is a growth mindset. A growth mindset is a successful mindset.
A successful mindset is going to cause you to change behaviors and start to
help you see the reality of situations.
That doesn't go for just this piece that we're talking about today about toxicity.
It goes for everything in life. I can't tell you how important it is to use
(15:11):
the craft and the art of journaling, the craft and the art of moving stuff around, by the way.
Mindful affirmations. These are tools. These are things that whether you feel...
And I feel like sometimes this stuff can seem a little cliche or it's too good to be true.
(15:32):
I want to remove that a little bit here. And I'm not trying to digress from
what I'm actually here to talk about, but I feel like sometimes this is needed.
This is like, oh, I stopped going to church 10 minutes ago and and I'm coming
back to church again, this is really intentional for your own growth and development.
Affirmations, a positive mindset, mindfulness, gratitude,
(15:55):
these are things that bring us inner peace and shift things in our mind in really
magical ways that help us see our value, our worth, and help us see the best version of ourselves.
A quick story, and I hate, I mean, This is probably like a telenovela for some
people because I always talk about the toxicity that came from my family.
(16:19):
And if you've ever heard, there's a podcast episode, not that I recorded or
may have mentioned about it in some episodes, but I was on a podcast episode
of a friend of mine who interviewed me, and I talked about my relationship with my family.
And the best relationship that I have with my family is with my brother.
I love my brother to death. I would do anything for my brother.
(16:41):
I would take a bullet for him, and I really would. And my nieces are my world.
Anybody that knows me knows that. But my parents have been huge, huge...
Not dictators of my life, but I've always felt like I've surrendered to them
in a way that has made me feel less than as a person.
(17:03):
And regardless of being gay, regardless of actually being married and all the
things, it's always been a weight on your shoulders.
And if you're Hispanic or Latino, however you identify, you can understand this
because we get that guilt.
It's almost like Like the Catholic guilt when you don't go to church or you
(17:24):
have meat on Good Friday.
It's that type of feeling. I know I'm trying to be funny here,
but like it's legitimately true.
Parents have a way of guilting their kids and making them feel like if you don't
do the things that they want you to do, then you're garbage.
And I started to realize like the behavior that my mother particularly was bringing
(17:46):
around, but not just in herself, but like for everybody.
And it just became really, really hard to not only just be around her,
but to believe anything she would say.
She was toxic in a way that she was impacting and harming other people, not just her own family.
And it took me, I'd say it's been probably eight years now since I haven't talked to her. Yeah.
(18:13):
And when I finally kind of drew the line in the sand was that I forgave her,
but told her I never wanted to speak to her again.
And that took me a lot to get to that point.
But how I got there was through positive mindset, was through journaling,
was through mindfulness, was through
(18:35):
meditation and coaching and really recognizing what I wanted in my life.
And what I wanted in my life was not to be around that toxic behavior.
I think for me, what was really hard was that I tried so hard to keep my family
together after my sister passed away.
And I tried so hard to keep my parents separate enough when they were going
(18:59):
through their divorce so that they weren't wreaking havoc on everybody else
that was involved, meaning my brother and the kids.
Kids and it just became like this is all
for nothing because these two people really just can't be around each
other period and all i wanted was for
my nieces and my nephews and people around
my family obviously to just have those two
(19:20):
people in their lives even though they were no longer together and i don't feel
like i failed i feel like i did everything i could my brother knows that i did
everything i could but i always say at the end of the day the only person i
need to be be good with is myself and my brother and my nieces and nephews.
And I say nephews because he has a dog, but I'm also really close to my second
(19:42):
cousin who has a little boy who's my godson, and so he's my nephew.
But I hope that that's relatable or at least makes sense.
It's a hard thing to go through. I literally picked up the phone after I went
through my own journey. I was like, hey, I know that.
The last 20 plus years of my life has been really rough.
(20:03):
And I have had so much hatred towards you.
And I really felt like I can't keep living like this.
So for those reasons, I'm really working towards for forgiveness, and I'm forgiving you.
However, with that forgiveness is really a separation of me saying I don't ever
want to have you in my life again.
And I know that for me, I can't live with this toxic behavior.
(20:27):
And that's what you bring. And I know that that's okay for you to live that
way, because that's your own decision making.
But for me, it's not. So therefore, I don't ever want to speak to you again.
And I have to tell you, was very, very cathartic to go through that and to do it.
I probably I don't remember if I cried.
(20:48):
I'm sure I did because because I'm a very emotional person. But it was hard.
There's nothing more that you want than to have your parents be happy and to
have your parents' approval.
And I didn't want to be a mama's boy, but I always wanted my mother to love
me and have her approval.
And no matter what I did, I was never going to get it. I was always a constant disappointment.
(21:10):
And I felt like at the end of the day, as much as that hurt me,
I'm so much more better off now because I don't have this voice or this person
creating this toxic behavior and energy around me.
I'm so much better off. And that sucks. I know people are going to be haters
(21:31):
because family is everything.
But guess what? Your mental health is everything. And your own mindfulness and
your own health is more important than anything or anybody else.
You can't take care of anybody else if you can't take take care of yourself first.
And that's truly like, I know RuPaul says that, but like, really,
(21:52):
it is so important. It's so important.
So I wanted to make sure I shared a little bit of that journey to give you context and reference,
not just where this has been coming from, but also feel like a lot of people,
if I open social media, or if I open anything,
really just conversations, I'm I'm always hearing someone talking about behaviors
(22:15):
that are demonstrated by toxicity.
So getting back to where we were before I went on my little story tangent,
it's so important to find people that fill your life with positivity and create
a buffer against any toxicity and empower yourself to overcome those challenges.
(22:35):
I think now more than ever, it is important to create a shift and a focus that
is diminishing what that looks like and really removing yourself.
And this might take time. Everyone's journey is different. Everyone's journey
is going to be different.
Something that they have to go through and recognize it. And look,
(22:56):
if you want a coach to help you navigate that,
and if you want a coach to help you talk through those different challenges
and those different things that are really helping you, challenging you to really
feel a certain way, I'm here for you.
Feel free to reach out to me, send me an email, drop something in the comments
on whatever platform you're listening to.
(23:17):
I'm here to help help you. I'm here to walk you through it because I can't tell
you how many clients I've worked with that came to me for something completely
different, career coaching, resume writing, and we just ended up going on a journey.
And it was for them liberating.
So let's shift gears here for a little bit. I want to focus on toxicity in the workplace.
(23:40):
And the reason I bring this up is because I came from that type of environment
before I started working at Handshake, and I kind of, like, ignored it.
It was, you know, tons of red flags. It was also...
Blinding because I literally loved what I did so much that even though all this
(24:07):
stuff that was happening was happening, I was like heads down focused.
And for three and a half, almost four years, I allowed that toxicity of the
environment that I was in to control the narrative that I was carrying and to
ignore everything because what I was doing,
I wanted it so badly and I wanted to to be successful.
(24:28):
But in the day, the pandemic was what opened up my eyes because I wasn't there
every single day and I was working here in my four walls.
That just really made me feel like, holy shit, this is not good.
And I cannot go back to that.
So toxicity in the workplace.
So many of us have experienced toxicity in the workplace. It's often characterized
(24:51):
by gossip, gossip, micromanagement, or hostility.
So the gossip can happen by hearsay or rumors getting started.
And I think that every workplace has gossip. Some of it's healthy,
which I don't know, maybe no form of gossip is healthy, but some of it's healthy.
But in other circumstances, it really comes down to what are you facing in either
(25:16):
your supervisor or your leaders or your your VPs,
that micromanagement or hostility from other co-workers or from people that
you work with or you have to work with because you have no choice because you're
your colleagues, that's where it really comes off.
So if you find yourself in a situation where you're feeling that or you're seeing
that, but you're not really sure how to characterize it or label it, you're not alone.
(25:40):
And the thing with toxicity is that it's essential to address it in the workplace
place because you have to create an open dialogue and being able to nip that
in the bud. It's not good for morale.
It's not good for anybody around it. And it's not good for you to be in that space or place.
Now, sometimes there are certain avenues you can go about to really...
(26:05):
Get the support or assistance needed. And I say sometimes,
because it also depends on how people are connected in your workplace that will
support your being able to vocalize toxicity.
I'm tiptoeing around how to say it without saying it, because I found myself
(26:26):
in that similar environment in my last job before Handshake.
And it was hard, because normally, Normally, I would say to someone,
I'd probably ask a person exactly what their story is and for me to draw some
insight as to what they're experiencing,
but also get characterization from how other people are feeling from what this
(26:47):
person's sharing with me before I say, well, have you gone to HR?
The reason I say HR is because it's hard to say, well, I'm going to go to HR
with an issue. No one really wants to go to HR.
I know it sucks. I worked in HR for four and a half years, and I always looked like the asshole.
(27:07):
No one liked me. Everybody hated me, but I was really there to help.
And I really was never there to harm anybody. But sometimes my job was so hard
because I had to deal with employer behavioral issues.
I had to deal with letting people go.
I had to deal with making decisions on really high-level leaders and really
(27:27):
telling them really hard things that needed to change. So HR sucks.
Being in that position. You never want to be the bad person,
but that's part of the job.
I digress. What's really important here is that HR is supposed to be there as
a resource to help you in navigating challenging situations in your work environment,
(27:48):
period. That's what they're there for.
And if you have an HRBP, a human resources business partner, or an HR advisor,
I would highly recommend thinking about how you would want to approach the situation
if you're looking to really connect with someone to talk about it.
You know, sometimes if you feel like, you know, maybe I don't want to be there,
(28:12):
I'm not quite there yet because it's not as bad as I think it is.
It's important to consider what the alternative is if you choose not to go that path.
Because if if it's affecting you, if your work is now spilling into your personal
life, bear with me here a moment, I need to sip of my coffee.
If your work is spilling into your personal life and you're finding yourself that you're.
(28:39):
Sad, depressed, annoyed, angry, or I just straight up hate my job because of
this behavior, it's time to think about maybe it's time to look for a new job.
Maybe it's time to see if I can transition out of this workplace and into a
new one or a different department,
or maybe explore a different career if it's because of the type of job you have
(29:03):
and you keep finding the same behavior happening in that environment.
I hate to even say this, but some of the most toxic environments I've found
in work have been the food industry.
I think it's just because of the long hours, and you deal with different people
(29:24):
with a lot of personalities, and that can be challenging.
And I can't tell you how many people... It's like a revolving door.
And a revolving door usually is a sure-tail sign for toxicity.
And it typically starts from the top down, excuse me, where it is impacting
the whole work environment and all the people that are doing the work.
(29:50):
So really important to identify what decision are you going to make and maybe
Maybe make a list of pros and cons of how this has impacted you.
Pros being, you know, what's the great thing about being there?
And what is it giving you? And what is it offering you? And the con being like,
(30:10):
how is it impacting you negatively?
If it's impacting your mental health, your emotional well-being,
that is a sure-tell sign that it's time to take action and getting out of your
comfort zone and taking a leap of faith and be like, okay, either I'm going
to HR to talk about this behavior, or I'm just going to look for another job.
(30:31):
So I think that with all of these points that I've outlined today and I've shared
with you today, it's really important to recognize how toxicity can show up
for you in your life and in your career.
Have those ears. I have big ears. Have those ears open, your eyes open.
Really, if you're starting to see people everywhere around you,
(30:53):
that's a sign of toxicity, not just in your family, but at work.
Start to create boundaries and protect your well-being. Boundaries with work,
boundaries in your life, with your family or your friends.
Surround yourself with positive people who support you and are going to be your
cheerleaders. Really address the toxicity in the workplace.
(31:14):
And have an open-ended communication and potential solutions to kind of figure that out.
And I think the most important thing before I let you go today is that remember
that overcoming not just toxicity, but anything in life is a journey.
But with courage, resilience, and support, you can create a life and a career
filled with positivity and fulfillment.
(31:35):
I hope you all have an amazing day. I hope you have an amazing week.
Thank you so much for being here with me this week and for being part of this episode.
Take care. See you later. Peace. Bye.
(32:14):
For more up-to-date content, newsletters, blogs, information about coaching for life and career.
Thank you so much for being a part of our magical world and for being part of
this program. I can't wait to the next episode.
Music.
Are you struggling to find your purpose in life? Do you feel like something
is missing and you need some guidance?
Do you often feel unfulfilled with what you're doing on a day-to-day basis?
Well, I'm here to tell you, you don't have to feel that way anymore.
I'm here to help you through your journey in life to gain clarity,
find purpose, and passion.
(00:20):
My name is Jose Miguel Longo. I'm a gay Hispanic, a husband,
dog daddy, advocate for social justice, and DEI, ally for all LGBTQ+,
a career and life coach and millennial born in 1983.
I have spent my time since the age of 14 working my way around the world of work.
I know my God-given talents are to help those around me to gain clarity in their
(00:44):
lives while finding their passion and purpose.
For the last decade, I've spent my time coaching college students and alums
from all three generations X, Y, and Z in designing their career stories and
mapping what they want to do in their lives.
Whether it's gaining clarity in who you are and what you're meant to do,
learning to build a resume or write a cover letter, holding you accountable
(01:07):
and building your career journey, or designing your life,
the podcast Coaching for Millennials is a how-to guide for all things career,
life, and a sprinkle of everything in between.
It is an all-inclusive space for meaningful conversations on topics happening in our world right now.
It is a space for people to go on a holistic journey in uncovering their passion.
(01:31):
I'm here for all generations, no matter what you identify as.
If you're seeking to transition from a career industry or job to another,
or ready to transform your life completely, I got you, boo.
Whatever the fantasy you're trying to create, let me make it happen.
If you're ready to start the journey to explore your passion and purpose,
get focused on gaining clarity to transform you to a place that will fuel you,
(01:54):
inspire you, and sprinkle some joy and laughter in between, it's time to dive
into Coaching for Millennials.
Hey everyone welcome back to the podcast
coaching for millennials i'm so excited to come to you with another amazing
episode this week before we kick off and get started i want to give you a forewarning
(02:18):
if you do hear any background noise or a dog occasionally barking there is work
going going on outside on my street.
So my dogs are a little bit intense. So I have my office door closed because
every time a truck goes by, they think someone's coming to our house.
And that's not the case. So I want to give you that warning in case you hear
(02:40):
any loud, dark barking or any sounds from trucks that are doing construction work.
But besides that, I hope everyone's having an amazing week. I'm so excited for
this episode because I've been thinking about this topic for a while and thinking
about what content to kind of create around this topic and how to really bring it to you all.
(03:03):
And most importantly, I think that why this topic is so relevant and important
now is that it consistently is a theme and trend I'm finding,
not just in conversations I'm having with clients or prospective clients or just humans.
About themselves in their career, but it's also happening to them in their relationships
(03:23):
and their lives. And this topic is around toxicity.
So this episode is really talking about how to overcome toxicity in your life and in your career.
And what I know, obviously, from all the years of experience,
not just in the work that I do, or the places that I go, but all the people
that I come across, toxicity lives in everyone's life.
(03:45):
I've had it in my relationships, I've had it in my my family.
I've had it in the work that I've done before in the past. And so we want to
always be mindful of the impact that toxicity has and the challenges that it
creates as we walk through life,
whether it's in your career, in your job that you potentially enjoy and enjoy
(04:06):
going to, but you're not really sure how to really handle it and manage it,
or whether it's in your relationships at home, in your family,
or your loved ones, or your friendships.
Those are things things that are oftentimes hard and you have to make a decision
to decide how you want to manage that.
So when we think of it, I really want to make sure that people are looking at
(04:26):
toxicity as a emotion and a feeling, not so much as a problem.
It all comes down to people and humans really looking at ways that they can
understand why that's being presented.
So not you being the a toxic person.
But if you're having a conversation with someone that you know is demonstrating
(04:50):
toxic behavior, that's really what it comes down to.
And that can be hard, right? No one wants to call anybody out,
or sometimes we do because we have to if we do it with our loved ones.
I know for me personally, I had a lot of toxicity in my family when it came to my parents.
And I had to make a a really hard decision on whether I continued having a relationship
(05:12):
with them just based on how it was impacting me and my life and that choice.
I lived with that behavior my whole entire life from a kid to an adolescent
to a young adult and always trying to infuse a fundamental relationship because they were my parents.
But at the end of the day, as I got older, I realized how much it was impacting just not my,
(05:37):
well, how much it was impacting my mental health, but how much it was impacting
the people around me and the stories that they were telling and the behavior
they were emoting that I just had to make a decision.
I'm like, do I really want to continue to have this type of relationship?
And I know it's hard with family. Family is one of those things where I always
say family is an F word for a reason.
(05:58):
So you don't want to dismiss family or tell family to fuck off.
But at the end of the day, it's your life, and you have to learn how to overcome.
The fear of someone else controlling that or the fear of someone dictating the
narrative that's carried with it.
And that also kind of floods into what we do at work.
(06:20):
Sometimes it's not the people that you work with that are toxic.
Sometimes it's the actual work environment.
And that could be problematic because then you have multiple people who feel
a certain way and recognize the toxicity that's being dispersed into the air,
into the environment, but you're not doing anything about it.
(06:41):
And that is also challenging and something that's hard to overcome.
So we're going to be talking about a lot of that today.
I know that was a lot to kind of digest and break down, but I wanted to make
sure that I kind of drew a connection to what I'm really speaking to ahead of things,
but also really being able to look at how do we manage and overcome this when
(07:02):
we're having these challenges.
And when we oftentimes talk about it, it's because we're scared of really being
able to act upon making a move to change the situation.
Change is hard. And I hate to sound preachy, but I'm going to take you to church for a minute.
Oftentimes, when we have these feelings and emotions of what's being presented
(07:25):
to us, it's happening because we're scared of changing or doing something about it.
Sometimes it's really easy to live in our comfort zone and stay in our comfort
zone in the world, in the bubble that we live in to really be like, this is cool.
I'm okay. There's nothing happening here. When meanwhile.
And meanwhile, you're just boiling because you know everything is wrong and
(07:49):
nothing really feels good.
But because we're in our comfort zone, we're scared to actually make a change.
And making changes can be risky. I understand that, specifically when it comes
to your career. But you have to be really aware.
And sometimes self-awareness doesn't come first.
Sometimes it comes as the last thing or the last piece of the puzzle where you
(08:10):
actually recognize that there needs to be a shift.
And that's where we really want to pay attention to when we talk about what toxicity is.
So obviously, toxicity can manifest itself in various forms,
from negative relationships to unhealthy work environments.
It can also drain our energy and diminish our self-esteem and hinder any progress
(08:34):
we're making in our lives or in our career.
But the first step to overcoming toxicity is obviously recognizing it.
So that's where the self-awareness comes into play. when you know there's a problem.
It's not just about talking about it with everybody else or you kikiing with
your co-workers or your family about, did you hear what Aunt Sally did the other day?
(08:54):
Or with your co-workers about like, yeah, that person's real fucking shitty.
You know exactly what I'm talking about because we've all lived it.
But ultimately, you need to recognize for for yourself, are you going to continue
to live and work in this type of situation?
So this is all about taking some action and being vulnerable and being honest
(09:17):
and really being able to take control.
So when you take that momentum to reflect or the opportunity to reflect on your
life and your career and you're recognizing it, it makes it feel better when
you start to take action. But you have to stick with it.
So there's always going to be people or situations that consistently bring you
(09:38):
down or make you feel drained or provide some level of toxicity that sometimes
can make you feel like, why am I doing this? I don't need this in my life.
This shouldn't be what is happening all the time.
If that's how you're feeling this is something
you need to be listening to so share with your best
friend share with your bestie at work share with your aunt
(10:00):
sally that may be the person who may not
recognize their own sexicity you really need to start
paying attention so if everything that i've said so far in the last eight minutes
really resonates with you maybe perhaps start taking notes and obviously i'll
have action items that i'll point out in in the show notes to help you get through
(10:20):
some of these challenging pieces when it comes to toxicity.
So once we've identified the toxicity in our lives, the next step is to really
maintain and create some boundaries.
Boundaries are hard. Let me tell you, boundaries in relationships are hard.
Boundaries around work are hard,
which I will have another episode talking about boundaries about work.
(10:40):
And I hope to get, there's a person who I know who's a relationship coach that
I had had a conversation with years ago, and we were in a podcasting program
together, and I wanted to bring on the podcast to talk about relationships.
So I hope to get her because a lot of the things that we talked about when it
comes to relationships is setting boundaries with your partner,
(11:02):
but boundaries that you can both respect on each other.
So I'm excited for that. I digress.
Getting back to toxicity. So boundaries that act as a protective shield that
help us maintain our own well-being and sanity.
This is so important. It's hard sometimes to choose you.
It's hard sometimes to recognize that you need to make hard decisions.
(11:28):
I know I keep saying hard. I've said it 10 times in the last 30 seconds.
But these are all fundamental pieces to really hone in on what What is really
critical and most important for your well-being?
I can't stress that enough. That is really what we're here for. This is about you.
(11:48):
So whether it's saying no to additional responsibilities at work or distancing
yourself from Aunt Sally.
Establishing those boundaries are essential for our mental and emotional health, period, okay?
That is really the key to how you start to remove yourself slowly and start
(12:10):
to stick up for yourself off and start to be more aware around when this behavior starts to show up.
So after we kind of have that boundary that we've created and we've kind of
set that, I know that sometimes that act is easier said than done,
but it's going to require you to go from within,
(12:30):
dig deep into the insides of yourself.
You have that confidence because I believe in you. You are unstoppable,
you are enough and you are brave, and to take those qualities of that person
you are inside and remember that this is for you. You deserve this.
This is all about you being able to treat yourself with kindness and respect
(12:51):
and to have the ability to realize that your professional life and your personal
life are your own decision.
And the people around them are the people you you choose to keep around.
So the boundaries piece is a big part of this process. It's a big part of this journey.
The action you take and how you present it and how you start to commit to it
(13:16):
and creating that fine line of how you're going to move on or be able to start
making those changes is really up to you.
But the good thing is that you don't need to do this alone.
So it's really important to surround yourself with positivity.
This is often in the form of that BFF.
Even though you had that BFF at work that you were kicking about with the situation,
(13:41):
lean on them. They're there for a reason.
People at work are sometimes our best friends or our friends because we spend so much time with them.
And it's okay to be like, look, you know what? I'm going to make a decision
to really create some boundaries around what is happening at work or ask them
how they create boundaries and how they've experienced it. You can learn so much from other people.
(14:05):
So leaning on your friends, leaning on maybe it's a family member or a brother
or a sister, I've done that with my brother, or mentors or colleagues,
people that are going to help lift you up and really be that affirmation.
I'm just moving my keyboard here because I keep elbowing it.
(14:26):
So that's going to be important. Having a sense of community and a sense of
people you can trust and people that are going to help keep you positive and
uplifted is really going to be important.
The other thing is to cultivate a positive mindset.
I can't stress this enough. I talk about this all the time, whether it's through
my clients or whether it's on the podcast.
(14:46):
A positive mindset is a growth mindset. A growth mindset is a successful mindset.
A successful mindset is going to cause you to change behaviors and start to
help you see the reality of situations.
That doesn't go for just this piece that we're talking about today about toxicity.
It goes for everything in life. I can't tell you how important it is to use
(15:11):
the craft and the art of journaling, the craft and the art of moving stuff around, by the way.
Mindful affirmations. These are tools. These are things that whether you feel...
And I feel like sometimes this stuff can seem a little cliche or it's too good to be true.
(15:32):
I want to remove that a little bit here. And I'm not trying to digress from
what I'm actually here to talk about, but I feel like sometimes this is needed.
This is like, oh, I stopped going to church 10 minutes ago and and I'm coming
back to church again, this is really intentional for your own growth and development.
Affirmations, a positive mindset, mindfulness, gratitude,
(15:55):
these are things that bring us inner peace and shift things in our mind in really
magical ways that help us see our value, our worth, and help us see the best version of ourselves.
A quick story, and I hate, I mean, This is probably like a telenovela for some
people because I always talk about the toxicity that came from my family.
(16:19):
And if you've ever heard, there's a podcast episode, not that I recorded or
may have mentioned about it in some episodes, but I was on a podcast episode
of a friend of mine who interviewed me, and I talked about my relationship with my family.
And the best relationship that I have with my family is with my brother.
I love my brother to death. I would do anything for my brother.
(16:41):
I would take a bullet for him, and I really would. And my nieces are my world.
Anybody that knows me knows that. But my parents have been huge, huge...
Not dictators of my life, but I've always felt like I've surrendered to them
in a way that has made me feel less than as a person.
(17:03):
And regardless of being gay, regardless of actually being married and all the
things, it's always been a weight on your shoulders.
And if you're Hispanic or Latino, however you identify, you can understand this
because we get that guilt.
It's almost like Like the Catholic guilt when you don't go to church or you
(17:24):
have meat on Good Friday.
It's that type of feeling. I know I'm trying to be funny here,
but like it's legitimately true.
Parents have a way of guilting their kids and making them feel like if you don't
do the things that they want you to do, then you're garbage.
And I started to realize like the behavior that my mother particularly was bringing
(17:46):
around, but not just in herself, but like for everybody.
And it just became really, really hard to not only just be around her,
but to believe anything she would say.
She was toxic in a way that she was impacting and harming other people, not just her own family.
And it took me, I'd say it's been probably eight years now since I haven't talked to her. Yeah.
(18:13):
And when I finally kind of drew the line in the sand was that I forgave her,
but told her I never wanted to speak to her again.
And that took me a lot to get to that point.
But how I got there was through positive mindset, was through journaling,
was through mindfulness, was through
(18:35):
meditation and coaching and really recognizing what I wanted in my life.
And what I wanted in my life was not to be around that toxic behavior.
I think for me, what was really hard was that I tried so hard to keep my family
together after my sister passed away.
And I tried so hard to keep my parents separate enough when they were going
(18:59):
through their divorce so that they weren't wreaking havoc on everybody else
that was involved, meaning my brother and the kids.
Kids and it just became like this is all
for nothing because these two people really just can't be around each
other period and all i wanted was for
my nieces and my nephews and people around
my family obviously to just have those two
(19:20):
people in their lives even though they were no longer together and i don't feel
like i failed i feel like i did everything i could my brother knows that i did
everything i could but i always say at the end of the day the only person i
need to be be good with is myself and my brother and my nieces and nephews.
And I say nephews because he has a dog, but I'm also really close to my second
(19:42):
cousin who has a little boy who's my godson, and so he's my nephew.
But I hope that that's relatable or at least makes sense.
It's a hard thing to go through. I literally picked up the phone after I went
through my own journey. I was like, hey, I know that.
The last 20 plus years of my life has been really rough.
(20:03):
And I have had so much hatred towards you.
And I really felt like I can't keep living like this.
So for those reasons, I'm really working towards for forgiveness, and I'm forgiving you.
However, with that forgiveness is really a separation of me saying I don't ever
want to have you in my life again.
And I know that for me, I can't live with this toxic behavior.
(20:27):
And that's what you bring. And I know that that's okay for you to live that
way, because that's your own decision making.
But for me, it's not. So therefore, I don't ever want to speak to you again.
And I have to tell you, was very, very cathartic to go through that and to do it.
I probably I don't remember if I cried.
(20:48):
I'm sure I did because because I'm a very emotional person. But it was hard.
There's nothing more that you want than to have your parents be happy and to
have your parents' approval.
And I didn't want to be a mama's boy, but I always wanted my mother to love
me and have her approval.
And no matter what I did, I was never going to get it. I was always a constant disappointment.
(21:10):
And I felt like at the end of the day, as much as that hurt me,
I'm so much more better off now because I don't have this voice or this person
creating this toxic behavior and energy around me.
I'm so much better off. And that sucks. I know people are going to be haters
(21:31):
because family is everything.
But guess what? Your mental health is everything. And your own mindfulness and
your own health is more important than anything or anybody else.
You can't take care of anybody else if you can't take take care of yourself first.
And that's truly like, I know RuPaul says that, but like, really,
(21:52):
it is so important. It's so important.
So I wanted to make sure I shared a little bit of that journey to give you context and reference,
not just where this has been coming from, but also feel like a lot of people,
if I open social media, or if I open anything,
really just conversations, I'm I'm always hearing someone talking about behaviors
(22:15):
that are demonstrated by toxicity.
So getting back to where we were before I went on my little story tangent,
it's so important to find people that fill your life with positivity and create
a buffer against any toxicity and empower yourself to overcome those challenges.
(22:35):
I think now more than ever, it is important to create a shift and a focus that
is diminishing what that looks like and really removing yourself.
And this might take time. Everyone's journey is different. Everyone's journey
is going to be different.
Something that they have to go through and recognize it. And look,
(22:56):
if you want a coach to help you navigate that,
and if you want a coach to help you talk through those different challenges
and those different things that are really helping you, challenging you to really
feel a certain way, I'm here for you.
Feel free to reach out to me, send me an email, drop something in the comments
on whatever platform you're listening to.
(23:17):
I'm here to help help you. I'm here to walk you through it because I can't tell
you how many clients I've worked with that came to me for something completely
different, career coaching, resume writing, and we just ended up going on a journey.
And it was for them liberating.
So let's shift gears here for a little bit. I want to focus on toxicity in the workplace.
(23:40):
And the reason I bring this up is because I came from that type of environment
before I started working at Handshake, and I kind of, like, ignored it.
It was, you know, tons of red flags. It was also...
Blinding because I literally loved what I did so much that even though all this
(24:07):
stuff that was happening was happening, I was like heads down focused.
And for three and a half, almost four years, I allowed that toxicity of the
environment that I was in to control the narrative that I was carrying and to
ignore everything because what I was doing,
I wanted it so badly and I wanted to to be successful.
(24:28):
But in the day, the pandemic was what opened up my eyes because I wasn't there
every single day and I was working here in my four walls.
That just really made me feel like, holy shit, this is not good.
And I cannot go back to that.
So toxicity in the workplace.
So many of us have experienced toxicity in the workplace. It's often characterized
(24:51):
by gossip, gossip, micromanagement, or hostility.
So the gossip can happen by hearsay or rumors getting started.
And I think that every workplace has gossip. Some of it's healthy,
which I don't know, maybe no form of gossip is healthy, but some of it's healthy.
But in other circumstances, it really comes down to what are you facing in either
(25:16):
your supervisor or your leaders or your your VPs,
that micromanagement or hostility from other co-workers or from people that
you work with or you have to work with because you have no choice because you're
your colleagues, that's where it really comes off.
So if you find yourself in a situation where you're feeling that or you're seeing
that, but you're not really sure how to characterize it or label it, you're not alone.
(25:40):
And the thing with toxicity is that it's essential to address it in the workplace
place because you have to create an open dialogue and being able to nip that
in the bud. It's not good for morale.
It's not good for anybody around it. And it's not good for you to be in that space or place.
Now, sometimes there are certain avenues you can go about to really...
(26:05):
Get the support or assistance needed. And I say sometimes,
because it also depends on how people are connected in your workplace that will
support your being able to vocalize toxicity.
I'm tiptoeing around how to say it without saying it, because I found myself
(26:26):
in that similar environment in my last job before Handshake.
And it was hard, because normally, Normally, I would say to someone,
I'd probably ask a person exactly what their story is and for me to draw some
insight as to what they're experiencing,
but also get characterization from how other people are feeling from what this
(26:47):
person's sharing with me before I say, well, have you gone to HR?
The reason I say HR is because it's hard to say, well, I'm going to go to HR
with an issue. No one really wants to go to HR.
I know it sucks. I worked in HR for four and a half years, and I always looked like the asshole.
(27:07):
No one liked me. Everybody hated me, but I was really there to help.
And I really was never there to harm anybody. But sometimes my job was so hard
because I had to deal with employer behavioral issues.
I had to deal with letting people go.
I had to deal with making decisions on really high-level leaders and really
(27:27):
telling them really hard things that needed to change. So HR sucks.
Being in that position. You never want to be the bad person,
but that's part of the job.
I digress. What's really important here is that HR is supposed to be there as
a resource to help you in navigating challenging situations in your work environment,
(27:48):
period. That's what they're there for.
And if you have an HRBP, a human resources business partner, or an HR advisor,
I would highly recommend thinking about how you would want to approach the situation
if you're looking to really connect with someone to talk about it.
You know, sometimes if you feel like, you know, maybe I don't want to be there,
(28:12):
I'm not quite there yet because it's not as bad as I think it is.
It's important to consider what the alternative is if you choose not to go that path.
Because if if it's affecting you, if your work is now spilling into your personal
life, bear with me here a moment, I need to sip of my coffee.
If your work is spilling into your personal life and you're finding yourself that you're.
(28:39):
Sad, depressed, annoyed, angry, or I just straight up hate my job because of
this behavior, it's time to think about maybe it's time to look for a new job.
Maybe it's time to see if I can transition out of this workplace and into a
new one or a different department,
or maybe explore a different career if it's because of the type of job you have
(29:03):
and you keep finding the same behavior happening in that environment.
I hate to even say this, but some of the most toxic environments I've found
in work have been the food industry.
I think it's just because of the long hours, and you deal with different people
(29:24):
with a lot of personalities, and that can be challenging.
And I can't tell you how many people... It's like a revolving door.
And a revolving door usually is a sure-tail sign for toxicity.
And it typically starts from the top down, excuse me, where it is impacting
the whole work environment and all the people that are doing the work.
(29:50):
So really important to identify what decision are you going to make and maybe
Maybe make a list of pros and cons of how this has impacted you.
Pros being, you know, what's the great thing about being there?
And what is it giving you? And what is it offering you? And the con being like,
(30:10):
how is it impacting you negatively?
If it's impacting your mental health, your emotional well-being,
that is a sure-tell sign that it's time to take action and getting out of your
comfort zone and taking a leap of faith and be like, okay, either I'm going
to HR to talk about this behavior, or I'm just going to look for another job.
(30:31):
So I think that with all of these points that I've outlined today and I've shared
with you today, it's really important to recognize how toxicity can show up
for you in your life and in your career.
Have those ears. I have big ears. Have those ears open, your eyes open.
Really, if you're starting to see people everywhere around you,
(30:53):
that's a sign of toxicity, not just in your family, but at work.
Start to create boundaries and protect your well-being. Boundaries with work,
boundaries in your life, with your family or your friends.
Surround yourself with positive people who support you and are going to be your
cheerleaders. Really address the toxicity in the workplace.
(31:14):
And have an open-ended communication and potential solutions to kind of figure that out.
And I think the most important thing before I let you go today is that remember
that overcoming not just toxicity, but anything in life is a journey.
But with courage, resilience, and support, you can create a life and a career
filled with positivity and fulfillment.
(31:35):
I hope you all have an amazing day. I hope you have an amazing week.
Thank you so much for being here with me this week and for being part of this episode.
Take care. See you later. Peace. Bye.
(32:14):
For more up-to-date content, newsletters, blogs, information about coaching for life and career.
Thank you so much for being a part of our magical world and for being part of
this program. I can't wait to the next episode.
Music.
Popular Podcasts
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.