Why Family Drama Keeps Repeating - and How to Break the Cycle

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Episode 168: Why Family Drama Keeps Repeating – and How to Break the Cycle

Are you stuck in the same frustrating arguments with your adult child or other family members? In this episode, we uncover how automatic family patterns keep you trapped in unhealthy dynamics and show you how to break free. Learn how subconscious programming influences your reactions, why awareness is the first step toward change, and four powerful strategies to transform your relationships.

You’ll discover:

• Why family conflict patterns repeat across generations.
• How to wake up to automatic reactions and choose healthier responses.
• The key to managing emotions and staying grounded during difficult moments.
• Why developing your sense of self improves relationships with your adult child.

Ready to stop reacting out of fear and start responding with intention? Tune in to learn how small shifts can create lasting change.



If you have a relationship with an adult child that is suffering, download this free guide:

5 Steps to Reconnect with Your Adult Child

You’ll begin healing the hurt you’re carrying, and your heart will feel lighter and more hopeful. You’ll begin taking a different road to building that precious relationship instead of walking on eggshells and riding the roller coaster of disconnection and frustration. 

Click Here to Download the Guide

 

Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She works with parents who have families in conflict to help them become the grounded, confident leaders their family needs.
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Connect with us:

Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/tinagosneycoaching/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tinagosneycoaching

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Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Tina,welcome to coaching your family

(00:06):
relationships Podcast. I'm TinaGosney, your family conflict
coach, and I am so glad thatyou're here today. If you're
feeling stuck in frustratingfamily relationship patterns,
then today's episode is madejust for you.
Last week, the episode that Ireleased last week talked about

(00:28):
how families handle stress. Thatwas episode 167 - "The Most
Common Ways Families HandleStress." Often those responses
are automatic. They're verydeeply ingrained, and they're
unhealthy, they keep us stuck infrustrating dynamics, and those
patterns might feel normal, theymight feel comfortable, even if

(00:51):
they're unhealthy, because we'veseen them play out for years and
we've done them over and overagain. Anything that we do over
and over again feelscomfortable, even if we don't
like it. But when we do thesethings, they don't service, we
play out those unhealthypatterns they do not service. So
if you missed that episode, I'mgoing to encourage you to go

(01:12):
back and listen, because it setsthe stage for what we're
tackling today. Is how to wakeup to those patterns and break
them. Everybody wants to know.
Well, okay, now that I see them,how can I do something
different? How do I stop doingthat before we get into those
patterns?
I want to really give a shoutout to those who have recently

(01:33):
left reviews on Apple podcasts.
I have been asking just the lastcouple weeks for reviews, and
you guys have stepped up. Thankyou so much. I read all of the
reviews, and I really appreciatethat time that you are going and
taking to go to the main page ofthis podcast and to leave a
review that is so kind of you totake that time out of your day,

(01:54):
and it really helps to boostthis podcast in the ratings, so
that other people can find thepodcast.
So there's one recent reviewthat I would like to highlight,
and this is by Susie. She said,"I'm loving this podcast. I'm
also a coach and a podcaster, soI love to hear what others are

(02:15):
doing in this space. I keepcoming back because Tina shares
such life lessons and actionabletips that help me in my marriage
and with my adult children too.
Thank you so much." Well, thankyou, Susie for the review. I
really appreciate that. Now. Ilove to get feedback about the
podcast, even if you don't leavea review, I will often have
people email me through thewebsite, through the Contact

(02:37):
page of my website, and they letme know how my podcasts are
helping them to change the waythat they are showing up in
their family, and it's having apositive impact that makes all
the effort to record and editand release this podcast worth
it. If it's having a positiveimpact in your life and in your
family, and if you feel soinclined, I would love to have

(03:00):
you go leave a review, and maybeit will even share your review
on the podcast next time.
I also want to remind you aboutthe free download that I have
for you. This is to help youheal the relationship with your
adult child. More adult childrenthan ever are cutting ties with

(03:21):
their parents, putting inboundaries, cutting ties being
just kind of ghosting, and theparents are left stunned,
confused, sad, grieving. Youknow, if this is you and you're
not sure where to go from here,I want you to go download this
guide, because it's going togive you a good place to start.

(03:41):
It helps you to walk throughsome things that you might not
have thought of before as youapproach your adult your adult
child from a different frame ofmind. The link is in the show
notes, and this guide is goingto be an eye opener for you. So
please, if this is yoursituation, go download that
guide.

(04:02):
Now onto today's content is howto wake up and break unhealthy
relationship patterns. Have youever felt like you know you're
living the same family argumentson repeat, or the same things
keep popping up, differentdetails, same situation, if

(04:22):
that's you, then this episode isreally going to help you to
understand why that's happeningand how to start making some
meaningful changes in yourfamily.
Here is the challenge. We arenot always aware of the patterns
that we are stuck in. In Infact, we are very rarely aware

(04:43):
of the patterns that we're stuckin, because these patterns are
like dances that we've beendoing for so many years that we
know them by heart. One persondoes one thing, the the other
person does another thing,right? We know what each person
is going to do, and how we reactto those dance steps. These
steps feel automatic. We don'teven think about them anymore.

(05:07):
It just becomes the way thingsare.
But I wish you think about this.
If we don't wake up to whatwe're doing, those patterns will
stay automatic, on autopilot,and when we are on autopilot, we
are reacting out of fear, and weare not responding from love.
Anytime we react from fear. Weare operating from the from the

(05:32):
more primitive parts of ourbrain. And this is not the brain
that is relational, that part ofthe brain, the primitive part of
the brain, is fantastic atkeeping us alive in emergencies.
It's terrible at maintaininghealthy relationships.

(05:55):
Let me give you an example. Doyou remember when you learned
how to drive? At first, you hadto think about everything. Do
you remember how overwhelmingthat was? You had to think about
which pedal is the gas, whichpedal is the brake, how much
pressure do I use? When do Istart pushing on the brake?
What's the how do I adjust themirrors? How and when do I turn

(06:17):
on my turn signal? And you hadto understand the rules of the
road, and you had to maneuverand try to drive that car with
other drivers on the road. Itcan feel overwhelming. Do you
remember that feeling? Youprobably even had a parent, a
very nervous parent, or ateacher yelling at you from the

(06:39):
passenger seat, which I'mpositive did not help you at all
in that stress and overwhelm.
But what is driving like for younow?

(09:01):
You are exhausted trying tomanage everyone else's life.
There are problems, there areemotions, there are decisions.
You're the one that manages allof it.
Or you're saying yes when youshould be saying no, and you
know that you're a peoplepleaser and you don't know how
to stop,Or you're finding yourself in

(09:22):
really frequent arguments,saying things that you let her
later regret. But this is justthe way that you do. Things You
guys never go back andapologize, but you argue
frequently.

(09:58):
Or maybe you've cut off contactwith a family member because you
didn't see any other weight, itwas the only way that you could
protect yourself and your peaceand your sanity is for you to
cut off contact.

(10:39):
But how do you break free fromautomatic patterns when it feels
like it is so automatic thatit's in your biology. It's in
your DNA. It's just split secondfrom something happens and you
react to it. I want you toimagine that you're driving to
the store. You are lost inthought. You're thinking about

(11:00):
what you need to buy at thestore, making sure that you get
it onto your list, and thensuddenly, a child runs out in
front of you into the street.
What do you do? In an instantyou snap out of autopilot, and
you react.
That kind of awareness thatjolted awake awareness is what

(11:20):
we need in our relationships.
But you know, unlike driving,there's probably no one that's
going to run out in front of youand force you to pay attention
to what you're doing. It'ssomething that you need to
cultivate intentionally. Sowe're going to talk about four
key areas to focus on as youwake up to these patterns.

(11:41):
The first one is, I want you toreally think about developing a
strong sense of self.
This is what we do. This is whatwe usually repeat, because it's
been modeled for us, and we'rejust copying what we've seen. We
are in codependentrelationships. We are enmeshed

(12:03):
with our families. We try to getour value from others. We don't
see our own worth, and we try toget it by what other people
think of us, how they treat us,whether they approve of our
choices. We are trying toextract that value from other
people.

(13:26):
And I can't even tell you howmuch codependency, enmeshment
shows up in our families,because it's just like the air
that we breathe. We don't evensee what we're doing. It's just
everywhere. So we need todevelop a strong sense of self
and stop trying to validateourselves by extracting it from

(13:49):
the other people around us.
Here's number two, managing yourown emotional responses. I want
you to learn how to manage youremotions. Emotions are not bad,
no matter what you've beentaught, no matter what you've
believed in the past, they arenot bad. They are signals. They

(14:15):
are flags waving in thewilderness. Something needs your
attention, but if you areconstantly riding an emotional
roller coaster, it's really,really, really hard to make
thoughtful, grounded choices,because those emotions are in
charge, and they are taking youfor a ride. And if you have

(14:35):
tried to control your emotionsin the past and you have not
been able to do it, you are notalone. Because the key is we're
not trying to control them.
We're trying to be aware ofthem. We want to accept them. We
want to allow ourselves to feelemotions without judging what
we're feeling. And when we dothat, when we allow ourselves to
move through the emotion insteadof shame it, or push it away, or

(14:58):
judge it, we are actually ableto get off that emotional roller
coaster. We actually learn howto respond instead of react. And
this is definitely, definitely askill that takes practice, but
it is an incredibly powerfulskill.

(16:10):
The fourth thing that I want youto pay attention to and to break
that cycle, is to commit to thelong term. This is not a sprint.
It's not a quick fix. This isuncomfortable. Your brain will
resist the change. But I wantyou to remember, especially if
you don't remember anything elsefrom this podcast, that

(16:33):
discomfort that you feel whenyou are trying to break a
pattern is a sign of growth. Itis a sign that you are on the
right track.
And you remember that you arenot trying to change your whole
family. You are working onyourself. You are not trying to
get other people to change theirpatterns. You are changing

(16:56):
yours, because when you changeyour steps in the dance, it
ripples out and it changes thepatterns it has to something has
changed. We need to find a newequilibrium, and it will ripple
out. The effects of you doingthis over time will shift your
relationships in profound ways.

(17:18):
So just to recap, today, wetalked about how family
relationships patterns can keepus stuck. How do we wake up to
those patterns? And four areasfor you to start making those
changes.
If this episode has resonatedwith you, I would love to hear
about it. Go leave a review onApple podcasts or on Spotify, or

(17:40):
reach out to me on social mediaor and send me a message there,
a private message there, or justget on my website and click that
contact email, and you can emailme directly, and if you know
someone who needs to hear this,I want you to share this episode
with them.
And don't forget to downloadthat free guide to help you

(18:01):
reconnect and heal thatrelationship with your adult
child. You do not have to stayprisoner to the way things are
right now. You can affectchange. Thank you so much for
listening to the coaching yourfamily relationships podcast.
Until next time, I want you totake care and remember that
change starts with awareness,and it is in your power to

(18:26):
become aware you.