Can a marriage withstand the turbulent waters of infidelity and the weight of generational curses? This is the profound question that Charles, alongside his wife Lillian's previous insights, attempts to answer in a heart-to-heart with Dr. Bola Sogade. Witness the raw unraveling of Charles' journey through love, betrayal, and the challenging road to redemption. Hear how a year of soul-searching and confronting his mistakes led to a poignant transformation and a recommitment to his marriage and family. It's a story of self-reflection, the importance of communication, and the relentless pursuit of breaking the chains of the past for the sake of future generations.
In a narrative that seamlessly weaves personal struggle with the universal quest for balance, we explore the delicate dance between being a provider and being present. Charles gives us a window into his relationship with his father, drawing parallels and contrasts to his own approach to fatherhood and work-life harmony. This episode doesn't just share a tale of a man's efforts to rebuild trust; it delves into the complexities of father-son dynamics and the conscious decisions we make to shape a family legacy that deviates from the paths our parents walked. Join us for a powerful exploration of healing, growth, and the enduring strength of love.
Episode Transcript
Yes, I am breaking that generational curse.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Hello and welcome to CocoaPods podcast.
My name is Dr Bola Sogade.
I'm the curator of this publiceducation podcast with a twist
to maternal health and all thethings that surround maternal
health.
So today we're fortunate tohave with us Charles.
Of course, the names have beenchanged.
This is an anonymized situationand Charles is the husband of
(00:48):
Lillian, the anonymized ladythat we talked to in the
previous podcast as we talkabout difficult relationships.
So, charles, thank you andwelcome.
Yes, ma'am, I'm welcome to behere.
Good, thank you.
So you know, lillian shared alot of things with us about your
relationship, how you guys metwhen you were young and married
(01:09):
young.
Can you talk to us about someof these things?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, we did.
We married young.
At the time she was 24.
I was 23.
I was captivated when I seenher in college, just her smile,
how happy she was.
And you know so, during collegeI was the one that pursued her.
(01:37):
I was like her energy.
And that was something new forme, coming from where I'm from.
I'm from a small town, I'm usedto the country women.
I mean, she was more of a citygirl.
So that was new for me.
And ever since then we've beenon each other.
(02:03):
Ever since when I go somewhereshe's there.
She's like my best friend atthe same time.
So I can't do nothing withouther, everything I do.
We're always there for eachother.
We keep each other smiling.
(02:23):
Our marriage is like we'refriends first, marriage second,
because being friends first, Ican come and talk to her about
anything and everything.
I put marriage second and wehandle everything together and
that will make us, like this,grown bond.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
Thank you.
So you guys made a decision toget married.
With this friendship and likingeach other, you got married in
your 20s.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
And we all make mistakes inmarriages.
Some are good, Some are bad,but I'm a big believer of you
learn from your mistakes, yougrow from it, and it's like what
you do then versus what you'redoing now.
(03:14):
Action speaks more than words.
So, and I want to still walk inthat way.
I just want to stick to it.
And I want to still walk inthat way.
I just want to stick to it.
I want to show her that peoplecan change.
So I was very selfish, veryselfish.
(03:37):
I was a selfish person when wefirst got married.
She knew it, that's something Iknow.
My mom told her, my mom toldher, my dad told her.
But I still have a littleselfish ways in me, but we
worked through that.
I could get a bit more thanwhat she understands, but I
(04:02):
always come back and talk to herand let her know.
Yes, I was being selfish atthat moment and at this point
now in my life, I'm not afraidof making a mistake.
But when you make a mistake,you have to learn from your
mistake.
As all men men we always make amistake and don't want to learn
(04:22):
from it, and we continue downthat road.
But when that road goes dark,you haven't learned from it.
There's no turning back.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
So you know, initially you guys got married,
things were good, but you know,from your point of view, what
made things to start breakingdown?
Because you guys, you know,liked each other in college, you
were together and all thesethings.
You were young and happy.
You got married.
What made things to startbreaking down?
Speaker 1 (04:52):
well, start made things breaking down um, I guess
the marriage and the kids andeverything, because for a while
I was the sole provider, shewasn't working and it was like I
(05:13):
was more overwhelmed and I justneeded a break from everything,
to analyze everything, to seewhere I'm at and I just felt at
that moment what broke it down.
It's like we arguing Every timeI'm home, I get off work, I
(05:33):
work 12 hours.
We arguing it was constantconstant, constant.
And I said, listen, I feel weneed a break.
We just need a break fromeverything.
And at that time I feel, in amarriage, I shouldn't have took
(05:54):
that break.
We should have just sat thereand talked it out.
But instead of me wanting totalk to her about it, talk to my
best friend about it, or beingthat friend, I wanted to be
selfish and I wanted a break forit be away for a while.
(06:15):
I yes, I committed adulteryduring that time.
That's something I'm not happyabout.
She knows that I hate talkingabout it, but as far as me, when
I have to relive it, it hurtsme more because I hurt my best
(06:37):
friend and that's something Inever want to do again.
I'd rather be a man and we justsit down and talk, Because
talking about it it'll help yourmarriage, your wife will
respect you more by coming toher and talking about it.
But at that time, like I said,I was being selfish, and once a
(06:59):
selfish person is committed todoing something, he's going to
stay with it.
Person is committed to doingsomething, he's going to stay
with it because he thinks it'sright and the whole time it's
wrong.
So that's something I regret.
She knows, I never say I regretsomething, but that's something
I do regret because I hurt mybest friend.
(07:20):
You know, I never.
I was raised in a two-parenthousehold.
My mom and dad as still to thisday, but married, still
together.
Oh man, getting ready to go on40 years and I wanted to walk in
(07:41):
that 40 years with my mom anddad.
They was married.
They did it.
They showed proof.
I seen proof that throughoutanything, together you stand
together and don't let anyonebreak that bond between us.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Wow, that's powerful.
Now let me go back to yourchildhood.
You grew up in a two-parenthome.
Was there anything in yourchildhood, anything that you
think affected the way you actedas a grown-up in your marriage.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I grew up fast.
I didn't have a lot of friendsor cousins.
That's my age.
I grew up with everyone that'solder.
By older, I mean, when I was inelementary I was with all the
high school kids and when I gotinto high school, everyone that
(08:44):
I ran with was either in the11th or 12th grade, so I just
mimicked it.
Well, I became a follower.
Instead of walking in my ownpath, I became a follower.
I wanted to follow behind theseguys and I'm big on family
Cousins.
I have a big family and familyis real important to me.
(09:06):
I stick with my family.
Everyone I ran with was family,even my uncles.
I was hanging with my uncleswhen I was in high school, so I
just seen what they'd done and Ithought that was the right way
of doing things.
But the whole time as I gotolder, no, that was very wrong.
(09:28):
It was very wrong and I had tolearn that for myself because I
was a hurtner.
When we go out in public, youknow, I still feel embarrassed
and, like I said, my childhoodstill feel embarrassed.
And, like I said my childhood,being around older people with
no guidance, that's a failure,even though I had my mom and dad
(09:54):
, but I didn't go talk to my momand dad about relationship
things.
I went to my uncles and myaunts, where my uncles were
married, but my aunt wasn'tmarried and I went to them for
advice instead of going to mymom and dad.
So that's something that, likeI said, is another thing I
(10:16):
regret, because I feel if I hadwent to my mom and dad, we
wouldn't have had to go throughwhat we went through.
So, yeah, wow, wow.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
Yeah, that's something we call called
modeling in medicine.
You know, you see somebody, youact and behave like them,
whether good or bad.
But were your parents busy?
I mean, or you just didn't havethat relationship, or you were
just closer with your uncles andaunt, or you just felt
embarrassed to talk to yourparents about some of these
things.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I wasn't embarrassed about it.
My mom, she worked.
My mom worked for the state andright now she still works for
the state.
It's like 30-some years now.
My dad he's been driving trucksfor oh my God, like 40 years
now and my dad was over the road.
So basically I was there withmy mom.
(11:12):
It's like I was raised by allfemales, from my mom, my
grandmother, my aunts, my femalecousins, but then some of the
males that was there.
You know we was getting advicefrom females.
So my cousins they always saythe men in our family are
(11:32):
womanizers.
So I wanted to like, as now, Iwanted to break that bond and
say no, we're not, you know,we're just, I say, a product of
our environment knowing how totreat a woman, and that's what
they always taught us.
You can have multiple women,but you got to know how to treat
the multiple women and make allwomen happy.
(11:55):
I said a smile is everything toa woman.
If you can make that womansmile, you'll be.
It goes a long way.
But at the time I'm like when Iwas younger, you're right.
But as I got older, no, no,that's not right.
(12:15):
I said only one person shouldget that smile and that's your
wife or your companion and, likeI said, it's just my childhood
as oh man it's.
It was rough, like I said, butyou live and you learn.
So now, like with my kids, Ipreach it to them every day If
(12:37):
you're going to get a girlfriend, get a girlfriend.
Don't have girlfriends withthis.
One woman means a lot more tothem than multiple women.
Treat that one woman like youtreat your mother.
One woman means a lot more tothan multiple women.
Treat that one woman like you,treat your mother.
So, and that's what I had tolook at.
You know my mom, you know I man.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
I walked from Georgia to Alabama for my mom and now,
at this point, I walk fromGeorgia to Alabama for my mom,
and now, at this point, I walkfrom Georgia to California for
her, for her your wife.
Speaker 1 (13:20):
So I say it is childhood.
I modeled the wrong things, thewrong things in life, and I
regret it.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
I really do.
And you guys went to church,right?
Yes, so church didn't reallyhelp, that you know.
When we look back, no, yeah,because you went to big
gathering of church but, itdidn't touch that personal
aspect of your life as a child.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
It didn't.
It didn't Church, and same guysI was going to church with were
the same guys I was hangingwith.
So, like I said, it's thatmodeling.
I modeled the wrong things andI walked that path with them
instead of walking my own path.
So, and like I said, that's thething that I wish I could take
(14:06):
back.
I wish I could have took a lotof things more serious at that
time and what I didn't, becauseI was going off that model.
We should walk this path, allmen should walk this path, but
instead of trying to create yourown, I just decided to walk
(14:28):
that path on.
I just decided to walk thatpath.
So now, with my kids, with myboys, I'm trying to have them to
walk that one path and stickwith it.
Don't change from it.
The rocks might get in your way.
A wall might get in your way,but you got to learn how to
build a wall over that wall,because that's the only way
(14:50):
you'll make it work now, youtalked about you know being
selfish and and you guys took abreak, was it?
Speaker 2 (14:59):
I guess it was both a physical break and an emotional
break.
And then, when you took thatbreak, I guess there was a
damsel in distress just waitingto swallow you up.
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Yes, it was.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I know you don't like talking about it, but can you
tell us something about that?
Speaker 1 (15:17):
The break.
It was a break.
At that time, I thought likeour love, because every day when
we were in the room together,we always clashing at each other
.
It wasn't no, okay, let's talkabout this.
(15:38):
Okay, instead of fussing andfighting, let's just talk as
adults.
At that time, we was actinglike we was younger, we was in
our 20s, Like we was still inhigh school, just arguing,
arguing about everything,instead of just talking the
break.
Because, like I said, I end uptalking to someone else and I
(16:05):
start pouring out how I wasfeeling because, like I said, I
mean, as men, yeah, we gettalking to doing that during
times, doing things like that,but we're seeking advice.
But at the time the advice camefrom someone younger and we me
(16:26):
and her, you know kicking it offduring that break and me and
her ended up kicking it offduring that break.
Like I said, that's something I, like you said, I hate talking
about it, but we was, while shewas at home, my wife, while she
was at home, I was out beingselfish, talking to a female.
(16:52):
I ended up moving in with afemale, but I wasn't in love.
I didn't love that female.
I was still in love with mywife and I used that female for
comfort because there was noarguments and nothing like that.
(17:16):
But then when I go home to mywife, it's arguing, arguing you
don't do this, you do this, youdo that, you do this, and you
know I'm'm like it's not makingsense.
It's not making sense.
(17:37):
So that break for a year ittaught me a lot.
It taught me that my selfishways can can my selfish ways are
made lifelong.
I'm trying to get the word out.
I'm trying to say you can'trecover from a selfish way,
(17:57):
selfish things that you've doneto someone.
A bond is supposed to beunbreakable, but I broke that
bond.
Yes, we were married, we gotmarried and I take my marriage
serious.
I take my bond.
Yes, we were married, we gotmarried and I take my marriage
serious.
I take my vows serious.
But at that time I wasn'tthinking about none of that,
(18:19):
because I was trying to seekmore of my happiness Instead of
trying to seek of our happiness.
And I was happy, going outevery night, doing different
things, traveling, doing some ofeverything, going places.
(18:40):
And my wife at home is nothappy and I'm like that's crazy.
That's crazy to me because mybest friend, my wife, is my best
friend and I hate it took ayear for me to realize that.
(19:02):
So I decided to break it offwith the other female, to make
things right with my wife, andever since, like I said, just,
(19:27):
it's been different.
The trust is still there, it'sstill a building, but I just
wanted to show her that this iswhere I want to be.
You know I'll never hurt heragain.
That hurts because I don't wantto be hurt like that.
(19:48):
So it's like why am I hurtingher?
It's a hurting situation.
I broke that bond.
Whatever I had coming to me, Iwas willing to accept, you know
because?
But at the same time, trying togain trust, it's like a job.
It's a job where there's no offdays, there's no time to sleep.
(20:14):
It's a 24-7 situation trying tobuild that trust back.
So we tend to, like I said, havea little selfishness where,
like I'm doing this, don't,don't, you can't account for me
for doing this, though I mean Idid this right, but it takes
(20:37):
more.
Yeah, you might go out withsome friends.
Hey, baby, I'm out with afriend, I'm going to be out a
little late, but then no, butyour wife's still at home.
Cut it off with your friends,because your friends are the
people that you're not livingwith.
Your wife is is.
(20:58):
So I had to change in a lot ofways that suits her, that makes
her happy, because the only waywe can build trust I have to
change my ways.
I have to show her I want herin my life.
I have to show her I have to doeverything over and over, and
(21:20):
over and over every day, just toshow her that, listen, I'm not
going to break this bond again,because this is the strongest
bond that I ever had with afemale and, plus, this is my
first real relationship.
I never had a real relationship.
She's my first realrelationship, my first and only
(21:43):
marriage I just don't plan to.
I want to keep everything asshe's my first, my first to do
this, my first to do that.
I want to keep everything thesame Every day.
I look at her.
I look at her and smile.
When she wakes up, I smile.
She's everything to me now.
(22:03):
So I can't break that bondagain.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Wow, wow.
You know you moved me to tears,but let me ask you, you know he
said something like you are aprovider, a gifter, you give
gifts, so I presume you knowwith the damsel when it was time
to break it off, because yougive gifts, both you know, to
(22:27):
your wife.
And what was it that made youintrospective, think inside
yourself that I need to breakthis off?
Did you go to therapy?
Did somebody talk to you?
Did you just get tired of thesituation?
What exactly made you say I'mgoing back home?
Speaker 1 (22:50):
I got tired of the situation.
Yeah, I got tired of thesituation.
And plus I have two boys that'swatching me.
Plus I have two boys that'swatching me.
How can I be a role model withmy boys when I'm out here living
alone?
So I just want to be a betterrole model for my kids.
(23:11):
You know I don't want them towalk that same path I did and it
says my family, they'reeverything, my kids.
I just don't want them to godown that wrong path.
So the only way to break thatis I have to walk in a different
way Spiritually, mentally,physically.
(23:33):
I have to show them that youcan't be successful or in
anything.
You just have to walk thatright path.
My kids was everything.
My boys were watching me.
My boys, they were calling me,crying.
I never told them that.
(24:01):
It hurts me, you know, to see mykids crying like that.
You know it was more than justyou know me and her.
It was them too.
So with them crying like that,it breaks me down, you know, and
(24:22):
I never want to put themthrough that again, never
including her.
I'd never put her throughnothing like that again because
it tore me down.
I hate to see her cry, but hercrying is different.
You know, I can console her, wecan talk it out.
(24:43):
But my boys, you know, theywere young Once you.
If boys see that and think thatman, my dad never be there for
me, it changes their wholeperspective on everything.
Some kids, you know, they startacting out, they don't want to
do anything because they feellike nobody's going to be there
(25:05):
for me anyway.
So I just want to change thatand break that because, like I
said with them, with my kids, mykids I love her.
My love will never change fromher.
I'm in love with my kids, mykids, I love her.
My love will never change fromher.
I'm in love with my wife, butmy kids.
I never put my kids or herthrough that.
(25:26):
Nothing like that again.
My kids is everything and, likeI said, they're boys.
I don't want them to grow upand say, well, my dad did this,
okay, well, I can do it too.
I want to break that bond earlyand no, I'm not going to let
them do it.
(25:47):
So my boys was everything theygot me.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Wow Now, did you have this kind of relationship with
your dad and your wife?
You know she was.
So two questions she was athome taking care of both of you.
These are your children thatyou have with your wife.
So, number one did you havethis kind of relationship with
your dad?
Number two your wife talkedabout breaking a generational
(26:15):
curse.
Do you feel like you're doingthat right now?
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Yes, I am breaking that generational curse.
Do you feel like you're doingthat right now?
Yes, I am breaking thatgenerational curse.
My dad, like I said, he drovetrucks.
I didn't have that bond with mydad.
I had that bond with mygrandfather, but at the time,
you know, I played all sports.
(26:40):
My dad, yes, he came home and Iplayed baseball, played
basketball and I played footballand that was my everyday thing.
But my dad, he was, like I said,he drove trucks.
No fault to him.
He was being a provider for mymom and for us as well, and the
(27:05):
whole being providing, being aprovider that I did model that
from my dad, you know, um, butat the same time, you can be a
provider and be at home.
I choose to be a provider andbe at home.
My dad chose to be a providerand he drove trucks.
(27:30):
He was over the road, sometimeshe was out for a week,
sometimes he was out for twoweeks, and the whole thing of me
taking jobs, traveling jobs,things like that.
I got that from my dad.
But see, now I'm trying to doit different because my dad
(27:55):
wasn't there for a lot of thingsthat I needed.
No-transcript.
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