When The Threat Is In Your Own Bed

Danger doesn't always announce itself with bruises or broken bones. Sometimes it lurks beneath the surface, wrapped in excuses, disguised as sleep, masquerading as concern. 

During this powerful episode, we uncover the reality of psychological abuse that happens within the supposed safety of intimate partnerships. We explore three particularly devastating forms: abuse disguised as sleep disorders, where partners deliberately cause harm and then claim they were dreaming; delusional jealousy (clinically known as Othello's syndrome), where irrational accusations of infidelity become tools for control; and identity invalidation, a systematic erasure of a person's history, accomplishments, and sense of self.

These patterns often go unrecognized because they don't fit conventional understandings of domestic violence. A husband who presses on his wife's eyeballs in the night and claims he was fighting monsters in his dreams isn't just having a parasomnia episode—he's creating a perfect cover for deliberate harm. A partner who becomes fixated on implausible affairs with pastors or distant acquaintances isn't merely insecure—they're establishing grounds for surveillance and isolation. And when someone rewrites your childhood memories or diminishes your professional identity because you've paused your career to raise children, they're not being critical—they're systematically dismantling your sense of self.

We also address the complex question of why women stay, especially in situations where material comfort masks emotional devastation. "Leaving isn't always safe, and sometimes the prison has chandeliers." The contrast between a mansion and a shelter, between marble floors and survival mode, creates painful dilemmas that outsiders rarely understand.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship or in someone you love, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Remember: you are not crazy, you are not alone, and your life—your real, beautiful, whole life—is not up for debate. Stay safe, stay sane, and stay supported.

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Episode Transcript

Dr Bola Sogade (00:00):
Welcome to CocoaPods podcast, a podcast of
the Bird Center for NaturalDeliveries Foundation.
The title of our podcast todayis when the Threat is in your
Own Bed Delusion Dreams and theErasure of Self.
Welcome, welcome to CocoaPodsPodcast, a feature of the Birth

(00:52):
Center Foundation.
I'm your host, dr Bola Sugadi,an OB-GYN, maternal health
advocate and a woman deeplyinvested in helping others stay
safe, sane and supported.
Today's episode is not easy,but it is necessary.
What you are about to hear isan amalgamation of recent real

(01:17):
stories shared by some of thewomen we encounter in our daily
clinical practice.
These aren't isolatedexperiences.
Some of them spell patterns,some of them are warnings for
others to learn from, and theseare quiet cries that deserve to
be heard.
We're talking about a type ofdanger that isn't always visible

(01:42):
, a kind that doesn't come withbruises, but with silence,
suspicion, confusion and control.
What happens when the threat isnot outside, but lying next to
you in your own bed?
So for the first segment of ourdiscussion, we talk about abuse

(02:05):
disguised as sleep.
Let me begin with the scenarioA husband wakes up in the middle
of the night.
He reaches over, finds hiswife's head in the dark and
presses directly on her eyeballs.
Directly on her eyeballs whenshe cries out, startled, he

(02:26):
pulls away and says I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I was dreaming.
I thought your eyes were bright, red eyes.
But here's the thing he wasn'tsleepwalking.
He located her face, hedeliberately pressed her eyes
and he immediately gave anexcuse.
This kind of behavior mightmasquerade as what we call

(02:51):
parasomnia, a sleep disorder.
But when the actions aretargeted, deliberate and
followed by implausiblejustifications, we must ask is
this sleep or is this controlwith a cover story?
This could signal REM sleepbehavior disorder or even

(03:14):
delusional psychosis with dreamenactment.
But it can also be somethingmore insidious abuse wearing the
mask of confusion.
So in our second segment wetalk about the erosion of
reality.
Now imagine this same husbandaccuses his wife, who has shown

(03:38):
no signs of infidelity, ofhaving an affair, not with
someone close, accessible oremotionally plausible, but with
a much older married pastor froma different social class, with
whom there's no chemistry, noopportunity and no history.
He becomes convinced that she'slying, that she's acting

(04:03):
innocent.
He calls her a liar, repeats it, believes it.
No reassurance, no truth, nologic gets through.
This is not jealousy, this isnot insecurity, this is what we
call delusional jealousy, alsocalled Othello's syndrome.

(04:25):
It's a psychiatric disorderwhere someone becomes
irrationally convinced theirpartner is cheating, despite all
evidence to the contrary, andit's dangerous emotionally,
psychologically and sometimesphysically.
And before we go to our nextsegment, who is Othello?

(04:50):
Othello is a fictional characterand the tragic protagonist of
Othello, a play written byWilliam Shakespeare in the early
1600s.
The play is one ofShakespeare's most powerful
tragedies and explores themes ofjealousy, manipulation, race,

(05:13):
love and betrayal.
Othello is a Moorish general inthe Venetian army.
He was respected, brave and askilled military leader.
He secretly marries Desdemona,a noble woman of Venice.
Despite his accomplishments,he's an outsider, both racially

(05:36):
and culturally, and deeplyvulnerable to manipulation.
Why is he associated with?
Jealousy becomes tragic becausehe is manipulated by his
subordinate, lago, who convinceshim, without real proof, that

(05:59):
Desdemona is having an affairwith another officer.
Overcome by delusional jealousy, othello becomes consumed with
rage, doubt and mistrust.
In the end he murders Desdemona, only to realize too late that
she was innocent.
So Othello's syndrome, namedafter the character, is a

(06:20):
psychiatric condition in which aperson holds an irrational,
fixed belief that their partneris being unfaithful, despite no
evidence.
So, going back to the nextsegment of our podcast, which is
segment three, identityinvalidation.

(06:42):
Then the plot deepens.
He begins to erase her past.
Tells her you didn't grow up ina loving home.
Tells her your parents wereemotionally distant.
Tells her that her privilegeupbringing is just something she
made up to feel important.
Tells her she's not really aprofessional anymore, since

(07:06):
she's taking time off work toheal after just having a baby,
taking time off to raise herchildren or to pursue something
different.
You used to be impressive, hesaid.
Now you are just at home.
This is not just criticism.
It's identity invalidation, aform of insidious psychological

(07:29):
abuse where the goal is to stripa woman of her memory, dignity
and pride, to make her small,dependent and unsure of herself.
Small dependent and unsure ofherself.
This erasure isn't loud, but itis lethal to a woman's sense of
self.
So, going to the next segment,why don't the women leave this

(07:51):
relationship, you might ask.
Why doesn't she just leave?
But what if leaving means goingfrom a mansion to a shelter,
from marble floors to bunk bedswith strangers, from safety
cameras and grocery delivery toa life of survival mode?
What if she's ashamed to admitabuse while wearing pearls and

(08:13):
pushing a stroller through hergated neighborhood?
Living isn't always safe andsometimes the prison has
chandeliers.
So she stays, she documents,she gets quieter, she starts
planning.
She's not stupid, she'sstrategic.
So in the last segment here Idiscuss what you must know.

(08:35):
So if you out there are in thiskind of situation or love
somebody who is here's what youneed to know.
Delusional jealousy is real andit often targets unlikely people
pastors, cousins, old teachersbecause it's not about logic,

(08:55):
it's about control.
Sleep behavior that results inharm is not benign.
Sleep behavior that results inharm is not benign.
If your partner hurts you inhis sleep, presses your eyes,
restrains you or scares you,that must be investigated by a
doctor and a therapist.
You are allowed to rememberyour childhood.

(09:16):
No one gets to rewrite yourstory or to make you feel small,
and being on a pause becauseyou just had a baby, for
instance, does not mean you areno longer powerful.
Stepping back from work doesnot cancel your career, your
brilliance or your worth.
So in closing, paranoia,accusations, rewriting your

(09:41):
identity, harming you and thencalling it a dream, these are
not normal, they are notromantic and they are not safe.
These are warning signs.
If you are in a relationshipwhere love feels like
surveillance, where sleep feelslike threat, where peace feels

(10:01):
impossible, first of all, pleaseknow you are not crazy, you are
not alone and you don't have toshrink to be safe.
Call the National DomesticHotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, that
is, 1-800-799-7233.
Talk to your doctor, like someof the ladies have talked to me,

(10:24):
and we have a plan.
Tell a friend your life, yourreal, beautiful, whole life, is
not up for debate.
Thank you for joining me onthis episode of CocoaPods
podcast.
Until next time, stay safe,stay sane and stay supported.