July 10, 2025 • 47 mins
Ever felt like your anger was out of control? You’re not alone. In this episode, Ellen talks with Elizabeth—Christian anger coach and host of the Emotionally Healthy Legacy podcast—about her journey from “mom rage” to emotional healing through God’s grace and practical tools. Learn how to break the cycle of reactive parenting and find peace in your motherhood.
Scriptures referenced:
- Matthew 14:22-23
- Luke 5:15-16
- Genesis 3:12-13
- Galatians 5:22-23
- 2 Corinthians 10:5
- James 1:19
- Ephesians 4:26
- Ephesians 4:1-2
Free resource: How to Become a Patient Mom: So You Can Stop Screaming Over Spilled Milk
Learn more about Elizabeth:
Website | Podcast | Coaching Support | Instagram
Elizabeth's faves:
ESV Study Bible | NLT One Year Bible | BIG Life Devotional Podcast | A Year in the Bible Podcast
Join our community! If you are a Christian woman seeking to know God deeper, study Scriptures, pray with and for others, strengthen your faith, and support other in doing the same, this is the place for you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Ellen (00:04):
At the Coffee and Bible Time podcast.
Our goal is to help you delightin God's Word and thrive in
Christian living.
Each week, we talk to subjectmatter experts who broaden your
biblical understanding,encourage you in hard times and
provide life-building tips toenhance your Christian walk.
We are so glad you have joinedus.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the Coffee andBible Time podcast.
I'm Ellen, your host, and I'mso glad that you have joined us
today.
You know, if you've ever foundyourself struggling to control
your anger, lashing out beforeyou even notice you're mad, or
(00:46):
reacting in ways that you laterregret, today's conversation is
especially for you.
We're talking with Elizabeth, abeliever wife, mom of four,
anger management coach forChristian moms and host of the
Emotionally Healthy Legacypodcast.
Her story is both powerful andrelatable, from parenting
(01:10):
through emotional overwhelm andreactive anger to finding
freedom through God's grace,therapy and practical tools, and
she now helps others do thesame.
In today's conversation, we'llexplore the topic of mom rage,
how to break the cycle ofreactive parenting and how
(01:32):
scripture can guide us inbecoming emotionally grounded
moms who leave a healthy legacyfor our kids.
So grab your coffee and let'sdive in.
Welcome, elizabeth.
Elizabeth (01:45):
Thank you so much for having me here.
Ellen (01:48):
It's a delight, and I know this is a topic that
resonates with so many people,and maybe even shamefully so
right, why don't you start outby telling us a little bit about
yourself and your work in angermanagement?
Elizabeth (02:04):
Yeah, thank you, I appreciate that.
So I'm Elizabeth.
I am a mom of four.
My oldest right now is 13 andmy youngest just turned four
last week.
So I have three boys and then agirl.
I've been married for 16 yearsto my husband.
We live in Northeast Florida andI felt like I was a pretty
(02:25):
patient person.
Then I had kids.
Then these sides of me startedto come out that I never
realized I had my firstexperience with.
I mean, there's anger and thenthere's rage.
I would say there's adifference.
We'll talk a little bit deeperin that.
But my first experience ofactual like mom rage where I
(02:49):
felt really out of control waswhen I had my second child.
I had my second boy and he wascolic actually and he cried a
lot and my oldest was three atthat time and I remember I
finally put him to sleep and Iput him in the swing and he
cried a lot and my oldest wasthree at that time and I
remember I finally put him tosleep and I put him in the swing
and he fell asleep and myoldest son, who was three years
(03:12):
old, came up to him, picked uphis little finger and like bit
his brother's finger and I justlost it.
It wasn't just like, oh, I feelangry, I felt rage, like almost
like an out-of-body experience.
It's like something comes overyou and it's like almost like
(03:33):
you're not yourself and I justscreamed at him and I physically
hurt him because I felt so likealmost like wrath in that
moment at my son that he woke upthe baby, because I spent hours
trying to calm the baby down,who's been crying for hours, and
(03:54):
immediately filled with so muchshame and remorse and feeling
like I'm a terrible mom.
How could I ever have done thatto my son, like what's wrong
with me?
And all those, you know, reallyshameful thoughts.
And that was my firstexperience and that felt really,
(04:14):
really scary, becauseoftentimes we do feel angry but
we can still remain somewhat incontrol right, we can still kind
of control ourselves.
But that felt completely out ofcontrol, like I could not, I
felt like I couldn't controlmyself in that moment and that
felt really, really scary for me.
And then, when I had my thirdson and my husband was a flight
(04:37):
attendant at that time and hewas traveling a lot and I had
three young boys, five and underhim, being gone for days at a
time.
That's when things reallystarted to turn the corner,
where I started to notice a lotmore of episodes like that, like
a lot of reactive anger andspanking my kids out of rage and
(05:01):
anger, just because I felt outof control, that things were not
going my way and I was taking Iwasn't spanking it in a
biblical way, I was just takingmy anger out at them, and so it
just got to a point where I juststarted to feel really bad
about myself as a mom.
There was just so much guilt,shame, remorse, and I hated the
(05:22):
way that I was showing up for myfamily.
I was one way in church youknow, put together, mom a
Christian was part of Biblestudies, and then I felt like I
was a completely differentperson at home and there were
times where I was great and thenall of a sudden, like this,
anger takes over and I was justnot myself at all and I ended up
(05:44):
seeking help.
I was just not myself at alland I ended up seeking help.
One of my Christian mentors atthat time.
She recommended for me to go toparenting counseling and even
though it wasn't faith-based, Idid learn a lot of helpful tools
, except I had a hard timeimplementing them because I was
trying to do it all on my own,without the Holy Spirit and
God's help.
And so when I figured that outthat I can't just do this on my
(06:08):
own strength like, yes, thesetools are super helpful and I
need God to help me on thisjourney.
And one of the biggest changesthat I made at that time that
was super transformational forme was my kids were sleeping
through the night at that timeand I started to get up in the
morning before my kids and spendthrough the night at that time
and I started to get up in themorning before my kids and spend
time with the Lord on a regularbasis.
(06:30):
I read the Bible journal, dosome Christian meditations and
like move my body not nothingmajor, but I had a solid hour to
myself in the mornings beforemy kids got up, and that was
actually very transformationalfor me.
It allowed me to have thecapacity to start implementing
(06:51):
the tools that I was learning incounseling at that time in
parenting counseling and once Istarted to see that there was
such a big breakthrough, I'm thetype of person where I learned
something and I just can't keepit to myself.
I'm like I have to share itwith my friends and other people
that I know, and I did.
(07:11):
I would share a lot with myfriends and then I shared
everything with all the friendsI had to share with and I had an
idea to start a podcast.
I ended up starting a podcastfour and a half years ago called
Emotionally Healthy Legacy, andit was about having that
emotional connection with yourkids and managing your emotions
(07:33):
well as a mom to set thatpositive, christ-like example
for your kids.
And now it's four and a halfyears old and it has come a long
way and that is my story, how Igot where I am today.
Ellen (07:47):
Oh, elizabeth, thank you so much for just sharing that
and I really appreciate yourhonesty and authenticity,
because it is hard.
I know I experienced a littlebit as well During a time when
my children were very, veryyoung and you're just.
You're learning how to navigatethis whole new experience of
(08:09):
mothering that you've neverexperienced before and, like you
said, it brings out thingsinside you that you never even
knew were there.
Well, you said that you sharedit with so many people.
Is that sort of when yourealize that this is something
that other women really neededtoo?
Elizabeth (08:29):
Yeah Well, rage is not something women typically
share with one another, even inChristian circles, and even if
they do, oftentimes other womenfeel too shameful to admit that
they struggle with it too, andthen you feel like an outsider.
So it's very uncommon for womento find other moms that
(08:53):
struggle with the same thing andthey're transparent and open
enough to share about it.
And so how I started to realizethat it was an issue was I'm a
very you know, authentic,transparent person is having
deeper conversations with closepeople in my life.
And as more deeperconversations happened, you know
(09:16):
, things started to open up.
And my sister-in-law she was onmy podcast as well and she
shared how her first daughteralso cried a lot.
She had a bunch of tummy issuesand she said I remember like
picking her up and just feelingso mad that she would not stop
screaming and like her mind istelling her all these stories.
(09:36):
She's making my day hard, she'sruining my you know sleep at
night.
Why is she doing this to me?
And you have all these negativethoughts that are contributing
to your frustration and anger.
And as I started to openlyshare my story and being
transparent how God hastransformed my life, more women
(09:58):
felt comfortable to open up andshare their stories.
But it's very uncommon forsomebody to just openly say, hey
, I struggle with mom rage, justbecause it's such a shameful
topic.
You literally feel likesomething is wrong with you,
like you're like why, what'swrong with me?
Why do I do this?
I'm a Christian, I pray, I readthe Bible.
Like why do?
(10:18):
Why is this keep happening tome?
And so that's kind of like howI got into this topic, because I
noticed that there's a lot ofpractical things that contribute
to rage as well.
It's not just a spiritual thing, like that is part of it, but
there's a lot of practicalthings that also lead up to it.
And as more conversations I'vehad with women in my circle, the
(10:42):
more I realized mom, our momsare struggling with it.
They just don't want to talkabout it.
It's just too embarrassing.
It's too embarrassing what youdid.
And I remember one of myfriends has even shared with me.
She's like I can never tellpeople what I've done, like with
the moments that I had rage.
I just I cannot tell others theway that I treated my daughter
(11:03):
at that time when her son was ababy.
He was colicky, he wasscreaming, and then your toddler
comes up to you and yourtoddler wants you and needs you
and you're just in this stressstate that you just react Like
you don't respond.
You react in very unkind, harshand mean ways and then you're
(11:26):
like what just happened?
This isn't even me.
What's wrong with me?
So it's a very hard topic.
It's a really hard thing tovulnerably share with other
people, because you're not sureif somebody's going to say, oh,
I understand, because they mightsay I don't Not.
Every mom is dealing with thisRight.
Ellen (11:46):
No, that makes so much sense, and thank you for
listening to that need that yousaw in other women and sort of
digging deeper to get to thatand stepping in to help people
get the support that they need.
I want to talk a little bitabout how your faith influences
(12:07):
how you approach this issue,because we have this Christian
worldview, and so I'd love tohear how your faith plays into
it.
Elizabeth (12:17):
Yeah, and it plays a huge role because, yes, there's
a lot of practical things thatyou can do to lower your stress,
to work on your mindset, torewire your responses, and if we
just try to do everything onour own strength, we might see
some improvement, but we'll hita wall.
(12:39):
We cannot have a true hearttransformation without God.
And so when women come to me inmy coaching program, I have a
true heart transformationwithout God.
And so when women come to me inmy coaching program, I have a
12-week Calm Christian Momcoaching program that is
specifically for Christian momsthat struggle with
out-of-control anger, that trythe podcast, the books, talking
(13:00):
to a friend praying, and theystill feel like they're stuck in
reactive, destructive anger.
I support them and we have astep-by-step process, but in the
beginning we start withconnecting with the Lord, and if
we want to be like Jesus, if wewant to show Christ to our
(13:20):
children, if we want to beloving and kind and forgiving
and tender and warm and softlike Jesus, we need to spend
time with him.
You cannot become like him ifyou don't spend time with him.
And so if we want to be likeJesus towards our children and
be Christ-like, we need to startwith him and because there's
(13:45):
going to be certaincircumstances and situations
where, yes, you can implementthe tools that you're learning,
the practical things to calmyour nervous system, lower your
stress, your mindset, and you'restill going to hit a wall,
because we are humans, we aresinners and we need God to truly
help us in those hard, trickysituations, because sometimes
(14:06):
you're like I literally don'tknow what to do, like I cannot
think of something to handle thesituation well, and you're like
Jesus, please help me.
This feels really, really hard,and I have moments like that
with my kids too.
I have four kids.
Sometimes, you know, it's alittle bit chaotic.
All four of them need me.
At the same time, I have atoddler right now who has very
big emotions.
(14:26):
You might know you have girls.
They have really big feelingsoftentimes when they're toddlers
, especially if you're.
You know you're not justsuppressing their feelings,
you're teaching them how to dealwith them in a helpful way.
And some moments feel really,really hard and I literally say
it out loud, like Jesus, thisfeels really, really hard and I
literally say it out loud, likeJesus, this feels really, really
hard.
Please help me in this moment.
(14:47):
Give me the wisdom anddiscernment and patience that I
need in this moment because thisfeels so hard.
Even with all the practicalthings and tools that I know and
have learned, I still need Godto truly help me in those
difficult, challenging moments.
Because I'm a human, I stillhave a sinful flesh and the true
(15:11):
heart.
Transformation only happenswith the Lord.
Ellen (15:15):
I couldn't agree more and I just love how your faith
shapes your approach to tacklingthis and just bringing God into
the picture, because if wethink about God as being you
know, all, knowing God, he'sthere with you.
I think sometimes we lose sightof just the impact of the Holy
(15:39):
Spirit working inside of us tobe able to help us through
situations.
Well, let's talk a little bitabout understanding and managing
mom rage.
You use the phrase mom rage alot.
What do you see as thedifference between mom rage and
just regular anger?
Elizabeth (16:01):
Yeah, that's a great question Because as humans, we
all experience anger at somepoint, and it's a normal human
emotion that God created us with.
Except there's normal anger andthen there's destructive anger,
the one that's actuallydamaging your relationships with
(16:21):
people around you.
So I teach that there's likedifferent levels.
There's, oh, I feel irritated,kind of like annoyed.
Things are not going the waythat you thought they were going
to go.
Then you start feeling a littlebit more frustrated that things
are not going your way and thenyou start getting to the point
of anger.
Okay, so when we feelfrustrated and even like
(16:43):
transitioning to anger, anger isfeeling a little bit more
intense.
At that point it's still comingout through our words.
When we start gettingdysregulated and our nervous
system is getting out of whack,the part of our brain that helps
us think clearly and helps usmake good, rational choices, the
thinking part of our brainright here it turns off, and
that's why, when we hit to rage,we do things that feel
(17:05):
completely out of control.
So we have our thinking brain,then we have our feeling brain
in the center and then we haveour brainstem in the back, which
is like our survival part ofthe brain.
And so when we're starting tofeel kind of like frustrated and
a little bit annoyed, we'restill in our thinking brain, we
can still make good choices.
It's like, yeah, I feelfrustrated, things are not going
my way, but I can still makegood choices for the most part.
(17:29):
When we're starting to feelangry, we shift to that
emotional part of the brain andwhen we're there, the thinking
brain starts to turn off and westart noticing that it comes out
in our attitude and it's likedisrespectful.
We only see our perspective,how we are right and everyone
else is wrong.
We start raising our voice butwe're not being mean or harsh or
(17:52):
destructive yet.
We're just kind of like mean orharsh or destructive, yet we're
just kind of like I feel angry,I'm feeling intense, but it's
not destroying with our words orour actions.
And then, when the stressbuilds up enough, if we don't
recognize, hey, I'm feelingangry right now and I need to do
something to calm myself down.
It's praying, it's taking deepbreaths, it's walking away or
(18:14):
releasing your anger in somehelpful way like the physical
intensity.
If we don't recognize that andwe continue to stay in that
stressful state, we will shiftto the survival part of the
brain and then it completelyturns off our thinking brain and
in survival part of the brainit's fight, flight or freeze.
So some people just like freeze, like they pretty much shut
(18:36):
down.
Some people say you know what?
Everything is too much, I can'tdeal with this, I'm just going
to walk away.
This is just all too much.
And then some people go intofight mode and the fight mode is
I describe it it's like a traingoing a thousand miles an hour
and you just cannot stop it.
You have this aerial view ofyourself.
(18:59):
It's almost like you, almost italmost feels like an
out-of-body experience.
You have this aerial view ofyourself.
You know what you're doing iswrong, sinful, destructive,
damaging, and you almost like,cannot stop yourself.
It's like you're saying reallydamaging, hurtful things.
Your mouth just feels so out ofcontrol and you start to
(19:21):
physically want to release thatanger by throwing things, by
slamming things, by twistingyour kid's ear, yanking their
arms, spanking them, in rage.
And it's almost like your mindis like I know this is wrong,
but I do not care, like that israge.
When you're like I know what I'mdoing is wrong, but in the
(19:42):
moment I don't care, I'm justgonna keep on doing it.
That is when you are in thatrage and the reason you feel so
out of control is because thepart of the brain that helps you
make good logical choices iscompletely offline.
And so when I work with moms inthe coaching program, I help
them recognize like, hey, thereare signs that your body is
(20:05):
telling you and showing you whenyou're starting to shift from
frustration to anger.
We need to recognize that andcatch you there so you can shift
back to the thinking part ofthe brain, so you don't end up
in the survival part of thebrain, because once you get
there, is it possible to stillstop?
With God's help it is, but Ican tell you it feels a thousand
(20:28):
times harder than if you are inthat frustration, anger, and
you can catch yourself there anduse, like the scripture and the
tools to help you shift back toyour thinking part of the brain
.
So rage, that is likedestructive, damaging.
It's ruining your relationshipwith your husband, it's ruining
(20:49):
your relationship with your kids.
You're literally hurting yourkids and you will know if you
have rage because you will befilled with so much remorse and
shame and even convicting guilt,because convicting guilt is
actually a good thing, becauseit's from the Lord.
It's convicting you that whatyou did was wrong and sinful and
(21:12):
you need to change.
Ellen (21:14):
Yes, thank you so much for just helping us make that
distinction and sort of thatprocess.
You know that your body goesthrough so that you can try to
catch it before, like you said,your brain shuts off and it
makes it much, much,exponentially harder to be able
to do that.
That's so important, I think,to understand just how your body
(21:38):
is working in the process.
And you know, I was just gonnamake a little plug here just for
coaching and I've been throughcoaching for ADHD and, like you
said, it's so different Like Icould read everything about it
but it's so helpful when youhave someone walking you through
(22:01):
daily life doing it, so I canappreciate how that must be so
helpful for people.
Why do you think rage issomething that moms tend to even
struggle with?
I think so many young people.
I'm in an age where my youngestor my kids are starting to have
(22:22):
their own kids and you'rehaving baby showers and you
think it's all going to be justso wonderful and great.
You can't possibly even imaginethat you could end up with mom
rage.
Elizabeth (22:33):
Yeah.
So what I have found ismajority of the people that come
and work with me are moms thatdefinitely have kids 10 and
under, if not mostly toddlersand babies and here's what I
have found contributes to rage.
You get to the point of ragewhen you have enough stress that
builds up in your mind and body.
(22:55):
And, yes, there's a spiritualaspect about it where we need to
bring this to the Lord.
We need to pray, we need tospend time with the Lord.
That's a huge part of it.
But also, when you sit down andyou read and you pray and you
journal, all of that is socalming to your nervous system.
It massively lowers your stresslevels.
(23:17):
That's like even the practicalaspect.
If you wake up and your stresslevel is a nine out of 10, and
you spend your first half anhour with the Lord, you can
bring your stress level down toa two Based on just like reading
, praying and journaling likeall of those are so helpful to
lower your stress level andjournaling, like all of those
(23:39):
are so helpful to lower yourstress level.
Stress level is huge.
What I have found is that momswith young kids are often just
very depleted and burnout, andthat contributes to the rage.
So I always start out with mymamas with basic needs.
If you are feeling sleepdeprived and you skipping meals,
meals, and you're constantlydehydrated, your body will
(24:01):
perceive all of that as a threatand it's not going to take the
energy to learn how toemotionally regulate and calm
you.
It's going to focus all theenergy to like hey, I'm hungry,
I feel tired, I need to sleep.
Like your body's taking theenergy wants to focus on that.
Like I'm sleep deprived, I needto sleep.
I need to sleep.
Like your body's taking theenergy wants to focus on that.
Like I'm sleep deprived, I needto sleep, I need to rest, I
(24:21):
need to eat meals.
So I always start with thebasics, with mom Constantly just
outputting, outputting,outputting and not doing
anything to support yourself andinput, even like we talked
about spending time with theLord.
That's huge, that's input.
If you want to serve yourfamily better, if you want to
have more capacity for them, youneed to start with inputting
(24:46):
and supporting yourself first.
Jesus had plenty of times wherehe literally left the crowd and
his disciples to just be byhimself and spend time with the
Lord.
It is not selfish for you totell your husband hey, I feel
really depleted and I feeloverstimulated, overwhelmed and
I need to get out of the housefor a couple hours while you do
(25:07):
the bedtime routine with thekids.
Can we figure out once a weekwhere you can do that and I can
leave the house, go to a coffeeshop, get together with a friend
heck, go walk around Target fora couple hours just looking at
all the pretty decor that theyhave that you're probably not
going to get because you havetoddlers.
That's what I like to do, likefeeling depleted just because
(25:31):
you're constantly outputting.
The other thing that momsstruggle with rage is they have
unprocessed emotions.
They have unprocessed feelingstowards their husband or towards
other circumstances or otherpeople and they're just
suppressing those feelings andit comes out and so that reduces
(25:52):
their capacity and it justcomes out on their family much
easier.
The other huge thing is negativemindset.
If you have a lot of negativethoughts and playing the role of
a victim in your mind insteadof taking responsibility for
your own actions, you're alsogoing to struggle.
So an example of that likeplaying a role of a victim would
(26:16):
be.
The first example is in theGarden of Eden.
So when God came to Adam and hesaid, hey, did you eat the
fruit from the tree?
And Adam said, yes, but Evegave it to me Instead of taking
ownership and responsibility.
Yes, I did that, I sinned.
What I did was wrong, like Idisobeyed the Lord.
He blamed it.
That's what victim mentalitydoes.
(26:38):
And then Eve did the same thing.
She blamed it on the serpent.
And so if we have thatperspective that, oh, my kids
make me yell, my kids won't letme do this, they always do this
and X, y, z, you're going to bein a very negative mindset and
your negative thoughts willsignificantly reduce your
(26:58):
patience as well.
It directly contributes to that, because your thoughts create
your feelings and your feelingscreate your actions.
So if you're thinking, oh mygoodness, again, the baby woke
up in the middle of the night.
She never lets me sleep, why isshe doing this?
You're walking to the bedroomfeeling tense and frustrated
(27:19):
instead of you waking up in themiddle of the night and she's
crying because she needs me.
I am her safe person and I knowwhat she needs to calm herself
down.
And so those are differentthoughts and they produce
different feelings and the waythat you carry yourself and the
way that you handle thesituation.
(27:39):
The other couple that areprobably huge for moms is unmet
expectations.
They have unrealisticexpectations of their kids,
especially toddlers.
They just expect their toddlersto already know what to do
certain things or have certainbehaviors, and when the kids
don't, they feel massivelytriggered and reactive.
(28:02):
And instead of doing what theBible tells us to, you know,
focus on self-control they'refocusing on other control.
And when you're focusing onother control, that creates a
lot of frustration because thattells us.
The Bible says the fruit of thespirit is self-control.
And when we try to controlcircumstances and other people,
including our kids, we feelreally frustrated and easily
(28:25):
angered because that's not inour control.
It's not in our control if thebaby cries again for the fifth
time in the middle of the night.
It's not in our control.
If the toddler throws a fit,it's not in our control.
If the toddler throws a fit,it's not in our control.
If it rains at my son'sbirthday party, that's supposed
to be outside.
What is in my control is whatI'm going to choose to think,
(28:47):
say and do.
That is what is in my control,and we invite God and ask him to
give us the right perspectivein those moments instead of just
reacting and dwelling on thosenegative thoughts.
So we learn how to take ournegative thoughts captive, and I
have a really great resourceactually that I will share with
(29:09):
your audience.
I have a training that I puttogether.
It's called how to Become aPatient Mom so you Stop
Screaming Over Spilled Milk andit goes into deeper things, like
what are things that arecontributing to you feeling
reactive and what are the thingsthat you can do, starting today
, to start making those changes?
Ellen (29:30):
I bet that's so encouraging to someone who's
really struggling with this thatthere are some practical things
that you can begin to do today,which is incredible.
We'll make sure we have a linkfor that in our show notes.
I really appreciate youacknowledging those underlying
pressures that cause moms tohave rage, and there's a lot of
(29:53):
different reasons, as youmentioned.
How would you then definereactive parenting?
Because we're looking atbehaviors of kids that we don't
have control of, and how do momssort of break that cycle?
Elizabeth (30:13):
Yeah, that's a wonderful question.
So reactive parenting, I wouldsay, is you just react to what
your kids are doing.
You're not thinking it through,it's not intentional.
Your child screams and you justreact by screaming back or, you
know, spanking them quickly orjust telling them to be quiet
(30:34):
right away.
That is a reaction.
You're not thinking it through,it's not an intentional
response.
I would say reaction istypically negative and when you
react you don't really feel goodin the way that you showed up.
It doesn't align with theperson God is calling you to be
and a response is intentional.
(30:54):
You typically pause, you thinkthrough what you're going to
think, say and do in that momentand it is aligned with
scripture.
It's aligned with who God iscalling you to be and when you
respond you feel good about theway that you showed up as a mom.
You're not filled with guilt,shame or remorse.
(31:15):
And so reactive parentinghappens oftentimes if you're not
thinking, you're just doing it.
And then you're like oh, whatdid I just say?
Why did I just do?
Why did I do it?
It doesn't necessarily meanthat you're enraged, it's just,
it's like an automatic reaction.
You have pathways in your brainthat have been created over
time over years, to have acertain reaction to a certain
(31:40):
situation.
When somebody does something,you just react a certain way.
When your kid does this, youreact a certain way and in order
to respond, you need to createliterally a new pathway in your
brain how to respond in a Godhonoring way.
So have you.
You know Wendy speak and AmberLeah.
Do you know who they are?
(32:00):
I don't know.
So they've been on manypodcasts and they have a book
called triggers and it'striggers in motherhood and it's
on anger, and they have a reallygreat phrase in that book and
it says figure out what you meanto say before you say something
mean.
And I love that.
And what I do with my clients Iactually have them proactively
(32:24):
journal what they're going tothink, say and do in these
triggering situations.
For example, I have one of myclients back in the fall.
She had a two and a half yearold daughter that wanted to
buckle herself in the car andthe mom thought that the toddler
would not be able to do it andso every time she would put her
(32:45):
in the car, she would try tobuckle her and the toddler would
resist, scream, yell, and itwould create all this tension,
frustration.
She would have to, like, pinher toddler down, try to get her
, you know, buckled and end upin a lot of frustration and
tension between the two of them.
And so we started to do someproactive journaling.
I call it vision writing with myclients and creating a vision
(33:09):
how you want to handle it, thatsame tricky situation, in a
responsive way.
Because right now you know youdon't want to yell, you know you
don't want to scream, you knowyou don't want to yell, you know
you don't want to scream, youknow you don't want to hurt your
kid, you know you don't want toreact in rage.
What, what do you want to do?
We got to train your brain whatyou do want to do, how you do
want to respond in a Godhonoring way.
(33:32):
We actually put it in a journaland you journal like in present
tense tense, and it's apositive response.
So when we get to the car withmy toddler, I remind myself it
is normal for a two-year-old towant to learn to do things
herself.
I let my toddler get into theseat and I tell myself I have
(33:53):
time to let her buckle herself,or at least try I can create
time for this no-transcript Ifit looks like she's struggling,
I ask her do you want mommy tohelp you?
And she says yes, and then Ihelp her and I remain calm and
grounded and peaceful and,however, we finish the scenario,
(34:17):
but you teach your brain whatyou're going to do positively in
that moment instead of reacting.
Ellen (34:25):
I love that proactive journaling.
I love that proactivejournaling that's so smart,
because, having witnessed now Ihave one grandchild who's one,
and even at one they're alreadypushing your buttons, so to
(34:52):
speak, and I love that we can beproactive because we can to
some degree sort of predict theyget into repeating patterns,
and I love that you can changeyour pathway of thinking to a
more positive one.
That's awesome.
Well, let's talk a little bitabout a few more practical tools
and some spiritual support.
How can scripture help reframeour view of anger?
Elizabeth (35:11):
I love that question.
It's such a great question andI was like thinking about, I'm
like how can I respond to thisquestion in a good way?
And so one of the first thingsthat happens a lot when I work
with moms is they feel thatanger is sinful and it's just
wrong like that.
They are not allowed to feelanger and that's not what the
(35:32):
Bible says.
The Bible says, well, first ofall, god experiences anger, but
it's righteous anger and Jesusexperienced anger and that was
righteous anger.
Our human anger oftentimes well, majority of the time does not
produce the righteousness of God.
The human anger sometimes thatwe feel towards injustice that
(35:54):
makes sense, right when somebodydid something that hurt another
person, like sex trafficking orsomething like that.
That is definitely good angerbecause it motivates us to do
something about it.
We get so passionate about itthen we actually end up doing
something about it.
But anger itself on its own isnot sin.
It's what we do in that anger.
So in Ephesians it says in youranger, do not sin.
(36:17):
Ephesians 4.26.
So be angry and do not sin.
It's not that anger on its ownis wrong and sinful, it's what
we do in that anger.
Listen, I have four kids.
There's constantly somethingthat somebody is doing on a
daily basis that I don't like,that maybe feels frustrating and
(36:38):
maybe even sometimes angering.
And with all the things thatI've learned along the way, I
have learned to allow myself tofeel frustrated and even angry
at times.
But it's not destructive, it'snot sinful.
I'm not hurting my kids, I'mnot hurting my husband, I'm not
saying or doing anythingdamaging.
(36:58):
I say, hey, I feel reallyfrustrated right now because of
X, y, z and I'm just going to gotake a break, calm down, and
then we can come back and talkabout this later.
And so anger on itself is notsin.
You just had an episode withyour daughter on July 3rd, you
guys talked about being slow tospeak and you talked about being
(37:19):
slow to anger, and one of thethings that she mentioned in
there that was so great.
She said anger is a messenger.
It's a secondary emotion.
Anger is a messenger.
It's a secondary emotion.
It's telling you something isgoing on, and so in Ephesians it
says that what it says likehere, ephesians 4, 1 through 2,
it says what causes fights andquarrels among you?
(37:40):
Don't they come from yourdesires, that battle within you?
And so something is underneaththat anger, and our job is to be
curious.
I wonder what's going on that'scontributing to my anger.
Instead of what's wrong with me, that's more like a shameful
statement.
I wonder what's going on thatis contributing to me feeling
(38:03):
angry.
So God felt anger and hecreated us with human emotions.
We need to learn how to stillallow emotions instead of
suppressing them, but we need toprocess them and release them
in a healthy way that'snon-destructive and not sinful
and not damaging ourrelationships with our loved
(38:25):
ones and, yeah, hurting peoplearound us with our loved ones.
Ellen (38:29):
And yeah, hurting people around us.
That's so incredibly importantand I love that you've been able
to articulate that in a waythat I think people will really
be able to resonate andunderstand that one thing leads
to another.
You know you mentioned theimportance of just staying in
scripture and understandingGod's design for our life, and
(38:53):
it really goes hand in hand inunderstanding our bodies and how
they work, so I love that youhave pointed that out.
Well, as we start to wrapthings up here, elizabeth, I
just want to talk about you knowsomeone's listening to this
here today what would be somereal practical things that you
(39:15):
could recommend to help womenlearn to control their anger.
Elizabeth (39:19):
We first need to start with awareness and
recognizing hey, this is aproblem, this is destroying my
relationships, this is sinful,this is hurting God.
We need to start with awareness, because it's hard to work on
something if we don't admit thatit's a problem.
So first we need to recognizehey, this is a problem and I
(39:43):
need help.
And sometimes just listening topodcasts is enough.
Sometimes reading a book alongwith the Bible is enough.
Sometimes we need to spend moretime with the Lord and that is
enough for us to lower ourstress levels and to learn the
tools of self-control.
And sometimes we need a littlebit more guidance.
(40:06):
And so I would encourage you,ladies that are listening to
this and you resonate with a lot.
You can go listen to my podcast.
I have a lot of helpful freeresources over there.
I go through certain topics andlike, let's say, you're running
late with the kids and you feelfrustrated, angry.
How do you respond in thosemoments?
(40:27):
How do you take your thoughtscaptive in that moment?
How do you which?
Which thought do you change andhow do you change it to?
And I teach you that in likecertain episodes, so you can
start there.
My podcast is called EmotionallyHealthy Legacy.
So, first of all, isrecognizing that you have an
issue and then recognizing youneed to do something about it.
So is it listening to a podcast?
(40:48):
Is it reading a book?
Is it going to counseling?
Is it like spending more timein the word with God?
Is it actually reaching out forsupport and accountability?
Because sometimes we're in aplace where we actually do need
that handholding and thatguidance.
Sometimes we feel really stuck,we're so lost we just don't
(41:09):
even know where to start.
Everything feels too much, toooverwhelming, and we are in a
place where, like somebody, justlike, hold my hand, tell me a
step by step process what to do.
And that is where I come in,where I help women with that.
But I would say, for recognizingthat you have an issue and then
(41:30):
taking the first step, spendingtime with the Lord and asking
God show me and guide me what Ineed to work on.
What is the root of my anger?
Is it overstimulation, that I'mconstantly spending so much
time on my phone and feeling sotriggered by my kids because I
am just escaping the reality,because everything feels like
(41:53):
too much?
Is it the constant mess in thehouse that is contributing to me
feeling super triggered?
Is it unprocessed trauma that Ineed to go to counseling and
get help for Asking the Lord toguide you, to show you what is
the root of your anger so youcan actually take steps moving
forward, because it's not a onething for everybody.
(42:16):
There's different things.
That's contributing to that.
Ellen (42:20):
Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
Those are such practical andjust empowering tools.
Thank you for giving women justreal steps that they can take
to walk in healing andself-control.
Elizabeth, where can peoplefind out more information about
you and your work?
Elizabeth (42:40):
Yeah, so I have a website called
emotionallyhealthylegacycom.
It will tell you about mycoaching program there, about my
story, and then my podcast iswhere you can connect with me
the most.
I show up there regularly, weekafter week, also called
emotionally healthy legacypodcast, and I don't really hang
(43:04):
out on social media.
It's not an area where I devotemuch time to at all.
So the podcast and my websiteare the two places.
And then I have the freeresource for your listeners how
to become a patient mom, so youstop screaming over spilled milk
.
Ellen (43:20):
Very good, very good, all right.
Well, we will make sure weinclude links to all of those
things in our show notes.
But before we go, all of thosethings in our show notes, but
before we go, we have to ask yousome of our favorite questions
here what Bible is your go-toBible and which translation is
it?
Elizabeth (43:37):
It is the ESV Study Bible.
That is the one that I reallylike, and sometimes I use the
New Living Translation, aone-year Bible.
I like that one too, but theStudy Bible is the one that I
really like the most.
Ellen (43:53):
Excellent.
Okay, yes, that's an excellentBible.
Okay, do you have any favoriteBible journaling supplies you
like to use?
Elizabeth (44:01):
No, I thought about that, but I really.
It's just a journal and a pen.
It's nothing massive, and I wasthinking on that question when
I got the email the other dayand I'm like I don't have
anything fancy to share it'sjust a journal and a pen, and
that's it.
Ellen (44:18):
That works Absolutely Okay.
Last one what is your favoriteapp or website for Bible study
tools?
Elizabeth (44:26):
So I don't do much on like apps and like online stuff
.
I like like the physical.
But if I had to choose an app,I do like to listen to podcasts,
and so the ones that I reallylike is the Big Life devotional
podcast and A Year in the Bible.
(44:47):
So if I listen to some sort oflike study online, that is the
ones that I listen to.
Ellen (44:54):
All right, very good.
Thank you so much, elizabeth.
We appreciate you being heresharing your stories, and just
the wisdom oozes out of you fromseeing how God has worked in
your life in this way, and we'rejust so grateful that you were
willing to come in and shareyour message and help others.
Elizabeth (45:13):
I appreciate the opportunity to come and serve
your audience.
Thank you Very good.
Ellen (45:18):
If you're listening and you resonate with Elizabeth's
message, be sure to check outher podcast Emotionally Healthy
Legacy and explore her coachingand resources for moms.
And, as always, if this episodeblessed you, would you take a
moment to leave a review orshare it with a friend?
(45:38):
It helps more women find thesehonest, Christ-centered
conversations.
Well, we love you all.
We thank you for joining us onthe Coffee and Bible Time
podcast.
We'll talk to you next time.
At the Coffee and Bible Time podcast.
Our goal is to help you delightin God's Word and thrive in
Christian living.
Each week, we talk to subjectmatter experts who broaden your
biblical understanding,encourage you in hard times and
provide life-building tips toenhance your Christian walk.
We are so glad you have joinedus.
(00:25):
Welcome back to the Coffee andBible Time podcast.
I'm Ellen, your host, and I'mso glad that you have joined us
today.
You know, if you've ever foundyourself struggling to control
your anger, lashing out beforeyou even notice you're mad, or
(00:46):
reacting in ways that you laterregret, today's conversation is
especially for you.
We're talking with Elizabeth, abeliever wife, mom of four,
anger management coach forChristian moms and host of the
Emotionally Healthy Legacypodcast.
Her story is both powerful andrelatable, from parenting
(01:10):
through emotional overwhelm andreactive anger to finding
freedom through God's grace,therapy and practical tools, and
she now helps others do thesame.
In today's conversation, we'llexplore the topic of mom rage,
how to break the cycle ofreactive parenting and how
(01:32):
scripture can guide us inbecoming emotionally grounded
moms who leave a healthy legacyfor our kids.
So grab your coffee and let'sdive in.
Welcome, elizabeth.
Elizabeth (01:45):
Thank you so much for having me here.
Ellen (01:48):
It's a delight, and I know this is a topic that
resonates with so many people,and maybe even shamefully so
right, why don't you start outby telling us a little bit about
yourself and your work in angermanagement?
Elizabeth (02:04):
Yeah, thank you, I appreciate that.
So I'm Elizabeth.
I am a mom of four.
My oldest right now is 13 andmy youngest just turned four
last week.
So I have three boys and then agirl.
I've been married for 16 yearsto my husband.
We live in Northeast Florida andI felt like I was a pretty
(02:25):
patient person.
Then I had kids.
Then these sides of me startedto come out that I never
realized I had my firstexperience with.
I mean, there's anger and thenthere's rage.
I would say there's adifference.
We'll talk a little bit deeperin that.
But my first experience ofactual like mom rage where I
(02:49):
felt really out of control waswhen I had my second child.
I had my second boy and he wascolic actually and he cried a
lot and my oldest was three atthat time and I remember I
finally put him to sleep and Iput him in the swing and he
cried a lot and my oldest wasthree at that time and I
remember I finally put him tosleep and I put him in the swing
and he fell asleep and myoldest son, who was three years
(03:12):
old, came up to him, picked uphis little finger and like bit
his brother's finger and I justlost it.
It wasn't just like, oh, I feelangry, I felt rage, like almost
like an out-of-body experience.
It's like something comes overyou and it's like almost like
(03:33):
you're not yourself and I justscreamed at him and I physically
hurt him because I felt so likealmost like wrath in that
moment at my son that he woke upthe baby, because I spent hours
trying to calm the baby down,who's been crying for hours, and
(03:54):
immediately filled with so muchshame and remorse and feeling
like I'm a terrible mom.
How could I ever have done thatto my son, like what's wrong
with me?
And all those, you know, reallyshameful thoughts.
And that was my firstexperience and that felt really,
(04:14):
really scary, becauseoftentimes we do feel angry but
we can still remain somewhat incontrol right, we can still kind
of control ourselves.
But that felt completely out ofcontrol, like I could not, I
felt like I couldn't controlmyself in that moment and that
felt really, really scary for me.
And then, when I had my thirdson and my husband was a flight
(04:37):
attendant at that time and hewas traveling a lot and I had
three young boys, five and underhim, being gone for days at a
time.
That's when things reallystarted to turn the corner,
where I started to notice a lotmore of episodes like that, like
a lot of reactive anger andspanking my kids out of rage and
(05:01):
anger, just because I felt outof control, that things were not
going my way and I was taking Iwasn't spanking it in a
biblical way, I was just takingmy anger out at them, and so it
just got to a point where I juststarted to feel really bad
about myself as a mom.
There was just so much guilt,shame, remorse, and I hated the
(05:22):
way that I was showing up for myfamily.
I was one way in church youknow, put together, mom a
Christian was part of Biblestudies, and then I felt like I
was a completely differentperson at home and there were
times where I was great and thenall of a sudden, like this,
anger takes over and I was justnot myself at all and I ended up
(05:44):
seeking help.
I was just not myself at alland I ended up seeking help.
One of my Christian mentors atthat time.
She recommended for me to go toparenting counseling and even
though it wasn't faith-based, Idid learn a lot of helpful tools
, except I had a hard timeimplementing them because I was
trying to do it all on my own,without the Holy Spirit and
God's help.
And so when I figured that outthat I can't just do this on my
(06:08):
own strength like, yes, thesetools are super helpful and I
need God to help me on thisjourney.
And one of the biggest changesthat I made at that time that
was super transformational forme was my kids were sleeping
through the night at that timeand I started to get up in the
morning before my kids and spendthrough the night at that time
and I started to get up in themorning before my kids and spend
time with the Lord on a regularbasis.
(06:30):
I read the Bible journal, dosome Christian meditations and
like move my body not nothingmajor, but I had a solid hour to
myself in the mornings beforemy kids got up, and that was
actually very transformationalfor me.
It allowed me to have thecapacity to start implementing
(06:51):
the tools that I was learning incounseling at that time in
parenting counseling and once Istarted to see that there was
such a big breakthrough, I'm thetype of person where I learned
something and I just can't keepit to myself.
I'm like I have to share itwith my friends and other people
that I know, and I did.
(07:11):
I would share a lot with myfriends and then I shared
everything with all the friendsI had to share with and I had an
idea to start a podcast.
I ended up starting a podcastfour and a half years ago called
Emotionally Healthy Legacy, andit was about having that
emotional connection with yourkids and managing your emotions
(07:33):
well as a mom to set thatpositive, christ-like example
for your kids.
And now it's four and a halfyears old and it has come a long
way and that is my story, how Igot where I am today.
Ellen (07:47):
Oh, elizabeth, thank you so much for just sharing that
and I really appreciate yourhonesty and authenticity,
because it is hard.
I know I experienced a littlebit as well During a time when
my children were very, veryyoung and you're just.
You're learning how to navigatethis whole new experience of
(08:09):
mothering that you've neverexperienced before and, like you
said, it brings out thingsinside you that you never even
knew were there.
Well, you said that you sharedit with so many people.
Is that sort of when yourealize that this is something
that other women really neededtoo?
Elizabeth (08:29):
Yeah Well, rage is not something women typically
share with one another, even inChristian circles, and even if
they do, oftentimes other womenfeel too shameful to admit that
they struggle with it too, andthen you feel like an outsider.
So it's very uncommon for womento find other moms that
(08:53):
struggle with the same thing andthey're transparent and open
enough to share about it.
And so how I started to realizethat it was an issue was I'm a
very you know, authentic,transparent person is having
deeper conversations with closepeople in my life.
And as more deeperconversations happened, you know
(09:16):
, things started to open up.
And my sister-in-law she was onmy podcast as well and she
shared how her first daughteralso cried a lot.
She had a bunch of tummy issuesand she said I remember like
picking her up and just feelingso mad that she would not stop
screaming and like her mind istelling her all these stories.
(09:36):
She's making my day hard, she'sruining my you know sleep at
night.
Why is she doing this to me?
And you have all these negativethoughts that are contributing
to your frustration and anger.
And as I started to openlyshare my story and being
transparent how God hastransformed my life, more women
(09:58):
felt comfortable to open up andshare their stories.
But it's very uncommon forsomebody to just openly say, hey
, I struggle with mom rage, justbecause it's such a shameful
topic.
You literally feel likesomething is wrong with you,
like you're like why, what'swrong with me?
Why do I do this?
I'm a Christian, I pray, I readthe Bible.
Like why do?
(10:18):
Why is this keep happening tome?
And so that's kind of like howI got into this topic, because I
noticed that there's a lot ofpractical things that contribute
to rage as well.
It's not just a spiritual thing, like that is part of it, but
there's a lot of practicalthings that also lead up to it.
And as more conversations I'vehad with women in my circle, the
(10:42):
more I realized mom, our momsare struggling with it.
They just don't want to talkabout it.
It's just too embarrassing.
It's too embarrassing what youdid.
And I remember one of myfriends has even shared with me.
She's like I can never tellpeople what I've done, like with
the moments that I had rage.
I just I cannot tell others theway that I treated my daughter
(11:03):
at that time when her son was ababy.
He was colicky, he wasscreaming, and then your toddler
comes up to you and yourtoddler wants you and needs you
and you're just in this stressstate that you just react Like
you don't respond.
You react in very unkind, harshand mean ways and then you're
(11:26):
like what just happened?
This isn't even me.
What's wrong with me?
So it's a very hard topic.
It's a really hard thing tovulnerably share with other
people, because you're not sureif somebody's going to say, oh,
I understand, because they mightsay I don't Not.
Every mom is dealing with thisRight.
Ellen (11:46):
No, that makes so much sense, and thank you for
listening to that need that yousaw in other women and sort of
digging deeper to get to thatand stepping in to help people
get the support that they need.
I want to talk a little bitabout how your faith influences
(12:07):
how you approach this issue,because we have this Christian
worldview, and so I'd love tohear how your faith plays into
it.
Elizabeth (12:17):
Yeah, and it plays a huge role because, yes, there's
a lot of practical things thatyou can do to lower your stress,
to work on your mindset, torewire your responses, and if we
just try to do everything onour own strength, we might see
some improvement, but we'll hita wall.
(12:39):
We cannot have a true hearttransformation without God.
And so when women come to me inmy coaching program, I have a
true heart transformationwithout God.
And so when women come to me inmy coaching program, I have a
12-week Calm Christian Momcoaching program that is
specifically for Christian momsthat struggle with
out-of-control anger, that trythe podcast, the books, talking
(13:00):
to a friend praying, and theystill feel like they're stuck in
reactive, destructive anger.
I support them and we have astep-by-step process, but in the
beginning we start withconnecting with the Lord, and if
we want to be like Jesus, if wewant to show Christ to our
(13:20):
children, if we want to beloving and kind and forgiving
and tender and warm and softlike Jesus, we need to spend
time with him.
You cannot become like him ifyou don't spend time with him.
And so if we want to be likeJesus towards our children and
be Christ-like, we need to startwith him and because there's
(13:45):
going to be certaincircumstances and situations
where, yes, you can implementthe tools that you're learning,
the practical things to calmyour nervous system, lower your
stress, your mindset, and you'restill going to hit a wall,
because we are humans, we aresinners and we need God to truly
help us in those hard, trickysituations, because sometimes
(14:06):
you're like I literally don'tknow what to do, like I cannot
think of something to handle thesituation well, and you're like
Jesus, please help me.
This feels really, really hard,and I have moments like that
with my kids too.
I have four kids.
Sometimes, you know, it's alittle bit chaotic.
All four of them need me.
At the same time, I have atoddler right now who has very
big emotions.
(14:26):
You might know you have girls.
They have really big feelingsoftentimes when they're toddlers
, especially if you're.
You know you're not justsuppressing their feelings,
you're teaching them how to dealwith them in a helpful way.
And some moments feel really,really hard and I literally say
it out loud, like Jesus, thisfeels really, really hard and I
literally say it out loud, likeJesus, this feels really, really
hard.
Please help me in this moment.
(14:47):
Give me the wisdom anddiscernment and patience that I
need in this moment because thisfeels so hard.
Even with all the practicalthings and tools that I know and
have learned, I still need Godto truly help me in those
difficult, challenging moments.
Because I'm a human, I stillhave a sinful flesh and the true
(15:11):
heart.
Transformation only happenswith the Lord.
Ellen (15:15):
I couldn't agree more and I just love how your faith
shapes your approach to tacklingthis and just bringing God into
the picture, because if wethink about God as being you
know, all, knowing God, he'sthere with you.
I think sometimes we lose sightof just the impact of the Holy
(15:39):
Spirit working inside of us tobe able to help us through
situations.
Well, let's talk a little bitabout understanding and managing
mom rage.
You use the phrase mom rage alot.
What do you see as thedifference between mom rage and
just regular anger?
Elizabeth (16:01):
Yeah, that's a great question Because as humans, we
all experience anger at somepoint, and it's a normal human
emotion that God created us with.
Except there's normal anger andthen there's destructive anger,
the one that's actuallydamaging your relationships with
(16:21):
people around you.
So I teach that there's likedifferent levels.
There's, oh, I feel irritated,kind of like annoyed.
Things are not going the waythat you thought they were going
to go.
Then you start feeling a littlebit more frustrated that things
are not going your way and thenyou start getting to the point
of anger.
Okay, so when we feelfrustrated and even like
(16:43):
transitioning to anger, anger isfeeling a little bit more
intense.
At that point it's still comingout through our words.
When we start gettingdysregulated and our nervous
system is getting out of whack,the part of our brain that helps
us think clearly and helps usmake good, rational choices, the
thinking part of our brainright here it turns off, and
that's why, when we hit to rage,we do things that feel
(17:05):
completely out of control.
So we have our thinking brain,then we have our feeling brain
in the center and then we haveour brainstem in the back, which
is like our survival part ofthe brain.
And so when we're starting tofeel kind of like frustrated and
a little bit annoyed, we'restill in our thinking brain, we
can still make good choices.
It's like, yeah, I feelfrustrated, things are not going
my way, but I can still makegood choices for the most part.
(17:29):
When we're starting to feelangry, we shift to that
emotional part of the brain andwhen we're there, the thinking
brain starts to turn off and westart noticing that it comes out
in our attitude and it's likedisrespectful.
We only see our perspective,how we are right and everyone
else is wrong.
We start raising our voice butwe're not being mean or harsh or
(17:52):
destructive yet.
We're just kind of like mean orharsh or destructive, yet we're
just kind of like I feel angry,I'm feeling intense, but it's
not destroying with our words orour actions.
And then, when the stressbuilds up enough, if we don't
recognize, hey, I'm feelingangry right now and I need to do
something to calm myself down.
It's praying, it's taking deepbreaths, it's walking away or
(18:14):
releasing your anger in somehelpful way like the physical
intensity.
If we don't recognize that andwe continue to stay in that
stressful state, we will shiftto the survival part of the
brain and then it completelyturns off our thinking brain and
in survival part of the brainit's fight, flight or freeze.
So some people just like freeze, like they pretty much shut
(18:36):
down.
Some people say you know what?
Everything is too much, I can'tdeal with this, I'm just going
to walk away.
This is just all too much.
And then some people go intofight mode and the fight mode is
I describe it it's like a traingoing a thousand miles an hour
and you just cannot stop it.
You have this aerial view ofyourself.
(18:59):
It's almost like you, almost italmost feels like an
out-of-body experience.
You have this aerial view ofyourself.
You know what you're doing iswrong, sinful, destructive,
damaging, and you almost like,cannot stop yourself.
It's like you're saying reallydamaging, hurtful things.
Your mouth just feels so out ofcontrol and you start to
(19:21):
physically want to release thatanger by throwing things, by
slamming things, by twistingyour kid's ear, yanking their
arms, spanking them, in rage.
And it's almost like your mindis like I know this is wrong,
but I do not care, like that israge.
When you're like I know what I'mdoing is wrong, but in the
(19:42):
moment I don't care, I'm justgonna keep on doing it.
That is when you are in thatrage and the reason you feel so
out of control is because thepart of the brain that helps you
make good logical choices iscompletely offline.
And so when I work with moms inthe coaching program, I help
them recognize like, hey, thereare signs that your body is
(20:05):
telling you and showing you whenyou're starting to shift from
frustration to anger.
We need to recognize that andcatch you there so you can shift
back to the thinking part ofthe brain, so you don't end up
in the survival part of thebrain, because once you get
there, is it possible to stillstop?
With God's help it is, but Ican tell you it feels a thousand
(20:28):
times harder than if you are inthat frustration, anger, and
you can catch yourself there anduse, like the scripture and the
tools to help you shift back toyour thinking part of the brain
.
So rage, that is likedestructive, damaging.
It's ruining your relationshipwith your husband, it's ruining
(20:49):
your relationship with your kids.
You're literally hurting yourkids and you will know if you
have rage because you will befilled with so much remorse and
shame and even convicting guilt,because convicting guilt is
actually a good thing, becauseit's from the Lord.
It's convicting you that whatyou did was wrong and sinful and
(21:12):
you need to change.
Ellen (21:14):
Yes, thank you so much for just helping us make that
distinction and sort of thatprocess.
You know that your body goesthrough so that you can try to
catch it before, like you said,your brain shuts off and it
makes it much, much,exponentially harder to be able
to do that.
That's so important, I think,to understand just how your body
(21:38):
is working in the process.
And you know, I was just gonnamake a little plug here just for
coaching and I've been throughcoaching for ADHD and, like you
said, it's so different Like Icould read everything about it
but it's so helpful when youhave someone walking you through
(22:01):
daily life doing it, so I canappreciate how that must be so
helpful for people.
Why do you think rage issomething that moms tend to even
struggle with?
I think so many young people.
I'm in an age where my youngestor my kids are starting to have
(22:22):
their own kids and you'rehaving baby showers and you
think it's all going to be justso wonderful and great.
You can't possibly even imaginethat you could end up with mom
rage.
Elizabeth (22:33):
Yeah.
So what I have found ismajority of the people that come
and work with me are moms thatdefinitely have kids 10 and
under, if not mostly toddlersand babies and here's what I
have found contributes to rage.
You get to the point of ragewhen you have enough stress that
builds up in your mind and body.
(22:55):
And, yes, there's a spiritualaspect about it where we need to
bring this to the Lord.
We need to pray, we need tospend time with the Lord.
That's a huge part of it.
But also, when you sit down andyou read and you pray and you
journal, all of that is socalming to your nervous system.
It massively lowers your stresslevels.
(23:17):
That's like even the practicalaspect.
If you wake up and your stresslevel is a nine out of 10, and
you spend your first half anhour with the Lord, you can
bring your stress level down toa two Based on just like reading
, praying and journaling likeall of those are so helpful to
lower your stress level andjournaling, like all of those
(23:39):
are so helpful to lower yourstress level.
Stress level is huge.
What I have found is that momswith young kids are often just
very depleted and burnout, andthat contributes to the rage.
So I always start out with mymamas with basic needs.
If you are feeling sleepdeprived and you skipping meals,
meals, and you're constantlydehydrated, your body will
(24:01):
perceive all of that as a threatand it's not going to take the
energy to learn how toemotionally regulate and calm
you.
It's going to focus all theenergy to like hey, I'm hungry,
I feel tired, I need to sleep.
Like your body's taking theenergy wants to focus on that.
Like I'm sleep deprived, I needto sleep.
I need to sleep.
Like your body's taking theenergy wants to focus on that.
Like I'm sleep deprived, I needto sleep, I need to rest, I
(24:21):
need to eat meals.
So I always start with thebasics, with mom Constantly just
outputting, outputting,outputting and not doing
anything to support yourself andinput, even like we talked
about spending time with theLord.
That's huge, that's input.
If you want to serve yourfamily better, if you want to
have more capacity for them, youneed to start with inputting
(24:46):
and supporting yourself first.
Jesus had plenty of times wherehe literally left the crowd and
his disciples to just be byhimself and spend time with the
Lord.
It is not selfish for you totell your husband hey, I feel
really depleted and I feeloverstimulated, overwhelmed and
I need to get out of the housefor a couple hours while you do
(25:07):
the bedtime routine with thekids.
Can we figure out once a weekwhere you can do that and I can
leave the house, go to a coffeeshop, get together with a friend
heck, go walk around Target fora couple hours just looking at
all the pretty decor that theyhave that you're probably not
going to get because you havetoddlers.
That's what I like to do, likefeeling depleted just because
(25:31):
you're constantly outputting.
The other thing that momsstruggle with rage is they have
unprocessed emotions.
They have unprocessed feelingstowards their husband or towards
other circumstances or otherpeople and they're just
suppressing those feelings andit comes out and so that reduces
(25:52):
their capacity and it justcomes out on their family much
easier.
The other huge thing is negativemindset.
If you have a lot of negativethoughts and playing the role of
a victim in your mind insteadof taking responsibility for
your own actions, you're alsogoing to struggle.
So an example of that likeplaying a role of a victim would
(26:16):
be.
The first example is in theGarden of Eden.
So when God came to Adam and hesaid, hey, did you eat the
fruit from the tree?
And Adam said, yes, but Evegave it to me Instead of taking
ownership and responsibility.
Yes, I did that, I sinned.
What I did was wrong, like Idisobeyed the Lord.
He blamed it.
That's what victim mentalitydoes.
(26:38):
And then Eve did the same thing.
She blamed it on the serpent.
And so if we have thatperspective that, oh, my kids
make me yell, my kids won't letme do this, they always do this
and X, y, z, you're going to bein a very negative mindset and
your negative thoughts willsignificantly reduce your
(26:58):
patience as well.
It directly contributes to that, because your thoughts create
your feelings and your feelingscreate your actions.
So if you're thinking, oh mygoodness, again, the baby woke
up in the middle of the night.
She never lets me sleep, why isshe doing this?
You're walking to the bedroomfeeling tense and frustrated
(27:19):
instead of you waking up in themiddle of the night and she's
crying because she needs me.
I am her safe person and I knowwhat she needs to calm herself
down.
And so those are differentthoughts and they produce
different feelings and the waythat you carry yourself and the
way that you handle thesituation.
(27:39):
The other couple that areprobably huge for moms is unmet
expectations.
They have unrealisticexpectations of their kids,
especially toddlers.
They just expect their toddlersto already know what to do
certain things or have certainbehaviors, and when the kids
don't, they feel massivelytriggered and reactive.
(28:02):
And instead of doing what theBible tells us to, you know,
focus on self-control they'refocusing on other control.
And when you're focusing onother control, that creates a
lot of frustration because thattells us.
The Bible says the fruit of thespirit is self-control.
And when we try to controlcircumstances and other people,
including our kids, we feelreally frustrated and easily
(28:25):
angered because that's not inour control.
It's not in our control if thebaby cries again for the fifth
time in the middle of the night.
It's not in our control.
If the toddler throws a fit,it's not in our control.
If the toddler throws a fit,it's not in our control.
If it rains at my son'sbirthday party, that's supposed
to be outside.
What is in my control is whatI'm going to choose to think,
(28:47):
say and do.
That is what is in my control,and we invite God and ask him to
give us the right perspectivein those moments instead of just
reacting and dwelling on thosenegative thoughts.
So we learn how to take ournegative thoughts captive, and I
have a really great resourceactually that I will share with
(29:09):
your audience.
I have a training that I puttogether.
It's called how to Become aPatient Mom so you Stop
Screaming Over Spilled Milk andit goes into deeper things, like
what are things that arecontributing to you feeling
reactive and what are the thingsthat you can do, starting today
, to start making those changes?
Ellen (29:30):
I bet that's so encouraging to someone who's
really struggling with this thatthere are some practical things
that you can begin to do today,which is incredible.
We'll make sure we have a linkfor that in our show notes.
I really appreciate youacknowledging those underlying
pressures that cause moms tohave rage, and there's a lot of
(29:53):
different reasons, as youmentioned.
How would you then definereactive parenting?
Because we're looking atbehaviors of kids that we don't
have control of, and how do momssort of break that cycle?
Elizabeth (30:13):
Yeah, that's a wonderful question.
So reactive parenting, I wouldsay, is you just react to what
your kids are doing.
You're not thinking it through,it's not intentional.
Your child screams and you justreact by screaming back or, you
know, spanking them quickly orjust telling them to be quiet
(30:34):
right away.
That is a reaction.
You're not thinking it through,it's not an intentional
response.
I would say reaction istypically negative and when you
react you don't really feel goodin the way that you showed up.
It doesn't align with theperson God is calling you to be
and a response is intentional.
(30:54):
You typically pause, you thinkthrough what you're going to
think, say and do in that momentand it is aligned with
scripture.
It's aligned with who God iscalling you to be and when you
respond you feel good about theway that you showed up as a mom.
You're not filled with guilt,shame or remorse.
(31:15):
And so reactive parentinghappens oftentimes if you're not
thinking, you're just doing it.
And then you're like oh, whatdid I just say?
Why did I just do?
Why did I do it?
It doesn't necessarily meanthat you're enraged, it's just,
it's like an automatic reaction.
You have pathways in your brainthat have been created over
time over years, to have acertain reaction to a certain
(31:40):
situation.
When somebody does something,you just react a certain way.
When your kid does this, youreact a certain way and in order
to respond, you need to createliterally a new pathway in your
brain how to respond in a Godhonoring way.
So have you.
You know Wendy speak and AmberLeah.
Do you know who they are?
(32:00):
I don't know.
So they've been on manypodcasts and they have a book
called triggers and it'striggers in motherhood and it's
on anger, and they have a reallygreat phrase in that book and
it says figure out what you meanto say before you say something
mean.
And I love that.
And what I do with my clients Iactually have them proactively
(32:24):
journal what they're going tothink, say and do in these
triggering situations.
For example, I have one of myclients back in the fall.
She had a two and a half yearold daughter that wanted to
buckle herself in the car andthe mom thought that the toddler
would not be able to do it andso every time she would put her
(32:45):
in the car, she would try tobuckle her and the toddler would
resist, scream, yell, and itwould create all this tension,
frustration.
She would have to, like, pinher toddler down, try to get her
, you know, buckled and end upin a lot of frustration and
tension between the two of them.
And so we started to do someproactive journaling.
I call it vision writing with myclients and creating a vision
(33:09):
how you want to handle it, thatsame tricky situation, in a
responsive way.
Because right now you know youdon't want to yell, you know you
don't want to scream, you knowyou don't want to yell, you know
you don't want to scream, youknow you don't want to hurt your
kid, you know you don't want toreact in rage.
What, what do you want to do?
We got to train your brain whatyou do want to do, how you do
want to respond in a Godhonoring way.
(33:32):
We actually put it in a journaland you journal like in present
tense tense, and it's apositive response.
So when we get to the car withmy toddler, I remind myself it
is normal for a two-year-old towant to learn to do things
herself.
I let my toddler get into theseat and I tell myself I have
(33:53):
time to let her buckle herself,or at least try I can create
time for this no-transcript Ifit looks like she's struggling,
I ask her do you want mommy tohelp you?
And she says yes, and then Ihelp her and I remain calm and
grounded and peaceful and,however, we finish the scenario,
(34:17):
but you teach your brain whatyou're going to do positively in
that moment instead of reacting.
Ellen (34:25):
I love that proactive journaling.
I love that proactivejournaling that's so smart,
because, having witnessed now Ihave one grandchild who's one,
and even at one they're alreadypushing your buttons, so to
(34:52):
speak, and I love that we can beproactive because we can to
some degree sort of predict theyget into repeating patterns,
and I love that you can changeyour pathway of thinking to a
more positive one.
That's awesome.
Well, let's talk a little bitabout a few more practical tools
and some spiritual support.
How can scripture help reframeour view of anger?
Elizabeth (35:11):
I love that question.
It's such a great question andI was like thinking about, I'm
like how can I respond to thisquestion in a good way?
And so one of the first thingsthat happens a lot when I work
with moms is they feel thatanger is sinful and it's just
wrong like that.
They are not allowed to feelanger and that's not what the
(35:32):
Bible says.
The Bible says, well, first ofall, god experiences anger, but
it's righteous anger and Jesusexperienced anger and that was
righteous anger.
Our human anger oftentimes well, majority of the time does not
produce the righteousness of God.
The human anger sometimes thatwe feel towards injustice that
(35:54):
makes sense, right when somebodydid something that hurt another
person, like sex trafficking orsomething like that.
That is definitely good angerbecause it motivates us to do
something about it.
We get so passionate about itthen we actually end up doing
something about it.
But anger itself on its own isnot sin.
It's what we do in that anger.
So in Ephesians it says in youranger, do not sin.
(36:17):
Ephesians 4.26.
So be angry and do not sin.
It's not that anger on its ownis wrong and sinful, it's what
we do in that anger.
Listen, I have four kids.
There's constantly somethingthat somebody is doing on a
daily basis that I don't like,that maybe feels frustrating and
(36:38):
maybe even sometimes angering.
And with all the things thatI've learned along the way, I
have learned to allow myself tofeel frustrated and even angry
at times.
But it's not destructive, it'snot sinful.
I'm not hurting my kids, I'mnot hurting my husband, I'm not
saying or doing anythingdamaging.
(36:58):
I say, hey, I feel reallyfrustrated right now because of
X, y, z and I'm just going to gotake a break, calm down, and
then we can come back and talkabout this later.
And so anger on itself is notsin.
You just had an episode withyour daughter on July 3rd, you
guys talked about being slow tospeak and you talked about being
(37:19):
slow to anger, and one of thethings that she mentioned in
there that was so great.
She said anger is a messenger.
It's a secondary emotion.
Anger is a messenger.
It's a secondary emotion.
It's telling you something isgoing on, and so in Ephesians it
says that what it says likehere, ephesians 4, 1 through 2,
it says what causes fights andquarrels among you?
(37:40):
Don't they come from yourdesires, that battle within you?
And so something is underneaththat anger, and our job is to be
curious.
I wonder what's going on that'scontributing to my anger.
Instead of what's wrong with me, that's more like a shameful
statement.
I wonder what's going on thatis contributing to me feeling
(38:03):
angry.
So God felt anger and hecreated us with human emotions.
We need to learn how to stillallow emotions instead of
suppressing them, but we need toprocess them and release them
in a healthy way that'snon-destructive and not sinful
and not damaging ourrelationships with our loved
(38:25):
ones and, yeah, hurting peoplearound us with our loved ones.
Ellen (38:29):
And yeah, hurting people around us.
That's so incredibly importantand I love that you've been able
to articulate that in a waythat I think people will really
be able to resonate andunderstand that one thing leads
to another.
You know you mentioned theimportance of just staying in
scripture and understandingGod's design for our life, and
(38:53):
it really goes hand in hand inunderstanding our bodies and how
they work, so I love that youhave pointed that out.
Well, as we start to wrapthings up here, elizabeth, I
just want to talk about you knowsomeone's listening to this
here today what would be somereal practical things that you
(39:15):
could recommend to help womenlearn to control their anger.
Elizabeth (39:19):
We first need to start with awareness and
recognizing hey, this is aproblem, this is destroying my
relationships, this is sinful,this is hurting God.
We need to start with awareness, because it's hard to work on
something if we don't admit thatit's a problem.
So first we need to recognizehey, this is a problem and I
(39:43):
need help.
And sometimes just listening topodcasts is enough.
Sometimes reading a book alongwith the Bible is enough.
Sometimes we need to spend moretime with the Lord and that is
enough for us to lower ourstress levels and to learn the
tools of self-control.
And sometimes we need a littlebit more guidance.
(40:06):
And so I would encourage you,ladies that are listening to
this and you resonate with a lot.
You can go listen to my podcast.
I have a lot of helpful freeresources over there.
I go through certain topics andlike, let's say, you're running
late with the kids and you feelfrustrated, angry.
How do you respond in thosemoments?
(40:27):
How do you take your thoughtscaptive in that moment?
How do you which?
Which thought do you change andhow do you change it to?
And I teach you that in likecertain episodes, so you can
start there.
My podcast is called EmotionallyHealthy Legacy.
So, first of all, isrecognizing that you have an
issue and then recognizing youneed to do something about it.
So is it listening to a podcast?
(40:48):
Is it reading a book?
Is it going to counseling?
Is it like spending more timein the word with God?
Is it actually reaching out forsupport and accountability?
Because sometimes we're in aplace where we actually do need
that handholding and thatguidance.
Sometimes we feel really stuck,we're so lost we just don't
(41:09):
even know where to start.
Everything feels too much, toooverwhelming, and we are in a
place where, like somebody, justlike, hold my hand, tell me a
step by step process what to do.
And that is where I come in,where I help women with that.
But I would say, for recognizingthat you have an issue and then
(41:30):
taking the first step, spendingtime with the Lord and asking
God show me and guide me what Ineed to work on.
What is the root of my anger?
Is it overstimulation, that I'mconstantly spending so much
time on my phone and feeling sotriggered by my kids because I
am just escaping the reality,because everything feels like
(41:53):
too much?
Is it the constant mess in thehouse that is contributing to me
feeling super triggered?
Is it unprocessed trauma that Ineed to go to counseling and
get help for Asking the Lord toguide you, to show you what is
the root of your anger so youcan actually take steps moving
forward, because it's not a onething for everybody.
(42:16):
There's different things.
That's contributing to that.
Ellen (42:20):
Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.
Those are such practical andjust empowering tools.
Thank you for giving women justreal steps that they can take
to walk in healing andself-control.
Elizabeth, where can peoplefind out more information about
you and your work?
Elizabeth (42:40):
Yeah, so I have a website called
emotionallyhealthylegacycom.
It will tell you about mycoaching program there, about my
story, and then my podcast iswhere you can connect with me
the most.
I show up there regularly, weekafter week, also called
emotionally healthy legacypodcast, and I don't really hang
(43:04):
out on social media.
It's not an area where I devotemuch time to at all.
So the podcast and my websiteare the two places.
And then I have the freeresource for your listeners how
to become a patient mom, so youstop screaming over spilled milk
.
Ellen (43:20):
Very good, very good, all right.
Well, we will make sure weinclude links to all of those
things in our show notes.
But before we go, all of thosethings in our show notes, but
before we go, we have to ask yousome of our favorite questions
here what Bible is your go-toBible and which translation is
it?
Elizabeth (43:37):
It is the ESV Study Bible.
That is the one that I reallylike, and sometimes I use the
New Living Translation, aone-year Bible.
I like that one too, but theStudy Bible is the one that I
really like the most.
Ellen (43:53):
Excellent.
Okay, yes, that's an excellentBible.
Okay, do you have any favoriteBible journaling supplies you
like to use?
Elizabeth (44:01):
No, I thought about that, but I really.
It's just a journal and a pen.
It's nothing massive, and I wasthinking on that question when
I got the email the other dayand I'm like I don't have
anything fancy to share it'sjust a journal and a pen, and
that's it.
Ellen (44:18):
That works Absolutely Okay.
Last one what is your favoriteapp or website for Bible study
tools?
Elizabeth (44:26):
So I don't do much on like apps and like online stuff
.
I like like the physical.
But if I had to choose an app,I do like to listen to podcasts,
and so the ones that I reallylike is the Big Life devotional
podcast and A Year in the Bible.
(44:47):
So if I listen to some sort oflike study online, that is the
ones that I listen to.
Ellen (44:54):
All right, very good.
Thank you so much, elizabeth.
We appreciate you being heresharing your stories, and just
the wisdom oozes out of you fromseeing how God has worked in
your life in this way, and we'rejust so grateful that you were
willing to come in and shareyour message and help others.
Elizabeth (45:13):
I appreciate the opportunity to come and serve
your audience.
Thank you Very good.
Ellen (45:18):
If you're listening and you resonate with Elizabeth's
message, be sure to check outher podcast Emotionally Healthy
Legacy and explore her coachingand resources for moms.
And, as always, if this episodeblessed you, would you take a
moment to leave a review orshare it with a friend?
(45:38):
It helps more women find thesehonest, Christ-centered
conversations.
Well, we love you all.
We thank you for joining us onthe Coffee and Bible Time
podcast.
We'll talk to you next time.
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