Coffee and Pearls - Painful Marriage and Valentine's Day

The internet will no doubt be covered by hearts, candy, balloons, and more today. Once again a Catholic holiday (holy-day) has been co-opted by our secular culture. I don't mind the pictures, actually. We have a lovely book about St. Valentine and I think he would be proud that people stop and do nice things for their loved ones today. 

Where we get in trouble is when we believe that the absence of candy and balloons means an absence of love... or that love means warm and romantic feelings at all. 

I looked up the definition of romantic/romance and it was funny. A lot of it talked about books, movies where characters fall in love. Even the verb definition said, "to invent or relate romances; indulge in fanciful or extravagant stories or daydreams." The definitions all seemed to be circular... romantic referenced romance which referenced romantically which then referenced romance. 

If the dictionary is a bit confused about romance, it's no wonder we are with all the characters that surround us, both real and cultivated online. 

It's no secret that my marriage is going through a rough patch. Can we still say patch if it's been three years? Maybe we're in a rough orchard. On the outside, I'm sure we look okay. We function extremely well as partners taking care of our home, our business, and our kids. We even do a good job taking care of each other, doing nice things for the other person. 

It's the feelings that are missing, the warmth. And that's not surprising with 8+ months of abstinence... again. But since today seems to be about celebrating feelings, it's okay if you feel crummy. It's okay if your marriage is strained and the site of all the heart garlands and frosted cookies makes you feel a little bitter. 

Let those feelings bubble up. Notice them. Name them if you can.

"I thought there'd be more sacramental grace. What does grace feel like?"

"How can this be the person God meant me to be with?"

"I love my family so much but I also feel trapped."