December 10, 2024 • 32 mins
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SHOW DESCRIPTION
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Do you know your value? In this episode, I explore how we as women can better understand and assert our value, voice, and presence in various aspects of life. Drawing from personal experiences and expert insights, this episode delves into overcoming the societal challenges that have historically minimized women's voices, particularly those of women of color. We discuss communication styles, self-worth, and the importance of taking up space with confidence. Join me, as we sip on our favorite beverages and uncover strategies for truly owning our space.
TL;DR
This episode emphasizes self-awareness in communication styles, understanding how we receive information, recognizing our intrinsic value, and learning to effectively take up space.
Time Stamps
00:00 Introduction: Knowing Your Value
00:32 Common Phrases That Diminish Women
01:06 The Struggles of Women in Male-Dominated Spaces
01:44 Welcome to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity
02:49 Vinh Giang's Advice on Vocal and Physical Presence
04:40 Intersectionality and Communication Challenges
06:12 Childhood Experiences and Lasting Impacts
09:26 Corporate World Challenges
17:34 Understanding Communication Styles
25:16 Self-Worth and Value
28:07 Presence and Taking Up Space
31:46 Conclusion
CONNECT WITH ME
RESOURCES
Note: I do not have any affiliations with, sponsorships or endorsements from any of the resources mentioned. They are listed for your reference.
Mental Health Resources
Ph: 988
National Institute of Mental Health
Sexual Violence Resources
Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)
Substance Abuse Resources
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Credits
Vihn Giang: How to Command More Respect When You Speak
“You Talk Too Much” by Run D.M.C.
“I Am Love” by Jennifer Holliday
Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Coming up next on Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
Do you know your value?
Your value is something only youcan determine for yourself.
We as women have a right to takeup space and to use space.
Truly understanding ourselves isthe first step towards owning
(00:23):
everything that is rightfullyours.
Make sure you have a beverageand some time on your hands.
We're going to take our timewith this one...
Why do you talk so loud?
Talks excessively in class.
You're very verbose.
You always have something tosay.
(00:45):
You're so aggressive.
Stick to working with your handsbecause you'll never be able to
do anything better than that.
What are some of the phrases youheard as a woman that was
designed to shut down yourvoice, diminish your presence,
and make you feel like you weretaking up too much space?
(01:06):
In this episode, we're divinginto the struggles we face as
women when it comes to ourvoice, our presence, and owning
the spaces at work, in ourrelationships...
really in our existence, alongwith what we can do to start
moving from a sense or realplace of being minimized and
diminished to being seen andheard.
(01:29):
The next episode, we'll focus onsix things we can use to
overcome some of thesechallenges that have been
imposed upon us.
Make sure you have a beverageand some time on your hands.
We're going to take our timewith this one...
Hey Girl! Have you been lookingfor a safe space for women to
have authentic conversationsaround everything that impacts
(01:53):
our life, careers, andrelationships?
I'm Shai Boston, and on thisshow, I talk about all things
connected to our personal andprofessional development so we
can live our best and authenticlives.
Grab a drink.
Sit back, and let's have a chat.
It's time for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
(02:16):
Over the last day or so, I'vebeen mulling over some
conversations that I've had onLinkedIn.
As we sip on our beverages forme, today's choice is Cafe
Bustelo Decaf with someStarbucks Caramel Macchiato
non-dairy creamer.
I know that's a mouthful.
What are you going to be having?
So as we sip on our beverages,I'd like for you to listen to or
(02:40):
watch the following video byVinh Giang, which was at the
root of the conversations andthe basis for these episodes.
Hi Vinh, I work in a maledominated industry.
For all the women here, I wouldlike to ask what tips you can
provide us to help elevate andamplify our message and help us
(03:01):
get a voice within meetings.
Vihn Giang (03:03):
Thank you for the question.
I just want to acknowledge aswell that it is infinitely more
difficult for women than it isfor men.
We have a thicker line, whereaswomen you walk a thinner line.
It's more difficult, but it'spossible and it's all to do with
vocal and physical presence.
I'm going to ask you a questionand I'd like you to answer the
question for me so I can get asense.
(03:24):
What's your goal in this chapterof life?
Participant (03:26):
My goal ultimately is to be fit enough to hike
around Europe and just take offand live my best life.
I'm going to be active, I'mgoing to hike through Europe,
and I'm going to crush it.
Vihn (03:40):
Big round of applause, yes! Yes! What I'm training her
to do is, Increase vocalpresence dramatically.
And then the second thing I'mgetting her to do is, give me
more authority with her bodylanguage.
And then the third thing I'mgetting her to do, which a lot
of women are afraid to do, istake up the space.
Don't be afraid to take upspace.
Women, sometimes you have a trapin your mind, and you think, if
(04:02):
I do this, I'm being bitchy.
There is nothing bitchy aboutit.
That is empowering, that is younot dimming your light, so that
the people around you feel morecomfortable.
I don't take issue with whatVinh said and how he coached
this particular participant.
In fact, I've shared the sameinformation when coaching my own
(04:22):
clients or teaching speakersabout presenting.
My immediate thought afterseeing it, outside of the fact
that it was good information,was that things are more
complicated than that for women,more notedly for women of color
and, more pointedly, for Blackwomen.
It prompted me to take some timeto dive into this subject as one
(04:44):
who trains and coaches others oncommunication, presentation,
speaking, and leadership skills.
The intersectionality of beingblack, a woman, and
neurodivergent is the onlyperspective that I can approach
this whole topic.
Although that's the case, whatwe'll talk about during our
discussions over the next twoepisodes can apply to all women
(05:07):
in some way.
By the way, if you're notfamiliar with the term
"intersectionality," accordingto the Oxford Dictionary, it
means"the interconnected natureof social categorizations such
as race, class and genderregarded as creating overlapping
and interdependent systems ofdiscrimination or disadvantage."
(05:30):
In other words, different formsof discrimination and
disadvantages are linkedtogether, and we need to
understand these links to fullyunderstand the experiences of
marginalized people.
When we talk about women ourvoices, our presence, our owning
and taking up space it gets muchmore complex depending on
(05:51):
backgrounds involving race,socioeconomic status, cultural
nuances, and more.
The combination of thoseperspectives were taken into
account for our discussions thatwe're going to have.
And with that said, I'm going totake a sip and let's get into
(06:11):
it.
As a little girl, when I was inschool, it always struck fear
and panic into my heart wheneverI would get a report card or
weekly progress report with theinfamous words,"She talks
excessively in class." I wouldget taunted by the kids on the
playground with"You talk toomuch." There were two hip hop
(06:34):
songs that were very popularback then.
One was"Big Mouth" by HoudiniYou got a big mouth.
A big mouth.
You got a big mouth.
A big mouth.
A big mouth and"You Talk TooMuch" by Run DMC.
You talk too much.
You never shut up.
(06:55):
I said you talk too much.
Homeboy, you never shut up.
When the boys would DJ afterschool in our school's rec
center, they always played thosesongs while looking at me.
Even the girls got in on it andmade my life, a nightmare at
times for me.
There was always pain associatedwith those songs and words.
(07:19):
The reality of the situation isthat I did talk a lot.
If I talk too much, you see, I'mtrying desperately to be
understood.
That's Ms.
Jennifer Holliday singing,"I AmLove," and that opening line, If
I talk too much, you see, I'mtrying desperately to be
(07:44):
understood." That alwaysresonated with me because I
always felt I wasn't heard andunderstood, even as a child.
Since I wasn't a fighter and Iwas super sensitive(thank you,
trauma), I felt things deeplyand didn't know how to defend
myself.
Therefore I talked.
(08:04):
Little did I know that it wasalso due to having ADHD and not
being able to more succinctlyexpress myself, which is a
factor we'll talk more aboutlater.
Nonetheless, those words Talksexcessively in class" and"You
talk too much", they livedrent-free in my head for many
(08:25):
years.
Whether such things were spokento us at school or something
similar was said in our homes,almost every woman I know still
has voices in her head from whenshe was a little girl that tells
her the same things.
Do you?
Those words, and sometimes thevenom behind them, sticks with
(08:48):
us leaving an indelible markthat can foster or feed limiting
beliefs.
It wasn't until later in life,when I finally recognized I had
a voice and I learned how to useit, did I realize that those
words were often used to try andmake me smaller, telling me that
(09:09):
I was filling up space, that Ididn't need to be heard, that my
presence was more than theycould handle.
What about you?
Did you experience somethingsimilar as a child?
At school?
Within your family?
At work?
Fast forward to my young adultyears and I was trying to build
(09:30):
a career in the corporate world.
I worked in Silicon Valley atone of the largest computing
companies at the time, and Iworked in university
recruitment.
So we were always on the phoneswith schools and students.
We were in marketing strategymeetings, meetings to discuss
how to train hiring managers onrecruiting, discussions about
upcoming recruiting events andso much more.
(09:53):
And in most of those meetings, Iwas silent because I was trying
to learn the lay of the land.
Also, because I was the onlyBlack person on a team of about
nine or 10 people, maybe 12.
I wasn't the only person ofcolor.
We had two Asian women.
One was Chinese American.
(10:13):
The other was Filipina American.
And we had one Hispanic male.
They were all young and collegedegreed, while I had dropped out
of college at that point.
And, yes, admittedly, I had abit of an inferiority complex.
Yet I was willing to learn andwork at assimilating into a
(10:34):
world and culture that wascompletely new to me at this
level, which was the high-techindustry.
As time went on, I built theseworking relationships and I
thought we were all on goodterms.
We ate lunch together, didteambuilding, talked about our
various interests outside ofwork, and other things.
At this point, I was still oneof the youngest on the team at
(10:57):
the ripe age of 23 and I waseager to learn so much and to
fit in.
So, I really didn't share myopinions unless I was asked.
I tried to emulate the behaviorsof the other young ladies on the
team because they definitelyseemed to know what they were
talking about and what they weredoing and that's why they got
(11:18):
promotions.
I have to be honest.
I was a lot more naive than Ithought I was.
That lesson would come hard andin a very painful way.
One day, I was in my cubeworking away.
I was in my own world and justdoing what I had to do.
(11:40):
I noticed, though, that it hadgotten a little bit silent
around my area.
There were probably 12 to 15 ofus in that particular area.
And it was comprised of a coupleof offices with doors, but
mostly cubes.
So for it to get a little quietwas unusual, but I didn't really
think much of it at the time.
(12:01):
It wouldn't be until after whathappens next would I notice that
some of my colleagues werehanging out in the offices of
other colleagues.
The HR director appeared at mycube and asked me to step into
his office just a few doorsdown.
His request didn't phase me inthe least, so I walked into his
(12:22):
office.
He invited me to sit at histable to have a quick little
powwow.
He did seem a tad bit nervous,yet was still very professional.
I haven't forgotten him becausehe was a very kind man.
His name was John and he easilystood well over six feet and he
was well over 200 pounds.
So he was a decent size andheight and build.
(12:43):
He was kind of a big guy to mesince at that time I was a lot
more petite.
He had gray hair and a stern,but kind, face.
As I'm sitting there all brighteyed and unaware, he begins to
tell me why he called me in.
He had gotten a report from somecolleagues of mine about reverse
(13:03):
discrimination.
I froze, confused.
I could feel myself starting toget flushed with embarrassment.
What does that even mean anyway,reverse discrimination?
He said that some of mycolleagues reported that I was
always talking about beingBlack.
I was absolutely stunned.
(13:27):
My gobs were smacked.
Once I gathered myself, I askedwho reported this and what
exactly was said.
Basically, two of my colleaguesreported that I often talked
about being black and it madethem uncomfortable.
There were some other fakeaccusations thrown in for good
(13:49):
measure that aren't even worthmentioning at this point, but I
will tell you they wereappropriately addressed.
It still shook me.
As hurt as I was that mycolleagues would say these
things, as pissed as I was to beaccused of racism when I was
fighting to survive in anenvironment fueled by privilege,
(14:09):
nepotism, and variousaggressions, I kept my cool and
used my voice probably for thefirst time ever in my life.
And I did it by simply askingquestions.
What am I supposed to say whenthey talk about using skincare
products that I can't usebecause we have different
(14:31):
skincare needs?
What am I supposed to say whenthey talk about using certain
shampoos that I can't usebecause I have a different hair
texture and haircare routine?
What am I supposed to say whenthey talk about their family
recipes and things theytraditionally eat and do when my
family eats something differentor prepares it differently or
(14:53):
has different traditions?
Then I laid it out there.
If what I said back to them inconversation is reverse racism,
then what is it when I know thatShannon is Scottish and Marianne
is Irish and loves Guinness?
How would I know more about themand their family traditions and
customs than they know aboutmine?
(15:15):
They are all Martha Stewarttypes, and I'm not.
They are all cut from the samecloth, and I am not.
So what am I supposed to say,and how am I supposed to take
it, when we come from differentworlds and have these
discussions?
Am I not supposed to talk aboutmine?
John's face turned red and I cantell that he got angry.
(15:40):
Not at me, but at them.
Maybe even a little at himselffor falling into this ridiculous
trap.
I was sad, confused, and hurt.
While I felt big in the momentspeaking up for myself, my mere
presence, my voice, and my spacewere suddenly diminished,
(16:02):
minimized in everyone's eyes,including my own.
There's no doubt in my mind thatmany of you have experienced
similar scenarios and situationsin some shape or form.
It may have happened throughoutyour life as it has with mine,
or it may have started once youstarted your career.
It could even come from ourrelationships with so-called
(16:25):
girlfriends or the people thatwe date.
A woman that has a voice andpresence that occupies spaces is
so frequently misunderstood thatit just simply exhausts us to
even try to fight it at times.
Still, we must.
And here's where the workbegins...with us.
(16:46):
Before diving in further, let'stake a little break for an ad.
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(17:07):
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Truly understanding ourselves isthe first step towards owning
everything that is rightfullyours.
We'll focus on four areas forself understanding in this
episode.
They are how we communicate, howwe receive information, our
(17:31):
value and worth, and how we showup.
But let me explain a littlesomething about communication
before we start.
When I'm doing a training oneffective communication, I often
ask my participants, What iscommunication?" Or I will ask
them how they would define it,most people would say it's the
act of transferring informationfrom one source, like a person,
(17:54):
a place, or group to anothersource.
In the barest sense, you need asender with a message that is
going to be sent to a listeningrecipient that equals
communication.
So what's the difference?
It's the difference betweenbeing heard and being listened
to.
Literally being heard has to dowith the auditory function of
(18:19):
hearing sounds.
Listening is when sounds or handmovements are distinguished,
understood, and turned intomeaningful language like words
or signed language.
Therefore, when communicationtakes place, you have someone
sending a message that is notonly heard, but listened to by
(18:41):
the recipient.
If the equation is that easy,then why is communication such a
challenge?
There are many complexities tocommunication.
There's one's upbringing, theircurrent environment, internal
issues such as physical andmental health, external issues
such as other people or outsidenoises.
(19:04):
There's cultural differences andnuances, the mode of
communication, whether it'sverbal, written, text, email,
emotions, and so much more.
All of these can hinder ourability to communicate and have
what we are trying tocommunicate received.
How we communicate is the firstpoint of understanding
(19:25):
ourselves.
I don't have time to go into thevarious communication styles and
the behaviors associated withthem.
So I'll simply sum it up bysaying that many of us don't
truly know our communicationstyles because we actually
communicate in three differentways that comprise our overall
style.
(19:45):
I'll go into those just briefly.
The first one is The Mask Thisis our public self, also known
as the"you" that others see.
We communicate in a way that wefeel meets the demands of our
environment or the way weperceive is the way others
expect us to behave andcommunicate.
(20:08):
For example, we may be in amale-dominated career
environment.
Depending on the influences inthe environment, we may feel
that we have to minimize ourvoice because they make us feel
it won't be listened to, or wemay feel we have to speak louder
or even yelling because we mayfeel we won't be heard.
(20:31):
The second way we communicate iscalled The Core When we are
under stress, our truecommunication style comes
through.
This is the person we genuinelyare at our core, our instinctive
reaction to situations andinformation.
For instance, I'm not usually avery detail oriented person.
(20:51):
Thank you, ADHD.
Yet, in a crisis mode, my usualjovial and welcoming style of
communication gets lowered someas I go into my analytical mode.
In that mode, I'm going to bepleasant while making sure I'm
noting details such as names.
My spatial awareness may beheightened, and I'm asking more
(21:14):
questions and taking more timeto process answers.
That would be who I am prettymuch at my core.
The third way we communicate iscalled The Mirror How you
perceive yourself could betotally different than these
other ways you're communicating.
This is your self perception asit relates to your communication
(21:34):
style.
You may not always be aware ofyour behavior when communicating
with others, but the mirrorreflects your typical approach.
Let's pretend that I've givenyou an assessment for your
communication and behaviorstyles.
When I'm reviewing it andanalyzing it, I can see your
core style as being moreself-focused while your mirror
(21:57):
style shows that you perceiveyourself to be more
team-oriented.
That tells me, as your analyst,that you may not be aware that
you center yourself in mostconversations while thinking
you're including everyone else.
All three of these come togetherto determine what our overall
(22:19):
communication style is and thebehaviors that go with it.
What does this all mean?
It means that the way wecommunicate and the behaviors
associated with our overallcommunication style impacts how
we use our voice, how we showup, meaning our presence, and
(22:40):
how we own space.
Now the question is, how do youget to know your communication
style?
Well, you have two options.
The first is to make the choiceto work with a trained and
certified behavioral analystlike me.
Yes, it's a shameless plug, buthear me out.
(23:00):
We would do an assessment.
I would analyze the results anddiscuss how your communication
style and its behaviors impactyour relationship with others.
I would then provide furtherspecific coaching on several
topics from how you caneffectively communicate with
others to how you can be a moreeffective leader to leveraging
(23:22):
your communication styles invarious environments.
Your other option is a bit morechallenging, but definitely
doable.
And it's one that will requirepracticing self awareness.
Pay attention to how youcommunicate with other people.
Are you always telling otherswhat to do?
Are you asking them like you'reasking permission?
(23:45):
Are you pointed and very direct?
Are you inclusive, perhaps toavoid confrontation?
Word choices, vocal tone, andinflections along with body
language and gestures are a fewother ways to start observing
your communication style.
It's challenging to say theleast.
(24:06):
By taking on the challenge,though, you'll discover more
about yourself than you everrealized.
Next up, understanding how wereceive information gives us
insight on how we processinformation.
Are you listening to respond orare you listening to understand?
(24:31):
Are you an active listener orare you one who does passive or
selective listening?
How do you react when you hearinformation that you don't agree
with or that may be hard tounderstand?
If you disagree, do you shutdown and stop listening?
Or do you prepare an argument inresponse?
If it's hard to understand, doyou quiet down and withdraw from
(24:56):
the conversation and listening?
Or do you ask a bunch ofquestions?
Our ability to receiveinformation impacts our
behavior, which is our abilityto communicate verbally, with
our body, and with our presence.
Now, let me ask you this.
Do you know your value?
(25:18):
I'm talking your value as aperson, your value as an
employee or entrepreneur, yourvalue as a significant other,
the value you bring to yourfamily, the value you bring to
any table.
When we are talking about peopleor even self esteem value and
worth are often usedinterchangeably.
(25:39):
And they can be at times, butthey're really not the same from
a psychological perspective insome cases.
In this sense, and for ourpurposes, we're going to define
value as our contributions,experience, strengths, and
abilities.
Worth would be best defined as aspecific amount received in
(26:03):
exchange for our value.
Interestingly, both canfluctuate in the eyes of the one
perceiving it.
When I speak of value, I'mtalking about your perception of
yourself that's not based uponanyone else's opinions,
influences, or assessments ofyou.
Your value is something only youcan determine for yourself.
(26:28):
Your worth, meaning the amountplaced on what you're bringing
to the table, is a literal andfigurative number that often
fluctuates because it's aboutperception.
Professionally, others'perception of your worth can
change because of economictrends, changes in technological
advancements, changes insocietal preference.
(26:51):
That means things like your jobor business, your salary and
bonuses can all be impacted;your skills could be viewed as
outdated or no longer valuable.
Your degrees get cheaper by thedozen.
You get what I'm saying?
When it comes to relationships,others may feel you are not
(27:11):
worthy of being loved, of beingtheir significant other or of
being a part of their socialclass.
In both cases, your worth canfluctuate in someone else's eyes
simply because they never saw,understood, or appreciated your
real or perceived value to beginwith.
(27:33):
And ultimately, because we oftenmust articulate our value and
negotiate our worth with others,we may be forced to minimize our
accomplishments, our knowledge,our skills and abilities our
love even and then we lower ourworth before someone else even
(27:54):
gets the chance.
When we lower our value, we arecosting us our worth.
The higher we place our value,then the more we will see what
we are really worth.
How we show up references, ourpresence and the space we
occupy.
We can literally occupy spaceand make our presence known with
(28:18):
our bodies physically occupyingspace, like standing in a room
or sitting in a chair at atable, but also with our body
size, how we carry ourselves,our energy, our verbal
communication, and our bodylanguage.
Many years ago, I had a friendof mine say to me once, Why do
(28:41):
you always walk into every roomlike you own it?" I had to laugh
because it wasn't until laterthat I fully understood,
appreciated, and owned the factthat I have a presence that can
command the attention of a roomor a small screen.
As to what degree I choose touse and exercise my presence is
(29:03):
certainly on me.
Harnessing that power is alearned skill that we'll talk
about in our next episode.
To get a better understanding ofhow you show up in spaces, ask
others if the energy shifts whenyou come into a room.
Does it shift according to theenergy that you're bringing?
(29:24):
For example, if you're upset,does everyone else in the room
get upset?
If you're happy, does everyoneelse's mood change and they get
happier?
Think about your physical size.
Are you tall, more petite?
Are you voluptuous?
Are you slim?
How do people react when theysee your physical size?
(29:48):
How do you carry yourself?
Do you walk as if your weight iscumbersome or a nuisance?
Do you have good posture andhold your head high with
confidence?
When you gesture, are theybarely noticeable?
Or are they non-stop and allover the place?
When you speak, do you speakconfidently and loud enough for
(30:10):
everyone to hear, or do you makeyour voice sound small and
minimize its power?
What is your body languageconveying to others?
Are you making yourself small byslouching down and trying to go
unnoticed, shrinking back?
Are you leaning forwardindicating that you're
interested in the speaker ortopic?
(30:31):
Finally, when you are in thesespaces, you should give
consideration as to who you areholding space for.
Are you holding space just foryourself?
Or are you holding space foryourself and for others?
And how are you doing it?
And if you're not doing it, whynot?
(30:52):
Our presence, showing up, andtaking up space combines the
many facets we talked about inthis episode.
Granted, there are other factorsto take into consideration such
as mental and physical health,neurodivergence, cultural
nuances, and countless others.
Nonetheless, when we think backto all the things we were told
(31:15):
as a child, in our careers, andvarious relationships, we owe it
to ourselves to do this selfevaluation.
It doesn't matter what tableyou're being invited to, what
table we are choosing to inviteourselves to, or what table we
decide to build and where.
The space isn't even a factor.
(31:38):
What matters is that we as womenhave a right to take up space
and to use space.
In our next episode we'lldiscuss how to do it effectively
and with confidence.
Thank you for taking a fewminutes out of your day to chat
(31:59):
with me.
If you want to continue theconversation, follow me on
social media.
I'm@ShaiBoston on Instagram,Threads, and Facebook.
I hope you have a good rest ofthe day and a restful night.
I'll see you next time for moreCoffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.
Coming up next on Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
Do you know your value?
Your value is something only youcan determine for yourself.
We as women have a right to takeup space and to use space.
Truly understanding ourselves isthe first step towards owning
(00:23):
everything that is rightfullyours.
Make sure you have a beverageand some time on your hands.
We're going to take our timewith this one...
Why do you talk so loud?
Talks excessively in class.
You're very verbose.
You always have something tosay.
(00:45):
You're so aggressive.
Stick to working with your handsbecause you'll never be able to
do anything better than that.
What are some of the phrases youheard as a woman that was
designed to shut down yourvoice, diminish your presence,
and make you feel like you weretaking up too much space?
(01:06):
In this episode, we're divinginto the struggles we face as
women when it comes to ourvoice, our presence, and owning
the spaces at work, in ourrelationships...
really in our existence, alongwith what we can do to start
moving from a sense or realplace of being minimized and
diminished to being seen andheard.
(01:29):
The next episode, we'll focus onsix things we can use to
overcome some of thesechallenges that have been
imposed upon us.
Make sure you have a beverageand some time on your hands.
We're going to take our timewith this one...
Hey Girl! Have you been lookingfor a safe space for women to
have authentic conversationsaround everything that impacts
(01:53):
our life, careers, andrelationships?
I'm Shai Boston, and on thisshow, I talk about all things
connected to our personal andprofessional development so we
can live our best and authenticlives.
Grab a drink.
Sit back, and let's have a chat.
It's time for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
(02:16):
Over the last day or so, I'vebeen mulling over some
conversations that I've had onLinkedIn.
As we sip on our beverages forme, today's choice is Cafe
Bustelo Decaf with someStarbucks Caramel Macchiato
non-dairy creamer.
I know that's a mouthful.
What are you going to be having?
So as we sip on our beverages,I'd like for you to listen to or
(02:40):
watch the following video byVinh Giang, which was at the
root of the conversations andthe basis for these episodes.
Hi Vinh, I work in a maledominated industry.
For all the women here, I wouldlike to ask what tips you can
provide us to help elevate andamplify our message and help us
(03:01):
get a voice within meetings.
Vihn Giang (03:03):
Thank you for the question.
I just want to acknowledge aswell that it is infinitely more
difficult for women than it isfor men.
We have a thicker line, whereaswomen you walk a thinner line.
It's more difficult, but it'spossible and it's all to do with
vocal and physical presence.
I'm going to ask you a questionand I'd like you to answer the
question for me so I can get asense.
(03:24):
What's your goal in this chapterof life?
Participant (03:26):
My goal ultimately is to be fit enough to hike
around Europe and just take offand live my best life.
I'm going to be active, I'mgoing to hike through Europe,
and I'm going to crush it.
Vihn (03:40):
Big round of applause, yes! Yes! What I'm training her
to do is, Increase vocalpresence dramatically.
And then the second thing I'mgetting her to do is, give me
more authority with her bodylanguage.
And then the third thing I'mgetting her to do, which a lot
of women are afraid to do, istake up the space.
Don't be afraid to take upspace.
Women, sometimes you have a trapin your mind, and you think, if
(04:02):
I do this, I'm being bitchy.
There is nothing bitchy aboutit.
That is empowering, that is younot dimming your light, so that
the people around you feel morecomfortable.
I don't take issue with whatVinh said and how he coached
this particular participant.
In fact, I've shared the sameinformation when coaching my own
(04:22):
clients or teaching speakersabout presenting.
My immediate thought afterseeing it, outside of the fact
that it was good information,was that things are more
complicated than that for women,more notedly for women of color
and, more pointedly, for Blackwomen.
It prompted me to take some timeto dive into this subject as one
(04:44):
who trains and coaches others oncommunication, presentation,
speaking, and leadership skills.
The intersectionality of beingblack, a woman, and
neurodivergent is the onlyperspective that I can approach
this whole topic.
Although that's the case, whatwe'll talk about during our
discussions over the next twoepisodes can apply to all women
(05:07):
in some way.
By the way, if you're notfamiliar with the term
"intersectionality," accordingto the Oxford Dictionary, it
means"the interconnected natureof social categorizations such
as race, class and genderregarded as creating overlapping
and interdependent systems ofdiscrimination or disadvantage."
(05:30):
In other words, different formsof discrimination and
disadvantages are linkedtogether, and we need to
understand these links to fullyunderstand the experiences of
marginalized people.
When we talk about women ourvoices, our presence, our owning
and taking up space it gets muchmore complex depending on
(05:51):
backgrounds involving race,socioeconomic status, cultural
nuances, and more.
The combination of thoseperspectives were taken into
account for our discussions thatwe're going to have.
And with that said, I'm going totake a sip and let's get into
(06:11):
it.
As a little girl, when I was inschool, it always struck fear
and panic into my heart wheneverI would get a report card or
weekly progress report with theinfamous words,"She talks
excessively in class." I wouldget taunted by the kids on the
playground with"You talk toomuch." There were two hip hop
(06:34):
songs that were very popularback then.
One was"Big Mouth" by HoudiniYou got a big mouth.
A big mouth.
You got a big mouth.
A big mouth.
A big mouth and"You Talk TooMuch" by Run DMC.
You talk too much.
You never shut up.
(06:55):
I said you talk too much.
Homeboy, you never shut up.
When the boys would DJ afterschool in our school's rec
center, they always played thosesongs while looking at me.
Even the girls got in on it andmade my life, a nightmare at
times for me.
There was always pain associatedwith those songs and words.
(07:19):
The reality of the situation isthat I did talk a lot.
If I talk too much, you see, I'mtrying desperately to be
understood.
That's Ms.
Jennifer Holliday singing,"I AmLove," and that opening line, If
I talk too much, you see, I'mtrying desperately to be
(07:44):
understood." That alwaysresonated with me because I
always felt I wasn't heard andunderstood, even as a child.
Since I wasn't a fighter and Iwas super sensitive(thank you,
trauma), I felt things deeplyand didn't know how to defend
myself.
Therefore I talked.
(08:04):
Little did I know that it wasalso due to having ADHD and not
being able to more succinctlyexpress myself, which is a
factor we'll talk more aboutlater.
Nonetheless, those words Talksexcessively in class" and"You
talk too much", they livedrent-free in my head for many
(08:25):
years.
Whether such things were spokento us at school or something
similar was said in our homes,almost every woman I know still
has voices in her head from whenshe was a little girl that tells
her the same things.
Do you?
Those words, and sometimes thevenom behind them, sticks with
(08:48):
us leaving an indelible markthat can foster or feed limiting
beliefs.
It wasn't until later in life,when I finally recognized I had
a voice and I learned how to useit, did I realize that those
words were often used to try andmake me smaller, telling me that
(09:09):
I was filling up space, that Ididn't need to be heard, that my
presence was more than theycould handle.
What about you?
Did you experience somethingsimilar as a child?
At school?
Within your family?
At work?
Fast forward to my young adultyears and I was trying to build
(09:30):
a career in the corporate world.
I worked in Silicon Valley atone of the largest computing
companies at the time, and Iworked in university
recruitment.
So we were always on the phoneswith schools and students.
We were in marketing strategymeetings, meetings to discuss
how to train hiring managers onrecruiting, discussions about
upcoming recruiting events andso much more.
(09:53):
And in most of those meetings, Iwas silent because I was trying
to learn the lay of the land.
Also, because I was the onlyBlack person on a team of about
nine or 10 people, maybe 12.
I wasn't the only person ofcolor.
We had two Asian women.
One was Chinese American.
(10:13):
The other was Filipina American.
And we had one Hispanic male.
They were all young and collegedegreed, while I had dropped out
of college at that point.
And, yes, admittedly, I had abit of an inferiority complex.
Yet I was willing to learn andwork at assimilating into a
(10:34):
world and culture that wascompletely new to me at this
level, which was the high-techindustry.
As time went on, I built theseworking relationships and I
thought we were all on goodterms.
We ate lunch together, didteambuilding, talked about our
various interests outside ofwork, and other things.
At this point, I was still oneof the youngest on the team at
(10:57):
the ripe age of 23 and I waseager to learn so much and to
fit in.
So, I really didn't share myopinions unless I was asked.
I tried to emulate the behaviorsof the other young ladies on the
team because they definitelyseemed to know what they were
talking about and what they weredoing and that's why they got
(11:18):
promotions.
I have to be honest.
I was a lot more naive than Ithought I was.
That lesson would come hard andin a very painful way.
One day, I was in my cubeworking away.
I was in my own world and justdoing what I had to do.
(11:40):
I noticed, though, that it hadgotten a little bit silent
around my area.
There were probably 12 to 15 ofus in that particular area.
And it was comprised of a coupleof offices with doors, but
mostly cubes.
So for it to get a little quietwas unusual, but I didn't really
think much of it at the time.
(12:01):
It wouldn't be until after whathappens next would I notice that
some of my colleagues werehanging out in the offices of
other colleagues.
The HR director appeared at mycube and asked me to step into
his office just a few doorsdown.
His request didn't phase me inthe least, so I walked into his
(12:22):
office.
He invited me to sit at histable to have a quick little
powwow.
He did seem a tad bit nervous,yet was still very professional.
I haven't forgotten him becausehe was a very kind man.
His name was John and he easilystood well over six feet and he
was well over 200 pounds.
So he was a decent size andheight and build.
(12:43):
He was kind of a big guy to mesince at that time I was a lot
more petite.
He had gray hair and a stern,but kind, face.
As I'm sitting there all brighteyed and unaware, he begins to
tell me why he called me in.
He had gotten a report from somecolleagues of mine about reverse
(13:03):
discrimination.
I froze, confused.
I could feel myself starting toget flushed with embarrassment.
What does that even mean anyway,reverse discrimination?
He said that some of mycolleagues reported that I was
always talking about beingBlack.
I was absolutely stunned.
(13:27):
My gobs were smacked.
Once I gathered myself, I askedwho reported this and what
exactly was said.
Basically, two of my colleaguesreported that I often talked
about being black and it madethem uncomfortable.
There were some other fakeaccusations thrown in for good
(13:49):
measure that aren't even worthmentioning at this point, but I
will tell you they wereappropriately addressed.
It still shook me.
As hurt as I was that mycolleagues would say these
things, as pissed as I was to beaccused of racism when I was
fighting to survive in anenvironment fueled by privilege,
(14:09):
nepotism, and variousaggressions, I kept my cool and
used my voice probably for thefirst time ever in my life.
And I did it by simply askingquestions.
What am I supposed to say whenthey talk about using skincare
products that I can't usebecause we have different
(14:31):
skincare needs?
What am I supposed to say whenthey talk about using certain
shampoos that I can't usebecause I have a different hair
texture and haircare routine?
What am I supposed to say whenthey talk about their family
recipes and things theytraditionally eat and do when my
family eats something differentor prepares it differently or
(14:53):
has different traditions?
Then I laid it out there.
If what I said back to them inconversation is reverse racism,
then what is it when I know thatShannon is Scottish and Marianne
is Irish and loves Guinness?
How would I know more about themand their family traditions and
customs than they know aboutmine?
(15:15):
They are all Martha Stewarttypes, and I'm not.
They are all cut from the samecloth, and I am not.
So what am I supposed to say,and how am I supposed to take
it, when we come from differentworlds and have these
discussions?
Am I not supposed to talk aboutmine?
John's face turned red and I cantell that he got angry.
(15:40):
Not at me, but at them.
Maybe even a little at himselffor falling into this ridiculous
trap.
I was sad, confused, and hurt.
While I felt big in the momentspeaking up for myself, my mere
presence, my voice, and my spacewere suddenly diminished,
(16:02):
minimized in everyone's eyes,including my own.
There's no doubt in my mind thatmany of you have experienced
similar scenarios and situationsin some shape or form.
It may have happened throughoutyour life as it has with mine,
or it may have started once youstarted your career.
It could even come from ourrelationships with so-called
(16:25):
girlfriends or the people thatwe date.
A woman that has a voice andpresence that occupies spaces is
so frequently misunderstood thatit just simply exhausts us to
even try to fight it at times.
Still, we must.
And here's where the workbegins...with us.
(16:46):
Before diving in further, let'stake a little break for an ad.
Ready to level up your life?
Let's unlock your full potentialtogether.
As your expert coach andstrategist, I'll guide you to
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(17:07):
Don't miss this incredibleopportunity.
Click the link to learn more andstart your journey.
Truly understanding ourselves isthe first step towards owning
everything that is rightfullyours.
We'll focus on four areas forself understanding in this
episode.
They are how we communicate, howwe receive information, our
(17:31):
value and worth, and how we showup.
But let me explain a littlesomething about communication
before we start.
When I'm doing a training oneffective communication, I often
ask my participants, What iscommunication?" Or I will ask
them how they would define it,most people would say it's the
act of transferring informationfrom one source, like a person,
(17:54):
a place, or group to anothersource.
In the barest sense, you need asender with a message that is
going to be sent to a listeningrecipient that equals
communication.
So what's the difference?
It's the difference betweenbeing heard and being listened
to.
Literally being heard has to dowith the auditory function of
(18:19):
hearing sounds.
Listening is when sounds or handmovements are distinguished,
understood, and turned intomeaningful language like words
or signed language.
Therefore, when communicationtakes place, you have someone
sending a message that is notonly heard, but listened to by
(18:41):
the recipient.
If the equation is that easy,then why is communication such a
challenge?
There are many complexities tocommunication.
There's one's upbringing, theircurrent environment, internal
issues such as physical andmental health, external issues
such as other people or outsidenoises.
(19:04):
There's cultural differences andnuances, the mode of
communication, whether it'sverbal, written, text, email,
emotions, and so much more.
All of these can hinder ourability to communicate and have
what we are trying tocommunicate received.
How we communicate is the firstpoint of understanding
(19:25):
ourselves.
I don't have time to go into thevarious communication styles and
the behaviors associated withthem.
So I'll simply sum it up bysaying that many of us don't
truly know our communicationstyles because we actually
communicate in three differentways that comprise our overall
style.
(19:45):
I'll go into those just briefly.
The first one is The Mask Thisis our public self, also known
as the"you" that others see.
We communicate in a way that wefeel meets the demands of our
environment or the way weperceive is the way others
expect us to behave andcommunicate.
(20:08):
For example, we may be in amale-dominated career
environment.
Depending on the influences inthe environment, we may feel
that we have to minimize ourvoice because they make us feel
it won't be listened to, or wemay feel we have to speak louder
or even yelling because we mayfeel we won't be heard.
(20:31):
The second way we communicate iscalled The Core When we are
under stress, our truecommunication style comes
through.
This is the person we genuinelyare at our core, our instinctive
reaction to situations andinformation.
For instance, I'm not usually avery detail oriented person.
(20:51):
Thank you, ADHD.
Yet, in a crisis mode, my usualjovial and welcoming style of
communication gets lowered someas I go into my analytical mode.
In that mode, I'm going to bepleasant while making sure I'm
noting details such as names.
My spatial awareness may beheightened, and I'm asking more
(21:14):
questions and taking more timeto process answers.
That would be who I am prettymuch at my core.
The third way we communicate iscalled The Mirror How you
perceive yourself could betotally different than these
other ways you're communicating.
This is your self perception asit relates to your communication
(21:34):
style.
You may not always be aware ofyour behavior when communicating
with others, but the mirrorreflects your typical approach.
Let's pretend that I've givenyou an assessment for your
communication and behaviorstyles.
When I'm reviewing it andanalyzing it, I can see your
core style as being moreself-focused while your mirror
(21:57):
style shows that you perceiveyourself to be more
team-oriented.
That tells me, as your analyst,that you may not be aware that
you center yourself in mostconversations while thinking
you're including everyone else.
All three of these come togetherto determine what our overall
(22:19):
communication style is and thebehaviors that go with it.
What does this all mean?
It means that the way wecommunicate and the behaviors
associated with our overallcommunication style impacts how
we use our voice, how we showup, meaning our presence, and
(22:40):
how we own space.
Now the question is, how do youget to know your communication
style?
Well, you have two options.
The first is to make the choiceto work with a trained and
certified behavioral analystlike me.
Yes, it's a shameless plug, buthear me out.
(23:00):
We would do an assessment.
I would analyze the results anddiscuss how your communication
style and its behaviors impactyour relationship with others.
I would then provide furtherspecific coaching on several
topics from how you caneffectively communicate with
others to how you can be a moreeffective leader to leveraging
(23:22):
your communication styles invarious environments.
Your other option is a bit morechallenging, but definitely
doable.
And it's one that will requirepracticing self awareness.
Pay attention to how youcommunicate with other people.
Are you always telling otherswhat to do?
Are you asking them like you'reasking permission?
(23:45):
Are you pointed and very direct?
Are you inclusive, perhaps toavoid confrontation?
Word choices, vocal tone, andinflections along with body
language and gestures are a fewother ways to start observing
your communication style.
It's challenging to say theleast.
(24:06):
By taking on the challenge,though, you'll discover more
about yourself than you everrealized.
Next up, understanding how wereceive information gives us
insight on how we processinformation.
Are you listening to respond orare you listening to understand?
(24:31):
Are you an active listener orare you one who does passive or
selective listening?
How do you react when you hearinformation that you don't agree
with or that may be hard tounderstand?
If you disagree, do you shutdown and stop listening?
Or do you prepare an argument inresponse?
If it's hard to understand, doyou quiet down and withdraw from
(24:56):
the conversation and listening?
Or do you ask a bunch ofquestions?
Our ability to receiveinformation impacts our
behavior, which is our abilityto communicate verbally, with
our body, and with our presence.
Now, let me ask you this.
Do you know your value?
(25:18):
I'm talking your value as aperson, your value as an
employee or entrepreneur, yourvalue as a significant other,
the value you bring to yourfamily, the value you bring to
any table.
When we are talking about peopleor even self esteem value and
worth are often usedinterchangeably.
(25:39):
And they can be at times, butthey're really not the same from
a psychological perspective insome cases.
In this sense, and for ourpurposes, we're going to define
value as our contributions,experience, strengths, and
abilities.
Worth would be best defined as aspecific amount received in
(26:03):
exchange for our value.
Interestingly, both canfluctuate in the eyes of the one
perceiving it.
When I speak of value, I'mtalking about your perception of
yourself that's not based uponanyone else's opinions,
influences, or assessments ofyou.
Your value is something only youcan determine for yourself.
(26:28):
Your worth, meaning the amountplaced on what you're bringing
to the table, is a literal andfigurative number that often
fluctuates because it's aboutperception.
Professionally, others'perception of your worth can
change because of economictrends, changes in technological
advancements, changes insocietal preference.
(26:51):
That means things like your jobor business, your salary and
bonuses can all be impacted;your skills could be viewed as
outdated or no longer valuable.
Your degrees get cheaper by thedozen.
You get what I'm saying?
When it comes to relationships,others may feel you are not
(27:11):
worthy of being loved, of beingtheir significant other or of
being a part of their socialclass.
In both cases, your worth canfluctuate in someone else's eyes
simply because they never saw,understood, or appreciated your
real or perceived value to beginwith.
(27:33):
And ultimately, because we oftenmust articulate our value and
negotiate our worth with others,we may be forced to minimize our
accomplishments, our knowledge,our skills and abilities our
love even and then we lower ourworth before someone else even
(27:54):
gets the chance.
When we lower our value, we arecosting us our worth.
The higher we place our value,then the more we will see what
we are really worth.
How we show up references, ourpresence and the space we
occupy.
We can literally occupy spaceand make our presence known with
(28:18):
our bodies physically occupyingspace, like standing in a room
or sitting in a chair at atable, but also with our body
size, how we carry ourselves,our energy, our verbal
communication, and our bodylanguage.
Many years ago, I had a friendof mine say to me once, Why do
(28:41):
you always walk into every roomlike you own it?" I had to laugh
because it wasn't until laterthat I fully understood,
appreciated, and owned the factthat I have a presence that can
command the attention of a roomor a small screen.
As to what degree I choose touse and exercise my presence is
(29:03):
certainly on me.
Harnessing that power is alearned skill that we'll talk
about in our next episode.
To get a better understanding ofhow you show up in spaces, ask
others if the energy shifts whenyou come into a room.
Does it shift according to theenergy that you're bringing?
(29:24):
For example, if you're upset,does everyone else in the room
get upset?
If you're happy, does everyoneelse's mood change and they get
happier?
Think about your physical size.
Are you tall, more petite?
Are you voluptuous?
Are you slim?
How do people react when theysee your physical size?
(29:48):
How do you carry yourself?
Do you walk as if your weight iscumbersome or a nuisance?
Do you have good posture andhold your head high with
confidence?
When you gesture, are theybarely noticeable?
Or are they non-stop and allover the place?
When you speak, do you speakconfidently and loud enough for
(30:10):
everyone to hear, or do you makeyour voice sound small and
minimize its power?
What is your body languageconveying to others?
Are you making yourself small byslouching down and trying to go
unnoticed, shrinking back?
Are you leaning forwardindicating that you're
interested in the speaker ortopic?
(30:31):
Finally, when you are in thesespaces, you should give
consideration as to who you areholding space for.
Are you holding space just foryourself?
Or are you holding space foryourself and for others?
And how are you doing it?
And if you're not doing it, whynot?
(30:52):
Our presence, showing up, andtaking up space combines the
many facets we talked about inthis episode.
Granted, there are other factorsto take into consideration such
as mental and physical health,neurodivergence, cultural
nuances, and countless others.
Nonetheless, when we think backto all the things we were told
(31:15):
as a child, in our careers, andvarious relationships, we owe it
to ourselves to do this selfevaluation.
It doesn't matter what tableyou're being invited to, what
table we are choosing to inviteourselves to, or what table we
decide to build and where.
The space isn't even a factor.
(31:38):
What matters is that we as womenhave a right to take up space
and to use space.
In our next episode we'lldiscuss how to do it effectively
and with confidence.
Thank you for taking a fewminutes out of your day to chat
(31:59):
with me.
If you want to continue theconversation, follow me on
social media.
I'm@ShaiBoston on Instagram,Threads, and Facebook.
I hope you have a good rest ofthe day and a restful night.
I'll see you next time for moreCoffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.
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