December 17, 2024 • 44 mins
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SHOW DESCRIPTION
Picking up where Episode 9 left off, I delve into self-worth and managing perceptions in the workplace through personal experiences and insights. This episode focuses on the significance of voice, tone, body language, words, and presence in effectively communicating and asserting oneself. Through practical advice and personal anecdotes, we’ll talk about how to build confidence to use our voices, spaces, and presence more powerfully. The episode includes tips on practicing communication skills, choosing the right words, and using body language to command presence while maintaining authenticity.
TL;DR
This episode emphasizes tips on practicing communication skills, choosing the right words, and using body language to command presence while maintaining authenticity.
Time Stamps
00:00 Introduction and Setting the Stage
00:41 A Personal Story: Workplace Challenges
01:46 Welcome to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity
02:29 Managing Perceptions and Self-Worth
06:22 Understanding and Using Your Voice
16:00 The Power of Tone in Communication
18:07 Choosing the Right Words
26:25 Mastering Body Language
32:27 The Impact of Presence
43:35 Conclusion
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RESOURCES
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Mental Health Resources
Ph: 988
National Institute of Mental Health
Sexual Violence Resources
Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)
Substance Abuse Resources
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Credits
ChastainFanClub on YouTube – “The Help” Clip
Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
On our last episode of Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
Your worth can fluctuate insomeone else's eyes simply
because they never saw,understood, or appreciated your
real or perceived value to beginwith.
When we lower our value, we arecosting us our worth.
(00:22):
The higher we place our value,then the more we will see what
we are really worth.
We as women have a right to takeup space and to use space.
Make sure you have a beverageand some time on your hands.
We're going to take our timewith this one...
After a meeting discussing anupcoming live hiring event, my
(00:45):
department manager called me tothe side.
It wasn't lost on me that duringthe meeting, I shared quite a
bit of insight with the team onquestions they can ask legally,
how to handle those that we knewwe wouldn't hire that came
perhaps inappropriately dressedor something else.
For instance, it was a callcenter, but we had guys show up
(01:08):
in Laker jerseys, shorts, andJordans.
Like...really??
Anyway, the team appreciated theinformation shared because many
of them had not been taughtproperly about interview
techniques.
The meeting breaks and I'mwalking out into the hallway to
finish up some work before thatevening's event.
(01:28):
And that's when the departmentmanager called me aside in the
hallway.
The words that flowed from theirmouth to my ears and mind
surprised, confused, andsometimes stymied me for years
to come.
I'm so happy you're here.
My name is Shai Boston, and it'sa privilege to welcome you to
Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity: Real Women, Real Talk. (01:51):
undefined
It's a safe space created forwomen like us who want to have
authentic conversation aroundeverything that impacts our
life, careers, andrelationships.
Go ahead, grab your favoritebeverage and get comfy.
(02:13):
Now, let's have a chat.
So we're on part two of ourepisode and I'm still drinking
my Cafe Bustelo.
I'm going to take my sip asusual.
And now let's get into it.
As I stood there, I heard thewords that would move in through
(02:34):
my ears to find a home on mybrain.
I needed to"manage otherpeople's perceptions of me." To
this day, I want to believe thatthe man that delivered that
message to me was very wellintentioned.
That doesn't change the factthat when I heard those words,
it made me think,"What am Idoing wrong now?
(02:58):
Let me guess.
I don't fit in with the team,again.
I'm too loud, again.
I was taking over theconversation, again." My
thoughts were all rooted inprevious experiences where I was
called too assertive forspeaking up and articulating my
(03:18):
opinions.
I was called too aggressive if Ispoke up loud enough to be heard
by others or requested statusupdates on project tasks only
days or sometimes hours beforethey were due because I hadn't
heard from anyone.
If I laughed a little louderthan others during a
conversation, I wasunprofessional and too
(03:38):
boisterous.
I was called rude andunprofessional because I would
speak up and share my ideas oropinions while we were all
brainstorming.
Even though others would talkover each other during these
sessions, I was the one calledout for that same behavior.
If I spoke up in a meeting, nomatter how diplomatic and
(04:00):
tactful I was in my words andtone, I was called intimidating,
angry, or dominating.
When I was silent in a meeting,I was told I wasn't actively
participating.
Those were all other peoples'perceptions of me.
Rightly or wrongly.
I'll readily admit that I stillhad some polishing that needed
(04:22):
to be done, and I still do.
We all do.
The main thing I learned wasthat I can't always manage
others' perceptions of mebecause I can't please everyone,
nor can I act the way they feelI should.
In fact, the only thing I cancontrol is me.
I just couldn't figure out howto show up as me, to be seen and
(04:48):
to be heard, so that otherscould see what I brought to the
table.
No, I take that back.
Most saw what I brought to thetable.
They didn't like the package itwas brought in.
A smart, confident Black woman.
As women in general, ourintellect gets challenged,
(05:11):
especially in male-dominatedspaces on a regular basis.
If you're a woman of color, itadds a whole other layer of
having our intellect and verypresence challenged.
In our last episode, Episode 9,we talked about and did some
self-examination around how wecommunicate, how we receive
(05:33):
information, knowing our value,and how we show up.
Basically, we learned that wehave a right to be in spaces and
to take up space.
We have a right to own and useour voices, and we have a right
to use our presence physicallyand figuratively in a way that
(05:54):
we choose.
Now that we've considered thosethings, it's time to move
forward in breaking this down toanother level when it comes to
our voice, our words, our bodylanguage, our tone, our
presence, and our space.
Yes, these are the six thingsthat we can use to overcome the
challenges often imposed upon usby other peoples' perceptions,
(06:18):
and sometimes our own.
You can do it confidently.
A good place to start is byacknowledging that we have
workplace trauma.
We have life experiences,personal challenges, and other
factors that can prevent us fromusing and owning our voices, our
spaces, and presence in the waysthat we'd like.
(06:41):
Sometimes, we may not realize weare using them as weapons
against those around us.
Our walls of defense may go up.
Our vocal tones may come acrossas charging forward with an
attack or retreating out of fearrather than being open to
(07:04):
discussion.
Our body language can be tellingothers we have established
strict boundaries that willnever be able to be broken
through.
We may not trust others, so wewill minimize or not readily
share information, tasks onprojects, or listen to their
opinions.
(07:24):
Sometimes, that's calledgatekeeping.
Before entering any space andsitting at the table, we have to
own our own crap.
I mean, honestly, starting fromthat place will help you move
forward.
Not acknowledging your owntraumas and personal challenges
(07:44):
will prevent you from beingsuccessful and hold you back
from moving forward.
Alright so how do we moveforward?
Use your voice.
How many of you like the soundof your voice?
If you're like me, most of usdon't when we hear it recorded
(08:04):
and played back, it just soundsweird to us.
Knowing how our physical voicesounds to others helps us to
better understand how to use it.
My recommendation is that yourecord your voice and listen to
it and get used to it.
Ask others what words describethe sound of your voice and its
(08:27):
pitch.
Is it high pitched?
Nasally?
Monotone?
Bueller?
Is it soft?
Speakers record and listen tothemselves because varying their
volume and pitch can keep theiraudiences engaged.
In meetings, it helps to draw orrepel attention from your
(08:51):
message.
You may use your physical voicein this way to be heard and
listened to.
I once had a director who helpedme to appreciate the importance
of my voice in meetings,especially when training.
We were going to be tag teaminga training together over several
days, and she acknowledged thather voice was more nasally and
(09:12):
high pitched.
In fact, she said to me,"I knowmy voice annoys people." And she
laughed and of course I laughedbecause honestly it was kind of
true that after a while It wasone of those voices that kind of
grated on your senses.
Helping me to appreciate myphysical voice, she said,"Your
voice is warmer in tone andpitch," which we'll talk about
(09:36):
tone in a little bit.
And she continued by saying,"Sowe will be able to compliment
each other during the training."When we trained, we were able to
offset each other nicely andkeep our participants engaged.
If you're going to be presentingin a meeting, record yourself
practicing your delivery.
(09:58):
This will give you an idea ofhow you physically sound.
You can then tweak your vocalsaccordingly.
Now, I don't mean changing yourvoice.
I mean adjusting it at keypoints for impact and
maintaining the attention ofyour audience.
Practicing in this way will helpyou to get more comfortable with
(10:19):
your voice and when you'respeaking with others.
You will not be hung up on howyou sound.
In fact, you'll start to adjustyour pitch based on the given
situation.
You'll be able to focus on yourmessage or the conversation
better.
Using your voice also meansspeaking up in meetings and
(10:40):
other conversations where youhave something to contribute.
Speaking up on issues that mayimpact you, your family, or
community, that's another way ofusing your voice.
Inspiring and motivating othersis a way to use your voice as
well.
In fact, the most powerful wayyou can use your voice is in
(11:01):
empowering yourself and othersthrough communication, actions,
and expressing yourself.
Now expressing yourself can comein a number of ways.
It could be physically speakingup, it could be activism,
creating art through poetry,music, photography, or any other
(11:22):
means.
Start by recognizing that youhave a voice and you do have
something to say or contribute.
Whether you're talking at homeor at work, you have a voice.
You just have to empoweryourself to use that voice.
(11:42):
That can be especiallychallenging in male-dominated
environments and anywhere elseyou feel that your voice would
be silenced, not welcomed orrespected.
So here are a few tips to getyou there.
You can express your thoughts ina journal.
Organizing your thoughts in thismanner will help you get the raw
(12:04):
emotions out and then you canwork on putting your words into
more palatable sentences.
Anytime we speak from a place ofemotion, we generally set our
audience up to back off oflistening to what we have to
say.
So we can be passionate aboutwhat we want to say, but we want
(12:25):
to remove the raw emotions andmake sure that our words, our
message, comes across the waythat we want.
Practice what you want to say.
You're going to hear me saypractice a lot throughout this
episode because it's soimportant to build confidence
and to build capability andskills.
As I mentioned before, recordingyourself helps, and even
(12:46):
practicing in front of othersthat will give you honest
feedback will prove beneficial.
This way you can get anunderstanding of how your
message is coming across and, aswe'll talk about later, are you
using the right word choices?
So practice what you want tosay.
Look for opportunities to leadshort meetings, give a
presentation or oversee smallprojects where you'll be
(13:09):
speaking more in front ofothers.
Leading others requireseffective communication, and
this will make it morecomfortable for you to use your
literal and figurative voice.
Learning effective communicationtechniques and practicing active
listening will help you to speakand use your voice.
(13:31):
Anytime you speak, make sure itis clear and articulate.
This will be very important forthose in situations that feel
their voice goes unheard.
Using your volume, pitch, andarticulating your speech sets
the tone for being listened to.
The other things that we'lldiscuss shortly will help as
(13:54):
well.
And finally, if your expertiseis challenged, remember your
value and worth.
Then use"I" statements while youkeep your voice at the right
volume and pitch.
I have reviewed the documents onpage 10 and you'll note
Regulatory Act..." You can stillexpress your expertise and you
(14:15):
can do it in a way that willallow you to be heard because
you're using"I" statements,putting in your expertise, and
sharing what you have to say.
So how do you continue going onusing all these different tips
and building confidence when itcomes to your voice?
It all starts by believing inyour knowledge and expertise.
(14:37):
Period.
You know how much time andeffort you put into your
education, developing yourskillsets, practicing your
craft.
So don't minimize that foranyone.
If you are having impostersyndrome or self doubt, then
repeat the following affirmationto yourself: I am capable,
(14:59):
confident, and worthy.
My voice matters and mycontributions are valuable."
Again,"I am capable, confident,and worthy.
My voice matters and mycontributions are valuable."
Having faith in yourself willallow you to speak up, even if
(15:23):
you're scared and unsure of howyou'll be received, and that
works for any situation, anyrelationship.
When you're at least confidentin what you bring to the table,
you can always speak confidentlyfrom that perspective.
That means nobody can challengeyour knowledge, expertise, or
(15:46):
experience and think they'regoing to"win." You know what,
you know, so stand on business,Boo.
Speaking up also involves otheraspects that we're going to
cover.
So let's move along to the nextone, which is tone.
Tone is how the emotion of whatyou're saying is conveyed.
(16:10):
It provides nuance and textureto what you're saying.
Tone conveys your feelings.
You can come across assarcastic, joyful, angry,
confused.
You get the idea.
Your tone impacts and canenforce the validity of your
(16:31):
statements.
In fact, it can even reinforcethe validity of your statements.
If you're nervous in deliveringyour message, it will come
across like you're unsure aboutwhat you're saying, if you're
sarcastic, people won't know ifthey should take you seriously.
If you are forceful in asituation that does not require
(16:53):
it, people would take that asbeing demanding.
Build your strength in this areaby practicing tone changes when
you speak.
Add in exercising confidence inwhat you say.
Practice helps you overcome yournerves and emotions.
It helps you to focus on whatyou have to say and not the
(17:15):
feelings around what you have tosay, unless you are trying to
convey certain feelings.
Even then, make sure it'sappropriate to use the tone
you're selecting in thesituation that you're going to
use it.
For example, you may befrustrated with a corporate
policy.
You can either convey thatfrustration in your tone or you
(17:39):
can keep your emotions about thepolicy out of the conversation
and state nothing but facts asto why the policy is just not
benefiting other workers.
We'll talk about word choicesshortly.
There's a time to use your toneto emphasize points by conveying
emotions and there's a time tohave restraint.
(17:59):
The environment or situationyou're in all dictates how
you'll proceed when using yourtone.
Next, use your words.
We may not always be cognizantof our words or the impact that
they have, but words do haveimpact.
(18:19):
They can build up, break down,and leave lasting impressions.
Selecting the right words caneither get people to listen to
you while the wrong ones can getthem to close their ears.
I remember several years back, Iwas doing a training event over
the weekend.
There was a student who cameabout halfway through, I want to
(18:42):
say was the first day of thetraining.
Nonetheless, he missed asignificant amount of
information on the topic that Iwas covering when he came in
that afternoon.
At one point, he took issue withsomething that I said and
interrupted the class with hisstatement.
And, I can't remember the exactwords, but he said something
(19:05):
like,"That's not correct." I'mused to being challenged when I
do trainings.
Sometimes people have been toother courses and had other
trainers where they learnedsomething similar or possibly
different in theory or practicethan what I'm training.
So I wasn't taken aback when hesaid the information wasn't
correct.
(19:25):
I just simply said,"Excuse me?"And he said,"That's not
correct." Then he proceeds totry and correct what I said.
Again, I'm used to that andthere's certain ways to handle
it.
But it was how he said it andhow he was doing it and we're in
a room of, like, 200 people,which I'm used to training in as
well, but I sat there and theway he kept going and I, I was
(19:49):
like, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I was heated.
I was.
Let me take a sip of my coffee.
So my emotions got in the way.
And my thought went,"How do youcome to this training event
halfway through the day and thentell the trainer(who was also
the person who thoroughlyresearched and wrote the
(20:11):
curriculum because that's what Ido.
That's what I'm certified todo.) And you're going to tell me
that I was wrong?" At first, Istayed professional for about a
minute.
I gently tried to correct themisunderstanding and explain the
train of thought that I washaving, and he still insisted
that I was wrong.
(20:31):
I allowed that back and forthfor about a minute or so before
I had enough.
You missed part of the morningwhere I covered this in depth
already.
I know what I'm talking about.
Let me educate you." Yeah, assoon as the words left my mouth,
(20:52):
I knew I was going to hear aboutit on the survey from more than
one person.
More importantly, I knew I hadlost him and part of my class,
and I was not going to get themback.
While I said what I meant and Imeant what I said, I could have
used a better word choice inthat situation.
(21:15):
I needlessly andunprofessionally embarrassed him
and myself.
Poor word choice, just like poordelivery, can cause you to lose
any ounce of credibility andtrust you may have built up with
the ones that you're speakingwith.
If you don't have those, or feltyou didn't to begin with, then
(21:37):
you know for sure you won't now.
When selecting your words, thinkof how to convey what you want
to say in the way your recipientwill receive them.
Some people prefer that you bemore concise while others may
want the details.
That's where active listeningcomes into play.
(21:59):
Whenever possible, observe andlisten to the people you are
speaking to.
That way you'll know how toconvey what you want to say.
If they ask a question, listento understand and not to reply.
Once you hear the question, youcan use your words to clarify
what you've heard, what theirquestion was, or to respond
(22:23):
accordingly.
Once you hear the questionthey're asking, and how they are
asking it, that will also helpyou to better understand what
word choices you can use thatwill appeal to them and get them
to listen.
Sometimes, though, we just don'thave the words and when that
(22:43):
happens you can say somethinglike, I'm not sure of any other
way to say this except how it'sin my head." That's a technique
I especially use with my husbandto help diffuse a situation when
there's something that I reallywant to say, but I'm not sure
how to say it in a way that hecan receive it.
(23:04):
And he does the same thing withme.
It also works in mostconversations within the
workplace as well as elsewhere.
Now, how do you build confidencein your word choices?
When you are able, practice whatyou're going to say.
Try saying it in different ways,even accentuating different
(23:24):
words in a sentence.
Try saying it in different ways,even accentuating different
words in a sentence.
Try saying it in a differentway, even accentuating different
words in a sentence.
This is how actors figure outthe best way to convey the
(23:47):
meaning or intent behind asentence or thought that they
now have to convey to theiraudience.
You can also broaden yourvocabulary.
Use a thesaurus when writingemails or other documents to
find different words that canconvey your thought better.
Read or listen to books.
(24:09):
Hearing how others use languagecan influence us and help us to
better express ourselves.
We'll pick up new phrases, newwords, we'll get a better
understanding of how one wordcan mean different things
depending on the context.
Practice conveying your thoughtsin more succinct ways.
People who are Neurodivergent,like myself, can get a little
(24:34):
wordy sometimes.
Therefore, we work at expressingand explaining ourselves in the
least number of words wheneverpossible.
That's why sometimes we have topractice what we want to say, or
it takes us longer to write anemail or a message, because
we're constantly reviewing ourwords and how much we have to
(24:55):
say.
On the other hand, there arealso those of us that are
Neurodivergent who use speechthat is much shorter, clipped,
and to the point.
So they would want to focus onusing more words so as not to
come across as rude and abrupt.
Take a course in communicationor join an organization that
(25:18):
teaches how to speakeffectively.
Toastmasters is great for this.
For anyone that's nervous aboutlearning how to speak in public,
wanting to improve theirspeaking abilities or wanting to
learn how to use their speech tocommunicate.
Toastmasters is great.
Now from time-to-time, I alsoconduct mastermind groups around
(25:41):
effective communication.
These will help you to betterunderstand how you speak and use
words to convey your thoughtsand messages, as well as the
behaviors around the way youcommunicate.
Ultimately, the best way tostart using your words is to to
start speaking them.
Remember when I said you havesomething to say and to
(26:05):
contribute?
Well that means you gotta startsharing what you want to say and
start contributing toconversations where your voice,
your words, matter.
You will develop comfort inspeaking and eventually
adjusting your words to matchany given situation.
(26:25):
Next up is body language.
Before we do that, let's take aquick ad break and have a quick
sip.
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Let's unlock your full potentialtogether.
As your expert coach andstrategist, I'll guide you to
achieve your goals.
For a limited time, name yourprice on my coaching and
(26:48):
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Don't miss this incredibleopportunity.
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Speaking without words is thebest way to define body
language.
It silently conveys what you'rereally thinking and wanting to
say.
It could be showing interestbecause you start leaning into a
(27:12):
conversation.
It could be boredom becauseyou're staring into space.
It could be conveyingdistraction because you're
fidgeting, twirling your hair,flicking a pen or a pencil.
Basically, you're listeningwithout giving a verbal reply.
That's body language.
(27:33):
Calls to mind a situation thathappened to me several years
back.
I had a manager once ask me if Iwas flirting with him.
After I looked at this man likehe had three heads, I said,
Excuse me?
Am I what now?" He repeated hisquestion.
I looked at him and said,"I am ahappily married woman.
(27:57):
What makes you think I amflirting with you?" He said,
Well, you often adjust your brastrap.
I just wanted you to know thatI'm married and I'm not
interested like that."Gurrrhlll! Hold on, let me take
a sip on that one...
cuz, uh.
I literally sat there and Ilooked at him.
(28:17):
I was like, I know this...I knowthat he didn't just sit up here
and say that I was flirting withhim because I adjusted my bra
strap?
I didn't adjust my bra strap.
You know how your bra just bedigging into your side and you
just reach up and gently tug itdown and out the way.
(28:37):
If you're watching me onYouTube, you see me doing that.
Yeah...
that's what I did...
and this fool thought that wasflirting.
Anyway, after setting himstraight, I thought about my
actions.
What was I doing that gave himthat impression?
Now, mind you, I know I didn'tdo anything wrong.
(29:01):
But he read my normal,absent-minded behavior as
something else.
That's an extreme example, andfrankly, that's all on him.
Nonetheless, it serves my pointthat sometimes things we do
normally can be read as part ofour body language and convey a
message we're not trying toconvey.
(29:22):
For those of us who areNeurodivergent, we may stare off
into space while listening tosomeone speak.
It doesn't mean we're notlistening or that we're
distracted.
We may or may not have tuned outfor a second.
However, it comes across asinattentive, disrespectful, and
rude to those that we're talkingto.
(29:42):
That's why we tried hard to becognizant and aware of what
we're doing and why we're doingit.
Making eye contact is a goodbody language signal of
attentiveness.
Some of us may find it hard tomake eye contact for several
reasons (30:00):
like trauma response, Neurodivergence, shyness,
anxiety, we can't focus oureyes, and that's just to name a
few.
I know I personally suffer fromsome of those.
If you find making eye contactjust as challenging as I do at
times, then look at the personin between their eyebrows or go
slightly above and look at themiddle of their forehead.
(30:22):
But don't look all the way uptheir forehead.
Just slightly above their browline.
That way it looks like you'relooking at them and giving eye
contact when you're not doing itdirectly.
When you're in meetings, havinggood posture by sitting up
straight conveys attentiveness.
When you're standing, stand withyour shoulders back and your
(30:43):
head held up when you areconversing with others.
To help minimize the impacts ofanxiety creeping in before a
meeting, an importantconversation, or being in a
group or crowd, prepareyourself.
Take slow, deep breaths in andout to relax yourself and your
(31:04):
body.
Calmly do it slowly in and outyour nose as you relax yourself.
Those are called cleansingbreaths and they really do work
and help.
How do we build confidence sothat we can manage our body
language?
You can never go wrong byholding your head and chin up
(31:25):
and having good posture.
That always conveysattentiveness and confidence
even when you feel otherwise onthe inside.
Sometimes we don't know what todo with our hands when sitting
during a meeting or when havinga conversation.
If your hands are free, you candisplay confidence, and build
(31:46):
yours, by folding your hands andplacing them on the table or
desk in front of you.
You can put them in the steepleformation, which is basically
almost like your palms arefacing each other, but your
fingertips are touching, justlike you're seeing on the screen
if you're watching this onYouTube.
The steeple formation, with yourelbows on your chair, is another
(32:10):
great way to show attentivenessas well as to show confidence.
Whatever you do, try to avoidcrossing your arms as this can
send the message that you'reclosed off and not listening,
even though that may notactually be the case.
Our body language is often tiedinto our next area of
(32:31):
discussion, which is ourpresence.
Years ago, I had the wonderfulprivilege of attending an event
hosted by Spike Lee.
It was him and 1500 of his"closest friends", celebrating
the anniversary of his firstfilm,"She's Gotta Have It," I
(32:52):
believe, as well as hisproduction company.
As a sidebar, I'll put a link tothe Getty Images in the show
notes for you to see some of thehighlights from the event.
And, if you're watching this onYouTube, you'll see that I'm
providing photographic receiptsof my attendance at this
particular event.
Cuz if you don't have receipts,did it really happen?
(33:15):
You're gonna see photos of mewith Dave Chappelle, Common, and
Star Jones.
So, if you compare the GettyImages and the outfits there to
the images with me at the eventwith these celebrities, you'll
see it's the same event.
Okay, there's my receipts.
Anyway, let me get back to thestory.
(33:36):
I can always talk about thatevent another time because there
were some interesting storiesthat came out of that event.
In fact, the picture that youwill have seen on the screen
with Star Jones and her thenhusband, Al Reynolds, was taken
moments after Star and herhusband were talking with Oprah.
(33:56):
Yes, girl, that Oprah! I'on'careif you like her or not.
Hunty, I was in the presence ofTHE Oprah Winfrey! Not once, but
twice.
And let me tell you, the"OprahEffect" is real.
Okay.
So let me tell you about myexperience with Oprah.
(34:18):
I promise I'm tying this allback to you and I.
As one of the escorts for thenight, Ms.
Jones was one of the celebritiesthat I escorted that evening.
When we got into the theater, Ineeded to locate the seats for
her and her husband.
While I was doing that, she wentto mix and mingle.
After locating her seats, I thenhad to go and find her.
(34:41):
Lord have mercy! When I tellyou, I looked up and I had to
just gather myself.
I just had to pull myselftogether.
Why was that woman standing withGayle King, some other
celebrities I don't evenremember right now, because the
next person I saw was THE OprahWinfrey.
(35:04):
I had to walk up.
So I walked up, I waited for abrief break or lull in the
conversation, and for them toturn and acknowledge me because
they don't know me from Adam,the theater's kind of dark, and
it's just a group of black womenstanding there talking.
So they kind of turned to lookat me thinking that I might have
been another celebrity.
I felt like one that night, I'lltell you that much.
(35:24):
I then said TO OPRAH"Excuse me,Ms.
Winfrey," and then I turned andI said,"Ms.
Jones, I have your seats foryou." She excused herself from
the group and I walked her toher husband and then to their
seats.
And that's where she invited meto sit with her for the
evening's entertainment.
And again, that story's foranother time, but let me get
(35:46):
back to Oprah.
So why did I fuss about her?
Because her presence is real,captivating, and powerful.
She can literally shift theenergy and attention in the
room.
But she wields that power withhumility and grace.
(36:07):
Later that night, right beforethat picture was taken, Ms.
Jones and Mr.
Reynolds, and Ms.
Winfrey were having aconversation.
Again, I stood in awe of herpresence.
I was off to the side a littlebit because I was escorting them
out of the venue.
I had been around celebritiesbefore and were around hundreds
of them that evening frombasketball players to comedians
(36:29):
to actors.
George Lucas was there.
So different directors.
I was around them and I wasn'tanywhere near as awestruck with
them as I was with Oprah.
Presence is the ability to useyour physical and psychological
dynamics to contribute to one'sdemeanor and influence.
(36:52):
If I'm being honest, it's reallyhard to explain presence.
So I'll simply say it's aperson's vibe.
It's their aura.
Like Oprah or Beyonce, theirvery presence physically and
their vibe automatically commandattention and can shift the vibe
(37:12):
of a room.
So let's bring it closer tohome.
Think about your friend circle,male or female.
Do you have one of those friendsthat's just a whole vibe?
A whole vibe.
What about a manager or seniorleader that can make a vibrant
office space feel like the airwas sucked out of it and it can
(37:36):
go silent when they walk intothe room, or they walk into the
cubicle space?
That is presence.
Presence impacts the people andspaces around them.
How do you build confidence inusing your presence which can
also impact the spaces andpeople around you?
(37:56):
It starts with your mindset.
Thinking that you areinsignificant, that your voice
and contributions don't matter,or feeling that you will never
be seen or heard will diminishyour value, your worth, and your
presence in your eyes and in theeyes of others.
(38:19):
Shift that thinking to knowingthat your voice and
contributions matter.
That you are going to do what ittakes to be seen and heard.
Raise your personal feelingsabout your value and worth, and
you'll start to raise yourpresence as well.
Embracing the thought that youwill be seen and heard is the
(38:43):
first step towards owning andusing your presence.
Add in your confident bodylanguage that we just talked
about (38:51):
having good posture, shoulders back, chin up, eye
contact, and you're going to bea force to be reckoned with.
Confident body language always,always, ALWAYS shifts the
perception of one's presence inthe eyes of others before it
(39:12):
literally shifts it all thetime.
Practice entering rooms andspaces at home with confidence.
Go out to eat or shop and walkwith confidence.
As you start to get a little bitmore comfortable, try it in
meetings, at conferences, andother events.
(39:32):
The more you do it, the easierit becomes.
Presence also involves youractive listening, emotional
intelligence, and communicationskills.
Standing confidently andactively listening to someone
helps them to feel seen andheard.
That instantly raises yourpresence quotient in their minds
(39:54):
and eyes.
It's something they canliterally feel.
When you apply everything elsewe talked about so far your
tone, your words and bodylanguage your presence, your
aura, your vibe, YOUR Opraheffect can be felt.
Avoid an arrogant presencethough.
(40:15):
We all know the types.
They step into a space and doall the things to draw
attention.
In fact, they demand it ratherthan command it.
You want to cultivate the typeof presence that when you walk
into a room, your presence alonejust simply commands to be
noticed and acknowledged.
(40:37):
You don't have to say anything.
You don't have to do anything.
It's not giving off a certainattitude or air.
It just is.
Also avoid the begging presence.
That's the person that comes inand is trying to be seen.
They aren't sure what to do sothey are overly smiling or
(40:58):
overly helpful, overlytalkative.
If you saw the movie,"The Help,"think of Celia Foote.
From the way she dressed to howshe talked in that sing songy
kind of way.
I can't do her voice.
But you get what I'm saying.
Congratulations, Hilly.
(41:24):
I didn't know you were a fan ofMinnie's pies.
I've been wanting to talk to youall night.
Minnie said why you won't be myfriend.
It's because you think me andJohnny went behind your back.
Her word choices and her bodylanguage, everything about her
presence begged to beacknowledged, everything.
(41:45):
As Oprah came into the diningroom where we were all eating,
literally everyone stoppedeating, stood up, and gave her a
standing ovation.
She was late arriving and wewere already on the first or
maybe the second course of thedinner.
They didn't applaud herfacetiously like, Well, look
(42:07):
who's here." They genuinely gotto their feet and applauded out
of respect and appreciation forher.
There was not a single thingabout the way she came into that
space that demanded theirattention, or was even asking to
(42:27):
be seen and acknowledged.
She simply walked into thedining room and started walking
to her table.
It happened because her presencesubtly commanded the attention.
Her presence shifted the energyin the room.
Remember, too, that presence isalso intentional.
(42:49):
That means you're in the momentgiving attention to those around
you with your eye contact, bodylanguage, and active listening.
You're not sitting in a corner,nor are you doing everything
possible to draw attention toyourself.
Learning to use your presence inthe ways I described will help
you draw positive attention,garner a measure of respect
(43:12):
(because, let's face it,everyone ain't gonna to love
you...and so...they not likeus), and it will also help you
influence your space in apositive way.
With the little practice,self-confidence, and time you,
too, can command the room withyour presence.
The last piece of all of thishas to do with space.
(43:36):
So we're going to continue, inPart Three, talking about our
space and then wrapping all ofthis together for our
conclusion.
I know your time is valuable andI appreciate you choosing to
take the time to chat with metoday.
I hope our conversation helpedyou to see things more clearly.
(43:58):
If you like this episode, don'tforget to subscribe so you can
always be alerted to my newepisodes each week.
Enjoy the rest of your day ornight and let's get together
again soon for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
On our last episode of Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
Your worth can fluctuate insomeone else's eyes simply
because they never saw,understood, or appreciated your
real or perceived value to beginwith.
When we lower our value, we arecosting us our worth.
(00:22):
The higher we place our value,then the more we will see what
we are really worth.
We as women have a right to takeup space and to use space.
Make sure you have a beverageand some time on your hands.
We're going to take our timewith this one...
After a meeting discussing anupcoming live hiring event, my
(00:45):
department manager called me tothe side.
It wasn't lost on me that duringthe meeting, I shared quite a
bit of insight with the team onquestions they can ask legally,
how to handle those that we knewwe wouldn't hire that came
perhaps inappropriately dressedor something else.
For instance, it was a callcenter, but we had guys show up
(01:08):
in Laker jerseys, shorts, andJordans.
Like...really??
Anyway, the team appreciated theinformation shared because many
of them had not been taughtproperly about interview
techniques.
The meeting breaks and I'mwalking out into the hallway to
finish up some work before thatevening's event.
(01:28):
And that's when the departmentmanager called me aside in the
hallway.
The words that flowed from theirmouth to my ears and mind
surprised, confused, andsometimes stymied me for years
to come.
I'm so happy you're here.
My name is Shai Boston, and it'sa privilege to welcome you to
Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity: Real Women, Real Talk. (01:51):
undefined
It's a safe space created forwomen like us who want to have
authentic conversation aroundeverything that impacts our
life, careers, andrelationships.
Go ahead, grab your favoritebeverage and get comfy.
(02:13):
Now, let's have a chat.
So we're on part two of ourepisode and I'm still drinking
my Cafe Bustelo.
I'm going to take my sip asusual.
And now let's get into it.
As I stood there, I heard thewords that would move in through
(02:34):
my ears to find a home on mybrain.
I needed to"manage otherpeople's perceptions of me." To
this day, I want to believe thatthe man that delivered that
message to me was very wellintentioned.
That doesn't change the factthat when I heard those words,
it made me think,"What am Idoing wrong now?
(02:58):
Let me guess.
I don't fit in with the team,again.
I'm too loud, again.
I was taking over theconversation, again." My
thoughts were all rooted inprevious experiences where I was
called too assertive forspeaking up and articulating my
(03:18):
opinions.
I was called too aggressive if Ispoke up loud enough to be heard
by others or requested statusupdates on project tasks only
days or sometimes hours beforethey were due because I hadn't
heard from anyone.
If I laughed a little louderthan others during a
conversation, I wasunprofessional and too
(03:38):
boisterous.
I was called rude andunprofessional because I would
speak up and share my ideas oropinions while we were all
brainstorming.
Even though others would talkover each other during these
sessions, I was the one calledout for that same behavior.
If I spoke up in a meeting, nomatter how diplomatic and
(04:00):
tactful I was in my words andtone, I was called intimidating,
angry, or dominating.
When I was silent in a meeting,I was told I wasn't actively
participating.
Those were all other peoples'perceptions of me.
Rightly or wrongly.
I'll readily admit that I stillhad some polishing that needed
(04:22):
to be done, and I still do.
We all do.
The main thing I learned wasthat I can't always manage
others' perceptions of mebecause I can't please everyone,
nor can I act the way they feelI should.
In fact, the only thing I cancontrol is me.
I just couldn't figure out howto show up as me, to be seen and
(04:48):
to be heard, so that otherscould see what I brought to the
table.
No, I take that back.
Most saw what I brought to thetable.
They didn't like the package itwas brought in.
A smart, confident Black woman.
As women in general, ourintellect gets challenged,
(05:11):
especially in male-dominatedspaces on a regular basis.
If you're a woman of color, itadds a whole other layer of
having our intellect and verypresence challenged.
In our last episode, Episode 9,we talked about and did some
self-examination around how wecommunicate, how we receive
(05:33):
information, knowing our value,and how we show up.
Basically, we learned that wehave a right to be in spaces and
to take up space.
We have a right to own and useour voices, and we have a right
to use our presence physicallyand figuratively in a way that
(05:54):
we choose.
Now that we've considered thosethings, it's time to move
forward in breaking this down toanother level when it comes to
our voice, our words, our bodylanguage, our tone, our
presence, and our space.
Yes, these are the six thingsthat we can use to overcome the
challenges often imposed upon usby other peoples' perceptions,
(06:18):
and sometimes our own.
You can do it confidently.
A good place to start is byacknowledging that we have
workplace trauma.
We have life experiences,personal challenges, and other
factors that can prevent us fromusing and owning our voices, our
spaces, and presence in the waysthat we'd like.
(06:41):
Sometimes, we may not realize weare using them as weapons
against those around us.
Our walls of defense may go up.
Our vocal tones may come acrossas charging forward with an
attack or retreating out of fearrather than being open to
(07:04):
discussion.
Our body language can be tellingothers we have established
strict boundaries that willnever be able to be broken
through.
We may not trust others, so wewill minimize or not readily
share information, tasks onprojects, or listen to their
opinions.
(07:24):
Sometimes, that's calledgatekeeping.
Before entering any space andsitting at the table, we have to
own our own crap.
I mean, honestly, starting fromthat place will help you move
forward.
Not acknowledging your owntraumas and personal challenges
(07:44):
will prevent you from beingsuccessful and hold you back
from moving forward.
Alright so how do we moveforward?
Use your voice.
How many of you like the soundof your voice?
If you're like me, most of usdon't when we hear it recorded
(08:04):
and played back, it just soundsweird to us.
Knowing how our physical voicesounds to others helps us to
better understand how to use it.
My recommendation is that yourecord your voice and listen to
it and get used to it.
Ask others what words describethe sound of your voice and its
(08:27):
pitch.
Is it high pitched?
Nasally?
Monotone?
Bueller?
Is it soft?
Speakers record and listen tothemselves because varying their
volume and pitch can keep theiraudiences engaged.
In meetings, it helps to draw orrepel attention from your
(08:51):
message.
You may use your physical voicein this way to be heard and
listened to.
I once had a director who helpedme to appreciate the importance
of my voice in meetings,especially when training.
We were going to be tag teaminga training together over several
days, and she acknowledged thather voice was more nasally and
(09:12):
high pitched.
In fact, she said to me,"I knowmy voice annoys people." And she
laughed and of course I laughedbecause honestly it was kind of
true that after a while It wasone of those voices that kind of
grated on your senses.
Helping me to appreciate myphysical voice, she said,"Your
voice is warmer in tone andpitch," which we'll talk about
(09:36):
tone in a little bit.
And she continued by saying,"Sowe will be able to compliment
each other during the training."When we trained, we were able to
offset each other nicely andkeep our participants engaged.
If you're going to be presentingin a meeting, record yourself
practicing your delivery.
(09:58):
This will give you an idea ofhow you physically sound.
You can then tweak your vocalsaccordingly.
Now, I don't mean changing yourvoice.
I mean adjusting it at keypoints for impact and
maintaining the attention ofyour audience.
Practicing in this way will helpyou to get more comfortable with
(10:19):
your voice and when you'respeaking with others.
You will not be hung up on howyou sound.
In fact, you'll start to adjustyour pitch based on the given
situation.
You'll be able to focus on yourmessage or the conversation
better.
Using your voice also meansspeaking up in meetings and
(10:40):
other conversations where youhave something to contribute.
Speaking up on issues that mayimpact you, your family, or
community, that's another way ofusing your voice.
Inspiring and motivating othersis a way to use your voice as
well.
In fact, the most powerful wayyou can use your voice is in
(11:01):
empowering yourself and othersthrough communication, actions,
and expressing yourself.
Now expressing yourself can comein a number of ways.
It could be physically speakingup, it could be activism,
creating art through poetry,music, photography, or any other
(11:22):
means.
Start by recognizing that youhave a voice and you do have
something to say or contribute.
Whether you're talking at homeor at work, you have a voice.
You just have to empoweryourself to use that voice.
(11:42):
That can be especiallychallenging in male-dominated
environments and anywhere elseyou feel that your voice would
be silenced, not welcomed orrespected.
So here are a few tips to getyou there.
You can express your thoughts ina journal.
Organizing your thoughts in thismanner will help you get the raw
(12:04):
emotions out and then you canwork on putting your words into
more palatable sentences.
Anytime we speak from a place ofemotion, we generally set our
audience up to back off oflistening to what we have to
say.
So we can be passionate aboutwhat we want to say, but we want
(12:25):
to remove the raw emotions andmake sure that our words, our
message, comes across the waythat we want.
Practice what you want to say.
You're going to hear me saypractice a lot throughout this
episode because it's soimportant to build confidence
and to build capability andskills.
As I mentioned before, recordingyourself helps, and even
(12:46):
practicing in front of othersthat will give you honest
feedback will prove beneficial.
This way you can get anunderstanding of how your
message is coming across and, aswe'll talk about later, are you
using the right word choices?
So practice what you want tosay.
Look for opportunities to leadshort meetings, give a
presentation or oversee smallprojects where you'll be
(13:09):
speaking more in front ofothers.
Leading others requireseffective communication, and
this will make it morecomfortable for you to use your
literal and figurative voice.
Learning effective communicationtechniques and practicing active
listening will help you to speakand use your voice.
(13:31):
Anytime you speak, make sure itis clear and articulate.
This will be very important forthose in situations that feel
their voice goes unheard.
Using your volume, pitch, andarticulating your speech sets
the tone for being listened to.
The other things that we'lldiscuss shortly will help as
(13:54):
well.
And finally, if your expertiseis challenged, remember your
value and worth.
Then use"I" statements while youkeep your voice at the right
volume and pitch.
I have reviewed the documents onpage 10 and you'll note
Regulatory Act..." You can stillexpress your expertise and you
(14:15):
can do it in a way that willallow you to be heard because
you're using"I" statements,putting in your expertise, and
sharing what you have to say.
So how do you continue going onusing all these different tips
and building confidence when itcomes to your voice?
It all starts by believing inyour knowledge and expertise.
(14:37):
Period.
You know how much time andeffort you put into your
education, developing yourskillsets, practicing your
craft.
So don't minimize that foranyone.
If you are having impostersyndrome or self doubt, then
repeat the following affirmationto yourself: I am capable,
(14:59):
confident, and worthy.
My voice matters and mycontributions are valuable."
Again,"I am capable, confident,and worthy.
My voice matters and mycontributions are valuable."
Having faith in yourself willallow you to speak up, even if
(15:23):
you're scared and unsure of howyou'll be received, and that
works for any situation, anyrelationship.
When you're at least confidentin what you bring to the table,
you can always speak confidentlyfrom that perspective.
That means nobody can challengeyour knowledge, expertise, or
(15:46):
experience and think they'regoing to"win." You know what,
you know, so stand on business,Boo.
Speaking up also involves otheraspects that we're going to
cover.
So let's move along to the nextone, which is tone.
Tone is how the emotion of whatyou're saying is conveyed.
(16:10):
It provides nuance and textureto what you're saying.
Tone conveys your feelings.
You can come across assarcastic, joyful, angry,
confused.
You get the idea.
Your tone impacts and canenforce the validity of your
(16:31):
statements.
In fact, it can even reinforcethe validity of your statements.
If you're nervous in deliveringyour message, it will come
across like you're unsure aboutwhat you're saying, if you're
sarcastic, people won't know ifthey should take you seriously.
If you are forceful in asituation that does not require
(16:53):
it, people would take that asbeing demanding.
Build your strength in this areaby practicing tone changes when
you speak.
Add in exercising confidence inwhat you say.
Practice helps you overcome yournerves and emotions.
It helps you to focus on whatyou have to say and not the
(17:15):
feelings around what you have tosay, unless you are trying to
convey certain feelings.
Even then, make sure it'sappropriate to use the tone
you're selecting in thesituation that you're going to
use it.
For example, you may befrustrated with a corporate
policy.
You can either convey thatfrustration in your tone or you
(17:39):
can keep your emotions about thepolicy out of the conversation
and state nothing but facts asto why the policy is just not
benefiting other workers.
We'll talk about word choicesshortly.
There's a time to use your toneto emphasize points by conveying
emotions and there's a time tohave restraint.
(17:59):
The environment or situationyou're in all dictates how
you'll proceed when using yourtone.
Next, use your words.
We may not always be cognizantof our words or the impact that
they have, but words do haveimpact.
(18:19):
They can build up, break down,and leave lasting impressions.
Selecting the right words caneither get people to listen to
you while the wrong ones can getthem to close their ears.
I remember several years back, Iwas doing a training event over
the weekend.
There was a student who cameabout halfway through, I want to
(18:42):
say was the first day of thetraining.
Nonetheless, he missed asignificant amount of
information on the topic that Iwas covering when he came in
that afternoon.
At one point, he took issue withsomething that I said and
interrupted the class with hisstatement.
And, I can't remember the exactwords, but he said something
(19:05):
like,"That's not correct." I'mused to being challenged when I
do trainings.
Sometimes people have been toother courses and had other
trainers where they learnedsomething similar or possibly
different in theory or practicethan what I'm training.
So I wasn't taken aback when hesaid the information wasn't
correct.
(19:25):
I just simply said,"Excuse me?"And he said,"That's not
correct." Then he proceeds totry and correct what I said.
Again, I'm used to that andthere's certain ways to handle
it.
But it was how he said it andhow he was doing it and we're in
a room of, like, 200 people,which I'm used to training in as
well, but I sat there and theway he kept going and I, I was
(19:49):
like, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I was heated.
I was.
Let me take a sip of my coffee.
So my emotions got in the way.
And my thought went,"How do youcome to this training event
halfway through the day and thentell the trainer(who was also
the person who thoroughlyresearched and wrote the
(20:11):
curriculum because that's what Ido.
That's what I'm certified todo.) And you're going to tell me
that I was wrong?" At first, Istayed professional for about a
minute.
I gently tried to correct themisunderstanding and explain the
train of thought that I washaving, and he still insisted
that I was wrong.
(20:31):
I allowed that back and forthfor about a minute or so before
I had enough.
You missed part of the morningwhere I covered this in depth
already.
I know what I'm talking about.
Let me educate you." Yeah, assoon as the words left my mouth,
(20:52):
I knew I was going to hear aboutit on the survey from more than
one person.
More importantly, I knew I hadlost him and part of my class,
and I was not going to get themback.
While I said what I meant and Imeant what I said, I could have
used a better word choice inthat situation.
(21:15):
I needlessly andunprofessionally embarrassed him
and myself.
Poor word choice, just like poordelivery, can cause you to lose
any ounce of credibility andtrust you may have built up with
the ones that you're speakingwith.
If you don't have those, or feltyou didn't to begin with, then
(21:37):
you know for sure you won't now.
When selecting your words, thinkof how to convey what you want
to say in the way your recipientwill receive them.
Some people prefer that you bemore concise while others may
want the details.
That's where active listeningcomes into play.
(21:59):
Whenever possible, observe andlisten to the people you are
speaking to.
That way you'll know how toconvey what you want to say.
If they ask a question, listento understand and not to reply.
Once you hear the question, youcan use your words to clarify
what you've heard, what theirquestion was, or to respond
(22:23):
accordingly.
Once you hear the questionthey're asking, and how they are
asking it, that will also helpyou to better understand what
word choices you can use thatwill appeal to them and get them
to listen.
Sometimes, though, we just don'thave the words and when that
(22:43):
happens you can say somethinglike, I'm not sure of any other
way to say this except how it'sin my head." That's a technique
I especially use with my husbandto help diffuse a situation when
there's something that I reallywant to say, but I'm not sure
how to say it in a way that hecan receive it.
(23:04):
And he does the same thing withme.
It also works in mostconversations within the
workplace as well as elsewhere.
Now, how do you build confidencein your word choices?
When you are able, practice whatyou're going to say.
Try saying it in different ways,even accentuating different
(23:24):
words in a sentence.
Try saying it in different ways,even accentuating different
words in a sentence.
Try saying it in a differentway, even accentuating different
words in a sentence.
This is how actors figure outthe best way to convey the
(23:47):
meaning or intent behind asentence or thought that they
now have to convey to theiraudience.
You can also broaden yourvocabulary.
Use a thesaurus when writingemails or other documents to
find different words that canconvey your thought better.
Read or listen to books.
(24:09):
Hearing how others use languagecan influence us and help us to
better express ourselves.
We'll pick up new phrases, newwords, we'll get a better
understanding of how one wordcan mean different things
depending on the context.
Practice conveying your thoughtsin more succinct ways.
People who are Neurodivergent,like myself, can get a little
(24:34):
wordy sometimes.
Therefore, we work at expressingand explaining ourselves in the
least number of words wheneverpossible.
That's why sometimes we have topractice what we want to say, or
it takes us longer to write anemail or a message, because
we're constantly reviewing ourwords and how much we have to
(24:55):
say.
On the other hand, there arealso those of us that are
Neurodivergent who use speechthat is much shorter, clipped,
and to the point.
So they would want to focus onusing more words so as not to
come across as rude and abrupt.
Take a course in communicationor join an organization that
(25:18):
teaches how to speakeffectively.
Toastmasters is great for this.
For anyone that's nervous aboutlearning how to speak in public,
wanting to improve theirspeaking abilities or wanting to
learn how to use their speech tocommunicate.
Toastmasters is great.
Now from time-to-time, I alsoconduct mastermind groups around
(25:41):
effective communication.
These will help you to betterunderstand how you speak and use
words to convey your thoughtsand messages, as well as the
behaviors around the way youcommunicate.
Ultimately, the best way tostart using your words is to to
start speaking them.
Remember when I said you havesomething to say and to
(26:05):
contribute?
Well that means you gotta startsharing what you want to say and
start contributing toconversations where your voice,
your words, matter.
You will develop comfort inspeaking and eventually
adjusting your words to matchany given situation.
(26:25):
Next up is body language.
Before we do that, let's take aquick ad break and have a quick
sip.
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Speaking without words is thebest way to define body
language.
It silently conveys what you'rereally thinking and wanting to
say.
It could be showing interestbecause you start leaning into a
(27:12):
conversation.
It could be boredom becauseyou're staring into space.
It could be conveyingdistraction because you're
fidgeting, twirling your hair,flicking a pen or a pencil.
Basically, you're listeningwithout giving a verbal reply.
That's body language.
(27:33):
Calls to mind a situation thathappened to me several years
back.
I had a manager once ask me if Iwas flirting with him.
After I looked at this man likehe had three heads, I said,
Excuse me?
Am I what now?" He repeated hisquestion.
I looked at him and said,"I am ahappily married woman.
(27:57):
What makes you think I amflirting with you?" He said,
Well, you often adjust your brastrap.
I just wanted you to know thatI'm married and I'm not
interested like that."Gurrrhlll! Hold on, let me take
a sip on that one...
cuz, uh.
I literally sat there and Ilooked at him.
(28:17):
I was like, I know this...I knowthat he didn't just sit up here
and say that I was flirting withhim because I adjusted my bra
strap?
I didn't adjust my bra strap.
You know how your bra just bedigging into your side and you
just reach up and gently tug itdown and out the way.
(28:37):
If you're watching me onYouTube, you see me doing that.
Yeah...
that's what I did...
and this fool thought that wasflirting.
Anyway, after setting himstraight, I thought about my
actions.
What was I doing that gave himthat impression?
Now, mind you, I know I didn'tdo anything wrong.
(29:01):
But he read my normal,absent-minded behavior as
something else.
That's an extreme example, andfrankly, that's all on him.
Nonetheless, it serves my pointthat sometimes things we do
normally can be read as part ofour body language and convey a
message we're not trying toconvey.
(29:22):
For those of us who areNeurodivergent, we may stare off
into space while listening tosomeone speak.
It doesn't mean we're notlistening or that we're
distracted.
We may or may not have tuned outfor a second.
However, it comes across asinattentive, disrespectful, and
rude to those that we're talkingto.
(29:42):
That's why we tried hard to becognizant and aware of what
we're doing and why we're doingit.
Making eye contact is a goodbody language signal of
attentiveness.
Some of us may find it hard tomake eye contact for several
reasons (30:00):
like trauma response, Neurodivergence, shyness,
anxiety, we can't focus oureyes, and that's just to name a
few.
I know I personally suffer fromsome of those.
If you find making eye contactjust as challenging as I do at
times, then look at the personin between their eyebrows or go
slightly above and look at themiddle of their forehead.
(30:22):
But don't look all the way uptheir forehead.
Just slightly above their browline.
That way it looks like you'relooking at them and giving eye
contact when you're not doing itdirectly.
When you're in meetings, havinggood posture by sitting up
straight conveys attentiveness.
When you're standing, stand withyour shoulders back and your
(30:43):
head held up when you areconversing with others.
To help minimize the impacts ofanxiety creeping in before a
meeting, an importantconversation, or being in a
group or crowd, prepareyourself.
Take slow, deep breaths in andout to relax yourself and your
(31:04):
body.
Calmly do it slowly in and outyour nose as you relax yourself.
Those are called cleansingbreaths and they really do work
and help.
How do we build confidence sothat we can manage our body
language?
You can never go wrong byholding your head and chin up
(31:25):
and having good posture.
That always conveysattentiveness and confidence
even when you feel otherwise onthe inside.
Sometimes we don't know what todo with our hands when sitting
during a meeting or when havinga conversation.
If your hands are free, you candisplay confidence, and build
(31:46):
yours, by folding your hands andplacing them on the table or
desk in front of you.
You can put them in the steepleformation, which is basically
almost like your palms arefacing each other, but your
fingertips are touching, justlike you're seeing on the screen
if you're watching this onYouTube.
The steeple formation, with yourelbows on your chair, is another
(32:10):
great way to show attentivenessas well as to show confidence.
Whatever you do, try to avoidcrossing your arms as this can
send the message that you'reclosed off and not listening,
even though that may notactually be the case.
Our body language is often tiedinto our next area of
(32:31):
discussion, which is ourpresence.
Years ago, I had the wonderfulprivilege of attending an event
hosted by Spike Lee.
It was him and 1500 of his"closest friends", celebrating
the anniversary of his firstfilm,"She's Gotta Have It," I
(32:52):
believe, as well as hisproduction company.
As a sidebar, I'll put a link tothe Getty Images in the show
notes for you to see some of thehighlights from the event.
And, if you're watching this onYouTube, you'll see that I'm
providing photographic receiptsof my attendance at this
particular event.
Cuz if you don't have receipts,did it really happen?
(33:15):
You're gonna see photos of mewith Dave Chappelle, Common, and
Star Jones.
So, if you compare the GettyImages and the outfits there to
the images with me at the eventwith these celebrities, you'll
see it's the same event.
Okay, there's my receipts.
Anyway, let me get back to thestory.
(33:36):
I can always talk about thatevent another time because there
were some interesting storiesthat came out of that event.
In fact, the picture that youwill have seen on the screen
with Star Jones and her thenhusband, Al Reynolds, was taken
moments after Star and herhusband were talking with Oprah.
(33:56):
Yes, girl, that Oprah! I'on'careif you like her or not.
Hunty, I was in the presence ofTHE Oprah Winfrey! Not once, but
twice.
And let me tell you, the"OprahEffect" is real.
Okay.
So let me tell you about myexperience with Oprah.
(34:18):
I promise I'm tying this allback to you and I.
As one of the escorts for thenight, Ms.
Jones was one of the celebritiesthat I escorted that evening.
When we got into the theater, Ineeded to locate the seats for
her and her husband.
While I was doing that, she wentto mix and mingle.
After locating her seats, I thenhad to go and find her.
(34:41):
Lord have mercy! When I tellyou, I looked up and I had to
just gather myself.
I just had to pull myselftogether.
Why was that woman standing withGayle King, some other
celebrities I don't evenremember right now, because the
next person I saw was THE OprahWinfrey.
(35:04):
I had to walk up.
So I walked up, I waited for abrief break or lull in the
conversation, and for them toturn and acknowledge me because
they don't know me from Adam,the theater's kind of dark, and
it's just a group of black womenstanding there talking.
So they kind of turned to lookat me thinking that I might have
been another celebrity.
I felt like one that night, I'lltell you that much.
(35:24):
I then said TO OPRAH"Excuse me,Ms.
Winfrey," and then I turned andI said,"Ms.
Jones, I have your seats foryou." She excused herself from
the group and I walked her toher husband and then to their
seats.
And that's where she invited meto sit with her for the
evening's entertainment.
And again, that story's foranother time, but let me get
(35:46):
back to Oprah.
So why did I fuss about her?
Because her presence is real,captivating, and powerful.
She can literally shift theenergy and attention in the
room.
But she wields that power withhumility and grace.
(36:07):
Later that night, right beforethat picture was taken, Ms.
Jones and Mr.
Reynolds, and Ms.
Winfrey were having aconversation.
Again, I stood in awe of herpresence.
I was off to the side a littlebit because I was escorting them
out of the venue.
I had been around celebritiesbefore and were around hundreds
of them that evening frombasketball players to comedians
(36:29):
to actors.
George Lucas was there.
So different directors.
I was around them and I wasn'tanywhere near as awestruck with
them as I was with Oprah.
Presence is the ability to useyour physical and psychological
dynamics to contribute to one'sdemeanor and influence.
(36:52):
If I'm being honest, it's reallyhard to explain presence.
So I'll simply say it's aperson's vibe.
It's their aura.
Like Oprah or Beyonce, theirvery presence physically and
their vibe automatically commandattention and can shift the vibe
(37:12):
of a room.
So let's bring it closer tohome.
Think about your friend circle,male or female.
Do you have one of those friendsthat's just a whole vibe?
A whole vibe.
What about a manager or seniorleader that can make a vibrant
office space feel like the airwas sucked out of it and it can
(37:36):
go silent when they walk intothe room, or they walk into the
cubicle space?
That is presence.
Presence impacts the people andspaces around them.
How do you build confidence inusing your presence which can
also impact the spaces andpeople around you?
(37:56):
It starts with your mindset.
Thinking that you areinsignificant, that your voice
and contributions don't matter,or feeling that you will never
be seen or heard will diminishyour value, your worth, and your
presence in your eyes and in theeyes of others.
(38:19):
Shift that thinking to knowingthat your voice and
contributions matter.
That you are going to do what ittakes to be seen and heard.
Raise your personal feelingsabout your value and worth, and
you'll start to raise yourpresence as well.
Embracing the thought that youwill be seen and heard is the
(38:43):
first step towards owning andusing your presence.
Add in your confident bodylanguage that we just talked
about (38:51):
having good posture, shoulders back, chin up, eye
contact, and you're going to bea force to be reckoned with.
Confident body language always,always, ALWAYS shifts the
perception of one's presence inthe eyes of others before it
(39:12):
literally shifts it all thetime.
Practice entering rooms andspaces at home with confidence.
Go out to eat or shop and walkwith confidence.
As you start to get a little bitmore comfortable, try it in
meetings, at conferences, andother events.
(39:32):
The more you do it, the easierit becomes.
Presence also involves youractive listening, emotional
intelligence, and communicationskills.
Standing confidently andactively listening to someone
helps them to feel seen andheard.
That instantly raises yourpresence quotient in their minds
(39:54):
and eyes.
It's something they canliterally feel.
When you apply everything elsewe talked about so far your
tone, your words and bodylanguage your presence, your
aura, your vibe, YOUR Opraheffect can be felt.
Avoid an arrogant presencethough.
(40:15):
We all know the types.
They step into a space and doall the things to draw
attention.
In fact, they demand it ratherthan command it.
You want to cultivate the typeof presence that when you walk
into a room, your presence alonejust simply commands to be
noticed and acknowledged.
(40:37):
You don't have to say anything.
You don't have to do anything.
It's not giving off a certainattitude or air.
It just is.
Also avoid the begging presence.
That's the person that comes inand is trying to be seen.
They aren't sure what to do sothey are overly smiling or
(40:58):
overly helpful, overlytalkative.
If you saw the movie,"The Help,"think of Celia Foote.
From the way she dressed to howshe talked in that sing songy
kind of way.
I can't do her voice.
But you get what I'm saying.
Congratulations, Hilly.
(41:24):
I didn't know you were a fan ofMinnie's pies.
I've been wanting to talk to youall night.
Minnie said why you won't be myfriend.
It's because you think me andJohnny went behind your back.
Her word choices and her bodylanguage, everything about her
presence begged to beacknowledged, everything.
(41:45):
As Oprah came into the diningroom where we were all eating,
literally everyone stoppedeating, stood up, and gave her a
standing ovation.
She was late arriving and wewere already on the first or
maybe the second course of thedinner.
They didn't applaud herfacetiously like, Well, look
(42:07):
who's here." They genuinely gotto their feet and applauded out
of respect and appreciation forher.
There was not a single thingabout the way she came into that
space that demanded theirattention, or was even asking to
(42:27):
be seen and acknowledged.
She simply walked into thedining room and started walking
to her table.
It happened because her presencesubtly commanded the attention.
Her presence shifted the energyin the room.
Remember, too, that presence isalso intentional.
(42:49):
That means you're in the momentgiving attention to those around
you with your eye contact, bodylanguage, and active listening.
You're not sitting in a corner,nor are you doing everything
possible to draw attention toyourself.
Learning to use your presence inthe ways I described will help
you draw positive attention,garner a measure of respect
(43:12):
(because, let's face it,everyone ain't gonna to love
you...and so...they not likeus), and it will also help you
influence your space in apositive way.
With the little practice,self-confidence, and time you,
too, can command the room withyour presence.
The last piece of all of thishas to do with space.
(43:36):
So we're going to continue, inPart Three, talking about our
space and then wrapping all ofthis together for our
conclusion.
I know your time is valuable andI appreciate you choosing to
take the time to chat with metoday.
I hope our conversation helpedyou to see things more clearly.
(43:58):
If you like this episode, don'tforget to subscribe so you can
always be alerted to my newepisodes each week.
Enjoy the rest of your day ornight and let's get together
again soon for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
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