February 11, 2025 • 27 mins
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SHOW DESCRIPTION
Have you ever felt blindsided by someone you trusted? In this episode of Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity, I share a deeply personal story of betrayal by a business associate that left me emotionally shattered and questioning my own judgment. From the initial excitement of a promising partnership to the devastating realization of being ghosted and taken advantage of, I recount my journey of recovery, resilience, and the valuable lessons learned. Join me as we explore how to protect ourselves in business and personal relationships, rebuild trust, and move forward without letting past hurts define our future. Grab your favorite drink and let’s dive in!
TL;DR
Hear my personal story of being betrayed by a business associate. I talk about the emotional impact, the journey of recovery, and lessons learned about protecting yourself in business and personal relationships, rebuilding trust, and moving forward.
Time Stamps
00:00 Introduction and Emotional Turmoil
01:20 Welcome to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity
02:33 Starting a Travel Agency
03:59 The Big Opportunity
07:12 The Betrayal Unfolds
13:47 Lessons Learned and Moving Forward
26:38 Final Thoughts
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RESOURCES
Note: I do not have any affiliations with, sponsorships or endorsements from any of the resources mentioned. They are listed for your reference.
Mental Health Resources
Ph: 988
National Institute of Mental Health
Sexual Violence Resources
Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)
Substance Abuse Resources
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
Credits
Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Coming up next on Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
I stood there completely inshock and then I got angry and
then I started crying because Iwas hurt.
I put my all into trying to makethat relationship work, to help
him see my value.
(00:21):
All for him to demonstrate inevery way possible that I was
worthless to him.
Don't be so blind that you don'tsee that you are wanting
something more than the otherperson.
I was absolutely shocked.
Then I was angry, still am.
(00:44):
Then I was hurt.
And I cried.
I cried so hard that I almostfelt like I was broken.
I didn't know how I was going torecover from it.
Then I felt guilt, shame.
I blamed myself.
Like, how did I let this evenhappen to me?
(01:05):
It took a long time for me towork through all of those
feelings and work througheverything.
I just knew I needed to figureout how to prevent this from
happening to me and my businessever again.
Hi ladies, I'm Shai and I'm soexcited to welcome you to
(01:26):
Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.
As a woman navigating my ownjourney, I've experienced the
ups and downs, the triumphs andchallenges that come with being
a woman in today's world.
I created this podcast as aspace for us to have authentic
conversations and connections toshare stories and inspire each
(01:47):
other.
Let's break down barriers,celebrate our successes and
support one another on thisjourney together.
So take a sip, sit back andlet's have a chat.
Today I'm sipping on a littleWhite Hennessy on the rocks.
What are you having?
(02:08):
I wanted something that wassmooth, light, refreshing, those
good things.
I hope you have somethingsimilar too, whether you're
listening to me in the morning,the afternoon, or the evening.
I'm going to take a sip.
Woo, that's a kick.
All right.
(02:30):
Now let's get into it.
Several years ago, I owned myown Travel Agency.
Although I had been in thetravel industry for many years,
it wasn't easy starting andrunning my own agency,
especially since I had never runa business before.
So this was all new to me and Iwas eager to try to make
(02:51):
something happen.
It didn't help that I had movedto a new area and was still
trying to get the lay of theland.
During this time, I was tryinganything I could.
Basically, I did what a lot ofpeople do.
I was throwing stuff out thereand seeing what would stick.
I don't always recommend that,however.
(03:12):
There's a time and a place forit.
I didn't have much financialcapital to do marketing.
So I was working to find andbuild connections outside of the
travel industry and doing what Icould.
And the reason for that is thatalmost everyone I knew either
worked in the industry or hadrelatives that did.
So nobody would be interested inworking with a travel agent and
(03:35):
risk losing incredible employeeor friends and family discounts
through their connections.
And trust me, those were somegreat discounts.
That's the one thing I do missabout working for the cruise
line.
Anyway, I wasn't alone in myeffort to generate leads for my
new travel agency.
Thanks to a few great colleaguesand some friends, I was starting
(03:58):
to get referrals.
And one of those great friends,I will call her Annalise.
She called me up and told me shehad a great referral for me.
I knew that I could trust her,as I had known her for years and
actually I was her trainer whenshe started working at the
company that I used to work at.
She was a hard worker.
(04:18):
A go-getter, and was alwaysstriving to improve herself
while helping others around her.
To this day, she's still one ofmy biggest supporters and I'm
only using an alias to protecther as the innocent party in all
of this.
Anyway, she called me up andtold me she had a big connection
for me.
This person had been trying towork with my former employer and
(04:42):
needed more services than thecompany was willing to give.
She had told him about me andsaid he was interested in
speaking with me, especiallygiven my experience.
I was way too excited! Thiscould be the one thing, the one
thing that can help"make" myagency...
(05:03):
here's the too long didn't read.
It almost broke me and myagency.
I called this guy up and let'scall his name James".
He was the founder of a largenetworking and business
organization in Florida,primarily for Black and
Caribbean people.
He was closely associated withmany of my former co-workers and
(05:27):
others that I knew.
I was also familiar with him andhis organization.
So that lead that was given tome by Annalise was going to be a
good one.
To keep a long story short, overa course of many months, he and
I had a series of conversationsabout how we could work
together.
(05:47):
We started with understandingeach other's businesses and
expertise.
From there, we started workingon a cruise group that he was
interested in putting together.
I held the space, which meansthat I booked the staterooms on
the ship and the sailing that weagreed upon, and we were now in
the process of marketing andselling the staterooms.
(06:10):
He printed marketing materialswith my agency contact
information on it.
He hosted a networking event inmy area.
That's where I got to speak todifferent ones about the trip.
And I even had a table at theevent where his guests could
come and express their interestin the trip.
So things seemed to be movingforward nicely.
Because he had a relativelyaggressive agenda for events
(06:35):
that he wanted to do, I startedputting together a calendar of
travel events that he can dobecause he wanted to do retreats
and things like that.
I started making the connectionsso that we can start bringing
all of this together andbridging them together and put
together a calendar.
I essentially created an entiretravel and event game plan for
(06:58):
him.
I was excited.
I was encouraged.
I was enthusiastic.
It seemed like a really greatfit.
He was encouraging me every stepof the way.
He was excited about everythingthat I was doing and sharing
with him.
The one thing that James was notdoing was agreeing to sign an
(07:18):
exclusive contract with me.
He would say, let's talk aboutit during our next meeting.
We talk about everything elseand then run out of time to talk
about the contract.
I emailed the contract and askedhim to sign it.
He'd email me back stating hehad questions or wanted to tweak
(07:39):
something.
And this went on for longer thanI really will care to admit, but
it went on for a long time.
Then one day, silence.
He wasn't answering my phonecalls.
He wasn't returning my messages.
He would read emails, but notrespond back.
(08:01):
Before it was even a thing I wasghosted.
My next line of defense was tocall up my girl.
Annalise was HOT that he haddone this.
She tried reaching out to himherself, got no answer.
She was angry because now he notonly did this to me, but because
(08:25):
her name and reputation were nowinvolved.
At this point, I didn't knowwhat else to do.
I was in shock and disbeliefthat someone would do this,
especially someone that had somany mutual ties to myself.
And then I started to worry, onthe flip side, that maybe
something happened, likehappened to him or something
(08:45):
like that and nobody wascommunicating with me.
My sistafriend, though, wasrelentless.
She kept looking and digging andshe made a discovery, which I
had not seen as of yet.
She found that he booked thesame cruise, but through a
different travel agency.
(09:06):
It was a much larger and morewell-known one.
In fact, all the informationthat was on the marketing, his
websites, the printed materials,that sort of a thing, all of it
now reflected this new agency.
Of course, I tried calling andreaching out.
(09:28):
I wanted to know if he wanted meto work in harmony with this
other agency, which isn'tsomething unusual and unheard
of.
Maybe he wanted them to take thelead because they were a larger
agency.
There were certain things thatthey would be able to do that I
as a smaller agency might nothave been able to do, but there
was nothing, crickets, completesilence.
(09:51):
I had gotten got.
To add insult to injury, Ireceived a phone call one day.
There was a very nice andchipper young man on the other
end of the line.
He stated his name and where hewas calling from.
He advised me that I was on themailing list for James's
(10:12):
organization, and he wanted toknow if I had heard about the
cruise that was being done.
I was floored.
And I was pissed.
I said curtly,"Yes, I know aboutthe cruise.
I was the original travel agent.
(10:34):
Please remove me from your calland mailing list.
Thank you." Then I slammed thephone down.
Yes, this was a desktop phoneand a landline and I slammed it
down, which brought me a smallmeasure of satisfaction.
And then I stood therecompletely in shock and then I
got angry and then I startedcrying because I was hurt.
(11:00):
I put my all into trying to makethat relationship work, to help
him see my value.
All for him to demonstrate inevery way possible that I was
worthless to him.
My husband was angry, and I'msure when he listens to this
episode, he's going to get angryall over again, because he also
(11:22):
had not let go of his feelingsaround this situation.
He was ready to just go out andget some revenge to do something
about it.
I was there too.
But the reality is that I'mpetty, but I'm not a revenge
person.
And it took all I had to holdhim back.
I called up Annalise and I toldher of this new development.
(11:46):
She was still very angry! Shetold me she will never work with
him again.
Never helping with anything elseagain.
And she would not support him inany way.
While I still had many tearsthat I shed, I did do one thing.
I sent him an email and aninvoice.
(12:07):
The email stated that if hewasn't satisfied with my
service, he could have told me.
If he wanted to go in adifferent direction- such as
working with a larger agency- hecould have told me.
He didn't have to pretend thathe wanted to work with me and
pick my brain.
He didn't even have to lead meon like that.
(12:27):
You see what he didn't knowabout me is that I would have
shared just as much informationwith him anyway.
I do that with people.
I don't gatekeep.
Now, he had lost someone thatwas once in his corner and
willing to help him.
I then told him that I wasattaching an invoice for my
(12:48):
services.
So I charged him for myknowledge, which was, and still
is invaluable, my experience, myskills, my labor, the documents
that I produced for him andshared with him, that I'm pretty
sure he took and ran withelsewhere.
And I believe I charged himsomewhere in the ballpark of
like$5,000 or something.
(13:10):
And then I said,"Not that I'dexpect you to pay it based on
your track record." I knew he'dnever pay it, and I never
expected him to pay it.
The email was neveracknowledged.
And to this day, he's never saida word and it's been at least a
decade or so.
He's never even remotelyapologized, nor did I expect him
(13:36):
to.
He felt I wasn't worth his time,his effort, his consideration,
nothing else.
He used me and he left me.
Whether in business or personalrelationships, we may experience
something similar.
We meet, start getting to knoweach other, put forth our best
(14:00):
effort based on good intentions,and then we find ourselves out
in the cold.
Not necessarily because of ourdoing.
The other person simply got whatthey wanted and left.
Although that situation waspainful for me in many ways that
I can't even begin to put intowords for you, I'm still not
(14:20):
afraid to take risks.
Taking risks in our business andpersonal relationships is one of
the most frightening things thatwe can do, especially if you
have been hurt or suffereddamages in some way.
It can make us hesitant with thenext person or opportunity.
But I don't want us to shy awayfrom taking risks.
(14:41):
We will do what we can toprepare and protect ourselves,
but we can't back away.
If we shield ourselves from allpossible risks, we will never
live.
Our businesses will never thriveand grow.
And we will become a shell of aperson out of fear.
Instead, use that fear to moveforward more cautiously.
(15:05):
Whether in business or inpersonal relationships, you
don't have to show your fullhand ever! And if you do, just
be prepared to have it accepted,rejected, or in the case of
business ideas, stolen.
So you can hold your cards alittle closer to the vest, but
(15:26):
don't be afraid to sit down andplay the game.
Remember what happened.
Don't forget how you felt.
But don't bring that into yournew or next relationship or
opportunity.
We all have baggage.
In business, it could be frompast dealings with partners,
collaborators, vendors,employees.
(15:47):
In our personal lives, it couldbe family, friends, former
partners.
Building new relationships takestime and effort and a measure of
trust.
Don't lose your trust bringingyour baggage into the new
relationship.
Don't unpack your baggage withthe new relationship until it's
(16:09):
truly appropriate to do so, it'struly safe, and it's a
relationship filled with mutualtrust and respect.
Don't assume that the nextperson or opportunity you
encounter is going to do you thesame as the person or people
that did you wrong.
Just don't judge the new peopleand new opportunities harshly.
(16:33):
Be cautious.
Yes, for sure.
Judge them on their own merits.
Get to know them as individualsbefore lumping them into the
group of people that hurt youthe most.
One thing I did have to admit tomyself, though, I played a role
in what happened to me.
(16:53):
I don't blame myself, but I didplay a role.
I was a bit too eager, and thatmay have read as being
desperate.
I don't know but that's hischoice how he read me.
But I do admit that I was a biteager, because I was excited and
willing to do what I could tomake the relationship work.
(17:14):
And that's a big life lesson forlife, love, business, whatever.
Don't be so blind that you don'tsee that you are wanting
something more than the otherperson.
It was a reminder to me to holdback some, to slow down.
When we do that, we'll see thered flags that we're missing
(17:38):
while trying to hunt for thegreen ones.
If I had done that, I wouldn'thave ignored my gut that told me
not to do another thing until hesigned a contract.
If I had followed that advice, Iwould have reached out to the
many people who were mutuallyconnected to us and asked them
(17:58):
what I needed to know and what Ididn't know.
If I had followed my advice, Iwould have seen that this man
never intended to work with me.
He only wanted the expertise Icould offer, but not the package
that it came in.
(18:18):
Even in our personalrelationships, we sometimes
think that we didn't play a rolein what happened in the
relationship.
And while this could be true insome cases, it's not true in the
vast majority.
That's because we may ignore,accept, or dismiss certain
behaviors.
(18:40):
Again, it's not blamingourselves, but it's recognizing
that sometimes the signs werethere and we just didn't read
them.
You may have ignored the timesthat he gave a lame excuse for
not calling you.
You dismissed him because he wassaying that he needed to work or
he had some other excuse and youdismissed all of that when he
(19:03):
didn't come to see about youwhen you were sick.
Perhaps you dismissed the factthat he always wanted to know
where you were and who you werewith, but he didn't want to
share that same information.
You may not have wanted to admitthat he was controlling and you
(19:24):
accepted that behavior when hetold you what he does and
doesn't like about you and howyou dress, and your friends, and
your family, and your job, andthe, and the, and the...
Maybe you thought it was sweetand cute how he ordered for you
at the restaurant until yourealized he always orders for
(19:46):
you and you never get to makeyour own choices.
At work, you may have thoughtthat you had a boss that valued
your contributions to the teamuntil you realized they never
mention your name or give youcredit for your work.
Maybe they take the credit, butyou chalked it up and just said,
(20:07):
"It's okay.
They'll give me credit nexttime.
Right?" Or, maybe they give youcredit, but then they're
questioning your projectmanagement or other skills.
But that's okay too becauseyou'll work harder to show them
what you can do.
Maybe they praise you in publicand then ding you on your
performance reviews, alwaysgiving out a"Meets Expectations"
(20:31):
when they told you all year thatyou were"Exceeding
Expectations." And, again, yousoon realized that you haven't
been advocating for yourself,nor have you been keeping the
records you should, which wouldprove what you have done
throughout the year.
Maybe you're a business ownerand in your business, perhaps
(20:52):
you're working and buildingrelationships.
You've been networking hard.
Now there's someone who's sayingthey want to collaborate and
build together with you, yetyou're the one that's doing all
the work.
They aren't introducing you topeople as they said they would
because they're suddenly toobusy or have other priorities.
(21:13):
Maybe they're relying on you todo all the work for the
presentation only to take overthe meeting and present as if
they know everything.
And because you're excited aboutthe possible collaboration and
partnership, you don't evenbother to speak up.
You don't advocate for yourbusiness or your business ideas.
(21:34):
My point is that in mostsituations, we can look to see
what we could have donedifferently to help minimize the
situation that we find ourselvesin.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Let me be very clear about this.
I am not saying it's your faultthat he cheated or you lost
(21:55):
thousands of dollars in abusiness deal.
Or any number of other things.
The reality is, we know thatthere are those people out there
that are good at beingconniving, conning, grooming.
Taking advantage of others.
So don't use what I'm saying asa way of looking through a lens
of self-punishment andself-blame.
(22:16):
Use what I'm saying as a way oftalking to yourself and asking
yourself, What did I miss, ifanything?
What did I learn?
What will I do differently nexttime?
How will I protect myself goingforward without shutting myself
off from the people andopportunities that may come to
(22:38):
me?
I do not blame myself for whathappened to me.
I blame him because he wasconniving and manipulative.
I do not blame myself for beingexcited and eager.
I should have been.
I will not hold back from beingexcited about new opportunities
(22:59):
or being eager to make somethingcome about if it seems like a
good opportunity.
Knowing that there are peopleout there like him, though, that
would take advantage of myeagerness and my excitement?
I express my enthusiasm, but nowit's tempered.
I don't blame myself for takinga risk.
(23:21):
I learned to take risks morecautiously.
I do not blame myself foranything I did when I was
working with James.
I realized that I needed to geta little more experience,
remember my negotiation skills,and to speak up for myself
(23:41):
throughout the process.
I learned that I can stand myground, especially if I prepare
myself to walk away from asituation that is not serving my
needs, never served my needs orwas never intended to serve my
needs.
I learned, and was remindedthrough that experience, that I
(24:04):
still had a measure of controland I do not have to give up
whatever percentage of controlthat I do have.
I can wield it to my advantageor I can use my control and walk
away.
Not that I think he's listening,but if this should find a way to
him, I just simply want to say,Do Better! You were a grown
(24:33):
behind man with much businesssavvy that took advantage of
someone that was new in businessand eager to work with you.
You could have done so much morein helping a budding business
and entrepreneur.
You could have advocated for me.
You advocate helping peoplewithin our community, yet you
(24:56):
preyed on them as well.
I know I wasn't the only one.
I later found that out.
You no longer matter in my life.
Except as a lesson in the bookthat I study on what not to do
and how not to lead.
My resolve to work with honorand integrity, to be authentic,
(25:21):
regardless to what others maythink, you were part of the
reason why I do and continue todo business that way.
I did it before I met you andfor sure continued afterwards.
You almost, almost crushed myspirit and my dreams.
(25:44):
You couldn't though, because myspirit and my dreams are bigger
than you.
Thank you for being the jerkthat you were.
You helped me to closely see whoI never want to be and who I
never want to work with.
(26:06):
Those types of people.
Y'all, let's learn from theJeromes of the world.
Yeah, that's his real name.
And yes, I'm still connected tohim, in certain ways.
I did that so that I don'tforget.
I did that so I can move in theshadows and keep tabs.
(26:29):
I did that just in case the urgeto ever become petty...
Sistafriends, whatever yourcircumstances or situations are
that you're reflecting on whilelistening to this episode, I
want you to remove yourself fromblame.
(26:53):
I don't blame myself for whathappened between me and him.
Don't blame yourself forwhatever it is you are blaming
yourself for.
We are all going to learn, grow,and move on.
We don't have to forget, but wecan leave it all behind us.
(27:14):
And now that I'm here, I'm notgoing back.
And now that you're here,neither should you.
I know your time is valuable andI appreciate you choosing to
take the time to chat with metoday.
(27:35):
I hope our conversation helpedyou to see things more clearly.
If you like this episode, don'tforget to subscribe so you can
always be alerted to my newepisodes each week.
Enjoy the rest of your day ornight and let's get together
again soon for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
Coming up next on Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
I stood there completely inshock and then I got angry and
then I started crying because Iwas hurt.
I put my all into trying to makethat relationship work, to help
him see my value.
(00:21):
All for him to demonstrate inevery way possible that I was
worthless to him.
Don't be so blind that you don'tsee that you are wanting
something more than the otherperson.
I was absolutely shocked.
Then I was angry, still am.
(00:44):
Then I was hurt.
And I cried.
I cried so hard that I almostfelt like I was broken.
I didn't know how I was going torecover from it.
Then I felt guilt, shame.
I blamed myself.
Like, how did I let this evenhappen to me?
(01:05):
It took a long time for me towork through all of those
feelings and work througheverything.
I just knew I needed to figureout how to prevent this from
happening to me and my businessever again.
Hi ladies, I'm Shai and I'm soexcited to welcome you to
(01:26):
Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity.
As a woman navigating my ownjourney, I've experienced the
ups and downs, the triumphs andchallenges that come with being
a woman in today's world.
I created this podcast as aspace for us to have authentic
conversations and connections toshare stories and inspire each
(01:47):
other.
Let's break down barriers,celebrate our successes and
support one another on thisjourney together.
So take a sip, sit back andlet's have a chat.
Today I'm sipping on a littleWhite Hennessy on the rocks.
What are you having?
(02:08):
I wanted something that wassmooth, light, refreshing, those
good things.
I hope you have somethingsimilar too, whether you're
listening to me in the morning,the afternoon, or the evening.
I'm going to take a sip.
Woo, that's a kick.
All right.
(02:30):
Now let's get into it.
Several years ago, I owned myown Travel Agency.
Although I had been in thetravel industry for many years,
it wasn't easy starting andrunning my own agency,
especially since I had never runa business before.
So this was all new to me and Iwas eager to try to make
(02:51):
something happen.
It didn't help that I had movedto a new area and was still
trying to get the lay of theland.
During this time, I was tryinganything I could.
Basically, I did what a lot ofpeople do.
I was throwing stuff out thereand seeing what would stick.
I don't always recommend that,however.
(03:12):
There's a time and a place forit.
I didn't have much financialcapital to do marketing.
So I was working to find andbuild connections outside of the
travel industry and doing what Icould.
And the reason for that is thatalmost everyone I knew either
worked in the industry or hadrelatives that did.
So nobody would be interested inworking with a travel agent and
(03:35):
risk losing incredible employeeor friends and family discounts
through their connections.
And trust me, those were somegreat discounts.
That's the one thing I do missabout working for the cruise
line.
Anyway, I wasn't alone in myeffort to generate leads for my
new travel agency.
Thanks to a few great colleaguesand some friends, I was starting
(03:58):
to get referrals.
And one of those great friends,I will call her Annalise.
She called me up and told me shehad a great referral for me.
I knew that I could trust her,as I had known her for years and
actually I was her trainer whenshe started working at the
company that I used to work at.
She was a hard worker.
(04:18):
A go-getter, and was alwaysstriving to improve herself
while helping others around her.
To this day, she's still one ofmy biggest supporters and I'm
only using an alias to protecther as the innocent party in all
of this.
Anyway, she called me up andtold me she had a big connection
for me.
This person had been trying towork with my former employer and
(04:42):
needed more services than thecompany was willing to give.
She had told him about me andsaid he was interested in
speaking with me, especiallygiven my experience.
I was way too excited! Thiscould be the one thing, the one
thing that can help"make" myagency...
(05:03):
here's the too long didn't read.
It almost broke me and myagency.
I called this guy up and let'scall his name James".
He was the founder of a largenetworking and business
organization in Florida,primarily for Black and
Caribbean people.
He was closely associated withmany of my former co-workers and
(05:27):
others that I knew.
I was also familiar with him andhis organization.
So that lead that was given tome by Annalise was going to be a
good one.
To keep a long story short, overa course of many months, he and
I had a series of conversationsabout how we could work
together.
(05:47):
We started with understandingeach other's businesses and
expertise.
From there, we started workingon a cruise group that he was
interested in putting together.
I held the space, which meansthat I booked the staterooms on
the ship and the sailing that weagreed upon, and we were now in
the process of marketing andselling the staterooms.
(06:10):
He printed marketing materialswith my agency contact
information on it.
He hosted a networking event inmy area.
That's where I got to speak todifferent ones about the trip.
And I even had a table at theevent where his guests could
come and express their interestin the trip.
So things seemed to be movingforward nicely.
Because he had a relativelyaggressive agenda for events
(06:35):
that he wanted to do, I startedputting together a calendar of
travel events that he can dobecause he wanted to do retreats
and things like that.
I started making the connectionsso that we can start bringing
all of this together andbridging them together and put
together a calendar.
I essentially created an entiretravel and event game plan for
(06:58):
him.
I was excited.
I was encouraged.
I was enthusiastic.
It seemed like a really greatfit.
He was encouraging me every stepof the way.
He was excited about everythingthat I was doing and sharing
with him.
The one thing that James was notdoing was agreeing to sign an
(07:18):
exclusive contract with me.
He would say, let's talk aboutit during our next meeting.
We talk about everything elseand then run out of time to talk
about the contract.
I emailed the contract and askedhim to sign it.
He'd email me back stating hehad questions or wanted to tweak
(07:39):
something.
And this went on for longer thanI really will care to admit, but
it went on for a long time.
Then one day, silence.
He wasn't answering my phonecalls.
He wasn't returning my messages.
He would read emails, but notrespond back.
(08:01):
Before it was even a thing I wasghosted.
My next line of defense was tocall up my girl.
Annalise was HOT that he haddone this.
She tried reaching out to himherself, got no answer.
She was angry because now he notonly did this to me, but because
(08:25):
her name and reputation were nowinvolved.
At this point, I didn't knowwhat else to do.
I was in shock and disbeliefthat someone would do this,
especially someone that had somany mutual ties to myself.
And then I started to worry, onthe flip side, that maybe
something happened, likehappened to him or something
(08:45):
like that and nobody wascommunicating with me.
My sistafriend, though, wasrelentless.
She kept looking and digging andshe made a discovery, which I
had not seen as of yet.
She found that he booked thesame cruise, but through a
different travel agency.
(09:06):
It was a much larger and morewell-known one.
In fact, all the informationthat was on the marketing, his
websites, the printed materials,that sort of a thing, all of it
now reflected this new agency.
Of course, I tried calling andreaching out.
(09:28):
I wanted to know if he wanted meto work in harmony with this
other agency, which isn'tsomething unusual and unheard
of.
Maybe he wanted them to take thelead because they were a larger
agency.
There were certain things thatthey would be able to do that I
as a smaller agency might nothave been able to do, but there
was nothing, crickets, completesilence.
(09:51):
I had gotten got.
To add insult to injury, Ireceived a phone call one day.
There was a very nice andchipper young man on the other
end of the line.
He stated his name and where hewas calling from.
He advised me that I was on themailing list for James's
(10:12):
organization, and he wanted toknow if I had heard about the
cruise that was being done.
I was floored.
And I was pissed.
I said curtly,"Yes, I know aboutthe cruise.
I was the original travel agent.
(10:34):
Please remove me from your calland mailing list.
Thank you." Then I slammed thephone down.
Yes, this was a desktop phoneand a landline and I slammed it
down, which brought me a smallmeasure of satisfaction.
And then I stood therecompletely in shock and then I
got angry and then I startedcrying because I was hurt.
(11:00):
I put my all into trying to makethat relationship work, to help
him see my value.
All for him to demonstrate inevery way possible that I was
worthless to him.
My husband was angry, and I'msure when he listens to this
episode, he's going to get angryall over again, because he also
(11:22):
had not let go of his feelingsaround this situation.
He was ready to just go out andget some revenge to do something
about it.
I was there too.
But the reality is that I'mpetty, but I'm not a revenge
person.
And it took all I had to holdhim back.
I called up Annalise and I toldher of this new development.
(11:46):
She was still very angry! Shetold me she will never work with
him again.
Never helping with anything elseagain.
And she would not support him inany way.
While I still had many tearsthat I shed, I did do one thing.
I sent him an email and aninvoice.
(12:07):
The email stated that if hewasn't satisfied with my
service, he could have told me.
If he wanted to go in adifferent direction- such as
working with a larger agency- hecould have told me.
He didn't have to pretend thathe wanted to work with me and
pick my brain.
He didn't even have to lead meon like that.
(12:27):
You see what he didn't knowabout me is that I would have
shared just as much informationwith him anyway.
I do that with people.
I don't gatekeep.
Now, he had lost someone thatwas once in his corner and
willing to help him.
I then told him that I wasattaching an invoice for my
(12:48):
services.
So I charged him for myknowledge, which was, and still
is invaluable, my experience, myskills, my labor, the documents
that I produced for him andshared with him, that I'm pretty
sure he took and ran withelsewhere.
And I believe I charged himsomewhere in the ballpark of
like$5,000 or something.
(13:10):
And then I said,"Not that I'dexpect you to pay it based on
your track record." I knew he'dnever pay it, and I never
expected him to pay it.
The email was neveracknowledged.
And to this day, he's never saida word and it's been at least a
decade or so.
He's never even remotelyapologized, nor did I expect him
(13:36):
to.
He felt I wasn't worth his time,his effort, his consideration,
nothing else.
He used me and he left me.
Whether in business or personalrelationships, we may experience
something similar.
We meet, start getting to knoweach other, put forth our best
(14:00):
effort based on good intentions,and then we find ourselves out
in the cold.
Not necessarily because of ourdoing.
The other person simply got whatthey wanted and left.
Although that situation waspainful for me in many ways that
I can't even begin to put intowords for you, I'm still not
(14:20):
afraid to take risks.
Taking risks in our business andpersonal relationships is one of
the most frightening things thatwe can do, especially if you
have been hurt or suffereddamages in some way.
It can make us hesitant with thenext person or opportunity.
But I don't want us to shy awayfrom taking risks.
(14:41):
We will do what we can toprepare and protect ourselves,
but we can't back away.
If we shield ourselves from allpossible risks, we will never
live.
Our businesses will never thriveand grow.
And we will become a shell of aperson out of fear.
Instead, use that fear to moveforward more cautiously.
(15:05):
Whether in business or inpersonal relationships, you
don't have to show your fullhand ever! And if you do, just
be prepared to have it accepted,rejected, or in the case of
business ideas, stolen.
So you can hold your cards alittle closer to the vest, but
(15:26):
don't be afraid to sit down andplay the game.
Remember what happened.
Don't forget how you felt.
But don't bring that into yournew or next relationship or
opportunity.
We all have baggage.
In business, it could be frompast dealings with partners,
collaborators, vendors,employees.
(15:47):
In our personal lives, it couldbe family, friends, former
partners.
Building new relationships takestime and effort and a measure of
trust.
Don't lose your trust bringingyour baggage into the new
relationship.
Don't unpack your baggage withthe new relationship until it's
(16:09):
truly appropriate to do so, it'struly safe, and it's a
relationship filled with mutualtrust and respect.
Don't assume that the nextperson or opportunity you
encounter is going to do you thesame as the person or people
that did you wrong.
Just don't judge the new peopleand new opportunities harshly.
(16:33):
Be cautious.
Yes, for sure.
Judge them on their own merits.
Get to know them as individualsbefore lumping them into the
group of people that hurt youthe most.
One thing I did have to admit tomyself, though, I played a role
in what happened to me.
(16:53):
I don't blame myself, but I didplay a role.
I was a bit too eager, and thatmay have read as being
desperate.
I don't know but that's hischoice how he read me.
But I do admit that I was a biteager, because I was excited and
willing to do what I could tomake the relationship work.
(17:14):
And that's a big life lesson forlife, love, business, whatever.
Don't be so blind that you don'tsee that you are wanting
something more than the otherperson.
It was a reminder to me to holdback some, to slow down.
When we do that, we'll see thered flags that we're missing
(17:38):
while trying to hunt for thegreen ones.
If I had done that, I wouldn'thave ignored my gut that told me
not to do another thing until hesigned a contract.
If I had followed that advice, Iwould have reached out to the
many people who were mutuallyconnected to us and asked them
(17:58):
what I needed to know and what Ididn't know.
If I had followed my advice, Iwould have seen that this man
never intended to work with me.
He only wanted the expertise Icould offer, but not the package
that it came in.
(18:18):
Even in our personalrelationships, we sometimes
think that we didn't play a rolein what happened in the
relationship.
And while this could be true insome cases, it's not true in the
vast majority.
That's because we may ignore,accept, or dismiss certain
behaviors.
(18:40):
Again, it's not blamingourselves, but it's recognizing
that sometimes the signs werethere and we just didn't read
them.
You may have ignored the timesthat he gave a lame excuse for
not calling you.
You dismissed him because he wassaying that he needed to work or
he had some other excuse and youdismissed all of that when he
(19:03):
didn't come to see about youwhen you were sick.
Perhaps you dismissed the factthat he always wanted to know
where you were and who you werewith, but he didn't want to
share that same information.
You may not have wanted to admitthat he was controlling and you
(19:24):
accepted that behavior when hetold you what he does and
doesn't like about you and howyou dress, and your friends, and
your family, and your job, andthe, and the, and the...
Maybe you thought it was sweetand cute how he ordered for you
at the restaurant until yourealized he always orders for
(19:46):
you and you never get to makeyour own choices.
At work, you may have thoughtthat you had a boss that valued
your contributions to the teamuntil you realized they never
mention your name or give youcredit for your work.
Maybe they take the credit, butyou chalked it up and just said,
(20:07):
"It's okay.
They'll give me credit nexttime.
Right?" Or, maybe they give youcredit, but then they're
questioning your projectmanagement or other skills.
But that's okay too becauseyou'll work harder to show them
what you can do.
Maybe they praise you in publicand then ding you on your
performance reviews, alwaysgiving out a"Meets Expectations"
(20:31):
when they told you all year thatyou were"Exceeding
Expectations." And, again, yousoon realized that you haven't
been advocating for yourself,nor have you been keeping the
records you should, which wouldprove what you have done
throughout the year.
Maybe you're a business ownerand in your business, perhaps
(20:52):
you're working and buildingrelationships.
You've been networking hard.
Now there's someone who's sayingthey want to collaborate and
build together with you, yetyou're the one that's doing all
the work.
They aren't introducing you topeople as they said they would
because they're suddenly toobusy or have other priorities.
(21:13):
Maybe they're relying on you todo all the work for the
presentation only to take overthe meeting and present as if
they know everything.
And because you're excited aboutthe possible collaboration and
partnership, you don't evenbother to speak up.
You don't advocate for yourbusiness or your business ideas.
(21:34):
My point is that in mostsituations, we can look to see
what we could have donedifferently to help minimize the
situation that we find ourselvesin.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Let me be very clear about this.
I am not saying it's your faultthat he cheated or you lost
(21:55):
thousands of dollars in abusiness deal.
Or any number of other things.
The reality is, we know thatthere are those people out there
that are good at beingconniving, conning, grooming.
Taking advantage of others.
So don't use what I'm saying asa way of looking through a lens
of self-punishment andself-blame.
(22:16):
Use what I'm saying as a way oftalking to yourself and asking
yourself, What did I miss, ifanything?
What did I learn?
What will I do differently nexttime?
How will I protect myself goingforward without shutting myself
off from the people andopportunities that may come to
(22:38):
me?
I do not blame myself for whathappened to me.
I blame him because he wasconniving and manipulative.
I do not blame myself for beingexcited and eager.
I should have been.
I will not hold back from beingexcited about new opportunities
(22:59):
or being eager to make somethingcome about if it seems like a
good opportunity.
Knowing that there are peopleout there like him, though, that
would take advantage of myeagerness and my excitement?
I express my enthusiasm, but nowit's tempered.
I don't blame myself for takinga risk.
(23:21):
I learned to take risks morecautiously.
I do not blame myself foranything I did when I was
working with James.
I realized that I needed to geta little more experience,
remember my negotiation skills,and to speak up for myself
(23:41):
throughout the process.
I learned that I can stand myground, especially if I prepare
myself to walk away from asituation that is not serving my
needs, never served my needs orwas never intended to serve my
needs.
I learned, and was remindedthrough that experience, that I
(24:04):
still had a measure of controland I do not have to give up
whatever percentage of controlthat I do have.
I can wield it to my advantageor I can use my control and walk
away.
Not that I think he's listening,but if this should find a way to
him, I just simply want to say,Do Better! You were a grown
(24:33):
behind man with much businesssavvy that took advantage of
someone that was new in businessand eager to work with you.
You could have done so much morein helping a budding business
and entrepreneur.
You could have advocated for me.
You advocate helping peoplewithin our community, yet you
(24:56):
preyed on them as well.
I know I wasn't the only one.
I later found that out.
You no longer matter in my life.
Except as a lesson in the bookthat I study on what not to do
and how not to lead.
My resolve to work with honorand integrity, to be authentic,
(25:21):
regardless to what others maythink, you were part of the
reason why I do and continue todo business that way.
I did it before I met you andfor sure continued afterwards.
You almost, almost crushed myspirit and my dreams.
(25:44):
You couldn't though, because myspirit and my dreams are bigger
than you.
Thank you for being the jerkthat you were.
You helped me to closely see whoI never want to be and who I
never want to work with.
(26:06):
Those types of people.
Y'all, let's learn from theJeromes of the world.
Yeah, that's his real name.
And yes, I'm still connected tohim, in certain ways.
I did that so that I don'tforget.
I did that so I can move in theshadows and keep tabs.
(26:29):
I did that just in case the urgeto ever become petty...
Sistafriends, whatever yourcircumstances or situations are
that you're reflecting on whilelistening to this episode, I
want you to remove yourself fromblame.
(26:53):
I don't blame myself for whathappened between me and him.
Don't blame yourself forwhatever it is you are blaming
yourself for.
We are all going to learn, grow,and move on.
We don't have to forget, but wecan leave it all behind us.
(27:14):
And now that I'm here, I'm notgoing back.
And now that you're here,neither should you.
I know your time is valuable andI appreciate you choosing to
take the time to chat with metoday.
(27:35):
I hope our conversation helpedyou to see things more clearly.
If you like this episode, don'tforget to subscribe so you can
always be alerted to my newepisodes each week.
Enjoy the rest of your day ornight and let's get together
again soon for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
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