Supporting Your Spouse: A Guide to Navigating Grief Together

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SHOW DESCRIPTION

This week on Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity, I'm sharing my personal journey of navigating grief as a partner. I'll discuss supporting my husband through multiple losses while managing my own emotions. We'll explore the importance of open communication, sharing memories, and allowing ourselves to feel our grief. I'll offer practical tips that helped us grow closer during this difficult time. If you're coping with loss as a couple, this episode is for you. Let's find healing together.

 

 

TL;DR

Let’s talk about supporting a grieving partner, my experience with loss, and tips on communication and healing with your partner. If you're dealing with grief as a couple, this is for you.

 

Time Stamps

00:00 Introduction to Coffee, Cocktails, and Clarity

00:05 Understanding Grief as a Partner

01:18 Welcome and Trigger Warning

02:26 Personal Grief Journey

02:49 Significant Losses in the Family

05:05 Coping with Grief Together

08:47 Practical Tips for Managing Grief

13:01 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

13:46 Closing Remarks

 

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RESOURCES

Note: I do not have any affiliations with, sponsorships or endorsements from any of the resources mentioned. They are listed for your reference.

 

Mental Health Resources

Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 

Ph: 988

 

Psychology Today 

 

National Institute of Mental Health 

 

Sexual Violence Resources

RAIIN

Ph: 800.656.HOPE (4673)

 

Substance Abuse Resources

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services

 

Alcoholics Anonymous

 

Al-Anon Family Groups

 

Credits

Podcast Editor: Payton Cross Productions 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Coming up next on Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.
The death of a loved one leavesa gigantic hole in our soul that
can never be filled.
It's not easy to be the grievingpartner or spouse of the one who
suffered the closest loss.

(00:21):
You're navigating your grief andtheirs.
I was just orbiting around myhusband's grief while trying to
maintain control of my own.
When you are the partner orspouse of someone, you're in a
unique position.
You share special moments thatbond the two of you together.

(00:44):
Your hopes and dreams areintertwined with each other.
Your day's happiness may riseand fall on the love and support
you and your partner provideeach other when the outside
world isn't kind.
It's a special bond when youshare your life with someone
else.
You take on weights that younever knew you would or could.

(01:06):
Sometimes those weights arecompounded because of your own
emotions and feelings.
That's especially true when wetalk about grief.
Hey girl, have you been lookingfor a safe space for women to
have authentic conversationsaround everything that impacts

(01:27):
our life, careers, andrelationships?
I'm Shai Boston, and on thisshow, I talk about all things
connected to our personal andprofessional development so we
can live our best and authenticlives.
Grab a drink.
Sit back and let's have a chat.
It's time for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.

(01:50):
Trigger warning.
This particular episode divesinto the topic of grief and
mental health.
If you are not currently in aposition to listen to this
episode, I encourage you tolisten to my next episode where
we will talk about other topicsthat may be of interest to you.
If you need immediate care,please see the show notes

(02:11):
because, as always, there arelinks and numbers to any number
of resources available to assistyou when you are ready to reach
out.
Take care of yourself first.
You can always come back to thisepisode later.
Today I am again sipping on myCafe Bustello.
I wanted something comforting todrink as we talk about a

(02:31):
particular topic that ischallenging for many of us.
So I'm going to take my sip.
I want you to take your sip.
Good.
Now, let's get into it.
November 4, 2016.

(02:53):
December 24, 2018.
December 29, 2021.
Three dates that rocked myhusband's family: the date his
mother passed, his youngersister and her unborn child
passed, and the date his fatherpassed.

(03:16):
Out of respect for my family, Iwon't go into details about each
of their passings, but I willsay that each one was harder for
various reasons.
Ma, that's what I call mymother-in-law, wasn't
necessarily unexpected, but ithappened sooner than we thought.

(03:37):
My sister-in-law was completelyunexpected.
It was tragic and devastating.
Dad, my father-in-law, we knewwas going to happen, but we
still just weren't ready.
What made his passing evenharder was that my husband had

(03:59):
moved back to Florida to takecare of him.
He and I were separated for awhole year while he cared for
his dad and his dad's affairsafter his passing.
It doesn't matter how each ofthem passed, what matters is the
impact the loss had on ourfamily.

(04:20):
I've often described death asthat loud, earth-shaking crack
that happens only in our world.
There's a shift in the balanceof the earth.
A glitch in the matrix, if youwill.
It's the movie scene where timeis moving fast, but you're

(04:44):
standing still.
No matter what your beliefs areabout what happens to those who
pass away, the one reality forall of us is that the death of a
loved one leaves a gigantic holein our soul that can never be
filled.

(05:05):
These feelings are even morecompounded when you are the
spouse or partner of someonewho's lost family or close
friends, so dear to them.
I didn't realize how compoundedthose feelings are until I
received a text from mysisterfriend, Janyetta one day
that said,"How are you friend?

(05:28):
I know you had your ownrelationship with your
father-in-law, too.
How are you?" It was the firsttime someone asked me about me
and my relationship with myfather-in-law, or any of the
other family members that werenow sleeping in death.

(05:49):
I felt seen and I felt validatedin my emotions.
He was important to me too.
He was my other father.
He made me laugh.
He told tall tales.
He gave me advice.
He was the angel investor in mybusiness so I could launch it.

(06:12):
This man had been in my life forwell over 20 years, just like my
mother-in-law and mysister-in-law, and they were all
gone.
Our small family, got evensmaller.
I ached for each and every oneof them, but I found it hard to

(06:38):
show.
When your spouse or partner isgrieving, you end up taking on
the role of being the strong oneand that's why we end up putting
ourselves on the back burner.
There's nothing wrong with that.
It's something that does need tobe done momentarily.

(06:59):
We may step back while ourpartner or spouse makes the
final arrangements.
We lend our advice and guidancein the background when it comes
to finalizing the loved one'saffairs.
We may encourage our partner orspouse to spend time with their
family, other friends, or thechildren of the ones we lost.

(07:20):
We make sure that they eat andtake care of themselves.
We hold it down when they can't.
There's a word of cautionthough.
Holding down, shouldn't meanswallowing our own feelings,

(07:40):
yet, usually, it does.
From personal experience, I didthat for about five years until
it was one of the reasons thatdrove me into therapy.
Because I was grieving too and Iwas not handling my grief very

(08:01):
well.
I don't always cry in front ofmy husband or my older
sister-in-law and her family.
They were shedding their owntears.
I didn't always say the names ormentioned our loved ones without
feeling like I was walking oneggshells, not because they
would be angry, but because Iwasn't always sure if it was

(08:23):
going to evoke a happy feelingor a sad one.
I didn't talk about my owngrief, what I missed about each
of our family members or my lovefor them, unless my husband or
my sister mentioned somethingfirst.
That was me swallowing myfeelings, my grief, instead of

(08:45):
sharing it.
While I'm not a grief counseloror a therapist, here's some
things that did eventually helpme work through my grief while
supporting my husband throughhis: I listened when he talked
about his grief, even invitedhim to talk about it, then I

(09:06):
would share mine.
This way he knew he wasn't alonein his feelings, and he also
knew that I was still grieving.
When he would bring up happymemories, I would share some of
my favorite memories.
If something reminded me of Ma,Dad or our sister and made me
laugh or smile, I would share itand laugh and smile.

(09:31):
For example, my in-laws knewthat I love the song Brick House
by the Commodores.
One of my favorite memories wasgetting into their car when they
came to visit, and mymother-in-law insisted I turned
the radio on.
When I did, they had Brick Houseplaying on the radio, and we all
had a good laugh about that.

(09:52):
When there were moments that Ifelt overwhelmed with my grief,
I would take the time to cryprivately and say a prayer,
which works for me.
Sometimes I'd share that with myhusband.
Either way, I was able toexpress my grief.

(10:13):
To manage my grief I leaned intomy faith.
I'd talk with my friends, and Iwould also take the time to feel
what I felt in the momentinstead of ignoring it.
Most importantly, it was thetalking and sharing with each
other, my husband and I, inquiet moments that helped us

(10:37):
draw closer together in ourgrief.
It was challenging for usbecause I couldn't be there with
him when his father was sick andwhen he passed.
I couldn't be there for thefinal goodbyes.
I was literally on FaceTime withthem during those moments.

(10:57):
I had my own health challengesat the time, and we were still
in the thick of the pandemic, soI didn't get to see and hug my
husband in person to comfort himuntil he came home almost two
months after his father passedfor a brief weekend visit.
That's when I could look him inthe eyes and say, I'm sorry

(11:19):
about your father." And give himthe biggest and longest
comforting hug I could manage atthe time.
It's not easy to be the grievingpartner or spouse of the one who
suffered the closest loss, evenwhen it's a shared loss like a
family member or a familyfriend, it's challenging.

(11:41):
You're navigating your grief andtheirs.
It's not easy, but it can bedone.
It may take one or both of yougoing to therapy or grief
counselors.
It may take you putting forththe effort to share your
feelings with each other.
It's worth the effort and it canbe done.

(12:05):
When I look back on the lastseveral years, I was just
orbiting around my husband'sgrief while trying to maintain
control of my own.
Now we navigate it together andit's been easier to bear.
We smile together when we hear"Caribbean Queen" which was

(12:28):
dad's favorite song.
When something exciting happens,we say,"Mom would say,"Ooh, I
have goosebumps."" And when- andwhen we think about my
sister-in-law, who had thebiggest heart, we think about
how she was the best mom to mynephew, she loved dancing to

(12:53):
reggae music.
So when I hear a song and startgrooving I do a little extra
groove just for her.
Please, don't swallow down yourfeelings of grief.
Embrace the memories of yourloved ones and share them with
your spouse or partner.
Navigate this challenging timetogether.

(13:17):
It may be just a short amount oftime, or it could be months,
even years.
But doing so together brings youcloser together, and I hope that
during that time your bond doesbecome much closer to each
other.

(13:39):
And, just know, that I am trulyand sincerely sorry for your
loss.
I know your time is valuable andI appreciate you choosing to
take the time to chat with metoday.
I hope our conversation helpedyou to see things more clearly.
If you like this episode, don'tforget to subscribe so you can

(14:02):
always be alerted to my newepisodes each week.
Enjoy the rest of your day ornight and let's get together
again soon for some Coffee,Cocktails, and Clarity.