July 2, 2025 • 41 mins
This week on Coffee Unlimited with J&D, Janelle and Danielle dive into the honest reality of motherhood—and why lowering the bar just might be the secret to more joy, peace, and presence.
From bathrobes at school drop-off to ski pants as brunch wear, the pressure to be the “perfect mom” is real—and exhausting. The conversation explores where these expectations come from, how to let them go, and what happens when we finally give ourselves (and each other) grace.
Janelle and Danielle get real about body image, lunchbox stress, and letting go of appearances—while still showing up for the moments that matter most. This one’s for every parent who needs to hear: you’re doing better than you think.
In this episode:
- Releasing perfectionism and redefining "good enough"
- How to stop tying self-worth to how clean your house is or how well you pack lunches
- The emotional rollercoaster of postpartum body image
- Parenting from presence, not pressure
- Tips for embracing grace—plus practical strategies that actually work
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hey everyone, welcome to Coffee Unlimited with
J&D.
Janelle and with my co-hostDanielle.
Today we're going to be talkingabout lowering the bar of
motherhood.
Danielle and I both have kidsand we've both experienced the
(00:25):
pressure of being perfect, youknow, or being this version of a
mother that I don't know if it'ssociety and it places on us or
maybe we We think that's how itshould be or we compare
ourselves.
So we're going to kind of diveinto this a bit about where do
(00:46):
these expectations come from andhow can we...
truly like make it normal tolower the bar.
And I know that sounds bad, butI think Danielle and I have both
have found places where we canbe more, you know, a little more
graceful to ourselves and lowerour expectations and everything
(01:10):
has been fine and everybody winsin that case, I think.
So we're going to talk aboutthat today.
But before we jump into it,Danielle, I'm curious, what's
important to you this week?
What have you been focused on?
SPEAKER_02 (01:23):
Thanks for asking that, Janelle.
Well, I'm really excited aboutthis conversation.
And something that's been on mymind this past week is prepping
for my retreat in Mexico.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's coming up.
I have people who have beencoming every year.
So I want to make sure that it'snot copy and paste content, that
(01:50):
the activities are different.
And every retreat I do, there'sa focus.
So this focus is going to be onthe kleshas, which are
Patanjali's yoga sutras aboutthe five causes of suffering.
And I know it sounds heavy.
It's like, we're going to talkabout suffering.
(02:11):
But I thought in Mexico, yeah,in Mexico, on the beach.
But what I like to do is look atthe opposite.
Like, okay, we can do that workof going through the ego and
detachment and fear.
But what is the byproduct ofworking through that?
So each day, we're focusing onsomething like the first day's
(02:35):
presence and then like the lastday's awareness.
So we're not going to be goinglike, okay, today we're going to
detach from the ego.
We will be working on that, butwith the outcome of awareness or
spirit or acceptance.
(02:55):
So that's what I've been workingon this week.
SPEAKER_00 (02:58):
Oh, good.
That's amazing.
And how many, how long until youhead out for your retreat?
treat.
SPEAKER_02 (03:04):
We are, the retreat starts May 10th.
I always arrive one or two daysearlier just because I don't
want to be, you know, goingthrough customs and doing all
that travel and unpacking whileI'm also receiving the group.
So Scott and I will come down,we'll head down a day earlier so
I can be rested.
And then when everybody arrives,it's like
SPEAKER_00 (03:26):
ready.
Oh, and do your kids, do yourkids join you on your retreat
sometimes?
SPEAKER_02 (03:31):
Yes, they do.
Blanca has been coming to almostall of Wow.
SPEAKER_00 (03:42):
Fair enough.
You know, there's a point,there's a, there's a time in
your life where you can eatanything you want.
And I do think that you need tograb onto it and enjoy it while
you can, because I had, I had areally good mentor when I was in
(04:02):
my early twenties.
She was actually my hulainstructor, my hula teacher.
She, I used to eat I mean, Istill eat pretty badly, but I
ate really badly in my early20s.
And she used to always tell me,she's like, she'd say, Janelle,
enjoy it now while you can,because when you hit 28,
everything changes.
And I don't know why it was 28,but she always said, when you
(04:25):
hit 28, you got to start eatingbetter.
And by golly, if she wasn'tright.
So I think good on Blanca, likeeat whatever you want to eat.
Don't do those healthy retreatsright now.
And you can do that later inlife.
I
SPEAKER_02 (04:40):
know.
She's like, I don't need thislike vegetable and protein,
local foods and juices.
I just want like, she wouldwant, she was craving like
sashimi.
Well, I mean, it was stillpretty healthy when she was
craving, but she was like, Ijust want a salmon maki.
And I'm like, you're not goingto get that here.
We're in Mexico.
Like on this, I like this likelittle, little beach, private
(05:04):
beach.
There's no salmon maki.
Okay.
UNKNOWN (05:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (05:09):
Well, I like that she is saying what she wants and
expressing that and doing whatshe wants to do.
Good for her.
Good for her.
Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Thanks for sharing, Danielle.
Let's.
talk about our topic for today.
And that is about lowering thebar of motherhood.
I mean, we're kind of talkingabout that with healthy foods
(05:29):
right now.
I think that we constantly eatwhat they want.
SPEAKER_02 (05:35):
You and I constantly talk about lowering the bar with
motherhood, right?
I
SPEAKER_00 (05:42):
mean, lowering the bar in a lot of things.
Our apparel, we're like, we justwear sweats today.
Yeah, let's just wear sweats.
Sweats all
SPEAKER_02 (05:51):
day long.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (05:55):
that's right.
(06:22):
only lead to at some point beingdisappointed or resentful or
something.
There's a negative experience onthat path.
And so I think the earlier thatwe all can really break down
(06:44):
perfectionism the happier we canbe or the happier we will be.
So we joke about this becauseit's funny and people don't
usually admit that they'retrying to lower the bar or lower
expectations.
But there's a, there's a methodto the madness.
I think, you know, what, whatwe're doing is creating more
(07:05):
grace, creating space for joyand happiness and imperfection.
Because if you're seekingperfection, you're, you're just
going to be stressed and, anddisappointed.
So, um, Let's talk aboutmotherhood because it's real for
us.
Your kids are out of the housenow in terms of their age.
(07:25):
My kids are kind of high school,middle school age.
When do you think you will kindof take me through your journey
of motherhood?
And did you feel early onpressure to be good at it all
and to have high expectations onyourself?
And when did that change?
SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
No, I think it started just even being a woman
and being pregnant.
Like just with our culture, oursociety, we're seeing pregnant
women wear heels, doing theirhair and all this.
So there was this kind of likebar for me to look presentable.
SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
It's
SPEAKER_02 (08:09):
always kind of in the background.
Yeah.
Like, okay, am I looking cuteenough?
Do I have like the rightmaternity clothes or this and
that?
And I remember just showing upone day when I drove the girls
to school in my bathrobe.
We've all been there.
(08:31):
We've all hit that point.
I was like, F this.
I need to get them to school.
And I actually needed to get outtoo.
So it wasn't just that I was inmy car.
I got out and I was walkingaround.
Presentable.
Presentable.
Presenting yourselfunpresentable.
(08:53):
Exactly.
In my brown fleece Costco robe.
Which I still have and stillwear daily.
But yet I just thought I'm goingto just walk around like this.
Like, okay, I don't have my acttogether moms.
SPEAKER_01 (09:09):
Like I am
SPEAKER_02 (09:09):
just barely keeping it together
SPEAKER_01 (09:11):
here.
SPEAKER_02 (09:12):
When our girls were young at that time, my mother
was going through cancer too.
So I really felt this kind oflike sandwich generation of
caring for our two children andAnd then caring for my mother
and also having a full-time job.
So that was when I had juststarted at Lululemon.
(09:32):
So high growth, especially whenyou start a new job, it's all
about like, well, it was for meabout, I want to prove my worth
and all of that.
So I was going quote unquoteabove and beyond that.
and trying to do that in allareas of my life.
SPEAKER_01 (09:48):
And
SPEAKER_02 (09:50):
it was just like, this isn't working.
It's time for the bathrobe andwho cares what other people
think.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
Yeah.
Well, like I said, we all hitthe point because it's
unsustainable when you have somany different hats that you
wear as a human being and, andgoing through, you know, a sick,
You know, parent is is a lot,you know, emotionally and from a
(10:16):
time perspective and whatnot inyour attention and your focus.
And so you really can't beeverywhere and you can't do
everything.
And and so so we hit that point.
Now, I have a question for you,though, because I remember when
I hit the point, but it wasn'tthat I accepted lowering the
standards.
I actually was mad at myself.
(10:36):
I felt like I failed.
Mine was in a bathrobe.
I wasn't taking the kids.
Yeah.
(11:04):
Carl was home so he could watchher and I was heading out and I
just couldn't find anything thatfit, that felt good.
You know, like pants,specifically pants.
Oh yeah.
And this is, it was June and Iwas heading out to Starbucks and
it was a warm day and I walkedout with ski pants on because
literally the only thing thatcould get that could fit me that
(11:28):
was clean, too.
That was the thing that wasclean and fit me were these ski
pants.
And so I was like sloshing likethrough the house.
And I remember Carl being like,what's that?
You know, what's going on?
And I was like,
SPEAKER_02 (11:41):
the muumuu.
SPEAKER_00 (11:42):
Where's the muumuu when we need it?
Right.
That needs to get back in style.
And I remember telling Carl, I'mlike, don't ask.
It's the only thing that fits.
And I slammed the door likebehind me and I drove off like
sweating one because I waswearing ski pants and it was
hot, but two, like I was just soworked up and mad because I'd
been shuffling through mydrawers and I'm like, I'm
(12:04):
putting on the ski pants.
I don't care.
And, and I remember when thathappened, but I didn't have that
moment of, you know what, I'mgoing to give myself grace.
I'm going to lower, you know,it's, it's, I'm putting too much
pressure on myself to look goodright now and to, and to, you
know, find something that fitsperfectly and my body's changing
all that.
No, I was actually reallyfrustrated.
(12:26):
And probably the reason thatstory sticks in my head so much
was it was so unpleasant.
You know, I was so frustratedwith my body at the time.
And, you know, this, I rememberI was also frustrated with this
sense that I had like only 30minutes before I needed to come
home and feed Sophia because Iwas breastfeeding.
(12:46):
So I'm curious when you say youhit that point and you were
wearing the robe, did youcontinue to give yourself grace
and be like, you know what, thisis okay.
I can go out like this.
Or did you try to makeappearances again and look good
again?
SPEAKER_02 (13:06):
I gave up on trying to look good a long time ago.
amen i remember was like withthe girls so this is gonna be
maybe totally unfiltered coffeeunlimited conversations here but
how my breasts completelydeflated after gabby after my
(13:28):
second oh
SPEAKER_00 (13:29):
my gosh same same it was after the second it was like
something out of nationalgeographic yeah well
SPEAKER_02 (13:35):
yeah
SPEAKER_00 (13:36):
It was like a gorilla in National Geographic.
They were just sagging in likethe weirdest shape.
So
SPEAKER_02 (13:45):
it was actually that time.
That's when I was teaching and Iwasn't teaching yoga.
Well, no, I actually was juststarting to teach yoga, but I
was teaching yoga at fitnessstudios.
So all these other moms werecoming in with implants.
They were looking cute and allthis.
So I actually went to see aplastic surgeon.
Okay.
(14:05):
I started to say, okay, I'mthinking about getting breast
implants.
walk me through the process.
So she started telling me whatthe process was.
And while this doctor wastalking to me, I was thinking to
myself, wait a second, hold on.
I'm paying you to cut me forpathetic reasons.
(14:27):
I'm like, what the F is going onwith me?
So like back up.
I was like, oh no, I can't dothis.
That's when I really started toget into yoga because So my
first teacher training was allabout the physical, but then I
started to really learn aboutthe more mindful aspects of the
practice and get into more ofthe spirituality.
And it's all about letting go ofthis body, right?
(14:50):
I mean, caring for the physicalbody for sure, but not having
this like absolute attachment tothe body because our bodies are
constantly changing.
If we look at a photo ofourselves as infants, We're
like, oh my gosh, that's me.
That's Janelle as a baby.
Clearly, you are not that samebody.
(15:10):
I really feel like the practiceof yoga from a spiritual
perspective really supported me.
in not being as attached to whatI look like.
SPEAKER_01 (15:23):
And
SPEAKER_02 (15:24):
also the realization too, that I have two daughters.
So what am I going to say tothem?
Like looks don't matter, but inmy case, they kind of do.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (15:36):
that's the thing.
So a couple of things for me,when I was listening to you, I
wish, I think, you know, I wishwe all could have the, or take
the time or have the opportunityto work on that, that mindset
(15:57):
that you're talking about thatyou develop around not attaching
to the body and, and what itlooks like.
And, and because there's so, somuch unhealthy talk out there
about bodies and unhealthymindsets about our bodies.
(16:17):
And I'm still working on it.
You know, I like to considermyself someone that is evolved
in that sense.
And I'm not attached to what mybody looks like.
And I recognize that 20 year oldJanelle is not the same as 45
year old Janelle or 60 year oldJanelle or 70 year old Janelle.
Like, um, Intellectually, I knowthat.
(16:41):
But that ego is so strong.
The ego is so strong and wantsto, for me, wants to constantly
reminisce about the past andwhat I used to look like.
And I know it's unhealthy.
I totally know it's unhealthy,but I have my ups and downs with
it.
There are moments where I'mreally, really centered and
(17:03):
grounded and grounded in who Iam as a soul.
and not as the body.
And then there are times whenit's not, I'm not there.
And I don't, you know, Iprobably should try to figure
out what the correlation is.
Like I'm curious if when I'mmore tired and if there is a
correlation to like my ego takesover or my subconscious mind
(17:27):
takes over and these negativethoughts start creeping in or if
it's something else, if it'swhen I'm scrolling on Instagram
you know, social media, if thattriggers it, you know, I'm not,
I'm not sure what it is.
Um, but I think, you know, manypeople struggle with it.
So it's one of those things as,as moms that have, um, bodies
(17:50):
that have changed quitedrastically in our national
geographic way.
Um, How do we that's a reallygood one to lower expectations
on we should all be open tolowering our expectations on you
know what our bodies, how ourbodies age.
Truly.
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (18:12):
I mean, I do want to just say that I don't feel like,
I mean, I'm still working onthis too, Janelle.
I get into that space ofcomparison and my muffin top and
actually in the yoga scene, whenI open up my Instagram and I'm
seeing all these 28 year oldsize twos doing these inversions
(18:32):
and they look amazing in their,in their tight clothes.
But that's why I think havingsome boundaries with, with
Instagram or anything else andmaking sure that I've, I'm well
rested, fed, I'm not hangry oranything like that before I
(18:54):
start looking at these things.
UNKNOWN (18:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (18:57):
And just wearing four-way stretch.
I mean, you know, I got it.
Four-way stretch is a gamechanger.
Yeah.
Like it's pretty comfortablewearing, wearing all this
athletic.
SPEAKER_00 (19:09):
It's comfortable and kind of keeps some things in,
you know, so that's kind ofnice.
Yeah.
I, so I have though had, eventhough early on, I felt like a
failure in many ways.
And I was not meeting the bar.
I had a high bar, wasn't meetingit, was disappointed in myself
(19:32):
constantly.
I did reach a point though,where I started to intentionally
lower expectations on myself, onthe house, you know, like how
clean the house is, things likethat.
SPEAKER_02 (19:44):
Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00 (19:45):
Yeah.
Lowering expectations on gettingplaces on time.
There was a number of thingsthat I started to be more
lenient about or like kind oflike that don't sweat the small
stuff kind of mentality.
And I was successful in likeintentionally doing it and
sticking with it.
And one of the areas that I'vereally lowered the bar is my
(20:08):
kids lunches.
SPEAKER_01 (20:09):
So
SPEAKER_00 (20:09):
I actually learned this from my boss at Vancity.
She taught me this about her ownkids' lunches and I adopted it
and I'm thrilled about itbecause I used to totally sweat
over the kids' lunches becausethe school that the kids go to,
there's no hot lunch.
So you have to pack a cold lunchevery single day.
(20:32):
And I'm just at a loss forcreativity around healthy
lunches, probably because Idon't eat that healthy myself,
as healthy as I should.
And, you know, with schoollunches, you have to avoid nuts
and strawberries and a varietyof things you have to avoid.
Well, and you also have threekids.
So I just have to hand it toyou, Janelle.
(20:54):
Three lunches.
three lunches.
And it was just kind of this,the bane of my existence was
making these immaculate, funlunches for them that would keep
them excited.
And, you know, because they werecomparing their lunches to other
lunches.
So I felt like I needed to likehave an A game of lunches.
You know what, though?
I don't.
(21:15):
And so what I do is I actuallydon't make their lunches at all.
I keep the pantry stocked withnut-free packaged things.
So I'm not against packagedproducts.
But what I also have are, Ialways have fruit available in
the house and I always havevegetables cut.
(21:36):
So like pre-cut cucumbers, allmy kids love cucumber.
So pre-cut cucumber, carrots,peppers, like red bell peppers,
orange bell peppers.
Sometimes there's celery cut.
They don't eat the celery asmuch.
So I find if I have that, thatgoes to waste.
So I try to just do things Iknow they'll eat.
SPEAKER_01 (21:53):
And
SPEAKER_00 (21:54):
they know that they have to grab some vegetables and
some fruit.
And then after that, as muchpackaged stuff as they want,
granola bars, chips, anything.
Because what my boss had toldme, she's like, I make sure they
eat a good breakfast.
The lunch, it just needs to getthem enough energy to get
through the day so that then wehave a good dinner.
(22:16):
So when I started to realize,yeah, like, The lunch itself
doesn't have to be perfectbecause there's two other meals
that we have a little bit morecontrol over.
And that has been...
life changing for me because Idon't worry about it anymore.
I'm not overthinking it of like,Oh, do they have protein?
(22:37):
And do they have this?
And do they have that?
You know, we'll just make surethey get some good protein at
dinner.
And everyone's happy becausethey pick out the stuff they
want half the time.
They didn't like what I put inthere anyway.
And it would come back at theend of the day, which then would
just make me even more angrybecause I spent so much time
preparing it.
So that's something I'velowered.
(22:58):
School lunches.
Lowered the bar.
And I haven't looked back.
And they're perfectly fine.
That's such a creative solution.
They're thriving.
SPEAKER_02 (23:10):
I love that too.
Cause then they have theautonomy to choose what they
want with some boundaries oflike, you've got to have these
vegetables and fruit and thenyou can choose all your packing.
SPEAKER_00 (23:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, good.
What about you?
Do you have any, um, successstories on lowering the bar or
how, how have you lowered thebar for yourself?
SPEAKER_02 (23:32):
Well, when you were saying like, okay, good
breakfast and good dinner, Ithought, Oh, I'm not sure if, if
If I had either of thosebreakfast or good dinner, I
mean, dinners, dinners werelike, I mean, this is where I
would cut cucumbers and havelike miso with sesame oil.
(23:54):
And it's like, okay, girls,we're going to have this and
some popcorn.
Right.
So there were a lot of nightslike that too, or just picking
up food because they, when theywere younger, they were always
in ballet.
UNKNOWN (24:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (24:08):
They're in ballet almost every day.
And there was this great congeeplace in Vancouver.
So I would just pick somethingup there.
And I think for me, it wasreally about trying not to
compare how I was doing withother moms.
Because I told you about thatone mom who was making a roast
(24:29):
on a Tuesday night, who also hada full-time job too.
So it made me feel even worseabout that.
I was like, how is she able todo this?
But I'm not.
SPEAKER_01 (24:39):
But
SPEAKER_02 (24:40):
yeah, I really lowered the expectation there,
lowered the bar on all meals.
SPEAKER_00 (24:46):
Well, that's great.
You know, and when I say a gooddinner or a good breakfast,
that's, I guess I shouldclarify, I'm not...
cooking a three course meal.
I'm not cooking.
I don't cook at all.
I don't actually cook.
My husband cooks.
If he's not here, then it'swhatever's in the fridge or
whatever's in the pantry.
And it's totally fine.
(25:07):
I do think that it's, we have torealize that our kids will be
okay.
You know, most, you know, forthe most part, um, they're
getting what they need and thisis a, you know, a period of
their life.
Um, so yeah, I like that.
And for breakfast, um, you know,our go-to is actually making
oatmeal, like just from oats.
(25:28):
Um, cause we used to always havethe packaged oatmeal, the little
packets, but I realized itactually was super easy just to
make the oats in a pan.
And then we add our own maplesyrup to it and some brown sugar
and they love that.
And I think, um, oatmeal is a,is a really good breakfast.
We always have, always haveyogurt available and granola
because the kids love that.
(25:49):
So that's an easy breakfast thatthey have with some fruit in it,
but nothing like we're notcooking pancakes and bacon and
stuff like that.
It's just simple, but you know,yeah.
kind of as balanced as possible.
SPEAKER_01 (26:04):
Now,
SPEAKER_02 (26:06):
if we think about like where we got, I mean, I
know with society too, but thiscomparison and perfectionism,
I'm curious to know what wasyour mom like?
Was she like, you know, makingall your meals and how was it
like for you growing up?
SPEAKER_00 (26:23):
Yeah.
So, um, My mom worked.
She was a teacher.
And so in the summer, she washome with us.
But, you know, in the weekdays,she was working during the day.
We had a lot of like Schwann'smeals, you know, like the
Schwann's man that deliveredfrozen meats and stuff like
(26:44):
that.
And we had kind of we weretotally exhausted.
good eating in front of the TV.
It was very casual is what Iwould say and not very strict.
And, and I don't, you know, Ithink I thought it was great.
When I was growing up, we didn'tsit around a dinner table every
(27:04):
night.
Like I think some families,particularly in that era, you
know, when we were kids, I thinkthere were, you know, probably
more than today, families thatsat down at the dinner table
every single night and, youknow, there was the cooked meal.
We didn't have that.
So I would say no.
that reflects in how I approachdinner too.
(27:24):
Like you, I'm perfectly finejust cutting up a variety of
vegetables and just getting outsome leftovers or even like some
instant ramen and that's finefor dinner.
Like I don't have highexpectations about cooking a
meal and I don't like to cook.
I didn't learn to cook from mymom and I'm not trying to pass
(27:47):
any family recipes down.
So yeah, where I do, used tocompare myself to my mom a lot
was my mom had our, our housewas always very tidy and clutter
free.
Um, and I don't, I honestlydon't know when she did it.
Like, cause we didn't havesomeone clean our house, you
know?
Um, Somehow she did it and Ididn't notice.
(28:10):
I don't know.
But the house is always veryclean and tidy.
And so that's like I am not ableto keep a clean house.
It's just not my strength.
So when our house was messy, Iwould get frustrated.
And I believe my frustrationcame from this like these
visions of my own.
childhood being tidy.
And then when I would look atour house, I would feel like a
(28:33):
failure.
Like I'd feel like, why can't Ido this?
What is going on here?
Is it that my kids don't respectme when I tell them to pick up
their things?
And my mom was able to get myrespect.
Like, what was it?
But I used to get prettyfrustrated.
And that's an area where I havelearned to let go of that.
(28:55):
Like the house doesn't have tobe perfect and tidy all the
time.
And if someone comes over, I'mokay with them seeing the house
untidy.
Like I'm not one to bescrambling to clean the house
and make it tidy.
I mean, I'll pick some stuff upthat's easy, but I'm not going
(29:15):
to...
stop someone from coming overbecause i feel like the house
isn't tidy enough because i justdon't think it reflects on who i
am like it's not my identity andit doesn't it doesn't reflect my
worth um but somehow we webelieve that right like some
(29:35):
somewhere along the way And I dothink social media plays a big
part of it.
You know, I don't know.
You know, our parents didn'thave social media, so I don't
know what was going through mymom's mind when I was a kid.
I don't know if she wascomparing herself to others or
if she had high expectations onherself or if she was just doing
(29:56):
what her mom did.
I'm not really sure.
But what I do know is if we'reever beating ourselves up about
anything, that's not...
that's not good.
Like we shouldn't, we shouldn'tbe beating ourselves up.
Like we're not bad people.
So, you know, we're not harmingpeople.
(30:17):
We're not, we're not badindividuals.
So we shouldn't be beatingourselves up.
And so anytime I find myselftalking down to myself or being
disappointed in myself, to me,that's a cue that I need to let
go of some sort of expectationthat I've made up in my mind.
SPEAKER_02 (30:37):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(31:08):
That is the goal, just to becontent.
And I think that, you know,making sure there are no crumbs
or the...
Sheets are ironed.
I have never ironed a sheet.
I don't,
SPEAKER_00 (31:22):
I don't own an iron.
If I need to get wrinkles out ofanything, I throw it in the
dryer for a little bit.
We literally don't have an ironin our house.
SPEAKER_02 (31:35):
Anytime I've had to iron something.
I mean, it's probably only beena couple of times.
SPEAKER_01 (31:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (31:40):
like some speaking engagement or something, Scott
will iron the shirt for me.
I'm like, thank you.
Because I don't know how toiron.
But yeah, it's just likelowering the bar and being okay
with it.
Crumbs are okay.
Okay, if the floors are notabsolutely perfect.
SPEAKER_00 (31:59):
Yeah, because at the end of the day, it's all about
giving grace to ourselves and toother moms out there, you know,
not projecting on others andmaking others feel less than,
you know, if, if something, iftheir kid is late, if they show
up late to school, you know,cause you know, I always think
about that.
Like, like my kid, I drive mytwo younger kids to school and
(32:22):
they're late sometimes and theyget in trouble by their teacher.
And I always think to myself,like, why get mad at the kid?
It clearly wasn't their fault.
Like I drove.
UNKNOWN (32:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (32:32):
I'm the one who's late.
But okay.
But yeah, I remember when ourkids were little, there was this
other mom that was always like,speeding through and dropping
her kids off late, you know, andI remember like, there was a
moment where I was like, oh,there's so and so again late.
(32:52):
And now I'm like, shame on me,you know, like, Because now I
know what it's like and we needto give each other grace more
and not judge others if they'regoing through some hard stuff
and they can't do it all.
They can't get their kids outthe door on time because they've
got a million other things thatthey're responsible for.
SPEAKER_02 (33:15):
That is the hardest thing.
I remember getting the kids outthe door on time was just one of
the most stressful activities ofthe day because they're like,
they're kind of like puppieswhere there's no concept of
time.
Like, no, we need to hurry.
Like school starts at this time.
My first meeting is at thistime, but it's like, no, no.
(33:38):
What should I wear?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:42):
What was it this morning?
Oh yeah.
My oldest couldn't find hershoes.
So that was a whole thing andnever did find them.
So who knows where they are, butthat was looking for quite a
while and settled for anotherpair.
But yeah, but it's okay.
You know, what, it's not, it'snot going to harm them as
(34:03):
individuals at all.
Um, we got to stop thisperfectionism.
SPEAKER_02 (34:07):
Oh yeah.
If there's anything that youwould want the younger version
of Janelle, young mom version ofJanelle to know, what would it
be?
SPEAKER_00 (34:23):
Yeah.
Um, I think what I've learned asI got older was that it's okay
that my purpose as a human isnot about my kids.
Meaning, I think when I wasfirst having kids, like you
(34:46):
said, I have three.
I don't know if it wasself-inflicted.
There was something in me thatfelt...
The pressure to devote myself tothe kids and that my purpose in
life was like fulfilled withthese kids, you know, and my
identity was now a mother.
(35:07):
And that was the most importantrole I had.
And what I've.
learned is that it is a rolethat I have.
I chose to have kids and I havekids.
My purpose isn't kids.
I could be just as whole andfulfilled if I didn't have any
kids as a human.
It doesn't take away from anyoneif they don't have kids.
(35:29):
And it's just an aspect of who Iam now that I have kids.
But what I think my role as amom is to teach these, teach our
kids how to find joy in life andhow to navigate challenges, um,
that they will face and havesome resilience.
(35:49):
Um, because I think childhoodis, it is a perfect sandbox for
going through a sense ofbelonging and a sense of not
belonging.
All these things that wenavigate as adults as well.
And I know it feels like the endall be all when you're a child,
(36:12):
because you're emotional, you'restill growing your emotional
ability.
But the beauty of being a childis, you have some adult figure
in your life.
Maybe it's your grandparents.
Maybe it's your parents.
Maybe it's one parent.
Maybe it's two.
Maybe it's multiple parents.
But there are adult figures inyour life that can help you
(36:33):
think through what happened andtalk through what happened.
And so...
I always want to be there to beable to navigate with the kids,
the things they're going throughand to talk through those things
to help them always find joy andto give themselves grace.
So I make it a priority.
When I say I'm prioritizingfamily at any given time, that's
(36:53):
what I'm prioritizing.
I'm prioritizing my attentionand my presence with them to
help them navigate something andto help them navigate life
because they will be adultseventually and they will
navigate it on their own whenthey're older.
So, it's, so I think as myyounger self, it wasn't to make
(37:15):
sure that the kids, you know,my, my job wasn't to make sure
the kids had the best schoolingand, you know, all the best
things and that my purpose isthrough them, which is kind of
how I approached it early on.
No, my purpose is to navigatelife with them.
And as they go through all thedifferent stages of a child,
(37:38):
infant toddler, you know, goingto school for the first time,
you know, having friends andrelationships and, you know,
failed tests, you know, gettinga bad grade, all these things
that feel are new for them andfeel heavy and are hard and
difficult.
I'm just helping them make senseof it.
(37:59):
and navigate it.
And that's all.
So that's, I think, and I'velearned that later in life.
So there are times when Iprioritize them, like I'm
prioritizing them, but it's notbecause my identity is a mother,
you know?
Yeah.
I
SPEAKER_02 (38:18):
love that navigating life with them.
SPEAKER_00 (38:21):
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about you?
What would you give?
What advice would you giveyounger Danielle?
I feel
SPEAKER_02 (38:34):
like I was really stressed out for the first
several years of their lives.
SPEAKER_01 (38:41):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (38:41):
So that's probably, yeah.
Giving myself grace, be late, beokay with the mess.
UNKNOWN (38:49):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (38:50):
Because
SPEAKER_02 (38:51):
like you said, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't.
At the end of the day, it'sabout the relationships that we
have with them.
And that's not about whether,you know, the house is cleaned
or I had lunch or anything.
I mean, you know, baseline, theywere fed.
Not always the best food.
(39:12):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (39:14):
It's okay.
It's okay if they have a bowl ofgoldfish crackers, you know?
That could be dinner one night.
One night of goldfish is notgoing to hurt them.
SPEAKER_02 (39:24):
Exactly.
Or using the TV as a babysitter.
I know moms who beat themselvesup about, like, I'm using the
TV.
It's like, you got to take careof yourself in a shower.
Do what works.
Yeah.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (39:41):
I
SPEAKER_02 (39:43):
think it's that about being okay with not being
perfect, not striving, justletting go of the striving for
perfectionism.
SPEAKER_00 (39:52):
Oh, I love it.
I love it because when we I cango back to this and you strive
for perfection.
You're going to get disappointedin yourself and then you get
these negative emotions.
And then likely what happens isyou take it out on your family
and they, they then experienceit and they have a negative
experience.
And so, and nobody wants that.
(40:14):
That's not what anybody wants.
So it's, it's, you have to shiftyour mindset to be able to be in
that space where you don't, youknow, get those negative
self-talk and, And, you know,taking it out on the rest of the
family.
SPEAKER_02 (40:29):
So
SPEAKER_00 (40:30):
I love that.
Well, thank you so much for thisconversation, Danielle.
I think it's an important one.
I hope a lot of parents outthere listen and, and we
normalize, you know, loweringthe bar and showing grace to
ourselves and to others.
SPEAKER_02 (40:47):
I just love what you said earlier on about lowering
the bar in so many areas of ourlives.
And so I'm like, maybe this willbe a series for us.
Lower your bar in yourrelationship.
All the
SPEAKER_00 (40:59):
things we can lower the bar
SPEAKER_02 (41:00):
on.
Thank you, Janelle.
And thanks for listening toCoffee Unlimited with J&D.
Make sure to follow, subscribe.
And if you have a question oryou want to talk to us, you can
reach out to us on our Instagramchannel.
And Stay tuned for our nextepisode on Wednesdays.
(41:22):
See you next time.
Hey everyone, welcome to Coffee Unlimited with
J&D.
Janelle and with my co-hostDanielle.
Today we're going to be talkingabout lowering the bar of
motherhood.
Danielle and I both have kidsand we've both experienced the
(00:25):
pressure of being perfect, youknow, or being this version of a
mother that I don't know if it'ssociety and it places on us or
maybe we We think that's how itshould be or we compare
ourselves.
So we're going to kind of diveinto this a bit about where do
(00:46):
these expectations come from andhow can we...
truly like make it normal tolower the bar.
And I know that sounds bad, butI think Danielle and I have both
have found places where we canbe more, you know, a little more
graceful to ourselves and lowerour expectations and everything
(01:10):
has been fine and everybody winsin that case, I think.
So we're going to talk aboutthat today.
But before we jump into it,Danielle, I'm curious, what's
important to you this week?
What have you been focused on?
SPEAKER_02 (01:23):
Thanks for asking that, Janelle.
Well, I'm really excited aboutthis conversation.
And something that's been on mymind this past week is prepping
for my retreat in Mexico.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's coming up.
I have people who have beencoming every year.
So I want to make sure that it'snot copy and paste content, that
(01:50):
the activities are different.
And every retreat I do, there'sa focus.
So this focus is going to be onthe kleshas, which are
Patanjali's yoga sutras aboutthe five causes of suffering.
And I know it sounds heavy.
It's like, we're going to talkabout suffering.
(02:11):
But I thought in Mexico, yeah,in Mexico, on the beach.
But what I like to do is look atthe opposite.
Like, okay, we can do that workof going through the ego and
detachment and fear.
But what is the byproduct ofworking through that?
So each day, we're focusing onsomething like the first day's
(02:35):
presence and then like the lastday's awareness.
So we're not going to be goinglike, okay, today we're going to
detach from the ego.
We will be working on that, butwith the outcome of awareness or
spirit or acceptance.
(02:55):
So that's what I've been workingon this week.
SPEAKER_00 (02:58):
Oh, good.
That's amazing.
And how many, how long until youhead out for your retreat?
treat.
SPEAKER_02 (03:04):
We are, the retreat starts May 10th.
I always arrive one or two daysearlier just because I don't
want to be, you know, goingthrough customs and doing all
that travel and unpacking whileI'm also receiving the group.
So Scott and I will come down,we'll head down a day earlier so
I can be rested.
And then when everybody arrives,it's like
SPEAKER_00 (03:26):
ready.
Oh, and do your kids, do yourkids join you on your retreat
sometimes?
SPEAKER_02 (03:31):
Yes, they do.
Blanca has been coming to almostall of Wow.
SPEAKER_00 (03:42):
Fair enough.
You know, there's a point,there's a, there's a time in
your life where you can eatanything you want.
And I do think that you need tograb onto it and enjoy it while
you can, because I had, I had areally good mentor when I was in
(04:02):
my early twenties.
She was actually my hulainstructor, my hula teacher.
She, I used to eat I mean, Istill eat pretty badly, but I
ate really badly in my early20s.
And she used to always tell me,she's like, she'd say, Janelle,
enjoy it now while you can,because when you hit 28,
everything changes.
And I don't know why it was 28,but she always said, when you
(04:25):
hit 28, you got to start eatingbetter.
And by golly, if she wasn'tright.
So I think good on Blanca, likeeat whatever you want to eat.
Don't do those healthy retreatsright now.
And you can do that later inlife.
I
SPEAKER_02 (04:40):
know.
She's like, I don't need thislike vegetable and protein,
local foods and juices.
I just want like, she wouldwant, she was craving like
sashimi.
Well, I mean, it was stillpretty healthy when she was
craving, but she was like, Ijust want a salmon maki.
And I'm like, you're not goingto get that here.
We're in Mexico.
Like on this, I like this likelittle, little beach, private
(05:04):
beach.
There's no salmon maki.
Okay.
UNKNOWN (05:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (05:09):
Well, I like that she is saying what she wants and
expressing that and doing whatshe wants to do.
Good for her.
Good for her.
Yeah.
Well, that's great.
Thanks for sharing, Danielle.
Let's.
talk about our topic for today.
And that is about lowering thebar of motherhood.
I mean, we're kind of talkingabout that with healthy foods
(05:29):
right now.
I think that we constantly eatwhat they want.
SPEAKER_02 (05:35):
You and I constantly talk about lowering the bar with
motherhood, right?
I
SPEAKER_00 (05:42):
mean, lowering the bar in a lot of things.
Our apparel, we're like, we justwear sweats today.
Yeah, let's just wear sweats.
Sweats all
SPEAKER_02 (05:51):
day long.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (05:55):
that's right.
(06:22):
only lead to at some point beingdisappointed or resentful or
something.
There's a negative experience onthat path.
And so I think the earlier thatwe all can really break down
(06:44):
perfectionism the happier we canbe or the happier we will be.
So we joke about this becauseit's funny and people don't
usually admit that they'retrying to lower the bar or lower
expectations.
But there's a, there's a methodto the madness.
I think, you know, what, whatwe're doing is creating more
(07:05):
grace, creating space for joyand happiness and imperfection.
Because if you're seekingperfection, you're, you're just
going to be stressed and, anddisappointed.
So, um, Let's talk aboutmotherhood because it's real for
us.
Your kids are out of the housenow in terms of their age.
(07:25):
My kids are kind of high school,middle school age.
When do you think you will kindof take me through your journey
of motherhood?
And did you feel early onpressure to be good at it all
and to have high expectations onyourself?
And when did that change?
SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
No, I think it started just even being a woman
and being pregnant.
Like just with our culture, oursociety, we're seeing pregnant
women wear heels, doing theirhair and all this.
So there was this kind of likebar for me to look presentable.
SPEAKER_01 (08:08):
It's
SPEAKER_02 (08:09):
always kind of in the background.
Yeah.
Like, okay, am I looking cuteenough?
Do I have like the rightmaternity clothes or this and
that?
And I remember just showing upone day when I drove the girls
to school in my bathrobe.
We've all been there.
(08:31):
We've all hit that point.
I was like, F this.
I need to get them to school.
And I actually needed to get outtoo.
So it wasn't just that I was inmy car.
I got out and I was walkingaround.
Presentable.
Presentable.
Presenting yourselfunpresentable.
(08:53):
Exactly.
In my brown fleece Costco robe.
Which I still have and stillwear daily.
But yet I just thought I'm goingto just walk around like this.
Like, okay, I don't have my acttogether moms.
SPEAKER_01 (09:09):
Like I am
SPEAKER_02 (09:09):
just barely keeping it together
SPEAKER_01 (09:11):
here.
SPEAKER_02 (09:12):
When our girls were young at that time, my mother
was going through cancer too.
So I really felt this kind oflike sandwich generation of
caring for our two children andAnd then caring for my mother
and also having a full-time job.
So that was when I had juststarted at Lululemon.
(09:32):
So high growth, especially whenyou start a new job, it's all
about like, well, it was for meabout, I want to prove my worth
and all of that.
So I was going quote unquoteabove and beyond that.
and trying to do that in allareas of my life.
SPEAKER_01 (09:48):
And
SPEAKER_02 (09:50):
it was just like, this isn't working.
It's time for the bathrobe andwho cares what other people
think.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
Yeah.
Well, like I said, we all hitthe point because it's
unsustainable when you have somany different hats that you
wear as a human being and, andgoing through, you know, a sick,
You know, parent is is a lot,you know, emotionally and from a
(10:16):
time perspective and whatnot inyour attention and your focus.
And so you really can't beeverywhere and you can't do
everything.
And and so so we hit that point.
Now, I have a question for you,though, because I remember when
I hit the point, but it wasn'tthat I accepted lowering the
standards.
I actually was mad at myself.
(10:36):
I felt like I failed.
Mine was in a bathrobe.
I wasn't taking the kids.
Yeah.
(11:04):
Carl was home so he could watchher and I was heading out and I
just couldn't find anything thatfit, that felt good.
You know, like pants,specifically pants.
Oh yeah.
And this is, it was June and Iwas heading out to Starbucks and
it was a warm day and I walkedout with ski pants on because
literally the only thing thatcould get that could fit me that
(11:28):
was clean, too.
That was the thing that wasclean and fit me were these ski
pants.
And so I was like sloshing likethrough the house.
And I remember Carl being like,what's that?
You know, what's going on?
And I was like,
SPEAKER_02 (11:41):
the muumuu.
SPEAKER_00 (11:42):
Where's the muumuu when we need it?
Right.
That needs to get back in style.
And I remember telling Carl, I'mlike, don't ask.
It's the only thing that fits.
And I slammed the door likebehind me and I drove off like
sweating one because I waswearing ski pants and it was
hot, but two, like I was just soworked up and mad because I'd
been shuffling through mydrawers and I'm like, I'm
(12:04):
putting on the ski pants.
I don't care.
And, and I remember when thathappened, but I didn't have that
moment of, you know what, I'mgoing to give myself grace.
I'm going to lower, you know,it's, it's, I'm putting too much
pressure on myself to look goodright now and to, and to, you
know, find something that fitsperfectly and my body's changing
all that.
No, I was actually reallyfrustrated.
(12:26):
And probably the reason thatstory sticks in my head so much
was it was so unpleasant.
You know, I was so frustratedwith my body at the time.
And, you know, this, I rememberI was also frustrated with this
sense that I had like only 30minutes before I needed to come
home and feed Sophia because Iwas breastfeeding.
(12:46):
So I'm curious when you say youhit that point and you were
wearing the robe, did youcontinue to give yourself grace
and be like, you know what, thisis okay.
I can go out like this.
Or did you try to makeappearances again and look good
again?
SPEAKER_02 (13:06):
I gave up on trying to look good a long time ago.
amen i remember was like withthe girls so this is gonna be
maybe totally unfiltered coffeeunlimited conversations here but
how my breasts completelydeflated after gabby after my
(13:28):
second oh
SPEAKER_00 (13:29):
my gosh same same it was after the second it was like
something out of nationalgeographic yeah well
SPEAKER_02 (13:35):
yeah
SPEAKER_00 (13:36):
It was like a gorilla in National Geographic.
They were just sagging in likethe weirdest shape.
So
SPEAKER_02 (13:45):
it was actually that time.
That's when I was teaching and Iwasn't teaching yoga.
Well, no, I actually was juststarting to teach yoga, but I
was teaching yoga at fitnessstudios.
So all these other moms werecoming in with implants.
They were looking cute and allthis.
So I actually went to see aplastic surgeon.
Okay.
(14:05):
I started to say, okay, I'mthinking about getting breast
implants.
walk me through the process.
So she started telling me whatthe process was.
And while this doctor wastalking to me, I was thinking to
myself, wait a second, hold on.
I'm paying you to cut me forpathetic reasons.
(14:27):
I'm like, what the F is going onwith me?
So like back up.
I was like, oh no, I can't dothis.
That's when I really started toget into yoga because So my
first teacher training was allabout the physical, but then I
started to really learn aboutthe more mindful aspects of the
practice and get into more ofthe spirituality.
And it's all about letting go ofthis body, right?
(14:50):
I mean, caring for the physicalbody for sure, but not having
this like absolute attachment tothe body because our bodies are
constantly changing.
If we look at a photo ofourselves as infants, We're
like, oh my gosh, that's me.
That's Janelle as a baby.
Clearly, you are not that samebody.
(15:10):
I really feel like the practiceof yoga from a spiritual
perspective really supported me.
in not being as attached to whatI look like.
SPEAKER_01 (15:23):
And
SPEAKER_02 (15:24):
also the realization too, that I have two daughters.
So what am I going to say tothem?
Like looks don't matter, but inmy case, they kind of do.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (15:36):
that's the thing.
So a couple of things for me,when I was listening to you, I
wish, I think, you know, I wishwe all could have the, or take
the time or have the opportunityto work on that, that mindset
(15:57):
that you're talking about thatyou develop around not attaching
to the body and, and what itlooks like.
And, and because there's so, somuch unhealthy talk out there
about bodies and unhealthymindsets about our bodies.
(16:17):
And I'm still working on it.
You know, I like to considermyself someone that is evolved
in that sense.
And I'm not attached to what mybody looks like.
And I recognize that 20 year oldJanelle is not the same as 45
year old Janelle or 60 year oldJanelle or 70 year old Janelle.
Like, um, Intellectually, I knowthat.
(16:41):
But that ego is so strong.
The ego is so strong and wantsto, for me, wants to constantly
reminisce about the past andwhat I used to look like.
And I know it's unhealthy.
I totally know it's unhealthy,but I have my ups and downs with
it.
There are moments where I'mreally, really centered and
(17:03):
grounded and grounded in who Iam as a soul.
and not as the body.
And then there are times whenit's not, I'm not there.
And I don't, you know, Iprobably should try to figure
out what the correlation is.
Like I'm curious if when I'mmore tired and if there is a
correlation to like my ego takesover or my subconscious mind
(17:27):
takes over and these negativethoughts start creeping in or if
it's something else, if it'swhen I'm scrolling on Instagram
you know, social media, if thattriggers it, you know, I'm not,
I'm not sure what it is.
Um, but I think, you know, manypeople struggle with it.
So it's one of those things as,as moms that have, um, bodies
(17:50):
that have changed quitedrastically in our national
geographic way.
Um, How do we that's a reallygood one to lower expectations
on we should all be open tolowering our expectations on you
know what our bodies, how ourbodies age.
Truly.
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (18:12):
I mean, I do want to just say that I don't feel like,
I mean, I'm still working onthis too, Janelle.
I get into that space ofcomparison and my muffin top and
actually in the yoga scene, whenI open up my Instagram and I'm
seeing all these 28 year oldsize twos doing these inversions
(18:32):
and they look amazing in their,in their tight clothes.
But that's why I think havingsome boundaries with, with
Instagram or anything else andmaking sure that I've, I'm well
rested, fed, I'm not hangry oranything like that before I
(18:54):
start looking at these things.
UNKNOWN (18:57):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (18:57):
And just wearing four-way stretch.
I mean, you know, I got it.
Four-way stretch is a gamechanger.
Yeah.
Like it's pretty comfortablewearing, wearing all this
athletic.
SPEAKER_00 (19:09):
It's comfortable and kind of keeps some things in,
you know, so that's kind ofnice.
Yeah.
I, so I have though had, eventhough early on, I felt like a
failure in many ways.
And I was not meeting the bar.
I had a high bar, wasn't meetingit, was disappointed in myself
(19:32):
constantly.
I did reach a point though,where I started to intentionally
lower expectations on myself, onthe house, you know, like how
clean the house is, things likethat.
SPEAKER_02 (19:44):
Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00 (19:45):
Yeah.
Lowering expectations on gettingplaces on time.
There was a number of thingsthat I started to be more
lenient about or like kind oflike that don't sweat the small
stuff kind of mentality.
And I was successful in likeintentionally doing it and
sticking with it.
And one of the areas that I'vereally lowered the bar is my
(20:08):
kids lunches.
SPEAKER_01 (20:09):
So
SPEAKER_00 (20:09):
I actually learned this from my boss at Vancity.
She taught me this about her ownkids' lunches and I adopted it
and I'm thrilled about itbecause I used to totally sweat
over the kids' lunches becausethe school that the kids go to,
there's no hot lunch.
So you have to pack a cold lunchevery single day.
(20:32):
And I'm just at a loss forcreativity around healthy
lunches, probably because Idon't eat that healthy myself,
as healthy as I should.
And, you know, with schoollunches, you have to avoid nuts
and strawberries and a varietyof things you have to avoid.
Well, and you also have threekids.
So I just have to hand it toyou, Janelle.
(20:54):
Three lunches.
three lunches.
And it was just kind of this,the bane of my existence was
making these immaculate, funlunches for them that would keep
them excited.
And, you know, because they werecomparing their lunches to other
lunches.
So I felt like I needed to likehave an A game of lunches.
You know what, though?
I don't.
(21:15):
And so what I do is I actuallydon't make their lunches at all.
I keep the pantry stocked withnut-free packaged things.
So I'm not against packagedproducts.
But what I also have are, Ialways have fruit available in
the house and I always havevegetables cut.
(21:36):
So like pre-cut cucumbers, allmy kids love cucumber.
So pre-cut cucumber, carrots,peppers, like red bell peppers,
orange bell peppers.
Sometimes there's celery cut.
They don't eat the celery asmuch.
So I find if I have that, thatgoes to waste.
So I try to just do things Iknow they'll eat.
SPEAKER_01 (21:53):
And
SPEAKER_00 (21:54):
they know that they have to grab some vegetables and
some fruit.
And then after that, as muchpackaged stuff as they want,
granola bars, chips, anything.
Because what my boss had toldme, she's like, I make sure they
eat a good breakfast.
The lunch, it just needs to getthem enough energy to get
through the day so that then wehave a good dinner.
(22:16):
So when I started to realize,yeah, like, The lunch itself
doesn't have to be perfectbecause there's two other meals
that we have a little bit morecontrol over.
And that has been...
life changing for me because Idon't worry about it anymore.
I'm not overthinking it of like,Oh, do they have protein?
(22:37):
And do they have this?
And do they have that?
You know, we'll just make surethey get some good protein at
dinner.
And everyone's happy becausethey pick out the stuff they
want half the time.
They didn't like what I put inthere anyway.
And it would come back at theend of the day, which then would
just make me even more angrybecause I spent so much time
preparing it.
So that's something I'velowered.
(22:58):
School lunches.
Lowered the bar.
And I haven't looked back.
And they're perfectly fine.
That's such a creative solution.
They're thriving.
SPEAKER_02 (23:10):
I love that too.
Cause then they have theautonomy to choose what they
want with some boundaries oflike, you've got to have these
vegetables and fruit and thenyou can choose all your packing.
SPEAKER_00 (23:22):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, good.
What about you?
Do you have any, um, successstories on lowering the bar or
how, how have you lowered thebar for yourself?
SPEAKER_02 (23:32):
Well, when you were saying like, okay, good
breakfast and good dinner, Ithought, Oh, I'm not sure if, if
If I had either of thosebreakfast or good dinner, I
mean, dinners, dinners werelike, I mean, this is where I
would cut cucumbers and havelike miso with sesame oil.
(23:54):
And it's like, okay, girls,we're going to have this and
some popcorn.
Right.
So there were a lot of nightslike that too, or just picking
up food because they, when theywere younger, they were always
in ballet.
UNKNOWN (24:07):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (24:08):
They're in ballet almost every day.
And there was this great congeeplace in Vancouver.
So I would just pick somethingup there.
And I think for me, it wasreally about trying not to
compare how I was doing withother moms.
Because I told you about thatone mom who was making a roast
(24:29):
on a Tuesday night, who also hada full-time job too.
So it made me feel even worseabout that.
I was like, how is she able todo this?
But I'm not.
SPEAKER_01 (24:39):
But
SPEAKER_02 (24:40):
yeah, I really lowered the expectation there,
lowered the bar on all meals.
SPEAKER_00 (24:46):
Well, that's great.
You know, and when I say a gooddinner or a good breakfast,
that's, I guess I shouldclarify, I'm not...
cooking a three course meal.
I'm not cooking.
I don't cook at all.
I don't actually cook.
My husband cooks.
If he's not here, then it'swhatever's in the fridge or
whatever's in the pantry.
And it's totally fine.
(25:07):
I do think that it's, we have torealize that our kids will be
okay.
You know, most, you know, forthe most part, um, they're
getting what they need and thisis a, you know, a period of
their life.
Um, so yeah, I like that.
And for breakfast, um, you know,our go-to is actually making
oatmeal, like just from oats.
(25:28):
Um, cause we used to always havethe packaged oatmeal, the little
packets, but I realized itactually was super easy just to
make the oats in a pan.
And then we add our own maplesyrup to it and some brown sugar
and they love that.
And I think, um, oatmeal is a,is a really good breakfast.
We always have, always haveyogurt available and granola
because the kids love that.
(25:49):
So that's an easy breakfast thatthey have with some fruit in it,
but nothing like we're notcooking pancakes and bacon and
stuff like that.
It's just simple, but you know,yeah.
kind of as balanced as possible.
SPEAKER_01 (26:04):
Now,
SPEAKER_02 (26:06):
if we think about like where we got, I mean, I
know with society too, but thiscomparison and perfectionism,
I'm curious to know what wasyour mom like?
Was she like, you know, makingall your meals and how was it
like for you growing up?
SPEAKER_00 (26:23):
Yeah.
So, um, My mom worked.
She was a teacher.
And so in the summer, she washome with us.
But, you know, in the weekdays,she was working during the day.
We had a lot of like Schwann'smeals, you know, like the
Schwann's man that deliveredfrozen meats and stuff like
(26:44):
that.
And we had kind of we weretotally exhausted.
good eating in front of the TV.
It was very casual is what Iwould say and not very strict.
And, and I don't, you know, Ithink I thought it was great.
When I was growing up, we didn'tsit around a dinner table every
(27:04):
night.
Like I think some families,particularly in that era, you
know, when we were kids, I thinkthere were, you know, probably
more than today, families thatsat down at the dinner table
every single night and, youknow, there was the cooked meal.
We didn't have that.
So I would say no.
that reflects in how I approachdinner too.
(27:24):
Like you, I'm perfectly finejust cutting up a variety of
vegetables and just getting outsome leftovers or even like some
instant ramen and that's finefor dinner.
Like I don't have highexpectations about cooking a
meal and I don't like to cook.
I didn't learn to cook from mymom and I'm not trying to pass
(27:47):
any family recipes down.
So yeah, where I do, used tocompare myself to my mom a lot
was my mom had our, our housewas always very tidy and clutter
free.
Um, and I don't, I honestlydon't know when she did it.
Like, cause we didn't havesomeone clean our house, you
know?
Um, Somehow she did it and Ididn't notice.
(28:10):
I don't know.
But the house is always veryclean and tidy.
And so that's like I am not ableto keep a clean house.
It's just not my strength.
So when our house was messy, Iwould get frustrated.
And I believe my frustrationcame from this like these
visions of my own.
childhood being tidy.
And then when I would look atour house, I would feel like a
(28:33):
failure.
Like I'd feel like, why can't Ido this?
What is going on here?
Is it that my kids don't respectme when I tell them to pick up
their things?
And my mom was able to get myrespect.
Like, what was it?
But I used to get prettyfrustrated.
And that's an area where I havelearned to let go of that.
(28:55):
Like the house doesn't have tobe perfect and tidy all the
time.
And if someone comes over, I'mokay with them seeing the house
untidy.
Like I'm not one to bescrambling to clean the house
and make it tidy.
I mean, I'll pick some stuff upthat's easy, but I'm not going
(29:15):
to...
stop someone from coming overbecause i feel like the house
isn't tidy enough because i justdon't think it reflects on who i
am like it's not my identity andit doesn't it doesn't reflect my
worth um but somehow we webelieve that right like some
(29:35):
somewhere along the way And I dothink social media plays a big
part of it.
You know, I don't know.
You know, our parents didn'thave social media, so I don't
know what was going through mymom's mind when I was a kid.
I don't know if she wascomparing herself to others or
if she had high expectations onherself or if she was just doing
(29:56):
what her mom did.
I'm not really sure.
But what I do know is if we'reever beating ourselves up about
anything, that's not...
that's not good.
Like we shouldn't, we shouldn'tbe beating ourselves up.
Like we're not bad people.
So, you know, we're not harmingpeople.
(30:17):
We're not, we're not badindividuals.
So we shouldn't be beatingourselves up.
And so anytime I find myselftalking down to myself or being
disappointed in myself, to me,that's a cue that I need to let
go of some sort of expectationthat I've made up in my mind.
SPEAKER_02 (30:37):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
(31:08):
That is the goal, just to becontent.
And I think that, you know,making sure there are no crumbs
or the...
Sheets are ironed.
I have never ironed a sheet.
I don't,
SPEAKER_00 (31:22):
I don't own an iron.
If I need to get wrinkles out ofanything, I throw it in the
dryer for a little bit.
We literally don't have an ironin our house.
SPEAKER_02 (31:35):
Anytime I've had to iron something.
I mean, it's probably only beena couple of times.
SPEAKER_01 (31:39):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (31:40):
like some speaking engagement or something, Scott
will iron the shirt for me.
I'm like, thank you.
Because I don't know how toiron.
But yeah, it's just likelowering the bar and being okay
with it.
Crumbs are okay.
Okay, if the floors are notabsolutely perfect.
SPEAKER_00 (31:59):
Yeah, because at the end of the day, it's all about
giving grace to ourselves and toother moms out there, you know,
not projecting on others andmaking others feel less than,
you know, if, if something, iftheir kid is late, if they show
up late to school, you know,cause you know, I always think
about that.
Like, like my kid, I drive mytwo younger kids to school and
(32:22):
they're late sometimes and theyget in trouble by their teacher.
And I always think to myself,like, why get mad at the kid?
It clearly wasn't their fault.
Like I drove.
UNKNOWN (32:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (32:32):
I'm the one who's late.
But okay.
But yeah, I remember when ourkids were little, there was this
other mom that was always like,speeding through and dropping
her kids off late, you know, andI remember like, there was a
moment where I was like, oh,there's so and so again late.
(32:52):
And now I'm like, shame on me,you know, like, Because now I
know what it's like and we needto give each other grace more
and not judge others if they'regoing through some hard stuff
and they can't do it all.
They can't get their kids outthe door on time because they've
got a million other things thatthey're responsible for.
SPEAKER_02 (33:15):
That is the hardest thing.
I remember getting the kids outthe door on time was just one of
the most stressful activities ofthe day because they're like,
they're kind of like puppieswhere there's no concept of
time.
Like, no, we need to hurry.
Like school starts at this time.
My first meeting is at thistime, but it's like, no, no.
(33:38):
What should I wear?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (33:42):
What was it this morning?
Oh yeah.
My oldest couldn't find hershoes.
So that was a whole thing andnever did find them.
So who knows where they are, butthat was looking for quite a
while and settled for anotherpair.
But yeah, but it's okay.
You know, what, it's not, it'snot going to harm them as
(34:03):
individuals at all.
Um, we got to stop thisperfectionism.
SPEAKER_02 (34:07):
Oh yeah.
If there's anything that youwould want the younger version
of Janelle, young mom version ofJanelle to know, what would it
be?
SPEAKER_00 (34:23):
Yeah.
Um, I think what I've learned asI got older was that it's okay
that my purpose as a human isnot about my kids.
Meaning, I think when I wasfirst having kids, like you
(34:46):
said, I have three.
I don't know if it wasself-inflicted.
There was something in me thatfelt...
The pressure to devote myself tothe kids and that my purpose in
life was like fulfilled withthese kids, you know, and my
identity was now a mother.
(35:07):
And that was the most importantrole I had.
And what I've.
learned is that it is a rolethat I have.
I chose to have kids and I havekids.
My purpose isn't kids.
I could be just as whole andfulfilled if I didn't have any
kids as a human.
It doesn't take away from anyoneif they don't have kids.
(35:29):
And it's just an aspect of who Iam now that I have kids.
But what I think my role as amom is to teach these, teach our
kids how to find joy in life andhow to navigate challenges, um,
that they will face and havesome resilience.
(35:49):
Um, because I think childhoodis, it is a perfect sandbox for
going through a sense ofbelonging and a sense of not
belonging.
All these things that wenavigate as adults as well.
And I know it feels like the endall be all when you're a child,
(36:12):
because you're emotional, you'restill growing your emotional
ability.
But the beauty of being a childis, you have some adult figure
in your life.
Maybe it's your grandparents.
Maybe it's your parents.
Maybe it's one parent.
Maybe it's two.
Maybe it's multiple parents.
But there are adult figures inyour life that can help you
(36:33):
think through what happened andtalk through what happened.
And so...
I always want to be there to beable to navigate with the kids,
the things they're going throughand to talk through those things
to help them always find joy andto give themselves grace.
So I make it a priority.
When I say I'm prioritizingfamily at any given time, that's
(36:53):
what I'm prioritizing.
I'm prioritizing my attentionand my presence with them to
help them navigate something andto help them navigate life
because they will be adultseventually and they will
navigate it on their own whenthey're older.
So, it's, so I think as myyounger self, it wasn't to make
(37:15):
sure that the kids, you know,my, my job wasn't to make sure
the kids had the best schoolingand, you know, all the best
things and that my purpose isthrough them, which is kind of
how I approached it early on.
No, my purpose is to navigatelife with them.
And as they go through all thedifferent stages of a child,
(37:38):
infant toddler, you know, goingto school for the first time,
you know, having friends andrelationships and, you know,
failed tests, you know, gettinga bad grade, all these things
that feel are new for them andfeel heavy and are hard and
difficult.
I'm just helping them make senseof it.
(37:59):
and navigate it.
And that's all.
So that's, I think, and I'velearned that later in life.
So there are times when Iprioritize them, like I'm
prioritizing them, but it's notbecause my identity is a mother,
you know?
Yeah.
I
SPEAKER_02 (38:18):
love that navigating life with them.
SPEAKER_00 (38:21):
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What about you?
What would you give?
What advice would you giveyounger Danielle?
I feel
SPEAKER_02 (38:34):
like I was really stressed out for the first
several years of their lives.
SPEAKER_01 (38:41):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (38:41):
So that's probably, yeah.
Giving myself grace, be late, beokay with the mess.
UNKNOWN (38:49):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (38:50):
Because
SPEAKER_02 (38:51):
like you said, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't.
At the end of the day, it'sabout the relationships that we
have with them.
And that's not about whether,you know, the house is cleaned
or I had lunch or anything.
I mean, you know, baseline, theywere fed.
Not always the best food.
(39:12):
Exactly.
SPEAKER_00 (39:14):
It's okay.
It's okay if they have a bowl ofgoldfish crackers, you know?
That could be dinner one night.
One night of goldfish is notgoing to hurt them.
SPEAKER_02 (39:24):
Exactly.
Or using the TV as a babysitter.
I know moms who beat themselvesup about, like, I'm using the
TV.
It's like, you got to take careof yourself in a shower.
Do what works.
Yeah.
Yeah,
SPEAKER_00 (39:41):
I
SPEAKER_02 (39:43):
think it's that about being okay with not being
perfect, not striving, justletting go of the striving for
perfectionism.
SPEAKER_00 (39:52):
Oh, I love it.
I love it because when we I cango back to this and you strive
for perfection.
You're going to get disappointedin yourself and then you get
these negative emotions.
And then likely what happens isyou take it out on your family
and they, they then experienceit and they have a negative
experience.
And so, and nobody wants that.
(40:14):
That's not what anybody wants.
So it's, it's, you have to shiftyour mindset to be able to be in
that space where you don't, youknow, get those negative
self-talk and, And, you know,taking it out on the rest of the
family.
SPEAKER_02 (40:29):
So
SPEAKER_00 (40:30):
I love that.
Well, thank you so much for thisconversation, Danielle.
I think it's an important one.
I hope a lot of parents outthere listen and, and we
normalize, you know, loweringthe bar and showing grace to
ourselves and to others.
SPEAKER_02 (40:47):
I just love what you said earlier on about lowering
the bar in so many areas of ourlives.
And so I'm like, maybe this willbe a series for us.
Lower your bar in yourrelationship.
All the
SPEAKER_00 (40:59):
things we can lower the bar
SPEAKER_02 (41:00):
on.
Thank you, Janelle.
And thanks for listening toCoffee Unlimited with J&D.
Make sure to follow, subscribe.
And if you have a question oryou want to talk to us, you can
reach out to us on our Instagramchannel.
And Stay tuned for our nextepisode on Wednesdays.
(41:22):
See you next time.
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