Boundaries, Motherhood & Breaking Cycles | Coffee with E Brunch Series Pt. 1 - Coffee With E

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey you, you are about to be blown away with this
conversation that we had Ourfirst brunch installation of
Coffee with E.
We sat down with five dynamicwomen I mean all of them.
They came with tissues.
We started with lipstick.
We ended with no lipstick.
We went deep into real lifeconversations.
I promise you you're going tohave to sit down and get your

(00:21):
popcorn, your favorite wine, ifit's in the morning, get your
coffee.
If you're in the car, you'regoing to have to sit down and
get your popcorn, your favoritewine, if it's in the morning,
get your coffee.
If you're in the car, you mightwant to pull over because this
one we go deep Today's roast,never taking days off.

(00:46):
Like, really, let's think aboutthis.
Ladies, when it comes toself-care, it's very important,
and one thing we can't do is toshow off and say, yep, I'm
hustling, I'm doing all thesethings, I don't have time for
taking off.
But guess what it's?
Either you're going to take offor your body's going to take
off for you.
So this is what I want you todo.
Another thing, if you're likeme when it comes to not taking

(01:10):
office, because you feel asthough, when you leave that
nothing's going to get done orthe people cannot do the job the
way you do it.
Can I share something with you?
It's arrogance.
So either you don't have theright people in the right seats
to do the job while you're awayor you're too arrogant enough to
allow the people that deserveto be in those seats to take
them.
So I'm sharing with you todaytake a day off.

(01:32):
You deserve it.
You know what y'all?
I'm really excited today.
Okay, because this is probablythe first time we're off
location.
So normally we have it in thesebeautiful mansions and we have
the luxury feel, million dollarconversations.
And Alicia actually answered thecall.
Ok, she answered the call to apost that I do probably once a

(01:57):
quarter and I say, hey, who doyou know I need to be in
conversations with and give mesome ideas?
So people normally tag.
And then Alicia, she said Iain't tagging her, I have her
phone number I want to call.
She's like you know what E.
I don't know if you thoughtabout this, but I think it'd be
a great idea if we had a brunchsimilar to what we see online.

(02:19):
With what was it?
Kirk Franklin.
He had a men's den In the KingsIn the Kings, yeah.
So she brought it to myattention.
I was like you know what?
I just saw that and I thoughtit'd be a great idea if we do
that too.
So let's do it, let's do it.
So within two weeks we got thistogether within two weeks.
Only thing is we didn't knowwhat place.

(02:40):
So then, dear friend, up here,she said I got you and within a
week we had a littleestablishment.
So, true story, my husband andI before, no, it was after, I
think it was confirmed, yeah,after it was confirmed we came
here.
I was like, babe, let's go toCote Rouge, right, we've been
there before.
It's a great dining experience,so let's just go ahead and do
it.
So we came here.
Now, this is his favorite place.

(03:01):
He was just talking to theowners trying to figure out what
he can do to help get moreexposure.
So it's just a great thing.
So for us to have thisconversation, this girl chat,
here today, I'm really excitedabout it?

Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yeah, absolutely, thank you for having us.
You're so welcome.
So okay, y'all I need a perfumehere to help me with E.
That's what we're reallycelebrating.
We should have bought champagnetoday.
He drinks it all, right, no,thank you.
That's sorry.
That's so great.
She's paying the post stop no,we have coffee we have coffee,

(03:37):
let's let's toast the coffee.
Cheers to one year coffee withthee we love that.

Speaker 1 (03:43):
Yes, thank you so much.
I was about to lunch, right,girl?
Yeah, my straw, okay.
So let's get it started.
So let's talk about the seasonsin your life, like where you
are actually in your life, right, personally or professionally.
Um, yeah, and what, and whatare some of the things you had
to let go To get to this newseason?

(04:05):
Yes, so anyone that sees thisor watches or listens to the
podcast, they know that Iusually start off with one
question and we just go rightinto it Because we want to have
a real conversation.
So, yeah, and we're going to goas deep as y'all want to, or
surface level, would you like togo Right?
Me or them are going to go asdeep as y'all want to, or
surface level.
Would you like to go Right, meor them, we're going to need to.

(04:27):
Let's do that.
We'll let them know.
We'll let them know.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
For me.
I am in a space of getting toknow myself, like this is the
first time in my life that I'mliving like completely by myself
.
I've never like I had my son inmy life, that I'm living like
completely by myself.
I've never like I had my sonwhen I in my entire life.
I had my son when I was 17.
So I've never not lived withsomeone.

(04:51):
So I am in my own space, seeingwhat it looks like to just take
care of me and find out what itis that I like and what I enjoy
, and that's an interestingspace to be in, like it is.
It's really cool.
It's cool.

Speaker 1 (05:09):
Sometimes it's sad get a little weird, but it's
what you do when you feel likeyou're alone, because always
having someone around, I'mthinking I would feel alone,
like okay at some point.
Like okay, what's your supportsystem?
Like at I'd be saying you were,you've never been alone, so I'm
assuming someone beside you.

Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yeah, so it's interesting.
I mean, I have a lot of companythat comes over At least it was
just at my house so I have alot of company that comes over.
But I'm just finding thingsthat that I, like you know, I'm
reading books.
Denise sent me a book.
I'm reading books.
I am taking walks Denise sentme a book.
I'm reading books, I am takingwalks, I am learning new things,

(05:47):
putting together a Lego flowerbouquet.
Like you know, I'm working onmy client stuff, on my business
stuff, like there's all of thesethings that I'm doing.
Like you would think that yourtime wouldn't be filled, but I'm
also like spending more timewith God and kind of just
figuring out like what does mylife really look like and what

(06:07):
do I really want my life to looklike, that kind of thing.
So do you think?

Speaker 1 (06:12):
that you're really.
Oh, we gotta do a break.
Yeah, it is this.
Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 2 (06:20):
I told you it's amazing.
Oh she, what is so good?
Oh, carrot, yeah, it's carrotcake.
You, it's amazing.
Oh she would.
It's so good.
What is this?

Speaker 1 (06:24):
This is good, yeah, it's carrot cake, but it's
French toast.
Yeah, yes, yeah, yes, oh, myfavorite.

Speaker 2 (06:31):
What did you get?
That's the salmon BLT.
That looks amazing.
It really does.
I'm going to wait for my carrotcake first, though we won't eat
.
I promise we won.
We won't eat, we won't eatuntil everyone gets their food.

Speaker 1 (06:43):
No, we cannot, we cannot.
We have etiquette here.
We have etiquette here whocontrols?

Speaker 2 (06:51):
Yeah, 100%, spoil a little piece of bacon.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
So, Madonna, we can't let you get off the hot seat
just yet.
So did you?
Do you feel like you're nowlearning who you truly are?
You said you've never beenalone.

Speaker 2 (07:04):
In a way like um, going on solo dates, like so now
, instead of like trying to findsomebody to go to the movies
with, if I'm gonna go to themovies, I'll just go to the
movies, and I always thoughtthat that was strange.
Like my mom used to do thatwhen I was young, she'd be like,
oh, I went to the movies andI'm like by yourself, I go.
Or she would go to dinner likeby herself.
She's like like, oh, I went todinner.
I'm like, well, who did youtalk to at dinner?

(07:25):
Like what do you mean?
Like whose plate did you sharefood with?
And she's like no, I just wentbecause I wanted to spend time
with myself.
And I just used to likeattribute it to her being a
Libra, like you know.
But like I'm just learning thatit's okay to do things by
yourself and learn to Because byyourself and learn to because

(07:46):
Madonna and I literally like arein the same season, so I became
a mom at 18 with my my oldestson just turned 20, by Wilde.
I've been kind of likestruggling with that over the
past couple of weeks.
His birthday was July 30th, soit's like a 25 year old.

Speaker 1 (08:03):
That's wild right.

Speaker 2 (08:04):
Like, and people were looking at me like you don't
have a 25 year old.
That's wild, right.
Like, and people were lookingat me like you don't have a 25
year old, right.
I do actually.
Oh, but just like I just Ithink 20, come 2024, like summer
of 2024, going into thebeginning of the new year was
like very much a lot for me,like finances, kids, like a lot

(08:31):
of things were going on with myoldest two sons and like in a
season of like well, for me it'skind of like dating back, going
to first becoming a mom.
Ever when you become a mom, younot that you don't matter, but
you have like you're not firstin it.
So, since 18, I've had aresponsibility for other

(08:54):
people's lives.
Now three kids, because I havethree sons at this point and
it's like you put yourself on abad burner because everything
has to be taken care of to makesure that you know they're good.
So, all these years, I've comeinto a space where, you know, I
just bought a house three yearsago just for you.

(09:14):
Congratulations, here we go.
But when I first got my housein 2022, I got into a
relationship.
It was like all these goodthings were happening.
However, I was like strugglingwith depression and didn't know
Okay, we're going to stop rightthere.

Speaker 1 (09:29):
We're going to sit through Lord's Prayer, okay, and
then we're going to eat.
Who feels led to come pray?
Is it going to be me, or who wehelp?
It could be you, okay.
Dear Heavenly Father, we thankyou for this food that we're
about to receive for nourishmentand keeping of our bodies.
Bless the hands that currentlyprepare this food.
Jesus, we ask and pray for fun,for fellowship and just for
breakthroughs.
In Jesus' name, we pray, thankGod.

Speaker 2 (09:50):
Amen.

Speaker 1 (09:52):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (09:55):
Where are we going with that?
I just learned that I wasdepressed last summer, getting
to see a therapist.
I've never been to therapybefore.
Um, I didn't know that therewas a such thing as functional
depression.
I thought people who aredepressed literally be like
laying in bed all day, crying,can't do nothing, don't function

(10:16):
and I'm going going, goingthinking I'm fine, but in
reality I was struggling likewith a lot.
So, um, I had some like traumathat I had PTSD from, and also
being overstimulated.
So I felt overwhelmed.
But having the termoverstimulated explained to me

(10:36):
meaning you put a lot onyourself, you put a lot on your
plate, you're trying to takecare of everybody and do all the
things.
That's a lot and you need tofall back, sometimes a little
bit and, like you said, you know, putting people in place to do
certain things.
However, I'm a single mom.
I have been.
So, you know, my household ismy responsibility, my kids are

(10:58):
my responsibility, my job.
I work a full-time job on topof trying to, you know, aspire
to be a full-time entrepreneur.
So, you know I was, I'mstretched thin.
And then, of course, buying ahouse is a whole nother ball
game in itself.
So there's, you know the stressof that.
And then you know everythingwasn't a hundred percent with

(11:20):
the house when I got it.
So learning theresponsibilities of being a
homeowner, that's anotherepisode.
Alicia, honey, yeah, so it wasa lot going on and then getting
into a new relationship at thesame time and then trying to be,
oh, you could be to that personas well.
It's just like eventually, Ijust kind of like take a little
bit.
So I was suffering in silenceand I kind of feel like I still

(11:44):
do a little bit.

Speaker 1 (11:44):
So I think, as women, we do that kind of feel like.
I still do a little bit.
So I think, as women, we dothat all the time.
I don't know why we do it, Idon't understand.
So we think that being strongis not sharing our feelings,
right, we just take it on thechin, or we may feel like people
don't want to be botheredbecause we want to be the one
that's just complaining all thetime.

(12:05):
When, really, when you haveconversations, you release
yourself and most times I trulyam a person of faith most times
when you feel as though you needto tell someone that someone's
supposed to give you I believe,has what you need to get to the
next, whether it's a minute, thehour, day or month, whatever it
is.
So I take it upon myself if Ifeel as though, okay, yeah, I'm

(12:26):
carrying a lot.
This is what I've been doinglately and I'm just having
conversations with someone.
Instead of question, why isthis coming up, I'll just, I'll
just share it, because it may bejust the medicine that person
may need, right, right.
So I want to challenge all ofus at this table to stop holding
on to our our issues.
Our challenges are just theburdens that we carry, because,

(12:47):
more than likely, you're goingto do the same thing someone
else is going through.

Speaker 2 (12:51):
That's how I feel so I always say there's triumph in
transparency, yes, uh, but wehave to hold space.
For how many times possibly wasmy vulnerability weaponized
against me there?
It is so if, if someone helpsme or I confide in someone and

(13:12):
you remind me of it, you'llnever hear from me ever you will
never hear about it again,right there.
So a lot of times we find youknow, women a we're not having
these conversations where, youknow, alicia could say I was
struggling and I feel like maybeI still am, and then I say me
too.
We don't hear that enough.

(13:34):
But so then I'm looking at well, no, she stays beat to the gods
.
She's dressed flawlessly everytime she walks out of the house.
Everybody has said that exactly.
And it's just like you don'tlook, like you have anything
going on like, well, do you know?
And if you don't take the timeto stop and say I was struggling
or I am, I would never knowwhich.

(13:56):
That makes me less hypely tosay me too, or just the comfort
and I'm not asking for you tohave answer, but it's just like,
okay, she is struggling, butstill figuring out a way to get
up and do this, and like I cantoo.
So I think that that weaponizedvulnerability.
There is some apprehension froma lot of women.

(14:20):
I would agree with that.
I did have some people reach outto you because I shared new
year's day.
I went to church service.
Oh, because I haven't donebringing in the new year in
church in a few years, becauseI've also had my struggles with
the church for to show um, butyeah, just I needed to like

(14:41):
release all that on the altar.
And when I say, I literallycried my lashes off, like when I
got up.
Oh, that was good.
That was that type of cry.
But I was glad that I shared,because I got a lot of people
who messaged me in private whosaid like thank you, or you know
your transparency, because I'vebeen dealing with a lot and you

(15:04):
know I was, you know, gratefulfor that.
And I think, as far as likeholding it all together or not
looking like what you're goingthrough, I think for a lot of
black women that's like that'sthe thing Like oh no, I got to,
nobody's going to know, becausewhat happens in the house stays
in the house, or what you knowwhat, nobody's going to know

(15:25):
what I'm going through.
And even, like I could say,when I was the most depressed, I
probably had some of my bestfashion moments because I had to
.
I had to get dressed.
I had to get dressed to get outthe house.
Like if I, if I really throw iton, then I'm gonna want to get
up and go outside see, now youwant to have me say are you good
, whatever you need, right,right, yeah.

(15:50):
I had to like.
I was like, no, if I, if I putthis on, then I want to, I want
to go outside, but that is verymuch a you know it is, it's a
mask, it's like I got to.
I got to put it on because Ican't let anybody know.
You know, and thank God foryour close people because I
think I have some credit out ifI didn't have, like, my cousin
that's my best friend my mom,you know, thank God, you know I

(16:13):
still have my mom here to likevent to and talk to and you know
I have other people that Icould release to.
If I didn't have that it wouldprobably be craziness,
absolutely.
Yeah, just having those peoplethat you can just like fully be
transparent with, and of courseeverybody in the mama don't need
to know your business and ofcourse you're going to show up.

(16:33):
You know, like you don't haveany going on by at home when you
ain't got no makeup on and I'msitting on the phone.
We be at the be on calls forsix hours and we be like gross
chill cock in the morning.
We've been on the phone since 8pm, like no conversation that
we have, where we're not evenpaying attention to the time and
just releasing, you know, thosethings that we need to.

(16:56):
So I'm appreciative of thatbecause I feel like I've been in
a space of like stretching,especially when it comes to, uh,
my spiritual spirituality.
Um, because my mom, when I waspregnant with my oldest son, god
gave her some revelation thatyou know, don't worry about me,
you know she'll always be allright, and she always reminds me

(17:17):
of that.
Yeah, like she's gonna gothrough some stuff, but she's
gonna be, she won't be fine.
So I always try to remindmyself of that anytime I'm going
through stuff.
But we're human, so we alwaysare gonna show like fleshly,
like you know we're, we'redealing with stuff and I'm I'm
trying to learn how to like,because even with learning, I

(17:39):
was overstimulated.
That came with irritability andI was irritable a lot so and it
was like reflecting in myrelationship.
It was reflecting with my kids.
It was just reflecting and Iwas just like I need to find a
way to kind of like get out ofmy head about things that I felt
guilty about, that I justneeded to be reminded.

(18:02):
Like you know, some things arenot my fault.
I have to get over and past it,but I know I need that
spiritual aspect in my life.
It actually is so crazy thattoday I start a mentorship
program.
I don't know if you werefamiliar with Pastor Veronica
Dixon, but she does um JourneyThrough the Heart of God and

(18:23):
it's a mentorship program.
It's like six to eight monthslong and today's the first day
of it this evening.
So I'm kind of looking forwardto that because I need something
to just kind of like get metogether.

Speaker 1 (18:35):
I think we all do.
Yeah, I think we all havespiritual relationships, am I
right?
Yeah, so I think we all lookfor you know answers, and we
pray For me.
I meditate.
I am not the same person when Idon't meditate.
So every morning I have to pray, I have to meditate, I have to
journal and through thosemeditations I literally believe

(18:57):
that he speaks to me like whichway I need to go, and ma'am,
when you were not supposed toreach out so early and talk
ma'am, when you were notsupposed to reach out so early.
It's just like she said we havethese long conversations and
we've been in each other's livesall of our lives and I've been
a part of all the differentseasons.

(19:19):
I'm sorry, don't be sorry, no,keep talking.

Speaker 2 (19:25):
Look at that.

Speaker 1 (19:31):
She was now playing about the tissues.
Well, the tissues are coming,thank you.
There you go, baby.
Yes, yeah, oh Lord, okay, Iknow yes.

Speaker 2 (19:46):
Yes, I'll swing the tissues.

Speaker 1 (19:49):
Past the tissues down .
We appreciate you feelcomfortable enough to even you
know, share that side.
You know what I mean, so I'mjust grateful we had really
Doing likes together forever.

Speaker 2 (20:02):
And I had my daughter at 15, so I don't even Remember
life before you know being abonds.
And, um, now my daughter's 27,so I'm about to be 28, 28, yeah,
oh my god, she's crazy guys.
My daughter's about to be 28,my son will be turning 22 and

(20:23):
then I have a nine-year-old.
We have babies together twice,twice our middle kids two days
apart, literally really.
Her son's birthday, which is mygodson, it's november 8th, and
my middle son's is the 10th.
They're literally two days.
And then our youngest are fivemonths apart.
Yeah, so kairrie turns 10 inDecember and JoJo turns 10 in

(20:46):
May.

Speaker 1 (20:48):
Wow.
So you're all growing uptogether and we're best friends
and our kids are best friends?
Yes, they definitely are.

Speaker 2 (21:00):
But yeah, I don't remember life before being a mom
, because I've always been a mom.
Even before having my kids, Iwas still momming with my
sibling.
So now I'm at a point where Iwas a single mom.
I'm no longer a single mom,single mom, I'm co-parenting,

(21:28):
but I'm co-parenting, you know,with someone who is a thousand
percent present, active, andit's a completely different
experience, even for me, andit's a positive.
But I had to learn to.

Speaker 1 (21:40):
I'm still learning to let go of the control.
I'm still learning to let go ofthe control being in charge of
all the decision making, notbecause I want to, because I
don't want to make all thedecisions because a lot of them
I feel like I'm not evenequipped to even make.

Speaker 2 (22:00):
But I'm just so used to not having to consult with
anyone, right, whatever?

Speaker 1 (22:02):
you say though yeah, I don't, I'm consulting with
someone.
Is's, you know, a friend girl,what you think?

Speaker 2 (22:09):
right not consulting with the other parent.
So now it's just even nineyears later, re, still, it's a
process of training my mind towait.
Let me check and see if hethinks, um, and what do you
think about this?
How do we, you know, how do wewant to raise him and what does

(22:30):
that look like?

Speaker 1 (22:31):
and uh, just, it's a completely new dynamic uh, for
me and and you know what I hearwhen I hear you say that when,
um, it's funny because I'mactually going to tie you into
this uh, when we had one of ourepisodes in the past and talking
about how, um, like, just thefear of one day that person's

(22:54):
going to leave you.
So you might as well just keepit together, make all the
decisions and you'll get somespace, but maybe not enough all
the space, because, okay, justin the event, right, this negro
tries to leave, or once decidesto leave, that you're going to
be able to.
Okay, well, I didn't lose a lotbecause I'm still making all
the decisions for myself, likeyou're just waiting for that

(23:14):
shoe to drop.
So, and I think there's athat's, it's like a a blessing
and a curse with that.

Speaker 2 (23:22):
I was raised by my grandparents and my grandma used
to always say have a plan b,have a plan.
Really.
Don't put all yeah yep, mygrandma's already.
So this yeah, all your figureit out basket.
And I say that meaning like inmy previous relationship, it was
the most vulnerable I had everbeen in my life.
However, I still had someguards up and some reservations

(23:49):
about being 100% allowingsomeone to lead, because I've
been running literally my family, the adults since I was a child
Really, absolutely yes, I'vebeen in my grandparents would
consult with me about any andevery decision that they made as

(24:11):
a child.
Wow, I was going to say you wasalways very grown up though,
like even I was saying earlier,like you was, even when we were,
like we were kids.
You were always very grown up,like, yeah, and as a small child
I was very sheltered.
Um, I was with ties to my roomtip and I enjoyed that.

(24:33):
I didn't know life outside ofhanging with my, the seniors.
That's probably why I have mygold soul.
Um, and then I came toHarrisburg, maybe around 12-ish,
for a summer with my mom, whocame to Harrisburg for a drug
treatment program.
Um, promise Place are y'allfamiliar with Promise Place?

(24:56):
Well, I don't think it's aroundanymore, but they saved a lot
of lives.
Um, she was one of them.
But so she came here, attendedgadenzia and then transitioned
into promise place.
Okay, then they helped her,kind of like brethren, where
they, you know housing andthey'll get you on track with
plans to be self-sufficient.

(25:18):
So she got her first apartment.
I come out here, I'm coming,you know, for the summer, just
to visit her for a little bit.
And I was so excited because Ididn't, I never knew my mom
suffered from addiction.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
I had no idea, so they were shooting at you from
the ass.

Speaker 2 (25:35):
But there was a little too much protection.
Okay, because I was obliviousto that other way of living,
oblivious to that other way ofliving.
So I come here for the summerand I'm like this is amazing.

Speaker 1 (26:00):
I'm outside Right.
It's fun Right.

Speaker 2 (26:00):
Streetlights, where no supervision.
I'm like, oh, I love it here.
So I met one of my best friends, Paris, and we just had the
time of our lives for thatsummer.
But during that I was momming,which I never did.
I didn't cook, I didn't dolaundry, I didn't do.
I didn't know how to do any ofthose things because I didn't
have to.
When I came here with my mom,she was like oh yeah, no, no, no
, no, you wash dishes, you cookyou watch babies and I I'm like

(26:27):
so she raised you, like she'sjust an egg right.
So I immediately jumped intobeing in charge and, um, it's
like, almost like, from thatpoint on, I guess my
grandparents were just like, oh,okay, she's, we've been babying
her, but she's mature.
And then it was like well,krista, I'm thinking about what

(26:47):
do you think about this?
Oh yeah, no, we should do that.
Oh well, you know one of myuncles.
Well, your uncle asked me whatdo you think?
No, I don't think that's a goodidea, because I'll start
running the family, and it justwent from there.
But I say all that to say, um,I'm at a place now where I'm
like, probably, maybe like thelast two years, I don't want to

(27:08):
be in charge anymore, that's, Ino longer want to be in charge.
I want to just be in charge ofme and my nine-year-old and I
want to guide my grown children.
But everybody else, no.
I had to get to a point where Iwas comfortable with saying,
not, today, I can't handle whatyou're calling me to suffer.

(27:29):
Today.
I can't handle it because nowI'm carrying my baggage, I'm
carrying her baggage, her bag.
It's just too much.
Did you feel guilty the firsttime?
You said I did?
Of course I did yeah, and in myI played it out in my head
several times yeah, okay, whenthis you know, you have your
people who are always calling onyou.
Okay, the next time they call,what am I going to say?

Speaker 1 (27:50):
And I didn't want to be like no, that's fine.

Speaker 2 (27:53):
Absolutely I had to.
I had to because I didn't wantto not be there because it's
like but they need me, but thenI need me, my kids need me, but
then I need me.
My kids need me and they needthe best version of me and I
can't keep depleting me andgiving them the scraps, because
that's what was happening.
My family was getting thescraps, even yourself, yeah,

(28:17):
right, exactly, um, buteverybody else was getting the
best.
So for me to say, I hadpostpartum.
After I had josiah, I was indenial, not me.
I could never I couldn't tell it, not me, no, um, I didn't tell
anyone.
I was embarrassed and I'm like,now that I'm thinking about it,

(28:39):
stars about having both.
I no, because I'm the strongperson, I'm the one everybody
comes to for everything.
So it's like I can't say, hey,I'm struggling myself because I
want to be present for everyonearound me, because I've always
been present for everyone aroundme since a child.

(28:59):
So now I'm just getting to theplace where, if I can't mentally
handle it not today, so how didyou get through postpartum I?
barely got through it, but.

Speaker 1 (29:14):
Well, clearly you did .
You're sitting here with us.

Speaker 2 (29:15):
Well, yes, it was definitely a struggle because
when you're going through that,initially I didn't know I had
postpartum.
I didn't know what was going onbecause I lost my grandma.
So I was grieving and I, theway I grieve my grandma's loss,
like some of the, I still can'teven.

(29:37):
She's been gone 10 years and itjust still feels like she
passed just about.
I don't think I've ever lovedsomeone so much, because that
woman was everything toeverybody.
But for me I was her child.

(29:57):
I was her granddaughter and mymom.
She got pregnant whileattending Cheney.
The plan was for mygrandparents to take me
temporarily until she finishedschool.
Well, while attending schoolshe started using drugs.
Don't know what her drug choicewas in that period, but she

(30:20):
started using drugs and me beingwith my grandparents ended up
being a forever thing.
So my grandmom quit her job andbecame a stay at home mom of me.
I mean, she brought me homefrom the hospital, so I was her
child.
Really, yes, yep, and I justnever left.

(30:43):
Oh, wow, yep.
And I just never laugh, oh, wow, yeah.
And there would be periods,like I was talking about earlier
, where I would come to wherevermy mom was trying to get her
life back on track, but I was,like I said, very shielded and I

(31:08):
didn't know anything about drugaddiction or my grandparents
never spoke about it.
Yeah, anytime I asked, it justwas like, oh, you know, she's
figuring things out, or, um,never did they say she's on
drugs.
I didn't find that out until Icame to Harrisburg and, uh, saw
some paraphernalia and I'm like,well, what do you do with this?

(31:29):
That had to be a lot.
Yeah, right, to go from beingin a hole.
You know about just eatersWatching the stories all day.

Speaker 1 (31:43):
I mean that's the best life.
What Like the best life what?

Speaker 2 (31:46):
Like the mayor of General.

Speaker 1 (31:47):
Hospital.

Speaker 2 (31:48):
Right, well, her two TVs.
You remember the two TVs?
Yes, TV on top of the TVBlasting.
Yes, what.

Speaker 1 (31:56):
You got to catch both of your shows Two.

Speaker 2 (31:59):
TVs two different shows, and they're both on level
100.

Speaker 1 (32:03):
And I'd be sitting here laughing so hard to follow.

Speaker 2 (32:09):
But yeah.
So then, coming here and justfinding out that there's a whole
nother life outside of the boxI've been living in and a part
of me, I was very uncomfortable,but I wanted that relationship
with my mom, of course, eventhough my grandmom, like my
grandparents- are everything.

(32:30):
But I still wanted thatrelationship with my mom and
regardless of what she did andhow she made me feel, because
momming was not her thing.
She didn't know how to be a mombecause she suffered from
mental illness for one.
And then you add some addictionon top of mental illness, it's

(32:52):
a recipe for disaster.
It really is.
But the classic part about heris she was an amazing
grandfather.
Well, she was really is.
But the classic part about hershe was an amazing grandfather.
Well, she was in the aunt toour boys, meaning like when they
were growing up, she just, Idon't know, that was like her

(33:13):
trying to make up do yeah word,but she, she, she did.
She was amazing.
They loved her to death.
You couldn't tell them nothingyeah but the problem of that
with being a mom and, you know,being that mama bear, it's like
I'm not subjecting my kids toany exact richness I was
subjected to, so we almost hadto micromanage their

(33:33):
relationship with her and asmuch as our kids enjoyed going
with her, we had to put thoserestrictions.
Sick cards yeah, because ain'tno telling where the kids would
be and as much as our kidsenjoyed going with her, we had
to put those restrictions, sickcards.
Yeah, because ain't no tellingwhere the kids would be or what
they could see, you know, whenbeing with her.
So sometimes it'd be a littlebit too much exposure.
But you don't want to not allowthem to build that relationship

(33:56):
with her.
But you definitely had tomonitor it.
A perspective is interesting,right?
So your perspective is like shewas great and immediately
you're like well to her.
Yes, because they don't knownothing about like what her
extracurricular activity thatwas.
We knew, so we had I more sohave a closer relationship with

(34:21):
her than krista did, becausekrista just had her right with
her from like growing up andwhat she had to experience with
her.
So a lot of the times she wouldcommunicate with me with stuff.
However, she loved hergrandkids and that was, like her
, her main thing, that shewanted to make sure that she had
a relationship with them and itwas a matter of, like Krista
said, trying to protect the kidsfrom knowing what her life is

(34:48):
really about, even though she'staking them to the store and
buying them candy and they'rehaving movie nights and doing
all the fun things.
She was also probably trying tomake up for lost time too, like
trying to redeem herself oratone for the things that she
had done.
So but in her, for from ourperspective, the kids didn't
look at her, but nothing much.
You know, grandmom, and I'mronnie, and she was there, this

(35:10):
amazing person which is greatbecause they probably, you
probably protected them the sameway your grandparents protected
you from her, and kudos to youfor, um, being able to allow
that and, I'm sure, fight thefeeling of, well, why not me,

(35:32):
why not, like I was not enoughenough.
You're right there.
Oh, you know, she made it.
Yes, she is.
You cared about them, so youhave the capacity because I see
you doing it.
So what was it like about me?
And I did have to struggle withthat.

Speaker 1 (35:54):
Feeling like why couldn't I have my mom?
Why wasn't IMF to?
You know, get off the drugs.
Yeah, Like I said, I don't knowlife before being a mom, I will
lay my life on the ground, formy life, I'm going to play with
my kids.

Speaker 2 (36:16):
So I just can't.
I couldn't never wrap my headaround why, birthing this
beautiful baby that you justlove oh so much, you just boast
about, and then it's like okay,here, mom, give me off to your
parents, and you go lick yourNow.
Did she raise her step?
She didn't raise any of herchildren.

Speaker 1 (36:37):
So when your mom was growing up, right, it was almost
as if Well for parents, right,but it was almost as if, okay,
don't know, were your mom anddad together?
Were they married at all?
No, they were never married.
I was when you were growing upin a society where you know, you
grow up, you have children,right.
It wasn't like it was a choice.

(36:59):
Although some women in thatgeneration had the strength to
speak up and say, no, I'm, I'mokay being without a child, most
of them had children as soon asthey were like 19.
Right, um, cause, I know tothis day, or way my mother
raised us was hey, you gottafigure out who you are first

(37:19):
before you could become a we, soyou know who me is before you
become a we.
So maybe and I know that if shehad to do it all over again,
she probably would have waitedto have children, just based on
the conversations that she haswith her daughters, now that
maybe your mother, you know, putin a situation she felt as
though, well dang, okay, I hadthis child, I thought I wanted

(37:42):
children and now I'm decidingthat I don't, and then she
didn't know what to do.
So her escapism, not makingexcuses at all, right, but just
maybe looking for a perspectiveof okay, so why did she choose
not to want to raise, you know,a child?
Well, that was actually thebest decision.

Speaker 2 (38:00):
That's where I needed the idea, so she was selfless
in a way.
Yes, I would, absolutely.
I would say that, um, becausethat was the best dream yeah,
what a big yeah, that experienceat all.
Yeah, see, right, because thelittle periods of time that I
would um be with her, we'd behere all day talking about those
experiences.
But, yeah, she did the bestthing by allowing my

(38:25):
grandparents to raise us.

Speaker 1 (38:29):
But yeah so.

Speaker 2 (38:31):
I just felt like I could go down the regular hole.
We love it we love it.
That was a lot.
We have some grooms huh, thatwas a lot.
That was a lot.
We have some room, Tom.
That was a lot.

Speaker 1 (38:42):
You know what?
You literally just helpedsomebody.
Yeah, I promise you, you helpedsomebody.
So thank you.
And I'm getting choked up.
Can we talk about the food realquick?
The food is amazing.
The food is so good.
Try to stop crying.
Almost gone, I know, right,right, are you able to eat?

(39:05):
Did anybody eat?
Yeah, I ate.
Yeah, it's delicious.
No, it is.
It's really good.
It is, it is really good.
Yeah, so she told me I forget.
I asked for a surprise, butit's really really good.
I don't know what it is.
It's like a omelet with steakand it has rice in it.
There's even some ketchup in it,like I'm just like Because I
love ketchup with eggs and Inever had a booth like that.

(39:27):
I love ketchup, that's such athing.
So it's really good and ittastes like it might have like a
little bit of barbecue sauce init, so yeah, yeah, chef, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,yes, yes, yes, we love it.
Yeah, chef, yes, yes, yes, yes,yes, yes, yes, yes, we love it.
Yes, mr Shonda, so she's ourcommunity relationship pro.
I don't know if y'all know thisor not, but she hates the title

(39:49):
.
She hates it.
Did you know why she got thetitle?
She's doing her man, since shewas maybe eight years old I was
not hey.

Speaker 2 (40:00):
Hot eight years old.
I was not eight Hot third grade.
I was not going to go togetherthis third grade.
So clearly she's going to gotogether.
Real bad.
She said she was on theplayground.
Like that's my man.

Speaker 1 (40:10):
No, literally, literally.

Speaker 2 (40:15):
I was here before all y'all been together.

Speaker 1 (40:17):
Oh my goodness, this year made 32 years Some of them
to be with teenagers.
They've been married to onethis year.
Oh my God, I think they'requalified.
That's right, absolutely.
That's like the same as forever.
Yeah, it is, that's what it'sabout Forever.

Speaker 2 (40:36):
As soon as I heard your accent, I said she from New
York.
Yeah, Me too.
Forever.
And as soon as I heard youraccent, I said she's from New
York yeah, me too.
I said I was born in HarlemHospital and I also live in the
Bronx.
I'm from the Bronx and I canhear it.
It's from Harlem.
Okay, that's my new.
You're definitely sounding likeyour body.
Yeah, Brooklyn, sound a littledifferent than that.

(40:57):
She's had her talking on theZoom the other day.

Speaker 1 (40:58):
I was like she's from New York, that's right the day
I was like she's from New York,that's right, so she's almost at
a little disadvantage.
Actually, both of us are.
Y'all are.
No one knows this, but now theyknow we're going to catch on
the back.
Y'all four know each other.
Yeah, me and her know each other, oh wow yeah and we wanted to
have a conversation like an openconversation, because we always
see each other from afar youknow what I mean and we admire

(41:21):
each other.
Absolutely good energy.
So, yeah, her and I are at adisadvantage, but we catching up
.
Yeah, we catch it up onlybecause it's amazing that you
could be from different places.

Speaker 2 (41:34):
yeah, the same experience.
Yeah, I was relating to youwhen you talked about the
irritability and it wassomething that my children
actually were to about eight,probably about two years ago.
I was like, why am I doing that?
And I found it regular that itwas a thing like, yeah, I get

(41:55):
irritable quick.
I didn't know in this situation.
So I realized that undercoverit was anxiety, stop being able
to control the situation, thetime, whatever, and then trying
to wait, wait, hold on a minuteor by snapping and being snappy.
And then I realized that it wasabout creating boundaries.
So this year, as difficult asit was, it's like I'm creating

(42:20):
boundaries.
Um, the first time I did it, Icried myself into a nap guys.
I seriously did.
I came home from work I had areally hard day at work a
student that I was trying to getto graduate I just knew it
wasn't gonna happen and I feltkind of the fear.
So I came home and I wasalready like feeling the way and

(42:43):
my girls kept calling and Godbless them, I love them.
But sometimes they just callabout stuff that's like, in the
grand scheme of things, it's notimportant to me at this moment.
Yeah, so I sent a text and Iwas like I love y'all a lot but

(43:06):
I'm not taking any phone callsfor the rest of the day if it's
an emergency.
You said that to your kids.
They didn't take that to a lot.
They didn't.

Speaker 1 (43:09):
It took a lot for me to do it, and it's the reason I
cried myself into the nap.

Speaker 2 (43:11):
But when I woke, up from the nap, I just felt so
good about setting the boundaryand I think that I probably
cried myself to speak because,little Trishanda needed that.
It wasn't even about47-year-old Trishanda, it was
about little Trishanda takingthe control and setting a

(43:35):
boundary.
Because same thing I always dofor people.

Speaker 1 (43:39):
I'm always.
She always does for people.

Speaker 2 (43:41):
I literally call me to say anything.
I'm there, I'm helping, I'mwhatever.
So and it it bothered me themost that it was my children
that had to experience it first.
But that is everything.
For a reason, because now thatI set the boundary with them for
that particular day, it'seasier for me to have the
conversations with other peoplelike hey, y'all, I'm not, I'm

(44:03):
not coming because I just don'tfeel like coming.
I used to eat me up.
That's the yeah, that's thepart.
Why is it so hard for?
Convicted by my words, I don'twant to go, yeah, like if I say
I'm coming, I gotta go nowbecause I said it out of my
mouth, but it's like I reallyneed to stay home or I really
don't have to go or I don't haveto be on every scene.

Speaker 1 (44:24):
So I commend you for that it's integrity, that is,
and it's a struggle because youwant to show up for people.

Speaker 2 (44:32):
But I'm like, yeah, no, I'm not.
I'm not feeling that today, oryou know what I'm going to draw
separately, because I want to beon my time too like those types
of things.

Speaker 1 (44:42):
You do be in jail like oh damn, sit in the house,
right, I need you there.
So great, either go.
I said go, but I, I know, eversince I've done that, my
irritability had dropped down somuch because I'm able to
control what I want to involvemyself in, what I don't want to

(45:06):
involve myself in what I want tohear, what I don't want to hear
what I don't want to converseabout that day.

Speaker 2 (45:11):
I don't want to hear about politics that every day.

Speaker 1 (45:17):
I don't want to hear about it.
I don't care that.
Hear about it.
I don't care that Rihanna ispregnant.

Speaker 2 (45:23):
No disrespect to Rihanna, but there are things
that people just want to go onand on about.
I'm learning how to put thoseboundaries in place.
No, I'm not cooking tonight.
Yellow grown enough to cook foryourself and being an empty
nester now I had to take all ofthat back.
Thank you, you're my priest,god, I ate it, I love it.

(45:50):
We could have been that soon,but we decided to have more
babies Fall in love.
They said Afghans.
They said who are they Exactly?

Speaker 1 (46:02):
They was what.

Speaker 2 (46:05):
That is so funny.
It's the control.
So when you ask about what isfeeding, you right now it is
relinquishing control Gurri, somy son.

Speaker 1 (46:17):
Why is that so hard?
These are so hard.

Speaker 2 (46:24):
Yeah, my son is 21 21 and he's in college.
Just went back this pastweekend from his senior year, uh
, and I tell him all the timeever since he's been young said
I love you, make good choicesyeah that's what our parting
thing, our partying thing with.
And now up to a point where,like, if he catches a case, it's
his, that's it.
I can't write only wordedemails.

(46:45):
They can't fix it.
I was the one going to thesuperintendent Like this is an
injustice for my baby.
Well, now, at 21, if you makelike, the choice is yours, but
so is the consequence.
And that is hard for me becauseit's just been the two of us for
so long.
I controlled everything, I madesure everything was okay, and

(47:09):
so releasing, like, what I lovethe most into a world that
doesn't love him the way that Ilove him, they don't know him
the way that I know.
Right, and not being able tocontrol that.
But I'm really dead at itprofessionally as well.
Right is the boundaries, anduntil I started to view it as my

(47:33):
own hubris, so tied to your, ifI don't show up to work today,
it still would stop.
It's still where it's correct.
It doesn't collapse.
And for me to put myself in aposition where if I don't do it,
it doesn't get done, that isarrogance.
That's the arrogance.

(47:54):
That's how she ever is.
Somebody's going to do it orit's just going to be there
tomorrow.

Speaker 1 (47:59):
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(48:19):
Now back to the show.

Speaker 2 (48:20):
And I think to that point there was like this TikTok
that was like take yourvacation days, do everything
you're supposed to do, becauseif you die today they gonna post
your job tomorrow.
So do all of the things,Because the work is still gonna
get done without you.
My little girl is trying tofigure out the words to write in
my obituary.
How obituary has it made it topen live?

(48:42):
But my job is posted.
They're already doing a candiddesign and I was everything to
him and Madonna and I are eachother's.
I'm going to write her, she'sgoing to write mine.
Yeah, and we're the literarywriters For everybody.
Yeah so because we're thewriters, it comes to us.
So they for everybody.

(49:02):
Yeah.
So because we're the wreckers,it comes to us.
So they'll say madonna, we needto get right this.
And she gets on the phone withbina murkagati.
Same for me.
You know somebody in my familypasses that I'm too close to.

Speaker 1 (49:10):
I'm gonna write it I didn't know the dynamic here.
So she's a writer too.
For her, sure, for your family,yeah, so, and it's the hardest
thing.

Speaker 2 (49:22):
And they call you with ease, guilty, you got to
pull up.
And I think that really, Ithink where I'm grateful for
that piece is that if I'm tooemotionally tied to it, like
Denise can do it and she knowsenough about it, you know to say

(49:45):
, all right, cool, here's what Icame up with, you know, and
most of the time I don't evenlook at it Like I'm passing it
because I don't even want toread it, you know, and so I'm
grateful for that.
I'm super grateful for that.
You be having my back, girl,that I'm super grateful for that
, yeah, you be having my backgirl, hey, so at one point I was

(50:06):
really facing like my own washoliday and, um, we sat in the
hill having lunch one day and Itold her.
I said they, one of the bestgifts that I could give to you
is one of my best friends isthat I'll write my own obituary.
So that's how I do it in aGoogle Drive, and I'll give you
access to it because I don'twant to put that on her because

(50:26):
who else is going to do it?
We've been doing it for eachother for almost 50 years.

Speaker 1 (50:33):
Wrote their own obituary.
I plan to write mine, really,yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:38):
I have deaf anxiety so I wouldn't even be.
But I'm serious, like I dareyou all this suffering with that
as a child and I used toabsolutely hate my parents for
making me go to funerals, likeliterally.
So to this day it's like nodisrespect to anyone that passes
on, but it's like if Iabsolutely have to go to the I

(50:59):
don't say to penance at all,that's why I'm not there,
because, for, for whateverreason, for me, like that vision
the whole day, that is justlingers, yeah, forever, like not
sleeping at night and I didn'tknow that there was a such thing
as funeral anxiety.
Yeah, and I I relate that backto, like my I think what drew it

(51:21):
out of me was my godfather.
He was an older man and he waslike a friend of my grandmother,
so he was older.
But when he passed, when I wasprobably like nine years old, he
was a very like high yellow manwhen he died and at his funeral
he was very skinned in thecasket and I did not think that

(51:45):
that was the same person.
However, he was sick, like hehad cancer or something and
apparently, you know, your skincan change and all these things.
A nine-year-old, I don't know.
No better.
I'm looking and then you got meat the funeral or you're just
staring at this deceased personthe whole time.
I cannot do that.
So I literally like positionmyself to where I can't see,

(52:05):
because I just don't if I haveto be there, I just don't want
to be bothered with that.
But I'm like very much like a.
I wouldn't dare think ofwriting my own obituary, like I
have an end of the view stickdinner.
It's already closed.
I'm like darn, yeah, how do you?

Speaker 1 (52:22):
balance that, though, because I had someone that um
that actually passed awaygrandmother, he had to read her
casket me oh my aunt who's?

Speaker 2 (52:32):
uh, she's?
She just recently passed too,some months ago, but she's very
obese and they were having adifficult time getting her out
of the building in manhattan shein the high-rise building in
New York and she missed thewhole funeral.
So she was not letting themtake her sister without seeing
her for the last time.
So they had to lower the casket.

(52:54):
You know how they do all thethings, just the flower
arrangements.
She came and then they had toreopen it and I was just like
that's a lot to be kidding me,because I was already thrown off
with it to begin with.
My grandmother wasn't supposedto have a open casket.
My grandmother wanted to becremated, which she did.
But my mom saw that they did abeautiful job with putting her

(53:15):
together and she felt it wasnecessary.
So I showed up to the funeral,expecting not to see her and I
walk in and her casket is openand I sat right in the back and
my dad came and sat next to meand my dad said whenever you
ready to go up there, becausethis was the viewing time, I'll
walk up there with you.
But yeah, so the the wholefuneral service and all that, it

(53:38):
just it's a lot for Monica andthen to have to reopen the.
It was just too hard.
It was a lot.
I will have everything planned.
Choose a T.
My grandmother passed my dad'smom.
She had everything and I justalways joke with her.
I was in Korea so she still hadthe insurance man come by and
pick up her, check every part,and I was like you know, the

(54:03):
person I know that got a funeralon layaway.
You know, that was just like ageneration, I think.
But when she did pass,everything was laid out her
dress, her casket was picked out, everything.
So she had five boys and theymoved in tandem when they went
to the funeral home and theydidn't have to make a choice.
So she allowed us to just more,because funerals can bring out
the worst.
That no, like it might be a 500insurance policy and everybody

(54:28):
want a piece of it, like that'stalking out right, it was none
of that.
Everything was laid out andreally her only like demand was
don't put any red roses, redflowers on the caskets.
And so I'll never forget.
We're like in the limousinesand we're pulling off from the
uh, from william howard day, andsomebody not knowing had pulled

(54:50):
one from a wreath and set it onit and my dad hops out the
limit.
He's going to bogey runs and hegoes and he grabs it and being
sure that it's not on there sowe could like even in death we
could honor her, and we'realways like that's all we had to
worry about, had the same, justplay it, don't make sure it's
on there.
I was on the asking, theydidn't have to worry about

(55:11):
anything.

Speaker 1 (55:11):
One thing I do recommend.
I do recommend, if you like,don't want to attend a funeral
just from experience, especiallyif it's someone that's close to
you and you want to be there tosupport them.
You call them and let them knowyes, because I had the mistake
of someone that was near anddear to me.
They lost their father right,and I just the anxiety.
I can't.

(55:32):
I don't do funerals unless it'ssomeone that you know that's
directly For the unit.

Speaker 2 (55:37):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (55:38):
You know.
So, grandfather, you knowparents, that's it.
Anything else.
I'm just like I could supportyou in every other way by just
going to do the funeral thing.
I'll send flowers, I'll sendflowers, or I'll cook, I'll do
it.
I'm lying, I don't cook, jessewill cook, jesse will cook
Whatever.

(55:59):
Something, no, but just letthem know.
Because of that, it took us awhile to mend our relationship,
because they thought that I justwasn't there to support I was
getting selfish.
It has nothing to do with thatat all.
It has everything to do with Ijust know the capacity that I
have.

Speaker 2 (56:16):
I dealt with that with my family, with my aunt who
just passed, which was mygrandmother's sister.
The same aunt that I was sayinghad to be brought to the that
came to the funeral late and, um, she passed and my family
wasn't too happy that I didn'tcome um one not to sound selfish
, but the day wasn't convenientone, I don't, they live in New
York, I'm that's three and ahalf hours away from me, so I

(56:38):
was just kind of like well, theday's not working.
But, to be honest, I told mymother my mom knows me and I
told her I was just like I I'msorry but I just I'm not feeling
like yeah, and I always relatemy aunt back to my grandmother's
funeral because of the, theexperience right.
However, my grandmother'sfuneral was like probably the

(56:59):
toughest funeral for me becauseI watched my mom lose her mom.
That was a whole otherexperience in itself because I'm
very close with my mom.
My mom was very close with hermom and my mom was a totally
different person in this process, like even to the last viewing
before them closing the casket,and you go up to like view and

(57:21):
my mom and was like hysterical,yeah, I'm going up there to
consult her and she's snappingout at me and I'm just like mom,
it's me, and she's like I don'tcare, don't touch me.
So that whole experience wasjust like one that I would just
never like to to deal with again.
But it was a lot watching mymom lose her mom.
So, uh, yeah, I and my momknows me like I'm very blunt and

(57:45):
upfront wouldn't have theconversations with her, just
like I can't.
I just don't want to put myselfthrough the trying to like get
over that experience and justthe viewing, and I just wanted,
I don't want to, I don't want tosee her like that for the last
time.
How I remember her, the lasttime I saw her, is how I want to
remember her.

Speaker 1 (58:03):
I will you see how one question led to all of this?
Yeah, we didn't make the trip.
We did not.
We did not Tell us.
What season are you in yourlife?
I think God, at this point intime I'm just one.
I'm growing closer to that.

(58:24):
That's us.
I know you were saying likewhat's beating me.

Speaker 2 (58:26):
Yeah, right now is really the word of God, and I
think when you get to this age,you start knocking on 50, you
have to start asking yourselfsome questions, right?
And then when you look aroundand unfortunately see people
dying younger and younger, it'slike I'm in this season where my
happiness, my boundaries and myrelationship with God are the

(58:48):
utmost important to me, andthat's so that when God is ready
to call me home, I'm going tobe okay.
My mom always says this thingand she's like when I go, it's
okay because it is well with mysoul.
I hate that Me mom always saysthis thing and she's like when I
go, it's okay because it iswell with my soul.
I hate that Me and my sisterare like no, it's not well with

(59:09):
our soul.
I hate that.
I hate that they don't say Ihate that I'm learning to
understand what she means bythat Right, because I want to be
able to be at that point thatit will be well with me because
I did the things that I wantedto do.
I've traveled to the places thatI wanted to travel to.
I've experienced theexperiences and I didn't

(59:30):
overextend myself to the pointwhere I lived for other people
and didn't live for me.
So that's really where I'm at.
So it's a lot of saying no.
It's a lot of settingboundaries, which is difficult
for the people who use it.
Like look at Shonda, yeah, it'sdifficult for her, but I'm at

(59:52):
that.
I'm at that point.
And then, just again, some ofthe same sentiments finding out
who I am Again, some of the samesentiments bonding out who I am
.
I had Jake Hays in my senioryear of college, three days,
four days before graduation ohmy gosh.
So I've been in that mold.
And then my mom was a singlemom, so help her with my sisters

(01:00:15):
.
I've been in that mold for solong that now that the house is
just Julius and I, we trulyenjoy each other's company, but
sometimes even with him, I'mlike.

Speaker 1 (01:00:25):
I got too much.
Punch me in the nanny.
In my time I'll be in theoffice, right, sorry, I need
those moments because then I cansit there alone with myself and
say what's next for me?

Speaker 2 (01:00:40):
What's next for me?

Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
What does Treshawn want to do?
To do, yeah, so that's where Iam, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:00:46):
I think something that put um a lot of perspective
, a lot of things intoperspective for me was, maybe
like a month or two ago, therewas a girl who passed away with
my exact same birthday really,my exact same birthday, same day
, same month, same year.
We are the exact same age andshe was like a lawyer and she

(01:01:08):
had all of these thingsaccomplished and all these
people were posting about her.
She's from Philly.
All these people were postingabout her and I saw yeah, I saw
her birthday and was like I didsee that and I called Candace
this girl just.
I got so emotional because it'slike, if he just took me

(01:01:30):
tomorrow, am I like, am I ready?
Have I done everything I'msupposed to do?
Like is like, am I right withGod?
I'd like to think that I am,you know, but it's like, if he
took me tomorrow and I don'tthink she was sick or anything,
you know, it was just like is itjust?
Is it that kind of thing?
It's just like that, and I'mlike 44 really, you know.

(01:01:51):
So it's just like it jarred mysystem, like it was crazy, and
it's like, normally, you know,somebody's like 50, somebody's
60.
Like it's not, it's sad, butit's like I'd never seen anybody
who passed at my exact samebirthday.
And I was like, oh my God, Iwas born in Philadelphia.
I'm like we might've been bornin the same hospital, right?
No?

(01:02:11):
And it's like our lives areparallel and it's like what am I
supposed?
What am I supposed to do andwhat am I supposed to do?
And it's like I fight thisfeeling like I'm running out of
time.
Oh my god, oh my god, because Ifeel like there's so much

(01:02:32):
that's still left to be done andI feel like I have more years
behind me than ahead of me andit's like I just feel like I'm
racing against the clock and Iwork with my therapist because
I'm like I gotta get off of thisfeeling, but I feel like all
the time people are leaving thisplace and that's also why I
feel like I have to do so much.
Yes, that's where I had tolearn what my health scare.
Back in February, if you got a,some of you don't know, they

(01:02:54):
thought I had a blood clot, um,in my leg, which is like again,
you go, go, go.
You don't pay attention.
Something was wrong with my legand I could feel that something
was wrong with my leg.
However, I'm just equating itto oh, I've been baking every
day and I'm standing on my feet.
I do this a lot, so that's justwhat it is.

(01:03:15):
And then, eventually, it waslike okay, god's like okay.
The beginning of the week, Igave you a couple days to give
you this little bit of warnings.
Now, towards the end of theweek, I'm going to make this
morphine sustained by theweekend.
I'll sit down.
The emergency the night sitdown.
So I'm like Google University.

(01:03:35):
I'm looking up to see, like,well, you know, that's the worst
, they'll have you in a cast.
From number one, beingcompletely healthy.
I've never had to takemedications, I've never had
anything wrong that I'm thinking, okay, what, what could be
going on in my laying that's,you know, bothering me to the
point where the night before Iended up in the emergency room

(01:03:58):
I'm putting the hot, uh, uh,heating pad on my leg and I have
my leg propped up and I'mmassaging it and it's just like
getting more irritated and I'mlike, okay, if my leg feels like
this in the morning, I'm gonnago to urgent care.
And from urgent care I ended upin the emergency room to find
out that I had a blood clot inmy leg.
So a blood clot ultimatelyresulted in me being on blood

(01:04:20):
thinners now indefinitely andI'm like indefinitely, like that
doesn't even sit well with mebecause we can't pinpoint where
the blood clot came from.
I don't smoke, I haven't beenon like a flight for a long
period of time where I'm sitting.
I didn't have an injury, Ididn't have a surgery, like all
these things we're going throughto figure out how did I get

(01:04:42):
this blood clot?
And nothing's coming about.
I've gotten blood tests done.
I've gone to a hematologist thelast round of figuring this out
.
Next month I have to go see avein specialist because I do
have my same leg, where theblood clot was in my calf, some
varicose veins forming, so theywant to check that out to rule

(01:05:06):
out, to see if that could havecaused it.
But if not, then there'snothing to pinpoint where I got
this blood clot from.
And the hematologist isbasically like if we can't
figure it out, I don't feelcomfortable taking you off of
them.
She was like it's gone, the onethat you had.
However, it can come back, andnot to say it's going to come
back in your leg, and where itcan come back it can be deadly.

(01:05:27):
So she's like I don't feelcomfortable taking you off of
them and I'm like, okay, well,can we revisit me on this
medication, like in another fewmonths, because indefinitely I'm
only 43, like I.
It was a point where thathappened and then I had some
kind of injury to my other anklethat I ended up having to wear

(01:05:48):
a brace for.
So I have all these medicationssitting on my nightstand and
I'm like I feel like 70 yearsold for all these nights, how
you go from being completelyhealthy to now you fully
medicated.
But yeah, so it's just, it'shealth wise, I had to, like,

(01:06:10):
stop trying to take on all thethings.
However, I'm also in a spacewhere I feel like I can't not
take on all the things because,you know, financially I need to,
you know, be able to take careof my household and my kids.
I have grown kids, but they arealso very much dependent for me
, so that, even having thatconversation, unfortunately my

(01:06:31):
middle son is away.
He's incarcerated, and it'salso a matter of having these
repeated conversations with yourkids about who they hang out
with.
You know, I sacrifice a lot forme kids to not be in certain
environments.
However, they seek them, theyseek these environments and you

(01:06:55):
know I was struggling as asingle mom to pay $900 to $1,000
a month of rent, compared to$500 a month of rent, because I
didn't want my kids in certainareas.
However, we are now in the daysof social media because at one
point, when I was working in thecity, in the school district, a

(01:07:17):
lot of kids knew my son and I'mlike, how do you even know him?
He never even stepped foot inthis the square district, so
like, but they're acquaintedthrough you know mutual friends
and things and you know likeit's a, it's a hard place to be
in with my older two kids,because that even thinking about
like what if I'm not here?
That's already.
What I'm scared is like, whatare they going to do without me?

(01:07:39):
Yeah, because I feel like I wastrying to put them in a space
to, like you know, be fullysufficient for themselves.
And that is where I struggle,like where do I feel as a
penurhant?

Speaker 1 (01:07:51):
I think you should give yourself grace though.

Speaker 2 (01:07:54):
Yeah, go ahead, denise, go with them in a place
she did thank you, and at whatpoint do you accept and
acknowledge that the choices andconsequences are theirs?
Yes, I think, at the same timeas a mom.
That's very hard, very sure, myson being away, it's like he's

(01:08:17):
consistently calling me, like I,I can't save him.
So I struggle with that a lotbecause he's like mom, can you
do this?
Can you call this person?
It's almost like he wants me towalk in and be like let my son
out and I can't do that and and.
But you can continually say tohim is no, and I love you, right

(01:08:42):
, every time he mulls and asksyou something no, I can't, and I
love you because those two arenot mutually exclusive.
Right, because you're not doingfor him, does it mean that you
don't love him?
You still love him, right?
However, uh, kind of the weightof that is he.
Some days he's just got to walkout.

(01:09:04):
There are things that yourparents would have loved to just
raise their hand and take itaway from you, but they couldn't
.
That is so true.
And that's the hardconversation, because I'm scared
to him Like I wish you wouldhave just listened.
Yes, and it was actually.
I felt guilt because I put himout, but this was years of me

(01:09:27):
threatening him.
All right, enough is enough.
And then, like a few days afterChristmas, this past December,
I put him out because he justWell, hold on a second.
Because you didn't put him out.
You set a boundary, dan.
Well, yeah, hold on a second.
Hold on just for a second.
Because you didn't put him out.
You set a boundary, dan.
Well, yeah, you set a boundary.
He decided that he couldn'tadhere to that boundary.

(01:09:51):
That's right.
He made the decision to go, yes, but I still felt guilt after
the fact because, ultimately,with him not being under my
shelter after the fact, because,ultimately, with him not being
under my shelter, I felt likethis is what resulted in him,
you know, being in spaces thathe shouldn't have been granted.
I know he made the decision tobe there and I'm trying to
support him as best I can, butit's almost like he's 20, about

(01:10:17):
to be 22 as well, and it it'salmost like suck five.

Speaker 1 (01:10:26):
And he wants me to come like save him.
And Ajman, what do you have?
Mom guilt, which is soprevalent in today's society.
So one thing you have to do isone you can't be an enabler.
I can talk from experience.
You cannot.
So what's going on with youngmothers raising young men right
To be men is we can't raise themRight.

(01:10:48):
I'd be the first one to say it.
It's like how dare you say that?
Because I have a son, so I knowfrom experience.
If it had not been for myhusband, I truly believe that my
son may have faced going toprison or being swayed a
different way, because I don'tknow the life or the language or

(01:11:09):
the experiences that men haveto speak to it Right.
So one don't feel guilty.
You did the best you could withthe resources that you had.
Yeah, the second thing is.
The second thing is he's goingto have to learn how to fail
forward and it's going to be aspainful as it is.

(01:11:31):
You cannot enable him, youcannot.
You can talk to him and saythis is what I would suggest you
do, but he's going to make adecision and you cannot feel
guilty about the decisions hemade.

Speaker 2 (01:11:42):
And I'll tell you so.
When my little brother went tojail right, he only needed $300
to get out my mom called me andshe called both of my brothers
and she said if you get that boyout of jail, you will have a
problem with me, because heneeds to sit so that he can hear
from God.
He has not had an encounterwith God, he needs to have one.

(01:12:04):
I know it's not going to, y'allcould get him out.
Y'all could get him out today,cause when we're like how much
is it?
All right, $300 is nothing Likewe about to go get him.
He sat for six months for $300and he never went to jail.

Speaker 1 (01:12:19):
He never went to jail , that would be, and he never
went to jail.

Speaker 2 (01:12:20):
He never went to jail .
That was the case for my sonand I mean, even though I
struggled with the guilt of youknow not, that's natural.
I can't really do anything.
You did something that warnedyou to be there.
Absolutely, you're beingaccused of something, but I also
felt like I've been telling himfor so many years he's always
guilty by association.

(01:12:41):
It's because of the type ofpeople he wants to hang with.
He's never really the onedirectly doing anything.
He's always around.
He's been in place at the wrongtime.
Why are you there so this?
We've had hard conversationsand you know, just maybe two
weeks ago he called me.
He's emotional on the phone.
The conditions where he is isnot all that great and I said

(01:13:03):
it's not supposed to be.
The in the hopes is that thisis your one situation, that you
won't end up back there.
However, you know I I'm addinginsult to the injury at this
point by saying to you I've toldyou this a million times watch
who you're hanging with.
Don't be in these certainplaces or certain areas.

(01:13:23):
You had the opportunity to behome.
However, you didn't want tofollow the rules that were going
on here and what I required geta job.
You know he didn't want to togo to school.
The the fight was to get him tograduate high school, so, like,
let's even start there.
So to get him across that stageto graduation.
I was hoping that thataccomplishment would catapult

(01:13:45):
him into, you know, wanting todo other things.
However, and did it, and I gavehim a little bit of time to
figure it out.
I he had more time than heshould have, but I said if you
don't want to go straight toschool or get into a trade or
something, I'm going to give youa year to figure out what you
want to do.
But you have to have a job.
And, of course, at that agehe's probably had 15 different

(01:14:06):
jobs, because he has one for acouple of weeks and then he gets
a paycheck and there's no jobanymore.
You're there everywhere.
It's kind of like I was askinghim for the last months before I
told him to actually leave.
You know you have to dosomething consistent because,
yes, you're not, you're my child.
However, you're about to be 21.

(01:14:28):
And I'm not at 19.
I was living on my own.
I had a baby.
I had a baby at five months.
By the time, my son was fivemonths old, I was moved out of
my parents' house.
So my dynamics and how.
I can't expect that from mykids.
However, just how I was, Iexpected them to just be in a
different place, especially atthis age where you know you're

(01:14:50):
putting yourself in a positionto be fully self-sufficient,
like you know.
But I never just like sodependent on me.
That's the struggle, even withmy 25 year old.
He was out in the house for alittle while and then he had to
come back home and he's at hisfair share of things that he's
been dealing with and trying toget him back on track.
But I'm like you're 25 and youstill don't like have your own

(01:15:12):
things.
Like you don't have your owncar.
You're not, as 26, have yourown house.
Like what are we workingtowards here?
Because you can't stay with meforever.
But I think too, because, asmoms who had their kids very
early, and the hustle and thepush, like I remember working
three jobs and I did all of thisto make sure Christmas happens
and school and all of thesethings that we're doing by

(01:15:34):
ourselves, and it's like I gotthis hustle in me why you don't
have this same hustle.
Where is the hustle at.
Well, we all throw that.
Did she see this lazy?
And I don't feel bad because Ithrow that in my kids' face.
Say that again.
We have to be our daughters andlove our sons.
Oh, we coddle them more.
Well, I tell my kids all thetime you gotta, there's this

(01:15:55):
expectation and you're supposedto do all of these things.
So then when you're 17, you'rea fully functional adult, like
just common sense, and boysdon't know how to do anything.
Nones get push in 30, over 30,in that kind of situations they
let home.
Yeah, and my parents both worked.
So I took and I'm the oldest ofall of my siblings, I'm

(01:16:15):
probably eight or nine yearsolder.
So my mom got.
My dad is my stepdad, butthat's my dad.
He's been with my mom since Iwas six.
My mom and my stepdad have twosons together, but my stepdad
had a son with him.
Then my mom got together andI'm older than all three of them
.
All of them are brothers.

(01:16:36):
That's my dad.
But my parents both worked.
So I was responsible for makingdinner, cooking.
That's why our cooks, why shecooks now, because I had my
mom's like listen, I'm gonnawork till six o'clock, I'm right
?
Yeah, home till six, I'm notcoming, I'm not coming home.
So I was responsible for makingsure my brothers got home from
school.

(01:16:56):
We had dinner, all those things.
I was that kid so I've alwaysbeen responsible and thinking.
Even when my brothers werebabies, I used to come home from
school, do my homework, go, getthem, take them in my room with
their bottles and their diapersand give my mom a break because
she was home all day with thenewborn, and take them right in

(01:17:16):
my room and keep them until thetime of the all would have
starved until she got correct.
Absolutely my brothers.
They care about nothing, but Ilove eat that fish and show them
with my brothers now, becausethey call me first for
everything, literally likeyou're their second mom

(01:17:37):
literally yeah, yeah, it's justinteresting, like you learned to
cook, like taking care of yourbrothers, right, I had such an
aversion to it.
Like my mom would be like oh,like, don't you want to come in
the kitchen to help me?
No, I'm over here, you know.
But when I was at mygrandparents house because I
spent a good deal of time at mygrandparents house my

(01:17:58):
grandmother would be like or my,even my grandfather oh, in
order to get a, this is what youneed to do.
We have to learn how to tie atie to get a husband.
You need to learn how to cookin order to get a husband.
This is your grandmother, thisis my grandmother and my
grandfather.
They would both say it Like mygrandpa.
I remember him standing.
He had somewhere to go.
He's like come here, girl.
He's like um, here I'm gonnateach you how to tie a tie,

(01:18:21):
because that's how you get ahusband.
Like.
That's like everything waspredicated around like in order
to, you have to be this yeah, inorder to do all of these things
, you got to learn how to takecare of a man, you know.
And so everything that Ilearned, all of these things
that I learned, even like thefirst thing that I learned how
to cook like I knew like when Imoved out on my own and I had my

(01:18:42):
son, the only thing I knew howto make was brownies and lasagna
.
Because I knew how to make.
I could make brownies, yeah, Icould make.
I could make brownies with myeyes closed.
And I can make lasagna, becauseI needed to learn how to make
lasagna so I could have ahusband like that was the thing
it's on was the winner.

Speaker 1 (01:19:00):
Yeah, that was so when I be trying to like hey, I
be trying to impress a man.

Speaker 2 (01:19:05):
I'm going to make lasagna, like I'm going to make
it and I made it so much thatnow, even like in dating and
stuff like, I would tellsomebody like, oh, if I make
lasagna that means I love you,like because it takes all day.

Speaker 1 (01:19:17):
You know, I think it takes all day.
Remember, wait, what's the headcamera?
What's the head camera?
What's this one right here, Ifshe makes lasagna for you?
Just know she's in love, RightI?

Speaker 2 (01:19:27):
love you, I love you.
Go make lasagna at Kikasi.
But those things, it's like somany things were predicated and
waited upon.
Trying to be a wife, you know,and it's just wow, like it's wow
.
That's something that I'munlearning to like.

Speaker 1 (01:19:43):
I'm unlearning that had to take two seconds to thank
Allstate Insurance forsponsoring this episode.
If you're looking for a carlife or casualty insurance,
they're going to be yourultimate insurance company.
Thank you, Rob Shaw.
With Allstate Insurance.

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