August 26, 2025 • 45 mins
She thought they were her ride-or-die. But some friendships nearly cost her everything.
Listen if you’re questioning the people in your circle, this might be the clarity you’ve been needing.
In this powerful episode of Coffee with E, Gillian Lawrence shares how walking away from toxic friendships saved her life and how you can protect your peace, too. From betrayal and burnout to boundaries and discernment, Gillian’s journey is both raw and inspiring.
If you’ve ever questioned who really belongs in your circle, this episode will give you the clarity and courage to choose peace over pressure.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
– How to recognize when friendships no longer serve you
– Why discernment is critical in protecting your peace
– The difference between associates, seasonal friends, and lifelong friends
– Gillian’s personal story of changing her circle and transforming her life
– Practical steps for creating a healthier, more supportive network
“Protect your peace and thrive in your purpose.” — Gillian Lawrence
Books by Gillian Lawrence:
– Moonlight: An Urban Love Story (Pre-order): http://www.guidedbygill.com/
– Crush Your Fear of Flying: https://www.amazon.sg/Crush-Your-Fear-Flying-yourself/dp/B0D3TSGD4L
Also available on:
Spotify: https://spoti.fi/469WOZv
Apple Podcasts: https://apple.co/3WkNWf8
Special thanks to our sponsors:
TOCH Construction • Allstate Insurance – Rob Shaw
Chavis Law Firm • Dirty Dog Hauling • Fidelis Mortgage
💼 Powered by The Erica Rawls Team
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Erica Rawls (00:00):
I had to learn that everybody is not your friend.
Everybody doesn't deserve aseat at your table.
Some people are associates,some people are your lifelong
friends, some people were therefor a season and some people
were there to teach you a lesson.
So I think it's important thatpeople as us in general women in
general as well is to reallytake inventory of the people in
our life and also utilize ourdiscernment and exercise our
(00:21):
discernment and why this personis in our life and exercise our
discernment in why this personis in our life.
Gillian Lawrence (00:25):
Have you ever had a situation where you were
in a friend circle and then, asyou start to evolve, you realize
that the friends that used tobe your friends have changed?
Or have you changed?
(00:49):
For example, your friends incollege, you hit it off very
well and then, all of a sudden,one of you get married.
Then the dynamics start tochange and then you feel, when
you have that conversations likeyou used to have, staying up
all night with them something'sjust not clicking.
That support that you two usedto have, staying up all night
with them, something's just notclicking.
That support that you two usedto have or your group used to
have, is no longer the same.
(01:10):
Why is that?
That's exactly what we're goingto be talking about today with
our guest, jillian Brooks, whois an author, a multifaceted
businesswoman and, as she says,your girl's girl, and we're
going to get into it.
Welcome, jillian.
Hi, how are you?
(01:31):
I'm good, good, beautiful, set.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thankyou.
I'm so glad to have you here.
I'm happy to be here.
Yeah, because we were talkingbefore we actually started
shooting this episode, like,okay, so how did we meet Right?
How did we're just trying tofigure it out.
You're like I don't know.
And then I started thinking,you know why or how we met?
(01:52):
Was the fact that I'm drawn topeople that are just naturally
dynamic, right, that aren'tafraid to speak their truth, and
they're just multifaceted,right, and not only do they say
the thing they actually do, thething that's right, that's me is
that you, that's me, I'mtelling you.
So I gravitated to you and Iwas like you know what?
(02:14):
I want to check her out.
And then we connected on IG andI saw that you were doing your
podcast, right, guided by Jill.
Yes, said hey, I think we needto collaborate.
Yes, absolutely, and that's whywe're here, yes, and I'm happy
to be here.
I'm happy to have your platform.
Erica Rawls (02:32):
Oh, thank you.
Gillian Lawrence (02:33):
I love your platform.
Erica Rawls (02:34):
Thank you so much.
It's clean, it's professional.
I love it, so I'm so happy tobe here.
Gillian Lawrence (02:39):
Yeah, thank you so much.
So we're going to get into it.
Let's get into it.
So we're going to be talkingabout friendships Gulp, when to
change your circle.
So I shared of a situationwhere we see a lot of times that
the evolution of friendshipsRight, so let's just get right
(03:00):
into it.
Let's share a scenario whereyou may have felt like you were
hurt or how you decided, how youhad to navigate through that.
Let's just get right into it.
Erica Rawls (03:12):
So in regards friendships are.
I think friendships for me isis a touchy subject.
I feel like I takeaccountability for my actions.
So I feel like, as I'm growingand as I'm going into my journey
, people have fallen to thewayside in regards to
(03:33):
friendships.
But I will.
I'm not going to pinpoint likeany particular situation,
because my friend circle is verysmall, yeah, so if I do speak
on something, they they're gonnaknow probably who I'm talking
about, right?
so um, but all, all the otherwomen, right, right, right but
so, um, there has been timeslike I'm almost, I'm 38, I'll be
(03:54):
39 next month, um, so I'm upthere, I'm, I'm getting to that
40.
Gillian Lawrence (04:00):
I've had some life experiences, though, I'm
sure, and um, I will say that umone.
Erica Rawls (04:02):
I've had some life experiences, though, I'm sure,
and um, I will say that, um, onething I've learned is that, um,
one thing that's superimportant as you are getting
older or as you're in yourjourney, is to always have
discernment about the peoplearound you.
Um, so, of course, like you said, there's people that we become
friends just because the energyis right, or we've met, we met
(04:23):
somewhere and we just hit it off.
Um, and sometimes I don't thinksubconsciously, that we take
inventory on that person and whythey're in our lives.
And so this is something thatI'm learning to do as I've
gotten older is that when I meetpeople, I had to learn that
everybody is not your friend,everybody doesn't deserve a seat
at your table.
Some people are associates,some people are your lifelong
friends, some people were therefor a season and some people
(04:45):
were there to teach you a lesson.
So I think it's important thatpeople as us in general women in
general as well is to reallytake inventory of the people in
our life and also utilize ourdiscernment and exercise our
discernment and why this personis in our lives.
Gillian Lawrence (05:01):
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Now back to the show.
You think all women havediscernment.
Erica Rawls (05:24):
I think it's, and I think it's in all of us.
I think, just like any tool orany, just like any thing that
you do, you should exercise that, that tool or utilize that tool
of discernment, and I don'tthink a lot of us even maybe
don't know that we have it or wedon't know how to utilize it.
Gillian Lawrence (05:45):
That's a fair point, yeah, because I think OK.
So, just talking aboutdiscernment in itself, I do
believe that you have theability to discern, and I think
through this is what I found tobe true Some people are gifted
to have a higher sense ofdiscernment, and so you may hear
people say I'm an empath, theycan feel things right.
(06:06):
I also think you can trainyourself to be that way.
Yeah, just through meditation.
The more you meditate, justreally look inside of yourself,
I truly believe that you know,through that experience of that
time, right, you start to feelstart to feel it and you
exercise, you exercise it right.
Erica Rawls (06:24):
Or the stronger that your relationship becomes
with your higher power, youstart to feel it and you
exercise, you exercise it Right.
Or the stronger that yourrelationship becomes with your
higher power, you start to learnto go to him first, right,
before you act on your rawemotion, because our raw emotion
, yes, you can be an empath, youcan be all of these things, you
know a people, person, you canbe all these things, but if
you're not protecting yourselffirst, and that's to go to your
(06:44):
higher power and say, why am Ihaving this experience?
Why is this person in my life?
Why, right, or are they allowedto be here, then you will
experience these situationswhere you have, where you become
hurt, you feel used, you feelabandoned, all of those things
because I have, I have learnedas I've gotten older that
(07:04):
sometimes people are not incontrol of what they're doing.
Right, yeah, they may be sentfrom other things Right, to come
on on missions, right, andagain, with the raw emotion and
us just like, wanting love,wanting to fill a void, we allow
people in situations into ourbubble and they can ultimately
destroy us, teach us a lesson orhelp us grow.
(07:28):
And so I will say that, um, ofcourse I've had situations in my
life where I was hurt.
Of course I've been in thesewacky, petty things with females
.
Who hasn't?
We're women, this is our, thisis our natural fair, that's who
we are naturally, naturally.
Um, but to say and pinpointexactly like that this person
hurt me.
I take accountability for thatbecause I allowed that person
(07:50):
into my life and it was a lessonfor me and hopefully they
walked away with a lesson aswell.
Um, yeah, so that kind of sumsthat up for me.
I don't like to pinpoint andsay, oh, this person hurt me, or
this person, of course we'vebeen hurt you know, right.
Gillian Lawrence (08:06):
So as you evolved from you know high
school, you know, to college,then becoming a mom, like, have
you seen how your relationshipsevolved?
And right were there, did youlike?
How did you learn that?
Okay, the people that are in mylife today right, are here for
(08:27):
just that season, versus theones that are here for a
lifetime.
Erica Rawls (08:31):
Right.
So I want to reiterate, I wantto go back on something.
I actually went to high school,became a mom, went to college.
Gillian Lawrence (08:37):
OK, yeah, so I was yeah.
Erica Rawls (08:39):
So I was a teen.
I had my son when I was 19years old, ok, so I did not go
to college.
Right after high school, I wasa mom right away.
I didn't go back to collegeuntil I was like 27.
Okay, after I had my seconddaughter, after I had my second
child.
So I have friends from highschool.
I still have friends from highschool.
That's awesome.
I just was on the phone with mybest friend, like we talk for
(09:00):
hours throughout the day.
We've been friends since wewere 15 years old.
She's still my friend and Ihave other friends as well from
high school.
So those people have beenthrough it with me and I think
just that is such.
I think that's such a gift fromGod because it's like, it's
like a family member, rightSomebody that you're gifted like
(09:22):
your mom or your dad, whetherthe situation, whether that
relationship be positive ornegative experience, but to be
gifted a friend like that thathas been with you through every
phase of your life and we jokeall the time because I'm like I
can't believe like you're thisbig IT developer.
Like we went to school together, we drank mad dog 2020 together
, like we part.
Like I can't believe likeyou're this serious person and
(09:43):
in her, the same with me.
She's's just like.
You're so fake You're on thephone with those people.
You're being fake because thisis just like we've known each
other since we were kids, sure,so love that relationship.
Yes, I have friends ever since Iwas, since we've been in high
school, and then I have a groupof friends now who have taught
me the meaning of family.
I have a very small family.
(10:06):
I come from a single parenthome.
My mother raised me by herself,a single mother.
My father was incarcerated forthe first seven years of my life
and then after that he went offand, you know, my mom raised me
by herself.
Very small family, but my friendgroup that I have now.
They taught me about likesisterhood.
They taught me about like, theytaught me how to travel because
I used to travel a little bitbut when I met them we did
traveling on a whole notherlevel, um, and it's now like
(10:29):
they're like my family, um, andwe, you know they invite me to
things to in their family thatare very intimate and private
and I get to experience andlearn those lessons of what,
like larger families look like,because I didn't have that um.
So yes, in that journey it'sjust like you know, you have
people and things in betweenthat happen.
But you know, I look at, I'mvery optimistic, I'm a very
(10:51):
optimistic person Like.
I try to look at the good andeverything.
I will be petty, though.
I'll have my moments of pettyand be like I remember that you
know or I see somebody I meanGod is working on me's, working
on me, I'm, he's working on me,um.
So I'm not going to say that, Iwon't say that I don't have
that pettiness in me, because Ido.
(11:11):
But I'm very optimistic and I'mI do value where I'm at right
now and the relationships in mylife right now good so okay, so
share a time when you knew thatyou had to separate, separate,
yeah.
Gillian Lawrence (11:26):
And how did that feel?
Erica Rawls (11:28):
So there was a time in my life when, like I was
telling you before, like howwrong can we get?
I lived a.
I lived a wild life.
So I'm from uptown Harrisburgand I've done some things that
I'm not proud of.
So there was a time in my lifethat I lived a life of crime and
(11:50):
during that time I had a lot ofpeople around me, a lot of
people around me that you know.
You know we did some things,you know did some things, and
you think that these people areyour friends.
You think they're going to bearound forever, you think
they're your ride or die.
And they got your back andthat's not always the case.
(12:11):
And I had somebody at the timewho was also in the street and
he said to, he sat me down andhe said Jillian, he said you are
such a beautiful girl, why areyou doing the things that you're
doing?
Thank you.
He said you're beautiful.
You're beautiful, you can go toschool, you can get your degree.
Why are you doing the thingsthat you're doing?
And the people around you ifyou get in trouble or when you
get in trouble?
Because it's only a matter oftime, not if, when, when these
(12:34):
people are not going to be therefor you and they're not going
to be here for your son, and itreally opened.
He changed my life and he's nolonger here, he, he has passed
away because of the life that hechose to live, and so he stayed
in it but said hey, you need to.
yeah, he had a real conversationwith me.
Yeah, he had a realconversation with me and I'll
(12:54):
never forget him and, um, itmade me.
Then.
You know when they say, whenyou keep knocking, when God says
, keep knocking and he'll openthose doors for you, it started
like things started to happenaround me where, one by one,
people started to drop off insituations because God was
elevating me, he was putting mein a place, you know, where I
would succeed and I would excel.
(13:15):
And so people that reallyreally know me, they know, they
know this side of me.
A lot of people that are newdon't know this about me, but
anybody that knows me, ifthey're watching, they're like,
oh yeah, she's telling the truth, you know what she's talking
about.
And so you know I had to let goof a lot of relationships during
that time and I love thesepeople.
We had fun, we had a good timeand we did it all, but it just
(13:36):
was not conducive to thelifestyle that I wanted to live
and I thought about my son atthe time and like, if something
was to happen to me, who wouldtake care of my child?
And I didn't want to leave thatburden on my mother, because my
sister had already passed awayand she left five kids and my
mom was helping with those.
You know her five children.
And then here I am, being wildand free and doing these things
(13:56):
and then to leave my son.
I knew that that was not anoption for me, so so for you
changing your circle saved yourlife Absolutely.
Absolutely, because if I wouldhave continued on that path, um
with the friends, with the menthat I was dealing with, um I
would have been in prison or didhonestly, if I would have
(14:20):
continued the path that I was on.
Gillian Lawrence (14:23):
So was it the conversation that you had with
him, or did your familyattribute to you wanting to
change your circle to live abetter?
Erica Rawls (14:34):
life, not my family so much, because I was the
means of survival for my family.
So I think my family knew thatthat wasn't the best thing for
me to do.
But when you're from theseenvironments or these places,
this is all people know, this isall they know.
They don't know anythingdifferent.
They don't tell they don't.
You know my first gen collegestudent, so your family's not
(14:58):
saying oh, you know, stop and goto college, we can't afford
college, we can't pay forcollege.
College, we can't affordcollege, we can't pay for
college.
And so I don't know.
I'm grateful that that personsaw that in me to have that
conversation with me becausenobody else was going to have
that conversation with me.
And and then my poor mom.
She didn't even know what I wasdoing, she had no clue yeah,
yeah, I didn't it's.
Gillian Lawrence (15:19):
It's crazy because you are probably the, if
you had to put a face to you.
Don't know, you don't look likewhat you've been through.
Right, absolutely, absolutely,yeah, yeah, yeah, and I need to
share with the people that arewatching.
I had no idea we were going tobe having this conversation.
Erica Rawls (15:41):
I did I did having this conversation.
It's about changing yourfriends.
Gillian Lawrence (15:45):
I did All I know is I wanted to talk about
how do you know when it's theright time to change your friend
circle.
Erica Rawls (15:52):
Yeah, but this is going to touch somebody, like
you said.
Gillian Lawrence (15:54):
It is going to touch.
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Now back to the show.
Like, what did it take to getout of that situation?
(16:15):
You know what I mean To changethat circle.
Yeah, just God, did you everfeel like you needed to go?
Erica Rawls (16:20):
back, mm-mm.
Just God, I think, just myheart, having faith in my higher
power and removing myself outof environments.
It wasn't like you know, yousee these things on TV and
you're like, oh, if you, youknow, if you leave, this is
what's going to happen.
It wasn't anything like that,honestly, it's just like, hey,
I'm not doing, I'm notparticipating in these things
anymore, right, and then youknow it wasn't like you see on
(16:43):
TV.
Gillian Lawrence (16:44):
No, right, because that's all I can relate.
Erica Rawls (16:46):
No, no, I mean, I think I think a lot of people
from my neighborhood probablyhas lived this.
Now we won't get into detail,but it's nothing crazy, you know
.
It's nothing too crazy, butit's just you know you're doing
things you shouldn't do.
I was around people that thiswas acceptable and so just I
remember giving back everythingthat I owned and got from that
(17:11):
lifestyle and I started over,started completely over, moved
back in with my mom, lived inher basement and just I started
a new job and I remember I waswalking at one point with my son
and people were like why is shewalking and why is she taking
the bus?
And I completely just said I'mdone, I don't want anything to
do with any of these priordealings, I'm just going to go
(17:32):
and really get my life together.
I went back to school.
I got a job which ended upbeing my career for the last 18
years.
So I worked in health care forthe last 18 years.
My son is 19.
That's awesome.
So I worked in HIV andinfectious disease and I started
as an outreach worker.
I used to pass out condomsoutside and then it went to me
(17:54):
becoming a case manager and thenI said I really, really like
healthcare and I really, reallylike infectious disease, and so
it started my career intoworking in infectious disease.
With hepatitis C, I ended upgoing back to school and
minoring epidemiology.
Wow, and it was just my life.
Like everybody knows the HIVlady, like everybody, like you
(18:16):
know, if you needed to gettested for STD or HIV, I worked
at the clinic or I worked as acase manager, help people get
housing, and so it really likeit was.
The best thing that everhappened to me was to like
really pull myself up by thebootstraps and change my life
for the better.
And you know, like I said, Iwas first gen college student
and then my son is now enrolledin college, so he's going to
(18:38):
school in the healthcare field.
Gillian Lawrence (18:40):
Yeah, you're grieving the, grieving the
growth.
Erica Rawls (18:45):
I'm not.
He's already been home twicethis week, so, but yeah, so you
know it.
Just, it just took me to takethe steps to to make those
changes.
And you know my husband saysthis all the time.
He says this.
My husband has a similarbackground as me and he is has
changed his life tremendously,so tremendously.
(19:06):
He has I mean just the timethat we've been together he has
done a 180.
He is just, he is.
It's been beautiful to watchbecause I remember going through
it and then to see him do itand he's like babe, you got the
blueprint.
Like he says it's easy, allpeople have to do is just, you
know it's easy.
He says all the time it's easyout here, it's easy out here,
right, and it's like you know.
(19:27):
But again, where we're from,people don't have these
opportunities.
And then to segue into the workthat I do now is create
educational and careeropportunities for individuals in
underserved areas.
So you know these, the collegeapplications and the.
You know the navigating, theresources and the.
You know how, if I get a nohere, you can go here and get a
(19:50):
yes, you know, and so it reallycontributed back to.
You know everything can go hereand get a yes, and so it really
contributed back to everything.
But changing your circle andchanging the people around you,
people who have a bigger, theyhave more.
I love people that have morethan me.
I'm not no hater.
I love to be around women whohave more than me because it
makes my vision for life larger.
(20:11):
It makes me want more.
If Erica did it, I can do ittoo.
Vision for life larger it makesme want more.
If Erica did it, I can do ittoo.
Right, that's therepresentation.
The representation is important, the mentorship is important.
And so, yeah, removing, youknow not to say that these
people were bad, it's not.
You know, take accountabilityfor my actions.
Gillian Lawrence (20:31):
It just wasn't the lifestyle that was best
suited for you, right?
That wasn't your purpose, thatwasn't for me yeah so then, to
the person that's you, when youwere, you know, in the streets,
what do you say?
To that person that wants toget out, right, um, change, it's
scary.
It is scary.
I think it's okay.
(20:52):
I'm living this fast life,right, a fast life or a fun life
?
Erica Rawls (20:56):
um, what do I say?
Is this like, if it's somethingthat you want, just do it.
You know, just make that change.
Um, there's steps, of course,there's a process, there's a
blueprint, of course, but youhave to want to change first,
because you, you know, if youdon't want to change, then
nothing's going to change, butif you want to change, all you
(21:17):
have to do is take that firststep.
You know, and I see it with thestudents I work with all the
time, the college that I workfor has a reentry program now
for folks who are criminallyjustice involved individuals, to
help them, either if they'vejust come home from prison or if
they're on their way to prison.
There are so many programs, forthey even have programs for
(21:38):
people with which they identifyas shooters, right, so, children
who live a life of crime.
And if that is what you aredoing or have doing, no judgment
, we're going to pay for you togo to school so you can get an
education.
Yeah, resources are soimportant for folks, you know,
um, and taking that one stepright to say I don't want to do
(21:58):
this anymore, I want to get ajob, I don't want to do this no
more, I want to go to school.
When you step into thatclassroom, you're around a whole
different type of people, right?
Gillian Lawrence (22:06):
you're around, you're fascinating to some
people, though, right to thinkyou got to want more for
yourself.
Erica Rawls (22:13):
And I understand it's intimidating, but I've
never been a fearful, fearfulperson, and my book is called
Crush your Fear of Flying.
There you go, so plug that inthere Crush your fear of flying.
So I've never been afraid ofanything and that was my gift
and my curse.
But fear is fear is an illusion.
(22:34):
It's just an illusion.
What are you afraid of?
What's the worst thing that'sgoing to happen?
You're going to go in here andsomebody says hello to you.
You're going to go in here andyou're going to actually get an
A in your class and you'reactually going to succeed.
So my aunt bought me the NelsonMandela.
Our greatest fear is not thatwe are inadequate, is that we're
more powerful beyond measure,and I think that is the part
(22:56):
that people have to realize.
You're afraid of winning.
You're afraid of you'reactually afraid that you're
actually going to win, not thatyou're going to lose, because if
you lose, like who's going toreally see you?
But, if you win now, you have to.
You're held to a standard.
Now, there you go.
You have to keep winning.
You have to keep winning.
So you're afraid you're goingto.
You're afraid to win right sothat's just the way that I look
(23:17):
at it like.
Gillian Lawrence (23:18):
Yeah get in there and get it done, so, okay.
So I hear what you're saying,right, and yeah, it's easy, it
you're making it sound like itwas really easy to change your
life and to get get out of thatcircle and to build up to what
you have today, right?
(23:39):
Author.
Multifaceted businesswoman isdoing a darn thing, but there's
some people that just don't have, I guess, the strength or the
ability to change.
Erica Rawls (23:50):
I think it's mental , it's a mental thing.
Gillian Lawrence (23:56):
I had to take two seconds to interrupt this
episode.
I would like to thank one ofour most recent guests, attorney
Jenny Chavis, for sponsoringthis show.
Chavis Law Firm is an elite lawfirm in central Pennsylvania
that helps with estate planningas well as understanding what
type of business entity youshould enter into when starting
your business.
If you're looking for a greatattorney that understands estate
(24:19):
planning as well as businessentity, how to start the right
way, you want to check outAttorney Chavis, chavis Law Firm
.
Now back to the show.
Erica Rawls (24:28):
So go ahead, I'll let you finish.
Yeah, go ahead, it's a mentalthing.
Gillian Lawrence (24:31):
So Back to the show, so go ahead, I'll let you
finish, yeah, yeah.
Erica Rawls (24:34):
Yeah, it's a mental thing.
So I mean, but if you have, ifyou, if there's resources there,
I mean, like we have to utilizeour recent resources, our
toolkits though, right, so thosethings could be the if I think
about it on a medical level ormedical field, or the medical
insurance field.
If you are having trauma or ifyou suffer from trauma or abuse,
(24:55):
you have insurance and youutilize the insurance to see a
therapist, right, so you go seea therapist and you start to
work through things and thetherapist is going to give you
tools that you put in yourtoolkit that are going to help
you succeed.
Um, once you start to see yourtherapist and then maybe, if you
do have some mental healthissues, then you can get
(25:15):
medication.
These are all tools that goback into your toolkit, right,
if you need a car, or youhaven't, if you're having
transportation issues, if you gosee somebody whether it be at a
community resource, you knoworganization or you go go to
either your health care providerand they help you get insurance
, you help you gettransportation.
(25:36):
That's one more tool that youput in your toolkit.
So I mean, if you don't I'm notsure what you're asking Like
I'm not sure you have to utilizethe tool, right.
Gillian Lawrence (25:48):
So how does someone that doesn't know about
those resources get them?
Because there are situationswhere where I've seen where,
yeah, someone wants to changetheir life right and they may
feel as though they don't havethe ability to because they
don't have those resources.
That's what I was at thequestion where do you start?
Erica Rawls (26:06):
like this so where?
Gillian Lawrence (26:07):
where do I start, jillian?
Like where do I start?
Erica Rawls (26:09):
right, yeah so you know that thing that everybody's
on it on all day long.
They're on this thing all dayand they spend hours upon hours.
Right that you can makemillions of dollars off of that.
So if it starts with googling,you know we can sit online all
day.
We can find out what's going onwith Ray Ray and you know Sally
(26:31):
over here.
There's no excuse for you todon't make excuses, and I know
that everybody is in a differentspace, but this is just how I
was raised and I know it comesacross sometimes because people
say, well, why did you say that?
I mean, this is the way I wasraised and I'm not saying that
it was the right, right way tobe raised, but it worked for me.
(26:53):
Sure, because I learned how tonavigate.
And we, I found that people areso interesting, they can
navigate everything else Right,except what's best for them.
We can figure out everything wecould.
I have friends that could tellyou all your business, probably
could tell you everything that'sgoing on with Erica.
But when you say, well, how doyou do you do?
(27:17):
Well, you, you have someskeletons in your closet you got
to clean out, you know.
So I think our, if we redirectour energy and put that same
energy that we put intoeverything else and everybody
else, we can solve everybodyelse's problems and kind of
internalize and kind of look atwhat are the steps that I need
to take, you know, I thinkpeople will be able to to
navigate and get a mentor.
(27:39):
I know everybody doesn't havemoney for mentors, but you know,
if you go to your doctor'soffice.
A doctor can refer you to abehavior health specialist, that
they have free services, thatsomebody you can talk to and
maybe get some resources from,or your teacher or you know.
So we have to utilize thosetools.
I mean the tools are there.
Start with.
Gillian Lawrence (27:59):
Google Right.
So as you grew into womanhood,into adulthood, have you found
that OK?
So, like you've been blessedenough to keep some of your same
friends, absolutely, did youfind it hard to get into new
circles?
Never mind, we're talking toJillian, she just no, no, no, no
, it is, we can.
Erica Rawls (28:20):
I have challenges there.
We can talk about that.
We can talk about that.
Gillian Lawrence (28:23):
Okay, let's talk about those.
It challenges for new circles.
No, no, go out there, do itcrush that fear I will.
Erica Rawls (28:30):
I think.
I think that the challenge iswhere I'm at now is that I am
yearning for new connections,right Business connections,
mentorship, and I haven't beenable to.
It hasn't come to me yet.
So I pray my due diligence.
I might reach out to three orfour people.
Gillian Lawrence (28:51):
I might come through this episode Like what
you looking for, what youlooking for.
Erica Rawls (28:55):
Right, I've tried to look for mentorship and it
hasn't come to me yet.
And I pray about it all thetime.
I pray about it all the time.
I'm like God, I want a mentor,but I don't, I don't want this
and I don't.
I'm very, I'm very directed myprayers and I'm very precise at
my prayers.
I don't want this and I don'twant that and I want it to be
this and I need it to be this.
(29:16):
And then you know the back end,what I need, right, and so it
hasn't come to me yet, but youknow, like I said, I yearn to be
around women who have more, youknow, because it makes, it
inspires me.
It inspires me.
So I would say that that's achallenge, or maybe it just
hasn't happened yet.
Gillian Lawrence (29:34):
Do you think it's hard to find good mentors?
Erica Rawls (29:39):
Yes, I do, I do and I will say that because I feel
like a lot of people in myexperience, a lot of people in
my experience, um, they come inwith their baggage.
Gillian Lawrence (29:59):
But don't we all have baggage though?
Julian, we do.
You're nice, you know what?
It's funny that you said that,because I get that a lot.
Yeah, I'm too nice.
Erica Rawls (30:11):
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, I'm too nice.
I will say, though, if I was ina role to be a mentor in which
I am I have people to come to meall the time.
Right now, I am not takinganybody to mentor or coach.
Right now my books are not openbecause I have to work with the
things that I need, to work onmy baggage yeah, things that I
may have picked up in the lasttwo years maybe.
(30:34):
So there was a time that I wascoaching.
That's one of my businesses.
I do business coaching, do lifecoaching, but right now I'm not
taking any clients because I'mtaking the time to fill my cup.
I'm going to therapy, I'mworking on my foundation of my
family of mine.
This is my second marriage.
I'm working on building mymarriage, a strong foundation.
My children are in differentspaces.
(30:56):
I'm not going to stretch myselfthen to say just to keep a
business, my business, you knowon the forefront right at this
moment, because my kids sanityand my husband's sanity is more
important to me at this point inmy life than mentoring.
Gillian Lawrence (31:15):
So I feel like you know, you can take what you
can kind of draw from there.
No, this is great, because Ithink it has a lot to do with
what you said.
Right, you don't have thecapacity to bring on and help
somebody else, right To be amentor.
I'd like to ask you is that thesame thing as friendships too?
But to finish my thought,because you're pouring into your
husband and to your childrenand into your profession, into
(31:39):
your husband and to yourchildren and into your
profession.
So you know that, hey, for me,my bandwidth is, I'm at my
capacity, yeah.
So I think that's to becommended, because I think a lot
of times, we try to put on waytoo many hats and we're not able
to give ourselves the oxygen weneed in order to be effective
for the people that our lovedones need as well, in order to
be effective for the people thatour loved ones need as well.
(32:00):
So what about friendships rightnow?
Because I think, as adults,it's hard for us to navigate
that and to actually allow otherpeople in.
And then, if I want to getreally granular, it's really
hard for women, Right, reallyhard for women.
So how do you navigate that?
Erica Rawls (32:20):
I am, like I said, in a space where, you know,
pouring into everything else andever in my family I mean and
pouring into my family structure.
So I do tell my friends.
I like I send a text messageout to my friends like at the
beginning of semester, becausenow I'm in and um in school to
get my master's.
Now this is my second timearound because I the first time
didn't go well, um.
So I told him.
I said, hey, like you know, myfriends do a lot, they travel,
(32:42):
they brunch, they, you know,they going bowling, they doing
everything.
So I said, hey, like you know,I'm getting ready to lock into
my master's program.
I'm not going to be answeringtext messages, I'm not going to
be available to do all of thesethings.
I'm trying to save up for ahouse we want to relocate.
I'm kind of on pause right now,but I love y'all and I'm here if
you need me, I cook for I cookfor everybody, my friends and my
(33:03):
family, and if you need me tocook something, I'm here.
But you know, other than that, I, you know, I it's, it's close.
So I think it's reallyimportant I say all that to say
I think it's really importantthat, as adults and as women, if
we're clear on why we're maybenot communicating as much or
we're not answering the phone asmuch or we're not hanging out
as much, as because there'sother areas of our life that we
(33:24):
really need to pour into rightnow, that doesn't mean that I
don't love you I don't.
It doesn't mean I'd love youless or that I don't want to be
your friend or I don't want tohang hang out, but there's just
other things that really, reallyneed my attention right now.
And I can't be pouring intothis relationship and my kids
need me, or I can't be spendingmore time out of the house and
my husband feels like he needsme, you know, and there is a
(33:46):
balance in it, but I am not atthe place where I can balance it
and I'm a woman enough to saythat.
Gillian Lawrence (33:52):
Oh, you're balancing it.
Yeah, You're just saying hey,guess what my family is?
All the things that I haveavailable to balance.
Erica Rawls (34:01):
That's all I have right now.
Yeah, friends, I'm here for you.
I think communication, thatopen communication, is important
, because when you don't havethat, or you or someone's afraid
to, or be afraid to beassertive, to say what I said,
um, then there's like well, whyis she acting funny?
Or she answered my phone calls?
And because I was afraid to saythat my family comes first.
Gillian Lawrence (34:20):
And.
Erica Rawls (34:20):
I had to draw the line in the sand and say you
know we're not friends Because Ikeep asking you what's wrong.
I keep reaching out.
Now this has become One thingabout me I don't chase men, I
don't chase money and I don'tchase friends.
Okay, I love you.
I attract everything.
Everything great comes to me,everything that I'm meant to
(34:41):
have I wake up to in the morning.
I don't chase anything.
So if I start to feel like I'mchasing you or I'm repetitive in
what I got, I have childrenattend to.
Yeah, I have business to attendto.
Gillian Lawrence (34:54):
Hold on, jillian, what about the?
Okay, you're not chasing them,but what about?
Okay, you're.
You're a multifaceted woman,you have a lot of things on your
plate, right, so you're justbusy, right.
And their intention is not tonot respond, is not having the
opportunity, but saying it outloud.
(35:14):
I'm thinking, okay, if I'mgiving you something, um, hello,
you can take two seconds out ofyour day to respond.
Erica Rawls (35:22):
So it's like the same thing If you're in a
relationship with a man, right,and we were kicking it, we're
cool, we're this, that, that andyou don't have two seconds to
say hey, honey, I'm really,really busy today.
It's nothing against you,you're're beautiful, I love you.
Right, you need two hundreddollars.
Here it is.
Gillian Lawrence (35:41):
Have a good day, yeah well then, I would
just keep it real to my friendsthat I have not text after you
text.
I do apologize.
I do love y'all and I'll textyou after this episode yeah,
yeah, I didn't even think aboutthat.
So thank you for that.
Erica Rawls (36:00):
Thank you just like , take two seconds.
Or you know I understandeverybody's busy, but you know
I'm busy too fair and and myfriend, and when I'm like I said
, my friend I was talking to, wetalked for hours on the phone
and she knows that she doesn'thear.
You know what I mean.
You take the time.
So what?
I had time today because I wasoff today.
So I want to sit on the phonewith my friend because she's not
(36:21):
as busy.
She might not be as busy as Iam, but I want to give you this
time today.
I'm intentional in the timethat I do make for the people I
love.
You get what I mean, or myfriendships, or you know I'm
intentional about that.
Ok, it's Monday of this.
(36:45):
Then I have to draw the lineand say and say you know what I
love you, but I'm gonna have to,because you almost feel as
though you're being takenadvantage of or taking me for a
ride yeah, yeah, I don't care.
Gillian Lawrence (36:57):
You don't care as much as I care about you or
something is there and not eventhat something's wrong and right
.
Erica Rawls (37:03):
Something's wrong but you're not able to share,
you're not able to communicateit.
Yeah, blink twice if you're introuble like something right.
Gillian Lawrence (37:10):
Yeah, something okay yeah, that's you
know what.
Thank you for that.
You're welcome because we'rewe're keeping it real we're
keeping it real.
We're taking accountability.
We are taking accountability.
I did not know it was going tobe a session today.
So stop it.
Stop it.
So as what about the friends?
Or the people will just make it.
(37:31):
In general, you see, thosefriendships that are toxic and
yet they just remain as friends.
We all know it's time for themto just stop it, just to stop.
What do you say?
Have you experienced that?
Um?
What would you say to thosepeople?
Erica Rawls (37:48):
well what my husband would say because he is
my, he's your accountabilitypartner, he is just the best.
Um, I did not know boundariesbefore I met him.
I thought that I was supposedto, you know, because that comes
from trauma, that comes fromthat void in childhood, those
boys in childhood right ofwanting to be everything to
(38:10):
everybody and wanting to beaccepted, and I thought I had to
make myself available toeverybody because if I didn't I
would be a bad person.
And he tells me so what?
Who cares?
Gillian Lawrence (38:23):
Hey, I need to take two seconds to interrupt
this wonderful show that you'rewatching.
I run a real estate businessand the way we fund this podcast
is through that business, theErica Ross team.
I would love it if you wouldjust give us one opportunity to
service your real estate needs,whether you are in central PA or
around the entire world.
Think of us first, so we canhelp you.
(38:43):
Now back to the show.
Erica Rawls (38:44):
If you, you have to protect your peace, jillian,
you have to set boundaries.
If you don't like the way youfeel when you leave this person
or this environment or certaincounter, then that is not for
you.
You don't have to deal.
You don't have to deal withthat.
And so you taught me have it.
They just got it naturally.
And he's a gemini, so men dohave it.
(39:04):
They are just unbothered.
They are.
That's the one part of being.
I wish sometimes that I couldhave that.
Yeah, that men have is theunbotheredness.
Yeah, um, but he taught meboundaries and so, um, I don't
remember the question exactly sotoxicity, and how do you let
that go?
like you don't.
You don't owe this personanything.
This person may have been therefor you, like when somebody in
(39:26):
your family made a past away, ormaybe they loaned you money or
something like that.
But if you don't like the waythe relationship is going, or
just like it, if it's anintimate relationship, um, let's
have a conversation.
And if the behaviors continue,then I have to remove myself
from the situation.
You know, and I'm grateful forthat, learning those boundaries
(39:47):
and learning to be assertivewhen it comes to my piece,
because I could be assertiveabout everything else business
and this and that work I coulddo that easily.
But when it came to my personalboundaries and what I allow
people to do to me, do thosethings to me it was just an open
, it was just open.
You know, open house, it wasjust free for all, um, and so
(40:08):
I'm going to have a conversationwith you.
If I feel at this point in mylife, if I feel as though you
continue to still exert thosebehaviors, then there's nothing
for us to.
You know, we're gonna have togo separate ways, but when I see
people that are in thosevicious cycles, um, they just
don't have boundaries.
Just like setting thoseboundaries for themselves.
Um, and, like I said, intimaterelationships, friendships, work
(40:31):
relationships with theirchildren.
You see, people's kids run allover them too, and um, that is
true.
Gillian Lawrence (40:38):
Yeah, yeah, it's okay to have boundaries.
It is okay to have boundaries,so you look like someone that
has a bright light.
Right, your light is shiningbright.
Yeah, thank you, you're welcome.
So how do you navigate?
Erica Rawls (40:51):
right, the moths coming to the lake.
Yes, yeah, so she said themoths the moths yes yeah, and my
good friend Asia said that tome.
She said you're a bright lightand you it's bright light to
track moths too, um, and soagain back to that discernment
piece, um, and I think I was atone point even.
(41:14):
You know, if everybody wantedto be my friend, it could be my
friend.
If a, if a wanted to talk to me, he could talk to me too.
Everybody could come.
You know, it's enough of Jillto go around, you know, but I
had to.
I learned that bright lightsalso attract moths, right, and
you have to look at a person'sintentions.
(41:34):
And if you want to be my friend, you want to be my friend
really, really, really bad.
Why do you want to be my friend?
Really, really, really bad.
Like, do you think that I'mgoing to help you?
Do you want me to mentor you?
Do you think you're going toget something free?
Do you think just being aroundme is going to, you know, open
up doors for you.
I have to take inventory onthat when people come like, come
(41:57):
around now, before it was likea free-for-all and I got burnt
every time.
I got burnt every time.
And so, um, if I meet you andyou're coming on as my assistant
for my job for a business, yes,you have to stay as my
assistant for in business.
Wow, yeah, we, we.
It's going to take time for usto to build, to build that
(42:18):
relationship, whereas before itwas again, sure, that's my girl,
that's my friend, yeah, yeah,yeah, right.
But then things happen.
People come with their baggage,they come with their ill
intentions, Right, and they comein and they get what they need
and they do the things that keep, you know, you know, get things
going, and then they go rightout the door you had, there was
no repercussion, there was novetting, there was no, none of
(42:40):
that Right For them to come intoyour life.
And this is this is againintimate relationships
friendships.
Gillian Lawrence (42:46):
So do you have not anxiety lack of a better
word Do you get anxious, timidor anxious when it comes to okay
, yeah, I'm allowing someoneelse to come into my life
because of things that happenedin the past.
(43:06):
So how are you working throughthat therapy?
Erica Rawls (43:09):
okay, therapy helps , um, again, I'm also grateful
for the people that I have in mylife now, because not only are
um, their eyes, for me too right, so your circle, a bit my
circle, is their, their eye.
I don't know the correct word,how I can say it, but like their
(43:31):
eyes, they, they see thingsthat maybe I don't see because I
am, I'm open, I'm friendly, Ilike to be, you know, and then I
have to like, ok, jill, allright, calm down.
Right, you know, calm down.
But then my friends will say orclose family member or husband,
right, no, right, I stoppedthere, you know.
So there is some angst, youknow, I am anxious sometimes
(43:54):
when people new come around.
But that's why I say these nextconnections that I do have, I'm
praying that God brings theseconnections to me and that I'm
able to see with my own eyesthat these people are for me, or
I'm supposed to be in thisspace.
Gillian Lawrence (44:11):
Yeah, yeah, I applaud you being open to having
this conversation, absolutely,and I feel like we could just
keep going on.
Continue to talk about it.
So I would love to invite theaudience.
What are some things that youare afraid of when it comes to,
(44:33):
you know, growing your circle orletting go of loved ones?
Growing your circle or lettinggo of loved ones, your friends,
even sometimes family membersthat just don't serve you well.
How do you work through that?
Because that's something Ithink we all struggle with and,
again, as women, I think we seeit more often the fear of
disappointing outweighs ourSelf-preservation.
(44:56):
Yes, preserving ourself and ourmental wellbeing is something
that we definitely need to visitat some point.
This was a great conversation,y'all the importance of
friendships, recognizing when tochange your circle and then
just building a supportivecircle around you.
Jillian Erica, thank you somuch, you're welcome.
Erica Rawls (45:21):
Yeah, yeah, welcome .
Yeah, yeah, we have to do thisagain.
Thank you for the platform tobe.
To keep it real, you're welcome.
I think we did that today, wedid do that.
Gillian Lawrence (45:28):
You did that, yes, yes.
I had to learn that everybody is not your friend.
Everybody doesn't deserve aseat at your table.
Some people are associates,some people are your lifelong
friends, some people were therefor a season and some people
were there to teach you a lesson.
So I think it's important thatpeople as us in general women in
general as well is to reallytake inventory of the people in
our life and also utilize ourdiscernment and exercise our
(00:21):
discernment and why this personis in our life and exercise our
discernment in why this personis in our life.
Gillian Lawrence (00:25):
Have you ever had a situation where you were
in a friend circle and then, asyou start to evolve, you realize
that the friends that used tobe your friends have changed?
Or have you changed?
(00:49):
For example, your friends incollege, you hit it off very
well and then, all of a sudden,one of you get married.
Then the dynamics start tochange and then you feel, when
you have that conversations likeyou used to have, staying up
all night with them something'sjust not clicking.
That support that you two usedto have, staying up all night
with them, something's just notclicking.
That support that you two usedto have or your group used to
have, is no longer the same.
(01:10):
Why is that?
That's exactly what we're goingto be talking about today with
our guest, jillian Brooks, whois an author, a multifaceted
businesswoman and, as she says,your girl's girl, and we're
going to get into it.
Welcome, jillian.
Hi, how are you?
(01:31):
I'm good, good, beautiful, set.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thankyou.
I'm so glad to have you here.
I'm happy to be here.
Yeah, because we were talkingbefore we actually started
shooting this episode, like,okay, so how did we meet Right?
How did we're just trying tofigure it out.
You're like I don't know.
And then I started thinking,you know why or how we met?
(01:52):
Was the fact that I'm drawn topeople that are just naturally
dynamic, right, that aren'tafraid to speak their truth, and
they're just multifaceted,right, and not only do they say
the thing they actually do, thething that's right, that's me is
that you, that's me, I'mtelling you.
So I gravitated to you and Iwas like you know what?
(02:14):
I want to check her out.
And then we connected on IG andI saw that you were doing your
podcast, right, guided by Jill.
Yes, said hey, I think we needto collaborate.
Yes, absolutely, and that's whywe're here, yes, and I'm happy
to be here.
I'm happy to have your platform.
Erica Rawls (02:32):
Oh, thank you.
Gillian Lawrence (02:33):
I love your platform.
Erica Rawls (02:34):
Thank you so much.
It's clean, it's professional.
I love it, so I'm so happy tobe here.
Gillian Lawrence (02:39):
Yeah, thank you so much.
So we're going to get into it.
Let's get into it.
So we're going to be talkingabout friendships Gulp, when to
change your circle.
So I shared of a situationwhere we see a lot of times that
the evolution of friendshipsRight, so let's just get right
(03:00):
into it.
Let's share a scenario whereyou may have felt like you were
hurt or how you decided, how youhad to navigate through that.
Let's just get right into it.
Erica Rawls (03:12):
So in regards friendships are.
I think friendships for me isis a touchy subject.
I feel like I takeaccountability for my actions.
So I feel like, as I'm growingand as I'm going into my journey
, people have fallen to thewayside in regards to
(03:33):
friendships.
But I will.
I'm not going to pinpoint likeany particular situation,
because my friend circle is verysmall, yeah, so if I do speak
on something, they they're gonnaknow probably who I'm talking
about, right?
so um, but all, all the otherwomen, right, right, right but
so, um, there has been timeslike I'm almost, I'm 38, I'll be
(03:54):
39 next month, um, so I'm upthere, I'm, I'm getting to that
40.
Gillian Lawrence (04:00):
I've had some life experiences, though, I'm
sure, and um, I will say that umone.
Erica Rawls (04:02):
I've had some life experiences, though, I'm sure,
and um, I will say that, um, onething I've learned is that, um,
one thing that's superimportant as you are getting
older or as you're in yourjourney, is to always have
discernment about the peoplearound you.
Um, so, of course, like you said, there's people that we become
friends just because the energyis right, or we've met, we met
(04:23):
somewhere and we just hit it off.
Um, and sometimes I don't thinksubconsciously, that we take
inventory on that person and whythey're in our lives.
And so this is something thatI'm learning to do as I've
gotten older is that when I meetpeople, I had to learn that
everybody is not your friend,everybody doesn't deserve a seat
at your table.
Some people are associates,some people are your lifelong
friends, some people were therefor a season and some people
(04:45):
were there to teach you a lesson.
So I think it's important thatpeople as us in general women in
general as well is to reallytake inventory of the people in
our life and also utilize ourdiscernment and exercise our
discernment and why this personis in our lives.
Gillian Lawrence (05:01):
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You think all women havediscernment.
Erica Rawls (05:24):
I think it's, and I think it's in all of us.
I think, just like any tool orany, just like any thing that
you do, you should exercise that, that tool or utilize that tool
of discernment, and I don'tthink a lot of us even maybe
don't know that we have it or wedon't know how to utilize it.
Gillian Lawrence (05:45):
That's a fair point, yeah, because I think OK.
So, just talking aboutdiscernment in itself, I do
believe that you have theability to discern, and I think
through this is what I found tobe true Some people are gifted
to have a higher sense ofdiscernment, and so you may hear
people say I'm an empath, theycan feel things right.
(06:06):
I also think you can trainyourself to be that way.
Yeah, just through meditation.
The more you meditate, justreally look inside of yourself,
I truly believe that you know,through that experience of that
time, right, you start to feelstart to feel it and you
exercise, you exercise it right.
Erica Rawls (06:24):
Or the stronger that your relationship becomes
with your higher power, youstart to feel it and you
exercise, you exercise it Right.
Or the stronger that yourrelationship becomes with your
higher power, you start to learnto go to him first, right,
before you act on your rawemotion, because our raw emotion
, yes, you can be an empath, youcan be all of these things, you
know a people, person, you canbe all these things, but if
you're not protecting yourselffirst, and that's to go to your
(06:44):
higher power and say, why am Ihaving this experience?
Why is this person in my life?
Why, right, or are they allowedto be here, then you will
experience these situationswhere you have, where you become
hurt, you feel used, you feelabandoned, all of those things
because I have, I have learnedas I've gotten older that
(07:04):
sometimes people are not incontrol of what they're doing.
Right, yeah, they may be sentfrom other things Right, to come
on on missions, right, andagain, with the raw emotion and
us just like, wanting love,wanting to fill a void, we allow
people in situations into ourbubble and they can ultimately
destroy us, teach us a lesson orhelp us grow.
(07:28):
And so I will say that, um, ofcourse I've had situations in my
life where I was hurt.
Of course I've been in thesewacky, petty things with females
.
Who hasn't?
We're women, this is our, thisis our natural fair, that's who
we are naturally, naturally.
Um, but to say and pinpointexactly like that this person
hurt me.
I take accountability for thatbecause I allowed that person
(07:50):
into my life and it was a lessonfor me and hopefully they
walked away with a lesson aswell.
Um, yeah, so that kind of sumsthat up for me.
I don't like to pinpoint andsay, oh, this person hurt me, or
this person, of course we'vebeen hurt you know, right.
Gillian Lawrence (08:06):
So as you evolved from you know high
school, you know, to college,then becoming a mom, like, have
you seen how your relationshipsevolved?
And right were there, did youlike?
How did you learn that?
Okay, the people that are in mylife today right, are here for
(08:27):
just that season, versus theones that are here for a
lifetime.
Erica Rawls (08:31):
Right.
So I want to reiterate, I wantto go back on something.
I actually went to high school,became a mom, went to college.
Gillian Lawrence (08:37):
OK, yeah, so I was yeah.
Erica Rawls (08:39):
So I was a teen.
I had my son when I was 19years old, ok, so I did not go
to college.
Right after high school, I wasa mom right away.
I didn't go back to collegeuntil I was like 27.
Okay, after I had my seconddaughter, after I had my second
child.
So I have friends from highschool.
I still have friends from highschool.
That's awesome.
I just was on the phone with mybest friend, like we talk for
(09:00):
hours throughout the day.
We've been friends since wewere 15 years old.
She's still my friend and Ihave other friends as well from
high school.
So those people have beenthrough it with me and I think
just that is such.
I think that's such a gift fromGod because it's like, it's
like a family member, rightSomebody that you're gifted like
(09:22):
your mom or your dad, whetherthe situation, whether that
relationship be positive ornegative experience, but to be
gifted a friend like that thathas been with you through every
phase of your life and we jokeall the time because I'm like I
can't believe like you're thisbig IT developer.
Like we went to school together, we drank mad dog 2020 together
, like we part.
Like I can't believe likeyou're this serious person and
(09:43):
in her, the same with me.
She's's just like.
You're so fake You're on thephone with those people.
You're being fake because thisis just like we've known each
other since we were kids, sure,so love that relationship.
Yes, I have friends ever since Iwas, since we've been in high
school, and then I have a groupof friends now who have taught
me the meaning of family.
I have a very small family.
(10:06):
I come from a single parenthome.
My mother raised me by herself,a single mother.
My father was incarcerated forthe first seven years of my life
and then after that he went offand, you know, my mom raised me
by herself.
Very small family, but my friendgroup that I have now.
They taught me about likesisterhood.
They taught me about like, theytaught me how to travel because
I used to travel a little bitbut when I met them we did
traveling on a whole notherlevel, um, and it's now like
(10:29):
they're like my family, um, andwe, you know they invite me to
things to in their family thatare very intimate and private
and I get to experience andlearn those lessons of what,
like larger families look like,because I didn't have that um.
So yes, in that journey it'sjust like you know, you have
people and things in betweenthat happen.
But you know, I look at, I'mvery optimistic, I'm a very
(10:51):
optimistic person Like.
I try to look at the good andeverything.
I will be petty, though.
I'll have my moments of pettyand be like I remember that you
know or I see somebody I meanGod is working on me's, working
on me, I'm, he's working on me,um.
So I'm not going to say that, Iwon't say that I don't have
that pettiness in me, because Ido.
(11:11):
But I'm very optimistic and I'mI do value where I'm at right
now and the relationships in mylife right now good so okay, so
share a time when you knew thatyou had to separate, separate,
yeah.
Gillian Lawrence (11:26):
And how did that feel?
Erica Rawls (11:28):
So there was a time in my life when, like I was
telling you before, like howwrong can we get?
I lived a.
I lived a wild life.
So I'm from uptown Harrisburgand I've done some things that
I'm not proud of.
So there was a time in my lifethat I lived a life of crime and
(11:50):
during that time I had a lot ofpeople around me, a lot of
people around me that you know.
You know we did some things,you know did some things, and
you think that these people areyour friends.
You think they're going to bearound forever, you think
they're your ride or die.
And they got your back andthat's not always the case.
(12:11):
And I had somebody at the timewho was also in the street and
he said to, he sat me down andhe said Jillian, he said you are
such a beautiful girl, why areyou doing the things that you're
doing?
Thank you.
He said you're beautiful.
You're beautiful, you can go toschool, you can get your degree.
Why are you doing the thingsthat you're doing?
And the people around you ifyou get in trouble or when you
get in trouble?
Because it's only a matter oftime, not if, when, when these
(12:34):
people are not going to be therefor you and they're not going
to be here for your son, and itreally opened.
He changed my life and he's nolonger here, he, he has passed
away because of the life that hechose to live, and so he stayed
in it but said hey, you need to.
yeah, he had a real conversationwith me.
Yeah, he had a realconversation with me and I'll
(12:54):
never forget him and, um, itmade me.
Then.
You know when they say, whenyou keep knocking, when God says
, keep knocking and he'll openthose doors for you, it started
like things started to happenaround me where, one by one,
people started to drop off insituations because God was
elevating me, he was putting mein a place, you know, where I
would succeed and I would excel.
(13:15):
And so people that reallyreally know me, they know, they
know this side of me.
A lot of people that are newdon't know this about me, but
anybody that knows me, ifthey're watching, they're like,
oh yeah, she's telling the truth, you know what she's talking
about.
And so you know I had to let goof a lot of relationships during
that time and I love thesepeople.
We had fun, we had a good timeand we did it all, but it just
(13:36):
was not conducive to thelifestyle that I wanted to live
and I thought about my son atthe time and like, if something
was to happen to me, who wouldtake care of my child?
And I didn't want to leave thatburden on my mother, because my
sister had already passed awayand she left five kids and my
mom was helping with those.
You know her five children.
And then here I am, being wildand free and doing these things
(13:56):
and then to leave my son.
I knew that that was not anoption for me, so so for you
changing your circle saved yourlife Absolutely.
Absolutely, because if I wouldhave continued on that path, um
with the friends, with the menthat I was dealing with, um I
would have been in prison or didhonestly, if I would have
(14:20):
continued the path that I was on.
Gillian Lawrence (14:23):
So was it the conversation that you had with
him, or did your familyattribute to you wanting to
change your circle to live abetter?
Erica Rawls (14:34):
life, not my family so much, because I was the
means of survival for my family.
So I think my family knew thatthat wasn't the best thing for
me to do.
But when you're from theseenvironments or these places,
this is all people know, this isall they know.
They don't know anythingdifferent.
They don't tell they don't.
You know my first gen collegestudent, so your family's not
(14:58):
saying oh, you know, stop and goto college, we can't afford
college, we can't pay forcollege.
College, we can't affordcollege, we can't pay for
college.
And so I don't know.
I'm grateful that that personsaw that in me to have that
conversation with me becausenobody else was going to have
that conversation with me.
And and then my poor mom.
She didn't even know what I wasdoing, she had no clue yeah,
yeah, I didn't it's.
Gillian Lawrence (15:19):
It's crazy because you are probably the, if
you had to put a face to you.
Don't know, you don't look likewhat you've been through.
Right, absolutely, absolutely,yeah, yeah, yeah, and I need to
share with the people that arewatching.
I had no idea we were going tobe having this conversation.
Erica Rawls (15:41):
I did I did having this conversation.
It's about changing yourfriends.
Gillian Lawrence (15:45):
I did All I know is I wanted to talk about
how do you know when it's theright time to change your friend
circle.
Erica Rawls (15:52):
Yeah, but this is going to touch somebody, like
you said.
Gillian Lawrence (15:54):
It is going to touch.
Somebody had to take twoseconds to thank Allstate
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Now back to the show.
Like, what did it take to getout of that situation?
(16:15):
You know what I mean To changethat circle.
Yeah, just God, did you everfeel like you needed to go?
Erica Rawls (16:20):
back, mm-mm.
Just God, I think, just myheart, having faith in my higher
power and removing myself outof environments.
It wasn't like you know, yousee these things on TV and
you're like, oh, if you, youknow, if you leave, this is
what's going to happen.
It wasn't anything like that,honestly, it's just like, hey,
I'm not doing, I'm notparticipating in these things
anymore, right, and then youknow it wasn't like you see on
(16:43):
TV.
Gillian Lawrence (16:44):
No, right, because that's all I can relate.
Erica Rawls (16:46):
No, no, I mean, I think I think a lot of people
from my neighborhood probablyhas lived this.
Now we won't get into detail,but it's nothing crazy, you know
.
It's nothing too crazy, butit's just you know you're doing
things you shouldn't do.
I was around people that thiswas acceptable and so just I
remember giving back everythingthat I owned and got from that
(17:11):
lifestyle and I started over,started completely over, moved
back in with my mom, lived inher basement and just I started
a new job and I remember I waswalking at one point with my son
and people were like why is shewalking and why is she taking
the bus?
And I completely just said I'mdone, I don't want anything to
do with any of these priordealings, I'm just going to go
(17:32):
and really get my life together.
I went back to school.
I got a job which ended upbeing my career for the last 18
years.
So I worked in health care forthe last 18 years.
My son is 19.
That's awesome.
So I worked in HIV andinfectious disease and I started
as an outreach worker.
I used to pass out condomsoutside and then it went to me
(17:54):
becoming a case manager and thenI said I really, really like
healthcare and I really, reallylike infectious disease, and so
it started my career intoworking in infectious disease.
With hepatitis C, I ended upgoing back to school and
minoring epidemiology.
Wow, and it was just my life.
Like everybody knows the HIVlady, like everybody, like you
(18:16):
know, if you needed to gettested for STD or HIV, I worked
at the clinic or I worked as acase manager, help people get
housing, and so it really likeit was.
The best thing that everhappened to me was to like
really pull myself up by thebootstraps and change my life
for the better.
And you know, like I said, Iwas first gen college student
and then my son is now enrolledin college, so he's going to
(18:38):
school in the healthcare field.
Gillian Lawrence (18:40):
Yeah, you're grieving the, grieving the
growth.
Erica Rawls (18:45):
I'm not.
He's already been home twicethis week, so, but yeah, so you
know it.
Just, it just took me to takethe steps to to make those
changes.
And you know my husband saysthis all the time.
He says this.
My husband has a similarbackground as me and he is has
changed his life tremendously,so tremendously.
(19:06):
He has I mean just the timethat we've been together he has
done a 180.
He is just, he is.
It's been beautiful to watchbecause I remember going through
it and then to see him do itand he's like babe, you got the
blueprint.
Like he says it's easy, allpeople have to do is just, you
know it's easy.
He says all the time it's easyout here, it's easy out here,
right, and it's like you know.
(19:27):
But again, where we're from,people don't have these
opportunities.
And then to segue into the workthat I do now is create
educational and careeropportunities for individuals in
underserved areas.
So you know these, the collegeapplications and the.
You know the navigating, theresources and the.
You know how, if I get a nohere, you can go here and get a
(19:50):
yes, you know, and so it reallycontributed back to.
You know everything can go hereand get a yes, and so it really
contributed back to everything.
But changing your circle andchanging the people around you,
people who have a bigger, theyhave more.
I love people that have morethan me.
I'm not no hater.
I love to be around women whohave more than me because it
makes my vision for life larger.
(20:11):
It makes me want more.
If Erica did it, I can do ittoo.
Vision for life larger it makesme want more.
If Erica did it, I can do ittoo.
Right, that's therepresentation.
The representation is important, the mentorship is important.
And so, yeah, removing, youknow not to say that these
people were bad, it's not.
You know, take accountabilityfor my actions.
Gillian Lawrence (20:31):
It just wasn't the lifestyle that was best
suited for you, right?
That wasn't your purpose, thatwasn't for me yeah so then, to
the person that's you, when youwere, you know, in the streets,
what do you say?
To that person that wants toget out, right, um, change, it's
scary.
It is scary.
I think it's okay.
(20:52):
I'm living this fast life,right, a fast life or a fun life
?
Erica Rawls (20:56):
um, what do I say?
Is this like, if it's somethingthat you want, just do it.
You know, just make that change.
Um, there's steps, of course,there's a process, there's a
blueprint, of course, but youhave to want to change first,
because you, you know, if youdon't want to change, then
nothing's going to change, butif you want to change, all you
(21:17):
have to do is take that firststep.
You know, and I see it with thestudents I work with all the
time, the college that I workfor has a reentry program now
for folks who are criminallyjustice involved individuals, to
help them, either if they'vejust come home from prison or if
they're on their way to prison.
There are so many programs, forthey even have programs for
(21:38):
people with which they identifyas shooters, right, so, children
who live a life of crime.
And if that is what you aredoing or have doing, no judgment
, we're going to pay for you togo to school so you can get an
education.
Yeah, resources are soimportant for folks, you know,
um, and taking that one stepright to say I don't want to do
(21:58):
this anymore, I want to get ajob, I don't want to do this no
more, I want to go to school.
When you step into thatclassroom, you're around a whole
different type of people, right?
Gillian Lawrence (22:06):
you're around, you're fascinating to some
people, though, right to thinkyou got to want more for
yourself.
Erica Rawls (22:13):
And I understand it's intimidating, but I've
never been a fearful, fearfulperson, and my book is called
Crush your Fear of Flying.
There you go, so plug that inthere Crush your fear of flying.
So I've never been afraid ofanything and that was my gift
and my curse.
But fear is fear is an illusion.
(22:34):
It's just an illusion.
What are you afraid of?
What's the worst thing that'sgoing to happen?
You're going to go in here andsomebody says hello to you.
You're going to go in here andyou're going to actually get an
A in your class and you'reactually going to succeed.
So my aunt bought me the NelsonMandela.
Our greatest fear is not thatwe are inadequate, is that we're
more powerful beyond measure,and I think that is the part
(22:56):
that people have to realize.
You're afraid of winning.
You're afraid of you'reactually afraid that you're
actually going to win, not thatyou're going to lose, because if
you lose, like who's going toreally see you?
But, if you win now, you have to.
You're held to a standard.
Now, there you go.
You have to keep winning.
You have to keep winning.
So you're afraid you're goingto.
You're afraid to win right sothat's just the way that I look
(23:17):
at it like.
Gillian Lawrence (23:18):
Yeah get in there and get it done, so, okay.
So I hear what you're saying,right, and yeah, it's easy, it
you're making it sound like itwas really easy to change your
life and to get get out of thatcircle and to build up to what
you have today, right?
(23:39):
Author.
Multifaceted businesswoman isdoing a darn thing, but there's
some people that just don't have, I guess, the strength or the
ability to change.
Erica Rawls (23:50):
I think it's mental , it's a mental thing.
Gillian Lawrence (23:56):
I had to take two seconds to interrupt this
episode.
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(24:19):
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Now back to the show.
Erica Rawls (24:28):
So go ahead, I'll let you finish.
Yeah, go ahead, it's a mentalthing.
Gillian Lawrence (24:31):
So Back to the show, so go ahead, I'll let you
finish, yeah, yeah.
Erica Rawls (24:34):
Yeah, it's a mental thing.
So I mean, but if you have, ifyou, if there's resources there,
I mean, like we have to utilizeour recent resources, our
toolkits though, right, so thosethings could be the if I think
about it on a medical level ormedical field, or the medical
insurance field.
If you are having trauma or ifyou suffer from trauma or abuse,
(24:55):
you have insurance and youutilize the insurance to see a
therapist, right, so you go seea therapist and you start to
work through things and thetherapist is going to give you
tools that you put in yourtoolkit that are going to help
you succeed.
Um, once you start to see yourtherapist and then maybe, if you
do have some mental healthissues, then you can get
(25:15):
medication.
These are all tools that goback into your toolkit, right,
if you need a car, or youhaven't, if you're having
transportation issues, if you gosee somebody whether it be at a
community resource, you knoworganization or you go go to
either your health care providerand they help you get insurance
, you help you gettransportation.
(25:36):
That's one more tool that youput in your toolkit.
So I mean, if you don't I'm notsure what you're asking Like
I'm not sure you have to utilizethe tool, right.
Gillian Lawrence (25:48):
So how does someone that doesn't know about
those resources get them?
Because there are situationswhere where I've seen where,
yeah, someone wants to changetheir life right and they may
feel as though they don't havethe ability to because they
don't have those resources.
That's what I was at thequestion where do you start?
Erica Rawls (26:06):
like this so where?
Gillian Lawrence (26:07):
where do I start, jillian?
Like where do I start?
Erica Rawls (26:09):
right, yeah so you know that thing that everybody's
on it on all day long.
They're on this thing all dayand they spend hours upon hours.
Right that you can makemillions of dollars off of that.
So if it starts with googling,you know we can sit online all
day.
We can find out what's going onwith Ray Ray and you know Sally
(26:31):
over here.
There's no excuse for you todon't make excuses, and I know
that everybody is in a differentspace, but this is just how I
was raised and I know it comesacross sometimes because people
say, well, why did you say that?
I mean, this is the way I wasraised and I'm not saying that
it was the right, right way tobe raised, but it worked for me.
(26:53):
Sure, because I learned how tonavigate.
And we, I found that people areso interesting, they can
navigate everything else Right,except what's best for them.
We can figure out everything wecould.
I have friends that could tellyou all your business, probably
could tell you everything that'sgoing on with Erica.
But when you say, well, how doyou do you do?
(27:17):
Well, you, you have someskeletons in your closet you got
to clean out, you know.
So I think our, if we redirectour energy and put that same
energy that we put intoeverything else and everybody
else, we can solve everybodyelse's problems and kind of
internalize and kind of look atwhat are the steps that I need
to take, you know, I thinkpeople will be able to to
navigate and get a mentor.
(27:39):
I know everybody doesn't havemoney for mentors, but you know,
if you go to your doctor'soffice.
A doctor can refer you to abehavior health specialist, that
they have free services, thatsomebody you can talk to and
maybe get some resources from,or your teacher or you know.
So we have to utilize thosetools.
I mean the tools are there.
Start with.
Gillian Lawrence (27:59):
Google Right.
So as you grew into womanhood,into adulthood, have you found
that OK?
So, like you've been blessedenough to keep some of your same
friends, absolutely, did youfind it hard to get into new
circles?
Never mind, we're talking toJillian, she just no, no, no, no
, it is, we can.
Erica Rawls (28:20):
I have challenges there.
We can talk about that.
We can talk about that.
Gillian Lawrence (28:23):
Okay, let's talk about those.
It challenges for new circles.
No, no, go out there, do itcrush that fear I will.
Erica Rawls (28:30):
I think.
I think that the challenge iswhere I'm at now is that I am
yearning for new connections,right Business connections,
mentorship, and I haven't beenable to.
It hasn't come to me yet.
So I pray my due diligence.
I might reach out to three orfour people.
Gillian Lawrence (28:51):
I might come through this episode Like what
you looking for, what youlooking for.
Erica Rawls (28:55):
Right, I've tried to look for mentorship and it
hasn't come to me yet.
And I pray about it all thetime.
I pray about it all the time.
I'm like God, I want a mentor,but I don't, I don't want this
and I don't.
I'm very, I'm very directed myprayers and I'm very precise at
my prayers.
I don't want this and I don'twant that and I want it to be
this and I need it to be this.
(29:16):
And then you know the back end,what I need, right, and so it
hasn't come to me yet, but youknow, like I said, I yearn to be
around women who have more, youknow, because it makes, it
inspires me.
It inspires me.
So I would say that that's achallenge, or maybe it just
hasn't happened yet.
Gillian Lawrence (29:34):
Do you think it's hard to find good mentors?
Erica Rawls (29:39):
Yes, I do, I do and I will say that because I feel
like a lot of people in myexperience, a lot of people in
my experience, um, they come inwith their baggage.
Gillian Lawrence (29:59):
But don't we all have baggage though?
Julian, we do.
You're nice, you know what?
It's funny that you said that,because I get that a lot.
Yeah, I'm too nice.
Erica Rawls (30:11):
Yeah, there's nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, I'm too nice.
I will say, though, if I was ina role to be a mentor in which
I am I have people to come to meall the time.
Right now, I am not takinganybody to mentor or coach.
Right now my books are not openbecause I have to work with the
things that I need, to work onmy baggage yeah, things that I
may have picked up in the lasttwo years maybe.
(30:34):
So there was a time that I wascoaching.
That's one of my businesses.
I do business coaching, do lifecoaching, but right now I'm not
taking any clients because I'mtaking the time to fill my cup.
I'm going to therapy, I'mworking on my foundation of my
family of mine.
This is my second marriage.
I'm working on building mymarriage, a strong foundation.
My children are in differentspaces.
(30:56):
I'm not going to stretch myselfthen to say just to keep a
business, my business, you knowon the forefront right at this
moment, because my kids sanityand my husband's sanity is more
important to me at this point inmy life than mentoring.
Gillian Lawrence (31:15):
So I feel like you know, you can take what you
can kind of draw from there.
No, this is great, because Ithink it has a lot to do with
what you said.
Right, you don't have thecapacity to bring on and help
somebody else, right To be amentor.
I'd like to ask you is that thesame thing as friendships too?
But to finish my thought,because you're pouring into your
husband and to your childrenand into your profession, into
(31:39):
your husband and to yourchildren and into your
profession.
So you know that, hey, for me,my bandwidth is, I'm at my
capacity, yeah.
So I think that's to becommended, because I think a lot
of times, we try to put on waytoo many hats and we're not able
to give ourselves the oxygen weneed in order to be effective
for the people that our lovedones need as well, in order to
be effective for the people thatour loved ones need as well.
(32:00):
So what about friendships rightnow?
Because I think, as adults,it's hard for us to navigate
that and to actually allow otherpeople in.
And then, if I want to getreally granular, it's really
hard for women, Right, reallyhard for women.
So how do you navigate that?
Erica Rawls (32:20):
I am, like I said, in a space where, you know,
pouring into everything else andever in my family I mean and
pouring into my family structure.
So I do tell my friends.
I like I send a text messageout to my friends like at the
beginning of semester, becausenow I'm in and um in school to
get my master's.
Now this is my second timearound because I the first time
didn't go well, um.
So I told him.
I said, hey, like you know, myfriends do a lot, they travel,
(32:42):
they brunch, they, you know,they going bowling, they doing
everything.
So I said, hey, like you know,I'm getting ready to lock into
my master's program.
I'm not going to be answeringtext messages, I'm not going to
be available to do all of thesethings.
I'm trying to save up for ahouse we want to relocate.
I'm kind of on pause right now,but I love y'all and I'm here if
you need me, I cook for I cookfor everybody, my friends and my
(33:03):
family, and if you need me tocook something, I'm here.
But you know, other than that, I, you know, I it's, it's close.
So I think it's reallyimportant I say all that to say
I think it's really importantthat, as adults and as women, if
we're clear on why we're maybenot communicating as much or
we're not answering the phone asmuch or we're not hanging out
as much, as because there'sother areas of our life that we
(33:24):
really need to pour into rightnow, that doesn't mean that I
don't love you I don't.
It doesn't mean I'd love youless or that I don't want to be
your friend or I don't want tohang hang out, but there's just
other things that really, reallyneed my attention right now.
And I can't be pouring intothis relationship and my kids
need me, or I can't be spendingmore time out of the house and
my husband feels like he needsme, you know, and there is a
(33:46):
balance in it, but I am not atthe place where I can balance it
and I'm a woman enough to saythat.
Gillian Lawrence (33:52):
Oh, you're balancing it.
Yeah, You're just saying hey,guess what my family is?
All the things that I haveavailable to balance.
Erica Rawls (34:01):
That's all I have right now.
Yeah, friends, I'm here for you.
I think communication, thatopen communication, is important
, because when you don't havethat, or you or someone's afraid
to, or be afraid to beassertive, to say what I said,
um, then there's like well, whyis she acting funny?
Or she answered my phone calls?
And because I was afraid to saythat my family comes first.
Gillian Lawrence (34:20):
And.
Erica Rawls (34:20):
I had to draw the line in the sand and say you
know we're not friends Because Ikeep asking you what's wrong.
I keep reaching out.
Now this has become One thingabout me I don't chase men, I
don't chase money and I don'tchase friends.
Okay, I love you.
I attract everything.
Everything great comes to me,everything that I'm meant to
(34:41):
have I wake up to in the morning.
I don't chase anything.
So if I start to feel like I'mchasing you or I'm repetitive in
what I got, I have childrenattend to.
Yeah, I have business to attendto.
Gillian Lawrence (34:54):
Hold on, jillian, what about the?
Okay, you're not chasing them,but what about?
Okay, you're.
You're a multifaceted woman,you have a lot of things on your
plate, right, so you're justbusy, right.
And their intention is not tonot respond, is not having the
opportunity, but saying it outloud.
(35:14):
I'm thinking, okay, if I'mgiving you something, um, hello,
you can take two seconds out ofyour day to respond.
Erica Rawls (35:22):
So it's like the same thing If you're in a
relationship with a man, right,and we were kicking it, we're
cool, we're this, that, that andyou don't have two seconds to
say hey, honey, I'm really,really busy today.
It's nothing against you,you're're beautiful, I love you.
Right, you need two hundreddollars.
Here it is.
Gillian Lawrence (35:41):
Have a good day, yeah well then, I would
just keep it real to my friendsthat I have not text after you
text.
I do apologize.
I do love y'all and I'll textyou after this episode yeah,
yeah, I didn't even think aboutthat.
So thank you for that.
Erica Rawls (36:00):
Thank you just like , take two seconds.
Or you know I understandeverybody's busy, but you know
I'm busy too fair and and myfriend, and when I'm like I said
, my friend I was talking to, wetalked for hours on the phone
and she knows that she doesn'thear.
You know what I mean.
You take the time.
So what?
I had time today because I wasoff today.
So I want to sit on the phonewith my friend because she's not
(36:21):
as busy.
She might not be as busy as Iam, but I want to give you this
time today.
I'm intentional in the timethat I do make for the people I
love.
You get what I mean, or myfriendships, or you know I'm
intentional about that.
Ok, it's Monday of this.
(36:45):
Then I have to draw the lineand say and say you know what I
love you, but I'm gonna have to,because you almost feel as
though you're being takenadvantage of or taking me for a
ride yeah, yeah, I don't care.
Gillian Lawrence (36:57):
You don't care as much as I care about you or
something is there and not eventhat something's wrong and right
.
Erica Rawls (37:03):
Something's wrong but you're not able to share,
you're not able to communicateit.
Yeah, blink twice if you're introuble like something right.
Gillian Lawrence (37:10):
Yeah, something okay yeah, that's you
know what.
Thank you for that.
You're welcome because we'rewe're keeping it real we're
keeping it real.
We're taking accountability.
We are taking accountability.
I did not know it was going tobe a session today.
So stop it.
Stop it.
So as what about the friends?
Or the people will just make it.
(37:31):
In general, you see, thosefriendships that are toxic and
yet they just remain as friends.
We all know it's time for themto just stop it, just to stop.
What do you say?
Have you experienced that?
Um?
What would you say to thosepeople?
Erica Rawls (37:48):
well what my husband would say because he is
my, he's your accountabilitypartner, he is just the best.
Um, I did not know boundariesbefore I met him.
I thought that I was supposedto, you know, because that comes
from trauma, that comes fromthat void in childhood, those
boys in childhood right ofwanting to be everything to
(38:10):
everybody and wanting to beaccepted, and I thought I had to
make myself available toeverybody because if I didn't I
would be a bad person.
And he tells me so what?
Who cares?
Gillian Lawrence (38:23):
Hey, I need to take two seconds to interrupt
this wonderful show that you'rewatching.
I run a real estate businessand the way we fund this podcast
is through that business, theErica Ross team.
I would love it if you wouldjust give us one opportunity to
service your real estate needs,whether you are in central PA or
around the entire world.
Think of us first, so we canhelp you.
(38:43):
Now back to the show.
Erica Rawls (38:44):
If you, you have to protect your peace, jillian,
you have to set boundaries.
If you don't like the way youfeel when you leave this person
or this environment or certaincounter, then that is not for
you.
You don't have to deal.
You don't have to deal withthat.
And so you taught me have it.
They just got it naturally.
And he's a gemini, so men dohave it.
(39:04):
They are just unbothered.
They are.
That's the one part of being.
I wish sometimes that I couldhave that.
Yeah, that men have is theunbotheredness.
Yeah, um, but he taught meboundaries and so, um, I don't
remember the question exactly sotoxicity, and how do you let
that go?
like you don't.
You don't owe this personanything.
This person may have been therefor you, like when somebody in
(39:26):
your family made a past away, ormaybe they loaned you money or
something like that.
But if you don't like the waythe relationship is going, or
just like it, if it's anintimate relationship, um, let's
have a conversation.
And if the behaviors continue,then I have to remove myself
from the situation.
You know, and I'm grateful forthat, learning those boundaries
(39:47):
and learning to be assertivewhen it comes to my piece,
because I could be assertiveabout everything else business
and this and that work I coulddo that easily.
But when it came to my personalboundaries and what I allow
people to do to me, do thosethings to me it was just an open
, it was just open.
You know, open house, it wasjust free for all, um, and so
(40:08):
I'm going to have a conversationwith you.
If I feel at this point in mylife, if I feel as though you
continue to still exert thosebehaviors, then there's nothing
for us to.
You know, we're gonna have togo separate ways, but when I see
people that are in thosevicious cycles, um, they just
don't have boundaries.
Just like setting thoseboundaries for themselves.
Um, and, like I said, intimaterelationships, friendships, work
(40:31):
relationships with theirchildren.
You see, people's kids run allover them too, and um, that is
true.
Gillian Lawrence (40:38):
Yeah, yeah, it's okay to have boundaries.
It is okay to have boundaries,so you look like someone that
has a bright light.
Right, your light is shiningbright.
Yeah, thank you, you're welcome.
So how do you navigate?
Erica Rawls (40:51):
right, the moths coming to the lake.
Yes, yeah, so she said themoths the moths yes yeah, and my
good friend Asia said that tome.
She said you're a bright lightand you it's bright light to
track moths too, um, and soagain back to that discernment
piece, um, and I think I was atone point even.
(41:14):
You know, if everybody wantedto be my friend, it could be my
friend.
If a, if a wanted to talk to me, he could talk to me too.
Everybody could come.
You know, it's enough of Jillto go around, you know, but I
had to.
I learned that bright lightsalso attract moths, right, and
you have to look at a person'sintentions.
(41:34):
And if you want to be my friend, you want to be my friend
really, really, really bad.
Why do you want to be my friend?
Really, really, really bad.
Like, do you think that I'mgoing to help you?
Do you want me to mentor you?
Do you think you're going toget something free?
Do you think just being aroundme is going to, you know, open
up doors for you.
I have to take inventory onthat when people come like, come
(41:57):
around now, before it was likea free-for-all and I got burnt
every time.
I got burnt every time.
And so, um, if I meet you andyou're coming on as my assistant
for my job for a business, yes,you have to stay as my
assistant for in business.
Wow, yeah, we, we.
It's going to take time for usto to build, to build that
(42:18):
relationship, whereas before itwas again, sure, that's my girl,
that's my friend, yeah, yeah,yeah, right.
But then things happen.
People come with their baggage,they come with their ill
intentions, Right, and they comein and they get what they need
and they do the things that keep, you know, you know, get things
going, and then they go rightout the door you had, there was
no repercussion, there was novetting, there was no, none of
(42:40):
that Right For them to come intoyour life.
And this is this is againintimate relationships
friendships.
Gillian Lawrence (42:46):
So do you have not anxiety lack of a better
word Do you get anxious, timidor anxious when it comes to okay
, yeah, I'm allowing someoneelse to come into my life
because of things that happenedin the past.
(43:06):
So how are you working throughthat therapy?
Erica Rawls (43:09):
okay, therapy helps , um, again, I'm also grateful
for the people that I have in mylife now, because not only are
um, their eyes, for me too right, so your circle, a bit my
circle, is their, their eye.
I don't know the correct word,how I can say it, but like their
(43:31):
eyes, they, they see thingsthat maybe I don't see because I
am, I'm open, I'm friendly, Ilike to be, you know, and then I
have to like, ok, jill, allright, calm down.
Right, you know, calm down.
But then my friends will say orclose family member or husband,
right, no, right, I stoppedthere, you know.
So there is some angst, youknow, I am anxious sometimes
(43:54):
when people new come around.
But that's why I say these nextconnections that I do have, I'm
praying that God brings theseconnections to me and that I'm
able to see with my own eyesthat these people are for me, or
I'm supposed to be in thisspace.
Gillian Lawrence (44:11):
Yeah, yeah, I applaud you being open to having
this conversation, absolutely,and I feel like we could just
keep going on.
Continue to talk about it.
So I would love to invite theaudience.
What are some things that youare afraid of when it comes to,
(44:33):
you know, growing your circle orletting go of loved ones?
Growing your circle or lettinggo of loved ones, your friends,
even sometimes family membersthat just don't serve you well.
How do you work through that?
Because that's something Ithink we all struggle with and,
again, as women, I think we seeit more often the fear of
disappointing outweighs ourSelf-preservation.
(44:56):
Yes, preserving ourself and ourmental wellbeing is something
that we definitely need to visitat some point.
This was a great conversation,y'all the importance of
friendships, recognizing when tochange your circle and then
just building a supportivecircle around you.
Jillian Erica, thank you somuch, you're welcome.
Erica Rawls (45:21):
Yeah, yeah, welcome .
Yeah, yeah, we have to do thisagain.
Thank you for the platform tobe.
To keep it real, you're welcome.
I think we did that today, wedid do that.
Gillian Lawrence (45:28):
You did that, yes, yes.
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