S1 Ep 7 | The HEARTBEAT of the Gay Community: The Chosen Family | Coffee with Gays 🌈

What if your family wasn't the one you were born into, but the one you chose? Dive into another steamy cup of "Coffee with Gays" as Blaine, Adam, and Ryan are back to spill the beans on the concept of 'Chosen Family' within the LGBTQ+ community. We count ourselves lucky for having supportive families, but we understand that's not everyone's reality. So, we've built our networks of love and support, our 'chosen families', and we want to share our insights with you.

From heartfelt stories (yes, Adam cries) to the hilarious adventures of Blaine trying to navigate getting accepted into the group, we delve into the unique dynamics of chosen families within our community. In the first part of the episode, we discuss various friend groups, their unique roles, and the tradition of Friendsgiving that binds us together.

Have you ever wondered about the secret to making a memorable first impression or winning over the "king and queen" of a new group? We've got you covered. Throughout the episode, we share hilarious anecdotes and essential tips, including the tale of how Blaine met his friend Ryan and managed to blend into his group. We put a spotlight on social cues, intentional planning, and the value of authenticity in building long-lasting connections.

Our conversation offers a humorous, yet insightful look at navigating social dynamics in new friend groups, dating, and handling the pressures of making an impression. Finally, we understand that not all relationships are meant to last, and sometimes we must let go. As we round off our chat, we reflect on the importance of being a good listener, identifying true friends, and the sometimes difficult process of saying goodbye to those who aren't beneficial to us. It's all about striking a balance and knowing when to hold on, and when to let go.

So, grab your favorite mug and let's get into this enlightening and entertaining conversation on Coffee with Gays. ☕💖👨‍❤️‍👨

[00:00:00] Intro: Pouring a fresh cup of 'Chosen Family' chat ☕️🌈.
[00:01:15] Blaine's Beginnings: First sips into the world of chosen families 🌍.
[00:03:45] Adam's Aha Moment: The art of sticking with your main artery in friendships 💡.
[00:06:20] Party Puzzles: Navigating the social scene and the importance of invites 💌🎉.
[00:08:45] Ryan's Revelations: The subtle dance of introductions and connections 💃.
[00:11:10] Drama at the Disco: Epic meltdowns, dance-offs, and party faux pas 🕺🎶.
[00:13:35] Adam's Analogy: Friendships as jobs - the boardroom dynamics 🏢.
[00:16:00] Blaine's Blast from the Past: Meeting Adam and the dynamics of first impressions 📸.
[00:18:25] Adam's Advice: The journey of finding your tribe in Dallas 🌆👯‍♂️.
[00:20:50] Ryan's Reflections: "Friends for a reason, friends for a season" - The

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They really piss me off.

Speaker 2 (00:03):
You freaking.
Open your mouth and Prada comesout, don't?

Speaker 3 (00:07):
come between Bargain Bradley and my mate.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Welcome to today's show on Coffee with Gays.
Coffee with Gays.
I'm Adam.
We have Ryan and your host.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
Blaine, blaine, cheers guys.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
Today's episode, we are talking about our chosen
family.

Speaker 1 (00:27):
This is actually a topic that is very near and dear
to my heart.
In particular, I think one ofthe reasons that one of the
organizations that I've alwayssupported is regarding homeless
youth, and I think we've talkedabout it on a very early episode
that we probably wouldn't wantyou to listen to because it was
when we didn't have our shittogether, so to speak, but it is

(00:49):
.
I really do care about theyouth in our country that have
been kicked out of their homesand maybe don't have supportive
families, and I think we'vetalked before that the three of
us are very blessed to have verysupportive families that are
supportive of us being gay andliving our lives, but so many
people don't have that, and Ithink the concept of chosen

(01:12):
family is really important inour community because of people
that don't have supportivefamilies.
But then I also think for usit's an important topic because
there's a whole like kids and,you know, like how we live our
lives and partners.

Speaker 2 (01:29):
Chosen.
Family means it's the peoplethat you choose to be a part of
your family.
So take out all the actualpeople who are related to you
and it's the people who you wantas basically your close family.
And you know, I know this fromexperience because I moved to
Dallas only knowing maybe fivepeople and then I had to go

(01:53):
through and meet friends andfind who my close friends were.
And if you look at who Istarted to be friends with when
I first moved here, to who noware my close friends, you wait
through a lot of people to findthe good people, even if they
try to beat your ass and who wassad.

Speaker 1 (02:12):
But why did you, as a gay man, come here and have to
find a group of people?
I think that's what reallydifferentiates kind of our
experience from the straightexperience, so to speak, because
let's say you were a straightman of your age, most likely you
would have had a wife and twokids and you would have moved
here and, guess what, put themin school, right, and then all

(02:34):
of a sudden you would be in PTAsand you would do that and I
love I think, brian, you saidsomething like you come into
work and what.

Speaker 3 (02:41):
Like you come in and say on a Monday morning you've
got that small talk starting ameeting conversation oh, how was
your weekend?
And a lot of people are like youknow, I took my kids to this or
that or we went to thattournament, and you know, like I
can't relate to that at all.
You know and I think of thatmeme, that's just really funny
that I think a lot of like gayscan relate to this.

(03:02):
But you know, I mean when it'slike at the office, when it's
like how was your weekend?
And you're like, oh, you know,just really low key, saw a few
people maybe went to a brunchand then in the background, like
the reality is like we're out,like you know, partying and
we're at all the concerts,parties, whatever and like.
But you have to just kind ofportray it because I can't

(03:23):
relate to the.
You know I took my kids tosoccer and whatever, and I know
that that can be, you know, astraight couple, gay couple, but
still it just seems likemajority majority, especially
our age, I think, like it'sdefinitely makes our lives very
different.

Speaker 2 (03:39):
Most gay people don't have a you know, a partner with
kids and all that stuff wheretheir lives are tied into that.
So we go out and we get friends.
We have friends as a you know,we're big with friends getting
like we've done that beforewhere everybody calls in because
people are all from differentareas of the United States and

(04:04):
they don't fly back forThanksgiving as much.
So somebody will say, hey,we're going to do friends giving
and everybody will come overand that's the friends.

Speaker 1 (04:13):
You know, my friends, giving is like the most popular
event.
Actually, last year it was sopopular I had to have like three
of them.

Speaker 2 (04:20):
Actually, I don't know about that because I've
never been invited.

Speaker 1 (04:23):
Oh my God, I think you were invited last year.
I don't think you were here, inall fairness, I think you were
somewhere else during one of thefriends giving, because I'm
almost positive you were invitedfor sure, but I did.
I did have multiple friendsgiving, I did, and this year
you'll definitely be invited andwe'll have another three or
four of them.

Speaker 2 (04:42):
Well, I would like to RSVP as a maker.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
But you're also such a good cook and I cook all my
old family recipes, southernrecipes, love it.

Speaker 2 (04:51):
So that's why you're inviting me, so that I can cook
for you too.

Speaker 1 (04:54):
No, you just like to cook, just like me, and that's
what I love about friends givingyou, bringing like the recipes
from your old days.
You're invited and I'll justput you down as a.
Maybe we'll see which, whichone you get invited to the
popular one or the not?

Speaker 3 (05:07):
The leftover, friends giving.

Speaker 1 (05:10):
In all fairness.
Ok, my place isn't huge, Ican't just have 40 people here,
so I have to create groupswithin a group.
You know you got group ABC andI don't think it's bad, I think
it's a great segue kind of intothe kind of difference is in
groups and how you kind ofcategorize.
You know the friend group.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
I have different friend groups from like what
hours?
I would say that our friendgroup is the core of my friends
and the favorite, that's all.
I have different like friendgroups with different things,
like there's a friend group backat home and there's like even

(05:51):
even here in Dallas I have somedifferent friend groups, but it
just depends on what I'm doingand I don't merge them and I
think it's because I think thatthey would clash.
And I've tried to merge some ofthem and they do clash.

Speaker 1 (06:06):
I saw a tick talk about this the other day.
They were like group friendgroup a at the birthday party
and friend group B and a waslike the fun girls and then
friend group B was all sittingthere all in all black like and
they looked really boring.
I would have definitely wewould have been a part of a the
person who's friends in bothgroups but they were both either
side of the table and I waslike yeah, that's definitely how
that goes.

Speaker 2 (06:26):
When you're the ones that are sitting back, you
definitely have to look at andbe like well, now I know why I'm
not invited to a lot of parties.

Speaker 1 (06:31):
By the way, I'm always in friend group A.
I'm in the fun, always, likewhen it's when you're in a
murder situation.
I always feel bad for them.
I think I'm in the C no, the Cgroup First of all.
I could totally see you meltinginto the background of any
event, dinner, whatever.

Speaker 2 (06:51):
I'm going to take a friend that if you don't invite
me, I'll just invite everybodyelse that was there to a party
that.

Speaker 3 (06:55):
I'm going to have and not leave you.
Oh, now we know.

Speaker 1 (06:59):
Is that what the pumpkin party was?
I was invited to the party,though, so who was invited to
the pumpkin party.
I didn't know, I didn't know.

Speaker 2 (07:05):
Don't feel special.

Speaker 1 (07:07):
Okay, good, well, I didn't go there, so there's that
.
But yeah, so I think we havedifferent like types of friend
groups, and I think we also havedifferent types of friends
within the group too.

Speaker 2 (07:19):
So you have the ringleader, you have the person
that brings everybody together,which I find that the most
exhausting.
I've been that before and I'mnot that with us.
It's the most exhausting thing.

Speaker 1 (07:33):
You couldn't be.
You're way too disorganized andyou're late all the time.

Speaker 3 (07:37):
Like I feel like I'm more of the ringleader in a
different group but I'm not inlike this group, so I mean it's
different roles within differentfriend groups.

Speaker 1 (07:45):
Yeah, you're really good at planning stuff too.
Like you plan a lot of trips.
You're like what is your othergroup that you're like
ringleader of.

Speaker 3 (07:54):
The AMC A-list club I'm obsessed with.
I know they don't sponsor usyet, but I am obsessed with the
AMC eight subs A-list, 12 movies, up to 12 movies a month for
$20 a month.
And like I didn't see moviesbefore, people are like oh my
God, I never see like that manymovies.
Well, I didn't either, until Ihad $20 a month.

Speaker 1 (08:14):
So what I will say is that group, the AMC group, is
your couples club Now thatyou're with Bradley, and it's
all the cute couples.
And then, oh, there's the fullparty group.

Speaker 3 (08:25):
Slightly newer group that's in development, yeah, and
there's a few past connectionsfrom, like, a past friend group
that kind of merged to the fullparty group.

Speaker 1 (08:33):
Ryan's really cool.

Speaker 2 (08:35):
He's got all these hidden fucking groups in there.
He's dead.

Speaker 1 (08:39):
I didn't think of it like that, and then, now that
we're talking about it, maybewhy it's so hard to schedule him
for coffee with gays, becausehe's always like got all these
different things.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
So you're seeing a movie to go back home you know?

Speaker 1 (08:53):
No, it's true, it's true.
So we get to do these poolparties and we got the movie
nights and we got all that stuff.

Speaker 3 (08:58):
But I never want, and I've always.
I feel like I try to make it apoint Like I don't like to think
of it as like I'm busy or Idon't ever want to be like oh,
I'm too good at hanging out withyou or whatever.
Like I just want to make plansto be intentional about, like
seeing whoever I try to be with.

Speaker 1 (09:12):
You're just a social butterfly.

Speaker 2 (09:13):
I'm over at home.
Knitting a skirt Like this isgreat.

Speaker 3 (09:16):
You're busy, you're over there, I don't know.
I'm doing electrical andapplying to be alignment.

Speaker 1 (09:22):
You wouldn't go out anyway.
On most of those times anyway,I couldn't actually keep up with
how much you do things.
It's too much for me.
I'm very satisfied with howmuch our group does.

Speaker 2 (09:35):
So what's funny with Chers and Family that I always
laugh at is like social cues.
So for me, coming in fromoutside of Dallas and meeting
people I had to, and everybodywho knows me and everybody who's
here listening, I am a type Aperson.
I am very loud and overwhelming.

Speaker 1 (09:55):
You're loud, no and overwhelming, overbearing Any
hit or miss.

Speaker 2 (10:04):
What I was saying is when I first came here, I had to
be very reserved.
I know you were looking for me.

Speaker 3 (10:10):
How did you do that?

Speaker 2 (10:12):
I put a fucking cork in my mouth and was like shut up
, sit down and go on, becauseyou need to see all the dynamics
, and that's one of the thingsthat I will say this I'm good
with I can sit back and watchthe dynamics of a group and see
who I can jive with, so nothingensue.
But if it was five or six of ushere, I would adapt to Blaine,

(10:35):
because I know Blaine's louderthan me, so I'm not going to be
the most obnoxious one here.
You're such a bad man.
Take him to pull him on my sideand then swim into you and the
other group that I know is moreof the quieter ones.

Speaker 1 (10:52):
But they're the quiet , hot ones.
Those are the deadly ones thatyou really have to get in with,
because they're they could bethe real bitches.
Little do you know, though,he's actually the nicest one of
the group.

Speaker 2 (11:05):
Every time you go into a new group.
It's strategizing.
How do you, first of all, doyou want to be in that group?
So you have to sit back andwatch that group to go.
Do you want to be a part ofthat group?
And then, how do I fit intothat group?
And then you have to slowly letyour personality come out.
In the same way with dating.
Dating is the same way.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
But you got this.
This is like who are theplayers?
Yeah, really.

Speaker 2 (11:30):
Who's the king and the queen of the game of chess.
Like that's the way it is, youhave to look and see who are the
ones that you need to be theclosest to the information that
you can survive in thisframework and not get squashed.

Speaker 1 (11:43):
Yeah, so funny story about our group because we just
talked about like the different,the stereotype types of the
planner and the daddies of thegroup, basically.
So you know, I met Ryan at abar here in Dallas and I all my
friends originally from Dallaswhen I moved back here.
They're all like straightmarried kids and you know I was

(12:03):
hanging out with them but wejust don't have the same lives.
I was like dying to make gayfriends here and, like you know,
it's just like kind of hard, Imean really.
And so like I ended up meetinga friend out at a bar and I met
Ryan and we had some great talksabout California and he was
super nice and he was with ourfriend Reynolds and I thought
Ryan was the queen bee of thegroup Because you know, ryan's

(12:27):
like always got this ridiculousoutfit you had that see through
floral thing on.
And then Ryan's like, oh yeah,let's go back to your place.
I was like, oh yeah, you guyscan all after party at my place.
I got it like a black SUV toimpress everybody and Reynolds
goes no, we're not going to 10.
And I was like, oh, so then Igot in the black SUV by myself

(12:51):
and I was like, hey, no big deal.
Then we went to brunch, like twoweeks later, and that's when I
and then he invited me to aparty at Reynolds house and I
was like you know what I got it?
Reynolds is the, he's the queenbee, he's the one that plans.
And I am going to go.
Yeah, I'm gonna bring morefrickin' food to his frickin'

(13:12):
Halloween party To win him over.
And I brought homemade food tohis Halloween party.
He didn't notice.
I need you to like me.
And now that we're very close,we actually talk about this.
And he's like I wondered whyyou were even at my house that
day.
I didn't even know that Ryaninvited you.
Then I show up a few monthslater because I'm not invited to

(13:33):
the all powerful Christmasparty.
Obviously didn't get thatinvite.

Speaker 2 (13:38):
That Christmas party is so.
Sutter Family has a Christmasparty and it is insane.
At his house he probably haswhat 150, 160 people there has
it like, has food, hasbartenders, has everything.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
I didn't know.
I didn't get an invite to that.
So I showed up at the SuperBowl party and I was like you
know what I'm gonna?
I'm gonna make my famousfuneral sandwiches.
If you don't know, from theSouth, you've got to make a
funeral sandwich.
What is a funeral sandwich?
And okay, a funeral sandwich isbasically you take those Kings
Hawaiian rolls and then youstack them with ham,
traditionally, and Swiss beefand then you make this mixture

(14:16):
of Worcestershire sauce andDijon mustard and poppy seeds
and brown sugar and you pour itbutter obviously butter and you
pour it all over the top, youlet it marinate overnight and
then you put them in the ovenwhen you get to your party and
then they get really like stickyand gooey and awesome.
It sounds like a heart attack.
It is a heart attack and I wasso nervous to bring it to the

(14:37):
Super Bowl party with a bunch ofgays.
I mean, it is, it doesn'tmatter.

Speaker 2 (14:41):
Gays and food is really tough because you get
like ardor will eat.
Really we don't care.
But there are other gays whereyou could have a pool party and
you could lay out food and theywon't touch a fucking thing,
because at the end of the day, amarker will be dry as shit
that's making.

Speaker 3 (14:58):
We were talking about like the pool friends.
They had food set out.
No one was touching the likethe food table.
I was like I'm hungry, I don'tcare, I'm going to that.
Me and Bradley made a plate.
We're having chips and salsa.
He's getting cookies.
He loves his sweet side.

Speaker 2 (15:14):
But none of that was, and it's usually.
The people will sit there andbe like all right, who's going
to go up to the table first?

Speaker 3 (15:20):
He's going first to get the food.

Speaker 1 (15:23):
This group had no problem.
And I saw those funeralsandwiches going like this and,
by the way, I brought them in mylate crusade my best bakeware,
ok and I was hauling theseseriously Trader Joe bags out of
the Uber like this.
I also brought multiple handlesof tequila and vodka, like I
was there to give sacrifices andI brought all of this shit and

(15:48):
I also, because I knew Renal wasIndian I was like I bet you he
doesn't eat ham.
And he said, oh, these have ham.
And I said I made you a turkeyone.

Speaker 2 (15:57):
Damn, you really did your homework and.

Speaker 1 (15:59):
I have been in Ever since that party and it
impressed him.
But you know what, I don't mindknowing him today.
I'm glad I did all that becausehe's so giving to everybody
else and he's so that personLike I would do that anyway.
But I'm glad I showed him who Iwas as a person with that.
But I mean I was going to do it.
But I don't blame him for beingpicky.
He's got a lot of friends rightand I think the people that we

(16:22):
don't choose aren't.
You know, they just kind ofexpect to just get in and not do
anything special.

Speaker 2 (16:29):
That's the funny part about it all this is, I sit
there and, if I can get anyadvice to somebody who's here
just coming out or just tryingto get a new group of friends,
take your personality and holdyour personality back, but make
sure you're a very giving person, because gay people love subtle

(16:49):
, sweet people, like people whoare very nice, genuine and sweet
, but subtle they love.
My personality is not subtle,so that's why I have to turn
that back and go a little bitlike you said, go a little bit
over the top and make sure,because the worst people that we
don't like are people who showup with you know.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
You can say it.
You can say it, no, you can saythat.

Speaker 2 (17:19):
I have a cup of 16.
And I have an old friend, sona.
And to the group it's going tobe a part of that group and this
doesn't mean just from thebeginning until you get in, it's
throughout the party.
Carry your weight.
Carry your weight with yourfamily, because your family will
turn on you just like any otherfamily will.

(17:39):
Make sure you carry your weight.
Don't be the one that'sdragging ass behind everybody
and being the anchor thateverybody else has to carry.

Speaker 3 (17:48):
You don't want to be that person, because then nobody
wants to be around you and it'ssad to say it, but it's the
truth.

Speaker 1 (17:54):
Also, if you see people showing up and they're
always bringing something.
Like you know, brinnell has abar.
Michelle, you know our friend,she did that amazing Pride Party
for us that I recently posted.
Like she, her husband makes thebest food, literally Amazing,
amazing food.
Like, first of all, she shouldnot have to give us our booze.

(18:15):
I mean, ryan brought an entirecooler.

Speaker 2 (18:17):
I was thinking about it this way.
So our friend Michelle is astraight woman and she's amazing
, she loves us, she's just greatto us.
She threw us a Pride Party andit was probably what 30 of us,
yeah, okay, it took her probablythe day before all morning to

(18:38):
set up.
I guarantee you they spent justone food.
I guarantee you 200, 300dollars on food, oh, probably
more, and then, and then howmuch on alcohol she spent, and
then they had to clean up thenext day, like we tried to like,
do like small stuff to help herclean up, but she, she bent

(19:01):
over backwards.
So it's like things like thatthat when you come to a party
you send, if it's cost you 40 or50 bucks, send that money
because it's a really nicegesture to the person that's
hosting the party that you wantto be a part of that group to
say you know, hey, I appreciatewhat you did, like it's the

(19:21):
social cues, knowing where youare, what you're doing and make
sure that you have value to addto the further.

Speaker 1 (19:27):
I used to host all the after parties back in my
younger years Sex parties, no,okay, I just had degenerate
friends when I was 20s and itwas just literally people like
like dancing and drinking untilthe early morning hours.
But I would always like frontthe booze and it got to the
point I was like getting reallymad because these people that I

(19:48):
didn't even know would just showup and I would be like, kind of
be nice, and people would justbring people to my place and you
know, I'd had that same placefor a very long time downtown
and it'd be like, oh, we'regoing to bring for the after
party and there'd sometimes belike 30 plus people at my place.
So I started filling my Gregosbottles and stuff with like the

(20:08):
super cheap pop off.
Well, because it just wasgetting super crazy, I'm like I
don't know any of these people.
So then of course, all thecheap people that don't even
know me, they're coming andtrying to drink to the expensive
shit.

Speaker 2 (20:21):
So let's take this for instance.
So imagine you being a partyhost, right, and somebody coming
into your party and you've gottwo different people here.
You've got the person thatwalks in and says, hey, that's
the way to the party, and goesand goes off into the party.
Or you have that other personsays, hey, thanks for inviting

(20:41):
me, here's a bottle of liquor, Iappreciate it.
Boom, there's a connection Lovethat person, you love that
person, and then you, as thehost, you go.
I want to know more about thisperson.
And it's the same way with withchosen family.
Like you want to bring yourbest a game to that chosen
family.
You want to be remembered bythose people and you want

(21:03):
somebody to be like.
I want them to like me.
Let me get my foot in the door.
It's the same way with jobs.
Like put your best foot forwardas the beginning of the race.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
Like it's like a job, isn't it?
It's like I was thinking thatit's a good job interview.

Speaker 2 (21:18):
Yeah, put your best foot forward and then, once
you're in, you've got to buildthat rank to be able to sit back
and be like I did this.
I don't need to do this anymore.

Speaker 3 (21:28):
Yeah, I think yeah, that's the point, because I mean
they focus on, like, chosenfamily.
They're literally you'rechoosing to be there and vice
versa, they're choosing like doI want to keep you around and
just like I can let you in, Ican get rid of you.

Speaker 1 (21:41):
Yeah, that's a fun guest.
I hope they don't listen, butwe had a fun guest at your house
party, remember when you hadthat fun 90s party, and they
actually did the opposite, whichI think we should also talk
about, where you go almost toabove and beyond, I mean, I

(22:09):
think there were gifts and therewere things brought, right.
Did he bring stuff?
Did you go to the 90s partythat Brian hosted?
I was wearing my overpricedGeorge Michael shirt that my
stylist Whitney friend made mebuy and it was very cute.
I had brought this guy that Ihad met no, no, no, no, not a

(22:32):
boyfriend.
First of all, I'm gonna be likeAdam waving his finger.
Adam, can you wave your finger?
I'm like you know what waveyour fingers, adam, finger wave.
Every time I edit a video, I'malways like this it's just Adam
waving his finger.
No, I brought this guy that Ihad met literally a day I think

(22:53):
before right, it was maybe a daybefore and I met him through
another girlfriend of mine andhe basically kind of invited
himself to go to roundup, ourbar here that we go to in Dallas
it's like our favorite bar andBrian and Brad and a bunch of
people were at roundup and I waslike, okay, come meet my friend
.
And then kind of showed upSingular friend, my friend and

(23:16):
my friends.
I was like, yeah, come meet myfriends.
And it was actually a new gayin Dallas this is a great topic,
new gay in Dallas.
And I was like, okay, it waskind of weird because it kind of
got.
It was like it, I didn't expectand I thought there were more
people coming with us, but itwas just the two of us and I was
like, okay, like maybe he'sinterested in me or something.

(23:38):
But then, kind of find out, youguys had this conversation and
he like, yeah, he like gave youhis number, yeah, and he knew
what.
Yeah, he knew that this is anice he knew as a friend.

Speaker 3 (23:52):
like he was new in Dallas for hanging out, he
seemed like a cool guy.
Met him through Blaine sobasically he was like vetted
through.

Speaker 1 (23:58):
Blaine.
Well, everybody and this is thejoke to this day thinks I
vetted this person.
Okay, and I literally had justmet him, spent maybe an hour and
a half.
My friend that had introducedme got drunk and left and so
like then I'm just stuck withthis person and I don't really
know him either.
And all of a sudden he's givingRyan his number, texting him

(24:21):
text me the next night or thenext morning.
And I didn't text him backCause I was like, oh, I didn't,
I just didn't get the vibe.
I was just kind of thought thevibe was like a little off for
me in my opinion and I was likeI'm going to text him later
cause I don't want him to askwhat I'm doing this afternoon
and then maybe him and I canhang out again before I
introduce him to my friend group, cause we were all going to the

(24:43):
Ivy that day.

Speaker 2 (24:45):
What the fuck is this ?

Speaker 1 (24:48):
So this is the date of Ryan's party.
So I wake up, I see the text.
I'm like we're going to the IvySaturday morning, so we're
going to the Ivy, and then Ryanhas his nineties party that
night, which is like a bunch ofpeople coming.

Speaker 3 (25:03):
We know where we were that morning, where I was that
morning, not at the Ivy.
Where were you that morning?
I was at Katie Trail Ice Houseand I'd already had his number,
so I invited him to Katie Trailthis is my point.

Speaker 1 (25:16):
I didn't know any of this, so I show up at the Ivy.
I had ignored said texts fromthis new friend cause I'm
deciding I'm going to try tomeet new person later.

Speaker 2 (25:25):
Well, you're in the ass of cute to figure out if you
want him to be around him.

Speaker 1 (25:28):
Exactly my point right.
I didn't know that he had givenhis number to Ryan.

Speaker 2 (25:33):
I didn't have an mediator of this, so the guy
went around and texted, textedRyan to probably in his head, go
, I'm going to weasel my wayinto this.
However he could.
And Ryan, I'm doing this.
I'm going to come to this partytonight and side-blok and blame
him.
This, which I can tell youright now for anybody that's

(25:56):
listening, anybody that's eventhinking of Do not do that.
It'll burn, Because if you thinkthat people in that room yeah,
that friend group put on fun andit's work for me, that friend
group, I'm telling you they talk, and when I mean they talk,
they talk, or some school girlsdo, and they will find out and

(26:17):
as soon as they know that you'reone of those godly and sneaky
ass people, they will cut youout faster than you can even
sneak in.

Speaker 1 (26:26):
And I got to tell you what happened when I so showed
up at the Ivy Adam.
I did not know that they hadbeen at Katie Trail Ice House in
the morning and I showed up andthere he was sitting because I
did not answer his texts.
The literal shock on my facewith the rest of the friends I

(26:49):
was literally in shock and youhave to think from my
perspective I hadn't texted himback Mainly woke up slightly
hungover Was like I don't wantto text him because I don't want
.
I have a big day today of Ihave.
I'm going to go to Ivy, I'mgoing to go to Brian's party and
I don't want to invite himbecause I don't know if I like
him.

Speaker 2 (27:07):
And he's looking at the side going you sneaky ass,
bitch, you sneaky ass whenaround me, yeah for sure.
To get invited to this party,and I'm telling you that is the
worst way to do it, because youmay be, invited to that first
party but you would never getinvited to that second, third,
fourth or whatever more.

(27:28):
It's the worst.
You need to be reserved andyour main artery.
If you would have been blamedin that situation, you have to
stick that main artery.
And you'll have to go throughthat Because if you go out of
your home you're going to getshort cut.

Speaker 1 (27:45):
It's good advice.
Like I stayed with Brian theoriginal time and then I also
made it a point which I feltlike in this situation was fair.
Like Brian and I kept hangingout even though, like Renault
wasn't inviting me to hisparties, like or he was not I
didn't get a first party right.
It wasn't like Ryan was forcingan invite to a party.

(28:07):
Like Ryan and I kept hangingout the whole time, like I was
building a relationship withRyan, then getting those invites
to the party.
In this situation it was likelet me go behind everyone's back
then, mind you, by the time weget to the IV, he's already
given his number to theaccountant, all of our other
friends, and he's hanging allover them.

(28:28):
They're like drunk and I wassitting there so fucking livid I
could barely see straight.
And then I said to Ryan, didyou?
No, because he left and he goes.
Okay, girls, I'm going to gofreshen up and I'll see you at
the party and I go.
Ryan, did you invite him toyour party?

Speaker 2 (28:49):
And he said yes, and I was like no, it's the biggest
mistake that I don't know thatstraight people, but gays do.

Speaker 1 (29:00):
This was less than 24 hours.
I see that.

Speaker 2 (29:02):
Less than 24 hours, but I see this happen so much.
You cannot wedge yourself intoa friends group like that.
Because here's the thing youhave to stay true to who you
know in that friends group first.
So Blaine was the first personthat he knew he should have

(29:23):
never reached out Like.
If it was me that youintroduced to the friend group,
I would never veer from you.
It would always be goingthrough you until the outside
people came to me and said, ohmy gosh, let me get your number
and like, and that's absolutely-and we asked you for your

(29:44):
number.

Speaker 1 (29:44):
He did right.
You didn't say let me give youa I don't think I asked for his
number.

Speaker 3 (29:48):
I mean, I don't remember specifically, but I
remember like talking and it wasbefore I don't know.
I feel like he made sure likethings were coming up and he was
like felt like he was verysupportive, like oh my God, you
guys are raising money for hislife cycle, and it was all these
things that I was like and inmy head I'm thinking, okay, made
him through Blaine, it'sBlaine's friend.
And then like, then he'ssupporting his life cycle and so

(30:10):
it's like this easy.

Speaker 1 (30:11):
So then we get to the party.
Okay, and, by the way, and Ryanhad been planning this for a
bit and we all had, we all cameon point to this party.
We were dressed for the 90s.
It was like, really on pointand it was a really fun party.
So this one shows up and in allhis glory and he was loud,

(30:35):
obnoxious, overly, likecompletely wasted, I think,
maybe high too, I don't know,but like it was an epic meltdown
, I mean the most epic meltdownyou've ever seen in your entire
life.
This was it.
And then actually starteddancing in a very awkward way

(30:57):
like break dancing.
Was it break dancing?

Speaker 3 (30:59):
I don't know cause I was wasted at that point.

Speaker 2 (31:03):
So this all goes back to.
It's a job Like you're going on, like a job interview, and now
that you're in the group andyou've got the job doesn't mean
that you can go to the boardmeeting and take control.
You have to sit back and youhave to watch the dynamics of

(31:25):
the group and slowly build.
I mean again, I have a verystrong personality.
I did not come into this groupof friends kicking and screaming
.

Speaker 1 (31:37):
I met you at the birthday party for Mr Hare and I
thought, you were the nicestperson in the world.

Speaker 2 (31:45):
It was Reynolds birthday party and he threw it,
our friend threw in for him athis house and I was still trying
to win this friend over To tryto to keep this, this guy, into
my quarter and like date, I wasdoing anything and everything
possible today, and this iswhere it goes to knowing your

(32:08):
arteries, knowing who to like,stay with what.
Now, now I've been in a friendgroup for probably six months, I
think you say Eight months.
Okay, so a month.
So I stayed up all nightnumbers.
I stayed up all night knowingthat I had to bring my absolute
a game.
I Baked rental a homemade forbig eight that I was scared

(32:35):
shitless, it was gonna tastelike shit.
I Paid, I didn't pay, I made ashark food reward and I sent
$350 in the shark food rewardlike I made the biggest Shark
food reward in world's pictureof this thing, because it was
freaking awful it was really andand when full.

(32:57):
First of this, I did everythingpossible to make the homers like
.
I was.
Like I'll clean, I'll dowhatever I can.
I Was way over the top of itand I know that okay.

Speaker 1 (33:10):
If I have a video of your speech, which I think I
might, I will post it now.

Speaker 2 (33:17):
If I don't because you would have thought I mean
right over you.
I.

Speaker 1 (33:20):
Literally, because this is was kind of.
I was new as well.
I like I said this was my firstparty where Ryan wasn't there,
so I didn't have my little buddyto like you take me around, and
it was a really large party.
I'd like it to know there's alot of people, big place and,
and so I do think I filmed itand I was like, wow, this guy

(33:43):
and him have just I'm prettysure I have the filming.
It is that speech was, and so Ihad no idea it was all because
you were trying to date.

Speaker 2 (33:53):
Was because I felt bad that nobody was gonna say
Somebody's gotta say somethingabout.
So much for us and I mean Ican't say enough good stuff
about like I'm gonna get to yourguy.

Speaker 1 (34:20):
You can give you real speech now.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
Absolutely.
He's so genuine, he's so giving, he's so nice.
I'm like he's like, he's justso one like Anything I've ever
gone to Ronald about or anythinglike that.
He's opened His.
He's open his arms thing.
He's like, look just I'll helpyou with whatever.

(34:44):
And like I, absolutely,absolutely, like I give Ronald
the most shit ever.
Don't I fucking I would take abullet for him.
Like I absolutely love it, likehe's amazing.
Some really good words about itI've only known about for maybe

(35:14):
Ten months and I already hadlike huge impact on me.
And like I was just like thisis like an amazing person.
And and for whoever marriesthat motherfucker, like if you
do.

Speaker 1 (35:31):
Yeah, he's like the most amazing person, and that's
what I love is there's like.
I love these connections.
I love you guys the same way,by the way.
Hence why I gave you my lovingbook and wrote very heartfelt
things, and I'm not a heartfeltperson usually.

Speaker 2 (35:44):
It's where, like our day, families are so tight, like
we have each other's backs,like we will do Anything for
anybody like, but you've got toknow how to get into that group
and and just how to make surethat you're not overbearing even
though, I will say this again,I'm a very good person, but like

(36:06):
know how to be that puzzlepiece of the family and and how
to be like that key space.

Speaker 1 (36:15):
I think you like to your point.
I think it's all about Us beingthere for each other and, like
Brian's been there for me like aton.
I mean I think we've been therefor each.
I had like a moment.
Actually I had a crime on methe other day which normally do
not to at the bright party.
I did like a little breakdownbecause we do have these bonds

(36:35):
with each other that, like Ireally do love you and I really
think like and I do thank youfor bringing me into this group
and being like my advocate andand and you know, all of us just
, I think, support each other somuch and I'm glad that you know
I finally got in.
I like I told you, I told youwhen at that it was, that it was

(36:57):
, that it was.
It was literally the Super Bowland the, the funeral sandwiches
that did it.
That was after you.
I was right on the heels of you.
So my first, my first invite,was Reynolds birthday party
within Ryan's there.
So that was my first partywithout Ryan, without Ryan's

(37:20):
presence, and I was like, oh mygod, and like it was an
intimidating part becausethere's 60 people there and I
didn't know everyone.
And that's when I startedmeeting, like all the other
people, and I probably was greatthat Ryan wasn't there because
I was able to just be myself andI knew enough people.
And then Reynolds easy, butlike it was his birthday.

Speaker 2 (37:35):
I'm so sad.

Speaker 1 (37:40):
Too busy showboating, because I just thought you had
been like a part of this thing,this Exactly, and I thought it
was.
I find it funny now becauseit's kind of my first big party
with like a lot of the people,and then you were like just oh,
like in it and you just been init only a little bit of time,
but it's interesting because youcan become that close, that

(38:04):
quick if you put in the work andyou bring the right things, you
can get locked into a family.

Speaker 2 (38:08):
And I'm telling you, the gays there's.
It's so many like.
So many times I've heard thatDallas is Such a hard city to
like meet people and like be in,like it's so clicky and clicky.
The way that I'm explaining itis it's not clicky, it's that
they will grasp onto the peoplewho are good around them and

(38:31):
they will hold them tight andlock them down.
And is it?

Speaker 1 (38:34):
a little hard to get into.

Speaker 2 (38:35):
It's a little bit of hard, you don't have to do your
homework and and put for theeffort, but Once you're in they
will.
They will fight tooth and nailfor you, and that's the chosen
family that you want.

Speaker 1 (38:47):
No, I just try to you know I was ready.
I do think that some people arenot great and maybe you can't.

Speaker 2 (38:54):
I mean, like I've been through a lot of people
work.
I have a friend that's goingthrough the start now where he's
like I can't meet people.
You have to go out there tomeet good friends.
You can use many people as youcan and then you go from there.
You, even the first five peoplethat you meet May not be good

(39:15):
people, but the people behindthem or the people behind them
may be the people that you wantto be friends with and you go
through it and it sounds hard tosay that you pick and choose,
but you pull the good people outof the aspects of you know what
you're in and you get thosegood people and you put them

(39:36):
behind you.
So it may be a group of tenpeople and you're, like you know
, I only one of these people.
It is good and you starthanging out then but it may be
their friends Friend that'sactually a good person and you
start gravitating to them.
You know you don't want to burnthe bridges that got you there,

(39:57):
but you can cross those bridgesin a nice way to get to the
good pieces that you want inyour life.
Here's what I say, because,because my friend is like I
can't need anybody, and I'm likeyou won't even cross a bridge.
So if you're not gonna cross abridge, you're not gonna try to
go out meet people.

(40:17):
Nobody can help you.
You have to go through and meetI don't want to say the bad
people, but the people thatyou're not going to be as close
with.
To get to the people thatyou're going to be close with, I
take walking to Dallas and godamn, here's Ronald Boom.
This is it.
This is one of my best friends.

(40:40):
Let's go.

Speaker 1 (40:40):
And I think this is a great point, because I think
sometimes people are I love mymother's thing friends for a
season, friends for a reason,and I think this is probably one
of the biggest things that westruggle with.
And kind of another good segueon this is sometimes we have
friends that we thought weregood and then we thought about

(41:02):
our core work, part of our corecrew, I should say, but then
they just aren't really good forus anymore.
Are we just drifted apart?
I believe Ryan has theexperience like that.

Speaker 3 (41:18):
Well, you've been telling me that, yeah, the last
few months, reminding me of that, yeah, because you just had.

Speaker 1 (41:24):
I lost a very good friend that I stayed with during
the pandemic and letting him gowas the hardest thing I ever
did.
I did this hypnotherapy thingand this whole spiritual journey
which I've told said about, butduring that process I let go of
our friendship and I cried andI let it all out.
But because of that I was ableto open space for you all, like

(41:47):
if I had still been friends withhim no way, he was way too
possessive for me to be friendswith anybody else.
He would have talked shit, hewould have done all this stuff,
same right.
And you just went through this.

Speaker 3 (41:58):
I almost don't like to admit it, but there's
probably still a little bit ofme getting over it and through
it, even though I know it's likewhat's best.
But there's like sometimestends to be that like, why are
we hanging on to, holding on tomaybe that person or that
friendship?
If I give it my all, I give itmy best, I did what I could.
There wasn't that back andforth mutual and fell apart.

(42:21):
It's done so I've got to moveon.
But there's still somethingthat's like why do I do that
Like trying to like get anexplanation or get a ending to
that, when I just maybe need toaccept that there is not going
to be one?

Speaker 1 (42:37):
I mean your closure should be that there is no
closure and that that person isclearly just selfish and it's
safe, for relationships Right.

Speaker 2 (42:48):
I remember doing it again.
So good word of advice, right?
Okay, every friendship that yougo through, don't take the bad
from it, but take what youlearned from it.
So, even if it was a bad partof it, you learn something from
that.
Take that and use that to buildon to better friendships.
And you can use that infriendships and in relationships

(43:09):
.
But take the good and the bad,understand what went through it,
what happened, so that youdon't repeat the bad things and
take what you learned from itand move it on to a new
friendship.
It's the best thing to do.

Speaker 1 (43:23):
I agree, Because that energy that you're giving to
that person could go to someonebetter that actually fulfills
your life right.

Speaker 3 (43:28):
Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1 (43:30):
And it doesn't like I don't know.
Shoot fireworks off in yourhouse and you will always look
back and go.

Speaker 3 (43:36):
I went through this for this, so always remember
that, yeah, I mean, there's kindof like I know right, Like none
of us are like perfect all thetime, Like everyone has their
mistakes, but like can you befriends that like recognize and
own up to things and talkthrough it and like how can we
move forward in a healthy way,Like those are the people that
you're going to keep?

Speaker 2 (43:57):
And that's actually a good point, because you always
want to be able to listen toyour friends' issues and what
your friends think about.
And I'm talking politics,religion whatever it is If you
want to be a good friend, openyour ears and shut your mouth.
Listen, just listen andunderstand where they're coming

(44:19):
from, even if you don't respectit, just listen.

Speaker 1 (44:25):
Well, I think what you're saying is respected, but
Some people just need a ear.

Speaker 2 (44:30):
They don't need input , they just want to talk and
just have an ear.
And I can tell you, if you're aperson who just listens, you
will get way further thananybody else.
I don't listen.

Speaker 1 (44:42):
I think you listen.
Actually, I think you talk alot, but you also listen,
sometimes deep down, we know it.
We know it deep down.
This is a good episode, forsure.
I think this is a good episode.
You know, I'm my hope and I'vewanted kids, obviously most of
my life, but I think I'm kind ofgetting to the point now that
I'm almost 40 that I'm probablynot going to have them.

(45:03):
My hope is that this chosenfamily of mine will take me to
the end of life.
I just went to my grandfather's90th birthday and it just makes
me think when I'm 90, heactually has a lot of friends
and I'm like I think that that'simpressive and I don't know a
lot of people like that,especially in the straight
community.

(45:23):
I'm like, oh, I really hope tohave a lot of great people
around me as I grow older, andso that's kind of my hope for
this chosen family.
Adam, if you are, you around methis long.

Speaker 3 (45:37):
You're going to live much.

Speaker 1 (45:41):
I know Ryan well, I'm going to be 42.
Sure, if you don't wear somesunscreen, you're not going to
live much longer.
You're like.
Matthew sent me that video ofhim peeling off your skin after
a pool party.
It was not good Peeling skinGross.
We need to get you somesunscreen because that melanoma

(46:02):
is real.
Yes, please wear a sunscreeneverybody.
It's important, that is superimportant.
But yeah, I think this is areally good episode and I love
you guys and I'm glad that we'reall a part of our chosen family
.

Speaker 3 (46:17):
Family podcast Cheers .

Speaker 2 (46:18):
Cheers to coffee with gays.

Speaker 1 (46:21):
To us next time when we talk about the Gen Z's.

Speaker 2 (46:25):
The Gen Z's.

Speaker 1 (46:28):
Well, it's really millennial and Gen Z's, since we
are in ourselves, you aretechnically millennial.
I like to call myself an oldermillennial, so I think it's an
interesting discussion.

Speaker 3 (46:40):
I didn't get them very well.
So on YouTube, Spotify, youknow they usually all subscribe
everywhere.
Listen and watch.
So we'll see you next timeevery Wednesday Cheers, Cheers,
Cheers.