From Frontlines to Homefront: A purple Heart's Path

Step into the shoes of warrior Zachery Tenholder, whose battles extended far beyond the battlefield. In "From Frontlines to Homefront: A purple Heart's Path," we share the story of a 101st Airborne veteran who faced the horrors of combat and now confronts the challenges of PTSD. With a Purple Heart as a symbol of sacrifice, this podcast delves into the veteran's journey of recovery, offering a glimpse into the hidden battles fought long after the war ended.

Episode Transcript

(00:06):
Suscribe, homie! Come back,Mike! So this is another episode

(00:26):
of combat.
Mike, we have our FuckingAmerican hero, Zachary Tenholder
from Kansas City, Let me pass onthe mic to Tenholder, Tenholder
tell introduce yourself and tellus a little bit about yourself,
brother.
My name is Zachary Tenholder.
I go by Zach and I was.

(00:48):
And 101st Airborne, 2nd 502nd,bad boys.
Fuck yeah.
Alright like we traditionallydo, let's dive into a fucking
combat story, bro.
That's what everybody wants tohear, and get shit off our
chest.
So if you want to share, acombat story that stayed with
you or that fucked you up orthat, you think, you should
share.

(01:11):
Obviously my biggest story iswhen my Humvee got cut in half,
that always stuck with me,messed me up pretty bad.
I took the 50 off the head.
I've got shrapnel in my rightleg and shit.
And that always with me, myright leg still messes with me.
I got a piece of shrapnel thatstill messes with me.
The VA's offered to get it out,but my doctor says it's going to

(01:34):
be too invasive for what goodit's going to do.
Did your did your nuts make it?
Yeah.
Barely.
All right.
Barely.
I took, I did, I took the radioswhenever we got hit the radio
because it blew the firewallout.
The radios blew between my legs.
Holy damn.
And then'cause we had just testfired the 50 like the day before

(01:59):
or something like that.
I unstrapped the barrels or thespare barrel.
And the ammo cans.
So when we got hit, they came upand hit me in the back of the
legs.
Damn, we should have had thatstuff strapped down so a little
bit of context on this mission.
We were rolling into somefucking place.

(02:22):
There was known combatants andcachet weapons, cachet and
terrorist training camp, allthis bullshit intelligence that
we had received.
And we were rolling deep inthere.
It was what?
Fucking 20 vehicles or some shitlike that.
Yeah.
And we were, yeah, I was leadvehicle in the whole thing.
The tip of the spear.

(02:43):
Yeah.
I was a vehicle runner as well.
Bro, I understand your pain.
So these guys rolled up, it waslike right over a fucking canal,
right?
Yeah, it was it was a chokepoint.
Yeah.
It was like, not that I don'tknow if it was a canal, but.
I can't quite remember that.
It was like a little levy.

(03:04):
I think it wasn't going overthis little levy.
I can't recall either, but tellus what you remember about that
day, man.
We got staged up.
We'd been staged up for what aday or two or something like
that.
Like getting ready to go do thismission and stuff.
And yeah, we rolled up, like wegot the call to take off.

(03:33):
And yeah, we roll up and come upto that choke point.
And I remember Biddle, he was inthe back PC side seat, Biddle
was, and he said something like,look, there's like a cassette
tape.
Cause there was a cassette tapethat was all strung out all over
the road.
Yeah, like a broken old cassettetape.

(03:56):
And I was paying attention tothat.
And I see that I look off to theleft side, I see this goat
farmer and.
He looked like he was herdinghis goats really fast and I was
paying attention to him and notthe road.
I was like watching him andtrying to figure out why he was
like freaking out.
Like he was chasing his goatsreally fast and that was like

(04:19):
like a sign.
Like I was like, this guy islike being weird or I'm trying
to find something to probablyshut up with.
Okay.
But yeah, we came up to thatchoke point and I noticed that
goat herder was freaking out andI just thought it was weird.
And then we ran over thatpressure plate and if they would

(04:42):
have planted it the right waybecause they planted the
pressure plate on the wrongside, that should have hit right
underneath our vehicle, notunderneath the engine.
Holy shit.
And so they would have hit rightunderneath the vehicle.
There wouldn't have been any ofthis.
Who else was in that vehiclewith you?
Nestor, Milam and Biddle andEmory and me.

(05:07):
Did everybody get hit withshrapnel?
No Biddle got lucky.
He got lucky.
But as soon as we got hit, hejumps out of the vehicle and
then freaks out and then climbsback in.
He's what?
And I got knocked out.

(05:27):
Like I got knocked unconsciousbecause the 50 came off my dome
and I woke up because my Rhinomount was hung up on the front
of the turret, and he woke upand there's no turret shield.
There's no 50, all that shit wasgone and I didn't realize it.
I look around for my weapon.
My, my weapons got blown out,cause I had an AT 4 up there

(05:50):
with me and then I had my M14,and fucking, no, I didn't have
my shot.
Sergeant Nestor had my shot,man.
Mossberg and.
I climb out, I realized that theHumvee's on fire.
The front of the Humvee was onfire.
And I remember our training,like training kicked in and that

(06:12):
don't ever climb through, fire,try not to, if you can try not
to climb through the fire.
So I, and then I thought, shit,I knew.
Through our training, that theylike to ambush you afterwards
small arms, I was scared.
I was trying to make up my mind.
It felt like an eternity, but Isure I made up my mind fast and

(06:32):
I was like, I climbed throughwith the top and I climb up the
top and I noticed that there'sno turret shield and stuff, but
I had dust in my eyes.
I couldn't really see.
And I almost jumped off thefront onto the hood of the
Humvee, but there was no.
Front of the Humvee, it wascompletely gone.
I remember that shit.

(06:53):
Go ahead.
So I climb up the back, and jumpoff the back.
And I didn't realize I wasjumping into a three or four
foot.
IED crater.
And so I was not prepared forthe extra, four foot drop off
the back of the home B when Ilanded in the IED crater, it was
so fucking hot, like from theexplosion, I remember looking up

(07:18):
and seeing, I think it was babybear and the LT, I can't
remember.
But seeing them and I get on myLMR and I just get the fucking
medics up here and get thefucking medics.
Cause it was like dead radiosilence.
Yeah.
And then I just got on my LMRand I'm like, get the fucking
medics up here.

(07:38):
And then I climb out of thehole.
Cause I was worried aboutsecondaries being in, being in
the hole.
And I remember seeing Emory onthe side of the road and he's
kneeled down.
On his leg.
And so he's taking a knee, hehas his weapon and shit, like
pulling security and I rush overnext to him.
I was like, are you hit?
Are you hit?

(07:58):
And he goes, yeah, my fuckingleg, man, my fucking leg.
And I'm like, looking at his legand it's you're not hit.
And he's no, the leg I'm proppeddown on.
And he was had pieces ofshrapnel sticking out of his leg
like that.
And he was kneeled down on them,like using those to support his
weight.
Oh, man.

(08:20):
And I don't remember how long ittook cause they said something
like you had to wait a minute orsomething for secondaries.
And so I, Get my IPAC orwhatever it was called, your
little medical pack thateverybody carry.
And I start trying to wrapEmory's leg and I'm fucking
hurting him back because I'mtrying to wrap the Curlex around

(08:43):
the shrapnel.
Just show me that shit indeeper.
I'm shaking so bad.
I'm just like jerking thefucking shrapnel around with the
Curlex and he's fuckingscreaming at me.
I was like, can you fucking dothis yourself?
And he goes, yeah, give me yourfucking weapon.
I'll pull security.
I remember Milo got fucked uphis leg too.
Yeah.

(09:03):
He, yeah, he was pinned in andthe Humvee was still on fire a
little bit.
And I, that's one of the worstthings I can remember is hearing
him fucking just scream, likescreaming and pain because he's,
his legs got fucked up, but healso was getting burned.
At the same time.
And then...
I seen Ginhart run by, and thenPapa Bear run by, and Papa Bear

(09:29):
went and did his big ass Cubanshit, and ripped the fucking
steering column out of thefucking Humvee.
Because Mylon was pinned in hischest because it blew the...
Steering column back and pinnedhim into the humvee.
Dude, so he went beast mode onthat fucking steering wheel.
Yeah, he went beast mode on thesteering column and fucking

(09:50):
ripped it.
I can still remember hearinglike the metal, I don't know if
it was metal or plastic, it wasjust pop as he's ripping that
motherfucker out of there.
I remember when that fucking IEDwent off, I was in one of the
rear vehicles, bro.
You motherfuckers made me runlike a fucking mile and a half,
bro.
That was probably the fastestmile and a half I've ever ran in

(10:12):
my fucking life.
We thought you guys were gone atfirst, man.
We didn't know.
We just hear the boom, then wejust hear IED.
And your fucking blood justfucking drops, man.
That horrible fucking feeling isfuck.
So everybody, man, gets down.
We're sprinting.
We we cut off one of thestretchers off the MRAP and

(10:32):
we're fucking hauling ass.
I think it was me, Chavez.
I can't remember who else.
And the birds got there prettyquick.
I don't even remember beingthere for that long when the
fucking choppers were alreadythere.
And we fucking helped get youguys on that fucking bird.
I remember when they smiled themout.

(10:53):
Funny part of it.
He tells, he says today he stillthinks it's fucked up, but now
he sees a sense of humor becausehe got like racket on his face
and shit, and it's like hip,some of his teeth and he was
sitting there and we had them onthe ground.
I was helping like stuff, Curlexand one of his shrapnel wounds.

(11:14):
I was stuffing Kurlex intothere.
I had three fingers inside ofhis fucking leg.
I put Kurlex in there.
You can say you've been threefingers inside of Milam.
Yeah, I have.
And he's laying there, and heAnd he's fucking screaming.
And I just tried to make somekind of humor out of it.
And I said, you have a reallypretty smile right now.

(11:38):
Fucking piece of shit.
That's just not fucking funny.
He was so fucking mad at me.
It's like that.
I guess I was wandering around.
Let's say I got told this.
I don't remember.
I guess I was wandering aroundbecause I had a concussion,
yeah, I was wondering around.
They had to keep, they had totell me like 10 times stop, sit

(12:01):
down.
Like you're fucking hit, man.
Like you need to stop.
Yeah.
Is that definitely concussion,man?
So you're out of it, bro.
You know what I mean?
That's good.
But I got told that I don'tremember that, but that's what
it's like you teleport.
Cause I went to an IED blasttoo.
So you're just like, you're hereand then you're there.
Like in between, I don't knowwhat happened.

(12:22):
Yeah, I I didn't know, likeseeing a flash of red and then
that's.
It until I woke up inside theHumvee on fire, like I, it's all
I've seen was just a flash ofred, like through the
windshield, because like mybottom part of my peripheral
vision, I just see a flash ofred through the windshield.
And then I remember Sgt.

(12:44):
Nestor getting out and he's justlost because he, he took a piece
of shrapnel like right throughhis ear, went right through his
ear and he's walking around andhe goes, where's my fucking
weapon?
And it was, he had my 12 gaugeon the strap to his back.
He lost his weapon in thefucking explosion, too.

(13:06):
He wore my fucking weapon.
He's losing his shit.
I'm like, it's on your back,Sarge.
He couldn't hear fucking shit.
I'm like, it's on your fuckingback.
Trying to scream at him whileI'm helping Emory.
It's on your fucking back.
And so he fucking messed up.
Which, that's he got mad at mewhen we got to fucking Baghdad.

(13:28):
We were in the chow hall thenext day.
I go, Sarge, I go, you know thatpiece of shrapnel went through
your ear.
I said, you realize if your headwas here, he's fuck you.
You don't think, I don't realizelike your head would've been
like right here, That is true,man.
Get to the face.

(13:49):
Yep.
Man, you guys are blessed tomake it through that man.
All that shrapnel going indifferent directions, man.
That's definitely a blessing,man, that you guys, it was
concerning the fucking blast.
You guys are blessed to have,the results that you did, man,
but it was what three was.
EOD told us it was three 120millimeter Chinese artillery

(14:14):
rounds stuffed in a 55 gallondrum with HME, ammonium nitrate.
That is crazy, man.
That is crazy.
It was definitely a horriblemoment, man.
I, that, I remember we went backand staged.
I think I, I don't recall howmuch time passed after that, but
we had to push through so weended up going over that shit,

(14:36):
man.
And I'm sure EOD stayed thereand cleared the way and then we
pushed through.
I think I mentioned this in oneof the other previous podcasts.
Is that over that shit wherethey got blown up was a cemetery
and that was a weapons cache,which ended up being true there
was weapons and fuckingartillery rounds and all kinds
of shit in there, but thecraziest shit man was.

(14:59):
This was the first time we gotintroduced to the S.
O.
I.
s, the Sons of Iraq.
So we just hadn't heard aboutthem, right?
There was this thing thatthey're going to try and launch
and we're like, all right, fuckit.
They're, we're going to beworking with the locals and
they're going to be helpingthose guys and all that
bullshit.
Okay, that was literally, Ialmost shit my fucking pants,

(15:20):
man, because I had no idea whothe fuck they were.
So we're walking up, we'redismounting and walking towards
this fucking cemetery.
And the word was that they weregoing to meet us there.
So I thought it was maybe agroup of five or fucking eight
people.
They were like 50 motherfuckers.
No.
They weren't IA.

(15:41):
They were locals.
Yeah, they're sons of Iraq.
They were like it was like thisnew fucking neighborhood watch
program that they launched.
So basically the sheiks or thesheiks of the area, we're going
to keep control of theneighborhoods.
So that's where we were going tomeet.
So anyway, we walk up, man andall I see is just.
He's 50 or more.

(16:02):
It might have been less.
I don't know, but that's how itfelt to me.
It was like fucking 50motherfuckers with fucking big
ass machine guns and belts overthem.
They might even had RPGs, butall of them definitely had
crosshand RPGs or AK 47s.
And I was like, I have my fingeron on, on ready to be ready to
go to fucking let's throw thisshit down, man.

(16:22):
And I'm looking at Leon becauseLeon.
He was like, no he had an M4 atthe time as well, but I, that
shit, my made my asshole puckera little.
I bet it, but I never trustedthose guys.
And then there was likecorruption with that stuff.
Like when we gave, I remember, Ican't remember the sergeant's

(16:42):
name.
He was a fucking headquartersguy, but we were taking him out
to drop off money to one of thesheiks.
And I was like, how much is inthere?
And he unzipped the bag.
And he's that's, and it was afucking quarter of a million
dollars.
Oh, yeah.
And I was like, holy shit.
I'd never seen that much moneybefore, we did that shit like
weekly or every other week.

(17:03):
We rolled, I don't know, itmight have been monthly, but I
remember we did it often.
We rolled out with, I thought itwas suitcases, bags, I don't
know what the fuck it was.
There was definitely fuckingwads of money in there, bro.
Oh, they gave that to us?
I seem to be like, you're onlytaking 10%.
I'm keeping that shit.
I don't know.
I wouldn't have made it.

(17:24):
Yeah.
But I think that money helpedturn the fucking page in Iraq,
man.
Cause shakes.
We basically told them if wehave one fucking round go off in
your area of one bomb, you'renot fucking getting paid So what
basically happened is we outfucking bid al qaeda Basically
that's what really fuckinghappened.
She's fucking insane.

(17:46):
Oh Let's transition into thenext phase of the questions
brother.
So tell us about your returnback to the States or what
happened, when you returned andyou, when you got out of the
military, how was yourexperience, did after that
injury, okay, let's do thisafter that injury, when did you
get back?

(18:06):
And then give us a fast summaryof the rest of your military
time and then transition intoyour civilian life.
When I got back, it was awkward,it was awkward because then we
started doing the fucking E I Bstuff.
get your, your e i b starteddoing that shit, but if you
remember I fucking reenlisted.

(18:28):
Yeah.
When I was over and I changed mym o s it was, and 1414 Tango
Patriot Missile Systems,Policious.
Pogalicious, bud.
We played Ultimate Frisbee forPT like once a week.
Fuck yeah.

(18:49):
It was fucking awesome.
Or we played basketball for PT.
Oh shit, yeah, it was.
It was no more running fucking,six miles a fucking day, and
when Nestor, he, he neverfucking let us be pussies.
He made us like Nestor is one ofthe fucking toughest
motherfuckers that I've met.

(19:09):
Yeah, he is definitely one ofmy, the best leaders I've ever
had.
I've had a few, but he isdefinitely one of the best ones.
But yeah after that, when didyou end your military time and
what'd you do right after Iended it in 2000.

(19:29):
It was May of 2012.
Okay.
Did you redeploy, did you do asecond tour?
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't do redeploy.
I was supposed to, I would, Icould have, if I extended, but I
wish I would have, because thatdeployment was to UAE, it was
basically either on a beach,every fucking day playing

(19:51):
Frisbee.
I would have taken it rightaway.
I'd be like, fuck it, let's go.
And then you still get thehazard.
They got hazardous duty pay andall that shit, and it's yeah.
What?
Who's shooting at you?
And u a e.
Nobody.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
So I had a quick story.
Huh?

(20:11):
I got a quick story.
Go for it Baby Bear.
I listened to his podcast, andhe told a story that where I
stepped on an I E D I forgot themi, what the mission was, but we
were clearing an A house to addan I e D in it.
Like it was a booby trappedhouse.
Yeah.
Now remember you were walkingoutside, you had a metal
detector, I'm pretty sure it wasyou.

(20:33):
You had a metal detector and wewere taught not to walk on foot
pass.
I was walking next to one of theTURPs.
It wasn't Carlos.
I can't remember which one itwas, but Baby Bear said I
stepped on an I E D in hispodcast.
Thing was I was right next tothe interpreter when he stepped

(20:53):
on it and It blew me sidewaysfive foot and I was fucking
rocked So, you know that I wasjust wanting to clarify that no
it was not me that stepped onthe IED What happened to the
term God damn it.
I can't remember his name.
It wasn't Carlos though.
Did he get fucked up?

(21:14):
Yeah.
Fucking fucked his leg up realbad.
I don't remember that shit atall.
And, but the thing was, is whenthey planted the IEDs or when
they planted the IED, theyplanted it with the charge.
Like on the top and not thebottom.
So when it blew up, it blewdownwards, but it still blew

(21:35):
out.
And it just knocked me on myass.
And I just remember Nestorscreaming, get the fuck down.
And I just took a knee.
I was like, I'm not fuckingtaking another step.
Fuck this.
Cause it was one of the doorbellIDs.
Okay.
Okay.
Holy shit.
You know what I'm talking about?

(21:56):
Yeah.
It was like.
Another pressure plate, but itwas a doorbell like you couldn't
even have known that you weregoing to step on it So how many
fucking times did you get blownup dude twice?
Okay and then there was onefucking Time the fucking eod set
off a big charge And I was wewere too close to it and it

(22:18):
fucking I was up in the turret,you know I wasn't inside the
truck and I wasn't named katedefilade doing none of that and
That fucking concussion from theblast, knocked me backwards and
made my vision blurry and stuff.
So I'm going to jump out likethree times.
So knock me back.
We were too close.

(22:39):
That's crazy, man.
All right.
So 2012, man tell us about yourexperience getting back to the
States.
Transition basically back intolike civilian life.
It's been, it's still been hard,even years, this many years
later, it's.
But what did you do?
As soon as you get out, that yougot out did you try going to

(23:00):
school?
Did you get a job?
Did you relax for a while?
I got a job.
No, I got a job.
And I was finishing, refinishinghouses doing drywall and, taking
rundown houses and With thiscompany and fixing them up, for
them to sell them.
But it was down in Texas.
I was living down in Fort worthat that time.

(23:23):
Oh, nice, man.
Nice.
Nice.
So how long did you do that for?
I did that for shit.
I don't know, a couple of yearsand then I moved back home to
Kansas City and got a jobbartending.

(23:43):
Okay.
And I bartended for, I don'tknow, years.
I did that for a few years.
I loved it though.
I loved bartending.
It was like badass.
And I got a fucking...
Throw people out and, I don'tknow if you remember back in the
day in the barracks, ask Malina,ask all those guys, I was known

(24:03):
for fighting and shit, a lot offights.
I remember my very first countnegative counseling statement.
Papa bear gave it to me.
I ended up in a fight.
I broke my thumb.
I broke my toe.
Both my eyes were damn near fullshut.
I got the shit beat out of meand pop up in the Statement he

(24:25):
put in there.
He goes, 10 holder.
We understand if fighting is anecessity, but when it becomes a
weekly habit, I still have thenegative counseling statement.
I saved that damn thing.
My first one.
Then it was his, when it becomesa weekly habit.

(24:46):
I'm proud of that shit.
I'm proud of that shit.
Nice man.
Fuck.
Yeah.
So let me ask you this man.
So when you get out of themilitary, man did you have a
tough time?
Was it tougher then?
Is it tougher now?
Cause I can tell you, I had somefucking anger issues when I got
out, but I didn't realize I hadthem, like my wife probably, got

(25:09):
the worst of it, in thebeginning.
And thanks to her, I realized,it was, I had a fucking problem.
You know what I mean?
So I don't know if you had asimilar experience.
Yes, I've lost because of myanger and shit, and my anxiety
and, PTSD and stuff.
I've, I lost my wife, I lost mykids, quit talking to me for two

(25:30):
years almost as I was justfucking angry all the time.
So my kids said they didn't wantto live with me anymore.
And they moved to with theirgrandma.
Yeah, because he did not want tolive with me because I had
fucking temper problems and Iwas I took it out on my family,
and that's a it's really shitty.
Yeah, I lost a lot of stuff.

(25:51):
I lost a lot of friends.
I lost, my family.
A lot of my family quit talkingto me because I had, drinking
problems and my, I wasconstantly in fucking getting
into fistfights and shit.
If obviously, it could, if youcould go back, what would you do
different?
I would have went to rehab.

(26:15):
For my drinking, because everytime something bad would happen,
I would jump down in that rabbithole and, into a bottle, I would
jump into a bottle and I wouldlive in it for, months at a
time, I lost.
You remember I lost my mom.
She was murdered.
Yeah.
You know why we were in andshit.
And then my dad died of a heartattack.

(26:37):
And then my sister was murderedand my brother was murdered.
Like it's fucking messed up.
I know.
That's crazy.
I've lost three people in myfamily due to fucking somebody
else killing them.
Yeah.
I'm sorry to hear that, brother.
Yeah.
And it Like every time somethingbad like that would happen, like
I was gone for months, and it'dbe six months before I realized

(27:00):
that I needed help, and then Ifigure out how to control my
drinking.
Okay.
But I'm still drinking a lot.
Yeah.
So where did you go for help?
To be I used to be a and stufflike The counselors and stuff

(27:21):
and I've even called the crisishotline and stuff a few times
because whenever I'm having likepanic attacks and shit, like I'm
getting overwhelmed and, butthere's local, like I go to a
local clinic.
I don't go to the Kansas CityVA.
I live outside, a little bitoutside of Kansas City, but I go
to a local clinic.

(27:42):
And there's, they have a mentalhealth thing there that also
deals with addiction problems.
I've talked to them, whenever itgets, whenever I don't ever feel
like it gets out of hand, but.
My family will sure in the helllet me know, like you're getting
out of here.
So I have you reduced thedrinking a lot or have you tried

(28:04):
to quit or what is your missionon that?
I've slowed, like I used to justdrink shit I'd finish about a
fifth of tequila every day, andJose, I'd finish about a fifth
of Jose every day.
And now I've.
Completely stopped.
Or do you like to finish half ofa Martinez?

(28:25):
Half of a Martinez?
What the hell is that?
Or a full Martinez?
A full Martinez.
Is that like a Marty?
I don't get what you're saying.
You can just do a quarter if youwant, but I'm just asking you.
But then I was like, I gotreally bad on drugs and shit,

(28:45):
like doing heavier stuff, likeputting shit up my nose, I was
doing a lot of fucking ecstasy,a lot of acid.
I'm changing stuff, and thatwasn't good.
That just makes it worse.
It makes the drinking worse.
I was drinking way more on that.

(29:06):
And I introduced even more thanone thing into your body and it
makes you go even crazier.
Yeah, I know.
I trust me.
I know.
So I've gotten off the.
I don't do the hard drugsanymore.
I smoke pot, not gonna lie aboutthat.
I smoke a shit ton of pot.
Yeah, no, that's good.
There's a lot of vets that smokepot.
You know what I mean?

(29:27):
I was gonna say, Joe had, somedrinking issues back in the day.
You wanna share a little bitabout that?
I'm about the same thing as youwent through.
I got out, I didn't know what todo.
Really heavily, just like you.
I was never really too much intodrugs or anything, but my
drinking was out of control.
I was more of a beer guy, 18pack, 24 pack, almost a day,

(29:50):
every other day, just drinking,just trying to get, suppress the
memories, obviously, and stufflike that.
Like I said, I was married too,lost that too, whatever, anger
issues as well but then, I justrealized like, hey, something's
not right I have to do somethingabout this, if not...

(30:11):
I'm just going to stay here.
What you did too.
You went and sought help.
I'm seeking help now.
I'm still drinking quite a bit,but I'm trying better because I
just lost, got out of arelationship that was good for
me.
She's the one that.
Help me stop drinking and then Ifucking help me stop the hard

(30:33):
alcohol and stuff and trying tohelp me But I ended up fucking
that up because my anger issuesand my anxiety I would get so
damn jealous and stuff I likewith my anxiety.
I just I haven't been able totrust people, and that's really
It's not that we don't trustBasically, your partner, you

(30:53):
trust other people around them,would you say you don't trust
people around because I thinkus, us infantry guys, we tend to
like, since we were in thatbrotherhood.
And now where you have somebodyunder you, you want to take care
of them.
And when you're not there,you're like, fuck, they're
defenseless against otherpeople.

(31:14):
You just want them to be aware.
That's what you say.
You want them to pay attention,but they don't have the
attention we have.
Or what we're looking at.
No, I know.
I get a hundred percent whatyou're saying.
I get, I still get nervous,especially when I'm out with my
kids, my daughter, I have a 19year old daughter and a 16 year
old daughter and they are, I gettold all the time that they're

(31:36):
very pretty and stuff.
It pisses me the fuck off whensomebody tells me, like that,
our age or, even older Oh myGod, that's your daughter.
She is gorgeous.
I'm like, don't you say thatabout my daughter?
Fuck you.
You're fucking teeth.
Don't be looking the same way,bro.
I had a baby girl as well.

(31:57):
So I'm on your side.
I will.
Yeah, no.
So let me ask you this brother.
What do you do to keep busy,man?
I shoot a lot of pool, a lot ofpool.
I was on three pool league teamsat one time, which didn't help
with my drinking because I'mback at the, I'm back at a bar,

(32:18):
on a pulley and that's threetimes a week, at least that, I'm
getting sloshed, more than justlike a beer buzz, or a beer
drunk, I'm getting, knocking outshots after shot and it just.
I realized that I had to cutthat back, but I shoot a lot of
pool and, I hang out with mykids.
I try to hang out with my kids alot more now and stuff because

(32:42):
they didn't talk to me for awhile because of my shit.
So now they've gotten a littleolder and a little more
understanding.
Of my problems, okay.
So what, so I like asking thisquestion, man what is your, why,
man, what is your reason to keepgoing, brother?
Like why do, why would you wantto keep going?

(33:04):
What motivates you?
Who is obviously my children, Igot three kids.
I got to also, I got a 16 yearold daughter, 19 year old
daughter and a 12 year old son,and they keep me going, and.
I know that how it feels tolose, I've lost both of my
parents and I know that, likeI've tried ending it before.

(33:25):
This is something that I'm okaywith talking about.
I tried ending it one time.
I swallowed like 50 fuckingsleeping pills and just said,
fuck it.
I woke up on the bathroom floor.
I didn't, I don't know how Ilay.
I just remember laying down inbed and saying, fuck it all.
And then I woke up on thebathroom floor and when I woke

(33:47):
up, my first thought was, oh,fuck, it didn't work.
Yeah, no, because I tried, I'lltell you that.
I'll tell you this, brother.
You're here for a reason, man.
You know what I mean?
I'm glad it didn't happen, man.
And I honestly, I fucking hatewhen I have to go to a funeral
and I hope that shit doesn'thappen.
Again, I want to tell you thatI'm here for you.

(34:09):
I will always be here for youand always remember why you need
to stay on this fucking earth.
So I took one of my sergeantmajors advice.
I'm one of the liberal briefs.
We're getting out is likesuicide is a permanent solution
to temporary problems.
Cause all problems are reallytemporary.

(34:30):
There's nothing that so I guesssome of my Marine Corps buddies,
we all have that I get stuckwith us because, that's what he
told me before we got outbecause he got moved, how they
move you from different units.
I think like 40 of us weregetting out.
So he had the last talk with us.

(34:51):
So I guess that's stuck withmost of us like, just keep going
don't.
Because he had some of hisfriends do the same thing, but
it's no, you guys are too youngto be, you guys, I wish we
didn't have to go through thiswar because you guys are kids.
He was already like, I want tosay 45, 50, so he had already
lived, And that's what he wentthrough the shit.

(35:11):
Yes, exactly.
So You take care of us.
I know one thing I noticed, i'vecalled the county, you know I
called that crisis hotline likethree times, you know when I was
having you know in the middle ofthe night, and I didn't want to
wake somebody up and But they'rejust like robots, they have
their list of questions, butthey're like robots.

(35:33):
It's not like Talking tosomebody, but I found it a lot
easier if I just call my boys.
That'll settle me down a lotmore, calling them brothers.
And then that'll settle me downa lot more than call them one of
those fucking crisis hot I thinkyou should, if you need it, call
them, but it didn't help meonly, I have my counselor, he

(35:58):
helps me, but most of the timewhen I'm like ready to just lose
my shit, it's, calling one of myboys and, like you or, or Malina
or if I can off key, call themone of those guys, that's good.
Let me ask you this, if, isthere one certain thing that you

(36:18):
would say fucks you up ortriggers you or is it different
things or what is like the thingthat's fucking bothering you?
Just not like I get upset withmyself the most because if I

(36:38):
can't, I'll realize that I'm notin control and that, that scares
me more than most things.
If I'm not even in control ofmyself.
But if I'm not in control of asituation like that scares of
living shit out of me, Ihaven't, I can count on one hand
how many times I've been toWalmart.
I count on probably two handsactually, but how many times
I've been to Walmart in the lastthree years, I can't put myself

(37:01):
in that.
I don't feel like I can controlthat situation.
So I avoid it, which it's, Idon't know if that's a good
thing or a bad thing, but Idon't let my, I try not to let
myself get put into a situationwhere I can't have control.
Do you think?
Are you like that without thealcohol?

(37:22):
I don't know, I'm like...
Thing is I'm a lot more relaxedwhenever I'm drunk.
I don't, cause I just don't haveto give a shit, I don't give a
shit whenever I'm drunk andshit, I don't care if I'm in,
about to grab with three, butwhen I'm sober, I avoid, I avoid
those situations, but wheneverI'm drunk, I'm all okay with,

(37:43):
losing control, I'm okay withlosing control.
Yeah.
I think I said this on anotherepisode also is.
One time I was driving crosscountry with Leon and this
motherfucker, he doesn't smokeanymore, but back in the day,
this motherfucker was baked.
So I was driving, right?

(38:05):
And I was bobbing, weavingthrough traffic, how I usually
do or used to do.
And there was this car that justwouldn't fucking move, man.
And then this other motherfuckerwanted to pass me too.
And I'm like, dude, there'snowhere I can fucking go.
I was getting fucking pissedoff.
So Leon was like, man, just moveover and let him fucking go.
And I'm like, what?
Just let him go.

(38:25):
So I move over and thismotherfucker, eventually that
other car moves over to, andthis motherfucker moves over and
I'm like, and he basically tellsme, did anything happen that are
you like, are you fucking hurt?
I'm like, no.
I'm like, he basically made it apoint to where just let her
fucking go.
You know what I'm saying?

(38:46):
And I realized to myself, I'vegot all worked up for nothing.
I don't even know that son of abitch.
They didn't even hear you.
They didn't hear me.
They don't know anything.
I was about to fucking flip thismotherfucker off and talk shit.
And for what?
You know what I'm saying?
And then you just got toremember the three fucking C's.
Cool, Common, Collected.
It doesn't fucking matter.
It's not important.

(39:06):
Now, if somebody comes to youdirectly at Walmart and fucking
pushes you or talks shit in yourface.
But I understand why you don'tvote because I used to be the
same way.
I did not like to go to publicplaces and what helped me was my
job because I became a sales repthrough a painting company and I
had to be a little bit.

(39:27):
More outspoken than that helpeddevelop me getting out of my
little fucking shell because manand when I got out 2009 all the
way to 2015 bro I never left myfucking house I didn't even have
family come over birthdayparties I didn't do none of that
you know so I can relate to thatbut when I started having my

(39:48):
kids I was like you know whatsomething's got to change like I
don't want to be like this Idon't want my kids to fucking
see me like this so that's whenI got the job and I little by
little man I started You know,and I still consider myself an
introvert person, even though, Ido what I do, but outside of my
little circle, I don't reallytalk to anybody, but I developed

(40:12):
this need, me and Joe, to helpfucking veterans, like that
helps me.
Calm the void that I have if Ican help somebody man, I fucking
love that shit You know what?
But i'm proud of you for doingthis shit, I mean because I
think it does help, just beingable to talk and shit and but
there is a well back to thedriving thing I haven't driven

(40:36):
in almost four years.
Okay.
I have not driven because beingin a vehicle is one of my
biggest triggers actually, likeI don't know if it's because I
was blown up and I don't know,but being in a vehicle scares me
the fuck to death.
Like it does, even if I'm, I'dlike it, liked it better

(40:59):
whenever I was driving, but Itry to avoid being in a vehicle
for most, at all costs for themost part, like I'm just, it
scares the living shit out ofme.
Yeah.
Okay.
So how do you get around?
What, how do you get your basic,necessities?
I have, there's like a fewpeople that are, that I trust

(41:23):
and stuff that help me out, helpme and, I obviously pay, pay
them to, get me shit, I pay, toget me shit.
So only time I really leave thehouse is if I just decide I want
to go have a drink.
Other than that, or I take my,like I try at least once once a

(41:46):
month or something like that,maybe more to take my kids out
to eat, like at a actualrestaurant, not know some, not
fast food.
Try to go to restaurant.
You're always aware of the road.
Cause I had had the same problembeing an ID blast.
I was more looking at if I wouldsee something on the road, I'd
be like, what is that?
What is that?

(42:07):
And I'd be questioning it, butI'd be like, calm down.
You're not there anymore.
But I'm pretty sure you did thator you still do that.
Yeah.
Looking at stuff, I still dothat.
I'll see something on the sideof the road and it's, I don't
know if it's a flashback oranxiety spike in your mind.
It's nothing but your trainingtriggers.

(42:29):
Everything to be like, that's anidea or that's something because
I do it all the time to thisday, but like Nelson said, I
have to drive all the time.
I have to do stuff and I can'tlet that impede me.
It can't let that stop me fromaccomplishing what I need to do.
So let me ask you this, but weobviously all have issues,

(42:52):
right?
And my way of thinking is.
Where there's a problem, there'sa solution.
You know what I'm saying?
So let me ask you this question.
Would you like to be able todrive again?
Would you like, we know youcan't right now, but would you
like to be able to do thosethings?
Or at least, A little bit more,maybe not being like a social

(43:14):
freak, but at least be able tointeract a little bit more or,
leave your home a little bitmore, interact more with the
people you love.
At least I'm not saying go makefriends with fucking YMCA and
shit.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, it's fucking embarrassed,like I've embarrassed, like my
ex, now I embarrassed her somany times, out in public where

(43:38):
we'd be at like, I don't know ifyou guys have price choppers
down there, but it's just agrocery store.
It's not like a Walmart.
It's just a grocery store.
And.
Like we would go, I wascomfortable going into there to
get stuff and Walmart, butsomebody would be blocking the
aisle and then somebody wouldcome up behind me and then

(43:59):
they're like right behind me.
And then there's somebody infront of me, not moving.
And I'm like, just get the fuckout of the way.
And I would blow up.
Yeah.
And then again, it's to thepoint where she just hands me
the key.
She's just go wait in thefucking car.
Just go wait in the car.
Because I was embarrassing forher.
Yeah.
Which I'm embarrassed for my, Iembarrasses me that I acted like

(44:21):
that, but I couldn't help.
It's like I couldn't help it.
You know what I mean?
Like I had it just somethingtriggered and I just, I'll
fucking scream at an, 80 yearold lady, get the fuck out of my
way.
Because I'm panicked becausethere's somebody behind me and
then you're blocking the fuckingaisle.
Yeah.
And I feel you.
I understand you too, but yougotta just, sometimes you gotta

(44:44):
just calm down, bro.
Like I've learned that he'shaving to help me cause I'm the
one that implodes all the timewhen we're dealing with
customers.
Like I tell them like, HeyNelson, you gotta figure this
out, bro, because I'm about toexplode.
Yeah.
So obviously I got a limit too,but I'm a little bit more chill.

(45:07):
Like in our painting company, wealways got to be professional
and some customers, they'repeople, like Some people are
just rude, you know what I'msaying?
So you would think you wouldwant to respond in, in, in the
same manner that they'reresponding to you too, but in a
professional setting, you justcan't do that, so a lot of times

(45:29):
we have to bite our tongue andbe professional.
It's crazy to do sometimes, butwe have to do it.
But how do you think, what canyou do to start making things
better, bro?
Continue or continue to seekhelp because there for a while I

(45:52):
fell off the grid, like I endedup homeless, for a while and
that that sucked pretty bad, andI don't ever want to go back to
that.
Yeah.
I was literally homeless andshit.
People started to, getting tiredof me, crashing on their couch,
shit like that.
And because I was like, I had a,like at one point I had a half

(46:20):
gallon of vodka and a case offucking monsters right next to
all my dad's couch.
I slept on my dad's couch and Ihad it underneath the coffee
table.
I had a half gallon vodka.
And the moment my eyes opened,it was.
Fucking chugging, take a big oldswig of the vodka, drink the
monster, and that's always bad.

(46:41):
You shouldn't mix the energydrinks with alcohol.
It's not a good mix.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So how can you make thingsbetter, bro?
I don't, I know we seek help,but what other steps can you do
to improve?

(47:05):
I'm trying to think.
I don't know.
I'm going to tell you what I didtoo, because I was in the same
boat, the exact same boat when Idid, I would actually listen to
what the VA the social workers,the psychiatrist, I was like,

(47:28):
all right, I would go to, butI'd be like, yeah whatever you
go through the motions.
But then when I actually startedto listen to them and to like
how they would tell me like,okay, just once you get angry,
just stop think of what you'regoing to do.
Your next step is relax.
Think before you act in a sense,but I would start to do those

(47:51):
things.
And I said, kept applying them.
It actually helped me to like.
Control my anger.
Sometimes, yes, I do boil over.
It's I guess you could say it'slike a meter, it just, it just
keeps going until you explode,but the more I listened to them
and the more I applied thosesteps.
of what they were telling me,because I was actually

(48:13):
listening.
I was able to crawl out of thatplace, and just, I'm not saying
that I let my guard down, myguard's still there, but my mind
is alright, calm down, you'renot in Iraq, calm down, you're
not in a war zone, calm downthis and that I, you have to
talk to yourself, you can't justbe exploding everywhere you go,

(48:34):
because Like you said, you won'tfit anywhere.
Yeah.
So basically, and I can, I guessvouch for what he's saying that
like I've been to the VA, seenthe shrink shit a little time
time psychiatrist, psychologist,pills, the whole nine fucking
yards.
And this is what I think,because they give, there's

(48:55):
different fucking strategies or,activities that they make you do
them.
There's one where they, you gotto write shit, shit that you
saw, what fucking bothers you.
Correct.
And this lady wanted me to dothat ten times.
And I'm like, what the fuck isthe point of this shit?
You know what I mean?
She was all like, you learn youtrain your clock and it's shit

(49:21):
right there.
I got a fucking phone call.
But now one thing I have beendoing is actually my daughter
just helped me out with thisbecause of my chicken scratch.
But I've been keeping a journal.
Okay.
That's good.
That they.

(49:41):
Recommended that I do, like mycounselor recommended that I,
whenever you're having problems,start writing them down, write
down how you feel, write downwhat what is the problem and
stuff like that.
See, and then, and let me tellyou this, what I was going to
start to say is I didn't finishthat fucking activity.

(50:02):
I probably went maybe four timesand I was all like, this is
fucking stupid.
And then I went again.
And then this other lady made mewrite a shorter version of this
shit.
And I'm like I have a lot offucking things that, that fuck
me up.
It's not just one thing.
And then she was like, okay,we'll start with the scariest
thing that that, triggers you.

(50:22):
All right.
So the point I'm trying to makeis that I've done a lot of these
fucking activities and I canactually honestly say that they
do help.
I'm not going to say that theycompletely erase.
Or the feeling or, the fuck upsensation, but it helps, it's a
step forward to dig yourself outof this fucking rabbit hole, you

(50:44):
know what I'm saying?
When you go to the VA, try man,try to do what the fuck they
tell you to do.
If it's that ten fucking visitactivity, fucking try at least
half, if not, I went only, I'mfour out of ten bro.
I went four times, four separatetimes to the VA.
I finished twice, but the lasttime I went was when I was like,

(51:09):
okay, something has to change,like it has to come from you,
from me or whatever, but youcan't just go there and sit
there and be like, blah, blah,blah.
That's, it wasn't a one timedeal.
Yeah, it wasn't like, oh, I'mhere.
I'm going to fix myself.
No.
Yeah.
You can't go in there with thementality.

(51:29):
Man.
This fucking civilian doctordoesn't know what the fuck
they're talking about.
They don't.
You have to accept that theywill never know what the fuck we
went through.
They will never understand, butthey can guide you so that you
can understand how to fuckinghelp yourself.
You know what I mean?
So that's the trainedprofessionals.
They don't know shit aboutcombat, but they know the mind.

(51:51):
They're professionals about howthe fucking mind works, the
chemical balance in the fuckingmind.
And little by little, thosefucking activities, bro.
They work there.
There's sometimes when the deathanniversaries come when fucking
dates where you guys fucking gotblown up.
I think about all that shit, thetriggering that fucking sucks.
But there's one thing that Iwrote down here in my notes is

(52:12):
you cannot blame civilians forwhat the fuck we went through,
bro.
Some people are ungrateful.
Some people, they don't evenknow how fucking good they have
it, they're clueless to what thefuck we went through and how
beautiful of a life they have tobe breathing this fucking air,
But it's not their fault and wecan't blame them for that shit,

(52:34):
so we can't change them eitherWe can't change them.
So can't do anything about itbefore You help anybody, bro.
You gotta help yourself.
Yeah, that's one thing, like thecoun one of my counselors told
me after I get off work, when Iwas married and stuff she asked
me if it would be alright if Ibrought my wife in, on to sit in

(52:57):
one of my counseling sessions.
And I said, yeah, and mycounselor straight up asked her,
she goes, after he gets offwork, you just Give him an hour.
Just give him an hour.
Just give him an hour todecompress.
And that, that helped out a lot,just taking it just a moment.
Like I have notes wrote down to,stuff I want to talk about, but

(53:17):
just that hour of peace, nothaving the kids up my ass, not
fucking, just, yeah, justunwinding and that actually
helped out a lot, just havingone hour, just one fucking hour
to myself.
I ain't got to worry about work.
I don't have to worry aboutshit.
That really does help if, and ifI would tell, other vets out

(53:40):
there, if you're havingproblems, just.
Take one hour, one hour out ofyour day to just for yourself.
That helped me out a lot.
That's good.
Good advice.
Actually.
But my counselor asked my wifeand I was like, I was shocked
because she's can you just givehim one hour a day?
And I was like, Whoa, lady, canyou shut the fuck up for an

(54:03):
hour, please?
Respectfully, man.
Respectfully.
No, but thank you for, I want tojust, if there's any wives out
here, any spouses.
That listened to his podcast,thank you for everything that
you guys went through put upwith And those that are still
putting up with shit.
Thank You know and we have torecognize and give them a lot of

(54:24):
props man.
You know to all those ladies Andothers that take care of their
spouses, but so let me ask youthis brother.
One thing that, that keeps usgoing, like I said, is we keep
busy, man.
And I was telling Joe before westarted this is one of the
things that, cause I was saying,okay, how am I not fucked up

(54:44):
anymore?
It's because I'm super fuckingbusy.
I don't have time to stop tothink, to get down.
And if I do, I have to be doingsomething.
You know what I'm saying?
So Olfke was in a rough fuckingplace.
I know I talk, and when I wentto visit him, bro, like he was,

(55:07):
he was struggling, and thatmotherfucker got his shit right
with his job.
He's golfing.
I'm not saying his fucking lifeis rainbows and sunshine now,
but.
He's trying, you know what I'msaying?
So yeah, he seems to be doing alot better than he was a year
ago.
I know that I talked to him, Italked to him quite a bit.

(55:28):
My best advice brother, is youhave to find a way to keep busy,
man.
Do something brother.
You know what I mean?
Something, I know you said youlike to shoot pool, but I don't
know if you're able to fuckingget a job fucking the V F W,
American Legion and Amvets, bro.
Like there, there's.
It helps them.

(55:49):
I didn't know shit about theVFW.
I went in there in Corpus onetime.
And I sat down at the table andordered a beer.
I was drinking a beer.
And there was three Vietnam vetssitting down at the bar.
And they're like, hey, what thefuck are you doing over there by
yourself?
I'm like, shit I'm sorry.
They're like, get the fuck overhere.
I'm like, alright, cool.
So I sit down, these are oldmotherfuckers, like 70 year
olds, man.

(56:09):
And then they startbullshitting.
Like we were back in we were 20and I felt like we were all
youngsters, but we're fuckingbullshitting, man.
Like it was fun.
I kept going a little andsomething you can try, but I'm a
member, I'm a member of the AMvets and then I'm also, I'm a.

(56:31):
Lifetime member of the DAV yeah,DAV, Disabled American Veterans.
Okay.
Like my grandfather ran the,like he controlled part, like a
big section and like he was thecommander of a huge section here
in Missouri.
Nice.
And whenever I first got out, heI, he, that's what one of the

(56:53):
things he did for me, because hewas like a really high, but he
paid my lifetime membership due.
That has tell you.
That's good.
So me and Joe are actually partof Amvets too.
We're the commander and vicecommander for Ambits.
Here in our area.
So we're about what, threemonths, three months.
So we're trying to get this upand running.

(57:15):
Cause this place is about fouror five years that they started
here, but it's still beingdeveloped.
So we're trying to get that upand running, but yeah, brother,
I don't know if you ever thoughtabout getting a job here.
I've been thinking aboutbartending again.
Cause like I said, I loved it.
And It gave me like something todo every day and then that kept

(57:36):
me from drinking, even though Iwas at a bar, but you can't
drink on the job and shit, youknow, but.
That helps.
And I've been thinking aboutgetting back into bartending,
actually thinking about goingto, I called them up the can,
the Kansas city internationalschool of bartending and just

(57:58):
going to school for it and maybegetting because I worked at an
am vets bar, like how I became amember there, I worked at an am
vets bar.
And thinking about, I could getlike a high end job, making,
making Skrilla, and so I don'tknow, it's something I've been
thinking about, but just, in myopinion, working as a bartender,

(58:21):
slippery slope, you know whatI'm saying?
You're going to be surroundingyourself with shit that you have
a problem with.
So just think about that, Idon't know if you thought about
going to different, to adifferent trade, maybe something
else that interests you.
Welding.
I was a welder for a while.

(58:43):
Okay.
I was a welder for a whileactually.
Were you like a part time welderor were you a licensed welder?
Licensed.
I went to the iron, I gotlicensed through the iron
workers.
And stuff, but I didn't reallylike that.
They treated me like, I don'tknow, my local iron workers,
they, because I came in as a newkid, they treated me like shit

(59:06):
and, like the old guys wouldfuck with me and stuff that had
been there for.
And they're like, Oh, you'renew.
And it's you have no idea.
I was constantly getting into itwith them.
It's you have no idea what I'vebeen through.
And I, just going back to thatlittle thing, bro, they're never
going to understand, and wecan't blame civilians.
We just got to, like I told offkey.

(59:26):
I remember telling off key this,it's a fucking game and you got
to learn how to play the gamebecause they only know one side
of the game.
Our fucking game is way biggerthan theirs and their game is
smaller.
We have to learn how to playtheir level and stay in their
level.
You know what I'm saying?
So we just gotta adapt andovercome brother.

(59:48):
But so we're getting close tothe end here, bro.
I don't know if you want to talkabout some other shit that you
got written down there.
I'm going on an hour and sevenminutes.
Okay.
I don't know not too much.
Just give a shout out to a fewpeople.
I forgot, like Shannon Martin,knock, getting hard, he's, he

(01:00:09):
hooked me up with a counselor.
He knows I haven't been able toget ahold of her yet, but he
said that she's really good.
So I'm going to go ahead andgive that a try.
He said that she's really goodthough.
But a shout out to at least thembecause they've helped me like,
answer my phone call at twoo'clock in the morning, whenever
I'm, in tears and losing myshit.
So I just wanted to give a shoutout to them.

(01:00:32):
It was good, man.
Shout out to Ginnard, man.
He's a good fucking medic too,man.
I got was able to get fuckingLeon help get patched up and
fucking push me away when Ifucking froze when I didn't need
to, but thank God for Ginnard,man.
only other things I have fuckingwritten down are just a few

(01:00:53):
things from Iraq, like wheneverI remember the, when the IA
commander got his leg blown off.
That was something that I stillthink it's not funny, but I
remember him laying there on thefucking ground.
He stepped on an IED.
And he started fuckingscreaming.
His soldiers started crying.
Wow.
Started crying around him.

(01:01:14):
And I just remember him fuckingscreaming and I asked the turf
what he said, and he was tellinghim to stop fucking, it's not
their fucking leg.
Shut up and stop being,basically you're making, you're
looking like pussies and infront of the American because I
asked the turf, I was like,what's he saying?
And he was screaming at him inhis fucking legs blowing off.
Telling them to quit beingpussies.

(01:01:36):
At least one of them wasn't afucking pussy.
Yeah.
Yeah, man.
That's about it.
I remember when you got hitthough, that was like the
scariest fucking thing.
That was the first time I everexperienced combat was whenever
you got hit.
When I got hit?
Yeah, like that was like myfirst memory of like real combat
was whenever, we were in thelead truck and then fucking your

(01:02:00):
truck got hit by an IED.
I'm pretty sure it was yourtruck, right?
Yeah, it was my Yeah.
And then fucking, I rememberthat and it was like radio
silence.
And I'm like, we were lead truckand I'm screaming down to
everybody.
It was cover your fuckingsector, cover your fucking

(01:02:20):
sector.
And off you scream back, I'mcovering my fucking sector.
And I'm screaming at Nestor andI'm like, do we keep pushing?
Cause you push through the ID,blast it's do we keep pushing or
should we stop?
What the fuck are we doing?
And he was just dead silent.
And I was freaking the fuck out.
So I'm just screaming ateverybody inside the truck,
which got me a fucking sector.

(01:02:43):
Yeah, that shit was crazy.
That Chavez got knockedunconscious, man.
And he should've gotten put infor a purple heart.
His dumb ass was unconscious fora fucking whole 10, 10, 15
seconds, man.
I was punching his ass to wakeup.
Finally did.
I remember Bowen.
I Bowen was in your truck.

(01:03:04):
M.
Old, old I'm dying.
But he told me he remember, Iremember laughing at him because
he told me, he said he just putafter the i e D went off, he
just put his head up against thewindow'cause he thought he was
dead.
Because I was So he conscious.

(01:03:28):
He was conscious and thought hewas dead.
he was conscious.
He's just no, I was dead, man.
Fuck.
Didn't even get you didn't takeNora.
Nothing, man.
Whatcha talking?
But it's, I guess since we'veall been in Id blast, like you
don't know what's you don't evenknow what happened.

(01:03:49):
Yeah, you said earlier.
That people were telling melike, what are you doing?
And you're just walking around,yeah.
His name was good.
He was like, so you got off yourtruck and you were just walking
around.
I'm like, fuck, I don't know,bro.
I woke up like next thing youknow, I'm like in the prone.
You're dazed and confused.
Yes.

(01:04:09):
That's crazy, man.
But what are I brother man?
I just, I'm here for you, bro.
And you're gonna get throughthis, man.
You know what I'm saying?
You are, you got to stay busy,brother.
You got to find something thatinterests you and you got to do
it.
For your kids, bro.
Your kids fucking need you.

(01:04:31):
We need you.
You know what I'm saying?
And it's not easy.
It's not easy.
And it's not gonna be easy, butOne day at a time.
One fucking day at a time, man.
Start changing shit.
You know what I mean?
I'm not gonna tell you not todrink, cause you're still gonna
fucking do it.
If you can, try.
If not, reduce the amount ofdrinks that you fucking drink.

(01:04:52):
Go walk, go run, go to a fuckinggym.
Do something.
I haven't fucking ran since Igot out of the army, and I made
myself a promise that I wasn'tfucking going to.
I ran too many damn miles to getout of the army.
Yeah, I do.
I do fish and stuff.
I do have other hobbies, I likefishing and hunting.
I hunt and shit.

(01:05:13):
So that's good.
That's good.
That's good.
That's good to go.
You have my number.
You can call me whenever youwant.
You know what I'm saying?
Reach out.
We're also the combat Mike.
Facebook messenger, Joe and Ihave access to that.
So whenever you need to reachout, just send us a message.
And I don't give a fuck whattime of the day it is or night

(01:05:33):
or morning.
You call me.
do you have an appointment setup for the VA?
What are your plans?
Oh, my like with my counselor, Ican call up there anytime.
And if they're in the middle ofit, if he's he or she, depending

(01:05:53):
on which one, if they're in themiddle of a meeting or
appointment, they'll, we'll callme back as soon as they're done
with their appointment andbullshit with me, let me put it
to you this way.
Your mission is to get better.
This is a direct order from yourold NCO.

(01:06:17):
Your fucking mission is to getbetter, motherfucker.
That is your mission.
You understand?
Yes, I know.
I do know, trust me.
I don't like being...
I don't like being with so muchanxiety.
That's my biggest problem is myanxiety.
It's not really depression, butit's the anxiety from the PTSD

(01:06:39):
and shit, so just remember threefucking C's, bro.
Cool, calm, and collected.
Cool, calm, and collected.
If you feel like you're gonnablow up, just walk away.
Bite your tongue.
Think, okay, what the fuck isabout to happen?
What am I about to do?
Consequences.
Consequences.
Exactly.
Just walk away, bro.
That's shit.
I do that with my wife all thetime.

(01:07:01):
She starts going, I'm like,peace.
Just walk out.
I'd rather not say anything.
They say something I'm going toregret or do something I'm going
to regret.
You know what I'm saying?
I, cause I, that's explosiveanger.
I used to punch walls, fuckingpunch windows, throw shit.
I was bad back then, bro.
I've come a good fucking ways,man.

(01:07:24):
Swap away bro.
If that's if at least, startthere, but develop a game plan,
man.
Don't just be like, I can, likewe know you can call your
counselor, but what is your planof action to start to get
better?
Cause eventually you're going tohave grandbabies, I know your
kids are still young, buteventually, that's one of my

(01:07:44):
dreams is to be able to have mygrandchildren, Thanksgiving,
Christmas, that is one of mydreams.
As a parent and hopefully oneday a grandfather.
So you gotta, your kids stillneed you, brother.
They're still gonna, I know.
so start plan of action.
Reach out, stay busy.
That's the only thing I can Ican tell you personally, I've

(01:08:04):
worked for me, man.
I, we have the painting company.
We're involved with ambits.
We run a fucking operation,veterans Paint Project.
Fucking, we have this podcast,we, we just stay fucking busy,
bro.
We don't stop.
That's.
One thing is like we've beenthrough so much.
So this part is I'm gonna sayit's easy, but it's doable.

(01:08:25):
You step by step.
Just get it going.
It's hard.
It's gonna suck.
You're gonna be in positions youdon't want to be sometimes, but
you have to do you have to bethere.
Like nothing said part of hisold job.
Part of now is part of my oldjob too, I had to deal with
people all day as well, so youhave to talk to them.

(01:08:45):
I know, I didn't want to talk tono one as well.
Make yourself, try to makeyourself do comfortable shit,
bro.
To get better for your kids.
Go to Walmart by yourself, don'ttell anybody.
Just fucking go.
Go all the way, walk all the wayin the back, grab a fucking
gallon of milk, carton of eggs.

(01:09:05):
Come back and that's it.
Baby steps, bro.
Fucking baby steps.
You know what I'm saying?
I said, it doesn't mean walk inWalmart, all the aisles, just go
get what you get and boom, getout and you'll see how you'll
start to develop.
I don't want to say trust.
Obviously you don't trustanybody, but you start seeing

(01:09:26):
little by little that you can dothese things.
You don't have to be angry.
You can actually function.
You got this brother.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm gonna try.
I'm still here.
I'm trying, that's right.
That's one thing like I'm, Ijust went on a fishing trip and

(01:09:46):
stuff with my son and I, I thinkabout how, if I would have,
those pills would have worked,the way I wanted them to at that
time, then I wouldn't have justgot, just a few weeks ago, gone
on that fishing trip with myson, that's right.
There you go.
And those are memories thatyou're gonna continue to build,
bro.
And that, that you're gonna havea positive impact on your

(01:10:07):
children, brother.
You know what I'm saying?
So that's good shit.
I'm happy you did that.
All right, brother I want tothank you.
It takes some balls to come onhere and talk about this shit,
bro So I want to thank you fordoing this, and also Anybody
listening going through sometough shit?
There's a hotline that 10 oldertalked about it's a you dial 988

(01:10:30):
and then you press one.
I've never called But if it getsdown to that, call somebody,
call that hotline, call yourbattle buddies, probably the
most effective thing you can do,but seek him and get better.
I agree.
Alrighty.
What's up?

(01:10:51):
I said thank you guys.
Our pleasure, brother.
Thank you.
So this concludes our fuckingcombat.
Mike thank you guys forlistening and hopefully, we make
a difference.
And until next time, love youbrother.
Love you too.
Thank you guys.
All right.
Peace out.

(01:11:17):
Suscribe, homie! Come back,Mike!