February 2, 2023 • 22 mins
Ralph Guerra pulled up a chair to the Comedy Roundtable after during a wild weekend of sold out shows at the Punchline Comedy Club touring with Samuel Comroe. We were able to pull him from the long after show merch line to sit down and chat about show topics Ghosting and Ways to Decline. We learned all about whether he would purchase a black market street turtle, who he would haunt in the afterlife and proper etiquette to decline an invitation.
Ralph Guerra is a writer/comedian born and raised in Los Angeles, California. He wrote for the Comedy Central animated show, 'Triptank' for seasons one and two. He can be seen touring comedy clubs across the United States performing stand up comedy. He has starred in various short movies and sketches such as 'Knights of the Dead' and 'Alan The Dog.'
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/saveralphguerra/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@saveralphguerra
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:00):
Ladies and gentleman comedy roundtable coming up on
this episode,I would buy a Street Journal,
just for the off chance that itcould be a Teenage Mutant Ninja
one. If I felt in an old ladytear on my back while I'm having
intercourse, I think that'd beencouraging. I could do a
newspaper by we can split. Butwe should just look at the moon
in the stars and justwe'll do something crazy fun. Oh
(00:23):
my god.
I feel like those are the peoplethat are most in need of
technological advancements inthe way of jetpacks.
We have saved a chair for youour listener and we've also
saved a chair here at theroundtable for our guest this
evening. Ralph Pyrrha.
Brown Hey, we're here, man.
We're here. Set just finished.
(00:43):
You know, I like late shows lateshows are fun. It's a different
vibe than an Early Show. You geta little bit of a drug record a
little bit more of a livelycrowd. Yeah, they're great.
They're super fantastic.
shows up in tight all weekend.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right long merchline. Yes. Yes. A lot of people
stopping to say hello.
Yes. A lot of people sayinghello, Sam sold out of shirts.
(01:05):
And yeah, it's been great, man.
I mean, like the southernhospitality has
been great. Outside the club. Idid see bootleg shirts being
sold though. Yeah, they'll dothat. They'll do fine demand
once once they're sold out.
Oh, yeah. There's alreadyis it my imagination? Or have
the rules become completelyrelaxed? Outside professional
sporting events in the number ofpop up liquor stores?
(01:25):
Right? Yeah, crazy.
Yeah, but outside the sportingarenas in Atlanta. Actually, the
easiest place to get a babyturtle in Atlanta is outside one
of the sporting events, right.
I'm not sure why that's a thing.
But if you live in Atlanta,downtown sporting event, you're
gonna see people selling babyturtles.
Right? They're just trying tomake a teenage everyone's trying
to figure it out.
It's definitely a thing. Yeah. Ididn't know that. I'm not sure
(01:46):
where the algorithm said this isgonna be the match someone
coming out of a soccer orfootball basketball game looking
for?
I would say generally speaking,if you have someone offered to
sell you street reptile, right,that is probably a good deal.
Yeah, I agree. I would buy astreet turtle just for the off
chance that it could be aTeenage Mutant Ninja one. Right?
(02:06):
Well, oh, that'sa good point. I'd want to know,
so you want to buy itunderground? Right? You want to
get that from like AB within thesewers, right? If your feet
itselfis so much pizza, right? And
then just hopefully it turnsinto turns into something went
into teenager. Yeah. And then Ican name it after a famous
artist. But a newer one like aBanksy. Right.
That's when they do the rebrand.
Reboot.
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. It would belike a great superhero. But it
(02:28):
would just never really show uplike, you
know, would never show up. Oh,yeah. Never see him. You'd
always be running. Yeah,thanks. He really would have
saved this moment if Banksy washere, but Banksy is not here. So
yeah, I'm fascinated at thespeed with which graffiti
artists work. Speaking ofBanksy, right, that there are
some people who are not afraidof heights because they're often
(02:50):
on the back side of highway orfreeway signs right? Or bridges,
and they somehow get up there.
Yeah. I feel like those are thepeople that are most in need of
technological advancements inthe way of jetpacks.
Right? Yeah, right. It Yeah, ittakes me 45 minutes just to get
out of bed. Right, let alone getup on a freeway overpass.
I mean, I'm assuming it got tocarry multiple cans. Yes. Right.
(03:13):
So you got backpack? knapsack,something? Yes. You've had to
draw up the design in your mind.
You have to have a spotterbecause I'm working close. I
can't like step away three feetto see the backside of sign. I
think theone thing that would ensure that
I'm going to stay in bed andsnooze is if I think my options
today are to snooze and stay inbed or go graffiti. Not that I'm
(03:35):
against graffiti. It's whatyou're saying.
We're seeing it live. Have youever seen anybody doing actual
graffiti live?
I promise not at all.
But I've seen one person do it.
My my buddy in high school andhe was he was he had his own
thing. His name was Mesmer.
Griffey graffiti, his name andall that Oh, okay. Yeah.
(03:58):
Literally when he graffiti toyour building. You had been
mesmerized?
Yes. Yeah, I think that's whereit took him. I like to see. But
yeah, so but I'venever seen it. Like I have all
the things in life. I have neverseen real graffiti being made.
Right. Not community project ofa mural.
Yeah, graffiti artists and womenfarting. You just never see it.
(04:20):
It's just kind of a it's a lostart.
Do you think and we've taken alot of tangents here to start
this episode. But do you thinkthat women farting it? It's
really just happening all aroundus. But they figured out a way
to do it that it's like I thinkthat's
what book clubs are for. They doI don't think anyone read a
book. I think it's just theyjust are letting loose. They all
by the Joy Luck Club and thenthey just look at each other's
(04:40):
eyes and they just reckon let itrip.
Let it rip. Alright, so what wedo on this year's show, is we do
lightning rounds of questions.
So I'm going to read you thetopics right? You're just
choosing them one at a time.
Okay, but you get to pick theyare ghosting ways to dig line,
(05:01):
okay, or pitchforks.
I'm going to do ghosting.
All right ghosting here on thecomedy round table with our
guests this evening asking thefirst question is Jamie,
actually we're both Jamie's thatJamie. Yeah.
Alright, so who do you want tohaunt when you're in your
afterlife?
I would like to haunt the personwho I lost my virginity to.
(05:24):
Oh, it was that bad? No, Ijust want to be like, Was it
that bad? Or was were they allthat bad? Like mine? Oh, you're
not crying with him. I likewhoever I want to cry on whoever
she's with. I want to I wantthem to feel ghost here on the
back of their shoulder and belike, What the fuck was that?
Like? I don't know. It'd belike, oh, yeah, sorry, my, my ex
who I took his virginity. Hecries on people that are on too.
(05:48):
So would she be able to see yourghost? But I think there's I
think there's a caspersituation, but he would not he
wouldn't know. So she wouldknow. I feel like if I feel like
whoever had sex with me will beable to see who I am. But
whoever has it won't. So I feellike I I would just I would just
hide the women. I would hauntthe four women that had sex with
(06:08):
me in my life. And I would justgo back and forth.
So if you had the choice, rightto be eternal ghost buddies,
with other romantic partnershave your exes Right? Or be
friends with them in real life?
I think ghosts buddies Yeah, Idon't I don't give I don't care
(06:29):
about these guys. I feel like inmy head every guy that's had sex
with a girl that I've had sexwith has a lifted truck and I
feel like I wouldn't get alongwith them. But maybe in the act
of they're all super cool. It'dbe like oh my god I mean maybe
they are dude but like she hasgreat taste. Oh, here's the
thing I know her and they shedoesn't it's not no no it's
lifted trucks guys Yeah, it's alot of it's not even lifted
(06:52):
trucks it's lifted trucks andtruck nut people guys with
lifted trucks and Truck Nuts sodragging or hanging just just
below the truckyeah by the truck is
lifted yeah gotta keep the nutsoff the
ground and that's off the groundwell
as they aged as a dropper doesit it I think they
I think by every year that theyeah once it goes out of
warranty they dropped the nutyeah the nuts of the truck.
(07:12):
Yeah,it's a sensor Yeah, it's a it's
is there's a lot of once itonce it started touching the
ground. That's a you know, youbuy a new truck.
new truck. Time for new trucktime for new tires.
Yeah, right. You go. Yeah, thatoh, gotta go take your old to
common. Old Yeller. And I justlike the idea that you can have
a ghost buddy. Yeah. Be like,that'd be kind of fun.
So maybe that's how you getthrough the afterlife, because
(07:35):
you're stuck being a ghost. Andso they give you buddies? Yeah,
so let me ask you this. Do youbelieve we're gonna get to your
question here in a minute,Jamie, but do you believe that
you could be a ghost in theafterlife?
I do. Yes. Okay,so are you worried that you'd be
stuck wherever you meet yourfinal demise like Do you ever
feel like I should not be inthis place right now? Because if
I died this is where I'd bestuck as a ghost.
(07:57):
No, I think I you know, I thinkI'm a free roaming ghost. I
would I would like to imaginethat I kind of have like ghost
on the go Yeah, I could like youknow hop on a spirit airline
ghost. I feel like I feel likeghosts could ghosts can fly on
any spirit airline flight.
That's why they call it spiritSpirit Airlines. So you get to
you get to hang out with likethe really like, we can't tell
you that so you get to hang outa lot of yes, it's haunted. You
(08:18):
get to hang out the bottom withall the dead French Bulldogs
because they don't know how tohandle pets. No, then you go and
you just travel around and thenokay, I guess I'm going to
Jacksonville today. And then youknow, you just hang out there.
Janesville?
Yeah. Okay. ghosting? Yes. Is aterm that's usually applied to
when you disappear fromsomeone's life. Yes. It seems
(08:41):
like it's the opposite of theconcept of a ghost. Right?
Right. Ghost means I stickaround, stick around and you
can't get rid of me. I have ahaunting you. Opposite of how we
use the phrase. Ghost it right.
If you were a ghost, right. Andyou ghosted somebody. What is
that called?
(09:02):
That's called? I think a fallenangel. I think that's what
gefallen I think you fallen?
Yeah. I think it's it's likeghost squared. Yeah. Yeah, I
think I think it bring, MANYeah. That's
maybe how you come back to life.
Because if you if you're aghost, and then you're a
negative ghost, right, you'veleft so you get back. So it goes
times negative or negative timesnegative. Yeah, I think the math
(09:24):
works out positive.
So you're back to life.
Oh, that's me. Come back. Youreincarnated. Yeah, so whenever
total every year, one of mygoals buddies reincarnated me.
Alright, so if you're a ghost,and then you hook up with this
check, and then she's like, Ireally had a great time. I would
love to see you again. And thenyou go, sir, that's how you come
back to life. It's like, it'slike Buddhism.
(09:46):
Yeah. But then you come back asa street turtle. That's. Yeah,
if I ever get a turtle, I don'thave a turtle. But if I got a
turtle, I'm gonna say that I gotI just bought it off again on
the street.
Yeah, that's where you get it.
We're also going to see theTurtle,
turtle shop. Where are those inevery strip mall in America?
That's smart or Petco it'sthere's always turtles in there
(10:07):
now.
They sell in the back of stripclubs. Yeah,
street turtle. Got me a streetturtle dude, I'm going to sewer
is awesome. Yeah, I've got asewer with a skimmer. Actually,
I think from this table that'snext to us. At least one of
these guys. Next to us knowswhere to get street turtles.
Yeah, that's like a good I thinkthey sell Molly.
You gotta have a street turtleguy. Oh, you got your shell
rose. I think they're more Mollysalesmen. They know for sure we
(10:30):
can get those.
Well, they start with us withthe street turtle. Yes. To kind
of gauge where we are. Are youcool?
Yeah, usually you're like I likea 12 year old can I get a street
turtle and then once you likethey're like okay, once you get
to college, like really I Somaliturtle thing was just a real un.
So that'll be the end of ourfirst segment here at The comedy
round table we will be back withmore just after it's
(10:57):
got into my Uber I'm makingsmall talk with my Uber driver
because I'm a dumbass right I'mjust like looking out the window
and just like wow, there's a lotof trees in Birmingham Alabama.
And my Uber driver was likedon't go it goes was going over
(11:18):
terrified notes even moreterrifying my Eber driver was a
19 year old white girl namedHaley okay
i love that shirt sir. Oh myGod. We need to talk about it we
need to talk about it so there'sno fucking chance you don't have
cocaine onmy god Sir You look like if
(11:44):
cocaine was wished to live likeif someone wanted to come here
and take cocaine three times youwent who wants to do Akiba oh my
god sir. Do you guys worktogether for sure. Freelance.
(12:10):
Oh, so you sell drugs?
Freelance then you just if wesell enough buck and Wally.
(12:35):
Back with comedy roundtablehaving an enjoyable conversation
here about street reptiles andother exciting things. Did you
have your question? Ready forthe next segment? Jamie? Always
ready. Don't ask me that Adam ismissing with us this evening. We
are always disappointed whenhe's unable to join us. We know
that. When there's anotherfellow who usually is with us.
(12:56):
Ralph has been with us all.
We had our wishes atJamie. I know. Jamie Foxx, where
are you next?
I'm going to be in LA for a fewweeks. And then I'm going to
Ohio, Ohio. Oh, hi. Oh, hi.
Oh, people want to see livewhere they're going to find your
tour dates.
Honestly, find me on Instagram.
Save around Gara. And I postedmy URL there and then you can
(13:20):
follow me there and keep movingkeep grinding. Absolutely.
So culture. Yeah.
All right. We have remainingtopics are ways to decline or
pitchforks. I'm gonna go wastedtwo ways to decline starting
with Jamie.
Alright, so you are at acrosswalk? Yes. And an elderly
woman asks you for help to crossthe street. Yes. But you are a
(13:42):
busy guy. And you do not havetime. Right. How do you let her
down? Easy. How do you tell her?
No, ma'am. An elderly woman?
elderly woman busy street.
Right. Really busy street.
I go. Hey, I really need to seethis episode of Emily and Paris.
Oh, yeah. Let's understand. Iget out of here. Yeah. And I
hope that she would understandwhat like good TV is.
(14:04):
Yeah. I mean, if you had givenlike a Prime Video type show,
she would have been pissed,right? But no, Emily employers?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Or I would go listen,I know your grandson. And I just
really would like to hang outwith them. And I wish I could
help you, but I like them a lotmore than I'd like you as a
person. Because I don't knowyou.
(14:24):
Okay, so he's, he's your friend.
Right? So you're actually hopingthat she gets hit by a car. She
gets hit by a car. He may be upfor an inheritance. Right? He
gets a bunch of money. Yes. Hetakes a big trip to Vegas.
Right. He brings you along. Yes.
So you're you're sort of anglingfor that trip to Vegas by
telling her no.
Yes, absolutely. Here's thething, man, if she gets hit by a
(14:44):
car, do you take the purse? Youshouldn't. You shouldn't should.
What do you shouldn't? Shouldn'tshouldn't Yes, you should as a
man where it lands not sayingyou don't. You shouldn't
Shouldn't we know you shouldn'tshouldn't.
Right but if if the person landssix feet away from
if it lands What if the purseflies 30 feet in the air and it
(15:06):
catches your arm.
That's your and it looks like itjust flows there. Yeah,
especially if it goes with youroutfit.
I think that's when you do. Iknow you shouldn't. Right? But
then you do. Yeah,sometimes you should. Sometimes
you should behow you become a ghost. Yeah,
that's true. Right?
You could ghost. It's a you knowwhat, though? If you do, she's a
(15:28):
ghost. She is a girl. She'sgonna haunt you.
I know. You're okay with that.
So here's my question. I'll takethe gamble. Every time you are
having sex with a woman afterthat. You feel that tear? Oh,
no. And it's like, it's an oldwoman. Yeah,
I oh, woman here. I can feel theblue necklace from the woman
that threw it on the Titanic. Icould feel the weight of that on
(15:50):
my back. Right. You know, Ithink I think it'd be kind of
encouraging what? Yeah, if Ifelt in an old lady tear on my
back while I'm havingintercourse. I think that'd be
encouraging. I think I wouldneed that I'm a cancer too. So I
feel like I need okay.
My sensitive Alright, ways todecline.
Did you want us to stop talkingabout me ma?
I assume Jordan, you shouldn'ttalk. You should not. Alright,
(16:12):
ways to decline. This is a twopart question. First question
about ways to decline is perhapsthe top two adjectives
associated with decline arerespectfully Okay. decline,
right, regretfully decline? Whatare adjectives that are better
(16:39):
associated and could be usedwith decline? sorrowfully? That
word sorrow? Sorrow? Yeah.
Sorry. sorrowfully decline.
Yeah. Kindof like intentionally.
Intentionally is fantastic. Yes.
Intentionally. Decline.
I, unfortunately, will have tointentionally decline.
(17:00):
Yes. I love that. Yes.
I so want to decline. Like, I'mgoing to do it because of how
much I want to decline it. Yeah.
Yeah. I will. Extremely decline.
I will. I want to do a 360. Anddecline. Yeah. Yeah.
I will happily decline. Yeah,happily. decline is great. In
fact, thankyou don't say that enough.
(17:22):
I will enthusiastically decline.
Yeah. All right. Part Two. Yep.
Have you had an experience inyour life where you have had a
debit or credit card declined?
Yes. And did you have a guessthat it was going to decline?
Oh, yeah. And yes. When in thatmoment, is it an improv
(17:42):
exercise?
Wow, I had a moment recently.
Basically, I work off threecards, third rotation, three
cards. Two of them. Two of themare credit. One of them's a
debit. I like to roll with thecredit cards, both of the credit
cards I upgraded them whatever,or one of them I upgraded the
(18:03):
other one I left at home and sothe one that I had was no longer
in use. I was on a very I was ata fancy date with this this
woman I was bawling I was I havethis this is totally fine.
Right? And thenafter you got me mom's purse Oh,
exactly. money like crazy.
Absolutely. Did youat some point in the middle
excuse yourself to go to therestroom to call customer
(18:24):
service? Oh, no.
I didn't I didn't know what wasgoing to happen because the debt
I the debit card. I knew therewas nothing in there. I know I
keep I barely keep anything inthere. I keep everything in
another account. And then I haveto bring it over. Once the bill
came as I got this. And then Irealized the card that I wanted
to use gone nowhere to see theGod who left it at home. The
(18:48):
other one I realized, oh no, Ialready this one is no longer
valid. And now like I have thisfucking shit debit card with I
don't know how much is in it.
Probably nothing, because I haveto be confident on the date. So
I just set the debit card andsend it over and go ahead and
take this. And then I was like,excuse me real quick. And then I
went over like while they'rerunning it. And this person
(19:09):
already was just like, Oh, youdon't have to like you know,
let's split it. No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no. I were at a
tapas restaurant. All right, Ineed to split it but I need like
maybe 27% of it. Yeah.
So I could see the the thewaiters and waitresses being
like there's not money on thiscard. I could see that as a
(19:30):
huddle were squeezed out ofbars. There was a huddle at the
register. This guy is soconfident and it's a very cute
date. Right? We need to help uswant to root for him. I ran over
for somehow. I had $100 billfrom leftover merch, leftover
merch Yeah, tucked away and nowit's just like cutting cash
first and they're like,absolutely. We actually ran the
(19:51):
card and it basically left uswith you at a balance of about
$90 $90 to whatever. So then Iwas like, perfect. And then
here's your money. And then Iwas like, I'm in my I'm
financially in shambles at themoment. And that happened and I
went back to the table likenothing happened. And then she's
like, why are you sweating somuch? I'm like, don't worry
(20:12):
about it. What do you Taunton?
The men's room?
What did he just do to pay thisbill? Yeah. And then she's like,
do you want to get ice creamafter? And I said, I'm not you
know, I'm lactose intolerant. Idon't really need ice cream.
We probably should stop spendingmoney tonight. Yeah,
I think we should just we shouldjust look at the moon.
Yeah, let's go.
I will buy you a newspaper.
Yeah,I could do a newspaper by we can
split a pack of gum. But yeah,we should just look at the moon
(20:34):
in the stars and just beatwe'll do something crazy and fun
spot.
Oh my god. This is too much.
How creative oh my god, howcreative is this guy? All right,
we are close to our time limithere on this episode. Final
Thoughts questions or concerns?
You know, this was thoughtprovoking. I'm really going to
think about when I die who Iwant to hot and where do I want
(20:55):
my ghost here's to fall you gotgoes buddies to look forward to
Yeah, that's I'm kind ofexcited. News. This isn't new
age Buddhism. I'm telling youguys like follow this. Oh, this
Yeah,right. When we say follow us
Yeah. We're talking about in amore of a religious way. Not
Yeah. Pushing follow.
This is a cult podcast.
There is no behind it. Thinkabout all the movies that they
could do differently of that areghost buddy films. Yes. You
(21:19):
could like the buddy cop film.
Yeah, it's like ghost heart.
Yeah, dead terrorists beingchased by dead cops.
I need your gun in your badgeand your soul on my desk right
now. Lewinsky. Lewis LewinskyAll right, that's as good as
continued success. I know we'vegot the 10 o'clock show merch
(21:39):
line for you to get into here atthe punch line comedy club in it
for Jamie and Jamie and I'mmissing Adam. This is the comedy
around him. Put your chair backwhere you found it. We'll see
you next episode. Bye bye.
Ladies and gentleman comedy roundtable coming up on
this episode,I would buy a Street Journal,
just for the off chance that itcould be a Teenage Mutant Ninja
one. If I felt in an old ladytear on my back while I'm having
intercourse, I think that'd beencouraging. I could do a
newspaper by we can split. Butwe should just look at the moon
in the stars and justwe'll do something crazy fun. Oh
(00:23):
my god.
I feel like those are the peoplethat are most in need of
technological advancements inthe way of jetpacks.
We have saved a chair for youour listener and we've also
saved a chair here at theroundtable for our guest this
evening. Ralph Pyrrha.
Brown Hey, we're here, man.
We're here. Set just finished.
(00:43):
You know, I like late shows lateshows are fun. It's a different
vibe than an Early Show. You geta little bit of a drug record a
little bit more of a livelycrowd. Yeah, they're great.
They're super fantastic.
shows up in tight all weekend.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right long merchline. Yes. Yes. A lot of people
stopping to say hello.
Yes. A lot of people sayinghello, Sam sold out of shirts.
(01:05):
And yeah, it's been great, man.
I mean, like the southernhospitality has
been great. Outside the club. Idid see bootleg shirts being
sold though. Yeah, they'll dothat. They'll do fine demand
once once they're sold out.
Oh, yeah. There's alreadyis it my imagination? Or have
the rules become completelyrelaxed? Outside professional
sporting events in the number ofpop up liquor stores?
(01:25):
Right? Yeah, crazy.
Yeah, but outside the sportingarenas in Atlanta. Actually, the
easiest place to get a babyturtle in Atlanta is outside one
of the sporting events, right.
I'm not sure why that's a thing.
But if you live in Atlanta,downtown sporting event, you're
gonna see people selling babyturtles.
Right? They're just trying tomake a teenage everyone's trying
to figure it out.
It's definitely a thing. Yeah. Ididn't know that. I'm not sure
(01:46):
where the algorithm said this isgonna be the match someone
coming out of a soccer orfootball basketball game looking
for?
I would say generally speaking,if you have someone offered to
sell you street reptile, right,that is probably a good deal.
Yeah, I agree. I would buy astreet turtle just for the off
chance that it could be aTeenage Mutant Ninja one. Right?
(02:06):
Well, oh, that'sa good point. I'd want to know,
so you want to buy itunderground? Right? You want to
get that from like AB within thesewers, right? If your feet
itselfis so much pizza, right? And
then just hopefully it turnsinto turns into something went
into teenager. Yeah. And then Ican name it after a famous
artist. But a newer one like aBanksy. Right.
That's when they do the rebrand.
Reboot.
Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. It would belike a great superhero. But it
(02:28):
would just never really show uplike, you
know, would never show up. Oh,yeah. Never see him. You'd
always be running. Yeah,thanks. He really would have
saved this moment if Banksy washere, but Banksy is not here. So
yeah, I'm fascinated at thespeed with which graffiti
artists work. Speaking ofBanksy, right, that there are
some people who are not afraidof heights because they're often
(02:50):
on the back side of highway orfreeway signs right? Or bridges,
and they somehow get up there.
Yeah. I feel like those are thepeople that are most in need of
technological advancements inthe way of jetpacks.
Right? Yeah, right. It Yeah, ittakes me 45 minutes just to get
out of bed. Right, let alone getup on a freeway overpass.
I mean, I'm assuming it got tocarry multiple cans. Yes. Right.
(03:13):
So you got backpack? knapsack,something? Yes. You've had to
draw up the design in your mind.
You have to have a spotterbecause I'm working close. I
can't like step away three feetto see the backside of sign. I
think theone thing that would ensure that
I'm going to stay in bed andsnooze is if I think my options
today are to snooze and stay inbed or go graffiti. Not that I'm
(03:35):
against graffiti. It's whatyou're saying.
We're seeing it live. Have youever seen anybody doing actual
graffiti live?
I promise not at all.
But I've seen one person do it.
My my buddy in high school andhe was he was he had his own
thing. His name was Mesmer.
Griffey graffiti, his name andall that Oh, okay. Yeah.
(03:58):
Literally when he graffiti toyour building. You had been
mesmerized?
Yes. Yeah, I think that's whereit took him. I like to see. But
yeah, so but I'venever seen it. Like I have all
the things in life. I have neverseen real graffiti being made.
Right. Not community project ofa mural.
Yeah, graffiti artists and womenfarting. You just never see it.
(04:20):
It's just kind of a it's a lostart.
Do you think and we've taken alot of tangents here to start
this episode. But do you thinkthat women farting it? It's
really just happening all aroundus. But they figured out a way
to do it that it's like I thinkthat's
what book clubs are for. They doI don't think anyone read a
book. I think it's just theyjust are letting loose. They all
by the Joy Luck Club and thenthey just look at each other's
(04:40):
eyes and they just reckon let itrip.
Let it rip. Alright, so what wedo on this year's show, is we do
lightning rounds of questions.
So I'm going to read you thetopics right? You're just
choosing them one at a time.
Okay, but you get to pick theyare ghosting ways to dig line,
(05:01):
okay, or pitchforks.
I'm going to do ghosting.
All right ghosting here on thecomedy round table with our
guests this evening asking thefirst question is Jamie,
actually we're both Jamie's thatJamie. Yeah.
Alright, so who do you want tohaunt when you're in your
afterlife?
I would like to haunt the personwho I lost my virginity to.
(05:24):
Oh, it was that bad? No, Ijust want to be like, Was it
that bad? Or was were they allthat bad? Like mine? Oh, you're
not crying with him. I likewhoever I want to cry on whoever
she's with. I want to I wantthem to feel ghost here on the
back of their shoulder and belike, What the fuck was that?
Like? I don't know. It'd belike, oh, yeah, sorry, my, my ex
who I took his virginity. Hecries on people that are on too.
(05:48):
So would she be able to see yourghost? But I think there's I
think there's a caspersituation, but he would not he
wouldn't know. So she wouldknow. I feel like if I feel like
whoever had sex with me will beable to see who I am. But
whoever has it won't. So I feellike I I would just I would just
hide the women. I would hauntthe four women that had sex with
(06:08):
me in my life. And I would justgo back and forth.
So if you had the choice, rightto be eternal ghost buddies,
with other romantic partnershave your exes Right? Or be
friends with them in real life?
I think ghosts buddies Yeah, Idon't I don't give I don't care
(06:29):
about these guys. I feel like inmy head every guy that's had sex
with a girl that I've had sexwith has a lifted truck and I
feel like I wouldn't get alongwith them. But maybe in the act
of they're all super cool. It'dbe like oh my god I mean maybe
they are dude but like she hasgreat taste. Oh, here's the
thing I know her and they shedoesn't it's not no no it's
lifted trucks guys Yeah, it's alot of it's not even lifted
(06:52):
trucks it's lifted trucks andtruck nut people guys with
lifted trucks and Truck Nuts sodragging or hanging just just
below the truckyeah by the truck is
lifted yeah gotta keep the nutsoff the
ground and that's off the groundwell
as they aged as a dropper doesit it I think they
I think by every year that theyeah once it goes out of
warranty they dropped the nutyeah the nuts of the truck.
(07:12):
Yeah,it's a sensor Yeah, it's a it's
is there's a lot of once itonce it started touching the
ground. That's a you know, youbuy a new truck.
new truck. Time for new trucktime for new tires.
Yeah, right. You go. Yeah, thatoh, gotta go take your old to
common. Old Yeller. And I justlike the idea that you can have
a ghost buddy. Yeah. Be like,that'd be kind of fun.
So maybe that's how you getthrough the afterlife, because
(07:35):
you're stuck being a ghost. Andso they give you buddies? Yeah,
so let me ask you this. Do youbelieve we're gonna get to your
question here in a minute,Jamie, but do you believe that
you could be a ghost in theafterlife?
I do. Yes. Okay,so are you worried that you'd be
stuck wherever you meet yourfinal demise like Do you ever
feel like I should not be inthis place right now? Because if
I died this is where I'd bestuck as a ghost.
(07:57):
No, I think I you know, I thinkI'm a free roaming ghost. I
would I would like to imaginethat I kind of have like ghost
on the go Yeah, I could like youknow hop on a spirit airline
ghost. I feel like I feel likeghosts could ghosts can fly on
any spirit airline flight.
That's why they call it spiritSpirit Airlines. So you get to
you get to hang out with likethe really like, we can't tell
you that so you get to hang outa lot of yes, it's haunted. You
(08:18):
get to hang out the bottom withall the dead French Bulldogs
because they don't know how tohandle pets. No, then you go and
you just travel around and thenokay, I guess I'm going to
Jacksonville today. And then youknow, you just hang out there.
Janesville?
Yeah. Okay. ghosting? Yes. Is aterm that's usually applied to
when you disappear fromsomeone's life. Yes. It seems
(08:41):
like it's the opposite of theconcept of a ghost. Right?
Right. Ghost means I stickaround, stick around and you
can't get rid of me. I have ahaunting you. Opposite of how we
use the phrase. Ghost it right.
If you were a ghost, right. Andyou ghosted somebody. What is
that called?
(09:02):
That's called? I think a fallenangel. I think that's what
gefallen I think you fallen?
Yeah. I think it's it's likeghost squared. Yeah. Yeah, I
think I think it bring, MANYeah. That's
maybe how you come back to life.
Because if you if you're aghost, and then you're a
negative ghost, right, you'veleft so you get back. So it goes
times negative or negative timesnegative. Yeah, I think the math
(09:24):
works out positive.
So you're back to life.
Oh, that's me. Come back. Youreincarnated. Yeah, so whenever
total every year, one of mygoals buddies reincarnated me.
Alright, so if you're a ghost,and then you hook up with this
check, and then she's like, Ireally had a great time. I would
love to see you again. And thenyou go, sir, that's how you come
back to life. It's like, it'slike Buddhism.
(09:46):
Yeah. But then you come back asa street turtle. That's. Yeah,
if I ever get a turtle, I don'thave a turtle. But if I got a
turtle, I'm gonna say that I gotI just bought it off again on
the street.
Yeah, that's where you get it.
We're also going to see theTurtle,
turtle shop. Where are those inevery strip mall in America?
That's smart or Petco it'sthere's always turtles in there
(10:07):
now.
They sell in the back of stripclubs. Yeah,
street turtle. Got me a streetturtle dude, I'm going to sewer
is awesome. Yeah, I've got asewer with a skimmer. Actually,
I think from this table that'snext to us. At least one of
these guys. Next to us knowswhere to get street turtles.
Yeah, that's like a good I thinkthey sell Molly.
You gotta have a street turtleguy. Oh, you got your shell
rose. I think they're more Mollysalesmen. They know for sure we
(10:30):
can get those.
Well, they start with us withthe street turtle. Yes. To kind
of gauge where we are. Are youcool?
Yeah, usually you're like I likea 12 year old can I get a street
turtle and then once you likethey're like okay, once you get
to college, like really I Somaliturtle thing was just a real un.
So that'll be the end of ourfirst segment here at The comedy
round table we will be back withmore just after it's
(10:57):
got into my Uber I'm makingsmall talk with my Uber driver
because I'm a dumbass right I'mjust like looking out the window
and just like wow, there's a lotof trees in Birmingham Alabama.
And my Uber driver was likedon't go it goes was going over
(11:18):
terrified notes even moreterrifying my Eber driver was a
19 year old white girl namedHaley okay
i love that shirt sir. Oh myGod. We need to talk about it we
need to talk about it so there'sno fucking chance you don't have
cocaine onmy god Sir You look like if
(11:44):
cocaine was wished to live likeif someone wanted to come here
and take cocaine three times youwent who wants to do Akiba oh my
god sir. Do you guys worktogether for sure. Freelance.
(12:10):
Oh, so you sell drugs?
Freelance then you just if wesell enough buck and Wally.
(12:35):
Back with comedy roundtablehaving an enjoyable conversation
here about street reptiles andother exciting things. Did you
have your question? Ready forthe next segment? Jamie? Always
ready. Don't ask me that Adam ismissing with us this evening. We
are always disappointed whenhe's unable to join us. We know
that. When there's anotherfellow who usually is with us.
(12:56):
Ralph has been with us all.
We had our wishes atJamie. I know. Jamie Foxx, where
are you next?
I'm going to be in LA for a fewweeks. And then I'm going to
Ohio, Ohio. Oh, hi. Oh, hi.
Oh, people want to see livewhere they're going to find your
tour dates.
Honestly, find me on Instagram.
Save around Gara. And I postedmy URL there and then you can
(13:20):
follow me there and keep movingkeep grinding. Absolutely.
So culture. Yeah.
All right. We have remainingtopics are ways to decline or
pitchforks. I'm gonna go wastedtwo ways to decline starting
with Jamie.
Alright, so you are at acrosswalk? Yes. And an elderly
woman asks you for help to crossthe street. Yes. But you are a
(13:42):
busy guy. And you do not havetime. Right. How do you let her
down? Easy. How do you tell her?
No, ma'am. An elderly woman?
elderly woman busy street.
Right. Really busy street.
I go. Hey, I really need to seethis episode of Emily and Paris.
Oh, yeah. Let's understand. Iget out of here. Yeah. And I
hope that she would understandwhat like good TV is.
(14:04):
Yeah. I mean, if you had givenlike a Prime Video type show,
she would have been pissed,right? But no, Emily employers?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Or I would go listen,I know your grandson. And I just
really would like to hang outwith them. And I wish I could
help you, but I like them a lotmore than I'd like you as a
person. Because I don't knowyou.
(14:24):
Okay, so he's, he's your friend.
Right? So you're actually hopingthat she gets hit by a car. She
gets hit by a car. He may be upfor an inheritance. Right? He
gets a bunch of money. Yes. Hetakes a big trip to Vegas.
Right. He brings you along. Yes.
So you're you're sort of anglingfor that trip to Vegas by
telling her no.
Yes, absolutely. Here's thething, man, if she gets hit by a
(14:44):
car, do you take the purse? Youshouldn't. You shouldn't should.
What do you shouldn't? Shouldn'tshouldn't Yes, you should as a
man where it lands not sayingyou don't. You shouldn't
Shouldn't we know you shouldn'tshouldn't.
Right but if if the person landssix feet away from
if it lands What if the purseflies 30 feet in the air and it
(15:06):
catches your arm.
That's your and it looks like itjust flows there. Yeah,
especially if it goes with youroutfit.
I think that's when you do. Iknow you shouldn't. Right? But
then you do. Yeah,sometimes you should. Sometimes
you should behow you become a ghost. Yeah,
that's true. Right?
You could ghost. It's a you knowwhat, though? If you do, she's a
(15:28):
ghost. She is a girl. She'sgonna haunt you.
I know. You're okay with that.
So here's my question. I'll takethe gamble. Every time you are
having sex with a woman afterthat. You feel that tear? Oh,
no. And it's like, it's an oldwoman. Yeah,
I oh, woman here. I can feel theblue necklace from the woman
that threw it on the Titanic. Icould feel the weight of that on
(15:50):
my back. Right. You know, Ithink I think it'd be kind of
encouraging what? Yeah, if Ifelt in an old lady tear on my
back while I'm havingintercourse. I think that'd be
encouraging. I think I wouldneed that I'm a cancer too. So I
feel like I need okay.
My sensitive Alright, ways todecline.
Did you want us to stop talkingabout me ma?
I assume Jordan, you shouldn'ttalk. You should not. Alright,
(16:12):
ways to decline. This is a twopart question. First question
about ways to decline is perhapsthe top two adjectives
associated with decline arerespectfully Okay. decline,
right, regretfully decline? Whatare adjectives that are better
(16:39):
associated and could be usedwith decline? sorrowfully? That
word sorrow? Sorrow? Yeah.
Sorry. sorrowfully decline.
Yeah. Kindof like intentionally.
Intentionally is fantastic. Yes.
Intentionally. Decline.
I, unfortunately, will have tointentionally decline.
(17:00):
Yes. I love that. Yes.
I so want to decline. Like, I'mgoing to do it because of how
much I want to decline it. Yeah.
Yeah. I will. Extremely decline.
I will. I want to do a 360. Anddecline. Yeah. Yeah.
I will happily decline. Yeah,happily. decline is great. In
fact, thankyou don't say that enough.
(17:22):
I will enthusiastically decline.
Yeah. All right. Part Two. Yep.
Have you had an experience inyour life where you have had a
debit or credit card declined?
Yes. And did you have a guessthat it was going to decline?
Oh, yeah. And yes. When in thatmoment, is it an improv
(17:42):
exercise?
Wow, I had a moment recently.
Basically, I work off threecards, third rotation, three
cards. Two of them. Two of themare credit. One of them's a
debit. I like to roll with thecredit cards, both of the credit
cards I upgraded them whatever,or one of them I upgraded the
(18:03):
other one I left at home and sothe one that I had was no longer
in use. I was on a very I was ata fancy date with this this
woman I was bawling I was I havethis this is totally fine.
Right? And thenafter you got me mom's purse Oh,
exactly. money like crazy.
Absolutely. Did youat some point in the middle
excuse yourself to go to therestroom to call customer
(18:24):
service? Oh, no.
I didn't I didn't know what wasgoing to happen because the debt
I the debit card. I knew therewas nothing in there. I know I
keep I barely keep anything inthere. I keep everything in
another account. And then I haveto bring it over. Once the bill
came as I got this. And then Irealized the card that I wanted
to use gone nowhere to see theGod who left it at home. The
(18:48):
other one I realized, oh no, Ialready this one is no longer
valid. And now like I have thisfucking shit debit card with I
don't know how much is in it.
Probably nothing, because I haveto be confident on the date. So
I just set the debit card andsend it over and go ahead and
take this. And then I was like,excuse me real quick. And then I
went over like while they'rerunning it. And this person
(19:09):
already was just like, Oh, youdon't have to like you know,
let's split it. No, no, no, no,no, no, no, no. I were at a
tapas restaurant. All right, Ineed to split it but I need like
maybe 27% of it. Yeah.
So I could see the the thewaiters and waitresses being
like there's not money on thiscard. I could see that as a
(19:30):
huddle were squeezed out ofbars. There was a huddle at the
register. This guy is soconfident and it's a very cute
date. Right? We need to help uswant to root for him. I ran over
for somehow. I had $100 billfrom leftover merch, leftover
merch Yeah, tucked away and nowit's just like cutting cash
first and they're like,absolutely. We actually ran the
(19:51):
card and it basically left uswith you at a balance of about
$90 $90 to whatever. So then Iwas like, perfect. And then
here's your money. And then Iwas like, I'm in my I'm
financially in shambles at themoment. And that happened and I
went back to the table likenothing happened. And then she's
like, why are you sweating somuch? I'm like, don't worry
(20:12):
about it. What do you Taunton?
The men's room?
What did he just do to pay thisbill? Yeah. And then she's like,
do you want to get ice creamafter? And I said, I'm not you
know, I'm lactose intolerant. Idon't really need ice cream.
We probably should stop spendingmoney tonight. Yeah,
I think we should just we shouldjust look at the moon.
Yeah, let's go.
I will buy you a newspaper.
Yeah,I could do a newspaper by we can
split a pack of gum. But yeah,we should just look at the moon
(20:34):
in the stars and just beatwe'll do something crazy and fun
spot.
Oh my god. This is too much.
How creative oh my god, howcreative is this guy? All right,
we are close to our time limithere on this episode. Final
Thoughts questions or concerns?
You know, this was thoughtprovoking. I'm really going to
think about when I die who Iwant to hot and where do I want
(20:55):
my ghost here's to fall you gotgoes buddies to look forward to
Yeah, that's I'm kind ofexcited. News. This isn't new
age Buddhism. I'm telling youguys like follow this. Oh, this
Yeah,right. When we say follow us
Yeah. We're talking about in amore of a religious way. Not
Yeah. Pushing follow.
This is a cult podcast.
There is no behind it. Thinkabout all the movies that they
could do differently of that areghost buddy films. Yes. You
(21:19):
could like the buddy cop film.
Yeah, it's like ghost heart.
Yeah, dead terrorists beingchased by dead cops.
I need your gun in your badgeand your soul on my desk right
now. Lewinsky. Lewis LewinskyAll right, that's as good as
continued success. I know we'vegot the 10 o'clock show merch
(21:39):
line for you to get into here atthe punch line comedy club in it
for Jamie and Jamie and I'mmissing Adam. This is the comedy
around him. Put your chair backwhere you found it. We'll see
you next episode. Bye bye.
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