Beyond the Shoulds: Finding Peace in Imperfect Parenting

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Parenting guilt – that persistent voice whispering you're falling short – affects us all. Today, we're tackling this universal struggle head-on, examining where this guilt originates and why it's actually working against your parenting goals.

From the perfectly curated social media feeds making us feel inadequate to the impossible standards we set for ourselves, guilt has many sources. But as we discover throughout this episode, there's a crucial difference between productive guilt that spurs positive change and unproductive guilt that keeps us trapped in negative thought patterns. The key question for every parent: "Is this guilt helping me grow or just making me feel bad?"

Perfect parenting is a myth – "like unicorns and leprechauns," as I put it. Your children don't need perfection; they need connection. They'll remember how you made them feel, not whether dinner was homemade or the living room spotless. Through practical strategies like limiting social media comparisons, celebrating small wins, and giving yourself the same grace you'd offer a friend, you can break free from the guilt cycle.

When you mess up (and we all do), modeling proper apologies shows your children that mistakes are normal and fixable. By embracing your authentic, imperfect parenting journey, you're teaching resilience and self-compassion – lessons far more valuable than any illusion of perfection. Remember, you're doing better than you think, and your children love you even on your hardest days. Ready to shake off that guilt and parent with more confidence? This episode shows you how.

Want more parenting support? Leave a review to help other parents find this podcast, share with friends who might need these strategies, and connect with me on social media for ongoing conversation about the beautiful mess that is parenting.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle

(00:22):
parenting one common sense tipat a time.
Hey there, parents, welcomeback.
I'm Pam and today we aretackling a big topic parenting
guilt.
You know that voice in yourhead whispering you're not doing
enough or you could havehandled that better.

(00:42):
We've all been there, all of us, I promise you, and if you
haven't, you will.
But today I want to help youditch the guilt and parent with
confidence.
We'll talk about whereparenting guilt comes from, why
it's not helping you or yourchildren, and what to do instead
.
By the end of this episode, youwill have real strategies to

(01:05):
shake off that guilt.
Remember Taylor Swift?
Shake it off, shake it off I'mnot going to sing, you wouldn't
want to hear that To shake itoff and embrace the fact that
you are a good parent, even whenyou make mistakes.
So let's get into it.
Why do we, as parents, feelguilty?
You know you hear these voicesin your head saying I should be
more patient.

(01:26):
I just spend more time with mychildren.
I should cook healthier meals.
I should, I should, I should.
You're shoulding all overyourself.
If you've ever found yourselfin a loop of those shoulds, you
are not alone, I promise you.
Parenting guilt comes from a lotof places.
Let's talk about some of those,and I think you can guess

(01:48):
number one social media.
You know we see these highlightreels of these perfect moms and
dads.
You know, making us feel likewe're not measuring up.
But what I want to say to youis a lot of cases, what you're
seeing is not reality.
That's staged, that's scripted,that's performed.
It's not always reality.
And then, of course, we'regoing to talk about the

(02:09):
comparisons, because that's whatwe do when we see ourselves
looking at social media andcomparing to what we see, to how
we are.
And how about when you go totake your children to school?
You see another mom at theschool and you think, wow, she
really has everything together.
Or you read a parenting bookand it's easy to think that
you're doing things wrongbecause someone else is doing it

(02:31):
better than you.
Now let's talk about thoseunrealistic expectations.
We set impossible standards forourselves, and then we feel
guilty when we fall short.
And we're going to talk aboutthat.
How about past mistakes?
You know, maybe in the past youyelled too much.
Maybe last week you yelled toomuch or you weren't as patient
as you wanted to be, and thenyou replay those over and over

(02:55):
and over in your head.
How about external judgment?
Have you ever had a strangergive you the look when your
toddler throws a tantrum in thegrocery store?
Yep, I know that's bad enough,but that doesn't help either.
But here's the truth.
Guilt doesn't make you a betterparent.
If anything, it drains yourenergy and makes you second
guess yourself, which canactually make parenting harder.

(03:17):
So we're going to talk aboutthe mind shift that parents need
.
Guilt versus the growth.
Let's reframe guilt.
Instead of seeing it as proofthat you're failing, see it as a
sign that you care.
Guilt means you want to dobetter, which already makes you
a great parent.
You're recognizing that youwant to do better but instead of

(03:39):
letting it weigh you down, askyourself this question Is this
guilt productive or unproductive?
Productive guilt helps youreflect and make changes.
So you look at yourself, you go.
You know, I realize I've beendistracted lately.
So you set a goal to maybe putyour phone away before dinner

(03:59):
and spend time with yourchildren.
Definitely put it down duringdinner.
That's productive guilt.
Here's unproductive guilt, andit just keeps you stuck.
Here's an example You'rebeating yourself up for losing
your temper last night but notactually making a plan to handle
stress differently next time.
So you've just maybe yelled atyour children, but you haven't

(04:19):
reflected back and said okay,let's look at what happened.
What can I do to change it?
So the action step you need totake is, the next time you feel
guilty, pause and ask is this areal issue that I can fix?
That's number one.
Number two if yes, what's onesmall change I can make?
And three if no, can I let itgo?

(04:42):
This is problem solving.
Remember, we talk aboutteaching children.
Problem solving this is youproblem solving.
So let's talk about letting goof the perfect parent syndrome.
Let me just tell you perfectparents don't exist.
They're like unicorns andleprechauns and pots of gold at
the end of the rainbow.
They don't exist.
And trying to be a perfectparent is pointless because

(05:05):
you'll never get there.
And here's a news flash Noteven the ones who seem to have
it all together.
Have it all together.
They're just good at pretending.
Okay, think about your ownchildhood.
Did you think your parents wereperfect?
Probably not.
I mean you may have when youwere younger, but then, as you
got older, you realized theywere human.
They were parents that mademistakes, but did you feel loved

(05:29):
?
And if so, that's what mattered, not the perfection.
Your children don't need aperfect parent, they need a
present one.
So let me give you some tipshere.
It's okay if dinner is frozenpizza sometimes.
You'll all survive.
The world will not stopspinning on its axis.
It's okay if dinner is frozenpizza sometimes.
You'll all survive.
The world will not stopspinning on its axis.
It's okay if you take a breakand let your child watch TV for

(05:50):
a bit.
Sometimes you just need to havetime to yourself.
Now I will just put my two centsin here.
Make sure it's somethingeducational and don't make it go
on for hours and hours.
And if you need a moment toyourself, lock yourself in the
bathroom for five minutes.
Just tell them.
If the house is on fire orsomebody's bleeding and bones
are sticking out, call me.
Otherwise, leave me be.
That's what I used to tell mychildren all the time.

(06:13):
Perfect is impossible, butconsistent, loving and human.
That is what really matters.
Now here are some ways, somepractical ways for you to
overcome parenting guilt.
We're going to talk solutionshere, because we talked problems
before and the guilt, but nowwe're going into the problem
solving mode.
Here are some real, actionableways to ditch that guilt and

(06:35):
move forward.
Number one is limit socialmedia comparisons.
Unfollow those accounts thatmake you feel inadequate or
scroll past them.
Follow real, relatable parentsinstead.
I mean, look at the realparents who have the messy house
in the background or look likethey've not had a shower in a
few days and bags under theireyes because they're parenting.

(06:56):
Not that all parenting is likethat, but that's real, that's
raw.
That's what really parenting isabout.
Celebrate those small wins.
I mean ask at the end of theday, what did I do well today?
Even small things count, socelebrate those.
Give yourself grace.
I say this all the time.

(07:17):
You give your friend grace.
Well, give yourself grace.
If your best friend came to youand said she felt like a bad
mom, you'd encourage her, right,you'd go.
Oh no, it's okay, you just hada bad time.
You know it's okay.
There's always tomorrow.
You're a sweet, sweet mom.
You're a great mom.
Give yourself that samekindness and then focus on

(07:37):
connection, not perfection.
Your child is not going toremember whether the house was
spotless I mean, unless you're ahoarder and it really is a
horrendous mess.
They're not going to rememberthat.
They're going to remember howyou made them feel.
They're going to remember thetime you spent with them.
And I can remember we had fourchildren in our family when I
was growing up and I remember mymother saying I would much

(07:58):
rather spend time with mychildren playing than to have a
perfect house.
Now, was our house spotless allthe time?
No, it wasn't terribly messyeither.
My mother chose to spend hertime playing with her children
and connecting versus having aspotless house.
Accept the fact that you'regoing to make mistakes and that

(08:19):
is perfectly okay.
When you mess up, mottoapologizing.
I shouldn't have yelled earlier, I was frustrated, but that's
not how I want to talk to you.
I'm sorry.
So you can tell your childrenthat this teaches children that
mistakes are okay and we canalways make things right, or at
least try to.
So here's some final thoughtsand encouragement Parenting

(08:41):
guilt is not helping you.
Encouragement.
Parenting guilt is not helpingyou, but letting go of guilt.
That can make you a better,happier parent.
So remember you're doing betterthan you think.
Your kids love you even on yourworst parenting days, and
there's no perfect way to parent, just a way that works for your
family, and every family isdifferent.

(09:01):
Give yourself some grace today.
You deserve it.
Family and every family isdifferent.
Give yourself some grace today,you deserve it.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand, if you did, please leave a
review.
That helps other parents findus.
And if you have friends whoalso have children and could use
some parenting tips, feel freeto share this.
I'd really appreciate it andyou know, I'd love to hear from

(09:24):
you so you can always find me onmy socials.
And until then, remember, hugand love your babies.