July 15, 2025 • 12 mins
Disrespect from children isn't just about bad manners—it's often about children struggling with big emotions, lacking skills to express themselves, or testing boundaries. When children talk back or roll their eyes, our response determines whether the behavior becomes a pattern or remains a passing moment.
• Children often show disrespect due to frustration, feeling powerless, or lacking tools to express themselves
• Kids model behavior they've seen from adults, siblings, or media
• Testing limits is part of children's development at every age
• Matching their tone or attitude only reinforces disrespectful behavior
• Lecturing during emotional moments is ineffective; save teachable moments for later
• Simple, clear responses work best: "I don't speak to you that way and expect the same from you"
• Give children a chance to try again with respect
• The "mom look" or silence can be more powerful than words
• Walking away shows you won't engage with disrespect
• Model respectful speech even when frustrated
• Praise respectful behavior when you see it
• Role-play scenarios to practice respectful disagreement
• Create and post family rules around tone and language
• Use natural consequences rather than punishment
• Always circle back when everyone is calm to discuss better approaches
Check out my show on YouTube called the Pam Show on my channel, Pamela Palanza, and visit my website pamelapalanza.com for more parenting resources.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle
(00:25):
parenting one common sense tipat a time.
Hey everyone, welcome back toCommon Sense Parenting with Pam,
the podcast where we keep itreal, keep it practical and keep
it focused on raisingrespectful, responsible children
.
I'm your host, pam Palanza, andtoday we're diving into one of
the biggest hot button issuesfor parents disrespect when your
(00:48):
child talks back, rolls theireyes or throws out that tone
that makes your blood boil.
You know, we've all been thereright.
Disrespect can feel personaland, let's be honest, sometimes
it is, but how we respond makesall the difference in whether it
becomes a pattern or a passingmoment.
So we're going to break thatdown in a minute, but first I
(01:09):
want to hop in here to let youknow, if you've not already been
made aware, that I now have ashow on YouTube called the Pam
Show.
Check it out on my channel,pamela Palanza.
Look under playlist.
You'll see the Pam Show there.
I'm really excited about thatbecause this is going to allow
me time to go into more detailand information on some of my
(01:30):
reels and actually even on someof my podcasts, so check it out.
You're not already a subscriber?
Please subscribe so you don'tmiss any of the episodes.
All right, let's dive into this.
What disrespect really is?
You might think disrespect isjust bad manners or rudeness,
and yeah, sometimes that'sexactly what really is.
You might think disrespect isjust bad manners or rudeness,
and yeah, sometimes that'sexactly what it is, but often
(01:50):
what we are labeling asdisrespect is really just your
child struggling with bigemotions, or they lack skills,
or they're trying to testboundaries and guess what?
That's perfectly normal.
There are three common causes ofdisrespect in children.
Number one is their frustrationor feeling powerlessness, so
(02:12):
kids lash out when they don'thave the words or tools to
express themselves.
Right, we always say allbehavior is communication, and
this is when you see youngchildren you know toddlers
throwing tantrums becausethey're not very verbal and they
can't express themselves, orit's the same thing here with
your older kiddos.
They don't always have thewords or the tools, so they
(02:32):
express themselves by beingfrustrated and then act out
Modeling behavior they've seen.
Oh, this is a big one.
Whether it's from you, someanother adult in the house, your
siblings' TV, they're alwayswatching.
I tell this to parents all thetime.
They're modeling you, they'rewatching you.
So you have to be very carefulwhat you're saying and what
(02:52):
you're doing.
And then, of course, numberthree is they're testing their
limits, right?
Children push to see where theline is.
It's kind of like part of theirjob description.
I know I say every age has ajob description and testing
limits is pretty much in everyone of them, no matter what the
age.
But just because it's commondoesn't mean you let it slide at
(03:14):
all.
Disrespect needs to be addressed, but with intention and
immediately.
Okay.
So here's what not to do.
Let's start there.
Let's start with what doesn'twork and what actually makes
things worse.
Number one if you're matchingtheir tone or their attitude,
you know your child is rude andyou're rude right back You're
just reinforcing and modelingthat behavior.
(03:37):
So you're essentially givingthem permission to talk that way
, which is what you don't wantthem to do and which is why
you're having conversation withthem about their disrespect.
You see how it makes no sense,okay, number two lecturing in
the heat of the moment.
Now, when a child is in fulltantrum or meltdown mode or full
sass mode, they're not in astate to learn, they're not
(04:00):
hearing you.
Save the teachable moment forlater, when they're calm, and
when you're calm and ignorerepeated patterns.
That's number three.
Once, twice, they'redisrespectful.
You know, maybe they're justhaving a bad day, but if
disrespect becomes routine, it'stime for some consistent
consequences immediately.
And you follow through everysingle time and skill building,
(04:22):
teaching them what they'resupposed to do.
Because remember, I say thisall the time you're not raising
just a child, you're raising aperson who's going to become a
future adult and that's yourresponsibility to make sure they
know how to be in the world.
Okay, so how do you respond todisrespect in the moment?
Right, what do you do?
Number one is you can just saythings simply, like I don't
(04:44):
speak to you that way and Iexpect the same from you.
Very simple, it's very clear.
It models respect.
You're saying this in a calmtone.
You're looking them straight inthe eye.
You're giving to them straightexactly what you feel and expect
.
Okay, number two you can saylet's try that again with
respect.
So say your child mouths off atyou about something, you just
(05:06):
look at them and say you cangive that a try again, with
respect.
So, say your child mouths offat you about something, you just
look at them and say you cangive that a try again, with
respect.
So it gives them a redo withoutpunishment, and this is really
great for younger kids who arestill just learning what the
boundaries are okay.
Number three you can say you maybe upset, but that tone is not
okay.
Again, you're very calm, you'revery matter of fact.
(05:28):
This acknowledges theirfeelings.
Right, I see you're upset, butit's still not okay.
So you're still holding thatboundary.
You're letting them know youunderstand, but it's not cool.
Number four use a calm butserious face and go silent.
Now, this is like the mom lookright, some of you have mastered
(05:48):
that.
Or the dad look, some of youhave mastered that.
And my kids knew if my eyebrowswent up and my eyes got big and
I wasn't saying anything, wow,they were probably in big
trouble because I talk a lot.
So when I didn't, they knewthat was serious trouble.
So silence can often be morepowerful than your words.
(06:09):
Number five walk away andrevisit later, and I just did a
reel about this today.
It went up today.
Silence is power Again.
Walk away.
You don't have to take thatdisrespect from your child.
You're the adult and they donot have the right to speak to
you that way.
I mean, as long as you're beingrespectful to your children,
you're mumbling that and that'swhat they know is they're
(06:29):
supposed to be doing.
Walk away.
Okay, if you feel yourselfgetting to that point where
you're ready to snap, walk away,take a deep breath, talk about
it later.
The key to all of this is beingcalm, clear and consistent.
So your reaction is teachingmore than your words.
Consistent, so your reaction isteaching more than your words.
(06:49):
Actions speak louder than words, all right.
So how do we teach respect onthe regular, like doing it part
of every day?
Okay, it doesn't.
Your teaching respect doesn'tstart with the punishment.
That's after it.
Okay, it's teaching withmodeling and practicing it.
They need to see you doing it.
So here's how to build respectin your home every day.
Here's some examples Modelrespectful speech, even when
(07:12):
you're frustrated.
So your children need to see howyou handle stress with your
words, with not yelling orsarcasm or being snarky, as I
call it.
Model the calm, clear speech.
That's what they're watchingfor, even when you're frustrated
, because guess what I hearpeople say well, they made me
mad and they made me this way.
(07:33):
No, what they have done mayhave made you angry, um, but
that's how you choose to respondto it.
That's not on them.
How you respond to it is on you, okay.
So then, obviously, I'm alwaysbig about praising what you see
that you want more of.
So praise respectful behavior.
When you see it, you know youcan say something like thanks
(07:54):
for speaking kindly, Iappreciate that.
Okay.
And then you know, for youngerkids too, or even some older
kids, you can role play thescenarios so you can practice
how to disagree respectfully.
Okay, so you can say to yourchild let's pretend you don't
like what I just said.
What's a better way to respond?
(08:14):
And then that opens the doorfor some conversation.
And this is some skill buildinggoing on here, because
sometimes they don't know and italso is a teachable moment.
And then create family rulesaround tone and language you
know, post them.
You can put them on yourrefrigerator or everybody can
see them.
I call these household rulesright?
(08:35):
Household responsibilities,household rules um, I also have
a chart I I forget what it'scalled.
Even I have so much content upthere on my site, but it is
about expectations of the family.
So you sit down as a family andyou decide, like, how are we
going to treat each other aroundhere?
What are expectations forbehavior?
You agree on it, those getposted and you refer to them,
(08:57):
you keep it visual and you keepit consistent so your family
understands we have certainroles around our tone and our
language in this house and it'svery clear to everybody because
you've all agreed on in thebeginning.
All right, so let's talk aboutsome natural consequences, right
?
So disrespect should lead tological consequences, not
(09:18):
punishments out of anger.
You never want to punish out ofanger, because this is when
parents go.
That's it.
You're grounded for two months.
Well, okay, you know that's notgoing to happen, because if
they're grounded for two months,that means you're grounded for
two months.
Or someone in your house who'sthe adult that has to be
grounded for two months, andit's unrealistic and it's silly.
(09:38):
So that's why you don't want topunish out of anger, because
sometimes in the moment whenyour emotions are at a high
level, you say things you don'tmean.
You want to just make sure thatyou are calm when you're coming
up with consequences.
So if your child is rude duringa fun outing, you're done,
that's it, it's over, you leave.
(10:00):
There, there's an example.
You don't have to make a bigdeal of anything, you just say
you chose to behave that way.
Now we leave and I always tellparents to use the word you
chose or you choose, becausethat's on the child.
The child chose to act that wayand this is the consequences of
their choices and they need tolearn that at a very young age,
(10:22):
because that's life and allthrough life they're going to
have choices and behaviors andfor every one of them there's
going to be a consequence,whether it's positive or
negative.
So you need to teach them thatyoung.
If they talk disrespectfully,for example, they lose the
privilege of your attentionuntil they can speak
respectfully.
So you walk away, you don'trespond to them.
I don't care if they're tryingto bait you and engage you in
(10:44):
conversation, you just walk away, but always circle back when
things calm down.
So after you've calmed down,they've calmed down you can say
something like hey, earlier youwere really frustrated and I get
it, but the way you spoke wasnot okay.
Let's work on handling itbetter next time.
And then if they need help andyou can say, do you need help
(11:04):
figuring out how to do that?
And if they say yes, then youhelp figure that out for them.
Disrespect is tough, ittriggers us, it challenges us,
especially when they'reteenagers.
But it's also an opportunity toteach, to guide, to model, and
remember this your calm is morepowerful than their chaos.
(11:30):
If you like this episode, pleaseshare it with a friend so we
can get the word out to morepeople.
And don't forget to check outmy parenting resources on my
website, pamelapalanzacom.
There's a lot of content therefor you all, and I will see you
next time on our next episode.
In the meantime, hug and loveyour babies.
(11:51):
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand, if you did, please leave a
review.
That helps other parents findus.
And if you have friends whoalso have children and could use
some parenting tips, feel freeto share this.
I would really appreciate itand you know I'd love to hear
from you, so you can always findme on my socials.
And until then, remember, hugand love your babies.
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle
(00:25):
parenting one common sense tipat a time.
Hey everyone, welcome back toCommon Sense Parenting with Pam,
the podcast where we keep itreal, keep it practical and keep
it focused on raisingrespectful, responsible children
.
I'm your host, pam Palanza, andtoday we're diving into one of
the biggest hot button issuesfor parents disrespect when your
(00:48):
child talks back, rolls theireyes or throws out that tone
that makes your blood boil.
You know, we've all been thereright.
Disrespect can feel personaland, let's be honest, sometimes
it is, but how we respond makesall the difference in whether it
becomes a pattern or a passingmoment.
So we're going to break thatdown in a minute, but first I
(01:09):
want to hop in here to let youknow, if you've not already been
made aware, that I now have ashow on YouTube called the Pam
Show.
Check it out on my channel,pamela Palanza.
Look under playlist.
You'll see the Pam Show there.
I'm really excited about thatbecause this is going to allow
me time to go into more detailand information on some of my
(01:30):
reels and actually even on someof my podcasts, so check it out.
You're not already a subscriber?
Please subscribe so you don'tmiss any of the episodes.
All right, let's dive into this.
What disrespect really is?
You might think disrespect isjust bad manners or rudeness,
and yeah, sometimes that'sexactly what really is.
You might think disrespect isjust bad manners or rudeness,
and yeah, sometimes that'sexactly what it is, but often
(01:50):
what we are labeling asdisrespect is really just your
child struggling with bigemotions, or they lack skills,
or they're trying to testboundaries and guess what?
That's perfectly normal.
There are three common causes ofdisrespect in children.
Number one is their frustrationor feeling powerlessness, so
(02:12):
kids lash out when they don'thave the words or tools to
express themselves.
Right, we always say allbehavior is communication, and
this is when you see youngchildren you know toddlers
throwing tantrums becausethey're not very verbal and they
can't express themselves, orit's the same thing here with
your older kiddos.
They don't always have thewords or the tools, so they
(02:32):
express themselves by beingfrustrated and then act out
Modeling behavior they've seen.
Oh, this is a big one.
Whether it's from you, someanother adult in the house, your
siblings' TV, they're alwayswatching.
I tell this to parents all thetime.
They're modeling you, they'rewatching you.
So you have to be very carefulwhat you're saying and what
(02:52):
you're doing.
And then, of course, numberthree is they're testing their
limits, right?
Children push to see where theline is.
It's kind of like part of theirjob description.
I know I say every age has ajob description and testing
limits is pretty much in everyone of them, no matter what the
age.
But just because it's commondoesn't mean you let it slide at
(03:14):
all.
Disrespect needs to be addressed, but with intention and
immediately.
Okay.
So here's what not to do.
Let's start there.
Let's start with what doesn'twork and what actually makes
things worse.
Number one if you're matchingtheir tone or their attitude,
you know your child is rude andyou're rude right back You're
just reinforcing and modelingthat behavior.
(03:37):
So you're essentially givingthem permission to talk that way
, which is what you don't wantthem to do and which is why
you're having conversation withthem about their disrespect.
You see how it makes no sense,okay, number two lecturing in
the heat of the moment.
Now, when a child is in fulltantrum or meltdown mode or full
sass mode, they're not in astate to learn, they're not
(04:00):
hearing you.
Save the teachable moment forlater, when they're calm, and
when you're calm and ignorerepeated patterns.
That's number three.
Once, twice, they'redisrespectful.
You know, maybe they're justhaving a bad day, but if
disrespect becomes routine, it'stime for some consistent
consequences immediately.
And you follow through everysingle time and skill building,
(04:22):
teaching them what they'resupposed to do.
Because remember, I say thisall the time you're not raising
just a child, you're raising aperson who's going to become a
future adult and that's yourresponsibility to make sure they
know how to be in the world.
Okay, so how do you respond todisrespect in the moment?
Right, what do you do?
Number one is you can just saythings simply, like I don't
(04:44):
speak to you that way and Iexpect the same from you.
Very simple, it's very clear.
It models respect.
You're saying this in a calmtone.
You're looking them straight inthe eye.
You're giving to them straightexactly what you feel and expect
.
Okay, number two you can saylet's try that again with
respect.
So say your child mouths off atyou about something, you just
(05:06):
look at them and say you cangive that a try again, with
respect.
So, say your child mouths offat you about something, you just
look at them and say you cangive that a try again, with
respect.
So it gives them a redo withoutpunishment, and this is really
great for younger kids who arestill just learning what the
boundaries are okay.
Number three you can say you maybe upset, but that tone is not
okay.
Again, you're very calm, you'revery matter of fact.
(05:28):
This acknowledges theirfeelings.
Right, I see you're upset, butit's still not okay.
So you're still holding thatboundary.
You're letting them know youunderstand, but it's not cool.
Number four use a calm butserious face and go silent.
Now, this is like the mom lookright, some of you have mastered
(05:48):
that.
Or the dad look, some of youhave mastered that.
And my kids knew if my eyebrowswent up and my eyes got big and
I wasn't saying anything, wow,they were probably in big
trouble because I talk a lot.
So when I didn't, they knewthat was serious trouble.
So silence can often be morepowerful than your words.
(06:09):
Number five walk away andrevisit later, and I just did a
reel about this today.
It went up today.
Silence is power Again.
Walk away.
You don't have to take thatdisrespect from your child.
You're the adult and they donot have the right to speak to
you that way.
I mean, as long as you're beingrespectful to your children,
you're mumbling that and that'swhat they know is they're
(06:29):
supposed to be doing.
Walk away.
Okay, if you feel yourselfgetting to that point where
you're ready to snap, walk away,take a deep breath, talk about
it later.
The key to all of this is beingcalm, clear and consistent.
So your reaction is teachingmore than your words.
Consistent, so your reaction isteaching more than your words.
(06:49):
Actions speak louder than words, all right.
So how do we teach respect onthe regular, like doing it part
of every day?
Okay, it doesn't.
Your teaching respect doesn'tstart with the punishment.
That's after it.
Okay, it's teaching withmodeling and practicing it.
They need to see you doing it.
So here's how to build respectin your home every day.
Here's some examples Modelrespectful speech, even when
(07:12):
you're frustrated.
So your children need to see howyou handle stress with your
words, with not yelling orsarcasm or being snarky, as I
call it.
Model the calm, clear speech.
That's what they're watchingfor, even when you're frustrated
, because guess what I hearpeople say well, they made me
mad and they made me this way.
(07:33):
No, what they have done mayhave made you angry, um, but
that's how you choose to respondto it.
That's not on them.
How you respond to it is on you, okay.
So then, obviously, I'm alwaysbig about praising what you see
that you want more of.
So praise respectful behavior.
When you see it, you know youcan say something like thanks
(07:54):
for speaking kindly, Iappreciate that.
Okay.
And then you know, for youngerkids too, or even some older
kids, you can role play thescenarios so you can practice
how to disagree respectfully.
Okay, so you can say to yourchild let's pretend you don't
like what I just said.
What's a better way to respond?
(08:14):
And then that opens the doorfor some conversation.
And this is some skill buildinggoing on here, because
sometimes they don't know and italso is a teachable moment.
And then create family rulesaround tone and language you
know, post them.
You can put them on yourrefrigerator or everybody can
see them.
I call these household rulesright?
(08:35):
Household responsibilities,household rules um, I also have
a chart I I forget what it'scalled.
Even I have so much content upthere on my site, but it is
about expectations of the family.
So you sit down as a family andyou decide, like, how are we
going to treat each other aroundhere?
What are expectations forbehavior?
You agree on it, those getposted and you refer to them,
(08:57):
you keep it visual and you keepit consistent so your family
understands we have certainroles around our tone and our
language in this house and it'svery clear to everybody because
you've all agreed on in thebeginning.
All right, so let's talk aboutsome natural consequences, right
?
So disrespect should lead tological consequences, not
(09:18):
punishments out of anger.
You never want to punish out ofanger, because this is when
parents go.
That's it.
You're grounded for two months.
Well, okay, you know that's notgoing to happen, because if
they're grounded for two months,that means you're grounded for
two months.
Or someone in your house who'sthe adult that has to be
grounded for two months, andit's unrealistic and it's silly.
(09:38):
So that's why you don't want topunish out of anger, because
sometimes in the moment whenyour emotions are at a high
level, you say things you don'tmean.
You want to just make sure thatyou are calm when you're coming
up with consequences.
So if your child is rude duringa fun outing, you're done,
that's it, it's over, you leave.
(10:00):
There, there's an example.
You don't have to make a bigdeal of anything, you just say
you chose to behave that way.
Now we leave and I always tellparents to use the word you
chose or you choose, becausethat's on the child.
The child chose to act that wayand this is the consequences of
their choices and they need tolearn that at a very young age,
(10:22):
because that's life and allthrough life they're going to
have choices and behaviors andfor every one of them there's
going to be a consequence,whether it's positive or
negative.
So you need to teach them thatyoung.
If they talk disrespectfully,for example, they lose the
privilege of your attentionuntil they can speak
respectfully.
So you walk away, you don'trespond to them.
I don't care if they're tryingto bait you and engage you in
(10:44):
conversation, you just walk away, but always circle back when
things calm down.
So after you've calmed down,they've calmed down you can say
something like hey, earlier youwere really frustrated and I get
it, but the way you spoke wasnot okay.
Let's work on handling itbetter next time.
And then if they need help andyou can say, do you need help
(11:04):
figuring out how to do that?
And if they say yes, then youhelp figure that out for them.
Disrespect is tough, ittriggers us, it challenges us,
especially when they'reteenagers.
But it's also an opportunity toteach, to guide, to model, and
remember this your calm is morepowerful than their chaos.
(11:30):
If you like this episode, pleaseshare it with a friend so we
can get the word out to morepeople.
And don't forget to check outmy parenting resources on my
website, pamelapalanzacom.
There's a lot of content therefor you all, and I will see you
next time on our next episode.
In the meantime, hug and loveyour babies.
(11:51):
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand, if you did, please leave a
review.
That helps other parents findus.
And if you have friends whoalso have children and could use
some parenting tips, feel freeto share this.
I would really appreciate itand you know I'd love to hear
from you, so you can always findme on my socials.
And until then, remember, hugand love your babies.
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