March 4, 2025 • 9 mins
This episode explores effective strategies for managing backtalk and disrespectful behavior in children. Parenting can be a challenge, especially when kids express their frustrations through disrespectful remarks.
• Discussing common reasons for backtalk
• Strategies to handle backtalk effectively
• Importance of modeling respectful behavior
If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review that helps other parents find us. Feel free to share this episode with friends who may need parenting tips.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle
(00:22):
parenting one common sense tipat a time.
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining in.
Today we are going to talkabout how to handle backtalk and
disrespectful behavior.
Now, I know that a lot ofparents face that challenge.
If you've ever had a child, youknow, roll their eyes at you or
(00:43):
argue back or say somethinglike you're not the boss of me,
then you really want to payclose attention to this podcast
episode.
We're going to talk about whykids talk back in the first
place.
What are the reasons?
Well, it's important to knowthat it's normal.
It doesn't mean we like it andwe shouldn't allow it to happen,
but here's some reasons why itdoes happen in the first place.
(01:05):
Well, number one they'retesting their boundaries.
They're going to push thelimits to see what they can get
away with, and if you let themget away with it, they're going
to continue it.
So we're going to talk aboutstrategies here in a bit, so you
can stop it immediately.
They're feeling frustrated.
When children don't get theirway, they often react
(01:28):
emotionally.
They'll argue, they'll cry,they'll stomp their feet, you
know, they'll have a tantrum.
They're modeling behavior.
If they hear sass or sarcasm orrudeness from adults or from
other children, they may copy it.
That's normal and sometimesthis will happen.
When you hear a young child,that'll cuss right and they say
(01:50):
a word.
They don't even know what itmeans, but they've heard it from
somebody and they're justmimicking it.
They may feel out of control.
So if children feel like theyhave no power, they might use
words as a way to gain somecontrol, and they don't always
know how to express theirfeelings appropriately.
Sometimes they just don't havethe skills to say I'm upset or
(02:14):
I'm angry, or you hurt myfeelings, so they lash out
instead.
So here's an example you say tosomeone it's time to clean up
your toys and your child goeswhy do I have to do everything
around here?
And they roll their eyes.
What do you do when thathappens?
You know your first instinct isto go.
Don't you roll your eyes at me,young man?
(02:34):
Who do you think you are.
First thing you do is you staycalm.
Just don't even engage in anypower struggle with them.
Acknowledge their frustration,but you've got to hold that
boundary.
This is where we're talkingabout not letting them get away
with it.
You hold that boundary.
You use a short, firm, not mean, not hateful, firm response to
(02:56):
say example.
I understand you don't feellike cleaning up, but that
doesn't change the fact that itneeds to be done.
Let me know if you need helpgetting started, and that's it.
That's it, you're done.
You don't engage from there.
Here's what you don't doYelling at them, you know, don't
you dare talk to me like that?
Who do you think you are?
I'm your mother, I'm yourfather or lecturing them.
(03:17):
When I was your age, I nevertalked to my parents that way,
because, let me tell yousomething, they don't care and
they're tuning you out, and themore you talk at them, the less
they're listening to you.
Remember that.
That's a solid piece of advice.
So remember, the goal isn't towin this battle with them, but
to teach respect through yourown calm behavior, and then
(03:42):
you're also modeling that forthem.
How about this scenario?
You can't make me Example.
You say to your child it's timeto turn off the iPad and they
go no, you can't make me, okay,I can just make me Okay.
I can just imagine what some ofyou are thinking you would do
right at this moment.
But here's what you need to do.
(04:03):
You need to stay neutral,remember, we don't get into
arguments, we don't engage inbattles.
We are giving clear, calmresponses and you're following
through, with naturalconsequences in this situation.
So you would say something likeit's time to turn off the iPad
and if you don't turn it off, Iwill put it away for the rest of
(04:24):
the day you choose, and thensit back and see what they do.
If they continue to argue.
You do not engage in a debate.
Instead, you silently go over,take the iPad away and move on.
What you don't do is threatenwithout following through.
So because children quicklylearn that if you don't mean
(04:45):
what you say, they can ignoreyou, and I've been preaching
this for a very long time nowSay what you mean and mean what
you say.
So if you tell them that you'regoing to take the iPad away and
they don't get it back for acertain period of time, then you
follow through on that, do notback down, and you'd never argue
(05:06):
back.
Never do like, yes, I can, Ican make you, I'm the mom, I'm
in charge, I'm the boss of you.
Just don't even get to that.
Stick to your word.
The more consistent you are,the less they're going to test
you in the future because theyknow you mean it.
Okay, let's try this scenario.
I hate you.
You're the worst parent ever.
(05:27):
Okay, that's because maybe yousaid no to something they want
to do.
Hey, mom, can I go to the mallwith my friends and hang out?
And you're like no, that's nota great idea, not something I'm
approving.
And they're like you're so mean, I hate you.
Okay, now I know I've hadfollowers say to me before.
Oh, when they say they hate me,I just feel so sad and it hurts
(05:49):
my feelings.
I'm just telling you do notpersonalize this.
It is not about you.
This is just your childspeaking out of emotions.
They're not personallyattacking you, so don't take it
that way.
They're just frustrated andthey don't have the skills maybe
in that moment to handle thatin a better way.
So you acknowledge theirfeelings but you reinforce that.
(06:09):
Well, I understand you're upset, but you're going to not be
allowed to go to the mall.
We can find something else thatyou can do.
So in this instance, you couldsay in this family we speak
respectfully, you don't have tolike my decision, but you do
have to accept it, and then, ifthey continue being
disrespectful, you just end theconversation, walk away.
You know you can say I'm happyto listen when you can speak
(06:31):
respectfully, let me know whenyou're ready, and then walk away
.
Do not engage in battle andconversation and overanalyze and
talk and talk, and talk andtalk.
What not to do is to say well,I don't like you right now,
either when they say I hate you,or okay, fine, okay, fine, you
can have it, you can go Go ahead, go to the mall, okay, because
(06:59):
what you're teaching them isthat being rude gets them what
they want.
That's definitely something wedon't want to teach your
children.
So your child's words rememberthis are a reflection of their
emotions, not your parenting.
Stay calm, model the behavioryou want to see.
Now I can remember I did thisepisode the same topic on my
Facebook Live last week, Ibelieve a couple weeks ago and I
(07:24):
shared this.
I remember when I was ateenager I was a pretty good kid
and I'm very respectful of myparents and I remember my mother
telling me one time no aboutsomething I couldn't go
somewhere or do something Ireally really wanted to do.
Know about something I couldn'tgo somewhere or do something I
really really wanted to dono-transcript.
But when my father came homeshe must have mentioned it to
(07:45):
him, because next thing I knowthere was a knock at my door and
my father said your mother toldme what happened.
Don't you ever speak to yourmother that way.
Now, he was not yelling at me,he was not angry, he was very
calm.
But he said don't you everspeak to your mother that way
again and don't you ever slamyour door again.
Do you understand me?
And I said, yes, I understandyou, it won't happen again.
(08:13):
Do you understand me?
And I said, yes, I understandyou, it won't happen again.
And it didn't happen againbecause I knew that would not be
tolerated.
My parents didn't yell at us,they didn't spank us.
They talked to us, they engagedus in conversations about how
we could do things differently,but they did it in a loving,
positive way and I've raised mychildren that way and hopefully
they're raising their childrenthat way.
That was a lesson I learned andI've never forgotten and I'm a
lot older than my teenage yearsagain.
All right, how to handlebacktalk in the right way.
(08:35):
Let's wrap this up here.
You stay calm.
Remember you don't engage inpower struggles.
You're the parent, you're incharge.
You acknowledge their feelings,but you hold firm on that rule
or that boundary.
You acknowledge their feelings,but you hold firm on that rule
or that boundary.
You use short, firm responsesinstead of long lectures.
Remember, with long lecturesthey're not hearing you.
So save your breath and followthrough with natural
(08:59):
consequences.
Natural consequences arepowerful, powerful teaching
tools.
Okay, and then model respect.
Here we go again.
Model it.
Children learn to speak toothers and speak to you by how
you are doing it to other people.
So they're watching you and Iknow backtalk and disrespect is
frustrating, but it's also ateachable moment.
(09:20):
So when you stay calm and youset those firm examples and you
respond in a way that teacheschildren respect, your children
learn how to communicate better.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand, if you did, please leave a
(09:41):
review that helps other parentsfind us and if you have friends
who also have children and coulduse some parenting tips.
Feel free to share this.
I would really appreciate it.
You know I'd love to hear fromyou, so you can always find me
on my socials.
And until then, remember, hugand love your babies.
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle
(00:22):
parenting one common sense tipat a time.
Hey everyone, thanks forjoining in.
Today we are going to talkabout how to handle backtalk and
disrespectful behavior.
Now, I know that a lot ofparents face that challenge.
If you've ever had a child, youknow, roll their eyes at you or
(00:43):
argue back or say somethinglike you're not the boss of me,
then you really want to payclose attention to this podcast
episode.
We're going to talk about whykids talk back in the first
place.
What are the reasons?
Well, it's important to knowthat it's normal.
It doesn't mean we like it andwe shouldn't allow it to happen,
but here's some reasons why itdoes happen in the first place.
(01:05):
Well, number one they'retesting their boundaries.
They're going to push thelimits to see what they can get
away with, and if you let themget away with it, they're going
to continue it.
So we're going to talk aboutstrategies here in a bit, so you
can stop it immediately.
They're feeling frustrated.
When children don't get theirway, they often react
(01:28):
emotionally.
They'll argue, they'll cry,they'll stomp their feet, you
know, they'll have a tantrum.
They're modeling behavior.
If they hear sass or sarcasm orrudeness from adults or from
other children, they may copy it.
That's normal and sometimesthis will happen.
When you hear a young child,that'll cuss right and they say
(01:50):
a word.
They don't even know what itmeans, but they've heard it from
somebody and they're justmimicking it.
They may feel out of control.
So if children feel like theyhave no power, they might use
words as a way to gain somecontrol, and they don't always
know how to express theirfeelings appropriately.
Sometimes they just don't havethe skills to say I'm upset or
(02:14):
I'm angry, or you hurt myfeelings, so they lash out
instead.
So here's an example you say tosomeone it's time to clean up
your toys and your child goeswhy do I have to do everything
around here?
And they roll their eyes.
What do you do when thathappens?
You know your first instinct isto go.
Don't you roll your eyes at me,young man?
(02:34):
Who do you think you are.
First thing you do is you staycalm.
Just don't even engage in anypower struggle with them.
Acknowledge their frustration,but you've got to hold that
boundary.
This is where we're talkingabout not letting them get away
with it.
You hold that boundary.
You use a short, firm, not mean, not hateful, firm response to
(02:56):
say example.
I understand you don't feellike cleaning up, but that
doesn't change the fact that itneeds to be done.
Let me know if you need helpgetting started, and that's it.
That's it, you're done.
You don't engage from there.
Here's what you don't doYelling at them, you know, don't
you dare talk to me like that?
Who do you think you are?
I'm your mother, I'm yourfather or lecturing them.
(03:17):
When I was your age, I nevertalked to my parents that way,
because, let me tell yousomething, they don't care and
they're tuning you out, and themore you talk at them, the less
they're listening to you.
Remember that.
That's a solid piece of advice.
So remember, the goal isn't towin this battle with them, but
to teach respect through yourown calm behavior, and then
(03:42):
you're also modeling that forthem.
How about this scenario?
You can't make me Example.
You say to your child it's timeto turn off the iPad and they
go no, you can't make me, okay,I can just make me Okay.
I can just imagine what some ofyou are thinking you would do
right at this moment.
But here's what you need to do.
(04:03):
You need to stay neutral,remember, we don't get into
arguments, we don't engage inbattles.
We are giving clear, calmresponses and you're following
through, with naturalconsequences in this situation.
So you would say something likeit's time to turn off the iPad
and if you don't turn it off, Iwill put it away for the rest of
(04:24):
the day you choose, and thensit back and see what they do.
If they continue to argue.
You do not engage in a debate.
Instead, you silently go over,take the iPad away and move on.
What you don't do is threatenwithout following through.
So because children quicklylearn that if you don't mean
(04:45):
what you say, they can ignoreyou, and I've been preaching
this for a very long time nowSay what you mean and mean what
you say.
So if you tell them that you'regoing to take the iPad away and
they don't get it back for acertain period of time, then you
follow through on that, do notback down, and you'd never argue
(05:06):
back.
Never do like, yes, I can, Ican make you, I'm the mom, I'm
in charge, I'm the boss of you.
Just don't even get to that.
Stick to your word.
The more consistent you are,the less they're going to test
you in the future because theyknow you mean it.
Okay, let's try this scenario.
I hate you.
You're the worst parent ever.
(05:27):
Okay, that's because maybe yousaid no to something they want
to do.
Hey, mom, can I go to the mallwith my friends and hang out?
And you're like no, that's nota great idea, not something I'm
approving.
And they're like you're so mean, I hate you.
Okay, now I know I've hadfollowers say to me before.
Oh, when they say they hate me,I just feel so sad and it hurts
(05:49):
my feelings.
I'm just telling you do notpersonalize this.
It is not about you.
This is just your childspeaking out of emotions.
They're not personallyattacking you, so don't take it
that way.
They're just frustrated andthey don't have the skills maybe
in that moment to handle thatin a better way.
So you acknowledge theirfeelings but you reinforce that.
(06:09):
Well, I understand you're upset, but you're going to not be
allowed to go to the mall.
We can find something else thatyou can do.
So in this instance, you couldsay in this family we speak
respectfully, you don't have tolike my decision, but you do
have to accept it, and then, ifthey continue being
disrespectful, you just end theconversation, walk away.
You know you can say I'm happyto listen when you can speak
(06:31):
respectfully, let me know whenyou're ready, and then walk away
.
Do not engage in battle andconversation and overanalyze and
talk and talk, and talk andtalk.
What not to do is to say well,I don't like you right now,
either when they say I hate you,or okay, fine, okay, fine, you
can have it, you can go Go ahead, go to the mall, okay, because
(06:59):
what you're teaching them isthat being rude gets them what
they want.
That's definitely something wedon't want to teach your
children.
So your child's words rememberthis are a reflection of their
emotions, not your parenting.
Stay calm, model the behavioryou want to see.
Now I can remember I did thisepisode the same topic on my
Facebook Live last week, Ibelieve a couple weeks ago and I
(07:24):
shared this.
I remember when I was ateenager I was a pretty good kid
and I'm very respectful of myparents and I remember my mother
telling me one time no aboutsomething I couldn't go
somewhere or do something Ireally really wanted to do.
Know about something I couldn'tgo somewhere or do something I
really really wanted to dono-transcript.
But when my father came homeshe must have mentioned it to
(07:45):
him, because next thing I knowthere was a knock at my door and
my father said your mother toldme what happened.
Don't you ever speak to yourmother that way.
Now, he was not yelling at me,he was not angry, he was very
calm.
But he said don't you everspeak to your mother that way
again and don't you ever slamyour door again.
Do you understand me?
And I said, yes, I understandyou, it won't happen again.
(08:13):
Do you understand me?
And I said, yes, I understandyou, it won't happen again.
And it didn't happen againbecause I knew that would not be
tolerated.
My parents didn't yell at us,they didn't spank us.
They talked to us, they engagedus in conversations about how
we could do things differently,but they did it in a loving,
positive way and I've raised mychildren that way and hopefully
they're raising their childrenthat way.
That was a lesson I learned andI've never forgotten and I'm a
lot older than my teenage yearsagain.
All right, how to handlebacktalk in the right way.
(08:35):
Let's wrap this up here.
You stay calm.
Remember you don't engage inpower struggles.
You're the parent, you're incharge.
You acknowledge their feelings,but you hold firm on that rule
or that boundary.
You acknowledge their feelings,but you hold firm on that rule
or that boundary.
You use short, firm responsesinstead of long lectures.
Remember, with long lecturesthey're not hearing you.
So save your breath and followthrough with natural
(08:59):
consequences.
Natural consequences arepowerful, powerful teaching
tools.
Okay, and then model respect.
Here we go again.
Model it.
Children learn to speak toothers and speak to you by how
you are doing it to other people.
So they're watching you and Iknow backtalk and disrespect is
frustrating, but it's also ateachable moment.
(09:20):
So when you stay calm and youset those firm examples and you
respond in a way that teacheschildren respect, your children
learn how to communicate better.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand, if you did, please leave a
(09:41):
review that helps other parentsfind us and if you have friends
who also have children and coulduse some parenting tips.
Feel free to share this.
I would really appreciate it.
You know I'd love to hear fromyou, so you can always find me
on my socials.
And until then, remember, hugand love your babies.
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