"No" Means Love

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The power of a simple "no" might be the most underrated tool in your parenting arsenal. Far from being harsh or damaging, saying "no" to your children—when done respectfully—is actually an act of profound love that prepares them for the realities of life beyond your protective embrace.

Throughout this illuminating episode, we unpack the crucial role boundaries play in raising resilient, emotionally intelligent children. Life inevitably serves up rejection and limitations, and sheltering our little ones from hearing "no" does them a profound disservice. But there's a significant difference between the constant barrage of "no, no, no" that makes children tune out, and the thoughtful, intentional use of boundaries that helps them develop self-control and respect for rules.

I share five powerful strategies to reframe your "no" positively: redirecting behavior to acceptable alternatives, offering limited choices that give children appropriate agency, teaching delayed gratification, combining empathy with firmness, and knowing when a direct "no" is simply necessary without lengthy explanation. You'll discover practical techniques like using visual signals instead of verbal commands, teaching children to "freeze" when needed, and how to respond when tantrums inevitably erupt.

Perhaps most importantly, we explore why consistency matters so profoundly. That moment when you cave after saying "no" teaches your child they have the power—what I call "the kiss of death" for parental authority. Children need to experience disappointment as a normal, healthy emotion, and your calm confidence in maintaining boundaries helps them develop crucial coping skills for adulthood. Remember, you're not being mean by setting limits—you're being the guide and protector your child needs to navigate an often challenging world. Ready to transform how you approach boundaries? Listen now and discover the positive power of "no."

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real-life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle

(00:22):
parenting, one common sense tipat a time.
No, absolutely not Because Isaid so.
Nope, not happening, don't evengo there.
Does any of this sound familiarto you?
We're talking today about theword no and how you can say no

(00:42):
to your child without losing theconnection, how you can do it
positively, how you can do itpositively, how you can do it
respectfully.
However, I'm also going to tellyou it is okay to use the word
no, and you should.
Children need to hear the wordno.
They're going to hear it intheir life, when they're out in

(01:03):
the world, and everyone may notbe as gentle and kind as you are
.
So it's important that yourchildren learn that why is not a
bad word, that they need tohear it and that you can teach
it to them in a positive andrespectful way, without feeling
guilty and the child not gettingfrustrated.
So just stay with me here onthis.

(01:25):
Why is it important that yourchildren hear the word no?
Well, let's start here.
Saying no is not mean.
In fact, it's probably one ofthe most loving words you can
say to your child, when it'ssaid the right way.
Because here's the truth Lifeis full of no's.
No, you can't do that.

(01:47):
No, you can't take the day offtomorrow.
No, you didn't get the job.
Life is full of no's, and yourchildren need to learn how to be
able to handle that.
Now, I am the first to say I'ma huge proponent of saying
things positively to childrenand I really have a problem with
children being told no, no, no,no, no, no, no.

(02:07):
In different ways.
For instance, when I observedin a toddler classroom one time
in a three-hour period, I heardthe teacher telling this little
sweet you know 15, 16,17-month-old children no, uh-uh,
stop it.
Uh-uh, sit down, put that down,get off that shelf.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, no, uh-uh,stop it, uh-uh, sit down, put
that down, get off that shelf.
No, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, no, no, no, no.
Bunch of different ways to sayno, very annoying, unnecessary.

(02:30):
Those children should not behearing that over and over and
over.
That's inappropriate.
However, as a parent and as ateacher, sure, use the word no.
Children need to hear it.
Now it's our job as parents toprepare our children to go out
in the world, and they're goingto hear the word no.
So our job is to teach them howto handle disappointment,

(02:53):
limits, boundaries and not toremove those things from their
lives and protect them like in abubble, but to teach them how
to deal with them when they comeacross them.
But to teach them how to dealwith them when they come across
them, because self-control istaught by hearing the word no.
Delayed gratification, respectfor rules and others, emotional

(03:13):
resilience All of those areimportant, and how you say it is
important too.
So your tone of voice, theintent that you're using, is all
important.
Let me just say here overusingthe word no, children don't hear
it.
They'd stop, they tune you out,they resist, they fight back.
They don't want to hear no allthe time.

(03:34):
Who does right?
Who does so?
Our goal here on this episodetoday is not to eliminate the
word no, but to teach you how touse it wisely and, when it's
appropriate, to reframe it tohelp children understand their
limits and feel respected in theprocess.
So how can you say no in apositive way.
Well, here are five ways we'regoing to start with.

(03:55):
Number one redirect thebehavior.
I love redirection.
So instead of saying to yourchild, for example, no, you
can't jump on the couch, getdown.
You can say you're welcome tojump outside.
So you tell them what you wantthem to do instead of what you
don't want them to do, andredirect them.
Number two you can offerchoices within limits.
Say, your child comes to you andsays I want candy, and you can

(04:18):
say well, your choices right noware yogurt or strawberries.
Which would you prefer?
And if the child picks one,great.
If they don't, if they pushback and say no, but I want
candy, again, repeat it calmly,just respectfully.
Say your choices right now areyogurt or strawberries.
I'm going to count to three.

(04:38):
You can choose one before then,or I'm going to pick it for you
and, trust me, they're going topick what they want.
Delay the request that's numberthree.
This is where you're teaching.
Delay gratification.
So the child wants to watch TV.
Instead of saying no, you can'twatch TV, you can say you can
watch a show after you'vecleaned up your toys.

(04:59):
So they learn what they want isthere waiting for them, but
they have to do something beforethen.
That's delay gratification, useempathy and firmness together.
So instead of saying, stopwhining, you can say when you
are calm and use your wordsclearly that I can understand,
I'll be happy to have adiscussion with you, that's it,

(05:21):
end of story.
And then you can just say no,no, I'm not okay with that, no,
that's not safe, no, and thedecision is final.
End of discussion.
Because I've said so.
However, you want to phrasethat I raise my kids like nope.
End of discussion.

(05:42):
We're not continuing this.
I'm the parent, I'm in charge,I know what's best.
No, now, I'm not saying youdon't explain things to children
, absolutely.
I'm not saying you don'texplain, but you've explained it
to them before they understand.
You don't have to keepexplaining.
In my opinion, there's way, way,way too much talking at
children.
That goes on.
A child wants something.

(06:04):
You say no, why not?
Well, here's why.
How do you feel about it?
What do you think we should doabout it?
No, none of that Explain Childsays hey, I want to go to my
friend's house.
He lives down the street.
I want to walk by myself andthe child's six years old, and
you go.
That's unsafe.
I'm your parent, I can driveyou or they can come here, and

(06:26):
the child says no, no, no, Iwant to walk and you go.
No.
The answer is no, that's it.
You don't have to go in longdiscussions.
Children aren't hearing youanyway.
They are tuning you out.
Save your breath, relax, tellthem what they can do, stick to
your guns and stay firm on this.
Now I'll tell you what I used todo with my grandson when he was

(06:48):
18 months old.
Instead of me saying no to himbecause I'm very aware of not
doing that a lot I would crossmy arms, like at the wrist in
front, like an X in front of me,and I would say off limits.
And it finally got to the pointwhere all I had to do was call
his name and just put my arms up, and he knew that meant to stop
right, without me saying stop,without me saying no.

(07:10):
I just used my sign and he knewwhat it meant.
He's now three and a half.
If I'm out with him in public,he starts running ahead of me
and I say freeze, and he knowsto stop instantly.
Now, if he's running towardsthe road, I'm going to yell no
at the top of my lungs, but he'sthere maybe two, three feet
ahead of me.

(07:30):
I'm just going to say freeze,and he knows to wait until I
catch up with him.
So those are some things thatyou can use to help you teach
your children things that youwant them to do without having
to say the word no all the time.
But on the flip end of that,you have to teach your children
how to tolerate the word no,because they're going to hear it
.
They may not like it, they'regoing to hear it.

(07:53):
So how can you do that?
Well, number one you stay calmwhen they cry or throw a tantrum
, because they will.
Now, if you're not used tosaying no to your child and
you're just going to start this,brace yourself because it can
get a little crazy.
But stay firm.
Do not feed the beast.
Now, your child's not a beast.

(08:13):
They're behaviorist.
So if they throw a tantrum orthey cry, ignore it.
Don't talk to them about it.
Don't hold them and comfortthem and help them regulate.
Ignore the tantrum to turn yourback.
Turn your back, read a book.
Ignore them, okay, when theystop, fine, then you move on.
You don't discuss it, you don'tanalyze it, you don't color

(08:34):
code it, you don't categorize it, you just move on and you stick
to your guns.
So just because they're upsetdoesn't mean you cave, because
if you do that even one time,what you have just taught your
child is you have the power andthat's the kiss of death.
When your children know youdon't mean what you say, they

(08:58):
stop listening to you when youdo talk.
And I just had somebody say tome today.
They sent me a message and theysaid why is it that my
five-year-old son, when myhusband says something the first
time, my son will listen, butwith me he won't?
And I said maybe because heknows his father means it and I
don't know the back, thebackstory, and I don't know all
the details.
That is probably what is goingon, I can guarantee it.

(09:23):
Mom has caved.
The child has learned I don'thave to listen to mom, but when
dad says something he's notplaying.
Okay and so right to let yourchildren feel disappointed and
frustrated and don't rescue thatfrom the feeling.
From that feeling.
They're going to have thosefeelings in life Disappointment,
frustration, sadness, beinguncomfortable that's part of
life and it's a normal, healthyemotion.

(09:44):
It teaches them that life hasboundaries and that they can
survive and keep on going, andthe more consistent you are with
your boundaries, the lessintense the reactions are going
to be over time.
So the key of all of this is tolead with calm, confidence, not
guilt, not anger, not fear oftheir reaction, because,

(10:06):
remember, you're the parent,right?
You're in charge, you knowwhat's best, you have more life
experience, you have reasons forsaying no that maybe don't need
to be explained to your childbecause of stuff they probably
shouldn't hear, and that's yourresponsibility as a parent.
So they need to hear no.
It helps them grow.

(10:27):
Saying no in a calm, respectfulor directing way can build
connection with your childinstead of conflict, and helping
your child handle no nowprepares them for life beyond
your home.
You're not being mean.
You're being a guide, aboundary setter, a protector.
You're setting an example foryour child.
You're explaining and teachingthem how life is in the real

(10:49):
world.
I always call it as how theyneed to be in the world.
Okay.
So don't be afraid of using theword no.
Use it when it matters, reframeit when you can and always,
always say it with love, and ifall else fails, you can try this
.
You can't see this, but this isa pen and it does this when I
push a button.
No, no, no, no.

(11:11):
I said no, I got it off ofAmazon, it's called the no Pen.
I got it off of Amazon, it'scalled the no pen.
I used it when I was working inmy husband's office and he
would come in and ask me to do amillion things.
I just put the no pen up and hewould slowly back out of the
office.
It's very effective.
Anyway, you may want, there yougo.

(11:32):
You may want to give that a try.
Anyway, remember, you know,common sense parenting, which is
what I'm all about.
It's not about being perfect,it's about showing up with
intention, setting limits withlove and raising kids who are
prepared for the real world.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.

(11:52):
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand, if you did, please leave a
review.
That helps other parents findus.
And if you have friends whoalso have children and could use
some parenting tips, feel freeto share this.
I'd really appreciate it.
You know I'd love to hear fromyou, so you can always find me
on my socials and until then,remember, hug and love your
babies.