Parenting with Empathy Not Fear

Send us a text

pamelapalanza.com
Parenting Vault

Spanking may seem like a quick fix, but is it really the best way to foster respect and understanding in children? Join me, Pam, as we dismantle the age-old practice of spanking, challenging its effectiveness and highlighting its emotional toll. This episode is a heartfelt exploration into why spanking can teach fear instead of nurturing respect and understanding, often causing emotional trauma and normalizing aggression. I encourage us to rethink the "spare the rod, spoil the child" adage, suggesting it be seen more as a call for guidance and protection rather than punishment. With a focus on alternatives, I share ways to cultivate a child's self-regulation through positive reinforcement, clear boundaries, natural consequences, and role modeling.

For those who missed our engaging Facebook Live session, fear not! All the insights shared are now available on PamelaPalanzacom under the Parent Corner. I invite you to catch up, share your thoughts, and be part of a community-driven conversation on parenting approaches. Your feedback is invaluable, so if you resonate with our Common Sense Parenting insights, please leave a review and share the podcast with others who might benefit. Together, let's navigate parenting challenges with empathy and wisdom, and cultivate a generation raised on respect rather than fear.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to Common Sense Parenting with Pam, the
podcast where we simplifyparenting with common sense tips
, real life scenarios and alittle bit of humor along the
way.
I'm Pam and I'm here to helpyou build the skills and
confidence you need to raisehappy, resilient and responsible
children.
So grab your coffee, take adeep breath and let's tackle

(00:26):
parenting one common sense tipat a time.
Hello, I'm Pam, your host, andI'm excited you're here with me
today because we're talkingabout a hot button topic
spanking versus non-spanking.
Now, I just did a Facebook liveabout this yesterday and I went
into depth on that.
I'll go in a little bit morehere.
But I do not believe inspanking children at all for any

(00:50):
reason.
For behavior management, fordiscipline, for any reason.
I do not believe striking achild is how you teach them in
the most effective way.
Now, you may have your ownopinion and I have done several
rules about this with myfollowers on Facebook and
Instagram and I get lots ofcontent and comments back.
Of course, I get the peoplethat agree and say absolutely

(01:12):
it's wrong.
And then I get the people thatsay what's in the Bible?
It tells you to spare the rod,spoil the child, and while that
may be, so I don't believe thatpeople are taking that in the
right context.
Now, that's again personalchoice and I you know you may be
being taught that wherever youworship.
However, to me that ismisconstruing what is meant.

(01:35):
I personally cannot believethat anybody would condone using
striking someone as a means ofcorrecting behavior.
And if you look back at theBible because people say, well,
proverbs 13, 24 says spare therod and spoil the child, yes,
but the rod, if you use it inthe right context, was commonly

(01:57):
used by shepherds to guide andprotect their sheep, to lead
them, to gently, nudge them ontothe right path.
You know, providing guidanceand care, not hitting them or
being harsh to get them tocomply.
Okay, if you look at the 23rdPsalm, you're riding your step
to comfort me.
That means the rod is a tool ofcomfort and protection, not

(02:18):
punishment.
And then we could go on and onand on here about the Bible, but
that's not what we're here forright now.
I mean, you have your opinionson that, people, do I get it?
Here's my thoughts on this.
Spanking doesn't teach anythingother than fear when you are
managing your child's behavioror trying to instill discipline.
That is teaching.

(02:39):
That is not punishment.
Spanking someone, hittingsomeone, that's punishment.
Now I have people say well, Idon't hit them hard or I don't
only hit them so many times, I'msorry.
When you strike a child you areinflicting pain.
It might be a light tap, itmight be people have been beaten

(03:00):
.
You know, they said my pictureshave beaten me when I was a
child and I still have nothingto do with them because of that.
It instills fear, not respect.
Behavior management, disciplineyou're teaching your children
through positive means.
Emotional response to spankingchildren fear you.
They're humiliated.
They may have a lot ofresentment for the way they were

(03:24):
treated and I can't blame them.
It damages their trust andsecurity with their parent.
So what they're and people say,well, it works.
I spank them and they stop whatthey're doing.
Well, they're stopping whatthey're doing because they don't
want to get hit again.
It's not because you taughtthem what they should be doing,
and when you spank them, it justnormalizes the behavior because

(03:45):
children, it's not because youtaught them what they should be
doing and when you spank them,it just normalizes the behavior
because children oh, I say thisall the time they learn from
watching.
So if you model that behavior.
They think that's an acceptableway to solve conflicts hitting
or exerting control oversomebody and it also teaches
them aggression.
That's a very aggressive meansof managing behavior.

(04:09):
It can lead to heightenedlevels of anxiety, to depression
.
It undermines their self-worth.
They're traumatized.
I mean, I hear from myfollowers all the time who
actually do have trauma frombeing spanked as a child or beat
as a child, however you want toword that.
Because what I find some peopledo is try to say, well, I

(04:30):
didn't beat them, I just spankedthem.
Okay, beating implies maybethat you're physically harmed in
excessive ways.
Spanking and maybe it's notalways controlled right and
spanking people say, well, I'mjust spanking them on the bottom
, you're still hitting someone,you're still inflicting pain.

(04:50):
It also doesn't teach yourchild anything about
self-regulation.
You're not getting to the rootof the behavior or teaching them
how to manage their emotions.
You're just getting them tocomply out of fear.
So over long-term you seebehavior issues in children.
Studies have shown children whoare spanked are more likely to

(05:13):
engage in antisocial behaviorand struggle, maybe, with
authority figures.
It erodes trust in therelationships.
There are just so many otherthings you can do instead of
spanking.
I will tell you I was neverspanked, ever growing up.
None of us were.
I have four of us in the family, two brothers and a sister, and

(05:33):
let me tell you my one brotherin particular.
He tried my parents a lot,right, both of my brothers
actually did.
We never spanked, never.
I never spanked my children,never.
There were other ways to do itand they were very effective and
my children do not spank theirchildren.
Okay, what are alternatives tospanking?
Positive reinforcement wereward their good behavior and

(05:57):
encourage them to want to domore of that.
You set clear boundaries.
They need to know what isexpected of them, what your
boundaries are, what yourexpectations are.
Help them understand that andthen using natural consequences
If they don't comply.
That can be a powerful teacher.
Right Modeling behavior Showthem what you expect.

(06:21):
Teach them the self-controlthat they need.
Use emotional coaching.
When children understand andcan name their emotions and
learn how to manage them, ithelps with their emotional
intelligence and theirself-regulation.

(06:44):
So I know I'm giving this to youquick and down and dirty, but
this is really such a sensitivesubject for a lot of parents and
a lot of parents defendspanking.
They have reasons and excuses.
Quite frankly, I think they'reexcuses for defending them.
And what I find is again mypersonal opinion is parents who
resort to spanking either don'thave the skills or the training
they need to be effectiveparents.

(07:05):
They haven't had classes orlearned, or maybe they were
raised with spanking.
And then they spank becausetypically we parent as we were
parented and that's all theyknow.
So that's an easy thing to do.
Speaking of easy, it is an easything to do your child's
misbehaving smack them on thebutton, off you go, they stop

(07:25):
what they're doing andeverything's fine, right, no, no
, the damage that you'reinflicting is long-term and
long-lasting.
And that fear-based discipline.
It doesn't foster criticalthinking or problem-solving or
empathy.
And that fear-based discipline.
It doesn't foster criticalthinking or problem solving or
empathy.
What it focuses on is immediatecompliance.
That's it.
You're not ever addressing theunderlying causes or issues of

(07:46):
behavior.
You're just stopping it.
And children who are disciplinedthrough fear often struggle
with decision making as theygrow older, because they have
been conditioned to obeyauthority rather than to think
independently.
And remember this.
And I know parenting is hard, Iunderstand it is probably the
most challenging thing you willever do and I know there are

(08:08):
days you're ready to just loseit.
They've, you know, stomped onyour last nerve, right.
But parenting is about teaching, not controlling.
So if you focus on guidance andconnection and positive
reinforcement, you can shapeyour children's behavior in a
way that builds confidence,resilience, respect without fear

(08:29):
, and that is hopefully what youwant for your child.
I don't know what are yourthoughts.
I'd love to hear them.
You can check back on ourFacebook Live.
If you missed it yesterday,it's on PamelaPalanzacom.
Go to the top menu, look forwhere it says Parent Corner and
then just slide down until yousee Watch Facebook Lives.

(08:50):
You'll see the full 30 minutesabout spanking.
I look forward to hearing youropinion.
Jump on socials, tell me whatyou think.
Thank you for tuning in totoday's episode of Common Sense
Parenting with Pam.
I hope you enjoyed the episodeand if you did, please leave a
review.
That helps other parents findus.
And if you have friends whoalso have children and could use

(09:12):
some parenting tips, feel freeto share this.
I would really appreciate itand you know I love to hear from
you, so you can always find meon the socials and until then,
remember I can love your babies.