June 3, 2024 • 22 mins
This isn't what you're used to listening to, today Ada has flipped the entire podcast on it's head.
They have a story to tell, one where it may seem as though they are running away, but really they are running toward their true identity.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Congratulations.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The best part of your day is happening right now
listening to me. I'm Art Simone, and very soon I'm
going to introduce you to someone interesting, exciting, or maybe
just a little bit querky. They may not seem that
way to begin with.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
But once I use my skills to uncover what they're
concealing from usoof, we're in for a wild ride.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
This is concealed with me, Art Simone. Want to meet
the guests, Well, it's time to roll the tape.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Happy.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Hi. My name is Arta and I'm from Melbourne. I
love art, and in particular I love music and fashion.
Today I'm not concealing a weird job or a strange hobby.
I'm here to tell my story.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Welcome to the studio.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Now, while the sounds of that, we're flipping it up
a little bit today, is that true?
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Oh indeed?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Oh my goodness, Well, hello, I love you to meet you. Now.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
You've come here with your finest pussy cat strawberry shirt.
Oh absolutely, it's beautiful if you named the pussy.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Yes, John, I don't think that's very confident.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
True true? As of now, John, is there are you
a cat person? Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Indeed?
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Oh, good, do you have a cat?
Speaker 3 (01:30):
Used to Well, technically it was technically my roommates, and
then I moved away and I was like, no.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
No, I am your father.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
But that's okay, all right. So from Melbourne, you're into art, music,
and fashion. Tell me about that please.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, I was initially going to study fashion. I've since
changed majors, but I have a keen interest in like fashion.
I particularly enjoy stuff like straight fashion. I like block
silhouettes and that kind of stuff. Chinese straight fashion is
also a big like focus of mine. I've always very
much been a more creative person, especially in my family,
whereas like a lot of them are very nerdy in
(02:08):
terms of like maths and stuff like that. But I'm just, oh,
that looks pretty. I want to know how to make
things look pretty. There's a lot of maths in fashion, no, absolutely, and.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Maybe it still runs in the blood.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Oh yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Okay. So and music, tell me about your your musical interests.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Well, it's fun because my roommate is actually a music
student as well, so we kind of feed off each other.
I love a lot of like new waves stuff in
the eighties. I grew up with a lot of things
like the Cure, the Smiths, Susie and the band Cheese.
That beautiful, that kind of stuff. I also really enjoy
stuff like I'm post punk and like dark wave and
like synth wave as well. But yeah, so I just
(02:45):
love anything that's glossy in neon.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
And speaking of you've got a lovely studded chokra weans.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
We've got some tattoos, thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
We've got some lines in your hair. How you used
to get designs drawn in my head?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Oh my god?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
What are they called? I don't know hair tattoos?
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Yeah, no, like Indians.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
We've got a headress on the hot one.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Now, can I find a friend?
Speaker 3 (03:08):
No?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Okay, all right, Yeah, so I'm glad you mentioned music
that I actually understand. That's what you're gonna be like.
I'm really into progressive house car alarms.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
I'm into anti music.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah, actually, just into the absence of sound.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
Yes, just it's not even silence, it's just it's negative noise.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
All right.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
So we're throwing out the format for the episode today.
I'm not going to be asking you three questions to
try and guess something. You're gonna be telling me a story.
Are you gonna be able to give me a hint
of what you're going to talk to me about today.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yes, so some people would say that I was running
away from something, but I like to think I was
running towards something, which is yes, that's That's the vaguest
thing I've ever said.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
It's like a lyric, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
I could sit on that for a while. It's like,
you know what's black, white and red all over newspaper.
That's the vibe there.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
So we are throwing out the rule book here today
for Concealed with Utsimon.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
No, no three questions, no salacious secrets hidden away from
me and concealed No.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
We're going in a bit of a story time today.
Oh I like that. It's the shakeup. So we're here
with Arda.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
We've thrown the format out the window for this week's
episode of Concealed, and you've just given me a hint
because you're going to be telling me a story today, okay,
And the hint was something about running away but maybe
running towards. And all I can think of is exercise.
And all I think is you're about to come and
tell me that you're really into fitness. But maybe that's
not the mood of what's happening today?
Speaker 3 (04:57):
Tell me I'm the world champion of Platoon. No Ah,
I am.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
And just like that, Big died.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Jesus Christ actually wrote the really famous episode, and just
like that, everyone hates for me.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
I kill Big.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
It's all good. I am here to tell the story
of how I ran away from home, specifically from a
very heavily religious, like very deep into cuan on household.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Wow. Yeah, okay, let's get into it there.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Yeah. So, given that I've just kind of lumped that
on you, just like a grand piano from twenty feet
in the sky, I will give some backgrounds. So yeah, obviously,
I grew up Roman Catholic in a very conservative kind
of side of town. It was a very diverse out
of town. I'm actually half indied myself, and I was
exposed to like diversity and stuff through that, but when
it came to stuff like queerness, completely shut off. And
(05:50):
that's kind of like where that all began. Because I've
I've been very gay from the very beginning. They've been tried,
they tried to hide it, and it was just kind
of like no, like are you like yes, it's just
like you I've seen like there's photos of me as
little man. I'm like, oh, oh she queer, she fruity
with the strawberries on my shirt. Yeah anyway, but yes.
So combined that with the timeline of me figuring out
(06:12):
that I was trans and figuring out that like, oh,
I'm very much into women, it was just like kind
of this cocktail of me slowly realizing oh, I have
to leave, and it all kind of came to a
head in my brother had just flown down from New
South Wales. He's in the army, so he was just
up there for a bit. He came back down and,
(06:34):
like I remember, because he was there, it was like
having someone who had been outside of the house for
a while, who had been exposed to, like, you know,
the normal world. It was like a light switch because
I kind of realized, oh my god, this is not
how a normal house functions, this is not how we're
supposed to function as a family. And that was like
(06:56):
my complete cue that I like certainly needed to get out.
Another factor was also because my parents were deeply into
the QAnon stuff.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Can you give a bit of background of what q
and on is?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Oh? Yeah, of course, So q and on is basically
this conspiracy theory. It's connected to a lot of other
conspiracy theories, but the main kind of head of it
is that there's this mythical person who's referred to as
Q and apparently they're like an XCIA person and that's
how they know all this stuff, and they're giving us
all these cryptic codes, and they're making like almost this idea,
(07:29):
this myth that like we're all kind of neo and
we're in the matrix and we all need to leave
and oh my yeah, it's justikes.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Yes, paper, it sounds really believable.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, it's just I was like hook Land
and sink a Soul. It was just like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
So it was very intense, and I was like one
of those things where I got a job and that
was my first introduction to what the world looks like,
like what the real world was, because all I'd ever
been really exposed was this kind of coddled Catholic ideal.
For context, I was also homeschooled, so oh yeah, okay,
we're deep in the Bible belting. I know we're trapped inside. Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
How does that feel for you when when you're coming
to terms with who you know, you are on the inside,
but you're also surrounded in this environment and not able
to see, you know, really get any exposure from the
outside world.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
What is that like?
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Oh, it's like, for a physical example, it's like having
like a foggy mirror. It's like there's something that there
is still a wett of you, but you can't quite
see it. But it's like, you know, when you get
out of the shower and you try to wipe a
foggy mirror clean, but it's like it doesn't quite do it,
and it still drips and everything. You still can't see it,
and it's you can rub as hard as you can
with your hands, but you can't. It's never going to
(08:48):
be completely clear. It's like there was missing pieces and
being so isolated felt like it was like when you're
in that environment, it's kind of like you're again with
the cats. It's I remember hearing hearing an example of
something not quite being right, and it's like it's like
(09:09):
you're a blind cat that you have even though you
have one of your senses removed from you, there's still
this instinct that there's something there that that shouldn't be there.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
So you get you get a job, Yes, and you're
in the real world.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
I actually coincidentally got a job in the city, which
was instrumental in me getting out because that's real life.
Oh yeah, and that's where I meet my very first
like queer people. I remember meeting a quick couple who
actually eventually got married, and I met the very first
trance person I ever met. She was really influential to
me because it was in seeing real life that I
(09:47):
started to really again crack started showing because what I
was told about.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Gay people growing up, like the Truman Show. Oh yeah,
that's another analogy for you. Yes, you've been living on
your little Truman show.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
You're like, wait a second, Yeah, this is something's not
quite right.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
This isn't correct.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Yeah, no, real and it's like you start to see it.
But specifically, something that I was told about gay people
growing up was that it's purely carnal. It's not love,
I know, And that's something that's that was really hard
because yeah, I know, right. That was directly challenged by
what I saw in that workplace, seeing that couple work,
(10:25):
seeing them the way they spoke to each other, the
way they treated each other, and in doing that, the
way they supported the team. It was with absolute just
adoration and affection, and I was like, it was just
like it directly challenged everything. I haven't even started to
rock that.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Are you already at this stage thinking I have to
start unlearning some of these what I've been told.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Not yet. Not when I started that job.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Were you used to like, oh, that's good for them,
but not to me.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Yeah, and not even that. It was just kind of like,
I'm living a holy life. I'm living the good life,
and these people as happy as they look, they're happier
than me, But that doesn't matter. This is the truth,
and I have to be happy with that. And I
kind of put on this brave face, if you will.
By that point, I actually left school and working was
the only thing I had. I really started to examine
(11:12):
what I was being fed and the fact that I
was being lied to. I started seeing the hate. I
started spending every hour I could away from the house.
I used to work eight hour shifts and even when
I was like at in the city at the twenty
four hour location. I remember being sixteen years old and
I used to turn a four hour shift into a
ten hour shift, and even after that, I'd stay up
(11:34):
in the office because I just didn't want to go home,
and I did that day in day out. I got
in contact with my brother who had left home already.
Their name is Tommy, and they were a massive help,
and we met up secretly in the city and then
we sat down and we talked and I was like,
you know, our parents are are bloody crazy, and like, yeah, no,
(11:55):
I was waiting for you to figure it out because
I knew you would eventually, and it was amazing. But
after hanging out with them, it was just like the
longer I stayed, the more I realized that it was
just like it was so toxic and it was just hateful,
and it was exhausting to be there.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
At this point. Had you now come into your queerness?
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Oh no, definitely. I was still very much closeted. There
was an attempt to come out that was shut down
very quickly.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Being out in the world and working had you at
least though, like started to think, Okay, I'm beginning to
understand who I am.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Yes, I was very scared by it, and I used
to like I used to equivocate like hell. I remember
in the very early stages one of the things I
used to say about myself was that I was I'm
not transgender. I just have gender dysphoria and that makes
me mentally ill. So and that's how I used to
justify it, which is horrific and horrible. Yeah, oh quite literally. Yeah.
(12:56):
But eventually it just started kind of peeling away and
I realized, Oh, this is just kind of who I am.
The sexuality and stuff like that was something that came
along later when I was out of the house, but
the gender stuff was always just something that there's always
been an incongruence for me and my understanding of gender
and stuff like that. I've always kind of realized that
(13:17):
it's been slightly different to my peers, and especially like
given like the fact that I used to go to
like an all girls youth group and stuff like that,
and it was just kind of like, oh, their understanding
of what it means to be themselves is so different
to me. And it's just like, on a basic fundamental level,
I'm not a woman, but I don't understand like I
thought I was a man for a long time, and
(13:39):
I was like, I don't know what the hell to
do with this, because it's just like you have to
box it away and just kind of compartmentalize and explain
it away. So I devised a plan. I had a
day to myself one day where I didn't have work,
where I sat in my room and I figured out
what I was taking with me and what I wasn't
And every day when i'd wake up for five in
(13:59):
the morning to go to a shift at, I was
about to say the chain name, I'm not going to
do that. Every time i'd go to work, I ca, yeah, yes,
there we go. And every time i'd go to make
meeples that I care. Every time I would do that,
I would carpool with another friend from work and we'd
go to work. I'd take a shoe box full of
(14:19):
my stuff, and slowly I started taking pretty much my
entire life with me and I got like one of
the first things I ended up getting out was my documents,
so like my birthsert, and I held it at one
of my friend's house. It was held at the friend
that used to like stick with me outside of my parents' house.
And basically I was slowly feeding myself away out until
(14:42):
I was invited to a mate's house. And this friend
is also just like amazing, And I remember having a
phone conversation with her, like a couple weeks before, and
I was just like, I can't do this. I hate
this house. I feel unloved, and like I know I'm unloved,
specifically because of the way they like treat me, the
way they speak about people like me, of like my
queerness and stuff like that. My friend feels really bad
(15:03):
for me after that phone call and is like, you know,
let's organize a day that's just for you. You can come
to mind, stay for a few hours, we can have lunch,
we'll watch a movie, and you don't have to think
about any of that. And I'm like, shit, yeah, that
sounds great. So she comes in, picks me up. We
go to hers, We have lunch, it's a fun day,
and then we're looking for a movie. We're sitting there
(15:26):
and I remember the entire time that I was there,
but particularly when we started watching the movie, there was
this deep discomfort. It was like, even though it was
good because I was away from the house, I knew
that I had to come back no matter how long
I spent there. Even if I stayed a couple hours
(15:48):
more after the movie, or if I stayed like at
hers overnight, I would eventually have to come back and
I couldn't do it. So We're about halfway through the
movie and I'm physical shaking by this point. I'm like
it's it's bad. So my friend pauses the movie, looks
at me and goes, ahda, sweetie, please don't.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Lie to me.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Can you tell me what's going on? And like, are
you okay? I turned to her and I say I
can't do another night, and she sits there, she kind
of contemplates for a second. She goes, Okay, what do
we do about that? And I'm like, shit, okay, wow, okay,
this is kind of falling into place. This is insane.
(16:30):
And we go back to my parents' place and are
you going back? Yes? Going? So we slingshot and we
went yeah, yeah, pretty much, just a couple other things,
just a couple of clothes and stuff like that. I know,
I had a gas mask and everything. I was just
(16:50):
entering that railoactive wasteland one last time. It was amazing.
I think we played one more time by dark.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I know, okay, you go back into the walls all right? Yes,
I'm on the presscuts please and car sound effects please. Yes,
I want to set the turne for me.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
So she backs her car in, I open up the
garage store. It's showtime. After that, we walk up to
the door and we give it a big knock. Okay,
it's going to take a sec. Okay, the dog's barking.
They're coming. Oh god, we're actually doing this. And then
they open up the door and the pleasantries begin. Oh hello, yeah,
how hell are you doing here? What? So I sneak
(17:35):
back into my room. My room's in the back of
the house. So's the laundry, so is the back door
to the backyard. I have a threwway to the garage.
I get what is essentially the rest of my life
out of my room into the back of Gen's car
in about twenty minutes while she butters them up.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So what's your favorite color? Oh?
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Pretty much, that's really nice, and.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Thinking the weather is just so cool.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
Sorry, the weather is weathering. It's just twelve seasons, wonderful.
After I have all my stuff in her car, I
go up to the kitchen and I waltz in. I
swagger in. For this it was less of a swagger,
more of a shimmy. And I was jittery, bittery and
not very glittery, and I just kind of go so dinner,
and then she's just like, yeah, yeah, we gotta go.
(18:31):
We end up kind of speed walking to her car.
We shut the doors, and I remember like we wandered
up the windows and We're like pulling out of my
parents driver, and I'm just like, Flori, Florid, Florid, please,
I need to leave. And then like, now my parents
are under the impression that I'm going to dinner with Jen.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
It's a long dinner, it's a station rights, it's just
you know, it's a buffet, it's a while, yes.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
You know what's new experimental dinner.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
Yeah. Basically, because they're still under the impression that I'm
like going out to dinner and stuff like that, we
have to find a way to tell them. So I
ended up drafting a message and if it's all right,
I'm I could just read that to you now. If
it's alright, please hi, Mum and dad. I'm sorry if
the shock it comes as a shock to you both.
(19:26):
But I'll be moving out tonight. I'm safe and careful,
and I do have a place to stay. All of
my belongings that I wish to take with me are
out of the house already. I have discerned and deliberated
on this, and I believe this decision is the best
thing I can do for my own wellbeing. This is
not something I take lightly, and I understand if you
are heard by this, but I think this is the
best thing for our relationship moving forward. I would like
(19:47):
to have time and space separate from us, and I
will contact you when I'm ready. I understand you will
have a lot of questions, but I would like time
to work through some things in my own personal life.
I sincerely hope you can respect that.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
And that was it said. Yeah, that's the phone out
the window.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, at six twenty seven pm. Those
were almost the last words I ever said to my folks,
and they did not respond, and I think that was
probably the best response they ever could have.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
So what's it like being on the other side? Oh,
my god, tell me about it. How's the mirror looking,
how's the reflection?
Speaker 3 (20:24):
Oh it's crystal clear?
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Oh good? Yeah? Good? So yeah, Demmie, what it's been
like being on the other side and being able to
like live your authentic self?
Speaker 3 (20:29):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Because I think it's it's important to also, as we
tell this story, to also show the benefit and the
success and you know what you got to do at
the end of course.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
So I've actually been like actively like helping a lot
of transpaces and stuff like that. I've been going to
a lot of protests and like doing a lot of
activism for a lot of trans causes. Because the one
thing that like being out and open has taught me
is that I'm just again. It's so much happier. And
the thing is, it's just when you live your life
(21:01):
in that same hate, in that restriction, when it's in
pursuit of something that like practically doesn't really exist, in
pursuit of perfection, and you don't accept who you really are,
you begin to atrophy. You're not you. It's just like
you quite literally begin to die. And coming out quite
(21:24):
literally did save my life. And I find that in
being out and proud I've been able to help other people,
I've been able to help myself. One of the things
that I've come to appreciated. One of the examples that
I use about my own happiness is the moments that
I have with like my chosen family, and also the
(21:45):
moments that I have with my partner where I'm at
hers or she's at mine, one of us will be
making dinner and the other one will be just sitting
down relaxing, or we'll be making dinner together. And it's
the fact that I can live in normalcy and in
peace without having to think about it, the fact that
I have worked so hard to get to this point
(22:05):
where I can finally just have a moment where I
can sit down with somebody I love and just have
dinner whilst being the truest I can be.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Arta came in and totally flipped this podcast on its head.
Ow I'm pretty good at uncovering what people are concealing
from three questions.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
But AR don't know if I ever would have guessed
that story. You've been listening to an iHeart Australia production
Conceal It with Artsimone. Listen to more of what you
love on iHeart
Speaker 2 (22:42):
And to check out too Fruity Ike at Work is
check us out on the socials.
Congratulations.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
The best part of your day is happening right now
listening to me. I'm Art Simone, and very soon I'm
going to introduce you to someone interesting, exciting, or maybe
just a little bit querky. They may not seem that
way to begin with.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
But once I use my skills to uncover what they're
concealing from usoof, we're in for a wild ride.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
This is concealed with me, Art Simone. Want to meet
the guests, Well, it's time to roll the tape.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Happy.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Hi. My name is Arta and I'm from Melbourne. I
love art, and in particular I love music and fashion.
Today I'm not concealing a weird job or a strange hobby.
I'm here to tell my story.
Speaker 1 (00:57):
Welcome to the studio.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Now, while the sounds of that, we're flipping it up
a little bit today, is that true?
Speaker 3 (01:04):
Oh indeed?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Oh my goodness, Well, hello, I love you to meet you. Now.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
You've come here with your finest pussy cat strawberry shirt.
Oh absolutely, it's beautiful if you named the pussy.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Yes, John, I don't think that's very confident.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
True true? As of now, John, is there are you
a cat person? Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Indeed?
Speaker 1 (01:29):
Oh, good, do you have a cat?
Speaker 3 (01:30):
Used to Well, technically it was technically my roommates, and
then I moved away and I was like, no.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
No, I am your father.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
But that's okay, all right. So from Melbourne, you're into art, music,
and fashion. Tell me about that please.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Well, I was initially going to study fashion. I've since
changed majors, but I have a keen interest in like fashion.
I particularly enjoy stuff like straight fashion. I like block
silhouettes and that kind of stuff. Chinese straight fashion is
also a big like focus of mine. I've always very
much been a more creative person, especially in my family,
whereas like a lot of them are very nerdy in
(02:08):
terms of like maths and stuff like that. But I'm just, oh,
that looks pretty. I want to know how to make
things look pretty. There's a lot of maths in fashion, no, absolutely, and.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
Maybe it still runs in the blood.
Speaker 3 (02:17):
Oh yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Okay. So and music, tell me about your your musical interests.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
Well, it's fun because my roommate is actually a music
student as well, so we kind of feed off each other.
I love a lot of like new waves stuff in
the eighties. I grew up with a lot of things
like the Cure, the Smiths, Susie and the band Cheese.
That beautiful, that kind of stuff. I also really enjoy
stuff like I'm post punk and like dark wave and
like synth wave as well. But yeah, so I just
(02:45):
love anything that's glossy in neon.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
And speaking of you've got a lovely studded chokra weans.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
We've got some tattoos, thank you very much.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
We've got some lines in your hair. How you used
to get designs drawn in my head?
Speaker 3 (02:58):
Oh my god?
Speaker 1 (02:58):
What are they called? I don't know hair tattoos?
Speaker 3 (03:01):
Yeah, no, like Indians.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
We've got a headress on the hot one.
Speaker 2 (03:04):
Now, can I find a friend?
Speaker 3 (03:08):
No?
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Okay, all right, Yeah, so I'm glad you mentioned music
that I actually understand. That's what you're gonna be like.
I'm really into progressive house car alarms.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
I'm into anti music.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
Yeah, actually, just into the absence of sound.
Speaker 3 (03:22):
Yes, just it's not even silence, it's just it's negative noise.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
All right.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
So we're throwing out the format for the episode today.
I'm not going to be asking you three questions to
try and guess something. You're gonna be telling me a story.
Are you gonna be able to give me a hint
of what you're going to talk to me about today.
Speaker 3 (03:40):
Yes, so some people would say that I was running
away from something, but I like to think I was
running towards something, which is yes, that's That's the vaguest
thing I've ever said.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
It's like a lyric, isn't it.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
I could sit on that for a while. It's like,
you know what's black, white and red all over newspaper.
That's the vibe there.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
So we are throwing out the rule book here today
for Concealed with Utsimon.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
No, no three questions, no salacious secrets hidden away from
me and concealed No.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
We're going in a bit of a story time today.
Oh I like that. It's the shakeup. So we're here
with Arda.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
We've thrown the format out the window for this week's
episode of Concealed, and you've just given me a hint
because you're going to be telling me a story today, okay,
And the hint was something about running away but maybe
running towards. And all I can think of is exercise.
And all I think is you're about to come and
tell me that you're really into fitness. But maybe that's
not the mood of what's happening today?
Speaker 3 (04:57):
Tell me I'm the world champion of Platoon. No Ah,
I am.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
And just like that, Big died.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Jesus Christ actually wrote the really famous episode, and just
like that, everyone hates for me.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
I kill Big.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
It's all good. I am here to tell the story
of how I ran away from home, specifically from a
very heavily religious, like very deep into cuan on household.
Speaker 1 (05:23):
Wow. Yeah, okay, let's get into it there.
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Yeah. So, given that I've just kind of lumped that
on you, just like a grand piano from twenty feet
in the sky, I will give some backgrounds. So yeah, obviously,
I grew up Roman Catholic in a very conservative kind
of side of town. It was a very diverse out
of town. I'm actually half indied myself, and I was
exposed to like diversity and stuff through that, but when
it came to stuff like queerness, completely shut off. And
(05:50):
that's kind of like where that all began. Because I've
I've been very gay from the very beginning. They've been tried,
they tried to hide it, and it was just kind
of like no, like are you like yes, it's just
like you I've seen like there's photos of me as
little man. I'm like, oh, oh she queer, she fruity
with the strawberries on my shirt. Yeah anyway, but yes.
So combined that with the timeline of me figuring out
(06:12):
that I was trans and figuring out that like, oh,
I'm very much into women, it was just like kind
of this cocktail of me slowly realizing oh, I have
to leave, and it all kind of came to a
head in my brother had just flown down from New
South Wales. He's in the army, so he was just
up there for a bit. He came back down and,
(06:34):
like I remember, because he was there, it was like
having someone who had been outside of the house for
a while, who had been exposed to, like, you know,
the normal world. It was like a light switch because
I kind of realized, oh my god, this is not
how a normal house functions, this is not how we're
supposed to function as a family. And that was like
(06:56):
my complete cue that I like certainly needed to get out.
Another factor was also because my parents were deeply into
the QAnon stuff.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Can you give a bit of background of what q
and on is?
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Oh? Yeah, of course, So q and on is basically
this conspiracy theory. It's connected to a lot of other
conspiracy theories, but the main kind of head of it
is that there's this mythical person who's referred to as
Q and apparently they're like an XCIA person and that's
how they know all this stuff, and they're giving us
all these cryptic codes, and they're making like almost this idea,
(07:29):
this myth that like we're all kind of neo and
we're in the matrix and we all need to leave
and oh my yeah, it's justikes.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Yes, paper, it sounds really believable.
Speaker 3 (07:39):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, it's just I was like hook Land
and sink a Soul. It was just like, oh my god.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
So it was very intense, and I was like one
of those things where I got a job and that
was my first introduction to what the world looks like,
like what the real world was, because all I'd ever
been really exposed was this kind of coddled Catholic ideal.
For context, I was also homeschooled, so oh yeah, okay,
we're deep in the Bible belting. I know we're trapped inside. Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
How does that feel for you when when you're coming
to terms with who you know, you are on the inside,
but you're also surrounded in this environment and not able
to see, you know, really get any exposure from the
outside world.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
What is that like?
Speaker 3 (08:26):
Oh, it's like, for a physical example, it's like having
like a foggy mirror. It's like there's something that there
is still a wett of you, but you can't quite
see it. But it's like, you know, when you get
out of the shower and you try to wipe a
foggy mirror clean, but it's like it doesn't quite do it,
and it still drips and everything. You still can't see it,
and it's you can rub as hard as you can
with your hands, but you can't. It's never going to
(08:48):
be completely clear. It's like there was missing pieces and
being so isolated felt like it was like when you're
in that environment, it's kind of like you're again with
the cats. It's I remember hearing hearing an example of
something not quite being right, and it's like it's like
(09:09):
you're a blind cat that you have even though you
have one of your senses removed from you, there's still
this instinct that there's something there that that shouldn't be there.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
So you get you get a job, Yes, and you're
in the real world.
Speaker 3 (09:25):
I actually coincidentally got a job in the city, which
was instrumental in me getting out because that's real life.
Oh yeah, and that's where I meet my very first
like queer people. I remember meeting a quick couple who
actually eventually got married, and I met the very first
trance person I ever met. She was really influential to
me because it was in seeing real life that I
(09:47):
started to really again crack started showing because what I
was told about.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
Gay people growing up, like the Truman Show. Oh yeah,
that's another analogy for you. Yes, you've been living on
your little Truman show.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
You're like, wait a second, Yeah, this is something's not
quite right.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
This isn't correct.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
Yeah, no, real and it's like you start to see it.
But specifically, something that I was told about gay people
growing up was that it's purely carnal. It's not love,
I know, And that's something that's that was really hard
because yeah, I know, right. That was directly challenged by
what I saw in that workplace, seeing that couple work,
(10:25):
seeing them the way they spoke to each other, the
way they treated each other, and in doing that, the
way they supported the team. It was with absolute just
adoration and affection, and I was like, it was just
like it directly challenged everything. I haven't even started to
rock that.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Are you already at this stage thinking I have to
start unlearning some of these what I've been told.
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Not yet. Not when I started that job.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Were you used to like, oh, that's good for them,
but not to me.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
Yeah, and not even that. It was just kind of like,
I'm living a holy life. I'm living the good life,
and these people as happy as they look, they're happier
than me, But that doesn't matter. This is the truth,
and I have to be happy with that. And I
kind of put on this brave face, if you will.
By that point, I actually left school and working was
the only thing I had. I really started to examine
(11:12):
what I was being fed and the fact that I
was being lied to. I started seeing the hate. I
started spending every hour I could away from the house.
I used to work eight hour shifts and even when
I was like at in the city at the twenty
four hour location. I remember being sixteen years old and
I used to turn a four hour shift into a
ten hour shift, and even after that, I'd stay up
(11:34):
in the office because I just didn't want to go home,
and I did that day in day out. I got
in contact with my brother who had left home already.
Their name is Tommy, and they were a massive help,
and we met up secretly in the city and then
we sat down and we talked and I was like,
you know, our parents are are bloody crazy, and like, yeah, no,
(11:55):
I was waiting for you to figure it out because
I knew you would eventually, and it was amazing. But
after hanging out with them, it was just like the
longer I stayed, the more I realized that it was
just like it was so toxic and it was just hateful,
and it was exhausting to be there.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
At this point. Had you now come into your queerness?
Speaker 3 (12:19):
Oh no, definitely. I was still very much closeted. There
was an attempt to come out that was shut down
very quickly.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Being out in the world and working had you at
least though, like started to think, Okay, I'm beginning to
understand who I am.
Speaker 3 (12:33):
Yes, I was very scared by it, and I used
to like I used to equivocate like hell. I remember
in the very early stages one of the things I
used to say about myself was that I was I'm
not transgender. I just have gender dysphoria and that makes
me mentally ill. So and that's how I used to
justify it, which is horrific and horrible. Yeah, oh quite literally. Yeah.
(12:56):
But eventually it just started kind of peeling away and
I realized, Oh, this is just kind of who I am.
The sexuality and stuff like that was something that came
along later when I was out of the house, but
the gender stuff was always just something that there's always
been an incongruence for me and my understanding of gender
and stuff like that. I've always kind of realized that
(13:17):
it's been slightly different to my peers, and especially like
given like the fact that I used to go to
like an all girls youth group and stuff like that,
and it was just kind of like, oh, their understanding
of what it means to be themselves is so different
to me. And it's just like, on a basic fundamental level,
I'm not a woman, but I don't understand like I
thought I was a man for a long time, and
(13:39):
I was like, I don't know what the hell to
do with this, because it's just like you have to
box it away and just kind of compartmentalize and explain
it away. So I devised a plan. I had a
day to myself one day where I didn't have work,
where I sat in my room and I figured out
what I was taking with me and what I wasn't
And every day when i'd wake up for five in
(13:59):
the morning to go to a shift at, I was
about to say the chain name, I'm not going to
do that. Every time i'd go to work, I ca, yeah, yes,
there we go. And every time i'd go to make
meeples that I care. Every time I would do that,
I would carpool with another friend from work and we'd
go to work. I'd take a shoe box full of
(14:19):
my stuff, and slowly I started taking pretty much my
entire life with me and I got like one of
the first things I ended up getting out was my documents,
so like my birthsert, and I held it at one
of my friend's house. It was held at the friend
that used to like stick with me outside of my parents' house.
And basically I was slowly feeding myself away out until
(14:42):
I was invited to a mate's house. And this friend
is also just like amazing, And I remember having a
phone conversation with her, like a couple weeks before, and
I was just like, I can't do this. I hate
this house. I feel unloved, and like I know I'm unloved,
specifically because of the way they like treat me, the
way they speak about people like me, of like my
queerness and stuff like that. My friend feels really bad
(15:03):
for me after that phone call and is like, you know,
let's organize a day that's just for you. You can come
to mind, stay for a few hours, we can have lunch,
we'll watch a movie, and you don't have to think
about any of that. And I'm like, shit, yeah, that
sounds great. So she comes in, picks me up. We
go to hers, We have lunch, it's a fun day,
and then we're looking for a movie. We're sitting there
(15:26):
and I remember the entire time that I was there,
but particularly when we started watching the movie, there was
this deep discomfort. It was like, even though it was
good because I was away from the house, I knew
that I had to come back no matter how long
I spent there. Even if I stayed a couple hours
(15:48):
more after the movie, or if I stayed like at
hers overnight, I would eventually have to come back and
I couldn't do it. So We're about halfway through the
movie and I'm physical shaking by this point. I'm like
it's it's bad. So my friend pauses the movie, looks
at me and goes, ahda, sweetie, please don't.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Lie to me.
Speaker 3 (16:10):
Can you tell me what's going on? And like, are
you okay? I turned to her and I say I
can't do another night, and she sits there, she kind
of contemplates for a second. She goes, Okay, what do
we do about that? And I'm like, shit, okay, wow, okay,
this is kind of falling into place. This is insane.
(16:30):
And we go back to my parents' place and are
you going back? Yes? Going? So we slingshot and we
went yeah, yeah, pretty much, just a couple other things,
just a couple of clothes and stuff like that. I know,
I had a gas mask and everything. I was just
(16:50):
entering that railoactive wasteland one last time. It was amazing.
I think we played one more time by dark.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I know, okay, you go back into the walls all right? Yes,
I'm on the presscuts please and car sound effects please. Yes,
I want to set the turne for me.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
So she backs her car in, I open up the
garage store. It's showtime. After that, we walk up to
the door and we give it a big knock. Okay,
it's going to take a sec. Okay, the dog's barking.
They're coming. Oh god, we're actually doing this. And then
they open up the door and the pleasantries begin. Oh hello, yeah,
how hell are you doing here? What? So I sneak
(17:35):
back into my room. My room's in the back of
the house. So's the laundry, so is the back door
to the backyard. I have a threwway to the garage.
I get what is essentially the rest of my life
out of my room into the back of Gen's car
in about twenty minutes while she butters them up.
Speaker 1 (17:52):
So what's your favorite color? Oh?
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Pretty much, that's really nice, and.
Speaker 1 (18:02):
Thinking the weather is just so cool.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
Sorry, the weather is weathering. It's just twelve seasons, wonderful.
After I have all my stuff in her car, I
go up to the kitchen and I waltz in. I
swagger in. For this it was less of a swagger,
more of a shimmy. And I was jittery, bittery and
not very glittery, and I just kind of go so dinner,
and then she's just like, yeah, yeah, we gotta go.
(18:31):
We end up kind of speed walking to her car.
We shut the doors, and I remember like we wandered
up the windows and We're like pulling out of my
parents driver, and I'm just like, Flori, Florid, Florid, please,
I need to leave. And then like, now my parents
are under the impression that I'm going to dinner with Jen.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
It's a long dinner, it's a station rights, it's just
you know, it's a buffet, it's a while, yes.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
You know what's new experimental dinner.
Speaker 3 (19:06):
Yeah. Basically, because they're still under the impression that I'm
like going out to dinner and stuff like that, we
have to find a way to tell them. So I
ended up drafting a message and if it's all right,
I'm I could just read that to you now. If
it's alright, please hi, Mum and dad. I'm sorry if
the shock it comes as a shock to you both.
(19:26):
But I'll be moving out tonight. I'm safe and careful,
and I do have a place to stay. All of
my belongings that I wish to take with me are
out of the house already. I have discerned and deliberated
on this, and I believe this decision is the best
thing I can do for my own wellbeing. This is
not something I take lightly, and I understand if you
are heard by this, but I think this is the
best thing for our relationship moving forward. I would like
(19:47):
to have time and space separate from us, and I
will contact you when I'm ready. I understand you will
have a lot of questions, but I would like time
to work through some things in my own personal life.
I sincerely hope you can respect that.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
And that was it said. Yeah, that's the phone out
the window.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, at six twenty seven pm. Those
were almost the last words I ever said to my folks,
and they did not respond, and I think that was
probably the best response they ever could have.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
So what's it like being on the other side? Oh,
my god, tell me about it. How's the mirror looking,
how's the reflection?
Speaker 3 (20:24):
Oh it's crystal clear?
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Oh good? Yeah? Good? So yeah, Demmie, what it's been
like being on the other side and being able to
like live your authentic self?
Speaker 3 (20:29):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Because I think it's it's important to also, as we
tell this story, to also show the benefit and the
success and you know what you got to do at
the end of course.
Speaker 3 (20:40):
So I've actually been like actively like helping a lot
of transpaces and stuff like that. I've been going to
a lot of protests and like doing a lot of
activism for a lot of trans causes. Because the one
thing that like being out and open has taught me
is that I'm just again. It's so much happier. And
the thing is, it's just when you live your life
(21:01):
in that same hate, in that restriction, when it's in
pursuit of something that like practically doesn't really exist, in
pursuit of perfection, and you don't accept who you really are,
you begin to atrophy. You're not you. It's just like
you quite literally begin to die. And coming out quite
(21:24):
literally did save my life. And I find that in
being out and proud I've been able to help other people,
I've been able to help myself. One of the things
that I've come to appreciated. One of the examples that
I use about my own happiness is the moments that
I have with like my chosen family, and also the
(21:45):
moments that I have with my partner where I'm at
hers or she's at mine, one of us will be
making dinner and the other one will be just sitting
down relaxing, or we'll be making dinner together. And it's
the fact that I can live in normalcy and in
peace without having to think about it, the fact that
I have worked so hard to get to this point
(22:05):
where I can finally just have a moment where I
can sit down with somebody I love and just have
dinner whilst being the truest I can be.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Arta came in and totally flipped this podcast on its head.
Ow I'm pretty good at uncovering what people are concealing
from three questions.
Speaker 1 (22:32):
But AR don't know if I ever would have guessed
that story. You've been listening to an iHeart Australia production
Conceal It with Artsimone. Listen to more of what you
love on iHeart
Speaker 2 (22:42):
And to check out too Fruity Ike at Work is
check us out on the socials.
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