October 14, 2025 • 57 mins
Tricia Fitzgerald brings a deeply personal and candid perspective to the experiences of long-term caregiving within a family affected by chronic illness. Drawing from over two decades of advocacy and professional work supporting children and families, Tricia’s story is rooted in her own journey—beginning with undiagnosed chronic illness symptoms as a child and culminating in the late discovery of Ankylosing Spondylitis and rheumatoid arthritis in adulthood. These diagnoses not only shaped her own life but also set the stage for her caregiving journey when several of her six children began exhibiting similar autoimmune conditions, adding layers of both challenge and resilience to her role as a mother and advocate.
Through her story, Tricia highlights the complexities of navigating the medical system, including the frequent dismissal of symptoms, gender disparities in medical treatment, and the persistent need to advocate fiercely for proper diagnoses and care. She candidly shares the toll caregiving takes on personal well-being, marriage, and professional life, while emphasizing how communication, mutual support, and humor—such as the family’s use of “mashed potatoes” or “mockingbird” as de-escalation cues—have fortified her marriage and family bonds. Tricia also reflects on the importance of self-care, finding joy in small moments, and encouraging her children to develop their own voices as advocates as they transition into adulthood.
Her journey is one of perseverance, love, and a relentless pursuit of both care and authenticity, making her story both inspiring and deeply relatable for caregivers everywhere.
About Tricia:
Tricia Fitzgerald, M.Ed., is a seasoned leader in social and family services with over 20 years of experience in education, advocacy, and program management. As the Program Director for Maryville Crisis Nursery, she oversees critical services for families in crisis. Her expertise is further honed by her role as Adjunct Faculty in the College of Education at DePaul University, where she has trained and supervised aspiring teachers since 2005.
Tricia is also the founder of Gentle Beginning, Inc., through which she provided childbirth education, doula services, and family advocacy for a decade. Her professional passion for supporting families is deeply personal; as a mother of six children, all with chronic health conditions, she brings unparalleled empathy and firsthand knowledge to her work. Tricia is a dedicated advocate, committed to ensuring every child and family has the resources and support they need to thrive.
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Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Natalie (00:03):
Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the
Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver. Podcast. On the show,
you'll hear caregiversconfessing the good, the bad and
the completely unexpected.
You're guaranteed to relate, beinspired. Lead with helpful tips
and resources, and, of course,laugh. Now let's get to today's
confession. Hey Jay, good
JJ (00:30):
morning. Natalie, how are you doing? If you're watching
the YouTube video, you'llprobably be able to see that I
scratch my forehead twice. Itlooked
Natalie (00:41):
like I am. I didn't know if you were going to
mention that to everybody andall of our friends, because I
was going to mention it, becauseI was worried that people would
not, they we'd be talking aboutthis forehead of yours and the
assault that you did
JJ (00:54):
on myself. It okay? It actually get the YouTube video.
Hopefully they won't. They won'tpost these
Natalie (00:59):
photos. Get closer to your camera so everybody can see
it well? And it's,
JJ (01:03):
you know, our guest said, it's not that bad. My hair is on
the mic. It's not that bad. ButI impelled myself. I impaled
myself with my fingernail.
Natalie (01:11):
This is what happens when you grow your nails out.
You know, it's trying to befancy, but it didn't work. So
I'm going to trim them all, andI'm glad you part your hair that
way, because away so that, thatway it's fully visible. I'm done
with, like, if you could justput an arrow in the video. It's
like Beetlejuice with thearrows. I'm done with, okay, but
(01:33):
we're not here to talk aboutyour forehead, which is
considerable, or the scratchthat you did.
JJ (01:39):
I'm gonna go be Tricia his best friend and ask her to be my
sister, because I
Natalie (01:44):
love you. She does. I want to tell you guys
JJ (01:47):
about today's guest because she's pretty amazing. I just
want to say that she couldconceivably be my hero. And some
of the things she says, Theycrack me up, because she uses
words that I use, and she's justvery truthful. So today we've
got with us Tricia Fitzgerald.
Get ready, guys. She's aneducator and advocate and a
community leader with more than20 years of experience
(02:08):
supporting children andfamilies, but she spent a
lifetime as well, those sameyears caring for her own family.
So Tricia started her personalcaregiving journey in 2003 when
her first child was born, ittook years of advocacy and
persistence to get a diagnosisfor that daughter. When her
second daughter was born, Trishaadded a caregiving journey in
(02:29):
addition to traditionalparenting for her, this daughter
was diagnosed with an autoimmuneinflammatory arthritis. Since
that diagnosis in 2050
Natalie (02:40):
going to tell everybody all that, hold on, three more of
her children
JJ (02:43):
receive that same diagnosis.
So this what Trisha says, theytickle me. She says my
caregiving journey is certainlyoverwhelming, disheartening and
chaotic at times, and itcertainly requires high levels
of organization and tons of Spahere's my favorite. While we all
experience some pretty awfuldays due to our conditions, I
focus on modeling how it is okayto not be okay, but it's
(03:05):
important to not get stuck inthe yuckiness of forever.
Yuckiness is one of my words,Trisha, and I am so happy to
have you here with us today.
Unknown (03:16):
I'm so happy to be here. You have no idea. I've
been watching your podcast, andI absolutely love it. So thanks
for having me.
Natalie (03:24):
Oh, thank you. Thank you for being here. Well, you
know, I try to get JJ not totell all the details so that you
actually have a story.
Otherwise, it's like, well, thatwas fast for a second, and we're
done.
JJ (03:35):
There's a lot to this one.
Get ready. Well, that's true,
Natalie (03:39):
and JJ also didn't give the spoiler away, and because it
actually didn't start with kids,and that's the part that's
really interesting. And so Ithink that lived experience this
is going to be such. This is aunique episode, because we talk
about traditional parenting,versus what happens when you
have children who have specialneeds. And special needs is the
(03:59):
broadest of broad categories.
And so if you really think aboutit, it doesn't mean they have
intellectual disabilities or anyone particular thing, because
most people think special needsand they think disabilities. And
so I think we this is what Ilove about the podcast, is just
the diversity of people andtheir caregiving experiences.
Because somebody is going tohear this story and they're
going to be like, Oh, that's me.
(04:22):
And so, so I will stop flappingand let Trisha. Let Trisha go
ahead and start telling us herstory. And so start from the
beginning. You were born, andthen, kind of like, you know,
tell us about your
Unknown (04:33):
background. I was born in the late 70s during attack.
So I am from a suburb outside ofChicago, and I have an older
brother and an older sister.
Amazing parents, God rest theirsouls. And you know, I think, as
you can probably understand,that was a time. Well, even now
today, it's difficult to have achronic illness and get that
diagnosed, especially forchildren. So I don't have
(04:55):
confirmation of this because Iwasn't diagnosed. As a child,
but I'm fairly certain that myjourney with my chronic illness
began when I was a child. So Ibegan having symptoms when I was
in the fourth grade, just a lotof tenderness and pain in my
joints, in my hips and my kneesand my ankles, you know, all of
that. And I kept being told itwas growing pains. I think
(05:15):
that's the story of a lot ofyoung people and adults who
later get diagnosed, I had a lotof fatigue that beyond the you
know, I went to soccer practice,and now I'm tired like fatigue.
Fatigue like I always felt likeI had that flu. So I'm not, I
don't want to say I was blownoff, but I definitely did not
get listened to by medicalprofessionals. Now my parents. I
(05:38):
mean, of course, my mom wasnurturing, and my dad was
lovely, and, you know, theydidn't understand what what I
was going through. I don't thinkon a lot of levels, but they,
it's not that they weren'tlistening. It's just, you know,
it's the parameters of themedical system. Yeah. So it was
not until my late 30s that I wasdiagnosed with Ankylosing
Spondylitis that my childrenhave. And actually, it turns out
(06:01):
that my husband has a similar hehas a genetic predisposition,
predisposition to all of this,so he also brought that to the
table. So again, I think I havea juvenile form. I'm not 100%
sure, but now that I havemultiple children with it, it's
pretty obvious to me that that'swhat's going on, yeah, the
(06:21):
combination of what I brought inand then my husband, but yeah,
so as a young adult, so as ateenager, I was told I was just
doing too much, you know,president of the club and
playing soccer and all of that.
Okay, so I tried to pare down alittle bit, you know, as much as
we can when we're, like, thethree of us, I did a lot, yeah,
and then get to college. Oh,you're just taking too many
(06:43):
classes. You know, there wasalways a reason. Then I start
having children. Oh, you're justa tired, busy new mom. So it was
really, it was probably ajourney a lot of people go
through, right? Just feelinglike you're saying all of the
things you're advocating foryourself, but you're not
necessarily being heard. But thegood news is, I did get
diagnosed. Finally, late 30sAnkylosing Spondylitis have now
(07:06):
added a second diagnosis, whichis juvenile. I'm sorry, not
juvenile. That's wishfulthinking. No. So now I also have
rheumatoid arthritis added tothe mix. So it's like, join the
party. Why not? Like, here wego. Let's have another
autoimmune
Natalie (07:20):
What's one more? Yeah, what's one more? I've always
been an
Unknown (07:23):
overachiever. So here we go. Might as well get
JJ (07:28):
Natalie and I are both going to say it wait till you hit
menopause. It's going to takeforever for them to diagnose
that
Unknown (07:35):
I'm pretty close diagnose that you're not
Natalie (07:39):
telling you right now, this left shoulder is not the
same. The sweats aren't here.
This left shoulder, the jointpain for those ladies that are
listening, it's real and it'snot frozen shoulder. Cortisone
shot won't fix estrogen anyway,sorry. We digress. Well, that is
not this kind of podcast, butyou're saying the
Unknown (07:58):
thing, like we get told these, diagnoses. Oh, it's
fibromyalgia, which is real,don't get me wrong, but it's
like, dismissive diagnoses,right? Like it's frozen a
shoulder, it's this, is that? Sothat was the start of my
journey. So I was not a strangerto it once I started having
children, that's for darn sure.
Yeah, well,
Natalie (08:14):
and if you really think about it, and this is, I think a
lot of caregivers can relate tothis, whether you're current or
past or and this is a thing.
Here's your tipsies. For thosewho are thinking about in the
future, you're gonna have to doa lot of explaining and really
pushing people to hear you, andthen when something doesn't pass
the sniff test, keep going. AndI think you know what I hear you
(08:35):
saying, and I'm not surprisedthat your PCP, and especially
your pediatrician potentiallymissed it, because a lot of a
lot of folks are generalpractitioners, and they are used
to seeing the normal 8020 andyou fell into the 20% you fell
into the 20% and then your kidsgot to fall into the 100%
because you're they probablyasked for their money back from
(08:56):
you. And you're like, really,come on, people. I mean, I
asked, I mean, I do that withJay all the time, but, um, so,
so let me, let me back up first.
So you had these illnesses, oryou had these symptoms.
Actually, it's the better wordsthis. You had these. You've
lived with symptoms, and youprobably live with some level of
pain and fatigue your entirelife, but you move right along.
(09:19):
You go to college. At what pointdo you meet your husband and and
when the kids start coming alongand all that good jazz?
Unknown (09:26):
So finished college, was shortly out of college,
trying to figure out what Iwanted to be when I grew up. PS,
still trying to figure that out.
So everybody right? So we canrelate, at least the most
interesting people I know arestill trying to figure it out,
well into Yeah, later in life,but I met my husband. It's
actually kind of a fun story. SoI was in between jobs. I started
out with a non profit. I likedit, but I also hated it. So I
(09:48):
was like, okay, something has tochange. So, and I'm really proud
of my younger self by the waythat I figured that out and I
made that move, I have to keepremembering who that person was
when I'm in the middle ofsomething. But I'm like, why am
I still doing this? So I leavethis one job, and I'm like, am I
going to go to grad school? Whatam I going to do? I knew I
needed to pay rent and eat thatthat's what I did know, right?
(10:08):
So I heard on the radio stationthat they were looking for
extras like for filming inChicago, and I thought, I'll try
that out. Like, I don't want tobe an actor, but I do want to
eat. Okay, all right, like Isaid, So I became an extra and I
met some people through that,and somehow got myself invited
to a rap party. They're called,so it was like the end of a
(10:30):
movie. It was a Steve Martinmovie with who else was in it,
Laura Dern. Was called Novocain,anyhow, so my best friend is
going and I'm going. And I mether through the extra work, and
I answered the door for thepeople picking us up. And that
was my now husband, so he wasstanding there. But the best
part of the story is one, Ididn't want to go to this party.
I felt, I thought I was thethird wheel, and I was like, I
(10:53):
don't want to go. But then Iwalk away from the door, I go up
these winding stairs because shewas house sitting this beautiful
house. And I said they're here,and the guy driving is so cute,
or actually, he wasn't driving.
He was the passenger. Butwhatever I go the guy, the guy
who just was at the door, is socute. It echoes through the
entire house. Oh, so I'm like, Ican't go back down there. But I
(11:16):
did. I went down there. We met,and the rest is history. So
we've been together since 2000and at the time, the reason why
my husband was there, he didlighting and special effects on
movies. So the reason I bringthat up is he's now a police
sergeant, so
Natalie (11:32):
he did a little, I mean, that naturally fit right
into it. So he maybe he's on thefirst 48 maybe he's on all of
our crime shows, I mean Chicago.
PD, I mean, we, we throw out allthe names here, right? So he is
a real police officer, for realdeal.
Unknown (11:45):
One, he's a creative so it's just really interesting
that shift that he made, right?
But it definitely helps him outon the streets, being a sergeant
and being more of the creativemind. So yeah, so that's how we
met. We've been together allthat time and have six children
together.
Natalie (12:01):
So, oh, I love that.
And I and, and you've got like,I love that. You're, I feel like
you're all our Irish Catholic.
Are you Irish Catholic? I feeleveryone asked
Unknown (12:10):
us that with all the kids, but that probably, but we
lived in an Irish Catholicneighborhood for the very
beginning of our Well, when westarted having children, and it
wasn't uncommon for someone tohave six kids, definitely, but
Natalie (12:24):
no, of course, her dad was the fire chief New York
City, and there's six of them.
They're all Irish, Catholic. Imean, just blonde, hot hair. I
mean, honestly, that's alwayslike Chicago Irish. I mean, it
just naturally fits. Again,caregiving podcast, but we're
getting there. People calm downwell,
Unknown (12:39):
and so, so I'm a teacher and he's a cop. Like, we
couldn't be more cliche if weeven tried.
Natalie (12:44):
So I didn't notice that. I think that's pretty
magic. And you got a ton ofkids. I mean, basically, and I'm
gonna tell you right now, wewere talking to somebody else
the other day, they only hadfive kids. I'm like, Dude, you
needed one more for the sixthcoming off the bench. You just
needed one more for basketball.
I mean, like you gotta have thesix players. I mean, I'm just
saying extra spend number six.
(13:04):
So anyway, so you all are movingalong, you are having and you
get in and you get pregnant, andyou have a baby, and so then
what happens? Because carestarts coming in pretty early
after you have your firstnugget.
Unknown (13:20):
It does, you know, immediately I thought, what
happens? I remember thisdistinct moment when the nurses
all walked out, because, I mean,we could talk for hours, ladies,
like the story of my firstdaughter's birth, like we barely
got there in time, but my laborwas like days long. So that was
a whole thing. There was likenine nurses in the room. It was
amazing and chaotic. It wasbasically a metaphor for our
entire life and family lifetogether. It was like, of
(13:43):
course, that's how it went, um,but my husband and I look at
each other and it's quiet forthe first time in forever, and I
said, What do we do now?
Natalie (13:54):
I brought home a puppy
Unknown (13:56):
like, like and like, we're in charge.
Natalie (13:59):
What a responsibility.
Apparently, that's what I hear.
No So,
Unknown (14:04):
so from the like, literally, the moment she was
born, that we knew something wasamiss, like she was amazing, but
she was she rolled, let me putit this way, she rolled over on
her first day of life, and noone ever believes me. I'm not
kidding you. She was sohypertonic. She rolled over in
her isolette. The doctors werelike, Did that just happen?
Yeah, so that that should havebeen everyone's first clue
(14:26):
something was going on. So therewas just a lot in with our first
child that, again, was amazing,but we're red flags, and I so I
have my master's in earlychildhood development. So it's
that balance of, if you read toomany books and you know too
much, you can get in your ownway. So I was trying not to be
that mom, like, oh, every burpshe does, is there a problem?
(14:49):
But there was clearly somethinghappening. And so it was a
journey of going to our PCPsaying, I know I'm hearing you
say that she's just maybe ahigh. Your need be. But like, it
just had to keep pushing andpushing and pushing. So it took
us four and a half years to geta diagnosis for that one, and
along the whole way, wonderingif I was crazy, still wonder on
(15:11):
a daily basis. Oh yeah, crazy.
Natalie (15:12):
I mean, that's relatively speaking, but at the
beginning because, but here'sthe funny thing though, is that
if you think about mamas withwho have their first children. I
mean, because JJ turned outreally great, and I think my mom
was just tired after trying todeal with Jay, and then by the
time we got to Emily, I mean,I'm glad she's alive and so, but
(15:32):
you put so much focus in. And soI like the fact that you said,
hey, look, my background is, isin childhood development and our
child development. And so I'mlooking at it and reading all
the books and trying to be agreat mom, and, and, and, and,
and so it doesn't it makes sensethat you'd be like, am I
overthinking this? Right? Andyou must wonder, would have been
(15:53):
the same? And the answer isprobably yes, because you'd have
been like, this is not the sameas the first
Unknown (15:58):
well, it was when, when my second came along. So that
was, that was an interestingtime. I was five months
postpartum. I had just maybestarted sleeping, found out I
was pregnant with my second, andthat was, that was a moment. I
had a lot of moments. I waslike, but was obviously so
thankful, you know, when shecame along, but she was a
(16:19):
typically developing baby,whatever that means. But I
thought she was broken. I, like,literally thought she was broken
because she was sleeping and shewas eating, she was doing all of
the things that a baby should bedoing, even more crazy. Because
I'm like, why am I staring ather while she sleeps, like,
making sure she's breathing? AndI took her to the doctor, and
I'm like, There's somethingwrong with her. She's broken.
(16:40):
They're like, What do you mean?
She's going right along withevery I said, well, because this
is my first and then this one,and that's when I think it
really started to shine a light,like we got, we it still took
until my daughter was four and ahalf, so it still took a little
bit of time. But that's when,you know, you're not supposed to
compare your kids. But when youhave one who's typically
developing, and you have one whohas things going on, you know,
(17:01):
it really, shone a light onthere. And then my second
daughter did not get thatdiagnosis until the juvenile
arthritis, until she was infourth grade, I believe. But we
started to see things like withher motor development, all of
that that led us down that path.
But as a baby, it was justthose, those differences, right?
And so it really helped me go,you know what my instincts were,
(17:21):
right with the first one?
Natalie (17:23):
Listening to the mama instinct, listen, I'm gonna
wait. I need to pause this. Ineed to pause this just for a
second. Because I don't I'm notsurprised. We're already time
for our first break. More kidscoming, people, we'll be right
back.
Unknown (17:36):
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JJ (18:11):
All right, everybody, we are back here with Trisha. Trisha
Fitzgerald, we got two kids sofar. That's what we're talking
about. We're talking about kidswith special diagnosis. So I'm
going to back up here, notreally back up, but I'm going to
pause, and I'm going to talkabout where your all's lives
are. So you got two kids? Oh,good question. And yeah, so tell
me where you are. First of all,is your husband? You know? Is he
(18:33):
a police officer? Yeah, you'reteaching, like, what are you
guys doing? Because I knowyou're doing, like, advocacy.
You're like, what is ourdiagnosis? How are you feeling
because you've in life, gottendifferent diagnosis? How are
y'all feeling? What are
Unknown (18:45):
you doing? So I was a teacher when I had my first I
was teaching in the ChicagoPublic Schools, and my husband
was still doing the film and TVwork. It just became almost like
a full time job trying to figureout what was going on with my
firstborn, and then finding outI was pregnant again, so I ended
up coming out of the classroom.
No longer was doing that, butstill needed to well needed
(19:05):
probably isn't the word. Wantedto do something outside of the
home, but also be completelypresent. So I ended up starting
my own business. I became adoula and a childbirth educator
and an early childhoodconsultant. So I created a
business, and I think that Isupported close to 300 families
in that journey, from the time Istarted it right after, I think
(19:27):
I was pregnant with my thirdactually, all the way until, I
think, right before I had mylast child. Yeah, I don't know
it's all fuzzy, but in that timeI did that, and I also was
working part time at night atthe University where I had gone
and got my masters. So I wasteaching. I was teaching
teachers how to teach,basically, is the easiest way to
(19:50):
put it in, supervising studentteachers. So that's where I was.
My husband actually had justtransitioned into becoming a
police officer, so a. Lot oftransition, and then we moved to
a new house that was the IrishCatholic neighborhood I was
talking about. So just a lot ofexciting things happening, but,
but a lot on top of it all. Sonow I have two girls, and then
find out I'm pregnant with mywell, actually, I ended up
(20:13):
losing and having a miscarriage,which I come to find out, is
part of my auto women, I'm at amuch higher risk, but a lot of
women have them, right? Like,I'm not dismissing it or
minimizing, but like, it wasjust something that I was like,
Okay, well, it was always arisk, right? So I had a loss,
and then thankfully, gotpregnant again and had my third
daughter, so now we have threegirls, and everything was
Natalie (20:37):
awesome. We also believe three girls are awesome.
Yeah,
Unknown (20:39):
that's why, that's why I highlighted it. We had three
girls. Things were great, butthen it started to see more and
more symptoms. You know, in thesecond born. Didn't see anything
in the third born yet, butthat's where we were. Yeah, it
was exciting time. I wasexhausted all the time, but it
was exciting.
Natalie (20:55):
I would say you were because you're dealing with your
own chronic illness. You'redealing with a baby, the oldest,
who's got has a diagnosis atthis point, you've got the
middle that's demonstrating, I'massuming, what are the age
differences between all thekids,
Unknown (21:10):
15 months between the first two, and then she had 22
months between the second andthird. And I had, like I said,
that early loss in there, so Iwas basically pregnant the
entire time. Like I had a shortreprieve in there.
Natalie (21:23):
You just keep having kids every, every two years or
so. I like the stair step. We'reall stair stepped, like we're
all two years apart, right?
Unknown (21:31):
Was like, what is that?
JJ (21:33):
I said the OB GYN was like, hey, Trisha,
Natalie (21:36):
keeping us in business and
Unknown (21:38):
sending my kids to college, we were on a first name
basis. People would look like, Ihad six heads. The nurses would
be like, you called her that.
Yeah, you know, we're besties.
Natalie (21:47):
You know, here's my question. A lot of people would
say, you've got kids that havethese illnesses, right? These
are chronic illnesses, and atsome point, because you you
ultimately, you and your husbandhave six children. The question
is, is, at some point, do youall say, do should we not have
kids? Should we, like, should wenot have kids? Because we seem
(22:08):
to keep having children thathave these illnesses. I don't
know the answer to that. That'swhy I'm asking, because I think
right, a lot of people could askthat question. Oh, absolutely.
So I don't
Unknown (22:17):
know if it's thankfully or not. We didn't really find
out that it was autoimmune,until my second one was in
fourth grade, and we were justhaving baby after baby after
baby. So by that point we, and Idon't even know what year that
was, I think we probably alreadyhad all six, or maybe five of
six were out of the barn at thatpoint, right? Exactly, and
(22:37):
thanks. I feel like it'sthankfully because if I'm being
real, and I sure I can be here.
I don't know that I would havekept having kids like they are
my biggest joy. They're what Ilive for. I wouldn't change
anything. But I don't know itmight have made me pause. But at
the same time, we have learnedto live with what we have going
on, and it's not, you know, wetry to focus on the positive
(23:01):
parts of it, so I don't know,but maybe not. Maybe I would
have pumped the brakes a littlebit. And, yeah,
Natalie (23:09):
well, I mean, but if you think about it, you're going
to have challenges all in yourlife anyway. And it's not this,
it's going to be something else.
And I just, I wonder about that.
And we were talking a little bitbeforehand. You know, your your
kids is all girls, or did a dida boy make it into the pack,
three
Unknown (23:30):
and three, three girls, and then three boys, which is
really neat, too. Yeah, it evengets wilder. My oldest and
youngest share birthday. They're11 years apart to the day, and
then it gets even wilder. My twomiddles share a birthday
Natalie (23:44):
as well. Oh, that's terribly convenient. I mean, we
this is not that kind ofpodcast, but I'd love to chat
further about that.
Unknown (23:51):
None of it was planned, by the way. That's just how the
cards fell. Yeah, I never winthe lottery, though, if anyone's
wondering, like, I'm not thatlucky.
Natalie (23:58):
So No, no, no, and they increase the lottery rates here
in Virginia. Matt, I'm totallylike, boycotting there. I'm
like, I'm not paying that much,but I will say so. Let me ask
you this, though. So you've gotthe kids are all really kind of
stair stepped, if you thinkabout it, you have kids at some
point that are continuing to getsome level they're all
(24:20):
experiencing some level ofsymptom that's impacting them.
And so you and your husband aresetting back, and because you've
got a lot going on, six kids isa lot anyway, period. I mean,
three is a lot. And so you know,honestly, I'm sure after three,
you're just like, What's onemore? What's one more. And so,
how is it? How is? How is?
Because you've got the pressureof having six kids on your
(24:43):
relationship, but then you alsohave the pressure of all the
doctor's appointments, all thethings that they have to do, and
don't forget, the IEPs thatmight or 504, plans that need to
be done. Because I don't knowwhich one if you had either,
just because they might needaccommodations because of their
illness. Says, and so whatstrain does that put on you and
your husband and you personally?
Unknown (25:05):
That's such an important question. Puts a lot
of strain, a lot a lot ofstrain. I mean, it's already so
exhausting just to be a parent,right? Yeah, finding time for
yourself, finding time together,right? And navigating through
I'm not going to call it a darktime, but it was a very trying
time, you know, during the timesthat my children were small, and
(25:26):
it was beyond the normal, right?
Because how do you coordinateyour schedules? You're trying to
work full time. I'm trying tokeep this business going and
bring in some money and alsofeel fulfilled like things fall
to the wayside, right? Spendingtime together alone. It was
beyond, like, Oh, can we afforda babysitter? Like, we just
physically couldn't do it formany years. Yeah, we just
(25:48):
couldn't do anything beyond bein survival mode. So that was
tricky, it really was. But itdoes get better. It does but,
but it's an everyday it's aneveryday journey, right? Like,
it's everyday, taking a deepbreath and going, okay, like,
yes, chronic pain causes certainmoods, not and it, you know, it
(26:08):
turns out my husband also hassymptoms so but being a man, and
being in his field and all ofthese things, right, learning to
stuff it down. So it's likenavigating all of this together.
But I feel like in a lot ofways, it made us stronger and
brought us together. Like thissort of thing can either tear a
family apart, or it can bringyou together, and we chose to
let it bring us together. ButI'm not trying to paint a
(26:31):
picture like it was fine anddandy and, you know, all just an
easy cakewalk. It really was alot of years there of you know,
are we going to make it? Are wenot? But he is my best friend.
You know, I can't imagine goingthrough this without him. So,
yeah,
JJ (26:47):
so no unicorns and rainbows there. So diagnosis wise, just
out of curiosity, how did itcome? So I know you said fourth
grade was really kind of yoursecond daughter. How? How did
those come? The years? How didthose progress?
Unknown (27:02):
I was thinking about this last night. I don't really
remember, like, you get thissort of this is why the human
species still exists, right?
Like, we forget. It's the samesort of thing when you go
through this. So I don'tremember exactly when it all
unfolded, but it was likediagnosis after diagnosis. And I
think I was told, Sydney, mydaughter, who's 20, my second
(27:22):
born, she crawled so the rest ofthe kids could walk and run. But
the funny part about that, shenever crawled. That's how we
knew something was up with her.
She scooted. But everything shewas going through, and then
coupling my my experiencesgrowing up with hers, I started
to be really good at seeingthings with my kids. And so when
(27:46):
my firstborn son, Mickey said,Oh, I'm feeling this and this,
I'm like, let's go to thedoctor. Like, you know, you just
know right away. Or when mydaughter Macy, who's now 18 and
going off to college, same sortof thing. Like, it wasn't the
exact same symptoms, but it wasjust enough that I was like, but
then I also had to take a deepbreath and go, not just because
(28:06):
it's, you know, you have ahammer, not everything's a nail.
So I had to, like, that's right,step back a little bit. So
that's tricky, too, when you'redealing with the school system,
because they're like, oh, herecomes that mom. She thinks all
over something.
JJ (28:18):
Where do you feel like you got not to say better. But do
you feel like the diagnosis isthe doctors were willing to say,
Yes, this is what it is earlier,like this lady is experienced,
or you still were fighting forhim.
Unknown (28:30):
You know, there are so few rheumatologists for children
in the United States. So whilethat's a terrible thing, it also
means that they all talk to eachother. So I feel like once we
had the diagnosis, not for myfirst daughter, my second born,
it was like the second one, oncethat one came into play, they
were like, okay, she's she mightbe crazy, but not for this
(28:52):
reason. So listen to this mom.
And then I advocated as much asI could, and modeled advocating.
And so then it was like my kidswere taking over for them. For
themselves. They were not goinglove they were not going to be
dismissed. So good luck to anydoctor who encounters them well.
Natalie (29:11):
And all the husbands that are out there for them, I
really appreciate that. And so Ifeel like girls are probably
very strong willed and clearlygoing to be sisters of these
sisters. And so because Mama's,Mama's an advocate. And, you
know, I think that's the that'sthe part that, uh, is so
inspiring for your kids, is tosee my mom doesn't back down. My
(29:31):
mom advocates on her behalf. Andnot only that, I feel empowered
to do so and have my voiceheard. And especially as
females, who we know that it'svery different for male symptoms
versus female symptoms, andthere's not as much research on
the female side. Again, anotherpodcast where we could, you
know, have words about it, butwe know that women's health is
(29:52):
very different and and again,heart attack, stroke, different
for men and women and so and so.
Rather, was there. Differences.
This is interesting, though, andI hadn't thought to go down this
path. Is there differences inthe diagnosis of the girls
versus the boys? Absolutely.
Unknown (30:09):
And we were just talking about this yesterday. So
I'm moving my daughter intocollege and my 20 year olds with
me. And somehow we got onto thistopic. And it was funny, because
in my memory, my 20 year old hadMRIs done of her back and all of
these things. She's like, Mom,no, I still, to this day, have
not been able to get an MRI ofmy back. And I was like, Are you
kidding? So here I am, like,literally, at a gas station,
(30:31):
like truck stop, and I'm sittingoutside the dump, you know, and
I'm like, looking I said, Do Ihave permission to get into your
My church? She said, Yeah, so Igo in, and she's right. She has
not had an MRI of her back. Thisyoung lady is 20, and has had a
diagnosis since 1010, years, hasnever had one. And she goes, You
know, I'm still so upset that.
And so my firstborn son, Mickey,he got an MRI immediately. Like,
(30:56):
immediately, the doctors orderedone, like, immediately, and she
goes, You know, I'm really happyfor him. She's like, I'm really
happy for him, you know, ithelped him get the diagnosis he
needed. So, yes, my sons and youknow, you could argue, Well, you
had other kids already with thediagnosis, so they knew what
(31:17):
path to go down. But no, like,totally different
rheumatologists than the onethey had, but still same
hospital system right away,right away, had an MRI, and then
my second son, out of the wholegroup that has it, same thing.
So we have seen glaringdifferences. When you have an
autoimmune they tend to startyou on, like an anti
(31:37):
inflammatory first, and then, ifthat doesn't work, it's like
that step therapy, right, whichI advocate against. I'm like,
No, we know what this is like,Let's go for it. But the period
of time they made my girlsbeyond that and suffering like
truly suffering, versus my boys.
Now, thankful that my boys gotthe treatment they needed
quickly, but man, like it was
Natalie (32:00):
so glaring. Yeah, that's okay. I'm gonna take the
pause right here, and we'regonna pick right back up, and
we'll be right back. But that'sI had a feeling. You're gonna
tell me that, so we'll be rightback.
Unknown (32:11):
Care forward is a technology platform that
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JJ (32:26):
All right, everybody. We are back here with Trisha
Fitzgerald. So kids are 22 and11. Is that our range right now?
Unknown (32:35):
Yep, she's she'll be 20 they'll both be she'll be 22 in
October, and he'll be 12 inOctober. So they're 11 years
apart to the day.
Natalie (32:43):
Yeah, yeah. I love that. Or so.
Unknown (32:47):
Hold on. Can I math?
He's 10, he'll be 11. I'm sorry.
See when you have this manykids, I'm like, how you're good.
And she'll be 22
JJ (33:00):
I can go. So everybody can, you know, they can find their
own food, they can forage. Sowe're good with that. You know,
how's life now? Like, how has ittransitioned? As everyone's
gotten a little older, and someof them are out on their own,
Natalie (33:15):
they are, everybody's out of diapers. I'm just excited
for y'all, yeah,
Unknown (33:18):
exactly, yeah, yes. So that's so much better. But you
know, as any parent knows, itdoesn't get necessarily easier,
it just changes, right? Yeah,exactly. So my older girls, I
think it's just awesome to watchthem, like I said, getting their
own voice, advocating forthemselves, but then that's the
tricky. You're going out on yourown now. And am I supposed to be
(33:39):
with a pediatric doctor? Do Ineed to switch to an adult
doctor? So that's difficult whenyou have really formed that
relationship, and so they'renavigating that on their own
with me, kind of there, youknow, is
back up. So how do you feelabout that? Are you letting go
or Absolutely? Yeah, I alwayswondered how I would feel. But
out of the nest, it's tricky,right? Because, like, I can see
(34:02):
sometimes that they're notnecessarily, probably getting
what I would think is the bestcare, but I do have to shut my
mom, because it's, it's theirjourney, right, right? But, you
know, especially with thingslike insurance and approvals,
you know, all of that sort ofthing like that, is tricky
stuff. And so they do come to mestill with all of that. But, you
know, dropping my daughter atcollege, and, oh, she's two and
(34:22):
a half hours from the nearestrheumatologist, and like, how
she gonna navigate thoseappointments? And so that's a
different kind of stress, right?
It's that worry. But do you everstop worrying about your kids
whether they have a diagnosis ornot? So yeah,
Natalie (34:36):
we are always transparent. And so we met
Trisha through CVS, who we workwith, she's a specialty pharmacy
user. So are we with our mom andso, you know, I'll say, and
that's why I want to betransparent about it. But you
had, and we watched your videowhere you really utilize
Specialty Pharmacy and how theysupport you, and it really comes
(34:59):
back down to you. You weremanaging 50 meds at one point,
and that, to me was like, she isa total bad a like, she is like,
nailing it. Holy smoke. Everycaregiver is going to be like,
how did you do it? Tricia,what's your secret? Trying to
make sure that you're supportingand keeping everybody alive at
the same time? I probably
Unknown (35:20):
shouldn't say drink heavily, right? No, I'm kidding.
Natalie (35:26):
You know your husband was
Unknown (35:28):
ever no in all seriousness, so it was years of
trying to figure out a system,years and years, okay? But
really honestly, like youbrought up CVS, their their
phone calls. Well, can beannoying. Those really were
helpful, right, especially if Ialready refilled it. I'm like, I
already filled it, but thankgoodness, because there have
been text messages. I get, textalerts, phone calls in emails
(35:52):
reminding me so that's beensuper helpful. I had, at one
point, like a, you know, just anold school calendar that I was
writing everything on, justreminders of who takes what
when. And then, I think, havingso many kids on meds, I learned
that if we can try to streamlineit, so if they're taking
something every two weeks, tryto get it where all the kids are
(36:12):
taking it on the same day. Now Ihave teens and young adults now,
so when they're all home forbreak and whatever like do they
take it on the day they'resupposed to, no, they have
injections. Like, it's me going,Okay, it's on the calendar for
Wednesday. It's now Thursday,and it's not Friday, you know.
But trying to get them to takethat over has been really, you
know, it's, it's a journey ofits own.
JJ (36:35):
In the beginning, you know, I hear you say, okay, there was
a calendar and we took it on thesame day. Now it's kind of like
off. So I'm thinking, you know,it's like, okay, it's a daylight
it's kind of like me and my dogin the flea medicine. I'm like,
Oh, look, it's a week. Like,it's okay. So in the beginning,
I'm thinking, you were probablylike, it has to be, you know,
Thursday at 12 o'clock. Oh, sonow, do you give yourself a
little grace? Like, do you belike, you know, are you like,
(36:57):
okay, you know, I did it, butthe world is not ending. Like,
how does your feeling? Are youlesser of a caregiver because
you missed it? Or you're like,Dude, it's gonna be okay.
Everybody's gonna live depends
Unknown (37:06):
on how much sleep I got in my mood. No, but I got you,
you know, yeah, I think of it asnot that. It's not a life saving
Med, because in so many ways, wegot our lives back. I always
tell people when I got on thisone certain injection. Once I
got my diagnosis, I felt like Ihad my life back. So in that
sense, it is life saving, right?
But I always just try toremember they're going to be
(37:27):
okay if it's a day or two late.
Now, these types of meds, now, Iknow there are some meds you
have to take, like, veryregimented thankfully. You know,
we are blessed that that's notthe case. So I've learned on my
journey to give myself grace,teach the children to give
themselves grace, but also bemindful you still need to take
(37:47):
this med. This is, this is a nonnegotiable, and that's really
tricky, because it'sheartbreaking when your child
first starts an injection andthey're terrified, right? I
guess this is the good side ofhaving a lot of kids that have
it, though, you know, havingyour teen daughter be the first
one to give your son aninjection. So he's going to
trust her, weirdly, becausethey're, like, fighting like
(38:09):
cats and dogs, she's going totrust her a little bit more, I
think, because she's, you know,young and going through it. So I
don't know it's, it's been quitethe journey of, well, the
biggest part for me isremembering. I also take meds.
So as a caregiver, take care
Natalie (38:23):
of yourself. Oh, I'm sorry, you have to take care of
yourself.
Unknown (38:27):
Sure, right? Seems so Elementary, but I just noticed
this morning, I have one pillleft of two of my meds. Like,
how did that happen? Oh, no, soI make sure everyone else has
their meds, as we do ascaregivers, and sometimes I
forget about myself, whetherit's medication or just self
care or what have you. So yeah,I have to remember that we all
(38:49):
matter. We all need to bemindful of that.
JJ (38:52):
Do you feel that as everybody, you're kind of
leaving the nest? How is yourmarriage now? How is
relationship going
Unknown (39:01):
new face, obviously, with the empty nest, things
hurting to happen, but I thinkthat, you know, not that my
husband ever didn't get it, butI was doing the caretaking, and
he really that wasn't hisprimary role. And now I'm back
working full time, you know, foralmost 10 years now. And so he
had no choice. He had no choicebut to become a big part of it.
(39:22):
So he really and I think thathelped me tremendously. You
know, seeing he was alwaysinvested, but it was in a
different way. So that just kindof took us to a new phase where
he's like, No, I got it, andhe'll take them to the
rheumatology appointments. We'restill working on making sure he
schedules the next appointmentbefore he leaves the office,
because that's part of what mysystem is too. Like I will I
(39:45):
know myself. I am not going toremember. I gotta schedule it,
get it on my calendar, you know.
Then go to my chart, then putthe include detail, like I have
this whole thing. And I have toalso remember he's his own
person. He does it differently,you know. So it's that, that
balance of that's a
Natalie (40:03):
true caregiver right there. Because I remember when
we went to do respite for Emily,who'd been caring for mom, she
was given these, these veryexplicit details, and I stopped
listening at turn right, becauseI was like, I should be fine.
And like, I'm like, turn rightat the cow. It's fine. We're
from rural East Tennessee. It'sfunny, because I think that's as
(40:24):
caregivers That's the hardestthing to give up, because number
one, you're the caregiver, butyou will always be primary role
the mama bear, right? And themama bear likes things done the
certain way. And I remember whenEmily had her children, she was
very explicit with her husbandabout what he could and could
not, and so I think that wouldbe kind of hard. But what was
(40:46):
the point where you did? Youhave to have a conversation and
say, I need you to come in more.
I need you to get closer intocaring and helping me with this,
as opposed to being a little bitmore traditional male like the
wife's got it. I mean, we justcall it for what it is. Women
are seen as the as thecaregivers. We just call it for
what it is.
Unknown (41:04):
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't just one conversation, it was a
lot of them. But being that he'snot just a man, he's in such a
male dominated, you know, likehe's
Natalie (41:14):
so he's manly man,
Unknown (41:15):
yeah, exactly. And so he was never resistant to it. I
just think he didn't know how,right? You just didn't know. And
I can't fault someone for nothaving that skill set. You know,
I had to get past my assumptionsthat he didn't want to like I
was the best thing I everlearned. And I think it was a
therapist who told me she saidunspoken needs and wants are
(41:38):
premeditated resentments. And Iwas like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And
so I, you know, and I alreadycommunicate so much, like to the
point my husband's probablylike, if she's still talking,
but I wasn't necessarily sayingthe things that I really needed
to be saying, right? And so Ihad to learn like he's not a
mind reader, you know. And thenI had to express that down, like
(42:00):
I'm not a mind reader, like I, Idon't know how you're feeling in
all of this. And so it's beenyears of us learning how to
communicate in a really healthyway. And so we're not, you know,
we're not 100% there yet, butthat changed everything for me
when I heard that.
Natalie (42:17):
Well, you know, I'm not gonna lie to you, that is
clearly going to be a clip,because that's good advice. That
is really good sound advice. Andsometimes, and you've mentioned
going to a counselor, I mean,sometimes that's what you need,
independent person to be able tohear what you're saying. Give a
different perspective and say,Have you thought about it this
(42:38):
way? And I can tell you how manytimes I've gotten frustrated
with my husband, even now, youknow, I don't want to be your
mom. I don't want to tell youwhat to have to do and but I'm
glad you mentioned that, becauseI guess if I don't tell him
certain thing, then I end uphaving to get into this. And you
(42:58):
get in, it's so circular. Youget into these and it becomes un
it's unnecessary, and I think sostop us. You know, for me, I
would say to myself, stopassuming Jason knows everything
that you want in your mind,
Unknown (43:12):
right, right? Exactly like they may be your person,
but they don't necessarily, youknow, weirdly, they can't read
your thoughts well. And I'm allover the place, right? I thought
it was just part of the wholedeal. But there's some days
where I'm feeling this, and thenthere's other days, and I'm sure
it's very confusing for him,because he's like, what? But as
long as I'm communicating it,right, and I keep telling him
(43:34):
that as well, um, but there'sthat piece of like, I think, and
maybe it's sexist to say this,but men are not taught to be
vulnerable. They're not taughtthat it's safe. So it's been a
lot of those conversations, ofit's okay to talk about your
feelings, but then rememberingmaybe he doesn't have the words
for the feelings. So Right?
Like, I don't know, I just feeloff, or I just feel whatever. So
I mean, we just had thisconversation right before I left
(43:57):
with my daughter. Like I couldsee, you know, the body tension
and the way he was holding hisbody. And I was like, Do you
feel it? Do you see it? And hewas like, I'm just cut, you
know? And he got defensive atfirst. And then the thing, so my
parents had this thing when theywould start to get at each
other, they would yell, mashedpotatoes. That was the thing
that stopped them, I know. So weit was hilarious. One of them
would just go mashed potatoes.
(44:21):
So the thing my husband and Ido, and then they would both
laugh, right? Like, how can younot someone's screaming mashed
potatoes at you. So my husbandand I, have you seen that meme
where the guy goes, Oh, what isthat? Is that a mockingbird? And
then it goes to the cliff of themockingbird, and the
mockingbirds going, Oh, is it amockingbird? Is it a
mockingbird? It's so goofy, butanytime he's starting to get
(44:46):
defensive, now he'll catch himand take a breath and go and
then I just start cracking and Ido it to myself as well. So I
got him to kind of slow down, dothe mockingbird, and then. Off,
which sounds hilarious. And thenhe went, you know, I think I'm
stressed about, I don't know.
And I go, well, what couldpossibly be going on this week?
(45:08):
Oh yeah, you're leaving with ourdaughter to take her to college.
And then we have two of our boysaway at camp this week for
arthritis camp. So just kind ofteaching each other, it's okay
again, to not be okay and topause to breathe, do your
Mockingbird or mashed potatoesor whatever it is you do, you
know, to bring levity to thesituation and then talk about
(45:30):
it. I mean, it's not perfect,like there's doors slammed and
whatever, but once in a while.
But this is kind of where we'veevolved to which, when I think
back to years, you know, 10years ago, I never would have
dreamed this is where we'd be.
It's awesome. Yeah, those
JJ (45:46):
are basic marriage skills, though, Trisha, you know? I
mean, that's advice for anybodythat's so fantastic to just say
you have to deescalate it and goadd mashed potatoes or
Mockingbird. Those are justfantastic. You know,
Unknown (45:58):
that's fantastic. Well, and we do the same thing with
the kids when they're having ahard time, right? You got to
bring levity, deescalate. Doesit always work? No, but we try,
Natalie (46:08):
yeah. But you know what? I will say this, if you
really think about it, comesback to being a safe word and
and really just saying, I'm I'mnot okay, I'm upside down, or I
don't want to, I need to pause.
And a lot of people think thatthey're they, they can't walk
away from a difficultconversation and come back to
it. And so I think manycaregivers, and I'm sure mom and
Emily experienced this together,but this is any, this is any,
(46:30):
whether it's parent childdynamic, rather, it's a
caregiver dynamic with theperson they're caring for, or
just could be siblings, it'sanybody. How do you start
teaching healthy ways to havedifficult conversations, and
when the when you get to a pointyou need to step away and that
you can come back so that youhave can have finished the
conversation? Because youreally, the last thing you
(46:52):
really want to have to do ishave a relationship repair,
because that means you let it gotoo far. But if you let it go
too far, you need to repair therelationship, because otherwise
it's inside of you like a cancerand it just eats at you
absolutely and I think that'spretty big. You know, it's time.
I can't believe this, because weare well over our time. I think
it's time to ask our othersister some questions.
JJ (47:16):
I know I have to, but the first little more in depth, but
the second one is not okay. Howdoes it make you feel as a mom
to see the kids relationshiptogether and how they help one
another? How does it make
Unknown (47:30):
you make me feel there's so many different
feelings. One of them is okay.
Let's start with the positive. Ifeel really proud of the of the
journey that we've been on, myhusband and me and my kids,
those good days and those baddays, right? And working
together. But then there's thatMama guilt too. Back to your
first one of your firstquestions of or when you
mentioned they might want theirmoney back. You know, it's like,
(47:54):
so it's awesome to see themhelping each other and
advocating and because theyinnately know, you know, they
don't know exactly whatsomeone's feeling, but they know
what it's like to have a chronicillness and have a bad day. So
that's awesome. It makes me feelso good. But then there are
moments of that Mama guilt oflike, oh, fuck that. They have
to go through this, right? Butthat's where I am. I mean, I do
(48:17):
my best to not internalize thatand make that my own, because
it's where we are, it's whatwe're it's what we're dealing
with, right? It's the cards wewere dealt. So, yeah, it's
pretty awesome seeing them worktogether.
Natalie (48:30):
Yeah, I like focusing on acknowledging the hard, but
not focusing on the positive,because all it's done is built
resilience. They're going to bepretty darn resilient kids,
Unknown (48:39):
100% there are days, though, where I can see it on
the face. They're like, but Idon't want to have to be so
resilient, right? And that'sfair. That's fair, yeah. But
yeah, you know, it's thatserenity prayer. I always say we
have to accept the things thatwe can't change and know the
difference between the things wecan and can't. And so it's
really awesome to see themworking together and supporting
(49:00):
each other. And of course,there's like, the normal sibling
things too, where I'm like,doesn't matter, what else does
these kiddos have?
JJ (49:08):
They're good. Now you're good. The one thing, here's my
fast the one thing that, whenyou're, you know, we talk about
the yuckiness, you got to getout of the yuckiness. What's
your thing? What's your thingthat you would say to somebody,
well,
Unknown (49:21):
so our thing is finding the glimmers, right? And finding
those positive moments, even ifthe rest of the day was just,
you know, so we try to do thingstogether, you know, like it's
something simple, like justcuddling on the couch, right? I
love that my my 12, soon to be13 year old, still cuddles.
Actually, he just turned 12. Whyam I trying to make him older? I
(49:42):
don't or is he 13? Y'all, Idon't know how old my kids are,
but my son, who's going intoeighth grade, I think he's 13.
He just still crawls up into thebed and, like, wants to cuddle,
he still wants to watch Netflix.
So I'm holding on to thosemoments, right? So on those good
days and bad days, but alsomusic, live music is our thing.
So. So like, we just went to seeMelissa Etheridge and Indigo
Girls just two nights agotogether.
Natalie (50:04):
Oh, my God. So we
Unknown (50:07):
even take road trips, like we'll get in the car and
we'll drive to another state togo to live music together, or
just down the street to a place.
To me, music is pain relief,like it really is. It's what
keeps me going. And so I've kindof tried to pass that down to my
kids. So yeah, that's what wedo. We try to find those
glimmers and not get stuck, likeacknowledging we're having a bad
day or a bad week or a month orwhatever, but not get stuck in
(50:29):
that.
Natalie (50:32):
Yeah, I'm going to tell you, I absolutely love that. I
know that you put down on selfcare, because we always ask our
guests, you know, are therethings that you recommend? And
we always try to hit on theseareas, because that's the thing.
This is what we want to know.
Like we all want to know thesecret sauce, right? And if
there was, and it's really not asecret, it's just saying it out
loud, because I think we allknow the things that help us.
(50:52):
And then as the kids get older,they'll start start to find
other things that also promotetheir self care. Like you talked
about live music. I love thecuddling that was and washing
trust TV. I'm gonna tell youright now, guilty pleasure. I
mean this. I mean, hello, thankyou, Netflix. You're the best
thing in the universe, andAmazon Prime, okay? But not like
Netflix, yeah, you know, thiswas what it is. And then the
(51:15):
other thing is, you said talkingabout painting, drawing, about
screaming into the universe,about our small victories and
our challenges related to ourconditions. And so I think you
have to, I think it's sotherapeutic to be able to be
angry about the things you wantto be angry about and then move
on, like, right? I'm going toverbalize and pissed right now.
(51:37):
Excuse me. Beep, beep. But beingable to say that because
otherwise it's just false. It'snot being authentic to
themselves, exactly, exactly. Ihave
Unknown (51:47):
a real problem with toxic positivity. Positivity is
fine looking, you know, on thebright side, but there you it
can become toxic, and so it'sokay. I mean, I could say all
day long it's okay to not beokay, but don't get stuck in it,
you know. And how do you dothat? You find the things that
make your heart
Natalie (52:03):
sing, hmm, I see music always comes back to music.
Okay, I have one last question,and then, and then we're gonna
be besties forever, because thismakes me so happy. Okay, so this
is always my favorite question,what is your favorite guilty
pleasure? What is the thing thatyou do just for you, that you
love to do just for you. You'renot sharing with anybody.
Unknown (52:26):
Oh my gosh, my ice cream. That's number one. I had
to pick one. You can
Natalie (52:32):
have multiple. You can have multiple.
Unknown (52:34):
What is your favorite guilty pleasure? Honestly, I
probably my ice cream, mintchocolate chip ice cream. I
mean, so much so, like, I haveto stick with this one, because
even at my work, someone boughta tub of it for me. How do they
even know that I like mychocolate like I must be
obsessed with it, if even mystaff is buying me. I was like,
(52:55):
you know, so that must be mything. My ice cream definitely
do not eat out of my ice creambowl, because I might snap on
you, but I would have said, likegoing to music shows, but now
that's what we do together,right? So, yeah, that's my
guilty pleasure. I mean,spending way more money than I
ever should. I'm going to showsand then eating ice cream
afterwards. You
Natalie (53:18):
know you're gonna spend your money on stuff, spend your
money on on experiences. There'sall kinds of things that you can
buy, but the things get thrownaway, and so the times that
you've been together, andhonestly, you said Melissa
Etheridge and Indigo Girls, youhad now went to a concert at
Indigo Girls about 15 years ago,and we, I mean, that's And the
(53:40):
funny thing is, is like, and shebought me a goat the other day,
and it's not a real goat, it'sanother real goat. I was so
jealous. She has no clue thatit's right beside me, and she
said she bought me this goat,and it's because I make the goat
noise.
Unknown (53:58):
It's also, I think she's the greatest of all time.
Yeah,
Natalie (54:05):
clearly, I'm like Tom Brady, but blonder,
Unknown (54:09):
we're now like absolute besties. Yeah. Well, I did have
a goat one time
Natalie (54:15):
when I ran a treatment facility, I had to heed the
goat. But he was, he was, yeah,he was pretty great. But I will
say this The times I will. Ilove my goat, but it is the time
that I spend with my sistersthat actually is the most
meaningful, right,
Unknown (54:32):
right? I mean time with the ice creams also, but I
actually like it better when Iwas with my people. You know
exactly.
Natalie (54:40):
So why not? You can find your guilty pleasure and
your best,
Unknown (54:45):
your tribe.
Natalie (54:46):
This has been so much fun. Trisha, I'm so like, happy
as a lamb, starting off our day,right? That's my answer, yeah,
you started off our day, right?
I thank you so much for beingwith us, and really appreciate
it. Appreciate all the sharingof the knowledge and all that
greatness. Thank you for having
Unknown (55:03):
me. This was a lot of fun. So maybe I can come back
some other time.
Natalie (55:07):
And when I come to Chicago, I'm coming up and
eating pizza, and you'll have totell me exactly where I need to
go, and we'll go eat ice cream,go to a concert. Because for
sure,
Unknown (55:16):
all of for sure. I mean, I want go big or go home.
So we were, can I make you evenmore jealous. We were in the
second row. Ready? Second row?
Yeah. I mean,
JJ (55:24):
were you singing the song?
Oh, everything.
Unknown (55:27):
They were looking right at me. We were like,
Natalie (55:29):
they knew you. She was like, we should bring her up on
stage. Yeah, bring her up andlet her be one of the backup
girls
Unknown (55:38):
I know right now. You know why I'm in the second row,
right? All right. Well, thankyou for having me. This was so
much fun.
Natalie (55:47):
Absolutely. Thanks so much, Joe. You wanna close this
JJ (55:49):
out absolutely, Natalie, until we confess again, we will
see you next time. Bye, bye.
Natalie (55:59):
Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession
again. Thank you so much forlistening, but before you go,
please take a moment to leave usa review and tell your friends
about the confessions podcast.
Don't forget to visit ourwebsite to sign up for our
newsletter. You'll also find thevideo recording of all of our
episodes on the confessionswebsite and our YouTube channel.
(56:19):
Don't worry, all the details areincluded in the show notes
below. We'll see you nextTuesday when we come together to
confess again. Till then, takecare of you. Okay, let's talk
disclaimers. You may besurprised to find out, but we
are not medical professionalsand are not providing any
(56:42):
medical advice. If you have anymedical questions, we recommend
that you talk with a medicalprofessional of your choice. As
always, my sisters and I, atConfessions of a reluctant
caregiver, have taken care inselecting speakers, but the
opinions of our speakers aretheirs alone. The views and
opinions stated in this podcastare solely those of the
(57:05):
contributors and not necessarilythose of our distributors or
hosting company. This podcast iscopyrighted, and no part can be
reproduced without the expressedwritten consent of the
sisterhood of care LLC. Thankyou for listening to The
Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver podcast.
Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the
Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver. Podcast. On the show,
you'll hear caregiversconfessing the good, the bad and
the completely unexpected.
You're guaranteed to relate, beinspired. Lead with helpful tips
and resources, and, of course,laugh. Now let's get to today's
confession. Hey Jay, good
JJ (00:30):
morning. Natalie, how are you doing? If you're watching
the YouTube video, you'llprobably be able to see that I
scratch my forehead twice. Itlooked
Natalie (00:41):
like I am. I didn't know if you were going to
mention that to everybody andall of our friends, because I
was going to mention it, becauseI was worried that people would
not, they we'd be talking aboutthis forehead of yours and the
assault that you did
JJ (00:54):
on myself. It okay? It actually get the YouTube video.
Hopefully they won't. They won'tpost these
Natalie (00:59):
photos. Get closer to your camera so everybody can see
it well? And it's,
JJ (01:03):
you know, our guest said, it's not that bad. My hair is on
the mic. It's not that bad. ButI impelled myself. I impaled
myself with my fingernail.
Natalie (01:11):
This is what happens when you grow your nails out.
You know, it's trying to befancy, but it didn't work. So
I'm going to trim them all, andI'm glad you part your hair that
way, because away so that, thatway it's fully visible. I'm done
with, like, if you could justput an arrow in the video. It's
like Beetlejuice with thearrows. I'm done with, okay, but
(01:33):
we're not here to talk aboutyour forehead, which is
considerable, or the scratchthat you did.
JJ (01:39):
I'm gonna go be Tricia his best friend and ask her to be my
sister, because I
Natalie (01:44):
love you. She does. I want to tell you guys
JJ (01:47):
about today's guest because she's pretty amazing. I just
want to say that she couldconceivably be my hero. And some
of the things she says, Theycrack me up, because she uses
words that I use, and she's justvery truthful. So today we've
got with us Tricia Fitzgerald.
Get ready, guys. She's aneducator and advocate and a
community leader with more than20 years of experience
(02:08):
supporting children andfamilies, but she spent a
lifetime as well, those sameyears caring for her own family.
So Tricia started her personalcaregiving journey in 2003 when
her first child was born, ittook years of advocacy and
persistence to get a diagnosisfor that daughter. When her
second daughter was born, Trishaadded a caregiving journey in
(02:29):
addition to traditionalparenting for her, this daughter
was diagnosed with an autoimmuneinflammatory arthritis. Since
that diagnosis in 2050
Natalie (02:40):
going to tell everybody all that, hold on, three more of
her children
JJ (02:43):
receive that same diagnosis.
So this what Trisha says, theytickle me. She says my
caregiving journey is certainlyoverwhelming, disheartening and
chaotic at times, and itcertainly requires high levels
of organization and tons of Spahere's my favorite. While we all
experience some pretty awfuldays due to our conditions, I
focus on modeling how it is okayto not be okay, but it's
(03:05):
important to not get stuck inthe yuckiness of forever.
Yuckiness is one of my words,Trisha, and I am so happy to
have you here with us today.
Unknown (03:16):
I'm so happy to be here. You have no idea. I've
been watching your podcast, andI absolutely love it. So thanks
for having me.
Natalie (03:24):
Oh, thank you. Thank you for being here. Well, you
know, I try to get JJ not totell all the details so that you
actually have a story.
Otherwise, it's like, well, thatwas fast for a second, and we're
done.
JJ (03:35):
There's a lot to this one.
Get ready. Well, that's true,
Natalie (03:39):
and JJ also didn't give the spoiler away, and because it
actually didn't start with kids,and that's the part that's
really interesting. And so Ithink that lived experience this
is going to be such. This is aunique episode, because we talk
about traditional parenting,versus what happens when you
have children who have specialneeds. And special needs is the
(03:59):
broadest of broad categories.
And so if you really think aboutit, it doesn't mean they have
intellectual disabilities or anyone particular thing, because
most people think special needsand they think disabilities. And
so I think we this is what Ilove about the podcast, is just
the diversity of people andtheir caregiving experiences.
Because somebody is going tohear this story and they're
going to be like, Oh, that's me.
(04:22):
And so, so I will stop flappingand let Trisha. Let Trisha go
ahead and start telling us herstory. And so start from the
beginning. You were born, andthen, kind of like, you know,
tell us about your
Unknown (04:33):
background. I was born in the late 70s during attack.
So I am from a suburb outside ofChicago, and I have an older
brother and an older sister.
Amazing parents, God rest theirsouls. And you know, I think, as
you can probably understand,that was a time. Well, even now
today, it's difficult to have achronic illness and get that
diagnosed, especially forchildren. So I don't have
(04:55):
confirmation of this because Iwasn't diagnosed. As a child,
but I'm fairly certain that myjourney with my chronic illness
began when I was a child. So Ibegan having symptoms when I was
in the fourth grade, just a lotof tenderness and pain in my
joints, in my hips and my kneesand my ankles, you know, all of
that. And I kept being told itwas growing pains. I think
(05:15):
that's the story of a lot ofyoung people and adults who
later get diagnosed, I had a lotof fatigue that beyond the you
know, I went to soccer practice,and now I'm tired like fatigue.
Fatigue like I always felt likeI had that flu. So I'm not, I
don't want to say I was blownoff, but I definitely did not
get listened to by medicalprofessionals. Now my parents. I
(05:38):
mean, of course, my mom wasnurturing, and my dad was
lovely, and, you know, theydidn't understand what what I
was going through. I don't thinkon a lot of levels, but they,
it's not that they weren'tlistening. It's just, you know,
it's the parameters of themedical system. Yeah. So it was
not until my late 30s that I wasdiagnosed with Ankylosing
Spondylitis that my childrenhave. And actually, it turns out
(06:01):
that my husband has a similar hehas a genetic predisposition,
predisposition to all of this,so he also brought that to the
table. So again, I think I havea juvenile form. I'm not 100%
sure, but now that I havemultiple children with it, it's
pretty obvious to me that that'swhat's going on, yeah, the
(06:21):
combination of what I brought inand then my husband, but yeah,
so as a young adult, so as ateenager, I was told I was just
doing too much, you know,president of the club and
playing soccer and all of that.
Okay, so I tried to pare down alittle bit, you know, as much as
we can when we're, like, thethree of us, I did a lot, yeah,
and then get to college. Oh,you're just taking too many
(06:43):
classes. You know, there wasalways a reason. Then I start
having children. Oh, you're justa tired, busy new mom. So it was
really, it was probably ajourney a lot of people go
through, right? Just feelinglike you're saying all of the
things you're advocating foryourself, but you're not
necessarily being heard. But thegood news is, I did get
diagnosed. Finally, late 30sAnkylosing Spondylitis have now
(07:06):
added a second diagnosis, whichis juvenile. I'm sorry, not
juvenile. That's wishfulthinking. No. So now I also have
rheumatoid arthritis added tothe mix. So it's like, join the
party. Why not? Like, here wego. Let's have another
autoimmune
Natalie (07:20):
What's one more? Yeah, what's one more? I've always
been an
Unknown (07:23):
overachiever. So here we go. Might as well get
JJ (07:28):
Natalie and I are both going to say it wait till you hit
menopause. It's going to takeforever for them to diagnose
that
Unknown (07:35):
I'm pretty close diagnose that you're not
Natalie (07:39):
telling you right now, this left shoulder is not the
same. The sweats aren't here.
This left shoulder, the jointpain for those ladies that are
listening, it's real and it'snot frozen shoulder. Cortisone
shot won't fix estrogen anyway,sorry. We digress. Well, that is
not this kind of podcast, butyou're saying the
Unknown (07:58):
thing, like we get told these, diagnoses. Oh, it's
fibromyalgia, which is real,don't get me wrong, but it's
like, dismissive diagnoses,right? Like it's frozen a
shoulder, it's this, is that? Sothat was the start of my
journey. So I was not a strangerto it once I started having
children, that's for darn sure.
Yeah, well,
Natalie (08:14):
and if you really think about it, and this is, I think a
lot of caregivers can relate tothis, whether you're current or
past or and this is a thing.
Here's your tipsies. For thosewho are thinking about in the
future, you're gonna have to doa lot of explaining and really
pushing people to hear you, andthen when something doesn't pass
the sniff test, keep going. AndI think you know what I hear you
(08:35):
saying, and I'm not surprisedthat your PCP, and especially
your pediatrician potentiallymissed it, because a lot of a
lot of folks are generalpractitioners, and they are used
to seeing the normal 8020 andyou fell into the 20% you fell
into the 20% and then your kidsgot to fall into the 100%
because you're they probablyasked for their money back from
(08:56):
you. And you're like, really,come on, people. I mean, I
asked, I mean, I do that withJay all the time, but, um, so,
so let me, let me back up first.
So you had these illnesses, oryou had these symptoms.
Actually, it's the better wordsthis. You had these. You've
lived with symptoms, and youprobably live with some level of
pain and fatigue your entirelife, but you move right along.
(09:19):
You go to college. At what pointdo you meet your husband and and
when the kids start coming alongand all that good jazz?
Unknown (09:26):
So finished college, was shortly out of college,
trying to figure out what Iwanted to be when I grew up. PS,
still trying to figure that out.
So everybody right? So we canrelate, at least the most
interesting people I know arestill trying to figure it out,
well into Yeah, later in life,but I met my husband. It's
actually kind of a fun story. SoI was in between jobs. I started
out with a non profit. I likedit, but I also hated it. So I
(09:48):
was like, okay, something has tochange. So, and I'm really proud
of my younger self by the waythat I figured that out and I
made that move, I have to keepremembering who that person was
when I'm in the middle ofsomething. But I'm like, why am
I still doing this? So I leavethis one job, and I'm like, am I
going to go to grad school? Whatam I going to do? I knew I
needed to pay rent and eat thatthat's what I did know, right?
(10:08):
So I heard on the radio stationthat they were looking for
extras like for filming inChicago, and I thought, I'll try
that out. Like, I don't want tobe an actor, but I do want to
eat. Okay, all right, like Isaid, So I became an extra and I
met some people through that,and somehow got myself invited
to a rap party. They're called,so it was like the end of a
(10:30):
movie. It was a Steve Martinmovie with who else was in it,
Laura Dern. Was called Novocain,anyhow, so my best friend is
going and I'm going. And I mether through the extra work, and
I answered the door for thepeople picking us up. And that
was my now husband, so he wasstanding there. But the best
part of the story is one, Ididn't want to go to this party.
I felt, I thought I was thethird wheel, and I was like, I
(10:53):
don't want to go. But then Iwalk away from the door, I go up
these winding stairs because shewas house sitting this beautiful
house. And I said they're here,and the guy driving is so cute,
or actually, he wasn't driving.
He was the passenger. Butwhatever I go the guy, the guy
who just was at the door, is socute. It echoes through the
entire house. Oh, so I'm like, Ican't go back down there. But I
(11:16):
did. I went down there. We met,and the rest is history. So
we've been together since 2000and at the time, the reason why
my husband was there, he didlighting and special effects on
movies. So the reason I bringthat up is he's now a police
sergeant, so
Natalie (11:32):
he did a little, I mean, that naturally fit right
into it. So he maybe he's on thefirst 48 maybe he's on all of
our crime shows, I mean Chicago.
PD, I mean, we, we throw out allthe names here, right? So he is
a real police officer, for realdeal.
Unknown (11:45):
One, he's a creative so it's just really interesting
that shift that he made, right?
But it definitely helps him outon the streets, being a sergeant
and being more of the creativemind. So yeah, so that's how we
met. We've been together allthat time and have six children
together.
Natalie (12:01):
So, oh, I love that.
And I and, and you've got like,I love that. You're, I feel like
you're all our Irish Catholic.
Are you Irish Catholic? I feeleveryone asked
Unknown (12:10):
us that with all the kids, but that probably, but we
lived in an Irish Catholicneighborhood for the very
beginning of our Well, when westarted having children, and it
wasn't uncommon for someone tohave six kids, definitely, but
Natalie (12:24):
no, of course, her dad was the fire chief New York
City, and there's six of them.
They're all Irish, Catholic. Imean, just blonde, hot hair. I
mean, honestly, that's alwayslike Chicago Irish. I mean, it
just naturally fits. Again,caregiving podcast, but we're
getting there. People calm downwell,
Unknown (12:39):
and so, so I'm a teacher and he's a cop. Like, we
couldn't be more cliche if weeven tried.
Natalie (12:44):
So I didn't notice that. I think that's pretty
magic. And you got a ton ofkids. I mean, basically, and I'm
gonna tell you right now, wewere talking to somebody else
the other day, they only hadfive kids. I'm like, Dude, you
needed one more for the sixthcoming off the bench. You just
needed one more for basketball.
I mean, like you gotta have thesix players. I mean, I'm just
saying extra spend number six.
(13:04):
So anyway, so you all are movingalong, you are having and you
get in and you get pregnant, andyou have a baby, and so then
what happens? Because carestarts coming in pretty early
after you have your firstnugget.
Unknown (13:20):
It does, you know, immediately I thought, what
happens? I remember thisdistinct moment when the nurses
all walked out, because, I mean,we could talk for hours, ladies,
like the story of my firstdaughter's birth, like we barely
got there in time, but my laborwas like days long. So that was
a whole thing. There was likenine nurses in the room. It was
amazing and chaotic. It wasbasically a metaphor for our
entire life and family lifetogether. It was like, of
(13:43):
course, that's how it went, um,but my husband and I look at
each other and it's quiet forthe first time in forever, and I
said, What do we do now?
Natalie (13:54):
I brought home a puppy
Unknown (13:56):
like, like and like, we're in charge.
Natalie (13:59):
What a responsibility.
Apparently, that's what I hear.
No So,
Unknown (14:04):
so from the like, literally, the moment she was
born, that we knew something wasamiss, like she was amazing, but
she was she rolled, let me putit this way, she rolled over on
her first day of life, and noone ever believes me. I'm not
kidding you. She was sohypertonic. She rolled over in
her isolette. The doctors werelike, Did that just happen?
Yeah, so that that should havebeen everyone's first clue
(14:26):
something was going on. So therewas just a lot in with our first
child that, again, was amazing,but we're red flags, and I so I
have my master's in earlychildhood development. So it's
that balance of, if you read toomany books and you know too
much, you can get in your ownway. So I was trying not to be
that mom, like, oh, every burpshe does, is there a problem?
(14:49):
But there was clearly somethinghappening. And so it was a
journey of going to our PCPsaying, I know I'm hearing you
say that she's just maybe ahigh. Your need be. But like, it
just had to keep pushing andpushing and pushing. So it took
us four and a half years to geta diagnosis for that one, and
along the whole way, wonderingif I was crazy, still wonder on
(15:11):
a daily basis. Oh yeah, crazy.
Natalie (15:12):
I mean, that's relatively speaking, but at the
beginning because, but here'sthe funny thing though, is that
if you think about mamas withwho have their first children. I
mean, because JJ turned outreally great, and I think my mom
was just tired after trying todeal with Jay, and then by the
time we got to Emily, I mean,I'm glad she's alive and so, but
(15:32):
you put so much focus in. And soI like the fact that you said,
hey, look, my background is, isin childhood development and our
child development. And so I'mlooking at it and reading all
the books and trying to be agreat mom, and, and, and, and,
and so it doesn't it makes sensethat you'd be like, am I
overthinking this? Right? Andyou must wonder, would have been
(15:53):
the same? And the answer isprobably yes, because you'd have
been like, this is not the sameas the first
Unknown (15:58):
well, it was when, when my second came along. So that
was, that was an interestingtime. I was five months
postpartum. I had just maybestarted sleeping, found out I
was pregnant with my second, andthat was, that was a moment. I
had a lot of moments. I waslike, but was obviously so
thankful, you know, when shecame along, but she was a
(16:19):
typically developing baby,whatever that means. But I
thought she was broken. I, like,literally thought she was broken
because she was sleeping and shewas eating, she was doing all of
the things that a baby should bedoing, even more crazy. Because
I'm like, why am I staring ather while she sleeps, like,
making sure she's breathing? AndI took her to the doctor, and
I'm like, There's somethingwrong with her. She's broken.
(16:40):
They're like, What do you mean?
She's going right along withevery I said, well, because this
is my first and then this one,and that's when I think it
really started to shine a light,like we got, we it still took
until my daughter was four and ahalf, so it still took a little
bit of time. But that's when,you know, you're not supposed to
compare your kids. But when youhave one who's typically
developing, and you have one whohas things going on, you know,
(17:01):
it really, shone a light onthere. And then my second
daughter did not get thatdiagnosis until the juvenile
arthritis, until she was infourth grade, I believe. But we
started to see things like withher motor development, all of
that that led us down that path.
But as a baby, it was justthose, those differences, right?
And so it really helped me go,you know what my instincts were,
(17:21):
right with the first one?
Natalie (17:23):
Listening to the mama instinct, listen, I'm gonna
wait. I need to pause this. Ineed to pause this just for a
second. Because I don't I'm notsurprised. We're already time
for our first break. More kidscoming, people, we'll be right
back.
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JJ (18:11):
All right, everybody, we are back here with Trisha. Trisha
Fitzgerald, we got two kids sofar. That's what we're talking
about. We're talking about kidswith special diagnosis. So I'm
going to back up here, notreally back up, but I'm going to
pause, and I'm going to talkabout where your all's lives
are. So you got two kids? Oh,good question. And yeah, so tell
me where you are. First of all,is your husband? You know? Is he
(18:33):
a police officer? Yeah, you'reteaching, like, what are you
guys doing? Because I knowyou're doing, like, advocacy.
You're like, what is ourdiagnosis? How are you feeling
because you've in life, gottendifferent diagnosis? How are
y'all feeling? What are
Unknown (18:45):
you doing? So I was a teacher when I had my first I
was teaching in the ChicagoPublic Schools, and my husband
was still doing the film and TVwork. It just became almost like
a full time job trying to figureout what was going on with my
firstborn, and then finding outI was pregnant again, so I ended
up coming out of the classroom.
No longer was doing that, butstill needed to well needed
(19:05):
probably isn't the word. Wantedto do something outside of the
home, but also be completelypresent. So I ended up starting
my own business. I became adoula and a childbirth educator
and an early childhoodconsultant. So I created a
business, and I think that Isupported close to 300 families
in that journey, from the time Istarted it right after, I think
(19:27):
I was pregnant with my thirdactually, all the way until, I
think, right before I had mylast child. Yeah, I don't know
it's all fuzzy, but in that timeI did that, and I also was
working part time at night atthe University where I had gone
and got my masters. So I wasteaching. I was teaching
teachers how to teach,basically, is the easiest way to
(19:50):
put it in, supervising studentteachers. So that's where I was.
My husband actually had justtransitioned into becoming a
police officer, so a. Lot oftransition, and then we moved to
a new house that was the IrishCatholic neighborhood I was
talking about. So just a lot ofexciting things happening, but,
but a lot on top of it all. Sonow I have two girls, and then
find out I'm pregnant with mywell, actually, I ended up
(20:13):
losing and having a miscarriage,which I come to find out, is
part of my auto women, I'm at amuch higher risk, but a lot of
women have them, right? Like,I'm not dismissing it or
minimizing, but like, it wasjust something that I was like,
Okay, well, it was always arisk, right? So I had a loss,
and then thankfully, gotpregnant again and had my third
daughter, so now we have threegirls, and everything was
Natalie (20:37):
awesome. We also believe three girls are awesome.
Yeah,
Unknown (20:39):
that's why, that's why I highlighted it. We had three
girls. Things were great, butthen it started to see more and
more symptoms. You know, in thesecond born. Didn't see anything
in the third born yet, butthat's where we were. Yeah, it
was exciting time. I wasexhausted all the time, but it
was exciting.
Natalie (20:55):
I would say you were because you're dealing with your
own chronic illness. You'redealing with a baby, the oldest,
who's got has a diagnosis atthis point, you've got the
middle that's demonstrating, I'massuming, what are the age
differences between all thekids,
Unknown (21:10):
15 months between the first two, and then she had 22
months between the second andthird. And I had, like I said,
that early loss in there, so Iwas basically pregnant the
entire time. Like I had a shortreprieve in there.
Natalie (21:23):
You just keep having kids every, every two years or
so. I like the stair step. We'reall stair stepped, like we're
all two years apart, right?
Unknown (21:31):
Was like, what is that?
JJ (21:33):
I said the OB GYN was like, hey, Trisha,
Natalie (21:36):
keeping us in business and
Unknown (21:38):
sending my kids to college, we were on a first name
basis. People would look like, Ihad six heads. The nurses would
be like, you called her that.
Yeah, you know, we're besties.
Natalie (21:47):
You know, here's my question. A lot of people would
say, you've got kids that havethese illnesses, right? These
are chronic illnesses, and atsome point, because you you
ultimately, you and your husbandhave six children. The question
is, is, at some point, do youall say, do should we not have
kids? Should we, like, should wenot have kids? Because we seem
(22:08):
to keep having children thathave these illnesses. I don't
know the answer to that. That'swhy I'm asking, because I think
right, a lot of people could askthat question. Oh, absolutely.
So I don't
Unknown (22:17):
know if it's thankfully or not. We didn't really find
out that it was autoimmune,until my second one was in
fourth grade, and we were justhaving baby after baby after
baby. So by that point we, and Idon't even know what year that
was, I think we probably alreadyhad all six, or maybe five of
six were out of the barn at thatpoint, right? Exactly, and
(22:37):
thanks. I feel like it'sthankfully because if I'm being
real, and I sure I can be here.
I don't know that I would havekept having kids like they are
my biggest joy. They're what Ilive for. I wouldn't change
anything. But I don't know itmight have made me pause. But at
the same time, we have learnedto live with what we have going
on, and it's not, you know, wetry to focus on the positive
(23:01):
parts of it, so I don't know,but maybe not. Maybe I would
have pumped the brakes a littlebit. And, yeah,
Natalie (23:09):
well, I mean, but if you think about it, you're going
to have challenges all in yourlife anyway. And it's not this,
it's going to be something else.
And I just, I wonder about that.
And we were talking a little bitbeforehand. You know, your your
kids is all girls, or did a dida boy make it into the pack,
three
Unknown (23:30):
and three, three girls, and then three boys, which is
really neat, too. Yeah, it evengets wilder. My oldest and
youngest share birthday. They're11 years apart to the day, and
then it gets even wilder. My twomiddles share a birthday
Natalie (23:44):
as well. Oh, that's terribly convenient. I mean, we
this is not that kind ofpodcast, but I'd love to chat
further about that.
Unknown (23:51):
None of it was planned, by the way. That's just how the
cards fell. Yeah, I never winthe lottery, though, if anyone's
wondering, like, I'm not thatlucky.
Natalie (23:58):
So No, no, no, and they increase the lottery rates here
in Virginia. Matt, I'm totallylike, boycotting there. I'm
like, I'm not paying that much,but I will say so. Let me ask
you this, though. So you've gotthe kids are all really kind of
stair stepped, if you thinkabout it, you have kids at some
point that are continuing to getsome level they're all
(24:20):
experiencing some level ofsymptom that's impacting them.
And so you and your husband aresetting back, and because you've
got a lot going on, six kids isa lot anyway, period. I mean,
three is a lot. And so you know,honestly, I'm sure after three,
you're just like, What's onemore? What's one more. And so,
how is it? How is? How is?
Because you've got the pressureof having six kids on your
(24:43):
relationship, but then you alsohave the pressure of all the
doctor's appointments, all thethings that they have to do, and
don't forget, the IEPs thatmight or 504, plans that need to
be done. Because I don't knowwhich one if you had either,
just because they might needaccommodations because of their
illness. Says, and so whatstrain does that put on you and
your husband and you personally?
Unknown (25:05):
That's such an important question. Puts a lot
of strain, a lot a lot ofstrain. I mean, it's already so
exhausting just to be a parent,right? Yeah, finding time for
yourself, finding time together,right? And navigating through
I'm not going to call it a darktime, but it was a very trying
time, you know, during the timesthat my children were small, and
(25:26):
it was beyond the normal, right?
Because how do you coordinateyour schedules? You're trying to
work full time. I'm trying tokeep this business going and
bring in some money and alsofeel fulfilled like things fall
to the wayside, right? Spendingtime together alone. It was
beyond, like, Oh, can we afforda babysitter? Like, we just
physically couldn't do it formany years. Yeah, we just
(25:48):
couldn't do anything beyond bein survival mode. So that was
tricky, it really was. But itdoes get better. It does but,
but it's an everyday it's aneveryday journey, right? Like,
it's everyday, taking a deepbreath and going, okay, like,
yes, chronic pain causes certainmoods, not and it, you know, it
(26:08):
turns out my husband also hassymptoms so but being a man, and
being in his field and all ofthese things, right, learning to
stuff it down. So it's likenavigating all of this together.
But I feel like in a lot ofways, it made us stronger and
brought us together. Like thissort of thing can either tear a
family apart, or it can bringyou together, and we chose to
let it bring us together. ButI'm not trying to paint a
(26:31):
picture like it was fine anddandy and, you know, all just an
easy cakewalk. It really was alot of years there of you know,
are we going to make it? Are wenot? But he is my best friend.
You know, I can't imagine goingthrough this without him. So,
yeah,
JJ (26:47):
so no unicorns and rainbows there. So diagnosis wise, just
out of curiosity, how did itcome? So I know you said fourth
grade was really kind of yoursecond daughter. How? How did
those come? The years? How didthose progress?
Unknown (27:02):
I was thinking about this last night. I don't really
remember, like, you get thissort of this is why the human
species still exists, right?
Like, we forget. It's the samesort of thing when you go
through this. So I don'tremember exactly when it all
unfolded, but it was likediagnosis after diagnosis. And I
think I was told, Sydney, mydaughter, who's 20, my second
(27:22):
born, she crawled so the rest ofthe kids could walk and run. But
the funny part about that, shenever crawled. That's how we
knew something was up with her.
She scooted. But everything shewas going through, and then
coupling my my experiencesgrowing up with hers, I started
to be really good at seeingthings with my kids. And so when
(27:46):
my firstborn son, Mickey said,Oh, I'm feeling this and this,
I'm like, let's go to thedoctor. Like, you know, you just
know right away. Or when mydaughter Macy, who's now 18 and
going off to college, same sortof thing. Like, it wasn't the
exact same symptoms, but it wasjust enough that I was like, but
then I also had to take a deepbreath and go, not just because
(28:06):
it's, you know, you have ahammer, not everything's a nail.
So I had to, like, that's right,step back a little bit. So
that's tricky, too, when you'redealing with the school system,
because they're like, oh, herecomes that mom. She thinks all
over something.
JJ (28:18):
Where do you feel like you got not to say better. But do
you feel like the diagnosis isthe doctors were willing to say,
Yes, this is what it is earlier,like this lady is experienced,
or you still were fighting forhim.
Unknown (28:30):
You know, there are so few rheumatologists for children
in the United States. So whilethat's a terrible thing, it also
means that they all talk to eachother. So I feel like once we
had the diagnosis, not for myfirst daughter, my second born,
it was like the second one, oncethat one came into play, they
were like, okay, she's she mightbe crazy, but not for this
(28:52):
reason. So listen to this mom.
And then I advocated as much asI could, and modeled advocating.
And so then it was like my kidswere taking over for them. For
themselves. They were not goinglove they were not going to be
dismissed. So good luck to anydoctor who encounters them well.
Natalie (29:11):
And all the husbands that are out there for them, I
really appreciate that. And so Ifeel like girls are probably
very strong willed and clearlygoing to be sisters of these
sisters. And so because Mama's,Mama's an advocate. And, you
know, I think that's the that'sthe part that, uh, is so
inspiring for your kids, is tosee my mom doesn't back down. My
(29:31):
mom advocates on her behalf. Andnot only that, I feel empowered
to do so and have my voiceheard. And especially as
females, who we know that it'svery different for male symptoms
versus female symptoms, andthere's not as much research on
the female side. Again, anotherpodcast where we could, you
know, have words about it, butwe know that women's health is
(29:52):
very different and and again,heart attack, stroke, different
for men and women and so and so.
Rather, was there. Differences.
This is interesting, though, andI hadn't thought to go down this
path. Is there differences inthe diagnosis of the girls
versus the boys? Absolutely.
Unknown (30:09):
And we were just talking about this yesterday. So
I'm moving my daughter intocollege and my 20 year olds with
me. And somehow we got onto thistopic. And it was funny, because
in my memory, my 20 year old hadMRIs done of her back and all of
these things. She's like, Mom,no, I still, to this day, have
not been able to get an MRI ofmy back. And I was like, Are you
kidding? So here I am, like,literally, at a gas station,
(30:31):
like truck stop, and I'm sittingoutside the dump, you know, and
I'm like, looking I said, Do Ihave permission to get into your
My church? She said, Yeah, so Igo in, and she's right. She has
not had an MRI of her back. Thisyoung lady is 20, and has had a
diagnosis since 1010, years, hasnever had one. And she goes, You
know, I'm still so upset that.
And so my firstborn son, Mickey,he got an MRI immediately. Like,
(30:56):
immediately, the doctors orderedone, like, immediately, and she
goes, You know, I'm really happyfor him. She's like, I'm really
happy for him, you know, ithelped him get the diagnosis he
needed. So, yes, my sons and youknow, you could argue, Well, you
had other kids already with thediagnosis, so they knew what
(31:17):
path to go down. But no, like,totally different
rheumatologists than the onethey had, but still same
hospital system right away,right away, had an MRI, and then
my second son, out of the wholegroup that has it, same thing.
So we have seen glaringdifferences. When you have an
autoimmune they tend to startyou on, like an anti
(31:37):
inflammatory first, and then, ifthat doesn't work, it's like
that step therapy, right, whichI advocate against. I'm like,
No, we know what this is like,Let's go for it. But the period
of time they made my girlsbeyond that and suffering like
truly suffering, versus my boys.
Now, thankful that my boys gotthe treatment they needed
quickly, but man, like it was
Natalie (32:00):
so glaring. Yeah, that's okay. I'm gonna take the
pause right here, and we'regonna pick right back up, and
we'll be right back. But that'sI had a feeling. You're gonna
tell me that, so we'll be rightback.
Unknown (32:11):
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JJ (32:26):
All right, everybody. We are back here with Trisha
Fitzgerald. So kids are 22 and11. Is that our range right now?
Unknown (32:35):
Yep, she's she'll be 20 they'll both be she'll be 22 in
October, and he'll be 12 inOctober. So they're 11 years
apart to the day.
Natalie (32:43):
Yeah, yeah. I love that. Or so.
Unknown (32:47):
Hold on. Can I math?
He's 10, he'll be 11. I'm sorry.
See when you have this manykids, I'm like, how you're good.
And she'll be 22
JJ (33:00):
I can go. So everybody can, you know, they can find their
own food, they can forage. Sowe're good with that. You know,
how's life now? Like, how has ittransitioned? As everyone's
gotten a little older, and someof them are out on their own,
Natalie (33:15):
they are, everybody's out of diapers. I'm just excited
for y'all, yeah,
Unknown (33:18):
exactly, yeah, yes. So that's so much better. But you
know, as any parent knows, itdoesn't get necessarily easier,
it just changes, right? Yeah,exactly. So my older girls, I
think it's just awesome to watchthem, like I said, getting their
own voice, advocating forthemselves, but then that's the
tricky. You're going out on yourown now. And am I supposed to be
(33:39):
with a pediatric doctor? Do Ineed to switch to an adult
doctor? So that's difficult whenyou have really formed that
relationship, and so they'renavigating that on their own
with me, kind of there, youknow, is
back up. So how do you feelabout that? Are you letting go
or Absolutely? Yeah, I alwayswondered how I would feel. But
out of the nest, it's tricky,right? Because, like, I can see
(34:02):
sometimes that they're notnecessarily, probably getting
what I would think is the bestcare, but I do have to shut my
mom, because it's, it's theirjourney, right, right? But, you
know, especially with thingslike insurance and approvals,
you know, all of that sort ofthing like that, is tricky
stuff. And so they do come to mestill with all of that. But, you
know, dropping my daughter atcollege, and, oh, she's two and
(34:22):
a half hours from the nearestrheumatologist, and like, how
she gonna navigate thoseappointments? And so that's a
different kind of stress, right?
It's that worry. But do you everstop worrying about your kids
whether they have a diagnosis ornot? So yeah,
Natalie (34:36):
we are always transparent. And so we met
Trisha through CVS, who we workwith, she's a specialty pharmacy
user. So are we with our mom andso, you know, I'll say, and
that's why I want to betransparent about it. But you
had, and we watched your videowhere you really utilize
Specialty Pharmacy and how theysupport you, and it really comes
(34:59):
back down to you. You weremanaging 50 meds at one point,
and that, to me was like, she isa total bad a like, she is like,
nailing it. Holy smoke. Everycaregiver is going to be like,
how did you do it? Tricia,what's your secret? Trying to
make sure that you're supportingand keeping everybody alive at
the same time? I probably
Unknown (35:20):
shouldn't say drink heavily, right? No, I'm kidding.
Natalie (35:26):
You know your husband was
Unknown (35:28):
ever no in all seriousness, so it was years of
trying to figure out a system,years and years, okay? But
really honestly, like youbrought up CVS, their their
phone calls. Well, can beannoying. Those really were
helpful, right, especially if Ialready refilled it. I'm like, I
already filled it, but thankgoodness, because there have
been text messages. I get, textalerts, phone calls in emails
(35:52):
reminding me so that's beensuper helpful. I had, at one
point, like a, you know, just anold school calendar that I was
writing everything on, justreminders of who takes what
when. And then, I think, havingso many kids on meds, I learned
that if we can try to streamlineit, so if they're taking
something every two weeks, tryto get it where all the kids are
(36:12):
taking it on the same day. Now Ihave teens and young adults now,
so when they're all home forbreak and whatever like do they
take it on the day they'resupposed to, no, they have
injections. Like, it's me going,Okay, it's on the calendar for
Wednesday. It's now Thursday,and it's not Friday, you know.
But trying to get them to takethat over has been really, you
know, it's, it's a journey ofits own.
JJ (36:35):
In the beginning, you know, I hear you say, okay, there was
a calendar and we took it on thesame day. Now it's kind of like
off. So I'm thinking, you know,it's like, okay, it's a daylight
it's kind of like me and my dogin the flea medicine. I'm like,
Oh, look, it's a week. Like,it's okay. So in the beginning,
I'm thinking, you were probablylike, it has to be, you know,
Thursday at 12 o'clock. Oh, sonow, do you give yourself a
little grace? Like, do you belike, you know, are you like,
(36:57):
okay, you know, I did it, butthe world is not ending. Like,
how does your feeling? Are youlesser of a caregiver because
you missed it? Or you're like,Dude, it's gonna be okay.
Everybody's gonna live depends
Unknown (37:06):
on how much sleep I got in my mood. No, but I got you,
you know, yeah, I think of it asnot that. It's not a life saving
Med, because in so many ways, wegot our lives back. I always
tell people when I got on thisone certain injection. Once I
got my diagnosis, I felt like Ihad my life back. So in that
sense, it is life saving, right?
But I always just try toremember they're going to be
(37:27):
okay if it's a day or two late.
Now, these types of meds, now, Iknow there are some meds you
have to take, like, veryregimented thankfully. You know,
we are blessed that that's notthe case. So I've learned on my
journey to give myself grace,teach the children to give
themselves grace, but also bemindful you still need to take
(37:47):
this med. This is, this is a nonnegotiable, and that's really
tricky, because it'sheartbreaking when your child
first starts an injection andthey're terrified, right? I
guess this is the good side ofhaving a lot of kids that have
it, though, you know, havingyour teen daughter be the first
one to give your son aninjection. So he's going to
trust her, weirdly, becausethey're, like, fighting like
(38:09):
cats and dogs, she's going totrust her a little bit more, I
think, because she's, you know,young and going through it. So I
don't know it's, it's been quitethe journey of, well, the
biggest part for me isremembering. I also take meds.
So as a caregiver, take care
Natalie (38:23):
of yourself. Oh, I'm sorry, you have to take care of
yourself.
Unknown (38:27):
Sure, right? Seems so Elementary, but I just noticed
this morning, I have one pillleft of two of my meds. Like,
how did that happen? Oh, no, soI make sure everyone else has
their meds, as we do ascaregivers, and sometimes I
forget about myself, whetherit's medication or just self
care or what have you. So yeah,I have to remember that we all
(38:49):
matter. We all need to bemindful of that.
JJ (38:52):
Do you feel that as everybody, you're kind of
leaving the nest? How is yourmarriage now? How is
relationship going
Unknown (39:01):
new face, obviously, with the empty nest, things
hurting to happen, but I thinkthat, you know, not that my
husband ever didn't get it, butI was doing the caretaking, and
he really that wasn't hisprimary role. And now I'm back
working full time, you know, foralmost 10 years now. And so he
had no choice. He had no choicebut to become a big part of it.
(39:22):
So he really and I think thathelped me tremendously. You
know, seeing he was alwaysinvested, but it was in a
different way. So that just kindof took us to a new phase where
he's like, No, I got it, andhe'll take them to the
rheumatology appointments. We'restill working on making sure he
schedules the next appointmentbefore he leaves the office,
because that's part of what mysystem is too. Like I will I
(39:45):
know myself. I am not going toremember. I gotta schedule it,
get it on my calendar, you know.
Then go to my chart, then putthe include detail, like I have
this whole thing. And I have toalso remember he's his own
person. He does it differently,you know. So it's that, that
balance of that's a
Natalie (40:03):
true caregiver right there. Because I remember when
we went to do respite for Emily,who'd been caring for mom, she
was given these, these veryexplicit details, and I stopped
listening at turn right, becauseI was like, I should be fine.
And like, I'm like, turn rightat the cow. It's fine. We're
from rural East Tennessee. It'sfunny, because I think that's as
(40:24):
caregivers That's the hardestthing to give up, because number
one, you're the caregiver, butyou will always be primary role
the mama bear, right? And themama bear likes things done the
certain way. And I remember whenEmily had her children, she was
very explicit with her husbandabout what he could and could
not, and so I think that wouldbe kind of hard. But what was
(40:46):
the point where you did? Youhave to have a conversation and
say, I need you to come in more.
I need you to get closer intocaring and helping me with this,
as opposed to being a little bitmore traditional male like the
wife's got it. I mean, we justcall it for what it is. Women
are seen as the as thecaregivers. We just call it for
what it is.
Unknown (41:04):
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't just one conversation, it was a
lot of them. But being that he'snot just a man, he's in such a
male dominated, you know, likehe's
Natalie (41:14):
so he's manly man,
Unknown (41:15):
yeah, exactly. And so he was never resistant to it. I
just think he didn't know how,right? You just didn't know. And
I can't fault someone for nothaving that skill set. You know,
I had to get past my assumptionsthat he didn't want to like I
was the best thing I everlearned. And I think it was a
therapist who told me she saidunspoken needs and wants are
(41:38):
premeditated resentments. And Iwas like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And
so I, you know, and I alreadycommunicate so much, like to the
point my husband's probablylike, if she's still talking,
but I wasn't necessarily sayingthe things that I really needed
to be saying, right? And so Ihad to learn like he's not a
mind reader, you know. And thenI had to express that down, like
(42:00):
I'm not a mind reader, like I, Idon't know how you're feeling in
all of this. And so it's beenyears of us learning how to
communicate in a really healthyway. And so we're not, you know,
we're not 100% there yet, butthat changed everything for me
when I heard that.
Natalie (42:17):
Well, you know, I'm not gonna lie to you, that is
clearly going to be a clip,because that's good advice. That
is really good sound advice. Andsometimes, and you've mentioned
going to a counselor, I mean,sometimes that's what you need,
independent person to be able tohear what you're saying. Give a
different perspective and say,Have you thought about it this
(42:38):
way? And I can tell you how manytimes I've gotten frustrated
with my husband, even now, youknow, I don't want to be your
mom. I don't want to tell youwhat to have to do and but I'm
glad you mentioned that, becauseI guess if I don't tell him
certain thing, then I end uphaving to get into this. And you
(42:58):
get in, it's so circular. Youget into these and it becomes un
it's unnecessary, and I think sostop us. You know, for me, I
would say to myself, stopassuming Jason knows everything
that you want in your mind,
Unknown (43:12):
right, right? Exactly like they may be your person,
but they don't necessarily, youknow, weirdly, they can't read
your thoughts well. And I'm allover the place, right? I thought
it was just part of the wholedeal. But there's some days
where I'm feeling this, and thenthere's other days, and I'm sure
it's very confusing for him,because he's like, what? But as
long as I'm communicating it,right, and I keep telling him
(43:34):
that as well, um, but there'sthat piece of like, I think, and
maybe it's sexist to say this,but men are not taught to be
vulnerable. They're not taughtthat it's safe. So it's been a
lot of those conversations, ofit's okay to talk about your
feelings, but then rememberingmaybe he doesn't have the words
for the feelings. So Right?
Like, I don't know, I just feeloff, or I just feel whatever. So
I mean, we just had thisconversation right before I left
(43:57):
with my daughter. Like I couldsee, you know, the body tension
and the way he was holding hisbody. And I was like, Do you
feel it? Do you see it? And hewas like, I'm just cut, you
know? And he got defensive atfirst. And then the thing, so my
parents had this thing when theywould start to get at each
other, they would yell, mashedpotatoes. That was the thing
that stopped them, I know. So weit was hilarious. One of them
would just go mashed potatoes.
(44:21):
So the thing my husband and Ido, and then they would both
laugh, right? Like, how can younot someone's screaming mashed
potatoes at you. So my husbandand I, have you seen that meme
where the guy goes, Oh, what isthat? Is that a mockingbird? And
then it goes to the cliff of themockingbird, and the
mockingbirds going, Oh, is it amockingbird? Is it a
mockingbird? It's so goofy, butanytime he's starting to get
(44:46):
defensive, now he'll catch himand take a breath and go and
then I just start cracking and Ido it to myself as well. So I
got him to kind of slow down, dothe mockingbird, and then. Off,
which sounds hilarious. And thenhe went, you know, I think I'm
stressed about, I don't know.
And I go, well, what couldpossibly be going on this week?
(45:08):
Oh yeah, you're leaving with ourdaughter to take her to college.
And then we have two of our boysaway at camp this week for
arthritis camp. So just kind ofteaching each other, it's okay
again, to not be okay and topause to breathe, do your
Mockingbird or mashed potatoesor whatever it is you do, you
know, to bring levity to thesituation and then talk about
(45:30):
it. I mean, it's not perfect,like there's doors slammed and
whatever, but once in a while.
But this is kind of where we'veevolved to which, when I think
back to years, you know, 10years ago, I never would have
dreamed this is where we'd be.
It's awesome. Yeah, those
JJ (45:46):
are basic marriage skills, though, Trisha, you know? I
mean, that's advice for anybodythat's so fantastic to just say
you have to deescalate it and goadd mashed potatoes or
Mockingbird. Those are justfantastic. You know,
Unknown (45:58):
that's fantastic. Well, and we do the same thing with
the kids when they're having ahard time, right? You got to
bring levity, deescalate. Doesit always work? No, but we try,
Natalie (46:08):
yeah. But you know what? I will say this, if you
really think about it, comesback to being a safe word and
and really just saying, I'm I'mnot okay, I'm upside down, or I
don't want to, I need to pause.
And a lot of people think thatthey're they, they can't walk
away from a difficultconversation and come back to
it. And so I think manycaregivers, and I'm sure mom and
Emily experienced this together,but this is any, this is any,
(46:30):
whether it's parent childdynamic, rather, it's a
caregiver dynamic with theperson they're caring for, or
just could be siblings, it'sanybody. How do you start
teaching healthy ways to havedifficult conversations, and
when the when you get to a pointyou need to step away and that
you can come back so that youhave can have finished the
conversation? Because youreally, the last thing you
(46:52):
really want to have to do ishave a relationship repair,
because that means you let it gotoo far. But if you let it go
too far, you need to repair therelationship, because otherwise
it's inside of you like a cancerand it just eats at you
absolutely and I think that'spretty big. You know, it's time.
I can't believe this, because weare well over our time. I think
it's time to ask our othersister some questions.
JJ (47:16):
I know I have to, but the first little more in depth, but
the second one is not okay. Howdoes it make you feel as a mom
to see the kids relationshiptogether and how they help one
another? How does it make
Unknown (47:30):
you make me feel there's so many different
feelings. One of them is okay.
Let's start with the positive. Ifeel really proud of the of the
journey that we've been on, myhusband and me and my kids,
those good days and those baddays, right? And working
together. But then there's thatMama guilt too. Back to your
first one of your firstquestions of or when you
mentioned they might want theirmoney back. You know, it's like,
(47:54):
so it's awesome to see themhelping each other and
advocating and because theyinnately know, you know, they
don't know exactly whatsomeone's feeling, but they know
what it's like to have a chronicillness and have a bad day. So
that's awesome. It makes me feelso good. But then there are
moments of that Mama guilt oflike, oh, fuck that. They have
to go through this, right? Butthat's where I am. I mean, I do
(48:17):
my best to not internalize thatand make that my own, because
it's where we are, it's whatwe're it's what we're dealing
with, right? It's the cards wewere dealt. So, yeah, it's
pretty awesome seeing them worktogether.
Natalie (48:30):
Yeah, I like focusing on acknowledging the hard, but
not focusing on the positive,because all it's done is built
resilience. They're going to bepretty darn resilient kids,
Unknown (48:39):
100% there are days, though, where I can see it on
the face. They're like, but Idon't want to have to be so
resilient, right? And that'sfair. That's fair, yeah. But
yeah, you know, it's thatserenity prayer. I always say we
have to accept the things thatwe can't change and know the
difference between the things wecan and can't. And so it's
really awesome to see themworking together and supporting
(49:00):
each other. And of course,there's like, the normal sibling
things too, where I'm like,doesn't matter, what else does
these kiddos have?
JJ (49:08):
They're good. Now you're good. The one thing, here's my
fast the one thing that, whenyou're, you know, we talk about
the yuckiness, you got to getout of the yuckiness. What's
your thing? What's your thingthat you would say to somebody,
well,
Unknown (49:21):
so our thing is finding the glimmers, right? And finding
those positive moments, even ifthe rest of the day was just,
you know, so we try to do thingstogether, you know, like it's
something simple, like justcuddling on the couch, right? I
love that my my 12, soon to be13 year old, still cuddles.
Actually, he just turned 12. Whyam I trying to make him older? I
(49:42):
don't or is he 13? Y'all, Idon't know how old my kids are,
but my son, who's going intoeighth grade, I think he's 13.
He just still crawls up into thebed and, like, wants to cuddle,
he still wants to watch Netflix.
So I'm holding on to thosemoments, right? So on those good
days and bad days, but alsomusic, live music is our thing.
So. So like, we just went to seeMelissa Etheridge and Indigo
Girls just two nights agotogether.
Natalie (50:04):
Oh, my God. So we
Unknown (50:07):
even take road trips, like we'll get in the car and
we'll drive to another state togo to live music together, or
just down the street to a place.
To me, music is pain relief,like it really is. It's what
keeps me going. And so I've kindof tried to pass that down to my
kids. So yeah, that's what wedo. We try to find those
glimmers and not get stuck, likeacknowledging we're having a bad
day or a bad week or a month orwhatever, but not get stuck in
(50:29):
that.
Natalie (50:32):
Yeah, I'm going to tell you, I absolutely love that. I
know that you put down on selfcare, because we always ask our
guests, you know, are therethings that you recommend? And
we always try to hit on theseareas, because that's the thing.
This is what we want to know.
Like we all want to know thesecret sauce, right? And if
there was, and it's really not asecret, it's just saying it out
loud, because I think we allknow the things that help us.
(50:52):
And then as the kids get older,they'll start start to find
other things that also promotetheir self care. Like you talked
about live music. I love thecuddling that was and washing
trust TV. I'm gonna tell youright now, guilty pleasure. I
mean this. I mean, hello, thankyou, Netflix. You're the best
thing in the universe, andAmazon Prime, okay? But not like
Netflix, yeah, you know, thiswas what it is. And then the
(51:15):
other thing is, you said talkingabout painting, drawing, about
screaming into the universe,about our small victories and
our challenges related to ourconditions. And so I think you
have to, I think it's sotherapeutic to be able to be
angry about the things you wantto be angry about and then move
on, like, right? I'm going toverbalize and pissed right now.
(51:37):
Excuse me. Beep, beep. But beingable to say that because
otherwise it's just false. It'snot being authentic to
themselves, exactly, exactly. Ihave
Unknown (51:47):
a real problem with toxic positivity. Positivity is
fine looking, you know, on thebright side, but there you it
can become toxic, and so it'sokay. I mean, I could say all
day long it's okay to not beokay, but don't get stuck in it,
you know. And how do you dothat? You find the things that
make your heart
Natalie (52:03):
sing, hmm, I see music always comes back to music.
Okay, I have one last question,and then, and then we're gonna
be besties forever, because thismakes me so happy. Okay, so this
is always my favorite question,what is your favorite guilty
pleasure? What is the thing thatyou do just for you, that you
love to do just for you. You'renot sharing with anybody.
Unknown (52:26):
Oh my gosh, my ice cream. That's number one. I had
to pick one. You can
Natalie (52:32):
have multiple. You can have multiple.
Unknown (52:34):
What is your favorite guilty pleasure? Honestly, I
probably my ice cream, mintchocolate chip ice cream. I
mean, so much so, like, I haveto stick with this one, because
even at my work, someone boughta tub of it for me. How do they
even know that I like mychocolate like I must be
obsessed with it, if even mystaff is buying me. I was like,
(52:55):
you know, so that must be mything. My ice cream definitely
do not eat out of my ice creambowl, because I might snap on
you, but I would have said, likegoing to music shows, but now
that's what we do together,right? So, yeah, that's my
guilty pleasure. I mean,spending way more money than I
ever should. I'm going to showsand then eating ice cream
afterwards. You
Natalie (53:18):
know you're gonna spend your money on stuff, spend your
money on on experiences. There'sall kinds of things that you can
buy, but the things get thrownaway, and so the times that
you've been together, andhonestly, you said Melissa
Etheridge and Indigo Girls, youhad now went to a concert at
Indigo Girls about 15 years ago,and we, I mean, that's And the
(53:40):
funny thing is, is like, and shebought me a goat the other day,
and it's not a real goat, it'sanother real goat. I was so
jealous. She has no clue thatit's right beside me, and she
said she bought me this goat,and it's because I make the goat
noise.
Unknown (53:58):
It's also, I think she's the greatest of all time.
Yeah,
Natalie (54:05):
clearly, I'm like Tom Brady, but blonder,
Unknown (54:09):
we're now like absolute besties. Yeah. Well, I did have
a goat one time
Natalie (54:15):
when I ran a treatment facility, I had to heed the
goat. But he was, he was, yeah,he was pretty great. But I will
say this The times I will. Ilove my goat, but it is the time
that I spend with my sistersthat actually is the most
meaningful, right,
Unknown (54:32):
right? I mean time with the ice creams also, but I
actually like it better when Iwas with my people. You know
exactly.
Natalie (54:40):
So why not? You can find your guilty pleasure and
your best,
Unknown (54:45):
your tribe.
Natalie (54:46):
This has been so much fun. Trisha, I'm so like, happy
as a lamb, starting off our day,right? That's my answer, yeah,
you started off our day, right?
I thank you so much for beingwith us, and really appreciate
it. Appreciate all the sharingof the knowledge and all that
greatness. Thank you for having
Unknown (55:03):
me. This was a lot of fun. So maybe I can come back
some other time.
Natalie (55:07):
And when I come to Chicago, I'm coming up and
eating pizza, and you'll have totell me exactly where I need to
go, and we'll go eat ice cream,go to a concert. Because for
sure,
Unknown (55:16):
all of for sure. I mean, I want go big or go home.
So we were, can I make you evenmore jealous. We were in the
second row. Ready? Second row?
Yeah. I mean,
JJ (55:24):
were you singing the song?
Oh, everything.
Unknown (55:27):
They were looking right at me. We were like,
Natalie (55:29):
they knew you. She was like, we should bring her up on
stage. Yeah, bring her up andlet her be one of the backup
girls
Unknown (55:38):
I know right now. You know why I'm in the second row,
right? All right. Well, thankyou for having me. This was so
much fun.
Natalie (55:47):
Absolutely. Thanks so much, Joe. You wanna close this
JJ (55:49):
out absolutely, Natalie, until we confess again, we will
see you next time. Bye, bye.
Natalie (55:59):
Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession
again. Thank you so much forlistening, but before you go,
please take a moment to leave usa review and tell your friends
about the confessions podcast.
Don't forget to visit ourwebsite to sign up for our
newsletter. You'll also find thevideo recording of all of our
episodes on the confessionswebsite and our YouTube channel.
(56:19):
Don't worry, all the details areincluded in the show notes
below. We'll see you nextTuesday when we come together to
confess again. Till then, takecare of you. Okay, let's talk
disclaimers. You may besurprised to find out, but we
are not medical professionalsand are not providing any
(56:42):
medical advice. If you have anymedical questions, we recommend
that you talk with a medicalprofessional of your choice. As
always, my sisters and I, atConfessions of a reluctant
caregiver, have taken care inselecting speakers, but the
opinions of our speakers aretheirs alone. The views and
opinions stated in this podcastare solely those of the
(57:05):
contributors and not necessarilythose of our distributors or
hosting company. This podcast iscopyrighted, and no part can be
reproduced without the expressedwritten consent of the
sisterhood of care LLC. Thankyou for listening to The
Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver podcast.
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