June 17, 2025 • 60 mins
Stacy Ryan’s powerful story is a testament to love, resilience, and the human capacity to heal after profound loss. Her journey began with her own cancer diagnosis at 45, which she survived, followed by her husband John’s battle with cancer that ultimately claimed his life in December 2020. Throughout their cancer journey, they demonstrated an extraordinary partnership, supporting each other with deep love and commitment, facing each challenge together with grace and vulnerability.
After losing John, Stacy chose to honor his wishes by living her life to the fullest. She channeled her grief into creative pursuits, writing a three-book series about her experiences and launching a podcast focused on her journey through widowhood. Her commitment to healing and personal growth led her to unexpected places, including finding love again with another widower named John, with whom she is now building a new life. In a beautiful tribute to her resilience, she is also preparing to open a yoga and wellness studio in the fall, continuing to pursue her passions and create meaning from her experiences.
What makes Stacy’s story particularly inspiring is her approach to grief and the healing process. She refused to be defined by her loss, instead choosing to embrace joy, laughter, and new opportunities. Her message is clear: there is no single path through grief, and it’s possible to honor past love while creating space for new love and experiences. Her journey demonstrates that life can be “brutally beautiful”—filled with profound pain, yet also incredible hope and renewal.
About Stacy:
Stacy Ryan embodies resilience, completing an Ironman at 36, surviving cancer at 45, and navigating widowhood at 52. These experiences fuel her work as a self-published author and podcaster, where she shares her journey of life, love, and loss, aiming to help others on similar paths. Her diverse career, from corporate HR to fitness director, laid the foundation for her current endeavors. Her podcast, "My Whole New Life," launched in 2023, followed by her "Whole New Life" three-book series in 2024. Stacy finds joy in motivating others to pursue what resonates with them, whether it's achieving a fitness goal or writing a book, reflecting her belief that anything is possible. Outside of work, she enjoys cycling, yoga, and time with friends and family, creating lasting memories.
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Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:00):
Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the
(00:02):
Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver. Podcast. On the show,
you'll hear caregiversconfessing the good, the bad and
the completely unexpected.
You're guaranteed to relate beinspired. Leave with helpful
tips and resources and, ofcourse, laugh. Now let's jump
right in to today's guestconfession. Hey, Jay, hi,
Natalie, how are you doing? I'mgreat. You know what? What we
(00:27):
have been on a recording sprintspree, sprint. I mean, I feel
like I've been talking, like mymouth might be tired, that never
has happened before. Actually,don't even know what to say to
I might be a little tired,that's all you know. What though
I we have been recording. We'vehad some of the most amazing
(00:49):
stories, and it seemsappropriate that we would wrap
up our six episode recordingspree with the amazing Stacy
Ryan. You gave away part of mystory doesn't even matter. Stacy
is so amazing, and I get to, Ihave the privilege, I get to
talk to all the guestsbeforehand and become best
friends with them. I know, andso. And Stacy and I also have a
(01:13):
connection, though, to actuallymore like Stacey and my husband.
People were like, what? Andlike, yes, and so but, but
Stacey has been a caregiver, andI would love for you to share
more about Stacey so we canbring her in. Because people are
like, we don't want to hear youlike, yeah, stop chatting,
girls, all right, summer. So weare incredibly excited, Stacey,
(01:34):
to have you here with us. StaceyRyan,
this, she really explained whoshe was best. She gave me a
timeline in her bio, shestarted, I did the Ironman at 36
love that survived cancer at 45check and became a widow at 52
she was like, here's my summary.
Let's break it down. It'scaregiving for her husband that
brings her to us today. And Ithink for me, the question that
(01:57):
I want to hear is, what do youdo when all treatment options
are gone, and how do you livethose days with the one that you
love? Because I think Stacy'sgot a lot of insight for us. And
what do you do the rest of yourlife? Because Stacey has done a
lot. She is, yeah, yeah. She'sturned around. Thank you, Stacy.
Well, joining us, and I'll saythis. I mean, they're a love
(02:18):
story. They are they are they?
Stacy and her husband were, andalways will be a love story for
me. And even though, no matterwhat life takes you after in
your next chapter and orwhatever you want to call that
next stage chapter, whatever wecall it, proverbially,
(02:39):
it's a love story, and I was soprivileged to getting to hear
about their story and how theyspent their time together. So
Stacy, thank you for being withus. Really appreciate it.
You're welcome. And you knowwhat you call it? Natalie, a
whole new life. Oh, I like awhole new life, which is what
the name of my podcast is, andmy book series and what I'm
(03:01):
living right now? Yeah, yeah,absolutely forward. You know
what? You're exactly, right? Itis a whole new life. Because
people always say, oh, you know,well, what's that? Is it? Is it
a phase? Is it a stage? Becausepeople always want to define it.
And the reality is, is, yeah,you're allowed to have a whole
new life again, and you can dothat. Lived an amazing life with
(03:21):
30 years, which is a big chunkof time with my husband, and I'm
still young, so I feel like Ihave a whole new life to live. I
had to discover that through,you know, process of grieving
and whatnot. But it's, it's it'shappening. Oh, that is
absolutely true. Well, we'regoing to kick right off into
we're going to kick off. And Iwant to give some context. Want
(03:44):
to make sure, or actually, forour listeners, let's talk about
your background. You know, whereyou're from, like, where you
grew up, all the good stuff.
Kind of bring us up how you metMike and and let's go. Let's
talk about life. Let's give ouraudience, kind of the background
the back.
(04:05):
What happened? Exciting. Oh mygosh. You were born.
Well, once upon a time in 1968No, so I was born and raised. I
You guys are like from thesouth, and I do not talk like
that. So there's this distinctaccent, difference. I'm one from
Wisconsin, born and raised here,graduated high school in 86 and
(04:26):
kind of wandered the world,like, what should I do with my
life? And, uh, ended up workingjust random jobs where I met my
husband John, in 1990 um,through a setup kind of thing.
That's what you did back then,right come to happy hour. And
there I was. There he was. Sothat was December 7, 1990 and
(04:48):
quite literally, because I wasstill, at this point in my life,
trying to discover what I wantto do when I grow up, which, PS,
I still haven't figured that.
Out or still playing around.
I was contemplating moving toColorado. I had family there.
And I'm like, oh, maybe that's agood idea where I should go. And
(05:09):
then I met him, and I'm like,yeah, no, I I'm good, I can just
stay here. Um. And he's like,Don't hold me back. You know,
don't let me hold you back. Ifthere's some place that you want
to be, I'm like, Nope, I'm quitehappy here. So obviously stayed.
We got married in 1993and then we worked hard in our
careers. He worked for the sameemployer for over 30 years, and
(05:32):
worked his way up through thatemployer in Little Match walk
Wisconsin, and and then I workedmy way up through an accounting
and human resources career aswell. We chose not to have kids.
Someone has to be the cool auntand uncle Crazy, right? Look at
JJ and I remember it is us. Itis our sister, Emily was
(05:56):
responsible for having the kids.
Yeah, Emily an iPad full for allthe childbearing. And I'm like,
I did not want to wreck thatarea. So totally fine. Let Emily
have it. Yep, everybody has astrength in the family and the
friendship group. So, boom, yep.
So I have over 12 nieces andnephews. I have great nephews
(06:16):
now, which I feel like when Ihad great aunts when I was
little. They were in their 80s.
Oh, yeah, it's kind of thisweird thing. But anyway, um, so
those are the people we spoiltheir whole life, and we were
actively involved in their life,uh, traveled and just, you know,
I'm just did the thing, youknow, just, it was him and I,
and it was easy, it was fun, itwas relaxing, it was
(06:38):
adventurous. I could probablycount on one hand how many times
we fought, and if we did it wasover dumb things, right? Yeah,
so we're just living our bestlife. Through my own personal
career, I decided to, in my late30s, early 40s, to leave the
corporate world. I'm like, Youknow what? And it's very similar
(06:59):
to, I understand your story aswell. It just kind of got sick
of that whole thing that comeswith the corporate world, right?
You know? And I would was, Iloved what I did, but I didn't
like all the other stuff thatwas behind the scenes. And I had
an amazing husband at that time.
I was doing Iron Man and crazythings like that. So I was very
(07:21):
heavily involved in fitness. Ihad a passion, personally, to
help others in that world.
And one day I'm like, you know,he's like, you're coming home
crying every night. It's justnot worth it. Why don't you just
leave? I'm like, like, justleave. Like, like, who I do?
He's like, you'll figure it out.
(07:43):
Well, I did, and I was teachingclasses at a local YMCA at the
time, and I walked in, I'm like,Hey, I got a lot of free time,
so if you have anyopportunities, well, next year,
you know, I'm I went fromcorporate flying to meetings,
and were in business suits andmaking $25 million healthcare
(08:05):
decisions to wearing sweatpants,making $9 an hour, and loving
every second of it like that'sthe real that is the American
dream. So I will laugh and saythat was my life.
I went from I went fromcorporate banking to selling
Nemo and Dory for a living. SoI'm gonna tell you that best
life change. I love that Stacy.
(08:27):
You know, I'm sure like you, youhad recruiters who would reach
out to like, hey, hey, and Iwould talk to my husband. I'm
like, should I go back? He'slike, look, I have not seen you
this happy in a long time, whywe're fine. We're fine. So
within 10 months of that, thefitness director position became
(08:50):
open, and went for it, and I gotthat. So then I got to live this
sort ofWoW dream that I didn't even
know I had a dream of, as far asI am now having a career in
something I'm super passionateabout, and I get to be in
charge, you know, like I get tomake an impact a difference. I
get to, you know, help bringexciting things in this world to
(09:13):
the community. So I was againliving my best life,
you know, doing our thing, andthen, I don't know
if it's really ironic, but it'skind of ironic, I guess, in a
weird way, in 2013Well, it was probably about a
year and a half to two yearsbefore that, one of the programs
that I helped bring into theYMCA was, it's called LIVESTRONG
(09:35):
at the YMCA, I don't know ifyou're familiar with it. So it's
a cancer survivor program, it'san exercise cancer survivor
program, and it's a, it's anational YMCA program. So I was
very fortunate. I'm like, Yes,I'm going to be part of this
team to bring this here. And Iwas, I don't like, not only did
bring it to the Y here, but Iwas a.
(10:00):
Coach. I was a mentor. I reallygot hands on involved. I worked
with the local hospitals, withthe oncology team, and just it
was, and at the time of my life,I never even had anybody.
I mean, my grandma passed away.
My grandparents passed away fromcancer, but that was, you know,
when, when you're younger,that's just, I don't know that
it feels surreal. It doesn'tfeel real Exactly, yeah, but I
(10:20):
don't know. Something was justpassionately driving me to just
be to make this program the bestthat it could be. And I had met
well over 200 cancer survivorsthroughout this time frame. And
then all of a sudden, one day inOctober of 2013
my husband and I, and then mybrother and sister in law came
(10:43):
home from, uh, Green Bay Packersfootball game, living our best
life, you know, enjoying thefall weather. Cheese heads.
Yeah, obviously, you know yourcheese heads. I love that. Yeah,
it I don't wear that cheese headto the Packers game, per se, but
others do,but yeah, my sister in law had
never gone to a game, so we didall the things, the tailgating
(11:05):
and everything that comes withit. So
that night, we came home, andthey were staying at our house.
They live out of town, and mybrother looks at me and he's
like, Why do you have a lump onyour neck? I mean, we're just
watching TV in their sweatpants,and I'm like, I don't even know
what you're talking about rightnow. So I went into the bathroom
(11:26):
and there was a golf ball sizedborder, as I call it, on my
neck.
I'm like, Huh? That's weird. AndI didn't have any symptoms. I
didn't have anything thattriggered that.
But I'm like, that's weird. Soovernight, I got really sick. I
(11:47):
got flu, like symptoms, and whenwe woke up the next day, I felt
bad because we couldn't call forbreakfast. I'm like, sorry,
guys, I don't feel good. And myhusband's like, um, you have a
lump on your neck and you don'tfeel good, we're going to the
doctor, yeah. And I was always,and has still am, you know, into
preventive care, so I'm like,okay, yep, something's weird,
(12:09):
right? Yeah.
Well, within that time frame,they said, Oh, Stacy, sometimes
lymph nodes pop up and createflu like symptoms or vice versa.
Here's some steroids. If itdoesn't go down in the next
couple days, call us. So therewas no indication of anything to
be alarmed of Wednesday. So Iwas home from work Wednesday. So
(12:33):
that was a Monday. Wednesday wasstill exactly the same size,
still felt the same. So Icalled, they got me into a ear,
nose and throat doctor.
He said, the same thing, Stacy,it looks like, you know, it
could be just the lymph node.
Here's to continue the steroids.
However, if it doesn't go downin size by Friday, I will
(12:56):
surgically remove this. So hewas on it. They weren't wasting
any time. I had the best team.
So Friday came Same place, samesize, same symptoms. So I called
he's like, come on in. So hecanceled his hunting trip
weekend. I went in for my firstsurgery ever in my life, and
they removed the lymph node.
(13:19):
That weekend was our 20thwedding anniversary, and so I
looked at the doctor, and I'mlike, Can I at least have a
glass of wine with my husbandtomorrow to celebrate as I sit
here with this ugly gauze on myneck that I've said surgery,
he's like, of course, they seeso the weekend went through. We
(13:39):
celebrated our 20th anniversaryin sweatpants, and, you know, a
gauze of gauze, gauze on myneck. And again, I started to
feel better. But again, nothingalarming was was there. I went
back to work on Tuesday.
I'm in my office. And these aremoments in time of your life
(14:00):
that you will never forget, andwhen you talk about them, it
triggers emotions. So it's abouttwo o'clock, I'm in my office,
catching up with have a meetingin my someone in my office, and
I'm catching up because I've nowbeen gone for a week
unexpectedly. So I just kind ofcatching up with everybody. And
my phone rings on my officephone, so I ignore because I'm
(14:23):
in a meeting.
Two seconds later, my cell phonerings same phone number. I'm
like, hang on a second. So I'mlike, Hey, this is Stacy, and it
was my doctor who removed thelymph node on that Friday. And
because he knew I was, you know,health and fitness director, he
knew I loved teaching cyclingclass, and he's like, Stacy,
(14:44):
just take a week off to recover.
Don't exercise. I'm like, I Icaptain, I promise. So I quite
literally, because he was thisamazing human. Thought he was
just calling to see how I wasdoing and ensuring that I wasn't
exercising. And.
He's like, hey, Stacey, youneeded you know, how are you?
I'm back to work, and don'tworry, I'm not exercising. And
(15:07):
he's like, I don't want to saythis over the phone, but I'm
wondering if you and John cancome in to the office today we
found cancer cells, andwait what? He's like,
I don't want to talk to youabout it over the phone. I want
to talk to you about it inperson. I'm like, Yep,
(15:29):
so I hung up the phone, andI have this beautiful girl who
is actually a friend of mine,you know, sitting in in my
office, and I have the tears,and they can't even speak, and
I'm like, they found cancer.
And she comes and gives me ahuff. I'm like, I have to call
John. So I called my husband,and I again, couldn't barely get
(15:50):
the words out, and all Iremember saying, Dr Clemens just
called and he said, I havecancer cells. He's like, I'm on
the way. My husband works 40minutes from where I am. He was
there, I swear to God, in 30 andhe comes running into my office.
He held me tight. He's like, wegot this, we'll do this
(16:13):
together. So we went. We had,like, 20 minutes to spare. So we
went to our house, and I left mycar at the Y
and we just sat there, and hejust held me, and I I've seen my
husband cry before that oneother time when a good friend of
his passed away, my husband wasthe strong one, and I could hear
(16:36):
him sniffling as I'm laying onhis shoulder,
and I sat up. I'm like, why areyou crying farewell, knowing why
he is, but he's like, I don'twant anything to happen to you.
We had an amazing marriage up tothat point already, and it just
something just happened thatelevated that to a whole nother
level. So we left, and thedoctor told us we had to find
(17:02):
out where your cancer is. That'sall we know, is that you have
it. When do you want a PET scan?
I'm like, like, right thissecond. So anyway, was scheduled
for 48 hours later, and thenfound out I had left tonsil
cancer. I had a half inch tumoron my tonsil. They removed it,
went through that process ofhealing and then started
(17:24):
treatment. So that was like outof the blue. My husband took me
to radiation every day. Hedrove. He left work early, and
then would work from home forthe rest of the day. And then,
after I recovered, which was inthe spring of the following
year,it was horrendous, like there
were moments where I wanted togive up and it was hard, but he
(17:46):
was there caring for me andhelping me get through those
moments into of time. And whenit was all done and I was
starting to recover, he's like,You know what? I'm taking you to
Mexico. Let's get away for awhile. Let's just and what is
this? Is this. This is why thisis such an amazing thing that
I'm sharing. That point is myhusband. We went to Mexico
(18:09):
numerous times, but he's like,he wasn't a sun guy, he wasn't
sitting the beach guy, but heknew I was, and so that's where
he took me. Mm, and wecelebrated life. We had a party
that that summer. Like, whoa. Welike, wow, that was hard.
Um, so that was that. And then Iretired from the y, well, and
(18:31):
I'm and actually, you said, andthen I retired from the Y, and
I'm gonna pause us there,because we have, we're gonna
take a break, because that'swhat, and that is, my friends,
the connection between Jason andStacy, because they're head and
neck cancer survivors, and sowhen I first met Stacey, I was
like, Oh, my heart. And so we'regoing to take a break and we're
(18:53):
going to come right back.
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All right, everybody. We areback here with Stacey Ryan, and
I feel like she has conqueredhead and neck cancer. We're at
that point she gets I'm going tosay this, and this is a clean
(19:55):
thing, but she kicked cancer'sass. Go for it. I'm going to
tell you that this is a cleanpart.
Podcast. But I am going to saythat, because anyone you kicked
its butt and and she is on theother side of it, and her
wonderful husband took her toMexico to celebrate. We went to
Disney. I don't even, I can'teven say that, Stacy, you
totally got the win on the onthe trip, I'm going to tell you
(20:17):
right now, yeah, we went withour friends. So, yeah, so you
did that, and I hear you say,John is he was? Sounds like a
fantastic caregiver. You retirefrom the why? And you you're
very active. And you guys haveyears you've got, you know, you
keep seven years. You keepmoving through life. Tell me
(20:38):
what happens. Tell me where,what happens with you and John,
what happens in 2020So, yep, life was clicking
along. I got to retire early,and then at the end of 2019
similar to me is we werewatching the packer game at
(20:58):
home, and my husband was like,You know what I don't feel good,
which is something that he, ifever said, and so he just, we
kind of just lay around andlounge around that Sunday, the
Packers game was on thatevening, and before the packer
game, he's like, you know, I'mgonna take a shower, and maybe
that'll just snap out. I just,I'm feeling weak, tired. You
(21:22):
know, this will help snap that.
So he did, andhe he's in the shower, and I'm
around the corner getting snacksready for the packer game. And,
you know, again, living our bestlife, mine and you know thing,
andalso didn't hear him calling my
name in sort of a panic. That'ssort of a panic voice. And by
(21:44):
the time I came around thecorner, he was passed out.
So he came to, I'm ready to dial911, and he's coming to, he's
like, what happened? Well, we hewas dizzy, and he feels like he
just got to too out of a shower.
So that evening, we just laidlow. I want to take him to the
hospital, but he said, No, let'sjust wait. So we woke up in the
(22:06):
morning, and very similar, I'mlike, something's wrong, and he
admittedly said something'swrong. So we went to the doctor,
and at the time, they ran sometests, and they found out that
his iron was, like, below thecharts low. So here's the horse
size pills, you know, sized ironpills. Take these. So he worked
from home. Then it was, I don'tknow, three or four weeks, you
(22:30):
guys, before, like nothing waschanging. The his symptoms were
exactly the same, weak, dizzyand tired. So he would sleep
work, sleep work. And finally,I'm like, Honey, like nothing's
changing. I feel like we need todo something else. So we call
the doctor, and they ordered astool sample based on his
(22:51):
symptoms, like, let's check tosee what's going on. Found some
blood in the stool. We're goingto schedule a colonoscopy and a
stomach scope. Okay? So did thatwithin a few days, and I asked
the doctor, as we're sittingthere in the waiting room,
because I went to everyappointment with him, my you
were gonna get the resultstoday, right? Doctor, he's, you
(23:13):
know, he it wasn't the greatestexperience of our life, but he's
like, you know, obviously, if Ihave something to show you, I
will, you know, show you. I'mlike, Okay, it's almost rude.
It's almost rude when doctorsdon't understand your past
trauma. Because you guys, andwe're very sensitive to this,
it'sbecause Jason has a colonoscopy
(23:34):
tomorrow, and I'm going to tellyou, he is very nervous, and
it's exactly that. And when aphysician doesn't understand,
like, I'm going to want thatresult, like, stat like, because
I'm nervous about this, becauseof things have happened in the
past, it's there's almost somevalue to being like, Hey, come
on, I need some grace here. Soright? And even if they don't
(23:56):
know your past, at least stillbe empathetic. Yeah, exactly.
Were there not for routinecolonoscopy? Yeah. So as soon as
the doctor walked in,because he did after the
colonoscopy, I could, I couldtell something was not right by
his demeanor. And he said, Allright, John and Stacy, here's
the picture of your stomach. Itlooks fine. And flipped the
(24:19):
page, and all I saw was thisbaseball size black blob on this
piece of paper in the middle ofan organ. And I'm like, okay,
and he said, I can't be forcertain that it's cancer, but it
most likely is. So again, in animmediate moment which we
weren't prepared for.
(24:44):
That's it. Our life changed. Andso he's like, we'll send it in
by the time, you know, was sentin, and then we had a CT scan,
and by the time, within a week,we had gotten the results from
that team, and we had eightdoctors under.
Just in our room saying it hasmetastasized to your liver. We
gotta go. We gotta start rightnow. So you don't even have time
(25:08):
to breathe and process rightnow. You're now, you're in the
zone, you're in the cancer zone,and you just go, you do whatever
you're told, and go. So westarted treatment immediately
every treatment he had, it was achemo
regimen. It and we went right tothe aggressive it like this was
(25:31):
the last resort chemo that wewent to, and it kicked his butt.
So it was supposed to be whereone week he would not feel well,
one week, feel decent, and thenanother treatment and continue
that until the tumors wouldreduce and or be eliminated.
Boom, have surgery. Boom, youknow, have some years left,
(25:56):
but the cancer, or the chemo,quite literally just took him
down and out for the whole twoweeks. Yeah, and he was sick. I
was taking him in for fluids.
Um,it was horrible. Stacey, do you
think you were a differentcaregiver because of your
experience previously, 100%and part of the thing because I
(26:17):
wrote a book series about mythese experiences, right? What I
say and what I truly believe inmy heart, you guys, is that I
got cancerto prepare me to help be help,
be a caregiver and be empatheticand understand what my husband's
going through. It prepared me,yeah, to understand what those
chemo symptoms are right?
(26:42):
Because I remember, I think itwas his first treatment. And
nausea and fatigue are two verycommon words that you we hear
absolutely right.
But nausea and fatigue don'tjust mean you want to feel like
you're going to throw up andthat you're tired. It is so much
deeper and harder than that, butwithout finding the vocabulary
(27:07):
to explain that, it's hard toexplain. So it's, it's, it's way
worse than just being tired andway worse than just wanting to
throw up. So the first treatmentthat my husband was at, I'm
sitting in the room, and thenurse came in and she said, How
you doing, John? And he said,she said, Are you nauseous? He's
like, I don't know. I don't feelgood. I don't know.
(27:31):
So she walked she's like, allright, let me know if you need
anything. So she walked out ofthe room, and my husband looked
at me. He's like, I don't knowwhat nauseous is. I just feel
like I want to throw up, and I'mjust, I want to curl up in a
ball, and I don't, I don't evenknow how to explain that. I'm
like, Honey, that's what Nauseais. Yeah. So I went outside of
(27:51):
his room, I went to the bathroomto release some
oncoming tears, because I didnot want to do that in front of
him, and then went to thenurse's station and said, My
husband, 100% has nausea. Canyou please give him some
medication for that so I knewwhat he was going through and
(28:11):
that. So my cancer journeyagain, not at the time was I
thinking, Oh, I'm so glad that Ihad cancer. But now, right,
these are the things that I'velearned so in January, the end
of January of 2020,is when it was January 31 you
know, he had a halfway throughCT scan to check status, and the
(28:32):
team walked in. They're like,it's not working. It's actually
spreading. Sorry, this is all wecan do.
Like, okay,like, that's it. This is it. He
said, You know, I will look fora trial. No guarantees,
(28:55):
but yeah.
So after each of these verymonumental moments, my husband
and I would come home from theseappointments, and we'd be
standing in the same place, andwe'd hold hands on the way home
with no or minimum words. We'dcome home, we'd walk into the
house, and we would hold eachother in the same spot in the
kitchen and cry. And then afterthat cry was done, we would say,
(29:21):
okay, what are we going to doabout this and make the next
plan? So every time we were toldsomething that, you know, one,
it was cancer. Two, it'sspreading. Three, the treatment
isn't working, like every singletime it was that was our
routine.
And then they did find a trial.
It was through Mayo Clinic,which from our driveway to their
parking lot was exactly fourhours because I drove it every
(29:43):
week to get him back and forthfor this trial, which we found
out, you know, six weeks later,was also not working.
In between all of that, I wascalling every house.
Little system within the worldthat dealt with this type of
(30:04):
cancer.
Same answer, you're doingeverything you can. There are no
other options. There are noother options. There are no
other options. And every timeyou have to hear that over and
over, it's like a punch in thegut, a punch in the face, a
punch in the heart, over andover, but I'm not giving up. I'm
not giving up. We are going tofind something, right?
(30:27):
So then when the trial, thehalfway through, that is like,
sorry, sorry, you guys.
And we came home and we lookedat each other. I had one more
meeting, a zoom, a phone callwith, uh, some hospital in
Pennsylvania, East Coastsomeplace, and
it was like a week later. It wasearly June of 2020, and
(30:53):
again, I can remember this callas if it was yesterday. So we're
on the phone call. You know, adoctor says, Again, once again,
there's nothing more. You guysare doing everything. I'm sorry.
We have nothing more,and there is nothing out there.
So we got off the phone, and myhusband grabbed my hand, and we
stood up, and he looked me inthe eyes and said, we have done
(31:17):
everything that we possibly cando.
Let's just live whatever we havelife left the best that we can
so I nodded, okay,yep, I support your decision
in a way that I love you somuch, but so we had to make that
(31:39):
decision, and then the that wasJune of 2020, and
our life dramatically changed,because it was there wasn't any
more fighting for his life,right? It was fighting for every
single solitary second that wehad left together and embracing
(32:01):
it like we've never embraced itbefore, and it was everything in
betweentaking a Jeep ride with the
doors and the top off whenweather permitted, and his, you
know, he could muster the energyto do it, to go get an ice cream
cone, to go ride along ourfavorite River Road.
(32:24):
We just embraced all of theselittle moments to sitting out on
our patioand talking about conversations
from how to start the snowblower to what I'm going to do
for the rest of my life withouthim.
You know what I want to pick,this is awful, I but I have to
take a pause. I'm going to, I'msorry to have take a break.
(32:45):
Yeah, we're going to take abreak and we're going to come
right back, because this is whenyou got, this is when you guys
really got living and you reallyhad conversations. And I want to
keep going. Yeah, I want to keepgoing. We'll take a break and be
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online@careforward.io Allright, everybody, we are back
here with Stacey Ryan. They'vegotten to that point where they
actually have been told there'sno other options. But you are
(33:53):
living a life now that you arechoosing to live with the time
that you and John have left,yeah. And you know, you just
tickled me because he's sharingthe information, like, how to
start the snow blower. Yeah, tothis important, this important
man, things like, I want you tobe able to start the snow
blower, and I love you, andlet's take the Jeep ride. Let's
eat the ice cream. Tell me thethings that you learned about
(34:15):
your marriage during that time,that you learned about one
another, that after almost 30years, you know, you were like,
wow, this is kind of a surprise.
Tell me about those, thosethings I feel like when you're
when we were in this moment thatwas unexpected. And we had a
great marriage. We had a greatlove. Something in our hearts
(34:41):
took it to this another, anotherlevel of that is almost
undescribable. In words, it wasthe littlest of things that
mattered. We need to be sittingat the kitchen table. I remember
one moment we were eatingoatmeal. Okay, so it's just your
basic OH.
Oatmeal with some he would putblueberries in it and brown
(35:02):
sugar,but and he made this when it was
winter months, on some randomSaturdays. It wasn't all the
time. It was just something thatwe did sporadically. But then
all of a sudden, eating oatmealwith him at the kitchen table
became a really big deal. And hesaid to me, one day, so this was
now, we're in that stage of ourlife, right, the last six months
(35:24):
of his life.
And sohe looked up at me, and he said,
I will really miss eatingoatmeal with you.
And so, you know, we took eachof those moments that, you know,
a year prior to that, we justnot necessarily took for
(35:44):
granted, but kind of took forgranted, right? Yeah, because
you knew what we'd do. It nextSaturday, if we wanted to. There
will never be another Saturdayfor the rest of our life that we
are able to do this some pointin the next like, after six
months next year, this time,this will never be an option
again. Soand we it was one of those
things that wedidn't say out loud how precious
(36:07):
these moments are because thetime is limited. We just acted.
We just did. We didn't talk.
Does that make sense? Yeah,makes total sense, right? So you
i So each of those littlemoments were just significant.
And my husband,I feel like sometimes he knew me
(36:29):
better than myself, as far aswhat I'm capable of and what I
need to know. So he startedplanting. Now, I know he was
planting seeds for me, right toprepare me for the now, the
after he's gone without him,life to provide strength when he
is not here. And so he would saythings like, I am so proud of
(36:52):
you. You are so strong throughthis, because the only time I
cried was with him. I nevercried for him, and I only cried
in front of him, if he if histears were triggered first, and
sometimes I didn't even crythen, because it was his moment
(37:12):
to be sad. Someone who nevercries before, someone who, you
know, he was the strong one,right? And he always held it
together. I was the, you know,emotional. I'm a girl. He's the
boy, right?
But somehow I found thisstrength to be strong for him,
and I think it is now. I thinkit is because of all these
(37:35):
things I did before the IronMan, me surviving cancer, that
led me to this point of findingthis strength, right? But he
would tell me over and overagain on how proud he is of me
for being strong. Now, when hefell asleep, and I knew he'd be
sleeping for a while, I would gointo the bathroom and I would
cry myself where the snot wasrunning, and I could barely
(37:58):
breathe and get it out of mysystem,
or and, or call a girlfriend,get it out of my system, and
then march back in and wait forhim to wake up and do what I
needed to do. That'sit feels like caregiver 101, you
just, it feels like, suck it up.
(38:18):
You just suck it up. It is likea bootstrap kind of moment, like
I'm just going to pull myself upby the Bootstrap, and where you
give yourself these moments ofjust small breakdowns. I call
them mini breakdowns, many, manybitch fest sessions. Yes,
they're these, but you can't.
You don't feel like you can,because it's worse for them,
(38:39):
like I feel I would feel sorryfor myself, like I can't believe
this is happening. This is notwhat we wanted. This is not what
this is not what we wanted and Iwanted. And then you're like,
all right, pull it together.
Let's go, yep. And it's thismentality, and it's this it's a
strength you don't even realizeyou had. I know when I did a
(39:01):
journal, I look back at thejournal and I'm like, I was
stronger than I realized at themoment. I really was stronger
than I realized. Stacey, in thetime that you all spent
together, did you grievetogether? Did you talk about
what you were losing and howmuch you'd miss one another? Did
you go ahead and start thatprocess together? Did he tell
(39:23):
you it was going to be okay?
Yeah, I don't know if I knew inthe moment that that's what it
was right to me. It wasconversations with my husband,
yeah, but he and it was like thesnow blower and like, you know,
what am I going to do with mylife and what opportunities I
have. He would just feather thisin through us, you know, having
the oatmeal, or us sitting downin the patio, or us eating the
(39:46):
ice cream cone. And he wouldsay, so I would never be
prepared for what he would say,but I knew he had a list in his
head that he needed to get outat some point when it made sense
for him, and I just followed.
Along on his lead, but he wouldsay things like, Hey, I just
want you to know that if youmeet somebody, it's okay. We
were watching Seinfeld at thetime, which is our favorite
(40:09):
show, and he's looks over to meout of the blue, and I'm like,
ew, like to me at that moment ofmy life. I'm like, he's like, I
know, I know. I'm like, butOkay, thanks. And then we
continue watching TV, right?
He's like,and it was just other things
where he would say, you know,not that he was also proud of me
for being strong, but he saidnumerous, 1000s of times, to go
(40:32):
live my best life, that I haveso much to offer and I'm going
to make an impact and adifference in this world, and he
knows it,and to go do it, and to not give
up. And so all of thoseconversations just allowed me,
while I was then, now a widow,right in my now life, to dig
(40:54):
back to to be like, All right,I'm doing this for you, honey.
I'm doing this for you. I'mdoing it for me too. I'm doing
this for you. You said I coulddo it. I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna so all those things thathe had shared with me. So yeah,
I guess in some sense, we aregrieving and saying goodbye to
each other without again sayingthose exact words, yeah. And I
will say this. I know that, oh.
(41:19):
I'm like, why can we not have 10hours later?
You know, I know that inNovember, he started declining,
and I know that at that moment,as a caregiver, it almost felt,
and even the way that it'salmost like this obsessive like
I can't leave you, I know thatyou were by his side every
(41:41):
second. And I think aboutcaregiving for a spouse versus a
parent versus a child, you knowit's everybody has difference.
But I know in reading, in whatyou'd sent over to us, it was
just like and even in ourconversation, you never left
aside, and you were afraid toleave his side, because you just
you did not want him, and I knowhis sister came over and helped,
(42:04):
right? And so, and I know thatyour all's anniversary was
December 7,and so was quite literally the
hardest time of my life, right?
But you find the strength in themoment. It was right before
Thanksgiving. He justone night he, for some reason,
(42:27):
was getting waking up in themiddle of the night at like 2am
and I had this futon that Ibought and I butted up against
our bed, kind of want to disturbhim while he was mostly
sleeping. Nowwe had in home hospice. I was
his caregiver, and he didn'twant to do medication.
(42:49):
I did it at the very, very end,but he was already unconscious,
sobecause he didn't want to not be
able to communicate with me ifthere was an opportunity. And
those were his words when allthis kind of started to unfold
at the end of the summer,and he sat up one night, and he
said, and I would have to holdhim up to sit up. And he's like,
as eyes were closed, he's like,Honey, are you there? I'm like,
(43:12):
Yeah, I'm here, honey.
And he said, Are we close?
And I said, close to seeing God.
And He nodded, like, Yeah, Ithink so he's like, I am so
sorry. I love you so much.
(43:34):
And a tear came down his cheek.
He then laid down, and that wasquite literally his last words.
I didn't know those were goingto be his last words, but those
were his last words. And thenwithin a week,
it was just really hard from Icouldn't take care of myself,
someone who is very, you know,prevalent in that. So I call
this sister. I'm like, I can'tdo this. And she without
(43:58):
hesitation, she's in the car.
She's like, I'm away. She tookFamily Medical Leave Act and
stayed with us to help care forme so I could care for him. And
ended up staying there. SoDecember 7 is the day that we
met, right? And so December 72020,
would have been our 30 yearstogether. And he is there. He's,
(44:19):
he's not talking anymore. He'sI'm afraid to go to the
bathroom, to walk out of thisroom. I didn't want to, you
know, Miss saying goodbye to myhusband, and all day I just kept
whispering in his ear that, youknow, I love you so much. We did
it. We made it 30 years, andthat's all I did, is repeat that
all day long in his ears,and then the next day, December
(44:43):
8.
I don't know where this camefrom, the strength, but I was
brave enough to say that it wasokay to go and that I will be
okay. But I couldn't standseeing him like this anymore.
He.
He didn't deserve this anymore.
And I said, it's it's okay. Andas I said those words, he quite
(45:06):
bluntly saidthat was the first voice I had
heard since he said, I love you,and I'm like, oh my. He can hear
me. He can quite, oh my gosh. SoI called his sisters in the room
and sister in the room, and I'mlike, this just happened. So
(45:27):
she's talking over him, like,Please God, take my brother.
Take him out of pain. And he'slike,
so the next day was December 9.
Every 20 minutes. I have mytimer set in my phone. I am
putting morphine on, like on inhis cheek to help minimize what
(45:47):
pain I think he's in, right?
And I'm not sleeping, I'm I'm upevery 20 minutes, so I'm
basically up right? So this hasbeen going on now for three or
four days, and I'm beyondexhausted, not just from the
three or four days, but from ayear, right? And it was at the
it was 11 (46:11):
30pm on that December 9,
and I woke up to my timer goingoff. But it was 10 minutes
later. I'm like, Oh my gosh, Imissed I missed this. I must
have fell asleep. In themeantime, I see his sister
sleeping in the rocking chairthat I had in the room as well.
(46:33):
And I stood up, or I sat up togive him morphine, and he was
gone. And I screamed into mysister Annie's name. She jumped
off out of the chair,and that was it. And I'm like
she was so at 1130 when I wassupposed to get up somewhere,
when we were both asleep,my husband decided to take his
(46:54):
last breath, because he knew wewere there, and he didn't want
us to see that. So I fell asleepfor a reason, and I truly
believe that in my heart, it wason his terms.
But I did not leave asideand not leave aside
(47:17):
death, to his part, was quiteliterally
a very powerful thing for me. Iknow I get teared up. I told you
I cried when we were on thephone together. Like, I'm going
to tell you right now, I just,there's, it's just,
there are no words. It's just,it is a love of someone that is
justYeah, it's so it's hard for me,
(47:38):
because I'm like, Cool. I feel,I feel that still so much, and
even from the first time I heardit to this time it's, it's so
heavy. And it is the love of,yeah, it is a love of a life.
And, and I, oh, I hate youclock.
And I, you know, the thing is,is, and then, and then you have
(48:00):
to keep going, because this wasin December of 2020, and you,
you are still going, though, andlike, still here. And I, this is
probably, this is what I wasthinking. It's probably my
sister question, because youhave, like, I listen to your
heart, I feel like the love isso much still there, and you
(48:23):
have put in process so manythings. You know, you said,
we've got books, we've got thepodcast. You are pouring so much
into others, and I want you tokind of tell me how you're still
going. Why are you taking thispath? Because you could have
taken a path to get under a rockand be done. Stacy's done what I
(48:46):
tell me about that. So throughthis process, it's almost five,
well, five years from when wewere diagnosed and all this was
happening, right?
And each year I kind of, I justworked harder and harder each
year 2021 I just tried to figureout how to get out of bed every
day. Yeah. And bed every day.
Yeah. And I figured I had twochoices. I could either not get
out of bed or figure out a wayhow to and I would celebrate.
(49:08):
Yay. I brushed my teeth today.
Good job, Stacy. And little bylittle, I just built off of
that. And then the followingyear, I'm I've always been a
goal setting person, whetherthat's professionally or, you
know, for my fitness. So Istarted setting new goals, like
I got to figure out what I'mgoing to do with my life. Now,
my husband says I have so muchstraw for this world. I don't
(49:30):
know, do I and then I startedsetting these goals, and I
thought, You know what? I had agreat career, I had a great
fitness all these things thatI've experienced, I want to see
if there's something differentthat I've never done before
that's out of all of that. Andmy girlfriends were inspiring me
to write a book, and I laughedbecause I'm like,
really, they're like, Stacey,you journaled. You inspire us
(49:53):
through all of this that you'vegone through. Yes. So next thing
you know, I created a podcastabout my.
My widowship journey, and I amraw. I am real. It is out there
the whole, the whole process ofit. I wrote a three book series
about my Iron Man days, aboutour cancer journeys, what I did
(50:13):
to start healing the processafter losing my husband. And now
here I am. It is, what is it?
May of 2025I have been dating another widow
who was also with his wife for30 years, lost her to cancer and
his her caregiver. We are nowbuying a house together. We are
(50:34):
going to start our whole newlife. My heart. I never
ever thought that I could feelthat kind of joy again and that
love. But it is quite literallypossible to fall in love again.
I have, I feel like I won thelottery two times, you guys,
(50:56):
because I had this amazing 30years with an amazing husband,
whose name was John, and my nownext whole new life with this
another amazing human who's alsoname is John. Um, we're, we're
just, we're gonna, we'restarting our whole new book and
our life and what this is goingto be. And I just recently
(51:19):
decided that I want to startgetting involved back into my
wellness and fitness and mypassion for that. So I'm opening
up a yoga and wellness studiothis fall. So I'm not stopping.
I mean, I just, I don't know howmuch I love that. I just got
started because I don't knowhow, like, if you don't walk
(51:39):
away from hearing like this islike this goes back to brutally
beautiful. It's the it willalways be the most appropriate
way to describe it is brutallybeautiful because there is so
much pain. And in that pain,you've been able to find silver
linings. You've been able tosay, I give myself permission to
keep living, and you didn't needJohn's permission, but John
(52:03):
loved you so much, and he wantedyou. He wanted you to hear him
say, I want this for you. I wantthis for you because I love you
so unconditionally. And then Ialso think it's pretty, pretty
interesting that his name theyour new gentleman's name,
you're like that, how whenyou're older, it's not a
boyfriend. It's like, your newgentleman's name is John. What
(52:23):
do you say when you're in your50s and you have another person?
You're like, no clue. Like, isit your significant other? So
are the is that your gentlemanfriend,
boyfriend? You're like, that'smy boyfriend.
Yeah, it's, you're such aninspiration, yeah? And I love, I
(52:44):
guess, for me, and I've talkedto people who who have have a
new partner after they've beenwidowed, and that new partner
has such a difficultyunderstanding how you can still
love, but there's no limit onlove. And I think the new John,
I think he probably understandsthat Stacey,
(53:07):
we talk about his life with hisbeautiful wife and he has two
grown adult children. We talkabout stories and things that
they did openly. We talk aboutmy husband. It is never, you
know, we both said that thosewere that was a significant,
amazing part of our life, yeah,and we never wanted to be the
(53:27):
elephant in the room. And wewill never be jealous with each
other. It is, I feel like,again, we have this opportunity
to have now met and started anew life, but our life with our
spouses is always going to be onthe table to talk about. We've
cried together, we laughedtogether, and now we're going to
create new memories together.
Love it. Love it. It's a wholenew life. It is a whole new
life. It is. And I love that youare a blessing, Stacy, and I
(53:50):
will tell you that I hope thatother widowers widows, they hear
this, because a lot have so muchtrouble moving on, and they get
stuck, and you are such aninspiration, yeah? Well, and
what does moving on look like?
And it will look a littledifferent for everybody, because
it will. It doesn't have to becookie cutter, but don't put
(54:13):
yourself and and I don't know ifyou would say this, but don't
allow other people'sexpectations and opinions and
limitations. I'm glad you saidthat limitations limit you from
living truly your best life. Itis such a personal journey I've
met now numerous widows over thelast five years of my life and
(54:35):
become friends with them. Right?
Similar stories of how we lostour spouses, perhaps, but
everybody's now, journey isdifferent, and there's no
judging. There's no rhyme orreason like it has to feel right
in your heart, you know, otherthan
finding yourself again, whichtakes a lot of work, right?
That's important, but howeveryou do that, I feel like it's
(54:59):
such a personal.
Thing. And, yeah, do what makessense in your heart, do what
feels good that every day islike, don't do that, you know?
Yeah, yeah, you know. And Ithink it is, it's, it's, do what
feels good to you and, and, butgive yourself permission to fill
all the things, the happies, thesads and that and and I think we
(55:22):
talked about it in our earlierpodcast, grief has no timeline.
Grief has no timeline, and itwill sneak up on you
periodically. And we were JJ andI were talking about this before
we started. This is the seasonof grief, because our dad passed
away on July 4 in 2011 and JJhad mentioned, and this is
(55:43):
personal, so I know you don'tmind me sharing. Notice I said,
this is personal, and sharingthe last time JJ saw our dad was
Memorial weekend, and we're upagainst Memorial weekend, and it
always and the build up to that,and so grief will come, will
show his head, and then wealways look for the silver
lining, like I had thisopportunity, I got to tell my
(56:06):
dad I loved him, and I thinkyou're just an inspiration. I
think you're an inspiration. Andthis story, I know is going to
help so many people, and Irarely tear up because I am a
hard candy and I am an Eminem,who they should has to be some,
you know, they should sponsorus, because I'm tell you right
now, but on the inside, I'mreally soft and chocolatey and
(56:29):
so, and I love that. I have onequestion for you, and then, and
then we will, and then we'llclose up, how? And this is the
best one. How do you self care?
Of, what is your guiltypleasure? What is the one thing
that you do just for yourselfthat you're like, Uh huh, that's
what I'm doing, and I love it,and I don't apologize, and it's
(56:49):
only for me. Oh, that is such afunny question. You know, I
still love fitness. And for me,I guess
I'm gonna do, it's gonna be atwo fold to answer question, I
guess. One, I still createfitness in my world, and I don't
apologize for it, in the senseof, that's the priority. So
(57:12):
like, if you want to scheduletime with me, yep, it's after my
workout kind of thing. What doyou think the biggest thing in a
general statement is I am notafraid to laugh, and I don't
feel guilty about it. It took mea while to get here. It was a
process, right? Cuz initially itwas like, oh, I should not be
happy. I should not be laughing.
But now I am truly guilt free,and that's what I hope people
(57:36):
can get to so that, to me, wouldbe, I'm not sure it's a guilty
pleasure, but you know, it's,it's one of those things where,
yeah, I I'm gonna laugh and I'mgonna enjoy it and not feel bad
about it. I'm allowed to behappy and, darn it, if you don't
like it, I still don't care.
And that there's a whole thingwith that, because people are
(57:57):
like, what you've done this andwhat, I'm not going to
apologize, I'm not going toexplain. If you don't get it,
then you're just don't not.
That's not my issue. That's you,and I won't carry it. Oh, I love
this. What a way to a fantasticStacey, what a way to end like a
six series and episodes andrecording. We have had so many
amazing, wonderful people, andStacey, Ryan is the exclamation
(58:20):
point. You are an exclamationpoint. So Stacey, thank you for
being with us and everybody.
Thank you for listening andjoining us, and until we confess
again, we will see you nexttime. Bye, bye.
Well, friends, that's a wrap onthis week's confession. Thanks
(58:41):
so much for listening in to thepodcast, but before you go,
please take a moment to leave usa review and tell your friends
about the confession show. Don'tforget visit our website to sign
up for our newsletter, as wellas connect with us on Facebook,
Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterestand Twitter. You'll also find
the video recording of all ofour episodes on the confessions
(59:04):
website and our YouTube Channel.
We'll see you next Tuesday, whenwe come together to confess
again. Till then, take care ofyou. Okay, let's talk
disclaimers. We are not medicalprofessionals and are not
providing any medical advice. Ifyou have medical questions, we
recommend that you talk with amedical professional of your
(59:26):
choice. As always, my sistersand I at confessions of our
reluctant caregiver have takencare in selecting the speakers,
but the opinions of our speakersare theirs alone. The views and
opinions stated in this show aresolely those of the contributors
and not necessarily those of ourdistributors or hosting company.
This podcast is copyrighted andno part can be reproduced
(59:50):
without the express writtenconsent of the sisterhood of
care LLC, thank you forlistening to The Confessions of
a reluctant care.
Giver, podcast, you.
Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the
(00:02):
Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver. Podcast. On the show,
you'll hear caregiversconfessing the good, the bad and
the completely unexpected.
You're guaranteed to relate beinspired. Leave with helpful
tips and resources and, ofcourse, laugh. Now let's jump
right in to today's guestconfession. Hey, Jay, hi,
Natalie, how are you doing? I'mgreat. You know what? What we
(00:27):
have been on a recording sprintspree, sprint. I mean, I feel
like I've been talking, like mymouth might be tired, that never
has happened before. Actually,don't even know what to say to
I might be a little tired,that's all you know. What though
I we have been recording. We'vehad some of the most amazing
(00:49):
stories, and it seemsappropriate that we would wrap
up our six episode recordingspree with the amazing Stacy
Ryan. You gave away part of mystory doesn't even matter. Stacy
is so amazing, and I get to, Ihave the privilege, I get to
talk to all the guestsbeforehand and become best
friends with them. I know, andso. And Stacy and I also have a
(01:13):
connection, though, to actuallymore like Stacey and my husband.
People were like, what? Andlike, yes, and so but, but
Stacey has been a caregiver, andI would love for you to share
more about Stacey so we canbring her in. Because people are
like, we don't want to hear youlike, yeah, stop chatting,
girls, all right, summer. So weare incredibly excited, Stacey,
(01:34):
to have you here with us. StaceyRyan,
this, she really explained whoshe was best. She gave me a
timeline in her bio, shestarted, I did the Ironman at 36
love that survived cancer at 45check and became a widow at 52
she was like, here's my summary.
Let's break it down. It'scaregiving for her husband that
brings her to us today. And Ithink for me, the question that
(01:57):
I want to hear is, what do youdo when all treatment options
are gone, and how do you livethose days with the one that you
love? Because I think Stacy'sgot a lot of insight for us. And
what do you do the rest of yourlife? Because Stacey has done a
lot. She is, yeah, yeah. She'sturned around. Thank you, Stacy.
Well, joining us, and I'll saythis. I mean, they're a love
(02:18):
story. They are they are they?
Stacy and her husband were, andalways will be a love story for
me. And even though, no matterwhat life takes you after in
your next chapter and orwhatever you want to call that
next stage chapter, whatever wecall it, proverbially,
(02:39):
it's a love story, and I was soprivileged to getting to hear
about their story and how theyspent their time together. So
Stacy, thank you for being withus. Really appreciate it.
You're welcome. And you knowwhat you call it? Natalie, a
whole new life. Oh, I like awhole new life, which is what
the name of my podcast is, andmy book series and what I'm
(03:01):
living right now? Yeah, yeah,absolutely forward. You know
what? You're exactly, right? Itis a whole new life. Because
people always say, oh, you know,well, what's that? Is it? Is it
a phase? Is it a stage? Becausepeople always want to define it.
And the reality is, is, yeah,you're allowed to have a whole
new life again, and you can dothat. Lived an amazing life with
(03:21):
30 years, which is a big chunkof time with my husband, and I'm
still young, so I feel like Ihave a whole new life to live. I
had to discover that through,you know, process of grieving
and whatnot. But it's, it's it'shappening. Oh, that is
absolutely true. Well, we'regoing to kick right off into
we're going to kick off. And Iwant to give some context. Want
(03:44):
to make sure, or actually, forour listeners, let's talk about
your background. You know, whereyou're from, like, where you
grew up, all the good stuff.
Kind of bring us up how you metMike and and let's go. Let's
talk about life. Let's give ouraudience, kind of the background
the back.
(04:05):
What happened? Exciting. Oh mygosh. You were born.
Well, once upon a time in 1968No, so I was born and raised. I
You guys are like from thesouth, and I do not talk like
that. So there's this distinctaccent, difference. I'm one from
Wisconsin, born and raised here,graduated high school in 86 and
(04:26):
kind of wandered the world,like, what should I do with my
life? And, uh, ended up workingjust random jobs where I met my
husband John, in 1990 um,through a setup kind of thing.
That's what you did back then,right come to happy hour. And
there I was. There he was. Sothat was December 7, 1990 and
(04:48):
quite literally, because I wasstill, at this point in my life,
trying to discover what I wantto do when I grow up, which, PS,
I still haven't figured that.
Out or still playing around.
I was contemplating moving toColorado. I had family there.
And I'm like, oh, maybe that's agood idea where I should go. And
(05:09):
then I met him, and I'm like,yeah, no, I I'm good, I can just
stay here. Um. And he's like,Don't hold me back. You know,
don't let me hold you back. Ifthere's some place that you want
to be, I'm like, Nope, I'm quitehappy here. So obviously stayed.
We got married in 1993and then we worked hard in our
careers. He worked for the sameemployer for over 30 years, and
(05:32):
worked his way up through thatemployer in Little Match walk
Wisconsin, and and then I workedmy way up through an accounting
and human resources career aswell. We chose not to have kids.
Someone has to be the cool auntand uncle Crazy, right? Look at
JJ and I remember it is us. Itis our sister, Emily was
(05:56):
responsible for having the kids.
Yeah, Emily an iPad full for allthe childbearing. And I'm like,
I did not want to wreck thatarea. So totally fine. Let Emily
have it. Yep, everybody has astrength in the family and the
friendship group. So, boom, yep.
So I have over 12 nieces andnephews. I have great nephews
(06:16):
now, which I feel like when Ihad great aunts when I was
little. They were in their 80s.
Oh, yeah, it's kind of thisweird thing. But anyway, um, so
those are the people we spoiltheir whole life, and we were
actively involved in their life,uh, traveled and just, you know,
I'm just did the thing, youknow, just, it was him and I,
and it was easy, it was fun, itwas relaxing, it was
(06:38):
adventurous. I could probablycount on one hand how many times
we fought, and if we did it wasover dumb things, right? Yeah,
so we're just living our bestlife. Through my own personal
career, I decided to, in my late30s, early 40s, to leave the
corporate world. I'm like, Youknow what? And it's very similar
(06:59):
to, I understand your story aswell. It just kind of got sick
of that whole thing that comeswith the corporate world, right?
You know? And I would was, Iloved what I did, but I didn't
like all the other stuff thatwas behind the scenes. And I had
an amazing husband at that time.
I was doing Iron Man and crazythings like that. So I was very
(07:21):
heavily involved in fitness. Ihad a passion, personally, to
help others in that world.
And one day I'm like, you know,he's like, you're coming home
crying every night. It's justnot worth it. Why don't you just
leave? I'm like, like, justleave. Like, like, who I do?
He's like, you'll figure it out.
(07:43):
Well, I did, and I was teachingclasses at a local YMCA at the
time, and I walked in, I'm like,Hey, I got a lot of free time,
so if you have anyopportunities, well, next year,
you know, I'm I went fromcorporate flying to meetings,
and were in business suits andmaking $25 million healthcare
(08:05):
decisions to wearing sweatpants,making $9 an hour, and loving
every second of it like that'sthe real that is the American
dream. So I will laugh and saythat was my life.
I went from I went fromcorporate banking to selling
Nemo and Dory for a living. SoI'm gonna tell you that best
life change. I love that Stacy.
(08:27):
You know, I'm sure like you, youhad recruiters who would reach
out to like, hey, hey, and Iwould talk to my husband. I'm
like, should I go back? He'slike, look, I have not seen you
this happy in a long time, whywe're fine. We're fine. So
within 10 months of that, thefitness director position became
(08:50):
open, and went for it, and I gotthat. So then I got to live this
sort ofWoW dream that I didn't even
know I had a dream of, as far asI am now having a career in
something I'm super passionateabout, and I get to be in
charge, you know, like I get tomake an impact a difference. I
get to, you know, help bringexciting things in this world to
(09:13):
the community. So I was againliving my best life,
you know, doing our thing, andthen, I don't know
if it's really ironic, but it'skind of ironic, I guess, in a
weird way, in 2013Well, it was probably about a
year and a half to two yearsbefore that, one of the programs
that I helped bring into theYMCA was, it's called LIVESTRONG
(09:35):
at the YMCA, I don't know ifyou're familiar with it. So it's
a cancer survivor program, it'san exercise cancer survivor
program, and it's a, it's anational YMCA program. So I was
very fortunate. I'm like, Yes,I'm going to be part of this
team to bring this here. And Iwas, I don't like, not only did
bring it to the Y here, but Iwas a.
(10:00):
Coach. I was a mentor. I reallygot hands on involved. I worked
with the local hospitals, withthe oncology team, and just it
was, and at the time of my life,I never even had anybody.
I mean, my grandma passed away.
My grandparents passed away fromcancer, but that was, you know,
when, when you're younger,that's just, I don't know that
it feels surreal. It doesn'tfeel real Exactly, yeah, but I
(10:20):
don't know. Something was justpassionately driving me to just
be to make this program the bestthat it could be. And I had met
well over 200 cancer survivorsthroughout this time frame. And
then all of a sudden, one day inOctober of 2013
my husband and I, and then mybrother and sister in law came
(10:43):
home from, uh, Green Bay Packersfootball game, living our best
life, you know, enjoying thefall weather. Cheese heads.
Yeah, obviously, you know yourcheese heads. I love that. Yeah,
it I don't wear that cheese headto the Packers game, per se, but
others do,but yeah, my sister in law had
never gone to a game, so we didall the things, the tailgating
(11:05):
and everything that comes withit. So
that night, we came home, andthey were staying at our house.
They live out of town, and mybrother looks at me and he's
like, Why do you have a lump onyour neck? I mean, we're just
watching TV in their sweatpants,and I'm like, I don't even know
what you're talking about rightnow. So I went into the bathroom
(11:26):
and there was a golf ball sizedborder, as I call it, on my
neck.
I'm like, Huh? That's weird. AndI didn't have any symptoms. I
didn't have anything thattriggered that.
But I'm like, that's weird. Soovernight, I got really sick. I
(11:47):
got flu, like symptoms, and whenwe woke up the next day, I felt
bad because we couldn't call forbreakfast. I'm like, sorry,
guys, I don't feel good. And myhusband's like, um, you have a
lump on your neck and you don'tfeel good, we're going to the
doctor, yeah. And I was always,and has still am, you know, into
preventive care, so I'm like,okay, yep, something's weird,
(12:09):
right? Yeah.
Well, within that time frame,they said, Oh, Stacy, sometimes
lymph nodes pop up and createflu like symptoms or vice versa.
Here's some steroids. If itdoesn't go down in the next
couple days, call us. So therewas no indication of anything to
be alarmed of Wednesday. So Iwas home from work Wednesday. So
(12:33):
that was a Monday. Wednesday wasstill exactly the same size,
still felt the same. So Icalled, they got me into a ear,
nose and throat doctor.
He said, the same thing, Stacy,it looks like, you know, it
could be just the lymph node.
Here's to continue the steroids.
However, if it doesn't go downin size by Friday, I will
(12:56):
surgically remove this. So hewas on it. They weren't wasting
any time. I had the best team.
So Friday came Same place, samesize, same symptoms. So I called
he's like, come on in. So hecanceled his hunting trip
weekend. I went in for my firstsurgery ever in my life, and
they removed the lymph node.
(13:19):
That weekend was our 20thwedding anniversary, and so I
looked at the doctor, and I'mlike, Can I at least have a
glass of wine with my husbandtomorrow to celebrate as I sit
here with this ugly gauze on myneck that I've said surgery,
he's like, of course, they seeso the weekend went through. We
(13:39):
celebrated our 20th anniversaryin sweatpants, and, you know, a
gauze of gauze, gauze on myneck. And again, I started to
feel better. But again, nothingalarming was was there. I went
back to work on Tuesday.
I'm in my office. And these aremoments in time of your life
(14:00):
that you will never forget, andwhen you talk about them, it
triggers emotions. So it's abouttwo o'clock, I'm in my office,
catching up with have a meetingin my someone in my office, and
I'm catching up because I've nowbeen gone for a week
unexpectedly. So I just kind ofcatching up with everybody. And
my phone rings on my officephone, so I ignore because I'm
(14:23):
in a meeting.
Two seconds later, my cell phonerings same phone number. I'm
like, hang on a second. So I'mlike, Hey, this is Stacy, and it
was my doctor who removed thelymph node on that Friday. And
because he knew I was, you know,health and fitness director, he
knew I loved teaching cyclingclass, and he's like, Stacy,
(14:44):
just take a week off to recover.
Don't exercise. I'm like, I Icaptain, I promise. So I quite
literally, because he was thisamazing human. Thought he was
just calling to see how I wasdoing and ensuring that I wasn't
exercising. And.
He's like, hey, Stacey, youneeded you know, how are you?
I'm back to work, and don'tworry, I'm not exercising. And
(15:07):
he's like, I don't want to saythis over the phone, but I'm
wondering if you and John cancome in to the office today we
found cancer cells, andwait what? He's like,
I don't want to talk to youabout it over the phone. I want
to talk to you about it inperson. I'm like, Yep,
(15:29):
so I hung up the phone, andI have this beautiful girl who
is actually a friend of mine,you know, sitting in in my
office, and I have the tears,and they can't even speak, and
I'm like, they found cancer.
And she comes and gives me ahuff. I'm like, I have to call
John. So I called my husband,and I again, couldn't barely get
(15:50):
the words out, and all Iremember saying, Dr Clemens just
called and he said, I havecancer cells. He's like, I'm on
the way. My husband works 40minutes from where I am. He was
there, I swear to God, in 30 andhe comes running into my office.
He held me tight. He's like, wegot this, we'll do this
(16:13):
together. So we went. We had,like, 20 minutes to spare. So we
went to our house, and I left mycar at the Y
and we just sat there, and hejust held me, and I I've seen my
husband cry before that oneother time when a good friend of
his passed away, my husband wasthe strong one, and I could hear
(16:36):
him sniffling as I'm laying onhis shoulder,
and I sat up. I'm like, why areyou crying farewell, knowing why
he is, but he's like, I don'twant anything to happen to you.
We had an amazing marriage up tothat point already, and it just
something just happened thatelevated that to a whole nother
level. So we left, and thedoctor told us we had to find
(17:02):
out where your cancer is. That'sall we know, is that you have
it. When do you want a PET scan?
I'm like, like, right thissecond. So anyway, was scheduled
for 48 hours later, and thenfound out I had left tonsil
cancer. I had a half inch tumoron my tonsil. They removed it,
went through that process ofhealing and then started
(17:24):
treatment. So that was like outof the blue. My husband took me
to radiation every day. Hedrove. He left work early, and
then would work from home forthe rest of the day. And then,
after I recovered, which was inthe spring of the following
year,it was horrendous, like there
were moments where I wanted togive up and it was hard, but he
(17:46):
was there caring for me andhelping me get through those
moments into of time. And whenit was all done and I was
starting to recover, he's like,You know what? I'm taking you to
Mexico. Let's get away for awhile. Let's just and what is
this? Is this. This is why thisis such an amazing thing that
I'm sharing. That point is myhusband. We went to Mexico
(18:09):
numerous times, but he's like,he wasn't a sun guy, he wasn't
sitting the beach guy, but heknew I was, and so that's where
he took me. Mm, and wecelebrated life. We had a party
that that summer. Like, whoa. Welike, wow, that was hard.
Um, so that was that. And then Iretired from the y, well, and
(18:31):
I'm and actually, you said, andthen I retired from the Y, and
I'm gonna pause us there,because we have, we're gonna
take a break, because that'swhat, and that is, my friends,
the connection between Jason andStacy, because they're head and
neck cancer survivors, and sowhen I first met Stacey, I was
like, Oh, my heart. And so we'regoing to take a break and we're
(18:53):
going to come right back.
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(19:13):
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All right, everybody. We areback here with Stacey Ryan, and
I feel like she has conqueredhead and neck cancer. We're at
that point she gets I'm going tosay this, and this is a clean
(19:55):
thing, but she kicked cancer'sass. Go for it. I'm going to
tell you that this is a cleanpart.
Podcast. But I am going to saythat, because anyone you kicked
its butt and and she is on theother side of it, and her
wonderful husband took her toMexico to celebrate. We went to
Disney. I don't even, I can'teven say that, Stacy, you
totally got the win on the onthe trip, I'm going to tell you
(20:17):
right now, yeah, we went withour friends. So, yeah, so you
did that, and I hear you say,John is he was? Sounds like a
fantastic caregiver. You retirefrom the why? And you you're
very active. And you guys haveyears you've got, you know, you
keep seven years. You keepmoving through life. Tell me
(20:38):
what happens. Tell me where,what happens with you and John,
what happens in 2020So, yep, life was clicking
along. I got to retire early,and then at the end of 2019
similar to me is we werewatching the packer game at
(20:58):
home, and my husband was like,You know what I don't feel good,
which is something that he, ifever said, and so he just, we
kind of just lay around andlounge around that Sunday, the
Packers game was on thatevening, and before the packer
game, he's like, you know, I'mgonna take a shower, and maybe
that'll just snap out. I just,I'm feeling weak, tired. You
(21:22):
know, this will help snap that.
So he did, andhe he's in the shower, and I'm
around the corner getting snacksready for the packer game. And,
you know, again, living our bestlife, mine and you know thing,
andalso didn't hear him calling my
name in sort of a panic. That'ssort of a panic voice. And by
(21:44):
the time I came around thecorner, he was passed out.
So he came to, I'm ready to dial911, and he's coming to, he's
like, what happened? Well, we hewas dizzy, and he feels like he
just got to too out of a shower.
So that evening, we just laidlow. I want to take him to the
hospital, but he said, No, let'sjust wait. So we woke up in the
(22:06):
morning, and very similar, I'mlike, something's wrong, and he
admittedly said something'swrong. So we went to the doctor,
and at the time, they ran sometests, and they found out that
his iron was, like, below thecharts low. So here's the horse
size pills, you know, sized ironpills. Take these. So he worked
from home. Then it was, I don'tknow, three or four weeks, you
(22:30):
guys, before, like nothing waschanging. The his symptoms were
exactly the same, weak, dizzyand tired. So he would sleep
work, sleep work. And finally,I'm like, Honey, like nothing's
changing. I feel like we need todo something else. So we call
the doctor, and they ordered astool sample based on his
(22:51):
symptoms, like, let's check tosee what's going on. Found some
blood in the stool. We're goingto schedule a colonoscopy and a
stomach scope. Okay? So did thatwithin a few days, and I asked
the doctor, as we're sittingthere in the waiting room,
because I went to everyappointment with him, my you
were gonna get the resultstoday, right? Doctor, he's, you
(23:13):
know, he it wasn't the greatestexperience of our life, but he's
like, you know, obviously, if Ihave something to show you, I
will, you know, show you. I'mlike, Okay, it's almost rude.
It's almost rude when doctorsdon't understand your past
trauma. Because you guys, andwe're very sensitive to this,
it'sbecause Jason has a colonoscopy
(23:34):
tomorrow, and I'm going to tellyou, he is very nervous, and
it's exactly that. And when aphysician doesn't understand,
like, I'm going to want thatresult, like, stat like, because
I'm nervous about this, becauseof things have happened in the
past, it's there's almost somevalue to being like, Hey, come
on, I need some grace here. Soright? And even if they don't
(23:56):
know your past, at least stillbe empathetic. Yeah, exactly.
Were there not for routinecolonoscopy? Yeah. So as soon as
the doctor walked in,because he did after the
colonoscopy, I could, I couldtell something was not right by
his demeanor. And he said, Allright, John and Stacy, here's
the picture of your stomach. Itlooks fine. And flipped the
(24:19):
page, and all I saw was thisbaseball size black blob on this
piece of paper in the middle ofan organ. And I'm like, okay,
and he said, I can't be forcertain that it's cancer, but it
most likely is. So again, in animmediate moment which we
weren't prepared for.
(24:44):
That's it. Our life changed. Andso he's like, we'll send it in
by the time, you know, was sentin, and then we had a CT scan,
and by the time, within a week,we had gotten the results from
that team, and we had eightdoctors under.
Just in our room saying it hasmetastasized to your liver. We
gotta go. We gotta start rightnow. So you don't even have time
(25:08):
to breathe and process rightnow. You're now, you're in the
zone, you're in the cancer zone,and you just go, you do whatever
you're told, and go. So westarted treatment immediately
every treatment he had, it was achemo
regimen. It and we went right tothe aggressive it like this was
(25:31):
the last resort chemo that wewent to, and it kicked his butt.
So it was supposed to be whereone week he would not feel well,
one week, feel decent, and thenanother treatment and continue
that until the tumors wouldreduce and or be eliminated.
Boom, have surgery. Boom, youknow, have some years left,
(25:56):
but the cancer, or the chemo,quite literally just took him
down and out for the whole twoweeks. Yeah, and he was sick. I
was taking him in for fluids.
Um,it was horrible. Stacey, do you
think you were a differentcaregiver because of your
experience previously, 100%and part of the thing because I
(26:17):
wrote a book series about mythese experiences, right? What I
say and what I truly believe inmy heart, you guys, is that I
got cancerto prepare me to help be help,
be a caregiver and be empatheticand understand what my husband's
going through. It prepared me,yeah, to understand what those
chemo symptoms are right?
(26:42):
Because I remember, I think itwas his first treatment. And
nausea and fatigue are two verycommon words that you we hear
absolutely right.
But nausea and fatigue don'tjust mean you want to feel like
you're going to throw up andthat you're tired. It is so much
deeper and harder than that, butwithout finding the vocabulary
(27:07):
to explain that, it's hard toexplain. So it's, it's, it's way
worse than just being tired andway worse than just wanting to
throw up. So the first treatmentthat my husband was at, I'm
sitting in the room, and thenurse came in and she said, How
you doing, John? And he said,she said, Are you nauseous? He's
like, I don't know. I don't feelgood. I don't know.
(27:31):
So she walked she's like, allright, let me know if you need
anything. So she walked out ofthe room, and my husband looked
at me. He's like, I don't knowwhat nauseous is. I just feel
like I want to throw up, and I'mjust, I want to curl up in a
ball, and I don't, I don't evenknow how to explain that. I'm
like, Honey, that's what Nauseais. Yeah. So I went outside of
(27:51):
his room, I went to the bathroomto release some
oncoming tears, because I didnot want to do that in front of
him, and then went to thenurse's station and said, My
husband, 100% has nausea. Canyou please give him some
medication for that so I knewwhat he was going through and
(28:11):
that. So my cancer journeyagain, not at the time was I
thinking, Oh, I'm so glad that Ihad cancer. But now, right,
these are the things that I'velearned so in January, the end
of January of 2020,is when it was January 31 you
know, he had a halfway throughCT scan to check status, and the
(28:32):
team walked in. They're like,it's not working. It's actually
spreading. Sorry, this is all wecan do.
Like, okay,like, that's it. This is it. He
said, You know, I will look fora trial. No guarantees,
(28:55):
but yeah.
So after each of these verymonumental moments, my husband
and I would come home from theseappointments, and we'd be
standing in the same place, andwe'd hold hands on the way home
with no or minimum words. We'dcome home, we'd walk into the
house, and we would hold eachother in the same spot in the
kitchen and cry. And then afterthat cry was done, we would say,
(29:21):
okay, what are we going to doabout this and make the next
plan? So every time we were toldsomething that, you know, one,
it was cancer. Two, it'sspreading. Three, the treatment
isn't working, like every singletime it was that was our
routine.
And then they did find a trial.
It was through Mayo Clinic,which from our driveway to their
parking lot was exactly fourhours because I drove it every
(29:43):
week to get him back and forthfor this trial, which we found
out, you know, six weeks later,was also not working.
In between all of that, I wascalling every house.
Little system within the worldthat dealt with this type of
(30:04):
cancer.
Same answer, you're doingeverything you can. There are no
other options. There are noother options. There are no
other options. And every timeyou have to hear that over and
over, it's like a punch in thegut, a punch in the face, a
punch in the heart, over andover, but I'm not giving up. I'm
not giving up. We are going tofind something, right?
(30:27):
So then when the trial, thehalfway through, that is like,
sorry, sorry, you guys.
And we came home and we lookedat each other. I had one more
meeting, a zoom, a phone callwith, uh, some hospital in
Pennsylvania, East Coastsomeplace, and
it was like a week later. It wasearly June of 2020, and
(30:53):
again, I can remember this callas if it was yesterday. So we're
on the phone call. You know, adoctor says, Again, once again,
there's nothing more. You guysare doing everything. I'm sorry.
We have nothing more,and there is nothing out there.
So we got off the phone, and myhusband grabbed my hand, and we
stood up, and he looked me inthe eyes and said, we have done
(31:17):
everything that we possibly cando.
Let's just live whatever we havelife left the best that we can
so I nodded, okay,yep, I support your decision
in a way that I love you somuch, but so we had to make that
(31:39):
decision, and then the that wasJune of 2020, and
our life dramatically changed,because it was there wasn't any
more fighting for his life,right? It was fighting for every
single solitary second that wehad left together and embracing
(32:01):
it like we've never embraced itbefore, and it was everything in
betweentaking a Jeep ride with the
doors and the top off whenweather permitted, and his, you
know, he could muster the energyto do it, to go get an ice cream
cone, to go ride along ourfavorite River Road.
(32:24):
We just embraced all of theselittle moments to sitting out on
our patioand talking about conversations
from how to start the snowblower to what I'm going to do
for the rest of my life withouthim.
You know what I want to pick,this is awful, I but I have to
take a pause. I'm going to, I'msorry to have take a break.
(32:45):
Yeah, we're going to take abreak and we're going to come
right back, because this is whenyou got, this is when you guys
really got living and you reallyhad conversations. And I want to
keep going. Yeah, I want to keepgoing. We'll take a break and be
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online@careforward.io Allright, everybody, we are back
here with Stacey Ryan. They'vegotten to that point where they
actually have been told there'sno other options. But you are
(33:53):
living a life now that you arechoosing to live with the time
that you and John have left,yeah. And you know, you just
tickled me because he's sharingthe information, like, how to
start the snow blower. Yeah, tothis important, this important
man, things like, I want you tobe able to start the snow
blower, and I love you, andlet's take the Jeep ride. Let's
eat the ice cream. Tell me thethings that you learned about
(34:15):
your marriage during that time,that you learned about one
another, that after almost 30years, you know, you were like,
wow, this is kind of a surprise.
Tell me about those, thosethings I feel like when you're
when we were in this moment thatwas unexpected. And we had a
great marriage. We had a greatlove. Something in our hearts
(34:41):
took it to this another, anotherlevel of that is almost
undescribable. In words, it wasthe littlest of things that
mattered. We need to be sittingat the kitchen table. I remember
one moment we were eatingoatmeal. Okay, so it's just your
basic OH.
Oatmeal with some he would putblueberries in it and brown
(35:02):
sugar,but and he made this when it was
winter months, on some randomSaturdays. It wasn't all the
time. It was just something thatwe did sporadically. But then
all of a sudden, eating oatmealwith him at the kitchen table
became a really big deal. And hesaid to me, one day, so this was
now, we're in that stage of ourlife, right, the last six months
(35:24):
of his life.
And sohe looked up at me, and he said,
I will really miss eatingoatmeal with you.
And so, you know, we took eachof those moments that, you know,
a year prior to that, we justnot necessarily took for
(35:44):
granted, but kind of took forgranted, right? Yeah, because
you knew what we'd do. It nextSaturday, if we wanted to. There
will never be another Saturdayfor the rest of our life that we
are able to do this some pointin the next like, after six
months next year, this time,this will never be an option
again. Soand we it was one of those
things that wedidn't say out loud how precious
(36:07):
these moments are because thetime is limited. We just acted.
We just did. We didn't talk.
Does that make sense? Yeah,makes total sense, right? So you
i So each of those littlemoments were just significant.
And my husband,I feel like sometimes he knew me
(36:29):
better than myself, as far aswhat I'm capable of and what I
need to know. So he startedplanting. Now, I know he was
planting seeds for me, right toprepare me for the now, the
after he's gone without him,life to provide strength when he
is not here. And so he would saythings like, I am so proud of
(36:52):
you. You are so strong throughthis, because the only time I
cried was with him. I nevercried for him, and I only cried
in front of him, if he if histears were triggered first, and
sometimes I didn't even crythen, because it was his moment
(37:12):
to be sad. Someone who nevercries before, someone who, you
know, he was the strong one,right? And he always held it
together. I was the, you know,emotional. I'm a girl. He's the
boy, right?
But somehow I found thisstrength to be strong for him,
and I think it is now. I thinkit is because of all these
(37:35):
things I did before the IronMan, me surviving cancer, that
led me to this point of findingthis strength, right? But he
would tell me over and overagain on how proud he is of me
for being strong. Now, when hefell asleep, and I knew he'd be
sleeping for a while, I would gointo the bathroom and I would
cry myself where the snot wasrunning, and I could barely
(37:58):
breathe and get it out of mysystem,
or and, or call a girlfriend,get it out of my system, and
then march back in and wait forhim to wake up and do what I
needed to do. That'sit feels like caregiver 101, you
just, it feels like, suck it up.
(38:18):
You just suck it up. It is likea bootstrap kind of moment, like
I'm just going to pull myself upby the Bootstrap, and where you
give yourself these moments ofjust small breakdowns. I call
them mini breakdowns, many, manybitch fest sessions. Yes,
they're these, but you can't.
You don't feel like you can,because it's worse for them,
(38:39):
like I feel I would feel sorryfor myself, like I can't believe
this is happening. This is notwhat we wanted. This is not what
this is not what we wanted and Iwanted. And then you're like,
all right, pull it together.
Let's go, yep. And it's thismentality, and it's this it's a
strength you don't even realizeyou had. I know when I did a
(39:01):
journal, I look back at thejournal and I'm like, I was
stronger than I realized at themoment. I really was stronger
than I realized. Stacey, in thetime that you all spent
together, did you grievetogether? Did you talk about
what you were losing and howmuch you'd miss one another? Did
you go ahead and start thatprocess together? Did he tell
(39:23):
you it was going to be okay?
Yeah, I don't know if I knew inthe moment that that's what it
was right to me. It wasconversations with my husband,
yeah, but he and it was like thesnow blower and like, you know,
what am I going to do with mylife and what opportunities I
have. He would just feather thisin through us, you know, having
the oatmeal, or us sitting downin the patio, or us eating the
(39:46):
ice cream cone. And he wouldsay, so I would never be
prepared for what he would say,but I knew he had a list in his
head that he needed to get outat some point when it made sense
for him, and I just followed.
Along on his lead, but he wouldsay things like, Hey, I just
want you to know that if youmeet somebody, it's okay. We
were watching Seinfeld at thetime, which is our favorite
(40:09):
show, and he's looks over to meout of the blue, and I'm like,
ew, like to me at that moment ofmy life. I'm like, he's like, I
know, I know. I'm like, butOkay, thanks. And then we
continue watching TV, right?
He's like,and it was just other things
where he would say, you know,not that he was also proud of me
for being strong, but he saidnumerous, 1000s of times, to go
(40:32):
live my best life, that I haveso much to offer and I'm going
to make an impact and adifference in this world, and he
knows it,and to go do it, and to not give
up. And so all of thoseconversations just allowed me,
while I was then, now a widow,right in my now life, to dig
(40:54):
back to to be like, All right,I'm doing this for you, honey.
I'm doing this for you. I'mdoing it for me too. I'm doing
this for you. You said I coulddo it. I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna so all those things thathe had shared with me. So yeah,
I guess in some sense, we aregrieving and saying goodbye to
each other without again sayingthose exact words, yeah. And I
will say this. I know that, oh.
(41:19):
I'm like, why can we not have 10hours later?
You know, I know that inNovember, he started declining,
and I know that at that moment,as a caregiver, it almost felt,
and even the way that it'salmost like this obsessive like
I can't leave you, I know thatyou were by his side every
(41:41):
second. And I think aboutcaregiving for a spouse versus a
parent versus a child, you knowit's everybody has difference.
But I know in reading, in whatyou'd sent over to us, it was
just like and even in ourconversation, you never left
aside, and you were afraid toleave his side, because you just
you did not want him, and I knowhis sister came over and helped,
(42:04):
right? And so, and I know thatyour all's anniversary was
December 7,and so was quite literally the
hardest time of my life, right?
But you find the strength in themoment. It was right before
Thanksgiving. He justone night he, for some reason,
(42:27):
was getting waking up in themiddle of the night at like 2am
and I had this futon that Ibought and I butted up against
our bed, kind of want to disturbhim while he was mostly
sleeping. Nowwe had in home hospice. I was
his caregiver, and he didn'twant to do medication.
(42:49):
I did it at the very, very end,but he was already unconscious,
sobecause he didn't want to not be
able to communicate with me ifthere was an opportunity. And
those were his words when allthis kind of started to unfold
at the end of the summer,and he sat up one night, and he
said, and I would have to holdhim up to sit up. And he's like,
as eyes were closed, he's like,Honey, are you there? I'm like,
(43:12):
Yeah, I'm here, honey.
And he said, Are we close?
And I said, close to seeing God.
And He nodded, like, Yeah, Ithink so he's like, I am so
sorry. I love you so much.
(43:34):
And a tear came down his cheek.
He then laid down, and that wasquite literally his last words.
I didn't know those were goingto be his last words, but those
were his last words. And thenwithin a week,
it was just really hard from Icouldn't take care of myself,
someone who is very, you know,prevalent in that. So I call
this sister. I'm like, I can'tdo this. And she without
(43:58):
hesitation, she's in the car.
She's like, I'm away. She tookFamily Medical Leave Act and
stayed with us to help care forme so I could care for him. And
ended up staying there. SoDecember 7 is the day that we
met, right? And so December 72020,
would have been our 30 yearstogether. And he is there. He's,
(44:19):
he's not talking anymore. He'sI'm afraid to go to the
bathroom, to walk out of thisroom. I didn't want to, you
know, Miss saying goodbye to myhusband, and all day I just kept
whispering in his ear that, youknow, I love you so much. We did
it. We made it 30 years, andthat's all I did, is repeat that
all day long in his ears,and then the next day, December
(44:43):
8.
I don't know where this camefrom, the strength, but I was
brave enough to say that it wasokay to go and that I will be
okay. But I couldn't standseeing him like this anymore.
He.
He didn't deserve this anymore.
And I said, it's it's okay. Andas I said those words, he quite
(45:06):
bluntly saidthat was the first voice I had
heard since he said, I love you,and I'm like, oh my. He can hear
me. He can quite, oh my gosh. SoI called his sisters in the room
and sister in the room, and I'mlike, this just happened. So
(45:27):
she's talking over him, like,Please God, take my brother.
Take him out of pain. And he'slike,
so the next day was December 9.
Every 20 minutes. I have mytimer set in my phone. I am
putting morphine on, like on inhis cheek to help minimize what
(45:47):
pain I think he's in, right?
And I'm not sleeping, I'm I'm upevery 20 minutes, so I'm
basically up right? So this hasbeen going on now for three or
four days, and I'm beyondexhausted, not just from the
three or four days, but from ayear, right? And it was at the
it was 11 (46:11):
30pm on that December 9,
and I woke up to my timer goingoff. But it was 10 minutes
later. I'm like, Oh my gosh, Imissed I missed this. I must
have fell asleep. In themeantime, I see his sister
sleeping in the rocking chairthat I had in the room as well.
(46:33):
And I stood up, or I sat up togive him morphine, and he was
gone. And I screamed into mysister Annie's name. She jumped
off out of the chair,and that was it. And I'm like
she was so at 1130 when I wassupposed to get up somewhere,
when we were both asleep,my husband decided to take his
(46:54):
last breath, because he knew wewere there, and he didn't want
us to see that. So I fell asleepfor a reason, and I truly
believe that in my heart, it wason his terms.
But I did not leave asideand not leave aside
(47:17):
death, to his part, was quiteliterally
a very powerful thing for me. Iknow I get teared up. I told you
I cried when we were on thephone together. Like, I'm going
to tell you right now, I just,there's, it's just,
there are no words. It's just,it is a love of someone that is
justYeah, it's so it's hard for me,
(47:38):
because I'm like, Cool. I feel,I feel that still so much, and
even from the first time I heardit to this time it's, it's so
heavy. And it is the love of,yeah, it is a love of a life.
And, and I, oh, I hate youclock.
And I, you know, the thing is,is, and then, and then you have
(48:00):
to keep going, because this wasin December of 2020, and you,
you are still going, though, andlike, still here. And I, this is
probably, this is what I wasthinking. It's probably my
sister question, because youhave, like, I listen to your
heart, I feel like the love isso much still there, and you
(48:23):
have put in process so manythings. You know, you said,
we've got books, we've got thepodcast. You are pouring so much
into others, and I want you tokind of tell me how you're still
going. Why are you taking thispath? Because you could have
taken a path to get under a rockand be done. Stacy's done what I
(48:46):
tell me about that. So throughthis process, it's almost five,
well, five years from when wewere diagnosed and all this was
happening, right?
And each year I kind of, I justworked harder and harder each
year 2021 I just tried to figureout how to get out of bed every
day. Yeah. And bed every day.
Yeah. And I figured I had twochoices. I could either not get
out of bed or figure out a wayhow to and I would celebrate.
(49:08):
Yay. I brushed my teeth today.
Good job, Stacy. And little bylittle, I just built off of
that. And then the followingyear, I'm I've always been a
goal setting person, whetherthat's professionally or, you
know, for my fitness. So Istarted setting new goals, like
I got to figure out what I'mgoing to do with my life. Now,
my husband says I have so muchstraw for this world. I don't
(49:30):
know, do I and then I startedsetting these goals, and I
thought, You know what? I had agreat career, I had a great
fitness all these things thatI've experienced, I want to see
if there's something differentthat I've never done before
that's out of all of that. Andmy girlfriends were inspiring me
to write a book, and I laughedbecause I'm like,
really, they're like, Stacey,you journaled. You inspire us
(49:53):
through all of this that you'vegone through. Yes. So next thing
you know, I created a podcastabout my.
My widowship journey, and I amraw. I am real. It is out there
the whole, the whole process ofit. I wrote a three book series
about my Iron Man days, aboutour cancer journeys, what I did
(50:13):
to start healing the processafter losing my husband. And now
here I am. It is, what is it?
May of 2025I have been dating another widow
who was also with his wife for30 years, lost her to cancer and
his her caregiver. We are nowbuying a house together. We are
(50:34):
going to start our whole newlife. My heart. I never
ever thought that I could feelthat kind of joy again and that
love. But it is quite literallypossible to fall in love again.
I have, I feel like I won thelottery two times, you guys,
(50:56):
because I had this amazing 30years with an amazing husband,
whose name was John, and my nownext whole new life with this
another amazing human who's alsoname is John. Um, we're, we're
just, we're gonna, we'restarting our whole new book and
our life and what this is goingto be. And I just recently
(51:19):
decided that I want to startgetting involved back into my
wellness and fitness and mypassion for that. So I'm opening
up a yoga and wellness studiothis fall. So I'm not stopping.
I mean, I just, I don't know howmuch I love that. I just got
started because I don't knowhow, like, if you don't walk
(51:39):
away from hearing like this islike this goes back to brutally
beautiful. It's the it willalways be the most appropriate
way to describe it is brutallybeautiful because there is so
much pain. And in that pain,you've been able to find silver
linings. You've been able tosay, I give myself permission to
keep living, and you didn't needJohn's permission, but John
(52:03):
loved you so much, and he wantedyou. He wanted you to hear him
say, I want this for you. I wantthis for you because I love you
so unconditionally. And then Ialso think it's pretty, pretty
interesting that his name theyour new gentleman's name,
you're like that, how whenyou're older, it's not a
boyfriend. It's like, your newgentleman's name is John. What
(52:23):
do you say when you're in your50s and you have another person?
You're like, no clue. Like, isit your significant other? So
are the is that your gentlemanfriend,
boyfriend? You're like, that'smy boyfriend.
Yeah, it's, you're such aninspiration, yeah? And I love, I
(52:44):
guess, for me, and I've talkedto people who who have have a
new partner after they've beenwidowed, and that new partner
has such a difficultyunderstanding how you can still
love, but there's no limit onlove. And I think the new John,
I think he probably understandsthat Stacey,
(53:07):
we talk about his life with hisbeautiful wife and he has two
grown adult children. We talkabout stories and things that
they did openly. We talk aboutmy husband. It is never, you
know, we both said that thosewere that was a significant,
amazing part of our life, yeah,and we never wanted to be the
(53:27):
elephant in the room. And wewill never be jealous with each
other. It is, I feel like,again, we have this opportunity
to have now met and started anew life, but our life with our
spouses is always going to be onthe table to talk about. We've
cried together, we laughedtogether, and now we're going to
create new memories together.
Love it. Love it. It's a wholenew life. It is a whole new
life. It is. And I love that youare a blessing, Stacy, and I
(53:50):
will tell you that I hope thatother widowers widows, they hear
this, because a lot have so muchtrouble moving on, and they get
stuck, and you are such aninspiration, yeah? Well, and
what does moving on look like?
And it will look a littledifferent for everybody, because
it will. It doesn't have to becookie cutter, but don't put
(54:13):
yourself and and I don't know ifyou would say this, but don't
allow other people'sexpectations and opinions and
limitations. I'm glad you saidthat limitations limit you from
living truly your best life. Itis such a personal journey I've
met now numerous widows over thelast five years of my life and
(54:35):
become friends with them. Right?
Similar stories of how we lostour spouses, perhaps, but
everybody's now, journey isdifferent, and there's no
judging. There's no rhyme orreason like it has to feel right
in your heart, you know, otherthan
finding yourself again, whichtakes a lot of work, right?
That's important, but howeveryou do that, I feel like it's
(54:59):
such a personal.
Thing. And, yeah, do what makessense in your heart, do what
feels good that every day islike, don't do that, you know?
Yeah, yeah, you know. And Ithink it is, it's, it's, do what
feels good to you and, and, butgive yourself permission to fill
all the things, the happies, thesads and that and and I think we
(55:22):
talked about it in our earlierpodcast, grief has no timeline.
Grief has no timeline, and itwill sneak up on you
periodically. And we were JJ andI were talking about this before
we started. This is the seasonof grief, because our dad passed
away on July 4 in 2011 and JJhad mentioned, and this is
(55:43):
personal, so I know you don'tmind me sharing. Notice I said,
this is personal, and sharingthe last time JJ saw our dad was
Memorial weekend, and we're upagainst Memorial weekend, and it
always and the build up to that,and so grief will come, will
show his head, and then wealways look for the silver
lining, like I had thisopportunity, I got to tell my
(56:06):
dad I loved him, and I thinkyou're just an inspiration. I
think you're an inspiration. Andthis story, I know is going to
help so many people, and Irarely tear up because I am a
hard candy and I am an Eminem,who they should has to be some,
you know, they should sponsorus, because I'm tell you right
now, but on the inside, I'mreally soft and chocolatey and
(56:29):
so, and I love that. I have onequestion for you, and then, and
then we will, and then we'llclose up, how? And this is the
best one. How do you self care?
Of, what is your guiltypleasure? What is the one thing
that you do just for yourselfthat you're like, Uh huh, that's
what I'm doing, and I love it,and I don't apologize, and it's
(56:49):
only for me. Oh, that is such afunny question. You know, I
still love fitness. And for me,I guess
I'm gonna do, it's gonna be atwo fold to answer question, I
guess. One, I still createfitness in my world, and I don't
apologize for it, in the senseof, that's the priority. So
(57:12):
like, if you want to scheduletime with me, yep, it's after my
workout kind of thing. What doyou think the biggest thing in a
general statement is I am notafraid to laugh, and I don't
feel guilty about it. It took mea while to get here. It was a
process, right? Cuz initially itwas like, oh, I should not be
happy. I should not be laughing.
But now I am truly guilt free,and that's what I hope people
(57:36):
can get to so that, to me, wouldbe, I'm not sure it's a guilty
pleasure, but you know, it's,it's one of those things where,
yeah, I I'm gonna laugh and I'mgonna enjoy it and not feel bad
about it. I'm allowed to behappy and, darn it, if you don't
like it, I still don't care.
And that there's a whole thingwith that, because people are
(57:57):
like, what you've done this andwhat, I'm not going to
apologize, I'm not going toexplain. If you don't get it,
then you're just don't not.
That's not my issue. That's you,and I won't carry it. Oh, I love
this. What a way to a fantasticStacey, what a way to end like a
six series and episodes andrecording. We have had so many
amazing, wonderful people, andStacey, Ryan is the exclamation
(58:20):
point. You are an exclamationpoint. So Stacey, thank you for
being with us and everybody.
Thank you for listening andjoining us, and until we confess
again, we will see you nexttime. Bye, bye.
Well, friends, that's a wrap onthis week's confession. Thanks
(58:41):
so much for listening in to thepodcast, but before you go,
please take a moment to leave usa review and tell your friends
about the confession show. Don'tforget visit our website to sign
up for our newsletter, as wellas connect with us on Facebook,
Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterestand Twitter. You'll also find
the video recording of all ofour episodes on the confessions
(59:04):
website and our YouTube Channel.
We'll see you next Tuesday, whenwe come together to confess
again. Till then, take care ofyou. Okay, let's talk
disclaimers. We are not medicalprofessionals and are not
providing any medical advice. Ifyou have medical questions, we
recommend that you talk with amedical professional of your
(59:26):
choice. As always, my sistersand I at confessions of our
reluctant caregiver have takencare in selecting the speakers,
but the opinions of our speakersare theirs alone. The views and
opinions stated in this show aresolely those of the contributors
and not necessarily those of ourdistributors or hosting company.
This podcast is copyrighted andno part can be reproduced
(59:50):
without the express writtenconsent of the sisterhood of
care LLC, thank you forlistening to The Confessions of
a reluctant care.
Giver, podcast, you.
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