August 13, 2024 • 34 mins
Join us on for an eye-opening conversation with Taylor, who bravely shares her journey through a toxic relationship with a narcissistic partner after moving to California during the pandemic. Taylor opens up about the emotional manipulation she faced, the battle to reclaim her self-worth, and how she eventually broke free. We delve into attachment styles, the importance of setting healthy boundaries, and the steps she took to heal. This episode offers raw truths, practical advice, and hope for anyone recovering from a toxic relationship. Don't miss it!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi guys and welcome back to Confessions of a Wannabe
it Girl, the podcast helpingyou filter out the BS in pursuit
of becoming the next it girl,and today's episode is very much
focused on how to filter outthe BS.
As we all know, life throws uscurve balls.
Things aren't as easy as theymay seem and there's a lot of BS
(00:21):
along the way, and one of thoseareas that we can find a lot of
BS is definitely the datingworld.
That being said, dating andrelationships can be tricky and
they're not as easy as everyDisney movie we watched growing
up.
In today's episode, I am joinedby Taylor to dive into
(00:42):
recovering from getting out oflike a narcissist dating
experience, but I think this isalso really relates to
relationships.
You know, as I relate my ownexperience in not a dating
relationship, this is an episodethat is definitely a little
could be a little triggeringregarding emotional abuse.
So just wanted to say that, butwithout further ado, let's dive
(01:04):
into our healing journey.
Welcome to Confessions of aWannabe it Girl.
I'm your host, marley Fregging,and I'm here to help you filter
out all the bullshit and becomethe next it Girl.
This podcast explores thereality of what it really takes
to make it out there.
As it turns out, it is way lessInstagrammable than I thought
(01:25):
it was going to be.
I'm still very much a work inprogress, but there's simply
nothing else I'd rather be doingthan chasing my dreams.
So let's learn from my mistakesand work together to achieve
our dreams with more confidence,clarity and direction.
Let's get after it All right.
(01:52):
Welcome back to Confessions of aWannabe it Girl.
And today I am joined by thelovely Taylor.
Taylor, welcome to Confessionsof a Wannabe it Girl.
Thank you very much.
I'm excited, tentative, atidbit nervous to be talking
about this topic.
Yet it is something I feel asthough many women experience and
have gone through or have hadan experience in hard dating
(02:13):
situations dealing with anarcissist, unfortunately, in
their life.
So we're going to dive into alot today.
So to back it up, let's givesome context of your story here.
Can you tell us you moved toCalifornia about four years ago
and you started having?
You started dating?
(02:34):
You were in a situation-ship.
Take it away.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
How did we get here?
So originally, when I moved toCalifornia, I moved across the
country.
I drove here by myself, didn'tknow anyone here.
One of the first people I metwas this guy.
Great yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Nice and vulnerable, strong.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
So in my mind and I had a therapist when I had moved
out here.
So we had agreed me and mytherapist like let's just keep
it very unserious, like there'stoo many things going on.
The pandemic was happening Likethere's just so much going on.
That's very unsettled.
Like I wasn't looking for arelationship when I first met
him and I made that clear to him.
But of course, they have theirways of spinning everything
(03:14):
around and making you think thatyou want something that you
didn't even originally want.
So that's basically whathappened.
He was very charismatic and itwas off and on in the beginning.
Charismatic and it was off andon in the beginning.
So the first three months,something happened where he gave
me an ultimatum of if I didn'thave a gym membership, he wasn't
going to see me Again.
This is during the pandemic, sogyms weren't even open.
(03:35):
So I was like what do you wantme to do?
What gym is this guy going to?
I don't know.
I literally had to ask himbecause he just or he had an
excuse, and this happened a lotof times throughout I've I'd
known him for three years.
It happened a lot where he hadhis excuses that were valid, but
(03:55):
mine were never valid and so Idropped it.
At that point I said okay, wellthen you're not going to see me
.
Obviously I'm in the health andwellness industry.
Like I have certifications inthat industry.
I'm obviously going to go tothe gym when it opens up, and so
you obviously don't care to getto know me.
We're going to stop this.
And then a few months later heshows up again and so we start
dating, dating again Air quotes.
Yes, and he made it.
(04:17):
He framed it to like I had toprove myself to be able to date
him, but he also framed it topaint this beautiful picture.
And now, at this time, a fewmonths later, I'm thinking, okay
, maybe, since things are moresettled now, I am looking for a
relationship.
He is a very charismatic person.
He's also a Leo like me andhe's good at talking to people
(04:43):
and he always had great energy.
When I saw him in person, itwas always like immediately I
was like, okay, likeeverything's fine, I guess
because you're just so nice tobe around in this moment.
Yes, and that's, I think, howit kind of tumbled into
everything else.
So there were.
Now this is like where I'mgoing to get really vulnerable
about what happened.
(05:04):
I didn't tell people this partof the situation ship
relationship.
It's very confusing when I eventry to reference it, because I
did call him my boyfriend at onepoint because I thought that's
where it was going and it didn't.
So I had to like, take thatback from people that I was
talking to.
I was like, actually he's notmy boyfriend.
So I just called him like theguy that I was talking to.
(05:26):
I was like, actually he's notmy boyfriend, so I just called
him like the guy that I'm dating.
But since he this ties into himwanting me to go to the gym, he
wanted me to gain weight.
So when I moved out toCalifornia, I for some reason
lost weight.
I'm going to be specificbecause it's never really
bothered me, but I usually, likefor the past 10 years of my
(05:52):
life, hovered around 140.
When I got out to California, Iwent back to a gym in like
January 2021, where I firstweighed myself and I had lost
like 20 pounds, unintentionally,maybe, just from moving to a
new place.
There's lots of new thingshappening.
I'm scared of the grocery storenow, like the stress of living
at the time.
Yes, so a lot of factors wentinto me losing that much weight
and so I wanted to gain weightback, to get back to my healthy
(06:14):
self.
I'm more interested in weighttraining now.
So a lot of things I was like,okay, this aligns, so I'm just
going to go along with it.
Like he gave me a specificweight goal and I met that goal
and then he would give me a newone and I knew at the time that
this was wrong and again, I wasvery open the whole time of
(06:39):
telling him like, hey, I thinkthis is wrong, I don't think
that you should do that topeople.
And he would just come up withall these reasonings.
And he was so confident in theway that he talked that I just,
I guess, if I was shaky in myreasoning and he's not I'm going
to go along with that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I guess, right open to you, know different thinking
or hearing other opinions, orjust genuinely open, will even
consider crazy things justbecause we're open people.
I'm the same Like I'll listento the craziest things and just
be like, well, maybe I can seethat point of view, and then,
like it will be months, weeks,years later and I come back and
(07:17):
I'm like, wait, that was likenot good advice or that was not
something I should have listenedto, and so I can see how, like
you know, you were just being anopen person, yeah, and then on
top of it he has the danglingcarrot of this potential
relationship on top of it, youcould be everything you ever
wanted Right?
So did he come out straightforward and was like I want you
(07:39):
to gain weight, or had youshared with him, like I, you
know, have lost a lot of weightand I want to work towards
getting back to where I was, itwas probably a few months in
that he shared it pretty openly.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
He's like I think I like thicker women.
I want you to get to like thisweight goal.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
So just by chance, this guy knew, like by chance,
that that was also something youwere like.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
I don't know if he knew.
I don't know if it's just like.
That's why I went along with itat first, like maybe this does
just align because you hadalready had the initial thought
yes, like, and that's just like.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
why are people so able to creep on, like our inner
thoughts?
And I mean, maybe there hadbeen other seeds along the way
that he had tried to plant andthey didn't kick with you as
much as that one did because youwere thinking about it.
Okay, so we can categorize thisrelationship as starting to
feel a little toxic, a littleuncomfortable.
(08:32):
At what point did you start tothink like eh, maybe this is
something I shouldn't continueto pursue?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
I think the whole time, Wow, the whole time.
Like, if I go back and read myjournals, I'm like very much in
the beginning I was like I don'tthink this is ever going to
come and pan out to anything,but I always just held on to
like that little bit of hope.
I'm like, well, what if it does?
And like my thought process wasand I still don't think that I
wasted my time because I learneda lot.
I mean, I'm here talking aboutit now and like hopefully
(09:03):
sharing experience with otherpeople in similar situations.
So I definitely think that,like we go through everything
for a reason.
I actually I remember one time,maybe within less than a year
of knowing him, that I was likeokay, it's cut off.
Like, and I did this decisionon my own.
I was like this is done, Like Ithink I sent him a text and I
was cause I don't know, I gotjudging you.
(09:28):
And, um, he wasn't a phone callperson, Like he's very distant.
From the beginning.
I think I was just adjusting tohim that way and he called me
and I was like he never calls me, and so he had this whole spiel
of like no, no, no, no, likelet's keep doing this, and
reeled me back in and I'mrealizing that he was kind of
testing like how far I would bewilling to bend and was, I guess
(09:50):
, just figuring me out, and Istayed in it, even like maybe a
year and a half after that andthe real turning point where I
ended it so it's now been a yearand a half since this day, like
early March 2023, I wasspeaking to my friend on the
phone who's gone through a verysimilar relationship.
Unfortunately, she was marriedto the man and he was much worse
(10:13):
in his abuse and I'm not shyingaway from the word, it was
emotional abuse and I was like,oh shit, I can't get to that
point Like I need to cut thisoff now.
And at the time he had given meanother ultimatum.
This one's a little bit morefunny than the weight gaining
(10:34):
situation.
I had cut my hair and I knewthat he didn't like my hair is
long now I've always liked myhair long.
He liked my hair long and hesaid if you trim it, we're done
or I'm not speaking to you.
And I have these little faceframing pieces and I was like
I'm going to make these today.
This morning, like veryspontaneous, I sent him a
picture of the pieces of hair on, like on my sink or whatever.
(10:57):
And he's like okay, we're done,like I'm not going to speak to
you for two months, yeah.
And I still, like I was gonnawait it out for like I don't
know how long.
I figured it wouldn't beexactly two months, but he would
still respond to my calls, mytexts.
So we were still talking.
I just wasn't seeing him.
But because this was so weirdof a control factor and I spoke
(11:21):
to my friend who was goingthrough this similar situation,
I was like he's doing this stuffnow.
It could grow into something somuch worse.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Right, already not great, like very not good, but
like I don't even want to thinkabout where the tumbleweed would
tumble at this point, it's onlygoing to.
You know, the more people giveinto the same behaviors and the
more he feels that he cancontinue to do these types of
behaviors, it will only getbigger and bigger.
So was that your like I call itcrying on the bathroom floor
(11:51):
moment where you would realize,like all right, like I'm
actually going to pull the plugon this.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Yeah, I don't think I had my crying on the bathroom
floor moment until maybe a fewdays afterwards is when it
really hit me, because there wasso much like adrenaline when
you call this person.
He again is trying to use thosemanipulation tactics within
conversations.
I never won an argument withthis man.
I never did because I'm one ofthose people and I learned this
a lot going through therapy andlistening to other people talk
(12:19):
about situations that if you'rewilling to consider that you
might be the incorrect person,they're going to win the
argument.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Right, that's like a power pull.
So what were your next stepshere?
We have a lot of recovery andresearch to learn here.
What did you start diving into?
Speaker 2 (12:37):
It was only a couple days after that I had ended it
that I made a TikTok where Italk about this stuff on and
just sharing my story.
I posted some of the textmessages and I shared some
things that I was personallygoing through and like what I
was feeling, it's literally anaddiction Getting rid of
(12:58):
somebody that you've had in yourlife consistently for that long
.
Your brain is addicted to it.
So you have, to like, gothrough those withdrawal
symptoms.
Oh boy, could I write a bookabout that one.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Yeah, I did not have a narcissist situationship.
Narcissist situationship, I hada narcissist.
I mean maybe not correctlydiagnosed, but from my best
assumption and from what I'vetold my therapist, best
assumption a narcissist bestfriend for 13 years.
It's a long time.
It's a long time.
It's very addictive to be inthese situationships with them.
(13:30):
You really, I mean, I remembermultiple times crying to my
mother, crying to people, andthem being like why don't you
just do something different?
And I literally just didn'tthink I could.
I didn't see a different path,I didn't know a different path.
My brain chemistry didn'tunderstand a different path.
It's very addicted to havesomebody in your life for a long
period of time and so your nextsteps going back to therapy,
(13:55):
getting into therapy.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Well, one of it was definitely sharing first and
then getting into therapy.
I didn't get into therapy alittle bit later, Although I
should have it's just therapy isexpensive.
I would have run away if it waswithin the means.
But therapy has definitelyhelped and I think throughout
the time that I was with him Iwas scared to share a lot of
those things because it'sridiculous to put somebody
(14:18):
through.
So why was I putting myselfthrough it?
So it's embarrassing to sharewith even the people closest to
me A lot of them, my bestfriends.
My family still knows none ofthis.
I'm never going to tell myparents about this because I
think it would absolutelyshatter them and my best friends
.
I would give them tidbits andthey'd question me further on it
(14:39):
and I would just try to evadethe questions, like I was just
too embarrassed.
Yeah, exactly, it was there.
So, it was definitely talking topeople and in sharing things on
TikTok I was finding peoplewith very similar stories and it
was like astonishing and kindof scary how many people could
relate to the situation.
It was really sad, but I meanit also made me feel a little
(15:01):
bit better, like feel less shamearound it, so that I could
share more, because we're all inthe same thing.
So why not share it so that wecan all help get out of it and
move on?
So that's one thing that reallyhelped was hearing other
stories of women mostly womengoing through the same thing.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Yeah, so you're starting to share.
Do you feel like on TikTok andstuff, do you feel any relief
from like sharing thisexperience?
Oh, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
I feel like it brought a lot of weight off of
my shoulders just knowing thatthere were some people that were
going through the sameexperiences or had gone through
the same experiences.
So, definitely sharing andhearing other people's stories
and, along with therapy, justfinding things to take up my
time and my interests I mean,it's not for everyone, but going
(15:47):
places by myself.
I don't have a lot of friendsthat have a lot of available
time, so I'll just do things bymyself.
So, finding things thatinterest you, finding people on
the internet, like even ifthey're strangers.
Finding podcasts I've divedinto a lot of podcasts since
that time of mostly self-help,and a lot of the resources have
(16:10):
come from my therapist too.
So reading YouTube, tiktok,like a lot of these things have
helped me move on because itframed my mindset of like this
is okay.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Yeah, it's okay, it does happen.
It's like I think that's thething, too is, when you go
through situations like this,you think like, oh my God, this
has never happened to anyoneelse.
I'm so embarrassed.
Or like I'm so just like Ican't believe I lived under this
rock of this for so long.
And then you realize, oh wait,just like I can't believe I
lived under this rock of thisfor so long.
And then you realize, oh wait,this actually does happen to so
(16:42):
many people.
It's okay, and there is a lotof help out there from all your
readings, youtubes, tiktoks,podcasts, what have been like
the key insights you've startedto learn, and where did, if you
recall, where did they come from?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Most of it came from my therapist, so she recommended
looking at YouTube videos fromDr Romani, which I'm sure a lot
of people in these situationshave already heard of her.
She's a specialist innarcissistic relationships and
has a lot of educational videosonline, as well as a book my
therapist recommended.
She brought the book we love itthe Covert, passive, aggressive
(17:15):
Narcissist.
So that's only one type ofnarcissist.
Give it a flash to the camera,cue, and that's only one type of
narcissist.
So there's several differenttypes.
There's like the moreself-righteous type.
I mean I don't remember all ofthem off bat.
Like I said, dr Armani goesthrough all the different types
on her channel and this one inparticular is going to be covert
(17:37):
means like hidden, passive,aggressive.
So it's not like you're notgoing to see it right away,
you're not going to realize itwithin the first two months of
dating.
Even so, a lot of people sharetheir experience in this book
that we're in like 15-yearmarriages before they realize
anything.
And I mean this has thedefinition of narcissist with
(17:59):
like a little checklist Ooh, so,just so it doesn't come from my
mouth yeah, the Diagnostic andStatistical Manual of Mental
Disorders, fourth edition.
So a patient that's diagnosedwith narcissistic personality
disorder.
They will have at least five ofthe following traits to be
diagnosed with havingnarcissistic personality
(18:22):
disorder.
If you want to take a look, Ihighlighted like nine out of ten
of them or whatever.
So they have a grandiose senseof importance, for example,
exaggerated achievements andtalents.
Expect to be recognized assuperior without commensurate
achievements.
Are you taking notes in yourhead?
Is preoccupied with fantasiesof unlimited success, power,
(18:45):
brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
Three believes that he or sheis special and unique and can
only be understood by or shouldassociate with other special or
high status people.
Four requires excessiveadmiration, which I feel like is
the most well known, that's themost well known one.
Yeah, five has a sense ofentitlement.
(19:07):
Six is interpersonallyexploitative.
For example, they exploitpeople.
So they take advantage ofothers to achieve his or her own
ends.
Seven lacks empathy isunwilling to recognize or
identify with feelings and needsof others.
Eight is often envious ofothers or believes that others
(19:29):
are envious of him or her.
And then nine shows arrogant,haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Wow, how many is there in?
Speaker 1 (19:36):
total nine.
Okay, I have, I've had eight inmy head.
Yeah, how many did you have foreight?
Great, beautiful setting.
We love that for us, yeah, soyou know, in the, the funniest
part to me is like a narcissistwould never a pick up this book
right b ever think that theyhave any of these things.
The term narcissist is sothrown around Like, ah, I'm just
(20:00):
being such a narcissist, youknow, you'll even say it about
yourself, just like when you'reventing, but yet it's a very
clinical and serious yet term.
Do you know anything about theattachment styles?
Yes, okay, great, let's diveinto this.
I happen to be an anxious Same,okay, great.
So you have a lot of experiencebeing an anxious attachment
(20:21):
style.
When in this process did yourealize that maybe your
attachment style and the energythis person was bringing were
just a colossal match and weregoing to create disaster?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Probably not until after I didn't connect the
pieces when I was in there.
I discovered the attachmentstyles while I was in it and I
was like, okay, I'm definitelyan attachment, an anxious
attachment girly, because I wasalways the one that wanted the
connection and he would bestonewalling, not answering and
like very distant, and so I waslike, okay, he's avoidant, I'm
(20:53):
anxious.
I never I had even like I likeokay, he's avoidant, I'm anxious
.
I never I had even like I likeI said I was very honest with
him.
I'm like I think you're, youhave narcissistic traits.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Like I said that you did.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, how did that go ?
Well, he like I said he alwayswon the arguments.
So of course he denied, he hasexcuses and he like turns it
around on me, I'm the evilperson, actually not him.
So that's how most of ourconversations went.
But I didn't realize untilafterwards, like how it all
played out, because it was Iwouldn't call it like a typical
(21:25):
anxious avoidance situation withhim because it was so
emotionally abusive andmanipulative.
But I saw my anxious attachmentstyle now that I knew knew what
it was play out inrelationships.
After that Relationships, Ihaven't been in a relationship,
yeah, but I mean relationships,friendships.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
You know it takes two people to have a relationship.
I mean we just coin it to beboyfriend, girlfriend, but it's
not linear like that.
So the abuse of an anxiousattachment style, or let me tell
you the other ones we have here, uh, secure, a bevelant,
avoidant or disorganizedhonestly, had never heard of
disorganized before this.
(22:04):
This is from helporg.
The attachment styles, let'sdive in.
Okay, so we have secure,empathetic and able to set
appropriate boundaries with.
people with a secure attachmentstyle tend to feel safe, stable
and more satisfied in theirclose relationships.
(22:25):
While they don't fear being ontheir own, they usually thrive
in close, meaningfulrelationships.
Honestly, show me somebody whohas a secure attachment style
Like I'm so happy for you.
I don't think we know eachother.
Okay, anxious attachment style.
People with an anxious or abevelant attachment style, also
referred to a bevelant anxiousor simply anxious a bevelant,
(22:46):
tend to be overly needy, as thelabel suggests.
People with this attachmentstyle are often anxious and
uncertain, lacking inself-esteem.
They crave emotional intimacybut worry that others don't want
to be with them.
And I get that.
I feel that in my core andbones.
Then let's see avoided.
Adults with an avoidant,dismissive, insecure attachment
(23:07):
style are the opposite of thosewith an ambivalent or anxious
preoccupied, instead of cravingintimacy, they're wary of
closeness.
They try to avoid emotionalconnection with others and
they'd rather not rely on othersor have others rely on them.
Okay, disorganized, the one weknow nothing about.
Disorganized attachment styles,also referred to as fear.
(23:28):
Avoidant attachment styles,stems from intense fear, often
as a result of childhood trauma,neglect or abuse.
Adults with this style ofinsecure attachment, tend to
feel they don't deserve love orcloseness in a relationship.
And yet I think every singleone of these attachment styles,
even a secure, could fall to anarcissist relationship.
(23:51):
I don't think just because youhave a secure attachment style
doesn't mean you can't, you know, get weeped into the web Now
that you're on the other side ofit and we're in a dating detox.
How's that going?
It's been almost two months.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
And how do you feel?
I feel peaceful.
I love that, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
What are some healthy boundaries you've established
for yourself and what are someeasy starting maybe like first
step, baby step, tricycle wheelboundaries you would suggest to
somebody who's coming out of asimilar situation?
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I don't remember who mentioned this.
As a psychologist, I waslistening to someone recommended
to not date after anarcissistic, abusive
relationship for a year.
That's a long time.
I didn't hear this until it wasalmost a year and so I was like
, oh dang it, I was doing itwrong.
I think everyone's a little bitdifferent.
So, like I said, dive intothings that you love and talk to
(24:48):
people.
Like talking to people hashelped me so much to find that
peace.
Yes, talking to people, talkingto friends, doing things with
friends, talking to people onthe internet that have similar
situations, boundaries, so I'mstill working on everything,
girl, we all are.
I already had anothersituationship that I just
recently.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
That is so common.
Yeah, like the number one thing, I think after you get out of a
relationship, friendship,whatever it may be with a
narcissist is to end up back inone, because you know what it's
like and you're, it'scomfortable and it's just like
the patterns already set so youwere in another one.
It's hard to get out of thepatterns.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Um, I wouldn't call this person a narcissist, and I
was trying to be so intentional,like really, really thought I
had the conversations and wewere on the same page, but like
a few months in I was like weare not on the same page and it
was another situation of Iwanted something real.
They were too busy with theircareer and their work and so it
just because I was already in it, I was like it was
(25:51):
uncomfortable to leave again andso I I don't I mean, I'm not
perfect, so I'm still not whereI want to be, which is why I'm
taking a dating detox at therecommendation of my therapist.
But I think I have a what's theword?
(26:15):
A?
Weaker willpower than some ofmy friends and counterparts.
It is what it is, but you'reaware of it Exactly.
I think you know.
Writing things out, talking topeople, learning, like educating
yourself on all of this, allthe things you've been through,
the people that you've dealtwith, is the best way to
recognize it.
Going forward, I hope that Iwill never be in another
(26:37):
emotionally abusive relationship, but I mean, you never know
until you're in it and then youhave to find your way out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, it's not like they walk around with a sign on
their head that says I'm anemotionally abusive person and
like I should avoid them.
Yes, we start to realizequicker that maybe this next
friendship relationship,whatever it may be, is not going
to serve us, because we'velearned some of these lessons
along the way, but like it's notalways so clear, it's not so
evident, it doesn't you know,they don't walk around with
(27:06):
those.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
I think that's a good point is you might still find
them, but recognizing it sooneris what's going to keep you safe
and healthy and find whatyou're actually looking for.
A lot of the comments that Igot on the things that I posted
on TikTok was like oh, I wouldnever I was an, I would never
girly Same.
Like I hope that they mean thatbecause I want them to stay
(27:28):
safe and mentally healthy, butlike you never know until you're
already there and it's like, ohshit, like I guess it happened
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Here we are, well, and it's like, well, maybe the
exact thing that happened to youwould never happen to them.
But like, change the elementsand now look where we are.
You just like you never knowuntil you've you've walked a
mile in that situation and youknow hindsight's kind of a bitch
when you go back to dating,cause, I mean, I assume you seem
(28:00):
like a lovely, lovely youngwoman what is?
Your plan to approach dating,and like what qualities are you
going to make sure to avoid?
Like what are the lessons we'velearned?
Speaker 2 (28:13):
well, now I can see the patterns, like you said more
clearly early on, and so my,like I said, I already tried to
go in really intentionally.
So it's weird to say like, okay, now I'm actually going to go
in intentionally.
But it looked like having theconversation like, hey, what are
you looking for?
And I think his answer wasambiguous enough that I thought
(28:38):
the door was open, instead oflike a clear okay, yes, I'm
looking for someone that I willdate for marriage.
I guess that's the answer thatI'll be looking for.
I'm 31.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
So it's not like I'm young in my twenties anymore,
like, yeah, whatever, I'll justgo with the flow.
People get married here at 55.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Like you got time People get divorced a lot too,
and then we're going to be a lotmore intentional and listen to
the answers carefully so thatthey're exactly a match, because
I found a lot of people thatare not my match.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Yeah, I had this amazing girl on the podcast.
She's the host of Seeing OtherPeople, a dating podcast, and
she talked about how, on dates,like they'd be you know they'd
be like, after you know theydidn't want to see her again.
They'd be like, oh, like youknow, it'd be so great if we
just be friends, you know.
And she's like, honestly, likeI'm not looking for friends, I'm
(29:34):
looking for marriage.
Like you're, you're, you havemore than enough friends, you
have enough people.
You don't need to keep thesepeople in your back pocket
hoping that they're going tochange their abusive or interest
in you ways.
It's okay to just say I'm notlooking for friends here.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
I don't know why everyone's looking for friends
on dating apps.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
I'm busy with friends .
I think it's strange.
I should probably be cuttingfriends.
I understand.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
I moved to LA and I was by myself and I did make
some friends on dating apps, butit was naturally I wasn't like
okay, I don't actually like you,so let's just be friends.
I don't know, I think there's alot of friend lookers.
Yeah, Friend lookers.
We love that.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
How do you feel that you are on your healing journey
with this?
What is the status, what aremaybe some things that really
have just come to you in thepast couple months that having
this dating detox that havereally been like, oh, I'm
healing.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
I think I've just kept really active and busy, so
maybe it's hard to recognizebecause I've been filling my
time with a lot of things.
I guess I won't know until I'mdating again, because that's
when everything comes out Again.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
I love that open perspective Like you're just
like, yeah, you know, I'm notgoing to know, I don't have to
like say it's healed or it'sdone.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
I don't know if it'll ever be healed.
I feel like we're always like.
Even secure attachments will goback and forth between whatever
anxious or avoidant side theylean towards.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
That being said, I'm not going to not ask this
question, even though we justsaid that healing is kind of
like an ever-evolving thing andit may never fully go away.
But what would you say tosomeone maybe somebody who's
slid into your comments onTikTok, who's in a similar
situation?
What would you say to them?
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Well, firstly, it takes time.
Talk to people.
I actually did have somebody inmy messages recently that was
like help, I'm looking forsupport, and that's exactly what
I told her A lot of times.
I will recommend, if it'swithin your means, changing your
whole environment.
A lot of what drove me toCalifornia at the time was a boy
(31:35):
back home, because it was apandemic, everything was dead
and that's all I could thinkabout, because every time I left
my town there was only one wayin, one way out I was thinking
of he would always go to thatbeach that I was driving by, and
so it was always on my mind andit was like way too much.
I couldn't think of anythingelse.
I couldn't do anything else, soI just crossed country and I'm
not saying that's my wholereasoning, like I'm still here
(31:57):
four years later, you just gotto blow up your life.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
No, literally, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Because that's what helps everything.
It moves things around.
You need change in order to getover something, because it's
always going to keep showing up.
It's going to be front of yourmind if you're doing the same
things, you're driving the sameway past their house, or
something like that.
So I think changing yourenvironment is really helpful.
Talking to people, finding aform of therapy whether that's
just podcasts, listening toother people talk about it or
(32:22):
getting an actual therapist yeah, Taylor, you are so open, so
vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Thank you so much for sharing with the audience this
experience.
I know that it's something,again, a lot of us have gone
through or touched on therelationship.
Do you have any final thoughtsto leave our listeners with?
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I just hope nobody's actually going through this, but
I know that that's probably notthe case because I've seen how
many people are.
So I hope that whoever'slistening that is going through
this, that you talk to peopleyou need to talk to and you
change the things you need tochange, and there's no pressure
to change it right now.
That's one of the things that Ithink I needed is why maybe it
(33:06):
took so long, but it was theright time for me.
So if now is not the time thatyou're able to change, that's
okay.
It'll just come with time.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I always like to think like you always have the
ability to change thingstomorrow or find something else
out in life, but you can't gobackwards, like you can't undo
time.
So like, don't beat yourself upfor the time backwards, just
like make the changes as timecomes in the new day.
Well, taylor, you are so lovely.
You need to tell everybodywhere they can find you and
(33:35):
follow you and all the goodthings.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Okay, the TikTok that I have where I talked about all
of this was cancermercury27.
Because I'm an astrology girl.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Okay, I was like where did that?
Speaker 2 (33:47):
come from, so I do have a cancermercury placement,
which basically just means I crya lot in confrontation.
We love that.
I also cry always, girly, andmy Instagram is just tayeden.
And where can we also find your?
Speaker 1 (34:01):
fitness stuff just for fun On my Instagram.
Love it, oh my gosh.
Thank you so much, guys, andwe'll see you next Tuesday.
Thank you so much for listeningto Confessions of a Wannabe it
Girl.
Don't forget to rate andsubscribe to the show.
As always, we'll see you nextTuesday.
Hi guys and welcome back to Confessions of a Wannabe
it Girl, the podcast helpingyou filter out the BS in pursuit
of becoming the next it girl,and today's episode is very much
focused on how to filter outthe BS.
As we all know, life throws uscurve balls.
Things aren't as easy as theymay seem and there's a lot of BS
(00:21):
along the way, and one of thoseareas that we can find a lot of
BS is definitely the datingworld.
That being said, dating andrelationships can be tricky and
they're not as easy as everyDisney movie we watched growing
up.
In today's episode, I am joinedby Taylor to dive into
(00:42):
recovering from getting out oflike a narcissist dating
experience, but I think this isalso really relates to
relationships.
You know, as I relate my ownexperience in not a dating
relationship, this is an episodethat is definitely a little
could be a little triggeringregarding emotional abuse.
So just wanted to say that, butwithout further ado, let's dive
(01:04):
into our healing journey.
Welcome to Confessions of aWannabe it Girl.
I'm your host, marley Fregging,and I'm here to help you filter
out all the bullshit and becomethe next it Girl.
This podcast explores thereality of what it really takes
to make it out there.
As it turns out, it is way lessInstagrammable than I thought
(01:25):
it was going to be.
I'm still very much a work inprogress, but there's simply
nothing else I'd rather be doingthan chasing my dreams.
So let's learn from my mistakesand work together to achieve
our dreams with more confidence,clarity and direction.
Let's get after it All right.
(01:52):
Welcome back to Confessions of aWannabe it Girl.
And today I am joined by thelovely Taylor.
Taylor, welcome to Confessionsof a Wannabe it Girl.
Thank you very much.
I'm excited, tentative, atidbit nervous to be talking
about this topic.
Yet it is something I feel asthough many women experience and
have gone through or have hadan experience in hard dating
(02:13):
situations dealing with anarcissist, unfortunately, in
their life.
So we're going to dive into alot today.
So to back it up, let's givesome context of your story here.
Can you tell us you moved toCalifornia about four years ago
and you started having?
You started dating?
(02:34):
You were in a situation-ship.
Take it away.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
How did we get here?
So originally, when I moved toCalifornia, I moved across the
country.
I drove here by myself, didn'tknow anyone here.
One of the first people I metwas this guy.
Great yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
Nice and vulnerable, strong.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
So in my mind and I had a therapist when I had moved
out here.
So we had agreed me and mytherapist like let's just keep
it very unserious, like there'stoo many things going on.
The pandemic was happening Likethere's just so much going on.
That's very unsettled.
Like I wasn't looking for arelationship when I first met
him and I made that clear to him.
But of course, they have theirways of spinning everything
(03:14):
around and making you think thatyou want something that you
didn't even originally want.
So that's basically whathappened.
He was very charismatic and itwas off and on in the beginning.
Charismatic and it was off andon in the beginning.
So the first three months,something happened where he gave
me an ultimatum of if I didn'thave a gym membership, he wasn't
going to see me Again.
This is during the pandemic, sogyms weren't even open.
(03:35):
So I was like what do you wantme to do?
What gym is this guy going to?
I don't know.
I literally had to ask himbecause he just or he had an
excuse, and this happened a lotof times throughout I've I'd
known him for three years.
It happened a lot where he hadhis excuses that were valid, but
(03:55):
mine were never valid and so Idropped it.
At that point I said okay, wellthen you're not going to see me
.
Obviously I'm in the health andwellness industry.
Like I have certifications inthat industry.
I'm obviously going to go tothe gym when it opens up, and so
you obviously don't care to getto know me.
We're going to stop this.
And then a few months later heshows up again and so we start
dating, dating again Air quotes.
Yes, and he made it.
(04:17):
He framed it to like I had toprove myself to be able to date
him, but he also framed it topaint this beautiful picture.
And now, at this time, a fewmonths later, I'm thinking, okay
, maybe, since things are moresettled now, I am looking for a
relationship.
He is a very charismatic person.
He's also a Leo like me andhe's good at talking to people
(04:43):
and he always had great energy.
When I saw him in person, itwas always like immediately I
was like, okay, likeeverything's fine, I guess
because you're just so nice tobe around in this moment.
Yes, and that's, I think, howit kind of tumbled into
everything else.
So there were.
Now this is like where I'mgoing to get really vulnerable
about what happened.
(05:04):
I didn't tell people this partof the situation ship
relationship.
It's very confusing when I eventry to reference it, because I
did call him my boyfriend at onepoint because I thought that's
where it was going and it didn't.
So I had to like, take thatback from people that I was
talking to.
I was like, actually he's notmy boyfriend.
So I just called him like theguy that I was talking to.
(05:26):
I was like, actually he's notmy boyfriend, so I just called
him like the guy that I'm dating.
But since he this ties into himwanting me to go to the gym, he
wanted me to gain weight.
So when I moved out toCalifornia, I for some reason
lost weight.
I'm going to be specificbecause it's never really
bothered me, but I usually, likefor the past 10 years of my
(05:52):
life, hovered around 140.
When I got out to California, Iwent back to a gym in like
January 2021, where I firstweighed myself and I had lost
like 20 pounds, unintentionally,maybe, just from moving to a
new place.
There's lots of new thingshappening.
I'm scared of the grocery storenow, like the stress of living
at the time.
Yes, so a lot of factors wentinto me losing that much weight
and so I wanted to gain weightback, to get back to my healthy
(06:14):
self.
I'm more interested in weighttraining now.
So a lot of things I was like,okay, this aligns, so I'm just
going to go along with it.
Like he gave me a specificweight goal and I met that goal
and then he would give me a newone and I knew at the time that
this was wrong and again, I wasvery open the whole time of
(06:39):
telling him like, hey, I thinkthis is wrong, I don't think
that you should do that topeople.
And he would just come up withall these reasonings.
And he was so confident in theway that he talked that I just,
I guess, if I was shaky in myreasoning and he's not I'm going
to go along with that.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
I guess, right open to you, know different thinking
or hearing other opinions, orjust genuinely open, will even
consider crazy things justbecause we're open people.
I'm the same Like I'll listento the craziest things and just
be like, well, maybe I can seethat point of view, and then,
like it will be months, weeks,years later and I come back and
(07:17):
I'm like, wait, that was likenot good advice or that was not
something I should have listenedto, and so I can see how, like
you know, you were just being anopen person, yeah, and then on
top of it he has the danglingcarrot of this potential
relationship on top of it, youcould be everything you ever
wanted Right?
So did he come out straightforward and was like I want you
(07:39):
to gain weight, or had youshared with him, like I, you
know, have lost a lot of weightand I want to work towards
getting back to where I was, itwas probably a few months in
that he shared it pretty openly.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
He's like I think I like thicker women.
I want you to get to like thisweight goal.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
So just by chance, this guy knew, like by chance,
that that was also something youwere like.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
I don't know if he knew.
I don't know if it's just like.
That's why I went along with itat first, like maybe this does
just align because you hadalready had the initial thought
yes, like, and that's just like.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
why are people so able to creep on, like our inner
thoughts?
And I mean, maybe there hadbeen other seeds along the way
that he had tried to plant andthey didn't kick with you as
much as that one did because youwere thinking about it.
Okay, so we can categorize thisrelationship as starting to
feel a little toxic, a littleuncomfortable.
(08:32):
At what point did you start tothink like eh, maybe this is
something I shouldn't continueto pursue?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
I think the whole time, Wow, the whole time.
Like, if I go back and read myjournals, I'm like very much in
the beginning I was like I don'tthink this is ever going to
come and pan out to anything,but I always just held on to
like that little bit of hope.
I'm like, well, what if it does?
And like my thought process wasand I still don't think that I
wasted my time because I learneda lot.
I mean, I'm here talking aboutit now and like hopefully
(09:03):
sharing experience with otherpeople in similar situations.
So I definitely think that,like we go through everything
for a reason.
I actually I remember one time,maybe within less than a year
of knowing him, that I was likeokay, it's cut off.
Like, and I did this decisionon my own.
I was like this is done, Like Ithink I sent him a text and I
was cause I don't know, I gotjudging you.
(09:28):
And, um, he wasn't a phone callperson, Like he's very distant.
From the beginning.
I think I was just adjusting tohim that way and he called me
and I was like he never calls me, and so he had this whole spiel
of like no, no, no, no, likelet's keep doing this, and
reeled me back in and I'mrealizing that he was kind of
testing like how far I would bewilling to bend and was, I guess
(09:50):
, just figuring me out, and Istayed in it, even like maybe a
year and a half after that andthe real turning point where I
ended it so it's now been a yearand a half since this day, like
early March 2023, I wasspeaking to my friend on the
phone who's gone through a verysimilar relationship.
Unfortunately, she was marriedto the man and he was much worse
(10:13):
in his abuse and I'm not shyingaway from the word, it was
emotional abuse and I was like,oh shit, I can't get to that
point Like I need to cut thisoff now.
And at the time he had given meanother ultimatum.
This one's a little bit morefunny than the weight gaining
(10:34):
situation.
I had cut my hair and I knewthat he didn't like my hair is
long now I've always liked myhair long.
He liked my hair long and hesaid if you trim it, we're done
or I'm not speaking to you.
And I have these little faceframing pieces and I was like
I'm going to make these today.
This morning, like veryspontaneous, I sent him a
picture of the pieces of hair on, like on my sink or whatever.
(10:57):
And he's like okay, we're done,like I'm not going to speak to
you for two months, yeah.
And I still, like I was gonnawait it out for like I don't
know how long.
I figured it wouldn't beexactly two months, but he would
still respond to my calls, mytexts.
So we were still talking.
I just wasn't seeing him.
But because this was so weirdof a control factor and I spoke
(11:21):
to my friend who was goingthrough this similar situation,
I was like he's doing this stuffnow.
It could grow into something somuch worse.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Right, already not great, like very not good, but
like I don't even want to thinkabout where the tumbleweed would
tumble at this point, it's onlygoing to.
You know, the more people giveinto the same behaviors and the
more he feels that he cancontinue to do these types of
behaviors, it will only getbigger and bigger.
So was that your like I call itcrying on the bathroom floor
(11:51):
moment where you would realize,like all right, like I'm
actually going to pull the plugon this.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
Yeah, I don't think I had my crying on the bathroom
floor moment until maybe a fewdays afterwards is when it
really hit me, because there wasso much like adrenaline when
you call this person.
He again is trying to use thosemanipulation tactics within
conversations.
I never won an argument withthis man.
I never did because I'm one ofthose people and I learned this
a lot going through therapy andlistening to other people talk
(12:19):
about situations that if you'rewilling to consider that you
might be the incorrect person,they're going to win the
argument.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Right, that's like a power pull.
So what were your next stepshere?
We have a lot of recovery andresearch to learn here.
What did you start diving into?
Speaker 2 (12:37):
It was only a couple days after that I had ended it
that I made a TikTok where Italk about this stuff on and
just sharing my story.
I posted some of the textmessages and I shared some
things that I was personallygoing through and like what I
was feeling, it's literally anaddiction Getting rid of
(12:58):
somebody that you've had in yourlife consistently for that long
.
Your brain is addicted to it.
So you have, to like, gothrough those withdrawal
symptoms.
Oh boy, could I write a bookabout that one.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Yeah, I did not have a narcissist situationship.
Narcissist situationship, I hada narcissist.
I mean maybe not correctlydiagnosed, but from my best
assumption and from what I'vetold my therapist, best
assumption a narcissist bestfriend for 13 years.
It's a long time.
It's a long time.
It's very addictive to be inthese situationships with them.
(13:30):
You really, I mean, I remembermultiple times crying to my
mother, crying to people, andthem being like why don't you
just do something different?
And I literally just didn'tthink I could.
I didn't see a different path,I didn't know a different path.
My brain chemistry didn'tunderstand a different path.
It's very addicted to havesomebody in your life for a long
period of time and so your nextsteps going back to therapy,
(13:55):
getting into therapy.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Well, one of it was definitely sharing first and
then getting into therapy.
I didn't get into therapy alittle bit later, Although I
should have it's just therapy isexpensive.
I would have run away if it waswithin the means.
But therapy has definitelyhelped and I think throughout
the time that I was with him Iwas scared to share a lot of
those things because it'sridiculous to put somebody
(14:18):
through.
So why was I putting myselfthrough it?
So it's embarrassing to sharewith even the people closest to
me A lot of them, my bestfriends.
My family still knows none ofthis.
I'm never going to tell myparents about this because I
think it would absolutelyshatter them and my best friends
.
I would give them tidbits andthey'd question me further on it
(14:39):
and I would just try to evadethe questions, like I was just
too embarrassed.
Yeah, exactly, it was there.
So, it was definitely talking topeople and in sharing things on
TikTok I was finding peoplewith very similar stories and it
was like astonishing and kindof scary how many people could
relate to the situation.
It was really sad, but I meanit also made me feel a little
(15:01):
bit better, like feel less shamearound it, so that I could
share more, because we're all inthe same thing.
So why not share it so that wecan all help get out of it and
move on?
So that's one thing that reallyhelped was hearing other
stories of women mostly womengoing through the same thing.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Yeah, so you're starting to share.
Do you feel like on TikTok andstuff, do you feel any relief
from like sharing thisexperience?
Oh, a hundred percent.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
I feel like it brought a lot of weight off of
my shoulders just knowing thatthere were some people that were
going through the sameexperiences or had gone through
the same experiences.
So, definitely sharing andhearing other people's stories
and, along with therapy, justfinding things to take up my
time and my interests I mean,it's not for everyone, but going
(15:47):
places by myself.
I don't have a lot of friendsthat have a lot of available
time, so I'll just do things bymyself.
So, finding things thatinterest you, finding people on
the internet, like even ifthey're strangers.
Finding podcasts I've divedinto a lot of podcasts since
that time of mostly self-help,and a lot of the resources have
(16:10):
come from my therapist too.
So reading YouTube, tiktok,like a lot of these things have
helped me move on because itframed my mindset of like this
is okay.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Yeah, it's okay, it does happen.
It's like I think that's thething, too is, when you go
through situations like this,you think like, oh my God, this
has never happened to anyoneelse.
I'm so embarrassed.
Or like I'm so just like Ican't believe I lived under this
rock of this for so long.
And then you realize, oh wait,just like I can't believe I
lived under this rock of thisfor so long.
And then you realize, oh wait,this actually does happen to so
(16:42):
many people.
It's okay, and there is a lotof help out there from all your
readings, youtubes, tiktoks,podcasts, what have been like
the key insights you've startedto learn, and where did, if you
recall, where did they come from?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Most of it came from my therapist, so she recommended
looking at YouTube videos fromDr Romani, which I'm sure a lot
of people in these situationshave already heard of her.
She's a specialist innarcissistic relationships and
has a lot of educational videosonline, as well as a book my
therapist recommended.
She brought the book we love itthe Covert, passive, aggressive
(17:15):
Narcissist.
So that's only one type ofnarcissist.
Give it a flash to the camera,cue, and that's only one type of
narcissist.
So there's several differenttypes.
There's like the moreself-righteous type.
I mean I don't remember all ofthem off bat.
Like I said, dr Armani goesthrough all the different types
on her channel and this one inparticular is going to be covert
(17:37):
means like hidden, passive,aggressive.
So it's not like you're notgoing to see it right away,
you're not going to realize itwithin the first two months of
dating.
Even so, a lot of people sharetheir experience in this book
that we're in like 15-yearmarriages before they realize
anything.
And I mean this has thedefinition of narcissist with
(17:59):
like a little checklist Ooh, so,just so it doesn't come from my
mouth yeah, the Diagnostic andStatistical Manual of Mental
Disorders, fourth edition.
So a patient that's diagnosedwith narcissistic personality
disorder.
They will have at least five ofthe following traits to be
diagnosed with havingnarcissistic personality
(18:22):
disorder.
If you want to take a look, Ihighlighted like nine out of ten
of them or whatever.
So they have a grandiose senseof importance, for example,
exaggerated achievements andtalents.
Expect to be recognized assuperior without commensurate
achievements.
Are you taking notes in yourhead?
Is preoccupied with fantasiesof unlimited success, power,
(18:45):
brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
Three believes that he or sheis special and unique and can
only be understood by or shouldassociate with other special or
high status people.
Four requires excessiveadmiration, which I feel like is
the most well known, that's themost well known one.
Yeah, five has a sense ofentitlement.
(19:07):
Six is interpersonallyexploitative.
For example, they exploitpeople.
So they take advantage ofothers to achieve his or her own
ends.
Seven lacks empathy isunwilling to recognize or
identify with feelings and needsof others.
Eight is often envious ofothers or believes that others
(19:29):
are envious of him or her.
And then nine shows arrogant,haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Wow, how many is there in?
Speaker 1 (19:36):
total nine.
Okay, I have, I've had eight inmy head.
Yeah, how many did you have foreight?
Great, beautiful setting.
We love that for us, yeah, soyou know, in the, the funniest
part to me is like a narcissistwould never a pick up this book
right b ever think that theyhave any of these things.
The term narcissist is sothrown around Like, ah, I'm just
(20:00):
being such a narcissist, youknow, you'll even say it about
yourself, just like when you'reventing, but yet it's a very
clinical and serious yet term.
Do you know anything about theattachment styles?
Yes, okay, great, let's diveinto this.
I happen to be an anxious Same,okay, great.
So you have a lot of experiencebeing an anxious attachment
(20:21):
style.
When in this process did yourealize that maybe your
attachment style and the energythis person was bringing were
just a colossal match and weregoing to create disaster?
Speaker 2 (20:33):
Probably not until after I didn't connect the
pieces when I was in there.
I discovered the attachmentstyles while I was in it and I
was like, okay, I'm definitelyan attachment, an anxious
attachment girly, because I wasalways the one that wanted the
connection and he would bestonewalling, not answering and
like very distant, and so I waslike, okay, he's avoidant, I'm
(20:53):
anxious.
I never I had even like I likeokay, he's avoidant, I'm anxious
.
I never I had even like I likeI said I was very honest with
him.
I'm like I think you're, youhave narcissistic traits.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Like I said that you did.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, how did that go ?
Well, he like I said he alwayswon the arguments.
So of course he denied, he hasexcuses and he like turns it
around on me, I'm the evilperson, actually not him.
So that's how most of ourconversations went.
But I didn't realize untilafterwards, like how it all
played out, because it was Iwouldn't call it like a typical
(21:25):
anxious avoidance situation withhim because it was so
emotionally abusive andmanipulative.
But I saw my anxious attachmentstyle now that I knew knew what
it was play out inrelationships.
After that Relationships, Ihaven't been in a relationship,
yeah, but I mean relationships,friendships.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
You know it takes two people to have a relationship.
I mean we just coin it to beboyfriend, girlfriend, but it's
not linear like that.
So the abuse of an anxiousattachment style, or let me tell
you the other ones we have here, uh, secure, a bevelant,
avoidant or disorganizedhonestly, had never heard of
disorganized before this.
(22:04):
This is from helporg.
The attachment styles, let'sdive in.
Okay, so we have secure,empathetic and able to set
appropriate boundaries with.
people with a secure attachmentstyle tend to feel safe, stable
and more satisfied in theirclose relationships.
(22:25):
While they don't fear being ontheir own, they usually thrive
in close, meaningfulrelationships.
Honestly, show me somebody whohas a secure attachment style
Like I'm so happy for you.
I don't think we know eachother.
Okay, anxious attachment style.
People with an anxious or abevelant attachment style, also
referred to a bevelant anxiousor simply anxious a bevelant,
(22:46):
tend to be overly needy, as thelabel suggests.
People with this attachmentstyle are often anxious and
uncertain, lacking inself-esteem.
They crave emotional intimacybut worry that others don't want
to be with them.
And I get that.
I feel that in my core andbones.
Then let's see avoided.
Adults with an avoidant,dismissive, insecure attachment
(23:07):
style are the opposite of thosewith an ambivalent or anxious
preoccupied, instead of cravingintimacy, they're wary of
closeness.
They try to avoid emotionalconnection with others and
they'd rather not rely on othersor have others rely on them.
Okay, disorganized, the one weknow nothing about.
Disorganized attachment styles,also referred to as fear.
(23:28):
Avoidant attachment styles,stems from intense fear, often
as a result of childhood trauma,neglect or abuse.
Adults with this style ofinsecure attachment, tend to
feel they don't deserve love orcloseness in a relationship.
And yet I think every singleone of these attachment styles,
even a secure, could fall to anarcissist relationship.
(23:51):
I don't think just because youhave a secure attachment style
doesn't mean you can't, you know, get weeped into the web Now
that you're on the other side ofit and we're in a dating detox.
How's that going?
It's been almost two months.
Speaker 2 (24:07):
And how do you feel?
I feel peaceful.
I love that, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
What are some healthy boundaries you've established
for yourself and what are someeasy starting maybe like first
step, baby step, tricycle wheelboundaries you would suggest to
somebody who's coming out of asimilar situation?
Speaker 2 (24:26):
I don't remember who mentioned this.
As a psychologist, I waslistening to someone recommended
to not date after anarcissistic, abusive
relationship for a year.
That's a long time.
I didn't hear this until it wasalmost a year and so I was like
, oh dang it, I was doing itwrong.
I think everyone's a little bitdifferent.
So, like I said, dive intothings that you love and talk to
(24:48):
people.
Like talking to people hashelped me so much to find that
peace.
Yes, talking to people, talkingto friends, doing things with
friends, talking to people onthe internet that have similar
situations, boundaries, so I'mstill working on everything,
girl, we all are.
I already had anothersituationship that I just
recently.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
That is so common.
Yeah, like the number one thing, I think after you get out of a
relationship, friendship,whatever it may be with a
narcissist is to end up back inone, because you know what it's
like and you're, it'scomfortable and it's just like
the patterns already set so youwere in another one.
It's hard to get out of thepatterns.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Um, I wouldn't call this person a narcissist, and I
was trying to be so intentional,like really, really thought I
had the conversations and wewere on the same page, but like
a few months in I was like weare not on the same page and it
was another situation of Iwanted something real.
They were too busy with theircareer and their work and so it
just because I was already in it, I was like it was
(25:51):
uncomfortable to leave again andso I I don't I mean, I'm not
perfect, so I'm still not whereI want to be, which is why I'm
taking a dating detox at therecommendation of my therapist.
But I think I have a what's theword?
(26:15):
A?
Weaker willpower than some ofmy friends and counterparts.
It is what it is, but you'reaware of it Exactly.
I think you know.
Writing things out, talking topeople, learning, like educating
yourself on all of this, allthe things you've been through,
the people that you've dealtwith, is the best way to
recognize it.
Going forward, I hope that Iwill never be in another
(26:37):
emotionally abusive relationship, but I mean, you never know
until you're in it and then youhave to find your way out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Yeah, it's not like they walk around with a sign on
their head that says I'm anemotionally abusive person and
like I should avoid them.
Yes, we start to realizequicker that maybe this next
friendship relationship,whatever it may be, is not going
to serve us, because we'velearned some of these lessons
along the way, but like it's notalways so clear, it's not so
evident, it doesn't you know,they don't walk around with
(27:06):
those.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
I think that's a good point is you might still find
them, but recognizing it sooneris what's going to keep you safe
and healthy and find whatyou're actually looking for.
A lot of the comments that Igot on the things that I posted
on TikTok was like oh, I wouldnever I was an, I would never
girly Same.
Like I hope that they mean thatbecause I want them to stay
(27:28):
safe and mentally healthy, butlike you never know until you're
already there and it's like, ohshit, like I guess it happened
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
Here we are, well, and it's like, well, maybe the
exact thing that happened to youwould never happen to them.
But like, change the elementsand now look where we are.
You just like you never knowuntil you've you've walked a
mile in that situation and youknow hindsight's kind of a bitch
when you go back to dating,cause, I mean, I assume you seem
(28:00):
like a lovely, lovely youngwoman what is?
Your plan to approach dating,and like what qualities are you
going to make sure to avoid?
Like what are the lessons we'velearned?
Speaker 2 (28:13):
well, now I can see the patterns, like you said more
clearly early on, and so my,like I said, I already tried to
go in really intentionally.
So it's weird to say like, okay, now I'm actually going to go
in intentionally.
But it looked like having theconversation like, hey, what are
you looking for?
And I think his answer wasambiguous enough that I thought
(28:38):
the door was open, instead oflike a clear okay, yes, I'm
looking for someone that I willdate for marriage.
I guess that's the answer thatI'll be looking for.
I'm 31.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
So it's not like I'm young in my twenties anymore,
like, yeah, whatever, I'll justgo with the flow.
People get married here at 55.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Like you got time People get divorced a lot too,
and then we're going to be a lotmore intentional and listen to
the answers carefully so thatthey're exactly a match, because
I found a lot of people thatare not my match.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Yeah, I had this amazing girl on the podcast.
She's the host of Seeing OtherPeople, a dating podcast, and
she talked about how, on dates,like they'd be you know they'd
be like, after you know theydidn't want to see her again.
They'd be like, oh, like youknow, it'd be so great if we
just be friends, you know.
And she's like, honestly, likeI'm not looking for friends, I'm
(29:34):
looking for marriage.
Like you're, you're, you havemore than enough friends, you
have enough people.
You don't need to keep thesepeople in your back pocket
hoping that they're going tochange their abusive or interest
in you ways.
It's okay to just say I'm notlooking for friends here.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
I don't know why everyone's looking for friends
on dating apps.
Speaker 1 (29:54):
I'm busy with friends .
I think it's strange.
I should probably be cuttingfriends.
I understand.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
I moved to LA and I was by myself and I did make
some friends on dating apps, butit was naturally I wasn't like
okay, I don't actually like you,so let's just be friends.
I don't know, I think there's alot of friend lookers.
Yeah, Friend lookers.
We love that.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
How do you feel that you are on your healing journey
with this?
What is the status, what aremaybe some things that really
have just come to you in thepast couple months that having
this dating detox that havereally been like, oh, I'm
healing.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
I think I've just kept really active and busy, so
maybe it's hard to recognizebecause I've been filling my
time with a lot of things.
I guess I won't know until I'mdating again, because that's
when everything comes out Again.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
I love that open perspective Like you're just
like, yeah, you know, I'm notgoing to know, I don't have to
like say it's healed or it'sdone.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
I don't know if it'll ever be healed.
I feel like we're always like.
Even secure attachments will goback and forth between whatever
anxious or avoidant side theylean towards.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
That being said, I'm not going to not ask this
question, even though we justsaid that healing is kind of
like an ever-evolving thing andit may never fully go away.
But what would you say tosomeone maybe somebody who's
slid into your comments onTikTok, who's in a similar
situation?
What would you say to them?
Speaker 2 (31:13):
Well, firstly, it takes time.
Talk to people.
I actually did have somebody inmy messages recently that was
like help, I'm looking forsupport, and that's exactly what
I told her A lot of times.
I will recommend, if it'swithin your means, changing your
whole environment.
A lot of what drove me toCalifornia at the time was a boy
(31:35):
back home, because it was apandemic, everything was dead
and that's all I could thinkabout, because every time I left
my town there was only one wayin, one way out I was thinking
of he would always go to thatbeach that I was driving by, and
so it was always on my mind andit was like way too much.
I couldn't think of anythingelse.
I couldn't do anything else, soI just crossed country and I'm
not saying that's my wholereasoning, like I'm still here
(31:57):
four years later, you just gotto blow up your life.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
No, literally, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Because that's what helps everything.
It moves things around.
You need change in order to getover something, because it's
always going to keep showing up.
It's going to be front of yourmind if you're doing the same
things, you're driving the sameway past their house, or
something like that.
So I think changing yourenvironment is really helpful.
Talking to people, finding aform of therapy whether that's
just podcasts, listening toother people talk about it or
(32:22):
getting an actual therapist yeah, Taylor, you are so open, so
vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Thank you so much for sharing with the audience this
experience.
I know that it's something,again, a lot of us have gone
through or touched on therelationship.
Do you have any final thoughtsto leave our listeners with?
Speaker 2 (32:43):
I just hope nobody's actually going through this, but
I know that that's probably notthe case because I've seen how
many people are.
So I hope that whoever'slistening that is going through
this, that you talk to peopleyou need to talk to and you
change the things you need tochange, and there's no pressure
to change it right now.
That's one of the things that Ithink I needed is why maybe it
(33:06):
took so long, but it was theright time for me.
So if now is not the time thatyou're able to change, that's
okay.
It'll just come with time.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
I always like to think like you always have the
ability to change thingstomorrow or find something else
out in life, but you can't gobackwards, like you can't undo
time.
So like, don't beat yourself upfor the time backwards, just
like make the changes as timecomes in the new day.
Well, taylor, you are so lovely.
You need to tell everybodywhere they can find you and
(33:35):
follow you and all the goodthings.
Speaker 2 (33:37):
Okay, the TikTok that I have where I talked about all
of this was cancermercury27.
Because I'm an astrology girl.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Okay, I was like where did that?
Speaker 2 (33:47):
come from, so I do have a cancermercury placement,
which basically just means I crya lot in confrontation.
We love that.
I also cry always, girly, andmy Instagram is just tayeden.
And where can we also find your?
Speaker 1 (34:01):
fitness stuff just for fun On my Instagram.
Love it, oh my gosh.
Thank you so much, guys, andwe'll see you next Tuesday.
Thank you so much for listeningto Confessions of a Wannabe it
Girl.
Don't forget to rate andsubscribe to the show.
As always, we'll see you nextTuesday.
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