Emotional Regulation: The Missing Piece in Your Recovery Journey

Feeling Drained Even in Sobriety? Here's Why (And What to Do About It)

You got sober. You did the hard work. So why do you still feel completely emotionally exhausted?

In this powerful episode of Confident Sober Women, host Shelby John dives deep into the silent struggle many sober women face—emotional dysregulation and nervous system burnout. If you're walking through life in a fog of overwhelm or feeling like you’re doing everything “right” but still running on empty, this one’s for you.

Sobriety gets you out of the chaos, but it doesn’t automatically heal trauma or reset your nervous system. That’s the work of emotional sobriety—and it’s what this episode is all about.

💡 Here’s what you’ll learn today:

✅ Why emotional exhaustion in sobriety is not a sign of failure
✅ The difference between sobriety and emotional sobriety
✅ How to regulate your nervous system before trying to “solve” anything
✅ A 3-step roadmap to rebuild your emotional energy from the inside out
✅ Practical tools to ground your body and process emotions without judgment

Shelby also shares the proven healing tools she uses in her practice like EMDR therapy, EMDR intensives, and remote neurofeedback—and how they can support deeper emotional healing, even years into sobriety.

🛠️ Three Steps to Begin Rebuilding Today

1. Regulate First, Reflect Later – Calm your nervous system before diving into “why.” Use grounding tools like deep nasal breathing, 5-4-3-2-1, or a quick barefoot walk.
2. Name the Emotion Without Judgment – Practice saying, “Right now, I’m noticing…” to acknowledge and release your feelings safely.
3. Rebuild from the Root – Go deeper than symptoms. Address unresolved trauma and dysregulation with effective tools like EMDR or neurofeedback.

If you're ready to stop white-knuckling your emotions and start truly healing, this episode offers compassionate insight and doable steps to start feeling better now.

🎧 Don’t forget to hit subscribe and share this episode with a sober sister or any woman you know who’s navigating emotional overwhelm—even if she’s not in recovery.

📍 Want deeper support?
👉 Learn about EMDR Intensives
👉 Explore Remote Neurofeedback Programs

✨ Emotional exhaustion doesn't mean you're not strong. It means your body is asking for deeper care—and you absolutely deserve that.

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Oh, and by the way, if you didn’t know, my remote Neurofeedback Therapy program is up and running. Learn more here!

If you aren't part of the Confident Sober Women Facebook group, it's a great place to be. There are over a thousand other sober women there building lives they don't want to escape from. Come on over and join us.

And if you haven't read my memoir, grab a copy today and maybe a second one for a friend. There is so much hope in recovery, and I shared my story so raw and vulnerable so that others would know they aren't alone and that there is a way to live well, manage relationships, parent your kids, and have a healthy body, all while staying sober. Grab a copy of Recovering in Recovery: The Life-Changing Joy of Sobriety wherever books are sold.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hello and welcome to the Confident Sober Women
podcast.
I'm your guide, shelby John.
I'm the mother of three, wifeto one and sober since July 1st
2002.
As sober women, we havesomething huge in common, and
when we share our lives and ourstories with each other, we feel
that sense of belonging andconnection.

(00:30):
So we know we are no longeralone.
In this podcast, you will hearreal life talk about building
confidence and transforming yourlife beyond recovery.
So come on, let's talk.
Well, hey there, sober ladies.
Thank you so much for joiningme today for the Confident Sober

(00:51):
Women podcast.
I am so glad that you're hereToday.
I want to talk to you aboutsomething that I know so many of
you are feeling, but maybe youjust haven't found the words for
it yet Emotional exhaustion.
Yes, this can even happen insobriety.
So if you are anything like me,you have experienced this

(01:15):
probably on more than oneoccasion.
I know that you got sober, youworked hard, maybe even kind of
a long time ago, and it wasprobably, if you're anything
like me, the hardest thing thatyou've ever done.
And yet you still feelcompletely drained.
There's a lot of overwhelm, ormaybe even like you're walking

(01:36):
around in a fog of emotionalheaviness.
So if that's you, I want you toknow right now you're not doing
anything wrong and you're notbroken and you're not failing at
recovery.
What you're experiencing issomething I see in so many women
that I work with and that I'veexperienced myself on more than
one occasion along the way, andits name is emotional

(02:00):
dysregulation.
So sobriety gets you out of thechaos, right, but it doesn't
automatically reset your nervoussystem, or it certainly doesn't
heal the trauma that got youstuck there.
And that's the work ofemotional sobriety.
You've heard us talk about thatterm many times if you've been
around here for a while, andit's about moving beyond just

(02:23):
abstaining from substances toactually rebuilding inner peace,
self-trust and clarity, andthat's why I always say sobriety
is only the beginning.
That's right, sobriety is onlythe beginning.
So today I want to talk to youabout three simple but super
powerful steps that you can takeright now to begin rebuilding

(02:45):
emotional energy and regulation.
So grab a pen or, if you'redriving, make sure you download
this episode or save it forlater, so that you can really
pause and take these in.
So step number one is regulatefirst, reflect later.
So when you start to feel thatoverwhelm or shutdown or you

(03:08):
become kind of emotionallyreactive.
Your nervous system is likelyin a stress response, and one of
the best things that you can dois to pause and ask yourself
really good questions.
Ask yourself what is going onwith me right now?
Or, said a different way, whatdoes my body need right now?

(03:29):
What is going on with me?
Or things like what does mybody need right now?
And then I want you to try oneof these things.
You can place your hand on yourchest and start breathing slowly
.
You want to use your nose forthese breaths because there's a
smaller space for the breath tocome in.

(03:49):
That means the breath will beslower and you can exhale very
slowly.
You can do very simplegrounding exercises like the 5,
4, 3, 2, 1 exercise.
You can also go outside for afive-minute walk, and if you can
do it in bare feet, it's evenbetter.

(04:10):
So once you ask yourself thosequestions, begin to think about
what you can do right now, soyou can place your hand on your
chest, breathe in slowly throughyour nose and slowly exhale.
You can do other groundingexercises.
You can also try to do a quickwalk barefoot if you can.
The point of this is to sootheyour body first Before you try

(04:32):
to solve anything.
So often we get into the whyswhy am I feeling like this?
Why is this happening right now?
Or I did all the things I wassupposed to do I drank my water,
I ate my food, I've had a nap.
You know we get stuck in thatwe want to solve it or
understand why this is happening.
Instead, I want you to reallystart to soothe your body first

(04:53):
and then you can reflect or heal.
Beyond that, we can't do thatwhen we're in survival mode.
Step number two is to name theemotion, but without any
judgment.
So emotional sobriety meansgetting comfortable with naming
what you feel, so basicallyusing feeling words.
So, even if it's messy orcomplicated or unexpected, what

(05:18):
are the feelings that you areexperiencing right now?
Could be things like guilt,shame, sadness, grief, anger,
confusion, happiness, joy,elation.
All of them belong.
So try using this kind ofscript, if you will.
You can even jot this down inyour notes app so you can refer

(05:39):
to it in the moment, so you cansay this to yourself Right now,
I'm noticing anger.
That makes sense, because Ijust had a difficult
conversation with a coworker andI'm feeling safe in this.
Another example might be rightnow I'm noticing that I'm

(05:59):
anxious.
That makes sense, because mydaughter is traveling out of the
country and I'm safe to feel it.
Naming these emotions helpsyour brain process and release
the emotion, instead of stuffingit down and or like acting out
on it.
And number three is rebuildfrom the root.

(06:19):
So we're always trying to getto the roots, not just on the
surface, and this is where thedeeper healing comes in.
So for many women, emotionalexhaustion and sobriety comes
from unresolved trauma andnervous system dysregulation.
We've talked a lot about thishere.
You can check out some previousepisodes where I really dive
deep, but today I want toexactly focus on the things that

(06:42):
I do.
So EMDR therapy, emdrintensives and remote
neurofeedback those are thespecific tools I use in my
practice.
So EMDR therapy?
It stands for eye movement,desensitization and reprocessing
.
It helps you to reprocess stucktrauma and memories that may

(07:03):
still be driving emotionalresponses today, even though
they're from way back or eventhough you don't even remember
them.
They maybe created somenegative beliefs about yourself
from your early childhood andnow they're stuck.
Remote neurofeedback helps totrain your brain, using operant

(07:24):
conditioning, to regulate itselfmore effectively over time,
even while you're asleep.
So even if you've been soberfor a while but you still feel
like you're stuck emotionallybecause we all have this and
ages and stages bring ondifferent parts of this these
options might be your next step,and you can layer them on with

(07:45):
all kinds of other things.
So I just want to leave you withthis final thought Emotional
exhaustion doesn't mean thatyou're not strong.
It means that your system, yournervous system, your body, is
asking for a deeper level ofsupport, and I want you to know
that that support exists andthat you deserve it.

(08:07):
So if this episode resonateswith you, I want you to take one
of these steps that I sharedtoday, and if you're ready for a
deeper healing, check out thelinks in the show notes below,
or you can just go directly tomy website, shelbyjohncom.
You can learn more about EMDRintensives and you can also
learn more about the remoteneurofeedback program.
If this makes sense to you aswell and you feel like somebody

(08:30):
else in your life, even ifthey're not in sobriety, might
resonate or could really usethis kind of support, please
make sure you share the episodewith them.
Until next time, make sure youtake care of your energy and
remember you're doing betterthan you think.
Thank you for joining me forthis week's episode of Confident

(08:51):
Sober Women.
If you enjoyed thisconversation, hit the subscribe
button above so you won't missany upcoming episodes.
And hey, if you really loved it, leave me a review.
You can learn more about theSober Freedom Inner Circle
membership atwwwshelbyjohncoachingcom.
Forward slash inner circle.
See you next time.