February 18, 2025 • 45 mins
What happens when the path to self-discovery is paved with the challenges of addiction? Join us for a compelling conversation with Jen Hirst, the inspiring founder of the Lighthouse Society.
Jen candidly shares her journey from battling alcohol addiction, initially as a misguided remedy for anxiety and emotional turmoil, to finding her way to sustainable sobriety. Her story not only shines a light on the hidden struggles many face but offers hope and tangible strategies for those ready to embrace change. Through her experiences, Jen highlights the importance of self-reflection and understanding one’s usage history as a crucial step toward recovery.
Discover the power of storytelling and gratitude as we discuss the transformative impact of sharing one’s journey in recovery. Together, Jen and I explore how small, consistent habits, such as drinking more water and practicing gratitude, can lead to profound personal growth.
Drawing inspiration from Rachel Hollis, we emphasize the importance of specificity and reflecting on recent experiences to cultivate a positive outlook. Through personal anecdotes, we highlight the entwined challenges and triumphs of maintaining a positive mindset in sobriety, reinforcing that while recovery is simple, it is by no means easy.
In our conversation, we also navigate the complex landscape of establishing boundaries for emotional sobriety and achieving physical wellness. Jen introduces us to Mel Robbins' "Let Them" theory, advocating for inner peace by releasing control over others while clarifying the active need for setting boundaries.
We venture into the intersection of sobriety, nutrition, and wellness, offering practical strategies to overcome common hurdles like sugar cravings. By integrating gratitude and community support, we provide a holistic approach to wellness that nurtures both physical and emotional well-being, empowering individuals on their path to sustainable sobriety.
You can find Jen on her website www.joinlighthousesobriety.com or
Instagram: @jenleehirst
Oh and by the way if you are ready to learn more about how remote Neurofeedback therapy can help you with ADHD, sleep problems, anxiety or performance issue, grab my free download Is Neurofeedback Therapy Right For you? And let me know what you think.
Support the show
Oh, and by the way, if you didn’t know, my remote Neurofeedback Therapy program is up and running. Learn more here!
If you aren't part of the Confident Sober Women Facebook group, it's a great place to be. There are over a thousand other sober women there building lives they don't want to escape from. Come on over and join us.
And if you haven't read my memoir, grab a copy today and maybe a second one for a friend. There is so much hope in recovery, and I shared my story so raw and vulnerable so that others would know they aren't alone and that there is a way to live well, manage relationships, parent your kids, and have a healthy body, all while staying sober. Grab a copy of Recovering in Recovery: The Life-Changing Joy of Sobriety wherever books are sold.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shelby (00:00):
Hey there, sober ladies, thank you so much for joining
me today and I have aconversation that you're going
to love.
My friend, jen Hurst, is withus today and she is the founder
of Lighthouse Society.
She tells her story in such agreat way and how she helps
women through coaching and usingsix simple steps to make
society sobriety sustainablefrom day one.
(00:23):
So she is just a breath offresh air.
Truly, she gets down and dirtyabout things like boundaries and
gratitude.
We really just share back andforth about habits and the
importance that we have oflayering on tools to help
sustain not only our sobrietybut also just our well-being and
(00:44):
our health and physical healthand our mental health and just
we go through a couple of thosethings.
I think you're really going toenjoy it and leave with some
real practical tools that youcan implement literally today
and help make a big differencein your life.
So grab your big glass of wateror your favorite mocktail and
enjoy this conversation with Jen.
First, hello and welcome to theConfident Sober Women podcast.
(01:20):
I'm your guide, shelby John.
I'm the mother of three, wifeto one and sober since July 1st
2002.
As sober women, we havesomething huge in common and
when we share our lives and ourstories with each other, we feel
that sense of belonging andconnection, so we know we are no
longer alone.
In this podcast, you will hearreal life talk about building
(01:41):
confidence and transforming yourlife beyond recovery.
So come on, let's talk.
Hey, it's me Shelby.
Have you ever wondered what'sreally happening in your brain
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(02:02):
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(03:09):
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change.
Well, hey there, jen.
Thank you so much for joiningme today for the Confidence Over
Women podcast.
I'm so excited to have you andto share you and your story with
our guests, so I'm going toturn the mic over to you.
(03:31):
Let you share a little bit moreabout your story, and then
we're going to chat?
Jenn (03:35):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you so much for having meon.
As she mentioned, I am JenHurst and I am a sober coach,
mother of two.
I live in northern Minnesotaand I've been sober for 11 and a
half years and I coach women onnot only how to boost your
confidence in sobriety, but alsoimplementing habits from the
get-go to have you feeling yourbest throughout this process.
(03:57):
And so my story goes into.
You know, I really like to sayno one is off limits.
I didn't look like your typicalif we use the term alcoholic or
someone who has a problem.
I don't really have pictures ofme passed out or in bed.
I did my drinking alone and,from the looks of it, if you go
(04:17):
to my Instagram page, I was.
It looks like I have it alltogether.
It wouldn't look like I have aproblem.
I was really good at hiding itand if we go on a spectrum, I
was one of the more severe caseswhere I didn't know if I had
days left to live.
It was how far I took it andhow much I wanted to make
(04:38):
something work.
That just wasn't supposed to,and my background is I was
raised in a great family, as I'msure many of you are.
My parents rarely drank, I gotgood grades, and so I didn't fit
the typical mold of someone whowould be struggling with
alcohol.
But I think, especially for me,I used it to manage my anxiety.
(04:59):
It went from pain, fromheartbreak, and I only learned
that by doing a usage history.
If no one's ever done that, itwas really eye-opening.
I encourage everybody to dothat.
Or I kind of pinpointed where mydrinking went from fun quote
unquote fun to using it tomanage an emotion or using it to
escape, and that started whenmy second boyfriend wanted to go
(05:21):
on a break, and so thatimplemented the seed that I
could take away any hard feelingby drinking.
I never had to feel fear, Inever had to feel sadness, I
never had to feel, you know,just anxious in social
situations, and so it wasn'tlike I was addicted right off
(05:43):
the gate, and so it wasn't likeI was addicted right off the
gate.
Going through my history, itwas about 10 years of where I
first started to escape andabuse it to when I actually got
sober.
And so this is why alcohol isso tricky.
It's because often you wake upand you don't even realize
what's happened and how you gothere, until you kind of back it
up and kind of go through yourstory and figure it all out and
(06:05):
how you used it to managefeelings, how that increased my
anxiety, and then I would drinkbecause I was anxious.
And I was anxious because Idrank and so I kept pushing and
pushing.
It got worse and worse and I gotmany consequences.
I've had two DWIs.
Yeah, I was laid off from myjob.
I got my car taken away.
I was drinking other forms ofalcohol, like mouthwash, rubbing
(06:29):
alcohol to reduce the shamethat I felt from walking into a
liquor store.
I was trying everything that Icould to hide it.
And it was really in the yearleading up to my wedding where
kind of everything came about.
I was working full time, doingfreelance-time, and I was
crippling with anxiety, and soit was really in the day after
my wedding I kind of collapsedand began the year and a half
(06:52):
journey of actively seekingsobriety.
And I'm super stubborn.
If you tell me something that Ican't do, I'm going to prove to
you that I can do it.
And I couldn't do this and Ididn't know why.
I would have certain milestones, like 30 days, and I couldn't
do this and I didn't know why Iwould have certain milestones
like 30 days and you know, Idon't even think I reached 60
days in that year and a halfjourney, but it was trying
things out and seeing whatworked.
(07:13):
I have been to three inpatients, I've been to eight outpatients
, I've gotten a therapist, I'vegotten a psychiatrist, I've been
to jail, I've been to housearrest, I've been to all of
these things, but I kept havingto push it until I was finally
done.
I didn't have a car, I didn'thave a home, my marriage was on
the verge of divorce, I had nomoney and I didn't know if I was
(07:34):
going to wake up the next day.
And so it was in detox, where Iwas going for the second time
that I kind of had an out ofbody experience.
And maybe your listeners havethis click moment which I always
refer to.
We kind of wake up andeverything becomes clear and I
didn't want to drink anymore andI just stopped fighting it.
(07:56):
And I can't say that everythingwas perfect.
I had so much stuff to clean up, I had court the next day, I
didn't have any money, I washomeless, I was all of this.
But I just told myself as longas you don't drink.
You can't make this any worse.
And I didn't know what my lifewas going to be like.
I didn't know how I was goingto clean up the mess that I
(08:17):
created, but I just keptfocusing on the next right thing
.
And it's amazing that, evenwith all this stuff that I had
to do get a parole officer, allof it, get my license back, all
of this stuff, get a job, likeeverything it was so much easier
when I accepted it and I wasready to do this, and I didn't
have to hide anything.
(08:38):
I didn't have to manage thelies that I was keeping and it
was so.
It was like this huge weight.
And I can also say that no onebelieved me when I got sober.
How was it?
How were they supposed to knowthat this time was going to be
different?
So it took them and my husbandactually did a podcast a couple
months ago that it took himalmost a couple of years to
(08:59):
actually trust me again.
So I didn't try to persuadethem, I just showed up and I
walked the talk.
Didn't try to persuade them, Ijust showed up and I walked the
talk.
I went to my meetings, I got mysponsor, I did my outpatient, I
did this, I did that, I didthis, and it's amazing what can
happen when you're sober thatall I was doing was not
consuming this one thing, and inturn, I got so much back.
(09:23):
I was able to rebuild my life.
Within four months.
We found out we were pregnantwith my first son, which is what
I've always dreamt about, andwe couldn't have kids because I
couldn't even take care ofmyself, and so my drinking was
preventing us from even doingthat, and the fact that my body
could recover enough to producea life just blew me away, and so
(09:48):
, from that moment forward, Iwanted to treat it with respect.
It was in my son, who was bornright before my one year
soberversary, because he was apreemie.
He was the greatest gift tocome from my sobriety of
something to look forward to.
I'm not saying everybody go outand get pregnant, but it was
just one of the miracles thatcan happen when you start
(10:09):
treating your body with somerespect, and within four months,
I got a job back in my field.
Within six months, I waspromoted.
Within a year, less than a year, my son was born.
Within a year and a half, wegot our first house and all of
these good things starthappening.
And I'm not saying life wasperfect, but I was living it.
(10:31):
I was actually living it and Iwas able to notice all the good
things that were happening.
And so, from that momentforward, I'd been in graphic
design and I never shared aboutmy sobriety.
And it was when I became abeach body coach If anybody is
familiar with that, which issomething completely out of the
(10:52):
ordinary One of those things isto share your story, which I did
not do.
I did not share anything.
I actually didn't even thinkanybody cared about my sobriety.
I was really living a dry,drunk lifestyle.
I didn't share about it.
I didn't think anybody cared.
I felt like I had no friends,and this was for about four
years.
I lived in the sober closet,and part of that is sharing your
(11:15):
story if you become a coach.
So, within a couple of weeks ofme starting that feeling
uncomfortable, putting myselfout there, I thought it was time
to come out of the sober closet, and so I have two recovery
dates I have April 24th of 2013,which is my sober date, and I
have September 7th of 2017,which was the day I came out of
(11:36):
the closet, which also changedmy life, because from that
moment forward, it led me overthe course of a few years, to
realize I don't think I'msupposed to help women lose
weight.
I think I'm supposed to helpthem get sober.
Something that I'm doing isworking from workouts to reading
to water, like all of thatstuff.
(11:57):
What I'm doing is working andwomen want to know about it
because they're struggling.
So I started getting in my DMsand, slowly but surely, stars
started to align and it becameclear like this is what I was
meant for, and so I began.
I started coaching privateclients, while still having a
full-time job with two kidsunder three trying to make it
(12:20):
work.
I then wanted to go into groupcoaching because that's like the
magic of sobriety is communityis we all help and support each
other.
You have to have a sobercommunity.
That is, hands down,non-negotiable.
You got to be with other womenwho are also doing the same
thing as you, who can lift youup in a society that pushes
(12:41):
alcohol, and we all do thisthing together, we all get sober
together, we all support eachother and we all focus on taking
care of ourselves in thisprocess.
And so those groups took offand then in turn, grew by
membership and it's just kind ofdominoed from there, and that's
kind of how I got to where I amtoday.
(13:02):
In a nutshell, a little bit.
Shelby (13:04):
Jen, thank you so much for sharing all of that in such
a vulnerable way.
And you're so right what yousaid, that you know where the
magic really happens is when webegin to come out of the closet.
As you said, now, noteverybody's designed for openly
sharing publicly about all ofthe things, and that's not
necessary, but if you can find aspace whether it's recovery
(13:27):
meetings or in, like you know,groups that you feel comfortable
with, or even with just atrusted friend or family member,
sharing those parts of yourselfis really, really an important
process.
And also, again, like you don'thave to write the book or start
a blog about all yourtransgressions or whatever, but,
um, find some way to be aresource and to share the magic
(13:50):
and the hope that comes inrecovery, because that is truly
how it works.
Right, that's what we learnedthat when other people hear you
know about you or me or whoever,and they're like, oh my gosh,
how did you do that?
Like, how did you stop?
Like I knew you, you know likeyou were like falling out or
whatever, and like, how did youstop?
You know, so that's how themessage of hope gets spread and
(14:13):
like we let other women know,like actually it is possible to
change your life and it's not asit's actually hard, I mean it's
not, it's very simple.
You know, this is very, verysimple stuff, Not always easy,
but it is simple.
So thank you so much forsharing, because that's what
it's all about and I appreciatethat.
I love how you really talkedabout the transformation.
(14:34):
Really that came from not justnot drinking, you know.
I mean, obviously, ifsubstances are a part of your
problem, then not drinking andusing is going to be the first
step and probably the mostcritical part.
But the transformation comeswhen we start to combine and
like layer on all of these otherthings that build an of like a
(14:58):
complete package in tiny littlesteps, Like so tiny little
increments we add in, we layeron these tools that lead to the
big transformation.
Right, so from 2000, I think yousaid 13, maybe all the way
until now, I mean, you startedputting in these little things,
little tiny things, over timeand we think that's stupid.
(15:20):
Like what does drinking waterhave to do with anything?
This is ridiculous.
But like, and you add thatevery single day and you never
deviate.
And then all of a sudden, now,like a year later, you know you
have clear skin and you havehealthy nails, and your hair is
growing and your and yourdigestive tract is working
properly all because youfollowed that one tiny little
thing, and probably a bunch ofother stuff too.
So that's how it works.
Jenn (15:41):
You know, we do those same tiny things every single day
right, yeah, and you justcontinue to work at it and
things that may sound just likegratitude.
That's one of my habits and,yeah, water.
But once you learn the sciencebehind it and how important it
is, especially for sobriety take, for instance, gratitude, where
(16:02):
, especially me going into it,I'm like, come on, this is such
a waste of time.
But then, especially insobriety, I was very negative in
the first four to five years ofhaving this negative mindset,
glass half empty sort of mood,and I think if we can sit in
there, we can think thatsobriety is not worth it, that
(16:22):
it's boring, that there's nogood can come from it, no one's
ever going to like me, I have nofriends.
It's not fun, but gratitudereally rewires your brain and it
really and it's hard.
I mean for me it was reallyhard, maybe for others it's
really easy.
For me I had to actually Googlewhat do you be grateful for?
I have no idea and I'm likeit's easy to say your health,
(16:54):
your family, food.
But I noticed a big differenceis when I got specific of and
Rachel Hollis came out.
If you don't know her, she hasa podcast, she has books.
I was into her when she cameout, went to her conference
changed my life and she has thisStart Today journal where she
listed five things she'sgrateful for from the past 24
hours.
And when I started doing that,when I really got specific and I
had to do that every single day, that is where everything
(17:14):
started changing.
And not overnight, it's reallyover time.
Making it a small habit everysingle morning, or whether it's
at night, you end, cap your dayor you start your day with it.
I always recommend startingyour day with it and you look
back and you're like what wentwell and it could be the
smallest little things, andknowing that you have to do that
(17:35):
every single day, what goodcame from yesterday, what went
well, instead of always thinkingwhat went wrong, this and this.
They said this.
It's like man, I was reallyexcited that Walmart had one bag
of skinny pop left, because ifthat didn't happen, I would be a
pissed, I'd be upset.
I mean again, I'm not going todie, but I guess.
(17:56):
But noticing those littlethings, those little signs that
we miss when we're drinking.
Then, knowing you have to do it, you're going to be on the
lookout to find those thingsevery single day and be like I
need to make a mental note toremember that for tomorrow.
Oh my God, it's 20 degrees inMinnesota.
That's so nice.
The sun is out, or my dog isfeeling better, or a fresh cup
(18:20):
of coffee from Starbucks, youknow.
Just those things can justagain rewire our brain to feel
happier and more solidified inthis decision that we've made.
That was just one I couldn't doa few more.
Shelby (18:36):
And that is actually a practice that I have been, I
think, involved in since thebeginning probably, but have
gotten so much better at overtime, right, so over the
particularly the last 10 years.
But you're right, like I alsocan relate to being just.
I mean, I was never necessarilya negative person, but maybe I
was.
Maybe other people would saythat, but I think I just I was
(18:59):
very so self-centered.
You know, that is the root ofour problem, and that
self-centeredness always cameout with like, like, like, oh my
God, like I have too much to do, like how am I going to get
this done?
Like I have to do this and thisand this and this.
And I was, like alwaysoverwhelmed because I was just
constantly listing out all ofthis stuff in like a negative
connotation, right, as if it waslike they were bad things,
(19:21):
things.
But really, um, well, what?
Two things happened.
One, I I got sober today.
So, like, um, I was heavilyinvolved for a long time and I
had a really good my secondsponsor.
I chose her because she was asuper, really tough woman like I
needed, uh, at that stage, andI remember I needed a very
strong, tough woman becausethat's just where I was and so I
(19:41):
remember calling her and I waslike in the, I was at the, I I
have three kids in four years,right.
So like you had six months sober, I got pregnant with my first
kid.
Then I had three kids in fouryears, so I was raising these
babies and it was always just alot and sitting in the parking
lot of the gym where we, by theway, also went to preschool and
we were on the swim team andlike we spent two hours a day
there, right.
So privileged, amazing,wonderful thing.
And I'm like crying the bluesbecause I didn't know how I was
(20:03):
going to get all of this stuffdone.
And like I, you know, I'mtelling her, I'm listening out,
and she said stop doing that,stop listing out all of those
things like that, because nowyou've probably told me, you
probably told your mom youprobably called your husband,
you told your friend at the gym,like you've said, that all like
six or seven times.
Well, no wonder you feeloverwhelmed no wonder your brain
(20:25):
is flooding with cortisol.
You have to stop that and startjust saying what do I need to
do next?
what is the next thing take yourgroceries home and unload them
and then go pick up your kid,like, okay, and so when I, when
it is so simple, right, likethis is a simple concept, and I
was actually pissed off at herbecause I'm like, no, you don't
get it, but she did get it, shedid get it, same things and I
(20:49):
learned, like she's not, she'sso right, and I needed to just
stop the self-centered wheelright and slow down, because all
of those things are luxuryproblems.
Right, these are all luxuryproblems that I'm dealing with,
instead of saying I get to gohome and put my groceries away
in a warm house that has airconditioning and heat and a
refrigerator and four bedrooms,and then I get to go pick up my
(21:12):
kids at a preschool that I getto send them to because we have
money for that.
You know?
You see what I'm saying.
Like yeah, like when you change,when you start to change your
perspective.
But for me I had to havesomebody really teach me that
you know.
I mean, he did it for me too,cause we talk about inventory
just like you said.
Right, we take inventory and itsays even in the big book that
(21:33):
inventory isn't only supposed tobe in red, you're supposed to
have things in the black.
Where's the good?
Well, you know what?
I showed up on time to worktoday.
You know, and you seem likestupid things, but they're not
stupid when you've been living alifestyle where you couldn't
even get out of bed, where youcouldn't show up for things or
you said lies all the time.
Jenn (21:50):
So or even driving your kids to driving your kids.
The luxury of being able todrive, having a license Right,
oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Now I loved doing thatinventory part was what really
helped me was what, looking atwhat my part was in it, how was
(22:11):
I like dishonest, like whatdidn't I say?
And I was like, oh man, turningthe tables, I'm like, ah,
because we can find so muchresentment at this and this and
this, it's like, well, what wasmy part in this and that's I
felt like was really helpful forme going through that as well,
if anyone has the most importantpart and I feel like, frankly,
(22:32):
just an overarching theme ofpersonal responsibility.
Shelby (22:36):
I believe is a huge part of the missing link in our
society today with all peopleand why we have such a crisis
for many people, especiallyyoung people, because they
aren't being taught those kindsof things for a variety of
reasons, right and so, and evenadults like so.
Then people just constantly wantto point the finger, we want to
point the finger, point thefinger, but there's always,
there's always our part, alwaysin everything, even good or bad.
(22:58):
Right and so you know, likeeven when my kids, who are older
now, like you know, they wouldcome home and say like they're
having this friendship problemor this teacher thing, and
especially it was a friend thingand it was a conflict, and I'd
say, well, what was your part inthat?
What did you say first, whydidn't say I'm like, let's back
it up.
Like, why did she say that toyou?
You know, because and it's notto shame or blame, but it's to
(23:21):
help highlight that we all arehaving a part.
If you get pulled over becauseyou were speeding and you went
past a speed trap, the guy pullsyou over, it's not because he's
being a jerk.
It's because he said you werespeeding which is by the way,
against the law.
So you got caught doingsomething that was against the
law.
That's your fault, it's not.
He's a jerk.
Jenn (23:49):
It's not, he doesn't like white guys and black cars or
whatever Like it's.
Because you were speeding, yeah, and it's hard.
It's hard to.
It's so easy to blame otherpeople for our problems, but
it's so hard to be like I know.
No, it's not fun.
No, it's everybody else'sproblem, it's not mine.
Shelby (24:00):
Absolutely so.
I love it.
So already we've highlightedtwo really important things that
I think are super criticalskills that we need to layer on
when we're starting to build theconfidence and emotional
sobriety, and that is gratitude.
The other part about gratitudeI wanted to just mention is Ann
Voskamp's book 1,000 Gifts, andif you haven't read it it's a
little tiny book.
It's got a bird's nest on thefront with like a blue bird.
(24:21):
She, Ann Voskamp, is abeautiful Persian woman.
She wrote this amazing bookabout she has like all these
kids on like a homestead, youknow, and she just talked about.
Her friend challenged her towrite down 1,000 things she was
grateful for or whatever.
So she started writing stuffdown 1,000.
She wrote a book about it,right?
Jenn (24:39):
Wow.
Shelby (24:39):
And she shares simple stories.
Like you know, she's got allthese kids in there and she's
doing the.
You know she's in the kitchenand they're fighting and blah,
blah, blah, blah behind her andshe's starting to, she's
starting to feel it, right,she's starting to feel like, oh,
here we go, and then she's, andthen what she immediately does
is she stops, she stops herselfand she's washing her dishes and
(25:06):
she and she's looking out herwindow and she's like know,
thank you so much for this forthese kids, thank you so much
for the fact that we have atable they can sit around and
fight at, thank you for thesedishes that I get to wash
because I have this beautifullife.
So, and then, immediately, herwhole body would like start to
shift and slow down and shecould feel that, um,
disengagement of emotion, rightso that is the science I'm not a
scientist, but that is thescience.
I'm not a scientist, but that isa physical response to an
(25:27):
activity that you can literallydo privately.
Nobody even has to know you'redoing it.
That's going to change theentire way that you feel and
then likely, the way you respond.
Jenn (25:38):
So yeah, that's so crazy yeah.
Shelby (25:40):
The second thing we talked about was personal
responsibility, which I think isso huge and a missing, missing
link.
And when, when we get reallygood at this, the sobriety, and
maybe you work with your clientson this like when you start to
really own that, like, whatabout this situation is
bothering me?
You know, like I'm in thisconflict and I'm feeling this
thing and my husband's coming atme and he's coming at me, he is
coming at you, but like, why isthat bothering you?
(26:01):
Like, why, like, why are yougetting?
Well, maybe it's because I feellike my security is being
threatened or I'm I'm notvaluable or I'm being
disrespected.
You know, like, what about itis bothering you?
right because people are allowedto have emotions around us.
They're allowed to be mad,they're allowed to be sad,
they're allowed to be.
You know all the things but,why is that bothering you?
Jenn (26:24):
Yeah, yeah, and definitely some opportunity for some
journal questions, becausewhatever that is happening, if
it's affecting you, the samething could be effect, or he
could say the same thing tosomeone else that has no effect,
and that one.
The key concept that I love,that I've been using recently
with my clients, is just the letthem theory of and I think,
(26:48):
gosh, it's just.
I mean working with a clientlast week of being frustrated
over a partner and he's doingthis and he I'm like, go, you
guys listen to Mel Robbins letthem theory.
Go buy the book, go listen toit.
It's so, so helpful in sobrietyof releasing our need to control
other people, letting them bewho they are, but also let me do
(27:09):
whatever I need to do to centermyself, find gratitude and take
care of myself.
It releases so much anger andfrustration over and offers us
peace.
When we release the need to tryto control other people, then
we invite the opportunity forpeace.
Time and space, like all ofthat stuff, can come when we
(27:33):
just use two simple words.
It's so, so helpful for me andmy clients.
Shelby (27:39):
I'm reading it right now and it's like all I can talk
about that work.
For about 10 years, though, Ireally been doing it like for
myself, and it just gets betterand better and better and better
.
But now reading it, likereading her actual words gosh,
it's just like freaking lifechanging.
So definitely get Mel Robbinsbook, let them listen to our
podcast, whatever you need to doto connect with that theory,
because it is freeing, it is thekey to freedom and peace.
(28:01):
Truly because, truly, because,truly like again, like everybody
around us in our country andour homes or whatever they're
allowed to do and be who theywant to be now, it's not without
consequence.
You know, nothing is.
We all have consequences, goodand bad, for everything that we
do but, you get to, you get tobe whatever you want to be.
That doesn't mean you will haveevery single benefit you know,
(28:21):
or that people won, people won't, won't want to, you know, not
be your friend, um, but youstill get to do it, um, so
people get that confused, Ithink Right.
Jenn (28:30):
Yeah.
Shelby (28:30):
He was like but I, but I'm this thing, you know, I want
, I want, I want to be there,believe this or have this
feeling, and but then everybodyelse is going to just embrace
that and I'm like, no, that'snot, they're not mutually
exclusive.
It's just, you do get to dothat, but there are always
consequences for our choices.
Jenn (28:46):
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely, and I also like to
differentiate.
You know what?
How the let them theory isdifferent than boundaries, how
they're kind of similar, butalso how they're different,
which I don't.
I know she doesn't go into thebook, but when something
disrupts your wellbeing, whensomeone disrupt or disrespects
you, that is the time to notjust let them right we're not
(29:08):
going to let people walk allover us but also that's the
opportunity to set a boundaryand to stick up for yourself of
what you will and will notaccept.
So let them is kind of passiveand the boundaries is very
active, but you can use them inconjunction with each other as
you go about this to again findpeace, but also be assertive
(29:32):
with yourself and communicatewhat you need, which then, in
turn, gets your needs met,teaches other people how to
treat you, but also allows themto have their own journey and be
who they are, while you're alsoshowing yourself and doing the
same for you.
Shelby (29:46):
I totally agree with you and I think that she I mean,
I'm so glad you brought that up.
It's a great topic.
I would love to just say more,a little bit.
I want us to say a little bitmore about that because I think
that it is confusing.
You know, we hear things likelet them, but I do think in the
beginning of the book and I'mjust still in the beginning she
talks about that a little bit.
She doesn't use the wordboundary, but that's why she
brings in the let me piece.
Right, so it's.
(30:07):
And I I was just having thisconversation earlier today and I
said, you know, we do get to,we let them do whatever, like if
somebody, if your spouse, wantsto be mad or this or that, like
there, we can let them do thatand we can carry on with our
lives and do that now.
But then when it crosses, ifsomething crosses over to like
personal criticism or someone'sreally, you know, kind of
personally attacking you orthreatening you or doing other
(30:28):
things, that's when you do needto say like, then that's let me.
Well, let me speak up and sayactually that's not acceptable.
You crossed the line here.
So, yes, we can let them havetheir feelings, but we can also
let ourselves say, actually, Idon't, that doesn't, that's not
going to work for me.
Jenn (30:44):
Yeah.
Shelby (30:44):
Yeah, I think that's so critical Right, and so
boundaries is like another.
That's another step right.
That's another piece of thispuzzle on, like, how we're
building emotional sobriety, andI'd love to hear, like, how are
you working with your clientsto teach them boundaries?
Jenn (30:58):
Yeah, well, honestly, looking at different areas where
you can have boundaries I mean,a lot of the boundaries we have
is with ourself and where youput yourself, what time you
choose to leave.
You know retreating to thebedroom if something's bothering
you, you know it can be withother people, it can be with
your time event, like all ofthese different areas.
But I like to help women workthrough the boundaries by having
(31:23):
like a five-step process of youknow identifying an area in
your life that's causing yousome problems that you want to
change, and then working throughthem of okay, we have this.
Then let's figure out thedialogue.
Here are some differentscenarios of whether you use the
I statement and then how tocommunicate it, like when we're
communicating our boundaries,how to have you know our body
(31:44):
posture not over describing orsimplifying our boundaries and
then making sure we repeat themand that we follow through on
them.
Because with every boundarythat you set, there's going to
be a consequence of if thatboundary is broken, what will be
the consequence that you setthere's going to be a
(32:04):
consequence of if that boundaryis broken, what will be the
consequence.
So, just navigating that,giving them a worksheet to
figure that out like plan it out, because I think that's the
whole key to sobriety is just tohave a plan to what is
bothering me.
Let's write out how can Icommunicate this, what's going
to be the consequence and whatis the action that I'm going to
take.
Because that's exactly whatboundaries are.
It's the action that you take,not someone else.
(32:24):
It's what you are going to do,and then it's up to me to
withhold it.
And so I like to always tellclients because I'm Minnesota,
nice, and to have it be receivedbetter is to do like a
compliment boundary sandwich,where you say something nice to
the person to kind of introducethe boundary, then you state
what the boundary is and thenyou leave it with something
(32:47):
positive.
So you know, hey, honey, Ireally enjoy spending some time
with you and reconnecting andwatching a movie together on
Friday night.
What I really need is, becauseI'm doing this challenge, I
really need to have the alcoholout of the home.
So I was seeing would you beokay with if we can keep the
alcohol in the garage for rightnow until I feel a little bit
(33:07):
more comfortable?
But I am so excited to you know, and then just leave it with
something positive that makesthem, the receiver, more apt to
be okay and not like it's.
It's up to them.
It's not our responsibilitywith how they receive our
boundary, but it's just a nicerway to kind of communicate it as
(33:30):
people.
Pleasers for them for us to getthe confidence to share it.
Shelby (33:34):
Holidays, too, like and I think a lot of times, women
that I've run across when I talkabout this concept in any of my
work is um, sometimes I feellike they don't even feel like
they they're allowed to do that,like, so like we need to help
them understand that, to givethem permission, like they need
to give themselves permission tocreate these boundaries, so not
(33:57):
only do they not really knowwhat that is, but they're not
even like, oh, like I can'timagine.
It's like saying that to my momor whatever you know, but I'm
like okay, you know, and and wehave to be very cautious we're
not saying you should be a jerk,you know you don't call someone
a name or like a girl.
You know it's very basic, justlike you just said, and and then
also being willing to accept onthe other side that that person
might be upset about that theymight be angry, they might be
(34:20):
sad, they might be disappointed.
There might be a feeling thatcomes up for that other person
because you set a boundary, butit's not you that's causing it,
because that's on them, that'snot your fault, right.
So it's like, and then alsorealizing they're allowed to
have maybe think of the holidays, right.
So a lot of people I wasworking with you just struggle,
like I think it's just a realstruggle for most of us,
(34:41):
especially if you're a parent,like you know, with a lot of
activities, a lot of familystuff and like traveling, if you
have family out of town and so.
So sometimes this is reallyhard to be able to decide like I
don't really want to do thisthis thing anymore, like I don't
want to go out on Christmas day, like it's just you know, and
so you know you struggle, youstruggle, maybe do it a couple
of years and then you build aresentment because now you're,
(35:02):
like I, really pissed off.
But so being able to say likehey, mom, dad, you know I just I
love spending time with youguys, it's so fun.
Like I love our traditions andall I also am really excited
about starting my own with myfamily and my kids, and like I
really want them to be able towake up in their, in their own
home, and so we really decidedthat we're going to create this
new kind of family nutrition forus and spend like a couple
(35:24):
hours and then we'll come over,you know, a little bit later,
maybe like two o'clock orsomething.
So, because we really do wantto spend time with you, yes,
perfect.
Like you've been able to say,like you're valuable, I'm also
valuable and I'm doing this andthen.
But we still really want to doit.
So it's not like you're sayingnow sometimes you might be
(35:47):
saying I'm not going to come butlike if you can figure out a
way to make, you know, makeeverybody get a little bit of
the pie, then that works thebest.
But it's worse when we just letthat stuff continue on when
it's making, when it's hurtingus, you know.
I mean like it's still going tobe hurtful to you if you're
doing something that is reallynot aligned with your values.
Jenn (36:05):
Yeah, and, like you said, when we don't set boundaries,
that builds resentment andresentment is not a good place
to be in sobriety.
And when that stuff festers weget upset, we get angry and then
that can push us to the F itbutton.
So we don't want that.
But, like you said, there canbe a nice way to say it, how we
say it matters.
We don't have to explaineverything.
(36:25):
We keep it simple, we smile, wewrite it down if that helps,
and we communicate it and thenwe follow through.
But again, like you said, weare not responsible for how
someone receives that.
That's where we can apply thelet them theory.
If they are upset by theboundaries that you set, it's
even more reason to set thoseboundaries in the first place.
And so shame and guilt can be anormal symptom after we set a
(36:49):
boundary.
That's normal.
But don't let that negate youfrom sticking up for yourself,
because you matter, your needsmatter, and the more that you
can gather up the confidence.
So, whether that's to go for aworkout, before you do it, say
some affirmations to yourself,take a deep breath and look at
yourself in the mirror.
Just say you know what.
I'm not going to die, I canfreaking do this and then go and
(37:12):
set it and then again let it go, however they receive it.
It's not your responsibility,but all that's required of you
is to set the boundary in thefirst place.
Shelby (37:25):
Yeah, so I know that one of your big areas of interest
and focus is a lot around likenutrition and wellness and
movement and all of those thingsare such important layers as
well, and you know we probablycould spend another two hours
talking additionally about allthat stuff.
But I'm curious about kind ofthe stuff that we've already,
(37:46):
we've already said and then justbringing in that new layer of
like, how do we you use the wordrespect your body, which I love
that you know, because I thinkfirst you know, when we're
active addiction, when we werean active addiction, we're doing
the opposite of that Like right, Like we don't think about it,
because we're not thinking aboutit, but like when you're doing,
when you're drinking and doingdrugs like you're, you're
(38:08):
literally ingesting poison, likeyou're right, and so that's
clearly not a way to respectyour body, but we're certainly
not thinking about that becausewe don't, because it's too much
for us, we don't want to thinkabout what we're doing but, now
as, like sober people and maybethis is the first time you're
ever doing that, maybe you'venever been taught about
nutrition, maybe you really havezero idea, like, how to even
get started, or you weren'traised in a family that you know
(38:30):
that, valued that, and that'sokay.
Everyone has to start somewhere.
And so I'm curious about likekind of the baby steps into some
of that, like whether you'vebeen a house nut for your whole
life or you're kind of just babystepping into it, like how can
we bring these other concepts in, like around gratitude, even,
and around personalresponsibility, for sure, and
then even boundaries, to like atlayering on the sort of
(38:51):
nutrition and movement aspectsof physical health into our
emotional sobriety recovery?
Like what do you do with yourclients with that?
Jenn (38:58):
Yeah, and maybe I have my clients bite off more than they
can chew, but I really feel likethe women that join me want a
challenge and I I have myclients bite off more than they
can chew, but I really feel likethe women that join me want a
challenge and I think when youhave something and you have
these habits, you have thesesystems set in place.
I think having this challengehelps fill the time, it gives us
structure, a sense ofaccomplishment, and they also
help boost our dopamine, and soit's not something that's
(39:22):
unachievable.
It's definitely achievable, butyou get to choose kind of what
path you take, and so I wouldsay, if you're interested in
nutrition now that's not one ofmy habits, but of course,
drinking water is a little bitpart of nutrition and staying
hydrated but if you'reinterested in nutrition,
especially in sobriety whetheryou're new to sobriety or a few
(39:42):
years in I think one of thebiggest concerns that I receive
in my groups is sugar cravingsis all the amounts that I can't
get a hold of my sugar, which istotally normal.
I get it.
I like to be realistic with thewomen.
Instead of taking somethingaway, I always ask what can we
add?
And the biggest thing that wecan add, especially for women
who are in your 30s and 40s, 50s, 60s, is to add protein.
(40:05):
Protein helps reduce our sugarcravings, it helps manage our
blood sugar, and so reallyhaving that before your trigger
hour, before that witching hour,so around 3 pm usually is to
have a really rich protein snack.
Rich protein snack, so cottagecheese, greek yogurt, um, chomp
(40:28):
stick, uh, just any.
Anything with some protein,along with a healthy fat, is
going to be really, reallyhelpful, you know.
And whether it's movement, can Iget out for a 10 minute walk?
You know, adding in and maybenot biting off and doing all of
these things at once, but it'sfor this week or for the next
couple weeks.
Can I go for a 10 minute walk?
Can I write and think of threethings and get a gratitude
journal, three things that I'mgrateful for from the past 24
(40:51):
hours?
Another one of my habits isreading, and I think reading is
huge.
So, whether you're listening toa podcast like this or whether
you're reading a book onpersonal development or quitlet,
I think that's imperative andhas completely changed my
sobriety, completely changed mymindset.
So make sure you're reading.
You know, maybe five pages ortwo pages of quitlet or a
(41:16):
personal development book, likethe let them theory or the five
second rule, or you are a badassor something like that,
something that's going to helpyou do life better and that's
going to help your mindset.
So I think, just taking alittle bit, not over committing
yourself, but thinkingrealistically what can I
(41:36):
accomplish and what is one thingI could do this week that would
help me to feel better?
So in my courses our habits arenumber one stay sober.
Drink half your body weight inounces of water, move your body
for 30 minutes a day, read 10pages of a personal development
or quitlet book, write fivethings you're grateful for from
the past 24 hours and check intothe group.
(41:59):
So check into your sobercommunity every single day and
when you can do those thingsbecause, again, we have the time
and it doesn't take that muchtime when we can stack those
habits together.
They help you to feel better insobriety, they help to boost
your confidence, boost yourself-esteem and help you to stay
sober.
(42:19):
And so you can pick and choosewhat habits you want to do.
But if you need somerecommendations, I would start
there.
Shelby (42:26):
I love that so much.
Those are all super powerful.
And again, sometimes I know Iknow cause, I know how I am I'm
still like so type A and justlike ADHD all over the place.
And like when I and I've been,I was raised as like an athlete
and I was always very athleticand fit and focused on food and
there's been times when I'vebeen like super focused on it
and other times when I've not.
(42:46):
And then COVID times came and itreally hit me hard, like we had
a lot going on.
It was a lot of trauma in ourhome for a sustained period of
time, and so I, you know, I waslike not able to focus on that,
which was really hard, and sothen I was ready to get back
into it and I connected with awoman that's, you know, a
personal trainer and like a guruin my world, and you know she
(43:07):
said like okay, let's start withlet's.
Basically, she said, you know,like let's get these habits
going, and she said I want youto drink a gallon of water a day
.
And I was like, okay, and Ihave, like I have my paper, and
I'm like, okay, like that's it.
I'm like like what?
Like no, I'm ready like I, I'mready, like to do the thing.
She's like nope, I just wantyou to do that for like two
(43:29):
weeks or a week or whatever, andI'm like oh, like that was so
hard for me, right, because Iwanted to, like, I wanted the
seven things and like that's soalcohol, like you know.
But, um, sometimes we just haveto break it down into smaller
pieces, right and just like.
And also, it's really importantfor us to learn how to follow
directions, whether it's in yourprogram or a recovery program
of any kind.
We need to learn how to followdirections for other people
(43:50):
Because, not because they'rebetter than us or that we're not
good enough or whatever, butbecause that's how we change.
You know, when we learn tofollow the directions of
somebody that we've chosen to beour leader in our life in a
certain area and, you know, alot of times we want to take our
will back and be in control and, like you know, but usually it
doesn't.
Jenn (44:11):
I know.
Thank you so much for your time.
Shelby (44:14):
I really appreciate your story.
I love the work you're doing,so if people do want to reach
out to you or connect, where doyou like people to do that?
Jenn (44:29):
I love to hang out on Instagram and I'm at Jen Lee
Hurst, or you can go to mywebsite at
joinlighthousesobrietycom whereI have my a hundred day sober
journal that you can check out,and then links to membership and
my coaching programs.
Shelby (44:36):
Perfect.
Let me show their link in theshow notes below.
And again, thank you so muchfor your time and I hope our
paths cross again soon.
Jenn (44:43):
Awesome Me too.
Thanks for having me on.
Shelby (44:50):
Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of
Confident Sober Women.
If you enjoyed thisconversation, hit the subscribe
button above so you won't missany upcoming episodes.
And hey, if you really loved it, leave me a review episodes.
And hey, if you really loved it, leave me a review.
You can learn more about thesober freedom inner circle
membership atwwwshelbyjohncoachingcom.
(45:10):
Forward slash inner circle.
See you next time.
Hey there, sober ladies, thank you so much for joining
me today and I have aconversation that you're going
to love.
My friend, jen Hurst, is withus today and she is the founder
of Lighthouse Society.
She tells her story in such agreat way and how she helps
women through coaching and usingsix simple steps to make
society sobriety sustainablefrom day one.
(00:23):
So she is just a breath offresh air.
Truly, she gets down and dirtyabout things like boundaries and
gratitude.
We really just share back andforth about habits and the
importance that we have oflayering on tools to help
sustain not only our sobrietybut also just our well-being and
(00:44):
our health and physical healthand our mental health and just
we go through a couple of thosethings.
I think you're really going toenjoy it and leave with some
real practical tools that youcan implement literally today
and help make a big differencein your life.
So grab your big glass of wateror your favorite mocktail and
enjoy this conversation with Jen.
First, hello and welcome to theConfident Sober Women podcast.
(01:20):
I'm your guide, shelby John.
I'm the mother of three, wifeto one and sober since July 1st
2002.
As sober women, we havesomething huge in common and
when we share our lives and ourstories with each other, we feel
that sense of belonging andconnection, so we know we are no
longer alone.
In this podcast, you will hearreal life talk about building
(01:41):
confidence and transforming yourlife beyond recovery.
So come on, let's talk.
Hey, it's me Shelby.
Have you ever wondered what'sreally happening in your brain
during recovery?
Are you ready to take controlof your anxiety, sleep better
and finally feel focused andconfident?
(02:02):
I want to introduce you to agame changer that's transforming
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I want you to think of this asa personal trainer for your
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(03:09):
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Take the first step towardstraining your brain for lasting
change.
Well, hey there, jen.
Thank you so much for joiningme today for the Confidence Over
Women podcast.
I'm so excited to have you andto share you and your story with
our guests, so I'm going toturn the mic over to you.
(03:31):
Let you share a little bit moreabout your story, and then
we're going to chat?
Jenn (03:35):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you so much for having meon.
As she mentioned, I am JenHurst and I am a sober coach,
mother of two.
I live in northern Minnesotaand I've been sober for 11 and a
half years and I coach women onnot only how to boost your
confidence in sobriety, but alsoimplementing habits from the
get-go to have you feeling yourbest throughout this process.
(03:57):
And so my story goes into.
You know, I really like to sayno one is off limits.
I didn't look like your typicalif we use the term alcoholic or
someone who has a problem.
I don't really have pictures ofme passed out or in bed.
I did my drinking alone and,from the looks of it, if you go
(04:17):
to my Instagram page, I was.
It looks like I have it alltogether.
It wouldn't look like I have aproblem.
I was really good at hiding itand if we go on a spectrum, I
was one of the more severe caseswhere I didn't know if I had
days left to live.
It was how far I took it andhow much I wanted to make
(04:38):
something work.
That just wasn't supposed to,and my background is I was
raised in a great family, as I'msure many of you are.
My parents rarely drank, I gotgood grades, and so I didn't fit
the typical mold of someone whowould be struggling with
alcohol.
But I think, especially for me,I used it to manage my anxiety.
(04:59):
It went from pain, fromheartbreak, and I only learned
that by doing a usage history.
If no one's ever done that, itwas really eye-opening.
I encourage everybody to dothat.
Or I kind of pinpointed where mydrinking went from fun quote
unquote fun to using it tomanage an emotion or using it to
escape, and that started whenmy second boyfriend wanted to go
(05:21):
on a break, and so thatimplemented the seed that I
could take away any hard feelingby drinking.
I never had to feel fear, Inever had to feel sadness, I
never had to feel, you know,just anxious in social
situations, and so it wasn'tlike I was addicted right off
(05:43):
the gate, and so it wasn't likeI was addicted right off the
gate.
Going through my history, itwas about 10 years of where I
first started to escape andabuse it to when I actually got
sober.
And so this is why alcohol isso tricky.
It's because often you wake upand you don't even realize
what's happened and how you gothere, until you kind of back it
up and kind of go through yourstory and figure it all out and
(06:05):
how you used it to managefeelings, how that increased my
anxiety, and then I would drinkbecause I was anxious.
And I was anxious because Idrank and so I kept pushing and
pushing.
It got worse and worse and I gotmany consequences.
I've had two DWIs.
Yeah, I was laid off from myjob.
I got my car taken away.
I was drinking other forms ofalcohol, like mouthwash, rubbing
(06:29):
alcohol to reduce the shamethat I felt from walking into a
liquor store.
I was trying everything that Icould to hide it.
And it was really in the yearleading up to my wedding where
kind of everything came about.
I was working full time, doingfreelance-time, and I was
crippling with anxiety, and soit was really in the day after
my wedding I kind of collapsedand began the year and a half
(06:52):
journey of actively seekingsobriety.
And I'm super stubborn.
If you tell me something that Ican't do, I'm going to prove to
you that I can do it.
And I couldn't do this and Ididn't know why.
I would have certain milestones, like 30 days, and I couldn't
do this and I didn't know why Iwould have certain milestones
like 30 days and you know, Idon't even think I reached 60
days in that year and a halfjourney, but it was trying
things out and seeing whatworked.
(07:13):
I have been to three inpatients, I've been to eight outpatients
, I've gotten a therapist, I'vegotten a psychiatrist, I've been
to jail, I've been to housearrest, I've been to all of
these things, but I kept havingto push it until I was finally
done.
I didn't have a car, I didn'thave a home, my marriage was on
the verge of divorce, I had nomoney and I didn't know if I was
(07:34):
going to wake up the next day.
And so it was in detox, where Iwas going for the second time
that I kind of had an out ofbody experience.
And maybe your listeners havethis click moment which I always
refer to.
We kind of wake up andeverything becomes clear and I
didn't want to drink anymore andI just stopped fighting it.
(07:56):
And I can't say that everythingwas perfect.
I had so much stuff to clean up, I had court the next day, I
didn't have any money, I washomeless, I was all of this.
But I just told myself as longas you don't drink.
You can't make this any worse.
And I didn't know what my lifewas going to be like.
I didn't know how I was goingto clean up the mess that I
(08:17):
created, but I just keptfocusing on the next right thing
.
And it's amazing that, evenwith all this stuff that I had
to do get a parole officer, allof it, get my license back, all
of this stuff, get a job, likeeverything it was so much easier
when I accepted it and I wasready to do this, and I didn't
have to hide anything.
(08:38):
I didn't have to manage thelies that I was keeping and it
was so.
It was like this huge weight.
And I can also say that no onebelieved me when I got sober.
How was it?
How were they supposed to knowthat this time was going to be
different?
So it took them and my husbandactually did a podcast a couple
months ago that it took himalmost a couple of years to
(08:59):
actually trust me again.
So I didn't try to persuadethem, I just showed up and I
walked the talk.
Didn't try to persuade them, Ijust showed up and I walked the
talk.
I went to my meetings, I got mysponsor, I did my outpatient, I
did this, I did that, I didthis, and it's amazing what can
happen when you're sober thatall I was doing was not
consuming this one thing, and inturn, I got so much back.
(09:23):
I was able to rebuild my life.
Within four months.
We found out we were pregnantwith my first son, which is what
I've always dreamt about, andwe couldn't have kids because I
couldn't even take care ofmyself, and so my drinking was
preventing us from even doingthat, and the fact that my body
could recover enough to producea life just blew me away, and so
(09:48):
, from that moment forward, Iwanted to treat it with respect.
It was in my son, who was bornright before my one year
soberversary, because he was apreemie.
He was the greatest gift tocome from my sobriety of
something to look forward to.
I'm not saying everybody go outand get pregnant, but it was
just one of the miracles thatcan happen when you start
(10:09):
treating your body with somerespect, and within four months,
I got a job back in my field.
Within six months, I waspromoted.
Within a year, less than a year, my son was born.
Within a year and a half, wegot our first house and all of
these good things starthappening.
And I'm not saying life wasperfect, but I was living it.
(10:31):
I was actually living it and Iwas able to notice all the good
things that were happening.
And so, from that momentforward, I'd been in graphic
design and I never shared aboutmy sobriety.
And it was when I became abeach body coach If anybody is
familiar with that, which issomething completely out of the
(10:52):
ordinary One of those things isto share your story, which I did
not do.
I did not share anything.
I actually didn't even thinkanybody cared about my sobriety.
I was really living a dry,drunk lifestyle.
I didn't share about it.
I didn't think anybody cared.
I felt like I had no friends,and this was for about four
years.
I lived in the sober closet,and part of that is sharing your
(11:15):
story if you become a coach.
So, within a couple of weeks ofme starting that feeling
uncomfortable, putting myselfout there, I thought it was time
to come out of the sober closet, and so I have two recovery
dates I have April 24th of 2013,which is my sober date, and I
have September 7th of 2017,which was the day I came out of
(11:36):
the closet, which also changedmy life, because from that
moment forward, it led me overthe course of a few years, to
realize I don't think I'msupposed to help women lose
weight.
I think I'm supposed to helpthem get sober.
Something that I'm doing isworking from workouts to reading
to water, like all of thatstuff.
(11:57):
What I'm doing is working andwomen want to know about it
because they're struggling.
So I started getting in my DMsand, slowly but surely, stars
started to align and it becameclear like this is what I was
meant for, and so I began.
I started coaching privateclients, while still having a
full-time job with two kidsunder three trying to make it
(12:20):
work.
I then wanted to go into groupcoaching because that's like the
magic of sobriety is communityis we all help and support each
other.
You have to have a sobercommunity.
That is, hands down,non-negotiable.
You got to be with other womenwho are also doing the same
thing as you, who can lift youup in a society that pushes
(12:41):
alcohol, and we all do thisthing together, we all get sober
together, we all support eachother and we all focus on taking
care of ourselves in thisprocess.
And so those groups took offand then in turn, grew by
membership and it's just kind ofdominoed from there, and that's
kind of how I got to where I amtoday.
(13:02):
In a nutshell, a little bit.
Shelby (13:04):
Jen, thank you so much for sharing all of that in such
a vulnerable way.
And you're so right what yousaid, that you know where the
magic really happens is when webegin to come out of the closet.
As you said, now, noteverybody's designed for openly
sharing publicly about all ofthe things, and that's not
necessary, but if you can find aspace whether it's recovery
(13:27):
meetings or in, like you know,groups that you feel comfortable
with, or even with just atrusted friend or family member,
sharing those parts of yourselfis really, really an important
process.
And also, again, like you don'thave to write the book or start
a blog about all yourtransgressions or whatever, but,
um, find some way to be aresource and to share the magic
(13:50):
and the hope that comes inrecovery, because that is truly
how it works.
Right, that's what we learnedthat when other people hear you
know about you or me or whoever,and they're like, oh my gosh,
how did you do that?
Like, how did you stop?
Like I knew you, you know likeyou were like falling out or
whatever, and like, how did youstop?
You know, so that's how themessage of hope gets spread and
(14:13):
like we let other women know,like actually it is possible to
change your life and it's not asit's actually hard, I mean it's
not, it's very simple.
You know, this is very, verysimple stuff, Not always easy,
but it is simple.
So thank you so much forsharing, because that's what
it's all about and I appreciatethat.
I love how you really talkedabout the transformation.
(14:34):
Really that came from not justnot drinking, you know.
I mean, obviously, ifsubstances are a part of your
problem, then not drinking andusing is going to be the first
step and probably the mostcritical part.
But the transformation comeswhen we start to combine and
like layer on all of these otherthings that build an of like a
(14:58):
complete package in tiny littlesteps, Like so tiny little
increments we add in, we layeron these tools that lead to the
big transformation.
Right, so from 2000, I think yousaid 13, maybe all the way
until now, I mean, you startedputting in these little things,
little tiny things, over timeand we think that's stupid.
(15:20):
Like what does drinking waterhave to do with anything?
This is ridiculous.
But like, and you add thatevery single day and you never
deviate.
And then all of a sudden, now,like a year later, you know you
have clear skin and you havehealthy nails, and your hair is
growing and your and yourdigestive tract is working
properly all because youfollowed that one tiny little
thing, and probably a bunch ofother stuff too.
So that's how it works.
Jenn (15:41):
You know, we do those same tiny things every single day
right, yeah, and you justcontinue to work at it and
things that may sound just likegratitude.
That's one of my habits and,yeah, water.
But once you learn the sciencebehind it and how important it
is, especially for sobriety take, for instance, gratitude, where
(16:02):
, especially me going into it,I'm like, come on, this is such
a waste of time.
But then, especially insobriety, I was very negative in
the first four to five years ofhaving this negative mindset,
glass half empty sort of mood,and I think if we can sit in
there, we can think thatsobriety is not worth it, that
(16:22):
it's boring, that there's nogood can come from it, no one's
ever going to like me, I have nofriends.
It's not fun, but gratitudereally rewires your brain and it
really and it's hard.
I mean for me it was reallyhard, maybe for others it's
really easy.
For me I had to actually Googlewhat do you be grateful for?
I have no idea and I'm likeit's easy to say your health,
(16:54):
your family, food.
But I noticed a big differenceis when I got specific of and
Rachel Hollis came out.
If you don't know her, she hasa podcast, she has books.
I was into her when she cameout, went to her conference
changed my life and she has thisStart Today journal where she
listed five things she'sgrateful for from the past 24
hours.
And when I started doing that,when I really got specific and I
had to do that every single day, that is where everything
(17:14):
started changing.
And not overnight, it's reallyover time.
Making it a small habit everysingle morning, or whether it's
at night, you end, cap your dayor you start your day with it.
I always recommend startingyour day with it and you look
back and you're like what wentwell and it could be the
smallest little things, andknowing that you have to do that
(17:35):
every single day, what goodcame from yesterday, what went
well, instead of always thinkingwhat went wrong, this and this.
They said this.
It's like man, I was reallyexcited that Walmart had one bag
of skinny pop left, because ifthat didn't happen, I would be a
pissed, I'd be upset.
I mean again, I'm not going todie, but I guess.
(17:56):
But noticing those littlethings, those little signs that
we miss when we're drinking.
Then, knowing you have to do it, you're going to be on the
lookout to find those thingsevery single day and be like I
need to make a mental note toremember that for tomorrow.
Oh my God, it's 20 degrees inMinnesota.
That's so nice.
The sun is out, or my dog isfeeling better, or a fresh cup
(18:20):
of coffee from Starbucks, youknow.
Just those things can justagain rewire our brain to feel
happier and more solidified inthis decision that we've made.
That was just one I couldn't doa few more.
Shelby (18:36):
And that is actually a practice that I have been, I
think, involved in since thebeginning probably, but have
gotten so much better at overtime, right, so over the
particularly the last 10 years.
But you're right, like I alsocan relate to being just.
I mean, I was never necessarilya negative person, but maybe I
was.
Maybe other people would saythat, but I think I just I was
(18:59):
very so self-centered.
You know, that is the root ofour problem, and that
self-centeredness always cameout with like, like, like, oh my
God, like I have too much to do, like how am I going to get
this done?
Like I have to do this and thisand this and this.
And I was, like alwaysoverwhelmed because I was just
constantly listing out all ofthis stuff in like a negative
connotation, right, as if it waslike they were bad things,
(19:21):
things.
But really, um, well, what?
Two things happened.
One, I I got sober today.
So, like, um, I was heavilyinvolved for a long time and I
had a really good my secondsponsor.
I chose her because she was asuper, really tough woman like I
needed, uh, at that stage, andI remember I needed a very
strong, tough woman becausethat's just where I was and so I
(19:41):
remember calling her and I waslike in the, I was at the, I I
have three kids in four years,right.
So like you had six months sober, I got pregnant with my first
kid.
Then I had three kids in fouryears, so I was raising these
babies and it was always just alot and sitting in the parking
lot of the gym where we, by theway, also went to preschool and
we were on the swim team andlike we spent two hours a day
there, right.
So privileged, amazing,wonderful thing.
And I'm like crying the bluesbecause I didn't know how I was
(20:03):
going to get all of this stuffdone.
And like I, you know, I'mtelling her, I'm listening out,
and she said stop doing that,stop listing out all of those
things like that, because nowyou've probably told me, you
probably told your mom youprobably called your husband,
you told your friend at the gym,like you've said, that all like
six or seven times.
Well, no wonder you feeloverwhelmed no wonder your brain
(20:25):
is flooding with cortisol.
You have to stop that and startjust saying what do I need to
do next?
what is the next thing take yourgroceries home and unload them
and then go pick up your kid,like, okay, and so when I, when
it is so simple, right, likethis is a simple concept, and I
was actually pissed off at herbecause I'm like, no, you don't
get it, but she did get it, shedid get it, same things and I
(20:49):
learned, like she's not, she'sso right, and I needed to just
stop the self-centered wheelright and slow down, because all
of those things are luxuryproblems.
Right, these are all luxuryproblems that I'm dealing with,
instead of saying I get to gohome and put my groceries away
in a warm house that has airconditioning and heat and a
refrigerator and four bedrooms,and then I get to go pick up my
(21:12):
kids at a preschool that I getto send them to because we have
money for that.
You know?
You see what I'm saying.
Like yeah, like when you change,when you start to change your
perspective.
But for me I had to havesomebody really teach me that
you know.
I mean, he did it for me too,cause we talk about inventory
just like you said.
Right, we take inventory and itsays even in the big book that
(21:33):
inventory isn't only supposed tobe in red, you're supposed to
have things in the black.
Where's the good?
Well, you know what?
I showed up on time to worktoday.
You know, and you seem likestupid things, but they're not
stupid when you've been living alifestyle where you couldn't
even get out of bed, where youcouldn't show up for things or
you said lies all the time.
Jenn (21:50):
So or even driving your kids to driving your kids.
The luxury of being able todrive, having a license Right,
oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Now I loved doing thatinventory part was what really
helped me was what, looking atwhat my part was in it, how was
(22:11):
I like dishonest, like whatdidn't I say?
And I was like, oh man, turningthe tables, I'm like, ah,
because we can find so muchresentment at this and this and
this, it's like, well, what wasmy part in this and that's I
felt like was really helpful forme going through that as well,
if anyone has the most importantpart and I feel like, frankly,
(22:32):
just an overarching theme ofpersonal responsibility.
Shelby (22:36):
I believe is a huge part of the missing link in our
society today with all peopleand why we have such a crisis
for many people, especiallyyoung people, because they
aren't being taught those kindsof things for a variety of
reasons, right and so, and evenadults like so.
Then people just constantly wantto point the finger, we want to
point the finger, point thefinger, but there's always,
there's always our part, alwaysin everything, even good or bad.
(22:58):
Right and so you know, likeeven when my kids, who are older
now, like you know, they wouldcome home and say like they're
having this friendship problemor this teacher thing, and
especially it was a friend thingand it was a conflict, and I'd
say, well, what was your part inthat?
What did you say first, whydidn't say I'm like, let's back
it up.
Like, why did she say that toyou?
You know, because and it's notto shame or blame, but it's to
(23:21):
help highlight that we all arehaving a part.
If you get pulled over becauseyou were speeding and you went
past a speed trap, the guy pullsyou over, it's not because he's
being a jerk.
It's because he said you werespeeding which is by the way,
against the law.
So you got caught doingsomething that was against the
law.
That's your fault, it's not.
He's a jerk.
Jenn (23:49):
It's not, he doesn't like white guys and black cars or
whatever Like it's.
Because you were speeding, yeah, and it's hard.
It's hard to.
It's so easy to blame otherpeople for our problems, but
it's so hard to be like I know.
No, it's not fun.
No, it's everybody else'sproblem, it's not mine.
Shelby (24:00):
Absolutely so.
I love it.
So already we've highlightedtwo really important things that
I think are super criticalskills that we need to layer on
when we're starting to build theconfidence and emotional
sobriety, and that is gratitude.
The other part about gratitudeI wanted to just mention is Ann
Voskamp's book 1,000 Gifts, andif you haven't read it it's a
little tiny book.
It's got a bird's nest on thefront with like a blue bird.
(24:21):
She, Ann Voskamp, is abeautiful Persian woman.
She wrote this amazing bookabout she has like all these
kids on like a homestead, youknow, and she just talked about.
Her friend challenged her towrite down 1,000 things she was
grateful for or whatever.
So she started writing stuffdown 1,000.
She wrote a book about it,right?
Jenn (24:39):
Wow.
Shelby (24:39):
And she shares simple stories.
Like you know, she's got allthese kids in there and she's
doing the.
You know she's in the kitchenand they're fighting and blah,
blah, blah, blah behind her andshe's starting to, she's
starting to feel it, right,she's starting to feel like, oh,
here we go, and then she's, andthen what she immediately does
is she stops, she stops herselfand she's washing her dishes and
(25:06):
she and she's looking out herwindow and she's like know,
thank you so much for this forthese kids, thank you so much
for the fact that we have atable they can sit around and
fight at, thank you for thesedishes that I get to wash
because I have this beautifullife.
So, and then, immediately, herwhole body would like start to
shift and slow down and shecould feel that, um,
disengagement of emotion, rightso that is the science I'm not a
scientist, but that is thescience.
I'm not a scientist, but that isa physical response to an
(25:27):
activity that you can literallydo privately.
Nobody even has to know you'redoing it.
That's going to change theentire way that you feel and
then likely, the way you respond.
Jenn (25:38):
So yeah, that's so crazy yeah.
Shelby (25:40):
The second thing we talked about was personal
responsibility, which I think isso huge and a missing, missing
link.
And when, when we get reallygood at this, the sobriety, and
maybe you work with your clientson this like when you start to
really own that, like, whatabout this situation is
bothering me?
You know, like I'm in thisconflict and I'm feeling this
thing and my husband's coming atme and he's coming at me, he is
coming at you, but like, why isthat bothering you?
(26:01):
Like, why, like, why are yougetting?
Well, maybe it's because I feellike my security is being
threatened or I'm I'm notvaluable or I'm being
disrespected.
You know, like, what about itis bothering you?
right because people are allowedto have emotions around us.
They're allowed to be mad,they're allowed to be sad,
they're allowed to be.
You know all the things but,why is that bothering you?
Jenn (26:24):
Yeah, yeah, and definitely some opportunity for some
journal questions, becausewhatever that is happening, if
it's affecting you, the samething could be effect, or he
could say the same thing tosomeone else that has no effect,
and that one.
The key concept that I love,that I've been using recently
with my clients, is just the letthem theory of and I think,
(26:48):
gosh, it's just.
I mean working with a clientlast week of being frustrated
over a partner and he's doingthis and he I'm like, go, you
guys listen to Mel Robbins letthem theory.
Go buy the book, go listen toit.
It's so, so helpful in sobrietyof releasing our need to control
other people, letting them bewho they are, but also let me do
(27:09):
whatever I need to do to centermyself, find gratitude and take
care of myself.
It releases so much anger andfrustration over and offers us
peace.
When we release the need to tryto control other people, then
we invite the opportunity forpeace.
Time and space, like all ofthat stuff, can come when we
(27:33):
just use two simple words.
It's so, so helpful for me andmy clients.
Shelby (27:39):
I'm reading it right now and it's like all I can talk
about that work.
For about 10 years, though, Ireally been doing it like for
myself, and it just gets betterand better and better and better
.
But now reading it, likereading her actual words gosh,
it's just like freaking lifechanging.
So definitely get Mel Robbinsbook, let them listen to our
podcast, whatever you need to doto connect with that theory,
because it is freeing, it is thekey to freedom and peace.
(28:01):
Truly because, truly, because,truly like again, like everybody
around us in our country andour homes or whatever they're
allowed to do and be who theywant to be now, it's not without
consequence.
You know, nothing is.
We all have consequences, goodand bad, for everything that we
do but, you get to, you get tobe whatever you want to be.
That doesn't mean you will haveevery single benefit you know,
(28:21):
or that people won, people won't, won't want to, you know, not
be your friend, um, but youstill get to do it, um, so
people get that confused, Ithink Right.
Jenn (28:30):
Yeah.
Shelby (28:30):
He was like but I, but I'm this thing, you know, I want
, I want, I want to be there,believe this or have this
feeling, and but then everybodyelse is going to just embrace
that and I'm like, no, that'snot, they're not mutually
exclusive.
It's just, you do get to dothat, but there are always
consequences for our choices.
Jenn (28:46):
Yeah, absolutely Absolutely, and I also like to
differentiate.
You know what?
How the let them theory isdifferent than boundaries, how
they're kind of similar, butalso how they're different,
which I don't.
I know she doesn't go into thebook, but when something
disrupts your wellbeing, whensomeone disrupt or disrespects
you, that is the time to notjust let them right we're not
(29:08):
going to let people walk allover us but also that's the
opportunity to set a boundaryand to stick up for yourself of
what you will and will notaccept.
So let them is kind of passiveand the boundaries is very
active, but you can use them inconjunction with each other as
you go about this to again findpeace, but also be assertive
(29:32):
with yourself and communicatewhat you need, which then, in
turn, gets your needs met,teaches other people how to
treat you, but also allows themto have their own journey and be
who they are, while you're alsoshowing yourself and doing the
same for you.
Shelby (29:46):
I totally agree with you and I think that she I mean,
I'm so glad you brought that up.
It's a great topic.
I would love to just say more,a little bit.
I want us to say a little bitmore about that because I think
that it is confusing.
You know, we hear things likelet them, but I do think in the
beginning of the book and I'mjust still in the beginning she
talks about that a little bit.
She doesn't use the wordboundary, but that's why she
brings in the let me piece.
Right, so it's.
(30:07):
And I I was just having thisconversation earlier today and I
said, you know, we do get to,we let them do whatever, like if
somebody, if your spouse, wantsto be mad or this or that, like
there, we can let them do thatand we can carry on with our
lives and do that now.
But then when it crosses, ifsomething crosses over to like
personal criticism or someone'sreally, you know, kind of
personally attacking you orthreatening you or doing other
(30:28):
things, that's when you do needto say like, then that's let me.
Well, let me speak up and sayactually that's not acceptable.
You crossed the line here.
So, yes, we can let them havetheir feelings, but we can also
let ourselves say, actually, Idon't, that doesn't, that's not
going to work for me.
Jenn (30:44):
Yeah.
Shelby (30:44):
Yeah, I think that's so critical Right, and so
boundaries is like another.
That's another step right.
That's another piece of thispuzzle on, like, how we're
building emotional sobriety, andI'd love to hear, like, how are
you working with your clientsto teach them boundaries?
Jenn (30:58):
Yeah, well, honestly, looking at different areas where
you can have boundaries I mean,a lot of the boundaries we have
is with ourself and where youput yourself, what time you
choose to leave.
You know retreating to thebedroom if something's bothering
you, you know it can be withother people, it can be with
your time event, like all ofthese different areas.
But I like to help women workthrough the boundaries by having
(31:23):
like a five-step process of youknow identifying an area in
your life that's causing yousome problems that you want to
change, and then working throughthem of okay, we have this.
Then let's figure out thedialogue.
Here are some differentscenarios of whether you use the
I statement and then how tocommunicate it, like when we're
communicating our boundaries,how to have you know our body
(31:44):
posture not over describing orsimplifying our boundaries and
then making sure we repeat themand that we follow through on
them.
Because with every boundarythat you set, there's going to
be a consequence of if thatboundary is broken, what will be
the consequence that you setthere's going to be a
(32:04):
consequence of if that boundaryis broken, what will be the
consequence.
So, just navigating that,giving them a worksheet to
figure that out like plan it out, because I think that's the
whole key to sobriety is just tohave a plan to what is
bothering me.
Let's write out how can Icommunicate this, what's going
to be the consequence and whatis the action that I'm going to
take.
Because that's exactly whatboundaries are.
It's the action that you take,not someone else.
(32:24):
It's what you are going to do,and then it's up to me to
withhold it.
And so I like to always tellclients because I'm Minnesota,
nice, and to have it be receivedbetter is to do like a
compliment boundary sandwich,where you say something nice to
the person to kind of introducethe boundary, then you state
what the boundary is and thenyou leave it with something
(32:47):
positive.
So you know, hey, honey, Ireally enjoy spending some time
with you and reconnecting andwatching a movie together on
Friday night.
What I really need is, becauseI'm doing this challenge, I
really need to have the alcoholout of the home.
So I was seeing would you beokay with if we can keep the
alcohol in the garage for rightnow until I feel a little bit
(33:07):
more comfortable?
But I am so excited to you know, and then just leave it with
something positive that makesthem, the receiver, more apt to
be okay and not like it's.
It's up to them.
It's not our responsibilitywith how they receive our
boundary, but it's just a nicerway to kind of communicate it as
(33:30):
people.
Pleasers for them for us to getthe confidence to share it.
Shelby (33:34):
Holidays, too, like and I think a lot of times, women
that I've run across when I talkabout this concept in any of my
work is um, sometimes I feellike they don't even feel like
they they're allowed to do that,like, so like we need to help
them understand that, to givethem permission, like they need
to give themselves permission tocreate these boundaries, so not
(33:57):
only do they not really knowwhat that is, but they're not
even like, oh, like I can'timagine.
It's like saying that to my momor whatever you know, but I'm
like okay, you know, and and wehave to be very cautious we're
not saying you should be a jerk,you know you don't call someone
a name or like a girl.
You know it's very basic, justlike you just said, and and then
also being willing to accept onthe other side that that person
might be upset about that theymight be angry, they might be
(34:20):
sad, they might be disappointed.
There might be a feeling thatcomes up for that other person
because you set a boundary, butit's not you that's causing it,
because that's on them, that'snot your fault, right.
So it's like, and then alsorealizing they're allowed to
have maybe think of the holidays, right.
So a lot of people I wasworking with you just struggle,
like I think it's just a realstruggle for most of us,
(34:41):
especially if you're a parent,like you know, with a lot of
activities, a lot of familystuff and like traveling, if you
have family out of town and so.
So sometimes this is reallyhard to be able to decide like I
don't really want to do thisthis thing anymore, like I don't
want to go out on Christmas day, like it's just you know, and
so you know you struggle, youstruggle, maybe do it a couple
of years and then you build aresentment because now you're,
(35:02):
like I, really pissed off.
But so being able to say likehey, mom, dad, you know I just I
love spending time with youguys, it's so fun.
Like I love our traditions andall I also am really excited
about starting my own with myfamily and my kids, and like I
really want them to be able towake up in their, in their own
home, and so we really decidedthat we're going to create this
new kind of family nutrition forus and spend like a couple
(35:24):
hours and then we'll come over,you know, a little bit later,
maybe like two o'clock orsomething.
So, because we really do wantto spend time with you, yes,
perfect.
Like you've been able to say,like you're valuable, I'm also
valuable and I'm doing this andthen.
But we still really want to doit.
So it's not like you're sayingnow sometimes you might be
(35:47):
saying I'm not going to come butlike if you can figure out a
way to make, you know, makeeverybody get a little bit of
the pie, then that works thebest.
But it's worse when we just letthat stuff continue on when
it's making, when it's hurtingus, you know.
I mean like it's still going tobe hurtful to you if you're
doing something that is reallynot aligned with your values.
Jenn (36:05):
Yeah, and, like you said, when we don't set boundaries,
that builds resentment andresentment is not a good place
to be in sobriety.
And when that stuff festers weget upset, we get angry and then
that can push us to the F itbutton.
So we don't want that.
But, like you said, there canbe a nice way to say it, how we
say it matters.
We don't have to explaineverything.
(36:25):
We keep it simple, we smile, wewrite it down if that helps,
and we communicate it and thenwe follow through.
But again, like you said, weare not responsible for how
someone receives that.
That's where we can apply thelet them theory.
If they are upset by theboundaries that you set, it's
even more reason to set thoseboundaries in the first place.
And so shame and guilt can be anormal symptom after we set a
(36:49):
boundary.
That's normal.
But don't let that negate youfrom sticking up for yourself,
because you matter, your needsmatter, and the more that you
can gather up the confidence.
So, whether that's to go for aworkout, before you do it, say
some affirmations to yourself,take a deep breath and look at
yourself in the mirror.
Just say you know what.
I'm not going to die, I canfreaking do this and then go and
(37:12):
set it and then again let it go, however they receive it.
It's not your responsibility,but all that's required of you
is to set the boundary in thefirst place.
Shelby (37:25):
Yeah, so I know that one of your big areas of interest
and focus is a lot around likenutrition and wellness and
movement and all of those thingsare such important layers as
well, and you know we probablycould spend another two hours
talking additionally about allthat stuff.
But I'm curious about kind ofthe stuff that we've already,
(37:46):
we've already said and then justbringing in that new layer of
like, how do we you use the wordrespect your body, which I love
that you know, because I thinkfirst you know, when we're
active addiction, when we werean active addiction, we're doing
the opposite of that Like right, Like we don't think about it,
because we're not thinking aboutit, but like when you're doing,
when you're drinking and doingdrugs like you're, you're
(38:08):
literally ingesting poison, likeyou're right, and so that's
clearly not a way to respectyour body, but we're certainly
not thinking about that becausewe don't, because it's too much
for us, we don't want to thinkabout what we're doing but, now
as, like sober people and maybethis is the first time you're
ever doing that, maybe you'venever been taught about
nutrition, maybe you really havezero idea, like, how to even
get started, or you weren'traised in a family that you know
(38:30):
that, valued that, and that'sokay.
Everyone has to start somewhere.
And so I'm curious about likekind of the baby steps into some
of that, like whether you'vebeen a house nut for your whole
life or you're kind of just babystepping into it, like how can
we bring these other concepts in, like around gratitude, even,
and around personalresponsibility, for sure, and
then even boundaries, to like atlayering on the sort of
(38:51):
nutrition and movement aspectsof physical health into our
emotional sobriety recovery?
Like what do you do with yourclients with that?
Jenn (38:58):
Yeah, and maybe I have my clients bite off more than they
can chew, but I really feel likethe women that join me want a
challenge and I I have myclients bite off more than they
can chew, but I really feel likethe women that join me want a
challenge and I think when youhave something and you have
these habits, you have thesesystems set in place.
I think having this challengehelps fill the time, it gives us
structure, a sense ofaccomplishment, and they also
help boost our dopamine, and soit's not something that's
(39:22):
unachievable.
It's definitely achievable, butyou get to choose kind of what
path you take, and so I wouldsay, if you're interested in
nutrition now that's not one ofmy habits, but of course,
drinking water is a little bitpart of nutrition and staying
hydrated but if you'reinterested in nutrition,
especially in sobriety whetheryou're new to sobriety or a few
(39:42):
years in I think one of thebiggest concerns that I receive
in my groups is sugar cravingsis all the amounts that I can't
get a hold of my sugar, which istotally normal.
I get it.
I like to be realistic with thewomen.
Instead of taking somethingaway, I always ask what can we
add?
And the biggest thing that wecan add, especially for women
who are in your 30s and 40s, 50s, 60s, is to add protein.
(40:05):
Protein helps reduce our sugarcravings, it helps manage our
blood sugar, and so reallyhaving that before your trigger
hour, before that witching hour,so around 3 pm usually is to
have a really rich protein snack.
Rich protein snack, so cottagecheese, greek yogurt, um, chomp
(40:28):
stick, uh, just any.
Anything with some protein,along with a healthy fat, is
going to be really, reallyhelpful, you know.
And whether it's movement, can Iget out for a 10 minute walk?
You know, adding in and maybenot biting off and doing all of
these things at once, but it'sfor this week or for the next
couple weeks.
Can I go for a 10 minute walk?
Can I write and think of threethings and get a gratitude
journal, three things that I'mgrateful for from the past 24
(40:51):
hours?
Another one of my habits isreading, and I think reading is
huge.
So, whether you're listening toa podcast like this or whether
you're reading a book onpersonal development or quitlet,
I think that's imperative andhas completely changed my
sobriety, completely changed mymindset.
So make sure you're reading.
You know, maybe five pages ortwo pages of quitlet or a
(41:16):
personal development book, likethe let them theory or the five
second rule, or you are a badassor something like that,
something that's going to helpyou do life better and that's
going to help your mindset.
So I think, just taking alittle bit, not over committing
yourself, but thinkingrealistically what can I
(41:36):
accomplish and what is one thingI could do this week that would
help me to feel better?
So in my courses our habits arenumber one stay sober.
Drink half your body weight inounces of water, move your body
for 30 minutes a day, read 10pages of a personal development
or quitlet book, write fivethings you're grateful for from
the past 24 hours and check intothe group.
(41:59):
So check into your sobercommunity every single day and
when you can do those thingsbecause, again, we have the time
and it doesn't take that muchtime when we can stack those
habits together.
They help you to feel better insobriety, they help to boost
your confidence, boost yourself-esteem and help you to stay
sober.
(42:19):
And so you can pick and choosewhat habits you want to do.
But if you need somerecommendations, I would start
there.
Shelby (42:26):
I love that so much.
Those are all super powerful.
And again, sometimes I know Iknow cause, I know how I am I'm
still like so type A and justlike ADHD all over the place.
And like when I and I've been,I was raised as like an athlete
and I was always very athleticand fit and focused on food and
there's been times when I'vebeen like super focused on it
and other times when I've not.
(42:46):
And then COVID times came and itreally hit me hard, like we had
a lot going on.
It was a lot of trauma in ourhome for a sustained period of
time, and so I, you know, I waslike not able to focus on that,
which was really hard, and sothen I was ready to get back
into it and I connected with awoman that's, you know, a
personal trainer and like a guruin my world, and you know she
(43:07):
said like okay, let's start withlet's.
Basically, she said, you know,like let's get these habits
going, and she said I want youto drink a gallon of water a day
.
And I was like, okay, and Ihave, like I have my paper, and
I'm like, okay, like that's it.
I'm like like what?
Like no, I'm ready like I, I'mready, like to do the thing.
She's like nope, I just wantyou to do that for like two
(43:29):
weeks or a week or whatever, andI'm like oh, like that was so
hard for me, right, because Iwanted to, like, I wanted the
seven things and like that's soalcohol, like you know.
But, um, sometimes we just haveto break it down into smaller
pieces, right and just like.
And also, it's really importantfor us to learn how to follow
directions, whether it's in yourprogram or a recovery program
of any kind.
We need to learn how to followdirections for other people
(43:50):
Because, not because they'rebetter than us or that we're not
good enough or whatever, butbecause that's how we change.
You know, when we learn tofollow the directions of
somebody that we've chosen to beour leader in our life in a
certain area and, you know, alot of times we want to take our
will back and be in control and, like you know, but usually it
doesn't.
Jenn (44:11):
I know.
Thank you so much for your time.
Shelby (44:14):
I really appreciate your story.
I love the work you're doing,so if people do want to reach
out to you or connect, where doyou like people to do that?
Jenn (44:29):
I love to hang out on Instagram and I'm at Jen Lee
Hurst, or you can go to mywebsite at
joinlighthousesobrietycom whereI have my a hundred day sober
journal that you can check out,and then links to membership and
my coaching programs.
Shelby (44:36):
Perfect.
Let me show their link in theshow notes below.
And again, thank you so muchfor your time and I hope our
paths cross again soon.
Jenn (44:43):
Awesome Me too.
Thanks for having me on.
Shelby (44:50):
Thank you for joining me for this week's episode of
Confident Sober Women.
If you enjoyed thisconversation, hit the subscribe
button above so you won't missany upcoming episodes.
And hey, if you really loved it, leave me a review episodes.
And hey, if you really loved it, leave me a review.
You can learn more about thesober freedom inner circle
membership atwwwshelbyjohncoachingcom.
(45:10):
Forward slash inner circle.
See you next time.
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