Join me for an inspiring episode with Marci Hopkins, that reveals the transformative journeys of women in recovery, showcasing their battles with addiction and the strength they've found to reclaim their lives. We dive deep into the fascinating realm of neurofeedback therapy—a cutting-edge tool that allows individuals to train their brains from the comfort of their homes.
This episode features personal stories of triumph over trauma, emphasizing the importance of self-discovery and community support in building confidence.
As our guest candidly share their journeys, they illuminate how past experiences shaped their identities and create a roadmap for healing and personal growth. By integrating helpful routines, gratitude practices, and emotional awareness, women can shift their narrative toward one of empowerment and possibility.
We also touch upon the physiological changes women face during perimenopause, exploring how these transitions can affect their relationship with alcohol and overall well-being.
This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking clarity, hope, and community on their recovery journey. Tune in, get inspired, and remember, you're not alone. Please subscribe and share this episode with someone who might benefit from these conversations!
Find Marci at https://wakeupwithmarci.com/
Instagram @wake_up_with_marci/
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Oh, and by the way, if you didn’t know, my remote Neurofeedback Therapy program is up and running. Learn more here!
If you aren't part of the Confident Sober Women Facebook group, it's a great place to be. There are over a thousand other sober women there building lives they don't want to escape from. Come on over and join us.
And if you haven't read my memoir, grab a copy today and maybe a second one for a friend. There is so much hope in recovery, and I shared my story so raw and vulnerable so that others would know they aren't alone and that there is a way to live well, manage relationships, parent your kids, and have a healthy body, all while staying sober. Grab a copy of Recovering in Recovery: The Life-Changing Joy of Sobriety wherever books are sold.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shelby (00:09):
Hello and welcome to the Confident Sober Women podcast.
I'm your guide, shelby John.
I'm the mother of three, wifeto one, and sober since July 1st
2002.
As sober women, we havesomething huge in common, and
when we share our lives and ourstories with each other, we feel
that sense of belonging andconnection.
(00:30):
So we know we are no longeralone.
In this podcast, you will hearreal life talk about building
confidence and transforming yourlife beyond recovery.
So come on, let's talk.
Hey, it's me, shelby.
Have you ever wondered what'sreally happening in your brain
(00:51):
during recovery?
Are you ready to take controlof your anxiety, sleep better
and finally feel focused andconfident?
I want to introduce you to agame changer that's transforming
women's recovery remoteneurofeedback therapy.
I want you to a game changerthat's transforming women's
recovery Remote neurofeedbacktherapy.
I want you to think of this asa personal trainer for your
brain.
It's helping you build newneuropathways right from the
(01:14):
comfort of your own home.
So if you're dealing withanxiety that just won't quit, if
you have ADHD that's makinglife chaotic, or sleep issues
that leave you exhausted,neurofeedback could be your
missing piece.
It's science-backed braintraining that works with your
natural healing process, helpingyou regulate emotions and build
(01:37):
lasting confidence.
The best part is, you don'tneed to add another appointment
to your busy schedule.
My remote neurofeedback programbrings professional guidance
and support right to your livingroom.
Do you want to learn more aboutneurofeedback therapy?
You can go to my websitewwwshelbyjohncom to download my
(01:58):
free guide.
Is Neurofeedback Right for you?
Together, we'll create the calm, confident future you that you
deserve.
That's wwwshelbyjohncom.
Take the first step towardstraining your brain for lasting
change.
Well, hey there, marci, thankyou so much for joining me today
for the Confident Sober Womenpodcast.
(02:19):
I'm so excited to have you herewith me and just have a
phenomenal conversation.
Introduce you to my community.
So I'm going to turn the micover to you and let you share a
little bit more about your story, and then we're going to chat.
Marci (02:32):
Okay, thank you so much for having me first off.
I've been sober almost 10 yearsnow and it's truly changed my
life.
I came from a lot of abusethroughout my life and I turned
to alcohol to cope and it workedfor a lot of years.
It was a daily practice for meand it fluctuated through that
(02:59):
time but towards the end, formany reasons, it got really,
really bad and I had to make ahuge decision to stop.
I will say, once I stopped, Iwas able to really dive deep and
heal from my past, which I hadtried therapy, which therapy is
great, but I was drinking allthe while and so I really wasn't
(03:22):
facing what I needed to face.
And I got sober through AA.
Those 12 steps have beenlife-saving for me really doing
the work, diving deep as to howothers harmed me, how I
personally had a role in it, anddiscovering that, how I
(03:47):
personally had a role in it, anddiscovering that I think you
cannot create change if you donot see your role and because
the only thing we can change isourselves, turning myself over
to my higher power, being ofservice.
There's so many things that youlearn learn through the program
and making amends to those thatyou harm and even continuing
that throughout your life.
(04:09):
So with this I was able toreally find who I was.
I lost myself when my sexualabuse started at 12 years old by
my stepfather, and I lost thegirl with the dreams.
I lost the girl with theambition and I then became the
(04:30):
victim and I was looking toothers for validation and I lost
myself.
I became a chameleon and so,with my sobriety, I started
going within and it was throughthat that I found self-love, the
passion that I had, what wasimportant to me, and really
(04:50):
connecting with myself and doinga lot of inner child work to
create the change for me.
And that's where I discoveredthat, through my service, I
wanted to give back throughmedia, because my background is
in media.
I've worked in television all mylife.
I had gotten in front of thecamera in my 40s and a seed was
(05:14):
planted for me and God guided meto start a talk show called
Wake Up with Marci Wake Up WithMarci and my platform was all
about sharing stories ofinspiration, transformation and
empowerment, to share hope andlet people know that they were
not alone and to also navigatethese difficulties that we have
(05:41):
in life, because we all havethem in different ways, but we
all face the same, whether it'sgrief, divorce, abuse, mental
health, wellness.
So I have done that for thelast seven years and it's been
incredible creating thistelevision show, creating this
platform to help others, andthrough this journey I've helped
(06:02):
myself, I've grown and I'velearned so much and I continue
healing and thriving.
And I wrote a book Chaos toClarity Seeing the Signs and
Breaking the Cycles which mylife was chaos, and I found
clarity through my healingjourney.
And seeing the signs is seeingthe signs and guidance from the
(06:24):
other side and breakinggenerational cycles.
I've had a lot of success withthe book.
I'm so grateful for thatbecause really my ambition is to
create change in the world andfor others, and we do that one
person and one story at a time,and so I'm just grateful to be
(06:46):
here.
I created a course with allthat I've learned.
I'm very excited aboutlaunching that and motivational
speaker and just trying to helpothers.
That's just where I'm at rightnow.
Shelby (06:59):
Thank you so much, marci , for sharing all that and for
being so vulnerable and honest.
Marcy, for sharing all that andfor being so vulnerable and
honest.
It's sometimes it's superpainful to kind of open up about
the the most vulnerable partsof us.
You know those, those damagedparts, those scary, shameful
parts that you know we gothrough and um, but you're right
, when we do this kind of work,however, we want to do it.
(07:21):
Not everybody wants to share allof their things or write a book
, but we usually can find waysto share our experiences, even
if we don't go into all thedetails.
However, we do that.
It is how this works.
It is how we spread the messageof hope.
Right, that's what we're taughtkind of when we get and stay
sober for a long time, like weget to be somebody else's kind
(07:43):
of light into what it's like tolive alcohol and drug free.
So, um, thank you so much forthat.
I really like how you were ableto to share um, or I picked up
very clearly that you talkedabout you lost yourself and I
think that's experience, that ifyou talk to lots of other
(08:03):
people who struggle withsubstances, it's probably
something that they would alsosay.
Sometimes I wonder for some ofus, I mean, when you're a child,
we probably do have, we dounderstand some parts of
ourselves.
But I think for a lot of us wemaybe never even did know
ourselves you know, but forthose, but you said that you
(08:26):
said you lost yourself when,when things started with the
abuse and I'm just curious ifyou can say a little bit more
around kind of that piece ofthings what you kind of noticed
happened from like who you kindof thought you were, who you
were to yourself at that youngerversion, then kind of what
happened to like who you sort ofbecame, or like what your
(08:47):
identity sort of shifted into,maybe even throughout active
addiction.
And then I'd love to get to theother side.
Marci (08:54):
Yeah, so well, as you can imagine, there's there's that's
a really heavy question, causethere was there's a lot of
evolution from 12 to 47 when Istopped drinking.
But when you have a majortrauma happen, it changes how
you think and it changes how youbelieve those around you love
(09:18):
you, your worth, how peopleperceive you.
And so how did I lose myself?
I started failing out of school, I didn't feel safe in my home.
I wanted to end my life.
I mean, I thought there was noway out.
I mean, how does a young childleave an abusive situation,
whatever that abusive situationis?
(09:39):
So I had to find my way throughthat and thankfully I did not
end my life.
I found the strength thank Godthat I did not but what I
started to do was feel more of ashell of a person.
I had no drive within me topursue and do anything in school
(10:05):
, make good grades.
It was all about, well, I guess, that boys just like you, if
you look pretty on the outside,if you give yourself in some
sort of sexual way.
So I lost a girl with valuesand drive and the dreams that
(10:25):
you would have.
And so throughout high school Iwas in really bad relationships
and long relationships andalways staying in bad
relationships because I knewnothing more than somebody
treating you poorly and feelingsafe wasn't normal.
(10:46):
So if you're used to chaos, youput yourself in chaotic
situations.
After I graduated high school, Itried college, but again, I
didn't really have a lot ofdrive.
I didn't know what I wanted todo.
I didn't really know any worth.
I didn't know of a lot of drive.
I didn't know what I wanted todo.
I didn't really know any worth.
(11:06):
I didn't know of any worth formyself.
I didn't know what I wanted todo, if I could do anything.
So my grandmother actually tookme for some testing because I
went off to college but I triedthree different colleges and it
was really an escape for me.
It was a way for me to get awayfrom my mother and my life and
(11:29):
I would just fall into the partyscene and just escape.
It was just a way to get away.
And so when I went for thistesting, I started by
identifying like, what was Igood at, what were my interests?
And a lot of that was aroundcreativity.
I have a very creative mind.
(11:50):
That's where I thrive, that'swhere I love to be, and so that
was recognized throughout thistesting and there were colleges
that were brought up that theythought that I would do best at
and for me I needed a smaller,structured school.
(12:10):
So I ended up going to the ArtInstitute of Houston.
I went for radio and musicbusiness and I started my path
in TV.
I started interning.
I lived in Houston, texas.
I started at Paramount 20.
And that's where I discoveredtelevision and I was like maybe
(12:31):
I could do this, maybe I coulddo this, but I still was
drinking.
I was still in badrelationships.
I had the mindset of creatingchange in my life.
If I changed the person and thecircumstance, the place I was,
that my life would be better,but the realization I was taking
(12:52):
myself wherever I went.
So it may have started good,but then it would just crumble
because of the drinking and thefighting and me reacting and I
didn't know how to communicate.
There was no communication inmy home.
So I ended up working for I'lljust jump to it I ended up
(13:14):
working to Fox Cable Group.
I ended up thriving.
I was rising the ranks.
I ended up in operations andcontract work.
They ended up hiring me.
I ended up in programming.
I ended up being the programmanager for Fox Rocky Mountain,
I moved to Denver and then Imoved to LA and ultimately I
(13:35):
became the director of on-airpromotions for FX and I ended up
meeting my husband, and thiswas in California.
And so you can thrive within thechaos, right, I was living and
thriving and surviving, but allthe while there was the current
(13:58):
of the pain that was goingthrough me, pulsing through me
all throughout that time.
So, while my husband and Iformed this great relationship,
we ended up getting married.
There was still fighting, therewas still drinking, there was
(14:18):
still difficulty, because Iagain, at that time, I didn't
know how to manage or deal withanything outside of yelling,
outside of reacting to it,outside of being a victim, right
.
So we ended up getting married.
I ended up retiring from Fox,we had our babies, we moved to
(14:43):
New Jersey and when my kidsstarted getting a little older,
I ended up doing a fashion show,and it prompted a dream I had
for me to pursue that when I wasback in my teen years.
I wanted to be a model, and soI decided to go after commercial
(15:05):
, print, commercial, acting.
I was 25 miles from New York,so it was something I could do.
I felt I could do.
But it was really, reallydifficult to be a full-time
mother, because I didn't want toabandon my kids.
I never wanted them to feel theway that I felt, so I tried to
(15:25):
be there for them.
To be a full-time mom, also,while trying to pursue this
career of being in front of thecamera and learning.
When I throw myself intosomething, I go full throttle.
I want to be the best at itthat I can be, and my husband
traveled all the time, so Ibasically was raising the kids
(15:45):
on my own.
So it was really, really hard.
And, yet again, I was drinkingevery day, and so it was like
that wine culture that peopletalk about.
Every time at 5 o'clock Icouldn't wait for my glass of
wine and start the process ofcooking dinner and all of that.
And but when I was in front ofthe camera, all of my demons,
(16:11):
the that I had pushed down,started coming up the not
feeling worthy, not havingself-confidence uh, imposter
syndrome, feeling judged all ofthe time.
And the way that I responded tothat was by drinking more,
because I started using wine asmy liquid courage.
(16:34):
So, while everything looksgreat from the outside, I was
crumbling.
I was crumbling, life wascrumbling.
My relationship with my husbandwas crumbling.
I was full of hatred.
I thought I wanted a divorce.
I thought I wanted out ofeverything.
(16:55):
I knew that my drinking wasgetting to a bad place, and so
this is where the biggest partof my downfall happened and the
biggest part of my evolutionhappened.
So I knew that my drinking wasgetting to a bad place.
(17:16):
My mother was an alcoholic.
She had been in and out ofrehabs, in and out of jail I
mean it was bad.
So I was always comparingmyself to my mom.
I hadn't gotten to that placeright, but I knew that it still
didn't seem right.
So I did end up in the 12-stepprogram, but then I started
(17:37):
comparing myself to other peoplein the rooms and I'm like, wait
a minute, my story is not thatbad.
And that's the worst thing youcan do is compare yourself to
others in the room, because weall have our own story.
So I convinced myself afterthree months of not drinking
that I was not an alcoholic andso I went back out.
(17:58):
I started slowly drinking untilit started really evolving and,
like I told you, during thattime I started pursuing this.
So my drinking got worse andworse and so ultimately, towards
the end, I started hiding mydrinking.
I was very resentful to myhusband.
(18:21):
I just thought he couldn't havefun.
I thought that I could only bemyself when I was drinking.
I didn't know who to be, alwaystrying to find myself, and I
thought, oh, this fun girl whenI drink, that's who I am.
I drink, that's who I am.
(18:46):
And my last day of drinking wasOctober 3rd 2015.
And I'd gone for a gig, amodeling gig.
I took my liquid courage withme and I had convinced myself
that I didn't need it.
But I ended up in the wrongplace.
And so I was in this harriedstate trying to get to where I
was supposed to be and make mycall time, and I started
(19:07):
drinking and the drinking gotout of control.
I went out with my girlfriendafterwards and ultimately I
ended up getting a DUI.
And I went to bed that night inenraged that my husband got me
Somehow.
I thought I was going to hidethis, that if my friend came and
got me I would never be foundout.
(19:27):
So I went to bed angry and avictim.
And I woke up the next morningand God stepped in and I knew I
had to surrender.
And that's the thing about thishorrible disease is that you
have to decide yourself that youare ready, and it's only when
you are ready that you can startcreating.
Shelby (19:48):
The change was the catalyst of me beginning to
evolve and find myself that girlthat I had lost so many years
(20:08):
before.
I love that and I think that'sbasically the jumping off place
for most of us.
We land, it doesn't feel likethat and it's not glamorous.
Usually it doesn't feel good,but once we start to get a
little bit more clarity, when westay sober longer, we start to
see like oh wow, here was theinflection point.
Right here was that jumping offplace where I got to decide do I
(20:29):
want to make these big changesin my life or not?
But again, at the consciouslevel, we're not really thinking
about that.
It's really just how do I getout of trouble or how can I make
this better or make my husbandnot leave, or whatever is going
on at the time.
But then when we stay sober fora long time, particularly after
that first year or so becausethe first year of sobriety is
usually pretty challenging formost of us who are really
(20:49):
problematic drinkers we havelike an awakening, like there's
this awakening that starts tohappen, the clarity that comes
from around that one year, oneto five year mark, and most of
the people I talk to will canrelate to that as well.
And I'm curious for you,because something that I find is
very fascinating and I havepersonal experience with, and
(21:11):
just even sometimes still attimes is that, like because you
talked about chaos and that's aword I use a lot in my work as
well and because I used to saythings like I got sober in 2002.
So it was kind of a long timeago.
I got sober in AA as well,because we didn't have anything
else and I realized that I livedmy whole life in I used to say
(21:32):
in constant chaos, but now Iknow it's probably was anxiety.
We didn't call it that backthen.
So I but I agree with you.
You know, like we like that,like there's a dopamine hit that
comes with that for a lot of us.
Plus I have ADHD, so thatdoesn't help either, and so you
know, I'm curious if you whatyour experience was like when
you, because when we live inthat most people who are like
(21:54):
that you learn there are partsof us that like it.
You know there is a drive thatcomes with the chaos and it
doesn't always seem healthy, butI think it can be at times.
But anyway, on that other side,as you started to evolve
through that first year or so ofsobriety, I'm curious, like for
you, how did you manage nothaving like that as much?
(22:18):
Because that can be actuallyunnerving for a lot of us
because we don't like that's acoping skill, like we think that
that's the glue that's keepingus together, like that constant,
like chaotic experience, and sothen when you take it away it
can feel very mundane and kindof rote and a little boring, a
little bit, you know.
Know, like life, you know.
(22:38):
And so I'm curious if youexperienced that at all.
Marci (22:42):
Well, right, we live in a place of fight or flight and
always protecting ourselves, andit is all connected to our
nervous system and we think thatwe don't want it, but we know
nothing else.
So that's the comfort level.
(23:03):
So, if there is any peace, Imean, I remember having times of
just sitting there in peace Ididn't know to call it peace at
that time just quiet, and Iwould start trying to create
some chaos, you know, liketension, tension, I just needed
it, even though I said I didn'twant it.
(23:24):
So how did I start to createthe change?
Well, I had to start changingdaily habits.
I had to create routines formyself.
I had to shift my mindset.
I had to rewire my brain and mythinking, because our brains
(23:45):
are sick.
We have rewired our brainsbecause we can't handle the
amount of dopamine hits thatwe're getting from the alcohol
or the constant anxiety thatwe're living in, and so we've
(24:07):
got to find ways to shift thatand recreate how our brain is
thinking.
And so, for me, I started withpractices like gratitude, like
gratitude, praying to God andthose were really big things for
(24:28):
me and going into nature andfinding ways to connect with
myself and connect to my higherpower.
And so I think, once I startedshifting out of a place of lack
and feeling sorry for myself allthe time which it's easy to do
we sit there and say, well,nothing ever good happens in my
(24:50):
life, or I always attract thewrong person, or you know just,
my car always breaks down,everything bad always happens to
me.
I mean, and if we think thatway, that's what we are going to
attract in our lives.
So when we start a gratitudepractice which I know it can be
hard if we're not happy in ourlives to be grateful, so you
(25:11):
have to start really small.
If it's just the warm bed thatyou are in, if it's the shower
that you can take, if it's thecup of coffee that you can have
in the morning, there are things.
We have clothes, we have a roofover our head.
There's so many things to begrateful for.
It's just restructuring how wethink about it.
(25:33):
We always think about beinggrateful if we have a good
relationship or if we have a jobthat we want, or if we have the
car that we want in thedriveway, but there's really so
many beautiful things in ourlives.
So once I started looking atlife that way and for me.
I asked Jesus to save me thatif he would lead my way and I be
(26:04):
my shepherd, that I would behis lamb and I would do his work
.
And for so many of us, I mean,that could be anything.
It could be nature, it could bethe universe, it could be a
divine power.
Whatever it is, but knowingsomething bigger than you is out
there and your choices are notalways the best for yourself.
(26:24):
So being able to lean onsomething bigger than myself and
trust that really helped mealso.
And also a big thing, when westart to go in a grateful
mindset and we start to forgiveourselves and take ourselves out
(26:45):
of the shame and the guilt andthe hate for ourselves and hate
for others, we are able to thenconnect with ourselves in a
better way and forgive ourselvesand stop feeling so awful about
ourselves.
Because when we can stop hatingourselves, we can allow the
(27:08):
thought that others hate us.
It is not the reality.
The perception that we thinkothers have of us is not the
reality.
It's what we tell ourselves.
Others have of us is not thereality.
It's what we tell ourselves.
So through this practice, youcan change the narrative in your
head and there's many thingsthat you can do different
modalities, eft tapping, somaticwork, inner child work these
(27:34):
are all things that I had to dofor myself and they really
really do help.
It's not just about decidingthat you're going to put down
the drink or stop overeating orchange a bad habit in your life.
There are a lot of things thatyou have to do to take action to
create the change for yourself.
(27:55):
And again I'll go back to whatI said in the beginning you have
to change yourself beforeanything in your life is going
to change.
You have no control over theoutcome of something, how
somebody else thinks about youor really, ultimately, anything
(28:16):
that happens in our lives,anything that happens in our
lives.
So we have to surrender, letthat go and understand how to
navigate life in a different wayin those ups and downs, and
learn it as a guidance or aframe of reference, a learning
(28:37):
tool, so, again, that we canreact or respond to life in a
different way.
So there's just so manypractices and so many ways that
we can shift how that we thinkso we can live a better, more
productive, peaceful, joyfullife and feel comfortable in
(29:01):
that.
Shelby (29:02):
You're so right and you touched on so many important
things that I could just kind ofriff on forever, but one of the
important things that I pickedup on is the fact that we do
have to make changes to ourthinking patterns, because that
is where the center of all ofthis starts, right.
(29:23):
So the drinking and the drugs.
We know, if you've been aroundlong enough, if those are just
symptoms of a greater problem,that's what we were using or
taking in order to, like,relieve ourselves.
That was our medicine.
We thought it was anyway, andso, that being said, then that
means we there is a disease or asituation that's happening
inside of us that needsattention, that in a different
(29:46):
way, and so that way is what youjust talked about, which those
practices are are beautiful.
Thanks for sharing.
It sounds like you are superspiritually connected, which I
know is a very powerful way formost of us to feel at peace and
comforted throughout thisprocess and then our own healing
journey, and that can look alot of different ways depending
on you know where you're comingfrom or who you are.
Marci (30:07):
Yeah.
Shelby (30:07):
And then also being able to shift out, like you
highlighted, a lot of theresults of that work too, which
are so important.
Thank you for doing that One ofwhich is the ability to forgive
ourselves, which is so, um, itsounds like such a simple
concept, actually is a simpleconcept, but it's very
challenging for most of us topersonally do.
(30:29):
You know, it's a lot of timesit's easier for us to do that
for other people.
Like you can forgive somebodywho's harmed you, you can work
with, you know, a sponsor or atherapist or, um, some kind of a
practitioner to help you kindof do that practice, but then,
when we turn it on ourselves,that somehow seems very
unnatural or impossible, even,or something.
(30:50):
But it's not.
And the best thing aboutsticking with these things that
you're sharing and that'sexactly the way I teach, you
know, we talk a lot about habits, we talk about thought
processes, I talk about corevalues and then also
spirituality.
So when we put all these thingstogether in a package and we
consistently do things the sameexact way every single day, over
(31:12):
time, we get that hugetransformation.
And that's the amazing part ofhealing healing, really and we
get to go from this one, thisone way, this this kind of, like
you said, a shell of a person,this sort of un?
Um, not like immature, but notlike that way.
You know it's just likeunderdeveloped, maybe human, to
(31:34):
this like fully developed,evolved, adult.
You know that gets to likelearn emotional sobriety and
practice like emotional maturity, which I think is one of the
major blessings of being analcoholic.
I use that word regularly.
It doesn't bother me or offendme, so like that's the kind of
term I talk about myself, that'swhat I believe that I am.
(31:55):
Other people don't like thatterm, that's fine, you can tell.
You use whatever you want ordon't use anything at all, I
don't care.
But one of the blessings that Ibelieve about, about the issue
that I have with substance abuseand then where I am today, is
that I have this entire program,pools, whitlet people in my
life to help me make thosechanges, whereas regular people,
(32:18):
normies, whatever we want tocall them, people who don't have
a problem with substance use,don't get the benefit of having
that at the forefront.
Right, they can do the samework, right they?
Can do things, but they don'thave like a life-threatening
situation that makes them do it.
Marci (32:32):
Right and so.
Shelby (32:33):
I always feel like you know, like Laura McGowan's book
is called, we are the luckiestand I just, I always think of
that so often because we reallyare like we are.
Marci (32:41):
I have always thought to be so lucky to have gone through
the 12 step program becauseotherwise I would have never
healed in the way that I did andcontinue to do and change in my
life.
And one thing about myself iseverything was around a man
accepting me, the job that I hadand where I was going to get my
(33:06):
next drink right.
Everything I did was around theparty or the drink or a
restaurant with alcohol.
I couldn't go to a restaurantwithout alcohol right, I had to
have my glass of wine withdinner.
And so now it's just like youdo.
You just evolve in such adifferent way and you become so
curious.
And one of the things I heardand it really makes sense is
(33:30):
that you kind of, when you putdown the substance or whatever
it is and you start trying toheal, you're stuck where their
trauma started.
So it's kind of like, yeah, Igrew up, but my 12-year-old self
(33:50):
was still there waiting toevolve and become the person I
was supposed to be in this life.
Yeah, and I will say also thatI'm grateful to have gone
through it because now I canhelp others, hopefully, that are
going through it.
That's one of the things thatthere's a few things I share in
(34:12):
my book.
I have a toolbox in there forall those in recovery,
especially that first year allthe things that we learn in the
12-step program to help us, andthen also what I learned in each
step.
My book is not necessarily justfor those in recovery, because
(34:33):
it's so much about how we canshift our mindset and heal from
things that have happened in ourpast and move through the fear
and start living our truepurpose in life and what brings
us our happiness and what thatlooks like, what these practices
(34:54):
are.
So you know I'm very gratefulto have my book and I just want
to say, if anybody wants to goto my website,
wakeupwithmarcicom, if you putin your email, I have a free
morning routine that I can sendyou, and I always say you may
(35:14):
see a morning routine that has12 things on there, but you can
combine a lot of those too.
So, like, if you need to walkyour dog in the morning, use
that time to do a walkingmeditation.
Right, meditation was huge.
Meditation is a way to connectwith your inner being, to
connect to your higher source,to your intuition.
(35:35):
So these are all reallyimportant things and there's
different ways that you can doit.
I have a YouTube video that's10 minutes that I still listen
to almost every morning andthat's Connect with God and it's
no denominational God type ofthing, it's just about really
connecting energetically withsource.
(35:56):
So you know, there's just a lotof beautiful practices that you
can start easing into to helpyou create some change into your
life for the better.
Shelby (36:07):
That's awesome, yeah, and thank you so much for
sharing your book as a resource.
We'll make sure we link to thatand your website and the show
notes so people can go there.
And you know, I don't think wecan ever hear about these things
and not like no matter how longwe've been around.
You know there's ages andstages bring different needs.
You know, I got sober kind of awhile ago and so I was a really
(36:30):
different person than in mylater 20s.
And then I became a mom.
I went through all of those momyears with three babies who are
, you know, four years withinfour years, and then and then
kind of now, and then all theteenage years, so like that
stage brought a whole notherdevelopment Plus.
Then I was aging, you know,like now this like sort of older
(36:50):
woman with older children, likeit's so we when we need
different things at those things, so it's always a great idea to
be exposed to multipletoolboxes, right?
Because because what worked forus, maybe when we were younger,
maybe just doesn't really seemto fit right now, or it's not
just meeting the need you have.
And so being open-minded, Ithink, and willing to listen to
(37:17):
other people's habits androutines and the things that
they do, is a great skill,because we might just have
something in there and be likeoh, you know, I like that, or
well, I've never heard it saidthat way and you know, that's
how we, when we remainopen-minded to everybody that
we're interacting with which isa beautiful thing about being in
recovery.
You know we become it's aself-centered disease, so you
know when we are, when we stayin recovery for a long time the
(37:39):
way you and I have done and donethis work you become way it's a
humbling experience and becomeway less well.
We, that's, we would hope thatwe become way less self-centered
, right, yeah, and also when wewere doing the work, when you're
in the steps or you're in aprogram, or you're in a
situation where you are working,you're you become aware of
those times when you're likelike I think maybe I was being a
(38:03):
little self-centered or likewhat was my part in this, you
know?
or like you have an interviewwith a spouse or a friend or
somebody coworker, where itbecomes very, you know, reactive
or inflammatory, or you canfeel that kind of bubbling up in
yourself Like that's a clue youknow, so.
But we didn't.
We couldn't do that, you know,many years ago.
But now we have the skills tobe like that's a clue and like
(38:24):
we can literally stop ourselvesand we might not know right away
, but we can ask really goodquestions and say, like what is
going on with me right now, likewhat is really bothering me
about this situation.
Marci (38:34):
It's really amazing because I want to touch on that.
And then one other thing I justwanted to bring up really quick
that was going on with me for alot of women out there being
able to.
You may still react tosomething, but the reality is is
you can walk away andimmediately say wow, I really
(38:54):
overreacted in that instead ofcontinuing to fuel it and just
try to be right.
And there was a time wherethere was a woman that said
something and it really hurt myfeelings and I was able to step
back and I said why am I feelingthis way Before?
(39:16):
I would have just never talkedto that woman again like I
thought she was horrible, butthe reality is it was something
inside of me I was fearful aboutand it created a change for
myself because I was able to dothat inventory.
The other thing I wanted to talkabout real quickly is that when
my drinking got to an all-timehigh, I was going through
(39:38):
perimenopause and I felt like myworld was falling apart.
So if you are out there and youare feeling like you are in the
darkest place the depressionyou feel like life is falling
apart around you and yourdrinking is starting to elevate
and you are 40 plus.
Please remind yourself that youmay be going through
(40:02):
perimenopause and you need helpin other ways, and it's not your
fault.
This is a real chemicalimbalance is happening within us
and it creates this, this ideathat everything is falling apart
around us.
And if we had bad PMS and wedidn't feel right around that
(40:27):
time, it's just amplified ahundred percent.
You know when you're goingthrough perimenopause, about how
you feel about yourself and howyou feel that others are
perceiving you.
Shelby (40:39):
I'm going to be 50 this year, so I'm definitely in that,
definitely in the throes of allof that, and have done a lot of
research and spend a lot oftime on how I can do this.
Well, I will definitely say it'snot like you may be going
through perimenopause.
You are because after 35, itstarts, so all of us are in a
change, no matter what, and sothat change is happening.
(41:01):
Now.
Your symptoms may or may not betotally from that, but it is
happening to your body, so forsure, that's a whole other
episode.
Marci (41:08):
So I really appreciate you bringing that up, yeah, and
body so for sure.
That's a whole other episode.
So I really appreciate youbringing that up, yeah, and I
just wanted to say that ifyou're drinking is elevating,
it's just something that I'verecognized, that it was a part
of my decline.
Shelby (41:19):
Yes, one thing I learned about a year ago in relation to
my own, you know, kind ofmental health and wellness, and
I should have known this.
I'm a therapist, I've beenstudying this stuff for a long
time, but I that our serotoninlevels go down with us as our,
as our estrogen decreases.
That creates ADHD symptoms tobe inflamed.
It creates more anxiety,depression, and so I was like,
(41:42):
wow, I didn't even know thatlittle fact.
So when things do feel like, wow, this is way more.
I used to have these symptoms,but now it's like way more a lot
has to do with our estrogenlevels and that serotonin and
other chemical changes.
So be, corrected with thingslike nutrition, lots of
nutraceuticals and food.
So it doesn't mean you likeneed medication.
(42:04):
I mean you might, and that'sokay too, but you can also do a
lot of other things.
Marci (42:08):
So well, thank you so much for being here today with
me.
Shelby (42:13):
This has been a great conversation.
I can definitely see us kind ofcoming back together and
sharing more.
Thank you for sharing your bookwith us.
I'll make sure it's linkedbelow, and is there any place
that you hang out the most whereyou'd like people to reach out
if they want to talk to you?
Marci (42:26):
Sure, you know, please come to Instagram, wake up with
Marcy, but I will tell youeverything is wake up with Marcy
, okay.
Shelby (42:33):
So thank you so much and I'll link it all below, and I
hope you have a fantastic day.
Marci (42:39):
Thank you, you too, thanks for having me.
Shelby (42:41):
You're welcome.
Thank you for joining me forthis week's episode of confident
, sober women.
If you you enjoyed thisconversation, hit the subscribe
button above so you won't missany upcoming episodes.
And, hey, if you really lovedit, leave me a review.
You can learn more about theSober Freedom Inner Circle
(43:01):
membership atwwwshelbyjohncoachingcom.
Forward slash inner circle.
See you next time.
Hello and welcome to the Confident Sober Women podcast.
I'm your guide, shelby John.
I'm the mother of three, wifeto one, and sober since July 1st
2002.
As sober women, we havesomething huge in common, and
when we share our lives and ourstories with each other, we feel
that sense of belonging andconnection.
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Well, hey there, marci, thankyou so much for joining me today
for the Confident Sober Womenpodcast.
(02:19):
I'm so excited to have you herewith me and just have a
phenomenal conversation.
Introduce you to my community.
So I'm going to turn the micover to you and let you share a
little bit more about your story, and then we're going to chat.
Marci (02:32):
Okay, thank you so much for having me first off.
I've been sober almost 10 yearsnow and it's truly changed my
life.
I came from a lot of abusethroughout my life and I turned
to alcohol to cope and it workedfor a lot of years.
It was a daily practice for meand it fluctuated through that
(02:59):
time but towards the end, formany reasons, it got really,
really bad and I had to make ahuge decision to stop.
I will say, once I stopped, Iwas able to really dive deep and
heal from my past, which I hadtried therapy, which therapy is
great, but I was drinking allthe while and so I really wasn't
(03:22):
facing what I needed to face.
And I got sober through AA.
Those 12 steps have beenlife-saving for me really doing
the work, diving deep as to howothers harmed me, how I
personally had a role in it, anddiscovering that, how I
(03:47):
personally had a role in it, anddiscovering that I think you
cannot create change if you donot see your role and because
the only thing we can change isourselves, turning myself over
to my higher power, being ofservice.
There's so many things that youlearn learn through the program
and making amends to those thatyou harm and even continuing
that throughout your life.
(04:09):
So with this I was able toreally find who I was.
I lost myself when my sexualabuse started at 12 years old by
my stepfather, and I lost thegirl with the dreams.
I lost the girl with theambition and I then became the
(04:30):
victim and I was looking toothers for validation and I lost
myself.
I became a chameleon and so,with my sobriety, I started
going within and it was throughthat that I found self-love, the
passion that I had, what wasimportant to me, and really
(04:50):
connecting with myself and doinga lot of inner child work to
create the change for me.
And that's where I discoveredthat, through my service, I
wanted to give back throughmedia, because my background is
in media.
I've worked in television all mylife.
I had gotten in front of thecamera in my 40s and a seed was
(05:14):
planted for me and God guided meto start a talk show called
Wake Up with Marci Wake Up WithMarci and my platform was all
about sharing stories ofinspiration, transformation and
empowerment, to share hope andlet people know that they were
not alone and to also navigatethese difficulties that we have
(05:41):
in life, because we all havethem in different ways, but we
all face the same, whether it'sgrief, divorce, abuse, mental
health, wellness.
So I have done that for thelast seven years and it's been
incredible creating thistelevision show, creating this
platform to help others, andthrough this journey I've helped
(06:02):
myself, I've grown and I'velearned so much and I continue
healing and thriving.
And I wrote a book Chaos toClarity Seeing the Signs and
Breaking the Cycles which mylife was chaos, and I found
clarity through my healingjourney.
And seeing the signs is seeingthe signs and guidance from the
(06:24):
other side and breakinggenerational cycles.
I've had a lot of success withthe book.
I'm so grateful for thatbecause really my ambition is to
create change in the world andfor others, and we do that one
person and one story at a time,and so I'm just grateful to be
(06:46):
here.
I created a course with allthat I've learned.
I'm very excited aboutlaunching that and motivational
speaker and just trying to helpothers.
That's just where I'm at rightnow.
Shelby (06:59):
Thank you so much, marci , for sharing all that and for
being so vulnerable and honest.
Marcy, for sharing all that andfor being so vulnerable and
honest.
It's sometimes it's superpainful to kind of open up about
the the most vulnerable partsof us.
You know those, those damagedparts, those scary, shameful
parts that you know we gothrough and um, but you're right
, when we do this kind of work,however, we want to do it.
(07:21):
Not everybody wants to share allof their things or write a book
, but we usually can find waysto share our experiences, even
if we don't go into all thedetails.
However, we do that.
It is how this works.
It is how we spread the messageof hope.
Right, that's what we're taughtkind of when we get and stay
sober for a long time, like weget to be somebody else's kind
(07:43):
of light into what it's like tolive alcohol and drug free.
So, um, thank you so much forthat.
I really like how you were ableto to share um, or I picked up
very clearly that you talkedabout you lost yourself and I
think that's experience, that ifyou talk to lots of other
(08:03):
people who struggle withsubstances, it's probably
something that they would alsosay.
Sometimes I wonder for some ofus, I mean, when you're a child,
we probably do have, we dounderstand some parts of
ourselves.
But I think for a lot of us wemaybe never even did know
ourselves you know, but forthose, but you said that you
(08:26):
said you lost yourself when,when things started with the
abuse and I'm just curious ifyou can say a little bit more
around kind of that piece ofthings what you kind of noticed
happened from like who you kindof thought you were, who you
were to yourself at that youngerversion, then kind of what
happened to like who you sort ofbecame, or like what your
(08:47):
identity sort of shifted into,maybe even throughout active
addiction.
And then I'd love to get to theother side.
Marci (08:54):
Yeah, so well, as you can imagine, there's there's that's
a really heavy question, causethere was there's a lot of
evolution from 12 to 47 when Istopped drinking.
But when you have a majortrauma happen, it changes how
you think and it changes how youbelieve those around you love
(09:18):
you, your worth, how peopleperceive you.
And so how did I lose myself?
I started failing out of school, I didn't feel safe in my home.
I wanted to end my life.
I mean, I thought there was noway out.
I mean, how does a young childleave an abusive situation,
whatever that abusive situationis?
(09:39):
So I had to find my way throughthat and thankfully I did not
end my life.
I found the strength thank Godthat I did not but what I
started to do was feel more of ashell of a person.
I had no drive within me topursue and do anything in school
(10:05):
, make good grades.
It was all about, well, I guess, that boys just like you, if
you look pretty on the outside,if you give yourself in some
sort of sexual way.
So I lost a girl with valuesand drive and the dreams that
(10:25):
you would have.
And so throughout high school Iwas in really bad relationships
and long relationships andalways staying in bad
relationships because I knewnothing more than somebody
treating you poorly and feelingsafe wasn't normal.
(10:46):
So if you're used to chaos, youput yourself in chaotic
situations.
After I graduated high school, Itried college, but again, I
didn't really have a lot ofdrive.
I didn't know what I wanted todo.
I didn't really know any worth.
I didn't know of a lot of drive.
I didn't know what I wanted todo.
I didn't really know any worth.
(11:06):
I didn't know of any worth formyself.
I didn't know what I wanted todo, if I could do anything.
So my grandmother actually tookme for some testing because I
went off to college but I triedthree different colleges and it
was really an escape for me.
It was a way for me to get awayfrom my mother and my life and
(11:29):
I would just fall into the partyscene and just escape.
It was just a way to get away.
And so when I went for thistesting, I started by
identifying like, what was Igood at, what were my interests?
And a lot of that was aroundcreativity.
I have a very creative mind.
(11:50):
That's where I thrive, that'swhere I love to be, and so that
was recognized throughout thistesting and there were colleges
that were brought up that theythought that I would do best at
and for me I needed a smaller,structured school.
(12:10):
So I ended up going to the ArtInstitute of Houston.
I went for radio and musicbusiness and I started my path
in TV.
I started interning.
I lived in Houston, texas.
I started at Paramount 20.
And that's where I discoveredtelevision and I was like maybe
(12:31):
I could do this, maybe I coulddo this, but I still was
drinking.
I was still in badrelationships.
I had the mindset of creatingchange in my life.
If I changed the person and thecircumstance, the place I was,
that my life would be better,but the realization I was taking
(12:52):
myself wherever I went.
So it may have started good,but then it would just crumble
because of the drinking and thefighting and me reacting and I
didn't know how to communicate.
There was no communication inmy home.
So I ended up working for I'lljust jump to it I ended up
(13:14):
working to Fox Cable Group.
I ended up thriving.
I was rising the ranks.
I ended up in operations andcontract work.
They ended up hiring me.
I ended up in programming.
I ended up being the programmanager for Fox Rocky Mountain,
I moved to Denver and then Imoved to LA and ultimately I
(13:35):
became the director of on-airpromotions for FX and I ended up
meeting my husband, and thiswas in California.
And so you can thrive within thechaos, right, I was living and
thriving and surviving, but allthe while there was the current
(13:58):
of the pain that was goingthrough me, pulsing through me
all throughout that time.
So, while my husband and Iformed this great relationship,
we ended up getting married.
There was still fighting, therewas still drinking, there was
(14:18):
still difficulty, because Iagain, at that time, I didn't
know how to manage or deal withanything outside of yelling,
outside of reacting to it,outside of being a victim, right
.
So we ended up getting married.
I ended up retiring from Fox,we had our babies, we moved to
(14:43):
New Jersey and when my kidsstarted getting a little older,
I ended up doing a fashion show,and it prompted a dream I had
for me to pursue that when I wasback in my teen years.
I wanted to be a model, and soI decided to go after commercial
(15:05):
, print, commercial, acting.
I was 25 miles from New York,so it was something I could do.
I felt I could do.
But it was really, reallydifficult to be a full-time
mother, because I didn't want toabandon my kids.
I never wanted them to feel theway that I felt, so I tried to
(15:25):
be there for them.
To be a full-time mom, also,while trying to pursue this
career of being in front of thecamera and learning.
When I throw myself intosomething, I go full throttle.
I want to be the best at itthat I can be, and my husband
traveled all the time, so Ibasically was raising the kids
(15:45):
on my own.
So it was really, really hard.
And, yet again, I was drinkingevery day, and so it was like
that wine culture that peopletalk about.
Every time at 5 o'clock Icouldn't wait for my glass of
wine and start the process ofcooking dinner and all of that.
And but when I was in front ofthe camera, all of my demons,
(16:11):
the that I had pushed down,started coming up the not
feeling worthy, not havingself-confidence uh, imposter
syndrome, feeling judged all ofthe time.
And the way that I responded tothat was by drinking more,
because I started using wine asmy liquid courage.
(16:34):
So, while everything looksgreat from the outside, I was
crumbling.
I was crumbling, life wascrumbling.
My relationship with my husbandwas crumbling.
I was full of hatred.
I thought I wanted a divorce.
I thought I wanted out ofeverything.
(16:55):
I knew that my drinking wasgetting to a bad place, and so
this is where the biggest partof my downfall happened and the
biggest part of my evolutionhappened.
So I knew that my drinking wasgetting to a bad place.
(17:16):
My mother was an alcoholic.
She had been in and out ofrehabs, in and out of jail I
mean it was bad.
So I was always comparingmyself to my mom.
I hadn't gotten to that placeright, but I knew that it still
didn't seem right.
So I did end up in the 12-stepprogram, but then I started
(17:37):
comparing myself to other peoplein the rooms and I'm like, wait
a minute, my story is not thatbad.
And that's the worst thing youcan do is compare yourself to
others in the room, because weall have our own story.
So I convinced myself afterthree months of not drinking
that I was not an alcoholic andso I went back out.
(17:58):
I started slowly drinking untilit started really evolving and,
like I told you, during thattime I started pursuing this.
So my drinking got worse andworse and so ultimately, towards
the end, I started hiding mydrinking.
I was very resentful to myhusband.
(18:21):
I just thought he couldn't havefun.
I thought that I could only bemyself when I was drinking.
I didn't know who to be, alwaystrying to find myself, and I
thought, oh, this fun girl whenI drink, that's who I am.
I drink, that's who I am.
(18:46):
And my last day of drinking wasOctober 3rd 2015.
And I'd gone for a gig, amodeling gig.
I took my liquid courage withme and I had convinced myself
that I didn't need it.
But I ended up in the wrongplace.
And so I was in this harriedstate trying to get to where I
was supposed to be and make mycall time, and I started
(19:07):
drinking and the drinking gotout of control.
I went out with my girlfriendafterwards and ultimately I
ended up getting a DUI.
And I went to bed that night inenraged that my husband got me
Somehow.
I thought I was going to hidethis, that if my friend came and
got me I would never be foundout.
(19:27):
So I went to bed angry and avictim.
And I woke up the next morningand God stepped in and I knew I
had to surrender.
And that's the thing about thishorrible disease is that you
have to decide yourself that youare ready, and it's only when
you are ready that you can startcreating.
Shelby (19:48):
The change was the catalyst of me beginning to
evolve and find myself that girlthat I had lost so many years
(20:08):
before.
I love that and I think that'sbasically the jumping off place
for most of us.
We land, it doesn't feel likethat and it's not glamorous.
Usually it doesn't feel good,but once we start to get a
little bit more clarity, when westay sober longer, we start to
see like oh wow, here was theinflection point.
Right here was that jumping offplace where I got to decide do I
(20:29):
want to make these big changesin my life or not?
But again, at the consciouslevel, we're not really thinking
about that.
It's really just how do I getout of trouble or how can I make
this better or make my husbandnot leave, or whatever is going
on at the time.
But then when we stay sober fora long time, particularly after
that first year or so becausethe first year of sobriety is
usually pretty challenging formost of us who are really
(20:49):
problematic drinkers we havelike an awakening, like there's
this awakening that starts tohappen, the clarity that comes
from around that one year, oneto five year mark, and most of
the people I talk to will canrelate to that as well.
And I'm curious for you,because something that I find is
very fascinating and I havepersonal experience with, and
(21:11):
just even sometimes still attimes is that, like because you
talked about chaos and that's aword I use a lot in my work as
well and because I used to saythings like I got sober in 2002.
So it was kind of a long timeago.
I got sober in AA as well,because we didn't have anything
else and I realized that I livedmy whole life in I used to say
(21:32):
in constant chaos, but now Iknow it's probably was anxiety.
We didn't call it that backthen.
So I but I agree with you.
You know, like we like that,like there's a dopamine hit that
comes with that for a lot of us.
Plus I have ADHD, so thatdoesn't help either, and so you
know, I'm curious if you whatyour experience was like when
you, because when we live inthat most people who are like
(21:54):
that you learn there are partsof us that like it.
You know there is a drive thatcomes with the chaos and it
doesn't always seem healthy, butI think it can be at times.
But anyway, on that other side,as you started to evolve
through that first year or so ofsobriety, I'm curious, like for
you, how did you manage nothaving like that as much?
(22:18):
Because that can be actuallyunnerving for a lot of us
because we don't like that's acoping skill, like we think that
that's the glue that's keepingus together, like that constant,
like chaotic experience, and sothen when you take it away it
can feel very mundane and kindof rote and a little boring, a
little bit, you know.
Know, like life, you know.
(22:38):
And so I'm curious if youexperienced that at all.
Marci (22:42):
Well, right, we live in a place of fight or flight and
always protecting ourselves, andit is all connected to our
nervous system and we think thatwe don't want it, but we know
nothing else.
So that's the comfort level.
(23:03):
So, if there is any peace, Imean, I remember having times of
just sitting there in peace Ididn't know to call it peace at
that time just quiet, and Iwould start trying to create
some chaos, you know, liketension, tension, I just needed
it, even though I said I didn'twant it.
(23:24):
So how did I start to createthe change?
Well, I had to start changingdaily habits.
I had to create routines formyself.
I had to shift my mindset.
I had to rewire my brain and mythinking, because our brains
(23:45):
are sick.
We have rewired our brainsbecause we can't handle the
amount of dopamine hits thatwe're getting from the alcohol
or the constant anxiety thatwe're living in, and so we've
(24:07):
got to find ways to shift thatand recreate how our brain is
thinking.
And so, for me, I started withpractices like gratitude, like
gratitude, praying to God andthose were really big things for
(24:28):
me and going into nature andfinding ways to connect with
myself and connect to my higherpower.
And so I think, once I startedshifting out of a place of lack
and feeling sorry for myself allthe time which it's easy to do
we sit there and say, well,nothing ever good happens in my
(24:50):
life, or I always attract thewrong person, or you know just,
my car always breaks down,everything bad always happens to
me.
I mean, and if we think thatway, that's what we are going to
attract in our lives.
So when we start a gratitudepractice which I know it can be
hard if we're not happy in ourlives to be grateful, so you
(25:11):
have to start really small.
If it's just the warm bed thatyou are in, if it's the shower
that you can take, if it's thecup of coffee that you can have
in the morning, there are things.
We have clothes, we have a roofover our head.
There's so many things to begrateful for.
It's just restructuring how wethink about it.
(25:33):
We always think about beinggrateful if we have a good
relationship or if we have a jobthat we want, or if we have the
car that we want in thedriveway, but there's really so
many beautiful things in ourlives.
So once I started looking atlife that way and for me.
I asked Jesus to save me thatif he would lead my way and I be
(26:04):
my shepherd, that I would behis lamb and I would do his work
.
And for so many of us, I mean,that could be anything.
It could be nature, it could bethe universe, it could be a
divine power.
Whatever it is, but knowingsomething bigger than you is out
there and your choices are notalways the best for yourself.
(26:24):
So being able to lean onsomething bigger than myself and
trust that really helped mealso.
And also a big thing, when westart to go in a grateful
mindset and we start to forgiveourselves and take ourselves out
(26:45):
of the shame and the guilt andthe hate for ourselves and hate
for others, we are able to thenconnect with ourselves in a
better way and forgive ourselvesand stop feeling so awful about
ourselves.
Because when we can stop hatingourselves, we can allow the
(27:08):
thought that others hate us.
It is not the reality.
The perception that we thinkothers have of us is not the
reality.
It's what we tell ourselves.
Others have of us is not thereality.
It's what we tell ourselves.
So through this practice, youcan change the narrative in your
head and there's many thingsthat you can do different
modalities, eft tapping, somaticwork, inner child work these
(27:34):
are all things that I had to dofor myself and they really
really do help.
It's not just about decidingthat you're going to put down
the drink or stop overeating orchange a bad habit in your life.
There are a lot of things thatyou have to do to take action to
create the change for yourself.
(27:55):
And again I'll go back to whatI said in the beginning you have
to change yourself beforeanything in your life is going
to change.
You have no control over theoutcome of something, how
somebody else thinks about youor really, ultimately, anything
(28:16):
that happens in our lives,anything that happens in our
lives.
So we have to surrender, letthat go and understand how to
navigate life in a different wayin those ups and downs, and
learn it as a guidance or aframe of reference, a learning
(28:37):
tool, so, again, that we canreact or respond to life in a
different way.
So there's just so manypractices and so many ways that
we can shift how that we thinkso we can live a better, more
productive, peaceful, joyfullife and feel comfortable in
(29:01):
that.
Shelby (29:02):
You're so right and you touched on so many important
things that I could just kind ofriff on forever, but one of the
important things that I pickedup on is the fact that we do
have to make changes to ourthinking patterns, because that
is where the center of all ofthis starts, right.
(29:23):
So the drinking and the drugs.
We know, if you've been aroundlong enough, if those are just
symptoms of a greater problem,that's what we were using or
taking in order to, like,relieve ourselves.
That was our medicine.
We thought it was anyway, andso, that being said, then that
means we there is a disease or asituation that's happening
inside of us that needsattention, that in a different
(29:46):
way, and so that way is what youjust talked about, which those
practices are are beautiful.
Thanks for sharing.
It sounds like you are superspiritually connected, which I
know is a very powerful way formost of us to feel at peace and
comforted throughout thisprocess and then our own healing
journey, and that can look alot of different ways depending
on you know where you're comingfrom or who you are.
Marci (30:07):
Yeah.
Shelby (30:07):
And then also being able to shift out, like you
highlighted, a lot of theresults of that work too, which
are so important.
Thank you for doing that One ofwhich is the ability to forgive
ourselves, which is so, um, itsounds like such a simple
concept, actually is a simpleconcept, but it's very
challenging for most of us topersonally do.
(30:29):
You know, it's a lot of timesit's easier for us to do that
for other people.
Like you can forgive somebodywho's harmed you, you can work
with, you know, a sponsor or atherapist or, um, some kind of a
practitioner to help you kindof do that practice, but then,
when we turn it on ourselves,that somehow seems very
unnatural or impossible, even,or something.
(30:50):
But it's not.
And the best thing aboutsticking with these things that
you're sharing and that'sexactly the way I teach, you
know, we talk a lot about habits, we talk about thought
processes, I talk about corevalues and then also
spirituality.
So when we put all these thingstogether in a package and we
consistently do things the sameexact way every single day, over
(31:12):
time, we get that hugetransformation.
And that's the amazing part ofhealing healing, really and we
get to go from this one, thisone way, this this kind of, like
you said, a shell of a person,this sort of un?
Um, not like immature, but notlike that way.
You know it's just likeunderdeveloped, maybe human, to
(31:34):
this like fully developed,evolved, adult.
You know that gets to likelearn emotional sobriety and
practice like emotional maturity, which I think is one of the
major blessings of being analcoholic.
I use that word regularly.
It doesn't bother me or offendme, so like that's the kind of
term I talk about myself, that'swhat I believe that I am.
(31:55):
Other people don't like thatterm, that's fine, you can tell.
You use whatever you want ordon't use anything at all, I
don't care.
But one of the blessings that Ibelieve about, about the issue
that I have with substance abuseand then where I am today, is
that I have this entire program,pools, whitlet people in my
life to help me make thosechanges, whereas regular people,
(32:18):
normies, whatever we want tocall them, people who don't have
a problem with substance use,don't get the benefit of having
that at the forefront.
Right, they can do the samework, right they?
Can do things, but they don'thave like a life-threatening
situation that makes them do it.
Marci (32:32):
Right and so.
Shelby (32:33):
I always feel like you know, like Laura McGowan's book
is called, we are the luckiestand I just, I always think of
that so often because we reallyare like we are.
Marci (32:41):
I have always thought to be so lucky to have gone through
the 12 step program becauseotherwise I would have never
healed in the way that I did andcontinue to do and change in my
life.
And one thing about myself iseverything was around a man
accepting me, the job that I hadand where I was going to get my
(33:06):
next drink right.
Everything I did was around theparty or the drink or a
restaurant with alcohol.
I couldn't go to a restaurantwithout alcohol right, I had to
have my glass of wine withdinner.
And so now it's just like youdo.
You just evolve in such adifferent way and you become so
curious.
And one of the things I heardand it really makes sense is
(33:30):
that you kind of, when you putdown the substance or whatever
it is and you start trying toheal, you're stuck where their
trauma started.
So it's kind of like, yeah, Igrew up, but my 12-year-old self
(33:50):
was still there waiting toevolve and become the person I
was supposed to be in this life.
Yeah, and I will say also thatI'm grateful to have gone
through it because now I canhelp others, hopefully, that are
going through it.
That's one of the things thatthere's a few things I share in
(34:12):
my book.
I have a toolbox in there forall those in recovery,
especially that first year allthe things that we learn in the
12-step program to help us, andthen also what I learned in each
step.
My book is not necessarily justfor those in recovery, because
(34:33):
it's so much about how we canshift our mindset and heal from
things that have happened in ourpast and move through the fear
and start living our truepurpose in life and what brings
us our happiness and what thatlooks like, what these practices
(34:54):
are.
So you know I'm very gratefulto have my book and I just want
to say, if anybody wants to goto my website,
wakeupwithmarcicom, if you putin your email, I have a free
morning routine that I can sendyou, and I always say you may
(35:14):
see a morning routine that has12 things on there, but you can
combine a lot of those too.
So, like, if you need to walkyour dog in the morning, use
that time to do a walkingmeditation.
Right, meditation was huge.
Meditation is a way to connectwith your inner being, to
connect to your higher source,to your intuition.
(35:35):
So these are all reallyimportant things and there's
different ways that you can doit.
I have a YouTube video that's10 minutes that I still listen
to almost every morning andthat's Connect with God and it's
no denominational God type ofthing, it's just about really
connecting energetically withsource.
(35:56):
So you know, there's just a lotof beautiful practices that you
can start easing into to helpyou create some change into your
life for the better.
Shelby (36:07):
That's awesome, yeah, and thank you so much for
sharing your book as a resource.
We'll make sure we link to thatand your website and the show
notes so people can go there.
And you know, I don't think wecan ever hear about these things
and not like no matter how longwe've been around.
You know there's ages andstages bring different needs.
You know, I got sober kind of awhile ago and so I was a really
(36:30):
different person than in mylater 20s.
And then I became a mom.
I went through all of those momyears with three babies who are
, you know, four years withinfour years, and then and then
kind of now, and then all theteenage years, so like that
stage brought a whole notherdevelopment Plus.
Then I was aging, you know,like now this like sort of older
(36:50):
woman with older children, likeit's so we when we need
different things at those things, so it's always a great idea to
be exposed to multipletoolboxes, right?
Because because what worked forus, maybe when we were younger,
maybe just doesn't really seemto fit right now, or it's not
just meeting the need you have.
And so being open-minded, Ithink, and willing to listen to
(37:17):
other people's habits androutines and the things that
they do, is a great skill,because we might just have
something in there and be likeoh, you know, I like that, or
well, I've never heard it saidthat way and you know, that's
how we, when we remainopen-minded to everybody that
we're interacting with which isa beautiful thing about being in
recovery.
You know we become it's aself-centered disease, so you
know when we are, when we stayin recovery for a long time the
(37:39):
way you and I have done and donethis work you become way it's a
humbling experience and becomeway less well.
We, that's, we would hope thatwe become way less self-centered
, right, yeah, and also when wewere doing the work, when you're
in the steps or you're in aprogram, or you're in a
situation where you are working,you're you become aware of
those times when you're likelike I think maybe I was being a
(38:03):
little self-centered or likewhat was my part in this, you
know?
or like you have an interviewwith a spouse or a friend or
somebody coworker, where itbecomes very, you know, reactive
or inflammatory, or you canfeel that kind of bubbling up in
yourself Like that's a clue youknow, so.
But we didn't.
We couldn't do that, you know,many years ago.
But now we have the skills tobe like that's a clue and like
(38:24):
we can literally stop ourselvesand we might not know right away
, but we can ask really goodquestions and say, like what is
going on with me right now, likewhat is really bothering me
about this situation.
Marci (38:34):
It's really amazing because I want to touch on that.
And then one other thing I justwanted to bring up really quick
that was going on with me for alot of women out there being
able to.
You may still react tosomething, but the reality is is
you can walk away andimmediately say wow, I really
(38:54):
overreacted in that instead ofcontinuing to fuel it and just
try to be right.
And there was a time wherethere was a woman that said
something and it really hurt myfeelings and I was able to step
back and I said why am I feelingthis way Before?
(39:16):
I would have just never talkedto that woman again like I
thought she was horrible, butthe reality is it was something
inside of me I was fearful aboutand it created a change for
myself because I was able to dothat inventory.
The other thing I wanted to talkabout real quickly is that when
my drinking got to an all-timehigh, I was going through
(39:38):
perimenopause and I felt like myworld was falling apart.
So if you are out there and youare feeling like you are in the
darkest place the depressionyou feel like life is falling
apart around you and yourdrinking is starting to elevate
and you are 40 plus.
Please remind yourself that youmay be going through
(40:02):
perimenopause and you need helpin other ways, and it's not your
fault.
This is a real chemicalimbalance is happening within us
and it creates this, this ideathat everything is falling apart
around us.
And if we had bad PMS and wedidn't feel right around that
(40:27):
time, it's just amplified ahundred percent.
You know when you're goingthrough perimenopause, about how
you feel about yourself and howyou feel that others are
perceiving you.
Shelby (40:39):
I'm going to be 50 this year, so I'm definitely in that,
definitely in the throes of allof that, and have done a lot of
research and spend a lot oftime on how I can do this.
Well, I will definitely say it'snot like you may be going
through perimenopause.
You are because after 35, itstarts, so all of us are in a
change, no matter what, and sothat change is happening.
(41:01):
Now.
Your symptoms may or may not betotally from that, but it is
happening to your body, so forsure, that's a whole other
episode.
Marci (41:08):
So I really appreciate you bringing that up, yeah, and
body so for sure.
That's a whole other episode.
So I really appreciate youbringing that up, yeah, and I
just wanted to say that ifyou're drinking is elevating,
it's just something that I'verecognized, that it was a part
of my decline.
Shelby (41:19):
Yes, one thing I learned about a year ago in relation to
my own, you know, kind ofmental health and wellness, and
I should have known this.
I'm a therapist, I've beenstudying this stuff for a long
time, but I that our serotoninlevels go down with us as our,
as our estrogen decreases.
That creates ADHD symptoms tobe inflamed.
It creates more anxiety,depression, and so I was like,
(41:42):
wow, I didn't even know thatlittle fact.
So when things do feel like, wow, this is way more.
I used to have these symptoms,but now it's like way more a lot
has to do with our estrogenlevels and that serotonin and
other chemical changes.
So be, corrected with thingslike nutrition, lots of
nutraceuticals and food.
So it doesn't mean you likeneed medication.
(42:04):
I mean you might, and that'sokay too, but you can also do a
lot of other things.
Marci (42:08):
So well, thank you so much for being here today with
me.
Shelby (42:13):
This has been a great conversation.
I can definitely see us kind ofcoming back together and
sharing more.
Thank you for sharing your bookwith us.
I'll make sure it's linkedbelow, and is there any place
that you hang out the most whereyou'd like people to reach out
if they want to talk to you?
Marci (42:26):
Sure, you know, please come to Instagram, wake up with
Marcy, but I will tell youeverything is wake up with Marcy
, okay.
Shelby (42:33):
So thank you so much and I'll link it all below, and I
hope you have a fantastic day.
Marci (42:39):
Thank you, you too, thanks for having me.
Shelby (42:41):
You're welcome.
Thank you for joining me forthis week's episode of confident
, sober women.
If you you enjoyed thisconversation, hit the subscribe
button above so you won't missany upcoming episodes.
And, hey, if you really lovedit, leave me a review.
You can learn more about theSober Freedom Inner Circle
(43:01):
membership atwwwshelbyjohncoachingcom.
Forward slash inner circle.
See you next time.
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