WELCOME TO THE AFTER PARTY!!! The conversation after the show!
Embarking on a journey through the labyrinth of emotional abuse and the quest for self-trust isn't for the faint of heart. It's a tale of tough love in my coaching practice, where I guide individuals to peel back the layers of their pain and unearth the strength to move forward. As we sail into the treacherous seas of infidelity and the healing that follows, we uncover personal narratives and shared experiences, shedding light on the resilience required to mend a fractured trust.
In the throes of relationships, the specter of narcissism often lurks, casting long shadows of doubt and manipulation. I recount a personal encounter with deceit, crafting a guide to recognizing these insidious tactics and the red flags that may appear too late. Our discussion spans the experiences of public figures and everyday souls, proving that the path to self-realization is unique and universal. We'll map out the signs to spot early in dating and the significance of actions over words when holding a partner accountable.
Rounding out our intimate conversation, we turn to the foundations of healthy relationships: boundaries and values. Here, we dissect the art of discerning true desires and the trust pillars underpinning every worthwhile connection. With a nod to the complexities of faith and love, we offer practical wisdom for navigating the crossroads where they intersect. Whether it's time to double down on efforts or fold your hand, this episode will equip you with the insights to make empowered decisions in love and beyond. Join us for a heart-to-heart that promises to enlighten, embolden, and inspire.
In this episode, Briaina Latrice, Affair Recovery Coach, uses her voice to give women the strength to decide whether to stay or leave after being cheated on.
She speaks on HOT CHEATING TOPICS like:
- red flags
- betrayal
- emotional abuse
- treatment/therapy
- HARD CHOICES
As well as critical tips like:
- "If you choose to stay, make sure you find some peace in it!"
- "You're not CRAZY!"
Briaina does not want victims of adultery to suffer alone in silence.
CONTACT:
Book A Free Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/affairrecoverycoach/15min?month=2023-07
Website: https://lifeafterinfidelity.net/
Email: affairrecoverycoach@gmail.com
Phone: 469-956-9979
FOLLOW:
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@briaina_latrice
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/life_after_infidelity_/
PRODUCT:
Boundaries Questions E-book: https://tinyurl.com/Boundary-Ebook
COMING SOON:
Devotional: Healing the Heart From Infidelity, A 49 Day Journey
Book: Where Healing Wants You To Be: Life After Infidelity Vol 1
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love.
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS
1-888-804-3577
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233
__________________________________________________________________
Follow Confident You Podcast:
INSTAGRAM and FACEBOOK
@marionswingler
INSTAGRAM
@confidentyou_podcast
Like, Share, Subscribe
Confident You Podcast
Brought to by Inheritance of Praise Global Production LLC
IOPraise
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
, thank you, thank you, thankyou, awesome, awesome, awesome.
So this is the after party forepisode 22.
Staying versus leaving?
Yes, ma'am, because the choice,the hard choice, is yours, it's
(00:24):
yours, my goodness, my goodness, the choice is yours, it's
yours, my goodness, my goodness,the choice is yours.
So how do you, how do youapproach clients that you feel
are very sensitive about whatthey have going on, maybe not
even wanting to divulgeeverything, you can kind of tell
(00:47):
.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
So it's so funny.
I was just telling some peopleI was working with a client this
week and I was asking her aquestion.
And every time I would ask hera question she was just like I
don.
And every time I would ask hera question she was just like I
don't know, I don't know, youknow, and she's crying because,
again, you know.
And I finally just told her Iwas like okay, I said you paid
(01:23):
me for a service and so it's notgonna be an advantage to you if
I don't give you what you need.
And I said so I already know theanswer.
I said cause everything you'vebeen through I've been through.
So I reassured her that there'sno shame that I already know
the answer, which is why I'masking the question the way I'm
asking it to her, right?
I said so here's what I'm gonnado, which is why I'm asking the
(01:43):
question the way I'm asking itto her, right?
I said so here's what I'm gonnado.
I said I'm just going to holdspace for you.
I said and until you get thestrength to actually speak this
out loud, because I need you tospeak it out Cause?
I said.
I told her.
I said I see this every day.
You're ashamed, and I said, andyou like other woman that I
(02:07):
coach, and so you know, it'skind of like this hard love of
like reminding them that you'renot alone yeah, you know what
I'm saying, but it's also likereassuring them too.
I've went through this, yes,and so I need you to get to that
place where you can call it out, because the reason why you are
where you are is because you'vesuppressed it for so long.
(02:27):
My job is to help youunsuppress it, and so while you
sitting there, sulking, youdon't want to get it out.
It's fine.
We're going to be realuncomfortable and I'm going to
sit here while you sit here.
Why you sit?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
here listening.
The real uncomfortable startedwith me when you said listen,
don't ask that out ever again,man.
You said no, you know we becrying, don't be doing us like
that don't be doing us like that.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
But you know what we are.
I feel like I can say that,though, like I can do that,
though Like I can do thatjokingly, because at the end of
the day my ladies know I lovethem.
Come on here, you know what I'msaying, and so it's like it
comes from this space of likenot talking about them, but it's
like it's not a mockery.
I'm just, you know, telling astory, but here's the thing too,
(03:21):
for me when I telling the story, but here's the thing too for
me when I'm doing this work,it's already so heavy so I have
to find laughter and enjoymentand things that I, that I can,
and eventually they'll, they'llgo back to, you know, once they
get healed and they'll laugh atit too.
You know they, they know Igenuinely love them yes, but the
look back is for real, becauseif y'all want my stuff.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Oh my goodness, that thing is what bam.
You could barely understandwhat was being said.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
So, yes, it was so bad for me because, like I told
you, I got down to a size zeroand one time my best friend came
over and I had some sandals,you know that zip up around the
ankle, their things was justflopping and we laugh about it
now.
But my best friend was likeyeah, don't get to that point no
(04:18):
more.
She's like that wasembarrassing, walking around the
store with you and them sandalsjust whipping around the stove
with you, and then them sandalsjust whipping around the ankles
just loose oh no, you wasn't aloose shoe girl.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Loose shoe girl all around the ankles, no, ma'am, no
ma'am.
So in discussing the topic, isthere anything that you felt
like we didn't touch on, thatyou would like to expound on, or
something that we did touch onand you're like wait, I didn't
get to give this perspective.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
I I know that everything is unique and has
different perspectives um, youknow something that we didn't
talk on that I that I think isimportant, is emotional
abuseotional abuse is a form ofabuse, and we overlook that.
Studies have actually beenrevealed that.
(05:12):
Now again, I'm not minimizingeither one, but studies have
actually revealed that emotionalabuse can end up has, uh, more
severe consequences thanphysical abuse, and the reason
being is because it's emotional.
So a lot of times people don'teven know they're being abused.
Yes, right, because it'semotional, but so what?
(05:36):
What that means is that peoplewill stay in a situation longer
because there's no physical uh,I don't know showings of abuse,
right, right, so you can't seethe scars.
You can't physically see thescars during the time, yeah, and
so, um, what happens is, is nowthey're, they're, they're,
(05:56):
they're even showing like it hasmore adverse effects.
So, um, mental health is comingout of it, right, mental
illnesses, like how it itaffects you mentally and then
also how, um, it's it's aemotional abuse is a gateway to
(06:16):
physical abuse.
And so, talking about that aswell, because if people know,
knew, or know how to acknowledgeemotional abuse, then they can
leave a lot sooner than beforethe physical abuse comes in, and
they always say if you'redealing with like a narcissist
and stuff like that.
Women it's it's a known fact,not women people.
(06:37):
People go back into abusiverelationships five times, like
they show that about.
On average, people will go backinto an abusive relationship
emotional or physical five timesand after that five times
studies have shown that itactually ends up not good.
So a lot of times people die,like there's a death.
(07:02):
That kind of occurs in that,and so I think us talking about
that emotional abuse uhcomponent is is really important
you just said something.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
You said that the emotional abuse, um, someone
will go back uh, five times.
I've done the in the domesticviolence I did with the director
, tiffany of, um, tiffanyHernandez, uh Martinez of I'm
sorry, tiffany, I'm getting yourlast name wrong, please forgive
(07:34):
me.
You know I love you.
Um, tiffany of Bethany housewas here and she gave um.
She said that it was seventimes.
A woman will go back tophysical abuse seven times and
that's a lot of.
Go back Even between the five.
Five is a lot, seven is evenmore so.
(07:54):
Even in between that.
Um, that's a lot.
You said in the going back fivetimes.
The abuse, the emotional abuse,can you, can, it can end, it
(08:18):
can resolve in death.
That speaks a lot to your ownstory it does.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, it does, and I think that's so important right,
because death doesn'tnecessarily mean that the
betrayer could actuallyphysically harm you.
But the long-term stress thatyou're dealing with, you know,
because it even talks about thattoo when you deal with, like,
the long-term stress and anxiety, how it now, is causing
(08:53):
physical health symptoms.
So stress, high blood pressure,you know, a weakened heart, you
know we don't understandbecause, like I even told you, I
lost weight and my hair wasfalling out.
So all of those things areresulting in you in self-harm,
you know in harm Not inself-harm, but harm Right.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
So you lost weight and your hair fell out.
You got on the machine.
She looked at the machine.
There were red dots all overyour body and she looked at you
and said you're dying of abroken heart.
Mm-hmm.
She looked at you and saidyou're dying of a broken heart.
That, in the emotional traumaof everything that was going on,
(09:33):
was literally breaking yourheart, which is the main organ
that you need for your body toflourish and stay alive.
That and so the thing of yousaying it's emotional, it's how
(09:54):
impactful the emotional abuse is, I feel is not talked about
enough.
You're right, physically, youcan see it, you can see the
scars, you can see the wounds,you can actually touch them and
feel them.
They're tangible to you.
But emotions, that thing, forme, I thought I was crazy.
(10:19):
Yeah, it was like am I crazy?
Am I blaming him for somethingthat doesn't exist?
Am I reading too much into this?
Is this going on?
Is that going on?
Nah, it is much more impactful.
I'm glad that you brought theemotional trauma of of.
(10:51):
Um, wow, yeah, the emotionaltrauma backup, because it's
abuse, but it's also, uh, trauma, my goodness, my goodness,
that's.
I'm sorry, you got me messed upjust a little bit.
Just a little bit, just a taste, just a taste.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
But you know it's like.
Something else you made methink about too is people will
stay in relationships to prove apoint to other people.
But really, who, what?
(11:22):
What is the benefit of tryingto prove other people wrong when
it's killing you?
And I look back on that and Isay this because I stayed in my
relationship longer than Ishould have because a I kept
saying, oh, I want to, I want torecreate the mold of infidelity
in marriages of my family.
(11:43):
So I got to stay because I gotto prove them wrong that us
women can keep our husbands youknow, our husbands don't you
know?
Because everybody in my familyalready knew they could see it.
And sometimes they would bringit up to me and I would defend
him.
And so in my defense of him, Iwas also defending me of, like,
I gotta prove something right.
And uh, I was even on a coachingsession with another woman and
(12:06):
she was doing that same thingand I asked her.
I said what, what?
Why are you wanting to stay inthis relationship?
And essentially it came down toher wanting to prove a point
and I said so, you want to provea point for the sake of you
killing?
Because she was like me in mysame situation want to prove a
point for the sake of youkilling because she was like me
(12:27):
in my same situation.
You're willing to prove a point, even though the point ain't
real, for the sake of killingyourself.
But that's how psychologicallyconfused we are within this
emotional abuse, because wedon't know it's emotional abuse
and, like you said, what we'redoing is we're telling ourselves
oh, but it's me, I'm crazy,because I even told her.
(12:49):
I said I even let her talk forlike an hour and a half.
I said you've talked for anhour and a half and I've never
heard you put any blame on him.
You've always said it's me, Ishould have done this right, oh,
it's me.
So we're taking all this blameagain and we're internalizing it
, and so we've got the wholeworld on our shoulders and we're
not even giving this person anyaccountability.
(13:09):
And so how much of ourselvesare we harming for the sake of
proving a point?
Speaker 1 (13:16):
How much of ourselves are we harming for the sake of
proving a point?
Harming, harming, harming.
You said two key words in thisafter party and in the episode
that I want to unpack.
You said trust and you saidhealing.
(13:38):
So you trust.
How do you you're staying, howdo you rebuild that trust, so
the trust in yourself to bethere?
Speaker 2 (13:56):
That's good.
It is so funny because I wasactually going to say well,
everything starts with self, soyou've got to rebuild that trust
in yourself.
So you know, it's kind of likewhat I said even in the episode
the anger really is about you.
I mean, yes, we're mad that theother person cheated on us, but
(14:23):
when you really start to scaleback, a lot of your anger and
your shame comes from the factthat you knew early on and you
didn't say a thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Um, and so it's it, and so it'sforgiveness of yourself.
It's that first piece to trust,and then it's acknowledgement
(14:44):
right, and it's acceptance.
So it's acknowledging too.
I'll give you an example.
Everything's going to be alwaysabout people that I'm coaching
and I was.
So she had a baby with thisperson.
She didn't want the child, theywere trying to get an abortion,
they were unsuccessful inhaving the abortion.
(15:05):
Basically, long story short,she made so many concessions,
and so she was beating herselfup for all of these concessions
that she had made with thisperson, and so I was having her
to say those out loud, and shewouldn't say them out loud, and
so I would let her talk and thenI would ask that same question
(15:30):
what are you angry at yourselfabout?
Long story short, all of thosethings.
So it's actually acknowledgingtoo, like this is these are all
the things that I've done wrong,because you've got to first see
where you lost the trust withinyourself and how you can
rebuild those things withinyourself and forgive yourself
(15:50):
for those man.
I got pregnant out of marriageuh, before marriage and I said I
would never do that.
You know what.
I forgive myself for that.
And giving yourself compassion,because we give everybody else
in the world compassion, butwhen it comes to ourselves, we
never give it to ourselves.
And then the next part torebuilding trust is getting out
(16:13):
of this judgment mindset isgetting out of this judgment
mindset.
What we'll learn is that we'reprojecting how we are onto other
people A lot of times.
We're judging people all theday, so we assume that people
are judging us and they're not,and so I can tell how judgmental
(16:34):
a person is by how hard theyare on themselves when they're
going through the grievingprocess.
And it's so funny.
I'll ask people all the timeyou judge people in your head a
lot, don't you?
And they'll be like how did youknow?
Because you do your same stufflike that.
So you've got to stop judgingyourself for all of the failures
that you've done withinyourself, because you've already
(16:58):
broken the trust withinyourself.
Every time you overlooked it,you were taking trust away from
you.
Every time that you said, okay,I'm going to take you back, but
if you do it again, I'm notcoming back.
And then you do it.
You're lowering your trustwithin yourself, and so you have
to start learning how toactually see where you lost that
trust so you can rebuild thattrust within yourself.
And so you have to startlearning how to actually see
(17:18):
where you lost that trust so youcan rebuild that trust within
you first.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Interesting because you definitely point out a
factor in trust for me.
I believe that we lose trustwithin ourselves because we hear
ourselves all the time, we'rewith ourselves all the time and
we know how much we lie.
(17:44):
Yes, we be lying to ourselvesListen, lying Scenario comes up.
Somebody's like oh, I don'twant to go to that, I'm going to
tell them this.
Why can't you just tell themyou don't want to go to that?
I'm gonna tell him this.
Why can't you just tell him youdon't want to go?
Yeah, why isn't your honestanswer a good enough answer?
(18:04):
So after a while we start toreally we know how much, how
much we lie.
Oh, I'm not, I'm gonna be, I'mgonna do.
I'm working out every day,three, three times a day.
That's what I'm going to do.
We already know we're not doingthat.
It's not even realistic to gofrom nothing to three unless you
(18:25):
have a coach.
Let me tell you something abouta coach.
If you had had a coach in yoursituation, in your situation,
how much quicker do you thinkyou would have been able to move
into freedom from what had?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
happened, it wouldn't have been five years.
I can tell you that Becauseactually my trichologist that I
told you about she actuallyended up was also a life coach.
So she actually ended upcoaching me and that is how I
like.
I literally it was likeovernight I started to change
(19:08):
who I was, how I thought, how Ieven perceived myself.
You know what I'm saying yesand um, yeah, if I would have
had a coach at the beginning ofthis man, I would be so much
further along.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
When do you think you would have been willing?
When do you think because nowcoaches it's like coaches are
popping up everywhere.
The pandemic, Pandemic, hasreally had people sit down, sit
with themselves, and in somesense people were able to figure
(19:42):
out what that thing was.
That they could do so, now thatthere are a lot more coaches
around for people to get, ifthat was available for you.
Going through this process when, in your situation, do you feel
like you would have been like,let me get a coach, I need a
(20:04):
coach.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
I'm gonna say a scripture.
There's a scripture that saysthe Lord rewards those who
diligently seek them him.
Yeah, so I found my coach whenI was supposed to find my coach.
Come on, like I don't do thewhole.
Oh, I wish I would have foundit.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
God knew my heart and he knew myprayers and she came when she
(20:31):
was supposed to come yeah and soI say the same thing as I'm
doing the work now God, send mypeople to me when they're ready
for me, they'll come to me.
Um, the first time I found outabout my husband cheating on me
and I finally told my mom.
(20:51):
My mom shared with me that oneof my cousins had saw my um
ex-husband on tinder.
She saw his account on tinderand so the whole family.
While you were still married,while we were still married, and
nobody told me.
Everybody else in the familyknew, because she called my
cousin, called my aunt, whichwas her mom, then my aunt called
(21:14):
my mama and then they called myother aunt.
So they had this wholeconversation and they were like
don't tell, bree.
And initially I was angry,right, I was very angry and I
texted my cousin and I was likeyou should have just told me.
But I knew that if they wouldhave told me at that point I
(21:37):
wouldn't have been ready toreceive it and I don't even know
what I would have done withthat information.
So I say God knew the time Iwas supposed to receive it and
he brought her to me in thattime.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Amen, amen, perfect timing, amen, perfect timing.
There's something about histiming because essentially she
was looking at you killingyourself.
You, internally, your body, wasactually at this point dying
yeah, so it was at the righttime, and sometimes it doesn't
(22:15):
feel comfortable when that timeis, but you gotta hit your rock
bottom.
I do feel like everybody's rockbottom is different, much
different.
Like what do you?
What timeframes you saying youhave, uh, different clients.
What timeframes?
(22:35):
Like?
What's the longest timeframe?
Someone has been in somethingwhat's the shortest timeframe?
Again knowing now, moving inthe understanding that it's in
the correct time for you, what'sthe shortest time client you've
had that was like, yeah, nah,this just happened, happened.
(22:57):
And somebody else was like,listen, this has been going on
for years and I can't do thistomfoolery.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
I need to understand what this is and make my choice
so I don't know how long thisperson has been with this, with
her partner altogether, but shedid tell me that, um, it's 11
years post finding out and thepain still feels like the pain
that she first found out.
Yeah, so I would say that 11years for that particular client
(23:24):
, um, and then a client that I'mactually working with now um,
it was like three weeks and, um,yeah, she found out and she was
like, nah, I got to figure outhow to navigate this and she's
wanting to stay with him and sowe're learning that process.
But, yeah, about two to threeweeks.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
So do.
People come and they alreadyhave an understanding of their
desire to stay or leave.
Okay, that's something theywork through.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Yes, yeah, because that's something they work
through.
Yes, yeah, because that's aprocess like um, I even
interviewed a woman who, uh, wasgonna make it work with her
husband at the time, and so shewent back and she was in it and
then she even said, like, onceshe started doing the work
herself, she got herself a coach.
And then she was able to like,once she started doing the work
herself, she got herself a coach, and then she was able to see
that, nah, this ain't this, thisain't this, ain't it, you know.
(24:23):
And then she left, and I thinkthat that's important to mention
too.
Like it's OK for you to changeyour mind, like you can.
You can first say, all right,I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna try
to work this out with you.
You can first say, all right,I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna try
to work this out with you.
But then again, that's why Ialways say you, I like to help
(24:43):
you find the decision that'sbest for you, because
essentially, if there'ssomething within you and you're
not at peace with being there,even if they are trying to work
things out, you have to be atpeace within yourself, and so I
just help you figure that out.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
So what about staying ?
How do you help get a plantogether, help someone come to
the understanding of the plan tostay, and even in staying by
staying I mean stay, and this ismy plan, these are the
consequences.
Do they then come back to youand go yeah, nah, we're going to
go, I am staying, I'mdefinitely staying.
(25:19):
It's happened again.
I'm staying.
Like that that definite staystay person.
How do you maneuver throughthat?
Speaker 2 (25:30):
So it's like if I'm working with them and even in
the midst of it, the personcheats again.
Yes, it's going to go back tothat inner work and it's going
to be them asking me asking themhard questions about this keeps
happening.
(25:50):
And you have to look at facts,cause I actually have somebody
like that.
Now I come to think of it.
You have to look at facts, uh,because I actually have somebody
like that.
Now I come to think of it.
You have to look at the facts,right?
Um, if you choose to stay witha person and you know they're
not gonna change, well, then youhave to feel are you saying
(26:13):
you're okay with them constantlycheating on you?
You know what I'm saying.
So it's like what level ofacceptance are you going to
allow in this relationship?
But it's still going back toyou.
And why?
Why do you feel like you haveto stay in this?
(26:37):
Or why do you feel like it'sokay for somebody to
continuously mistreat you inthis manner and you're
constantly hurt about it?
What's your fear?
What is your fear of leavingRight?
Speaker 1 (26:53):
That is very good.
That's a good transition.
What is your fear of leaving tomove to healing?
You talk a lot about healing.
What is your definition forhealing in this process?
Speaker 2 (27:14):
So I think everything that you'll learn about me is
about self, and so it's lovingyourself, um, and and seeing
yourself, because when you arein emotionally abusive
relationships, um, you putyourself on the back burner and
(27:37):
a lot of the times you don'trealize it, but subconsciously
there are some things in you towhere you feel like you're less
than you don't truly loveyourself.
Somebody asked me a questionbefore and I thought it was a
really great question, and theysaid what is life before
infidelity?
Because they were like yo,business is called life after
(27:59):
infidelity, but what is lifebefore infidelity?
And I told them life beforeinfidelity is a false sense of
love, self-love, it's a falsesense of self-worth.
It's a false sense of strength,because all of this stuff
before, like we talked about, Iwould never be with somebody who
(28:21):
cheated on me like I'm ghost,I'm gone.
I thought you could not tell meI was not strong prior to going
through what I went through.
Now I know I'm strong yes priorto that.
So when you are in um arelationship like that, where
it's abusive, there's somethingabout you subconsciously that is
(28:46):
not that you need, and so youstay with people because they're
filling a void for you, and soit's this falseness, and so,
look, I don't forgot really whatthe question was Healing,
healing so that's what it is.
Healing is really getting towho you are and understanding
(29:13):
who you are.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Okay, okay, okay Okay , because healing, I think,
comes in many shapes and forms.
I believe that trust also,because you can have trust.
But what do you do with trustif the person you're with is a
narcissist?
Speaker 2 (29:35):
You, okay is a narcissist.
You, okay, that's a whole,another, that's a whole.
Look, look, look.
You not said the wrong word.
What?
What just happened?
That narcissist honey?
Speaker 1 (29:53):
that's a that's a trigger for a lot of people.
So give a definition tonarcissists.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Okay.
So basically, what a narcissistis is they are mass
manipulators and they do a greatjob of manipulating the truth
and it causes you to questionyour reality.
And so that's kind of really.
What it is in a nutshell isthat they manipulate the truth
(30:19):
to cause you to question yourreality.
I'll give you an example.
When I was going through it withmy ex-husband Well, no, we were
still married and I let him usemy backup debit card this was
my secret stash money and I waslike, okay, I'm gonna let you
use this.
And I was.
I was mad Cause I was like,dang, now he's got to know about
(30:40):
my secret account that I got.
And, um, I let him use thatcard.
Well, I got a notification thatsomebody had checked the
balance on that card, and then Ieven saw it on my bank
statement and everything.
And I could even say at thetime you know what I'm saying
and what they did.
So I asked him, I said did youcheck my balance on my account?
And he was like, no, youtripping.
(31:00):
How would I even you know?
And like he just went into thiswhole lie, he was so believable
in his lie that it had mequestioned Am I tripping.
Did somebody?
No, no, so maybe nobody didcheck my account, maybe, even
though I can see the recordsthat they did.
That is what narcissists do.
They find a way to manipulatethe truth, to have you think
(31:23):
that you are tripping, which iswhy people who have been cheated
on we are.
You know, we always talk aboutthis man.
Am I really seeing what I'mseeing?
It's because of what they'retelling you.
They're telling you, man, youtripping man.
Well, you didn't.
You know that girl just saidhello to me, and we know that
that girl you know what I'msaying Gave him a wink or
something like that, and sothat's what it is.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
That's what it is.
That is very true.
I also feel like they do theirbest to demean and undermine
your intentions and your efforts, the energy that you put into
things.
You could do something, andit's talked about as if whatever
(32:12):
you did was the worst thing.
But then let's say you cook themeal.
Oh my God, that was horrible,that was.
But then you see them eating it.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
Yeah, so I'm glad that you say that, because
that's one of the tactics thatthey use is because they do
their purpose too.
Outside of having you questionyour reality, their purpose is
to, um, make you feel small.
So, like you said, they'll do alot of those things where
(32:45):
everything is always your fault,so it's like oh well, I cheated
on you because you weren'tcombing your hair and you was
coming home wearing them, doregs, blah, blah, blah.
You know what I'm saying.
So they do all those things tomake you feel less than about
yourself so it gives themcontrol yes, and control is the
(33:07):
key.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Control is the thing that they want to have over over
the relationship.
I have even held conversationswith women and the narcissist
that was in their life had themthinking listen, I got somebody
(33:30):
else, I'm leaving, I'm just,this is just it for a little bit
.
And so they would give more inhopes of keeping the person.
Well, the person was nevergoing anywhere, nobody else was
going to be in terms of takingthem.
People will play with people,but people, sometimes people,
(33:52):
like yeah, no, you keep your toy, that's you.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Yeah, that's you.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
I just had a moment.
That's your toy.
I don't.
Yeah, that's you.
I just had a moment.
That's your toy.
I don't want, I don't want it.
I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna put that back on yourplayground.
That's all you and, and I thinkthat they would have.
Uh, it's amazing how they, likeyou say, and it's bending the
truth, no, I say it's definitelyjust downright lying and not
(34:18):
telling the truth in terms ofhow things are really going on.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
that causes some to feel as though they're crazy
yeah, yeah, and like you saidit's, it's this sense of control
.
And, uh, like I remember, onetime I asked my husband I was
like why can't you just stop,stop cheating?
And his response was I can'tquit cold turkey, you know.
(34:47):
And then one time I was justlike blowing his phone up.
It was in the middle of thenight, yeah, yeah.
And guess what?
Because he had already done agreat job of lessening my esteem
about myself, I took it right.
And then he would even saystuff like I'd be like well, why
don't you just leave?
(35:08):
You you're doing all this cheat, why don't you just leave?
And he would say well, I can't,because you need me, I have
have to look after you.
So they do all of these, theysay these things purposely to
make you feel like you need themand they know what they're.
They know what they're doing,right, even I texted him one
(35:28):
time.
I was blowing his phone up andit was like in the middle of the
night, two, three o'clock inthe morning, and he was like if
you keep calling me, I'm notcoming home Again.
Control.
So all of these ways in whichthey can gain this control, and
what happens is the dangers withbeing with the narcissist is
that you set the bar.
(35:49):
So if they do this thing andyou allow it, they know, okay,
she allowed it at this level.
So the next time I do something, I'm gonna do it at this level.
And so with the narcissistunless they really feel like
they're a narcissist and they'regoing to get help, it's never
going to stop.
It's only going to get worsebecause they're always going to
(36:12):
go a little bit higher after weallow one behavior after the
other.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
One behavior after the other.
When we got on here for theafter party you mentioned no,
actually, in the episode youmentioned two people that have
been in the situation of beingmarried and being cheated on.
I can say that these twopeople's situation ended
(36:41):
differently.
One chose staying, One choseleaving.
So the two people you mentionedare Holly Berry and Beyonce,
Both women extremely beautiful,extremely successful, extremely
admired, extremely sought after.
(37:03):
You would think in your rightmind nobody would cheat on them.
Who would cheat on them?
That is something that I foundwas conversation for women.
Who would cheat on her?
It's amazing how we not only weblame the woman indirectly.
(37:26):
Yeah, yeah, Like what does shedo?
Who would cheat on her?
Why?
Why would someone and it's noteven cheat on her?
It's like what is?
No one ever said what's theproblem for the men that did?
Speaker 2 (37:46):
yeah and oh no, go ahead.
No, I'm listening.
I'm like you know I wasthinking to me.
That's what I tell my women.
That's my first indication.
So one of the things I alwaysask women when we get on, when
we get on calls, is I ask them,when you brought up what they
(38:07):
did.
What was their response?
And if a person is like theperson was like remorseful and
like I'm so sorry, I you know, Iwant to make it work.
I'm like, okay, cool, theymight be a good candidate.
That might, though they mightbe a good candidate to rebuild
trust with.
(38:27):
But if your partner said, well,I cheated on you because of
like I have one client partnersaid, um, I cheated on you
because you had an abortion andyou were withholding sex for me,
hello, you were grief you justhad an abortion.
So of course, psychologically,you're not even ready intimate.
You're not even ready to beintimate, and so that's the
(38:47):
first indicator.
For me is, when you're workingwith someone, their initial
response is going to tell you alot about how you can tell if
you can work with them, becausetheir character, in the core of
them is in their response.
Right, if they're going toblame you for everything, or did
they take responsibility fortheir actions?
Speaker 1 (39:13):
for everything or did they take responsibility for
their actions?
Right, if they're going toblame you for everything or if
they're going to takeresponsibility, that would
definitely explain, uh, both ofthose ladies situation and just
using them again as examples,it's only because they were.
They're in the news, everythingwas you know, not, I'm sure,
not every intricate detail, butit was a blast on social media,
(39:38):
on the news, on you know all theplatforms.
Everybody kind of knewdifferent components of what was
going on, but again, they'renot singled out out, but it just
makes you go as women, we allwere like, well, who would cheat
on them?
So if they cheat on them,they'll cheat on me because
(39:59):
they're absolutely beautiful andthat's not the measure that
you're telling us.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
We need to measure this way, yeah yeah, and you
know what it's so dangerous inthat too, because I was actually
a victim of this.
Um, I was like dang, if hollyberry and beyonce can get
cheated on, then what aboutlittle me?
Like I'm, I'm nobody.
And so what I told that'sanother reason why I stayed
(40:26):
right was I was like oh well,I'll make you, because if the
most beautiful women get cheatedon, then I have to just be okay
with this.
And that is so dangerousbecause I had someone reach out
to me and she was like all ofher relationships have ended in
infidelity, so the one that shewas in currently, even though he
(40:47):
was cheating on her, she saidwell, since all men cheat, I'm
just going to have to be atpeace with this one.
And so there's a danger in that, of like, even when we see
those things, subconsciouslywe're we're allowing ourselves
to accept this mistreatment,because our subconscious is
(41:08):
telling us oh well, everybodygoes through it.
Beyonce and Holly Berry wentthrough it, so you've got to
accept it too.
You've got to.
You know, you've got to acceptthis.
And it's like even going backto shoot.
Jay-z even said in a song thathim and Beyonce did together, he
was like, you know, he had tosweat her.
He was like you know he wasquoting another lyric, but he
was like, know he was quotinganother lyric, but he was like
(41:29):
y'all know, I to get a back, Ihad the sweater and that's a
coming original lyric.
But, like that's the sense too,when you're a betrayer, you also
have to bite the bullet for alittle bit to rebuild that trust
.
And so if a person still hasarrogance and pride, even though
they did you wrong, and they'renot truly trying to understand
how their actions because, yes,there's probably some things
(41:53):
that you got to work on in arelationship, right, but
initially, the hurt that youcause this person, if you can't
see past that, you don't thatthat person is selfish, and how
can you rebuild trust with aselfish person?
Speaker 1 (42:07):
how can you rebuild trust with a selfish person?
That's very vital.
That's that.
That in itself is very vital.
So how, what?
What flags would you tellsomeone to look for, just when
they're dealing with these, whenthey're starting down the
relationship path?
What flags would you say now?
(42:28):
I need to pay attention to thispath.
Speaker 2 (42:32):
What flags would you say now I need to pay attention
to?
So it's funny.
What a person does theiractions, paying attention to a
person's actions right, becausepeople always talk about, like
do you talk about boundaries onthe first day?
(42:52):
Do you talk about expectationson the first day?
I really believe that you stillwant to keep the dates fun,
like, especially your first date.
You want to keep it fun, right?
And so you have to look at whata person is not saying, right?
So I'll give you an example.
Um, a guy I'm dating currently.
Um, our first date.
(43:15):
We met on a dating app and wewere getting ready to meet up.
He was like well, what area areyou in?
And I told him what area I wasin and, um, so he sent me.
He was like, okay, well, we'llmeet at this time at this coffee
shop.
He actually picked a coffee shopthat was seven minutes away
from my house and like 35minutes away from his, versus
(43:38):
other men who have been like,okay, well, let's meet halfway,
and then they'll be like uh,when you find the coffee shop,
let me know.
So what that told me about thisparticular guy is that he cares
about me and my safety, thathe's going to commute majority
of the way, versus this wholemeeting halfway type of thing.
(43:59):
Right, like he's actually goingto care about me, so he's not
gonna make us meet halfway,right?
Um, and then it let me know too, like he took control, he was
like okay, well, I'll find thecoffee shop, and so that let me
know too.
Like okay, well, he likes to.
He's a planner, like you know,he's gonna organize and he was
(44:21):
on time, so he values time,right, and so it's like all of
these things tell me a lot abouta person without them not even
saying anything.
So when you're dating someone,you have to learn how to date
smart and see what, becauseeverybody can tell you.
People are trained now andconditioned with all the
(44:41):
podcasts to tell us what we wantto hear.
But my biggest thing is I wantto see how you respond with
things that you're not tellingme Things you're not telling me.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
I like that that you said telling you what you want
to hear, because for me it's gotto match up.
It's got to match up this, whatyou do, has to match up with
what you said.
For me to say, oh, okay, okay,so you can say all day, oh, I
(45:19):
want to do this, I want to dothat, I want to take you here, I
want to take you there if we goout.
It doesn't match.
I'm like why would you say allof those things, and this is
what it is, I'm cool with thisbeing what it is, yeah, but why
didn't you just say this waswhat it is, right, exactly,
(45:40):
instead of just hearing oh, youknow, every time you left
something, every time you justoh, no, I don't have time, oh no
, I can't make it.
You know different excuses.
I find that those are flags.
I find that a lot of excusesare flags.
(46:00):
Those are flags.
If you can't have someconsistency with honoring the
things that you say, yeah,that's a problem for me.
So I feel like we talked aboutthe deal breakers.
How do you advise women onmaking a list of things that
(46:23):
they actually want?
That are the things that theywant.
You know the things that youdon't want Like nobody, I don't
think for the most part thereare.
Some people don't wantinfidelity to be the thing that
happens to them.
What do you?
How do you advise them now?
They're choosing to stay orleave and they need that healthy
(46:51):
list.
How do you walk someone throughmaking that healthy boundary
list?
Speaker 2 (46:58):
The first thing we're going to do is how do you want
to feel?
If you want to feel safe in arelationship, what does that
look like?
If you want to feel protectedin a relationship, what does
that look like?
Again, when I'm on dates withpeople I love, when we walk
outside on the sidewalk and Ipurposely I'm gonna tell my
(47:18):
secret now, I purposely walk onthe outside of the sidewalk and
if a man doesn't look at me andbe like girl, you tripping, you
know, on the inside, you don't,you don't care about, you're not
a protector, you're not anatural protector.
So I again, I'm looking for thethings.
You're not a protector, you'renot a natural protector.
So I again, I'm looking for thethings that you're not saying
to me.
You know what I'm saying and soI look at too.
How do you want to feel?
(47:39):
And most women are looking.
Most people are looking forthree things in any relationship
business partnership, romanticpartnership, boss to
subordinates you're looking forthree things.
You're looking for safety,security and certainty.
And when you boil that down,it's do you care?
(48:02):
Do you understand?
And can I trust you?
And, like you said, when aperson is inconsistent, that
disrupts the trust.
Because I can't trust you?
Yeah, because I don't know ifyou're going to flake or not
flake.
You know what I'm saying, andso security, certainty and
safety is what we're all lookingfor.
And how do you want to feel?
Speaker 1 (48:24):
Right, how do you want to feel Ma'am yet again?
Want to feel Ma'am yet again.
This has been a lot for my mindand my heart.
Thank you so much.
I did want to ask just one morething.
(48:46):
I'm trying to just narrow itdown to one thing, because
you've touched on so much.
If you're in a relationship andreligion is something that
people um, you all right yeahyou're not all right no, I'm
good.
Speaker 2 (49:07):
When you be hitting those buzzwords I'll be like,
okay, she talking, good nowreligion.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Religion because they , you know, um, don't be
unevenly yoked.
But then everybody says, yeah,you can't walk away.
There are no, no exceptions tothis rule of being married, but
there's the, for me, theunevenly yoked.
(49:38):
What happens when you get intoa relationship?
Everything seems so well andamazing.
The real person does not stepout.
Until after you say I do, wow.
The religion steps in and saysyou can go nowhere, wait.
(50:03):
But physical abuse, like yousaid, can seen, but emotional
abuse cannot.
How do you coach women throughthe argument of religion?
(50:23):
And the reason why I sayargument is because in the Bible
it does say enter his courtswith thanksgiving, enter his
courts with praise.
For me, I believe that a pastorstands up on Sunday and he's
literally in his courtsdefending his word, mm-hmm,
advising his people on his word.
(50:45):
So I feel like I see, Iunderstand the court is a place
to come into and you're justlearning, but I also think it's
a kind of a, a place of ofputting thing on, putting things
on display and arguing kind of,even a debate kind of, because
(51:08):
it's it's kind of they're tryingto teach you to shift your mind
, your heart and your spirit,like all three at the same time.
So how do you advise someone ina situation where everything
was false and now the realperson has stepped out and but
(51:30):
they're still looking at theirreligion?
Speaker 2 (51:36):
um, so the religion covers a multitude um, but I'm
so I'm gonna stay right now,biblically, like the bible, and
if we're talking biblically,christian or whatever you know,
there's a formula for that,right?
So the Bible says that if youhave an issue with your brother,
(52:00):
you go to him and profit.
So that's what you do with yourpartner, right?
You say, hey, I've noticed thatthere's been a change in the
person that you used to be.
You want to talk about that too, and you also want to know,
like I just need to know too.
Like, is this the real you?
(52:20):
You know what I'm saying.
So is this the person that I'mgoing to be with?
Before?
And when you go to them, you'retelling them you know what
issues you have with them, right?
And you're trying to see howthat conversation goes.
And if they're like, ok, cool,I'm willing to work on some
things, ok, so then the Biblesays that if that doesn't work,
(52:41):
then you go and you get somebodyelse Right, and you bring them
with you with that other person.
So you do that, and then you'realso praying for them, and then
you're bringing it forth rightTo like a larger group of people
.
And so when you have done thosethings and that person still
(53:03):
has not changed.
You kind of got your answerright.
I heard this before and it waslike here's how you know that
you can wait on a person is thatif you are getting ready for
church and your partner says,hey, wait on me, I wanna ride
(53:28):
with you to church, and you'realready late.
But if you see them in therestroom taking a shower,
getting dressed, frantically,moving right, then even though
you're upset and you'refrustrated, you're still going
to wait because you can see theevidence of them getting ready.
But if they ask you to wait onthem and they get back into bed
(53:49):
and they go to sleep and theytossing and turning in the bed,
you got it.
You can leave because they'renot putting forth the effort to
get up to get ready so they canride with you to church.
That is that you give peoplethe opportunity to show that
(54:12):
they're putting forth the effortto do what it is to make this
relationship successful and ifyou don't see that they're
putting in any effort, you haveyour answer the evidence is in
the effort.
Speaker 1 (54:25):
You heard it here.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, you heard it here with
the recovery call.
What did I do?
Speaker 2 (54:43):
Just be yourself.
This is good honey.
Speaker 1 (54:47):
After party this is when you really get down and
dirty with it.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (54:53):
I do again.
Thank you, I appreciate youtaking the time.
Another amazing, amazingconversation.
Just your wisdom in this areaDefinitely on display.
I appreciate you.
I honor you being here andsharing again.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (55:15):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me.
I really, I really appreciateit.
This is, it means a lot, youknow, to trust me on your
platform, so thank you.
Speaker 1 (55:24):
Oh yes, oh yes, and I do All right.
There we have it, the afterparty, episode 22.
Listen, it's up to you, andit's a hard choice to make if
infidelity has peaked its uglyhead at you in your situation.
(55:45):
And now, the hard choice isyours Staying versus leaving
Hope.
Everything that Brianna sharedwith you definitely helped.
Have a great one.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
, thank you, thank you, thankyou, awesome, awesome, awesome.
So this is the after party forepisode 22.
Staying versus leaving?
Yes, ma'am, because the choice,the hard choice, is yours, it's
(00:24):
yours, my goodness, my goodness, the choice is yours, it's
yours, my goodness, my goodness,the choice is yours.
So how do you, how do youapproach clients that you feel
are very sensitive about whatthey have going on, maybe not
even wanting to divulgeeverything, you can kind of tell
(00:47):
.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
So it's so funny.
I was just telling some peopleI was working with a client this
week and I was asking her aquestion.
And every time I would ask hera question she was just like I
don.
And every time I would ask hera question she was just like I
don't know, I don't know, youknow, and she's crying because,
again, you know.
And I finally just told her Iwas like okay, I said you paid
(01:23):
me for a service and so it's notgonna be an advantage to you if
I don't give you what you need.
And I said so I already know theanswer.
I said cause everything you'vebeen through I've been through.
So I reassured her that there'sno shame that I already know
the answer, which is why I'masking the question the way I'm
asking it to her, right?
I said so here's what I'm gonnado, which is why I'm asking the
(01:43):
question the way I'm asking itto her, right?
I said so here's what I'm gonnado.
I said I'm just going to holdspace for you.
I said and until you get thestrength to actually speak this
out loud, because I need you tospeak it out Cause?
I said.
I told her.
I said I see this every day.
You're ashamed, and I said, andyou like other woman that I
(02:07):
coach, and so you know, it'skind of like this hard love of
like reminding them that you'renot alone yeah, you know what
I'm saying, but it's also likereassuring them too.
I've went through this, yes,and so I need you to get to that
place where you can call it out, because the reason why you are
where you are is because you'vesuppressed it for so long.
(02:27):
My job is to help youunsuppress it, and so while you
sitting there, sulking, youdon't want to get it out.
It's fine.
We're going to be realuncomfortable and I'm going to
sit here while you sit here.
Why you sit?
Speaker 1 (02:42):
here listening.
The real uncomfortable startedwith me when you said listen,
don't ask that out ever again,man.
You said no, you know we becrying, don't be doing us like
that don't be doing us like that.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
But you know what we are.
I feel like I can say that,though, like I can do that,
though Like I can do thatjokingly, because at the end of
the day my ladies know I lovethem.
Come on here, you know what I'msaying, and so it's like it
comes from this space of likenot talking about them, but it's
like it's not a mockery.
I'm just, you know, telling astory, but here's the thing too,
(03:21):
for me when I telling the story, but here's the thing too for
me when I'm doing this work,it's already so heavy so I have
to find laughter and enjoymentand things that I, that I can,
and eventually they'll, they'llgo back to, you know, once they
get healed and they'll laugh atit too.
You know they, they know Igenuinely love them yes, but the
look back is for real, becauseif y'all want my stuff.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Oh my goodness, that thing is what bam.
You could barely understandwhat was being said.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
So, yes, it was so bad for me because, like I told
you, I got down to a size zeroand one time my best friend came
over and I had some sandals,you know that zip up around the
ankle, their things was justflopping and we laugh about it
now.
But my best friend was likeyeah, don't get to that point no
(04:18):
more.
She's like that wasembarrassing, walking around the
store with you and them sandalsjust whipping around the stove
with you, and then them sandalsjust whipping around the ankles
just loose oh no, you wasn't aloose shoe girl.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Loose shoe girl all around the ankles, no, ma'am, no
ma'am.
So in discussing the topic, isthere anything that you felt
like we didn't touch on, thatyou would like to expound on, or
something that we did touch onand you're like wait, I didn't
get to give this perspective.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
I I know that everything is unique and has
different perspectives um, youknow something that we didn't
talk on that I that I think isimportant, is emotional
abuseotional abuse is a form ofabuse, and we overlook that.
Studies have actually beenrevealed that.
(05:12):
Now again, I'm not minimizingeither one, but studies have
actually revealed that emotionalabuse can end up has, uh, more
severe consequences thanphysical abuse, and the reason
being is because it's emotional.
So a lot of times people don'teven know they're being abused.
Yes, right, because it'semotional, but so what?
(05:36):
What that means is that peoplewill stay in a situation longer
because there's no physical uh,I don't know showings of abuse,
right, right, so you can't seethe scars.
You can't physically see thescars during the time, yeah, and
so, um, what happens is, is nowthey're, they're, they're,
(05:56):
they're even showing like it hasmore adverse effects.
So, um, mental health is comingout of it, right, mental
illnesses, like how it itaffects you mentally and then
also how, um, it's it's aemotional abuse is a gateway to
(06:16):
physical abuse.
And so, talking about that aswell, because if people know,
knew, or know how to acknowledgeemotional abuse, then they can
leave a lot sooner than beforethe physical abuse comes in, and
they always say if you'redealing with like a narcissist
and stuff like that.
Women it's it's a known fact,not women people.
(06:37):
People go back into abusiverelationships five times, like
they show that about.
On average, people will go backinto an abusive relationship
emotional or physical five timesand after that five times
studies have shown that itactually ends up not good.
So a lot of times people die,like there's a death.
(07:02):
That kind of occurs in that,and so I think us talking about
that emotional abuse uhcomponent is is really important
you just said something.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
You said that the emotional abuse, um, someone
will go back uh, five times.
I've done the in the domesticviolence I did with the director
, tiffany of, um, tiffanyHernandez, uh Martinez of I'm
sorry, tiffany, I'm getting yourlast name wrong, please forgive
(07:34):
me.
You know I love you.
Um, tiffany of Bethany housewas here and she gave um.
She said that it was seventimes.
A woman will go back tophysical abuse seven times and
that's a lot of.
Go back Even between the five.
Five is a lot, seven is evenmore so.
(07:54):
Even in between that.
Um, that's a lot.
You said in the going back fivetimes.
The abuse, the emotional abuse,can you, can, it can end, it
(08:18):
can resolve in death.
That speaks a lot to your ownstory it does.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
Yeah, it does, and I think that's so important right,
because death doesn'tnecessarily mean that the
betrayer could actuallyphysically harm you.
But the long-term stress thatyou're dealing with, you know,
because it even talks about thattoo when you deal with, like,
the long-term stress and anxiety, how it now, is causing
(08:53):
physical health symptoms.
So stress, high blood pressure,you know, a weakened heart, you
know we don't understandbecause, like I even told you, I
lost weight and my hair wasfalling out.
So all of those things areresulting in you in self-harm,
you know in harm Not inself-harm, but harm Right.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
So you lost weight and your hair fell out.
You got on the machine.
She looked at the machine.
There were red dots all overyour body and she looked at you
and said you're dying of abroken heart.
Mm-hmm.
She looked at you and saidyou're dying of a broken heart.
That, in the emotional traumaof everything that was going on,
(09:33):
was literally breaking yourheart, which is the main organ
that you need for your body toflourish and stay alive.
That and so the thing of yousaying it's emotional, it's how
(09:54):
impactful the emotional abuse is, I feel is not talked about
enough.
You're right, physically, youcan see it, you can see the
scars, you can see the wounds,you can actually touch them and
feel them.
They're tangible to you.
But emotions, that thing, forme, I thought I was crazy.
(10:19):
Yeah, it was like am I crazy?
Am I blaming him for somethingthat doesn't exist?
Am I reading too much into this?
Is this going on?
Is that going on?
Nah, it is much more impactful.
I'm glad that you brought theemotional trauma of of.
(10:51):
Um, wow, yeah, the emotionaltrauma backup, because it's
abuse, but it's also, uh, trauma, my goodness, my goodness,
that's.
I'm sorry, you got me messed upjust a little bit.
Just a little bit, just a taste, just a taste.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
But you know it's like.
Something else you made methink about too is people will
stay in relationships to prove apoint to other people.
But really, who, what?
(11:22):
What is the benefit of tryingto prove other people wrong when
it's killing you?
And I look back on that and Isay this because I stayed in my
relationship longer than Ishould have because a I kept
saying, oh, I want to, I want torecreate the mold of infidelity
in marriages of my family.
(11:43):
So I got to stay because I gotto prove them wrong that us
women can keep our husbands youknow, our husbands don't you
know?
Because everybody in my familyalready knew they could see it.
And sometimes they would bringit up to me and I would defend
him.
And so in my defense of him, Iwas also defending me of, like,
I gotta prove something right.
And uh, I was even on a coachingsession with another woman and
(12:06):
she was doing that same thingand I asked her.
I said what, what?
Why are you wanting to stay inthis relationship?
And essentially it came down toher wanting to prove a point
and I said so, you want to provea point for the sake of you
killing?
Because she was like me in mysame situation want to prove a
point for the sake of youkilling because she was like me
(12:27):
in my same situation.
You're willing to prove a point, even though the point ain't
real, for the sake of killingyourself.
But that's how psychologicallyconfused we are within this
emotional abuse, because wedon't know it's emotional abuse
and, like you said, what we'redoing is we're telling ourselves
oh, but it's me, I'm crazy,because I even told her.
(12:49):
I said I even let her talk forlike an hour and a half.
I said you've talked for anhour and a half and I've never
heard you put any blame on him.
You've always said it's me, Ishould have done this right, oh,
it's me.
So we're taking all this blameagain and we're internalizing it
, and so we've got the wholeworld on our shoulders and we're
not even giving this person anyaccountability.
(13:09):
And so how much of ourselvesare we harming for the sake of
proving a point?
Speaker 1 (13:16):
How much of ourselves are we harming for the sake of
proving a point?
Harming, harming, harming.
You said two key words in thisafter party and in the episode
that I want to unpack.
You said trust and you saidhealing.
(13:38):
So you trust.
How do you you're staying, howdo you rebuild that trust, so
the trust in yourself to bethere?
Speaker 2 (13:56):
That's good.
It is so funny because I wasactually going to say well,
everything starts with self, soyou've got to rebuild that trust
in yourself.
So you know, it's kind of likewhat I said even in the episode
the anger really is about you.
I mean, yes, we're mad that theother person cheated on us, but
(14:23):
when you really start to scaleback, a lot of your anger and
your shame comes from the factthat you knew early on and you
didn't say a thing.
You know what I'm saying?
Um, and so it's it, and so it'sforgiveness of yourself.
It's that first piece to trust,and then it's acknowledgement
(14:44):
right, and it's acceptance.
So it's acknowledging too.
I'll give you an example.
Everything's going to be alwaysabout people that I'm coaching
and I was.
So she had a baby with thisperson.
She didn't want the child, theywere trying to get an abortion,
they were unsuccessful inhaving the abortion.
(15:05):
Basically, long story short,she made so many concessions,
and so she was beating herselfup for all of these concessions
that she had made with thisperson, and so I was having her
to say those out loud, and shewouldn't say them out loud, and
so I would let her talk and thenI would ask that same question
(15:30):
what are you angry at yourselfabout?
Long story short, all of thosethings.
So it's actually acknowledgingtoo, like this is these are all
the things that I've done wrong,because you've got to first see
where you lost the trust withinyourself and how you can
rebuild those things withinyourself and forgive yourself
(15:50):
for those man.
I got pregnant out of marriageuh, before marriage and I said I
would never do that.
You know what.
I forgive myself for that.
And giving yourself compassion,because we give everybody else
in the world compassion, butwhen it comes to ourselves, we
never give it to ourselves.
And then the next part torebuilding trust is getting out
(16:13):
of this judgment mindset isgetting out of this judgment
mindset.
What we'll learn is that we'reprojecting how we are onto other
people A lot of times.
We're judging people all theday, so we assume that people
are judging us and they're not,and so I can tell how judgmental
(16:34):
a person is by how hard theyare on themselves when they're
going through the grievingprocess.
And it's so funny.
I'll ask people all the timeyou judge people in your head a
lot, don't you?
And they'll be like how did youknow?
Because you do your same stufflike that.
So you've got to stop judgingyourself for all of the failures
that you've done withinyourself, because you've already
(16:58):
broken the trust withinyourself.
Every time you overlooked it,you were taking trust away from
you.
Every time that you said, okay,I'm going to take you back, but
if you do it again, I'm notcoming back.
And then you do it.
You're lowering your trustwithin yourself, and so you have
to start learning how toactually see where you lost that
trust so you can rebuild thattrust within yourself.
And so you have to startlearning how to actually see
(17:18):
where you lost that trust so youcan rebuild that trust within
you first.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Interesting because you definitely point out a
factor in trust for me.
I believe that we lose trustwithin ourselves because we hear
ourselves all the time, we'rewith ourselves all the time and
we know how much we lie.
(17:44):
Yes, we be lying to ourselvesListen, lying Scenario comes up.
Somebody's like oh, I don'twant to go to that, I'm going to
tell them this.
Why can't you just tell themyou don't want to go to that?
I'm gonna tell him this.
Why can't you just tell him youdon't want to go?
Yeah, why isn't your honestanswer a good enough answer?
(18:04):
So after a while we start toreally we know how much, how
much we lie.
Oh, I'm not, I'm gonna be, I'mgonna do.
I'm working out every day,three, three times a day.
That's what I'm going to do.
We already know we're not doingthat.
It's not even realistic to gofrom nothing to three unless you
(18:25):
have a coach.
Let me tell you something abouta coach.
If you had had a coach in yoursituation, in your situation,
how much quicker do you thinkyou would have been able to move
into freedom from what had?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
happened, it wouldn't have been five years.
I can tell you that Becauseactually my trichologist that I
told you about she actuallyended up was also a life coach.
So she actually ended upcoaching me and that is how I
like.
I literally it was likeovernight I started to change
(19:08):
who I was, how I thought, how Ieven perceived myself.
You know what I'm saying yesand um, yeah, if I would have
had a coach at the beginning ofthis man, I would be so much
further along.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
When do you think you would have been willing?
When do you think because nowcoaches it's like coaches are
popping up everywhere.
The pandemic, Pandemic, hasreally had people sit down, sit
with themselves, and in somesense people were able to figure
(19:42):
out what that thing was.
That they could do so, now thatthere are a lot more coaches
around for people to get, ifthat was available for you.
Going through this process when, in your situation, do you feel
like you would have been like,let me get a coach, I need a
(20:04):
coach.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
I'm gonna say a scripture.
There's a scripture that saysthe Lord rewards those who
diligently seek them him.
Yeah, so I found my coach whenI was supposed to find my coach.
Come on, like I don't do thewhole.
Oh, I wish I would have foundit.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
God knew my heart and he knew myprayers and she came when she
(20:31):
was supposed to come yeah and soI say the same thing as I'm
doing the work now God, send mypeople to me when they're ready
for me, they'll come to me.
Um, the first time I found outabout my husband cheating on me
and I finally told my mom.
(20:51):
My mom shared with me that oneof my cousins had saw my um
ex-husband on tinder.
She saw his account on tinderand so the whole family.
While you were still married,while we were still married, and
nobody told me.
Everybody else in the familyknew, because she called my
cousin, called my aunt, whichwas her mom, then my aunt called
(21:14):
my mama and then they called myother aunt.
So they had this wholeconversation and they were like
don't tell, bree.
And initially I was angry,right, I was very angry and I
texted my cousin and I was likeyou should have just told me.
But I knew that if they wouldhave told me at that point I
(21:37):
wouldn't have been ready toreceive it and I don't even know
what I would have done withthat information.
So I say God knew the time Iwas supposed to receive it and
he brought her to me in thattime.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Amen, amen, perfect timing, amen, perfect timing.
There's something about histiming because essentially she
was looking at you killingyourself.
You, internally, your body, wasactually at this point dying
yeah, so it was at the righttime, and sometimes it doesn't
(22:15):
feel comfortable when that timeis, but you gotta hit your rock
bottom.
I do feel like everybody's rockbottom is different, much
different.
Like what do you?
What timeframes you saying youhave, uh, different clients.
What timeframes?
(22:35):
Like?
What's the longest timeframe?
Someone has been in somethingwhat's the shortest timeframe?
Again knowing now, moving inthe understanding that it's in
the correct time for you, what'sthe shortest time client you've
had that was like, yeah, nah,this just happened, happened.
(22:57):
And somebody else was like,listen, this has been going on
for years and I can't do thistomfoolery.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
I need to understand what this is and make my choice
so I don't know how long thisperson has been with this, with
her partner altogether, but shedid tell me that, um, it's 11
years post finding out and thepain still feels like the pain
that she first found out.
Yeah, so I would say that 11years for that particular client
(23:24):
, um, and then a client that I'mactually working with now um,
it was like three weeks and, um,yeah, she found out and she was
like, nah, I got to figure outhow to navigate this and she's
wanting to stay with him and sowe're learning that process.
But, yeah, about two to threeweeks.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
So do.
People come and they alreadyhave an understanding of their
desire to stay or leave.
Okay, that's something theywork through.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
Yes, yeah, because that's something they work
through.
Yes, yeah, because that's aprocess like um, I even
interviewed a woman who, uh, wasgonna make it work with her
husband at the time, and so shewent back and she was in it and
then she even said, like, onceshe started doing the work
herself, she got herself a coach.
And then she was able to like,once she started doing the work
herself, she got herself a coach, and then she was able to see
that, nah, this ain't this, thisain't this, ain't it, you know.
(24:23):
And then she left, and I thinkthat that's important to mention
too.
Like it's OK for you to changeyour mind, like you can.
You can first say, all right,I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna try
to work this out with you.
You can first say, all right,I'm gonna go back, I'm gonna try
to work this out with you.
But then again, that's why Ialways say you, I like to help
(24:43):
you find the decision that'sbest for you, because
essentially, if there'ssomething within you and you're
not at peace with being there,even if they are trying to work
things out, you have to be atpeace within yourself, and so I
just help you figure that out.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
So what about staying ?
How do you help get a plantogether, help someone come to
the understanding of the plan tostay, and even in staying by
staying I mean stay, and this ismy plan, these are the
consequences.
Do they then come back to youand go yeah, nah, we're going to
go, I am staying, I'mdefinitely staying.
(25:19):
It's happened again.
I'm staying.
Like that that definite staystay person.
How do you maneuver throughthat?
Speaker 2 (25:30):
So it's like if I'm working with them and even in
the midst of it, the personcheats again.
Yes, it's going to go back tothat inner work and it's going
to be them asking me asking themhard questions about this keeps
happening.
(25:50):
And you have to look at facts,cause I actually have somebody
like that.
Now I come to think of it.
You have to look at facts, uh,because I actually have somebody
like that.
Now I come to think of it.
You have to look at the facts,right?
Um, if you choose to stay witha person and you know they're
not gonna change, well, then youhave to feel are you saying
(26:13):
you're okay with them constantlycheating on you?
You know what I'm saying.
So it's like what level ofacceptance are you going to
allow in this relationship?
But it's still going back toyou.
And why?
Why do you feel like you haveto stay in this?
(26:37):
Or why do you feel like it'sokay for somebody to
continuously mistreat you inthis manner and you're
constantly hurt about it?
What's your fear?
What is your fear of leavingRight?
Speaker 1 (26:53):
That is very good.
That's a good transition.
What is your fear of leaving tomove to healing?
You talk a lot about healing.
What is your definition forhealing in this process?
Speaker 2 (27:14):
So I think everything that you'll learn about me is
about self, and so it's lovingyourself, um, and and seeing
yourself, because when you arein emotionally abusive
relationships, um, you putyourself on the back burner and
(27:37):
a lot of the times you don'trealize it, but subconsciously
there are some things in you towhere you feel like you're less
than you don't truly loveyourself.
Somebody asked me a questionbefore and I thought it was a
really great question, and theysaid what is life before
infidelity?
Because they were like yo,business is called life after
(27:59):
infidelity, but what is lifebefore infidelity?
And I told them life beforeinfidelity is a false sense of
love, self-love, it's a falsesense of self-worth.
It's a false sense of strength,because all of this stuff
before, like we talked about, Iwould never be with somebody who
(28:21):
cheated on me like I'm ghost,I'm gone.
I thought you could not tell meI was not strong prior to going
through what I went through.
Now I know I'm strong yes priorto that.
So when you are in um arelationship like that, where
it's abusive, there's somethingabout you subconsciously that is
(28:46):
not that you need, and so youstay with people because they're
filling a void for you, and soit's this falseness, and so,
look, I don't forgot really whatthe question was Healing,
healing so that's what it is.
Healing is really getting towho you are and understanding
(29:13):
who you are.
Okay.
Speaker 1 (29:16):
Okay, okay, okay Okay , because healing, I think,
comes in many shapes and forms.
I believe that trust also,because you can have trust.
But what do you do with trustif the person you're with is a
narcissist?
Speaker 2 (29:35):
You, okay is a narcissist.
You, okay, that's a whole,another, that's a whole.
Look, look, look.
You not said the wrong word.
What?
What just happened?
That narcissist honey?
Speaker 1 (29:53):
that's a that's a trigger for a lot of people.
So give a definition tonarcissists.
Speaker 2 (29:57):
Okay.
So basically, what a narcissistis is they are mass
manipulators and they do a greatjob of manipulating the truth
and it causes you to questionyour reality.
And so that's kind of really.
What it is in a nutshell isthat they manipulate the truth
(30:19):
to cause you to question yourreality.
I'll give you an example.
When I was going through it withmy ex-husband Well, no, we were
still married and I let him usemy backup debit card this was
my secret stash money and I waslike, okay, I'm gonna let you
use this.
And I was.
I was mad Cause I was like,dang, now he's got to know about
(30:40):
my secret account that I got.
And, um, I let him use thatcard.
Well, I got a notification thatsomebody had checked the
balance on that card, and then Ieven saw it on my bank
statement and everything.
And I could even say at thetime you know what I'm saying
and what they did.
So I asked him, I said did youcheck my balance on my account?
And he was like, no, youtripping.
(31:00):
How would I even you know?
And like he just went into thiswhole lie, he was so believable
in his lie that it had mequestioned Am I tripping.
Did somebody?
No, no, so maybe nobody didcheck my account, maybe, even
though I can see the recordsthat they did.
That is what narcissists do.
They find a way to manipulatethe truth, to have you think
(31:23):
that you are tripping, which iswhy people who have been cheated
on we are.
You know, we always talk aboutthis man.
Am I really seeing what I'mseeing?
It's because of what they'retelling you.
They're telling you, man, youtripping man.
Well, you didn't.
You know that girl just saidhello to me, and we know that
that girl you know what I'msaying Gave him a wink or
something like that, and sothat's what it is.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
That's what it is.
That is very true.
I also feel like they do theirbest to demean and undermine
your intentions and your efforts, the energy that you put into
things.
You could do something, andit's talked about as if whatever
(32:12):
you did was the worst thing.
But then let's say you cook themeal.
Oh my God, that was horrible,that was.
But then you see them eating it.
Speaker 2 (32:24):
Yeah, so I'm glad that you say that, because
that's one of the tactics thatthey use is because they do
their purpose too.
Outside of having you questionyour reality, their purpose is
to, um, make you feel small.
So, like you said, they'll do alot of those things where
(32:45):
everything is always your fault,so it's like oh well, I cheated
on you because you weren'tcombing your hair and you was
coming home wearing them, doregs, blah, blah, blah.
You know what I'm saying.
So they do all those things tomake you feel less than about
yourself so it gives themcontrol yes, and control is the
(33:07):
key.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Control is the thing that they want to have over over
the relationship.
I have even held conversationswith women and the narcissist
that was in their life had themthinking listen, I got somebody
(33:30):
else, I'm leaving, I'm just,this is just it for a little bit
.
And so they would give more inhopes of keeping the person.
Well, the person was nevergoing anywhere, nobody else was
going to be in terms of takingthem.
People will play with people,but people, sometimes people,
(33:52):
like yeah, no, you keep your toy, that's you.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
Yeah, that's you.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
I just had a moment.
That's your toy.
I don't.
Yeah, that's you.
I just had a moment.
That's your toy.
I don't want, I don't want it.
I'm gonna leave.
I'm gonna put that back on yourplayground.
That's all you and, and I thinkthat they would have.
Uh, it's amazing how they, likeyou say, and it's bending the
truth, no, I say it's definitelyjust downright lying and not
(34:18):
telling the truth in terms ofhow things are really going on.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
that causes some to feel as though they're crazy
yeah, yeah, and like you saidit's, it's this sense of control
.
And, uh, like I remember, onetime I asked my husband I was
like why can't you just stop,stop cheating?
And his response was I can'tquit cold turkey, you know.
(34:47):
And then one time I was justlike blowing his phone up.
It was in the middle of thenight, yeah, yeah.
And guess what?
Because he had already done agreat job of lessening my esteem
about myself, I took it right.
And then he would even saystuff like I'd be like well, why
don't you just leave?
(35:08):
You you're doing all this cheat, why don't you just leave?
And he would say well, I can't,because you need me, I have
have to look after you.
So they do all of these, theysay these things purposely to
make you feel like you need themand they know what they're.
They know what they're doing,right, even I texted him one
(35:28):
time.
I was blowing his phone up andit was like in the middle of the
night, two, three o'clock inthe morning, and he was like if
you keep calling me, I'm notcoming home Again.
Control.
So all of these ways in whichthey can gain this control, and
what happens is the dangers withbeing with the narcissist is
that you set the bar.
(35:49):
So if they do this thing andyou allow it, they know, okay,
she allowed it at this level.
So the next time I do something, I'm gonna do it at this level.
And so with the narcissistunless they really feel like
they're a narcissist and they'regoing to get help, it's never
going to stop.
It's only going to get worsebecause they're always going to
(36:12):
go a little bit higher after weallow one behavior after the
other.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
One behavior after the other.
When we got on here for theafter party you mentioned no,
actually, in the episode youmentioned two people that have
been in the situation of beingmarried and being cheated on.
I can say that these twopeople's situation ended
(36:41):
differently.
One chose staying, One choseleaving.
So the two people you mentionedare Holly Berry and Beyonce,
Both women extremely beautiful,extremely successful, extremely
admired, extremely sought after.
(37:03):
You would think in your rightmind nobody would cheat on them.
Who would cheat on them?
That is something that I foundwas conversation for women.
Who would cheat on her?
It's amazing how we not only weblame the woman indirectly.
(37:26):
Yeah, yeah, Like what does shedo?
Who would cheat on her?
Why?
Why would someone and it's noteven cheat on her?
It's like what is?
No one ever said what's theproblem for the men that did?
Speaker 2 (37:46):
yeah and oh no, go ahead.
No, I'm listening.
I'm like you know I wasthinking to me.
That's what I tell my women.
That's my first indication.
So one of the things I alwaysask women when we get on, when
we get on calls, is I ask them,when you brought up what they
(38:07):
did.
What was their response?
And if a person is like theperson was like remorseful and
like I'm so sorry, I you know, Iwant to make it work.
I'm like, okay, cool, theymight be a good candidate.
That might, though they mightbe a good candidate to rebuild
trust with.
(38:27):
But if your partner said, well,I cheated on you because of
like I have one client partnersaid, um, I cheated on you
because you had an abortion andyou were withholding sex for me,
hello, you were grief you justhad an abortion.
So of course, psychologically,you're not even ready intimate.
You're not even ready to beintimate, and so that's the
(38:47):
first indicator.
For me is, when you're workingwith someone, their initial
response is going to tell you alot about how you can tell if
you can work with them, becausetheir character, in the core of
them is in their response.
Right, if they're going toblame you for everything, or did
they take responsibility fortheir actions?
Speaker 1 (39:13):
for everything or did they take responsibility for
their actions?
Right, if they're going toblame you for everything or if
they're going to takeresponsibility, that would
definitely explain, uh, both ofthose ladies situation and just
using them again as examples,it's only because they were.
They're in the news, everythingwas you know, not, I'm sure,
not every intricate detail, butit was a blast on social media,
(39:38):
on the news, on you know all theplatforms.
Everybody kind of knewdifferent components of what was
going on, but again, they'renot singled out out, but it just
makes you go as women, we allwere like, well, who would cheat
on them?
So if they cheat on them,they'll cheat on me because
(39:59):
they're absolutely beautiful andthat's not the measure that
you're telling us.
Speaker 2 (40:04):
We need to measure this way, yeah yeah, and you
know what it's so dangerous inthat too, because I was actually
a victim of this.
Um, I was like dang, if hollyberry and beyonce can get
cheated on, then what aboutlittle me?
Like I'm, I'm nobody.
And so what I told that'sanother reason why I stayed
(40:26):
right was I was like oh well,I'll make you, because if the
most beautiful women get cheatedon, then I have to just be okay
with this.
And that is so dangerousbecause I had someone reach out
to me and she was like all ofher relationships have ended in
infidelity, so the one that shewas in currently, even though he
(40:47):
was cheating on her, she saidwell, since all men cheat, I'm
just going to have to be atpeace with this one.
And so there's a danger in that, of like, even when we see
those things, subconsciouslywe're we're allowing ourselves
to accept this mistreatment,because our subconscious is
(41:08):
telling us oh well, everybodygoes through it.
Beyonce and Holly Berry wentthrough it, so you've got to
accept it too.
You've got to.
You know, you've got to acceptthis.
And it's like even going backto shoot.
Jay-z even said in a song thathim and Beyonce did together, he
was like, you know, he had tosweat her.
He was like you know he wasquoting another lyric, but he
was like, know he was quotinganother lyric, but he was like
(41:29):
y'all know, I to get a back, Ihad the sweater and that's a
coming original lyric.
But, like that's the sense too,when you're a betrayer, you also
have to bite the bullet for alittle bit to rebuild that trust
.
And so if a person still hasarrogance and pride, even though
they did you wrong, and they'renot truly trying to understand
how their actions because, yes,there's probably some things
(41:53):
that you got to work on in arelationship, right, but
initially, the hurt that youcause this person, if you can't
see past that, you don't thatthat person is selfish, and how
can you rebuild trust with aselfish person?
Speaker 1 (42:07):
how can you rebuild trust with a selfish person?
That's very vital.
That's that.
That in itself is very vital.
So how, what?
What flags would you tellsomeone to look for, just when
they're dealing with these, whenthey're starting down the
relationship path?
What flags would you say now?
(42:28):
I need to pay attention to thispath.
Speaker 2 (42:32):
What flags would you say now I need to pay attention
to?
So it's funny.
What a person does theiractions, paying attention to a
person's actions right, becausepeople always talk about, like
do you talk about boundaries onthe first day?
(42:52):
Do you talk about expectationson the first day?
I really believe that you stillwant to keep the dates fun,
like, especially your first date.
You want to keep it fun, right?
And so you have to look at whata person is not saying, right?
So I'll give you an example.
Um, a guy I'm dating currently.
Um, our first date.
(43:15):
We met on a dating app and wewere getting ready to meet up.
He was like well, what area areyou in?
And I told him what area I wasin and, um, so he sent me.
He was like, okay, well, we'llmeet at this time at this coffee
shop.
He actually picked a coffee shopthat was seven minutes away
from my house and like 35minutes away from his, versus
(43:38):
other men who have been like,okay, well, let's meet halfway,
and then they'll be like uh,when you find the coffee shop,
let me know.
So what that told me about thisparticular guy is that he cares
about me and my safety, thathe's going to commute majority
of the way, versus this wholemeeting halfway type of thing.
(43:59):
Right, like he's actually goingto care about me, so he's not
gonna make us meet halfway,right?
Um, and then it let me know too, like he took control, he was
like okay, well, I'll find thecoffee shop, and so that let me
know too.
Like okay, well, he likes to.
He's a planner, like you know,he's gonna organize and he was
(44:21):
on time, so he values time,right, and so it's like all of
these things tell me a lot abouta person without them not even
saying anything.
So when you're dating someone,you have to learn how to date
smart and see what, becauseeverybody can tell you.
People are trained now andconditioned with all the
(44:41):
podcasts to tell us what we wantto hear.
But my biggest thing is I wantto see how you respond with
things that you're not tellingme Things you're not telling me.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
I like that that you said telling you what you want
to hear, because for me it's gotto match up.
It's got to match up this, whatyou do, has to match up with
what you said.
For me to say, oh, okay, okay,so you can say all day, oh, I
(45:19):
want to do this, I want to dothat, I want to take you here, I
want to take you there if we goout.
It doesn't match.
I'm like why would you say allof those things, and this is
what it is, I'm cool with thisbeing what it is, yeah, but why
didn't you just say this waswhat it is, right, exactly,
(45:40):
instead of just hearing oh, youknow, every time you left
something, every time you justoh, no, I don't have time, oh no
, I can't make it.
You know different excuses.
I find that those are flags.
I find that a lot of excusesare flags.
(46:00):
Those are flags.
If you can't have someconsistency with honoring the
things that you say, yeah,that's a problem for me.
So I feel like we talked aboutthe deal breakers.
How do you advise women onmaking a list of things that
(46:23):
they actually want?
That are the things that theywant.
You know the things that youdon't want Like nobody, I don't
think for the most part thereare.
Some people don't wantinfidelity to be the thing that
happens to them.
What do you?
How do you advise them now?
They're choosing to stay orleave and they need that healthy
(46:51):
list.
How do you walk someone throughmaking that healthy boundary
list?
Speaker 2 (46:58):
The first thing we're going to do is how do you want
to feel?
If you want to feel safe in arelationship, what does that
look like?
If you want to feel protectedin a relationship, what does
that look like?
Again, when I'm on dates withpeople I love, when we walk
outside on the sidewalk and Ipurposely I'm gonna tell my
(47:18):
secret now, I purposely walk onthe outside of the sidewalk and
if a man doesn't look at me andbe like girl, you tripping, you
know, on the inside, you don't,you don't care about, you're not
a protector, you're not anatural protector.
So I again, I'm looking for thethings.
You're not a protector, you'renot a natural protector.
So I again, I'm looking for thethings that you're not saying
to me.
You know what I'm saying and soI look at too.
How do you want to feel?
(47:39):
And most women are looking.
Most people are looking forthree things in any relationship
business partnership, romanticpartnership, boss to
subordinates you're looking forthree things.
You're looking for safety,security and certainty.
And when you boil that down,it's do you care?
(48:02):
Do you understand?
And can I trust you?
And, like you said, when aperson is inconsistent, that
disrupts the trust.
Because I can't trust you?
Yeah, because I don't know ifyou're going to flake or not
flake.
You know what I'm saying, andso security, certainty and
safety is what we're all lookingfor.
And how do you want to feel?
Speaker 1 (48:24):
Right, how do you want to feel Ma'am yet again?
Want to feel Ma'am yet again.
This has been a lot for my mindand my heart.
Thank you so much.
I did want to ask just one morething.
(48:46):
I'm trying to just narrow itdown to one thing, because
you've touched on so much.
If you're in a relationship andreligion is something that
people um, you all right yeahyou're not all right no, I'm
good.
Speaker 2 (49:07):
When you be hitting those buzzwords I'll be like,
okay, she talking, good nowreligion.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Religion because they , you know, um, don't be
unevenly yoked.
But then everybody says, yeah,you can't walk away.
There are no, no exceptions tothis rule of being married, but
there's the, for me, theunevenly yoked.
(49:38):
What happens when you get intoa relationship?
Everything seems so well andamazing.
The real person does not stepout.
Until after you say I do, wow.
The religion steps in and saysyou can go nowhere, wait.
(50:03):
But physical abuse, like yousaid, can seen, but emotional
abuse cannot.
How do you coach women throughthe argument of religion?
(50:23):
And the reason why I sayargument is because in the Bible
it does say enter his courtswith thanksgiving, enter his
courts with praise.
For me, I believe that a pastorstands up on Sunday and he's
literally in his courtsdefending his word, mm-hmm,
advising his people on his word.
(50:45):
So I feel like I see, Iunderstand the court is a place
to come into and you're justlearning, but I also think it's
a kind of a, a place of ofputting thing on, putting things
on display and arguing kind of,even a debate kind of, because
(51:08):
it's it's kind of they're tryingto teach you to shift your mind
, your heart and your spirit,like all three at the same time.
So how do you advise someone ina situation where everything
was false and now the realperson has stepped out and but
(51:30):
they're still looking at theirreligion?
Speaker 2 (51:36):
um, so the religion covers a multitude um, but I'm
so I'm gonna stay right now,biblically, like the bible, and
if we're talking biblically,christian or whatever you know,
there's a formula for that,right?
So the Bible says that if youhave an issue with your brother,
(52:00):
you go to him and profit.
So that's what you do with yourpartner, right?
You say, hey, I've noticed thatthere's been a change in the
person that you used to be.
You want to talk about that too, and you also want to know,
like I just need to know too.
Like, is this the real you?
(52:20):
You know what I'm saying.
So is this the person that I'mgoing to be with?
Before?
And when you go to them, you'retelling them you know what
issues you have with them, right?
And you're trying to see howthat conversation goes.
And if they're like, ok, cool,I'm willing to work on some
things, ok, so then the Biblesays that if that doesn't work,
(52:41):
then you go and you get somebodyelse Right, and you bring them
with you with that other person.
So you do that, and then you'realso praying for them, and then
you're bringing it forth rightTo like a larger group of people
.
And so when you have done thosethings and that person still
(53:03):
has not changed.
You kind of got your answerright.
I heard this before and it waslike here's how you know that
you can wait on a person is thatif you are getting ready for
church and your partner says,hey, wait on me, I wanna ride
(53:28):
with you to church, and you'realready late.
But if you see them in therestroom taking a shower,
getting dressed, frantically,moving right, then even though
you're upset and you'refrustrated, you're still going
to wait because you can see theevidence of them getting ready.
But if they ask you to wait onthem and they get back into bed
(53:49):
and they go to sleep and theytossing and turning in the bed,
you got it.
You can leave because they'renot putting forth the effort to
get up to get ready so they canride with you to church.
That is that you give peoplethe opportunity to show that
(54:12):
they're putting forth the effortto do what it is to make this
relationship successful and ifyou don't see that they're
putting in any effort, you haveyour answer the evidence is in
the effort.
Speaker 1 (54:25):
You heard it here.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, you heard it here with
the recovery call.
What did I do?
Speaker 2 (54:43):
Just be yourself.
This is good honey.
Speaker 1 (54:47):
After party this is when you really get down and
dirty with it.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (54:53):
I do again.
Thank you, I appreciate youtaking the time.
Another amazing, amazingconversation.
Just your wisdom in this areaDefinitely on display.
I appreciate you.
I honor you being here andsharing again.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (55:15):
Thank you.
Thank you so much for having me.
I really, I really appreciateit.
This is, it means a lot, youknow, to trust me on your
platform, so thank you.
Speaker 1 (55:24):
Oh yes, oh yes, and I do All right.
There we have it, the afterparty, episode 22.
Listen, it's up to you, andit's a hard choice to make if
infidelity has peaked its uglyhead at you in your situation.
(55:45):
And now, the hard choice isyours Staying versus leaving
Hope.
Everything that Brianna sharedwith you definitely helped.
Have a great one.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.