Have you ever felt like infidelity shattered your very identity? Brianna Latrice, a fair recovery coach, joins us to share her profound insights on rebounding from such personal earthquakes. We traverse the emotional aftermath of betrayal, tackling the real-world issues of financial instability, the sharp pangs of loneliness, and the daunting battle with insecurity. Brianna’s own narrative of five attempts to leave a toxic relationship until finally breaking free unveils the resilience required to reclaim one's self-worth and piece together a path toward healing.
Confronting a betraying partner can feel like navigating a minefield, but today we're charting a course with compassionate precision. I reveal how investigative questions can transform accusatory clashes into dialogues of understanding, leading to either the reconstruction of trust or the decision to part ways. We also peer into the generational echoes of infidelity and the way our family's history can sneak into our love lives, stressing the importance of discerning a partner's views on fidelity and trust before making lifelong commitments.
Finally, we tackle the arduous journey of life post-infidelity, focusing on the empowerment that comes with rebuilding self-worth. Understanding that the need for a partner often reflects deeper internal traumas, we discuss how to approach these wounds to prevent repeating damaging relationship patterns. Resources like "Healing the Heart from Infidelity" and "Where Healing Wants to Be" are introduced to support your journey. Moreover, we address the delicate topic of infidelity within Black households, advocating the necessity of fostering emotional transparency and healthy discussions on betrayal with our children. Join us as we navigate these turbulent waters, offering not just solace, but a beacon of empowerment.
CHAPTERS:
0:30 - Infidelity Impact Personal Experience
2:00 - Unprepared Challenges Post-Breakup
5:10 - Decision Struggle Leaving Toxic Relationship
6:20 - Emotional Entanglement with Ex-Partner
10:40 - Self-Identity Before vs After Cheating
13:33 - Initiating Difficult Relationship Conversations
18:15 - Investigative Conversation Techniques
20:10 - Gratitude for Betrayal Lessons Learned
24:33 - Choosing Healthy Relationships Wisely
26:50 - Reality vs Perception in Relationships
28:45 - Helping Friends Recognize Truth
33:00 - Actions Speak Louder Than Words Insight
35:50 - Identifying Narcissistic Traits
36:30 - Understanding Narcissism Definition
38:20 - Recognizing Narcissistic Behaviors
46:15 - Moving On from Infidelity Without Closure
51:11 - Dancing Through Love Event Announcement
54:08 - Life After Infidelity Podcast Introduction
59:02 - Afterparty Gratitude Message
1:00:10 - Infidelity Themed Merchandise Launch
1:02:04 - Farewell and Next Time Teaser
CONTACT:
Book A Free Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/affairrecoverycoach/15min?month=2023-07
Website: https://lifeafterinfidelity.net/
Email: affairrecoverycoach@gmail.com
Phone: 469-956-9979
FOLLOW ON:
TikTok and Instagram: Life_After_Infidelity_
PRODUCT:
Boundaries Questions E-book: https://tinyurl.com/Boundary-Ebook
COMING SOON:
Devotional: Healing the Heart From Infidelity, A 49 Day Journey
Book: Where Healing Wants You To Be: Life After Infidelity Vol 1
Book a FREE 15-minute consultation: https://calendly.com/walkonconsultantsopens in a new tab and let them know Marion from Confident You sent you
EVENT:
Dancing Through Love on Feb 10, 2023
PODCAST:
Life After Infidelity Podcast
https://www.youtube.com/@UCde6r8RV_Dc1Tcbx81pkJAQ
_________________________________________________________________
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the after party.
This is after party number 14from episode 33 of Confident U
podcast.
Listen, I have with us in thistime we have Brianna Latrice and
a fair recovery coach, andthere was some things that I
(00:25):
just wanted to continue todiscuss, some things to continue
to touch on.
We're gonna start with where Iended.
Listen, the last thing I saidwe would talk about was that was
your first time that you wereleft.
Listen.
If you're going wait, why arewe just diving into the
conversation?
How do I not know what's goingon?
(00:47):
You want to go back and watchthe episode of Confident you
podcast that?
this is the after conversationto listen that in that episode
it has a title of why evilpeople don't hurt.
Listen, but the conversationliterally went through the ins
(01:09):
and outs of infidelity beingthat person who has been cheated
on, being that person who nowneeds to decide whether you stay
or go.
So now we're going into howthis infidelity has affected our
guest and how she spoke on afew things.
(01:29):
So I just pulled a few of thosethings out and I wanted to
expound on them in this afterparty.
Listen, you said the first timeI left, just that phrase alone.
You said yeah.
You said yeah.
You said I was not, because inthat time we were talking about
being financially prepared orbeing prepared, and you were
(01:51):
stating how you only left thatfirst time with $5.
So how did that, would you say?
The first time you left was themost unprepared time that you
left.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Yeah, I would Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
What are the top three?
You already gave us number one,number one.
You left with $5, but what werethe other two?
Like in the top three thingareas that you're saying listen,
I wasn't prepared for this, Iwasn't prepared for this, I
wasn't prepared for that oh,that's a good question.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay, so, besides financially, um, and are we
talking about like the firsttime I left, or just like within
any of the times I left withinany of the times.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
What?
What are the other top twowhere you were not?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Okay, oh Lord, so many going through my head, so
financially.
And then I would probably sayloneliness, like you know what
I'm saying, like you know thatshoot, you gonna be single and
(03:06):
you gonna be alone.
But I wasn't really preparedfor what that was going to look
and feel like.
And even though your friendsand your loved ones say they're
going to be there to support you, you know they don't have the
capacity to be there with youall the time and so wasn't
prepared for the loneliness.
(03:26):
And then, honestly, I wasn'tprepared for the insecurity.
A part of why I stayed, I think,was just knowing that I had a
partner.
Validated my insecurities.
Validated my insecurities, um,when I was alone, by myself,
(03:53):
with no one.
It was like I had to acceptthat I was alone and so that
just fed in even more to myinsecurities of, oh, you're not
beautiful, you know I'm sayinglike, whatever insecurities
you're dealing with, um, it justintensified my insecurities
when I left and what's anotherthing that you would say you
were not prepared forfinancially, you weren't
(04:16):
prepared for being alone, theloneliness of it.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
What else were you not prepared for in the times
that you chose to leave?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yeah, it's that part, the insecurities like speaking
to my insecurities and I didn'treally know I was dealing with
insecurities.
I think I was so wrapped up inhim that I hadn't had the time
to really look within myself,and so you could say
insecurities are dealing withmyself and seeing myself for the
(04:52):
first time after years of beingin a toxic relationship, like
actually looking at myself andseeing the person I had become
and accepting that.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Right, what were?
What is your statistic?
Because I know there arestatistics on how many times
someone may go back and go backand forth with the goal going
back and leaving and choosing toleave, and then going back and
choosing to leave for you, justintimately for you.
How many times was that before?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
that was the final time so you know, the statistic
is about four to five times andI want to say I probably went
back about five times for sureabout.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
What made it the final straw?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Look, do I want to share the story or do we got to
make them go?
Listen to the first episode.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Oh, that is in the first Listen.
If you want to hear the fullstory, you can go back to
episode 22.
You are correct.
Oh, my goodness, you can goback to episode 22.
So, you, you.
That was the first thing that Iwanted to to touch on um of the
three things that I wanted totouch on from our previous
(06:14):
conversation, but now you havesparked something else.
You said that you were wrappedup in him.
So how can you, what did thatlook like, wrapped up in him?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
um, my life was devoted to making him happy, um,
because you know, once you findout that the love of your life
has cheated on you, uh,especially if they are toxic,
right, and don't hold themselvesaccountable, they'll put all
(06:50):
the blame on you.
And so that's what he did.
He put all the blame on me.
I'm not going to say all, butI'm going to say about 90% of
the blame he put on me.
And so I, for years, I workedhard to make him happy.
I worked hard to, you know,please him.
So I literally, um, things Iwould do were, um, I remember
(07:15):
the text messages that he wassending to other women, and I
would try to emulate thoseconversations in text, right,
and so a lot of the things thatI was doing, I was doing because
he, you know, I thought that heliked them.
So, you know, I would wearclothes that I that he said that
he liked.
(07:36):
You know, even though I didn'tcare for that particular style
of dress, I would do stuff likethat.
Like he didn't like me going tobars and clubs.
So when my friends would go tobars and clubs, I would have to
stay home and I'd be at home bymyself, cause he'd be out doing
his own thing, and then myfriends would be in the bars.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
I had a real quick flashback.
No, you're fine.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
But you know, that's what I mean.
I got lost in him and so when Icame out of it I didn't know
who I was.
So I really had to learn who Iwas, because sitting up watching
basketball every day wasn't mything, that was his.
But I found myself like stilldoing that and then I realized
(08:27):
that doesn't excite me, you know, um, and so just the stuff that
I did, uh, that was alwaysbased off of him.
I didn't, I didn't.
But in a part of that I got solost in him, um, and my
self-esteem was so low that,like I said, when I did leave
him, seeing that I actually hadself-esteem was was what it
(08:53):
started to surface that I hadlow self-esteem once he was no
longer in the picture, um, Istarted to see that, and that
was hard to um, embrace andacknowledge how did you start to
see that?
um, just in the way that Italked to myself and in the way
(09:13):
that I moved, and it must havebeen like in the way that I
carried myself too, because Iremember, uh, my best friend at
the time.
She had stopped talking to meat one point and she was like
she had to pull herself backfrom our friendship because she
couldn't.
And it was just like you knewthat every dude at the college
(09:48):
campus wanted to talk to you andyou were that confident in
yourself and she was like justto see you navigate through that
now.
And so, um, I think, just theway I moved, like even my mom
said that she was like you, just, you just kind of let yourself
go, you stop caring.
You know, there were timeswhere you used to do your makeup
and put on a cute outfit andyou just stopped doing all of
(10:12):
that.
And even, like me, just tellingmyself like, oh well, nobody
will ever want to be with me,right, um, I'm never going to be
able to attract anybody, youknow, and all of those things.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
So, yeah, Sorry, I was like whoa, she's going back.
Ok, how do you so?
What did that look like?
You're saying that you foundthat you lost yourself in him
through the blame game of theresponsibility, of what was
(10:49):
going on, the abuse that wasgoing on through the infidelity.
How do you describe you saidyour friend described you as
just being a baddie.
How do you describe how youwere when he met you?
Who were you when he met youand then who were you after that
(11:12):
?
You said you gave somedescriptions to the after that.
So who were you like?
Like, who was Latrice beforeand who was Latrice after the
infidelity and the blame game?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah.
So before it was like what mybest friend said.
Before I really was justconfident in myself and guys
would approach me quite oftenand I was like a no-nonsense,
like if somebody mistreated mein any type of way, I was like,
(11:49):
oh no, I deserve better, I'mdone with him.
You know what I'm saying?
And I here's the thing I didn'toperate in lack, I operated in
abundance, and that's what Iwould say.
So pre my marriage, I operatedin abundance because I knew who
I was and I knew whose.
I was too, at the AU, if wewant to be honest.
(12:10):
I knew who and whose I wasbecause, um, I did have I'm not
gonna say as strong as I do now,but I did have trust and a
foundation in God.
But then, talking about losingmyself in my marriage, and after
my marriage, I had gotten sowrapped up in him, my
relationship with God wascompletely gone.
He literally no lie, heliterally became my God.
(12:34):
I looked to him for guidance, Ilooked to him for affirmation,
I looked for him for certainty,and so when I left him, I was
operating in a spirit of lack,and so what that looked like was
like I said nobody will everwant me.
Um, I don't know how I'm gonnamake this.
I don't ever want to getmarried again because all men
(12:56):
cheat, all men are dogs.
There's no such thing as ahappy relationship.
Everything negative um that youcould have thought of about
life and about relationships.
I believe that because I I havebeen operating in a deficit for
so long when I left him,operating in lack just seemed
normal to me operating in lackjust seemed normal to me.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Listen, I also wanted to talk with you about how to
have that hard conversation,like when you sit down and
you're deciding that hardconversation to have.
I know that you've told us togive him those points, if he's
receptive of it, to give himthose points of things that
(13:42):
you're saying listen, right nowI need this.
Him those points of things thatyou're saying, listen, right
now, I need this.
I'm going to need this to feelreaffirmed and assured that
we're moving forward, thatyou're really invested, that
this is not something thatyou're going to do again to
rebuild this trust.
So, understand that component.
But how do you sit down withsomeone that in some sense, you
(14:04):
know it's been going on.
It's been going on so long?
It's kind of a routine to it.
Yeah, a part, it's become apart, a fiber of a thread in
your life that this happens.
You may even know who theperson is.
You're saying, no, you don't.
(14:27):
Oh, you're saying what I do, Ididn't do it, I'm just saying so
you may even know who theperson is and then you know it
becomes it normalized in yourrelationship.
Uh, a component, thatconversation.
(14:47):
How do you then muster up thethought process of okay, I want
to say this, but I don't want tobreak down and just be a blub
blubbering and not really getout what I want.
To make sure, even through thetears, I can get my point across
(15:09):
.
What are the top three pointsyou think need to be said so
it's understood?
Listen, I know what's going on.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Hmm, um, so I'm gonna break that up into two parts.
I think that, um, you know, howcan you?
You know this is probably gonnago against the grain what I'm
about to say, but I like to bereal, right and um, you can tell
(15:45):
people all along that, um, hey,these are, these are the
techniques that you should useonce you, you know, you know
you're ready to confront yourpartner, right, but the reality
is that that ain't gonna happenbecause you're gonna be so upset
you know, I'm saying you'regonna be so upset you you read
you here for it like you here togo off, like, and guess what, I
(16:08):
ain't gonna lie, I support it.
Now, this is the after party.
You know, I don't supportviolence or anything like that
but you know I'm saying, ifyou're in full rage, like I
support you coming at him andsaying, man, you, you dirty, you
so wrong, you're not callingabout his name or anything like
(16:30):
that, but I don't.
I don't think I have, like, anytechniques to give you for how
to confront your partner.
Um, because everybody isdifferent and that's going to
look different, but nine timesout of 10, when you find out,
and if you're ready to confronthim, all that logic and all of
that wisdom that you have heard,you know, you know that's out
(16:55):
the window, but what I will say,I will say when you do, though,
just make sure that you handleit like still in a level of
respect, because you never knowif you guys are going to work it
out, and one of the things thatI always say is that one thing
that me and my ex never did waswe never disrespected each other
.
So he never called me out of myname, I never called him out of
(17:17):
his name.
You know I'm saying I mighthave been like man, you wrong,
you foul, you dirty, but wenever said hurtful things to
each other, because we did havestill a level of respect and
love for one another.
So I would say, even when youdo bring it up, like, just have
a level of respect and rememberthat this is somebody that you
(17:39):
want or you do.
You do love, because if youdidn't, you wouldn't be
responding in that way.
But what I will say is you know, once that's over with Right
and you've addressed that, theworst thing that you can do is
ask questions like well, howmany times, why did you do this?
And this isn't my term, butthere's a term that another
(18:05):
infidelity.
She coaches on infidelity a lotas well and she calls it
investigative questions.
But I've kind of made up my owninvestigative questions and,
excuse me, some of the questionsthat I have my clients to ask,
right, and you don't ask all ofthese and I'm just going to name
off a few of them because Ihave a lot of different ones of
these.
And I'm just going to name offa few of them because I have a
(18:26):
lot of different ones.
But some of the investigativequestions that you could ask
were things like and I'm lookingdown in my list is what were
the factors or circumstancesthat led you to engage in the
affair?
What needs or desires did theaffair fulfill that you felt
were missing in our relationship?
How did you rationalize orjustify your actions at the time
that you felt were missing inour relationship?
How did you rationalize orjustify your actions at the time
(18:47):
that you were committing theinfidelity?
And so, because here's thething, asking questions like,
well, who is she and where shelive at how many times you do it
, that's not getting torestoration.
All that's doing is making itworse for you because you just
getting you know information.
It ain't that's not doinganything to your healing Right.
(19:10):
And so, when you talk aboutinvestigative questions, these
investigative questions willhelp you to truly get into the
mindset of your partner andunderstand why he did what he
did and, depending on thoseanswers, will help you also
determine okay, is this a goodperson to rebuild trust with, or
is his character such that he'sgoing to continue to live foul
(19:31):
in any relationship that he's in?
Okay?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
okay, okay, all right .
So this, this third questionthat I had for you and, trust me
, you have sparked morequestions, but these are the
ones that were guaranteed.
I want to get to the guaranteed.
I'm happy you cheated thestatement.
(19:54):
I'm happy.
Have you ever felt?
You know what?
I'm happy you did that, interms of the fact that you did
it way that you did it.
I found out and now I know howdo you feel about that statement
(20:16):
.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
I'm happy you cheated I say it all the time um, oh
look, I'm trying to think of.
Okay, I'm going to just tellyou the truth, right?
So I oftentimes practice myaward speeches.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Come on here.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Yeah, I do, and one of my award speeches is titled
Mama, we Made it, and it goesthrough all of our life
experiences.
You know for the times that youhad to choose between paying
the light bill and the hot waterbill.
(21:01):
And you paid the light so wecould have electricity, and we
bought the hot water so we couldtake a bath.
So we could have electricityand we bought the hot water, um,
so we could take a bath, and weput just a little bit of cold
water in there too to take abath.
Mama, we made it, um, for thetimes that my daddy would stop
working his job just so hecouldn't send me the 34 checks a
week child support checks aweek to me so that I could help
(21:23):
my mama pay the bills.
Mama, we made it For all thetimes that I found out that my
ex-husband cheated on me.
Mama, we made it For the timesthat I was going through
depression and I asked him whycouldn't he stop?
And he said he wouldn't gonnastop cold turkey.
Mama, we made it For all thehurt that he told me that I
wouldn't be anything without him, because he made me who I am.
(21:44):
Mama, we made it.
That's a reminder to me that Iwouldn't be half of the person,
half of the woman that I amtoday If I didn't have the
struggle of my daddy leaving me,if I didn't have the struggle
of my mama being a single parentand trying to make it on her
own, and if I didn't have anex-husband who I loved, his
(22:07):
dirty jaws, cheat on me for fiveyears consistently and I would
find out every six months likeclockwork for five years.
But because I dug myself, youknow, and I pulled myself out of
that and I healed, I got joynow and I wouldn't have that joy
.
(22:28):
Somebody asked me before what islife before infidelity?
And I thought that was a veryprofound question, because what
I told them is that life beforeinfidelity was this false sense
of knowing what self-love is.
It was a false sense of knowingwhat acceptance was of me.
(22:49):
I was walking around thinkingthat I knew what love was.
I was walking around thinkingthat I knew what confident was,
but it wasn't until I gotthrough my biggest pain of
walking away from my marriageand I would not be.
I just told somebody in theother podcast I wouldn't be this
person that you see right nowin this yellow shirt, in these
(23:12):
rainbow colored butterflyearrings Smiling In the middle
of the night telling about mystory.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
But I've made it Amen , but you made it so glad, I
made it so glad.
I'm sorry, come on, it's all inhere.
It's all in here.
Listen, this is about you.
Listen, I want to talk about.
You said your mom and then youmentioned um, um.
(23:41):
That just to me speaks togenerations of family.
You mentioned your dad and Iwant to know, in that pre
conversation, before you gotmarried, what do you think you
could have asked your husbandabout generationally, or what he
(24:02):
saw in his parents?
That may have been somethingthat could reveal or help you
see or help anyone see you know.
Let me ask these types ofquestions to see if infidelity
is something that this person isprone to.
(24:23):
Yeah, it's something that thisperson is prone to.
Yeah, mm, hmm, mm, hmm.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
What kind of questions would you suggest
someone ask?
So there's two parts to that.
In the podcast earlier todaythe lady asked me.
She said sometimes people sayyou just choose wrong.
You need to learn how to chooseright.
And so I gave her the exampleof how I was cheated on in my
(24:55):
marriage.
My mother was cheated on in hermarriage.
My grandmother was cheated onin her marriage.
So it's not so much about howto choose, it's about how we've
been taught what's acceptable ina relationship.
So my mama saw her mama getcheated on so she thought that
that was what love looked like,right.
(25:15):
So she accepted less thanbecause she saw her mother
accept less than right.
And so I saw my mother acceptless than and I thought that
that was what love was like.
So it's what you're beingtaught, not how you're choosing,
because when you're taughtright, you'll choose right.
And um, I'll say that to saythis my ex-husband, his daddy,
(25:40):
is who.
He is right and that's not.
I've never said that because Idon't want it to seem like I'm
talking bad about my umex-father-in-law, because I'm
not.
He's a great person.
However, historically he alsohas the history of of of being
unfaithful to his women, so alot of times, us, as women in
(26:02):
relationships, sometimes wedon't even have to ask questions
, we just have to look.
Go to that family reunion, girl.
Go to that family reunion andlisten, and listen, right,
because my ex-husband alwaystalks about the stuff that his
father does, my mother-in-lawwould always talk about the
stuff that my ex-husband fatherused to do, and so from there
(26:25):
then you can learn how toformulate questions.
Well, how do you feel aboutyour daddy doing X, y, z, and
then see what his perspective isand how he responds to you know
things about relationships,things about marriage, things
about fidelity, right, inrelationships.
So I think that there's twoparts, but the first part is
just watch, because it's gonnatell you a lot about what you
(26:47):
need to know okay, you just saidhis family and then you would,
you could watch and see what.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
if you watch and you're watching and you're
vigilant to look out and see,but what you're seeing and what
they're saying sound like youjust had some good food.
I'm sorry, that thing, whatyou're seeing and what they're
(27:23):
saying, what, what your partneris saying, is just not lining up
.
So that's how you talkedearlier about how the blame game
came into factor, how you wouldask what is this?
(27:43):
Or confront the the situation.
And it's because you, becauseyou, because you.
So how do you take this is whatI'm seeing, but this is what
you're saying, but this isn'tlining up.
How do you, before you go downthat pitfall I've been there, I
have been at the bottom of thatwell, so this is not in judgment
(28:06):
, this is totally in my heart towant to help Before you go to
the bottom of that well, justfalling, throwing yourself away
on the sword, being thesacrificial lamb, to fix and put
this together, because that'susually what women want to do
and I will say usually, becauseit's not all women want to do is
(28:30):
to hold things together and tobe that helpmate.
How do you help someone to seethe balance of this.
What's being said, this is whatyou're saying, this is what's
being done.
How do you get them to uhchoose what the reality of the
(28:51):
situation is in terms of wordsover actions?
Speaker 2 (28:58):
yeah.
So this is like before youactually make a decision to
marry someone.
Yes, okay.
And so it's like kind of likethe example I said, where, like
if the father like I've seen alot of things, but then if the
like my partner, if he wasn'tlying, like his words and stuff
(29:18):
wasn't what in agreement withwhat his dad was doing, or in
agreement with his own actions,like you're asking him about his
father.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
But then you're seeing different things in him,
in the things that he's doinglate night texts, getting up,
leaving, taking your phone, um,never, ever, like you, never,
ever have access to.
Not that you need.
You don't need access tosomeone's phone.
If you trust them, you trustthem, but if you feel something,
(29:48):
how do you address that?
Speaker 2 (29:53):
um, okay, well, I hope I'm answering your question
.
Uh, because I think the firstpart to that is uh, because I
think the first part to that isyou.
I feel like how they're askinganswering the questions.
Um, when you ask them about,like their parents or whatever,
(30:14):
like, like I said, asking themabout their, his father's
history, um, a lot of the timespeople are going to justify a
particular sex, and what I meanby that is whenever I would ask
my um ex-husband and we werejust dating at the time I would
ask him particular questions orhe would just bring up stuff.
(30:36):
He always blamed his mom for whyhis dad did what he did.
Right, when he would talk abouthis sister-in-law I mean his
sister, my sister-in-law andtheir marriage it was always his
sister and never the man.
So to me that should have beena red flag from the beginning
(30:58):
that he justifies behaviors ofmen and men don't have any
responsibility for the decisionsthat they make.
So I think that you really haveto, because I think a lot of
times we'll be like, oh, but myman different.
Oh, yeah, you know, yeah, he'ssaying that about this person
and yeah, he's saying that abouthis daddy and his
brother-in-law, but my man isdifferent.
(31:19):
If he is in agreement with thewhat you know I'm saying, if
he's in an agreement withmistreatment of a person,
doesn't matter if it's a man ora woman um, that means that he
believes that that type ofbehavior is okay and it is
justifiable if you need to do it.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
But I found out the hard way, but what she said, and
I found out the hard way.
But what if he agrees?
What if he agrees with yourpoint of view?
There are some people that Ifind and I'm not saying men, I'm
saying people that are verysavvy, yeah, with agreeing with
you, figuring out okay, you're,you're in this situation, this
(32:03):
is the side of the fence you'reon.
I'm going to be on this side ofthe fence with you so that you
can feel I'm, I'm a safe bet,but I'm still going to be doing
these things.
So it's like what I say and whatI do don't match up.
Listen, I'm telling you, theytotally make you feel like you
crazy.
Do don't match up.
Listen, I'm telling you, theytotally make you feel like you
(32:25):
crazy.
Yes, ma'am, listen.
So that's what I'm, that'swhere I'm.
I'm getting at the.
The thing of making you feellike, no, why would you say that
?
You know, I said this and Isaid that and this is how I
think and this is how I'm like,yeah, but I'm not.
I know, I just saw you, I know,I know I'm, I know I'm not, I
know I'm not.
But then it kind of puts you inthis spiral thing of
(32:49):
questioning even the things thatyou're seeing over what the
person?
Just?
How do you, how do you helppeople have a better weight on
people's actions over words?
People can say all day I'm notgonna do something to you, yeah,
(33:13):
and still be doing it, yep sohow do you help people determine
like a person's actions overtheir words?
Speaker 2 (33:25):
right yes, um, oh, that's a really good question.
So if you already know thatwhen you come to them, they're
they're not going to be truthful, right, because you know,
because gas lighting is a realthing, it's a whole thing.
And see, I love this becauseeven in my devotional I have a
(33:47):
day about gas lighting and Ithink I called it like gas
lighting versus accountability,and so it's talking about, like,
looking at the process ofthings, right, and it's.
Even if you bring something upto a person, right, and I know
this is just still the words.
But if you bring something upto a person, how do they respond
(34:09):
?
If they say, man, you crazy,that ain't what you saw.
Man, you saw me do X, y, z, youknow it.
Gaslighting you, right, gettingyou to tank your reality of the
truth because you know that yousaw what you saw.
You to tank your reality of thetruth because you know that you
saw what you saw.
Um, but, uh, but a but a greatperson who's not trying to be
narcissistic and who's nottrying to gaslight.
You will come at it and say,hey, that wasn't my intent when
(34:32):
I said this or when you saw melooking at this, and then
they'll even actually show you.
You know what I'm saying and so, to me, like that, the actions
are what is the person showing.
Because, even if they're sayingsomething different, at the end
of the day you have to believeyourself and believe what you
(34:52):
saw, and believe that you aren'tcrazy.
And so you have to like, justit's facts are facts, right, and
if you know that you saw whatyou saw, if they cannot prove to
you otherwise that you're nottripping, that you're not crazy,
and all they can say is theycan use the words to try to pit
against you, but they're notdoing anything.
(35:14):
Like I said, the example ofwhere they'll be like hey, this
is what I meant by this.
Look, let me show you this iswhat I was trying to do, right?
I'm sorry that you interpretedit right.
I'm sorry that you interpretedit that way, or I'm sorry that
you saw it that way, but here'show I really.
This is what I really meant bythat.
And so if they are like, reallya truthful person, their
actions are going to align withthat, right, their character is
(35:36):
going to align with those things.
But if it's not, you reallyalready have your truth because
you've seen it with your owneyes, because you've seen it
with your own eyes.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
You keep bringing up this same word.
You brought it up in theepisode.
You brought it up twice, atminimum twice here, and I want
you to tell everyone how toidentify a narcissist.
What are the characteristics?
You, alright, what did I do?
I did something.
(36:10):
It's me.
What did I do?
Speaker 2 (36:14):
look, you just said narcissist.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
I'm like alright, now identify characteristics of a
narcissist, so that someone canunderstand what is your
definition and then what are thecharacteristics?
Speaker 2 (36:27):
okay, um, I always have a really rough definition
of narcissist and narcissist tome.
I kind of use narcissist andgaslighting.
Even though they're different,I kind of use them the same, but
basically, um, a narcissist,slash, gaslighter is someone who
, um, tried, not tries, someonewho, uh, is only selfish and is
(36:53):
self-fulfilling, so everythingis all about themselves.
And, um, they do everything intheir power to taint your
reality of what is yourperception or what is your
reality, like other things thatyou've seen and all those things
.
They do a great job of taintingyour reality to cause you to
think that you're crazy.
(37:14):
And that's like a roughdefinition of what a narcissist
and gaslighter is.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
Yeah, because I can add to that Mm hmm of what a
narcissist and gaslighter is.
Yeah, because can I add to thatMm-hmm To have you thinking
that you're crazy to the pointthat they have you thinking that
you're the issue, mm-hmm,you're the problem, and that
you're not doing enough Mm-hmm,mm-hmm To cause them to want to
(37:40):
be.
Whoever that firstrepresentative you met was,
listen, they have the knack ofshowing you that representative.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, amazing.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Mm-hmm.
Amazing.
Speaker 2 (37:58):
Yep, yep and their key part, their key role or
their key goal.
Their key goal is to gaincontrol over you.
So they do that in taintingyour reality, they do that in
minimizing you and making youfeel less than so that they can
gain that control over you thatthey can gain that control over
(38:26):
you, my goodness.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
So let's get some examples out here.
I'll start with the first one.
They will do things such as anarcissist will do things such
as tell you no one else wantsyou and it's up to you to, like
you said, not lose yourself, notwrap yourself up into someone
(38:48):
else so much so that youactually believe this is the
only person on this entireplanet.
Yeah, that would ever beinterested in me.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
while they treat you like trash, tag you it um, oh, a
narcissist will have youthinking that, um, they, you.
So they'll say something likeyou're the woman that you are
(39:28):
because of me.
I've taught you everything thatyou know.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
Wow, A narcissist will have you thinking that OK,
ladies, look, I'm about to godeep.
I want nobody getting offended.
Don't go in the comments onthis.
Take this whatever way you needto take this A narcissist, I
will give it to you.
(39:55):
A narcissist, just as in themovie Baby Boy sisters.
Just as in the movie, Baby Boywill have you allowing him to
take your car while he has nojob to go to, while he's
dropping you off to your nine tofive, running out your gas and
putting the mileage on your carand then coming back how you had
no job to go to.
(40:15):
I apologize for anyinconvenience I may have caused
anyone.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
Now Baby Boy is my movie.
So you know you're trading onthin water.
Just be careful now.
Be careful over there.
Baby Boy, you know how Facebookhad those little things like it
said what type of wife are you?
So I just played the game andit said I was Yvette from Baby
Boy and I was like the game andit said I was Yvette from baby
boy and I was like I take itbecause that's my movie.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
That's my movie, I ain't gonna lie what in that
movie great, we're in the moviebaby boy in that movie.
What in that movie could yousee?
Um Taraji's character?
What did you say?
Her name was Yvette Yvette.
What in the movie could you see?
(41:10):
Wow, that Yvette did repeatedlyI'm trying to formulate this
question without giving you theanswer did more than once,
(41:35):
because it looks as though shedid not know or did not want to
be without a partner um.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
You said what does she constantly do?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
yeah, she did more than once.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
It's your movie, it is um, like I don't know, she
argued with him too much and shealways gave him chance after
chance, after chance.
And here's another part we'retalking about narcissistic too
is she always went back to himand it wasn't until that very
(42:26):
last one where, well, no, Iwould even say she went back to
him and then and so that'sanother thing too about
narcissists they always theymake you believe that you need
them.
And so you know, she was alwaysgoing back to the baby boy,
because she went back to himwhen our breaks went out.
You know, I baby boy, becauseshe went back to him when her
breaks went out, you know whatI'm saying.
Then she went back to him whenSnoop Dogg came and wouldn't
leave the house, and so I wouldsay that part, I'm talking about
(42:49):
that part.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
She just was no, I'm going to keep somebody.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
That was just uncomfortable.
It's like, okay, now you seethis isn't good, and now you see
this isn't good.
And now you feel stuck, butyou're still, and then you just
went from one person to the nextperson.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Yeah, just using that as an example of something I
think that women do.
I I am here to help us wake upin this conversation, but I
think there are certain womenthat just cannot, don't want to
(43:39):
not have someone yeah, um.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
So someone was asking me like, okay, what was my
dating experience like?
And, um, a couple of weeks ago,someone was at my house and, um
, they're still married.
Their husband has cheated onthem horrible too.
Um, but they're still married,but they're separated now.
And so, uh, she was gettingready to go out and she was like
(44:07):
, where, brie, where can I goover here and meet some good men
?
And I'm thinking to myself, sis,you don't need to be trying to
meet nobody because, baby, youstill married.
You know what I'm saying.
And after you get your divorce,you don't need to be out here
in these streets trying to date,you need to heal.
But, um, I don't to me, it justlets me know.
(44:28):
Like, okay, you really need myservices, friend.
So you want to come to mebecause it's like, but that's
normal, right, because I saythat to say this.
When I first got my divorce,baby, I got out in the streets,
I got to date, you know, becauseI, I was, you know, shoot, I
thought I needed but see, thatwas validating to me right to
always have somebody in my in mycorner.
(44:50):
And I needed somebodyconstantly in my corner to
validate me, because I did notknow how to validate myself and
so say that again, I always hadto have somebody in my corner to
validate me because I didn'tknow how to validate myself.
And so a lot of people jumpfrom relationship to
(45:12):
relationship because they'relooking for somebody to fulfill
a void that they have withinthemselves, because they
themselves don't know how tofill that void within themselves
.
And so when we talk about ourweight, like when we talk about
all men cheating all that stuff,I look at the woman, I'm like
so every person that you attractis a cheater?
And they're like, yeah, I'm like, okay, it's not the man, is you
(45:34):
.
It's a void you need to fix.
There's a void, there's atrauma that you need to heal.
There's this childhood wound,there's this attachment style
that you need to go into andheal so that you don't attract
all those things.
But as long as you are allowingyourself to stay busy with man
after man after man or men, withwomen after women after women,
(45:56):
um, you're never going to healthat, so that you can actually
find somebody who can fulfillyou and not be like your better
half, right, or let me saycompliment you and not complete
you.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Last question.
This may open a whole bunch ofquestions.
Questions but life afterinfidelity.
What do you do when it ends upbitter and you end up untrusting
(46:34):
and feel as though it's myfault?
How do I?
You never knew what happened.
You're like what happened?
Why did this happen?
You don't have a clear answeror understanding.
(46:55):
How can you move on without aclear answer or understanding to
let go of that bitterness, tolet go of that anger?
To let go of that bitterness,to let go of that anger, to let
go of that self-doubt whichcauses you not to trust?
Speaker 2 (47:10):
um, forgiveness, but it's like what I talked about in
the first episode or theprevious episode we just
finished recording.
It's forgiveness of yourselfbecause I didn't get closure.
I didn't get closure, you know,from my, from my ex, but I had
to move on and the biggest thingthat I had to do was forgive
(47:32):
myself because a lot of thatbitterness and anger was
attached to me.
Um, just seeing how low I hadlet myself go and the
embarrassment that I had becausea lot of my family had already
known that he was cheating on me, because he had a whole tinder
account out here and a lot of myfamily had already saw his
tinder account.
So I was embarrassed you knowwhat I'm saying.
(47:54):
And then every time that I tookhim back, like I said, I knew
for five years and I would takehim back every single time.
And so a lot, lot of thebitterness for me and a lot of
the bitterness that I know forsure come from a lot of women
that I coach is that they'reangry with themselves and they
need to first forgive themselves.
Speaker 1 (48:16):
Forgive, go ahead, I'm listening.
Speaker 2 (48:20):
I'm sorry I was just saying like you don't know what
you don't know.
This is your first time everbeing cheated on, so how do you
know how to respondappropriately?
How do you know how to leaveand don't look back?
How do you know not to go backafter you said you would never
go back?
You know what I'm saying, andso you have to learn how to
forgive yourself and giveyourself compassion as you are
(48:42):
navigating new territory.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
And that comes with that.
Perform that, that plan thatyou help them make up.
Is that a component of the plan?
How not to fall into thissituation again?
I keep referring to it as a pit, because it just feels like it
takes you down so far.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
Mm, hmm, mm, hmm.
Yeah to it as a pit, because itjust feels like it takes you
down so far.
Yeah, so all of that, all ofthat is in there.
But the biggest part to that isthat I tell them to have
compassion on themselves becauseyou know, we're like all these
self-help videos out there onYouTube and listening to
Instagram I mean a podcast allthe time and stuff, right, we
(49:24):
just have so much access toself-help and self-development
so we're just super hard onourselves whenever we revert
back or we regress, right.
And I always tell my clients ifyou have a bad day, that's okay
, you're human.
Like we have to get out of themode or the space that you know
(49:44):
you've made the decision to healor you've made the decision to
develop yourself personally,that you're not going to have
any down days, that you're notgoing to have any days where you
feel like you're regressing,but it's okay to have ebbs and
flows as you are navigating this.
Speaker 1 (50:04):
It's okay to have ebbs and flows as you are
navigating this, which you havedone yet again with great
precision.
I appreciate you staying in theafter party and having this
conversation with us.
Ladies and gentlemen, this isBrianna Latrice.
(50:24):
She's a fair recovery coachListen, coming soon.
She has a devotional Healingthe Heart from Infidelity a
49-day journal.
It is coming soon.
I will tell you how to getthere, because there's also
coming soon a book where healingwants to be.
(50:46):
Listen, there is some healingthat wants to be in that space
where that hurt and that pain is.
So you want to definitely getthat information.
Life After Fidelity, volume 1.
You also want to make sure thatyou get the Boundaries
(51:09):
Questions ebook.
And that's how you get theebook.
It's going to be in thedescription box for this episode
.
But to get those two books andto keep up with that information
that will be coming out, youdefinitely want to either email
or text.
Check her website.
(51:30):
Her website is amazing.
Check her website so you cansee how you can book a
consultation with her A free, afree, 15 minute consultation.
You can go on there and justmake sure that you book that If
you feel like this is somethingyou're going through.
This is a decision that you'refacing.
(51:51):
This is a situation that you'refacing or you have faced it
years ago and you feel like Ihave never fully gotten over
this.
I have not recovered from this.
I have not healed from this.
This is still holding me back,holding me down.
Let her help you free yourself,because she's going to give you
those tools that you need.
(52:11):
You can also follow her onTikTok and Instagram at life,
underscore after underscoreinfidelity there is supposed to
be an underscore there.
I will make sure that is rightwhen we put that in the
description box.
Listen, book your freeconsultation, call that 15
minutes.
I just want to keep going backto that, to make sure you take
(52:33):
the opportunity to speakindividually about your own
individual situation so that shecan help you and you can see if
she can see, if you can see ifthat's who you can work with and
she can see if she can help you.
All right, and she has an event.
(52:53):
Explain this event, ma'am.
I just I didn't get enough.
I didn't get enough explanationon the event.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
So dancing through love.
I have two different dancecoaches I have a sensual dance
coach and then I have a hip hopfitness dance coach as well, and
so how this kind of came aboutwas that when I was going
through my darkest times in mymarriage and I was still married
, one of the things that I woulddo is dance, and so I would go
(53:27):
to like all type of dancingclasses.
I would go to Zumba like anydance class that was available
in the Metroplex.
I was there and it just gave mean hour of just not being
bogged down with that.
It gave me a time to expressmyself.
But also it's important with asensual dancing piece,
(53:50):
especially for women who've beencheated on and, like you've
seen pictures of the other women, you're very self-conscious
about your body, and so we'regoing to be helping women to get
back in tune with their bodyand gain confidence in their
body as well.
So it's gonna be a whole vibe.
I'm excited it's gonna be awhole vibe.
Speaker 1 (54:08):
And then I want you to let them know about your
amazing podcast, life afterinfidelity podcast, hosted by
the one, the only, the amazing,brianna yes, so life after
infidelity podcast.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
You can find me, um, on youtube, spotify, apple, all
the things, wherever.
Whatever your podcast podcastplatform is, you can find me
just type in life afterinfidelity and I I will most
definitely pop up.
Episodes drop every Monday at 7am.
So make sure you subscribe soyou can get the notifications of
(54:48):
when I drop a new episode.
Speaker 1 (54:50):
There it is, Ladies and gentlemen.
You have it.
Boys and girls.
I pray that this was cleanenough so that if you're in a
relationship, you can watch outfor those flags and for those
moms and dads.
You want to have thisconversation with your children.
(55:11):
How important do you think thatconversation?
I thought there was no otherquestion.
But how important do you think?
Because you said you went backgenerations through your family
my mom was cheated on, my momwas cheated on, my grandma was
cheated on.
You felt like it was somethingthat was passed down.
Then you talked about theactual person who did the
infidelity towards you.
(55:31):
You said, well, his dad.
And he talked about his mom andhis sister and her boyfriend
and just the male, his viewingon the infidelity being the
fault of the person not beingenough.
How does that conversation lookwhen you sit down, when you're
(55:52):
starting to tell your child oryour kid or your teenager?
You know, I know you'reinterested, I hear you know you
have a boyfriend or you'rethinking about having a
girlfriend, or just groomingyour child as they grow up.
Period, Just grooming yourchild, because that really
wasn't a thing for me in myhouse when my kids coming up.
(56:15):
So just grooming your children.
What kind of conversation.
What are the things you want tohighlight to make sure they
know to watch out for?
Speaker 2 (56:24):
yeah, um, I did a workshop once for black women
healing retreat and I titled it.
My mother is disqualified toteach me what she didn't learn.
And before I did the workshop,I surveyed several women from
their 20s to their 60s and oneof the questions that I asked
(56:48):
was you know what is somethingthat you wish your mother would
have taught you or shown you?
And about 95% of theparticipants said that they wish
that their mother would haveshown them what vulnerability
looked like, that they wish thattheir mothers would have
expressed some type of emotionin the household, like they
(57:10):
never saw their mothers cry.
And so when you ask about whatdoes that conversation look like
in Black households, we have tobe okay and this is for men and
women.
We have to be okay with lettingour kids see that we hurt as
well, because I never saw howhurt my mom was from her
(57:34):
marriage and her husbandcheating on her, her ex-husband
cheating on her.
That's why I thought that thatwas okay, because in my eyes, it
didn't bother my mama, itdidn't faze her.
She was still going to workevery day, she wasn't crying.
She you know, I'm saying infront of me she was being this
brave superwoman.
And then the same goes for mygrandmother.
(57:55):
My grandmother didn't show anyemotion.
She was being this bravesuperwoman.
And I think that we have tochange that narrative of stop
being the strong black woman,stop being a strong black man in
our households and let ourchildren see what hurt and pain
looks like and how we navigatethrough that, so that when they
(58:17):
do get to those they can say, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I remember what it looked likewhen my mama went through that
and she was hurt and devastatedand she was telling me things
about this.
So I'm a pause and I'm a goahead.
I'm a go the other way becauseI don't want to go through that,
because my mama has already, ormy dad has already, put me on
game of what this could mean forme emotionally and
(58:38):
psychologically and I don'twant't want that yeah, you just
pushed the pause in me.
Speaker 1 (58:46):
Okay, I'm back.
I'm just saying I was there, Iwas literally going, okay, yeah,
it happened to me, did I know?
But I did, okay, I see.
Hmm, all right, thank you, Iappreciate you.
I appreciate you very muchbeing here.
(59:08):
I appreciate you taking thetime yet again to stay for the
after party, because after theshow it's the after party.
What look?
And?
Speaker 2 (59:21):
this light is showing up during this after party.
I'm like come on light, justkeep it together.
Speaker 1 (59:27):
We almost done Right right Up top, please.
Technology can do what it wantsto do.
The message is going to get out.
I appreciate you for yourvulnerability.
I appreciate you for sharingthe intimate details and really
just having taking the time tothink and give a really
(59:51):
applicable answer.
Applicable and something youcan apply, something that that
you can actually take theinformation and apply it and
really work with it.
So thank you yet yet again.
You're amazing.
Can't wait to have you backwhen you drop those books, ma'am
I totally forgot.
Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
I have a t-shirt line coming out it's quotes.
I know it's quotes from thebook.
Uh, that are going to be ont-shirts and they will actually
launch this Friday, so I'mexcited.
Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Wait, say that again.
Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
I was like I'm excited.
That's not how you said thatTotally forgot.
Like you said, I've been doingso much.
Yes, I've been forgetting whatI got going on.
But yeah, so I have a storedropping and it's cute little
quotes.
Like I said, they're from thebook shirts, purses and journals
, so super excited.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
So they can go to your website.
Speaker 2 (01:00:54):
Yes, they can go to my website.
It'll be under apparel, or youcan just follow me again on
Instagram.
I'll be launching the links and, um, you can actually go on
there.
Now I have um, what the shirtswill look like and, uh, just be
ready for it to drop beforeblack friday, on friday baby be
ready with your shirts.
Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Oh my goodness ma'am.
Speaker 2 (01:01:21):
Okay, let me go over here now because I forgot about
the background music.
Speaker 1 (01:01:27):
I think it just gives energy.
It gives the energy and keepsthe conversation moves, like one
side of your brain is thethinking part and one is the
artistic and so creative, and soI just I just like to have that
there, as long as it's notinterfering.
If it's interfering with thequality of the episode, yeah,
that's got to go because theinformation needs to get out.
(01:01:49):
I appreciate you taking thetime to stay for the after party
.
Yes, thank you for having me,and there are even more.
Miss T-shirt line dropping.
Congratulations, thank you thankyou all right, everybody, we're
gonna get out of here.
I appreciate you guys takingthe time to invest in yourself.
(01:02:10):
Let me be the first one to giveyou some applause again.
If infidelity is something youare facing, there's a coach
right here.
This is ready, willing and ableto help in your situation.
She's a an affair recoverycoach.
(01:02:32):
Why?
Because there is life afterinfidelity.
Y'all have a great one.
See you next time.
Bye.
Welcome to the after party.
This is after party number 14from episode 33 of Confident U
podcast.
Listen, I have with us in thistime we have Brianna Latrice and
a fair recovery coach, andthere was some things that I
(00:25):
just wanted to continue todiscuss, some things to continue
to touch on.
We're gonna start with where Iended.
Listen, the last thing I saidwe would talk about was that was
your first time that you wereleft.
Listen.
If you're going wait, why arewe just diving into the
conversation?
How do I not know what's goingon?
(00:47):
You want to go back and watchthe episode of Confident you
podcast that?
this is the after conversationto listen that in that episode
it has a title of why evilpeople don't hurt.
Listen, but the conversationliterally went through the ins
(01:09):
and outs of infidelity beingthat person who has been cheated
on, being that person who nowneeds to decide whether you stay
or go.
So now we're going into howthis infidelity has affected our
guest and how she spoke on afew things.
(01:29):
So I just pulled a few of thosethings out and I wanted to
expound on them in this afterparty.
Listen, you said the first timeI left, just that phrase alone.
You said yeah.
You said yeah.
You said I was not, because inthat time we were talking about
being financially prepared orbeing prepared, and you were
(01:51):
stating how you only left thatfirst time with $5.
So how did that, would you say?
The first time you left was themost unprepared time that you
left.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Yeah, I would Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
What are the top three?
You already gave us number one,number one.
You left with $5, but what werethe other two?
Like in the top three thingareas that you're saying listen,
I wasn't prepared for this, Iwasn't prepared for this, I
wasn't prepared for that oh,that's a good question.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay, so, besides financially, um, and are we
talking about like the firsttime I left, or just like within
any of the times I left withinany of the times.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
What?
What are the other top twowhere you were not?
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Okay, oh Lord, so many going through my head, so
financially.
And then I would probably sayloneliness, like you know what
I'm saying, like you know thatshoot, you gonna be single and
(03:06):
you gonna be alone.
But I wasn't really preparedfor what that was going to look
and feel like.
And even though your friendsand your loved ones say they're
going to be there to support you, you know they don't have the
capacity to be there with youall the time and so wasn't
prepared for the loneliness.
(03:26):
And then, honestly, I wasn'tprepared for the insecurity.
A part of why I stayed, I think,was just knowing that I had a
partner.
Validated my insecurities.
Validated my insecurities, um,when I was alone, by myself,
(03:53):
with no one.
It was like I had to acceptthat I was alone and so that
just fed in even more to myinsecurities of, oh, you're not
beautiful, you know I'm sayinglike, whatever insecurities
you're dealing with, um, it justintensified my insecurities
when I left and what's anotherthing that you would say you
were not prepared forfinancially, you weren't
(04:16):
prepared for being alone, theloneliness of it.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
What else were you not prepared for in the times
that you chose to leave?
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yeah, it's that part, the insecurities like speaking
to my insecurities and I didn'treally know I was dealing with
insecurities.
I think I was so wrapped up inhim that I hadn't had the time
to really look within myself,and so you could say
insecurities are dealing withmyself and seeing myself for the
(04:52):
first time after years of beingin a toxic relationship, like
actually looking at myself andseeing the person I had become
and accepting that.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Right, what were?
What is your statistic?
Because I know there arestatistics on how many times
someone may go back and go backand forth with the goal going
back and leaving and choosing toleave, and then going back and
choosing to leave for you, justintimately for you.
How many times was that before?
Speaker 2 (05:28):
that was the final time so you know, the statistic
is about four to five times andI want to say I probably went
back about five times for sureabout.
Speaker 1 (05:43):
What made it the final straw?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Look, do I want to share the story or do we got to
make them go?
Listen to the first episode.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
Oh, that is in the first Listen.
If you want to hear the fullstory, you can go back to
episode 22.
You are correct.
Oh, my goodness, you can goback to episode 22.
So, you, you.
That was the first thing that Iwanted to to touch on um of the
three things that I wanted totouch on from our previous
(06:14):
conversation, but now you havesparked something else.
You said that you were wrappedup in him.
So how can you, what did thatlook like, wrapped up in him?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
um, my life was devoted to making him happy, um,
because you know, once you findout that the love of your life
has cheated on you, uh,especially if they are toxic,
right, and don't hold themselvesaccountable, they'll put all
(06:50):
the blame on you.
And so that's what he did.
He put all the blame on me.
I'm not going to say all, butI'm going to say about 90% of
the blame he put on me.
And so I, for years, I workedhard to make him happy.
I worked hard to, you know,please him.
So I literally, um, things Iwould do were, um, I remember
(07:15):
the text messages that he wassending to other women, and I
would try to emulate thoseconversations in text, right,
and so a lot of the things thatI was doing, I was doing because
he, you know, I thought that heliked them.
So, you know, I would wearclothes that I that he said that
he liked.
(07:36):
You know, even though I didn'tcare for that particular style
of dress, I would do stuff likethat.
Like he didn't like me going tobars and clubs.
So when my friends would go tobars and clubs, I would have to
stay home and I'd be at home bymyself, cause he'd be out doing
his own thing, and then myfriends would be in the bars.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.
I had a real quick flashback.
No, you're fine.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
But you know, that's what I mean.
I got lost in him and so when Icame out of it I didn't know
who I was.
So I really had to learn who Iwas, because sitting up watching
basketball every day wasn't mything, that was his.
But I found myself like stilldoing that and then I realized
(08:27):
that doesn't excite me, you know, um, and so just the stuff that
I did, uh, that was alwaysbased off of him.
I didn't, I didn't.
But in a part of that I got solost in him, um, and my
self-esteem was so low that,like I said, when I did leave
him, seeing that I actually hadself-esteem was was what it
(08:53):
started to surface that I hadlow self-esteem once he was no
longer in the picture, um, Istarted to see that, and that
was hard to um, embrace andacknowledge how did you start to
see that?
um, just in the way that Italked to myself and in the way
(09:13):
that I moved, and it must havebeen like in the way that I
carried myself too, because Iremember, uh, my best friend at
the time.
She had stopped talking to meat one point and she was like
she had to pull herself backfrom our friendship because she
couldn't.
And it was just like you knewthat every dude at the college
(09:48):
campus wanted to talk to you andyou were that confident in
yourself and she was like justto see you navigate through that
now.
And so, um, I think, just theway I moved, like even my mom
said that she was like you, just, you just kind of let yourself
go, you stop caring.
You know, there were timeswhere you used to do your makeup
and put on a cute outfit andyou just stopped doing all of
(10:12):
that.
And even, like me, just tellingmyself like, oh well, nobody
will ever want to be with me,right, um, I'm never going to be
able to attract anybody, youknow, and all of those things.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
So, yeah, Sorry, I was like whoa, she's going back.
Ok, how do you so?
What did that look like?
You're saying that you foundthat you lost yourself in him
through the blame game of theresponsibility, of what was
(10:49):
going on, the abuse that wasgoing on through the infidelity.
How do you describe you saidyour friend described you as
just being a baddie.
How do you describe how youwere when he met you?
Who were you when he met youand then who were you after that
(11:12):
?
You said you gave somedescriptions to the after that.
So who were you like?
Like, who was Latrice beforeand who was Latrice after the
infidelity and the blame game?
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yeah.
So before it was like what mybest friend said.
Before I really was justconfident in myself and guys
would approach me quite oftenand I was like a no-nonsense,
like if somebody mistreated mein any type of way, I was like,
(11:49):
oh no, I deserve better, I'mdone with him.
You know what I'm saying?
And I here's the thing I didn'toperate in lack, I operated in
abundance, and that's what Iwould say.
So pre my marriage, I operatedin abundance because I knew who
I was and I knew whose.
I was too, at the AU, if wewant to be honest.
(12:10):
I knew who and whose I wasbecause, um, I did have I'm not
gonna say as strong as I do now,but I did have trust and a
foundation in God.
But then, talking about losingmyself in my marriage, and after
my marriage, I had gotten sowrapped up in him, my
relationship with God wascompletely gone.
He literally no lie, heliterally became my God.
(12:34):
I looked to him for guidance, Ilooked to him for affirmation,
I looked for him for certainty,and so when I left him, I was
operating in a spirit of lack,and so what that looked like was
like I said nobody will everwant me.
Um, I don't know how I'm gonnamake this.
I don't ever want to getmarried again because all men
(12:56):
cheat, all men are dogs.
There's no such thing as ahappy relationship.
Everything negative um that youcould have thought of about
life and about relationships.
I believe that because I I havebeen operating in a deficit for
so long when I left him,operating in lack just seemed
normal to me operating in lackjust seemed normal to me.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Listen, I also wanted to talk with you about how to
have that hard conversation,like when you sit down and
you're deciding that hardconversation to have.
I know that you've told us togive him those points, if he's
receptive of it, to give himthose points of things that
(13:42):
you're saying listen, right nowI need this.
Him those points of things thatyou're saying, listen, right
now, I need this.
I'm going to need this to feelreaffirmed and assured that
we're moving forward, thatyou're really invested, that
this is not something thatyou're going to do again to
rebuild this trust.
So, understand that component.
But how do you sit down withsomeone that in some sense, you
(14:04):
know it's been going on.
It's been going on so long?
It's kind of a routine to it.
Yeah, a part, it's become apart, a fiber of a thread in
your life that this happens.
You may even know who theperson is.
You're saying, no, you don't.
(14:27):
Oh, you're saying what I do, Ididn't do it, I'm just saying so
you may even know who theperson is and then you know it
becomes it normalized in yourrelationship.
Uh, a component, thatconversation.
(14:47):
How do you then muster up thethought process of okay, I want
to say this, but I don't want tobreak down and just be a blub
blubbering and not really getout what I want.
To make sure, even through thetears, I can get my point across
(15:09):
.
What are the top three pointsyou think need to be said so
it's understood?
Listen, I know what's going on.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Hmm, um, so I'm gonna break that up into two parts.
I think that, um, you know, howcan you?
You know this is probably gonnago against the grain what I'm
about to say, but I like to bereal, right and um, you can tell
(15:45):
people all along that, um, hey,these are, these are the
techniques that you should useonce you, you know, you know
you're ready to confront yourpartner, right, but the reality
is that that ain't gonna happenbecause you're gonna be so upset
you know, I'm saying you'regonna be so upset you you read
you here for it like you here togo off, like, and guess what, I
(16:08):
ain't gonna lie, I support it.
Now, this is the after party.
You know, I don't supportviolence or anything like that
but you know I'm saying, ifyou're in full rage, like I
support you coming at him andsaying, man, you, you dirty, you
so wrong, you're not callingabout his name or anything like
(16:30):
that, but I don't.
I don't think I have, like, anytechniques to give you for how
to confront your partner.
Um, because everybody isdifferent and that's going to
look different, but nine timesout of 10, when you find out,
and if you're ready to confronthim, all that logic and all of
that wisdom that you have heard,you know, you know that's out
(16:55):
the window, but what I will say,I will say when you do, though,
just make sure that you handleit like still in a level of
respect, because you never knowif you guys are going to work it
out, and one of the things thatI always say is that one thing
that me and my ex never did waswe never disrespected each other
.
So he never called me out of myname, I never called him out of
(17:17):
his name.
You know I'm saying I mighthave been like man, you wrong,
you foul, you dirty, but wenever said hurtful things to
each other, because we did havestill a level of respect and
love for one another.
So I would say, even when youdo bring it up, like, just have
a level of respect and rememberthat this is somebody that you
(17:39):
want or you do.
You do love, because if youdidn't, you wouldn't be
responding in that way.
But what I will say is you know, once that's over with Right
and you've addressed that, theworst thing that you can do is
ask questions like well, howmany times, why did you do this?
And this isn't my term, butthere's a term that another
(18:05):
infidelity.
She coaches on infidelity a lotas well and she calls it
investigative questions.
But I've kind of made up my owninvestigative questions and,
excuse me, some of the questionsthat I have my clients to ask,
right, and you don't ask all ofthese and I'm just going to name
off a few of them because Ihave a lot of different ones of
these.
And I'm just going to name offa few of them because I have a
(18:26):
lot of different ones.
But some of the investigativequestions that you could ask
were things like and I'm lookingdown in my list is what were
the factors or circumstancesthat led you to engage in the
affair?
What needs or desires did theaffair fulfill that you felt
were missing in our relationship?
How did you rationalize orjustify your actions at the time
that you felt were missing inour relationship?
How did you rationalize orjustify your actions at the time
(18:47):
that you were committing theinfidelity?
And so, because here's thething, asking questions like,
well, who is she and where shelive at how many times you do it
, that's not getting torestoration.
All that's doing is making itworse for you because you just
getting you know information.
It ain't that's not doinganything to your healing Right.
(19:10):
And so, when you talk aboutinvestigative questions, these
investigative questions willhelp you to truly get into the
mindset of your partner andunderstand why he did what he
did and, depending on thoseanswers, will help you also
determine okay, is this a goodperson to rebuild trust with, or
is his character such that he'sgoing to continue to live foul
(19:31):
in any relationship that he's in?
Okay?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
okay, okay, all right .
So this, this third questionthat I had for you and, trust me
, you have sparked morequestions, but these are the
ones that were guaranteed.
I want to get to the guaranteed.
I'm happy you cheated thestatement.
(19:54):
I'm happy.
Have you ever felt?
You know what?
I'm happy you did that, interms of the fact that you did
it way that you did it.
I found out and now I know howdo you feel about that statement
(20:16):
.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
I'm happy you cheated I say it all the time um, oh
look, I'm trying to think of.
Okay, I'm going to just tellyou the truth, right?
So I oftentimes practice myaward speeches.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Come on here.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
Yeah, I do, and one of my award speeches is titled
Mama, we Made it, and it goesthrough all of our life
experiences.
You know for the times that youhad to choose between paying
the light bill and the hot waterbill.
(21:01):
And you paid the light so wecould have electricity, and we
bought the hot water so we couldtake a bath.
So we could have electricityand we bought the hot water, um,
so we could take a bath, and weput just a little bit of cold
water in there too to take abath.
Mama, we made it, um, for thetimes that my daddy would stop
working his job just so hecouldn't send me the 34 checks a
week child support checks aweek to me so that I could help
(21:23):
my mama pay the bills.
Mama, we made it For all thetimes that I found out that my
ex-husband cheated on me.
Mama, we made it For the timesthat I was going through
depression and I asked him whycouldn't he stop?
And he said he wouldn't gonnastop cold turkey.
Mama, we made it For all thehurt that he told me that I
wouldn't be anything without him, because he made me who I am.
(21:44):
Mama, we made it.
That's a reminder to me that Iwouldn't be half of the person,
half of the woman that I amtoday If I didn't have the
struggle of my daddy leaving me,if I didn't have the struggle
of my mama being a single parentand trying to make it on her
own, and if I didn't have anex-husband who I loved, his
(22:07):
dirty jaws, cheat on me for fiveyears consistently and I would
find out every six months likeclockwork for five years.
But because I dug myself, youknow, and I pulled myself out of
that and I healed, I got joynow and I wouldn't have that joy
.
(22:28):
Somebody asked me before what islife before infidelity?
And I thought that was a veryprofound question, because what
I told them is that life beforeinfidelity was this false sense
of knowing what self-love is.
It was a false sense of knowingwhat acceptance was of me.
(22:49):
I was walking around thinkingthat I knew what love was.
I was walking around thinkingthat I knew what confident was,
but it wasn't until I gotthrough my biggest pain of
walking away from my marriageand I would not be.
I just told somebody in theother podcast I wouldn't be this
person that you see right nowin this yellow shirt, in these
(23:12):
rainbow colored butterflyearrings Smiling In the middle
of the night telling about mystory.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
But I've made it Amen , but you made it so glad, I
made it so glad.
I'm sorry, come on, it's all inhere.
It's all in here.
Listen, this is about you.
Listen, I want to talk about.
You said your mom and then youmentioned um, um.
(23:41):
That just to me speaks togenerations of family.
You mentioned your dad and Iwant to know, in that pre
conversation, before you gotmarried, what do you think you
could have asked your husbandabout generationally, or what he
(24:02):
saw in his parents?
That may have been somethingthat could reveal or help you
see or help anyone see you know.
Let me ask these types ofquestions to see if infidelity
is something that this person isprone to.
(24:23):
Yeah, it's something that thisperson is prone to.
Yeah, mm, hmm, mm, hmm.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
What kind of questions would you suggest
someone ask?
So there's two parts to that.
In the podcast earlier todaythe lady asked me.
She said sometimes people sayyou just choose wrong.
You need to learn how to chooseright.
And so I gave her the exampleof how I was cheated on in my
(24:55):
marriage.
My mother was cheated on in hermarriage.
My grandmother was cheated onin her marriage.
So it's not so much about howto choose, it's about how we've
been taught what's acceptable ina relationship.
So my mama saw her mama getcheated on so she thought that
that was what love looked like,right.
(25:15):
So she accepted less thanbecause she saw her mother
accept less than right.
And so I saw my mother acceptless than and I thought that
that was what love was like.
So it's what you're beingtaught, not how you're choosing,
because when you're taughtright, you'll choose right.
And um, I'll say that to saythis my ex-husband, his daddy,
(25:40):
is who.
He is right and that's not.
I've never said that because Idon't want it to seem like I'm
talking bad about my umex-father-in-law, because I'm
not.
He's a great person.
However, historically he alsohas the history of of of being
unfaithful to his women, so alot of times, us, as women in
(26:02):
relationships, sometimes wedon't even have to ask questions
, we just have to look.
Go to that family reunion, girl.
Go to that family reunion andlisten, and listen, right,
because my ex-husband alwaystalks about the stuff that his
father does, my mother-in-lawwould always talk about the
stuff that my ex-husband fatherused to do, and so from there
(26:25):
then you can learn how toformulate questions.
Well, how do you feel aboutyour daddy doing X, y, z, and
then see what his perspective isand how he responds to you know
things about relationships,things about marriage, things
about fidelity, right, inrelationships.
So I think that there's twoparts, but the first part is
just watch, because it's gonnatell you a lot about what you
(26:47):
need to know okay, you just saidhis family and then you would,
you could watch and see what.
Speaker 1 (26:58):
if you watch and you're watching and you're
vigilant to look out and see,but what you're seeing and what
they're saying sound like youjust had some good food.
I'm sorry, that thing, whatyou're seeing and what they're
(27:23):
saying, what, what your partneris saying, is just not lining up
.
So that's how you talkedearlier about how the blame game
came into factor, how you wouldask what is this?
(27:43):
Or confront the the situation.
And it's because you, becauseyou, because you.
So how do you take this is whatI'm seeing, but this is what
you're saying, but this isn'tlining up.
How do you, before you go downthat pitfall I've been there, I
have been at the bottom of thatwell, so this is not in judgment
(28:06):
, this is totally in my heart towant to help Before you go to
the bottom of that well, justfalling, throwing yourself away
on the sword, being thesacrificial lamb, to fix and put
this together, because that'susually what women want to do
and I will say usually, becauseit's not all women want to do is
(28:30):
to hold things together and tobe that helpmate.
How do you help someone to seethe balance of this.
What's being said, this is whatyou're saying, this is what's
being done.
How do you get them to uhchoose what the reality of the
(28:51):
situation is in terms of wordsover actions?
Speaker 2 (28:58):
yeah.
So this is like before youactually make a decision to
marry someone.
Yes, okay.
And so it's like kind of likethe example I said, where, like
if the father like I've seen alot of things, but then if the
like my partner, if he wasn'tlying, like his words and stuff
(29:18):
wasn't what in agreement withwhat his dad was doing, or in
agreement with his own actions,like you're asking him about his
father.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
But then you're seeing different things in him,
in the things that he's doinglate night texts, getting up,
leaving, taking your phone, um,never, ever, like you, never,
ever have access to.
Not that you need.
You don't need access tosomeone's phone.
If you trust them, you trustthem, but if you feel something,
(29:48):
how do you address that?
Speaker 2 (29:53):
um, okay, well, I hope I'm answering your question
.
Uh, because I think the firstpart to that is uh, because I
think the first part to that isyou.
I feel like how they're askinganswering the questions.
Um, when you ask them about,like their parents or whatever,
(30:14):
like, like I said, asking themabout their, his father's
history, um, a lot of the timespeople are going to justify a
particular sex, and what I meanby that is whenever I would ask
my um ex-husband and we werejust dating at the time I would
ask him particular questions orhe would just bring up stuff.
(30:36):
He always blamed his mom for whyhis dad did what he did.
Right, when he would talk abouthis sister-in-law I mean his
sister, my sister-in-law andtheir marriage it was always his
sister and never the man.
So to me that should have beena red flag from the beginning
(30:58):
that he justifies behaviors ofmen and men don't have any
responsibility for the decisionsthat they make.
So I think that you really haveto, because I think a lot of
times we'll be like, oh, but myman different.
Oh, yeah, you know, yeah, he'ssaying that about this person
and yeah, he's saying that abouthis daddy and his
brother-in-law, but my man isdifferent.
(31:19):
If he is in agreement with thewhat you know I'm saying, if
he's in an agreement withmistreatment of a person,
doesn't matter if it's a man ora woman um, that means that he
believes that that type ofbehavior is okay and it is
justifiable if you need to do it.
Speaker 1 (31:39):
But I found out the hard way, but what she said, and
I found out the hard way.
But what if he agrees?
What if he agrees with yourpoint of view?
There are some people that Ifind and I'm not saying men, I'm
saying people that are verysavvy, yeah, with agreeing with
you, figuring out okay, you're,you're in this situation, this
(32:03):
is the side of the fence you'reon.
I'm going to be on this side ofthe fence with you so that you
can feel I'm, I'm a safe bet,but I'm still going to be doing
these things.
So it's like what I say and whatI do don't match up.
Listen, I'm telling you, theytotally make you feel like you
crazy.
Do don't match up.
Listen, I'm telling you, theytotally make you feel like you
(32:25):
crazy.
Yes, ma'am, listen.
So that's what I'm, that'swhere I'm.
I'm getting at the.
The thing of making you feellike, no, why would you say that
?
You know, I said this and Isaid that and this is how I
think and this is how I'm like,yeah, but I'm not.
I know, I just saw you, I know,I know I'm, I know I'm not, I
know I'm not.
But then it kind of puts you inthis spiral thing of
(32:49):
questioning even the things thatyou're seeing over what the
person?
Just?
How do you, how do you helppeople have a better weight on
people's actions over words?
People can say all day I'm notgonna do something to you, yeah,
(33:13):
and still be doing it, yep sohow do you help people determine
like a person's actions overtheir words?
Speaker 2 (33:25):
right yes, um, oh, that's a really good question.
So if you already know thatwhen you come to them, they're
they're not going to be truthful, right, because you know,
because gas lighting is a realthing, it's a whole thing.
And see, I love this becauseeven in my devotional I have a
(33:47):
day about gas lighting and Ithink I called it like gas
lighting versus accountability,and so it's talking about, like,
looking at the process ofthings, right, and it's.
Even if you bring something upto a person, right, and I know
this is just still the words.
But if you bring something upto a person, how do they respond
(34:09):
?
If they say, man, you crazy,that ain't what you saw.
Man, you saw me do X, y, z, youknow it.
Gaslighting you, right, gettingyou to tank your reality of the
truth because you know that yousaw what you saw.
You to tank your reality of thetruth because you know that you
saw what you saw.
Um, but, uh, but a but a greatperson who's not trying to be
narcissistic and who's nottrying to gaslight.
You will come at it and say,hey, that wasn't my intent when
(34:32):
I said this or when you saw melooking at this, and then
they'll even actually show you.
You know what I'm saying and so, to me, like that, the actions
are what is the person showing.
Because, even if they're sayingsomething different, at the end
of the day you have to believeyourself and believe what you
(34:52):
saw, and believe that you aren'tcrazy.
And so you have to like, justit's facts are facts, right, and
if you know that you saw whatyou saw, if they cannot prove to
you otherwise that you're nottripping, that you're not crazy,
and all they can say is theycan use the words to try to pit
against you, but they're notdoing anything.
(35:14):
Like I said, the example ofwhere they'll be like hey, this
is what I meant by this.
Look, let me show you this iswhat I was trying to do, right?
I'm sorry that you interpretedit right.
I'm sorry that you interpretedit that way, or I'm sorry that
you saw it that way, but here'show I really.
This is what I really meant bythat.
And so if they are like, reallya truthful person, their
actions are going to align withthat, right, their character is
(35:36):
going to align with those things.
But if it's not, you reallyalready have your truth because
you've seen it with your owneyes, because you've seen it
with your own eyes.
Speaker 1 (35:50):
You keep bringing up this same word.
You brought it up in theepisode.
You brought it up twice, atminimum twice here, and I want
you to tell everyone how toidentify a narcissist.
What are the characteristics?
You, alright, what did I do?
I did something.
(36:10):
It's me.
What did I do?
Speaker 2 (36:14):
look, you just said narcissist.
Speaker 1 (36:15):
I'm like alright, now identify characteristics of a
narcissist, so that someone canunderstand what is your
definition and then what are thecharacteristics?
Speaker 2 (36:27):
okay, um, I always have a really rough definition
of narcissist and narcissist tome.
I kind of use narcissist andgaslighting.
Even though they're different,I kind of use them the same, but
basically, um, a narcissist,slash, gaslighter is someone who
, um, tried, not tries, someonewho, uh, is only selfish and is
(36:53):
self-fulfilling, so everythingis all about themselves.
And, um, they do everything intheir power to taint your
reality of what is yourperception or what is your
reality, like other things thatyou've seen and all those things
.
They do a great job of taintingyour reality to cause you to
think that you're crazy.
(37:14):
And that's like a roughdefinition of what a narcissist
and gaslighter is.
Speaker 1 (37:20):
Yeah, because I can add to that Mm hmm of what a
narcissist and gaslighter is.
Yeah, because can I add to thatMm-hmm To have you thinking
that you're crazy to the pointthat they have you thinking that
you're the issue, mm-hmm,you're the problem, and that
you're not doing enough Mm-hmm,mm-hmm To cause them to want to
(37:40):
be.
Whoever that firstrepresentative you met was,
listen, they have the knack ofshowing you that representative.
Speaker 2 (37:52):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, amazing.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Mm-hmm.
Amazing.
Speaker 2 (37:58):
Yep, yep and their key part, their key role or
their key goal.
Their key goal is to gaincontrol over you.
So they do that in taintingyour reality, they do that in
minimizing you and making youfeel less than so that they can
gain that control over you thatthey can gain that control over
(38:26):
you, my goodness.
Speaker 1 (38:26):
So let's get some examples out here.
I'll start with the first one.
They will do things such as anarcissist will do things such
as tell you no one else wantsyou and it's up to you to, like
you said, not lose yourself, notwrap yourself up into someone
(38:48):
else so much so that youactually believe this is the
only person on this entireplanet.
Yeah, that would ever beinterested in me.
Speaker 2 (39:07):
while they treat you like trash, tag you it um, oh, a
narcissist will have youthinking that, um, they, you.
So they'll say something likeyou're the woman that you are
(39:28):
because of me.
I've taught you everything thatyou know.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
Wow, A narcissist will have you thinking that OK,
ladies, look, I'm about to godeep.
I want nobody getting offended.
Don't go in the comments onthis.
Take this whatever way you needto take this A narcissist, I
will give it to you.
(39:55):
A narcissist, just as in themovie Baby Boy sisters.
Just as in the movie, Baby Boywill have you allowing him to
take your car while he has nojob to go to, while he's
dropping you off to your nine tofive, running out your gas and
putting the mileage on your carand then coming back how you had
no job to go to.
(40:15):
I apologize for anyinconvenience I may have caused
anyone.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
Now Baby Boy is my movie.
So you know you're trading onthin water.
Just be careful now.
Be careful over there.
Baby Boy, you know how Facebookhad those little things like it
said what type of wife are you?
So I just played the game andit said I was Yvette from Baby
Boy and I was like the game andit said I was Yvette from baby
boy and I was like I take itbecause that's my movie.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
That's my movie, I ain't gonna lie what in that
movie great, we're in the moviebaby boy in that movie.
What in that movie could yousee?
Um Taraji's character?
What did you say?
Her name was Yvette Yvette.
What in the movie could you see?
(41:10):
Wow, that Yvette did repeatedlyI'm trying to formulate this
question without giving you theanswer did more than once,
(41:35):
because it looks as though shedid not know or did not want to
be without a partner um.
Speaker 2 (41:54):
You said what does she constantly do?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
yeah, she did more than once.
Speaker 2 (42:01):
It's your movie, it is um, like I don't know, she
argued with him too much and shealways gave him chance after
chance, after chance.
And here's another part we'retalking about narcissistic too
is she always went back to himand it wasn't until that very
(42:26):
last one where, well, no, Iwould even say she went back to
him and then and so that'sanother thing too about
narcissists they always theymake you believe that you need
them.
And so you know, she was alwaysgoing back to the baby boy,
because she went back to himwhen our breaks went out.
You know, I baby boy, becauseshe went back to him when her
breaks went out, you know whatI'm saying.
Then she went back to him whenSnoop Dogg came and wouldn't
leave the house, and so I wouldsay that part, I'm talking about
(42:49):
that part.
Speaker 1 (42:51):
She just was no, I'm going to keep somebody.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:57):
That was just uncomfortable.
It's like, okay, now you seethis isn't good, and now you see
this isn't good.
And now you feel stuck, butyou're still, and then you just
went from one person to the nextperson.
Speaker 2 (43:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Yeah, just using that as an example of something I
think that women do.
I I am here to help us wake upin this conversation, but I
think there are certain womenthat just cannot, don't want to
(43:39):
not have someone yeah, um.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
So someone was asking me like, okay, what was my
dating experience like?
And, um, a couple of weeks ago,someone was at my house and, um
, they're still married.
Their husband has cheated onthem horrible too.
Um, but they're still married,but they're separated now.
And so, uh, she was gettingready to go out and she was like
(44:07):
, where, brie, where can I goover here and meet some good men
?
And I'm thinking to myself, sis,you don't need to be trying to
meet nobody because, baby, youstill married.
You know what I'm saying.
And after you get your divorce,you don't need to be out here
in these streets trying to date,you need to heal.
But, um, I don't to me, it justlets me know.
(44:28):
Like, okay, you really need myservices, friend.
So you want to come to mebecause it's like, but that's
normal, right, because I saythat to say this.
When I first got my divorce,baby, I got out in the streets,
I got to date, you know, becauseI, I was, you know, shoot, I
thought I needed but see, thatwas validating to me right to
always have somebody in my in mycorner.
(44:50):
And I needed somebodyconstantly in my corner to
validate me, because I did notknow how to validate myself and
so say that again, I always hadto have somebody in my corner to
validate me because I didn'tknow how to validate myself.
And so a lot of people jumpfrom relationship to
(45:12):
relationship because they'relooking for somebody to fulfill
a void that they have withinthemselves, because they
themselves don't know how tofill that void within themselves
.
And so when we talk about ourweight, like when we talk about
all men cheating all that stuff,I look at the woman, I'm like
so every person that you attractis a cheater?
And they're like, yeah, I'm like, okay, it's not the man, is you
(45:34):
.
It's a void you need to fix.
There's a void, there's atrauma that you need to heal.
There's this childhood wound,there's this attachment style
that you need to go into andheal so that you don't attract
all those things.
But as long as you are allowingyourself to stay busy with man
after man after man or men, withwomen after women after women,
(45:56):
um, you're never going to healthat, so that you can actually
find somebody who can fulfillyou and not be like your better
half, right, or let me saycompliment you and not complete
you.
Speaker 1 (46:12):
Last question.
This may open a whole bunch ofquestions.
Questions but life afterinfidelity.
What do you do when it ends upbitter and you end up untrusting
(46:34):
and feel as though it's myfault?
How do I?
You never knew what happened.
You're like what happened?
Why did this happen?
You don't have a clear answeror understanding.
(46:55):
How can you move on without aclear answer or understanding to
let go of that bitterness, tolet go of that anger?
To let go of that bitterness,to let go of that anger, to let
go of that self-doubt whichcauses you not to trust?
Speaker 2 (47:10):
um, forgiveness, but it's like what I talked about in
the first episode or theprevious episode we just
finished recording.
It's forgiveness of yourselfbecause I didn't get closure.
I didn't get closure, you know,from my, from my ex, but I had
to move on and the biggest thingthat I had to do was forgive
(47:32):
myself because a lot of thatbitterness and anger was
attached to me.
Um, just seeing how low I hadlet myself go and the
embarrassment that I had becausea lot of my family had already
known that he was cheating on me, because he had a whole tinder
account out here and a lot of myfamily had already saw his
tinder account.
So I was embarrassed you knowwhat I'm saying.
(47:54):
And then every time that I tookhim back, like I said, I knew
for five years and I would takehim back every single time.
And so a lot, lot of thebitterness for me and a lot of
the bitterness that I know forsure come from a lot of women
that I coach is that they'reangry with themselves and they
need to first forgive themselves.
Speaker 1 (48:16):
Forgive, go ahead, I'm listening.
Speaker 2 (48:20):
I'm sorry I was just saying like you don't know what
you don't know.
This is your first time everbeing cheated on, so how do you
know how to respondappropriately?
How do you know how to leaveand don't look back?
How do you know not to go backafter you said you would never
go back?
You know what I'm saying, andso you have to learn how to
forgive yourself and giveyourself compassion as you are
(48:42):
navigating new territory.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
And that comes with that.
Perform that, that plan thatyou help them make up.
Is that a component of the plan?
How not to fall into thissituation again?
I keep referring to it as a pit, because it just feels like it
takes you down so far.
Speaker 2 (49:01):
Mm, hmm, mm, hmm.
Yeah to it as a pit, because itjust feels like it takes you
down so far.
Yeah, so all of that, all ofthat is in there.
But the biggest part to that isthat I tell them to have
compassion on themselves becauseyou know, we're like all these
self-help videos out there onYouTube and listening to
Instagram I mean a podcast allthe time and stuff, right, we
(49:24):
just have so much access toself-help and self-development
so we're just super hard onourselves whenever we revert
back or we regress, right.
And I always tell my clients ifyou have a bad day, that's okay
, you're human.
Like we have to get out of themode or the space that you know
(49:44):
you've made the decision to healor you've made the decision to
develop yourself personally,that you're not going to have
any down days, that you're notgoing to have any days where you
feel like you're regressing,but it's okay to have ebbs and
flows as you are navigating this.
Speaker 1 (50:04):
It's okay to have ebbs and flows as you are
navigating this, which you havedone yet again with great
precision.
I appreciate you staying in theafter party and having this
conversation with us.
Ladies and gentlemen, this isBrianna Latrice.
(50:24):
She's a fair recovery coachListen, coming soon.
She has a devotional Healingthe Heart from Infidelity a
49-day journal.
It is coming soon.
I will tell you how to getthere, because there's also
coming soon a book where healingwants to be.
(50:46):
Listen, there is some healingthat wants to be in that space
where that hurt and that pain is.
So you want to definitely getthat information.
Life After Fidelity, volume 1.
You also want to make sure thatyou get the Boundaries
(51:09):
Questions ebook.
And that's how you get theebook.
It's going to be in thedescription box for this episode
.
But to get those two books andto keep up with that information
that will be coming out, youdefinitely want to either email
or text.
Check her website.
(51:30):
Her website is amazing.
Check her website so you cansee how you can book a
consultation with her A free, afree, 15 minute consultation.
You can go on there and justmake sure that you book that If
you feel like this is somethingyou're going through.
This is a decision that you'refacing.
(51:51):
This is a situation that you'refacing or you have faced it
years ago and you feel like Ihave never fully gotten over
this.
I have not recovered from this.
I have not healed from this.
This is still holding me back,holding me down.
Let her help you free yourself,because she's going to give you
those tools that you need.
(52:11):
You can also follow her onTikTok and Instagram at life,
underscore after underscoreinfidelity there is supposed to
be an underscore there.
I will make sure that is rightwhen we put that in the
description box.
Listen, book your freeconsultation, call that 15
minutes.
I just want to keep going backto that, to make sure you take
(52:33):
the opportunity to speakindividually about your own
individual situation so that shecan help you and you can see if
she can see, if you can see ifthat's who you can work with and
she can see if she can help you.
All right, and she has an event.
(52:53):
Explain this event, ma'am.
I just I didn't get enough.
I didn't get enough explanationon the event.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
So dancing through love.
I have two different dancecoaches I have a sensual dance
coach and then I have a hip hopfitness dance coach as well, and
so how this kind of came aboutwas that when I was going
through my darkest times in mymarriage and I was still married
, one of the things that I woulddo is dance, and so I would go
(53:27):
to like all type of dancingclasses.
I would go to Zumba like anydance class that was available
in the Metroplex.
I was there and it just gave mean hour of just not being
bogged down with that.
It gave me a time to expressmyself.
But also it's important with asensual dancing piece,
(53:50):
especially for women who've beencheated on and, like you've
seen pictures of the other women, you're very self-conscious
about your body, and so we'regoing to be helping women to get
back in tune with their bodyand gain confidence in their
body as well.
So it's gonna be a whole vibe.
I'm excited it's gonna be awhole vibe.
Speaker 1 (54:08):
And then I want you to let them know about your
amazing podcast, life afterinfidelity podcast, hosted by
the one, the only, the amazing,brianna yes, so life after
infidelity podcast.
Speaker 2 (54:25):
You can find me, um, on youtube, spotify, apple, all
the things, wherever.
Whatever your podcast podcastplatform is, you can find me
just type in life afterinfidelity and I I will most
definitely pop up.
Episodes drop every Monday at 7am.
So make sure you subscribe soyou can get the notifications of
(54:48):
when I drop a new episode.
Speaker 1 (54:50):
There it is, Ladies and gentlemen.
You have it.
Boys and girls.
I pray that this was cleanenough so that if you're in a
relationship, you can watch outfor those flags and for those
moms and dads.
You want to have thisconversation with your children.
(55:11):
How important do you think thatconversation?
I thought there was no otherquestion.
But how important do you think?
Because you said you went backgenerations through your family
my mom was cheated on, my momwas cheated on, my grandma was
cheated on.
You felt like it was somethingthat was passed down.
Then you talked about theactual person who did the
infidelity towards you.
(55:31):
You said, well, his dad.
And he talked about his mom andhis sister and her boyfriend
and just the male, his viewingon the infidelity being the
fault of the person not beingenough.
How does that conversation lookwhen you sit down, when you're
(55:52):
starting to tell your child oryour kid or your teenager?
You know, I know you'reinterested, I hear you know you
have a boyfriend or you'rethinking about having a
girlfriend, or just groomingyour child as they grow up.
Period, Just grooming yourchild, because that really
wasn't a thing for me in myhouse when my kids coming up.
(56:15):
So just grooming your children.
What kind of conversation.
What are the things you want tohighlight to make sure they
know to watch out for?
Speaker 2 (56:24):
yeah, um, I did a workshop once for black women
healing retreat and I titled it.
My mother is disqualified toteach me what she didn't learn.
And before I did the workshop,I surveyed several women from
their 20s to their 60s and oneof the questions that I asked
(56:48):
was you know what is somethingthat you wish your mother would
have taught you or shown you?
And about 95% of theparticipants said that they wish
that their mother would haveshown them what vulnerability
looked like, that they wish thattheir mothers would have
expressed some type of emotionin the household, like they
(57:10):
never saw their mothers cry.
And so when you ask about whatdoes that conversation look like
in Black households, we have tobe okay and this is for men and
women.
We have to be okay with lettingour kids see that we hurt as
well, because I never saw howhurt my mom was from her
(57:34):
marriage and her husbandcheating on her, her ex-husband
cheating on her.
That's why I thought that thatwas okay, because in my eyes, it
didn't bother my mama, itdidn't faze her.
She was still going to workevery day, she wasn't crying.
She you know, I'm saying infront of me she was being this
brave superwoman.
And then the same goes for mygrandmother.
(57:55):
My grandmother didn't show anyemotion.
She was being this bravesuperwoman.
And I think that we have tochange that narrative of stop
being the strong black woman,stop being a strong black man in
our households and let ourchildren see what hurt and pain
looks like and how we navigatethrough that, so that when they
(58:17):
do get to those they can say, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I remember what it looked likewhen my mama went through that
and she was hurt and devastatedand she was telling me things
about this.
So I'm a pause and I'm a goahead.
I'm a go the other way becauseI don't want to go through that,
because my mama has already, ormy dad has already, put me on
game of what this could mean forme emotionally and
(58:38):
psychologically and I don'twant't want that yeah, you just
pushed the pause in me.
Speaker 1 (58:46):
Okay, I'm back.
I'm just saying I was there, Iwas literally going, okay, yeah,
it happened to me, did I know?
But I did, okay, I see.
Hmm, all right, thank you, Iappreciate you.
I appreciate you very muchbeing here.
(59:08):
I appreciate you taking thetime yet again to stay for the
after party, because after theshow it's the after party.
What look?
And?
Speaker 2 (59:21):
this light is showing up during this after party.
I'm like come on light, justkeep it together.
Speaker 1 (59:27):
We almost done Right right Up top, please.
Technology can do what it wantsto do.
The message is going to get out.
I appreciate you for yourvulnerability.
I appreciate you for sharingthe intimate details and really
just having taking the time tothink and give a really
(59:51):
applicable answer.
Applicable and something youcan apply, something that that
you can actually take theinformation and apply it and
really work with it.
So thank you yet yet again.
You're amazing.
Can't wait to have you backwhen you drop those books, ma'am
I totally forgot.
Speaker 2 (01:00:13):
I have a t-shirt line coming out it's quotes.
I know it's quotes from thebook.
Uh, that are going to be ont-shirts and they will actually
launch this Friday, so I'mexcited.
Speaker 1 (01:00:27):
Wait, say that again.
Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
I was like I'm excited.
That's not how you said thatTotally forgot.
Like you said, I've been doingso much.
Yes, I've been forgetting whatI got going on.
But yeah, so I have a storedropping and it's cute little
quotes.
Like I said, they're from thebook shirts, purses and journals
, so super excited.
Speaker 1 (01:00:52):
So they can go to your website.
Speaker 2 (01:00:54):
Yes, they can go to my website.
It'll be under apparel, or youcan just follow me again on
Instagram.
I'll be launching the links and, um, you can actually go on
there.
Now I have um, what the shirtswill look like and, uh, just be
ready for it to drop beforeblack friday, on friday baby be
ready with your shirts.
Speaker 1 (01:01:16):
Oh my goodness ma'am.
Speaker 2 (01:01:21):
Okay, let me go over here now because I forgot about
the background music.
Speaker 1 (01:01:27):
I think it just gives energy.
It gives the energy and keepsthe conversation moves, like one
side of your brain is thethinking part and one is the
artistic and so creative, and soI just I just like to have that
there, as long as it's notinterfering.
If it's interfering with thequality of the episode, yeah,
that's got to go because theinformation needs to get out.
(01:01:49):
I appreciate you taking thetime to stay for the after party
.
Yes, thank you for having me,and there are even more.
Miss T-shirt line dropping.
Congratulations, thank you thankyou all right, everybody, we're
gonna get out of here.
I appreciate you guys takingthe time to invest in yourself.
(01:02:10):
Let me be the first one to giveyou some applause again.
If infidelity is something youare facing, there's a coach
right here.
This is ready, willing and ableto help in your situation.
She's a an affair recoverycoach.
(01:02:32):
Why?
Because there is life afterinfidelity.
Y'all have a great one.
See you next time.
Bye.
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The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.