Hey there Confident You! We have got to talk about this.
Discover the blueprint for attracting the love you deserve as we're joined by Monique the coach, a beacon of wisdom in the realm of romance and self-discovery. Our latest episode takes you on an exploration of what it truly means to embody the love you seek, drawing inspiration from the biblical narrative of Ruth and Boaz. We dive into the heart of vulnerability, authenticity, and the transformative power of commitment, offering a modern playbook for purposeful dating that resonates with anyone on the journey to find love.
Engaging in self-improvement isn't just about attracting a partner; it's a crucial aspect of personal growth that enhances every facet of your life. This episode sheds light on the internal work necessary to cultivate a genuine, unconditional love, from journaling and meditation to caring for your physical well-being. We underscore the importance of discernment in dating and how embodying the qualities you seek in a partner is the secret ingredient to finding a truly harmonious match.
The conversation doesn't end with finding love; it continues into the ongoing evolution required within relationships. We delve into the nuances of active listening, honest feedback, and the courage to be vulnerable, particularly when navigating financial disparities between partners. With Monique's expert guidance, her 'Love Magnet Attraction Formula,' and her 'Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge,' we offer a comprehensive guide to breaking the cycle of unhealthy relationships and confidently stepping into a life filled with love and purpose. Tune in for a discussion that promises not just insights but a lifeline to those seeking to realize their worth and potential in love.
CONNECT AND FOR MORE:
linktr.ee/moniquethecoach
ON LINKTREE, YOU CAN ACCESS:
- Book your FREE Consultation to begin
- GRAB YOUR BOOK: "The Love Magnet Attraction Formula" by Monique the Coach"
- LADIES SIGN UP: Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge!
FOLLOW ON Instagram:
@moniquethecoach
CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Healthy Dating
2:45 - Monique's Coaching Philosophy
7:25 - Ideal Partner Characteristics
13:16 - Significance of Partner Criteria
16:54 - Awareness in Relationship Goals
18:13 - Vision for Future Relationships
22:28 - Self-Love in Dating
27:35 - Vulnerability in Relationships
29:35 - Developing Communication Skills
36:55 - Strategies for Meeting Partners
41:39 - Assessing Relationship Compatibility
46:55 - Connecting with Coach Monique
49:40 - Women's Group Coaching Invitation
52:04 - First Date Confidence Tips
53:18 - Concluding Dating Advice
54:28 - Gratitude and Acknowledgments
55:11 - Support Resources Announcement
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love.
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS
1-888-804-3577
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233
__________________________________________________________________
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Yo, welcome to the after party.
The last time you saw ustogether, you saw us in episode
35 of Confident you Podcast.
Let me tell you somethingMonique the coach is not playing
with us Ladies.
She was calling all the singleladies and she gave us an actual
(00:27):
playbook to be able to approachdating much more effectively
with a goal in mind, so that weknow exactly which way we're
running and what the actualmission of the plan is.
I'm so excited that you stayedwith us.
(00:49):
Listen, thank you so much foreverything you've already
invested in the Confident youtribe.
I just I appreciate you.
My goodness, that plan was veryeffective.
Listen, if you also have notseen my first time.
Listen this is anotherappearance on the Confident you
network platform, that firsttime.
Listen, this is anotherappearance on on the confident
you network platform that firsttime she came through.
Listen episode 26 love, don'tlive here anymore.
(01:14):
You definitely want to go backand check that out.
When I say the woman is fire,I'm not playing.
She out here blazing upeverything you thought you knew,
Trying to get you purified intowhere you want and need to be.
Listen, Monique, how are you?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Good evening, my dear .
I am well.
I am well.
Thank you for having me on theafter party.
The after party okay, wescratching it up, we mixing and
flipping, and all of that it's aparty.
It's the after party.
We scratching it up, we mixingand flipping, and all of that
it's a party.
It's the after party.
Listen, I'm here to spreadstraight facts, answer any
questions that you have, havegirl talk conversations and just
(01:57):
be authentic and and give me aminute and vulnerable, not the V
, the V word.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Not the V word.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you donot understand the definition
and the depths of the V word,you definitely want to go back
and check out episode 35 withMonique the coach.
Listen, calling all the singleladies, listen.
I just.
This is where I want to pick up.
(02:26):
This is where my heart is ledme to be.
I want to tell you, I want toshare with you something.
First, I read this amazingstory and I feel like this is
what ladies really want.
This is what we want, want,this is what we want.
(02:52):
I read this amazing story andI've got to tell you what we
want.
I want you to describe it foreveryone.
So, I read this great book andin this book it told the story
of a young woman who had losther husband and she needed to or
she vowed to, and she wascommitted to making sure that
(03:16):
her husband's mom was still good, so much so that she didn't go
back home to her people.
She stayed with her husband'smom and went to her people, like
she didn't go back home to mamaand them she said, no, we're
going to go to wherever you'regoing.
I'm going where you're going,because to me it's never been
(03:36):
discussed.
But I think in her mind she waslike my husband would not be
good with me just leaving byyourself.
Be good with me just leaving byyourself.
So she went and on their wayshe starts to.
She needs to take care of them.
There's no, it's them two, it'stwo women.
There's no man to take care ofthem.
And this is in a time where thework was not easy.
(03:59):
You had to actually go out in afield and, and, and, and and
collect food, and and, and beable to sell it or even to take
care of themselves.
And that's what she did.
She went to this field and shesaid listen, can I just glean
after your workers.
Can I, just after your workersare finished collecting
everything for the person whoowns this land, who y'all
(04:21):
working for, can Can I just gobehind y'all and see if there's
anything that you left and I'lljust take that.
The guy was like sure she hadbeen doing it for a while and
then all of a sudden the ownercame and he said yo, who that?
And the guy said, well, listen,he told her her story, how she
(04:46):
lost her husband, how she stayedwith the mom, how you know, he
just lets her go behind all theworkers as they're working and
she collects behind them and sheactually finds more stuff to
collect.
He really didn't think nothingof it, but she actually does it.
She doesn't rest, she worksjust like the other workers work
.
She, she takes the break whenthey take breaks and she goes
(05:08):
back to work like she's actuallyworking here.
But that's how she's takingcare of this, her, her
mother-in-law, who's alsowidowed, right, and that's how
she's taking care of everything.
And he just watched.
He looked at that dude and saidlet me tell you something don't
touch him.
You let her continue to dowhatever she do and whatever you
(05:29):
give them other workers yougive to her it's water and stuff
on the side.
She gets access to that.
Don't touch her, let her keepgoing.
Well, the her, her, her, herhusband's mother found out.
Her mother-in-law found out andwas like yo, come here real
(05:51):
quick when there was a big eventcoming up and she said I'm
going to need you to go in there, get dolled up, put on your
best perfume.
I need you to listen to meright now, Go and prepare
yourself.
And she said okay, and she didit.
(06:13):
She said I need you to now go.
Wait, we're waiting, wait,we're at this big event.
Everybody's just having a goodtime.
This mother-in-law is watchingthe owner and telling her just
wait, wait, I'm telling you.
She's watching him and watchinghim and right at that opportune
(06:34):
moment, she said go, standright there.
He saw her and that is wherethe union of Ruth and Boaz came
together.
And, yes, this great book thatI'm discussing is the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
So Ruth found her Boaz.
(06:57):
So I want to just share withthe.
I want you to share with theaudience.
The ladies listen, all thesingle ladies that want to find
their Boaz.
All these Ruths, all of theseladies are searching for this
Boaz.
(07:17):
What have you found to be thecharacteristics that most ladies
are looking for in their Boaz.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
First of all, you're going to make me cry Because, as
you are sharing the story, I'mlike I know that story, I know
that story.
There's a book called God Wearsmy Boat, and that story sits in
my heart Because what I hearwhen you share is unconditional
love, selfless love, right.
(08:03):
When you share is unconditionallove, selfless love, right.
Because she could have pickedup when her husband died and
said I'm going over here with mypeople, but she stayed in
remembrance of her husband tokeep her mother-in-law company
and she became loved.
She could have left and went onabout her business.
And so, with that being said to, to answer your question, the,
(08:28):
the boas that ladies are lookingfor is one who, who is kind,
one who is going to provide a, astrong provider.
I want to say handsome, but thatis subjective, based on what
you like.
So handsome, right, handsomeBased on what you like, handsome
(08:50):
based on what you like, right,and just someone who's going to
love you unconditionally,someone who is going to see you
at the ball and nobody else.
They're going to zero in on youand you're going to know, and
he's going to know, andeverybody's going to know he
loves her.
How many years y'all beentogether or we just met Right.
(09:10):
That thing that, when you seeit, you cannot deny, it's
undeniable.
That's the definition of Boazin my book.
I hope that answers yourquestion, ma'amam it definitely
does.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Strong, undeniable, handsome.
As to what you want, you gavephysical attributes that strong
(09:48):
for me, I would place under.
So we'll talk.
I want to talk physical,emotional, spiritual, financial.
I want to talk about all thethings that, because you told us
to make a list.
Right, if you did not, if youdo not know that playbook, I'm
(10:11):
telling you go back and checkout episode 35 of Confident you
podcast so you can get yourwhole playbook and start making
this list.
But you told us to make a list.
I really want to horn in onthat component right now, that
list that we're making.
(10:31):
And we want somebody who'sloving unconditionally.
We want somebody that's strongand we want that undeniable
connection that's not just seenby him, not just seen by me, but
seen by everyone in a crowdedroom.
Right, how do you?
(10:56):
You have this list?
How do you become a Ruth that'sdeserving of a love like you
want?
I can't say a love like that.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I love that you want.
I love that you desire.
Like Oprah, you desire, youdesire right.
So really it's intangiblebecause it's by you just being,
simply being that love.
That was Ruth.
(11:35):
She became that.
Like I said, she displayedunconditional and selfless love
by doing acts of service for hermother-in-law when she could
have put herself first andskated and said I'm gonna go
over here with my people, withmy mama and them take care.
But by simply becoming the lovethat you desire for yourself,
(11:59):
from going within and andconnecting with, with spirit,
with source, sitting down and II'm just saying reading your
Bible, right, and becoming onewith spirit.
That's really the only way youhave to go within.
If you keep it external, thenyou're going to keep attracting
(12:23):
those who are superficial, whocan't see you for who you are,
who only want you for who youappear to be.
And to turn it around on me I'ma shapely woman.
There's a lot happening behindthis camera.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Ladies and gentlemen, I just want you to read the
original Coca-Cola bottle.
You ain't never seen that.
Until you've seen somethingRight, all right, go ahead,
ma'am, okay.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Thank you for that.
And I say that to say I had tobe very protective of who I
allowed in my space, and so mydiscernment was at an all-time
high when I was in my datingphase, because I was practicing
celibacy as those on one of mystaffs right, and I said to
myself, my body will know when Imeet my husband.
(13:17):
I had no idea what that meant,none.
But when I did the actualservice, I became love for
myself myself, for my family and, you know, for the community.
I was doing vision boardworkshops, I was volunteering
here.
I was doing and beingsimultaneously, not physically,
(13:41):
but I'm just saying, as we met,I felt this sense of peace come
over me and I wasn't in my head,I didn't have to think, oh, is
he the one, or should I call him, or you know it.
Just there was no chatter abouthim, my body knew, because I
was just at peace with who I was, with who he was.
(14:04):
So, being Ruth or being likeRuth or being like, you just do
the work.
And the work consists of thejournaling and reading the books
.
And you have to do the work asa requirement If you are looking
for a lifetime partner, if youare looking to attract someone
(14:27):
to spend the rest of your lifewith the work is required.
That's like saying I'm hungryand I want to eat, but you don't
go to the supermarket or youdon't pick up the phone to order
.
You just sit in here saying I'mhungry.
There's no food that is goingto arrive in front of you, just
as there is no spouse that willarrive in front of you, just as
there is no spouse that willarrive in front of you without
(14:48):
you doing.
No quality spouse that's goingto arrive in front of you
without doing work.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
So you're saying faith without works is dead Is
dead.
There we go, my Lord, my Lord,I really want to, okay.
So I want to get into thesecomponents Physical.
If you're desiring someone whois your physical attraction
(15:20):
again yours.
Everybody is different.
I know tall women who likeshorter guys.
I know short guys who say Iwon't date anybody who's above
me, I just, and vice versa.
I know smaller dudes who likethick girls.
I know thick girls that gouh-uh, he has to be my same size
(15:41):
.
So everybody has their own.
Some people love chocolate,some people love chocolate, some
people love vanilla.
Some people are like, listen, Ilike all ice cream, all the
flavors.
You just can't be super crazyfor me.
I have to feel that love, youknow.
So I know that there are justdifferent aspects.
(16:03):
But the physical.
I want to talk about thephysical.
If you are a woman and you'relooking for the rock, what do
you think?
Not Dwayne Johnson?
Dwayne Johnson, why wouldn't Iput the one I want?
Listen, right now.
(16:23):
This is my question.
I'm going to get to everybodyelse.
I'm listening.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I'm listening.
I promise you, I'm listening.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I am going to get to the other questions that the
people who requested you got toget her back on here.
I got a question.
I'm going to do a little hostflag on the play and go ahead
with the physical.
If I am and I'm not, he'smarried, so I'm just saying
(16:53):
someone who looks that way.
That is the type of physicalthat I like.
I don't mess with people.
You mess with someone.
That's not it.
So if that's the look, what, asa woman, should I be thinking
to get ready to receive that?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Well, that's simple Become that, Become that.
And nobody's saying you got tobe cut up with a six pack and
you know old chisels.
But you want to begin to takecare of yourself, because a man
of that caliber is someone whoprobably eats healthy, who is
probably in the gym, maybedoesn't eat any fast foods or
(17:35):
soft drinks, you know, maybe hisalcohol intake is limited, if
at all.
So you want to start, start toput yourself in a mindset of I
want to call them a millionairehabit.
So you have a routine.
You have your routine where youget up in the morning, you do
your meditation, your devotional, your journaling, Give yourself
(17:59):
a half an hour morning and thenwhatever 10 or 15 minute
routine that you't work out,whatever 10 or 15 minute routine
that's gonna work out well,your bow ass in the background.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
I will put up that fake little blur screen and
he'll be sitting right therenext to you answering.
I'm not playing.
To you answering I'm notplaying.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
We live.
He said we live.
He was like okay, he good.
With that being said, inaddition to that, you want to
practice the same habits thatyour potential spouse is maybe
practicing or that you think hecould be, and if you don't know,
you can YouTube it or Google it.
What morning routine domillionaires have?
(18:48):
What should I be doing?
Like I am on google and youtubefor everything.
If I can't figure it out, I'mgonna google it, I'm gonna
youtube it, and then I'm gonnatake a little bit of this and a
little bit of that and make itmy own, no different than a
recipe, hmm.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
No different than a recipe, but an amazing recipe, I
must say my grandmother used tomake.
I miss my grandma.
I love you, grandma Rosa.
She would make socket timmycake.
I would say that everything youjust explained would be a
socket timmy cake.
Listen, say that everything youjust explained would be a
soccer timmy cake.
Listen, I'm about this cakehere, about the socket.
(19:30):
That just going, because that'swhat we have right now.
Our youtube and social media hasreally replaced everything that
we have going on right now.
Googling.
Most people are like Google it,go to YouTube.
(19:50):
Yeah, that's kind of notreplaced, but that's where our
information avenue is right nowand in these days you really
don't go to the encyclopedia andthings like that, and I'm
hoping that, this being onConfident you Network, this is a
space, a safe space, wherepeople can also gather
(20:12):
information and really getbetter at the things they want
to get better at.
So that is the physicalcomponent.
I had another question, becauseyou keep saying millionaires,
so we're going to jump straightto.
Yes, I had someone ask.
They said can you ask Moniquethe coach how?
(20:36):
Yes, I have a piece of paper.
Don't play with me.
You thought I'm letting youknow, girl.
They came for you.
They was like uh-uh, where isshe?
Speaker 2 (20:47):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Look how happy my question.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I love it, so here we are let's go.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
How can I catch a million?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Well, my question to the person that asked that
question would be are you amillionaire?
Are you working on yourmillions?
What are you doing as anentrepreneur as an entrepreneur,
as both to secure your financesbefore you go looking over in
somebody else's lane?
What's happening in their lane?
(21:18):
You can't pan over to the rightor the left until you've got
your driving down path.
So let's figure that out first.
Let's figure out who we are andwho we are being and who our
bank accounts are being.
Then we can talk about whathe's doing over there with his
money.
Was that too spicy?
Speaker 1 (21:43):
I mean it's a little caliente.
You know, I got a little chokedup, I did Like I couldn't
breathe for seconds there.
But it is true, if you're notfinancially set, then you get
with a millionaire you won't beable to add.
Then you get with a millionaireyou won't be able to add.
(22:06):
No, you will just be drainingand draining, and draining if
you have not conditionedyourself in such a fashion as to
be a benefit and not a deficit.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Right.
You don't want to come to a manthe husband that you're looking
for you got to prepare for him.
You don't want to meet thatperson and he's checking off all
your boxes but you don't checkoff any of his.
People want to get out of blackhole.
They want to leave a black hole.
So you don't want to presentyourself.
You know all pretty andpackaged.
You know all pretty andpackaged and then when you get
(22:43):
from where, private, you turnout to be a draining black hole
or a leech or a succubus, andthose are the words.
It is what it is.
It is what it is and it's goingto, that is going to unfold and
it's not going to turn out inyour favor.
So you want to be mindful ofhow you show up, how you present
yourself, how you presentyourself, who you are to other
(23:07):
people.
You may think that you are oneway, but you could very well be
showing up the total opposite ofwho you think you are.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Okay, now I got another question for you.
You said you may think you'reshowing up one way, but you very
well may be showing up totallyopposite than what you think.
How?
What is a way that a woman canget someone, or how can she find
(23:38):
out how she's showing?
Speaker 2 (23:40):
okay, that's, that's a perfect question.
I'm gonna use myself as anexample.
I I was in a, a leadershipcourse, and it was like a seven
month course and one of thehomeworks I was challenged with
asking my closest friends andfamily members how I show up.
(24:01):
And I'm thinking to myself, oh,that's a breeze.
I already know how I show up.
I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm open,I listen to everybody.
You know, it was like this isgoing to be fun, and that was
not the response that I got back.
(24:24):
The response that I got back wasthat I'm short-tempered, I'm
rude, I cut people off, I don'tlisten, I treat them the way I
want to treat them, as opposedto the way they desire to be
treated.
And this is from my sister, mymother, my cousin, my best
(24:46):
friend, my husband.
Ouch, you know that stung, butit was nothing I could do but
receive that because I asked forit.
I asked how do I show up, howdo I treat you, what do I do to
you, straight up.
And then they just ran down thelist of things over the course
of years that I had been doingor ways that I had been being
and showing up, and I had, whenI tell you no idea, none, none.
(25:13):
And so I had no choice but todive deeper into me to fix that.
And so there are times where Icatch myself being in those ways
.
But now I'm aware and I stopmyself and I go back and I say
you know what?
I apologize, this is what Imeant.
How did you take it?
(25:33):
And have a conversation, asopposed to being mad or not
answering my phone for days,childish, childish.
So the tool of all of that, thepoint of that, is to go and ask
your closest friends 10, if youcan.
How do I show up?
Who am I to you?
And ask them for the truth andlet them know there'll be no
(25:57):
backlash.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
And let them know there'll be no backlash.
That's where you push the pausein me.
I was like, oh, wait a minute,who's coming?
Yeah, I'm gonna get mad becauseI asked you for something.
It's amazing because we do dothat as people, just people.
We do that.
So I, I, you are somewhere thatyou landed, somewhere that I
(26:23):
would like to dig a littledeeper.
You said that they told youabout yourself and you did not
even know that that is what youwere doing, and they gave you
specific occurrences where youdid what you did.
(26:51):
When they told you, did youthen defend?
Oh no, that's not how that,what I was doing was deflect?
Hmm, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
I said nothing and I had to sit with that and I was
hurt.
I was hurt that I hurt thepeople that I love.
I was hurt and I had to sitwith it and feel the feels and I
did not like it, because theusual thing for me to do is to
(27:31):
deflect.
That's my go-to.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I did, that'snot what I meant.
This is what I said.
You took it that way.
That's on you, but I had to sitwith that and just feel the
feels and then go back andapologize.
Listen, I apologize for notjust I'm sorry, but acknowledge
(27:56):
that I hurt them and acknowledgewhat I had done.
Taking accountability and beingvulnerable, dancing all over
the place with accountabilityand vulnerability is what I'm
learning as a coach Alwayslearning and growing and reading
and doing something to improvewho I am, so that I can then
(28:19):
turn around and share that withthe people that I teach, the
women that I teach.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
After they told you.
I just want to classify it thisway.
You let me know if it'sincorrect and you correct me and
give me a better term.
But after they told you, yourugly actions, what changes?
Besides?
It takes a big person toapologize.
(28:47):
It takes a huge person, it?
No, it doesn't take a bigperson to apologize.
It takes a big person toapologize specifically for the
thing that was done and how youfelt about it.
Not that's the general oh, I'msorry.
So that's why I said no.
(29:07):
Anybody could just say I'msorry, could just say I'm sorry.
It's something when you want togather, give me the the who,
what, when, where, why of it, sothat I can unpack it and really
see myself in it and apologize.
So for that I say kudos.
But the ugliness of the action,your actions at that time.
(29:28):
How do you then take thatugliness and turn it into beauty
?
hmm, well, how but how did you?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
well, you know, I started, of course, with active
listening, meaning that I shutmy mouth and let them speak and
not interrupt, and feel whatthey were feeling.
So I'll give you an examplebetween my husband and I, one of
the things that we shared wasthat I interrupt him and I don't
(30:07):
listen to anything that he'ssaying ever when he's sharing
with me how he feels aboutsomething and it's it's a tug of
war and a battle, and I, ofcourse, wanted to interject, do
the very thing that he wastelling me about and say wait,
that's not me.
I know that's not what I meanwhen I say that, but I just let
(30:31):
him finish what he was sayingand then I said you know what,
from this moment on, I won'tinterrupt you when we're having
a conversation.
I will keep what I have to sayto myself until you have
finished and, from that point onmoving forward, we now have
better communication.
We have better communication.
(30:53):
We have better communicationbecause I allow him to speak
without interrupting, which then, in turn, gives him the space
to allow me to speak withoutinterrupting.
So there's no shouting, wedon't argue, we have a
conversation.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Hmm, and all of this is you and all of this is all of
this is done with a thread.
It's all woven together with athread of you said it before.
You said active listening.
What does that entail?
(31:29):
What is your definition ofactive listening?
Speaker 2 (31:53):
For me, active listening is the ability to hear
what the person is saying toyou, to have eye contact and to
internalize, not in a defensivemanner, but to feel what they
are feeling, or at least attemptto feel what they are feeling,
have sympathy and empathy forwhere they are feeling, or at
least attempt to feel what theyare feeling, have sympathy and
empathy for where they are, andeven putting yourself in their
shoes and seeing what they seefrom their perspective.
So the ability to see from theirperspective to me is active
listening, and I implement thatin my day job when I'm talking
(32:14):
to the two-year-olds, becauseit's easy to dismiss a
two-year-old like no, no, no,okay, go sit down.
No, tell Ms Mo what it is thatyou need.
Use your words, let me help you, help me, help you.
Right To the babies, and thenwith my children, who are 28, 24
, and 15.
I let them talk and I might notalways like what they're saying
(32:36):
, but I allow them to expressthemselves, and then we have a
dialect dialogue you know theword and Right.
And then the same with myhusband, my mother, my sister.
So Empathy and compassion.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Empathy and compassion.
It goes a long way, especiallybecause when we speak, we want
to be heard.
And what do you say to people?
Now we're back to the host.
Listen, I got a question.
Listen, I got a question.
(33:17):
You were talking about how youhave empathy.
And what do you say to peoplethat are constantly talking with
, people with and the otherperson seem to come to me,
already have their?
(33:37):
They're already at the end of aconversation that was never had
with me.
It seems as though they heldthe whole conversation in their
head.
They talked about it.
After they heard it, theytalked about it, while after
they heard it, they talked aboutit in the car driving and they
was like and by the time theygot to me it was wait, what's
(34:01):
happening?
How did we get here?
How do you help someone toconfront that?
So you're saying you putyourself out there to find out.
How can someone in that type ofrelationship say to someone
listen, I don't know what you'retalking about, right?
(34:23):
Without the person justthinking, no, what I'm saying
isn't making sense.
No, I don't know what you'vegot all of it.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
So you have to be okay with knowing that there's
nothing you can do about that.
You can't change somebody's mindOnce their mind is made up once
they've told themselves a storyin their head and they have
rehearsed the story and theyhave you in this position where,
oh, and I know she's going tosay this, and then I'm going to
(34:55):
say this, and then okay, is yourreply, because you will drive
yourself insane, trying to drillyour perspective into
somebody's face who is not opento your perspective.
There's absolutely nothing youcan do about it, and so you
would have to be okay with that.
And if this is something thatyou are encountering on an
ongoing basis, then that mightbe an unhealthy relationship,
(35:19):
right?
Speaker 1 (35:20):
if there's no space.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
That might be what.
I'm sorry.
That might be an unhealthyrelationship, be it romantic,
friendship.
What have you?
If there is um continuously a asituation where you are unable
to speak your peace or shareyour perspective, that's
unhealthy.
You should be in you.
(35:42):
You should be able to say thisis how I feel, this is what's
happening with me.
Let's have a conversation aboutit.
If it's always an argumentwhere you're trying to defend,
defend, defend yourself, mayberun.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Give me my bag, no.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
And you know in all seriousness, you want to be in a
space, you want to create aspace that is safe for you to be
who you are.
And even if who you arerequires work, that's still okay
.
That's still okay.
We are coming on six years.
Darius and I For the first fouryears I gave him hell, I gave
(36:34):
him holy hell and I had no ideathere was no safe space for him
to come so he could have pickedup and ran because I just said,
baby, run right.
But he was okay and he waspatient and he was fine.
He was okay with not being ableto share his perspective until
(36:55):
I was able to receive and see.
Life is work.
Life is work before you get tothe relationship, before I get
to be Monique the coach, MoniqueTalley the wife, Monique Talley
the mother.
All of that is work on anongoing basis and it never stops
(37:16):
.
You do get to rest, but thenyou got to keep going.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
You do get to rest, and then you got to keep going.
I want to know more aboutMonique Talley.
I feel you were going to share.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
Yeah, really now.
Oh, you weren't.
No, I don't mind, I'm open.
Don't do that to me.
No, we have to be.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
Let me tell you now we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we,
we.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
weird, weird weird, weird, weird, weird, weird,
weird, weird.
I'm an open book and I'm hereto.
I'm here to share it all andjust lay it all out on the table
.
But okay, so let's rewind andtake it back to Monique Caines,
because that's my maiden name,right?
So Monique Caines was mmm I'majust be raw with it.
(38:16):
I was very self-centered, veryselfish, very all about me, and
I thought, right, that once Ibecame Monique Talley, that all
of that disappeared because mylast name is different.
Now, having done the work thatI did, I did enough work to
attract my husband and that wasit.
(38:36):
Like I'm married now I don'thave to do anything else.
I'm good, I'm healed, I did mywork.
So don't be coming to thistable asking me what I'm doing
because we married.
So I'm going to go that way,you go that way.
So that's Monique Cain who'snow transitioned into Monique
Talley.
(38:56):
We're still not Monique thecoach yet, right?
So Monique Talley, theentrepreneur, the wife.
She's going to restaurantsdaily by herself, she's dipping
and dabbling and shopping, andshe's having a little bit of
wine and just living a singlelife.
I'm a married woman, but I'mdoing all the single things.
(39:18):
Then, right, not asking myhusband if he wants a dinner.
Just, we marry what you want.
Ready, you got me, I'm theprize.
I'm the prize.
You got all this.
You should be happy.
(39:39):
I said I do.
What more do you want?
Just acting up All kind offoolery.
And it took a grown Boaz to saywait a minute, this is not what
marriage is supposed to be.
I don't have the blueprint andthe non-step roadmap for
(40:01):
marriage, but I do know thatit's not this.
This is a mess.
So we got to clean this up andI was so resistant Monique
Talley now is very resistant toany type of change, any type of
leadership, any type of guidance.
You're a man, men, don't tellwomen what to do.
You won't be telling me what todo.
(40:21):
Who talks to their husband likethat?
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (40:29):
You said this Terrible, terrible.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
And he had all the rights and all the evidence and
all the proof to pick up allthat stuff and walk on up out of
here and then at some point ofhim telling me, listen, this
needs to change, this needs tochange.
I said you know what I'm goingto take this leadership course
(40:59):
and when I'm done I'm going toleave him, because it's just
going to reveal how petty andnarcissistic he is.
Poochie in the air, pooch thewhole mess.
Speaker 1 (41:10):
Yes, no, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
You took a course to prove that you were right yeah,
and he was wrong yes, that is,and the leadership course was
for you yes, okay, keep proceedand I jumped in that course like
I'm gonna take all thisinformation and give it to him
like right or attitude.
I was a mess nasty and in thatleadership course, when I had
(41:41):
this was the homework that I hadto ask my close friends and
family members how do I show up?
And when they gave me I waslike what?
I was befuddled and confused,didn't understand.
Oh, that's what he's talkingabout, okay, and then I those
(42:03):
walls started to break down andI started to understand.
One, I started to see hisperspective.
Two, I started to understandhow you're actually supposed to
treat somebody you're in arelationship with.
I had never seen a healthyrelationship ever from anyone in
(42:23):
my family.
I had no idea how it wassupposed to be.
I thought it was the housewives.
That was my example ofrelationships.
I am so serious.
Lives, that was my example ofrelationships.
I am so serious.
So now we're cultivating Moniquethe coach, and she's being
churned and she's being prunedand God done, sat her down
(42:44):
somewhere and said look at him,cut it out.
Cut it out, little Monique.
I was acting like a child.
I'm telling you all my businesstonight.
I was acting like a completeand total child.
I had asked for a Boaz.
I had asked for a grown manthat was going to love me
unconditionally, and when hecame, I had no idea how to let
(43:08):
him love me.
I had no idea how to follow hisright, and so I had done my all
, my nine step blueprint, all mysteps to get the husband, and
then, after that, we have anafter after party, because
there's more to talk about.
It's a lot more.
(43:29):
It's a lot more, yeah, so so wehave the three phases of
Monique Cain's, the singlemother, then Monique Talley, the
wife, and then Monique, thecoach.
There's a lot happening up inthere and that's soup, the
porridge, damn A gumbo.
Yes, yeah, a whole gumbo.
(43:52):
What?
Speaker 1 (43:55):
Yes, ma'am.
Ma'am you took a leadershipcourse.
Now, ha Ha ha.
You took a leadership courseand you're telling me that they
taught you how to serve.
I apologize, did I say that?
Did you crunch your pearls?
Yeah, yeah you took aleadership course and it taught
(44:19):
you, showed you, put you on thepath to be a servant absolutely.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
that's what they showed me, what true leadership
is.
True leadership is Trueleadership.
The ability to shift thetemperature in my home and in my
marriage.
That was leadership and that'swhat I learned, with the
(44:48):
intentions of proving my husbandwrong.
Who does that?
Who does that?
I had a whole agenda and goshturned me upside down and shook
me.
Speaker 1 (44:59):
And everything just fell out your pockets.
Everything.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
Even the lamp came on .
My Lord, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (45:14):
Okay, yes, ma'am, okay that you're right.
That is a whole another episode.
I don't even understand, okay,okay.
So how do you deal with, howhow can you help us to?
Because there's emotional,there's spiritual, there's
(45:34):
mental components that we allneed to address, to become, I
would say for me.
I always tell people I'mbecoming the wife for the
husband I designed right, so I'mworking with myself.
(45:57):
I can say so.
You were just vulnerable.
You just did that v word likenone other.
So I'll go ahead, I'll step andsay that you know, I, the
immaturity you mentionedimmaturity I can say that,
starting relationships, I didn'tknow what I was doing.
(46:18):
I literally.
So you said you started thatleadership class with the intent
of proving your husband wrong.
I started in relationships withthe intent of not living up to
(46:40):
what my grandfather said to meas I was a preteen.
I was coming down the steps andsome of you on Confident Youth,
some of the Confident Youthfamily, may have already heard
this, but I feel it bearsrepeating and my grandfather was
sitting in his chair in hisliving room in their home.
I was coming down the steps andhe said come here.
(47:00):
And I just was so honored.
I'm like my granddad wants totalk with me and, like he's not
at work, he's just sitting herechilling and you're telling me
to come here.
And I came and I rushed and Isat at his feet and it was, you
know, it was granddad sitting inhis big chair and I'm just
sitting there and I sat at hisfeet and he took a deep breath
(47:21):
and he looked at me and he saidyou fat and you black, ain't
nobody ever going to want you.
You'll lose that black ain'tnobody ever gonna want you.
You'll lose that.
Whoa I know for the first partof me being in relationships
(47:44):
into two, maybe three decades Iwas just vying for okay, you
said two things.
You said I'm Black and I'mBlack.
I can't change that.
(48:05):
I can't change that.
So I would look at colors.
I would look at myself as lessthan when people were of a
lighter hue, I thought they werepretty.
I didn't think I was pretty.
So that's a component of mystory I've never shared.
But what I did hear was I hadan opportunity if I could lose
(48:30):
the weight.
I was becoming a woman.
I had started picking up weight.
He was like, yeah, no, you'regoing to have to do something
about that.
He already let me know thisskin is not going anywhere.
This dark color that you haveis not going anywhere.
(48:51):
So I've always, in the beginning, I went with who said they
wanted me.
So that's why I felt it was sovital to bring you back and make
sure you went through thosenine steps.
And I thought it was soimportant for us to come back
(49:16):
and do this after party, wherewe went through the Ruth and
Boaz and how you get your Boazand that the real root of it is
you.
You're looking for something,and it's really you.
You're looking for somethingand it's really you.
I did not know that that's whatI was operating on.
(49:40):
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I was like, okay, this personlikes me, so I'll hang out here.
Don't get me wrong.
I wasn't sleeping around witheverybody.
But I'm like, okay, well, I'llbe with you.
I was telling them no, I heldon to virginity for a long time.
(50:00):
I didn't let it go.
I got two kids out of wedlock,so we ain't going to talk about
that.
Speaker 2 (50:05):
That's not the part we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (50:09):
That's not the part we're discussing.
Discussing.
I'm just saying I wasn't, youknow, extremely promiscuous when
I started.
You know going that's myboyfriend, but it was to the
point that let me tell you howbad that first one that said he
was my boyfriend, listen, you'remy girl, like we together, but
(50:30):
don't tell nobody, because Iwant a body and not this hmm,
yeah, yeah, that's heavy right.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
So how, how long did that last, and what did you
learn from that?
Speaker 1 (50:55):
Four years and it wasn't because I gave up,
because I thought so much ofmyself until after things just
I'm like girls just started,like that girl, that girl, that
girl of crib, like that girl,that girl, that girl.
That's why you could wait untilI said I would, I would be
ready.
You could wait for years for meto do the thing you wanted me
(51:16):
to do.
You could wait because you wasout here with.
But then when I got to the nextone, I was like I'm going to
lose them if I don't.
Speaker 2 (51:31):
Right.
Speaker 1 (51:34):
And you do this as immature, in the immature stage
of life, in the immature seasonof life, but I feel like I'm
sharing this because I want totalk to those women that are
still doing this.
That's where I wanna end withthat, that discussion.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
You know, for a majority of us, we weren't
taught how to be human firstright.
We weren't taught anythingabout.
I want to speak for myself.
I wasn't taught about anythingabout boys other than what I saw
(52:18):
and my grandmother's house withall my uncles, my father's
brothers, and then anything thatI saw my mom go through with my
dad or my grandparents.
So I never in my family, never,was there a conversation about.
This is how you should be andthis is what you should do when
it comes to relationships.
(52:38):
And so now, as adult women 30something, 20 something, 30
something, 40 something, and andso on it's important for us to
take account, step one, reflectright on what we've been through
, what we've seen and what we'veexperienced In addition to
(53:00):
trauma, which we have to takebase on at some point, but in
addition to trauma and justbegin to do the work on those
things.
And that work looks like havinga therapist.
Because coaching is great, Iwould say hire me when you are
looking for a coach, but firsttalk to that therapist and heal
(53:21):
those childhood wounds.
Get all the books, Read all thebooks.
You have to do the work inorder to attract that spouse
that's going to take care of you, and that's going to when I say
take care of you, I don't meanmonetarily, but I mean as far as
being a safe space and allowingyou to be who you are and to
helping you heal and to help youaddress those traumas and
(53:42):
knowing your triggers and nottriggering you intentionally.
Right, so we have to do the workfor us.
We're talking about us, right,let's talk about us.
Yes, we have to do the work toheal ourselves before we can go
out there attracting and lookingfor anybody.
And it starts with you doingthe same way.
(54:04):
You get up and you shower andyou eat daily.
You have to remember to beintentional.
Be intentional about who youdesire to attract, Boom.
Speaker 1 (54:15):
Okay.
So being intentional about whoyou desire to attract starts
with.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
It starts with being intentional about who you are.
So it starts with you beingintentional about you know what.
When I asked my mom how do Ishow up for her, she told me
this, this and this, and Ididn't like that.
So let me find a book that canhelp me combat those things.
Let me find a scripture and sitand stand on his word and
(54:42):
meditate on the word of thatscripture, of that thing that I
don't like about myself, that Iwant to change.
And let me read all the booksand let me go to therapy.
It's a lot of work and it's alot of digging.
If you're 46 like me, you got46 years worth of digging to do.
It's a lot of work and itdoesn't stop and it's doable,
(55:03):
it's doable.
Speaker 1 (55:05):
And it doesn't stop and it's doable.
I love it and it does not stop.
We are forever learning.
That is what Confident here is.
It is here for the Confidentyou Network is for us to create
a community, a community wherewe share and just tell each
(55:27):
other different areas of lifeand business that we can grow
and be better in, and Iappreciate having you as part of
our family tree.
Thank you, monique the coach,for coming through.
Listen, good people.
If you want to work with theone and only Monique the coat,
(55:52):
listen first.
If you want to just see somelittle snippets of action, of
tidbits, of vital information,just some good.
Listen on this girl's socialmedia.
You're gonna laugh, laugh.
Why are you laughing?
You're laughing because you'renot telling the truth.
Speaker 2 (56:14):
I'll be trying to hold back my funny, but yes, go
ahead.
Speaker 1 (56:17):
You're going to laugh , you're going to enjoy yourself
, you're going to learn, you'regoing to grow, you're going to
glean and see how Ruth, moniqueand her Boaz Listen, darius,
don't play with me, sir, you'regonna come on here, I'm not
playing that you will see justthe love that they have for that
(56:40):
, that just follow her.
If you're looking to see whatlove looks like and how it
should sound, and just to hearthe inspiration of love at all
times, that is how you followher.
Listen, and if you go to herlink tree, you're going to be
able to access everything.
(57:01):
When I say everything, let metell you just a few.
I'll tell you just a few things.
Listen, you'll be able toaccess her book.
Did I say author?
Wait, listen, I don't think onthe episode I didn't say.
But if you've known theconfident you family, we know
who monique the coach is.
She is a life and love,relationship dating coach.
(57:24):
All things relationship, butlife, because everything you can
apply to a relationship you canapply to yourself.
As you apply to yourself, yourlife gets better.
I'm just saying so you can goand get that book, the love
magnet attraction formula.
Now, wait, go back and watchepisode 35 and you'll see her
(57:47):
top nine steps.
But then you want to get thisbook so you can dig real deep.
You can dig real deep and getto that attraction of love.
Listen, but that's not allyou're going to find there.
Tell the audience about thismagnetic woman roadmap challenge
(58:11):
.
Listen.
The title changed because whenshe started telling me the stuff
, I said boo, that's a challenge, you are challenging people.
So even when you go and watchepisode 35, you'll say that
wasn't the name, no.
But after she explained it Isaid, oh, you are challenging
ladies to be better, to do, dobetter, to get better, to have
(58:32):
better, to relate better.
Go ahead, I apologize, I'mexcited.
Speaker 2 (58:38):
Listen, in this Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge
, it is a challenge.
It is a challenge to push youto become your best self for you
first and foremost.
You to become your best selffor you first and foremost,
before we can attract anybody,we're going to learn how to
(58:59):
become our best selves in thischallenge.
So when you go to my link treeand you click I believe it's the
first button on the link treeyou click that and you sign the
Google form and then I'll get incontact with you and I'll put
you in that class.
The class is free of charge forDecember.
So fill out the paper, go tothe Google form, get in this
class.
It's going to be fire.
I only have the spots.
(59:19):
I only have the spots for sevenmore women.
I want to make sure it'sintimate and I'm able to answer
everybody's questions.
So come on and join me andlet's get this work done.
Let's do the work.
I am here to help you do thework.
You don't have to do it byyourself.
Speaker 1 (59:38):
Absolutely beautiful.
Listen.
I would encourage everyone whohears this, anyone who knows
someone who needs this sign upon her link tree and then you
can go on the waiting list forother times.
If December is not a good timefor you, sign up now to go on
(59:59):
the waiting list for the classesthat are coming.
But December she's doing a gift.
She's gifting this.
This is her gift to everyoneduring this holiday season.
I know it's Christmas.
What I say it is it's Christmas, so I'm not going to get on my
soapbox, listen.
(01:00:19):
So she is gifting to everyone,all the women, all the single
ladies, all the single ladies,this class and I would say you
definitely want to go over there.
Sign up and if you can't getinto December, don't worry.
She will put you on the waitinglist and make sure she reaches
out as the classes come back out.
(01:00:39):
Rotation, rotation, becauseyou're trying to help Wait your
mission.
You're trying to help how manywomen?
Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
Wait a minute.
A hundred.
There are 4.7 million singlemothers in the United States.
I just want to help.
A hundred thousand, a hundredthousand, that's all.
Speaker 1 (01:00:57):
So sign up so you can be one of the hundred thousand
women that she is on a missionto help my Lord.
I really do appreciate youcoming through, taking the time
to stay for the after the showis the after party.
I appreciate it.
(01:01:18):
Listen, y'all will be seeing alot more of Monique the coach.
I'm just saying your impact isvery is deeply felt.
Like I said, people werereaching out and I had to get
you back in here.
So I'm looking forward to doingother things.
I'm looking forward to sharingwhen you're going out and
(01:01:38):
speaking, because you gotspeaking engagements coming up.
I can't wait to share thatinformation.
You know, ladies, if you haveyour group, your book club and
things like that, you wantsomebody to come out and really
just have everybody in the roomget real, so they can get real
much better on the real side.
Yeah, this is who you want tohave coming, because she's an
(01:02:02):
author, she's a speaker, she's acoach.
Oh, my goodness, all the thingsthat you do.
Go ahead, keep going, keepgoing.
I'm a wife, I'm Keep going.
I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I'm asister.
Speaker 2 (01:02:12):
I'm a daughter.
I'm a sister, all of that Childof God, first and foremost, yes
, I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:02:19):
Child of the most high, my sister, I appreciate
you.
Thank you so much for yet againanswering the call.
I will be seeing you soon.
All right, everybody Listen,confident you.
I really do appreciate you guyssupporting this platform, where
(01:02:43):
we just are building a networkof confidence amongst ourselves,
confidence for us to be able toget better in areas that we
probably some, some of us,didn't even know.
I need to get better with that.
I need to get better with that.
That's some good information.
Oh, she helped me.
Now I don't have to go aroundand search and ask I can look on
here.
There's some.
I need some financial help.
(01:03:04):
Let me go through these episodeshere.
Let me hear this person okay,let me see what.
Okay, let me see what.
This next person and you'regonna be able to vet people and
go ahead and secure your coach.
But I'm telling you this herethis dating is not like.
She has to come back, becausedating is totally different.
We haven't even talked aboutjust the different aspects and
(01:03:25):
avenues of dating and how toreally how nowadays you are to
be putting yourself out there tobe able to be found.
(01:03:54):
She the greatness that she wasby greatness.
So that's all we're trying todo here at Confident Youth, all
right.
So please share this episodewith anybody you know that is
looking for somebody, or shouldbe.
Listen, you shouldn't becutting yourself off from
finding love.
(01:04:15):
So like, share, subscribe, hitthe notification bell.
Don't forget to follow us onInstagram and Facebook, at
Marion Swingler and at confidentyou underscore podcast.
Why underscore?
Because there is so much moreto come and if you or someone
(01:04:36):
you know is suffering at thehands of domestic violence,
please give them this number ortake this number and see how you
can, you know, begin to have aconversation.
You know, begin to have aconversation.
The number is 1-888-80-HELPS.
That's 43577.
That's Bethany House, who ishere to help the globe, all
(01:04:59):
around the world, with thosethat are suffering at the hands
of domestic violence.
We also have the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline,
1-800-799-safe 7233.
And see you in the next episode.
Yo, welcome to the after party.
The last time you saw ustogether, you saw us in episode
35 of Confident you Podcast.
Let me tell you somethingMonique the coach is not playing
with us Ladies.
She was calling all the singleladies and she gave us an actual
(00:27):
playbook to be able to approachdating much more effectively
with a goal in mind, so that weknow exactly which way we're
running and what the actualmission of the plan is.
I'm so excited that you stayedwith us.
(00:49):
Listen, thank you so much foreverything you've already
invested in the Confident youtribe.
I just I appreciate you.
My goodness, that plan was veryeffective.
Listen, if you also have notseen my first time.
Listen this is anotherappearance on the Confident you
network platform, that firsttime.
Listen, this is anotherappearance on on the confident
you network platform that firsttime she came through.
Listen episode 26 love, don'tlive here anymore.
(01:14):
You definitely want to go backand check that out.
When I say the woman is fire,I'm not playing.
She out here blazing upeverything you thought you knew,
Trying to get you purified intowhere you want and need to be.
Listen, Monique, how are you?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
Good evening, my dear .
I am well.
I am well.
Thank you for having me on theafter party.
The after party okay, wescratching it up, we mixing and
flipping, and all of that it's aparty.
It's the after party.
We scratching it up, we mixingand flipping, and all of that
it's a party.
It's the after party.
Listen, I'm here to spreadstraight facts, answer any
questions that you have, havegirl talk conversations and just
(01:57):
be authentic and and give me aminute and vulnerable, not the V
, the V word.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Not the V word.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you donot understand the definition
and the depths of the V word,you definitely want to go back
and check out episode 35 withMonique the coach.
Listen, calling all the singleladies, listen.
I just.
This is where I want to pick up.
(02:26):
This is where my heart is ledme to be.
I want to tell you, I want toshare with you something.
First, I read this amazingstory and I feel like this is
what ladies really want.
This is what we want, want,this is what we want.
(02:52):
I read this amazing story andI've got to tell you what we
want.
I want you to describe it foreveryone.
So, I read this great book andin this book it told the story
of a young woman who had losther husband and she needed to or
she vowed to, and she wascommitted to making sure that
(03:16):
her husband's mom was still good, so much so that she didn't go
back home to her people.
She stayed with her husband'smom and went to her people, like
she didn't go back home to mamaand them she said, no, we're
going to go to wherever you'regoing.
I'm going where you're going,because to me it's never been
(03:36):
discussed.
But I think in her mind she waslike my husband would not be
good with me just leaving byyourself.
Be good with me just leaving byyourself.
So she went and on their wayshe starts to.
She needs to take care of them.
There's no, it's them two, it'stwo women.
There's no man to take care ofthem.
And this is in a time where thework was not easy.
(03:59):
You had to actually go out in afield and, and, and, and and
collect food, and and, and beable to sell it or even to take
care of themselves.
And that's what she did.
She went to this field and shesaid listen, can I just glean
after your workers.
Can I, just after your workersare finished collecting
everything for the person whoowns this land, who y'all
(04:21):
working for, can Can I just gobehind y'all and see if there's
anything that you left and I'lljust take that.
The guy was like sure she hadbeen doing it for a while and
then all of a sudden the ownercame and he said yo, who that?
And the guy said, well, listen,he told her her story, how she
(04:46):
lost her husband, how she stayedwith the mom, how you know, he
just lets her go behind all theworkers as they're working and
she collects behind them and sheactually finds more stuff to
collect.
He really didn't think nothingof it, but she actually does it.
She doesn't rest, she worksjust like the other workers work
.
She, she takes the break whenthey take breaks and she goes
(05:08):
back to work like she's actuallyworking here.
But that's how she's takingcare of this, her, her
mother-in-law, who's alsowidowed, right, and that's how
she's taking care of everything.
And he just watched.
He looked at that dude and saidlet me tell you something don't
touch him.
You let her continue to dowhatever she do and whatever you
(05:29):
give them other workers yougive to her it's water and stuff
on the side.
She gets access to that.
Don't touch her, let her keepgoing.
Well, the her, her, her, herhusband's mother found out.
Her mother-in-law found out andwas like yo, come here real
(05:51):
quick when there was a big eventcoming up and she said I'm
going to need you to go in there, get dolled up, put on your
best perfume.
I need you to listen to meright now, Go and prepare
yourself.
And she said okay, and she didit.
(06:13):
She said I need you to now go.
Wait, we're waiting, wait,we're at this big event.
Everybody's just having a goodtime.
This mother-in-law is watchingthe owner and telling her just
wait, wait, I'm telling you.
She's watching him and watchinghim and right at that opportune
(06:34):
moment, she said go, standright there.
He saw her and that is wherethe union of Ruth and Boaz came
together.
And, yes, this great book thatI'm discussing is the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
So Ruth found her Boaz.
(06:57):
So I want to just share withthe.
I want you to share with theaudience.
The ladies listen, all thesingle ladies that want to find
their Boaz.
All these Ruths, all of theseladies are searching for this
Boaz.
(07:17):
What have you found to be thecharacteristics that most ladies
are looking for in their Boaz.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
First of all, you're going to make me cry Because, as
you are sharing the story, I'mlike I know that story, I know
that story.
There's a book called God Wearsmy Boat, and that story sits in
my heart Because what I hearwhen you share is unconditional
love, selfless love, right.
(08:03):
When you share is unconditionallove, selfless love, right.
Because she could have pickedup when her husband died and
said I'm going over here with mypeople, but she stayed in
remembrance of her husband tokeep her mother-in-law company
and she became loved.
She could have left and went onabout her business.
And so, with that being said to, to answer your question, the,
(08:28):
the boas that ladies are lookingfor is one who, who is kind,
one who is going to provide a, astrong provider.
I want to say handsome, but thatis subjective, based on what
you like.
So handsome, right, handsomeBased on what you like, handsome
(08:50):
based on what you like, right,and just someone who's going to
love you unconditionally,someone who is going to see you
at the ball and nobody else.
They're going to zero in on youand you're going to know, and
he's going to know, andeverybody's going to know he
loves her.
How many years y'all beentogether or we just met Right.
(09:10):
That thing that, when you seeit, you cannot deny, it's
undeniable.
That's the definition of Boazin my book.
I hope that answers yourquestion, ma'amam it definitely
does.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Strong, undeniable, handsome.
As to what you want, you gavephysical attributes that strong
(09:48):
for me, I would place under.
So we'll talk.
I want to talk physical,emotional, spiritual, financial.
I want to talk about all thethings that, because you told us
to make a list.
Right, if you did not, if youdo not know that playbook, I'm
(10:11):
telling you go back and checkout episode 35 of Confident you
podcast so you can get yourwhole playbook and start making
this list.
But you told us to make a list.
I really want to horn in onthat component right now, that
list that we're making.
(10:31):
And we want somebody who'sloving unconditionally.
We want somebody that's strongand we want that undeniable
connection that's not just seenby him, not just seen by me, but
seen by everyone in a crowdedroom.
Right, how do you?
(10:56):
You have this list?
How do you become a Ruth that'sdeserving of a love like you
want?
I can't say a love like that.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
I love that you want.
I love that you desire.
Like Oprah, you desire, youdesire right.
So really it's intangiblebecause it's by you just being,
simply being that love.
That was Ruth.
(11:35):
She became that.
Like I said, she displayedunconditional and selfless love
by doing acts of service for hermother-in-law when she could
have put herself first andskated and said I'm gonna go
over here with my people, withmy mama and them take care.
But by simply becoming the lovethat you desire for yourself,
(11:59):
from going within and andconnecting with, with spirit,
with source, sitting down and II'm just saying reading your
Bible, right, and becoming onewith spirit.
That's really the only way youhave to go within.
If you keep it external, thenyou're going to keep attracting
(12:23):
those who are superficial, whocan't see you for who you are,
who only want you for who youappear to be.
And to turn it around on me I'ma shapely woman.
There's a lot happening behindthis camera.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
Ladies and gentlemen, I just want you to read the
original Coca-Cola bottle.
You ain't never seen that.
Until you've seen somethingRight, all right, go ahead,
ma'am, okay.
Speaker 2 (12:54):
Thank you for that.
And I say that to say I had tobe very protective of who I
allowed in my space, and so mydiscernment was at an all-time
high when I was in my datingphase, because I was practicing
celibacy as those on one of mystaffs right, and I said to
myself, my body will know when Imeet my husband.
(13:17):
I had no idea what that meant,none.
But when I did the actualservice, I became love for
myself myself, for my family and, you know, for the community.
I was doing vision boardworkshops, I was volunteering
here.
I was doing and beingsimultaneously, not physically,
(13:41):
but I'm just saying, as we met,I felt this sense of peace come
over me and I wasn't in my head,I didn't have to think, oh, is
he the one, or should I call him, or you know it.
Just there was no chatter abouthim, my body knew, because I
was just at peace with who I was, with who he was.
(14:04):
So, being Ruth or being likeRuth or being like, you just do
the work.
And the work consists of thejournaling and reading the books
.
And you have to do the work asa requirement If you are looking
for a lifetime partner, if youare looking to attract someone
(14:27):
to spend the rest of your lifewith the work is required.
That's like saying I'm hungryand I want to eat, but you don't
go to the supermarket or youdon't pick up the phone to order
.
You just sit in here saying I'mhungry.
There's no food that is goingto arrive in front of you, just
as there is no spouse that willarrive in front of you, just as
there is no spouse that willarrive in front of you without
(14:48):
you doing.
No quality spouse that's goingto arrive in front of you
without doing work.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
So you're saying faith without works is dead Is
dead.
There we go, my Lord, my Lord,I really want to, okay.
So I want to get into thesecomponents Physical.
If you're desiring someone whois your physical attraction
(15:20):
again yours.
Everybody is different.
I know tall women who likeshorter guys.
I know short guys who say Iwon't date anybody who's above
me, I just, and vice versa.
I know smaller dudes who likethick girls.
I know thick girls that gouh-uh, he has to be my same size
(15:41):
.
So everybody has their own.
Some people love chocolate,some people love chocolate, some
people love vanilla.
Some people are like, listen, Ilike all ice cream, all the
flavors.
You just can't be super crazyfor me.
I have to feel that love, youknow.
So I know that there are justdifferent aspects.
(16:03):
But the physical.
I want to talk about thephysical.
If you are a woman and you'relooking for the rock, what do
you think?
Not Dwayne Johnson?
Dwayne Johnson, why wouldn't Iput the one I want?
Listen, right now.
(16:23):
This is my question.
I'm going to get to everybodyelse.
I'm listening.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
I'm listening.
I promise you, I'm listening.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
I am going to get to the other questions that the
people who requested you got toget her back on here.
I got a question.
I'm going to do a little hostflag on the play and go ahead
with the physical.
If I am and I'm not, he'smarried, so I'm just saying
(16:53):
someone who looks that way.
That is the type of physicalthat I like.
I don't mess with people.
You mess with someone.
That's not it.
So if that's the look, what, asa woman, should I be thinking
to get ready to receive that?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Well, that's simple Become that, Become that.
And nobody's saying you got tobe cut up with a six pack and
you know old chisels.
But you want to begin to takecare of yourself, because a man
of that caliber is someone whoprobably eats healthy, who is
probably in the gym, maybedoesn't eat any fast foods or
(17:35):
soft drinks, you know, maybe hisalcohol intake is limited, if
at all.
So you want to start, start toput yourself in a mindset of I
want to call them a millionairehabit.
So you have a routine.
You have your routine where youget up in the morning, you do
your meditation, your devotional, your journaling, Give yourself
(17:59):
a half an hour morning and thenwhatever 10 or 15 minute
routine that you't work out,whatever 10 or 15 minute routine
that's gonna work out well,your bow ass in the background.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
I will put up that fake little blur screen and
he'll be sitting right therenext to you answering.
I'm not playing.
To you answering I'm notplaying.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
We live.
He said we live.
He was like okay, he good.
With that being said, inaddition to that, you want to
practice the same habits thatyour potential spouse is maybe
practicing or that you think hecould be, and if you don't know,
you can YouTube it or Google it.
What morning routine domillionaires have?
(18:48):
What should I be doing?
Like I am on google and youtubefor everything.
If I can't figure it out, I'mgonna google it, I'm gonna
youtube it, and then I'm gonnatake a little bit of this and a
little bit of that and make itmy own, no different than a
recipe, hmm.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
No different than a recipe, but an amazing recipe, I
must say my grandmother used tomake.
I miss my grandma.
I love you, grandma Rosa.
She would make socket timmycake.
I would say that everything youjust explained would be a
socket timmy cake.
Listen, say that everything youjust explained would be a
soccer timmy cake.
Listen, I'm about this cakehere, about the socket.
(19:30):
That just going, because that'swhat we have right now.
Our youtube and social media hasreally replaced everything that
we have going on right now.
Googling.
Most people are like Google it,go to YouTube.
(19:50):
Yeah, that's kind of notreplaced, but that's where our
information avenue is right nowand in these days you really
don't go to the encyclopedia andthings like that, and I'm
hoping that, this being onConfident you Network, this is a
space, a safe space, wherepeople can also gather
(20:12):
information and really getbetter at the things they want
to get better at.
So that is the physicalcomponent.
I had another question, becauseyou keep saying millionaires,
so we're going to jump straightto.
Yes, I had someone ask.
They said can you ask Moniquethe coach how?
(20:36):
Yes, I have a piece of paper.
Don't play with me.
You thought I'm letting youknow, girl.
They came for you.
They was like uh-uh, where isshe?
Speaker 2 (20:47):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Look how happy my question.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I love it, so here we are let's go.
Speaker 1 (20:51):
How can I catch a million?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Well, my question to the person that asked that
question would be are you amillionaire?
Are you working on yourmillions?
What are you doing as anentrepreneur as an entrepreneur,
as both to secure your financesbefore you go looking over in
somebody else's lane?
What's happening in their lane?
(21:18):
You can't pan over to the rightor the left until you've got
your driving down path.
So let's figure that out first.
Let's figure out who we are andwho we are being and who our
bank accounts are being.
Then we can talk about whathe's doing over there with his
money.
Was that too spicy?
Speaker 1 (21:43):
I mean it's a little caliente.
You know, I got a little chokedup, I did Like I couldn't
breathe for seconds there.
But it is true, if you're notfinancially set, then you get
with a millionaire you won't beable to add.
Then you get with a millionaireyou won't be able to add.
(22:06):
No, you will just be drainingand draining, and draining if
you have not conditionedyourself in such a fashion as to
be a benefit and not a deficit.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
Right.
You don't want to come to a manthe husband that you're looking
for you got to prepare for him.
You don't want to meet thatperson and he's checking off all
your boxes but you don't checkoff any of his.
People want to get out of blackhole.
They want to leave a black hole.
So you don't want to presentyourself.
You know all pretty andpackaged.
You know all pretty andpackaged and then when you get
(22:43):
from where, private, you turnout to be a draining black hole
or a leech or a succubus, andthose are the words.
It is what it is.
It is what it is and it's goingto, that is going to unfold and
it's not going to turn out inyour favor.
So you want to be mindful ofhow you show up, how you present
yourself, how you presentyourself, who you are to other
(23:07):
people.
You may think that you are oneway, but you could very well be
showing up the total opposite ofwho you think you are.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Okay, now I got another question for you.
You said you may think you'reshowing up one way, but you very
well may be showing up totallyopposite than what you think.
How?
What is a way that a woman canget someone, or how can she find
(23:38):
out how she's showing?
Speaker 2 (23:40):
okay, that's, that's a perfect question.
I'm gonna use myself as anexample.
I I was in a, a leadershipcourse, and it was like a seven
month course and one of thehomeworks I was challenged with
asking my closest friends andfamily members how I show up.
(24:01):
And I'm thinking to myself, oh,that's a breeze.
I already know how I show up.
I'm kind, I'm loving, I'm open,I listen to everybody.
You know, it was like this isgoing to be fun, and that was
not the response that I got back.
(24:24):
The response that I got back wasthat I'm short-tempered, I'm
rude, I cut people off, I don'tlisten, I treat them the way I
want to treat them, as opposedto the way they desire to be
treated.
And this is from my sister, mymother, my cousin, my best
(24:46):
friend, my husband.
Ouch, you know that stung, butit was nothing I could do but
receive that because I asked forit.
I asked how do I show up, howdo I treat you, what do I do to
you, straight up.
And then they just ran down thelist of things over the course
of years that I had been doingor ways that I had been being
and showing up, and I had, whenI tell you no idea, none, none.
(25:13):
And so I had no choice but todive deeper into me to fix that.
And so there are times where Icatch myself being in those ways
.
But now I'm aware and I stopmyself and I go back and I say
you know what?
I apologize, this is what Imeant.
How did you take it?
(25:33):
And have a conversation, asopposed to being mad or not
answering my phone for days,childish, childish.
So the tool of all of that, thepoint of that, is to go and ask
your closest friends 10, if youcan.
How do I show up?
Who am I to you?
And ask them for the truth andlet them know there'll be no
(25:57):
backlash.
Speaker 1 (26:03):
And let them know there'll be no backlash.
That's where you push the pausein me.
I was like, oh, wait a minute,who's coming?
Yeah, I'm gonna get mad becauseI asked you for something.
It's amazing because we do dothat as people, just people.
We do that.
So I, I, you are somewhere thatyou landed, somewhere that I
(26:23):
would like to dig a littledeeper.
You said that they told youabout yourself and you did not
even know that that is what youwere doing, and they gave you
specific occurrences where youdid what you did.
(26:51):
When they told you, did youthen defend?
Oh no, that's not how that,what I was doing was deflect?
Hmm, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
I said nothing and I had to sit with that and I was
hurt.
I was hurt that I hurt thepeople that I love.
I was hurt and I had to sitwith it and feel the feels and I
did not like it, because theusual thing for me to do is to
(27:31):
deflect.
That's my go-to.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's not what I did, that'snot what I meant.
This is what I said.
You took it that way.
That's on you, but I had to sitwith that and just feel the
feels and then go back andapologize.
Listen, I apologize for notjust I'm sorry, but acknowledge
(27:56):
that I hurt them and acknowledgewhat I had done.
Taking accountability and beingvulnerable, dancing all over
the place with accountabilityand vulnerability is what I'm
learning as a coach Alwayslearning and growing and reading
and doing something to improvewho I am, so that I can then
(28:19):
turn around and share that withthe people that I teach, the
women that I teach.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
After they told you.
I just want to classify it thisway.
You let me know if it'sincorrect and you correct me and
give me a better term.
But after they told you, yourugly actions, what changes?
Besides?
It takes a big person toapologize.
(28:47):
It takes a huge person, it?
No, it doesn't take a bigperson to apologize.
It takes a big person toapologize specifically for the
thing that was done and how youfelt about it.
Not that's the general oh, I'msorry.
So that's why I said no.
(29:07):
Anybody could just say I'msorry, could just say I'm sorry.
It's something when you want togather, give me the the who,
what, when, where, why of it, sothat I can unpack it and really
see myself in it and apologize.
So for that I say kudos.
But the ugliness of the action,your actions at that time.
(29:28):
How do you then take thatugliness and turn it into beauty
?
hmm, well, how but how did you?
Speaker 2 (29:43):
well, you know, I started, of course, with active
listening, meaning that I shutmy mouth and let them speak and
not interrupt, and feel whatthey were feeling.
So I'll give you an examplebetween my husband and I, one of
the things that we shared wasthat I interrupt him and I don't
(30:07):
listen to anything that he'ssaying ever when he's sharing
with me how he feels aboutsomething and it's it's a tug of
war and a battle, and I, ofcourse, wanted to interject, do
the very thing that he wastelling me about and say wait,
that's not me.
I know that's not what I meanwhen I say that, but I just let
(30:31):
him finish what he was sayingand then I said you know what,
from this moment on, I won'tinterrupt you when we're having
a conversation.
I will keep what I have to sayto myself until you have
finished and, from that point onmoving forward, we now have
better communication.
We have better communication.
(30:53):
We have better communicationbecause I allow him to speak
without interrupting, which then, in turn, gives him the space
to allow me to speak withoutinterrupting.
So there's no shouting, wedon't argue, we have a
conversation.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
Hmm, and all of this is you and all of this is all of
this is done with a thread.
It's all woven together with athread of you said it before.
You said active listening.
What does that entail?
(31:29):
What is your definition ofactive listening?
Speaker 2 (31:53):
For me, active listening is the ability to hear
what the person is saying toyou, to have eye contact and to
internalize, not in a defensivemanner, but to feel what they
are feeling, or at least attemptto feel what they are feeling,
have sympathy and empathy forwhere they are feeling, or at
least attempt to feel what theyare feeling, have sympathy and
empathy for where they are, andeven putting yourself in their
shoes and seeing what they seefrom their perspective.
So the ability to see from theirperspective to me is active
listening, and I implement thatin my day job when I'm talking
(32:14):
to the two-year-olds, becauseit's easy to dismiss a
two-year-old like no, no, no,okay, go sit down.
No, tell Ms Mo what it is thatyou need.
Use your words, let me help you, help me, help you.
Right To the babies, and thenwith my children, who are 28, 24
, and 15.
I let them talk and I might notalways like what they're saying
(32:36):
, but I allow them to expressthemselves, and then we have a
dialect dialogue you know theword and Right.
And then the same with myhusband, my mother, my sister.
So Empathy and compassion.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
Empathy and compassion.
It goes a long way, especiallybecause when we speak, we want
to be heard.
And what do you say to people?
Now we're back to the host.
Listen, I got a question.
Listen, I got a question.
(33:17):
You were talking about how youhave empathy.
And what do you say to peoplethat are constantly talking with
, people with and the otherperson seem to come to me,
already have their?
(33:37):
They're already at the end of aconversation that was never had
with me.
It seems as though they heldthe whole conversation in their
head.
They talked about it.
After they heard it, theytalked about it, while after
they heard it, they talked aboutit in the car driving and they
was like and by the time theygot to me it was wait, what's
(34:01):
happening?
How did we get here?
How do you help someone toconfront that?
So you're saying you putyourself out there to find out.
How can someone in that type ofrelationship say to someone
listen, I don't know what you'retalking about, right?
(34:23):
Without the person justthinking, no, what I'm saying
isn't making sense.
No, I don't know what you'vegot all of it.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
So you have to be okay with knowing that there's
nothing you can do about that.
You can't change somebody's mindOnce their mind is made up once
they've told themselves a storyin their head and they have
rehearsed the story and theyhave you in this position where,
oh, and I know she's going tosay this, and then I'm going to
(34:55):
say this, and then okay, is yourreply, because you will drive
yourself insane, trying to drillyour perspective into
somebody's face who is not opento your perspective.
There's absolutely nothing youcan do about it, and so you
would have to be okay with that.
And if this is something thatyou are encountering on an
ongoing basis, then that mightbe an unhealthy relationship,
(35:19):
right?
Speaker 1 (35:20):
if there's no space.
Speaker 2 (35:21):
That might be what.
I'm sorry.
That might be an unhealthyrelationship, be it romantic,
friendship.
What have you?
If there is um continuously a asituation where you are unable
to speak your peace or shareyour perspective, that's
unhealthy.
You should be in you.
(35:42):
You should be able to say thisis how I feel, this is what's
happening with me.
Let's have a conversation aboutit.
If it's always an argumentwhere you're trying to defend,
defend, defend yourself, mayberun.
Speaker 1 (36:02):
Give me my bag, no.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
And you know in all seriousness, you want to be in a
space, you want to create aspace that is safe for you to be
who you are.
And even if who you arerequires work, that's still okay
.
That's still okay.
We are coming on six years.
Darius and I For the first fouryears I gave him hell, I gave
(36:34):
him holy hell and I had no ideathere was no safe space for him
to come so he could have pickedup and ran because I just said,
baby, run right.
But he was okay and he waspatient and he was fine.
He was okay with not being ableto share his perspective until
(36:55):
I was able to receive and see.
Life is work.
Life is work before you get tothe relationship, before I get
to be Monique the coach, MoniqueTalley the wife, Monique Talley
the mother.
All of that is work on anongoing basis and it never stops
(37:16):
.
You do get to rest, but thenyou got to keep going.
Speaker 1 (37:22):
You do get to rest, and then you got to keep going.
I want to know more aboutMonique Talley.
I feel you were going to share.
Speaker 2 (37:36):
Yeah, really now.
Oh, you weren't.
No, I don't mind, I'm open.
Don't do that to me.
No, we have to be.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
Let me tell you now we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we,
we.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
weird, weird weird, weird, weird, weird, weird,
weird, weird.
I'm an open book and I'm hereto.
I'm here to share it all andjust lay it all out on the table
.
But okay, so let's rewind andtake it back to Monique Caines,
because that's my maiden name,right?
So Monique Caines was mmm I'majust be raw with it.
(38:16):
I was very self-centered, veryselfish, very all about me, and
I thought, right, that once Ibecame Monique Talley, that all
of that disappeared because mylast name is different.
Now, having done the work thatI did, I did enough work to
attract my husband and that wasit.
(38:36):
Like I'm married now I don'thave to do anything else.
I'm good, I'm healed, I did mywork.
So don't be coming to thistable asking me what I'm doing
because we married.
So I'm going to go that way,you go that way.
So that's Monique Cain who'snow transitioned into Monique
Talley.
(38:56):
We're still not Monique thecoach yet, right?
So Monique Talley, theentrepreneur, the wife.
She's going to restaurantsdaily by herself, she's dipping
and dabbling and shopping, andshe's having a little bit of
wine and just living a singlelife.
I'm a married woman, but I'mdoing all the single things.
(39:18):
Then, right, not asking myhusband if he wants a dinner.
Just, we marry what you want.
Ready, you got me, I'm theprize.
I'm the prize.
You got all this.
You should be happy.
(39:39):
I said I do.
What more do you want?
Just acting up All kind offoolery.
And it took a grown Boaz to saywait a minute, this is not what
marriage is supposed to be.
I don't have the blueprint andthe non-step roadmap for
(40:01):
marriage, but I do know thatit's not this.
This is a mess.
So we got to clean this up andI was so resistant Monique
Talley now is very resistant toany type of change, any type of
leadership, any type of guidance.
You're a man, men, don't tellwomen what to do.
You won't be telling me what todo.
(40:21):
Who talks to their husband likethat?
Excuse me, I'll be right back.
Speaker 1 (40:29):
You said this Terrible, terrible.
Speaker 2 (40:37):
And he had all the rights and all the evidence and
all the proof to pick up allthat stuff and walk on up out of
here and then at some point ofhim telling me, listen, this
needs to change, this needs tochange.
I said you know what I'm goingto take this leadership course
(40:59):
and when I'm done I'm going toleave him, because it's just
going to reveal how petty andnarcissistic he is.
Poochie in the air, pooch thewhole mess.
Speaker 1 (41:10):
Yes, no, ma'am.
Speaker 2 (41:18):
You took a course to prove that you were right yeah,
and he was wrong yes, that is,and the leadership course was
for you yes, okay, keep proceedand I jumped in that course like
I'm gonna take all thisinformation and give it to him
like right or attitude.
I was a mess nasty and in thatleadership course, when I had
(41:41):
this was the homework that I hadto ask my close friends and
family members how do I show up?
And when they gave me I waslike what?
I was befuddled and confused,didn't understand.
Oh, that's what he's talkingabout, okay, and then I those
(42:03):
walls started to break down andI started to understand.
One, I started to see hisperspective.
Two, I started to understandhow you're actually supposed to
treat somebody you're in arelationship with.
I had never seen a healthyrelationship ever from anyone in
(42:23):
my family.
I had no idea how it wassupposed to be.
I thought it was the housewives.
That was my example ofrelationships.
I am so serious.
Lives, that was my example ofrelationships.
I am so serious.
So now we're cultivating Moniquethe coach, and she's being
churned and she's being prunedand God done, sat her down
(42:44):
somewhere and said look at him,cut it out.
Cut it out, little Monique.
I was acting like a child.
I'm telling you all my businesstonight.
I was acting like a completeand total child.
I had asked for a Boaz.
I had asked for a grown manthat was going to love me
unconditionally, and when hecame, I had no idea how to let
(43:08):
him love me.
I had no idea how to follow hisright, and so I had done my all
, my nine step blueprint, all mysteps to get the husband, and
then, after that, we have anafter after party, because
there's more to talk about.
It's a lot more.
(43:29):
It's a lot more, yeah, so so wehave the three phases of
Monique Cain's, the singlemother, then Monique Talley, the
wife, and then Monique, thecoach.
There's a lot happening up inthere and that's soup, the
porridge, damn A gumbo.
Yes, yeah, a whole gumbo.
(43:52):
What?
Speaker 1 (43:55):
Yes, ma'am.
Ma'am you took a leadershipcourse.
Now, ha Ha ha.
You took a leadership courseand you're telling me that they
taught you how to serve.
I apologize, did I say that?
Did you crunch your pearls?
Yeah, yeah you took aleadership course and it taught
(44:19):
you, showed you, put you on thepath to be a servant absolutely.
Speaker 2 (44:28):
that's what they showed me, what true leadership
is.
True leadership is Trueleadership.
The ability to shift thetemperature in my home and in my
marriage.
That was leadership and that'swhat I learned, with the
(44:48):
intentions of proving my husbandwrong.
Who does that?
Who does that?
I had a whole agenda and goshturned me upside down and shook
me.
Speaker 1 (44:59):
And everything just fell out your pockets.
Everything.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
Even the lamp came on .
My Lord, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1 (45:14):
Okay, yes, ma'am, okay that you're right.
That is a whole another episode.
I don't even understand, okay,okay.
So how do you deal with, howhow can you help us to?
Because there's emotional,there's spiritual, there's
(45:34):
mental components that we allneed to address, to become, I
would say for me.
I always tell people I'mbecoming the wife for the
husband I designed right, so I'mworking with myself.
(45:57):
I can say so.
You were just vulnerable.
You just did that v word likenone other.
So I'll go ahead, I'll step andsay that you know, I, the
immaturity you mentionedimmaturity I can say that,
starting relationships, I didn'tknow what I was doing.
(46:18):
I literally.
So you said you started thatleadership class with the intent
of proving your husband wrong.
I started in relationships withthe intent of not living up to
(46:40):
what my grandfather said to meas I was a preteen.
I was coming down the steps andsome of you on Confident Youth,
some of the Confident Youthfamily, may have already heard
this, but I feel it bearsrepeating and my grandfather was
sitting in his chair in hisliving room in their home.
I was coming down the steps andhe said come here.
(47:00):
And I just was so honored.
I'm like my granddad wants totalk with me and, like he's not
at work, he's just sitting herechilling and you're telling me
to come here.
And I came and I rushed and Isat at his feet and it was, you
know, it was granddad sitting inhis big chair and I'm just
sitting there and I sat at hisfeet and he took a deep breath
(47:21):
and he looked at me and he saidyou fat and you black, ain't
nobody ever going to want you.
You'll lose that black ain'tnobody ever gonna want you.
You'll lose that.
Whoa I know for the first partof me being in relationships
(47:44):
into two, maybe three decades Iwas just vying for okay, you
said two things.
You said I'm Black and I'mBlack.
I can't change that.
(48:05):
I can't change that.
So I would look at colors.
I would look at myself as lessthan when people were of a
lighter hue, I thought they werepretty.
I didn't think I was pretty.
So that's a component of mystory I've never shared.
But what I did hear was I hadan opportunity if I could lose
(48:30):
the weight.
I was becoming a woman.
I had started picking up weight.
He was like, yeah, no, you'regoing to have to do something
about that.
He already let me know thisskin is not going anywhere.
This dark color that you haveis not going anywhere.
(48:51):
So I've always, in the beginning, I went with who said they
wanted me.
So that's why I felt it was sovital to bring you back and make
sure you went through thosenine steps.
And I thought it was soimportant for us to come back
(49:16):
and do this after party, wherewe went through the Ruth and
Boaz and how you get your Boazand that the real root of it is
you.
You're looking for something,and it's really you.
You're looking for somethingand it's really you.
I did not know that that's whatI was operating on.
(49:40):
I didn't know.
I didn't know.
I was like, okay, this personlikes me, so I'll hang out here.
Don't get me wrong.
I wasn't sleeping around witheverybody.
But I'm like, okay, well, I'llbe with you.
I was telling them no, I heldon to virginity for a long time.
(50:00):
I didn't let it go.
I got two kids out of wedlock,so we ain't going to talk about
that.
Speaker 2 (50:05):
That's not the part we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (50:09):
That's not the part we're discussing.
Discussing.
I'm just saying I wasn't, youknow, extremely promiscuous when
I started.
You know going that's myboyfriend, but it was to the
point that let me tell you howbad that first one that said he
was my boyfriend, listen, you'remy girl, like we together, but
(50:30):
don't tell nobody, because Iwant a body and not this hmm,
yeah, yeah, that's heavy right.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
So how, how long did that last, and what did you
learn from that?
Speaker 1 (50:55):
Four years and it wasn't because I gave up,
because I thought so much ofmyself until after things just
I'm like girls just started,like that girl, that girl, that
girl of crib, like that girl,that girl, that girl.
That's why you could wait untilI said I would, I would be
ready.
You could wait for years for meto do the thing you wanted me
(51:16):
to do.
You could wait because you wasout here with.
But then when I got to the nextone, I was like I'm going to
lose them if I don't.
Speaker 2 (51:31):
Right.
Speaker 1 (51:34):
And you do this as immature, in the immature stage
of life, in the immature seasonof life, but I feel like I'm
sharing this because I want totalk to those women that are
still doing this.
That's where I wanna end withthat, that discussion.
Speaker 2 (51:58):
You know, for a majority of us, we weren't
taught how to be human firstright.
We weren't taught anythingabout.
I want to speak for myself.
I wasn't taught about anythingabout boys other than what I saw
(52:18):
and my grandmother's house withall my uncles, my father's
brothers, and then anything thatI saw my mom go through with my
dad or my grandparents.
So I never in my family, never,was there a conversation about.
This is how you should be andthis is what you should do when
it comes to relationships.
(52:38):
And so now, as adult women 30something, 20 something, 30
something, 40 something, and andso on it's important for us to
take account, step one, reflectright on what we've been through
, what we've seen and what we'veexperienced In addition to
(53:00):
trauma, which we have to takebase on at some point, but in
addition to trauma and justbegin to do the work on those
things.
And that work looks like havinga therapist.
Because coaching is great, Iwould say hire me when you are
looking for a coach, but firsttalk to that therapist and heal
(53:21):
those childhood wounds.
Get all the books, Read all thebooks.
You have to do the work inorder to attract that spouse
that's going to take care of you, and that's going to when I say
take care of you, I don't meanmonetarily, but I mean as far as
being a safe space and allowingyou to be who you are and to
helping you heal and to help youaddress those traumas and
(53:42):
knowing your triggers and nottriggering you intentionally.
Right, so we have to do the workfor us.
We're talking about us, right,let's talk about us.
Yes, we have to do the work toheal ourselves before we can go
out there attracting and lookingfor anybody.
And it starts with you doingthe same way.
(54:04):
You get up and you shower andyou eat daily.
You have to remember to beintentional.
Be intentional about who youdesire to attract, Boom.
Speaker 1 (54:15):
Okay.
So being intentional about whoyou desire to attract starts
with.
Speaker 2 (54:22):
It starts with being intentional about who you are.
So it starts with you beingintentional about you know what.
When I asked my mom how do Ishow up for her, she told me
this, this and this, and Ididn't like that.
So let me find a book that canhelp me combat those things.
Let me find a scripture and sitand stand on his word and
(54:42):
meditate on the word of thatscripture, of that thing that I
don't like about myself, that Iwant to change.
And let me read all the booksand let me go to therapy.
It's a lot of work and it's alot of digging.
If you're 46 like me, you got46 years worth of digging to do.
It's a lot of work and itdoesn't stop and it's doable,
(55:03):
it's doable.
Speaker 1 (55:05):
And it doesn't stop and it's doable.
I love it and it does not stop.
We are forever learning.
That is what Confident here is.
It is here for the Confidentyou Network is for us to create
a community, a community wherewe share and just tell each
(55:27):
other different areas of lifeand business that we can grow
and be better in, and Iappreciate having you as part of
our family tree.
Thank you, monique the coach,for coming through.
Listen, good people.
If you want to work with theone and only Monique the coat,
(55:52):
listen first.
If you want to just see somelittle snippets of action, of
tidbits, of vital information,just some good.
Listen on this girl's socialmedia.
You're gonna laugh, laugh.
Why are you laughing?
You're laughing because you'renot telling the truth.
Speaker 2 (56:14):
I'll be trying to hold back my funny, but yes, go
ahead.
Speaker 1 (56:17):
You're going to laugh , you're going to enjoy yourself
, you're going to learn, you'regoing to grow, you're going to
glean and see how Ruth, moniqueand her Boaz Listen, darius,
don't play with me, sir, you'regonna come on here, I'm not
playing that you will see justthe love that they have for that
(56:40):
, that just follow her.
If you're looking to see whatlove looks like and how it
should sound, and just to hearthe inspiration of love at all
times, that is how you followher.
Listen, and if you go to herlink tree, you're going to be
able to access everything.
(57:01):
When I say everything, let metell you just a few.
I'll tell you just a few things.
Listen, you'll be able toaccess her book.
Did I say author?
Wait, listen, I don't think onthe episode I didn't say.
But if you've known theconfident you family, we know
who monique the coach is.
She is a life and love,relationship dating coach.
(57:24):
All things relationship, butlife, because everything you can
apply to a relationship you canapply to yourself.
As you apply to yourself, yourlife gets better.
I'm just saying so you can goand get that book, the love
magnet attraction formula.
Now, wait, go back and watchepisode 35 and you'll see her
(57:47):
top nine steps.
But then you want to get thisbook so you can dig real deep.
You can dig real deep and getto that attraction of love.
Listen, but that's not allyou're going to find there.
Tell the audience about thismagnetic woman roadmap challenge
(58:11):
.
Listen.
The title changed because whenshe started telling me the stuff
, I said boo, that's a challenge, you are challenging people.
So even when you go and watchepisode 35, you'll say that
wasn't the name, no.
But after she explained it Isaid, oh, you are challenging
ladies to be better, to do, dobetter, to get better, to have
(58:32):
better, to relate better.
Go ahead, I apologize, I'mexcited.
Speaker 2 (58:38):
Listen, in this Magnetic Woman Roadmap Challenge
, it is a challenge.
It is a challenge to push youto become your best self for you
first and foremost.
You to become your best selffor you first and foremost,
before we can attract anybody,we're going to learn how to
(58:59):
become our best selves in thischallenge.
So when you go to my link treeand you click I believe it's the
first button on the link treeyou click that and you sign the
Google form and then I'll get incontact with you and I'll put
you in that class.
The class is free of charge forDecember.
So fill out the paper, go tothe Google form, get in this
class.
It's going to be fire.
I only have the spots.
(59:19):
I only have the spots for sevenmore women.
I want to make sure it'sintimate and I'm able to answer
everybody's questions.
So come on and join me andlet's get this work done.
Let's do the work.
I am here to help you do thework.
You don't have to do it byyourself.
Speaker 1 (59:38):
Absolutely beautiful.
Listen.
I would encourage everyone whohears this, anyone who knows
someone who needs this sign upon her link tree and then you
can go on the waiting list forother times.
If December is not a good timefor you, sign up now to go on
(59:59):
the waiting list for the classesthat are coming.
But December she's doing a gift.
She's gifting this.
This is her gift to everyoneduring this holiday season.
I know it's Christmas.
What I say it is it's Christmas, so I'm not going to get on my
soapbox, listen.
(01:00:19):
So she is gifting to everyone,all the women, all the single
ladies, all the single ladies,this class and I would say you
definitely want to go over there.
Sign up and if you can't getinto December, don't worry.
She will put you on the waitinglist and make sure she reaches
out as the classes come back out.
(01:00:39):
Rotation, rotation, becauseyou're trying to help Wait your
mission.
You're trying to help how manywomen?
Speaker 2 (01:00:45):
Wait a minute.
A hundred.
There are 4.7 million singlemothers in the United States.
I just want to help.
A hundred thousand, a hundredthousand, that's all.
Speaker 1 (01:00:57):
So sign up so you can be one of the hundred thousand
women that she is on a missionto help my Lord.
I really do appreciate youcoming through, taking the time
to stay for the after the showis the after party.
I appreciate it.
(01:01:18):
Listen, y'all will be seeing alot more of Monique the coach.
I'm just saying your impact isvery is deeply felt.
Like I said, people werereaching out and I had to get
you back in here.
So I'm looking forward to doingother things.
I'm looking forward to sharingwhen you're going out and
(01:01:38):
speaking, because you gotspeaking engagements coming up.
I can't wait to share thatinformation.
You know, ladies, if you haveyour group, your book club and
things like that, you wantsomebody to come out and really
just have everybody in the roomget real, so they can get real
much better on the real side.
Yeah, this is who you want tohave coming, because she's an
(01:02:02):
author, she's a speaker, she's acoach.
Oh, my goodness, all the thingsthat you do.
Go ahead, keep going, keepgoing.
I'm a wife, I'm Keep going.
I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I'm asister.
Speaker 2 (01:02:12):
I'm a daughter.
I'm a sister, all of that Childof God, first and foremost, yes
, I love it.
Speaker 1 (01:02:19):
Child of the most high, my sister, I appreciate
you.
Thank you so much for yet againanswering the call.
I will be seeing you soon.
All right, everybody Listen,confident you.
I really do appreciate you guyssupporting this platform, where
(01:02:43):
we just are building a networkof confidence amongst ourselves,
confidence for us to be able toget better in areas that we
probably some, some of us,didn't even know.
I need to get better with that.
I need to get better with that.
That's some good information.
Oh, she helped me.
Now I don't have to go aroundand search and ask I can look on
here.
There's some.
I need some financial help.
(01:03:04):
Let me go through these episodeshere.
Let me hear this person okay,let me see what.
Okay, let me see what.
This next person and you'regonna be able to vet people and
go ahead and secure your coach.
But I'm telling you this herethis dating is not like.
She has to come back, becausedating is totally different.
We haven't even talked aboutjust the different aspects and
(01:03:25):
avenues of dating and how toreally how nowadays you are to
be putting yourself out there tobe able to be found.
(01:03:54):
She the greatness that she wasby greatness.
So that's all we're trying todo here at Confident Youth, all
right.
So please share this episodewith anybody you know that is
looking for somebody, or shouldbe.
Listen, you shouldn't becutting yourself off from
finding love.
(01:04:15):
So like, share, subscribe, hitthe notification bell.
Don't forget to follow us onInstagram and Facebook, at
Marion Swingler and at confidentyou underscore podcast.
Why underscore?
Because there is so much moreto come and if you or someone
(01:04:36):
you know is suffering at thehands of domestic violence,
please give them this number ortake this number and see how you
can, you know, begin to have aconversation.
You know, begin to have aconversation.
The number is 1-888-80-HELPS.
That's 43577.
That's Bethany House, who ishere to help the globe, all
(01:04:59):
around the world, with thosethat are suffering at the hands
of domestic violence.
We also have the NationalDomestic Violence Hotline,
1-800-799-safe 7233.
And see you in the next episode.
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