Have you ever felt like you're speaking, but your partner just isn't hearing you? Miss Monique, the relationship coach extraordinaire, joins us to unravel the art of communication that's more about understanding than replying. Our heartfelt discussion ventures into the realms of listening with intent, the magic of diverse thinking, and why true growth in marriage isn't about reaching a destination, but rather enjoying the continuous journey of discovery together. We peel back the layers of everyday marital quirks, such as the small frustrations that test our patience, and delve into the evolution of intimacy and how our past shapes our expectations.
In the cozy embrace of our latest episode, we share our personal narratives, shedding light on the transformative power of self-awareness and spiritual growth. Unearthing the profound truth that answers often lie within and in our connection to the divine, we explore how personal pitfalls, when met with discipline, can lead to a richer life experience. The conversation takes a turn towards recognizing and overcoming those subtle temptations that resonate with our lesser-known selves, highlighting the significance of conscious choices and the strength found in aligning with our core values.
As the sun casts its warm glow over MMU, we exchange morning greetings that capture the essence of our episode's spirit—every interaction, no matter how small, carries the weight of positivity and the potential to enrich our lives. With Miss Monique's wisdom leading the way, we invite you to a journey of love, life, and learning, reminding us to end each day with gratitude, just as we bid you goodnight at the close of another enriching session. Join us, and let's navigate the wondrous path of marriage and self-discovery together.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Right now, this is the after party.
It's the after party.
Listen, it's about to go down.
In the after party, after theepisode, I find that there are
even more discussions,conversations that get a little
deeper.
So I would like to have thatopportunity to have that
(00:20):
conversation with you, if youdon't mind.
Miss Monique the coach,absolutely, are you.
You say it again let's get spicy, let's get spicy, that's it,
that's it, that's it.
Wait, I got a question becauseyou said something and I want
you to give this first because Ithink it's so vital.
(00:42):
You kept referring to it.
You kept saying tools ofcommunication, tools of
communication.
Can you give us just a few ofthe tools that you should have?
But I don't want to just knowthe many.
(01:06):
I want to say first and foremostis the ability to listen to
what the person you're talkingto is, and not just your partner
.
But we're going to do yourchildren, we're going to do your
mama, your mom and them, listento what they're saying, and not
from a place of wanting to sayyour piece, but listen to embody
(01:30):
how they're feeling and whatthey're going through with their
perspective.
Right, so that listening torespond doesn't doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work in anyrelationship.
But listening to actuallyunderstand and feel and view
your partner, the person you'recommunicating with, their
(01:53):
perspective, how that made themfeel, allow them to be seen and
heard in your presence, heard inyour presence, that's the
biggest, that's the number onetool that can shift the dynamics
of any relationship, even ifyou don't agree, especially when
(02:18):
you don't agree, especiallywhen you don't agree, listen,
you don't have to agree, bequiet, button your lip.
They used to say that right.
Button your lip, literallybutton your lip and hush and let
them talk and let them feel andlet them be, and you don't
(02:38):
input how you're feeling, whatyou're thinking.
On that I'm going to Listening.
Can I speak on it?
Yes, please, listening.
So even in listening, I havefound that some people, the
definition that they have forlistening is all right, I'm
(02:59):
going to let you go ahead, butthe whole time you're talking
I'm going to think.
I'm thinking about what I'mabout to say.
How about the light you up?
How about to pull up somethingfrom the past?
Because I ain't let go of it?
But I keep saying I'm over it,but you keep bringing it up.
So are you over it?
Are you what is really going on.
So it's listening means thatyou're not thinking on your
(03:25):
thing, you're actually listeningto hear their thing and, like
you said, not to agree.
But can we at least come to anagreement to disagree and
determine how we're going tomove in this area?
(03:45):
Because right here we don'tagree, but we still gotta move
forward and that's okay.
You don't have to be on thesame page.
That that is the beauty of aconversation and a relationship.
A relationship does notnecessarily mean that we're
thinking the same.
I don't want somebody whothinks the same thing that I
(04:08):
think, because you can't grow me.
Iron sharpens iron.
Say that again.
You cannot grow me if you thinkthe way that I think.
I need you, yes, to think on adifferent level, whether that's
higher or wherever, it doesn'tmatter, just a different level,
because you're going to have adifferent input.
You're going to have adifferent level, whether that's
higher or wherever, it doesn'tmatter, just a different level,
because you're going to have adifferent input.
(04:28):
You're going to have adifferent perspective.
We're going to have aconversation, a dialect, a
dialogue, where we're back andforth about what's different.
We could all be looking at thesame show.
It could be five of us lookingat the same show.
There's going to be fivedifferent perspectives, yes, and
so I want my partner to thinkdifferently than me, because
(04:53):
that's going to push me in thedirection where I never saw
myself going, which is why I hadso much friction with my
husband in the beginning, thefirst five years, because he saw
me for who God, he saw me asGod sees me and he pushed me in
(05:20):
that direction and I took thatas him wanting to change me or
not being satisfied.
Why would you be, why would Iwant to be married to somebody
who's satisfied with me?
You should always want more foryour partner.
(05:41):
You know what I mean.
This meal was good, but let'skeep going.
Let's see what else we can do.
Let's explore.
Marriage is a journey.
Life is a journey.
Never do I want to go somewhereand be satisfied in that place.
I want to keep growing and keepgoing.
(06:05):
That's what I mean when I say Idon't want him to be satisfied.
I want him to always expectmore, because then that keeps me
growing and that keeps me on mytoes.
That keeps him from looking atsomebody else's door Hello, I'm
(06:25):
always going to have one of thecute pajamas Every time, every
time, every time, every time youknow a little?
No, maybe not, but for the mostpart I want him to be my eye
candy.
Yeah Right, I don't want to laydormant.
This is an ever-evolving thing.
(06:47):
A tree is always growing.
A plant, as beautiful as it is,a flower, is always growing.
Why can't my marriage be alwaysgrowing?
Wow, marriage always growing.
So would you consider marriageto be, dare I say, easy?
(07:09):
I almost said the word, Ialmost said the word.
No, childbirth is not easy andmarriage is the birth of a
relationship.
It is the birth of the twohuman beings combining
(07:30):
themselves as one, over and overand over again.
Marriage is not easy, and it isnot for one who thinks that
they're going to get married andthat's it no different than
having a child.
The childbirth is tumultuous,yes, but then it's not easy.
(07:52):
After that, every day, everyweek, every month, every year,
there's a new thing, andmarriage is identical to raising
a child, because you'rebirthing a relationship, and
it's always something.
Two human beings in one space.
Do two roommates get along?
(08:13):
Not all the time.
Two roommates with no intimacy,no commitment, they can't Right
.
When you add intimacy andcommitment and responsibility
for another human, in that wefighting, we fighting.
Give me the boxing gloves,because it's not physical
(08:37):
fighting.
You shouldn't.
You know.
It's just, it's not, it's abattle.
I got to deal with the noisesthat you make and the smells
that come from your body.
We're humans, so human bodieshave smells.
Whether we want to say that ornot, they do, they do, they do.
There's natural pheromones, andthen there's the things that
(08:57):
happen when you don't wash.
Oh my God, oh wow, and there'ssomebody right there up under
you, all the time, every day.
And that's the part of marriagethat people don't talk about.
I do not, I do not allow myhusband to lay on my pillow.
Do not lay on my pillow.
Do not lay your head on mypillow.
(09:21):
No, no, I said no.
I love you Until when, untilyou lay your sleeping, stinking
mouth on my pillow.
Don't do it, don't.
These are the things aboutmarriage that people don't talk
about.
Like, I love you and I willbrush your teeth, I will bathe
(09:41):
you, I will wash your feet, butdon't lay on my pillow.
That's my thing.
Everybody has, you know, that'smy thing.
I don't want to smell yoursleep.
No, oh, my goodness, so spicy,right, so okay.
(10:01):
So give me the top three thingsthat you feel are the most
challenging with marriage?
Now, I've never been married,but I've also had the sense to,
when I was different time, askedto say no, I knew it wasn't
sustainable.
Okay, so what are the top three, the top three things that you
(10:24):
feel are challenges In marriage?
I apologize, I didn't answerthe question.
I want to say number one Isallowing someone to be who they
are.
Like that's number one.
There is a person that doesn'tclose the bread, that doesn't
Close the refrigerator all theway, that pees on the toilets.
(10:47):
You know there are habits.
There's someone that walksaround the house in their socks
and then gets in the bed withthose house socks where that
could be grounds for dismissalright, but you have to allow
that person.
Grounds for dismissal, right,but you have to allow that
(11:07):
person to be who they are.
Because the same way you havethose deal breakers is the same
way when you pick your teeth.
He can't stand it.
You know, the same way, whenyou scratch your throat like you
know that noise you make whenyou scratch your throat that's
disgusting to him.
So you have to learn how tostep out of.
(11:32):
I can't stand when he does that.
That's none of your business.
It's none of your business like.
He's a human, so he's doinghuman things.
Human bodies do human things,right, right.
So you know who he's beinghuman things.
Human bodies do human things,right, right.
So you know who he's being likewith the refrigerator.
Does he love you?
(11:52):
Does he take care of you?
Is he tender?
Is he kind?
Is he gentle?
Does he bring you flowers?
Does he touch you?
Right, because my husbandtouched me in ways that no one
has ever touched a.
I can't.
Okay, we talking spicy, so Idon't want for another man to do
(12:17):
anything to me, with me and forme, but he fucking leaves the
refrigerator open.
What I'm going to do is put therefrigerator behind him.
Sometimes he leaves the doorunlocked and that used to
infuriate me.
If you are my protector and myprovider, how dare you leave the
(12:38):
gate open?
How dare you?
He's a human.
Sometimes he forgets, and sowhen he leaves the door unlocked
, I lock it and that's it.
I could be mad and I could filethe divorce.
Wait, divorce.
How many times you pull thoseup?
I got friends.
They be pulling them joints up,say like I want to say, at
(13:02):
least three or four times a yearfor five years.
So like 15, 16 times, likeoften, and put the pen, the
paper and wrote my name, likeI'm not doing this, I'm not
doing this, I'm not.
So how is it that you stilldoing this?
He heard me tearing up thepapers, he mad.
(13:25):
I'm still doing this because Irealize that he's a human being,
the same way that I'm human,and I want him to have grace and
be gentle with me.
But I don't have grace and I'mnot gentle with him.
But because he's a man, the manis the exterior, his interior.
He's a human, he has a heart,he has feelings, just like I do,
(13:49):
the same way.
So the same way I expect him tobe gentle with me is the same
way that I'm gentle with him.
So so give me another.
Another thing that you feel likeis a marriage challenge that
you found the answer for.
You said another thing that's amarriage challenge that you
(14:12):
found the answer for.
At least you're aware of it,you've worked on it, it's
something that you would share.
Okay, so here's the thing forme.
I don't know that this is thething in other marriages, but I
was very much approved when itcomes to intimacy, like you know
(14:33):
, like oh no, we're not doingthat, we don't.
No, thank you, we don't do that, we don't.
You want some here?
It is, have some.
And that that one missionary,we missionary, all day Praise
God.
No, you gotta be a little bit ofa freak nasty, my God you do.
(15:00):
If you are requiring a man tobe devoted to you and only you,
then you should provide all ofhis needs, the same way you want
him to provide all your needs.
Be a freak nasty for yourhusband, and it's nothing wrong
with that.
And I had to grow into thatbecause you know I was ego
(15:23):
tripping Like I've arrived andbeing your wife is enough.
That's all I gotta do.
I'm just, I'm your wife, Idon't gotta do nothing else.
Hello, you got me.
You got me.
Wait, I've arrived.
I don't understand who knewabout this destination.
You was going to.
Just you, only me.
(15:44):
I was the only one, just me, memyself and I, all three of us,
all three of y'all arrived atthe same time.
Or did somebody come to theparty late?
We all together at the sametime, and that should have been
enough for him.
I didn't think that it requiredcommunication, authenticness,
(16:06):
authenticity, vulnerability, allof those things Like why would
you need that?
I'm Monique and I'm hereBecause in the past, for those
thirsty fellows who were not,who did not know how to feed me
mind, body and soul they wereokay with the body and they were
(16:27):
so thirsty for that that thatwas enough.
So when I got married, I'm likeyou want what?
Like, why would you requiremore than just me?
What are you talking about?
I really didn't know what hewanted and I did not know how to
(16:49):
receive the love that he wastrying to give me.
So I was in a battle withmyself and him.
It was a whole war for him.
All three of us Did you read,read, or three of us did you
wait, wait?
(17:10):
Yeah, honey, did you wait?
Yeah, you was so okay.
So I can at least say fromeverything you said in the
episode that I understand thatyou didn't see an example of a
(17:32):
healthy marriage, right, so youdidn't have a blueprint to
follow.
No, so what did you thinkgrowing up, the way you grew up,
(17:52):
and then finally going okay,I'll take you, I'll go with you.
It's me and you, we're gonna dothis.
What were you thinking wasmarriage?
What was that supposed to looklike?
I thought that he was gonna paythe bills and I was going to
cook.
I made sure that he had hisfood when he came home, I made
(18:12):
sure his bowls were washed andyou know the house was
semi-clean, because that ain'tmy thing.
But we can talk about thatlater, right?
So I did all those things.
You better know you.
I did all those things, youbetter know you.
I did all those things and justbe quiet and pay the bills,
like what are we talking aboutme for?
(18:34):
Because no, we're not doingthat.
Like my grandma said, dare I saya little cuss word.
My grandmother used to say tomy grandfather oh, shut up nigga
, like that was her thing.
She just All the time that wasthe whole conversation Shut up
nigga, where she at.
(18:54):
You see her picture over here,right?
Uh-uh.
No, you gotta pick it up.
You gotta pick it up.
If you could please.
That's grandma and grandpa,come on here.
And then she used If you couldplease, that's grandma and
grandpa, come on here.
And I can see the strength inyou.
They come from church.
Yeah, I can see the strength inher.
Wait, they were together.
Yes, you see how far apart theysitting.
(19:15):
Yeah, my grandma and my grandpa.
Yes, ma'am Great grandmother?
Yeah, those were.
You know my parents, so to speak.
Yes, ma'am Great grandmother,yeah, those were.
You know my parents, so tospeak, because my mom worked
nights, as my sister says.
So we were with them all thetime.
(19:36):
Yeah, and to me, a marriage wasthe man pays all the bills and
he's quiet as long as he's fed.
What's the problem?
Don't have feelings, becauseyou told him to shut up.
Yes, he told me to shut up allthe time and he would just do it
(19:57):
, because that was theconversation.
People mumbled Under his breath, but I was little and I used to
be like Daddy James is what wecalled him.
Daddy James, you okay, oh, I'mjust your grandmother, always
under his breath, but never outloud.
So now here's my husband like,and I'm like you talking, you're
(20:25):
not supposed to talk, you'resupposed to pay the bills.
So the turbulence was him and hesaid who were you with that
allowed you to be this way?
Wait, hold on, hold on, becauseI'm about to fall out.
Did he say allowed, you Allowed?
(20:47):
And I was like the thing waslike that would have never
Allowed.
Well, what?
So it took me a minute tounderstand what he was saying
Allowed, not as in you're mychild, but as in Tolerated.
Tolerate, as in I'm yourpartner, you're not gonna
(21:17):
mistreat me.
So who let you mistreat themthe way you're doing?
Oh, baby, I was something elseand had you thinking that that
thing was all good, thinking itwas all great.
Nobody told me, nobody told sofor him to come through.
He was Jesus of Nazarethflipping my tables.
So for him to come through andstop my show and flip my table.
(21:43):
It was like who do you think youare?
Who do you think you are totell me that I'm wrong and how
and who I'm being?
But the fact is that I was veryinconsiderate and very selfish,
very.
And on top of that, I had a sonwho I was pruning and teaching
(22:11):
him how to not respect myhusband, right, right.
So at some point I expected himto leave because I was like I
wouldn't be here If I was youand you was me.
I would have left you, hold on,so you recognize your
(22:33):
sabotaging ways.
Mm-hmm, yes, and I said to himwhy are you still here?
Because I would have left if Iwas you.
What did he say?
And he said well, first of all,he said thank you for
recognizing.
Thank you, thank you foracknowledging that.
(22:53):
And he said I married you forbetter or worse, and we're going
to figure it out, honoring yourfriendship, because before
you're my husband, you've got tobe somebody's friend to know,
(23:17):
to know that they need you infriendship before love.
Well, I guess love comes firstintimacy.
You've got to love somebody Infriendship Before love.
Well, I guess love comes first,intimacy, intimacy.
You gotta love somebody A lot,a lot, right?
So I don't know, that's when Istart calling him my best friend
(23:40):
, like you are really.
You really are my best friend.
All right, whew, this is, oh myLord, what you got me, me here
doing an after party.
We supposed to be crying, nowyou got me crying in the after
party.
Spicy we, spicy I, just I.
(24:05):
How do you get through?
I heard a lot.
I heard heard you say a lot.
I heard I heard anger, I heardpain.
Yeah, I heard some dysfunction.
I heard some offense, sometrauma and some not self love.
(24:31):
How do you confront thosethings within yourself?
How do you face them?
How do you have a conversationwith your anger and your
disappointment and your traumaand your triggers?
(24:51):
It is a willingness, awillingness to be honest and
look at yourself and know thatyou're not where you used to be.
Cliche, right, but you're notwhere you want to be.
(25:16):
So it's a matter of I wassearching for answers and that's
what led me back to the 360,right, but I was searching for
answers.
So I took a self-help course, aleadership course, a how to be
a wife course, all of thosethings that you know, pointed
(25:37):
with hours.
You know, this is really withyou, or you can fix this, or you
can fix that, or you can dothat.
And then those things taught mehow to do things differently.
But then it wasn't until Ilooked inward, you know, to
recognize that I already have,I'm already the wife that I
(25:59):
desire to be.
So it was just, it's like arepeat, no different than you
shower, like, okay, I'm going toget up and shower.
Okay, intention, I'm going tobe a better wife, I'm going to
be, you know, a better mole, orwhat have you.
(26:20):
So it was just from gettingfrom there to here.
If I had to answer in one word,it would be intention,
intention, yeah, if I had toanswer in one word, it would be
intention, intention, that's theword intention, because to have
intentionality you have toconfront it, you have to face it
, you have to identify it andthen make that blueprint, make
(26:45):
that plan for how it's not goingto be the same, right?
So, with all of the classes andcourses, what would you say are
the most valuable things youlearned?
Well, you know, as I, as Ialready stated, I want to say I
(27:07):
already have everything that Ineed and to go within, I guess,
looking for answers on the other, there aren't any answers
outside of you, right?
And then going through all ofthat and having to come back 360
to realizing that God is Godand nothing and no one else can
(27:31):
be God.
I think that is the mostimportant value that I've
learned in my journey.
I went through all of thethings, I went high and low
under across, just to come backto God is God and there is no
other and that's it.
So the most important thingthat I've learned along my
(27:54):
journey is to go within and bestill, and that's not just a
Bible verse, that's literallywhen you sit still, you will
find the answers.
I always say that prayer isasking and meditation is
listening, and that is how youdevelop your relationship prayer
(28:18):
is asking and meditation islistening.
Yeah, I can see that, becauseto meditate, you need to calm
your breathing, calm yourthoughts.
Calm is the essential piece.
Centering yourself and justfocusing.
It's amazing because you getwhat to focus.
(28:43):
While you're clearingeverything out, it becomes clear
what you need to be focusing onand focusing about.
Wow, yeah, that seven-year-oldchild today who made that choice
.
What would you go back and tellher name?
(29:07):
What would you go back and tellher name?
You know, I would probably,although I wouldn't know what I
meant at the time.
I would probably tell her it isokay to be soft.
You don't have to be your ownprotector.
(29:29):
Let God protect you.
I spent a lot of years.
You know big shoulders or bigkicking the door, or even the
four four.
I would tell that little girlit's okay, sweetheart, like
God's got you.
I would tell that little girlit's okay to be hard, god's got
(29:52):
you, you can relax.
Hmm, wow, kicking the door,waving the poor floor.
All you heard.
Papa, don't hit me.
All you heard.
Papa don't hit me.
(30:12):
Listen, wait, papa, papa,father, father, father, were you
, are you okay?
Everything you're saying, it'slike all the dots are connecting
(30:32):
.
What's connecting for you rightnow?
Don't know.
Papa, father, just papa, father.
I spent a lot of time resistingand I didn't have to resisting
(30:53):
God, resisting in my marriage,resisting myself just a lot of
time.
I spent a lot of time inuncertainty, what they said,
where they was at for 40 days.
Yes, wandering in the was atfor 40 days.
Yes, wandering in thewilderness.
I spent 40 days and 40 nightswandering and I didn't have to.
(31:15):
All I had to do was trust God.
Can I console you with this?
You wouldn't know you had totrust him if you didn't go
through something.
You wouldn't even know that youhad to trust him.
(31:36):
It's odd to think I had to gothrough that.
Yeah, because look at what yougot out of it.
It didn't break you, it didn'tkill you.
It didn't kill you, it didn'tdestroy you.
The enemy was not able to kill,steal, destroy you.
(31:57):
You made your way back home,the prodigal daughter, and he
was waiting for you right thereall along.
Look at that.
Amen, yeah, yeah.
It's amazing.
(32:19):
I want people to not look attheir lives and think I wasted
this, I wasted that.
See the purpose in how God usedit for your good.
All of those things brought youto this point, sitting in that
chair right now in a home with aloving husband that you didn't
(32:42):
even like in terms of seeingtheir value.
In terms of seeing their valueRight, okay, that's crazy.
That's crazy.
He is a whole manifestation ofwhat I asked God for.
Yeah, god gave me what I askedfor because he loves me.
(33:07):
Come on here, what?
And the crazy thing is, I seehim when he walks in the room.
I see you, amazed all overagain.
Somebody else told me thatYou're so googly eyed.
Yeah, I'm so swoony every timeI see him.
(33:27):
There he is.
Every time, when it used to bedifferent, he used to be ugh,
there he is.
Why he gonna tell me I gotta dothat, why he want that.
(33:47):
He's like bark, like a dog,yeah, a big dog.
Jethro, what do you need?
What do you need?
My love, that is awesome.
I'm so elated for you.
(34:16):
I have.
I can honestly say I have notfound that or that has not found
me yet, but I'm good with itbecause I didn't stay in unsafe
places.
I didn't, I didn't choose.
There were times in my lifewhere I did and by unsafe I mean
saw my value in terms of what Icould do for them, not really
(34:39):
saw my value in terms of how canI edify and help build you.
It wasn't reciprocated you.
It wasn't reciprocated Right.
And that's the part that droveme on my journey.
I needed that reciprocation.
I needed to know that I couldpour my love and it will be
poured back into me, right.
(35:02):
So you will have that, yes, andit is so, and I'm willing to
wait and not compromise.
I'm fine, I am good, because Ijust look and I go, oh, you did.
You did what for lobster dinner?
(35:24):
I'm not, I want lobster Girl.
Yeah, ooh, you just clutch yourpearls.
I mean, daddy, did you clutchyour pearls and close your
sweater?
Ooh, I'm like, keep the cookiejar closed.
And that's one of my steps.
One of my steps is celibacy.
Yep, it is celibacy.
(35:45):
And because you are an outletand allowing somebody to plug
into you sucks your energy.
So don't be that nobody pluginto you.
Listen, in all the spirits.
No, no, no.
I mean you could be still in,no, but you could be still in,
(36:09):
not, no.
There's a lot of people'senergy on you.
When you're looking for who youwant, yeah, and then it's going
to be hard for who you want toeven see.
He can see you.
There's too many spiritsblocking the way.
It's like, hmm, and you're notgoing to see him?
No, you're not going to see himbecause you are allowing
(36:32):
different energies to enter youratmosphere and what happens is
it becomes diluted, yeah, or hebecomes diluted, so you don't
get to see him for who he iswhen you're mixing and mingling.
Yes, ma'am, yes, maling that,yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes,
ma'am.
Now, talking about spirits, Iwant to discuss, before we get
(36:57):
off here, I just want to discusswhat your perspective is on
this.
I believe that we wrestle notagainst flesh and blood, we
wrestle against principalities,powers, might, and those are all
just different spirits,different demonic spirits.
(37:18):
In all of the fighting thatyou've done, can you say, if you
look back, you feel like, wait,I've been fighting this.
It's been different people, butit's been the same.
The enemy been trying to attackme with the same Tom fool of it
.
Right, right, would you agreewith that?
(37:40):
I absolutely agree, and the gagis.
Here's the spin.
Those are all different partsof you.
Come on, you Shape, form orfashion, and that's why it's
appealing to you, because yourecognize it, right, whether you
(38:01):
say so or not.
Yes, these are all differentparts of even those that you
despise.
It's a thing, because if itdidn't offend you, if it wasn't
like you or wasn't familiar toyou, it wouldn't catch your eye,
right, it would not Right.
So that thing is familiar, yes,and that's why it is able to be
(38:26):
.
That's why they say he's ableto kill, steal and destroy,
because he is presentingsomething to you that is
familiar, something that's goingto catch your eye.
So, yes, agreed, yes, yes, yes.
So that's why it is important.
That's why know thyself isimportant.
Important because when you knowyou, the good, the bad and the
(38:50):
ugly, then you're able toidentify.
I know that I'm not going tothat party.
You think I'm stupid.
I see the trick.
I see the trick and I'm not atree.
Let me tell you here I go, howmuch time we got.
Let me see.
I said we was in here and wewas getting into it and I said,
(39:12):
blank, this, I'm going outside.
So I got dressed, I was realcute and I had these earrings on
.
I was cute, cute, right, and myhair was freshly twisted.
I had a little swoop.
I had on my fresh lipstick.
I'm going outside.
I went outside and we was inHarlem.
It's a block party over here.
I forget the street, but everyweek.
(39:34):
It's like a stoop concert,where they play on the
brownstone and the people comeout in droves.
When I went outside, every manin Harlem was outside.
Some of them had on shirts.
They didn't have no shirts,they was pencils, they was
muscles, they was chocolate,they was ice cream.
I said no Retreat, I'm goinghome.
(39:58):
I'm going home.
I'm not doing this with you,you, you or you.
I'm going home.
I, who, I'm going home.
I'm not who, who, I, I'm goinghome.
I'm not playing with none ofy'all.
I tell you I got out the Uber.
I got out, I went inside.
My friend was in a bar.
I went inside, I gave her a hug.
(40:19):
I looked around.
She said you want a drink.
I said I'm going home.
You're not going to have me outhere with all these men and I'm
having a drink and I'm goinghome.
So lately I wasn't outside forfive minutes and I turned around
and I got in the Uber and Iwent home.
I promise you.
So when I say that, I say thatto say the enemy be knowing,
(40:43):
yeah, they be knowing.
So he infiltrated, came up inhere and, you know, had us
combating or whatever.
I don't know who was at faultbecause I don't even know what
we were talking about.
And then I said I'm goingoutside because I thought it was
a good idea.
And I knew it wasn't a goodidea, but I got dressed anyway.
And when I went outside I saidthis is not for me.
(41:04):
I'm a married woman.
And now it could have been adifferent situation.
I could have stayed up becauseit looked fun, it looked very
fun, it looked lovely, it waslovely, and I went home because
it's lovelier with love at home,that part Lusty, there it is.
(41:25):
I can't do community profitRight.
That's a problem for me.
I'm going home, I know it'smine, I'm going to wake up to it
, be mad at it, but it's stillmine, it's my love.
I came back home and I got onhim.
I just said what is wrong withyou?
(41:48):
I was like nothing, nothing,yep.
So the enemy is slick.
Yes, he is slick, honey, andyou can't pull for it.
And the thing you're correct,because he uses the same tricks,
because we all have our ownpitfalls, we all have our own
(42:12):
snares, we all.
And and to know yourself and toknow your snares would stop a
whole lot of tom foolery.
I stay out of trouble.
Knowing myself, I'm like, ohwait, yeah, nah, let me change
the channel.
I'm out, I have to watchsomething else, or fast forward
(42:37):
or something, because I'm notplaying with you.
It's the little things.
If you stop the little things,it can't get big.
Right, right, it can't get.
Ooh, stop the little thingsthat can't get big.
You don't feed it, it won'tgrow.
Don't feed it, it won't grow.
Right, don't, don't, don't.
(43:00):
And you got to know yourself tostop To do things.
I feel as though I'm doingthings that are best for me.
They keep me sane Because, likeyou said, man, I be out there
busting heads.
I don't want to turn psycho.
(43:22):
I don't know why Somebody thinkthis TV show snapped is real.
Yes, it is.
You can look at my 11-mile inan instant.
You can just start and what itis?
You're flying on your emotions,right?
You're not thinking Right,because if you were, you would
(43:48):
think the consequences of whatyou now say Ooh, I would love to
pop them in my.
I'm not going over there anddoing that.
No, ma'am, number one, I hadkids to raise, but now I got a
granddaughter to get the worldready for, because the
generations are here, right,come on, it's too much.
(44:11):
If people thought about whatthey had to lose with their
actions.
If you thought about what youhad to lose before you did the
thing I have been standingplaces and Deuce was like yo,
she just walked away.
I was like yeah, nah, mm-mm,this ain't right, I ain't crazy,
goodbye.
(44:32):
And I don't have time to saygoodbye because if I say goodbye
, you gonna try and talk.
Nah, we good, we good, don'tworry, it's okay, it's okay.
And you can't possibly see myvalue because I see your wedding
ring.
What, what were you just saying?
(44:54):
I don't even have to ask youwhat you're saying.
I don't have to say youoffended me.
I don't have to say nothing.
There's nothing to discuss.
We don't have to argue.
I'm not getting mad withsomebody when I'm not trying to
solve nothing with you.
You don't deserve my anger.
No happiness, you don't haveany energy.
(45:17):
Right, right, right and right.
Man, listen, I just want you toknow I did hear when you said I
know I could sing.
I'm sorry.
You said what?
Now Wait a minute.
I'm sorry.
You thought I didn't catch that.
You thought I didn't catch that.
You be hearing that.
(45:38):
You be hearing everything.
You be hearing everything.
I don't.
I don't have a verse.
I don't have that verse.
I don't have that.
I'm not saying nothing right now.
I'm just saying we're going tohit a karaoke spot.
People, you will be seeing ifwe ever together, the karaoke
spot is going to be wherever wepull up.
(45:59):
Hello, and you better have yoursong ready.
I'm going to have my songbecause it's going to be good.
I'm going to have my song ready.
I'm having my song ready.
It's going to be good.
I'm going to have my song ready.
So wait, let me find out whatyou sing, because I know some
people sing jazz, some peoplesing classical, some people sing
gospel.
You R&B.
(46:20):
So if you had your choice, whatR&B song would have been yours
that you released Mine?
Yes.
What song out there thatsomebody have been yours that
you released Mine?
Yes.
What song out there thatsomebody did and you were like
shawty, I had done that?
Home is my go-to.
Stephanie Mills Home, that's mygo-to.
(46:42):
Why are you looking at me likethat?
That's my song and we're notsharing.
Not sharing.
You won't need to pick anotherone, okay?
So let me say anything.
Anita baker, you don't have topick another song.
But that's crazy that you wouldpick a home.
I always think nobody wants tohear it, so I don't do it.
(47:03):
I do it for me in the shower,right, right, that's my, that's
my go-to.
I kill it.
When I think of home, I thinkof a place when there's love and
love in my temple.
Come on, I was back when babyOkay, we gotta do this, we gotta
(47:30):
do this.
Okay, so that's our song.
We both gotta be ready.
You gonna take the verse, I'mgonna take the verse, you gonna
take the verse, I'm gonna takeit.
We gonna smash it.
Let's go, let's go.
Yes, so I appreciate you.
Coming to the after party, I'mtelling you, every time I have
one of these, it's justdifferent, it hits different, it
(47:52):
just the realness that comesout, the just the nudity of the
situation.
That happens, the nudity, wowof the situation just happens.
I appreciate you, I thank you.
I thank you for, in the episode, just sharing all the business
(48:16):
but then coming forth and givingup the biz here all the way to
the bedroom and the marriage.
I'm just saying I appreciateyou and sharing so that someone
else can be Wow, this wasamazing.
I appreciate you for thisplatform and as you are doing an
amazing you hello, you're doinga lot of work.
(48:36):
Voice coach.
Look at you, confident.
You.
Who would have thought thatvoice coach would turn into you
actually holding a platform forpeople to share their talking
voice?
Yeah, right, and being a vessel.
All things got, all things got.
(48:56):
Yeah, oh, this is amazing.
You are amazing.
This is come on, thank you, wow, thank you, thank you.
It's an honor to be used.
(49:17):
Like you, I thought it was justsinging, my gifting, my space
in the world was singing.
I didn't know.
He was like no, the voice, theentirety of the voice.
If they're writing, that'stheir voice.
They're thinking aboutthemselves.
That's their voice.
(49:37):
The person that talks to youabout you the most is you.
What are you saying to yourself?
You, it's your voice.
What are you saying to yourself?
So, whenever people bring lightto the contribution, I'm
(49:58):
humbled.
Most people go.
Why do you look down?
It's like I feel like God'stalking to me and I'm sitting at
his feet and I'm humbled.
I appreciate you for honoringWow so many years.
Be quiet, don't.
Nobody want to hear what yougot to say.
And now, look at, look at God.
(50:19):
Look at God, look at God.
All right, let's get out ofhere.
We can talk forever and ever,and ever and ever and ever and
ever we're going to have a goodtime.
I got to come to one of them,harlem block parties.
You stay inside and watch meand, with a rope on my neck, and
(50:43):
as soon as I saw you, what areyou doing?
Hey See, but nah, I used to bethat pit bull.
Well, not even used to be.
I am that pit bull that kind oftries to stop people from
falling into pitfalls, and theway you recognize when people
are about to fall in pitfalls isrecognizing when you're doing
(51:05):
it.
So I don't recognize from somehigh-seated place other than
when you're doing it.
I don't recognize from somehigh-seated place other in
Christ, that's it.
Other in Christ.
I'm walking down here witheverybody else and so I'm like,
yeah, I choose a different walk,though Trust and believe she a
bad girl.
I don't mean it in a bad way.
(51:27):
I'm just saying Don't trust me,brooklyn, right, but God tested
, I'm passing.
I don't want to, right, man,thank you so much, yeah, so I
(51:50):
thank you for being here with me.
The after party, like I say,it's a different party.
It's different, but it's aparty, it's a celebration of
life.
So I appreciate you sharingyours and I want you to have a
great night.
I'll see you what Tomorrowmorning in MMU.
You know where we're going to be.
Hello, good morning in MMU.
You know where we're going tobe.
Hello, good morning Nita.
Yes, all right, lady, you havea blessed one.
(52:14):
Thank you so much for coming.
You too, my dear, have a goodnight.
Bye, you too.
Right now, this is the after party.
It's the after party.
Listen, it's about to go down.
In the after party, after theepisode, I find that there are
even more discussions,conversations that get a little
deeper.
So I would like to have thatopportunity to have that
(00:20):
conversation with you, if youdon't mind.
Miss Monique the coach,absolutely, are you.
You say it again let's get spicy, let's get spicy, that's it,
that's it, that's it.
Wait, I got a question becauseyou said something and I want
you to give this first because Ithink it's so vital.
(00:42):
You kept referring to it.
You kept saying tools ofcommunication, tools of
communication.
Can you give us just a few ofthe tools that you should have?
But I don't want to just knowthe many.
(01:06):
I want to say first and foremostis the ability to listen to
what the person you're talkingto is, and not just your partner
.
But we're going to do yourchildren, we're going to do your
mama, your mom and them, listento what they're saying, and not
from a place of wanting to sayyour piece, but listen to embody
(01:30):
how they're feeling and whatthey're going through with their
perspective.
Right, so that listening torespond doesn't doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work in anyrelationship.
But listening to actuallyunderstand and feel and view
your partner, the person you'recommunicating with, their
(01:53):
perspective, how that made themfeel, allow them to be seen and
heard in your presence, heard inyour presence, that's the
biggest, that's the number onetool that can shift the dynamics
of any relationship, even ifyou don't agree, especially when
(02:18):
you don't agree, especiallywhen you don't agree, listen,
you don't have to agree, bequiet, button your lip.
They used to say that right.
Button your lip, literallybutton your lip and hush and let
them talk and let them feel andlet them be, and you don't
(02:38):
input how you're feeling, whatyou're thinking.
On that I'm going to Listening.
Can I speak on it?
Yes, please, listening.
So even in listening, I havefound that some people, the
definition that they have forlistening is all right, I'm
(02:59):
going to let you go ahead, butthe whole time you're talking
I'm going to think.
I'm thinking about what I'mabout to say.
How about the light you up?
How about to pull up somethingfrom the past?
Because I ain't let go of it?
But I keep saying I'm over it,but you keep bringing it up.
So are you over it?
Are you what is really going on.
So it's listening means thatyou're not thinking on your
(03:25):
thing, you're actually listeningto hear their thing and, like
you said, not to agree.
But can we at least come to anagreement to disagree and
determine how we're going tomove in this area?
(03:45):
Because right here we don'tagree, but we still gotta move
forward and that's okay.
You don't have to be on thesame page.
That that is the beauty of aconversation and a relationship.
A relationship does notnecessarily mean that we're
thinking the same.
I don't want somebody whothinks the same thing that I
(04:08):
think, because you can't grow me.
Iron sharpens iron.
Say that again.
You cannot grow me if you thinkthe way that I think.
I need you, yes, to think on adifferent level, whether that's
higher or wherever, it doesn'tmatter, just a different level,
because you're going to have adifferent input.
You're going to have adifferent level, whether that's
higher or wherever, it doesn'tmatter, just a different level,
because you're going to have adifferent input.
(04:28):
You're going to have adifferent perspective.
We're going to have aconversation, a dialect, a
dialogue, where we're back andforth about what's different.
We could all be looking at thesame show.
It could be five of us lookingat the same show.
There's going to be fivedifferent perspectives, yes, and
so I want my partner to thinkdifferently than me, because
(04:53):
that's going to push me in thedirection where I never saw
myself going, which is why I hadso much friction with my
husband in the beginning, thefirst five years, because he saw
me for who God, he saw me asGod sees me and he pushed me in
(05:20):
that direction and I took thatas him wanting to change me or
not being satisfied.
Why would you be, why would Iwant to be married to somebody
who's satisfied with me?
You should always want more foryour partner.
(05:41):
You know what I mean.
This meal was good, but let'skeep going.
Let's see what else we can do.
Let's explore.
Marriage is a journey.
Life is a journey.
Never do I want to go somewhereand be satisfied in that place.
I want to keep growing and keepgoing.
(06:05):
That's what I mean when I say Idon't want him to be satisfied.
I want him to always expectmore, because then that keeps me
growing and that keeps me on mytoes.
That keeps him from looking atsomebody else's door Hello, I'm
(06:25):
always going to have one of thecute pajamas Every time, every
time, every time, every time youknow a little?
No, maybe not, but for the mostpart I want him to be my eye
candy.
Yeah Right, I don't want to laydormant.
This is an ever-evolving thing.
(06:47):
A tree is always growing.
A plant, as beautiful as it is,a flower, is always growing.
Why can't my marriage be alwaysgrowing?
Wow, marriage always growing.
So would you consider marriageto be, dare I say, easy?
(07:09):
I almost said the word, Ialmost said the word.
No, childbirth is not easy andmarriage is the birth of a
relationship.
It is the birth of the twohuman beings combining
(07:30):
themselves as one, over and overand over again.
Marriage is not easy, and it isnot for one who thinks that
they're going to get married andthat's it no different than
having a child.
The childbirth is tumultuous,yes, but then it's not easy.
(07:52):
After that, every day, everyweek, every month, every year,
there's a new thing, andmarriage is identical to raising
a child, because you'rebirthing a relationship, and
it's always something.
Two human beings in one space.
Do two roommates get along?
(08:13):
Not all the time.
Two roommates with no intimacy,no commitment, they can't Right
.
When you add intimacy andcommitment and responsibility
for another human, in that wefighting, we fighting.
Give me the boxing gloves,because it's not physical
(08:37):
fighting.
You shouldn't.
You know.
It's just, it's not, it's abattle.
I got to deal with the noisesthat you make and the smells
that come from your body.
We're humans, so human bodieshave smells.
Whether we want to say that ornot, they do, they do, they do.
There's natural pheromones, andthen there's the things that
(08:57):
happen when you don't wash.
Oh my God, oh wow, and there'ssomebody right there up under
you, all the time, every day.
And that's the part of marriagethat people don't talk about.
I do not, I do not allow myhusband to lay on my pillow.
Do not lay on my pillow.
Do not lay your head on mypillow.
(09:21):
No, no, I said no.
I love you Until when, untilyou lay your sleeping, stinking
mouth on my pillow.
Don't do it, don't.
These are the things aboutmarriage that people don't talk
about.
Like, I love you and I willbrush your teeth, I will bathe
(09:41):
you, I will wash your feet, butdon't lay on my pillow.
That's my thing.
Everybody has, you know, that'smy thing.
I don't want to smell yoursleep.
No, oh, my goodness, so spicy,right, so okay.
(10:01):
So give me the top three thingsthat you feel are the most
challenging with marriage?
Now, I've never been married,but I've also had the sense to,
when I was different time, askedto say no, I knew it wasn't
sustainable.
Okay, so what are the top three, the top three things that you
(10:24):
feel are challenges In marriage?
I apologize, I didn't answerthe question.
I want to say number one Isallowing someone to be who they
are.
Like that's number one.
There is a person that doesn'tclose the bread, that doesn't
Close the refrigerator all theway, that pees on the toilets.
(10:47):
You know there are habits.
There's someone that walksaround the house in their socks
and then gets in the bed withthose house socks where that
could be grounds for dismissalright, but you have to allow
that person.
Grounds for dismissal, right,but you have to allow that
(11:07):
person to be who they are.
Because the same way you havethose deal breakers is the same
way when you pick your teeth.
He can't stand it.
You know, the same way, whenyou scratch your throat like you
know that noise you make whenyou scratch your throat that's
disgusting to him.
So you have to learn how tostep out of.
(11:32):
I can't stand when he does that.
That's none of your business.
It's none of your business like.
He's a human, so he's doinghuman things.
Human bodies do human things,right, right.
So you know who he's beinghuman things.
Human bodies do human things,right, right.
So you know who he's being likewith the refrigerator.
Does he love you?
(11:52):
Does he take care of you?
Is he tender?
Is he kind?
Is he gentle?
Does he bring you flowers?
Does he touch you?
Right, because my husbandtouched me in ways that no one
has ever touched a.
I can't.
Okay, we talking spicy, so Idon't want for another man to do
(12:17):
anything to me, with me and forme, but he fucking leaves the
refrigerator open.
What I'm going to do is put therefrigerator behind him.
Sometimes he leaves the doorunlocked and that used to
infuriate me.
If you are my protector and myprovider, how dare you leave the
(12:38):
gate open?
How dare you?
He's a human.
Sometimes he forgets, and sowhen he leaves the door unlocked
, I lock it and that's it.
I could be mad and I could filethe divorce.
Wait, divorce.
How many times you pull thoseup?
I got friends.
They be pulling them joints up,say like I want to say, at
(13:02):
least three or four times a yearfor five years.
So like 15, 16 times, likeoften, and put the pen, the
paper and wrote my name, likeI'm not doing this, I'm not
doing this, I'm not.
So how is it that you stilldoing this?
He heard me tearing up thepapers, he mad.
(13:25):
I'm still doing this because Irealize that he's a human being,
the same way that I'm human,and I want him to have grace and
be gentle with me.
But I don't have grace and I'mnot gentle with him.
But because he's a man, the manis the exterior, his interior.
He's a human, he has a heart,he has feelings, just like I do,
(13:49):
the same way.
So the same way I expect him tobe gentle with me is the same
way that I'm gentle with him.
So so give me another.
Another thing that you feel likeis a marriage challenge that
you found the answer for.
You said another thing that's amarriage challenge that you
(14:12):
found the answer for.
At least you're aware of it,you've worked on it, it's
something that you would share.
Okay, so here's the thing forme.
I don't know that this is thething in other marriages, but I
was very much approved when itcomes to intimacy, like you know
(14:33):
, like oh no, we're not doingthat, we don't.
No, thank you, we don't do that, we don't.
You want some here?
It is, have some.
And that that one missionary,we missionary, all day Praise
God.
No, you gotta be a little bit ofa freak nasty, my God you do.
(15:00):
If you are requiring a man tobe devoted to you and only you,
then you should provide all ofhis needs, the same way you want
him to provide all your needs.
Be a freak nasty for yourhusband, and it's nothing wrong
with that.
And I had to grow into thatbecause you know I was ego
(15:23):
tripping Like I've arrived andbeing your wife is enough.
That's all I gotta do.
I'm just, I'm your wife, Idon't gotta do nothing else.
Hello, you got me.
You got me.
Wait, I've arrived.
I don't understand who knewabout this destination.
You was going to.
Just you, only me.
(15:44):
I was the only one, just me, memyself and I, all three of us,
all three of y'all arrived atthe same time.
Or did somebody come to theparty late?
We all together at the sametime, and that should have been
enough for him.
I didn't think that it requiredcommunication, authenticness,
(16:06):
authenticity, vulnerability, allof those things Like why would
you need that?
I'm Monique and I'm hereBecause in the past, for those
thirsty fellows who were not,who did not know how to feed me
mind, body and soul they wereokay with the body and they were
(16:27):
so thirsty for that that thatwas enough.
So when I got married, I'm likeyou want what?
Like, why would you requiremore than just me?
What are you talking about?
I really didn't know what hewanted and I did not know how to
(16:49):
receive the love that he wastrying to give me.
So I was in a battle withmyself and him.
It was a whole war for him.
All three of us Did you read,read, or three of us did you
wait, wait?
(17:10):
Yeah, honey, did you wait?
Yeah, you was so okay.
So I can at least say fromeverything you said in the
episode that I understand thatyou didn't see an example of a
(17:32):
healthy marriage, right, so youdidn't have a blueprint to
follow.
No, so what did you thinkgrowing up, the way you grew up,
(17:52):
and then finally going okay,I'll take you, I'll go with you.
It's me and you, we're gonna dothis.
What were you thinking wasmarriage?
What was that supposed to looklike?
I thought that he was gonna paythe bills and I was going to
cook.
I made sure that he had hisfood when he came home, I made
(18:12):
sure his bowls were washed andyou know the house was
semi-clean, because that ain'tmy thing.
But we can talk about thatlater, right?
So I did all those things.
You better know you.
I did all those things, youbetter know you.
I did all those things and justbe quiet and pay the bills,
like what are we talking aboutme for?
(18:34):
Because no, we're not doingthat.
Like my grandma said, dare I saya little cuss word.
My grandmother used to say tomy grandfather oh, shut up nigga
, like that was her thing.
She just All the time that wasthe whole conversation Shut up
nigga, where she at.
(18:54):
You see her picture over here,right?
Uh-uh.
No, you gotta pick it up.
You gotta pick it up.
If you could please.
That's grandma and grandpa,come on here.
And then she used If you couldplease, that's grandma and
grandpa, come on here.
And I can see the strength inyou.
They come from church.
Yeah, I can see the strength inher.
Wait, they were together.
Yes, you see how far apart theysitting.
(19:15):
Yeah, my grandma and my grandpa.
Yes, ma'am Great grandmother?
Yeah, those were.
You know my parents, so to speak.
Yes, ma'am Great grandmother,yeah, those were.
You know my parents, so tospeak, because my mom worked
nights, as my sister says.
So we were with them all thetime.
(19:36):
Yeah, and to me, a marriage wasthe man pays all the bills and
he's quiet as long as he's fed.
What's the problem?
Don't have feelings, becauseyou told him to shut up.
Yes, he told me to shut up allthe time and he would just do it
(19:57):
, because that was theconversation.
People mumbled Under his breath, but I was little and I used to
be like Daddy James is what wecalled him.
Daddy James, you okay, oh, I'mjust your grandmother, always
under his breath, but never outloud.
So now here's my husband like,and I'm like you talking, you're
(20:25):
not supposed to talk, you'resupposed to pay the bills.
So the turbulence was him and hesaid who were you with that
allowed you to be this way?
Wait, hold on, hold on, becauseI'm about to fall out.
Did he say allowed, you Allowed?
(20:47):
And I was like the thing waslike that would have never
Allowed.
Well, what?
So it took me a minute tounderstand what he was saying
Allowed, not as in you're mychild, but as in Tolerated.
Tolerate, as in I'm yourpartner, you're not gonna
(21:17):
mistreat me.
So who let you mistreat themthe way you're doing?
Oh, baby, I was something elseand had you thinking that that
thing was all good, thinking itwas all great.
Nobody told me, nobody told sofor him to come through.
He was Jesus of Nazarethflipping my tables.
So for him to come through andstop my show and flip my table.
(21:43):
It was like who do you think youare?
Who do you think you are totell me that I'm wrong and how
and who I'm being?
But the fact is that I was veryinconsiderate and very selfish,
very.
And on top of that, I had a sonwho I was pruning and teaching
(22:11):
him how to not respect myhusband, right, right.
So at some point I expected himto leave because I was like I
wouldn't be here If I was youand you was me.
I would have left you, hold on,so you recognize your
(22:33):
sabotaging ways.
Mm-hmm, yes, and I said to himwhy are you still here?
Because I would have left if Iwas you.
What did he say?
And he said well, first of all,he said thank you for
recognizing.
Thank you, thank you foracknowledging that.
(22:53):
And he said I married you forbetter or worse, and we're going
to figure it out, honoring yourfriendship, because before
you're my husband, you've got tobe somebody's friend to know,
(23:17):
to know that they need you infriendship before love.
Well, I guess love comes firstintimacy.
You've got to love somebody Infriendship Before love.
Well, I guess love comes first,intimacy, intimacy.
You gotta love somebody A lot,a lot, right?
So I don't know, that's when Istart calling him my best friend
(23:40):
, like you are really.
You really are my best friend.
All right, whew, this is, oh myLord, what you got me, me here
doing an after party.
We supposed to be crying, nowyou got me crying in the after
party.
Spicy we, spicy I, just I.
(24:05):
How do you get through?
I heard a lot.
I heard heard you say a lot.
I heard I heard anger, I heardpain.
Yeah, I heard some dysfunction.
I heard some offense, sometrauma and some not self love.
(24:31):
How do you confront thosethings within yourself?
How do you face them?
How do you have a conversationwith your anger and your
disappointment and your traumaand your triggers?
(24:51):
It is a willingness, awillingness to be honest and
look at yourself and know thatyou're not where you used to be.
Cliche, right, but you're notwhere you want to be.
(25:16):
So it's a matter of I wassearching for answers and that's
what led me back to the 360,right, but I was searching for
answers.
So I took a self-help course, aleadership course, a how to be
a wife course, all of thosethings that you know, pointed
(25:37):
with hours.
You know, this is really withyou, or you can fix this, or you
can fix that, or you can dothat.
And then those things taught mehow to do things differently.
But then it wasn't until Ilooked inward, you know, to
recognize that I already have,I'm already the wife that I
(25:59):
desire to be.
So it was just, it's like arepeat, no different than you
shower, like, okay, I'm going toget up and shower.
Okay, intention, I'm going tobe a better wife, I'm going to
be, you know, a better mole, orwhat have you.
(26:20):
So it was just from gettingfrom there to here.
If I had to answer in one word,it would be intention,
intention, yeah, if I had toanswer in one word, it would be
intention, intention, that's theword intention, because to have
intentionality you have toconfront it, you have to face it
, you have to identify it andthen make that blueprint, make
(26:45):
that plan for how it's not goingto be the same, right?
So, with all of the classes andcourses, what would you say are
the most valuable things youlearned?
Well, you know, as I, as Ialready stated, I want to say I
(27:07):
already have everything that Ineed and to go within, I guess,
looking for answers on the other, there aren't any answers
outside of you, right?
And then going through all ofthat and having to come back 360
to realizing that God is Godand nothing and no one else can
(27:31):
be God.
I think that is the mostimportant value that I've
learned in my journey.
I went through all of thethings, I went high and low
under across, just to come backto God is God and there is no
other and that's it.
So the most important thingthat I've learned along my
(27:54):
journey is to go within and bestill, and that's not just a
Bible verse, that's literallywhen you sit still, you will
find the answers.
I always say that prayer isasking and meditation is
listening, and that is how youdevelop your relationship prayer
(28:18):
is asking and meditation islistening.
Yeah, I can see that, becauseto meditate, you need to calm
your breathing, calm yourthoughts.
Calm is the essential piece.
Centering yourself and justfocusing.
It's amazing because you getwhat to focus.
(28:43):
While you're clearingeverything out, it becomes clear
what you need to be focusing onand focusing about.
Wow, yeah, that seven-year-oldchild today who made that choice
.
What would you go back and tellher name?
(29:07):
What would you go back and tellher name?
You know, I would probably,although I wouldn't know what I
meant at the time.
I would probably tell her it isokay to be soft.
You don't have to be your ownprotector.
(29:29):
Let God protect you.
I spent a lot of years.
You know big shoulders or bigkicking the door, or even the
four four.
I would tell that little girlit's okay, sweetheart, like
God's got you.
I would tell that little girlit's okay to be hard, god's got
(29:52):
you, you can relax.
Hmm, wow, kicking the door,waving the poor floor.
All you heard.
Papa, don't hit me.
All you heard.
Papa don't hit me.
(30:12):
Listen, wait, papa, papa,father, father, father, were you
, are you okay?
Everything you're saying, it'slike all the dots are connecting
(30:32):
.
What's connecting for you rightnow?
Don't know.
Papa, father, just papa, father.
I spent a lot of time resistingand I didn't have to resisting
(30:53):
God, resisting in my marriage,resisting myself just a lot of
time.
I spent a lot of time inuncertainty, what they said,
where they was at for 40 days.
Yes, wandering in the was atfor 40 days.
Yes, wandering in thewilderness.
I spent 40 days and 40 nightswandering and I didn't have to.
(31:15):
All I had to do was trust God.
Can I console you with this?
You wouldn't know you had totrust him if you didn't go
through something.
You wouldn't even know that youhad to trust him.
(31:36):
It's odd to think I had to gothrough that.
Yeah, because look at what yougot out of it.
It didn't break you, it didn'tkill you.
It didn't kill you, it didn'tdestroy you.
The enemy was not able to kill,steal, destroy you.
(31:57):
You made your way back home,the prodigal daughter, and he
was waiting for you right thereall along.
Look at that.
Amen, yeah, yeah.
It's amazing.
(32:19):
I want people to not look attheir lives and think I wasted
this, I wasted that.
See the purpose in how God usedit for your good.
All of those things brought youto this point, sitting in that
chair right now in a home with aloving husband that you didn't
(32:42):
even like in terms of seeingtheir value.
In terms of seeing their valueRight, okay, that's crazy.
That's crazy.
He is a whole manifestation ofwhat I asked God for.
Yeah, god gave me what I askedfor because he loves me.
(33:07):
Come on here, what?
And the crazy thing is, I seehim when he walks in the room.
I see you, amazed all overagain.
Somebody else told me thatYou're so googly eyed.
Yeah, I'm so swoony every timeI see him.
(33:27):
There he is.
Every time, when it used to bedifferent, he used to be ugh,
there he is.
Why he gonna tell me I gotta dothat, why he want that.
(33:47):
He's like bark, like a dog,yeah, a big dog.
Jethro, what do you need?
What do you need?
My love, that is awesome.
I'm so elated for you.
(34:16):
I have.
I can honestly say I have notfound that or that has not found
me yet, but I'm good with itbecause I didn't stay in unsafe
places.
I didn't, I didn't choose.
There were times in my lifewhere I did and by unsafe I mean
saw my value in terms of what Icould do for them, not really
(34:39):
saw my value in terms of how canI edify and help build you.
It wasn't reciprocated you.
It wasn't reciprocated Right.
And that's the part that droveme on my journey.
I needed that reciprocation.
I needed to know that I couldpour my love and it will be
poured back into me, right.
(35:02):
So you will have that, yes, andit is so, and I'm willing to
wait and not compromise.
I'm fine, I am good, because Ijust look and I go, oh, you did.
You did what for lobster dinner?
(35:24):
I'm not, I want lobster Girl.
Yeah, ooh, you just clutch yourpearls.
I mean, daddy, did you clutchyour pearls and close your
sweater?
Ooh, I'm like, keep the cookiejar closed.
And that's one of my steps.
One of my steps is celibacy.
Yep, it is celibacy.
(35:45):
And because you are an outletand allowing somebody to plug
into you sucks your energy.
So don't be that nobody pluginto you.
Listen, in all the spirits.
No, no, no.
I mean you could be still in,no, but you could be still in,
(36:09):
not, no.
There's a lot of people'senergy on you.
When you're looking for who youwant, yeah, and then it's going
to be hard for who you want toeven see.
He can see you.
There's too many spiritsblocking the way.
It's like, hmm, and you're notgoing to see him?
No, you're not going to see himbecause you are allowing
(36:32):
different energies to enter youratmosphere and what happens is
it becomes diluted, yeah, or hebecomes diluted, so you don't
get to see him for who he iswhen you're mixing and mingling.
Yes, ma'am, yes, maling that,yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes,
ma'am.
Now, talking about spirits, Iwant to discuss, before we get
(36:57):
off here, I just want to discusswhat your perspective is on
this.
I believe that we wrestle notagainst flesh and blood, we
wrestle against principalities,powers, might, and those are all
just different spirits,different demonic spirits.
(37:18):
In all of the fighting thatyou've done, can you say, if you
look back, you feel like, wait,I've been fighting this.
It's been different people, butit's been the same.
The enemy been trying to attackme with the same Tom fool of it
.
Right, right, would you agreewith that?
(37:40):
I absolutely agree, and the gagis.
Here's the spin.
Those are all different partsof you.
Come on, you Shape, form orfashion, and that's why it's
appealing to you, because yourecognize it, right, whether you
(38:01):
say so or not.
Yes, these are all differentparts of even those that you
despise.
It's a thing, because if itdidn't offend you, if it wasn't
like you or wasn't familiar toyou, it wouldn't catch your eye,
right, it would not Right.
So that thing is familiar, yes,and that's why it is able to be
(38:26):
.
That's why they say he's ableto kill, steal and destroy,
because he is presentingsomething to you that is
familiar, something that's goingto catch your eye.
So, yes, agreed, yes, yes, yes.
So that's why it is important.
That's why know thyself isimportant.
Important because when you knowyou, the good, the bad and the
(38:50):
ugly, then you're able toidentify.
I know that I'm not going tothat party.
You think I'm stupid.
I see the trick.
I see the trick and I'm not atree.
Let me tell you here I go, howmuch time we got.
Let me see.
I said we was in here and wewas getting into it and I said,
(39:12):
blank, this, I'm going outside.
So I got dressed, I was realcute and I had these earrings on
.
I was cute, cute, right, and myhair was freshly twisted.
I had a little swoop.
I had on my fresh lipstick.
I'm going outside.
I went outside and we was inHarlem.
It's a block party over here.
I forget the street, but everyweek.
(39:34):
It's like a stoop concert,where they play on the
brownstone and the people comeout in droves.
When I went outside, every manin Harlem was outside.
Some of them had on shirts.
They didn't have no shirts,they was pencils, they was
muscles, they was chocolate,they was ice cream.
I said no Retreat, I'm goinghome.
(39:58):
I'm going home.
I'm not doing this with you,you, you or you.
I'm going home.
I, who, I'm going home.
I'm not who, who, I, I'm goinghome.
I'm not playing with none ofy'all.
I tell you I got out the Uber.
I got out, I went inside.
My friend was in a bar.
I went inside, I gave her a hug.
(40:19):
I looked around.
She said you want a drink.
I said I'm going home.
You're not going to have me outhere with all these men and I'm
having a drink and I'm goinghome.
So lately I wasn't outside forfive minutes and I turned around
and I got in the Uber and Iwent home.
I promise you.
So when I say that, I say thatto say the enemy be knowing,
(40:43):
yeah, they be knowing.
So he infiltrated, came up inhere and, you know, had us
combating or whatever.
I don't know who was at faultbecause I don't even know what
we were talking about.
And then I said I'm goingoutside because I thought it was
a good idea.
And I knew it wasn't a goodidea, but I got dressed anyway.
And when I went outside I saidthis is not for me.
(41:04):
I'm a married woman.
And now it could have been adifferent situation.
I could have stayed up becauseit looked fun, it looked very
fun, it looked lovely, it waslovely, and I went home because
it's lovelier with love at home,that part Lusty, there it is.
(41:25):
I can't do community profitRight.
That's a problem for me.
I'm going home, I know it'smine, I'm going to wake up to it
, be mad at it, but it's stillmine, it's my love.
I came back home and I got onhim.
I just said what is wrong withyou?
(41:48):
I was like nothing, nothing,yep.
So the enemy is slick.
Yes, he is slick, honey, andyou can't pull for it.
And the thing you're correct,because he uses the same tricks,
because we all have our ownpitfalls, we all have our own
(42:12):
snares, we all.
And and to know yourself and toknow your snares would stop a
whole lot of tom foolery.
I stay out of trouble.
Knowing myself, I'm like, ohwait, yeah, nah, let me change
the channel.
I'm out, I have to watchsomething else, or fast forward
(42:37):
or something, because I'm notplaying with you.
It's the little things.
If you stop the little things,it can't get big.
Right, right, it can't get.
Ooh, stop the little thingsthat can't get big.
You don't feed it, it won'tgrow.
Don't feed it, it won't grow.
Right, don't, don't, don't.
(43:00):
And you got to know yourself tostop To do things.
I feel as though I'm doingthings that are best for me.
They keep me sane Because, likeyou said, man, I be out there
busting heads.
I don't want to turn psycho.
(43:22):
I don't know why Somebody thinkthis TV show snapped is real.
Yes, it is.
You can look at my 11-mile inan instant.
You can just start and what itis?
You're flying on your emotions,right?
You're not thinking Right,because if you were, you would
(43:48):
think the consequences of whatyou now say Ooh, I would love to
pop them in my.
I'm not going over there anddoing that.
No, ma'am, number one, I hadkids to raise, but now I got a
granddaughter to get the worldready for, because the
generations are here, right,come on, it's too much.
(44:11):
If people thought about whatthey had to lose with their
actions.
If you thought about what youhad to lose before you did the
thing I have been standingplaces and Deuce was like yo,
she just walked away.
I was like yeah, nah, mm-mm,this ain't right, I ain't crazy,
goodbye.
(44:32):
And I don't have time to saygoodbye because if I say goodbye
, you gonna try and talk.
Nah, we good, we good, don'tworry, it's okay, it's okay.
And you can't possibly see myvalue because I see your wedding
ring.
What, what were you just saying?
(44:54):
I don't even have to ask youwhat you're saying.
I don't have to say youoffended me.
I don't have to say nothing.
There's nothing to discuss.
We don't have to argue.
I'm not getting mad withsomebody when I'm not trying to
solve nothing with you.
You don't deserve my anger.
No happiness, you don't haveany energy.
(45:17):
Right, right, right and right.
Man, listen, I just want you toknow I did hear when you said I
know I could sing.
I'm sorry.
You said what?
Now Wait a minute.
I'm sorry.
You thought I didn't catch that.
You thought I didn't catch that.
You be hearing that.
(45:38):
You be hearing everything.
You be hearing everything.
I don't.
I don't have a verse.
I don't have that verse.
I don't have that.
I'm not saying nothing right now.
I'm just saying we're going tohit a karaoke spot.
People, you will be seeing ifwe ever together, the karaoke
spot is going to be wherever wepull up.
(45:59):
Hello, and you better have yoursong ready.
I'm going to have my songbecause it's going to be good.
I'm going to have my song ready.
I'm having my song ready.
It's going to be good.
I'm going to have my song ready.
So wait, let me find out whatyou sing, because I know some
people sing jazz, some peoplesing classical, some people sing
gospel.
You R&B.
(46:20):
So if you had your choice, whatR&B song would have been yours
that you released Mine?
Yes.
What song out there thatsomebody have been yours that
you released Mine?
Yes.
What song out there thatsomebody did and you were like
shawty, I had done that?
Home is my go-to.
Stephanie Mills Home, that's mygo-to.
(46:42):
Why are you looking at me likethat?
That's my song and we're notsharing.
Not sharing.
You won't need to pick anotherone, okay?
So let me say anything.
Anita baker, you don't have topick another song.
But that's crazy that you wouldpick a home.
I always think nobody wants tohear it, so I don't do it.
(47:03):
I do it for me in the shower,right, right, that's my, that's
my go-to.
I kill it.
When I think of home, I thinkof a place when there's love and
love in my temple.
Come on, I was back when babyOkay, we gotta do this, we gotta
(47:30):
do this.
Okay, so that's our song.
We both gotta be ready.
You gonna take the verse, I'mgonna take the verse, you gonna
take the verse, I'm gonna takeit.
We gonna smash it.
Let's go, let's go.
Yes, so I appreciate you.
Coming to the after party, I'mtelling you, every time I have
one of these, it's justdifferent, it hits different, it
(47:52):
just the realness that comesout, the just the nudity of the
situation.
That happens, the nudity, wowof the situation just happens.
I appreciate you, I thank you.
I thank you for, in the episode, just sharing all the business
(48:16):
but then coming forth and givingup the biz here all the way to
the bedroom and the marriage.
I'm just saying I appreciateyou and sharing so that someone
else can be Wow, this wasamazing.
I appreciate you for thisplatform and as you are doing an
amazing you hello, you're doinga lot of work.
(48:36):
Voice coach.
Look at you, confident.
You.
Who would have thought thatvoice coach would turn into you
actually holding a platform forpeople to share their talking
voice?
Yeah, right, and being a vessel.
All things got, all things got.
(48:56):
Yeah, oh, this is amazing.
You are amazing.
This is come on, thank you, wow, thank you, thank you.
It's an honor to be used.
(49:17):
Like you, I thought it was justsinging, my gifting, my space
in the world was singing.
I didn't know.
He was like no, the voice, theentirety of the voice.
If they're writing, that'stheir voice.
They're thinking aboutthemselves.
That's their voice.
(49:37):
The person that talks to youabout you the most is you.
What are you saying to yourself?
You, it's your voice.
What are you saying to yourself?
So, whenever people bring lightto the contribution, I'm
(49:58):
humbled.
Most people go.
Why do you look down?
It's like I feel like God'stalking to me and I'm sitting at
his feet and I'm humbled.
I appreciate you for honoringWow so many years.
Be quiet, don't.
Nobody want to hear what yougot to say.
And now, look at, look at God.
(50:19):
Look at God, look at God.
All right, let's get out ofhere.
We can talk forever and ever,and ever and ever and ever and
ever we're going to have a goodtime.
I got to come to one of them,harlem block parties.
You stay inside and watch meand, with a rope on my neck, and
(50:43):
as soon as I saw you, what areyou doing?
Hey See, but nah, I used to bethat pit bull.
Well, not even used to be.
I am that pit bull that kind oftries to stop people from
falling into pitfalls, and theway you recognize when people
are about to fall in pitfalls isrecognizing when you're doing
(51:05):
it.
So I don't recognize from somehigh-seated place other than
when you're doing it.
I don't recognize from somehigh-seated place other in
Christ, that's it.
Other in Christ.
I'm walking down here witheverybody else and so I'm like,
yeah, I choose a different walk,though Trust and believe she a
bad girl.
I don't mean it in a bad way.
(51:27):
I'm just saying Don't trust me,brooklyn, right, but God tested
, I'm passing.
I don't want to, right, man,thank you so much, yeah, so I
(51:50):
thank you for being here with me.
The after party, like I say,it's a different party.
It's different, but it's aparty, it's a celebration of
life.
So I appreciate you sharingyours and I want you to have a
great night.
I'll see you what Tomorrowmorning in MMU.
You know where we're going to be.
Hello, good morning in MMU.
You know where we're going tobe.
Hello, good morning Nita.
Yes, all right, lady, you havea blessed one.
(52:14):
Thank you so much for coming.
You too, my dear, have a goodnight.
Bye, you too.
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The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
True Crime Tonight
If you eat, sleep, and breathe true crime, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT is serving up your nightly fix. Five nights a week, KT STUDIOS & iHEART RADIO invite listeners to pull up a seat for an unfiltered look at the biggest cases making headlines, celebrity scandals, and the trials everyone is watching. With a mix of expert analysis, hot takes, and listener call-ins, TRUE CRIME TONIGHT goes beyond the headlines to uncover the twists, turns, and unanswered questions that keep us all obsessed—because, at TRUE CRIME TONIGHT, there’s a seat for everyone. Whether breaking down crime scene forensics, scrutinizing serial killers, or debating the most binge-worthy true crime docs, True Crime Tonight is the fresh, fast-paced, and slightly addictive home for true crime lovers.