Have you ever felt the chains of fear shackle your potential, whispering 'you can't' with every attempt to break free? That's where Coach Kim Brown strides in, lighting the torch of self-belief to guide you through the darkness. In our transformative dialogue, Coach Kim, armed with her spiritual insights and the poetic imagery of Tanya Stokes' mural, teaches us to strip away the doubts and live a life that's soul-prospering. Her voice, a beacon of hope, navigates us through the murky waters of vulnerability, showing us how to anchor deep connections and emerge with unshakable confidence.
As we peeled back the layers of our discussion, it became clear that the path to unlocking our true selves is paved with patience, authentic communication, and community. It's not just about dismissing the naysayers masquerading as 'haters' but embracing the support systems that bolster our journey to greatness. Coach Kim's perspective reveals the tapestry of relationships and mental health, illustrating the intricate dance of trust and mutual growth. We celebrate the shifting tides towards openness in mental wellbeing, and the shared strength found in genuine friendships.
Imagine living a life where your self-worth shines as bright as the sun, undimmed by past shadows. That's the life Coach Kim Brown inspires us to claim as we wrap up our conversation on Confident You. She paints a picture where communication is our brush and relationships our canvas, urging us to speak, listen, and grow with our loved ones. Through personal reflections, including the poignant story of my mother's battle with depression, we underscore the essentiality of self-care and the power of surrounding ourselves with those who lift us higher. The message is clear: value yourself, foster positive connections, and watch your life transform into a masterpiece of self-worth and fulfillment.
CONNECT with Coach K at Your Kindred Konnection:
email - info@yourkindredkonnection.com
FOLLOW on Instagram:
@your_kindred_konnection
CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Mural Journey
2:19 - Mural Creation
6:18 - Why the Artist Was Chosen
7:28 - Hearing God's Message
11:50 - Dealing with Envy aka “Haters”
14:57 - Strategies to Overcome Negativity
18:27 - Finding Your Vision
21:27 - Deprogramming Yourself
24:14 - Power of Vulnerability
27:50 - Identifying Safe Spaces
32:34 - Mental Health Challenges
34:57 - Seeking Mental Health Support
38:39 - Setting Expectations
41:32 - Importance of Communication
45:50 - Addressing Questionable Actions
48:23 - Listening and Understanding
54:40 - Building Self-Worth
1:01:00 - Connecting
1:02:45 - Gratitude Closing Remarks
1:03:40 - Domestic Violence Resources
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP for yourself or someone you love.
HELP IS HERE:
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS
1-888-804-3577
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233
__________________________________________________________________
Follow Confident You Podcast:
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INSTAGRAM
@confidentyou_podcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, confident you.
I am Marian Swingler, your host, honored to have you back here
yet again.
If you are not a member of theConfident you community, please
make sure you like, share,subscribe and hit that
notification and follow us onInstagram and Facebook at Marian
(00:22):
Swingler and at confident youunderscore podcast.
And I'm so excited for tonight.
I am honored to have thisperson here with us.
Listen, if you have questionsabout life, questions about love
(00:42):
, questions about just everycomponent of the person, that's
who I have with us here tonight.
This person is is your kindredconnection, the one and only.
Kim Brown, or better known asCoach Kim.
(01:06):
Yes, how are you?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I am well.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
I love the introduction.
Now I first want, before we getinto Coach Kim and all her
amazingness, I just want toacknowledge the beautiful mural
behind her on that wall.
Listen, as you heard me say,tanya Stokes and her team over
(01:34):
at Compassionate Designs areamazing, and that mural is by
Tanya Stokes.
Listen, I just I need y'all tosee it.
I, you got to see it, you gottasee it.
So I've been saying I'm goingto get permission from her to be
able to unveil for you to seehow beautiful the entire mural
(01:59):
is.
And so drums, please.
Here we are.
Oh, my goodness, if you don'tknow Tanya's story, please go
back and watch episode 11 ofConfident you podcast.
Listen, everything is possibleand she tells her story and she
(02:21):
tells how she ended up doingthis mural.
But we're gonna hear from theperson who asked her to do it.
I'm excited about this storyhow it?
Because I know what she saidand I want everyone to go back
to episode 11 and hear that.
But I want to know how thisended up on your wall this ended
(02:48):
up on your wall, so it'sinteresting.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
You asked that question.
As you stated, tanya Stokes isan amazing artist.
She's creative in so manyrealms like.
She's just so diverse.
And I saw a painting that shehad done and the painting was
this Well, similar to this.
Actually, it's not, even thisis different from the painting,
but it was similar to this muraland I said I want the painting.
(03:09):
Well, she wouldn't give me thepainting, so I said, okay, well,
you won't give me the painting.
Then I want you to put it on mywall.
And she's like I've never donethat before.
I said, well, now you will have, because you're going to put it
on my wall.
Wow, she looked at me for alittle while like, huh, are you
serious?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm veryserious.
(03:30):
And she came and started puttingthe.
She thought about it and howshe would do it, and she came on
a regular basis and for her itended up being therapy as well,
because she got so engrossed inthe painting and I love the fact
that she didn't think she coulddo it at first.
(03:50):
It was like, but what?
I don't know.
I'm going ma'am, you are whoyou are.
Walk in that and that's what Ido.
That's my job these days is tohelp people walk in their path,
who they they are in theirspirit, down deep in their souls
, walking.
And that's exactly what she did,and I benefited from it because
I now have this beautiful muralon my wall which everyone's
(04:12):
like what are you going to dowhen you move?
It's going with me cutting outdrywall and I'm taking this with
me.
I'll put some new ones up there, but this thing just my baby.
Oh, by the way.
Way, and we got real creativewe put a little rose quartz dust
.
So this room right here, it'sthis one here, there's rose
quartz dust in the paint, sothere's a little love, no matter
(04:33):
what in this room.
There's always good love,energy here, so come on here.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
let me just show you guys this one more time.
Now let let me tell you Tanyawanted me to make sure that I
told you that this is arecreation of an original
painting by Justin Copeland.
We believe that to be theoriginal artist, justin Copeland
(05:00):
, and he's based out ofBaltimore, maryland.
So I just wanted everyone tosee I'm a person of my word, I
asked permission and this justfelt like the most apropos time
to share it.
It's absolutely amazing, butyou said something very, very
(05:21):
vital to why we're here today.
Very, very vital to why we'rehere today.
You say because that's what Ido.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Could you explain to the confident you tribe.
What is it?
I love the fact that the nameof your show is Confident you,
because that's what I love.
I love to encourage people andbuild confidence.
The question so many peoplehave is why me or I can't, or
the word can't should be, shouldnot be in our vocabulary.
It really shouldn't.
It should not be in ourvocabulary, and I believe that
(05:51):
we need to push past that.
There are times when there arethings that maybe we shouldn't
be doing and we need to beredirected Again.
That's where I come in Givingyou a different perspective,
opening your mind, to help youthink more broadly about the
situations you're in.
That's that's that's what I'mhere for.
I'm here to touch you on a soullevel so you really benefit in
(06:15):
this life and your soul prospers.
You know, the Bible tells usour souls should prosper, and
that's what I'm here to help usdo tells us our souls should
prosper, and that's what I'mhere to help us do.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
My Lord and you mentioned the Bible I want to
share with you, and so that isthe great book that I always
refer to when I tell a story orrelate to something that I've
read here on Confident you, andin the great book in Exodus, god
told Moses to go to Pharaoh,the king, and tell him to let my
(06:55):
people go.
Moses, shrunk back, said Ican't do that.
Moses, shrunk back, said Ican't do that I stutter that
word I, I, I not not.
(07:28):
How do you hear from God andknow that he has a calling for
you or it's just something thatnaturally comes to you?
But whenever you're asked to doit on the spot, in front of
someone, or even as Tanya did it, no one was there.
She was the only one in theroom, but it was just the fact
that it would be done, and thenpeople will be standing there,
(07:51):
so eventually it will be seen.
So it is in front of others.
So how do you help peoplemaneuver past, knowing that
their greatness within them butbeing afraid for it to be seen?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Well, it depends on the person in that situation,
but, in general, helping peoplesee themselves.
That's a lot of where we are isthat people don't really see
themselves.
We live in a world now that hasso much social media hype and
everything is fake.
Let's just be real.
You can make any and everythinglook like any and everything.
(08:22):
Now, ai is real.
That's the way the world lives.
But we need to look at who weare and what we can accomplish
as individuals.
Like you said, god told himMoses knew he could do it.
The reality is he knew he coulddo it, but he let fear.
False evidence appearing real,step in.
(08:45):
But then, when he moved, lookat what happened when he
listened.
But what helped him to listen?
What was he hearing?
What else was moving in him?
Holy Spirit.
God gave all of us every lastone of us Holy Spirit, and Holy
Spirit is what moves our giftsLike.
(09:07):
It helps us to manifest ourgifts into reality.
And when we start walking inthat spirit, your life will
change.
Your life will change becauseyou'll start doing things that
you had no clue about.
You're going well.
I don't even know how I gothere.
Why am I doing this?
It's Holy Spirit moving.
God's active force is moving inyour life and my goal is to
(09:30):
help you find that voice.
That is Holy Spirit talking toyou.
Because we tramp it down, welet society beat out of us, we
like a little donkey in the hole.
We get in that hole and theythrow dirt on us and then we
just shake it off and we startstomping it down underneath our
feet.
And what happens?
The more you pound that dirtunderneath you, you start to
(09:52):
rise, you get higher and higherand eventually you get out of
that hole.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Come on here.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
That's the goal.
That is, the goal is to pullourselves out of that hole.
And how are we going to do that, we?
To pull ourselves out of thathole.
And how are we going to do that?
We're going to open up.
We're going to talk about thosethings which, in the past,
we've been told oh, we shouldn'ttalk about those things, we
shouldn't tell everybody ourbusiness.
Now, that part is slightly true, but there's a level and
(10:18):
there's limits to these thingsthat we need to understand.
Everybody's not your friend.
That's just the reality.
But there are people who areset here on this earth to help
you and we need to be open tothose people.
Everybody's not here to do youwrong.
Unfortunately, our world hascreated a society that believes
that everyone is out to get you.
Now, cool, I'm here to changethat, to bust that myth, to show
(10:40):
that we can work together.
We don't have to be crabs in abarrel.
We can help each other.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
That's my goal.
Everybody's after you Expoundon that.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Everyone thinking that everybody is after you.
So we live in the haterationage.
If someone doesn't agree withyou, if someone doesn't like the
way you live or the things youdo, they hating on you.
Everything is hating on you.
No, we think so highly ofourselves.
There are seven point eightbillion people in this world.
(11:26):
Ok, we are a minuscule piece ofit, Don't get me wrong.
Our little piece can touch awhole lot, but we aren't doing
that much that people have tohate.
It's not hate.
Hate is such a strong word Likedo people really realize what
hate is?
Hate?
(11:46):
Hate is such a strong word Likedo people really realize what
hate is?
Hate is the demonstrated actionof absolute and utter dislike
and disagreement.
Like that is such to havehating your body is just painful
because the hating your bodyaffects you more than it affects
the person that you're hating.
Okay, so this we have to removethat mindset that people are
(12:07):
hating and just learn to live inwho we are and what we need to
be doing.
If we focus on what we'resupposed to be doing, we can
change so many things in theworld, but not just in the world
within ourselves, Like theimmediate change happens in us
and that affects, creates aripple effect throughout.
We start touching other peoplebecause we now see the value in
(12:27):
us.
When you value something, thinkabout that.
Think about.
Think about the cost of adiamond, Like when you just
pluck it out.
When you pluck it out of themind, it's not as valuable.
But when you start to pull awaythat coal piece and you start
crafting it and you startputting it in settings on, think
about how much more valuable itbecomes.
(12:48):
Like it's the value when youstart to really get in and dig
deep and clean it up, polish up,shine it, make it pretty.
That's when the value comes.
And we have to do that withourselves.
Got to get in there, dig outall that other ugly stuff.
Because the reality is we havegrown and we've been in a world
where we all have childhoodtrauma.
(13:09):
It's just the reality.
We all have trauma that we'vebeen through, Some larger than
others.
It's all different, but we allhave been conditioned and that
trauma is I don't really want touse the word trauma, but it is
trauma.
Trauma is I don't really wantto use the word trauma, but it
is trauma.
It's a conditioning that'shappened to us and our parents.
They know no better, so theydid the best that they could and
(13:34):
we've been conditioned from ourparents and we have to
decondition ourselves to be ableto do better for our next
generation.
It's just those things that wehave to work on.
It's a lot of work.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
But if we're willing to put in the work, oh, the
blessings that come behind that.
So great, so great, so greatare the blessings that come
behind that.
You were talking about hatersand people saying hate is such a
strong word and that peoplebelieve that they have haters.
What would you say if you'resaying that, no, you don't have
haters?
What would you say?
How should the person phrase it?
(14:14):
You have distractions.
Say it again.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
You have distractions , explain.
So they can only go so far,like this so-called hate, when
people give fuel to things likefuel to these feuds and these
fires.
They can only go so far if youcontinue to respond, if you
continue to react to it.
(14:38):
That reaction is what fuelsthem, which makes them keep
going.
But when you start focusing onyou and not worrying about them
or those people over there, letthose people over there stay
over there and you focus on you.
That's how you kill a hater,because they can say whatever
they want and you can keepshining right on.
(14:59):
Let them say, let them do youkeep going.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
That's how you kill haters.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
That's how you kill haters.
So it sounds as though whatyou're saying is comparison.
Yeah, it was not justcomparison, because comparison
is an evil thing in itself.
Because I'm a woman, I wantthat Coke bottle figure like all
these other folks got.
I want that Coke bottle figurelike all these other folks got.
But the reality is God createdus all uniquely, like I'm not
meant to have that Coke bottlefigure.
(15:31):
Maybe, maybe not, I don't know,but he created us all
differently and we're allbeautiful.
We're all just gorgeous, thethings we do.
If we compare ourselves andconstantly try to do what the
other people do, where will thisworld go?
Because there'll be nocreativity happening in the
(15:51):
world if we're always trying todo what someone else is doing.
That's what comparison does.
It forces you to try to be likesomeone else and do what
they're doing.
What is the joy in that?
In my house, we call ourselvesweirdos all the time.
But you know a weirdo actuallyweirdos all the time, but you
know what weirdo actually means?
Weird is the supernatural, thenot normal who wants to be
boring and normal.
Be supernatural, besupernatural, be weird, do
(16:14):
different stuff.
Why do we want to just be inthis world and be like everyone
else.
That's the wackest thing I'veheard.
We wouldn't have all thecreative genres of music we have
if everyone started just doingthis whole comparison thing.
We wouldn't be, we wouldn't beable to.
It stifles you.
(16:35):
When you start doing thiscomparison thing, it doesn't
grow you, it puts you inside ofa box.
You are you for a reason.
You have something to give inthis life.
For a reason, you're meant totouch somebody.
Your story is meant to be toldto somebody else.
(16:55):
Yes, it's a testimony.
For a reason You've beenthrough something.
It may be small, but that'ssomething someone else is going
through and you're put here totell them and help them through
that.
That's why we need to get outof this comparison box, because
when you start saying, oh well,such and such got this and I
want that, why do you want that?
(17:16):
What does it benefit you tohave that?
You're meant for something else.
You're meant for somethinggreater.
You're greater.
Why do you want to have whatother people have?
Let's kill it.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Kill it.
So you said you're greater,you're greater.
How do you help peoplecomprehend finding they're
greater?
Speaker 2 (17:38):
So that's a conversation.
That is a conversation to behad with people, because I want
to understand who you are first.
Like, what do you think ofyourself?
That's the first step is tofigure out what you think of
yourself, and do you have a lowvisual of yourself?
Like, is your self-esteem whereit needs to be?
(17:58):
That's the first step.
Can we get that in check?
Let's get that in check.
Let's understand.
Let's do a vibe check.
Get that in check.
Let's get that in check.
Let's understand.
Let's do a vibe check there,get that in place.
And then, where do you want togo?
What's your vision?
Do you have a vision?
Find that so many people don't.
And what do you?
You know the bible, so youalready know what happens when
you don't have vision whathappens, ma'am you oh, you lost.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
You don't know what's going on.
You, there's no, there's novision, the people perish.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
There's nothing exactly.
So we got to get people to havea vision of their own so that
they can grow, we can build, wecan do more.
It's so important that peoplehave a vision and we don't
people that that's that comparelike said, that comparison piece
.
Their vision is I want to belike so-and-so.
(18:47):
No, be like you.
What do you want?
Where do you want to go?
What do you want to do?
And my goal is to help you getto what you really want and help
you see how you can get there.
Like, how do you get there?
How do you craft that?
It looks different for everyone.
I'm not built like you.
I am not Marion Swindler.
(19:08):
Like you have your way, yourwalk, your walk is yours.
I'm Kim Brown, my walk is mine.
I have to.
I have to take the steps that Ineed to take.
I need to deprogram myself fromwhere I have come from and I
need to open my eyes up to seewhat's out there for me.
And when we start to, we got alot of onion layers here that we
(19:30):
have to peel through to get towhere we want to go.
And that's what we're supposedto do.
But see in our community I sayour community, african American
community we're not taught totalk about these things with
other people.
This is the stuff that we'retold to keep inside.
You can figure it out.
You'll figure it out yourself.
No, no, open your mouth, talkto other people, do what you
(19:59):
need to do, because the more wetry to hold things in and try to
do it ourselves, I've seen toomany people leave this earth far
too early because they were sobusy trying to do it themselves.
And do it all Not meant for usto live this life alone, doing
things by ourselves.
That's not what we're here for.
That's not how we're built, andwe have to get rid of it.
(20:20):
Kill it Again.
Kill it.
Another thing to be killed.
Kill it.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
You said kill it just now, but you said deprogram.
How do you move throughdeprogramming something that you
have been doing all your life,no matter how long that life is,
whether that's two years, 12years, 20 years, 40 years?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
oh, that's in, that's in its own self-process.
Again, that's the first step,is opening up and being willing.
And then the willingness isbeing able to be vulnerable with
yourself yourself.
First you have to, because wehave to be open and honest with
ourselves in here.
(21:04):
You know how you feel in yourheart.
You know what hurts you.
You know what you still harborresentment towards.
You know, but are you willingto admit that and in admitting
that, are you willing to moveforward from it?
Because the longer we hold on tothose things affected by what
(21:28):
we are holding on to, I can hateon you, I can dislike you, I
can do all those things withregards to you and you are not
touched.
It's all in me, it's all in myenergy.
My energy is the energy isaffected by that, my spirit, my
soul Killing myself and you justgoing on with life.
(21:49):
But we have to learn to acceptthose things.
Well, that was interesting.
We have to accept those thingsand then we have to be able to
let them go, like really let go.
That is a hard process.
I've walked through it myself.
(22:09):
Let go, that is a hard process.
I've walked through it myself.
It's a hard process.
To let go of hurt.
It's a hard process to let goof the fact that you've been
betrayed.
It's a hard process to let goof fear.
All those emotions exist insideof us and they're not easy to
let go of.
But we have to be willing andin that willingness, going back
(22:35):
to God because he's always therehe comes in and slowly but
surely he starts to say baby,let me wipe you off, let me give
you another little ease, let meslide you into this a little
bit more.
And it gets easier day by day,moment by moment.
It gets a little bit easierwhen we acknowledge it.
But if we don't take the stepsto just even start with
(22:58):
acknowledging it, we can't goany further.
I can't work with anyone whowon't even acknowledge it, who
won't open up about themselvesto themselves, because you can't
be real.
If you can't be real with you,who are you going't be real with
you?
Who you gonna be real?
Speaker 1 (23:11):
let's just, you gotta be real it really does sound
like you're talking about a keyword that I heard you mention
before in one of ourconversations.
Uh, and that word beingvulnerability.
Please share how you feel aboutthe, the importance of
vulnerability.
Oh, it's so important.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I mean all aspects of our lives.
Again, like I said, thatvulnerability is a story, your
story, your ability to justexist as you are, releasing fear
of judgment, because that'swhat hold, that's what holds us
from being vulnerable.
We're scared of being judged.
(23:52):
Our almighty is the only truejudge of us.
It's just real.
He's the only one that cantruly judge me, everyone else,
your opinion and it's.
You know, we all have opinions,just like we have some other
things.
I won't say that word here,though, but we do, and so we
(24:13):
have to get rid of that fearthat exists in being judged and
open up, because, again, beingvulnerable, it first benefits
you because you're you'reallowing yourself to be open and
expanding yourself, making roomfor things to come in when you
(24:33):
allow yourself to be vulnerable.
But then those things that comein, they can light you up and
bring so much more joy to you,and you just have no idea who
you can affect in the level ofvulnerability that you expose in
this world.
When you allow yourself to tellyour story, to open your mouth
(24:54):
to people, you have no idea whoyou may have just blessed,
because there's nothing newunder the sun.
I hate to use the cliche, butit's a reality.
There's nothing new and so manypeople are walking through the
exact same experiences but theythink they're all alone and by
themselves.
That's not real, becauseeveryone again that's that whole
(25:17):
comparison, living keeping upwith the Joneses, this Instagram
life you know, it's the socialmedia life that everything is
great, I got money in the bank.
No, that's not real.
That's not reality.
And we got to break that.
We got to break that and goback in and go back in and let
(25:41):
those tears go.
Let them go.
Stop holding them in, stopbeing this anger inside of us,
this sadness that exists in somany of us.
People have not even people havelost family members and things,
and they won't even grievebecause they're scared.
It looks like weakness.
Come on now.
(26:01):
Your mama passed and you gottawalk around.
Like you, everything is no.
That's your mother, that's your, your heart.
Baby, let that out.
Let that out, because if youdon't let it out in the proper
manner, I promise you it's goingto come out in a way that you
don't want to see.
You don't want to see whatit'll do to you.
That's where we, that's wherewe get our people who have
(26:22):
depression.
That's where we get our peoplewho have anxiety.
That's where we get our peoplewho are committing suicide
because they don't know how tolet it out, and that stuff is
eating them up.
All because of that one wordvulnerability.
Be vulnerable, let it go.
Just show others who you trulyare inside.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
It's okay, it's okay now you said earlier you can't
share everything with everyone,so how can we help people
identify safe spaces?
We always say go to a safespace, go to a safe space.
(27:04):
What does a safe?
You have friends, so why do doyou the people that you consider
a safe space to be vulnerable?
What characteristics do theyhave versus someone you're you
would pass right, Like I'm nottelling that person anything?
What characteristics do theyhave?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
So my little friend circle, as I call it, my COVID
pod.
We were together before COVID,but COVID, just kind of like,
put us in this really tightlittle bubble together.
We they exhibit thecharacteristics of trust.
They're trustworthy, they'rehonest, they're very real and
(27:47):
they're tested.
And that's what we fail to dowith friendships.
These days we're very quick tocall someone a friend.
Facebook royally screwed uswith this friend thing.
Everybody is not your friend.
I had to teach my youngest thatone.
Everybody you meet is not yourfriend.
They can be an associate.
(28:08):
What does tested mean?
So I'm going to give you thatone.
So tested means that I've spenttime with you, I've talked to
you, I'm hearing who you are.
But that's the key Listening topeople.
People will tell you who theyare very easily, because when
you meet someone, the firstperson you meet is the
representative.
(28:28):
Whether it's a male or femalethat you're meeting, the first
person you meet is arepresentative.
Give them time, becauseeveryone will tell you who they
are over time.
Take your time.
If they're a true friend,they're going to be there and
things will start to show.
Little by little, that littleyarn will start to unravel and
(28:48):
you'll see signs of whether ornot.
You can trust this person withyour heart and that's a friend
or lover.
They will show you if you cantrust them with your heart.
What are good signs to look forwhen you're dealing with that?
Let's say, in a relationship, ifthe person can't even have a
direct conversation with youafter three or four weeks, if
(29:13):
they can't just have aconversation with you, question
them.
Why are we doing this?
If I can't even just have aconversation with you one on one
, if all you can do is text me,why can't you talk to me?
Question it.
I'm not saying they're bad, butquestion it.
Question everything.
I like Obama's little thingTrust, but verify.
(29:38):
Trust people.
You can give people the benefitof the doubt in the beginning,
but don't give out all yoursecrets in the beginning.
There's no reason for anyone toknow all of your secrets.
I'm not telling you to be false.
I'm telling you to haveconversations with people so
that you can understand theirmotives, because friendships are
(29:59):
based upon motives.
My friends are my friendsbecause we know that we benefit
each other.
We grow each other.
Like they stretch me.
These women are amazing.
I'm not going to lie.
Sometimes I get a littlenervous.
I'm like dang, y'all got a lotgoing on.
And then they have to come backto me and I've said it to them
(30:20):
and that's the thing about thevulnerability.
I can say that to them and theycan come back to me and say,
honey, you belong here Becausesee, if you weren't here, where
would you be?
What would you be doing?
We're growing each other, we'repushing each other, and if your
friendships don't grow you andsend you in a better direction,
(30:40):
question the friendship,question whether or not you
should be around these people.
People need to prove.
People need to prove themselvesto you like that's just a
reality.
People need to prove themselves.
It's just not.
We don't want to give ourselvesaway to just anyone.
That's in a physical sense,emotional sense, in a spiritual
(31:04):
sense.
We don't want to give ourselvesaway.
Even God says to test him andhe says that.
So if God, our heavenly father,is asking us to test a man, why
would we test man?
To see who you really are, howyou really plan on living?
Like we really need to do moreof that.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Change a lot of relationships, change a lot of
marriages.
It'll change a lot ofrelationships, change a lot of
marriages.
It'll change a lot of families.
You were mentioning our people.
We have an issue with beingvulnerable.
I've seen even with SimoneBiles coming out with mental
(31:48):
health in the Olympics, you know, just stepping back, going
listen, something's not rightand I can't move forward.
And the support that thecountry showed her I thought was
amazing, Absolutely beautiful.
It's sad that I thought it wasamazing, but it just I didn't
(32:09):
know how it was going to go.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
You know, right now there is a true movement for
mental health, mental health andwell-being in the workplace and
the family, everywhere.
Even the Surgeon General'sframework right now is looking
at mental health and well-beinglike we need it's, it's, it's
the next epidemic, so to speak,our mental health.
It's the next epidemic, so tospeak, our mental health.
How is it?
I don't want to misquote thestatistic, but there's a large
(32:33):
statistic that says so many andso many people are exhibiting
some mental health disabilityLike.
The reality is, we all have amental health disability in some
shape, fashion or form, whetheror not we want to own up to it.
That's a different story, butwe all are, and especially
coming out of this pandemic.
(32:54):
It reveals so much becausepeople lost that community.
They lost that opportunity togo and find places to hide out
so they didn't have to deal withtheir mental health issues.
Right, and we need to open up,as, as the community, we need to
be open to talking to people.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
I know.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
Our parents always told us you keep your business
in your house.
That was the reality.
That's how we grew up.
Don't tell nobody what's goingon in this house, that's right.
You don't tell all yourbusiness, that's just.
That's no matter what community, all your business doesn't
belong in the streets.
But you don't feel likesomething is right inside of you
(33:31):
.
You need to go seek some help,because we aren't meant to walk
this walk alone.
We're meant to walk with people, and that's what coaches,
therapists and counselors andpsychologists are here for to
give you a place to go, to havesomeone to walk it out with you.
That's what they're here for,and we need to speak it more
often.
(33:52):
We don't again the nextpandemic we don't get under
control.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
We need to talk about mental health more in our
community yes, I really do thinkthat, uh, mental health moved
to the forefront during thepandemic um, because we couldn't
run and hide say it again wecouldn't run and hide during the
pandemic.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
We couldn't run on the streets and keep ourselves
busy doing this, doing that outhere and there.
There was nowhere to go.
You had to sit with yourself.
Do you know how many peoplejust could not handle sitting
with their self, could nothandle the thoughts going
through their own head, thatvoice that exists in there, that
id, that thing that wants tosatisfy our self-pleasures?
(34:38):
They could not handle thatbecause they did not have the
tools that they needed.
They didn't know how to reachout to people, to the right
people.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
It's crazy.
Yeah, it was the same thing Ifeel with parent to children.
They didn't know how to dealwith.
Wait, you want me to sit herewith them?
It was the same thing as far asmarriages, domestic violence
raised so high because you juststayed in each other's space.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
And that's where that testing piece comes in.
How many of those marriageswere tested before the pandemic?
How many of those were justreal time with each other?
Like real time, sitting,talking, just being with each
other.
How is it that you can't standto be in a room or in a house.
Because these people are inhouses, not necessarily having
(35:38):
to stay in the same room all thetime.
You just can't stand being inthe house with your spouse.
That's the person you promiseto love, cherish, honor, care
for until death, do you part,and you can't even stand being
in the house with them.
Why would you make those typeof promises if you can't even
stand to be around them at all?
What do you really know about aperson if you can't stand to be
(36:01):
around them?
That is the complication withthe relationships.
Now, that is a complication.
People don't say.
Let me not say don't.
People haven't.
I'm not going to say that theyaren't doing it now, because I'm
starting to see more of it.
Actually, I'm starting to seemore people really take that
time to understand wait, who areyou?
Where are you going?
What do you want?
Are we on the same page?
I'm seeing more of that comeabout now, which I love.
(36:23):
I think that's a beautifulthing More conversations, more
time spent together.
I think that is the best thinggoing.
But during the pandemic peoplebeforehand you know it was oh,
you cute, you sexy, you gotmoney.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
We were doing all of that and we weren't looking at
the substance that people aremade of.
So there is that surface thatyou're talking about, that
substance and where do youadvise people to look?
Speaker 2 (36:54):
At the soul.
Where are your priorities?
Where is this person'spriorities?
What is the relationship likewith their family?
Why?
And then ask the question whyis the relationship like that
with their family?
Because not everyone has agreat relationship with the
family, but there's always areason.
You need to understand thosereasons and you need to
understand is that somethingthat you can deal with?
(37:15):
Because those same traits thatthey exhibited with their family
they're going to trickle overinto your relationship.
So you need to think aboutthose things as you begin to
move forward and progress inthis relationship, because they
all affect what you will have asan outcome.
Don't, don't gloss over it.
Oh, it'll get bad.
Oh, he'll be all right.
No, honey, honey, honey, let metell you no, he won't, he's
(37:40):
just gonna be worse but thenwait, because I was gonna say
but what did you say to thegentleman?
Speaker 1 (37:49):
and that's the situation that they're having so
.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
So as as men who are dealing oh god, I just literally
was having this conversationwith someone the other day set
expectations.
I know people are like, oh,don't, don't try to manage my
expectations.
But no, we should be looking atwhat is expected of us.
We have people now who aremoving in with each other and
(38:14):
they're living the good life andthey're like there's no
conversation.
There's no conversation aboutwhat it is to live the good life
long-term.
So I have a house.
I bought my house.
This is the mail.
I bought my house, I paid themortgage.
I tell you, okay, you know what,you can move in.
But then you don't talk to meabout spending money.
(38:41):
I don't know what your billsare.
I don't know what you'respending.
I don't know how you're goingto pay bills.
None of that is ever discussed.
That creates tension.
That creates tension in itself.
I don't know if I like the wayyou want to live.
I don't know if I like the wayyou want to put your clothes on
my chairs or any of the above.
Let's have those conversations.
Again.
(39:02):
That's a vulnerable piecebecause a lot of people don't
want to have those conversationsbecause they're scared of where
they're going to go no, go outto dinner in a neutral place and
have real conversations withpeople.
I saw a wonderful little reelthe other day and it was so cute
, I just loved it.
I had no choice but to love it.
The couple was in there andthey were like well, businesses
have board meetings,relationships should too.
(39:24):
I 100 percent agree that everyrelationship should have a board
meeting on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
So what is the top five topics that you believe
should be discussed?
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Marriage, finances, living arrangements, kids, sex
yes, all of sex needs to bediscussed.
What you will and won't do, andyour past, because I need to
(39:59):
know where you came from so Ican understand where we're going
.
Those are the things that youneed to really think about
before you start saying, oh, I'mgoing to go be with Pookie over
there because he got all it is.
No, get that stuff straightfirst, then y'all can go live
happily ever after.
If you don't get those thingsstraight and you don't have
clarity, you're heading forproblems.
You're heading for situationsthat are not beneficial for
(40:22):
anyone.
Don't, don't, don't, don't godown that path.
That's because that path leadsto death, destruction and
divorce death, destruction anddivorce.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
So how do you coach k , help people to not get to
death and destruct, let's saydestruction destruction.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
I said it that way for a reason death, destruction
and divorce.
So it's death to you, notphysically, but to your spirit,
because that's the first thingthat dies in a relationship is
your spirit.
Ah, destruction, destruction,because it tears up your life.
(41:05):
It tears up your life, it tearsup everything you're going.
That's happening.
It starts touching your career,it starts touching your kids.
All of that starts getting hitand divorce.
That's the final straw.
That in itself is devastatingand you don't want to get there.
So, yes, let's do what we can toavoid those things.
(41:26):
How do we avoid those things?
We have the conversations thatwe need to have.
That is a big piece.
Communication, communication isnot a bad word, and people
don't understand whatcommunication really is.
It's not not just oh, I talk,do you listen?
Do you hear what people aresaying to you?
Now here's a way to really knowthat someone is saying can you
(41:46):
tell me what I said?
Tell me what you think I said.
That's a question you need toask everyone who you have a
conversation with.
Tell me what you think I said,because people's perception of
what you're saying to them isnot necessarily what you're
actually trying to get across.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
So be clear on what you're saying to people.
My Lord, there's something inthat recap, recap.
Say that back, tell me no, no,no, no.
I'm saying there is somethingin that recap, like you just
said, to repeat that, toliterally lean into somebody and
say that back to me.
What did I just say?
Yes, that's a thing for me.
What did I just say?
(42:30):
I don't want to repeat it.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (42:33):
I just said, my Lord, that's telling you what they
heard.
Because different people hearthings differently.
They, our perceptions aredifferent, our experiences cause
us to have.
It's like that little kids gamewhere they go around, they tell
the secret all around.
By the time he gets to theother side, it's a whole nother
thing.
Because they hear differently,we hear things differently and
(42:54):
we need to be clear on what thepoint is we're trying to get
across.
So I'm going to ask you what doyou think?
I said, okay, wait, wait, wait,wait.
But then when they don'tunderstand, don't get mad Just
because they repeated back intheir tone and the way they felt
that they heard it, don't getmad.
Say well, no, go back and try toclarify what you're trying to
(43:16):
say.
And in the process, it's aconversation.
Anger needs to be removedbecause that makes it worse,
because at that point peoplebegin to shut down when voices
get raised and things getbrought on the portion.
But it's a conversation, justokay.
Well, I wasn't actually sayingthat I want you to go beat up
Ray Ray.
I wasn't saying that.
What I was saying is he is thereason I'm upset right now.
(43:40):
So I think it's best that westay away from Ray Ray.
So just what he heard, becauseI heard he made you mad.
You're not happy and all, and Ithink it's time for me to go.
No, that's not what I said.
That's not what I said.
That's what you heard.
So clarify what you are tryingto say to the other person.
Male or female, husband, wife,child, children oh yes,
(44:03):
definitely with your children,definitely with your children.
Clarify, because kids will hearall kinds of stuff and be
specific, because kids thesedays love to play word games.
Be very specific with them andhave conversations with your
kids.
Don't be scared to talk to yourkids.
Don't be.
Your kids are listening, evenwhen you don't think they are.
They listen to every singlething you say and they watch
(44:26):
every single thing you do.
So be mindful of that.
The things you do within yourown circle, the things you do
within the house, professionally, they're looking at all of that
.
So just be mindful.
That's communication.
Whether you're communicatingverbally or non-verbally, it's
all communication and people aretaking all of that in.
Speaker 1 (44:47):
I'm glad you said communicating verbally, because
earlier you said you have tolisten to what people say.
What do you think about?
Because I know for me it's bigfor me to watch what you do,
because I know that some people,what they say, what they do,
(45:09):
they're not matching, they'reclashing.
It's like wait, they're notjust syncing up, it's not
syncing up.
What you said and what you didis not syncing up.
How do you address someone?
And they're literally, asyou're talking to them, they're
saying no, that's what I said,and you're like, yeah, but
that's not what you did.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
So you express that, say it, don't hold back.
Let me say this is what youwalked over there and you told
that girl she had a big oldbooty, but you you told me that
you didn't look at her booty,but you just walked over there
and told her but, but, baby, atthat, your actions, yes, are
(45:53):
speaking louder than your wordsat that moment.
Be very realistic with people.
Be people get scared to callother people out on their bull.
Okay, like, let's haveconversations.
I don't have to be mad at you,I don't have to be angry with
you to have the conversationabout.
Well, you told me that you weregoing to be here or you were
(46:18):
going to do this, but yet youdidn't.
And what happens is peopleforget that.
Oh, what you say and what youdo, people will forget, but how
they made you feel, that's thatthing you remember and that's
the thing that you have to getacross that what you did and
what you said, this is what itmade me feel.
(46:39):
So, regardless of what youthink, it's how I felt.
So that's how I interpreted it,because it's what you made me
feel.
So we got to get past this fearagain, back to that word fear
of being open and honest aboutwhat it is we want, how we want
to say it and when we want tosay it.
(47:00):
Don't be mad, we don't have tobe nasty, we don't have to get
loud, we don't have to be angry,but we need to get our point
across in a way that theyunderstand.
This is the effect that whatyou said and or did had on me.
That's the effect.
We need to communicate that toeach other.
We're failing in that area.
Speaker 1 (47:22):
We need to communicate that to each other.
We're failing in that area.
Communicating clearly.
It sounds like TD.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
Jakes, I just reposted something he said and
he said listen, you have tospeak with.
You have to speak without beingoffensive and you have to
listen without being defensive.
Very much so that that's.
But that's the arena that we'rein and too much.
See, we're all on the offenseright now and and we're all
trying to I said that wrongwe're all in a defensive right
now.
Quite frankly, a lot of us arein defense right now, trying to
(48:04):
like maneuver and back away andmake sure that we don't get hurt
and that nothing else comesinto our space to give us, cause
us any kind of angst.
But we got to slow down and wegot to take a moment to just be
in that moment, hear from peopleand express what we're hearing.
Again, that goes back toexpressing what we think we
(48:26):
heard.
Because again, we get sodefensive because we think we
heard something.
Ask the question Did I hear youcorrectly?
Because, again, that's going totell you who somebody is.
If they say, well, yeah, that'swhat I said.
Oh, okay, let me go away then,because that might not be what I
wanted.
Or, oh, let me lean in becausethat's, I need to hear more of
this.
But we are so, we're soprogrammed to, to not ask
(48:52):
questions, to to just sit andlet people go on and on and on
and not ask those questions, andwe walk away from things with
bits and pieces of what peoplesaid, never truly hearing the
full expanse or asking thequestions so we can understand
everything that they've justsaid to us.
That is the purpose ofconversation.
(49:12):
That is why we were given theselinguistic abilities, so that
we can actually understand eachother and fully sit with each
other.
Like it hurts my heart when Ithink about the way people could
be so much better if they justtook the time to really listen
(49:33):
to one another and talk to oneanother.
For the longest time, I harboredso much anger and frustration
at one of my siblings.
He's not here with us anymore,but in that time before he
(49:56):
passed, I did have anopportunity to just sit and have
conversations with him and Irealized that the real problem
wasn't that he disliked me.
He literally was freakingbipolar Like he.
Finally it finally came out.
But how did it come out?
Because we sat and we talked.
I listened, he spoke, we haddialogue back and forth and it's
(50:18):
like have you considered thepossibility that maybe?
Ah, okay, let's explore thissome more.
Do you want help with that?
Walking with people?
We're scared to walk withpeople.
We're scared to walk withpeople.
We put people out there allalone.
It's wrong.
(50:39):
It's so wrong Like we need tobe able to walk with each other
and again have those deepconversations with each other to
be able to help each other togrow and get beyond.
Like you said, tdj's had thatmessage out there about
listening and having theconversations.
(50:59):
We don't do enough of that.
We don't do enough of that.
We don't do enough of that.
We hear a little piece and werun with it.
Let's stop doing it.
Let's go back.
Let's go back, let's look.
Let's look deeper, let's seethe whole.
Let's see the whole skit.
Let's figure out what the wholething was.
It was really meant by that.
We can do do more of that.
(51:19):
We need to do more of that.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
That's amazing.
Td Jakes ended that snippetwith him saying and walk away,
leaving people with theirdignity.
That's powerful.
Speaker 2 (51:41):
That means you had a very respectful conversation.
You weren't rude.
Even if you disagreed, youagreed to disagree in a very
respectful manner.
That's not what we do thesedays.
That's not what we do thesedays.
I'm watching an artist who is aChristian, who is being beaten
(52:03):
up right now by a mainstreamartist, and it's so painful to
watch because this person isliterally the.
It's so funny to me becausehe's coming the Christian artist
is coming from a place of loveand you can hear it.
He's like let's sit down andbreak bread, let's have a
(52:25):
conversation about this, and theother artist is just well,
until you do x, y and z anduntil it's so aggressive, it's
so aggressive and I'm like allwe need to do is sit down and
have a conversation.
Why has it got to go?
Let's take this out of socialmedia.
Let's go put this in a spacewhere the two of us can sit down
(52:47):
as men and just have aconversation to truly understand
where the other one is comingfrom.
In the end, we may agree, wemight not, but at least we took
the time to try to have thatconversation.
That was needed To avoid someof the things that could lead to
more dangerous and more hostilesituations.
(53:08):
Take the time to just have aconversation.
So easy, so easy, but we refuse.
We absolutely refuse.
And my goal is to get morepeople to talk.
And my goal is to get morepeople to talk, just talk.
Speaker 1 (53:38):
Just talk about where you are.
Start with, right where you are.
Start there, start here, rightnow.
Where are you Change your life?
Change your life so healthySelf-worth.
We're ending on the topic ofself-worth.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
How do you help people find that I hit something
, oh you did, you did, you tookme back to a moment with my mom,
so I knew I was meant to dothis work a long time ago.
I've been fighting away fromthis work.
When I was little, my motherused to tell me I would bring
anyone and everyone home becauseI would help them.
(54:14):
I didn't believe anyone.
There's no such thing as anugly person in my opinion.
There's no such thing as youcan't help someone.
Everyone can be helped and Iwould bring everybody home to
try to help them.
And I had an experience with mymother.
My mother, um, suffered withdepression, severe depression
(54:39):
actually, and she tried tocommit suicide at one point.
And at that point I was about10, I think about 10, 11 years
old, and I literally rememberrunning down the alleyway
because there's an alleyway nextto our house after my mother,
(55:00):
and grabbing her and bringingher in the house and sitting her
down, and at that point Ididn't know a whole lot of
scripture.
I still don't know a whole lotof scriptures.
I can go to the Bible and findevery single thing I need, but I
can't quote all the scriptures,but this one scripture, it was
heavy in my mind and it was asfor me and my house.
We shall see the lord.
(55:20):
And I sat her down, I said thatscripture to her and I said,
mom, we can't serve the lord ifyou're not here.
I am in your house, I need youhere, I need you here.
She stuck around for me as longas she could, but her self-worth
had been beaten up.
(55:41):
She had a rough time After mygrandfather passed.
My grandmother was not as niceto her as she should have been.
She was good to her, don't getme wrong, but some of the things
she would say.
My mom would try to put makeupon and she would tell us she
(56:03):
looked like a clown.
My mother was a very caringperson.
She always made sure otherpeople were taken care of long
before she was.
She didn't understand theconcept of you can't pour from
an empty cup, the concept of youcan't pour from an empty cup.
She had no clue of how that,what that really meant, because
(56:24):
she was always pouring, pouring,pouring to her own detriment,
to her own detriment, down tothe point that the day she died,
the day before she died, shehad a diabetic.
She went to a diabetic coma,got better, came home.
When she came home, that nextshe's up cleaning the house for
everybody else and I'm like, mom, slow down, you can't do that.
(56:46):
You need to take care of you.
Oh, I'm okay, ma.
You just went through thiswhole experience.
You were just in the hospital,sit down that night.
She went back to the hospitaland I got a call that she didn't
make it and she didn't comeback home.
I'm sorry.
(57:11):
So lesson learned from herlesson that I've learned in my
life is that you can take careof people, but you can't to your
own detriment.
You need to take care of you.
Self-care, self-worth, becausethat's the first step.
You can't have self-care if youdon't have self-worth.
What do you mean to you?
What is your value?
I tell people all the time youknow they ask that question on
(57:31):
certain things, like when youtalk to people have you ever
thought about committing suicide?
No, I love myself too much tothink about harming myself.
That's my favorite line to say,because I realized I do love me
.
You might not like me all thetime.
Speaker 1 (57:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (57:45):
I love me, some me.
I love me, some me.
I love sitting quietly withmyself.
I love spending time alone withmyself Because I've learned to
love me.
I haven't always loved me, Ihaven't.
I can acknowledge that.
I can acknowledge that Iallowed my body to be abused and
(58:09):
used in manners in which itshould not have ever been.
But when you know better, youdo better, and I know a whole
lot better now and I've learnedthat that is part of your
self-worth, that is, knowingthat this body, it matters.
Everything you do to it,everything you say to it,
everything you put in here, allthat goes into who you are and
(58:33):
how much you value yourself.
All the more reason why I goback to we need to talk to
people who will build us up, whowill uplift us, who will
encourage our minds to help usbuild that self-worth that we
may not have.
Help us find it.
Find it within yourself,because it's in there.
We all have it in us, butsometimes it takes a little more
(58:55):
digging to get to it than othertimes.
We just have to be willing tolet someone in so we can find it
, because without it it's death,it leads to death.
Speaker 1 (59:06):
My goodness.
Without it, it leads to death,destruction and divorce.
My Lord, I think that statementapplies to more than just
marriage, because you candivorce somebody in a friendship
, you can divorce a sibling andnever talk to them.
(59:26):
You can divorce you knowsomething that you really really
love to do and just say, listen, I'm never going to do that
again.
And you're never really feeling, feeling whole, because you
divorced.
Something happened and therewas a death, and then there was
the destruction of it, and thenthere was just I got to get away
, can we?
Speaker 2 (59:45):
say that Ma'am, that's a whole word by itself.
Ok, that's a whole word.
Speaker 1 (59:59):
Yes, my gosh.
All right, ma'am, I am honoredthat you came through to drop
the wisdom and knowledge for abetter life.
I would like for you to sharewith the people the confident
you tribe, how they can have theamazing opportunity to work
(01:00:25):
with you.
Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
Certainly.
Well, I'll say, first of all, Ican be reached at info for you,
info at your kindred connection, and that's connection with the
K dot com, at your Kendrickconnection, and that's
connection with the K dot com.
Or I can be reached onInstagram at your underscore
Kendrick connection Again,connection with the K, and I
(01:00:50):
want you to reach out to me tohelp you find that confidence
that you need to help you buildthe relationships you need to
have, the conversations you needto have, help you build the
relationships you need to have,the conversations you need to
have.
You may have situ.
I'm a coach, I'm Coach K.
Let's just see, I'm just goingto say it like that.
I am Coach K.
My desire is to help you on asoul level to prosper, to find
(01:01:12):
that potential within yourselfthat you just don't even know.
You have to help you craft thelife and the circumstances that
you want for yourself.
That is my desire, that is mygoal for everyone that I
encounter, to help them have abetter life and find peace.
But on a soul level.
We're put here to do so muchmore and I just want to help
(01:01:37):
more and more people find that.
That's my goal, that's mydesire, and I hope that you'll
reach out to people, find thatthat's my goal, that's my desire
and I hope that you'll reachout to me for that opportunity
and we can work together.
I thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:01:48):
And I thank you.
We thank you.
Thank you for coming through.
I pray that the confident youfamily definitely listened,
definitely listen, and thequestions that they have they
reach out and ask you.
I hope that they fill your DMswith questions that will help
(01:02:10):
them to get the guidance thatthey need so that they can
connect and learn how to havethat healthy dialogue to a
healthier life.
I really do appreciate youjoining us.
Thank you so much for answeringthe call.
Thank you for having me on.
Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
I enjoyed this so much.
Speaker 1 (01:02:34):
Yes, we enjoyed you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
listen, everyone, confident you, tribe, listen.
We are building the network,the network that we need to live
healthier lives, and I justwant to let you know that if you
are suffering at the hands ofdomestic violence, you can call
(01:02:58):
Bethany House, ask for Tiffany.
The number there is1-888-80-HELPS, that's 4-3-5-7-7
.
If Tiffany doesn't answer,anyone there on her staff is
there to help you make a planfor a better life for you and
(01:03:20):
your children.
Listen if that number.
There's also another numberthat we have.
That is the National DomesticViolence Hotline.
That's 1-800-799-SAFE, that's7233.
If you are suffering at thehand of domestic violence, help
(01:03:40):
is here.
All right, everyone.
Please don't forget to like,share, subscribe and follow.
I will see you listen in theafter party.
Coach K doesn't even know we'regoing to be talking personally
with her about her relationshipand finding out some intimate
details on how she met herhusband.
(01:04:02):
Definitely want to tune in.
Hey there, confident you.
I am Marian Swingler, your host, honored to have you back here
yet again.
If you are not a member of theConfident you community, please
make sure you like, share,subscribe and hit that
notification and follow us onInstagram and Facebook at Marian
(00:22):
Swingler and at confident youunderscore podcast.
And I'm so excited for tonight.
I am honored to have thisperson here with us.
Listen, if you have questionsabout life, questions about love
(00:42):
, questions about just everycomponent of the person, that's
who I have with us here tonight.
This person is is your kindredconnection, the one and only.
Kim Brown, or better known asCoach Kim.
(01:06):
Yes, how are you?
Speaker 2 (01:10):
I am well.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
I love the introduction.
Now I first want, before we getinto Coach Kim and all her
amazingness, I just want toacknowledge the beautiful mural
behind her on that wall.
Listen, as you heard me say,tanya Stokes and her team over
(01:34):
at Compassionate Designs areamazing, and that mural is by
Tanya Stokes.
Listen, I just I need y'all tosee it.
I, you got to see it, you gottasee it.
So I've been saying I'm goingto get permission from her to be
able to unveil for you to seehow beautiful the entire mural
(01:59):
is.
And so drums, please.
Here we are.
Oh, my goodness, if you don'tknow Tanya's story, please go
back and watch episode 11 ofConfident you podcast.
Listen, everything is possibleand she tells her story and she
(02:21):
tells how she ended up doingthis mural.
But we're gonna hear from theperson who asked her to do it.
I'm excited about this storyhow it?
Because I know what she saidand I want everyone to go back
to episode 11 and hear that.
But I want to know how thisended up on your wall this ended
(02:48):
up on your wall, so it'sinteresting.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
You asked that question.
As you stated, tanya Stokes isan amazing artist.
She's creative in so manyrealms like.
She's just so diverse.
And I saw a painting that shehad done and the painting was
this Well, similar to this.
Actually, it's not, even thisis different from the painting,
but it was similar to this muraland I said I want the painting.
(03:09):
Well, she wouldn't give me thepainting, so I said, okay, well,
you won't give me the painting.
Then I want you to put it on mywall.
And she's like I've never donethat before.
I said, well, now you will have, because you're going to put it
on my wall.
Wow, she looked at me for alittle while like, huh, are you
serious?
And I'm like, yeah, I'm veryserious.
(03:30):
And she came and started puttingthe.
She thought about it and howshe would do it, and she came on
a regular basis and for her itended up being therapy as well,
because she got so engrossed inthe painting and I love the fact
that she didn't think she coulddo it at first.
(03:50):
It was like, but what?
I don't know.
I'm going ma'am, you are whoyou are.
Walk in that and that's what Ido.
That's my job these days is tohelp people walk in their path,
who they they are in theirspirit, down deep in their souls
, walking.
And that's exactly what she did,and I benefited from it because
I now have this beautiful muralon my wall which everyone's
(04:12):
like what are you going to dowhen you move?
It's going with me cutting outdrywall and I'm taking this with
me.
I'll put some new ones up there, but this thing just my baby.
Oh, by the way.
Way, and we got real creativewe put a little rose quartz dust
.
So this room right here, it'sthis one here, there's rose
quartz dust in the paint, sothere's a little love, no matter
(04:33):
what in this room.
There's always good love,energy here, so come on here.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
let me just show you guys this one more time.
Now let let me tell you Tanyawanted me to make sure that I
told you that this is arecreation of an original
painting by Justin Copeland.
We believe that to be theoriginal artist, justin Copeland
(05:00):
, and he's based out ofBaltimore, maryland.
So I just wanted everyone tosee I'm a person of my word, I
asked permission and this justfelt like the most apropos time
to share it.
It's absolutely amazing, butyou said something very, very
(05:21):
vital to why we're here today.
Very, very vital to why we'rehere today.
You say because that's what Ido.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Could you explain to the confident you tribe.
What is it?
I love the fact that the nameof your show is Confident you,
because that's what I love.
I love to encourage people andbuild confidence.
The question so many peoplehave is why me or I can't, or
the word can't should be, shouldnot be in our vocabulary.
It really shouldn't.
It should not be in ourvocabulary, and I believe that
(05:51):
we need to push past that.
There are times when there arethings that maybe we shouldn't
be doing and we need to beredirected Again.
That's where I come in Givingyou a different perspective,
opening your mind, to help youthink more broadly about the
situations you're in.
That's that's that's what I'mhere for.
I'm here to touch you on a soullevel so you really benefit in
(06:15):
this life and your soul prospers.
You know, the Bible tells usour souls should prosper, and
that's what I'm here to help usdo tells us our souls should
prosper, and that's what I'mhere to help us do.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
My Lord and you mentioned the Bible I want to
share with you, and so that isthe great book that I always
refer to when I tell a story orrelate to something that I've
read here on Confident you, andin the great book in Exodus, god
told Moses to go to Pharaoh,the king, and tell him to let my
(06:55):
people go.
Moses, shrunk back, said Ican't do that.
Moses, shrunk back, said Ican't do that I stutter that
word I, I, I not not.
(07:28):
How do you hear from God andknow that he has a calling for
you or it's just something thatnaturally comes to you?
But whenever you're asked to doit on the spot, in front of
someone, or even as Tanya did it, no one was there.
She was the only one in theroom, but it was just the fact
that it would be done, and thenpeople will be standing there,
(07:51):
so eventually it will be seen.
So it is in front of others.
So how do you help peoplemaneuver past, knowing that
their greatness within them butbeing afraid for it to be seen?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Well, it depends on the person in that situation,
but, in general, helping peoplesee themselves.
That's a lot of where we are isthat people don't really see
themselves.
We live in a world now that hasso much social media hype and
everything is fake.
Let's just be real.
You can make any and everythinglook like any and everything.
(08:22):
Now, ai is real.
That's the way the world lives.
But we need to look at who weare and what we can accomplish
as individuals.
Like you said, god told himMoses knew he could do it.
The reality is he knew he coulddo it, but he let fear.
False evidence appearing real,step in.
(08:45):
But then, when he moved, lookat what happened when he
listened.
But what helped him to listen?
What was he hearing?
What else was moving in him?
Holy Spirit.
God gave all of us every lastone of us Holy Spirit, and Holy
Spirit is what moves our giftsLike.
(09:07):
It helps us to manifest ourgifts into reality.
And when we start walking inthat spirit, your life will
change.
Your life will change becauseyou'll start doing things that
you had no clue about.
You're going well.
I don't even know how I gothere.
Why am I doing this?
It's Holy Spirit moving.
God's active force is moving inyour life and my goal is to
(09:30):
help you find that voice.
That is Holy Spirit talking toyou.
Because we tramp it down, welet society beat out of us, we
like a little donkey in the hole.
We get in that hole and theythrow dirt on us and then we
just shake it off and we startstomping it down underneath our
feet.
And what happens?
The more you pound that dirtunderneath you, you start to
(09:52):
rise, you get higher and higherand eventually you get out of
that hole.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
Come on here.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
That's the goal.
That is, the goal is to pullourselves out of that hole.
And how are we going to do that, we?
To pull ourselves out of thathole.
And how are we going to do that?
We're going to open up.
We're going to talk about thosethings which, in the past,
we've been told oh, we shouldn'ttalk about those things, we
shouldn't tell everybody ourbusiness.
Now, that part is slightly true, but there's a level and
(10:18):
there's limits to these thingsthat we need to understand.
Everybody's not your friend.
That's just the reality.
But there are people who areset here on this earth to help
you and we need to be open tothose people.
Everybody's not here to do youwrong.
Unfortunately, our world hascreated a society that believes
that everyone is out to get you.
Now, cool, I'm here to changethat, to bust that myth, to show
(10:40):
that we can work together.
We don't have to be crabs in abarrel.
We can help each other.
Speaker 1 (10:52):
That's my goal.
Everybody's after you Expoundon that.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Everyone thinking that everybody is after you.
So we live in the haterationage.
If someone doesn't agree withyou, if someone doesn't like the
way you live or the things youdo, they hating on you.
Everything is hating on you.
No, we think so highly ofourselves.
There are seven point eightbillion people in this world.
(11:26):
Ok, we are a minuscule piece ofit, Don't get me wrong.
Our little piece can touch awhole lot, but we aren't doing
that much that people have tohate.
It's not hate.
Hate is such a strong word Likedo people really realize what
hate is?
Hate?
(11:46):
Hate is such a strong word Likedo people really realize what
hate is?
Hate is the demonstrated actionof absolute and utter dislike
and disagreement.
Like that is such to havehating your body is just painful
because the hating your bodyaffects you more than it affects
the person that you're hating.
Okay, so this we have to removethat mindset that people are
(12:07):
hating and just learn to live inwho we are and what we need to
be doing.
If we focus on what we'resupposed to be doing, we can
change so many things in theworld, but not just in the world
within ourselves, Like theimmediate change happens in us
and that affects, creates aripple effect throughout.
We start touching other peoplebecause we now see the value in
(12:27):
us.
When you value something, thinkabout that.
Think about.
Think about the cost of adiamond, Like when you just
pluck it out.
When you pluck it out of themind, it's not as valuable.
But when you start to pull awaythat coal piece and you start
crafting it and you startputting it in settings on, think
about how much more valuable itbecomes.
(12:48):
Like it's the value when youstart to really get in and dig
deep and clean it up, polish up,shine it, make it pretty.
That's when the value comes.
And we have to do that withourselves.
Got to get in there, dig outall that other ugly stuff.
Because the reality is we havegrown and we've been in a world
where we all have childhoodtrauma.
(13:09):
It's just the reality.
We all have trauma that we'vebeen through, Some larger than
others.
It's all different, but we allhave been conditioned and that
trauma is I don't really want touse the word trauma, but it is
trauma.
Trauma is I don't really wantto use the word trauma, but it
is trauma.
It's a conditioning that'shappened to us and our parents.
They know no better, so theydid the best that they could and
(13:34):
we've been conditioned from ourparents and we have to
decondition ourselves to be ableto do better for our next
generation.
It's just those things that wehave to work on.
It's a lot of work.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
But if we're willing to put in the work, oh, the
blessings that come behind that.
So great, so great, so greatare the blessings that come
behind that.
You were talking about hatersand people saying hate is such a
strong word and that peoplebelieve that they have haters.
What would you say if you'resaying that, no, you don't have
haters?
What would you say?
How should the person phrase it?
(14:14):
You have distractions.
Say it again.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
You have distractions , explain.
So they can only go so far,like this so-called hate, when
people give fuel to things likefuel to these feuds and these
fires.
They can only go so far if youcontinue to respond, if you
continue to react to it.
(14:38):
That reaction is what fuelsthem, which makes them keep
going.
But when you start focusing onyou and not worrying about them
or those people over there, letthose people over there stay
over there and you focus on you.
That's how you kill a hater,because they can say whatever
they want and you can keepshining right on.
(14:59):
Let them say, let them do youkeep going.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
That's how you kill haters.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
That's how you kill haters.
So it sounds as though whatyou're saying is comparison.
Yeah, it was not justcomparison, because comparison
is an evil thing in itself.
Because I'm a woman, I wantthat Coke bottle figure like all
these other folks got.
I want that Coke bottle figurelike all these other folks got.
But the reality is God createdus all uniquely, like I'm not
meant to have that Coke bottlefigure.
(15:31):
Maybe, maybe not, I don't know,but he created us all
differently and we're allbeautiful.
We're all just gorgeous, thethings we do.
If we compare ourselves andconstantly try to do what the
other people do, where will thisworld go?
Because there'll be nocreativity happening in the
(15:51):
world if we're always trying todo what someone else is doing.
That's what comparison does.
It forces you to try to be likesomeone else and do what
they're doing.
What is the joy in that?
In my house, we call ourselvesweirdos all the time.
But you know a weirdo actuallyweirdos all the time, but you
know what weirdo actually means?
Weird is the supernatural, thenot normal who wants to be
boring and normal.
Be supernatural, besupernatural, be weird, do
(16:14):
different stuff.
Why do we want to just be inthis world and be like everyone
else.
That's the wackest thing I'veheard.
We wouldn't have all thecreative genres of music we have
if everyone started just doingthis whole comparison thing.
We wouldn't be, we wouldn't beable to.
It stifles you.
(16:35):
When you start doing thiscomparison thing, it doesn't
grow you, it puts you inside ofa box.
You are you for a reason.
You have something to give inthis life.
For a reason, you're meant totouch somebody.
Your story is meant to be toldto somebody else.
(16:55):
Yes, it's a testimony.
For a reason You've beenthrough something.
It may be small, but that'ssomething someone else is going
through and you're put here totell them and help them through
that.
That's why we need to get outof this comparison box, because
when you start saying, oh well,such and such got this and I
want that, why do you want that?
(17:16):
What does it benefit you tohave that?
You're meant for something else.
You're meant for somethinggreater.
You're greater.
Why do you want to have whatother people have?
Let's kill it.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Kill it.
So you said you're greater,you're greater.
How do you help peoplecomprehend finding they're
greater?
Speaker 2 (17:38):
So that's a conversation.
That is a conversation to behad with people, because I want
to understand who you are first.
Like, what do you think ofyourself?
That's the first step is tofigure out what you think of
yourself, and do you have a lowvisual of yourself?
Like, is your self-esteem whereit needs to be?
(17:58):
That's the first step.
Can we get that in check?
Let's get that in check.
Let's understand.
Let's do a vibe check.
Get that in check.
Let's get that in check.
Let's understand.
Let's do a vibe check there,get that in place.
And then, where do you want togo?
What's your vision?
Do you have a vision?
Find that so many people don't.
And what do you?
You know the bible, so youalready know what happens when
you don't have vision whathappens, ma'am you oh, you lost.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
You don't know what's going on.
You, there's no, there's novision, the people perish.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
There's nothing exactly.
So we got to get people to havea vision of their own so that
they can grow, we can build, wecan do more.
It's so important that peoplehave a vision and we don't
people that that's that comparelike said, that comparison piece
.
Their vision is I want to belike so-and-so.
(18:47):
No, be like you.
What do you want?
Where do you want to go?
What do you want to do?
And my goal is to help you getto what you really want and help
you see how you can get there.
Like, how do you get there?
How do you craft that?
It looks different for everyone.
I'm not built like you.
I am not Marion Swindler.
(19:08):
Like you have your way, yourwalk, your walk is yours.
I'm Kim Brown, my walk is mine.
I have to.
I have to take the steps that Ineed to take.
I need to deprogram myself fromwhere I have come from and I
need to open my eyes up to seewhat's out there for me.
And when we start to, we got alot of onion layers here that we
(19:30):
have to peel through to get towhere we want to go.
And that's what we're supposedto do.
But see in our community I sayour community, african American
community we're not taught totalk about these things with
other people.
This is the stuff that we'retold to keep inside.
You can figure it out.
You'll figure it out yourself.
No, no, open your mouth, talkto other people, do what you
(19:59):
need to do, because the more wetry to hold things in and try to
do it ourselves, I've seen toomany people leave this earth far
too early because they were sobusy trying to do it themselves.
And do it all Not meant for usto live this life alone, doing
things by ourselves.
That's not what we're here for.
That's not how we're built, andwe have to get rid of it.
(20:20):
Kill it Again.
Kill it.
Another thing to be killed.
Kill it.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
You said kill it just now, but you said deprogram.
How do you move throughdeprogramming something that you
have been doing all your life,no matter how long that life is,
whether that's two years, 12years, 20 years, 40 years?
Speaker 2 (20:44):
oh, that's in, that's in its own self-process.
Again, that's the first step,is opening up and being willing.
And then the willingness isbeing able to be vulnerable with
yourself yourself.
First you have to, because wehave to be open and honest with
ourselves in here.
(21:04):
You know how you feel in yourheart.
You know what hurts you.
You know what you still harborresentment towards.
You know, but are you willingto admit that and in admitting
that, are you willing to moveforward from it?
Because the longer we hold on tothose things affected by what
(21:28):
we are holding on to, I can hateon you, I can dislike you, I
can do all those things withregards to you and you are not
touched.
It's all in me, it's all in myenergy.
My energy is the energy isaffected by that, my spirit, my
soul Killing myself and you justgoing on with life.
(21:49):
But we have to learn to acceptthose things.
Well, that was interesting.
We have to accept those thingsand then we have to be able to
let them go, like really let go.
That is a hard process.
I've walked through it myself.
(22:09):
Let go, that is a hard process.
I've walked through it myself.
It's a hard process.
To let go of hurt.
It's a hard process to let goof the fact that you've been
betrayed.
It's a hard process to let goof fear.
All those emotions exist insideof us and they're not easy to
let go of.
But we have to be willing andin that willingness, going back
(22:35):
to God because he's always therehe comes in and slowly but
surely he starts to say baby,let me wipe you off, let me give
you another little ease, let meslide you into this a little
bit more.
And it gets easier day by day,moment by moment.
It gets a little bit easierwhen we acknowledge it.
But if we don't take the stepsto just even start with
(22:58):
acknowledging it, we can't goany further.
I can't work with anyone whowon't even acknowledge it, who
won't open up about themselvesto themselves, because you can't
be real.
If you can't be real with you,who are you going't be real with
you?
Who you gonna be real?
Speaker 1 (23:11):
let's just, you gotta be real it really does sound
like you're talking about a keyword that I heard you mention
before in one of ourconversations.
Uh, and that word beingvulnerability.
Please share how you feel aboutthe, the importance of
vulnerability.
Oh, it's so important.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
I mean all aspects of our lives.
Again, like I said, thatvulnerability is a story, your
story, your ability to justexist as you are, releasing fear
of judgment, because that'swhat hold, that's what holds us
from being vulnerable.
We're scared of being judged.
(23:52):
Our almighty is the only truejudge of us.
It's just real.
He's the only one that cantruly judge me, everyone else,
your opinion and it's.
You know, we all have opinions,just like we have some other
things.
I won't say that word here,though, but we do, and so we
(24:13):
have to get rid of that fearthat exists in being judged and
open up, because, again, beingvulnerable, it first benefits
you because you're you'reallowing yourself to be open and
expanding yourself, making roomfor things to come in when you
(24:33):
allow yourself to be vulnerable.
But then those things that comein, they can light you up and
bring so much more joy to you,and you just have no idea who
you can affect in the level ofvulnerability that you expose in
this world.
When you allow yourself to tellyour story, to open your mouth
(24:54):
to people, you have no idea whoyou may have just blessed,
because there's nothing newunder the sun.
I hate to use the cliche, butit's a reality.
There's nothing new and so manypeople are walking through the
exact same experiences but theythink they're all alone and by
themselves.
That's not real, becauseeveryone again that's that whole
(25:17):
comparison, living keeping upwith the Joneses, this Instagram
life you know, it's the socialmedia life that everything is
great, I got money in the bank.
No, that's not real.
That's not reality.
And we got to break that.
We got to break that and goback in and go back in and let
(25:41):
those tears go.
Let them go.
Stop holding them in, stopbeing this anger inside of us,
this sadness that exists in somany of us.
People have not even people havelost family members and things,
and they won't even grievebecause they're scared.
It looks like weakness.
Come on now.
(26:01):
Your mama passed and you gottawalk around.
Like you, everything is no.
That's your mother, that's your, your heart.
Baby, let that out.
Let that out, because if youdon't let it out in the proper
manner, I promise you it's goingto come out in a way that you
don't want to see.
You don't want to see whatit'll do to you.
That's where we, that's wherewe get our people who have
(26:22):
depression.
That's where we get our peoplewho have anxiety.
That's where we get our peoplewho are committing suicide
because they don't know how tolet it out, and that stuff is
eating them up.
All because of that one wordvulnerability.
Be vulnerable, let it go.
Just show others who you trulyare inside.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
It's okay, it's okay now you said earlier you can't
share everything with everyone,so how can we help people
identify safe spaces?
We always say go to a safespace, go to a safe space.
(27:04):
What does a safe?
You have friends, so why do doyou the people that you consider
a safe space to be vulnerable?
What characteristics do theyhave versus someone you're you
would pass right, Like I'm nottelling that person anything?
What characteristics do theyhave?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
So my little friend circle, as I call it, my COVID
pod.
We were together before COVID,but COVID, just kind of like,
put us in this really tightlittle bubble together.
We they exhibit thecharacteristics of trust.
They're trustworthy, they'rehonest, they're very real and
(27:47):
they're tested.
And that's what we fail to dowith friendships.
These days we're very quick tocall someone a friend.
Facebook royally screwed uswith this friend thing.
Everybody is not your friend.
I had to teach my youngest thatone.
Everybody you meet is not yourfriend.
They can be an associate.
(28:08):
What does tested mean?
So I'm going to give you thatone.
So tested means that I've spenttime with you, I've talked to
you, I'm hearing who you are.
But that's the key Listening topeople.
People will tell you who theyare very easily, because when
you meet someone, the firstperson you meet is the
representative.
(28:28):
Whether it's a male or femalethat you're meeting, the first
person you meet is arepresentative.
Give them time, becauseeveryone will tell you who they
are over time.
Take your time.
If they're a true friend,they're going to be there and
things will start to show.
Little by little, that littleyarn will start to unravel and
(28:48):
you'll see signs of whether ornot.
You can trust this person withyour heart and that's a friend
or lover.
They will show you if you cantrust them with your heart.
What are good signs to look forwhen you're dealing with that?
Let's say, in a relationship, ifthe person can't even have a
direct conversation with youafter three or four weeks, if
(29:13):
they can't just have aconversation with you, question
them.
Why are we doing this?
If I can't even just have aconversation with you one on one
, if all you can do is text me,why can't you talk to me?
Question it.
I'm not saying they're bad, butquestion it.
Question everything.
I like Obama's little thingTrust, but verify.
(29:38):
Trust people.
You can give people the benefitof the doubt in the beginning,
but don't give out all yoursecrets in the beginning.
There's no reason for anyone toknow all of your secrets.
I'm not telling you to be false.
I'm telling you to haveconversations with people so
that you can understand theirmotives, because friendships are
(29:59):
based upon motives.
My friends are my friendsbecause we know that we benefit
each other.
We grow each other.
Like they stretch me.
These women are amazing.
I'm not going to lie.
Sometimes I get a littlenervous.
I'm like dang, y'all got a lotgoing on.
And then they have to come backto me and I've said it to them
(30:20):
and that's the thing about thevulnerability.
I can say that to them and theycan come back to me and say,
honey, you belong here Becausesee, if you weren't here, where
would you be?
What would you be doing?
We're growing each other, we'repushing each other, and if your
friendships don't grow you andsend you in a better direction,
(30:40):
question the friendship,question whether or not you
should be around these people.
People need to prove.
People need to prove themselvesto you like that's just a
reality.
People need to prove themselves.
It's just not.
We don't want to give ourselvesaway to just anyone.
That's in a physical sense,emotional sense, in a spiritual
(31:04):
sense.
We don't want to give ourselvesaway.
Even God says to test him andhe says that.
So if God, our heavenly father,is asking us to test a man, why
would we test man?
To see who you really are, howyou really plan on living?
Like we really need to do moreof that.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Change a lot of relationships, change a lot of
marriages.
It'll change a lot ofrelationships, change a lot of
marriages.
It'll change a lot of families.
You were mentioning our people.
We have an issue with beingvulnerable.
I've seen even with SimoneBiles coming out with mental
(31:48):
health in the Olympics, you know, just stepping back, going
listen, something's not rightand I can't move forward.
And the support that thecountry showed her I thought was
amazing, Absolutely beautiful.
It's sad that I thought it wasamazing, but it just I didn't
(32:09):
know how it was going to go.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
You know, right now there is a true movement for
mental health, mental health andwell-being in the workplace and
the family, everywhere.
Even the Surgeon General'sframework right now is looking
at mental health and well-beinglike we need it's, it's, it's
the next epidemic, so to speak,our mental health.
It's the next epidemic, so tospeak, our mental health.
How is it?
I don't want to misquote thestatistic, but there's a large
(32:33):
statistic that says so many andso many people are exhibiting
some mental health disabilityLike.
The reality is, we all have amental health disability in some
shape, fashion or form, whetheror not we want to own up to it.
That's a different story, butwe all are, and especially
coming out of this pandemic.
(32:54):
It reveals so much becausepeople lost that community.
They lost that opportunity togo and find places to hide out
so they didn't have to deal withtheir mental health issues.
Right, and we need to open up,as, as the community, we need to
be open to talking to people.
Speaker 1 (33:11):
I know.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
Our parents always told us you keep your business
in your house.
That was the reality.
That's how we grew up.
Don't tell nobody what's goingon in this house, that's right.
You don't tell all yourbusiness, that's just.
That's no matter what community, all your business doesn't
belong in the streets.
But you don't feel likesomething is right inside of you
(33:31):
.
You need to go seek some help,because we aren't meant to walk
this walk alone.
We're meant to walk with people, and that's what coaches,
therapists and counselors andpsychologists are here for to
give you a place to go, to havesomeone to walk it out with you.
That's what they're here for,and we need to speak it more
often.
(33:52):
We don't again the nextpandemic we don't get under
control.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
We need to talk about mental health more in our
community yes, I really do thinkthat, uh, mental health moved
to the forefront during thepandemic um, because we couldn't
run and hide say it again wecouldn't run and hide during the
pandemic.
Speaker 2 (34:14):
We couldn't run on the streets and keep ourselves
busy doing this, doing that outhere and there.
There was nowhere to go.
You had to sit with yourself.
Do you know how many peoplejust could not handle sitting
with their self, could nothandle the thoughts going
through their own head, thatvoice that exists in there, that
id, that thing that wants tosatisfy our self-pleasures?
(34:38):
They could not handle thatbecause they did not have the
tools that they needed.
They didn't know how to reachout to people, to the right
people.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
It's crazy.
Yeah, it was the same thing Ifeel with parent to children.
They didn't know how to dealwith.
Wait, you want me to sit herewith them?
It was the same thing as far asmarriages, domestic violence
raised so high because you juststayed in each other's space.
Speaker 2 (35:15):
And that's where that testing piece comes in.
How many of those marriageswere tested before the pandemic?
How many of those were justreal time with each other?
Like real time, sitting,talking, just being with each
other.
How is it that you can't standto be in a room or in a house.
Because these people are inhouses, not necessarily having
(35:38):
to stay in the same room all thetime.
You just can't stand being inthe house with your spouse.
That's the person you promiseto love, cherish, honor, care
for until death, do you part,and you can't even stand being
in the house with them.
Why would you make those typeof promises if you can't even
stand to be around them at all?
What do you really know about aperson if you can't stand to be
(36:01):
around them?
That is the complication withthe relationships.
Now, that is a complication.
People don't say.
Let me not say don't.
People haven't.
I'm not going to say that theyaren't doing it now, because I'm
starting to see more of it.
Actually, I'm starting to seemore people really take that
time to understand wait, who areyou?
Where are you going?
What do you want?
Are we on the same page?
I'm seeing more of that comeabout now, which I love.
(36:23):
I think that's a beautifulthing More conversations, more
time spent together.
I think that is the best thinggoing.
But during the pandemic peoplebeforehand you know it was oh,
you cute, you sexy, you gotmoney.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
We were doing all of that and we weren't looking at
the substance that people aremade of.
So there is that surface thatyou're talking about, that
substance and where do youadvise people to look?
Speaker 2 (36:54):
At the soul.
Where are your priorities?
Where is this person'spriorities?
What is the relationship likewith their family?
Why?
And then ask the question whyis the relationship like that
with their family?
Because not everyone has agreat relationship with the
family, but there's always areason.
You need to understand thosereasons and you need to
understand is that somethingthat you can deal with?
(37:15):
Because those same traits thatthey exhibited with their family
they're going to trickle overinto your relationship.
So you need to think aboutthose things as you begin to
move forward and progress inthis relationship, because they
all affect what you will have asan outcome.
Don't, don't gloss over it.
Oh, it'll get bad.
Oh, he'll be all right.
No, honey, honey, honey, let metell you no, he won't, he's
(37:40):
just gonna be worse but thenwait, because I was gonna say
but what did you say to thegentleman?
Speaker 1 (37:49):
and that's the situation that they're having so
.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
So as as men who are dealing oh god, I just literally
was having this conversationwith someone the other day set
expectations.
I know people are like, oh,don't, don't try to manage my
expectations.
But no, we should be looking atwhat is expected of us.
We have people now who aremoving in with each other and
(38:14):
they're living the good life andthey're like there's no
conversation.
There's no conversation aboutwhat it is to live the good life
long-term.
So I have a house.
I bought my house.
This is the mail.
I bought my house, I paid themortgage.
I tell you, okay, you know what,you can move in.
But then you don't talk to meabout spending money.
(38:41):
I don't know what your billsare.
I don't know what you'respending.
I don't know how you're goingto pay bills.
None of that is ever discussed.
That creates tension.
That creates tension in itself.
I don't know if I like the wayyou want to live.
I don't know if I like the wayyou want to put your clothes on
my chairs or any of the above.
Let's have those conversations.
Again.
(39:02):
That's a vulnerable piecebecause a lot of people don't
want to have those conversationsbecause they're scared of where
they're going to go no, go outto dinner in a neutral place and
have real conversations withpeople.
I saw a wonderful little reelthe other day and it was so cute
, I just loved it.
I had no choice but to love it.
The couple was in there andthey were like well, businesses
have board meetings,relationships should too.
(39:24):
I 100 percent agree that everyrelationship should have a board
meeting on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
So what is the top five topics that you believe
should be discussed?
Speaker 2 (39:35):
Marriage, finances, living arrangements, kids, sex
yes, all of sex needs to bediscussed.
What you will and won't do, andyour past, because I need to
(39:59):
know where you came from so Ican understand where we're going
.
Those are the things that youneed to really think about
before you start saying, oh, I'mgoing to go be with Pookie over
there because he got all it is.
No, get that stuff straightfirst, then y'all can go live
happily ever after.
If you don't get those thingsstraight and you don't have
clarity, you're heading forproblems.
You're heading for situationsthat are not beneficial for
(40:22):
anyone.
Don't, don't, don't, don't godown that path.
That's because that path leadsto death, destruction and
divorce death, destruction anddivorce.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
So how do you coach k , help people to not get to
death and destruct, let's saydestruction destruction.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
I said it that way for a reason death, destruction
and divorce.
So it's death to you, notphysically, but to your spirit,
because that's the first thingthat dies in a relationship is
your spirit.
Ah, destruction, destruction,because it tears up your life.
(41:05):
It tears up your life, it tearsup everything you're going.
That's happening.
It starts touching your career,it starts touching your kids.
All of that starts getting hitand divorce.
That's the final straw.
That in itself is devastatingand you don't want to get there.
So, yes, let's do what we can toavoid those things.
(41:26):
How do we avoid those things?
We have the conversations thatwe need to have.
That is a big piece.
Communication, communication isnot a bad word, and people
don't understand whatcommunication really is.
It's not not just oh, I talk,do you listen?
Do you hear what people aresaying to you?
Now here's a way to really knowthat someone is saying can you
(41:46):
tell me what I said?
Tell me what you think I said.
That's a question you need toask everyone who you have a
conversation with.
Tell me what you think I said,because people's perception of
what you're saying to them isnot necessarily what you're
actually trying to get across.
Speaker 1 (42:07):
So be clear on what you're saying to people.
My Lord, there's something inthat recap, recap.
Say that back, tell me no, no,no, no.
I'm saying there is somethingin that recap, like you just
said, to repeat that, toliterally lean into somebody and
say that back to me.
What did I just say?
Yes, that's a thing for me.
What did I just say?
(42:30):
I don't want to repeat it.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (42:33):
I just said, my Lord, that's telling you what they
heard.
Because different people hearthings differently.
They, our perceptions aredifferent, our experiences cause
us to have.
It's like that little kids gamewhere they go around, they tell
the secret all around.
By the time he gets to theother side, it's a whole nother
thing.
Because they hear differently,we hear things differently and
(42:54):
we need to be clear on what thepoint is we're trying to get
across.
So I'm going to ask you what doyou think?
I said, okay, wait, wait, wait,wait.
But then when they don'tunderstand, don't get mad Just
because they repeated back intheir tone and the way they felt
that they heard it, don't getmad.
Say well, no, go back and try toclarify what you're trying to
(43:16):
say.
And in the process, it's aconversation.
Anger needs to be removedbecause that makes it worse,
because at that point peoplebegin to shut down when voices
get raised and things getbrought on the portion.
But it's a conversation, justokay.
Well, I wasn't actually sayingthat I want you to go beat up
Ray Ray.
I wasn't saying that.
What I was saying is he is thereason I'm upset right now.
(43:40):
So I think it's best that westay away from Ray Ray.
So just what he heard, becauseI heard he made you mad.
You're not happy and all, and Ithink it's time for me to go.
No, that's not what I said.
That's not what I said.
That's what you heard.
So clarify what you are tryingto say to the other person.
Male or female, husband, wife,child, children oh yes,
(44:03):
definitely with your children,definitely with your children.
Clarify, because kids will hearall kinds of stuff and be
specific, because kids thesedays love to play word games.
Be very specific with them andhave conversations with your
kids.
Don't be scared to talk to yourkids.
Don't be.
Your kids are listening, evenwhen you don't think they are.
They listen to every singlething you say and they watch
(44:26):
every single thing you do.
So be mindful of that.
The things you do within yourown circle, the things you do
within the house, professionally, they're looking at all of that
.
So just be mindful.
That's communication.
Whether you're communicatingverbally or non-verbally, it's
all communication and people aretaking all of that in.
Speaker 1 (44:47):
I'm glad you said communicating verbally, because
earlier you said you have tolisten to what people say.
What do you think about?
Because I know for me it's bigfor me to watch what you do,
because I know that some people,what they say, what they do,
(45:09):
they're not matching, they'reclashing.
It's like wait, they're notjust syncing up, it's not
syncing up.
What you said and what you didis not syncing up.
How do you address someone?
And they're literally, asyou're talking to them, they're
saying no, that's what I said,and you're like, yeah, but
that's not what you did.
Speaker 2 (45:31):
So you express that, say it, don't hold back.
Let me say this is what youwalked over there and you told
that girl she had a big oldbooty, but you you told me that
you didn't look at her booty,but you just walked over there
and told her but, but, baby, atthat, your actions, yes, are
(45:53):
speaking louder than your wordsat that moment.
Be very realistic with people.
Be people get scared to callother people out on their bull.
Okay, like, let's haveconversations.
I don't have to be mad at you,I don't have to be angry with
you to have the conversationabout.
Well, you told me that you weregoing to be here or you were
(46:18):
going to do this, but yet youdidn't.
And what happens is peopleforget that.
Oh, what you say and what youdo, people will forget, but how
they made you feel, that's thatthing you remember and that's
the thing that you have to getacross that what you did and
what you said, this is what itmade me feel.
(46:39):
So, regardless of what youthink, it's how I felt.
So that's how I interpreted it,because it's what you made me
feel.
So we got to get past this fearagain, back to that word fear
of being open and honest aboutwhat it is we want, how we want
to say it and when we want tosay it.
(47:00):
Don't be mad, we don't have tobe nasty, we don't have to get
loud, we don't have to be angry,but we need to get our point
across in a way that theyunderstand.
This is the effect that whatyou said and or did had on me.
That's the effect.
We need to communicate that toeach other.
We're failing in that area.
Speaker 1 (47:22):
We need to communicate that to each other.
We're failing in that area.
Communicating clearly.
It sounds like TD.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
Jakes, I just reposted something he said and
he said listen, you have tospeak with.
You have to speak without beingoffensive and you have to
listen without being defensive.
Very much so that that's.
But that's the arena that we'rein and too much.
See, we're all on the offenseright now and and we're all
trying to I said that wrongwe're all in a defensive right
now.
Quite frankly, a lot of us arein defense right now, trying to
(48:04):
like maneuver and back away andmake sure that we don't get hurt
and that nothing else comesinto our space to give us, cause
us any kind of angst.
But we got to slow down and wegot to take a moment to just be
in that moment, hear from peopleand express what we're hearing.
Again, that goes back toexpressing what we think we
(48:26):
heard.
Because again, we get sodefensive because we think we
heard something.
Ask the question Did I hear youcorrectly?
Because, again, that's going totell you who somebody is.
If they say, well, yeah, that'swhat I said.
Oh, okay, let me go away then,because that might not be what I
wanted.
Or, oh, let me lean in becausethat's, I need to hear more of
this.
But we are so, we're soprogrammed to, to not ask
(48:52):
questions, to to just sit andlet people go on and on and on
and not ask those questions, andwe walk away from things with
bits and pieces of what peoplesaid, never truly hearing the
full expanse or asking thequestions so we can understand
everything that they've justsaid to us.
That is the purpose ofconversation.
(49:12):
That is why we were given theselinguistic abilities, so that
we can actually understand eachother and fully sit with each
other.
Like it hurts my heart when Ithink about the way people could
be so much better if they justtook the time to really listen
(49:33):
to one another and talk to oneanother.
For the longest time, I harboredso much anger and frustration
at one of my siblings.
He's not here with us anymore,but in that time before he
(49:56):
passed, I did have anopportunity to just sit and have
conversations with him and Irealized that the real problem
wasn't that he disliked me.
He literally was freakingbipolar Like he.
Finally it finally came out.
But how did it come out?
Because we sat and we talked.
I listened, he spoke, we haddialogue back and forth and it's
(50:18):
like have you considered thepossibility that maybe?
Ah, okay, let's explore thissome more.
Do you want help with that?
Walking with people?
We're scared to walk withpeople.
We're scared to walk withpeople.
We put people out there allalone.
It's wrong.
(50:39):
It's so wrong Like we need tobe able to walk with each other
and again have those deepconversations with each other to
be able to help each other togrow and get beyond.
Like you said, tdj's had thatmessage out there about
listening and having theconversations.
(50:59):
We don't do enough of that.
We don't do enough of that.
We don't do enough of that.
We hear a little piece and werun with it.
Let's stop doing it.
Let's go back.
Let's go back, let's look.
Let's look deeper, let's seethe whole.
Let's see the whole skit.
Let's figure out what the wholething was.
It was really meant by that.
We can do do more of that.
(51:19):
We need to do more of that.
Speaker 1 (51:22):
That's amazing.
Td Jakes ended that snippetwith him saying and walk away,
leaving people with theirdignity.
That's powerful.
Speaker 2 (51:41):
That means you had a very respectful conversation.
You weren't rude.
Even if you disagreed, youagreed to disagree in a very
respectful manner.
That's not what we do thesedays.
That's not what we do thesedays.
I'm watching an artist who is aChristian, who is being beaten
(52:03):
up right now by a mainstreamartist, and it's so painful to
watch because this person isliterally the.
It's so funny to me becausehe's coming the Christian artist
is coming from a place of loveand you can hear it.
He's like let's sit down andbreak bread, let's have a
(52:25):
conversation about this, and theother artist is just well,
until you do x, y and z anduntil it's so aggressive, it's
so aggressive and I'm like allwe need to do is sit down and
have a conversation.
Why has it got to go?
Let's take this out of socialmedia.
Let's go put this in a spacewhere the two of us can sit down
(52:47):
as men and just have aconversation to truly understand
where the other one is comingfrom.
In the end, we may agree, wemight not, but at least we took
the time to try to have thatconversation.
That was needed To avoid someof the things that could lead to
more dangerous and more hostilesituations.
(53:08):
Take the time to just have aconversation.
So easy, so easy, but we refuse.
We absolutely refuse.
And my goal is to get morepeople to talk.
And my goal is to get morepeople to talk, just talk.
Speaker 1 (53:38):
Just talk about where you are.
Start with, right where you are.
Start there, start here, rightnow.
Where are you Change your life?
Change your life so healthySelf-worth.
We're ending on the topic ofself-worth.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
How do you help people find that I hit something
, oh you did, you did, you tookme back to a moment with my mom,
so I knew I was meant to dothis work a long time ago.
I've been fighting away fromthis work.
When I was little, my motherused to tell me I would bring
anyone and everyone home becauseI would help them.
(54:14):
I didn't believe anyone.
There's no such thing as anugly person in my opinion.
There's no such thing as youcan't help someone.
Everyone can be helped and Iwould bring everybody home to
try to help them.
And I had an experience with mymother.
My mother, um, suffered withdepression, severe depression
(54:39):
actually, and she tried tocommit suicide at one point.
And at that point I was about10, I think about 10, 11 years
old, and I literally rememberrunning down the alleyway
because there's an alleyway nextto our house after my mother,
(55:00):
and grabbing her and bringingher in the house and sitting her
down, and at that point Ididn't know a whole lot of
scripture.
I still don't know a whole lotof scriptures.
I can go to the Bible and findevery single thing I need, but I
can't quote all the scriptures,but this one scripture, it was
heavy in my mind and it was asfor me and my house.
We shall see the lord.
(55:20):
And I sat her down, I said thatscripture to her and I said,
mom, we can't serve the lord ifyou're not here.
I am in your house, I need youhere, I need you here.
She stuck around for me as longas she could, but her self-worth
had been beaten up.
(55:41):
She had a rough time After mygrandfather passed.
My grandmother was not as niceto her as she should have been.
She was good to her, don't getme wrong, but some of the things
she would say.
My mom would try to put makeupon and she would tell us she
(56:03):
looked like a clown.
My mother was a very caringperson.
She always made sure otherpeople were taken care of long
before she was.
She didn't understand theconcept of you can't pour from
an empty cup, the concept of youcan't pour from an empty cup.
She had no clue of how that,what that really meant, because
(56:24):
she was always pouring, pouring,pouring to her own detriment,
to her own detriment, down tothe point that the day she died,
the day before she died, shehad a diabetic.
She went to a diabetic coma,got better, came home.
When she came home, that nextshe's up cleaning the house for
everybody else and I'm like, mom, slow down, you can't do that.
(56:46):
You need to take care of you.
Oh, I'm okay, ma.
You just went through thiswhole experience.
You were just in the hospital,sit down that night.
She went back to the hospitaland I got a call that she didn't
make it and she didn't comeback home.
I'm sorry.
(57:11):
So lesson learned from herlesson that I've learned in my
life is that you can take careof people, but you can't to your
own detriment.
You need to take care of you.
Self-care, self-worth, becausethat's the first step.
You can't have self-care if youdon't have self-worth.
What do you mean to you?
What is your value?
I tell people all the time youknow they ask that question on
(57:31):
certain things, like when youtalk to people have you ever
thought about committing suicide?
No, I love myself too much tothink about harming myself.
That's my favorite line to say,because I realized I do love me
.
You might not like me all thetime.
Speaker 1 (57:44):
Right.
Speaker 2 (57:45):
I love me, some me.
I love me, some me.
I love sitting quietly withmyself.
I love spending time alone withmyself Because I've learned to
love me.
I haven't always loved me, Ihaven't.
I can acknowledge that.
I can acknowledge that Iallowed my body to be abused and
(58:09):
used in manners in which itshould not have ever been.
But when you know better, youdo better, and I know a whole
lot better now and I've learnedthat that is part of your
self-worth, that is, knowingthat this body, it matters.
Everything you do to it,everything you say to it,
everything you put in here, allthat goes into who you are and
(58:33):
how much you value yourself.
All the more reason why I goback to we need to talk to
people who will build us up, whowill uplift us, who will
encourage our minds to help usbuild that self-worth that we
may not have.
Help us find it.
Find it within yourself,because it's in there.
We all have it in us, butsometimes it takes a little more
(58:55):
digging to get to it than othertimes.
We just have to be willing tolet someone in so we can find it
, because without it it's death,it leads to death.
Speaker 1 (59:06):
My goodness.
Without it, it leads to death,destruction and divorce.
My Lord, I think that statementapplies to more than just
marriage, because you candivorce somebody in a friendship
, you can divorce a sibling andnever talk to them.
(59:26):
You can divorce you knowsomething that you really really
love to do and just say, listen, I'm never going to do that
again.
And you're never really feeling, feeling whole, because you
divorced.
Something happened and therewas a death, and then there was
the destruction of it, and thenthere was just I got to get away
, can we?
Speaker 2 (59:45):
say that Ma'am, that's a whole word by itself.
Ok, that's a whole word.
Speaker 1 (59:59):
Yes, my gosh.
All right, ma'am, I am honoredthat you came through to drop
the wisdom and knowledge for abetter life.
I would like for you to sharewith the people the confident
you tribe, how they can have theamazing opportunity to work
(01:00:25):
with you.
Speaker 2 (01:00:27):
Certainly.
Well, I'll say, first of all, Ican be reached at info for you,
info at your kindred connection, and that's connection with the
K dot com, at your Kendrickconnection, and that's
connection with the K dot com.
Or I can be reached onInstagram at your underscore
Kendrick connection Again,connection with the K, and I
(01:00:50):
want you to reach out to me tohelp you find that confidence
that you need to help you buildthe relationships you need to
have, the conversations you needto have, help you build the
relationships you need to have,the conversations you need to
have.
You may have situ.
I'm a coach, I'm Coach K.
Let's just see, I'm just goingto say it like that.
I am Coach K.
My desire is to help you on asoul level to prosper, to find
(01:01:12):
that potential within yourselfthat you just don't even know.
You have to help you craft thelife and the circumstances that
you want for yourself.
That is my desire, that is mygoal for everyone that I
encounter, to help them have abetter life and find peace.
But on a soul level.
We're put here to do so muchmore and I just want to help
(01:01:37):
more and more people find that.
That's my goal, that's mydesire, and I hope that you'll
reach out to people, find thatthat's my goal, that's my desire
and I hope that you'll reachout to me for that opportunity
and we can work together.
I thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:01:48):
And I thank you.
We thank you.
Thank you for coming through.
I pray that the confident youfamily definitely listened,
definitely listen, and thequestions that they have they
reach out and ask you.
I hope that they fill your DMswith questions that will help
(01:02:10):
them to get the guidance thatthey need so that they can
connect and learn how to havethat healthy dialogue to a
healthier life.
I really do appreciate youjoining us.
Thank you so much for answeringthe call.
Thank you for having me on.
Speaker 2 (01:02:30):
I enjoyed this so much.
Speaker 1 (01:02:34):
Yes, we enjoyed you, thank you, thank you, thank you,
listen, everyone, confident you, tribe, listen.
We are building the network,the network that we need to live
healthier lives, and I justwant to let you know that if you
are suffering at the hands ofdomestic violence, you can call
(01:02:58):
Bethany House, ask for Tiffany.
The number there is1-888-80-HELPS, that's 4-3-5-7-7
.
If Tiffany doesn't answer,anyone there on her staff is
there to help you make a planfor a better life for you and
(01:03:20):
your children.
Listen if that number.
There's also another numberthat we have.
That is the National DomesticViolence Hotline.
That's 1-800-799-SAFE, that's7233.
If you are suffering at thehand of domestic violence, help
(01:03:40):
is here.
All right, everyone.
Please don't forget to like,share, subscribe and follow.
I will see you listen in theafter party.
Coach K doesn't even know we'regoing to be talking personally
with her about her relationshipand finding out some intimate
details on how she met herhusband.
(01:04:02):
Definitely want to tune in.
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