Welcome back to your beacon of empowerment, the "Confident You, Fam"!
Why do those who seem to do the most harm glide through life unscathed? Brianna Latrice, the infidelity coach, returns to the fold to challenge this perplexing question, bringing her unique insights and bold new projects to the table. Our exchange cuts deep into the nature of human behavior, morality, and the pain that seems to evade the wicked. We're also peeling back the curtain on imposter syndrome, providing you with the tools to combat those nagging doubts, inspired by Brianna's enlightening TEDx talk.
This episode is a heartfelt journey through the treacherous terrain of trust — what it means to rebuild it and the delicate balance between forgiveness and healing. Together with Brianna, we traverse the milestones of setting realistic goals and fostering communication for those navigating the aftermath of betrayal. We unpack the role that life coaches, mentors, and the individuals involved play in maintaining forgiveness while wisely navigating past triggers. It's about walking the line between remembering and moving forward.
As we wrap up our discussion, we invite you into the world of healing after infidelity, a landscape Brianna is profoundly familiar with. You'll hear about the resources she offers, from discovery coaching calls to boundary-setting ebooks, and get a sneak peek into her upcoming events, including a devotional book and the Dallas-Fort Worth 'Dancing Through Love' event. The conversation is an affirmation of self-worth and the possibility of life beyond betrayal, setting the stage for the next season, where we'll continue to uplift and inspire with special guests like Shay.
CHAPTERS:
0:00 - Introduction to Briaina Latrice
2:00 - Understanding Lysa's Story
7:19 - Unpacking the Myth: Evil People and Pain
13:58 - Trust Rebuilding Criteria
18:20 - Expectations vs. Reality in Relationships
21:50 - Overcoming the Past: Strategies to Move Forward
27:10 - Dealing with a Remorseless Partner
29:45 - Self-Worth Realization Techniques
38:04 - Healing from Mutual Infidelity
41:30 - Revenge Dynamics in Relationship Recovery
44:10 - Infidelity Impact on Children
49:04 - Afterparty Details and Invitation
51:10 - Connecting with Briaina Latrice
55:00 - Concluding Confidence Boost
58:14 - Farewell Outro
CONTACT:
Book A Free Discovery Call: https://calendly.com/affairrecoverycoach/15min?month=2023-07
Website: https://lifeafterinfidelity.net/
Email: affairrecoverycoach@gmail.com
Phone: 469-956-9979
FOLLOW ON:
TikTok and Instagram: Life_After_Infidelity_
FREE E-BOOK:
Boundaries: A Playful Journey To Relationship Bliss - Questions E-book: https://tinyurl.com/Boundary-Ebook
COMING SOON:
Devotional: Healing the Heart From Infidelity, A 49 Day Journey
Book: Where Healing Wants You To Be: Life After Infidelity Vol 1
EVENT:
Dancing Through Love on Feb 10, 2023
PODCAST:
Life After Infidelity Podcast
https://www.youtube.com/@UCde6r8RV_Dc1Tcbx81pkJAQ
_________________________________________________________________
FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELP
Call for more information on domestic abuse or to get help for yourself/someone you love.
Bethany House
1-888-80HELPS
1-888-804-3577
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799- SAFE
1-800-799-7233
__________________________________________________________________
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey, marian Swingler, confident you Podcast.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for believing inyourself enough to press the
button to go.
You know what I need?
To get some more confidence inthis area.
I actually want to make surethat if someone comes to me, I
have more confidence in thisarea.
(00:24):
Confidence to speak on thesubject of why evil people don't
hurt.
Now, I know that sounds a bitout there.
You're like wait, what Evilpeople don't hurt?
Yes, we are about to talk aboutthis, but for this discussion I
had to bring someone back.
There was only one person thatI wanted to have this
(00:47):
conversation with.
She's actually my girl.
We started talking and I waslike wait, pause, we're going to
bring this to the confident youaudience.
So, coming back from episode 22,.
If you have not seen episode 22, you are definitely missing a
valuable component.
If you are in relation, in arelationship thinking about
(01:09):
being in a relationship you'rein marriage, thinking about
marriage.
Listen, there is a component ofmarriage that you don't want
but you have to be able to seeclearly.
So that is she is theinfidelity coach.
It's amazing.
Who needs a coach for that?
(01:29):
Someone who's been hurt,someone who doesn't understand
what's going on.
So this is why I brought herback for this conversation,
because just we were talking andI was like, well, evil people
don't hurt.
And she's like wait, I have anopposite thinking of this.
So bringing back the one, theonly, the amazing, listen,
(01:52):
phenomenal woman.
She is Brianna Latrice.
Hi Hello hello, hello, youbeautiful.
Listen.
I want to remind my audienceexactly who you are.
Listen, brianna is acaptivating TEDx speaker.
Listen, founder of Life AfterInfidelity and a fair recovery
(02:21):
coach.
Listen, and a fair recoverycoach.
Listen.
An affair recovery coach howprofound.
And host of Life AfterInfidelity podcast.
Listen.
The reason she is sowell-versed, the reason that she
has the insight that she has,is because of her own personal
(02:42):
experience.
That's why she's here today.
I have some personal experienceand she has some personal
experience, but hers.
She has fine-tuned and hornedin on exactly what it means to
be an affair recovery coach andI'm honored that you would take
the time to join us yet again.
(03:03):
How are you, donna?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
I'm doing well, would take the time to join us yet
again.
How are you, donna?
I'm doing well.
Thanks for having me back.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
No problem at all.
I appreciate you answering thecall to come back and discuss
this topic of why evil peopledon't hurt Now, before, don't
nobody need you.
Yes, I had to get real, real,don't make that face.
(03:30):
Don't make that face we'regoing to get into it.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
You already know how I feel.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yes, I know, but they don't know.
But before we even get intothat, I want you to tell people
just a little bit of the thingsthat you've been doing since
episode 22.
What is it that you have beenup to?
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Oh, yes, so well.
Yeah, I had lunch my podcastwhen we when we did our episode,
yeah, Wrapping up my 49 daydevotional, and so I'm excited
because at the top of 2024, I'llbe releasing my first book and
actually put an author behind myname.
(04:09):
So that will be exciting.
I'm getting ready to launch myfirst event.
So if you're in the Dallas area, february of 2024 is actually
going to be February the 10thI'm going to be doing a dancing
event called Dancing ThroughLove.
So if you're a woman you lovedancing, or you don't love
(04:30):
dancing, but you just want to bearound a lot of women and learn
how to love on yourself andlove your body, come on out to
the Dancing Through Love event.
And other than that girl juststaying busy, you know promoting
life after inf, infidelity,finishing up this book and
trying to help save the worldtrying to help save the world.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
You know, I just want y'all to know how modest she is
.
Please let them know what yourted talk was on.
Oh, what did I do?
What did I do because?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
people always tell me this stuff all the time.
They're like you just startedgiving yourself credit for
everything that you do.
I was just in another uhpodcast episode and the girl was
she said the same thing.
She was like wait, you have atedx too.
I was like, okay, I okay, yeah,so, um, I also have a tedx talk
out.
Um, and it actually was overimposter syndrome and I love the
(05:24):
name.
It's called Dear ImposterSyndrome.
It's the lie for me.
And so, yeah, I have a TEDxtalk and it's over imposter
syndrome.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Oh, no, no, no, no, no In the ebook.
Yeah, no, no, no, yes, no, no,no.
You're going to give me just alittle bit.
Hey, what did I do?
I don't deserve what Ted gotyou.
Give the confident you audiencejust a little bit.
Sum it up, just just just ataste.
(05:53):
So that's all right, let's hearit.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Okay, so, yeah, so, um, in the TEDx talk I you know,
I just talked about, like forthe most part, um, a lot of
overachievers.
What is imposter syndrome?
Right, it's basically wherepeople who are really successful
actually doubt themselves andfeel like they're an imposter.
So typically you'll see that,like in overachievers.
Maya Angelo actually talkedabout how she always felt like
(06:20):
she was an imposter, even thoughshe had the proof in the
pudding.
Right, Everybody in the worlddoesn't know Maya Angelou and
she even talked about that, andso in the TEDx talk, I just kind
of give you some tips and toolsfor how to be aware of if you
are dealing with impostersyndrome, but then how to combat
those thoughts, because thething is, the proof is in the
(06:42):
pudding, and so just trying tohelp overachievers to stop
doubting themselves and helpingthem to know that if they're in
the room, it's because they'redeserving to be in the room.
It doesn't have anything to dowith, you know, needing some DEI
numbers to be up and stuff likethat, but you are definitely
deserving of the space that youare in because you've worked
hard to be in that space.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
You worked hard to be in that space.
You worked hard to be in thatspace.
You are definitely deserving tobe in that space.
Well, we welcome you here.
You are definitely deserving tobe in this space in this time,
with us discussing why evilpeople don't hurt, and you shake
your head nay okay.
(07:32):
So this is why I say evil peopledon't hurt.
I don't, uh, I don't even, um,mean it in the sense of that
people are evil, because I knowthat that, uh, ephesians 6, 12s
talk about.
We wrestle not againstprincipality of flesh and blood,
(07:56):
but against principalities andpowers and might, and so I know
that there is a spirit.
And what I mean by don't hurtis have you ever let me give
this example to the affairrecovery coach have you ever
(08:19):
been cheated on and then youjust felt like that person
didn't feel anything.
You're asking questions andthere's just a blank look there.
So that's where I'm referencingthat statement, why evil people
don't hurt.
Because I just want toinvestigate how they can just
(08:42):
stand there, anyone who's beencheated on, and the person is
nonchalant about it, or theyjust the sorry is so empty and
you feel that there's no weightto the apology.
That's what I mean by evilpeople don't hurt.
(09:03):
But you even brought it closerto home with the title of your
ted talk imposter syndrome.
Do you think that there's asuch thing as, as I did it and I
really didn't mean to do it Idid it, I didn't mean to do it.
(09:26):
I did it, I didn't mean to doit, or I did it and I didn't
mean to do it in terms ofhurting you, did you just get?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
killed.
I did.
I took a very, very deep, deepbreath, because you know what I
think.
If the person comes to you,then yeah, I think that I could
buy that a little bit in termsof I didn't mean to hurt you.
(10:05):
If they just come out and sayit, because what that tells me
is like, okay, they've thoughtabout it, it's killing them
inside and I just want to getthis.
You know, I want to get thisout in the open and move forward
, hopefully restore therelationship.
But if you found out about yourother person, you know you
caught your person, and thenthey say that I think what
(10:28):
they're really saying is that Ididn't mean to get caught.
Ok, ok, I mean, that's how Itake it.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Ok, well in the stay in the vein of why evil people
or the evil deeds that people do, they don't really hurt from
them.
Your faith was not one inagreement in the statement that
I made evil people.
Can you explain why?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
yeah, so you know, what I said was that evil people
do hurt.
They just show it differently.
So, instead of like where youhave a lack of you know, where
you have empathy and compassionand understanding, that is
typically voided in people whoare still hurt.
You know what I'm saying.
And so it seems like they havethis thick skin and they're able
(11:22):
to move past stuff and nothingshakes them, but it's not
because, honestly, they can'tmove on, because they're
battling with their own internalyou know I won't say demons,
but their own internal monstersinside of themselves.
And so you know, when you saythey don't hurt, they actually
do hurt.
It's just that they're hurtinginside.
It's just that they're hurtinginside.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Okay, with them hurting inside.
How much compassion am Isupposed to have?
Because I have literally havehad conversations with people
who have been cheated on, maleand female, and they have said I
have been a part of theconversation and have said,
listen, that person who cheatedhad no remorse whatsoever.
(12:08):
There was kind of a arrogantand like what did you expect?
Look at me, or what did youexpect?
It's me, or what did you?
You know, what did you expect?
You're not doing this or that,or not available, or whatever it
is, but there's always a a, butI don't feel a hurt, I don't
(12:32):
feel remorse, I don't feel seeit's, it's not evident.
I don't see any evidence ofpain.
How do you, how, how do you ofpain?
How do you, how, how do you?
You're sitting there, you havebeen bawling.
(12:54):
We won't say me.
I can say me bawling, crying,snot running down my face.
Are you laughing?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
at my hey, no, no, no , I'm laughing at the memories
because I've been there too.
Friend, did you say?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
isn't it a beautiful thing you, oh, that's so, that's
so beautiful.
I'm laughing at the memory.
Okay, we'll talk about thehealing of that.
We'll talk about the healing ofthe.
I have been there and I knowhow that feel.
I have been there for peopleand seen them go through it and
(13:33):
I just know how that feels tohave that nonchalant disregard.
So that's why I'm like evilpeople or that evil deed that
someone just did.
It seems as though it appearsas though all the evidence
points to you know, you're nothurting, you don't care, this
(13:54):
isn't bothering you.
How do you guide people in asituation as a recovery coach
for infidelity?
How do you?
How do you guide people throughlooking at someone who's
showing no remorse?
Speaker 2 (14:13):
yeah, um.
So there is a thing like where?
Um, because you know, mytagline is removing the shame of
your decision to leave ourstate, because I, you know, I
don't subscribe to the beliefthat once a cheater, always a
cheater.
There have been lots ofmarriages that you know have
started, you know, have hadinfidelity in them but have
(14:34):
since healed and are better,honestly, because of those
infidelities, right, um, butwhat I always teach my clients
is you really need to learn.
If that can't, if that personis a candidate to rebuild trust
with.
And I've learned that a lot ofpeople are lacking how to
determine if this person is agood candidate to rebuild trust
(14:56):
with.
And so what that looks like isthere's a couple of things.
The first thing isaccountability.
The first thing isaccountability.
So, when you know the betrayalis brought up to the person, how
do they respond?
Is it I, I, I, I, I, or is ityou, you, you, you, you, right?
(15:17):
And so a lot of times, if it'syou, you, you, you, you, meaning
that your partner is puttingall the blame on you for why
they cheated, for why theystepped away, and this doesn't
deal with infidelity.
I had another woman, I was at aconference, speaking, and she
came up to me and she was like Iwant you to know that my
husband hasn't cheated on me,but it's ending in divorce.
(15:37):
And she was like but whatyou're teaching applies to me as
well, and if I would have knownthis, it would have implied to
me as well, and if I would haveknown this, it would have
implied to me.
So, just know, this doesn'tjust apply to infidelity, but
accountability.
So when you bring up, you know,an offense to your partner, how
do they respond to that offense?
You know, um, so do they takeaccountability?
The second part to that is arethey really trying to understand
(16:00):
where you're coming from, youknow, and how that offense has
truly made you feel, right?
So are they downplaying theoffense of like oh well, look at
me.
Oh well, you weren't giving mesex at home.
Oh well, you know, look how youdress every day, you know?
Are they really trying tounderstand how this offense has
affected you, right?
(16:21):
Um?
The third part, which I honestlybelieve is one of the most
important pieces to this, isability, right, and basically
what that means is that doesthis person have the ability to
be the partner that you want tobuild with and grow a future
with, because that's the, that'sthe space that a lot of um, I
(16:46):
don't really deal with a lot ofmen, so I'm I'm speaking to what
I, you know, what I know, andit's women, and that's the space
that, um, a lot of women dealwith is that they get stuck in
the letting go and they staystuck in situations longer than
they should have.
And so when you see how a personis responding or how a person
(17:08):
is treating you, but yet westill continue to, you know, you
know, we've all been there westay in relationships longer
than, and we know they don'thave the capacity and the
ability to be who we want themto be or to be what we desire
out of any type of relationshipand shoot even friendships right
.
And so then, um, the last partto that is um and girl look, I'm
(17:30):
making sure I want to give them, because I actually um revamped
them a little bit, but then, um, the next part to that is a
track record.
So, after you guys have talkedabout all of these things,
what's the track record?
Are they actually followingthrough with the things that you
said that you need from them?
Are they actually honoring, youknow the request that you've
(17:51):
asked in order to rebuild and torestore the trust, whatever it
was that broke it things.
There's a lot of um, like a lotof steps within those four that
I just listed out, but it'sdefinitely like a whole process
of learning.
If this person you know, youcan rebuild with them.
(18:14):
Rebuild okay.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Learning if you could rebuild trust with them is very
important.
That track record, how what?
I apologize, but I'm crackingup on the inside because I know
what I want to say.
I want to make sure it comesout the way I mean it to come
(18:36):
out.
What is the percentage?
What is the realisticpercentage of what you want?
After you've said that, whatshould you really expect If
someone has been this way forthis long?
How much should you expectBecause I don't do.
(18:58):
You think that you're justgoing to see 100% of?
Okay, here we go.
The track record has totallymade an adjustment.
What is that ratio looking like?
Speaker 2 (19:11):
yeah.
So you're saying like as far aslike it's not going to be an
immediate result, or right, likewhat's the graduation through
through that progress?
Speaker 1 (19:21):
yeah, that's a really good question.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I'm glad you asked that because, for sure, that's a
really good question.
I'm glad you asked that,because, for sure and that's one
thing that I always talk about,right Is that trust trust isn't
built overnight and alsounderstanding that forgiveness
and trust are two completelydifferent things.
Right, so you forgive theperson, that means that you're
(19:43):
forgiving them for the offense.
However, that does not meanthat the trust is completely
restored.
Okay, two separate things.
So I forgive you for the, forthe offense.
So that's basically thestarting line.
Right, because I'm cutting off,you know, holding you
responsible in a sense, for theoffense, right?
(20:05):
So that's, I'm cutting that off.
Right?
However, you're starting nowwhere you have to rebuild that
trust.
And we all know, right, when weget into new relationships and
I'm talking about friendships,partnerships, business ships,
work ships you know you don'tjust start off trusting them
100% of the time, right?
So there's small things that Ihave them work towards to see if
(20:31):
, hey, you're going to honorthat thing, right.
And so you start off with smallthings because you're not
supposed to give your heart allthe way to this person who has
betrayed it once, right?
So in order to protect yourself, you have to start off really
small, and so what they do isthey typically have the
conversation.
Or I'll have my client have theconversation with her partner
(20:52):
about what are the things thatshe needs to see right now.
Right, that can be like someimmediate gratification.
I need you to find anaccountability partner or a
mentor, right.
Or find you a life coach,because a lot of them will say,
hey, I have a life coach that'shelping me and our fair recovery
coach is helping me.
I need you to go find you one,right, and that's it One step
(21:14):
right.
And then you say, okay, whencan I expect this to be done?
Or you can say, hey, threeweeks, let me know how it goes,
you finding something.
If they come back to you inthree weeks and they haven't
even started looking, theyhaven't put forth no effort.
You know, I'm saying that's atrack record, that's letting me
(21:35):
know, okay, they're not seriousabout investing in this.
And so when you talk aboutrebuilding trust, rebuilding
trust happens incrementally overtime.
You can forgive.
Building trust happensincrementally over time.
You can forgive.
You no longer hold that offenseagainst them, but that doesn't
mean that the trust iscompletely restored.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
How do you, as the person you're saying, you no
longer hold that offense againstthem?
How do you help yourself to notdo that?
I know people that bring thingsup, constantly, bringing up the
(22:13):
past after saying I forget.
How would you help guidesomeone in that situation from
doing that, from keep let's stop.
If you say you for forgiven.
This is what it looks like.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
See, and that's the thing, I kind of hate saying it
that way, because people willalways be like, oh, she's saying
that you need to.
Just you know, don't bring itup to you know, anything like
that.
And that's not what I'm sayingright.
Because you're going to havetriggers and those triggers are
going to come back up, right,but here's what that looks like
Because, again, if you have aperson that has shown you that
(22:52):
he takes accountability, thathas shown you that he
understands, that has shown youthat he has the ability to
rebuild that trust right, whenyou do what you do is you guys
have this conversation and thisis actually one of those baby
steps that we talk about too islike like, hey, I'm going to be
triggered and when I'm triggered, I'm going to text you and let
(23:15):
you know.
Hey, I'm having a moment rightnow.
Um, how can you reassure me?
Right, and that's uh, actuallysomething that I just had happen
with another client is, uh, shedecided to stay with her
partner and they, they actuallyworked it out.
He is a great person.
He is doing so much better.
It's just, it's amazing.
(23:36):
It makes me excited.
But she did, she would actually,they had, they had that
conversation and she even toldhim.
She said, hey, I'm working onmy healing journey and at that
time, she hadn't even forgivenhim yet and she was like, I'm
working, going forgiving you,but you instead of me, when I am
triggered, responding in anger,you know, and calling you up
(23:57):
and talking crazy to you youknow what I'm saying and yelling
and screaming.
Here's what that's going tolook like If I hit you up and I
just text you and I'm like, hey,today I'm having a bad day,
I've been triggered by that.
I heard a song, or you know.
I remember the text message thatI saw that you sent the girl,
and then they talk about okay,well, what do you need from me
(24:17):
when you need those triggers?
Because, at the end of the day,it's really just about
communication.
So you have to learn how tocommunicate with your partners
so that you can because this isgoing to be difficult, right,
rebuilding trust after betrayalof any kind is going to be
difficult, and you have to knowhow to communicate.
So you have to have that opencommunication.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
Open communication is definitely something you need
in every relationship.
Just as you said, how do youopen communication again with
that person that I feel thisevent was something that was
evil towards me, or that's how Ifelt after it happened.
(25:04):
But I just feel like you're nothurt, i'm'm not getting any any
, any remorse, I'm not feelinganything.
How do I then communicateanything to that person, or is
there a limit to how much I'meven trying to communicate to
that person?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, so you're saying that the person has
created an offense against you,but they don't have any remorse
for what they've done?
Speaker 1 (25:29):
yes um.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
So my answer to that would be you don't you know?
If that person has shown youthat they have a lack of remorse
for you and how you are as aperson, then it is time for you
to acknowledge the truth to youand say hey, it's time for me to
make this hard decision toleave this relationship.
(25:56):
And again, that's where I say,like, a lot of people stay in
situations longer than theyshould because they find it hard
to let go.
You know what I'm saying andthat's the thing.
I think that in in any form ofbetrayal, we all have to do a
bit of self-reflection as well,and we all have to look at the
(26:17):
facts of like, okay, well, howis this person responding, you
know?
And then you have to say, okay,this person isn't showing that
he care for me or she cares forme.
You know, I'm saying are myfeelings.
And so that's when you have tohave that hard conversation with
yourself and say look, Ideserve better, I deserve more.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
And it's going to be hard, but I'm gonna walk away
from this yes, yes, yes, it isgoing to be hard, but I'm going
to walk away from this.
Do you feel like there is asituation or a statement that
you can give to the person thatstays?
The person that stays and theperson is still in a
(26:57):
disrespectful state?
I don't.
I think it's beyond disrespect.
It's at some point you have tojust feel yeah, you have to feel
the abuse of the situation.
How do you guide someonethrough?
What does that look like?
(27:21):
When you say you have that hardconversation with yourself?
How do you guide someonethrough that hard conversation
with yourself?
Mm, hmm.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Mm.
Hmm, you just state the factsof the reality, right?
So what that would look like isOK, brianna, the person that
I've chosen to stay with, I'veasked them to do X, y, z to make
me feel seen, to make me feelvalidated, to make me feel
secure, and they haven't donethat.
(27:52):
So what is it in me that isallowing myself to be mistreated
to this capacity by this person?
You know, what is it in me thatis attracted to wanting to stay
in something that I am gettingtreated less than?
(28:13):
Why am I afraid?
What is this fear of leavingconnected to?
What is this fear rooted in?
What is this fear attached to?
Why can't I leave, knowing thatthis person isn't showing up
and giving me what I said that Ineed and you know those are
hard questions to really askyourself.
(28:33):
But you have to ask yourselfand you have to be true and
accepted right, Because that'sthe first thing is, you have to
be truthful with yourself andyou have to state it.
Look, I've tried to make it workwith this person.
I've said I wanted to stay withthis person, but the reality is
that this person is stilltreating me like a dog.
This person is still cheatingon me, and at what point am I
(28:57):
going to look at myself and lovemyself enough to say you don't
get to treat me less than what I.
You know what I, what I knowthat I deserve.
You know what I, what I knowthat I deserve.
There's a saying that says youwill allow people to treat you
one step lower than you treatyourself.
(29:18):
So if you allow people to walkall over you treat you like dirt
.
Then I have to ask you what arethe things that you're saying
to yourself in your alone timeand your quiet time in your mind
?
Work on that.
See who you are, see yourself,and once you learn how to love
yourself, then it's then, thenthen you you won't allow anybody
(29:41):
else to treat you less than youtreat yourself.
There it is.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Once you learn how to love yourself.
How do you help someone evensee that?
I know people, that it'ssaddening to me to be in the
(30:14):
presence of someone who does notsee their greatness, to the
magnitude, to the, to the depthsthat they put themselves under
in every situation, in everysituation.
How do you help that personeven understand?
Okay, you're looking at me andyou saying, oh, you deserve this
and you deserve that, and you.
But then, when you talk aboutyourself, you're smiling.
(30:37):
What do you want to say?
Speaker 2 (30:42):
I just love the question.
I see where you're going, soI'm just like I love it.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Yeah, cause you're talking to yourself, you're
talking so it's like you'rederogatory, it's, it's now I'm,
because I'm speaking into.
What you're saying is, if youdon't see the value in yourself,
then why would you expectsomeone to treat you any more?
I can't say better than the wayyou're treating yourself, but I
(31:09):
don't know any other term tosay in this moment how can you
allow someone?
Why would you think anyonewould?
But then I look at the person.
They don't think that Mm-hmm,mm-hmm.
What do you do in thoseinstances, instances, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, do you do in thoseinstances instances.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah, how do you get someone to see themselves, the
value in them?
How do you help someone to seethemselves?
Because you know, if someonegets cheated on and that's my
good girlfriend, she coming toher other good girlfriend and
you're sitting there like dude,but you're amazing, you're this,
you're that, you're and you'retrying to convince them how do
(31:56):
you get them to see it?
Is there an exercise?
Is there something?
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Yeah.
So typically, you know,depending on what level, what
state of mind they're in, Imight ask a couple of different
questions, right?
And so one question that I loveto ask people is what are you
angry at?
You know, because what you'llfind is that women who've been
(32:27):
cheated on they suppress so much, right, that they haven't
really gotten to the core ofwhat they're truly angry at
right.
I was at a conference.
I was speaking at a conferencea couple of weeks ago and a lady
got up to ask me a questionbecause her husband had cheated
(32:51):
on her and, you know, she brokedown after I got through
answering her question.
She just broke down, right, andso I got off of the stage and I
went down to her and I was likeyou're angry, aren't you?
And she was like yeah, and Iwas like, well, what are you,
aren't you?
And she was like yeah, and Iwas like, well, what are you
(33:12):
angry about, you know?
And she's just crying, and I'mlike I said, what are you angry
about?
And I was like you're angrythat he cheated on you, right?
She was like, yeah, I was likeyou're angry that he left with
the other woman and didn't staywith you, right.
Yeah, I was like you're angrythat you lost your baby and he
still hasn't hit you up to say,hey, how are you doing after the
loss of our child, right?
And she was like yes, and I waslike, so, say all the stuff
(33:34):
that you're angry about?
And she was like I'm angry thatyou broke me, I'm angry that
you hurt me, I'm angry that youdidn't choose me.
And that is where you get to seeyourself, because for so long
you have been living in theshadows of fakeness, you have
been living in the shadows ofthis mask, where you're making
yourself appear like you, gucci,like you moved on, like you've
(33:58):
healed.
And so that's why I say hurt,people haven't moved on.
Hurt, people haven't seenthemselves.
They're living in a mask andshowing up in that hurt.
They're living in a mask andshowing up in that hurt, but
that hurt is so broken that thehurt that they're doing to other
people doesn't even penetratethrough them.
And so what does it look like?
(34:18):
It's allowing me to show themand to pull out all of the
things that they really feel,all of the things that they're
ashamed of, all the things thatthey're hurt about, all the
things that they're embarrassedat.
I get them to call those outand then, once they release that
, we got an empty canvas and wecan start the healing.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
Come on here, we got an empty canvas and we can start
the healing.
Listen, where's the paint?
She ready, she ready.
Listen, where's the paint?
She ready, she ready, listen,yes, mona Lisa Ricasso.
Speaker 2 (34:54):
Ricasso yes.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
So I what?
What does that look like?
You start painting.
What's the first step?
What is the first thing you get?
You now have this blank canvas.
What do you get?
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Acceptance.
So, after you know, they callit out.
So you know, I call it a pityparty is what I call it.
I call it a first step of pityparty, which is allowing them to
call out you know everythingthat they're angry about, their
hurts.
Letting them just cry it allout.
And then the next part to thatis just accepting it right and
(35:38):
having you to state it hey, mymarriage ended in infidelity, my
husband cheated on me.
But it takes a lot to get therewhere you can actually start
sharing your story with otherpeople.
But for you, the first step isto actually accept it Right.
And so once you accept, likeeverything that has happened,
(35:58):
that means that you'veacknowledged it Right, because
we can't fix what we don'tacknowledge.
So now that you've accepted itand it shows that you're
acknowledging it, then we cannavigate towards going back
again and looking at thosethings of like okay, well, why
did I attract that type ofperson?
Why did I allow that behaviorfor so long?
(36:18):
What you know in asking thosereally deep rooted questions,
what is this that this fearattached to?
Is it rejection that I'mdealing with, that I have an
issue with?
Is it abandonment?
Because we all know that a lotof things always go back to,
like those childhood wounds,right, and mine was rejection
and abandonment.
(36:38):
So that's why I kind of bringthose up a lot, but really kind
of getting down to the, to thecore of okay, what is it?
And then from there, you know,just navigating through it like
okay, one of the things that Ihave a worksheet that I have my
clients do too is askingthemselves questions about trust
(37:01):
.
You know how do they feel abouttrust, how does trust show up
in their lives?
Right?
What is their relationship withtrust?
You know, and just getting themto see that.
But the next thing isforgiveness.
But it's forgiveness of self,because we don't worry about
getting, we don't worry about Idon't worry about for my clients
(37:23):
forgiving the betrayer untillater on in the process.
But we can't do anything and wecan't move forward in any other
steps until they forgivethemselves.
And you have to forgiveyourself for everything.
Forgive myself for stayinglonger than I should.
Forgive myself for turning myhead when I would see you send a
text message to that chick andI didn't say anything.
(37:45):
Forgiving you, forgiving myselffor going back when I said I
was done the fifth time and Istill took you back and you
still cheated.
You know what I'm saying.
There's so many things thatyou're angry with you at, and
you've got to learn how toforgive yourself for those.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
Okay, so let's back up just a little bit the
infidelity you find out aboutinfidelity in your marriage, in
your relationship, and then youturn ugly.
You start with infidelity inthe relationship.
(38:26):
How do you help someone whenthey did it as a get back?
Yeah, how does that have?
How does that?
What is the process ofunwrapping that to help someone
heal?
Look like, because I know it'syour mission to help people heal
(38:47):
from infidelity.
But what happens when ithappens to you and then you end
up taking up the same crime oh,baby, day seven in my 49 day
devotional is titled get yourlick back.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
Well, it's titled get my lick back, right, but you
know it actually addresses that.
It addresses exactly what yousaid.
Um, because a lot of people areso hurt I was actually.
I actually did a call with aclient and she was like I'm not
gonna lie to you, brianna, I didget my lick back, you know, and
my question always is oh, how'dthat make you feel?
Speaker 1 (39:26):
How'd that work out for you Go?
Speaker 2 (39:28):
I'm sorry I had to interrupt you may be, drink, yet
everybody who has told me thatthey've gotten their lick back
and cheated back on theirpartner because their partner
cheated on them, tells me thatit did not help their hurt, so
(39:50):
responding with revenge, youthinking that you're going to
get up on them.
It's.
It's never as satisfying as youthink it is and in the end it
actually causes you more pain ahyou know, what type of pain are
you referring to?
(40:11):
um, because let's say, even ifyou want to rebuild the trust
back, so now y'all both gottafigure, you know like, but now
y'all both have to, and youlearn that you you've just built
a hole deeper for therelationship, right, um, and
like I said, it's, it's not,it's not making you feel any
(40:33):
better from the previous offense, you know.
And so now you're, you're, morebroken because you're confused
about okay, yeah, I slept withthis dude, but now you gotta
come.
Not only are you now dealingwith your hurt, now you're
having to deal with yourpartner's hurt and convince your
partner that xyz didn't meananything to you.
(40:53):
And so now what you're creatingis what was something that was
hurtful and that couldpotentially potentially, you
know, you guys could workthrough.
Now you're creating this toxicsituation, right, and that
becomes almost like unbearable,where you just it just becomes
(41:14):
toxic.
You know I gotta go on and onabout that, but yeah, you, you,
typically, when you try torespond with revenge, you just
make the situation worse and itnever makes you feel as better
as you, as you thought it wouldmake you feel okay.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
Have you ever dealt with someone you were talking
about revenge.
Have you ever dealt withsomeone who took the revenge out
in a different manner?
Someone cheated and then youdid a financial transaction that
was just again abusive to therelationship, because you knew.
(41:51):
You knew this money was setaside for this, or it was for
the car that was being saved,for, the home that was being
saved for, and now you have justplummeted the finances and now
they have to be rebuilt, or it'sjust a deeper trench that you
put yourself in.
How do you see that playing outor recovery from something like
(42:13):
that?
Speaker 2 (42:16):
So I haven't dealt with that personally, but it's
funny because I have a friendthat's a therapist and one of
her clients is dealing with thatbecause you know he cheated and
then, um, so now she's spendingall of the money, but they have
kids, you know, and um, it'slike at the end, at the end of
(42:38):
the day, like, why would you putyourself through?
Like because you're sufferingas well and if you have kids,
your kids are suffering as well,like if you're going in debt
because you think that you'regetting your partner back by
going and buying something thatyou guys know that you can't
afford.
It's like to me, it shows methat that's where your mindset
(42:59):
is, and so it.
You're not.
You're not looking atrestoration, right, you're just
looking at revenge.
And that would be where becausethat would be where I would even
look at the betrayer and say,look, they toxic too.
You know, I'm serious becauseit's like I get it that you know
(43:24):
, when we're hurt and a lot oftimes we don't necessarily think
about our actions and thingslike that, because we just want
the other person to hurt as badas we're hurting.
But I think that when you don'tconsider, like, how that could
affect, you know your housingsituation, where you going to
sleep and eat.
You know it's like I don't,because I haven't necessarily
(43:46):
dealt with that as a client, butI would say that to me, when
you make decisions like that,that um affects more than you um
, and especially if you havekids, it can affect your kids,
like you're showing that youyou're you're selfish as well
and you you're not caring aboutrestoration.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Hmm, Selfish as well and not caring about restoration
.
How do you think this plays outon the children that are there?
Do you find that the havingchildren component?
Do you find that people willstay because of children longer
(44:27):
in infidelity?
How do you help someone who'son that path?
Speaker 2 (44:35):
yeah, most women do stay longer because of their
children, but one of the thingsthat I'm finding and that I'm
telling my women is that yourkids already know.
So, to me, what I, what I'mlearning right from the women
that I'm working with, is thatthey use the kids as a crutch,
but really they're afraid toleave.
(44:56):
But it's easy, because theyhave kids to say, oh, I'm
staying for my kids.
No, you're not, you're justafraid to leave, and so that's
what we're going to tackle.
We're're gonna tackle the fearbehind you leaving.
Um, I even had a client a coupleof weeks ago tell me that her
parent her kids came to her andwas like mommy, we know you're
(45:18):
sad, we know what dad is doing,you know what I'm saying and, um
, she was just talking about howher anger has been trickling
down to her kids, like she'sbeing angry with them now and
you know, just snappy and um,her kids.
They brought it to herattention and I've I've heard
that a lot of times where peoplehave been like, why are you
(45:40):
still with dad, you know, and soI would say that you can't,
don't use your kids as a reasonfor why you're staying, and I'm
having our brother, shay Williscome on my show, because that's
one thing too is that a lot ofwomen that I'm working with, too
, who are afraid to leaveespecially they have kids, is
(46:03):
because of finances Right, andif you have a toxic partner,
they may threaten you withfinances and say they're not
going to help support, and sowhat I do is work with my
clients on getting a safety plantogether.
So how can you prepare toactually leave?
And so we develop a safety plan, and that's one of the things
(46:24):
that Shay is going to come onand talk about is getting that
budget in order.
You know what I'm saying Makingsure your numbers and
everything are in a row so thatyou can leave, you know, and not
have to worry about anythingfinancially from that, from that
other partner.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
My goodness, shay's coming on there, that's going to
be an episode.
Speaker 2 (46:47):
That is going to be amazing yeah, because a lot of
women talk about that.
They're like I want to leave,but he is the sole um, you know,
income in the house and I won'tbe able to make it by myself,
and so that's why I'm stayingand that's that's valid right.
But no one should have to stayin a situation where they're
(47:08):
severely unhappy because offinances and so just developing
that safety plan to get youprepared.
Now, when I left but again Ididn't have kids, but when I
left my partner and this wasjust like the first time I left
them I only had ten dollars tomy name.
I only had $10 to my name, somy mom had to finish paying,
like my cell phone bill.
(47:29):
One of my cousins cashed at mea big sum of money to get me
through the rest of the month.
One of my close friends took meto the grocery store and
brought me groceries for therest of the month, so I just
made the decision to leavebecause I couldn't take it
anymore.
But other people don't.
But I say that to say this whenyou do make the decision to
step out on faith, god is goingto bring those blessings to you,
(47:53):
and so a lot of times we'reoverthinking things and all God
is saying is I want you to trustme, don't look at.
You know saying don't look atthe present, don't look at what.
What is saying right now.
Just step out on faith.
And that's what I did.
I did, I stepped out on faith.
I didn't know these folks wasgonna stand up for me and help
me get through, but they did.
(48:13):
When I made the bold decisionthat I was done, walk by faith
and not by sight.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
My goodness, I think that is a perfect end to this
conversation.
I do want you to join me in theafter party.
I do have a question.
You said you worked with aclient and her partner who
(48:43):
cheated on her, is now you knowthey've moved past the
infidelity and he's doing well.
You literally said I'm happywith the progress he's making.
My question being I'm glad hecheated.
Listen, I want to talk aboutI'm glad he cheated.
Yep.
You said, yeah, okay, good.
(49:04):
So in the after party I want toaddress I'm glad he's cheated
and also how to have that hardconversation.
You keep saying have thatconversation, have that
conversation.
I actually want to go throughwhat the components of that
conversation should be for thathard conversation.
(49:24):
And you also said the firsttime I left yeah, we're going to
get into that.
We're going to get into that.
Join us in the after party.
Listen, brianna Latrice, Iappreciate you coming through
and yet again giving more valueto the Confident you podcast
(49:44):
audience.
Most people think they gothrough things and they're the
only ones going through.
So I pray that this lands onthe heart of someone going
through this situation or afriend of someone who's going
through this situation andthey're able to understand.
Listen, you're not the only one.
Don't think you're special inthat way.
(50:06):
No, ma'am, no, no, ma'am.
You're looking at two peopleright here.
You've heard plenty of stories.
We've referred to friends andclients and friends with clients
.
It it's never-ending process ofof of examples that we can pull
(50:27):
from.
Listen, yeah, holly Barry sayEric, and they cheated.
Um, janet Jackson said that, um, domain debris, he admitted to
cheating.
So if you feel as though you'rethe only one and that you're
that, I don't want to.
I guess special is all I cansay that you're that unique and
(50:49):
that special that only this ishappening to you.
This is an untruth.
I pray that this is a safespace where, if you have any
additional questions, put themin the comments.
I'm going to go back, we willgo back and we will come back
and address any other concernsor questions that you have.
I thank you again for joiningus, but before you get out of
(51:11):
here, I want you to share witheveryone the amazing things.
I just it, just I'm bubblingover with joy all of the amazing
things that you're doing andthat you have going on, the
opportunities that they willhave to work with you, please,
yes.
Speaker 2 (51:28):
Please, yes, okay, so you guys, you can follow me on
Instagram at life underscoreafter underscore infidelity
underscore.
You know I post really helpfulvideos on there.
On that page you can also go tomy website at
lifeafterinfidelitynet and youcan get free.
(51:52):
You can sign up for a freediscovery coaching call.
I also have a free ebook.
It's about boundary setting andit's a fun way to set
boundaries with your partner,and so if you're interested in
getting a copy of that, the URLis on there.
But then you can also send me atext message and just text
(52:14):
ebook, right, free ebook, and Ican get you the ebook as well.
You can also go on the websiteand book a free 15 minute
discovery call with me and let'ssee if we're a good fit to work
with each other.
Discovery call with me andlet's see if we're a good fit to
work with each other.
Like I mentioned at the top ofthis year, my first book,
killing the Heart fromInfidelity a 49 day devotional,
(52:37):
will be coming out.
So definitely follow me onInstagram and TikTok at life
underscore after underscoreinfidelity on TikTok as well,
because I'll be giving you guysupdates and things about that,
about the release of that book,and then you guys please go and
follow me on my podcast, lifeAfter Infidelity, and you can
(53:01):
find that on YouTube, applePodcasts, spotify, all the
things.
I'm everywhere, y'all I I'm outthere and if you are in the dfw
, the dallas, fort worthmetroplex, follow me as well,
because I'll have my eventcoming up on saturday, february
the 10th um 2024, and it isdancing through love.
(53:23):
So I would definitely love foryou to um come out and be a part
of that, and those are the manyways you can stay connected
with me.
Speaker 1 (53:34):
And yeah, those are the many ways you can stay
connected.
Y'all saw her have me up hereworking my little fingers out,
getting all this information out.
When I say my girl is out herewith it, I need you to say this
one.
I need you to say this one.
Speaker 2 (53:49):
I need you to say that, oh, we're not going to do
that so after my um, the 49 daydevotional lunches, I'll be
launching the volume one of myfirst book, where healing wants
you to Life After Infidelityvolume one.
And so I'm excited about thatbook because what that book does
(54:12):
is it tells you stories of likewhat a person is going through
in infidelity and then at theend of each story, I give you
tips and tools on how tonavigate that particular
experience or situation.
And then I also have guidedmeditations at the end of each
chapter as well to go with that.
(54:33):
And I do wanna say, as far askilling the heart from
infidelity, that is not a bookthat is solely for people who
have been cheated on.
If you have a loved one thathas been cheated on, I encourage
you to cop the book as well,because it's going to put you in
the mindset of what they aregoing through and how you can
best support them.
Speaker 1 (54:55):
All right, my goodness, going to put you in
the mindset.
My goodness, I'm honored thatyou were here with us yet again.
I want to know if you can givejust a few confident tips.
Listen for that woman who'sjust found out, for that friend
(55:15):
who was just told what thatfirst looks like.
I know a lot of people.
They're like don't cry, don'tcry, girl.
You better than him, girl, howdo you get it out cry?
Speaker 2 (55:35):
um, you know, but, but that's for real.
What I would say is this thoughum, do not make any decisions,
so do not feel like you have totell the betrayer what you're
thinking at that moment.
You do not have to tell thebetrayer if you're going to take
(55:56):
them back or if you're done.
The best thing you can do,because you're wrapped up in
your own emotions and you're inso much pain, is that you don't
ever want to make a decisionwhen you're in a traumatic state
.
So the best thing you can do isnot to feel pressured.
You know, because you know toour friends will tell us to what
(56:17):
you're going to do.
They'll come at you.
What you're going to do, girl,what you're going to do, are you
better than me?
You better than me?
Honey?
I'd be gone.
Like I tell my clients, you'rein a processing season right now
, and that is okay.
You're processing your feelings, you're processing your
emotions and you're processingyour decisions.
You don't owe anybody anydecision or any any.
(56:42):
Yeah, you don't owe anybody anyexplanation for what you're
going to do right now.
You just you're just in aprocessing season and that is
okay you're in a processingseason and that is okay.
Speaker 1 (56:55):
Yes, it is, indeed, it is.
Thank you yet again for comingto join us.
Uh, please check out life afterinfidelity podcast.
You have your next episodedropping.
When and when will shay be onthere?
Speaker 2 (57:15):
um, so my episodes drop every monday at 7 am so you
can have some good to listen towhen you're on your ride home.
And then, um, so I do batchcontent.
So, so I'm starting back seasontwo in December, and so Shay
will be on in 2024, beginning of2024.
Speaker 1 (57:36):
All right, all right, I appreciate you yet again.
Thank you for coming to sharethe value that you have for the
women that have been, for thosethat have been cheated on, for
those friends who need to beable to help their friends
Better maneuver through.
You don't want to give illadvice In this moment, so
(57:56):
definitely listen to thisepisode and take these notes and
it will help you at least guideyour friend, if you're a real
friend.
You don't want to add to theissue, so that part.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
So we'll see you in the after.
Speaker 1 (58:07):
You don't want to add to the issue.
So, yeah, that part.
So we'll see you in the afterparty.
Thank you, latrice, give mejust a moment.
Brianna.
Yes, alright, everyone, thankyou so much.
Please like, share, subscribe,follow.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at Marian Swingler,
(58:31):
and as well at confidentuunderscore podcast.
While underscore, there's somuch more coming.
If you are suffering at thehands of domestic violence or
you know someone who is, pleasecall Bethany House at
1-888-80-HELPS, that is, 43577,or call the National Domestic
(58:58):
Violence Hotline at1-800-799-SAFE at 7233.
Everyone, have a blessed day.
I pray that everything thatBrianna shared was definitely
something.
There was things there that youcan watch out for.
(59:20):
There are flags, there arethings that you can see in
situations so that you'll beable to get ahead of when people
do evil things to you and itseems as though they're not
hurting, but it's hurting you.
You just want to pay attentionfor those things.
All right, have a great one andsee you next time.
Hey, marian Swingler, confident you Podcast.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for believing inyourself enough to press the
button to go.
You know what I need?
To get some more confidence inthis area.
I actually want to make surethat if someone comes to me, I
have more confidence in thisarea.
(00:24):
Confidence to speak on thesubject of why evil people don't
hurt.
Now, I know that sounds a bitout there.
You're like wait, what Evilpeople don't hurt?
Yes, we are about to talk aboutthis, but for this discussion I
had to bring someone back.
There was only one person thatI wanted to have this
(00:47):
conversation with.
She's actually my girl.
We started talking and I waslike wait, pause, we're going to
bring this to the confident youaudience.
So, coming back from episode 22,.
If you have not seen episode 22, you are definitely missing a
valuable component.
If you are in relation, in arelationship thinking about
(01:09):
being in a relationship you'rein marriage, thinking about
marriage.
Listen, there is a component ofmarriage that you don't want
but you have to be able to seeclearly.
So that is she is theinfidelity coach.
It's amazing.
Who needs a coach for that?
(01:29):
Someone who's been hurt,someone who doesn't understand
what's going on.
So this is why I brought herback for this conversation,
because just we were talking andI was like, well, evil people
don't hurt.
And she's like wait, I have anopposite thinking of this.
So bringing back the one, theonly, the amazing, listen,
(01:52):
phenomenal woman.
She is Brianna Latrice.
Hi Hello hello, hello, youbeautiful.
Listen.
I want to remind my audienceexactly who you are.
Listen, brianna is acaptivating TEDx speaker.
Listen, founder of Life AfterInfidelity and a fair recovery
(02:21):
coach.
Listen, and a fair recoverycoach.
Listen.
An affair recovery coach howprofound.
And host of Life AfterInfidelity podcast.
Listen.
The reason she is sowell-versed, the reason that she
has the insight that she has,is because of her own personal
(02:42):
experience.
That's why she's here today.
I have some personal experienceand she has some personal
experience, but hers.
She has fine-tuned and hornedin on exactly what it means to
be an affair recovery coach andI'm honored that you would take
the time to join us yet again.
(03:03):
How are you, donna?
Speaker 2 (03:05):
I'm doing well, would take the time to join us yet
again.
How are you, donna?
I'm doing well.
Thanks for having me back.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
No problem at all.
I appreciate you answering thecall to come back and discuss
this topic of why evil peopledon't hurt Now, before, don't
nobody need you.
Yes, I had to get real, real,don't make that face.
(03:30):
Don't make that face we'regoing to get into it.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
You already know how I feel.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yes, I know, but they don't know.
But before we even get intothat, I want you to tell people
just a little bit of the thingsthat you've been doing since
episode 22.
What is it that you have beenup to?
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Oh, yes, so well.
Yeah, I had lunch my podcastwhen we when we did our episode,
yeah, Wrapping up my 49 daydevotional, and so I'm excited
because at the top of 2024, I'llbe releasing my first book and
actually put an author behind myname.
(04:09):
So that will be exciting.
I'm getting ready to launch myfirst event.
So if you're in the Dallas area, february of 2024 is actually
going to be February the 10thI'm going to be doing a dancing
event called Dancing ThroughLove.
So if you're a woman you lovedancing, or you don't love
(04:30):
dancing, but you just want to bearound a lot of women and learn
how to love on yourself andlove your body, come on out to
the Dancing Through Love event.
And other than that girl juststaying busy, you know promoting
life after inf, infidelity,finishing up this book and
trying to help save the worldtrying to help save the world.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
You know, I just want y'all to know how modest she is
.
Please let them know what yourted talk was on.
Oh, what did I do?
What did I do because?
Speaker 2 (05:02):
people always tell me this stuff all the time.
They're like you just startedgiving yourself credit for
everything that you do.
I was just in another uhpodcast episode and the girl was
she said the same thing.
She was like wait, you have atedx too.
I was like, okay, I okay, yeah,so, um, I also have a tedx talk
out.
Um, and it actually was overimposter syndrome and I love the
(05:24):
name.
It's called Dear ImposterSyndrome.
It's the lie for me.
And so, yeah, I have a TEDxtalk and it's over imposter
syndrome.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Oh, no, no, no, no, no In the ebook.
Yeah, no, no, no, yes, no, no,no.
You're going to give me just alittle bit.
Hey, what did I do?
I don't deserve what Ted gotyou.
Give the confident you audiencejust a little bit.
Sum it up, just just just ataste.
(05:53):
So that's all right, let's hearit.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Okay, so, yeah, so, um, in the TEDx talk I you know,
I just talked about, like forthe most part, um, a lot of
overachievers.
What is imposter syndrome?
Right, it's basically wherepeople who are really successful
actually doubt themselves andfeel like they're an imposter.
So typically you'll see that,like in overachievers.
Maya Angelo actually talkedabout how she always felt like
(06:20):
she was an imposter, even thoughshe had the proof in the
pudding.
Right, Everybody in the worlddoesn't know Maya Angelou and
she even talked about that, andso in the TEDx talk, I just kind
of give you some tips and toolsfor how to be aware of if you
are dealing with impostersyndrome, but then how to combat
those thoughts, because thething is, the proof is in the
(06:42):
pudding, and so just trying tohelp overachievers to stop
doubting themselves and helpingthem to know that if they're in
the room, it's because they'redeserving to be in the room.
It doesn't have anything to dowith, you know, needing some DEI
numbers to be up and stuff likethat, but you are definitely
deserving of the space that youare in because you've worked
hard to be in that space.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
You worked hard to be in that space.
You worked hard to be in thatspace.
You are definitely deserving tobe in that space.
Well, we welcome you here.
You are definitely deserving tobe in this space in this time,
with us discussing why evilpeople don't hurt, and you shake
your head nay okay.
(07:32):
So this is why I say evil peopledon't hurt.
I don't, uh, I don't even, um,mean it in the sense of that
people are evil, because I knowthat that, uh, ephesians 6, 12s
talk about.
We wrestle not againstprincipality of flesh and blood,
(07:56):
but against principalities andpowers and might, and so I know
that there is a spirit.
And what I mean by don't hurtis have you ever let me give
this example to the affairrecovery coach have you ever
(08:19):
been cheated on and then youjust felt like that person
didn't feel anything.
You're asking questions andthere's just a blank look there.
So that's where I'm referencingthat statement, why evil people
don't hurt.
Because I just want toinvestigate how they can just
(08:42):
stand there, anyone who's beencheated on, and the person is
nonchalant about it, or theyjust the sorry is so empty and
you feel that there's no weightto the apology.
That's what I mean by evilpeople don't hurt.
(09:03):
But you even brought it closerto home with the title of your
ted talk imposter syndrome.
Do you think that there's asuch thing as, as I did it and I
really didn't mean to do it Idid it, I didn't mean to do it.
(09:26):
I did it, I didn't mean to doit, or I did it and I didn't
mean to do it in terms ofhurting you, did you just get?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
killed.
I did.
I took a very, very deep, deepbreath, because you know what I
think.
If the person comes to you,then yeah, I think that I could
buy that a little bit in termsof I didn't mean to hurt you.
(10:05):
If they just come out and sayit, because what that tells me
is like, okay, they've thoughtabout it, it's killing them
inside and I just want to getthis.
You know, I want to get thisout in the open and move forward
, hopefully restore therelationship.
But if you found out about yourother person, you know you
caught your person, and thenthey say that I think what
(10:28):
they're really saying is that Ididn't mean to get caught.
Ok, ok, I mean, that's how Itake it.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Ok, well in the stay in the vein of why evil people
or the evil deeds that people do, they don't really hurt from
them.
Your faith was not one inagreement in the statement that
I made evil people.
Can you explain why?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
yeah, so you know, what I said was that evil people
do hurt.
They just show it differently.
So, instead of like where youhave a lack of you know, where
you have empathy and compassionand understanding, that is
typically voided in people whoare still hurt.
You know what I'm saying.
And so it seems like they havethis thick skin and they're able
(11:22):
to move past stuff and nothingshakes them, but it's not
because, honestly, they can'tmove on, because they're
battling with their own internalyou know I won't say demons,
but their own internal monstersinside of themselves.
And so you know, when you saythey don't hurt, they actually
do hurt.
It's just that they're hurtinginside.
It's just that they're hurtinginside.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
Okay, with them hurting inside.
How much compassion am Isupposed to have?
Because I have literally havehad conversations with people
who have been cheated on, maleand female, and they have said I
have been a part of theconversation and have said,
listen, that person who cheatedhad no remorse whatsoever.
(12:08):
There was kind of a arrogantand like what did you expect?
Look at me, or what did youexpect?
It's me, or what did you?
You know, what did you expect?
You're not doing this or that,or not available, or whatever it
is, but there's always a a, butI don't feel a hurt, I don't
(12:32):
feel remorse, I don't feel seeit's, it's not evident.
I don't see any evidence ofpain.
How do you, how, how do you ofpain?
How do you, how, how do you?
You're sitting there, you havebeen bawling.
(12:54):
We won't say me.
I can say me bawling, crying,snot running down my face.
Are you laughing?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
at my hey, no, no, no , I'm laughing at the memories
because I've been there too.
Friend, did you say?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
isn't it a beautiful thing you, oh, that's so, that's
so beautiful.
I'm laughing at the memory.
Okay, we'll talk about thehealing of that.
We'll talk about the healing ofthe.
I have been there and I knowhow that feel.
I have been there for peopleand seen them go through it and
(13:33):
I just know how that feels tohave that nonchalant disregard.
So that's why I'm like evilpeople or that evil deed that
someone just did.
It seems as though it appearsas though all the evidence
points to you know, you're nothurting, you don't care, this
(13:54):
isn't bothering you.
How do you guide people in asituation as a recovery coach
for infidelity?
How do you?
How do you guide people throughlooking at someone who's
showing no remorse?
Speaker 2 (14:13):
yeah, um.
So there is a thing like where?
Um, because you know, mytagline is removing the shame of
your decision to leave ourstate, because I, you know, I
don't subscribe to the beliefthat once a cheater, always a
cheater.
There have been lots ofmarriages that you know have
started, you know, have hadinfidelity in them but have
(14:34):
since healed and are better,honestly, because of those
infidelities, right, um, butwhat I always teach my clients
is you really need to learn.
If that can't, if that personis a candidate to rebuild trust
with.
And I've learned that a lot ofpeople are lacking how to
determine if this person is agood candidate to rebuild trust
(14:56):
with.
And so what that looks like isthere's a couple of things.
The first thing isaccountability.
The first thing isaccountability.
So, when you know the betrayalis brought up to the person, how
do they respond?
Is it I, I, I, I, I, or is ityou, you, you, you, you, right?
(15:17):
And so a lot of times, if it'syou, you, you, you, you, meaning
that your partner is puttingall the blame on you for why
they cheated, for why theystepped away, and this doesn't
deal with infidelity.
I had another woman, I was at aconference, speaking, and she
came up to me and she was like Iwant you to know that my
husband hasn't cheated on me,but it's ending in divorce.
(15:37):
And she was like but whatyou're teaching applies to me as
well, and if I would have knownthis, it would have implied to
me as well, and if I would haveknown this, it would have
implied to me.
So, just know, this doesn'tjust apply to infidelity, but
accountability.
So when you bring up, you know,an offense to your partner, how
do they respond to that offense?
You know, um, so do they takeaccountability?
The second part to that is arethey really trying to understand
(16:00):
where you're coming from, youknow, and how that offense has
truly made you feel, right?
So are they downplaying theoffense of like oh well, look at
me.
Oh well, you weren't giving mesex at home.
Oh well, you know, look how youdress every day, you know?
Are they really trying tounderstand how this offense has
affected you, right?
(16:21):
Um?
The third part, which I honestlybelieve is one of the most
important pieces to this, isability, right, and basically
what that means is that doesthis person have the ability to
be the partner that you want tobuild with and grow a future
with, because that's the, that'sthe space that a lot of um, I
(16:46):
don't really deal with a lot ofmen, so I'm I'm speaking to what
I, you know, what I know, andit's women, and that's the space
that, um, a lot of women dealwith is that they get stuck in
the letting go and they staystuck in situations longer than
they should have.
And so when you see how a personis responding or how a person
(17:08):
is treating you, but yet westill continue to, you know, you
know, we've all been there westay in relationships longer
than, and we know they don'thave the capacity and the
ability to be who we want themto be or to be what we desire
out of any type of relationshipand shoot even friendships right
.
And so then, um, the last partto that is um and girl look, I'm
(17:30):
making sure I want to give them, because I actually um revamped
them a little bit, but then, um, the next part to that is a
track record.
So, after you guys have talkedabout all of these things,
what's the track record?
Are they actually followingthrough with the things that you
said that you need from them?
Are they actually honoring, youknow the request that you've
(17:51):
asked in order to rebuild and torestore the trust, whatever it
was that broke it things.
There's a lot of um, like a lotof steps within those four that
I just listed out, but it'sdefinitely like a whole process
of learning.
If this person you know, youcan rebuild with them.
(18:14):
Rebuild okay.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Learning if you could rebuild trust with them is very
important.
That track record, how what?
I apologize, but I'm crackingup on the inside because I know
what I want to say.
I want to make sure it comesout the way I mean it to come
(18:36):
out.
What is the percentage?
What is the realisticpercentage of what you want?
After you've said that, whatshould you really expect If
someone has been this way forthis long?
How much should you expectBecause I don't do.
(18:58):
You think that you're justgoing to see 100% of?
Okay, here we go.
The track record has totallymade an adjustment.
What is that ratio looking like?
Speaker 2 (19:11):
yeah.
So you're saying like as far aslike it's not going to be an
immediate result, or right, likewhat's the graduation through
through that progress?
Speaker 1 (19:21):
yeah, that's a really good question.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
I'm glad you asked that because, for sure, that's a
really good question.
I'm glad you asked that,because, for sure and that's one
thing that I always talk about,right Is that trust trust isn't
built overnight and alsounderstanding that forgiveness
and trust are two completelydifferent things.
Right, so you forgive theperson, that means that you're
(19:43):
forgiving them for the offense.
However, that does not meanthat the trust is completely
restored.
Okay, two separate things.
So I forgive you for the, forthe offense.
So that's basically thestarting line.
Right, because I'm cutting off,you know, holding you
responsible in a sense, for theoffense, right?
(20:05):
So that's, I'm cutting that off.
Right?
However, you're starting nowwhere you have to rebuild that
trust.
And we all know, right, when weget into new relationships and
I'm talking about friendships,partnerships, business ships,
work ships you know you don'tjust start off trusting them
100% of the time, right?
So there's small things that Ihave them work towards to see if
(20:31):
, hey, you're going to honorthat thing, right.
And so you start off with smallthings because you're not
supposed to give your heart allthe way to this person who has
betrayed it once, right?
So in order to protect yourself, you have to start off really
small, and so what they do isthey typically have the
conversation.
Or I'll have my client have theconversation with her partner
(20:52):
about what are the things thatshe needs to see right now.
Right, that can be like someimmediate gratification.
I need you to find anaccountability partner or a
mentor, right.
Or find you a life coach,because a lot of them will say,
hey, I have a life coach that'shelping me and our fair recovery
coach is helping me.
I need you to go find you one,right, and that's it One step
(21:14):
right.
And then you say, okay, whencan I expect this to be done?
Or you can say, hey, threeweeks, let me know how it goes,
you finding something.
If they come back to you inthree weeks and they haven't
even started looking, theyhaven't put forth no effort.
You know, I'm saying that's atrack record, that's letting me
(21:35):
know, okay, they're not seriousabout investing in this.
And so when you talk aboutrebuilding trust, rebuilding
trust happens incrementally overtime.
You can forgive.
Building trust happensincrementally over time.
You can forgive.
You no longer hold that offenseagainst them, but that doesn't
mean that the trust iscompletely restored.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
How do you, as the person you're saying, you no
longer hold that offense againstthem?
How do you help yourself to notdo that?
I know people that bring thingsup, constantly, bringing up the
(22:13):
past after saying I forget.
How would you help guidesomeone in that situation from
doing that, from keep let's stop.
If you say you for forgiven.
This is what it looks like.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
See, and that's the thing, I kind of hate saying it
that way, because people willalways be like, oh, she's saying
that you need to.
Just you know, don't bring itup to you know, anything like
that.
And that's not what I'm sayingright.
Because you're going to havetriggers and those triggers are
going to come back up, right,but here's what that looks like
Because, again, if you have aperson that has shown you that
(22:52):
he takes accountability, thathas shown you that he
understands, that has shown youthat he has the ability to
rebuild that trust right, whenyou do what you do is you guys
have this conversation and thisis actually one of those baby
steps that we talk about too islike like, hey, I'm going to be
triggered and when I'm triggered, I'm going to text you and let
(23:15):
you know.
Hey, I'm having a moment rightnow.
Um, how can you reassure me?
Right, and that's uh, actuallysomething that I just had happen
with another client is, uh, shedecided to stay with her
partner and they, they actuallyworked it out.
He is a great person.
He is doing so much better.
It's just, it's amazing.
(23:36):
It makes me excited.
But she did, she would actually,they had, they had that
conversation and she even toldhim.
She said, hey, I'm working onmy healing journey and at that
time, she hadn't even forgivenhim yet and she was like, I'm
working, going forgiving you,but you instead of me, when I am
triggered, responding in anger,you know, and calling you up
(23:57):
and talking crazy to you youknow what I'm saying and yelling
and screaming.
Here's what that's going tolook like If I hit you up and I
just text you and I'm like, hey,today I'm having a bad day,
I've been triggered by that.
I heard a song, or you know.
I remember the text message thatI saw that you sent the girl,
and then they talk about okay,well, what do you need from me
(24:17):
when you need those triggers?
Because, at the end of the day,it's really just about
communication.
So you have to learn how tocommunicate with your partners
so that you can because this isgoing to be difficult, right,
rebuilding trust after betrayalof any kind is going to be
difficult, and you have to knowhow to communicate.
So you have to have that opencommunication.
Speaker 1 (24:40):
Open communication is definitely something you need
in every relationship.
Just as you said, how do youopen communication again with
that person that I feel thisevent was something that was
evil towards me, or that's how Ifelt after it happened.
(25:04):
But I just feel like you're nothurt, i'm'm not getting any any
, any remorse, I'm not feelinganything.
How do I then communicateanything to that person, or is
there a limit to how much I'meven trying to communicate to
that person?
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, so you're saying that the person has
created an offense against you,but they don't have any remorse
for what they've done?
Speaker 1 (25:29):
yes um.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
So my answer to that would be you don't you know?
If that person has shown youthat they have a lack of remorse
for you and how you are as aperson, then it is time for you
to acknowledge the truth to youand say hey, it's time for me to
make this hard decision toleave this relationship.
(25:56):
And again, that's where I say,like, a lot of people stay in
situations longer than theyshould because they find it hard
to let go.
You know what I'm saying andthat's the thing.
I think that in in any form ofbetrayal, we all have to do a
bit of self-reflection as well,and we all have to look at the
(26:17):
facts of like, okay, well, howis this person responding, you
know?
And then you have to say, okay,this person isn't showing that
he care for me or she cares forme.
You know, I'm saying are myfeelings.
And so that's when you have tohave that hard conversation with
yourself and say look, Ideserve better, I deserve more.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
And it's going to be hard, but I'm gonna walk away
from this yes, yes, yes, it isgoing to be hard, but I'm going
to walk away from this.
Do you feel like there is asituation or a statement that
you can give to the person thatstays?
The person that stays and theperson is still in a
(26:57):
disrespectful state?
I don't.
I think it's beyond disrespect.
It's at some point you have tojust feel yeah, you have to feel
the abuse of the situation.
How do you guide someonethrough?
What does that look like?
(27:21):
When you say you have that hardconversation with yourself?
How do you guide someonethrough that hard conversation
with yourself?
Mm, hmm.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
Mm.
Hmm, you just state the factsof the reality, right?
So what that would look like isOK, brianna, the person that
I've chosen to stay with, I'veasked them to do X, y, z to make
me feel seen, to make me feelvalidated, to make me feel
secure, and they haven't donethat.
(27:52):
So what is it in me that isallowing myself to be mistreated
to this capacity by this person?
You know, what is it in me thatis attracted to wanting to stay
in something that I am gettingtreated less than?
(28:13):
Why am I afraid?
What is this fear of leavingconnected to?
What is this fear rooted in?
What is this fear attached to?
Why can't I leave, knowing thatthis person isn't showing up
and giving me what I said that Ineed and you know those are
hard questions to really askyourself.
(28:33):
But you have to ask yourselfand you have to be true and
accepted right, Because that'sthe first thing is, you have to
be truthful with yourself andyou have to state it.
Look, I've tried to make it workwith this person.
I've said I wanted to stay withthis person, but the reality is
that this person is stilltreating me like a dog.
This person is still cheatingon me, and at what point am I
(28:57):
going to look at myself and lovemyself enough to say you don't
get to treat me less than what I.
You know what I, what I knowthat I deserve.
You know what I, what I knowthat I deserve.
There's a saying that says youwill allow people to treat you
one step lower than you treatyourself.
(29:18):
So if you allow people to walkall over you treat you like dirt
.
Then I have to ask you what arethe things that you're saying
to yourself in your alone timeand your quiet time in your mind
?
Work on that.
See who you are, see yourself,and once you learn how to love
yourself, then it's then, thenthen you you won't allow anybody
(29:41):
else to treat you less than youtreat yourself.
There it is.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Once you learn how to love yourself.
How do you help someone evensee that?
I know people, that it'ssaddening to me to be in the
(30:14):
presence of someone who does notsee their greatness, to the
magnitude, to the, to the depthsthat they put themselves under
in every situation, in everysituation.
How do you help that personeven understand?
Okay, you're looking at me andyou saying, oh, you deserve this
and you deserve that, and you.
But then, when you talk aboutyourself, you're smiling.
(30:37):
What do you want to say?
Speaker 2 (30:42):
I just love the question.
I see where you're going, soI'm just like I love it.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
Yeah, cause you're talking to yourself, you're
talking so it's like you'rederogatory, it's, it's now I'm,
because I'm speaking into.
What you're saying is, if youdon't see the value in yourself,
then why would you expectsomeone to treat you any more?
I can't say better than the wayyou're treating yourself, but I
(31:09):
don't know any other term tosay in this moment how can you
allow someone?
Why would you think anyonewould?
But then I look at the person.
They don't think that Mm-hmm,mm-hmm.
What do you do in thoseinstances, instances, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (31:29):
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, do you do in thoseinstances instances.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Yeah, how do you get someone to see themselves, the
value in them?
How do you help someone to seethemselves?
Because you know, if someonegets cheated on and that's my
good girlfriend, she coming toher other good girlfriend and
you're sitting there like dude,but you're amazing, you're this,
you're that, you're and you'retrying to convince them how do
(31:56):
you get them to see it?
Is there an exercise?
Is there something?
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Yeah.
So typically, you know,depending on what level, what
state of mind they're in, Imight ask a couple of different
questions, right?
And so one question that I loveto ask people is what are you
angry at?
You know, because what you'llfind is that women who've been
(32:27):
cheated on they suppress so much, right, that they haven't
really gotten to the core ofwhat they're truly angry at
right.
I was at a conference.
I was speaking at a conferencea couple of weeks ago and a lady
got up to ask me a questionbecause her husband had cheated
(32:51):
on her and, you know, she brokedown after I got through
answering her question.
She just broke down, right, andso I got off of the stage and I
went down to her and I was likeyou're angry, aren't you?
And she was like yeah, and Iwas like, well, what are you,
aren't you?
And she was like yeah, and Iwas like, well, what are you
(33:12):
angry about, you know?
And she's just crying, and I'mlike I said, what are you angry
about?
And I was like you're angrythat he cheated on you, right?
She was like, yeah, I was likeyou're angry that he left with
the other woman and didn't staywith you, right.
Yeah, I was like you're angrythat you lost your baby and he
still hasn't hit you up to say,hey, how are you doing after the
loss of our child, right?
And she was like yes, and I waslike, so, say all the stuff
(33:34):
that you're angry about?
And she was like I'm angry thatyou broke me, I'm angry that
you hurt me, I'm angry that youdidn't choose me.
And that is where you get to seeyourself, because for so long
you have been living in theshadows of fakeness, you have
been living in the shadows ofthis mask, where you're making
yourself appear like you, gucci,like you moved on, like you've
(33:58):
healed.
And so that's why I say hurt,people haven't moved on.
Hurt, people haven't seenthemselves.
They're living in a mask andshowing up in that hurt.
They're living in a mask andshowing up in that hurt, but
that hurt is so broken that thehurt that they're doing to other
people doesn't even penetratethrough them.
And so what does it look like?
(34:18):
It's allowing me to show themand to pull out all of the
things that they really feel,all of the things that they're
ashamed of, all the things thatthey're hurt about, all the
things that they're embarrassedat.
I get them to call those outand then, once they release that
, we got an empty canvas and wecan start the healing.
Speaker 1 (34:41):
Come on here, we got an empty canvas and we can start
the healing.
Listen, where's the paint?
She ready, she ready.
Listen, where's the paint?
She ready, she ready, listen,yes, mona Lisa Ricasso.
Speaker 2 (34:54):
Ricasso yes.
Speaker 1 (34:56):
So I what?
What does that look like?
You start painting.
What's the first step?
What is the first thing you get?
You now have this blank canvas.
What do you get?
Speaker 2 (35:15):
Acceptance.
So, after you know, they callit out.
So you know, I call it a pityparty is what I call it.
I call it a first step of pityparty, which is allowing them to
call out you know everythingthat they're angry about, their
hurts.
Letting them just cry it allout.
And then the next part to thatis just accepting it right and
(35:38):
having you to state it hey, mymarriage ended in infidelity, my
husband cheated on me.
But it takes a lot to get therewhere you can actually start
sharing your story with otherpeople.
But for you, the first step isto actually accept it Right.
And so once you accept, likeeverything that has happened,
(35:58):
that means that you'veacknowledged it Right, because
we can't fix what we don'tacknowledge.
So now that you've accepted itand it shows that you're
acknowledging it, then we cannavigate towards going back
again and looking at thosethings of like okay, well, why
did I attract that type ofperson?
Why did I allow that behaviorfor so long?
(36:18):
What you know in asking thosereally deep rooted questions,
what is this that this fearattached to?
Is it rejection that I'mdealing with, that I have an
issue with?
Is it abandonment?
Because we all know that a lotof things always go back to,
like those childhood wounds,right, and mine was rejection
and abandonment.
(36:38):
So that's why I kind of bringthose up a lot, but really kind
of getting down to the, to thecore of okay, what is it?
And then from there, you know,just navigating through it like
okay, one of the things that Ihave a worksheet that I have my
clients do too is askingthemselves questions about trust
(37:01):
.
You know how do they feel abouttrust, how does trust show up
in their lives?
Right?
What is their relationship withtrust?
You know, and just getting themto see that.
But the next thing isforgiveness.
But it's forgiveness of self,because we don't worry about
getting, we don't worry about Idon't worry about for my clients
(37:23):
forgiving the betrayer untillater on in the process.
But we can't do anything and wecan't move forward in any other
steps until they forgivethemselves.
And you have to forgiveyourself for everything.
Forgive myself for stayinglonger than I should.
Forgive myself for turning myhead when I would see you send a
text message to that chick andI didn't say anything.
(37:45):
Forgiving you, forgiving myselffor going back when I said I
was done the fifth time and Istill took you back and you
still cheated.
You know what I'm saying.
There's so many things thatyou're angry with you at, and
you've got to learn how toforgive yourself for those.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
Okay, so let's back up just a little bit the
infidelity you find out aboutinfidelity in your marriage, in
your relationship, and then youturn ugly.
You start with infidelity inthe relationship.
(38:26):
How do you help someone whenthey did it as a get back?
Yeah, how does that have?
How does that?
What is the process ofunwrapping that to help someone
heal?
Look like, because I know it'syour mission to help people heal
(38:47):
from infidelity.
But what happens when ithappens to you and then you end
up taking up the same crime oh,baby, day seven in my 49 day
devotional is titled get yourlick back.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
Well, it's titled get my lick back, right, but you
know it actually addresses that.
It addresses exactly what yousaid.
Um, because a lot of people areso hurt I was actually.
I actually did a call with aclient and she was like I'm not
gonna lie to you, brianna, I didget my lick back, you know, and
my question always is oh, how'dthat make you feel?
Speaker 1 (39:26):
How'd that work out for you Go?
Speaker 2 (39:28):
I'm sorry I had to interrupt you may be, drink, yet
everybody who has told me thatthey've gotten their lick back
and cheated back on theirpartner because their partner
cheated on them, tells me thatit did not help their hurt, so
(39:50):
responding with revenge, youthinking that you're going to
get up on them.
It's.
It's never as satisfying as youthink it is and in the end it
actually causes you more pain ahyou know, what type of pain are
you referring to?
(40:11):
um, because let's say, even ifyou want to rebuild the trust
back, so now y'all both gottafigure, you know like, but now
y'all both have to, and youlearn that you you've just built
a hole deeper for therelationship, right, um, and
like I said, it's, it's not,it's not making you feel any
(40:33):
better from the previous offense, you know.
And so now you're, you're, morebroken because you're confused
about okay, yeah, I slept withthis dude, but now you gotta
come.
Not only are you now dealingwith your hurt, now you're
having to deal with yourpartner's hurt and convince your
partner that xyz didn't meananything to you.
(40:53):
And so now what you're creatingis what was something that was
hurtful and that couldpotentially potentially, you
know, you guys could workthrough.
Now you're creating this toxicsituation, right, and that
becomes almost like unbearable,where you just it just becomes
(41:14):
toxic.
You know I gotta go on and onabout that, but yeah, you, you,
typically, when you try torespond with revenge, you just
make the situation worse and itnever makes you feel as better
as you, as you thought it wouldmake you feel okay.
Speaker 1 (41:30):
Have you ever dealt with someone you were talking
about revenge.
Have you ever dealt withsomeone who took the revenge out
in a different manner?
Someone cheated and then youdid a financial transaction that
was just again abusive to therelationship, because you knew.
(41:51):
You knew this money was setaside for this, or it was for
the car that was being saved,for, the home that was being
saved for, and now you have justplummeted the finances and now
they have to be rebuilt, or it'sjust a deeper trench that you
put yourself in.
How do you see that playing outor recovery from something like
(42:13):
that?
Speaker 2 (42:16):
So I haven't dealt with that personally, but it's
funny because I have a friendthat's a therapist and one of
her clients is dealing with thatbecause you know he cheated and
then, um, so now she's spendingall of the money, but they have
kids, you know, and um, it'slike at the end, at the end of
(42:38):
the day, like, why would you putyourself through?
Like because you're sufferingas well and if you have kids,
your kids are suffering as well,like if you're going in debt
because you think that you'regetting your partner back by
going and buying something thatyou guys know that you can't
afford.
It's like to me, it shows methat that's where your mindset
(42:59):
is, and so it.
You're not.
You're not looking atrestoration, right, you're just
looking at revenge.
And that would be where becausethat would be where I would even
look at the betrayer and say,look, they toxic too.
You know, I'm serious becauseit's like I get it that you know
(43:24):
, when we're hurt and a lot oftimes we don't necessarily think
about our actions and thingslike that, because we just want
the other person to hurt as badas we're hurting.
But I think that when you don'tconsider, like, how that could
affect, you know your housingsituation, where you going to
sleep and eat.
You know it's like I don't,because I haven't necessarily
(43:46):
dealt with that as a client, butI would say that to me, when
you make decisions like that,that um affects more than you um
, and especially if you havekids, it can affect your kids,
like you're showing that youyou're you're selfish as well
and you you're not caring aboutrestoration.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
Hmm, Selfish as well and not caring about restoration
.
How do you think this plays outon the children that are there?
Do you find that the havingchildren component?
Do you find that people willstay because of children longer
(44:27):
in infidelity?
How do you help someone who'son that path?
Speaker 2 (44:35):
yeah, most women do stay longer because of their
children, but one of the thingsthat I'm finding and that I'm
telling my women is that yourkids already know.
So, to me, what I, what I'mlearning right from the women
that I'm working with, is thatthey use the kids as a crutch,
but really they're afraid toleave.
(44:56):
But it's easy, because theyhave kids to say, oh, I'm
staying for my kids.
No, you're not, you're justafraid to leave, and so that's
what we're going to tackle.
We're're gonna tackle the fearbehind you leaving.
Um, I even had a client a coupleof weeks ago tell me that her
parent her kids came to her andwas like mommy, we know you're
(45:18):
sad, we know what dad is doing,you know what I'm saying and, um
, she was just talking about howher anger has been trickling
down to her kids, like she'sbeing angry with them now and
you know, just snappy and um,her kids.
They brought it to herattention and I've I've heard
that a lot of times where peoplehave been like, why are you
(45:40):
still with dad, you know, and soI would say that you can't,
don't use your kids as a reasonfor why you're staying, and I'm
having our brother, shay Williscome on my show, because that's
one thing too is that a lot ofwomen that I'm working with, too
, who are afraid to leaveespecially they have kids, is
(46:03):
because of finances Right, andif you have a toxic partner,
they may threaten you withfinances and say they're not
going to help support, and sowhat I do is work with my
clients on getting a safety plantogether.
So how can you prepare toactually leave?
And so we develop a safety plan, and that's one of the things
(46:24):
that Shay is going to come onand talk about is getting that
budget in order.
You know what I'm saying Makingsure your numbers and
everything are in a row so thatyou can leave, you know, and not
have to worry about anythingfinancially from that, from that
other partner.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
My goodness, shay's coming on there, that's going to
be an episode.
Speaker 2 (46:47):
That is going to be amazing yeah, because a lot of
women talk about that.
They're like I want to leave,but he is the sole um, you know,
income in the house and I won'tbe able to make it by myself,
and so that's why I'm stayingand that's that's valid right.
But no one should have to stayin a situation where they're
(47:08):
severely unhappy because offinances and so just developing
that safety plan to get youprepared.
Now, when I left but again Ididn't have kids, but when I
left my partner and this wasjust like the first time I left
them I only had ten dollars tomy name.
I only had $10 to my name, somy mom had to finish paying,
like my cell phone bill.
(47:29):
One of my cousins cashed at mea big sum of money to get me
through the rest of the month.
One of my close friends took meto the grocery store and
brought me groceries for therest of the month, so I just
made the decision to leavebecause I couldn't take it
anymore.
But other people don't.
But I say that to say this whenyou do make the decision to
step out on faith, god is goingto bring those blessings to you,
(47:53):
and so a lot of times we'reoverthinking things and all God
is saying is I want you to trustme, don't look at.
You know saying don't look atthe present, don't look at what.
What is saying right now.
Just step out on faith.
And that's what I did.
I did, I stepped out on faith.
I didn't know these folks wasgonna stand up for me and help
me get through, but they did.
(48:13):
When I made the bold decisionthat I was done, walk by faith
and not by sight.
Speaker 1 (48:20):
My goodness, I think that is a perfect end to this
conversation.
I do want you to join me in theafter party.
I do have a question.
You said you worked with aclient and her partner who
(48:43):
cheated on her, is now you knowthey've moved past the
infidelity and he's doing well.
You literally said I'm happywith the progress he's making.
My question being I'm glad hecheated.
Listen, I want to talk aboutI'm glad he cheated.
Yep.
You said, yeah, okay, good.
(49:04):
So in the after party I want toaddress I'm glad he's cheated
and also how to have that hardconversation.
You keep saying have thatconversation, have that
conversation.
I actually want to go throughwhat the components of that
conversation should be for thathard conversation.
(49:24):
And you also said the firsttime I left yeah, we're going to
get into that.
We're going to get into that.
Join us in the after party.
Listen, brianna Latrice, Iappreciate you coming through
and yet again giving more valueto the Confident you podcast
(49:44):
audience.
Most people think they gothrough things and they're the
only ones going through.
So I pray that this lands onthe heart of someone going
through this situation or afriend of someone who's going
through this situation andthey're able to understand.
Listen, you're not the only one.
Don't think you're special inthat way.
(50:06):
No, ma'am, no, no, ma'am.
You're looking at two peopleright here.
You've heard plenty of stories.
We've referred to friends andclients and friends with clients
.
It it's never-ending process ofof of examples that we can pull
(50:27):
from.
Listen, yeah, holly Barry sayEric, and they cheated.
Um, janet Jackson said that, um, domain debris, he admitted to
cheating.
So if you feel as though you'rethe only one and that you're
that, I don't want to.
I guess special is all I cansay that you're that unique and
(50:49):
that special that only this ishappening to you.
This is an untruth.
I pray that this is a safespace where, if you have any
additional questions, put themin the comments.
I'm going to go back, we willgo back and we will come back
and address any other concernsor questions that you have.
I thank you again for joiningus, but before you get out of
(51:11):
here, I want you to share witheveryone the amazing things.
I just it, just I'm bubblingover with joy all of the amazing
things that you're doing andthat you have going on, the
opportunities that they willhave to work with you, please,
yes.
Speaker 2 (51:28):
Please, yes, okay, so you guys, you can follow me on
Instagram at life underscoreafter underscore infidelity
underscore.
You know I post really helpfulvideos on there.
On that page you can also go tomy website at
lifeafterinfidelitynet and youcan get free.
(51:52):
You can sign up for a freediscovery coaching call.
I also have a free ebook.
It's about boundary setting andit's a fun way to set
boundaries with your partner,and so if you're interested in
getting a copy of that, the URLis on there.
But then you can also send me atext message and just text
(52:14):
ebook, right, free ebook, and Ican get you the ebook as well.
You can also go on the websiteand book a free 15 minute
discovery call with me and let'ssee if we're a good fit to work
with each other.
Discovery call with me andlet's see if we're a good fit to
work with each other.
Like I mentioned at the top ofthis year, my first book,
killing the Heart fromInfidelity a 49 day devotional,
(52:37):
will be coming out.
So definitely follow me onInstagram and TikTok at life
underscore after underscoreinfidelity on TikTok as well,
because I'll be giving you guysupdates and things about that,
about the release of that book,and then you guys please go and
follow me on my podcast, lifeAfter Infidelity, and you can
(53:01):
find that on YouTube, applePodcasts, spotify, all the
things.
I'm everywhere, y'all I I'm outthere and if you are in the dfw
, the dallas, fort worthmetroplex, follow me as well,
because I'll have my eventcoming up on saturday, february
the 10th um 2024, and it isdancing through love.
(53:23):
So I would definitely love foryou to um come out and be a part
of that, and those are the manyways you can stay connected
with me.
Speaker 1 (53:34):
And yeah, those are the many ways you can stay
connected.
Y'all saw her have me up hereworking my little fingers out,
getting all this information out.
When I say my girl is out herewith it, I need you to say this
one.
I need you to say this one.
Speaker 2 (53:49):
I need you to say that, oh, we're not going to do
that so after my um, the 49 daydevotional lunches, I'll be
launching the volume one of myfirst book, where healing wants
you to Life After Infidelityvolume one.
And so I'm excited about thatbook because what that book does
(54:12):
is it tells you stories of likewhat a person is going through
in infidelity and then at theend of each story, I give you
tips and tools on how tonavigate that particular
experience or situation.
And then I also have guidedmeditations at the end of each
chapter as well to go with that.
(54:33):
And I do wanna say, as far askilling the heart from
infidelity, that is not a bookthat is solely for people who
have been cheated on.
If you have a loved one thathas been cheated on, I encourage
you to cop the book as well,because it's going to put you in
the mindset of what they aregoing through and how you can
best support them.
Speaker 1 (54:55):
All right, my goodness, going to put you in
the mindset.
My goodness, I'm honored thatyou were here with us yet again.
I want to know if you can givejust a few confident tips.
Listen for that woman who'sjust found out, for that friend
(55:15):
who was just told what thatfirst looks like.
I know a lot of people.
They're like don't cry, don'tcry, girl.
You better than him, girl, howdo you get it out cry?
Speaker 2 (55:35):
um, you know, but, but that's for real.
What I would say is this thoughum, do not make any decisions,
so do not feel like you have totell the betrayer what you're
thinking at that moment.
You do not have to tell thebetrayer if you're going to take
(55:56):
them back or if you're done.
The best thing you can do,because you're wrapped up in
your own emotions and you're inso much pain, is that you don't
ever want to make a decisionwhen you're in a traumatic state
.
So the best thing you can do isnot to feel pressured.
You know, because you know toour friends will tell us to what
(56:17):
you're going to do.
They'll come at you.
What you're going to do, girl,what you're going to do, are you
better than me?
You better than me?
Honey?
I'd be gone.
Like I tell my clients, you'rein a processing season right now
, and that is okay.
You're processing your feelings, you're processing your
emotions and you're processingyour decisions.
You don't owe anybody anydecision or any any.
(56:42):
Yeah, you don't owe anybody anyexplanation for what you're
going to do right now.
You just you're just in aprocessing season and that is
okay you're in a processingseason and that is okay.
Speaker 1 (56:55):
Yes, it is, indeed, it is.
Thank you yet again for comingto join us.
Uh, please check out life afterinfidelity podcast.
You have your next episodedropping.
When and when will shay be onthere?
Speaker 2 (57:15):
um, so my episodes drop every monday at 7 am so you
can have some good to listen towhen you're on your ride home.
And then, um, so I do batchcontent.
So, so I'm starting back seasontwo in December, and so Shay
will be on in 2024, beginning of2024.
Speaker 1 (57:36):
All right, all right, I appreciate you yet again.
Thank you for coming to sharethe value that you have for the
women that have been, for thosethat have been cheated on, for
those friends who need to beable to help their friends
Better maneuver through.
You don't want to give illadvice In this moment, so
(57:56):
definitely listen to thisepisode and take these notes and
it will help you at least guideyour friend, if you're a real
friend.
You don't want to add to theissue, so that part.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
So we'll see you in the after.
Speaker 1 (58:07):
You don't want to add to the issue.
So, yeah, that part.
So we'll see you in the afterparty.
Thank you, latrice, give mejust a moment.
Brianna.
Yes, alright, everyone, thankyou so much.
Please like, share, subscribe,follow.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at Marian Swingler,
(58:31):
and as well at confidentuunderscore podcast.
While underscore, there's somuch more coming.
If you are suffering at thehands of domestic violence or
you know someone who is, pleasecall Bethany House at
1-888-80-HELPS, that is, 43577,or call the National Domestic
(58:58):
Violence Hotline at1-800-799-SAFE at 7233.
Everyone, have a blessed day.
I pray that everything thatBrianna shared was definitely
something.
There was things there that youcan watch out for.
(59:20):
There are flags, there arethings that you can see in
situations so that you'll beable to get ahead of when people
do evil things to you and itseems as though they're not
hurting, but it's hurting you.
You just want to pay attentionfor those things.
All right, have a great one andsee you next time.
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