Conflict Owner's Manual

What would your situation look like if you weren't afraid? Fear is a 360 degree driver of conflict, from starting conflict to escalation, to creating impasse, to preventing implementation of an agreement. There are conflict competencies for meeting the fears that hold you back from having difficult conversations. We discuss some of those conflict competencies, and demonstrate how they might improve the quality of your relation...

No one is born conflict competent. Over time, we learn complex communication. The quality of our relationships improves. In this second take on what skills we wish our younger selves had known, we move up a decade to slightly more advanced conflict competencies: perspective taking, and graciously accepting that loving critics give feedback we might need to hear (even if we don't like it).

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Conflict competence improves quality of relationships. Building community improves quality of life. In this era of loneliness, where friends are so important, are your relationships dependent on your friends having opinions you agree with or like? Here are some strategies for sharing conflicting points of view (POV) without it causing conflict. Improve your conflict competence, have friends, build community, improve quality of life...

No one is born conflict competent. Babies don't negotiate, they demand. Over time, we grow up and learn people skills. The quality of our relationships improves. For some, with homes that nurture learning these skills, conflict competence comes early and easy. For some, like me, home wasn't a calm and conflict competent environment. My learning conflict competence was a long, slow and deliberate undertaking. After breakin...

If you find yourself sharing space, whether with a partner, roommate, family, or stranger, it's a good idea to agree with them on a conflict management plan. But, if you didn't have an agreement on how to resolve conflicts before you have a conflict, it isn't too late to invite the discussion. Here are some suggestions.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of...

The conflict competency I use most often is conflict analysis. You want to answer the right question and resolve the correct conflict, which means analyzing what's really going on. Look beneath the surface, and dig deeper than motives and personalities. These two novels demonstrate the types of analysis that get to the heart of the conflict.

show notes:
The two novels are:
The Man Who Saw Seconds, by Alexander...

This is the third episode on what makes a good question in conflict situations. We look at the purpose you want your question to serve in the conflict you’re having. The conflict competence is to use good questions as an invitation into a conversation. We show you how. 

Show notes
Episode 72: what’s a good question when you’re calm may not land the same way on someone you’re in a conflict with. Here are suggestions for...

Are there times when trying dialogue is wasted time? A listener mentions our polarized political climate, and asks if dialogue is always the way to approach emotionally charged differences in opinion. If it's time to stop trying, how would you know? How would you quit trying? Here are some examples of conflict competent responses when dialogue isn't helpful.

show notes:
Episode 38. What's more effective ...

It's an accepted truth of the creative community that conflict is story. No conflict, no story. No conflict is boring, not drama. Or no dramatic story that anyone wants to read or watch. What are the conflict competencies we can learn from rewriting the script of the conflicts in stories so the characters talk to each other before the conflict becomes the story? We rewrite Romeo and Juliet so that it ends in a wedding rather t...

A good question is the right question for the conflict you’re having. You’ve heard the expression: there’s no such thing as a silly question. But, in conflict, some questions keep a conflict going, escalate the conflict and/or inflame hard feelings. Here are examples of good and not-so -good questions.

show notes:

Episodes 58, 60, and 72 discuss how to ask, use and follow up good questions. After listening to episode 74, browse to th...

We remember stories better than we remember lectures. Stories entertain, comfort, explain, build bonds, persuade, and teach, among other connections. How you tell the story of your conflict reveals your point of view. We discuss how differing points of view are integrated to make a more complete story of the conflict. We suggest you find a role model who inspires your conflict competence.

show notes:
Watch John Paul Le...

A good question increases your chance to get good answers. How you think about a good question and its answer is different in the heat of conflict than how you think about questions and answers in calm conversation. What are those differences and how can you navigate from calm convo to questions that don't provoke more conflict? Here are some examples.

show notes:
AI offers this list of components of a good questi...

Having a mediator's mindset is a valuable skill in any job, not only in the job officially known as mediation. Conflict management is hard and a soft skills to add to your resume. We discuss the ways you can grow your conflict competence with your approaches to relationships, to conflict, and to life.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to s...

You already have conflict competencies like good listening. But do you use your best listening skill in the heat of conflict? Here are three steps to help you bridge the gap between knowing how to listen, and using the listening skills you have.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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Perhaps you've taken the course on how to have have difficult conversations. You know how to do it. But now, in real life, do you trust yourself to actually have those difficult conversations? We discuss self-trust building, the role of power imbalances that make it hard to communicate, and the risk of communicating your needs when the stakes are high. Self-trust will help you find the courage to raise issues important to you ...

Everyone has at least one conflict mental map; a picture in your mind about how you believe conflict should be conducted, and what you expect of those in conflict with you. But where did you form this conflict mental map?

show notes

Shoalts, Adam, A History of Canada in Ten Maps: Epic Stories of Charting a Mysterious Land. Allen Lane, 2017, ISBN-10: 0670069469

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a confli...

"Trust exists in relationships in different types and amounts. Maybe your friendships have a comfortable, lasting trust between intimates. Or, maybe you don't trust a person at all but have to deal with them. Trust is nice to have, has to be rebuilt when it's broken, and can't be bought. We discuss trust building measures that you can apply to improve the quality of your relationships and to manage your conflict...

What you tell yourself about your conflict competencies is what you believe is true. Are you telling yourself information that will grow your skills? On the conflict competence continuum of skills, where you put your pin will influence and inform how you do conflict.

show notes. These scholars research how our beliefs shape our choices in life.

* Michael Rousell: Surprise! How Your Brain Secretly Changes Your Beli...

Everyone experiences conflict, and has ways of dealing with it but some ways are better than others for improving the quality of your relationships. It's never too late to learn more and better ways. 
Tyson and Deborah share how they learned conflict management, what tools they use most (spoiler - for Deborah, it's conflict analysis), when they began their life's work in managing conflict, and in what ways their ...