Conflict Owner's Manual

Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, and improve the quality of your relationships.

Show notes: 

Episode 118: When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muXji...

There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other. 
Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small change in your belief changes your conflict.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.

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You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, you incidentally improve even your calm relationships. The hidden bonus is that you can use conflict competencies anywhere, which incidentally improves the quality of your life. What are those ...

Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult people as allies rather than as adversaries, because they're helping you improve your conflict skills.

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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decad...

Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not have that hard conversation? This conflict competence is knowing the value of engaging in hard conversations, and balancing that value with the wisdom of not engaging.

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Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then, everyone feels disappointed they aren't understood. 
When you feel like words are a waste of time, stop. Observe what's happening, and share your observation. Interpret the words out...

Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your position without getting defensive. When you understand them even if you don't agree with them, you're being conflict competent. 

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Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, and then, based on that feeling, you decide to believe the fact or not. For example, are you inclined to disbelief facts stated by a politician you don't like, and believe the facts of politi...

Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three helpful questions: 
what's your reason for getting along with the difficult person; 
how can you be curious about the difficult person's perspective; and 
where is the ...

Everyone handles conflict somehow. But different conflicts respond to different conflict skills. Your skills gap is the difference between the conflict you have, and your ability to deal with that specific conflict. What's conflict competent at your home may not be appropriate for your work, or friend group.
Reflect on your prior conflicts, and how well your familiar conflict patterns worked out for you. What conflict skills do ...

Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too. 
Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your thoughts direct your action. 
If you want use your thoughts and fears competently in conflicts, I show you the steps for turning your fears into allies rather than adversaries. You im...

131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.

You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you have conflict patterns that need a refresh. When did you last review your beliefs about conflict? Or considered your conflict style? Or reflected on your approach to conflict? Has it been a while? Star...

You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get better at doing relationships. What ingredients make up your conflict skills? Here are suggestions for making it easier to improve your conflict competencies.

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Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict. 
But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win? 
When you try to be conflict competent, you're practicing your skills. You improve, you owned your conflict; that's success. Conflict competency is a continual process of pract...

Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and thaw that frosty relationship.

*Reciprocate means to accept a gesture or compliment or favour or gift etc. and respond with an equivalent. The...

How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your opponent. When that happens, facts are less important than your curiosity. Don't get trapped into defending the 'convictions of your courage'.

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Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what? 
Yes, you do want to pause before you respond. But there's a better use of that pause than counting to 10.
Here are five conflict competent strategies to make that pause really helpful with h...

You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong? 
But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world works and their beliefs are correct, don't they? Worldviews and beliefs are not universal truths accepted by everyone. 

When worldviews collide, it creates conflicts, and too often people ...

Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give you a turn. Here are 3 changes in your approach so the other person will want to hear from you. Use these conflict competencies to improve the conversation, and the quality of the relationship...