July 17, 2024 • 16 mins
Ever wondered what it takes to embrace motherhood on your own terms? This episode of Conquering Chaos features the incredible journey of Abby Sangmeister, a coach and therapist who chose to become a single mom at 41 through IVF and a donor, defying overwhelming odds of success. Abby opens up about her emotional experiences, the stigma surrounding fertility issues, and the importance of including men's health in fertility conversations. Her story isn't just a personal triumph; it's a call for more open discussions about infertility and the power of community support.
But that's not all. We also dive into the complexities of balancing a thriving career with the demands of motherhood, especially when your child is highly-attached. Abby shares her real-life strategies for navigating contact naps, maintaining professional goals, and finding joy with her daughter through activities both love. Lastly, we tackle the often overlooked but critical need for self-care, reshaping it from extravagant spa trips to simple, restful moments that can easily fit into anyone’s routine. Get ready for an episode filled with practical advice and heartfelt stories designed to empower moms on their unique journeys.
Find Abbey Here:
https://www.facebook.com/Evolvingwhole/
Mama Mental Wellness Guide: https://www.sydneycrowe.com/mamamentalwellness589191
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to Conquering Chaos, everybody.
A mom's guide to self-care andsanity.
I'm your host, sydney Crow, andtoday we have Abby Sangmeister
from New Jersey.
I'm so excited that Abby's heretoday.
She is a coach and therapist.
She has a 17-month-old daughterwho she's already described as
very determined, and we aregoing to be chatting a lot about
(00:23):
how to redirect that energythat she's facing with her
daughter self-regulation andtalk more about her free virtual
group for ambitious moms.
So welcome Abby.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Thank you so much for having me today.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Thanks for being here .
It's so great to connect withfellow moms.
Now, you described yourself asa single mom by choice.
Why don't we dive into that?
Because I feel like that's avery powerful story that you're
able to share with the listeners.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Yes, and I love sharing about it.
So at 40, I woke up and waslike I've always wanted to be a
mom and I never found the rightguy, and so I actually, like,
googled and searched online andfigured out single mom by choice
was the terminology and Idecided to use IVF and a donor
(01:13):
to create my daughter and havehave a baby of my own at 41.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Wow, what an empowering story, and you shared
with me that, even though youwere going through IVF, the
highest chance that you weregoing to be that the doctor said
that you would be able to havea daughter with 11%.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Yeah.
So the first round, which for amoment I was really discouraged
because I knew I couldn'tafford to do future rounds, it
was like one round that would beit, and I still wanted to take
the chance Cause I was like if Inever try, I will never know.
And it's definitely arollercoaster ride for doing IVF
and there's so many women outthere that go through it for
(01:53):
various reasons.
But I definitely think it wasworth.
It is worth the risk.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Well, I mean, you have a loving, healthy daughter
to show for it, so absolutelyworth the risk.
And I mean, like you, a loving,healthy daughter to show for it
, so absolutely worth the risk.
And I mean, like you mentioned,that women go through it for
various reasons and I thinkthere almost is a bit of shame
around that connotation.
Right, you were sharing with meabout a personal story where a
woman came up and was just kindof whispering it to you because
(02:21):
she didn't know if it was a theappropriate thing to talk about
out in public.
Or you know, a lot of women cango through it and maybe still
have loss involved with it.
So why don't you talk aboutthat?
Because I think that that's areally empowering piece for
women to feel strength in theirdetermination and decision.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yeah, yeah, and, and there's so many ways.
You know, when someone hasfertility challenges, like
there's different paths to take.
You know there's IUI, there'sIVF, there's different
medications, there's differentdoctors with different
viewpoints on that.
There's whether you're usingdonor sperm or donor eggs, and
(03:02):
I've noticed the more that Istarted sharing about it because
I was, I was hesitant andbringing it up and and what you
know, this journey that I wasgoing to be on and so many women
who you know even haveteenagers they were like would
message me friends of mine.
I had no idea, maybe, like Iwent through IVF you know this
many years ago, or this is whywe had to do IVF.
(03:22):
And when I was talking at myfertility clinic, it's like one
in six women has fertilitychallenges.
It's huge.
That's a huge population ofwomen.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, especially in our demographic because, or our
age group, right, because I mean, when I was younger, it was
like as soon as you thoughtabout being sexually active or
if you had bad periods, it wasbirth control.
Well, birth control is leadingto a lot of these fertility
challenges down the road, andnow there's a lot of knowledge
and education around alternativeways to not get pregnant,
(03:57):
alternative ways to manage your,your bad periods and cramps and
things like that.
And I think that that plays ahuge role in it, because right
from the get-go, we were taughtoh, let's just put a pill on it,
right?
Or oh, it's just like we don'treally talk about this.
And to have that statistic ofone in six women that are
struggling with that today, Imean that is a massive, massive
(04:21):
number of the population thatare struggling.
So to bring these conversationsto the forefront, I think is
really important so that womenfeel less alone in it.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Right and like there's so many reasons that you
could have infertility and theother pieces.
We don't talk about men'shealth either, and so I have a
background in studying nutritionand part of our course was
talking about, like, men'shealth, infertility, and we
don't.
No one talks about that.
It's like kind of all put upon.
I still feel like on the woman,like, oh, what does she need to
(04:53):
do to get healthy?
And then the partner isn'tbrought in until like later on.
But let's look at everyone's,the whole family's health and
what's going on.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think that even goes further
into the mindset of like whenyou do become a mom, a lot of
that weight and mental load ison the moms.
So, you know, I just what wouldyou say would be your biggest
piece of advice to moms outthere in terms of like changing
this conversation around it?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
out there in terms of , like, changing this
conversation around it.
I think that's it having aconversation.
You know we get together sooften and have these like
superficial conversations and soencourage yourself to just
break, be the icebreaker in yourgroup and bring something up.
You know, it could be somethingpersonal, it could be something
maybe that you read an articleabout or saw a tip talk or
(05:47):
something on Instagram.
You know as a good icebreakerand see where that goes, because
there are you know as being atherapist and coach too clients
come to me and they're like oh,I've been thinking about like
this challenge or issue and I'mthe only one.
I'm like you're.
My client last week was talkingabout the same thing and I wish
like I could play matchmakersometimes with my clients and
(06:07):
say you're not the, you're notthe only one.
So I think a lot of times wethink or we don't know other
people going through that.
So, putting it out there in away that feels comfortable to
you and bring it up so that waythe conversation can start
happening, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah, I mean, and like you said it's, it's
interesting if we are justhaving these little sidebar
conversations and in your caseit's therapy, so they are meant
to be private, but like if youhave a group of friends and you
can get together and share thisas a whole in the group, so that
it's not, you know, maybe thisthis person shared us a IVF or
their fertility struggles withme, let's say, and and then they
(06:46):
don't know how they're like, ohwell, I have somebody else that
has shared the same journey.
But because it's not in a groupor a setting where I feel
comfortable sharing each other'sstory, I can't connect them.
So, making sure that we arelike connectors in our society
and just saying like, hey, Iknow somebody is going through
this, can I share your story?
Can I connect you?
Maybe there's some supportthere for you, right, and I
(07:07):
think that's where this groupthat you have is so powerful.
So if you want to share alittle bit about your virtual
group for ambitious moms I lovethe title, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
So the ambitious mamas collective came together.
As someone who, like I'm partof Facebook groups and other
groups and I was like where,where do I feel like this
connection and where do Iconnect with all of these
different groups?
And as someone who you know hasalways been like career driven,
high achieving and lots ofareas of my life not just my
(07:37):
career and balancing being a mom, I was like who is there to
talk to and like really elevateand lift each other up, like I
want to talk about your wins andalso like the struggles that
you've gone through.
Let's like talk about them andtalk about you know how each of
us have kind of gone through itin a way that feels like
(07:59):
supportive and nourishing andthat we can like all kind of
thrive together.
And also this piece of likeconnecting moms on like a career
kind of thrive together, andalso this piece of like
connecting moms on on like acareer kind of networking too,
if people want to.
The other pieces.
I like to start each sessionwith a question or an
affirmation or a journal prompt,something, because it's a great
(08:24):
thing for us to do is toreflect.
But as moms and working andtaking care of the household.
When do we really sit down?
So this is like the opportunitythat I give everyone to sit for
a few moments and then to kindof bring those conversations
together.
People don't have to share ifthey don't want to.
They can share if they want andit just kind of gets the
(08:44):
conversation going and creatingmore deep connections.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
I love that so much and I can't wait to be a part of
that group myself.
But you are a fairly new mom.
Your daughter is now 17 monthsold and you've talked a lot
about the chaos that kind ofcame along with that juggling
your business.
You've been very ambitiousthrough your career and then
have now brought life into theworld.
How do you find balance withall of that?
Speaker 2 (09:13):
It's hard because I really thought it would be
different.
I thought I would have all thisenergy not energy is the right
word I was like, oh well, I'mtaking postpartum time off, when
she's napping, I can do all ofthis.
And none of that happened.
We still, to this day, contactnap or car naps or sometimes
stroller naps, but we're notliking the stroller so much.
(09:35):
I love it.
She is someone who is veryattached to me and I love our
time together, but it also meansit's tough to work on business.
He could know, the moment Iopened my laptop, like she could
be busy somewhere else, likesomeone else could be watching
her, and she like just senses it.
And then she's like mom, youknow, which like I also love.
(09:55):
So it's a little bit ofadjusting to saying like, okay,
now, this is the season of lifethat I'm in, where I thought I
wanted to grow my business andmy career.
Some of that I'm just puttingto the side, and that's okay,
cause I know she'll be in schoolin a blink of an eye and now
it's like spending time with her.
But at the same time, there arethose moments where I'm like,
(10:17):
oh my gosh, I have this content,this blog post, this Instagram,
and I'm spending time with herand I'm like starting to be like
, oh my gosh, I need to do thisand and that.
That struggle in my brain andnow I'm not paying attention to
her, which she absolutely picksup on every emotion.
Now she's getting, you know,fussy, a little bit wound up,
(10:40):
and I'm like, just hold on aminute.
Mommy had this great idea, letme write it down.
Or I got to get this post out,and so that's been like the
biggest struggle and so learninghow to kind of let go of some
of those type a perfectionistqualities within my business, to
like Instagram, the best timeto post is at this time.
I'm like, no, I'll just postwhenever I get to.
(11:03):
Oh, I didn't do any storiestoday, oh, no, and just, but it
does still come up of, and likekind of like, how do you calm
yourself down in that moment too, as your kid is now feeling
your emotion and they're takingon that emotion?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean and that comes a lot tothe redirecting her energy piece
that we were talking aboutearlier right, Learning how to
handle that fire, I think, is anice way to put it, because my
daughters are both verystrong-willed themselves and
redirecting that in a way thatdoesn't stifle it but also
(11:42):
allows you a little bit offreedom to get things done on
your plate.
And I think that comes down toa lot of the self-regulation
that you've been talking about.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah, and so part of that is there sometimes is not
any time for me to self-regulatewithout her.
So, yeah, I've been findingways that I can do that with her
, and sometimes that's likeputting on dance music and
picking her up and it could be afast song and we dance to her,
or it's a slow song and I'm justholding her and the weight of
(12:13):
her is grounding me and ourconnection is grounding both of
us and we just take that pause.
Like going out for walks isgreat and just knowing like this
is what the walk is gonna looklike.
Okay, we're not getting in thestroller today, that's okay.
(12:34):
Yeah, I have become highlyaddicted to make her mega blocks
every night.
I'm like it's mega block timeand she, you know, like she just
tears them all apart.
But I sit there and I'm likewe're gonna put the colors
together, we're gonna likewhatever feels good in my brain
and in a way it's kind ofmindless for me, but that like
regulates.
That brings me down after likean evening of working and
getting dinner done.
I'm like, okay, this is likerelaxing to me, so kind of
trying to find those things thatshe enjoys doing but also
(12:57):
regulates myself.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, puzzles were a big piece in our household when
my kids were you know that three, four stage, which she'll be
getting to soon enough we did aton of puzzles.
Like I could sit down and it'sjust like staring at a picture,
right, putting those piecestogether, being able to turn off
our minds, because that's a bigpiece for type A personalities,
overachievers, as youself-described.
(13:21):
I mean I fall into thatcategory myself and it's like
when you're running a businessand a household simultaneously,
it is really hard to have an offswitch.
And so finding some sort ofactivity that can help you calm
down and co-regulate whetherit's self-regulate or
co-regulate with your kids Imean it's the same thing my
(13:41):
oldest, she needs co-regulationand so a lot of times when I can
feel her energy that's startingto trigger me, it's like I just
get on her level, we do a hugor we'll go forehead to forehead
and it's just like helping herbreathe through it.
Same way, the weight of yourdaughter helping her having her
there, right, that co-regulationpiece.
It's the beautiful thing and Ilove.
(14:02):
I love that piece and I hopethat it I mean eventually.
I know it'll go away, but Ihope it doesn't go away anytime
soon.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Right, right and you're like hold on, you're
modeling something so healthyand I think that's the other
piece of being mindful and doingit with them is you're modeling
options for them as they getolder and grow.
Yeah, and I bet she will stillwant those cuddles your daughter
so yeah, and I bet she willstill want those cuddles, your
daughter, she's still going tocome she's going to be like 40
and be like mom.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I hope so.
I hope so.
Well, is there any last pieceof advice that you'd love to
give the listeners, whether it'sin terms of your single
motherhood journey or yourbusiness out there for the
listeners?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
I think the biggest thing is giving yourself
permission.
We don't do it quite enough totake a break, to ask for help,
to tell people how we're feelingand that we have permission.
We give it to other people sooften.
But I want you to think of,like, how can I give myself
permission and maybe even putlike a reminder in your calendar
(15:05):
that reoccurs, whether it'severy week or every month like I
give myself permission to goget a coffee by myself, like go
to bed early, not, you know,check my emails for a day.
So I think we have to rememberthat we can have permission to
take time for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Yeah, well, I think we're changing the narrative
around what self-care is.
A lot of people think self-careneeds to be like going to the
spa or going to the store andbuying themselves something,
which it can be, but also notchecking my email for a day
would be such a great mind rest,right, yeah.
So thank you so much for beinghere today, abby, and thank you
(15:45):
guys for tuning into today'sepisode, where we help you
conquer the chaos one day at atime.
Welcome back to Conquering Chaos, everybody.
A mom's guide to self-care andsanity.
I'm your host, sydney Crow, andtoday we have Abby Sangmeister
from New Jersey.
I'm so excited that Abby's heretoday.
She is a coach and therapist.
She has a 17-month-old daughterwho she's already described as
very determined, and we aregoing to be chatting a lot about
(00:23):
how to redirect that energythat she's facing with her
daughter self-regulation andtalk more about her free virtual
group for ambitious moms.
So welcome Abby.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Thank you so much for having me today.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Thanks for being here .
It's so great to connect withfellow moms.
Now, you described yourself asa single mom by choice.
Why don't we dive into that?
Because I feel like that's avery powerful story that you're
able to share with the listeners.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Yes, and I love sharing about it.
So at 40, I woke up and waslike I've always wanted to be a
mom and I never found the rightguy, and so I actually, like,
googled and searched online andfigured out single mom by choice
was the terminology and Idecided to use IVF and a donor
(01:13):
to create my daughter and havehave a baby of my own at 41.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Wow, what an empowering story, and you shared
with me that, even though youwere going through IVF, the
highest chance that you weregoing to be that the doctor said
that you would be able to havea daughter with 11%.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Yeah.
So the first round, which for amoment I was really discouraged
because I knew I couldn'tafford to do future rounds, it
was like one round that would beit, and I still wanted to take
the chance Cause I was like if Inever try, I will never know.
And it's definitely arollercoaster ride for doing IVF
and there's so many women outthere that go through it for
(01:53):
various reasons.
But I definitely think it wasworth.
It is worth the risk.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Well, I mean, you have a loving, healthy daughter
to show for it, so absolutelyworth the risk.
And I mean, like you, a loving,healthy daughter to show for it
, so absolutely worth the risk.
And I mean, like you mentioned,that women go through it for
various reasons and I thinkthere almost is a bit of shame
around that connotation.
Right, you were sharing with meabout a personal story where a
woman came up and was just kindof whispering it to you because
(02:21):
she didn't know if it was a theappropriate thing to talk about
out in public.
Or you know, a lot of women cango through it and maybe still
have loss involved with it.
So why don't you talk aboutthat?
Because I think that that's areally empowering piece for
women to feel strength in theirdetermination and decision.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
Yeah, yeah, and, and there's so many ways.
You know, when someone hasfertility challenges, like
there's different paths to take.
You know there's IUI, there'sIVF, there's different
medications, there's differentdoctors with different
viewpoints on that.
There's whether you're usingdonor sperm or donor eggs, and
(03:02):
I've noticed the more that Istarted sharing about it because
I was, I was hesitant andbringing it up and and what you
know, this journey that I wasgoing to be on and so many women
who you know even haveteenagers they were like would
message me friends of mine.
I had no idea, maybe, like Iwent through IVF you know this
many years ago, or this is whywe had to do IVF.
(03:22):
And when I was talking at myfertility clinic, it's like one
in six women has fertilitychallenges.
It's huge.
That's a huge population ofwomen.
Speaker 1 (03:33):
Yeah, especially in our demographic because, or our
age group, right, because I mean, when I was younger, it was
like as soon as you thoughtabout being sexually active or
if you had bad periods, it wasbirth control.
Well, birth control is leadingto a lot of these fertility
challenges down the road, andnow there's a lot of knowledge
and education around alternativeways to not get pregnant,
(03:57):
alternative ways to manage your,your bad periods and cramps and
things like that.
And I think that that plays ahuge role in it, because right
from the get-go, we were taughtoh, let's just put a pill on it,
right?
Or oh, it's just like we don'treally talk about this.
And to have that statistic ofone in six women that are
struggling with that today, Imean that is a massive, massive
(04:21):
number of the population thatare struggling.
So to bring these conversationsto the forefront, I think is
really important so that womenfeel less alone in it.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Right and like there's so many reasons that you
could have infertility and theother pieces.
We don't talk about men'shealth either, and so I have a
background in studying nutritionand part of our course was
talking about, like, men'shealth, infertility, and we
don't.
No one talks about that.
It's like kind of all put upon.
I still feel like on the woman,like, oh, what does she need to
(04:53):
do to get healthy?
And then the partner isn'tbrought in until like later on.
But let's look at everyone's,the whole family's health and
what's going on.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Yeah, absolutely, and I think that even goes further
into the mindset of like whenyou do become a mom, a lot of
that weight and mental load ison the moms.
So, you know, I just what wouldyou say would be your biggest
piece of advice to moms outthere in terms of like changing
this conversation around it?
Speaker 2 (05:25):
out there in terms of , like, changing this
conversation around it.
I think that's it having aconversation.
You know we get together sooften and have these like
superficial conversations and soencourage yourself to just
break, be the icebreaker in yourgroup and bring something up.
You know, it could be somethingpersonal, it could be something
maybe that you read an articleabout or saw a tip talk or
(05:47):
something on Instagram.
You know as a good icebreakerand see where that goes, because
there are you know as being atherapist and coach too clients
come to me and they're like oh,I've been thinking about like
this challenge or issue and I'mthe only one.
I'm like you're.
My client last week was talkingabout the same thing and I wish
like I could play matchmakersometimes with my clients and
(06:07):
say you're not the, you're notthe only one.
So I think a lot of times wethink or we don't know other
people going through that.
So, putting it out there in away that feels comfortable to
you and bring it up so that waythe conversation can start
happening, yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
Yeah, I mean, and like you said it's, it's
interesting if we are justhaving these little sidebar
conversations and in your caseit's therapy, so they are meant
to be private, but like if youhave a group of friends and you
can get together and share thisas a whole in the group, so that
it's not, you know, maybe thisthis person shared us a IVF or
their fertility struggles withme, let's say, and and then they
(06:46):
don't know how they're like, ohwell, I have somebody else that
has shared the same journey.
But because it's not in a groupor a setting where I feel
comfortable sharing each other'sstory, I can't connect them.
So, making sure that we arelike connectors in our society
and just saying like, hey, Iknow somebody is going through
this, can I share your story?
Can I connect you?
Maybe there's some supportthere for you, right, and I
(07:07):
think that's where this groupthat you have is so powerful.
So if you want to share alittle bit about your virtual
group for ambitious moms I lovethe title, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
So the ambitious mamas collective came together.
As someone who, like I'm partof Facebook groups and other
groups and I was like where,where do I feel like this
connection and where do Iconnect with all of these
different groups?
And as someone who you know hasalways been like career driven,
high achieving and lots ofareas of my life not just my
(07:37):
career and balancing being a mom, I was like who is there to
talk to and like really elevateand lift each other up, like I
want to talk about your wins andalso like the struggles that
you've gone through.
Let's like talk about them andtalk about you know how each of
us have kind of gone through itin a way that feels like
(07:59):
supportive and nourishing andthat we can like all kind of
thrive together.
And also this piece of likeconnecting moms on like a career
kind of thrive together, andalso this piece of like
connecting moms on on like acareer kind of networking too,
if people want to.
The other pieces.
I like to start each sessionwith a question or an
affirmation or a journal prompt,something, because it's a great
(08:24):
thing for us to do is toreflect.
But as moms and working andtaking care of the household.
When do we really sit down?
So this is like the opportunitythat I give everyone to sit for
a few moments and then to kindof bring those conversations
together.
People don't have to share ifthey don't want to.
They can share if they want andit just kind of gets the
(08:44):
conversation going and creatingmore deep connections.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
I love that so much and I can't wait to be a part of
that group myself.
But you are a fairly new mom.
Your daughter is now 17 monthsold and you've talked a lot
about the chaos that kind ofcame along with that juggling
your business.
You've been very ambitiousthrough your career and then
have now brought life into theworld.
How do you find balance withall of that?
Speaker 2 (09:13):
It's hard because I really thought it would be
different.
I thought I would have all thisenergy not energy is the right
word I was like, oh well, I'mtaking postpartum time off, when
she's napping, I can do all ofthis.
And none of that happened.
We still, to this day, contactnap or car naps or sometimes
stroller naps, but we're notliking the stroller so much.
(09:35):
I love it.
She is someone who is veryattached to me and I love our
time together, but it also meansit's tough to work on business.
He could know, the moment Iopened my laptop, like she could
be busy somewhere else, likesomeone else could be watching
her, and she like just senses it.
And then she's like mom, youknow, which like I also love.
(09:55):
So it's a little bit ofadjusting to saying like, okay,
now, this is the season of lifethat I'm in, where I thought I
wanted to grow my business andmy career.
Some of that I'm just puttingto the side, and that's okay,
cause I know she'll be in schoolin a blink of an eye and now
it's like spending time with her.
But at the same time, there arethose moments where I'm like,
(10:17):
oh my gosh, I have this content,this blog post, this Instagram,
and I'm spending time with herand I'm like starting to be like
, oh my gosh, I need to do thisand and that.
That struggle in my brain andnow I'm not paying attention to
her, which she absolutely picksup on every emotion.
Now she's getting, you know,fussy, a little bit wound up,
(10:40):
and I'm like, just hold on aminute.
Mommy had this great idea, letme write it down.
Or I got to get this post out,and so that's been like the
biggest struggle and so learninghow to kind of let go of some
of those type a perfectionistqualities within my business, to
like Instagram, the best timeto post is at this time.
I'm like, no, I'll just postwhenever I get to.
(11:03):
Oh, I didn't do any storiestoday, oh, no, and just, but it
does still come up of, and likekind of like, how do you calm
yourself down in that moment too, as your kid is now feeling
your emotion and they're takingon that emotion?
Speaker 1 (11:19):
Yeah, absolutely.
I mean and that comes a lot tothe redirecting her energy piece
that we were talking aboutearlier right, Learning how to
handle that fire, I think, is anice way to put it, because my
daughters are both verystrong-willed themselves and
redirecting that in a way thatdoesn't stifle it but also
(11:42):
allows you a little bit offreedom to get things done on
your plate.
And I think that comes down toa lot of the self-regulation
that you've been talking about.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Yeah, and so part of that is there sometimes is not
any time for me to self-regulatewithout her.
So, yeah, I've been findingways that I can do that with her
, and sometimes that's likeputting on dance music and
picking her up and it could be afast song and we dance to her,
or it's a slow song and I'm justholding her and the weight of
(12:13):
her is grounding me and ourconnection is grounding both of
us and we just take that pause.
Like going out for walks isgreat and just knowing like this
is what the walk is gonna looklike.
Okay, we're not getting in thestroller today, that's okay.
(12:34):
Yeah, I have become highlyaddicted to make her mega blocks
every night.
I'm like it's mega block timeand she, you know, like she just
tears them all apart.
But I sit there and I'm likewe're gonna put the colors
together, we're gonna likewhatever feels good in my brain
and in a way it's kind ofmindless for me, but that like
regulates.
That brings me down after likean evening of working and
getting dinner done.
I'm like, okay, this is likerelaxing to me, so kind of
trying to find those things thatshe enjoys doing but also
(12:57):
regulates myself.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
Yeah, puzzles were a big piece in our household when
my kids were you know that three, four stage, which she'll be
getting to soon enough we did aton of puzzles.
Like I could sit down and it'sjust like staring at a picture,
right, putting those piecestogether, being able to turn off
our minds, because that's a bigpiece for type A personalities,
overachievers, as youself-described.
(13:21):
I mean I fall into thatcategory myself and it's like
when you're running a businessand a household simultaneously,
it is really hard to have an offswitch.
And so finding some sort ofactivity that can help you calm
down and co-regulate whetherit's self-regulate or
co-regulate with your kids Imean it's the same thing my
(13:41):
oldest, she needs co-regulationand so a lot of times when I can
feel her energy that's startingto trigger me, it's like I just
get on her level, we do a hugor we'll go forehead to forehead
and it's just like helping herbreathe through it.
Same way, the weight of yourdaughter helping her having her
there, right, that co-regulationpiece.
It's the beautiful thing and Ilove.
(14:02):
I love that piece and I hopethat it I mean eventually.
I know it'll go away, but Ihope it doesn't go away anytime
soon.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Right, right and you're like hold on, you're
modeling something so healthyand I think that's the other
piece of being mindful and doingit with them is you're modeling
options for them as they getolder and grow.
Yeah, and I bet she will stillwant those cuddles your daughter
so yeah, and I bet she willstill want those cuddles, your
daughter, she's still going tocome she's going to be like 40
and be like mom.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I hope so.
I hope so.
Well, is there any last pieceof advice that you'd love to
give the listeners, whether it'sin terms of your single
motherhood journey or yourbusiness out there for the
listeners?
Speaker 2 (14:42):
I think the biggest thing is giving yourself
permission.
We don't do it quite enough totake a break, to ask for help,
to tell people how we're feelingand that we have permission.
We give it to other people sooften.
But I want you to think of,like, how can I give myself
permission and maybe even putlike a reminder in your calendar
(15:05):
that reoccurs, whether it'severy week or every month like I
give myself permission to goget a coffee by myself, like go
to bed early, not, you know,check my emails for a day.
So I think we have to rememberthat we can have permission to
take time for ourselves.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Yeah, well, I think we're changing the narrative
around what self-care is.
A lot of people think self-careneeds to be like going to the
spa or going to the store andbuying themselves something,
which it can be, but also notchecking my email for a day
would be such a great mind rest,right, yeah.
So thank you so much for beinghere today, abby, and thank you
(15:45):
guys for tuning into today'sepisode, where we help you
conquer the chaos one day at atime.
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