July 3, 2024 • 21 mins
Are you struggling to balance the relentless demands of motherhood while tending to your emotional well-being? Join us for an eye-opening conversation with Tiffani Domikos, founder of Wholly Living Coaching and Consulting, as she recounts a transformative moment with her daughter that unearthed her own unaddressed triggers. Discover how Tiffani transitioned from being a therapist to navigating the complexities of motherhood, emphasizing the crucial importance of ongoing personal healing. Learn about Tiffani's approach to helping parents, especially new mothers, establish healthy habits and self-care routines amidst the chaos, focusing on early postpartum support and creating supportive rhythms.
Explore the groundbreaking SOAR method developed by Tiffani to manage challenging family dynamics. Unveil the four critical components—Soothe, Observation, Assessment, and Response—that empower parents to build a secure and nurturing environment for their children. Tiffani shares practical steps for observing and assessing situations effectively, highlighting the importance of self-compassion and self-acceptance in the parenting journey. Don't miss out on this invaluable toolkit for cultivating grace and resilience in parenting, ensuring that while striving for improvement, you remain present and mindful, modelling positive behaviours for your children.
Find Tiffani Here:
https://www.instagram.com/whollylivingandparenting/
Mama Mental Wellness Guide: https://www.sydneycrowe.com/mamamentalwellness589191
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, hey, mamas, welcome back to Conquering Chaos
A Mom's Guide to Self-CareInsanity.
I'm your host, sydney Crow, andtoday we have Tiffany Domikos.
She is located in Denver,colorado, and is the founder of
Holy Living Coaching andConsulting.
She helps parents build joy,connection and healing through
one-on-one parent and lifecoaching, online courses and
(00:22):
social media content.
She's a mama, wife, friend,therapist and change strategist
who has coached and supportedhundreds of individuals,
families and couples throughchanging patterns in their
thinking, in their emotions andin their behavior around work,
marriage and parentingrelationships.
She uses trauma-informed andbody-based practices for healing
(00:44):
and self-compassion.
Welcome, tiffany.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Thank you so much for having me Sydney.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
I'm excited to get to know you and have my listeners
hear more from you.
So you said that you wentthrough a profound personal
journey, from feeling completelyout of control to being able to
hone in on what your needs andthe needs of your daughter were.
Do you want to share with thelisteners a little bit about
that personal journey that ledyou to where you are today?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, I'd be happy to .
You know, I got married alittle bit later in life.
So I was in my 30s when I gotmarried and then became a mom,
and I've been a therapistworking with kids and families
for 15 years probably closer to10 years at that point when I
became a mom.
But I sort of thought you know,I've done a ton of healing, I
work with parents every singleday.
(01:33):
This is, this is going to be nobig deal, it's going to be an
easy transition.
And what I found was that Istill had some blind spots that
I was not aware of.
And so I had this moment with mydaughter when she was 18 months
, and we do a lot of redirectionin our house.
(01:53):
That seems to work better forher.
But I had said no to her andshe laughed and I was deeply
triggered and I found myselfdoing the kind of rage monster
thing like getting really bigand angry in the face of this
little, teeny, tiny child thathas no power or control over me
(02:15):
and and I it.
It was like this bright lightin my face of wow, I have some
healing to do, I have some morework to be done and being a
therapist working with, withfamilies.
It is very different being inmy own body, with my own story,
with my own triggers and livingthose out on a day-to-day basis
(02:39):
and not having an office door toclose at the end of the day and
kind of shake it all off.
Right.
Parenthood, motherhood, is 24seven.
It is constant.
And so I was met with thereality that I have not been
trained or equipped to deal withtriggers 24 seven, and I need
to do some more work and and I'mguessing that there are other
(03:00):
people out there who also needsome help doing some more work
in this motherhood journey andand so I really dug deep.
I worked with my therapist, Iworked with some friends who are
therapists to figure out youknow what are these triggers?
Where are they coming from?
Is this really about my parents?
Is this about something youknow flawed in me?
(03:22):
And coming to a place where itwas like everybody has this
stuff, everybody gets mad,everybody gets overwhelmed,
especially in motherhood.
And when we don't have or usethe skills that we have to
manage our relationships, tomanage our bodies and our brains
(03:42):
, then yeah, we're going to have, we're going to have big
feelings and those are going tocome out to the people around us
.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
I think you kind of hit thenail on the head there where,
like nothing really everprepares you for the fact that
motherhood is 24, seven.
You can do all the personaldevelopment and coaching and you
were able to help familiesprior to becoming a mom.
The second that you were inthat environment it was
completely overwhelming, becausethere is a really big shift
(04:12):
there.
It's like this whole newidentity that you're having to
wear, this whole new you knowset of skills that you're having
to develop and learn and growwith your you know a baby on
your hip or a toddler on yourhip at the same time, and you
know it's, it is overwhelming.
So how do you, how does thattranslate now into how you help
(04:36):
parents and coach them?
Do you do a lot of likepreemptive type stuff before
they become a parent, or are youthere more kind of after the
chaos kind of is consuming?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Yeah, most of my clients are.
It's after the chaos is ensuingand and unfortunately, you know
, therapy is kind of set up tobe sort of a last resort when
people are really desperate andare really struggling.
I am working with somelactation consultants who were
trying to get ahead of thatright.
(05:08):
Infanthood, the initial stagesof postpartum, those are kind of
the times where moms, whatwe're seeing in the research is
that mom's brains are sort ofreorienting especially
first-time moms to the world ofmotherhood and that is a really
important time to get some goodpractices set up, some good
(05:31):
habits of you know we'd call itself-care, but I really talk to
people about you're taking careof your brain and body and how
they connect to each other.
I think it's easy in postpartumto kind of disconnect from our
bodies because our bodies are soneeded in that postpartum
period.
But if we can stay connectedand really understand what does
(05:54):
our body need physically, whatdo we need emotionally, what do
we need spiritually, how can wefeed ourselves?
And not in a you know anotherto-do list for the self-care for
moms, right, but but in a avery like supportive rhythm of
life and asking for help,getting support from your
(06:15):
partner when you need 10 minutesto take a shower, right, some
some of those kinds of things.
So I love I love working withall kinds of parents and and
have families that have infantsup through high school.
My favorite is really those,those postpartum mamas who are
like I had no idea what I was infor and I want to set myself up
(06:39):
.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Yeah, and I think that that's so important and
that's almost where this podcastwas born from, because I went
through that for almost nineyears where I was like what did
I sign up for?
Why was it like this?
I kind of need a refund onadulting and we had a whole
bunch of other stuff going onand I can share that in other
(07:00):
podcast episodes.
But there was this moment whereit was like this wasn't what
the books kind of told me it wasgoing to look like, or this
wasn't what the movies and thecommercials told me it was going
to look like.
And I was like maybe this is me, maybe I'm the issue right.
And there's this notion thatself-care is like going to the
(07:20):
spa on a week, like a weeklybasis or a monthly basis, and
then mom, like newborn moms, arelike how do you even like put
the baby down to have a shower?
I remember like literallyhaving my daughter in her car
seat, like on one of thosechairs, while I was showering.
She's crying, I'm crying, I'mlike I just need to wash my hair
, you know, and it's thoseyou're like is this really what
(07:42):
everyone goes through?
Like where's, like, how?
How do you Google how to have ashower with a newborn, like
there isn't stuff out there forthat, and so I think it's really
, and so it's really interestingto me that you have this team
of women that you're workingwith I'm assuming women, I mean,
there are some very few and farbetween and so working with
(08:03):
them to build this in your, inyour area, in your community and
and hopefully, into an onlinespace, so that women around the
world can start having moreresources at their fingertips.
Because there is those momentswhere you are desperate and
Googling how do I have a showerwith a newborn, what do I do?
And and really bringing thisconversation to it takes a
(08:24):
village right, there was thisseparation.
But you know, back in theforties, fifties, it takes a
village right, there was thisseparation.
You know, back in the 40s, 50s,there was a village and life
has just gotten kind ofoverwhelmingly busy for everyone
and we almost wear it as abadge of honor right when it's
like how are you?
Oh, I'm busy, and so nowthere's almost this lack of
(08:44):
village.
So I really appreciate you guysbringing the village back to
the forefront.
I think that's really powerful.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Well, and I think that the other thing that I want
to pull out from what you saidis this feeling from moms of
there's something wrong with me,I'm broken, and I think,
normalizing that for new moms,but I think for all moms, that,
hey, man, it's not just you, andit's normal to have hard days
(09:13):
and it's normal to feel completeeuphoria at points with your,
with your kiddos, and it'snormal to feel nothing.
And so when we can supportourselves, our bodies, our
brains, our emotions, then thenwe normalize some of that.
We also have some more evennessin our days.
(09:34):
The highs aren't so high, thelows aren't so low, and and we
can find that middle ground.
But but yeah, like you said,you know it's it's not just you,
it's not just me, right?
This is part of that process.
And saying that I had friendswho said, oh, parenthood is
terrible, you never get timealone, you never get this, this
(09:58):
and this.
And then other people who say,oh, it's so amazing and it's so
wonderful and everything is sogreat, and my experience was
somewhere in between those andand I think there are lots of
women who are like, well, whatam I supposed to feel?
What am I supposed to write?
And so my work really is tonormalize hey, whatever you're
feeling is normal, and let'sfigure out what for you is
(10:22):
needed to for you to feelsupported.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, and I think again that's, every single
journey is different, right, andand and.
Every mom.
If you have multiple kids,those journeys are going to be
totally, totally.
I had a relatively I meanoutside of some health stuff but
my, my first daughter wasreally great, and then when my
second one came, that's when myolder one started to have
(10:46):
behavioral stuff, and I was likewhere is this coming from?
What is happening?
And so it can be those likereally high highs and really low
lows, and I went through all ofthe emotions that you went
through in there and sometimesthat rage monster came out and I
was, yeah, it was, it's.
It's definitely challenging,and so normalizing what moms go
through on all spectrums of thejourney is so it's just really
(11:10):
powerful.
And I think it's a reallyimportant conversation for us to
be having.
Now.
You mentioned that you coachwith parents and you have a
special method that you call theSOAR method.
Can you walk us through alittle bit of that Cause?
I love the name.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Yeah, so this was a method that I sort of developed,
created I don't know what youwant to call it, but I saw I
started seeing patterns in thefamilies that I was working with
and the things that I wasworking with them on, and it
seemed like I was kind of doingthese four things, teaching
these four sets of skills, topretty much anybody who was
(11:44):
coming through my doors, and soI was like, well, let's put this
into a model that is easy toremember, people can access it
really easily.
And so the S stands for soothe,and this comes from the work of
Dan Siegel and his colleagues,with folks needing to feel safe,
seen and soothed in order tohave security.
(12:06):
When we have a secure base inourselves, we are.
That is sort of that space of,we are centered, we are our sort
of best version given thecircumstances, and I say that
with that caveat of given thecircumstances.
So if I'm in on a mountaintopby myself and I've had three
(12:27):
days of alone time, I'm a verydifferent, centered version of
myself than in the middle offamily life chaos, so that then
we can show up for ourselves butalso for the other people that
we are sort of required andrequiring ourselves to support.
(12:53):
The second skill is observation.
So once we have that soothingdown, we're observing what
happened.
So maybe someone sort offlipped their lid.
They, that rage monster, cameout.
And I, what I tell people is,their first job is to soothe
themselves.
I don't care why it happened,like, make sure everybody's safe
(13:15):
, but lay on the floor, takesome deep breaths, do what you
need to do to feel safe, seenand soothed in yourself, and
then go to the next step ofobservation.
Look around.
Why did this happen?
Where did this come from?
It probably didn't come out ofleft field.
There were probably some thingsalong the way, right, take in
that information and then do anassessment Okay, what needs to
(13:38):
happen now?
Where did this come from?
How do I need to respond?
And then that last step is theresponse, and so it's giving
parents some tangible steps andskills to develop and practice,
which I think practice is reallyimportant.
When we're developing skills,you're not going to get it right
the first time, you're notgoing to get it right the second
time.
It's lots and lots of practiceof those skills so that then,
(14:03):
when that response time getsshorter and shorter, between
being triggered and respondingin the way that you want to, as
the parent that you want to be.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I think that that's really amazing and I love the
acronym and it is reallyimportant to note that.
You know you aren't going toget it right the first or second
time, or maybe the third,fourth or fifth.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
That's right.
It definitely takes practiceand sometimes I mean in our
personal experience I feel likesometimes my daughter can flip
her lid out of left field, andit is that kind of assessment
after the fact where I'm likewhere did this actually come
from?
My first observation is like,well, it came out of nowhere.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
It did come out of left hand.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
But then, you know, I can think back and see maybe
there were hunger cues or tired,or maybe it's just an
overstimulating experience,Right, Because they struggle
with those and I'm now learningto.
You know, just co-regulate withmy daughter that's been a big
thing for us is I can start tosense her energy where it's like
(15:10):
okay, maybe you just need me towrap my arms around you right
now.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
I don't think.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I'm mad about this.
Let's figure this out together.
But, first and foremost,sending her to her room to
regulate on her own doesn'tnecessarily work for her.
So it's like I have tosometimes remember to just pause
, and even if it feels like I'mgoing to be late for the
hundredth millionth time, it'ssomething this is more important
where I can just pause for 30seconds usually and help her
(15:38):
just come and catch her breath.
So I think, yeah, that methodis really amazing.
Is there any other pieces ofadvice that you'd love for the
listeners to know?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
I think the two things that came up for me when
I was thinking about thisinterview was self-compassion,
and I know some of your otherguests have talked about that.
I think that's a big thing inthe mama hood space lately and
in, I think, mental healthspaces lately, but I think it's
really important and I have.
(16:08):
I have a friend who saysself-awareness is wasted without
self-acceptance, and I lovethat because I think as moms, as
women, it's really easy for uswe're taught really early to
pick ourselves apart, to findall the things that we need to
improve on, that we need to getbetter on, and if we can do an
(16:31):
objective assessment of gosh, Ineed some new skills and it's
okay.
I'm okay where I'm at and withthe story that I have and I am
the parent that my kid or kidsneed, just as I am today.
That is a, I think, huge stepin the right direction of, yeah,
(16:56):
just good parenting and havinga getting to the end of our.
I think a lot about getting tothe end of our motherhood
journey and what that's going tofeel like, and I don't want to
have any regrets and I know themoms that I work with don't want
to have any regrets.
Right, and that's why they'redoing all of this work, but we
also don't want to pass the timetrying to improve ourselves to
(17:18):
where we miss out on beingpresent and being okay in the
present.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, I mean, that's a really, really just I keep
saying powerful, but it is areally profound message, right,
and I think it's important thatwe show our self-compassion in a
way that it models for ourdaughters, especially our sons
too, but really our daughterswhere they've stopped passing on
(17:44):
this people pleasing torch?
Yeah yeah, generation togeneration, it's getting a
little bit better over time, butyeah, for sure, nice, if we
could raise a next generation ofdaughters who got to you know
18 or 20, and didn't say, oh, Ineed to learn how to unlearn all
this people.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.
The other thing that I wasgoing to mention just that I've
seen in my work and with myselfis is making sure that we're
going slow, go slow.
Give yourself time.
Don't expect quick fixes forsomething that has taken, you
know, 20 or 30 years to buildthat habit, and so I work a lot
(18:24):
with people and with myself on.
I'm just going to literallyslow down my movement, slow down
my body, and the brain thenwill mirror that.
It will do what our body does,and that has been really
powerful, also for for me, butalso for the women that I work
with, in helping them acclimateto new things that they're
(18:48):
trying to implement.
We can go slow, our brains cancatch up.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, and I mean, I think that goes back to, you
know, the message that we weretrying to say about just this
mentality of being busy, right?
Yes, if we can just hit pause,I think, and I mean I'm on
social media a fair bit for work, and I know that you are as
well, but it is really just awindow that we're seeing into
(19:16):
people's lives and it createsthis comparison that we're in
this race against everythingelse, like oh, so-and-so is
doing that.
I got to do that too and I'vegot to do this.
And you know, I think havingthat ability to just say you
know, I'm just going to go slowhere and I'm going to enjoy the
process and I don't wish timeaway or waste it, you know I
(19:39):
that was one of my night and Idon't say this word very often
or very lightly, but that wasone of my biggest regrets of
parenting is that I would wishfor bedtime to show up and I
would wish for.
I was like, oh, when they get alittle bit older it'll be so
much easier.
And now I look back and I'mlike, oh, I just I wished so
much time away that I love to goback and just have a do over
for a little bit.
I know that's not possible, soI just want to go back and just
(20:01):
have a do-over for a little bit.
I know that's not possible, soI just want to thank you so much
for those messages.
I think that the listeners willreally resonate with that and I
really appreciate you coming onthe show today.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Thank you guys for tuning into today's episode
where we help you conquer thechaos one day at a time.
Hey, hey, mamas, welcome back to Conquering Chaos
A Mom's Guide to Self-CareInsanity.
I'm your host, sydney Crow, andtoday we have Tiffany Domikos.
She is located in Denver,colorado, and is the founder of
Holy Living Coaching andConsulting.
She helps parents build joy,connection and healing through
one-on-one parent and lifecoaching, online courses and
(00:22):
social media content.
She's a mama, wife, friend,therapist and change strategist
who has coached and supportedhundreds of individuals,
families and couples throughchanging patterns in their
thinking, in their emotions andin their behavior around work,
marriage and parentingrelationships.
She uses trauma-informed andbody-based practices for healing
(00:44):
and self-compassion.
Welcome, tiffany.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Thank you so much for having me Sydney.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
I'm excited to get to know you and have my listeners
hear more from you.
So you said that you wentthrough a profound personal
journey, from feeling completelyout of control to being able to
hone in on what your needs andthe needs of your daughter were.
Do you want to share with thelisteners a little bit about
that personal journey that ledyou to where you are today?
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, I'd be happy to .
You know, I got married alittle bit later in life.
So I was in my 30s when I gotmarried and then became a mom,
and I've been a therapistworking with kids and families
for 15 years probably closer to10 years at that point when I
became a mom.
But I sort of thought you know,I've done a ton of healing, I
work with parents every singleday.
(01:33):
This is, this is going to be nobig deal, it's going to be an
easy transition.
And what I found was that Istill had some blind spots that
I was not aware of.
And so I had this moment with mydaughter when she was 18 months
, and we do a lot of redirectionin our house.
(01:53):
That seems to work better forher.
But I had said no to her andshe laughed and I was deeply
triggered and I found myselfdoing the kind of rage monster
thing like getting really bigand angry in the face of this
little, teeny, tiny child thathas no power or control over me
(02:15):
and and I it.
It was like this bright lightin my face of wow, I have some
healing to do, I have some morework to be done and being a
therapist working with, withfamilies.
It is very different being inmy own body, with my own story,
with my own triggers and livingthose out on a day-to-day basis
(02:39):
and not having an office door toclose at the end of the day and
kind of shake it all off.
Right.
Parenthood, motherhood, is 24seven.
It is constant.
And so I was met with thereality that I have not been
trained or equipped to deal withtriggers 24 seven, and I need
to do some more work and and I'mguessing that there are other
(03:00):
people out there who also needsome help doing some more work
in this motherhood journey andand so I really dug deep.
I worked with my therapist, Iworked with some friends who are
therapists to figure out youknow what are these triggers?
Where are they coming from?
Is this really about my parents?
Is this about something youknow flawed in me?
(03:22):
And coming to a place where itwas like everybody has this
stuff, everybody gets mad,everybody gets overwhelmed,
especially in motherhood.
And when we don't have or usethe skills that we have to
manage our relationships, tomanage our bodies and our brains
(03:42):
, then yeah, we're going to have, we're going to have big
feelings and those are going tocome out to the people around us
.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
Yeah, absolutely.
I think you kind of hit thenail on the head there where,
like nothing really everprepares you for the fact that
motherhood is 24, seven.
You can do all the personaldevelopment and coaching and you
were able to help familiesprior to becoming a mom.
The second that you were inthat environment it was
completely overwhelming, becausethere is a really big shift
(04:12):
there.
It's like this whole newidentity that you're having to
wear, this whole new you knowset of skills that you're having
to develop and learn and growwith your you know a baby on
your hip or a toddler on yourhip at the same time, and you
know it's, it is overwhelming.
So how do you, how does thattranslate now into how you help
(04:36):
parents and coach them?
Do you do a lot of likepreemptive type stuff before
they become a parent, or are youthere more kind of after the
chaos kind of is consuming?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Yeah, most of my clients are.
It's after the chaos is ensuingand and unfortunately, you know
, therapy is kind of set up tobe sort of a last resort when
people are really desperate andare really struggling.
I am working with somelactation consultants who were
trying to get ahead of thatright.
(05:08):
Infanthood, the initial stagesof postpartum, those are kind of
the times where moms, whatwe're seeing in the research is
that mom's brains are sort ofreorienting especially
first-time moms to the world ofmotherhood and that is a really
important time to get some goodpractices set up, some good
(05:31):
habits of you know we'd call itself-care, but I really talk to
people about you're taking careof your brain and body and how
they connect to each other.
I think it's easy in postpartumto kind of disconnect from our
bodies because our bodies are soneeded in that postpartum
period.
But if we can stay connectedand really understand what does
(05:54):
our body need physically, whatdo we need emotionally, what do
we need spiritually, how can wefeed ourselves?
And not in a you know anotherto-do list for the self-care for
moms, right, but but in a avery like supportive rhythm of
life and asking for help,getting support from your
(06:15):
partner when you need 10 minutesto take a shower, right, some
some of those kinds of things.
So I love I love working withall kinds of parents and and
have families that have infantsup through high school.
My favorite is really those,those postpartum mamas who are
like I had no idea what I was infor and I want to set myself up
(06:39):
.
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Yeah, and I think that that's so important and
that's almost where this podcastwas born from, because I went
through that for almost nineyears where I was like what did
I sign up for?
Why was it like this?
I kind of need a refund onadulting and we had a whole
bunch of other stuff going onand I can share that in other
(07:00):
podcast episodes.
But there was this moment whereit was like this wasn't what
the books kind of told me it wasgoing to look like, or this
wasn't what the movies and thecommercials told me it was going
to look like.
And I was like maybe this is me, maybe I'm the issue right.
And there's this notion thatself-care is like going to the
(07:20):
spa on a week, like a weeklybasis or a monthly basis, and
then mom, like newborn moms, arelike how do you even like put
the baby down to have a shower?
I remember like literallyhaving my daughter in her car
seat, like on one of thosechairs, while I was showering.
She's crying, I'm crying, I'mlike I just need to wash my hair
, you know, and it's thoseyou're like is this really what
(07:42):
everyone goes through?
Like where's, like, how?
How do you Google how to have ashower with a newborn, like
there isn't stuff out there forthat, and so I think it's really
, and so it's really interestingto me that you have this team
of women that you're workingwith I'm assuming women, I mean,
there are some very few and farbetween and so working with
(08:03):
them to build this in your, inyour area, in your community and
and hopefully, into an onlinespace, so that women around the
world can start having moreresources at their fingertips.
Because there is those momentswhere you are desperate and
Googling how do I have a showerwith a newborn, what do I do?
And and really bringing thisconversation to it takes a
(08:24):
village right, there was thisseparation.
But you know, back in theforties, fifties, it takes a
village right, there was thisseparation.
You know, back in the 40s, 50s,there was a village and life
has just gotten kind ofoverwhelmingly busy for everyone
and we almost wear it as abadge of honor right when it's
like how are you?
Oh, I'm busy, and so nowthere's almost this lack of
(08:44):
village.
So I really appreciate you guysbringing the village back to
the forefront.
I think that's really powerful.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Well, and I think that the other thing that I want
to pull out from what you saidis this feeling from moms of
there's something wrong with me,I'm broken, and I think,
normalizing that for new moms,but I think for all moms, that,
hey, man, it's not just you, andit's normal to have hard days
(09:13):
and it's normal to feel completeeuphoria at points with your,
with your kiddos, and it'snormal to feel nothing.
And so when we can supportourselves, our bodies, our
brains, our emotions, then thenwe normalize some of that.
We also have some more evennessin our days.
(09:34):
The highs aren't so high, thelows aren't so low, and and we
can find that middle ground.
But but yeah, like you said,you know it's it's not just you,
it's not just me, right?
This is part of that process.
And saying that I had friendswho said, oh, parenthood is
terrible, you never get timealone, you never get this, this
(09:58):
and this.
And then other people who say,oh, it's so amazing and it's so
wonderful and everything is sogreat, and my experience was
somewhere in between those andand I think there are lots of
women who are like, well, whatam I supposed to feel?
What am I supposed to write?
And so my work really is tonormalize hey, whatever you're
feeling is normal, and let'sfigure out what for you is
(10:22):
needed to for you to feelsupported.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Yeah, and I think again that's, every single
journey is different, right, andand and.
Every mom.
If you have multiple kids,those journeys are going to be
totally, totally.
I had a relatively I meanoutside of some health stuff but
my, my first daughter wasreally great, and then when my
second one came, that's when myolder one started to have
(10:46):
behavioral stuff, and I was likewhere is this coming from?
What is happening?
And so it can be those likereally high highs and really low
lows, and I went through all ofthe emotions that you went
through in there and sometimesthat rage monster came out and I
was, yeah, it was, it's.
It's definitely challenging,and so normalizing what moms go
through on all spectrums of thejourney is so it's just really
(11:10):
powerful.
And I think it's a reallyimportant conversation for us to
be having.
Now.
You mentioned that you coachwith parents and you have a
special method that you call theSOAR method.
Can you walk us through alittle bit of that Cause?
I love the name.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Yeah, so this was a method that I sort of developed,
created I don't know what youwant to call it, but I saw I
started seeing patterns in thefamilies that I was working with
and the things that I wasworking with them on, and it
seemed like I was kind of doingthese four things, teaching
these four sets of skills, topretty much anybody who was
(11:44):
coming through my doors, and soI was like, well, let's put this
into a model that is easy toremember, people can access it
really easily.
And so the S stands for soothe,and this comes from the work of
Dan Siegel and his colleagues,with folks needing to feel safe,
seen and soothed in order tohave security.
(12:06):
When we have a secure base inourselves, we are.
That is sort of that space of,we are centered, we are our sort
of best version given thecircumstances, and I say that
with that caveat of given thecircumstances.
So if I'm in on a mountaintopby myself and I've had three
(12:27):
days of alone time, I'm a verydifferent, centered version of
myself than in the middle offamily life chaos, so that then
we can show up for ourselves butalso for the other people that
we are sort of required andrequiring ourselves to support.
(12:53):
The second skill is observation.
So once we have that soothingdown, we're observing what
happened.
So maybe someone sort offlipped their lid.
They, that rage monster, cameout.
And I, what I tell people is,their first job is to soothe
themselves.
I don't care why it happened,like, make sure everybody's safe
(13:15):
, but lay on the floor, takesome deep breaths, do what you
need to do to feel safe, seenand soothed in yourself, and
then go to the next step ofobservation.
Look around.
Why did this happen?
Where did this come from?
It probably didn't come out ofleft field.
There were probably some thingsalong the way, right, take in
that information and then do anassessment Okay, what needs to
(13:38):
happen now?
Where did this come from?
How do I need to respond?
And then that last step is theresponse, and so it's giving
parents some tangible steps andskills to develop and practice,
which I think practice is reallyimportant.
When we're developing skills,you're not going to get it right
the first time, you're notgoing to get it right the second
time.
It's lots and lots of practiceof those skills so that then,
(14:03):
when that response time getsshorter and shorter, between
being triggered and respondingin the way that you want to, as
the parent that you want to be.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
I think that that's really amazing and I love the
acronym and it is reallyimportant to note that.
You know you aren't going toget it right the first or second
time, or maybe the third,fourth or fifth.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
That's right.
It definitely takes practiceand sometimes I mean in our
personal experience I feel likesometimes my daughter can flip
her lid out of left field, andit is that kind of assessment
after the fact where I'm likewhere did this actually come
from?
My first observation is like,well, it came out of nowhere.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
It did come out of left hand.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
But then, you know, I can think back and see maybe
there were hunger cues or tired,or maybe it's just an
overstimulating experience,Right, Because they struggle
with those and I'm now learningto.
You know, just co-regulate withmy daughter that's been a big
thing for us is I can start tosense her energy where it's like
(15:10):
okay, maybe you just need me towrap my arms around you right
now.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
I don't think.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I'm mad about this.
Let's figure this out together.
But, first and foremost,sending her to her room to
regulate on her own doesn'tnecessarily work for her.
So it's like I have tosometimes remember to just pause
, and even if it feels like I'mgoing to be late for the
hundredth millionth time, it'ssomething this is more important
where I can just pause for 30seconds usually and help her
(15:38):
just come and catch her breath.
So I think, yeah, that methodis really amazing.
Is there any other pieces ofadvice that you'd love for the
listeners to know?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
I think the two things that came up for me when
I was thinking about thisinterview was self-compassion,
and I know some of your otherguests have talked about that.
I think that's a big thing inthe mama hood space lately and
in, I think, mental healthspaces lately, but I think it's
really important and I have.
(16:08):
I have a friend who saysself-awareness is wasted without
self-acceptance, and I lovethat because I think as moms, as
women, it's really easy for uswe're taught really early to
pick ourselves apart, to findall the things that we need to
improve on, that we need to getbetter on, and if we can do an
(16:31):
objective assessment of gosh, Ineed some new skills and it's
okay.
I'm okay where I'm at and withthe story that I have and I am
the parent that my kid or kidsneed, just as I am today.
That is a, I think, huge stepin the right direction of, yeah,
(16:56):
just good parenting and havinga getting to the end of our.
I think a lot about getting tothe end of our motherhood
journey and what that's going tofeel like, and I don't want to
have any regrets and I know themoms that I work with don't want
to have any regrets.
Right, and that's why they'redoing all of this work, but we
also don't want to pass the timetrying to improve ourselves to
(17:18):
where we miss out on beingpresent and being okay in the
present.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
Yeah, I mean, that's a really, really just I keep
saying powerful, but it is areally profound message, right,
and I think it's important thatwe show our self-compassion in a
way that it models for ourdaughters, especially our sons
too, but really our daughterswhere they've stopped passing on
(17:44):
this people pleasing torch?
Yeah yeah, generation togeneration, it's getting a
little bit better over time, butyeah, for sure, nice, if we
could raise a next generation ofdaughters who got to you know
18 or 20, and didn't say, oh, Ineed to learn how to unlearn all
this people.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.
The other thing that I wasgoing to mention just that I've
seen in my work and with myselfis is making sure that we're
going slow, go slow.
Give yourself time.
Don't expect quick fixes forsomething that has taken, you
know, 20 or 30 years to buildthat habit, and so I work a lot
(18:24):
with people and with myself on.
I'm just going to literallyslow down my movement, slow down
my body, and the brain thenwill mirror that.
It will do what our body does,and that has been really
powerful, also for for me, butalso for the women that I work
with, in helping them acclimateto new things that they're
(18:48):
trying to implement.
We can go slow, our brains cancatch up.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
Yeah, and I mean, I think that goes back to, you
know, the message that we weretrying to say about just this
mentality of being busy, right?
Yes, if we can just hit pause,I think, and I mean I'm on
social media a fair bit for work, and I know that you are as
well, but it is really just awindow that we're seeing into
(19:16):
people's lives and it createsthis comparison that we're in
this race against everythingelse, like oh, so-and-so is
doing that.
I got to do that too and I'vegot to do this.
And you know, I think havingthat ability to just say you
know, I'm just going to go slowhere and I'm going to enjoy the
process and I don't wish timeaway or waste it, you know I
(19:39):
that was one of my night and Idon't say this word very often
or very lightly, but that wasone of my biggest regrets of
parenting is that I would wishfor bedtime to show up and I
would wish for.
I was like, oh, when they get alittle bit older it'll be so
much easier.
And now I look back and I'mlike, oh, I just I wished so
much time away that I love to goback and just have a do over
for a little bit.
I know that's not possible, soI just want to go back and just
(20:01):
have a do-over for a little bit.
I know that's not possible, soI just want to thank you so much
for those messages.
I think that the listeners willreally resonate with that and I
really appreciate you coming onthe show today.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Thank you guys for tuning into today's episode
where we help you conquer thechaos one day at a time.
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