October 2, 2024 • 31 mins
What if the journey through motherhood could be your greatest act of self-love? Join us in this heartfelt episode of "Conquering Chaos: A Mom's Guide to Self-Care and Sanity" as we welcome Annie Joy, a certified life coach with a compelling story of resilience and growth. Annie opens up about her treasured life experiences in Arizona, juggling the roles of a single mom and an entrepreneur. With candid honesty, she shares the triumphs and trials of raising two children, including an autistic son, and how her personal challenges, including the emotional toll of past miscarriages and marriages, inspired her to create a transformative coaching program.
Ever thought about starting a business but felt overwhelmed by the daunting logistics? Annie takes us through her unexpected entrepreneurial journey, where her passion for nurturing young hearts led to the creation of a "kindness camp" now flourishing as a supportive sisterhood for girls aged 9-12. Listen as she shares the revelations and joys of aligning personal strengths with fulfilling opportunities, illustrating how acts of self-love can lead to empowering the next generation. Annie's story is a testament to the power of creating a safe space for young girls to build confidence and embrace emotional resilience before the turbulent teenage years.
In our final segment, we reflect on the profound journey of healing through motherhood and the importance of building authentic connections. Annie emphasizes the balance between self-care and parenting, and how addressing personal trauma can transform a household into a happier sanctuary. Discover the joy of meaningful family connections through simple acts like a family dance party, and be inspired to nurture deeper bonds with your loved ones. This episode is an inspiring reminder that showing up as your best self, even with imperfections, is the most precious gift you can offer your children.
Find Annie on IG - @anniejoy.speaks
https://anniejoy.com/
Mama Mental Wellness Guide: https://www.sydneycrowe.com/mamamentalwellness589191
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, hey, everybody.
Welcome back to ConqueringChaos A Mom's Guide to Self-Care
and Sanity.
I'm your host, sydney Crow, andtoday we have the amazing Annie
Joy.
She is a certified life coachwith a bachelor's in psychology.
She's dedicated to building akinder world, one conversation
at a time.
She helps people learn thetools to navigate difficult
conversations with loved ones.
(00:20):
Through her coaching and herkindness camps for kids.
She teaches skills in emotionalresilience, confidence and
communication.
Welcome, annie.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here and I love
the name of your podcast.
And where was this when I hadlittle tiny babies is what I
want to know, Right, I felt thesame way.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
I think that's kind of where I birthed this whole
idea from was because I was likeI felt so alone in that stage
and I just really want othermoms out there to just know that
all of these feelings aretotally justified and normal and
whatever you're going through,even if you don't feel like you
can say it out loud, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Yeah, 1000%.
So thank you for having thisplatform.
You're amazing.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Oh, I appreciate you saying so.
I'm so excited to dive intothis conversation.
Why don't you tell thelisteners a little bit about
yourself, how your coachingprogram got created and born,
where that came from, because Iknow you have a strong little
blessing of your own.
And, yeah, just fill everybodyin on who you are and what
you're all about.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Yes, thank you.
So I live in Arizona.
I'm actually a transplant toArizona, though.
I grew up in Utah and I movedhere, got married, had my babies
and now I'm technically stuckhere because I can't move away.
But I'm actually gratefulbecause, while I love Utah and I
love the people that are there,I've grown to fall in love with
Arizona and my crew and mycommunity is so powerful and my
(01:44):
crew and my community is sopowerful and I don't even know
what I would do if I had to move, because I had the most
incredible community around meand that's because there's lots
of good people and because Icreated it right, like I made
sure to bring those people inbecause of the things I've done
in my life, but I just remindedevery day of how many good
people there are in the world.
So I've lived in Arizona forabout 14-ish years.
(02:06):
I'm a single mom of two kids.
My oldest is 11 and he'sautistic and is a blessing and a
lesson in all of the things,and my daughter is nine and
three quarters, as she likes toremind everyone, and they're 18
months apart.
So in some ways it feels like Ihave twins.
I don't right, but they arevery close in age and
(02:30):
developmentally she's actuallypassed him up in some ways.
I like to remind her there'sother ways that he has strengths
as well that maybe you don'thave, that we all are learning
and we all are figuring out ourstrengths and weaknesses and we
have to love each other throughboth of them.
So it's been a uniqueopportunity to raise them,
because they are like the bestof friends and the best enemies,
(02:53):
which I'm sure any moms canrelate to in general, but
especially those mamas who havekids close in age.
There's like a special crazybond that they have when they're
so close.
So it is.
It is fun.
My coaching program was bornfrom a place of deep
understanding that the way I wastreating myself wasn't working
(03:14):
anymore.
So my babies are from my secondmarriage.
I always joke that I'm superclassy and I've been married
twice.
I'm so good at it, I just keepdoing it.
And my first marriage Iactually miscarried twice and at
the time that was super painfuland I was so devastated because
I wanted so desperately to be amom that felt like the best
(03:37):
expression of all my talents andgifts was to be a mom.
And I had aspirations to doother cool things with a career
or just other work related thing.
But the deepest part of me islike I want to be a mom, I want
to raise babies the way I wasn'traised, and so when those
babies were taken away from me,it was so awful.
(03:57):
But later it became such a hugeblessing because I have zero
contact with that guy and Idon't need to be around him in
any way, shape or form, which isgreat.
I wish him well and I hope thatlife is great for him.
But I don't have to worry aboutit because he's not in my life.
And when I got married again, Ithought I'd worked through a lot
of things.
I'd gone to therapy and mytherapist like kicked me out.
(04:20):
I was like you could givetherapy at this point, like
you're, but back then peopleweren't really diving into
trauma and like looking attrauma, and so we didn't really
dive into like my mom issues oryou know my childhood.
It was like, oh, here's whereyou didn't set boundaries in
this marriage, here's where youneed to like stand up for
yourself, things like that.
That's what he talked about andthat was great.
(04:41):
I'm like oh, yeah, I shouldprobably do that.
So we talked about and that wasgreat.
I'm like, oh yeah, I shouldprobably do that.
So then I carried on my merryway and I thought I was all good
and happy and healthy and Imarried this guy that is like so
opposite of my first husband inso many ways.
But once I got into marriage Ifound the common denominator.
I found men who love bombed andthen immediately turned into
(05:02):
this like I'm sorry, one secondI realize that my thing's still
on over here.
One second I thought I turnedeverything off, but the speaker
was on.
Oh good, we can do things.
I'm like, oh, that's helpful,my brain so you found the common
denominator.
Yeah, so I realized that once Iburied them, they were like oh,
(05:26):
you're so amazing, I love you somuch.
And for someone who doesn't likethemselves to have someone be
so excited about how great youare, you're like, oh my gosh, I
am great, like you feel so goodand you just jump right in these
marriages.
Well, I did.
I don't know about other people, but I sure did.
I was like, oh'm gonna snatchthis up right now, but then it
(05:50):
quickly turned into the truth ofthe matter was that they didn't
love themselves, so theycouldn't love me and I didn't
love me.
So I'm attracting people whocouldn't love me because I
couldn't love me.
So I think that they love me tothe best of the ability.
They knew how to, yeah, butthat's all they knew how to do,
and and so I internalized thatas, oh, I'm not lovable.
Therefore, I must be doingsomething wrong.
(06:12):
And I went to this seven-yearmarriage with my second husband
and I know that he did the verybest that he could and that he
has his own pains and his ownhurts, and I was, unfortunately,
the recipient of all that hurtand pain, and I think that
that's true of most of us.
We take out our pain on thepeople we love the most.
And it got really ugly andreally dark.
(06:33):
And after my second divorce, Iremember laying on the floor and
just sobbing my eyes out Like,how am I here again?
I did the work.
I'm here again.
How am I here again?
I did the work.
I'm here again.
How am I now in a place where Ihave to provide for two kids?
And they were very young theywere.
I think they were inkindergarten.
My son had repeat kindergarten,so they're in the same grade,
(06:55):
which is also fun andchallenging, and so they're like
these babies in kindergarten.
And I'm like, okay, somehow Ihave to pick up the pieces,
figure out my life again andmake sure you guys are fed.
And I have to pick up thepieces, figure out my life again
and make sure you guys are fed.
And we have a house and we haveall the things and I have to
play mom and dad.
And how am I supposed to dothat?
And I remember just feeling sodefeated and I realized that the
(07:16):
thing that came to my mind waswell, there's a common
denominator, but it wasn't amean thought.
It was like oh, oh, baby,there's something here that you
got to figure out and it was soclear to me you do not love
yourself.
You think you do like, youthink you like these things
about yourself, but you haven'tunderstood deep love yet.
(07:36):
And until you can get that deeplove for yourself, you're gonna
keep the pattern going.
Yeah, like, oh, okay.
So then we need to fix this, andthe first thought I had was to
start changing the way that Italk to myself.
I'm like, okay, fine, I startedworking on just on my negative
self-talk, and that is the pastfive years of me being single.
(07:58):
This round has been this deepdive into what it looks like to
actually love yourself, becauseto me is not.
I think I'm better thaneverybody.
It doesn't mean I look down onother people.
It doesn't mean that there'slike this division there of us
versus them.
Confidence means I know thatI'm freaking amazing, but I know
(08:20):
where my amazing comes from.
So, whatever higher power youmight believe in, it is just the
universe is also a higher power.
Like that is a beautiful thingto connect to.
And if the universe is also ahigher power, like that is a
beautiful thing to connect to.
And if the universe isconspiring for me to be in this
beautiful place, it's taking mytalents and manifesting them to
the world for a good cause.
So I think that that's what itmeans.
(08:41):
It's like I know that I havexyz talent.
I'm so good at this and this andthis, not so good at this, but
I'm not shaming myself anymorefor the things I'm so good at
this and this and this.
I'm not so good at this, butI'm not shaming myself anymore
for the things I'm not good at.
Like, I will openly tell peoplelike I yeah, I suck at
technology, I suck at directionsand I suck at math them.
(09:09):
I use a calculator for math,always, even calculating tips at
dinner.
I use a GPS for directionsbecause even if I know how to
get there, my sweet ADHD brainis going to go 9000 directions
before I get there.
So GPS reminds me.
Hey, girl, you got to turnright.
Oh yeah, no problem Right.
And like my technology issues, Igot two brothers who are
amazing at technology and evenmy dumbest questions.
I'm like hey, bro, help me withthis.
(09:30):
And they always do so.
I know what I'm good at and Iknow what I'm not good at, and I
don't get mad at myself anymorefor not being good at those
things.
I just figure it out by gettingsupport.
I don't have to have all thetalent, I just have access to
them.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Which is so important and I think that's such an
amazing lesson to learn at ayoung age is the ability to ask
for help, in whatever form thatthat looks like, whether it's a
calculator or GPS.
I mean, I need my GPS to keepme on track too, because I do
some of my best thinking behindthe wheel and then all of a
sudden I'm like oh yeah you know, right, exactly yes, bring you
(10:07):
back to reality yeah, absolutely, which may or may not be a good
thing when I'm behind the wheel, but I digress.
So fill us in a little bit moreabout your camps, because I love
that you run these kindnesscamps for kids and I think that,
like, teaching them theselessons at a really young age is
so, so important.
You know, we're going to beraising this next generation of
(10:29):
women and kids, but womenespecially in my head that are
not going to have to repeat thesame layers of therapy and
peeling back the onion andunlearning a whole bunch of
behaviors that we picked up whenwe were younger.
So tell us a little bit aboutthese camps.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
I love that, thank you.
It has been one of my greatestjoys to learn how to figure out
how to do this, because I wouldnot say like, oh, I'm this
entrepreneur at heart, I'm this.
I've always dreamed of havingmy own business, like that
wasn't something I reallythought I was going to do, and
so to try to figure out evenlike how to set up an LLC or to
(11:06):
any of it, has been like thisgradual process, because it's
not my forte and I've had to askfor a lot of help and throw a
lot of things in the wall tofigure out what sticks.
And I remember it was twosummers ago that I had this
thought I was trying so hard toget coaching rolling and it was
just not working.
And I'm like it's not myabilities, I have confidence in
my abilities.
What is not working?
(11:27):
And this thought just came tomy mind People pay for their
kids, for one, and that pulls attheir heartstrings and you're
good with kids, so why are youignoring that?
I feel like I had to pick oneor the other and I was like you
don't have to pick one, you canstill work with women and you're
good with kids.
Let's embrace both parts of you.
(11:50):
That's fun for kids because Iyou know I stay pretty tame when
I'm doing an interview, but Imean I will crump it out.
I dance, party, I sing crazysentences, like I.
Just I'm very fun for kids andmy teacher, my kids' teachers,
will joke like they're growingup with a cartoon character
because I'm jazz hands and youknow it is, it's a good time at
our house.
But I was like, okay, let'sstep into that.
(12:12):
What would that look like?
Amazing thing is that when youstep into co-creating with
whoever you think you'reco-creating with, yeah, I, I
personally subscribe to God.
That's my flavor ofspirituality and everyone's is
beautiful and I love it.
I have friends of all walks ofreligion and spirituality and I
learned so much from everysingle one of them, and so for
(12:34):
me I'm like, okay, what are wemaking here?
And all of a sudden it justbecame so clear.
It was like, oh, you're gonnacall it kindness camp, cool,
here's the things you're gonnatalk about, cool, and here's
what you're gonna do.
I was like, okay, I can figurethat out, so I'm calling places
to talk about cool and here'swhat you're going to do.
I was like, okay, I can figurethat out, so I'm calling places
to find a venue and I'm figuringout all.
You need event insurance.
How do I find event insurancecool?
(12:54):
This is how much you do.
Oh, I overpaid the first time.
Now I know not to do that like.
The learning process has beenhuge for sure, and what's so fun
is that when I first started Iwas like, okay, eight to 10 is
like this beautiful pre teenagerage.
That's like child development.
(13:14):
Wise, their brain is on fire.
Right, they are these sponges.
They are still like, so willingto learn stuff and they are
just so excited to like look upto adults.
Still, you know.
So I was like, okay, great age,let's hit this age like the
eight to 10 year olds, and let'sdo boys and girls, cause I want
all kids to feel included.
And then I found out puttingboys and girls together at this
(13:39):
age is tough, especially whenyou're talking about your
feelings and what's going on foryou.
And so what's cool is at firstI was really nervous, but this
summer I have changed gears inthe camp and what I'm realizing
is actually me changing theformat of the camp is this
incredible act of self-love andthis incredible chance for me to
(14:02):
not be a people pleaser.
I was like, oh, we got toinclude everyone, we got to do
five weeks and we gotta dodifferent locations and wanting
to let everybody be there and itcomes from a good place.
Like that's the thing peopleknock on.
People pleasers like listen,you should love us, okay,
because we're the ones who wantto.
Like make sure everyone comesto the party.
Yeah, you know, likeinclusivity is at my core, like
(14:25):
I want people to feel includedand and I can personally include
all the people in my life, butwhen it comes to this business,
I have to serve the way thatmakes the most sense for me and
my life and my talents.
I was like, oh, okay.
So now that I have had all these, these boys at my camp and I
had one week that was likemostly boys, and then my
daughter and it was rough, andthese poor boys are like we're
(14:49):
doing what we're painting rocks,like they hated it, right, and
I realized it wasn't because I'mdoing something wrong.
I'm not leaning into my talentshard enough.
My talents are I am a girlparty, I am dance party, paint
your nails, talk about yourfeelings, stay up till midnight
eating ice cream like that is myvibe, I love it and okay.
(15:11):
So let's lean into that.
Great, I'm a great girl teacher.
I connect really well withyoung girls and with women, so
let's lean into that.
And how can I stir them thebest, get the boys out of the
way, create a sisterhood?
And I bumped the age up alittle bit.
It is now like fourth to sixthgrade, so it's a little bit more
like nine, 10 to 12.
(15:32):
Cause I thought you know, if Icould have learned before I went
to junior high that I havevalue, that I can say something
and I have something to say.
That's important and people canlisten to me and I can listen
to other people.
Like I know those skills,skills, man, I think junior high
would have been a little bitdifferent.
And I mean, junior high willalways be rough.
It's like a rite of passage,you know, kind of a horrible.
(15:55):
Yes, no one wants to repeat it,right, but like if I could give
them some tools to have atleast a better experience in
junior high and then the rest oftheir life, yeah, right,
because as a mom I'm watching mykids and they've been through a
lot.
My son's autistic, my daughterhad a birth defect as a baby and
(16:16):
almost died.
She has a birth defect as a 40%mortality rate.
She had two weeks in the PICUand it was.
It was a traumatic experienceand she's been to some trauma
therapy and her therapist said,like when you have babies who
have these kinds of issues,their body remembers the trauma
that they experienced and so andthen they got their parents got
divorced and our marriage wasso unhealthy is the word I'm
(16:41):
going to use and so they watchthat and so they've had all
these hard things happen to them.
But you know, what's so cool towatch is that my kids are
thriving.
They're not perfect by anystretch, but we talk a lot about
feelings in my house and eventheir dad, like his girlfriend's
also like a psychology degree,like they're talking about those
things at their house too andwe're really inundating our kids
(17:03):
with it's okay to say how youfeel and it's okay to like
yourself and it's okay to speakup and and sometimes I have to
tell her to advocate to her dadlike, hey, if you don't like
what dad's saying, I can't fixthis for you.
What can you say to stand upfor yourself and cause.
That's going to be true for anyadult in her life.
She's not going to agree withevery adult around her.
True, for any adult in her life, she's not going to agree with
(17:26):
every adult around her.
And so to watch my sweetnine-year-old, who is this tiny
little ray of joy, to be able totell people what she knows,
what she likes about herself,that my daughter legit says
things like oh, mom, that soundslike that was hard how she
talks, because that's what we doin my house, right, and please
bless.
I am not a perfect human beingby any stretch of imagination.
(17:49):
I just have taken the pain thatI experienced in my childhood
in my marriages.
I'm like no more, the buckstops here.
My kids will not experience thekind of childhood that I did,
and so we spend a lot of timeworking on those things.
We have a mini kindness camp atmy house every day, cause we
talk about confidence andcommunication and emotional
wellbeing and how to beinclusive and how to be a leader
(18:12):
and what does that look like?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
And we break it down, and it is such a gift to be
able to heal myself enough to bein a place where I can help
them drastically change theirfuture, which is all you can ask
for right, all you can do,beautiful situation and story,
(18:37):
and thank you for doing what youdo and building this platform,
because it is so important tohelp equip these, like this next
generation, with the tools thatwe didn't have growing up.
You know, our generation wastold to kind of sit down and be
quiet.
We weren't allowed to speak up,right.
Like oh, you know, you feelcrummy like well, too bad.
Or I'll give you something toreally cry about, kind of those
(18:57):
types of phrases, right?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Oh yeah, who hasn't heard that phrase?
I'll give you something to cryabout.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Like oh, okay, will you?
You already did so.
That's cool, exactly, exactly,and so I just love that you are
creating the space for younggirls.
My daughters are almost 10 andno, almost nine and 11.
They're eight and 10 right nowand you know it is.
It's such a an amazing, amazingage, but also they're starting
to have these challenges right,like it's like you want them to
be able to speak up on howthey're feeling, but also trying
(19:32):
to teach them, do it in a kindway, like there is this like
gray area for them where it'slike this is just not.
This is how I feel and I'm madabout it and I'm like, yeah, but
also kindness, we can maybelearn how to say these in nicer
ways right, right.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Well, that's together too, and it's, yeah, best of
friends and worst enemies, andyes, totally, and that's the
thing like we dive into like theemotion piece of the camp.
It's like we have thesefeelings but we're responsible
for our feelings, and thatdoesn't give us the right to
dump our feelings on otherpeople.
And we talk about, like theimpact of when we have a book we
(20:08):
read.
It's called how full is yourbucket.
It's a pretty popular book, butit talks about like everyone
has this bucket and then we sayand do these things, empty each
other's buckets, which is a fineline too, because I'm not
responsible for other people howthey feel, but I do have an
impact on other people, and sowe are aware of our impact and
we're aware of other people'simpact on us, and so it is a
(20:31):
fine line.
But I and I don't I can't sayfor certain, right, my
daughter's not an adult yet, butif already at this age she can
do these things, I can onlyforesee and project this like
better future for her, that shewon't end up in the relationship
that I've been in, cause mymarriages were not the only bad
relationships I was in.
(20:51):
All of them up to this pointhave been bad, which is why I'm
choosing to be single at thispoint, because I will not get
married unless there's someone.
I think is incredible, and Ihave not met that person, and so
we are standing still in thisspace of until he rocks my world
.
We're staying here, but I, myhope, is that if I give these
(21:12):
things to her and I instillwithin her a sense of value and
a sense of all these things andall these tools, she won't even
tolerate that kind of behavior.
Yeah, I did.
I let it happen because Ididn't think I deserved any
better and I didn't know anybetter.
But this chick is going to knowbetter.
So when she has a boy treat herbadly, she's going to say oh no
, thank you.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Yes, which is so good .
And you're also teaching herthat when you don't know the
next right step, that it's okayto just pause and stand still,
which I think is so powerful,because a lot of society is like
what's the next thing?
What's the next thing?
I know when I was growing up,this checklist I had to, like go
to college, get the job, getmarried, do the things, and I
felt like if I wasn't performingand I wasn't doing the next
(21:54):
thing on the list, then you knowI didn't have value, I wasn't
putting worth out into the world.
And so to just teach her tojust pause and say, hey, like I
don't need somebody to validateme and I don't need somebody to
make me feel whole, I'm okay tojust pause, I'm sure somebody's
out there and it becomes long,fantastic, and if not, then I'm
good, right, like it sets thejust such a beautiful precedent
(22:17):
for her to just know that it'sokay to hit pause every once in
a while, because life isn'tgoing to be constant motion.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So no, well said, I love it.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
What would you say?
The biggest difference on yourparenting journey has been.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I love your question.
I think they're so powerful.
I think that honestly I knowit's kind of touches on what we
talked about but learning toheal me has been the biggest
game changer in my motherhood,because I once had a coach talk
to me about we're talking abouttrauma and kind of digging into
some things with my childhood,and she talked about how and if
(22:54):
you didn't get shown how toparent, you were out here just
drowning to learn how to swim inthe deep end, not knowing what
to do, and so quit beatingyourself up for not knowing what
to do and so quit beatingyourself up for not knowing what
to do.
If it wasn't modeled for you,how would you know that?
And so you focus on healing theparts of you that are hurting
so deeply, and it's just goingto open up the door for you to
(23:16):
know how you want to parent.
I was like okay, that's fair, Ilike that.
So I have spent a majority of mymotherhood learning how to heal
myself, and I know that we getin these conundrums, right.
I'm like I want to spend timeon myself, but then I feel
selfish.
But I know it's not selfish.
They say it's not selfish andwe get in these like loops.
I do these anxiety loops oflike well, I need to take time
(23:39):
away so I'm a better person.
But then it's so much work totake a step back from your kid
because you have to find ababysitter.
You got it.
It's so many things and I cancompletely relate to that.
I just I can say that there isnothing more important than your
own healing.
When mama is healed, it is ahappier house, a hundred percent
(24:00):
.
It just is.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
You've got two women here telling you the exact same
story.
Because when you have healedyourself, you show up better.
So I love that.
Last question before we signoff what would you say your like
number one piece of advice?
Like, obviously we need to dothe work, we need to heal
ourselves, but when you areraising kids, raising strong
willed blessings, what would yousay your number one piece of
(24:25):
advice is to help the moms outthere.
I can, can, I, I'm going to.
I'm going to add onto that,because you did touch on on a
community that you were able tobuild.
I'd love for you to be able tohighlight how you were able to
do that, cause I don't thinkit's an easy task when you are
feeling isolated.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Totally yeah, so I can talk about the community
piece for just a second, andthen the advice.
So the community is crucial.
I think that we are meant to bein communities.
If we were meant to be allalone, we would be.
We're put on this earth infamilies.
We are living in neighborhoods.
We have communities all aroundus.
(25:03):
It's accessing that communityand I think that the most
powerful way for me to be ableto create that community is to
be fully myself.
Brene Brown talks a lot aboutthat.
That like community is likebelonging to yourself first and
not trying to put yourself insome box so that people will
like you.
Yes, and at the end, so I thinkit's being yourself, because
(25:25):
when you are just fully yourself, you magnetize to you the
people that are like you.
You just do.
And I think the other part ofit is that we have to be brave
enough to be vulnerable, and Iknow that sucks and I know that
it's scary to be like what ifthey don't like it?
But then that's through yourwork, take a step back, do some
(25:46):
journaling and say what happensif they don't like me.
What does that mean?
If I open up and say, hey, thisthing's really hard for me, or
I have this problem, or I needsome help, or whatever.
Is the scary vulnerable thing?
Write down what is the scaryvulnerable thing that you want
to say but you don't, you're tooscared to.
And then what would happen ifthey rejected it?
What would that mean about you?
(26:07):
What are you making it mean?
What's wrong with that?
And that's where you get to digin Cause.
Then you get to say, oh, mama,you are your own best
cheerleader.
You know exactly what to say toyourself.
Like, can you have your ownback If someone doesn't like
what you have to say?
Because nine times out out often, when I have probably,
honestly, probably ten times outof ten, when I have opened up
and said, hey, this thing's hardfor me or I'm doing this, like
(26:30):
when I risk that vulnerability,it is almost always matched with
love and compassion.
There is something so beautifulabout women sharing with each
other, and so be yourself, bevulnerable and watch the magic
happen.
I love that, because whenyou're yeah, because when you're
vulnerable too, then you havecompassion for them being
(26:52):
vulnerable, because when you areall like, just love is always
the answer.
Love yourself, love otherpeople, love yourself enough to
speak up and then it justcircles around you.
And I've been practicing thisfor years.
So I'm in a different space nowwhere I then when I first had
babies but being able to createthat has been so beautiful to
(27:13):
see the magic happen.
And then the last piece ofadvice I would give to another
mom is that everything else canwait.
Connection with your babiescannot.
I know that my babies are notvery old they're only nine and
(27:34):
11, but those years have gone sofast and the thing that I don't
regret is how much time I'vespent with them.
And yes, there were times thatI was crying in the closet
because my husband was being somean and hurtful and I was
devastated trying to figure outmy marriage.
But for the majority of theirlife I've tried to show up the
very best that I can.
And this is not to ever shameany part of your life or your
motherhood where you didn't showup because you couldn't in that
(27:56):
moment.
And that's okay.
We are never going to show up ahundred percent all the time.
That would be exhausting.
So no, thank you Not going tohappen, but the more we can
figure out how again to healourselves, love ourselves, show
up with our kids, thatconnection with them.
You are never going to get thattime back.
There's a lot of things youcould go buy more of, or
(28:18):
whatever, but you'll never getthe time back.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
No, you won't.
And I mean I did.
I spent a lot of my kids earlyyears struggling and like
wishing to bedtime and I can'tget that time back Right.
I wished it away and so it is.
You know, I did the best withwhat I could, with what I had.
You know, if I could go backand do it all again, that advice
would be paramount, for sure.
(28:42):
It's just spending Absolutelyand do it all again that advice
would be paramount, for sure.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
It's just stemming Absolutely.
The thing is, too, though, isthat we can get really stuck in
that why could have had this andI wasted that time, or whatever
.
None of it is a waste.
All of it is a chance foropportunity for growth and
learning right, because thetimes that I was like hiding in
my closet, you're like I don'twant to talk to these fools.
You know, those moments arereflective moments for you to
say why didn't I want to bearound them?
(29:05):
What needs were not being met?
So that's what I want you toask yourself, mama, is what
needs are not being met for youright now?
Because it's not that you're abad mom.
We all have moments we want topunch our kids in the face, like
we all have them.
Hopefully, we're not doing that.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Well, we all have it.
We're like.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
I hate you so much right now, like we all have them
, but it's just a chance to stepback and reflect Okay, what is
it that's not being met rightnow?
How can I meet those needs?
Cause they will never meet yourneeds, they will never fill
your cup.
That's not their job.
Yeah, it's not supposed to betheir job, no.
(29:41):
So the beautiful thing about theconnection though it will
hopefully pull you out of anyshame spiral you might put
yourself in it is never too lateto connect with the people you
love never.
You can start right now and itdoesn't matter.
I've had some guilt about thetimes that I checked out from
them because I was so depressedin my marriage, but guess what?
They don't ever talk about that.
They talk about last weekendgoing to Aloha festival or going
(30:04):
to the movie together, like,and yes, that's all part of them
.
But you get to heal as a family, the more you connect.
And maybe you need outsidesources, right.
Maybe you need coaching ortherapy to heal those things.
I'm not disregarding thosebecause obviously I believe in
them, but there is so muchhealing and connecting right now
.
So if you today go do a danceparty with them or whatever it
(30:25):
is you're going to do to connectwith them.
It will heal and it willcontinue to heal.
So you're it's never too lateto connect.
You can always get back to thatconnection.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Oh, so beautiful.
Well, thank you so much forbeing on the show today, annie,
and thank you guys for tuning intoday's episode where we help
you conquer the chaos, one dayat a time.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Welcome back to ConqueringChaos A Mom's Guide to Self-Care
and Sanity.
I'm your host, sydney Crow, andtoday we have the amazing Annie
Joy.
She is a certified life coachwith a bachelor's in psychology.
She's dedicated to building akinder world, one conversation
at a time.
She helps people learn thetools to navigate difficult
conversations with loved ones.
(00:20):
Through her coaching and herkindness camps for kids.
She teaches skills in emotionalresilience, confidence and
communication.
Welcome, annie.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Thank you, I'm so excited to be here and I love
the name of your podcast.
And where was this when I hadlittle tiny babies is what I
want to know, Right, I felt thesame way.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
I think that's kind of where I birthed this whole
idea from was because I was likeI felt so alone in that stage
and I just really want othermoms out there to just know that
all of these feelings aretotally justified and normal and
whatever you're going through,even if you don't feel like you
can say it out loud, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Yeah, 1000%.
So thank you for having thisplatform.
You're amazing.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Oh, I appreciate you saying so.
I'm so excited to dive intothis conversation.
Why don't you tell thelisteners a little bit about
yourself, how your coachingprogram got created and born,
where that came from, because Iknow you have a strong little
blessing of your own.
And, yeah, just fill everybodyin on who you are and what
you're all about.
I love that.
Speaker 2 (01:21):
Yes, thank you.
So I live in Arizona.
I'm actually a transplant toArizona, though.
I grew up in Utah and I movedhere, got married, had my babies
and now I'm technically stuckhere because I can't move away.
But I'm actually gratefulbecause, while I love Utah and I
love the people that are there,I've grown to fall in love with
Arizona and my crew and mycommunity is so powerful and my
(01:44):
crew and my community is sopowerful and I don't even know
what I would do if I had to move, because I had the most
incredible community around meand that's because there's lots
of good people and because Icreated it right, like I made
sure to bring those people inbecause of the things I've done
in my life, but I just remindedevery day of how many good
people there are in the world.
So I've lived in Arizona forabout 14-ish years.
(02:06):
I'm a single mom of two kids.
My oldest is 11 and he'sautistic and is a blessing and a
lesson in all of the things,and my daughter is nine and
three quarters, as she likes toremind everyone, and they're 18
months apart.
So in some ways it feels like Ihave twins.
I don't right, but they arevery close in age and
(02:30):
developmentally she's actuallypassed him up in some ways.
I like to remind her there'sother ways that he has strengths
as well that maybe you don'thave, that we all are learning
and we all are figuring out ourstrengths and weaknesses and we
have to love each other throughboth of them.
So it's been a uniqueopportunity to raise them,
because they are like the bestof friends and the best enemies,
(02:53):
which I'm sure any moms canrelate to in general, but
especially those mamas who havekids close in age.
There's like a special crazybond that they have when they're
so close.
So it is.
It is fun.
My coaching program was bornfrom a place of deep
understanding that the way I wastreating myself wasn't working
(03:14):
anymore.
So my babies are from my secondmarriage.
I always joke that I'm superclassy and I've been married
twice.
I'm so good at it, I just keepdoing it.
And my first marriage Iactually miscarried twice and at
the time that was super painfuland I was so devastated because
I wanted so desperately to be amom that felt like the best
(03:37):
expression of all my talents andgifts was to be a mom.
And I had aspirations to doother cool things with a career
or just other work related thing.
But the deepest part of me islike I want to be a mom, I want
to raise babies the way I wasn'traised, and so when those
babies were taken away from me,it was so awful.
(03:57):
But later it became such a hugeblessing because I have zero
contact with that guy and Idon't need to be around him in
any way, shape or form, which isgreat.
I wish him well and I hope thatlife is great for him.
But I don't have to worry aboutit because he's not in my life.
And when I got married again, Ithought I'd worked through a lot
of things.
I'd gone to therapy and mytherapist like kicked me out.
(04:20):
I was like you could givetherapy at this point, like
you're, but back then peopleweren't really diving into
trauma and like looking attrauma, and so we didn't really
dive into like my mom issues oryou know my childhood.
It was like, oh, here's whereyou didn't set boundaries in
this marriage, here's where youneed to like stand up for
yourself, things like that.
That's what he talked about andthat was great.
(04:41):
I'm like oh, yeah, I shouldprobably do that.
So we talked about and that wasgreat.
I'm like, oh yeah, I shouldprobably do that.
So then I carried on my merryway and I thought I was all good
and happy and healthy and Imarried this guy that is like so
opposite of my first husband inso many ways.
But once I got into marriage Ifound the common denominator.
I found men who love bombed andthen immediately turned into
(05:02):
this like I'm sorry, one secondI realize that my thing's still
on over here.
One second I thought I turnedeverything off, but the speaker
was on.
Oh good, we can do things.
I'm like, oh, that's helpful,my brain so you found the common
denominator.
Yeah, so I realized that once Iburied them, they were like oh,
(05:26):
you're so amazing, I love you somuch.
And for someone who doesn't likethemselves to have someone be
so excited about how great youare, you're like, oh my gosh, I
am great, like you feel so goodand you just jump right in these
marriages.
Well, I did.
I don't know about other people, but I sure did.
I was like, oh'm gonna snatchthis up right now, but then it
(05:50):
quickly turned into the truth ofthe matter was that they didn't
love themselves, so theycouldn't love me and I didn't
love me.
So I'm attracting people whocouldn't love me because I
couldn't love me.
So I think that they love me tothe best of the ability.
They knew how to, yeah, butthat's all they knew how to do,
and and so I internalized thatas, oh, I'm not lovable.
Therefore, I must be doingsomething wrong.
(06:12):
And I went to this seven-yearmarriage with my second husband
and I know that he did the verybest that he could and that he
has his own pains and his ownhurts, and I was, unfortunately,
the recipient of all that hurtand pain, and I think that
that's true of most of us.
We take out our pain on thepeople we love the most.
And it got really ugly andreally dark.
(06:33):
And after my second divorce, Iremember laying on the floor and
just sobbing my eyes out Like,how am I here again?
I did the work.
I'm here again.
How am I here again?
I did the work.
I'm here again.
How am I now in a place where Ihave to provide for two kids?
And they were very young theywere.
I think they were inkindergarten.
My son had repeat kindergarten,so they're in the same grade,
(06:55):
which is also fun andchallenging, and so they're like
these babies in kindergarten.
And I'm like, okay, somehow Ihave to pick up the pieces,
figure out my life again andmake sure you guys are fed.
And I have to pick up thepieces, figure out my life again
and make sure you guys are fed.
And we have a house and we haveall the things and I have to
play mom and dad.
And how am I supposed to dothat?
And I remember just feeling sodefeated and I realized that the
(07:16):
thing that came to my mind waswell, there's a common
denominator, but it wasn't amean thought.
It was like oh, oh, baby,there's something here that you
got to figure out and it was soclear to me you do not love
yourself.
You think you do like, youthink you like these things
about yourself, but you haven'tunderstood deep love yet.
(07:36):
And until you can get that deeplove for yourself, you're gonna
keep the pattern going.
Yeah, like, oh, okay.
So then we need to fix this, andthe first thought I had was to
start changing the way that Italk to myself.
I'm like, okay, fine, I startedworking on just on my negative
self-talk, and that is the pastfive years of me being single.
(07:58):
This round has been this deepdive into what it looks like to
actually love yourself, becauseto me is not.
I think I'm better thaneverybody.
It doesn't mean I look down onother people.
It doesn't mean that there'slike this division there of us
versus them.
Confidence means I know thatI'm freaking amazing, but I know
(08:20):
where my amazing comes from.
So, whatever higher power youmight believe in, it is just the
universe is also a higher power.
Like that is a beautiful thingto connect to.
And if the universe is also ahigher power, like that is a
beautiful thing to connect to.
And if the universe isconspiring for me to be in this
beautiful place, it's taking mytalents and manifesting them to
the world for a good cause.
So I think that that's what itmeans.
(08:41):
It's like I know that I havexyz talent.
I'm so good at this and this andthis, not so good at this, but
I'm not shaming myself anymorefor the things I'm so good at
this and this and this.
I'm not so good at this, butI'm not shaming myself anymore
for the things I'm not good at.
Like, I will openly tell peoplelike I yeah, I suck at
technology, I suck at directionsand I suck at math them.
(09:09):
I use a calculator for math,always, even calculating tips at
dinner.
I use a GPS for directionsbecause even if I know how to
get there, my sweet ADHD brainis going to go 9000 directions
before I get there.
So GPS reminds me.
Hey, girl, you got to turnright.
Oh yeah, no problem Right.
And like my technology issues, Igot two brothers who are
amazing at technology and evenmy dumbest questions.
I'm like hey, bro, help me withthis.
(09:30):
And they always do so.
I know what I'm good at and Iknow what I'm not good at, and I
don't get mad at myself anymorefor not being good at those
things.
I just figure it out by gettingsupport.
I don't have to have all thetalent, I just have access to
them.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Which is so important and I think that's such an
amazing lesson to learn at ayoung age is the ability to ask
for help, in whatever form thatthat looks like, whether it's a
calculator or GPS.
I mean, I need my GPS to keepme on track too, because I do
some of my best thinking behindthe wheel and then all of a
sudden I'm like oh yeah you know, right, exactly yes, bring you
(10:07):
back to reality yeah, absolutely, which may or may not be a good
thing when I'm behind the wheel, but I digress.
So fill us in a little bit moreabout your camps, because I love
that you run these kindnesscamps for kids and I think that,
like, teaching them theselessons at a really young age is
so, so important.
You know, we're going to beraising this next generation of
(10:29):
women and kids, but womenespecially in my head that are
not going to have to repeat thesame layers of therapy and
peeling back the onion andunlearning a whole bunch of
behaviors that we picked up whenwe were younger.
So tell us a little bit aboutthese camps.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
I love that, thank you.
It has been one of my greatestjoys to learn how to figure out
how to do this, because I wouldnot say like, oh, I'm this
entrepreneur at heart, I'm this.
I've always dreamed of havingmy own business, like that
wasn't something I reallythought I was going to do, and
so to try to figure out evenlike how to set up an LLC or to
(11:06):
any of it, has been like thisgradual process, because it's
not my forte and I've had to askfor a lot of help and throw a
lot of things in the wall tofigure out what sticks.
And I remember it was twosummers ago that I had this
thought I was trying so hard toget coaching rolling and it was
just not working.
And I'm like it's not myabilities, I have confidence in
my abilities.
What is not working?
(11:27):
And this thought just came tomy mind People pay for their
kids, for one, and that pulls attheir heartstrings and you're
good with kids, so why are youignoring that?
I feel like I had to pick oneor the other and I was like you
don't have to pick one, you canstill work with women and you're
good with kids.
Let's embrace both parts of you.
(11:50):
That's fun for kids because Iyou know I stay pretty tame when
I'm doing an interview, but Imean I will crump it out.
I dance, party, I sing crazysentences, like I.
Just I'm very fun for kids andmy teacher, my kids' teachers,
will joke like they're growingup with a cartoon character
because I'm jazz hands and youknow it is, it's a good time at
our house.
But I was like, okay, let'sstep into that.
(12:12):
What would that look like?
Amazing thing is that when youstep into co-creating with
whoever you think you'reco-creating with, yeah, I, I
personally subscribe to God.
That's my flavor ofspirituality and everyone's is
beautiful and I love it.
I have friends of all walks ofreligion and spirituality and I
learned so much from everysingle one of them, and so for
(12:34):
me I'm like, okay, what are wemaking here?
And all of a sudden it justbecame so clear.
It was like, oh, you're gonnacall it kindness camp, cool,
here's the things you're gonnatalk about, cool, and here's
what you're gonna do.
I was like, okay, I can figurethat out, so I'm calling places
to talk about cool and here'swhat you're going to do.
I was like, okay, I can figurethat out, so I'm calling places
to find a venue and I'm figuringout all.
You need event insurance.
How do I find event insurancecool?
(12:54):
This is how much you do.
Oh, I overpaid the first time.
Now I know not to do that like.
The learning process has beenhuge for sure, and what's so fun
is that when I first started Iwas like, okay, eight to 10 is
like this beautiful pre teenagerage.
That's like child development.
(13:14):
Wise, their brain is on fire.
Right, they are these sponges.
They are still like, so willingto learn stuff and they are
just so excited to like look upto adults.
Still, you know.
So I was like, okay, great age,let's hit this age like the
eight to 10 year olds, and let'sdo boys and girls, cause I want
all kids to feel included.
And then I found out puttingboys and girls together at this
(13:39):
age is tough, especially whenyou're talking about your
feelings and what's going on foryou.
And so what's cool is at firstI was really nervous, but this
summer I have changed gears inthe camp and what I'm realizing
is actually me changing theformat of the camp is this
incredible act of self-love andthis incredible chance for me to
(14:02):
not be a people pleaser.
I was like, oh, we got toinclude everyone, we got to do
five weeks and we gotta dodifferent locations and wanting
to let everybody be there and itcomes from a good place.
Like that's the thing peopleknock on.
People pleasers like listen,you should love us, okay,
because we're the ones who wantto.
Like make sure everyone comesto the party.
Yeah, you know, likeinclusivity is at my core, like
(14:25):
I want people to feel includedand and I can personally include
all the people in my life, butwhen it comes to this business,
I have to serve the way thatmakes the most sense for me and
my life and my talents.
I was like, oh, okay.
So now that I have had all these, these boys at my camp and I
had one week that was likemostly boys, and then my
daughter and it was rough, andthese poor boys are like we're
(14:49):
doing what we're painting rocks,like they hated it, right, and
I realized it wasn't because I'mdoing something wrong.
I'm not leaning into my talentshard enough.
My talents are I am a girlparty, I am dance party, paint
your nails, talk about yourfeelings, stay up till midnight
eating ice cream like that is myvibe, I love it and okay.
(15:11):
So let's lean into that.
Great, I'm a great girl teacher.
I connect really well withyoung girls and with women, so
let's lean into that.
And how can I stir them thebest, get the boys out of the
way, create a sisterhood?
And I bumped the age up alittle bit.
It is now like fourth to sixthgrade, so it's a little bit more
like nine, 10 to 12.
(15:32):
Cause I thought you know, if Icould have learned before I went
to junior high that I havevalue, that I can say something
and I have something to say.
That's important and people canlisten to me and I can listen
to other people.
Like I know those skills,skills, man, I think junior high
would have been a little bitdifferent.
And I mean, junior high willalways be rough.
It's like a rite of passage,you know, kind of a horrible.
(15:55):
Yes, no one wants to repeat it,right, but like if I could give
them some tools to have atleast a better experience in
junior high and then the rest oftheir life, yeah, right,
because as a mom I'm watching mykids and they've been through a
lot.
My son's autistic, my daughterhad a birth defect as a baby and
(16:16):
almost died.
She has a birth defect as a 40%mortality rate.
She had two weeks in the PICUand it was.
It was a traumatic experienceand she's been to some trauma
therapy and her therapist said,like when you have babies who
have these kinds of issues,their body remembers the trauma
that they experienced and so andthen they got their parents got
divorced and our marriage wasso unhealthy is the word I'm
(16:41):
going to use and so they watchthat and so they've had all
these hard things happen to them.
But you know, what's so cool towatch is that my kids are
thriving.
They're not perfect by anystretch, but we talk a lot about
feelings in my house and eventheir dad, like his girlfriend's
also like a psychology degree,like they're talking about those
things at their house too andwe're really inundating our kids
(17:03):
with it's okay to say how youfeel and it's okay to like
yourself and it's okay to speakup and and sometimes I have to
tell her to advocate to her dadlike, hey, if you don't like
what dad's saying, I can't fixthis for you.
What can you say to stand upfor yourself and cause.
That's going to be true for anyadult in her life.
She's not going to agree withevery adult around her.
True, for any adult in her life, she's not going to agree with
(17:26):
every adult around her.
And so to watch my sweetnine-year-old, who is this tiny
little ray of joy, to be able totell people what she knows,
what she likes about herself,that my daughter legit says
things like oh, mom, that soundslike that was hard how she
talks, because that's what we doin my house, right, and please
bless.
I am not a perfect human beingby any stretch of imagination.
(17:49):
I just have taken the pain thatI experienced in my childhood
in my marriages.
I'm like no more, the buckstops here.
My kids will not experience thekind of childhood that I did,
and so we spend a lot of timeworking on those things.
We have a mini kindness camp atmy house every day, cause we
talk about confidence andcommunication and emotional
wellbeing and how to beinclusive and how to be a leader
(18:12):
and what does that look like?
Speaker 1 (18:13):
And we break it down, and it is such a gift to be
able to heal myself enough to bein a place where I can help
them drastically change theirfuture, which is all you can ask
for right, all you can do,beautiful situation and story,
(18:37):
and thank you for doing what youdo and building this platform,
because it is so important tohelp equip these, like this next
generation, with the tools thatwe didn't have growing up.
You know, our generation wastold to kind of sit down and be
quiet.
We weren't allowed to speak up,right.
Like oh, you know, you feelcrummy like well, too bad.
Or I'll give you something toreally cry about, kind of those
(18:57):
types of phrases, right?
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Oh yeah, who hasn't heard that phrase?
I'll give you something to cryabout.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Like oh, okay, will you?
You already did so.
That's cool, exactly, exactly,and so I just love that you are
creating the space for younggirls.
My daughters are almost 10 andno, almost nine and 11.
They're eight and 10 right nowand you know it is.
It's such a an amazing, amazingage, but also they're starting
to have these challenges right,like it's like you want them to
be able to speak up on howthey're feeling, but also trying
(19:32):
to teach them, do it in a kindway, like there is this like
gray area for them where it'slike this is just not.
This is how I feel and I'm madabout it and I'm like, yeah, but
also kindness, we can maybelearn how to say these in nicer
ways right, right.
Speaker 2 (19:45):
Well, that's together too, and it's, yeah, best of
friends and worst enemies, andyes, totally, and that's the
thing like we dive into like theemotion piece of the camp.
It's like we have thesefeelings but we're responsible
for our feelings, and thatdoesn't give us the right to
dump our feelings on otherpeople.
And we talk about, like theimpact of when we have a book we
(20:08):
read.
It's called how full is yourbucket.
It's a pretty popular book, butit talks about like everyone
has this bucket and then we sayand do these things, empty each
other's buckets, which is a fineline too, because I'm not
responsible for other people howthey feel, but I do have an
impact on other people, and sowe are aware of our impact and
we're aware of other people'simpact on us, and so it is a
(20:31):
fine line.
But I and I don't I can't sayfor certain, right, my
daughter's not an adult yet, butif already at this age she can
do these things, I can onlyforesee and project this like
better future for her, that shewon't end up in the relationship
that I've been in, cause mymarriages were not the only bad
relationships I was in.
(20:51):
All of them up to this pointhave been bad, which is why I'm
choosing to be single at thispoint, because I will not get
married unless there's someone.
I think is incredible, and Ihave not met that person, and so
we are standing still in thisspace of until he rocks my world
.
We're staying here, but I, myhope, is that if I give these
(21:12):
things to her and I instillwithin her a sense of value and
a sense of all these things andall these tools, she won't even
tolerate that kind of behavior.
Yeah, I did.
I let it happen because Ididn't think I deserved any
better and I didn't know anybetter.
But this chick is going to knowbetter.
So when she has a boy treat herbadly, she's going to say oh no
, thank you.
Speaker 1 (21:33):
Yes, which is so good .
And you're also teaching herthat when you don't know the
next right step, that it's okayto just pause and stand still,
which I think is so powerful,because a lot of society is like
what's the next thing?
What's the next thing?
I know when I was growing up,this checklist I had to, like go
to college, get the job, getmarried, do the things, and I
felt like if I wasn't performingand I wasn't doing the next
(21:54):
thing on the list, then you knowI didn't have value, I wasn't
putting worth out into the world.
And so to just teach her tojust pause and say, hey, like I
don't need somebody to validateme and I don't need somebody to
make me feel whole, I'm okay tojust pause, I'm sure somebody's
out there and it becomes long,fantastic, and if not, then I'm
good, right, like it sets thejust such a beautiful precedent
(22:17):
for her to just know that it'sokay to hit pause every once in
a while, because life isn'tgoing to be constant motion.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
So no, well said, I love it.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
What would you say?
The biggest difference on yourparenting journey has been.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
I love your question.
I think they're so powerful.
I think that honestly I knowit's kind of touches on what we
talked about but learning toheal me has been the biggest
game changer in my motherhood,because I once had a coach talk
to me about we're talking abouttrauma and kind of digging into
some things with my childhood,and she talked about how and if
(22:54):
you didn't get shown how toparent, you were out here just
drowning to learn how to swim inthe deep end, not knowing what
to do, and so quit beatingyourself up for not knowing what
to do and so quit beatingyourself up for not knowing what
to do.
If it wasn't modeled for you,how would you know that?
And so you focus on healing theparts of you that are hurting
so deeply, and it's just goingto open up the door for you to
(23:16):
know how you want to parent.
I was like okay, that's fair, Ilike that.
So I have spent a majority of mymotherhood learning how to heal
myself, and I know that we getin these conundrums, right.
I'm like I want to spend timeon myself, but then I feel
selfish.
But I know it's not selfish.
They say it's not selfish andwe get in these like loops.
I do these anxiety loops oflike well, I need to take time
(23:39):
away so I'm a better person.
But then it's so much work totake a step back from your kid
because you have to find ababysitter.
You got it.
It's so many things and I cancompletely relate to that.
I just I can say that there isnothing more important than your
own healing.
When mama is healed, it is ahappier house, a hundred percent
(24:00):
.
It just is.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
You've got two women here telling you the exact same
story.
Because when you have healedyourself, you show up better.
So I love that.
Last question before we signoff what would you say your like
number one piece of advice?
Like, obviously we need to dothe work, we need to heal
ourselves, but when you areraising kids, raising strong
willed blessings, what would yousay your number one piece of
(24:25):
advice is to help the moms outthere.
I can, can, I, I'm going to.
I'm going to add onto that,because you did touch on on a
community that you were able tobuild.
I'd love for you to be able tohighlight how you were able to
do that, cause I don't thinkit's an easy task when you are
feeling isolated.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Totally yeah, so I can talk about the community
piece for just a second, andthen the advice.
So the community is crucial.
I think that we are meant to bein communities.
If we were meant to be allalone, we would be.
We're put on this earth infamilies.
We are living in neighborhoods.
We have communities all aroundus.
(25:03):
It's accessing that communityand I think that the most
powerful way for me to be ableto create that community is to
be fully myself.
Brene Brown talks a lot aboutthat.
That like community is likebelonging to yourself first and
not trying to put yourself insome box so that people will
like you.
Yes, and at the end, so I thinkit's being yourself, because
(25:25):
when you are just fully yourself, you magnetize to you the
people that are like you.
You just do.
And I think the other part ofit is that we have to be brave
enough to be vulnerable, and Iknow that sucks and I know that
it's scary to be like what ifthey don't like it?
But then that's through yourwork, take a step back, do some
(25:46):
journaling and say what happensif they don't like me.
What does that mean?
If I open up and say, hey, thisthing's really hard for me, or
I have this problem, or I needsome help, or whatever.
Is the scary vulnerable thing?
Write down what is the scaryvulnerable thing that you want
to say but you don't, you're tooscared to.
And then what would happen ifthey rejected it?
What would that mean about you?
(26:07):
What are you making it mean?
What's wrong with that?
And that's where you get to digin Cause.
Then you get to say, oh, mama,you are your own best
cheerleader.
You know exactly what to say toyourself.
Like, can you have your ownback If someone doesn't like
what you have to say?
Because nine times out out often, when I have probably,
honestly, probably ten times outof ten, when I have opened up
and said, hey, this thing's hardfor me or I'm doing this, like
(26:30):
when I risk that vulnerability,it is almost always matched with
love and compassion.
There is something so beautifulabout women sharing with each
other, and so be yourself, bevulnerable and watch the magic
happen.
I love that, because whenyou're yeah, because when you're
vulnerable too, then you havecompassion for them being
(26:52):
vulnerable, because when you areall like, just love is always
the answer.
Love yourself, love otherpeople, love yourself enough to
speak up and then it justcircles around you.
And I've been practicing thisfor years.
So I'm in a different space nowwhere I then when I first had
babies but being able to createthat has been so beautiful to
(27:13):
see the magic happen.
And then the last piece ofadvice I would give to another
mom is that everything else canwait.
Connection with your babiescannot.
I know that my babies are notvery old they're only nine and
(27:34):
11, but those years have gone sofast and the thing that I don't
regret is how much time I'vespent with them.
And yes, there were times thatI was crying in the closet
because my husband was being somean and hurtful and I was
devastated trying to figure outmy marriage.
But for the majority of theirlife I've tried to show up the
very best that I can.
And this is not to ever shameany part of your life or your
motherhood where you didn't showup because you couldn't in that
(27:56):
moment.
And that's okay.
We are never going to show up ahundred percent all the time.
That would be exhausting.
So no, thank you Not going tohappen, but the more we can
figure out how again to healourselves, love ourselves, show
up with our kids, thatconnection with them.
You are never going to get thattime back.
There's a lot of things youcould go buy more of, or
(28:18):
whatever, but you'll never getthe time back.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
No, you won't.
And I mean I did.
I spent a lot of my kids earlyyears struggling and like
wishing to bedtime and I can'tget that time back Right.
I wished it away and so it is.
You know, I did the best withwhat I could, with what I had.
You know, if I could go backand do it all again, that advice
would be paramount, for sure.
(28:42):
It's just spending Absolutelyand do it all again that advice
would be paramount, for sure.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
It's just stemming Absolutely.
The thing is, too, though, isthat we can get really stuck in
that why could have had this andI wasted that time, or whatever
.
None of it is a waste.
All of it is a chance foropportunity for growth and
learning right, because thetimes that I was like hiding in
my closet, you're like I don'twant to talk to these fools.
You know, those moments arereflective moments for you to
say why didn't I want to bearound them?
(29:05):
What needs were not being met?
So that's what I want you toask yourself, mama, is what
needs are not being met for youright now?
Because it's not that you're abad mom.
We all have moments we want topunch our kids in the face, like
we all have them.
Hopefully, we're not doing that.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
Well, we all have it.
We're like.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
I hate you so much right now, like we all have them
, but it's just a chance to stepback and reflect Okay, what is
it that's not being met rightnow?
How can I meet those needs?
Cause they will never meet yourneeds, they will never fill
your cup.
That's not their job.
Yeah, it's not supposed to betheir job, no.
(29:41):
So the beautiful thing about theconnection though it will
hopefully pull you out of anyshame spiral you might put
yourself in it is never too lateto connect with the people you
love never.
You can start right now and itdoesn't matter.
I've had some guilt about thetimes that I checked out from
them because I was so depressedin my marriage, but guess what?
They don't ever talk about that.
They talk about last weekendgoing to Aloha festival or going
(30:04):
to the movie together, like,and yes, that's all part of them
.
But you get to heal as a family, the more you connect.
And maybe you need outsidesources, right.
Maybe you need coaching ortherapy to heal those things.
I'm not disregarding thosebecause obviously I believe in
them, but there is so muchhealing and connecting right now
.
So if you today go do a danceparty with them or whatever it
(30:25):
is you're going to do to connectwith them.
It will heal and it willcontinue to heal.
So you're it's never too lateto connect.
You can always get back to thatconnection.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Oh, so beautiful.
Well, thank you so much forbeing on the show today, annie,
and thank you guys for tuning intoday's episode where we help
you conquer the chaos, one dayat a time.
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