August 21, 2024 • 30 mins
Unlock the secrets to intentional parenting and transform your family dynamic with our latest episode of "Conquering Chaos: A Mom's Guide to Self-Care and Sanity." Featuring Mariah Hovland from Wisconsin, we'll walk you through how she and her husband have tailored their parenting approach based on their unique family dynamics and childhood experiences. You'll hear Mariah's invaluable tips on addressing the emotional needs and personalities of her three children, Berkeley, Parker, and Nash, ensuring that each child feels understood and supported.
Ever wondered how early self-awareness can shape your parenting style? We discuss the pivotal moments that led us to therapy and introspection, setting the stage for intentional parenting. By sharing our own emotional journeys, we emphasize the importance of creating an emotionally safe environment for our children. Mariah and I dive deep into the continuous growth and self-improvement required to become the parents our children need, moving beyond the assumption that physical safety alone is enough.
Join us as we explore meaningful family connections and the power of self-advocacy. With personal anecdotes and reflections, we highlight the importance of open communication, reconsidering ingrained family rules, and fostering a nurturing home where our kids and their friends feel welcome. Our ultimate goal? To build lasting, positive relationships that make our home a place of comfort and joy for years to come. Don't miss this episode filled with heartfelt insights and practical advice for every parent striving to create a harmonious family life.
Find Mariah Here:
https://www.facebook.com/mariah.muche
www.morethanmama.co
Mama Mental Wellness Guide: https://www.sydneycrowe.com/mamamentalwellness589191
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, hey, everybody, Welcome back to Conquering Chaos
.
A Mom's Guide to Self-Care andSanity.
I'm your host, Sydney Crow, andtoday we have Mariah Huglin
from Wisconsin.
Welcome, Mariah.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Thank you, I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
I'm excited to have this conversation.
You and I were just kind ofchatting before the show and
getting a feel for what kind ofdirection this episode was gonna
go in, and one thing thatreally stood out to me is your
phrase intentional parenting.
So why don't you fill thelisteners in a little bit about,
like, who you are, what you'reall about and what intentional
(00:35):
parenting actually is?
Okay?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
yeah, so again, my name is Mariah.
My husband and I live inWisconsin.
We have three children Berkeleyis nine years old, parker is
six years old and Nash is threeyears old.
And we are like in it right nowbecause everyone is at a
different like phase of growingup, but they're all still
(00:58):
growing up Right, and growing upis hard.
So one of the things that myhusband and I talked about a lot
before we started a family wasjust kind of what kind of
parents we wanted to be, and Iremember specifically that it
was.
It was.
It was almost like I had tolike introduce him to the idea
(01:23):
that, like, we could parenthowever we wanted to parent.
You know, because everybody hasa different childhood,
obviously, and everybody growsup and has their own, you know,
rules that they learned fromtheir own family systems and
their own personalities.
And then you know you bringthese two people together and
(01:44):
it's like, okay, let's, let'sraise children and it not.
Everybody has the same ideasabout how that's going to be and
I had very strong ideas abouthow it was not going to be,
based on my own experience as achild and so having those
initial conversations and justopening up his eyes to the fact
(02:06):
that, you know, we don't have todo it the way that our parents
did.
It was, it was, it was good, itwas really good.
And I've seen the changes inhim over the last 10 years, just
being more open and more vocaland just more like I don't think
patient is the right word.
He is patient, but just morelike slow with the way that he
(02:32):
will manage things that come upwith our kids like, rather than
like, quick reactions.
He'll kind of sit, you know,kind of sit back and just see
how the situation is going toplay out.
And I think that that isimportant, you know, because
there isn't one way.
You know, you have to.
I always think about it.
(02:53):
Like you know, teachers used tojust teach one way, and if the
students didn't learn that way,then they were the ones who kind
of got lost in the shuffle.
And I feel that these days,teachers are way more
intentional about teachingchildren the way that they need
to be taught, and maybe that'sthese kids over here learn this
(03:14):
way and these kids responddifferently.
That is literally how we goabout our parenting.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
So do you find that you have different parenting
styles for each of your kids?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
I feel like, gosh, that's a really good question.
I feel like we present aspartners always.
You know, it's not like if momsays no, go ask dad you know,
like we're always so important.
Yeah, it's always like like I'veheard my husband say so many
times like I'm on your mom'steam, like I stand by your mom,
(03:48):
like if she said no, like youshouldn't even be talking to me
about this right now, and Ithink that's so important.
But I feel like, for example, Ihave three children and my two
girls.
My two oldest are very strongwilled, but they're strong
willed in different ways.
Oldest are very strong willed,but they're strong willed in
(04:09):
different ways, and so the waysin which we help them like
manage their emotions or managelike difficult situations is
different, because they requiredifferent things.
My oldest daughter is verystubborn and she it sort of
presents as like anger, likeshe'll be very resistant and
she'll get very escalated andthen she'll just shut down.
You know what?
It doesn't even matter, justforget it.
And it's like it does matter.
(04:31):
Let's talk about it, you know.
And then our little one, our sixyear old daughter.
She's got the big feelings andso she'll cry.
She cries 10 times a day.
She is full of it.
She's also like our family's,like ray of sunshine, like she
has the biggest heart and she'sthe biggest friend and she's
(04:53):
just she's.
She's so big and so are herfeelings, and so when we have to
manage her, it's more gentle,you know it's.
It's not, it's not tough love,it's.
It's okay.
I can, I can hear that you'reupset.
I can see that you're upset,and it's okay that you're upset.
(05:13):
What do you need?
Do you need a hug?
Do you need me to help you withwhatever you're doing?
Do you want me to leave youalone?
Like?
Those are questions that wehave to ask her in those moments
because we don't know, andtelling her to stop crying does
not work.
I can relate to that one.
You know, and I was told tostop crying.
(05:35):
My, my whole life, my childhood.
My emotional needs were not metand I didn't know what that
meant as a child, but I know now, as an adult, that it literally
shaped the last 37 years of mylife.
Understand, you know where thatcame from and how I, like you,
(06:09):
you, I sort of had to likerewire my brain, like it's okay
to feel this way.
Mariah, your feelings are notwrong.
You're not overreacting, you'renot being dramatic.
Your feelings are okay andunfortunately, I mean I didn't
figure that out until my latetwenties, which is hard right,
(06:32):
because at that point you knowyour brain and it really is
rewiring your brain.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
because when you get down to like the neuroscience of
it all, you have neuralpathways that have been built
based off of your feelings,based off of your knowledge,
based off of your environmentallike stimulation, and you react
in those moments based off ofwhat your brain tells you is
familiar.
And so when you start realizinglike this doesn't really feel
(06:59):
right, to actually formulate anew neural pathway so that you
can respond instead of react ishuge, but it takes so much work.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Oh my gosh, it does not happen overnight and it's
something that I have tocontinuously like, recommit to,
because you can get comfortableand then those old, you know
patterns will resurface.
So it's definitely somethingthat you know.
Not being able to feel myfeelings as a child like laid
(07:34):
the foundation for how I madefriends and how I behaved in
friendships, partners that Ichose, and how I behaved in
romantic relationships.
It really it.
It shaped how I approach allthings Like I need more, I need
validation, I need the, theassurance.
(07:54):
I need to know that you stilllike me.
I need to know that we're stillfriends, because I never knew
at home like that I was.
I always knew I was loved,right like my house was a safe
home physically.
I would not say that it wassafe emotionally and it's
(08:20):
difficult to talk about thatbecause I do have a relationship
with my parents still to thisday.
They're wonderful grandparentsand I don't want to go on record
being like my parents wereawful parents.
I had a horrible childhood,because that's not true.
I just think that thatgeneration of parenting was so
(08:45):
tight and so rigid and I don'tthink that they knew that they
were doing anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Yeah, yeah, they did the best that they could with
what they had Right, absolutely.
I feel like I had a similarexperience, like I feel like I
had a loving home, I was safe,we were well-raised, like all
the things.
But there was a lot of timeswhere, you know, I feel like I
was taught to be the good girl,quote unquote and you know that
meant that if things, if I hadbig feelings, we didn't talk
(09:14):
about that out of the house.
If I had things that were goingon inside the house that maybe
weren't, you know quote unquotethe best situation you know
everybody has.
You know, certain things thathappen behind closed doors, as
every family does, but we, justyou don't talk about that out of
the house, you don't do this.
There was no real avenue for meto work out my emotions as well
(09:38):
.
And so when you look back likeyou say that your parents are
great grandparents and I have toagree my parents are wonderful
grandparents Do you see thembeing different with your kids
than you remember them beingwith you?
Speaker 2 (09:54):
yes, and I think that it's because they have followed
my lead.
Interesting, I think that fromthe beginning of you know, 10
years ago when we had our firstbaby, like I said, we have been
very specific kind of parent andwe've gone about parenting a
certain way and when I what Imean by that is that I didn't
(10:18):
like we did what worked for ourfamily and if it didn't line up
with holidays or birthdayparties or you know whatever, we
did what worked for our family.
And I think setting the toneearly on helped my parents kind
of I don't want to say fall inline, but I think that it helped
(10:40):
them, like adjust theirexpectations and then they, they
figured out how to be agrandparent in that space.
And I mean, let's call it whatit is, it's boundaries, we have
boundaries.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm really intrigued by thefact that you and your husband,
like, had these conversationsbefore kids.
So you you've set out to beintentional parents.
And what prompted you to dothat at you know, at a young age
?
Because really you were in yourlate 20s when you had your
first and I feel like at thatpoint I was still so emotionally
(11:16):
unaware, like these were notconversations that my husband
and I had.
We've definitely fallen intomore intentional parenting
through our own experiences andhaving to support my daughters
and all these other things, butit's very intriguing to me that
you had the self-awareness to dothis ahead of time, and maybe
I'm the abnormal one, but whatprompted that for you?
Speaker 2 (11:40):
So I love that you said the term self awareness,
because I have just always beenfilled up with it, like I just
have so much self awareness.
My therapist and I talk aboutit all the time because she's
like sometimes I really thinklike that's part of the problem.
Like you're so self aware, Ihave a very strong intuition and
(12:00):
I always have, and I think ithas something to do with like
how my emotions are and how myfeelings are, like my my stomach
tells me what to do, like I can.
If I follow what's in my gut,it's almost always the right
thing even if it rufflesfeathers or you know.
And so growing up I always feltlike something was off,
(12:24):
something is wrong here.
I like I don't, I don't feelphysically good because my
emotions are not being met andit doesn't make sense to me.
I don't understand why that is.
You know, you, you live, yougrow up around these grownups
and they're your safe place,right, and and I think, well, I
(12:49):
hope that that childrenunderstand, you know, have that.
I hope that most, all childrenhave that as their safe space at
home with their parents.
But, like I said before, thereis a difference between being
physically safe at home andbeing emotionally safe at home.
And I think, because I wasn'temotionally safe, like I've just
always needed that and alwaysthought how do?
(13:14):
I've always been chasing thatmy whole life, right, and so
when I decided to become amother, it was like, okay, I
have to do this different, Ihave to be.
I have to be the mom that Ididn't have, but the mom that I
needed.
Yeah, and you know I readinteresting because I read
(13:35):
something recently that saidlike as a parent or no, as a
daughter I?
It's interesting because I readsomething recently that said
like as a parent or no.
As a daughter, I forgive you,but as a parent, I could never
understand.
And that hit so close to homefor me, because it wasn't like
when I was growing up, everybodyin my family was calm and I was
(13:55):
like the dramatic one, yellingand crying all the time.
It was chaotic, it wasfunctional chaos.
And so when you have a grownup,who's taking care of you and
who's responsible for yourwellbeing, yelling at you but
then telling you that like youcan't yell or like like that
(14:18):
sends mixed messages, that's not, that's.
That doesn't make sense, youknow.
And so I didn't, I didn'tunderstand that in my little
child brain I was like, wait aminute, like you're yelling,
like you're being, you'recalling me dramatic, like you're
being dramatic right now, andso it always felt like I was not
allowed to be who I am and itand it always felt bad.
(14:43):
And so, growing up, myfriendships were not good, my
relationships were not good, andI always just knew that.
And so, you know, when I was 23, I went through a really
difficult breakup and itresulted in, while the breakup
(15:05):
resulted because of an unwantedpregnancy, and I I figured out
in those, in those moments, likewho my friends were who my
support network was, and Ididn't have anybody.
I didn't have a support system.
I had a support system if I wasdoing what they wanted me to do
Going out to the bar, yeah.
(15:28):
But if, but, if I was notmaking those making choices and
living how I was expected to, Iwas alone.
And I think that that is reallylike when I was 23, 24, that's
when I really was like you knowwhat?
This is not how I see my life.
This does not feel good.
It has never felt good.
There has to be something elseand I just got really, really
(15:53):
intentional about therapy andbeing honest with myself.
You know, is this person a goodperson for me to be around?
Do I have a healthyrelationship with my parents, or
do or change, or do changesneed to be made there?
(16:14):
So I kind of went into myselfand did the work.
Wow, and I'm still doing thework.
I don't think it ever ends.
I think we're always growingand evolving.
You know, I'm 37.
Almost I'm not the person thatI was when I was 23.
But when you say, how did youhave those conversations at such
(16:36):
a young age?
How did you even think to havethose conversations?
It's because of how I've feltmy whole life.
Something had to change.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Well, and it's really , I mean, awful that you went
through that at a young age, butalso quite the blessing that
you were able to do that at sucha young age.
And I'm sure it wasn't easy.
I mean, anytime you have to goin and do the deep work and get
introspective and really peelback the layers of what life is
looking like in today and whatyou intentionally want it to be
(17:11):
like.
It's, you know, I mean it's.
It's hard for a 30 or 40 yearold to do that.
It's really hard, I think, todo that when you're young.
But what a blessing to be ableto go through that and then
really start such intentionalliving at a young age.
And I don't think that that's avery common situation, you know
.
You know.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
I was actually just thinking that you said like it's
hard to do at any age, and Ithink most people don't do it.
Most people avoid changebecause it's hard, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
And I mean really, at the end of the day, if you want
to level up and be in the liketop 20%, it's you have to do the
work Like it, doesn't.
You can't just live go throughlife avoiding it and hoping for
the best, like oh.
You can't just live go throughlife avoiding it and hoping for
the best, like oh maybe it'llchange one day.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
like no, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't change.
And like I don't want to lookback on my life and and feel
like I didn't say the thingsthat needed to be said or I
didn't stand up for how I feltand and advocate for myself.
I think that's one of like thethings that we talk about with
our children the most is likeadvocate for yourself.
Like recently we were makingdinner and I think we were
(18:25):
having gosh, probably like ahamburger, a sloppy joes or
something, and we didn't havebuns, we only had bread.
And my older daughter was likewell, I'm not eating a hamburger
then.
And I was like Okay, do youwant to go to the store?
And she just looked at me andshe was like no, if I'm the only
person who cares about the buns, like we don't have to make a
trip to the store.
And my husband's like Berkeley,do you want to eat a hamburger
(18:48):
tonight for dinner?
Do you want to have it on a bun?
We can run to the grocery storeand literally get hamburger
buns.
Like that's not the end of theworld.
And he's like advocate foryourself, like it's okay that
you're the only one.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Everyone will probably eat a bun If you come
home with buns.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
We'll all use, you know, and it was just like a
like that's such a small littlesituation, but that shows her to
speak up.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yes, I love that.
That's amazing Because a lot oftimes too, as parents, you get
into like the thick of it, right, you're, you're coming home
from office or you're like Iwork from home but you're like
all of a sudden it's like, oh,we got to make dinner and you
think everything's and you'remissing one ingredient and it's
(19:34):
like I definitely should be alittle bit more intentional,
like I really love this word.
So you were talking aboutearlier with me, before we
started the show, about how youyou've had to kind of see the
changes through your husband andhow this was definitely more of
it seemed like it was more ofyou pushing intentional
(19:54):
parenting and and you mentionedearlier on the show that it was
really eyeopening for him to seethat you didn't have to parent
the way that your parents did.
Tell me a little bit about thatrelationship and that dynamic a
little bit more, and so thelisteners can see cause I think
a lot of people, when it comesto parenting especially, you're
not necessarily always on thesame page.
Even if you're presenting aunited front to your kids, like
(20:16):
parents need to, you're notnecessarily always on the same
page.
So fill me in a little bit onthat.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Yeah, and you know we're not perfect and we don't
always agree, and a lot of timeswe're not on the same page and
we have to have thoseconversations without the
children, because sometimes Idon't understand his perspective
and sometimes he doesn'tunderstand mine, and so the only
way that we can figure out likethe best way to approach
(20:44):
whatever is going on with thewith kids is to to figure that
out before we, you know, sort ofgo forward with it.
And so you know, my husband isyour typical like white male in
America.
He works really hard, he getspaid well, he has job security
(21:07):
like he came from, you know, anormal whatever.
That means family, mom and dad,three, three kids.
There wasn't a lot of, I think.
I think the word is choice.
I feel like growing up itdidn't feel like he had choices,
I feel like it was just likethis is what my dad did, and so
(21:27):
this is what I'm doing, or thisis what is expected of me
because I'm a boy, so this iswhat I'm doing, and I don't
think it made him a monster byany stretch of the imagination.
Like he's not a, it's not likehe's all about, like men, like
masculine, you know it's not,it's not that.
It's just that it neveroccurred to him that there were
(21:51):
choices.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
It never.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Yeah, so it's like I'm trying to think of like a
good example His parentsre-agreed into him yes, Okay, so
that's that's what it is.
It's like the rules that wegrow up with, right, like our
family systems.
Everybody's got like theserules of how we're going to live
and and what we're going totalk about and how we're going
to handle problems and how wehandle conflict.
(22:16):
All of that is is we learn thatbehavior in our childhood home
and then we take that and we'renow adults and it really works
or it doesn't.
And I feel like my husbanddidn't ever consider that he was
allowed to change some of thoserules for himself or his family
(22:41):
.
And I am such a like it's funnybecause I'm like an introverted
extrovert or maybe that'sbackwards Like I heal in
isolation, like I recharge inisolation, but I also like, like
to be social on my own terms.
But I feel like I'm the onewho's like the advocate, like
(23:03):
I'm the one who's like okay, wehave to talk about this, or I'm
the one who like brings like thedifferent perspectives to the
table initially, and then, afterhe thinks about it a little bit
, he's like huh, and then he'llhave thoughts, and so I think
it's just that when he wasgrowing up, he was the oldest
and he did what was expected ofhim.
(23:25):
He graduated from high school,he went, went to college, he got
a job, like he did the rightthing Correct, yes.
And I spent my whole lifechasing approval from people
that were never going to give itto me, not because they didn't
approve, but because it didn'toccur to them to tell me that
they approved.
(23:45):
And so I just had different.
I just had big feelings.
I had big feelings and hedidn't Like.
For him he's like I don't wannalike, he doesn't wanna talk
about conflict, he doesn't wannaface conflict, he would rather
not talk about it.
And that's how he was raisedand he accepted that In my
(24:08):
family there was a lot ofconflict and a lot of chaos all
the time, and I didn't accept it.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Does that make sense A hundred percent?
You know, and I think it'sreally interesting to like this
notion of we can do thingsdifferently, right?
There is this whole generationthat you and I are a part of,
where we talk a lot aboutgenerational healing, right, and
it's so important for us.
You know, now that we knowbetter, we can do better for our
(24:36):
kids.
And I think our parents, like Isaid earlier, it's like they did
the best with what they hadwhen they had it.
But as more time is going on andmore evolution and more
information is coming about,like early childhood and brain
development and these neuralpathways and emotional
intelligence, you know, it isreally important that we do that
healing.
(24:57):
And I don't think it's agenerational healing in the
sense like we all went throughmassive trauma and like all of
these things.
It's just now we're healingthat piece where it's like we
can do things, thingsdifferently.
It's not like, oh, my parentsdid this this way and this is
how I was raised, so I told youso, like the amount of times
that I heard, because I said sowhen I was growing up, like, and
(25:19):
every once in a while thatphrase flies out of my mouth and
I'm like, oh, yeah, we'll stop.
Like, yeah, as I said, so let'spause and explain this, yeah,
so I find myself even now likemy kids will glass over because
I'm giving such long-windedexplanation and you like lose it
halfway through.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
You're like what are we even talking?
Speaker 1 (25:40):
about yes, yeah, so I mean it is interesting and you
know, you and I were talkingabout how men in general there
there's this like shift right,and so I pulled the statistic
that I saw the other day whereit's in 1982, they pulled dads
and 43% of them hadn't evenchanged their own kid's diaper,
like had never changed a diapertheir dads almost half of them
(26:01):
and we're now less than 30 yearsfrom that point and the most
recent poll was done in 2020.
Sorry, from this poll, and only3% have not changed the doctor,
and I think that that's so likesuch a staggering revelation on
what we're talking about withthis generational healing,
because we are all, as a society, like doing better.
It is so important for dads tobe present, and it's not just
(26:24):
daddy daycare, like I've hadthat I'm like no, it's not daddy
daycare, it is like literallyjust parenting.
So parenting, just parenting,full stop.
I love this notion that youhave brought to the table today.
Intentional parenting isdefinitely a phrase that I will
find myself using more and morefrequently, so I appreciate that
(26:45):
.
Looking at having the listenersout there, is there one piece
of advice that you would givethem?
Just mom to mom or mom to dad.
What would you say like the keypiece of advice for intentional
parenting?
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Oh, this is so funny.
So usually when people ask meif I have advice for moms, I say
drink water and hire a cleaninglady, because I feel like those
are two things that reallychanged my life as a mom just
intentional parenting.
I tried to remind myself that,like and I remind my kids to
(27:18):
like, just because I'm the grownup doesn't mean I'm right, and
just because I'm the grown updoesn't mean I know the answer.
You know, like you are growingup and you have ideas and I'm
interested in those ideas.
And the way that we figure outlife is by talking, and so it's
(27:39):
going to take longer to solvethis, whatever problem we're
having, because we're going totalk about it.
But it's so much moremeaningful.
But it's so much moremeaningful.
And when my husband and I talkabout, you know, it's that crazy
thing where, like, your kidsdon't behave at home, but then
you send them on a play date andlike they're angels, and then
(28:00):
you're like what happens at home, you know?
But it's like they'recomfortable here, right, they're
going to be crazy at homebecause they know they're safe
and they're loved, and so whenwe have a particularly hard day,
and then we put the kids to bedand we're both like, oh my God,
like and he'll tell me like Ihad this conversation with
Berkeley and she said this and Ijust couldn't believe it.
And yeah, I was talking toParker Like we always come back
(28:23):
to, like the fact that what weare trying to do is raise
functioning adults, right, likementally, physically functioning
adults that can add value tothe world and to their lives.
But also, at the end of the day, we want them to want to come
(28:45):
back.
We want them to be the collegestudents that bring all of their
friends to our lake house onthe weekends.
You know, like we want, wedon't want our kids to have to
heal from their childhood theway that we had to, and so it's
harder and it takes longer, butit's more meaningful and it it
(29:10):
feels better.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
I love that so much and I resonate with so much of
that right we've always talkedabout.
We're like we just want to bethe house, like come here, have
the kids, like get, get involvedin their life and and being
intentional with that, because,you know, sometimes we have to
have those really hard, longdrawn out conversations but at
the end of the day, like we feelreally connected after the fact
(29:32):
and so I love that.
That's a huge piece for youguys too.
Mariah, thank you so much forbeing here today and thank you
guys for tuning in where we helpyou conquer the chaos one day
at a time.
Hey, hey, everybody, Welcome back to Conquering Chaos
.
A Mom's Guide to Self-Care andSanity.
I'm your host, Sydney Crow, andtoday we have Mariah Huglin
from Wisconsin.
Welcome, Mariah.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Thank you, I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
I'm excited to have this conversation.
You and I were just kind ofchatting before the show and
getting a feel for what kind ofdirection this episode was gonna
go in, and one thing thatreally stood out to me is your
phrase intentional parenting.
So why don't you fill thelisteners in a little bit about,
like, who you are, what you'reall about and what intentional
(00:35):
parenting actually is?
Okay?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
yeah, so again, my name is Mariah.
My husband and I live inWisconsin.
We have three children Berkeleyis nine years old, parker is
six years old and Nash is threeyears old.
And we are like in it right nowbecause everyone is at a
different like phase of growingup, but they're all still
(00:58):
growing up Right, and growing upis hard.
So one of the things that myhusband and I talked about a lot
before we started a family wasjust kind of what kind of
parents we wanted to be, and Iremember specifically that it
was.
It was.
It was almost like I had tolike introduce him to the idea
(01:23):
that, like, we could parenthowever we wanted to parent.
You know, because everybody hasa different childhood,
obviously, and everybody growsup and has their own, you know,
rules that they learned fromtheir own family systems and
their own personalities.
And then you know you bringthese two people together and
(01:44):
it's like, okay, let's, let'sraise children and it not.
Everybody has the same ideasabout how that's going to be and
I had very strong ideas abouthow it was not going to be,
based on my own experience as achild and so having those
initial conversations and justopening up his eyes to the fact
(02:06):
that, you know, we don't have todo it the way that our parents
did.
It was, it was, it was good, itwas really good.
And I've seen the changes inhim over the last 10 years, just
being more open and more vocaland just more like I don't think
patient is the right word.
He is patient, but just morelike slow with the way that he
(02:32):
will manage things that come upwith our kids like, rather than
like, quick reactions.
He'll kind of sit, you know,kind of sit back and just see
how the situation is going toplay out.
And I think that that isimportant, you know, because
there isn't one way.
You know, you have to.
I always think about it.
(02:53):
Like you know, teachers used tojust teach one way, and if the
students didn't learn that way,then they were the ones who kind
of got lost in the shuffle.
And I feel that these days,teachers are way more
intentional about teachingchildren the way that they need
to be taught, and maybe that'sthese kids over here learn this
(03:14):
way and these kids responddifferently.
That is literally how we goabout our parenting.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
So do you find that you have different parenting
styles for each of your kids?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
I feel like, gosh, that's a really good question.
I feel like we present aspartners always.
You know, it's not like if momsays no, go ask dad you know,
like we're always so important.
Yeah, it's always like like I'veheard my husband say so many
times like I'm on your mom'steam, like I stand by your mom,
(03:48):
like if she said no, like youshouldn't even be talking to me
about this right now, and Ithink that's so important.
But I feel like, for example, Ihave three children and my two
girls.
My two oldest are very strongwilled, but they're strong
willed in different ways.
Oldest are very strong willed,but they're strong willed in
(04:09):
different ways, and so the waysin which we help them like
manage their emotions or managelike difficult situations is
different, because they requiredifferent things.
My oldest daughter is verystubborn and she it sort of
presents as like anger, likeshe'll be very resistant and
she'll get very escalated andthen she'll just shut down.
You know what?
It doesn't even matter, justforget it.
And it's like it does matter.
(04:31):
Let's talk about it, you know.
And then our little one, our sixyear old daughter.
She's got the big feelings andso she'll cry.
She cries 10 times a day.
She is full of it.
She's also like our family's,like ray of sunshine, like she
has the biggest heart and she'sthe biggest friend and she's
(04:53):
just she's.
She's so big and so are herfeelings, and so when we have to
manage her, it's more gentle,you know it's.
It's not, it's not tough love,it's.
It's okay.
I can, I can hear that you'reupset.
I can see that you're upset,and it's okay that you're upset.
(05:13):
What do you need?
Do you need a hug?
Do you need me to help you withwhatever you're doing?
Do you want me to leave youalone?
Like?
Those are questions that wehave to ask her in those moments
because we don't know, andtelling her to stop crying does
not work.
I can relate to that one.
You know, and I was told tostop crying.
(05:35):
My, my whole life, my childhood.
My emotional needs were not metand I didn't know what that
meant as a child, but I know now, as an adult, that it literally
shaped the last 37 years of mylife.
Understand, you know where thatcame from and how I, like you,
(06:09):
you, I sort of had to likerewire my brain, like it's okay
to feel this way.
Mariah, your feelings are notwrong.
You're not overreacting, you'renot being dramatic.
Your feelings are okay andunfortunately, I mean I didn't
figure that out until my latetwenties, which is hard right,
(06:32):
because at that point you knowyour brain and it really is
rewiring your brain.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
because when you get down to like the neuroscience of
it all, you have neuralpathways that have been built
based off of your feelings,based off of your knowledge,
based off of your environmentallike stimulation, and you react
in those moments based off ofwhat your brain tells you is
familiar.
And so when you start realizinglike this doesn't really feel
(06:59):
right, to actually formulate anew neural pathway so that you
can respond instead of react ishuge, but it takes so much work.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Oh my gosh, it does not happen overnight and it's
something that I have tocontinuously like, recommit to,
because you can get comfortableand then those old, you know
patterns will resurface.
So it's definitely somethingthat you know.
Not being able to feel myfeelings as a child like laid
(07:34):
the foundation for how I madefriends and how I behaved in
friendships, partners that Ichose, and how I behaved in
romantic relationships.
It really it.
It shaped how I approach allthings Like I need more, I need
validation, I need the, theassurance.
(07:54):
I need to know that you stilllike me.
I need to know that we're stillfriends, because I never knew
at home like that I was.
I always knew I was loved,right like my house was a safe
home physically.
I would not say that it wassafe emotionally and it's
(08:20):
difficult to talk about thatbecause I do have a relationship
with my parents still to thisday.
They're wonderful grandparentsand I don't want to go on record
being like my parents wereawful parents.
I had a horrible childhood,because that's not true.
I just think that thatgeneration of parenting was so
(08:45):
tight and so rigid and I don'tthink that they knew that they
were doing anything wrong.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Yeah, yeah, they did the best that they could with
what they had Right, absolutely.
I feel like I had a similarexperience, like I feel like I
had a loving home, I was safe,we were well-raised, like all
the things.
But there was a lot of timeswhere, you know, I feel like I
was taught to be the good girl,quote unquote and you know that
meant that if things, if I hadbig feelings, we didn't talk
(09:14):
about that out of the house.
If I had things that were goingon inside the house that maybe
weren't, you know quote unquotethe best situation you know
everybody has.
You know, certain things thathappen behind closed doors, as
every family does, but we, justyou don't talk about that out of
the house, you don't do this.
There was no real avenue for meto work out my emotions as well
(09:38):
.
And so when you look back likeyou say that your parents are
great grandparents and I have toagree my parents are wonderful
grandparents Do you see thembeing different with your kids
than you remember them beingwith you?
Speaker 2 (09:54):
yes, and I think that it's because they have followed
my lead.
Interesting, I think that fromthe beginning of you know, 10
years ago when we had our firstbaby, like I said, we have been
very specific kind of parent andwe've gone about parenting a
certain way and when I what Imean by that is that I didn't
(10:18):
like we did what worked for ourfamily and if it didn't line up
with holidays or birthdayparties or you know whatever, we
did what worked for our family.
And I think setting the toneearly on helped my parents kind
of I don't want to say fall inline, but I think that it helped
(10:40):
them, like adjust theirexpectations and then they, they
figured out how to be agrandparent in that space.
And I mean, let's call it whatit is, it's boundaries, we have
boundaries.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now I'm really intrigued by thefact that you and your husband,
like, had these conversationsbefore kids.
So you you've set out to beintentional parents.
And what prompted you to dothat at you know, at a young age
?
Because really you were in yourlate 20s when you had your
first and I feel like at thatpoint I was still so emotionally
(11:16):
unaware, like these were notconversations that my husband
and I had.
We've definitely fallen intomore intentional parenting
through our own experiences andhaving to support my daughters
and all these other things, butit's very intriguing to me that
you had the self-awareness to dothis ahead of time, and maybe
I'm the abnormal one, but whatprompted that for you?
Speaker 2 (11:40):
So I love that you said the term self awareness,
because I have just always beenfilled up with it, like I just
have so much self awareness.
My therapist and I talk aboutit all the time because she's
like sometimes I really thinklike that's part of the problem.
Like you're so self aware, Ihave a very strong intuition and
(12:00):
I always have, and I think ithas something to do with like
how my emotions are and how myfeelings are, like my my stomach
tells me what to do, like I can.
If I follow what's in my gut,it's almost always the right
thing even if it rufflesfeathers or you know.
And so growing up I always feltlike something was off,
(12:24):
something is wrong here.
I like I don't, I don't feelphysically good because my
emotions are not being met andit doesn't make sense to me.
I don't understand why that is.
You know, you, you live, yougrow up around these grownups
and they're your safe place,right, and and I think, well, I
(12:49):
hope that that childrenunderstand, you know, have that.
I hope that most, all childrenhave that as their safe space at
home with their parents.
But, like I said before, thereis a difference between being
physically safe at home andbeing emotionally safe at home.
And I think, because I wasn'temotionally safe, like I've just
always needed that and alwaysthought how do?
(13:14):
I've always been chasing thatmy whole life, right, and so
when I decided to become amother, it was like, okay, I
have to do this different, Ihave to be.
I have to be the mom that Ididn't have, but the mom that I
needed.
Yeah, and you know I readinteresting because I read
(13:35):
something recently that saidlike as a parent or no, as a
daughter I?
It's interesting because I readsomething recently that said
like as a parent or no.
As a daughter, I forgive you,but as a parent, I could never
understand.
And that hit so close to homefor me, because it wasn't like
when I was growing up, everybodyin my family was calm and I was
(13:55):
like the dramatic one, yellingand crying all the time.
It was chaotic, it wasfunctional chaos.
And so when you have a grownup,who's taking care of you and
who's responsible for yourwellbeing, yelling at you but
then telling you that like youcan't yell or like like that
(14:18):
sends mixed messages, that's not, that's.
That doesn't make sense, youknow.
And so I didn't, I didn'tunderstand that in my little
child brain I was like, wait aminute, like you're yelling,
like you're being, you'recalling me dramatic, like you're
being dramatic right now, andso it always felt like I was not
allowed to be who I am and itand it always felt bad.
(14:43):
And so, growing up, myfriendships were not good, my
relationships were not good, andI always just knew that.
And so, you know, when I was 23, I went through a really
difficult breakup and itresulted in, while the breakup
(15:05):
resulted because of an unwantedpregnancy, and I I figured out
in those, in those moments, likewho my friends were who my
support network was, and Ididn't have anybody.
I didn't have a support system.
I had a support system if I wasdoing what they wanted me to do
Going out to the bar, yeah.
(15:28):
But if, but, if I was notmaking those making choices and
living how I was expected to, Iwas alone.
And I think that that is reallylike when I was 23, 24, that's
when I really was like you knowwhat?
This is not how I see my life.
This does not feel good.
It has never felt good.
There has to be something elseand I just got really, really
(15:53):
intentional about therapy andbeing honest with myself.
You know, is this person a goodperson for me to be around?
Do I have a healthyrelationship with my parents, or
do or change, or do changesneed to be made there?
(16:14):
So I kind of went into myselfand did the work.
Wow, and I'm still doing thework.
I don't think it ever ends.
I think we're always growingand evolving.
You know, I'm 37.
Almost I'm not the person thatI was when I was 23.
But when you say, how did youhave those conversations at such
(16:36):
a young age?
How did you even think to havethose conversations?
It's because of how I've feltmy whole life.
Something had to change.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
Well, and it's really , I mean, awful that you went
through that at a young age, butalso quite the blessing that
you were able to do that at sucha young age.
And I'm sure it wasn't easy.
I mean, anytime you have to goin and do the deep work and get
introspective and really peelback the layers of what life is
looking like in today and whatyou intentionally want it to be
(17:11):
like.
It's, you know, I mean it's.
It's hard for a 30 or 40 yearold to do that.
It's really hard, I think, todo that when you're young.
But what a blessing to be ableto go through that and then
really start such intentionalliving at a young age.
And I don't think that that's avery common situation, you know
.
You know.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
I was actually just thinking that you said like it's
hard to do at any age, and Ithink most people don't do it.
Most people avoid changebecause it's hard, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
And I mean really, at the end of the day, if you want
to level up and be in the liketop 20%, it's you have to do the
work Like it, doesn't.
You can't just live go throughlife avoiding it and hoping for
the best, like oh.
You can't just live go throughlife avoiding it and hoping for
the best, like oh maybe it'llchange one day.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
like no, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't change.
And like I don't want to lookback on my life and and feel
like I didn't say the thingsthat needed to be said or I
didn't stand up for how I feltand and advocate for myself.
I think that's one of like thethings that we talk about with
our children the most is likeadvocate for yourself.
Like recently we were makingdinner and I think we were
(18:25):
having gosh, probably like ahamburger, a sloppy joes or
something, and we didn't havebuns, we only had bread.
And my older daughter was likewell, I'm not eating a hamburger
then.
And I was like Okay, do youwant to go to the store?
And she just looked at me andshe was like no, if I'm the only
person who cares about the buns, like we don't have to make a
trip to the store.
And my husband's like Berkeley,do you want to eat a hamburger
(18:48):
tonight for dinner?
Do you want to have it on a bun?
We can run to the grocery storeand literally get hamburger
buns.
Like that's not the end of theworld.
And he's like advocate foryourself, like it's okay that
you're the only one.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Everyone will probably eat a bun If you come
home with buns.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
We'll all use, you know, and it was just like a
like that's such a small littlesituation, but that shows her to
speak up.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Yes, I love that.
That's amazing Because a lot oftimes too, as parents, you get
into like the thick of it, right, you're, you're coming home
from office or you're like Iwork from home but you're like
all of a sudden it's like, oh,we got to make dinner and you
think everything's and you'remissing one ingredient and it's
(19:34):
like I definitely should be alittle bit more intentional,
like I really love this word.
So you were talking aboutearlier with me, before we
started the show, about how youyou've had to kind of see the
changes through your husband andhow this was definitely more of
it seemed like it was more ofyou pushing intentional
(19:54):
parenting and and you mentionedearlier on the show that it was
really eyeopening for him to seethat you didn't have to parent
the way that your parents did.
Tell me a little bit about thatrelationship and that dynamic a
little bit more, and so thelisteners can see cause I think
a lot of people, when it comesto parenting especially, you're
not necessarily always on thesame page.
Even if you're presenting aunited front to your kids, like
(20:16):
parents need to, you're notnecessarily always on the same
page.
So fill me in a little bit onthat.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Yeah, and you know we're not perfect and we don't
always agree, and a lot of timeswe're not on the same page and
we have to have thoseconversations without the
children, because sometimes Idon't understand his perspective
and sometimes he doesn'tunderstand mine, and so the only
way that we can figure out likethe best way to approach
(20:44):
whatever is going on with thewith kids is to to figure that
out before we, you know, sort ofgo forward with it.
And so you know, my husband isyour typical like white male in
America.
He works really hard, he getspaid well, he has job security
(21:07):
like he came from, you know, anormal whatever.
That means family, mom and dad,three, three kids.
There wasn't a lot of, I think.
I think the word is choice.
I feel like growing up itdidn't feel like he had choices,
I feel like it was just likethis is what my dad did, and so
(21:27):
this is what I'm doing, or thisis what is expected of me
because I'm a boy, so this iswhat I'm doing, and I don't
think it made him a monster byany stretch of the imagination.
Like he's not a, it's not likehe's all about, like men, like
masculine, you know it's not,it's not that.
It's just that it neveroccurred to him that there were
(21:51):
choices.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
It never.
Speaker 2 (21:54):
Yeah, so it's like I'm trying to think of like a
good example His parentsre-agreed into him yes, Okay, so
that's that's what it is.
It's like the rules that wegrow up with, right, like our
family systems.
Everybody's got like theserules of how we're going to live
and and what we're going totalk about and how we're going
to handle problems and how wehandle conflict.
(22:16):
All of that is is we learn thatbehavior in our childhood home
and then we take that and we'renow adults and it really works
or it doesn't.
And I feel like my husbanddidn't ever consider that he was
allowed to change some of thoserules for himself or his family
(22:41):
.
And I am such a like it's funnybecause I'm like an introverted
extrovert or maybe that'sbackwards Like I heal in
isolation, like I recharge inisolation, but I also like, like
to be social on my own terms.
But I feel like I'm the onewho's like the advocate, like
(23:03):
I'm the one who's like okay, wehave to talk about this, or I'm
the one who like brings like thedifferent perspectives to the
table initially, and then, afterhe thinks about it a little bit
, he's like huh, and then he'llhave thoughts, and so I think
it's just that when he wasgrowing up, he was the oldest
and he did what was expected ofhim.
(23:25):
He graduated from high school,he went, went to college, he got
a job, like he did the rightthing Correct, yes.
And I spent my whole lifechasing approval from people
that were never going to give itto me, not because they didn't
approve, but because it didn'toccur to them to tell me that
they approved.
(23:45):
And so I just had different.
I just had big feelings.
I had big feelings and hedidn't Like.
For him he's like I don't wannalike, he doesn't wanna talk
about conflict, he doesn't wannaface conflict, he would rather
not talk about it.
And that's how he was raisedand he accepted that In my
(24:08):
family there was a lot ofconflict and a lot of chaos all
the time, and I didn't accept it.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Does that make sense A hundred percent?
You know, and I think it'sreally interesting to like this
notion of we can do thingsdifferently, right?
There is this whole generationthat you and I are a part of,
where we talk a lot aboutgenerational healing, right, and
it's so important for us.
You know, now that we knowbetter, we can do better for our
(24:36):
kids.
And I think our parents, like Isaid earlier, it's like they did
the best with what they hadwhen they had it.
But as more time is going on andmore evolution and more
information is coming about,like early childhood and brain
development and these neuralpathways and emotional
intelligence, you know, it isreally important that we do that
healing.
(24:57):
And I don't think it's agenerational healing in the
sense like we all went throughmassive trauma and like all of
these things.
It's just now we're healingthat piece where it's like we
can do things, thingsdifferently.
It's not like, oh, my parentsdid this this way and this is
how I was raised, so I told youso, like the amount of times
that I heard, because I said sowhen I was growing up, like, and
(25:19):
every once in a while thatphrase flies out of my mouth and
I'm like, oh, yeah, we'll stop.
Like, yeah, as I said, so let'spause and explain this, yeah,
so I find myself even now likemy kids will glass over because
I'm giving such long-windedexplanation and you like lose it
halfway through.
Speaker 2 (25:38):
You're like what are we even talking?
Speaker 1 (25:40):
about yes, yeah, so I mean it is interesting and you
know, you and I were talkingabout how men in general there
there's this like shift right,and so I pulled the statistic
that I saw the other day whereit's in 1982, they pulled dads
and 43% of them hadn't evenchanged their own kid's diaper,
like had never changed a diapertheir dads almost half of them
(26:01):
and we're now less than 30 yearsfrom that point and the most
recent poll was done in 2020.
Sorry, from this poll, and only3% have not changed the doctor,
and I think that that's so likesuch a staggering revelation on
what we're talking about withthis generational healing,
because we are all, as a society, like doing better.
It is so important for dads tobe present, and it's not just
(26:24):
daddy daycare, like I've hadthat I'm like no, it's not daddy
daycare, it is like literallyjust parenting.
So parenting, just parenting,full stop.
I love this notion that youhave brought to the table today.
Intentional parenting isdefinitely a phrase that I will
find myself using more and morefrequently, so I appreciate that
(26:45):
.
Looking at having the listenersout there, is there one piece
of advice that you would givethem?
Just mom to mom or mom to dad.
What would you say like the keypiece of advice for intentional
parenting?
Speaker 2 (26:58):
Oh, this is so funny.
So usually when people ask meif I have advice for moms, I say
drink water and hire a cleaninglady, because I feel like those
are two things that reallychanged my life as a mom just
intentional parenting.
I tried to remind myself that,like and I remind my kids to
(27:18):
like, just because I'm the grownup doesn't mean I'm right, and
just because I'm the grown updoesn't mean I know the answer.
You know, like you are growingup and you have ideas and I'm
interested in those ideas.
And the way that we figure outlife is by talking, and so it's
(27:39):
going to take longer to solvethis, whatever problem we're
having, because we're going totalk about it.
But it's so much moremeaningful.
But it's so much moremeaningful.
And when my husband and I talkabout, you know, it's that crazy
thing where, like, your kidsdon't behave at home, but then
you send them on a play date andlike they're angels, and then
(28:00):
you're like what happens at home, you know?
But it's like they'recomfortable here, right, they're
going to be crazy at homebecause they know they're safe
and they're loved, and so whenwe have a particularly hard day,
and then we put the kids to bedand we're both like, oh my God,
like and he'll tell me like Ihad this conversation with
Berkeley and she said this and Ijust couldn't believe it.
And yeah, I was talking toParker Like we always come back
(28:23):
to, like the fact that what weare trying to do is raise
functioning adults, right, likementally, physically functioning
adults that can add value tothe world and to their lives.
But also, at the end of the day, we want them to want to come
(28:45):
back.
We want them to be the collegestudents that bring all of their
friends to our lake house onthe weekends.
You know, like we want, wedon't want our kids to have to
heal from their childhood theway that we had to, and so it's
harder and it takes longer, butit's more meaningful and it it
(29:10):
feels better.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
I love that so much and I resonate with so much of
that right we've always talkedabout.
We're like we just want to bethe house, like come here, have
the kids, like get, get involvedin their life and and being
intentional with that, because,you know, sometimes we have to
have those really hard, longdrawn out conversations but at
the end of the day, like we feelreally connected after the fact
(29:32):
and so I love that.
That's a huge piece for youguys too.
Mariah, thank you so much forbeing here today and thank you
guys for tuning in where we helpyou conquer the chaos one day
at a time.
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