Episode 2: Adoption is an Existential Trauma: Living a Story Written By Others

Description: In this episode, we explore the unique and often misunderstood trauma of adoption and its impact on identity. Sarah Harper, an adoptee and trauma therapist, shares her personal and professional insights on how adoption can shape one’s sense of self through narratives crafted by others. We discuss the existential loss adoptees experience, the challenges of reclaiming identity, and why listening to adoptee voices is essential for understanding the complexities of adoption.


Show Notes

Guided Learning: For those learning and processing the adoptee experience, please open this link for guided journal questions to enhance your understanding and assist you in a deeper understanding of the topics covered today. 

Origin of FOG

The concept of FOG was first introduced by psychotherapist Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their 1997 book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. The authors describe how individuals use these emotions to exert control and create confusion in relationships.

While originally developed to address emotional manipulation, the FOG framework has been adapted to explore the unique experiences of adoptees, especially as they navigate complex emotions and societal expectations surrounding adoption.

FOG in the Context of Adoption

For adoptees, FOG often manifests in the intricate emotional dynamics and societal narratives surrounding adoption. Here’s how FOG can relate to adoptees:

1. Fear
   • Fear of being perceived as ungrateful for their adoption.
   • Fear of abandonment or rejection, often rooted in early maternal separation trauma.
   • Fear of speaking out about adoption-related pain due to societal glorification of adoption as a “beautiful gift.”
2. Obligation
   • A sense of duty to meet the expectations of adoptive parents or to align with societal narratives.
   • Pressure to protect the feelings of adoptive parents by not expressing curiosity or grief about birth parents.
   • Obligation to conform to the “happy adoptee” trope to avoid discomfort in others.
3. Guilt
   • Guilt for wanting to know or search for birth family members.
   • Guilt for struggling with feelings of loss or dissatisfaction, despite being told they were “chosen.”
   • Guilt for questioning the ethics of their adoption or the adoption system as a whole.

How FOG Impacts Adoptees

Adoptees living in the FOG may feel silenced, conflicted, or misunderstood. They may struggle to reconcile their authentic feelings with the expectations placed upon them by society, family, or even themselves. The FOG can prevent adoptees from processing their adoption journey fully and honestly.

Further Reading and References

1. Adoptee-Specific Adaptations:
   • "The Adoptee FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt and the Journey to Clarity" (Commonly discussed in adoptee advocacy communities).
   • Adoptee Rights Campaign – For insights on societal expectations and adoptee rights.
2. Online Resources:
   • Out of the FOG – A general discussion of FOG, with adaptable insights for adoptees.
   • Adoptee Voices on Social Media (e.g., Adoptee Advocacy TikTok and Instagram communities).