Ep.75 - The Reasons you Can't Date our Daughters!!! - Conversational Humor - An Improv Comedy Hour

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I freaking love our podcast. I'm so hungry right now.
I assumed his name was Darth Virgin.
Come on, you're talking dirty tome right now.
She's like, what do you got in your mouth?
And I got a fruit by the foot, hanging halfway down to my lap.
I like to eat my calories, not drink them.

(00:24):
All right, hello, hello, and welcome back to episode 75 of
Conversational Humor with Pun and Balrog.
This is Pun across from me. Dude, I got an admission to me.
I love it that I never know what's coming.
Andy left me unintended downstairs.
He was on a business call. I I found some candy down there.
Nice. I ate the whole bag.
Nice, it's gone. Which, oh, the chewy.

(00:45):
Fruit. They were chewy fruits.
All their stuffs, yeah, OK. Can we come?
Let's edit this out. She buys those like Brock's poor
people candy. Let's let's edit this out.
For Pawnee, it was like, oh, red, white, blue-green, yellow.
I have I haven't ate today I started a fast and so I don't.
The old colon. Cleanse.
I don't eat until I get home, and I'm a couple days into that.
And now that, like all the junk out of my system is starting to

(01:09):
go away, I'm starving. And I walked in and I seen the
candy and I folded the meat. I just.
Folded out, You didn't find the sugar cookies on the No I.
Stopped looking after that. I seen the candy.
I was like, I'm not looking anymore.
So are you saying that when you fat when you first start fasting
you have so much junk and your system that your body kind?
Of lives. I just feel like when you
overeat, you just never fully get that, you know, When you're

(01:32):
always feel like your guts full.Yes, that's how I feel all the
that's how I look and feel. So I'm not, I mean, I don't know
how long I'm gonna be gone from home day-to-day.
Usually it's a long time. So I, I know my fats are going
to be a considerable amount of time.
It is not that hard because I like to eat big meals.
So it's like if you try to eat 2000 or 2500 calories in a meal,

(01:55):
which if you're going to get junk food is not that hard,
right? But if you're eating real food,
it's a little more difficult. You know, you're like, what?
Even though you haven't eaten all day, trying to consume that
much protein, you might eat two or three chicken breasts and
you're like, after not eating all day, two or three chicken
breasts in some sides and a salad, you're like.
And you only ate half your calories.

(02:16):
And it also you're full for a long time into the next day it
you're only struggling for a couple hours.
Yeah, once that food wears off at noon, 1:00.
See, that's actually a good point because I've been, like,
making it a point to cook more like carnivores lately.
Yeah. So I'm, like, trying.
I've always tried to, like, reduce the carbs because they
kill me. Yeah.

(02:38):
And I'm like, OK, I need to eat,like, real meat because we eat a
lot of that freezer crap. Yeah.
And it's just garbage. Because it's convenient.
And I feel like when I make actual food, when I grill
outside, you eat healthier and you're way more.
Full yeah, protein satiating if I.
I'm sorry, but hey Webster. Hey, sorry about that guys.
That won't happen again. Anywho, today is Tuesday, July

(03:00):
the 1st of 2025. We're going to be talking about
the reasons you cannot date our daughters.
Nope. And let me say for the record.
Now I will say this for her. For the record, my reasons are
allowed to change anytime I want.
It could be because I don't likeyour stupid face when you come
to the front door. That's true.
I get to make that. Decision.
My daughters both have boyfriends.

(03:21):
They're both fantastic, both great kids.
It could be because you walk into my front hallway and it
smells like you have on 6 fake colognes.
Oh man. Or 6 fake Cologne.
I think the air freshener is under your car seat.
I don't have this on my list andI'm sure you don't either, but
the Topanga has to be. If you're just a douche bag.
If you're douchey and like way too.
So mine all kind of like gravitate back towards exactly

(03:44):
that, yes. Mine can, yeah.
So we should have just called itthe reasons you're a douche bag.
Yeah, the reasons you're a turd ball.
A total turd ball. I got to thank Pun for flexible
scheduling here. Hey man, you know anything for
the podcast? I'm willing to sacrifice a
little more than you bought. Pun texted me last Friday.
He goes, hey, we recording todayor Monday?
And I didn't feel like recordingon Friday.

(04:05):
Yeah. So I was like, whatever you
want, dude. And he's like, how about Monday?
I was like, cool. And then I hung out with Chad at
a golf course on Sunday. And we got the fun.
Sunday fun and what we forget when we're old.
Adulting pros and cons con Sunday fun day How did you
don't? Work and Andy sent me a business
text yesterday. Hey, how flexible are you as far

(04:26):
as scheduling with tomorrow? Is that not going to work?
I'm like, listen guys, you don'twant to record to say that.
I was. I was not.
It wasn't. I wasn't in bad, bad shape, but
I had to work. So I was just tired.
Yeah. I was craving pizza.
Yeah. I didn't feel very funny.
Yeah, I get it. When's the last time you were
feeling a little tired from boozing the night before and you
felt like a hilarious human being?

(04:47):
Never. It all started because I got
snickered on the golf course, which was amazing.
I hit a shot, you know how like.What does snickered mean?
You'll hear it. OK, you know how like two holes
can go anti parallel? So you're like you're hitting it
this way, they're hitting it towards you.
Yes, often times amateur golfersslice, which means a
right-handed player hits it to the right.
Right. So you're in the other people's

(05:07):
fairway, which is always embarrassing.
Earl, I know you're listening. You probably don't have to deal
with this, but I do. No Earl's like a scratch golfer.
So these guys were cool and I was like, sorry, I'll just give
me one minute. And I hit another slice over
their heads. They all duck into the trees,
past their green it it didn't come close to hitting them.
Were you buzzed at this point? No, I had 0 beers.
I I didn't drink. I didn't drink a single beer on
the front 9. And I go over there and I go,

(05:29):
dude, I'm just gonna, this is awful.
I'm just gonna pick the ball up.And he goes, oh, you got a Tiger
Woods, that thing back there I go.
No, I'm going to go get a beer at the turn and he goes, you
don't have any. I go.
No, he goes, hey, why wait? He Snickers me.
Yeah, thirsty. Why wait?
And he why wait? Dude, this kid just hands me a
little bit slogan. I don't know him from anybody
and he just hands me a beer. So golf course, he got it.

(05:51):
I mean he. Started us into it.
Next thing Chad Chad brings me home afterwards and I'm locked
out of the house. I didn't bring a house key.
Oh, no. Was anybody home?
No. So I was like, well, we could
just run up to the corner you. Want to hang out a little
longer? Have a few bourbons.
One thing led to another. Next thing you know, we're
playing live craps on FanDuel side by side.

(06:13):
I was talking about the but I did.
I required it. It wasn't a bad, bad day
yesterday, but it required like carry out food.
So I got Yeah when I started, like, daydreaming about pizzas,
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he'd need some
grease. I'd take my son in jiu jitsu and
I'm talking one of the dads there.
My my son is friends with his son.
He's a great dude. And he goes, did I ever tell you
I'm banned from Jets? And I was like, you're what?

(06:35):
For those of you who aren't fromMichigan, Jets is like our we
take Michiganders, take pride inJet's pizza.
Because we love so good. Steph doesn't eat pizza, she's
an alien. What's their?
Problem. What is women's problem?
Why don't you eat pizza? Dude, I got so many aliens in
this house. You know what I was?
Steph brought home some bread the other day.
Sidetracked. She brought home some bread.

(06:55):
This is a couple months ago and she's like, that bread's going
to go bad soon, you got to do something with it.
Make a sandwich. I'm like, I can't eat like 6
sandwiches. But you know what?
I can't eat 6 pieces of French toast.
Oh, you had a boy. Dude, I look at her and my son
and my daughter. I'm like, who wants French
toast? And they're like, no, we don't
want any. I'm like, what are you, a bunch
of aliens? I don't.
Who says no to homemade French toast?

(07:17):
Would you ever be offered that and be like, no, I'm going?
No, I would ask if you had cinnamon powdered sugar.
What kind of syrup? Yeah, you gonna you gonna need
the breakfast meats and the. Buttermind, egg, butter.
Put butter on those. Get any Maple sausages in there?
So anyhow, my buddy James from jiu jitsu, he's banned from Jets
because apparently. How do you get?
Dude this is a nightmare situation.

(07:39):
Somebody called in and was like making a ruckus about their
order. And their name was like,
coincidentally also James. And it was right around the time
he was going to pick up a pizza.So they thought it was him.
And they were like, we're not selling you this pizza.
Get out. Oh my, so he like it wasn't him.
No, it wasn't him at all. So he's like blacklisted from

(08:00):
The Jets? Dude I mean I would wear that as
a bad of badge of honor honestly.
I would like I would start social interactions.
Be like you, you beg how many? I go how many calories does that
say and he goes a few, a few. So now he's got to drive like 2
cities over to go to another. Jets, does he ever order one to
like his neighbor's house under the name Desmond, or so you know
what I mean? That's a good idea.

(08:20):
Just order to the neighbor's house and then come Desmond.
The delivery guy doesn't care. Yeah, just leave him a $10.
Oh. That's a good idea.
So you don't even have to talk to Desmond.
No, you prepaid with your creditcard.
With your credit card and then you flag him down as he as he
pulls off Wrong house. Over here, I'm at my buddies.
That guy would be like. Your name happened to me, James.
Shit, could you imagine being? Make sure to click subscribe and

(08:44):
leave us a five star on our beloved pod.
You didn't mention how my daughter's graduation party was.
How was the party? Oh my God, that's a real.
I'm a horrible friend. That's a horrible.
Friend text me all week. I'm clipping this into
advertisers, but I will say I was texting about the the

(09:05):
timing. First of all, I didn't even get
an invitation. All right, I.
Got a text all right to be fair.I got a weak ass text that said
I think this is the location andyou gave me the wrong hours.
Yeah, I did. Yeah.
Yeah, My daughter said, hey, howmany invitations do you need?
I said what do you mean? What's an invitation?
What do you, you got to mail them to your side?
I said, what do you mean mail? I'll just text, I'll just text

(09:28):
everybody. And then, you know, I text all
the football group chat. I text this chat, this chat and
then none of them know. So luckily Lauren is in the, the
wives group chat. She handled it.
So she like arranges every, you know what I mean?
Cause the guys are like, I told the dudes 3 weeks ago and
they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll worry about that in three
weeks. So did they come?

(09:48):
Yeah. They showed up.
They showed, like, good. I mean, they're good friends.
Thanks, Melissa. It's Greg.
I was just trying to save you. Thanks.
On the open bar tab. I just feel bad that we didn't
go. I just completely effed up the
timing. It was like to the.
Point. All good, she cleaned up.
We would have gotten there at like with like an hour to go
and. She did.
We can't get there like. 5:00. Only problem is we had a little

(10:10):
too much food leftover and like it seemed.
I should have come. It seems great to take all that
home until it's in your fridge. Oh.
My. God.
And then you're like, how am I going to eat 86 pieces of fried
chicken? How do I eat all these
sandwiches? There's 914 cookies left, so
you're like, well, I got to makean effort.
I'm not a quitter. Mom didn't raise no bitch.

(10:32):
I'm going to eat 96 oatmeal Raisin.
Cookies and like pod how are we going to eat all this and you're
you're already. Out of halfway there that way,
is there any more of them chosenover strawberries?
Are you sure? Breath ish?
He's got the short of breath from the cookies.
Who's what? I'm fat right now.
Yeah, dude. There's nothing better than
those types of BBQ, graduation party, fried chicken, and the.

(10:53):
Oh man. Aluminum.
Pan, you know where so I was anti this.
We got the same chicken for my oldest daughter's graduation
party. Kroger's Market and Deli sells
catering chicken. It is so good.
Yeah, I think you told me it is 4, but I didn't know about the
so good. Beautifully priced too.
It's great if you need to order,you know, a gazillion pieces of

(11:16):
chicken. It's it's greatly priced.
The only problem is they're slightly sketchy with pickup.
For some reason they're always like, oh, did you order 950
pieces of chicken 17 months ago?How did they?
We, we don't have it ready yet. No.
Well, they did last year, but this year they had it on time.
It was. It was on time.
Ohh so your your older daughter?They did screw that up.

(11:38):
I had to wait and it wasn't. Just yes, I did not get an
invite to that. It was, it was, there were four
or five. There was like 3 dads and two
moms because it's graduation season right now.
Everybody's doing it. Oh yeah, We showed up.
Nobody's order was ready. Dude, I had like 6 pants.
I mean, picture the big cateringpants.

(11:58):
I had like six of those. Yeah.
And they're like, we haven't even started cooking them yet.
That's when you have to start ringing next.
So I I this is. My kids graduation party.
I can't have no food. I I missed the 1st just about an
hour and a half hour and 40 minutes of her graduation party
because of it which. Plunges put on the plastic
gloves and started helping the guy.
Move out of the way dumps. That's how you do drumsticks.

(12:19):
That's not how you do drumsticks.
Oh man, the drumsticks are what I go for.
Yeah, I love drumsticks. The breasts.
The breasts are great, but you're a.
Breast guy. I'm a leg guy.
I'm a breast guy. The best were the same, which
is. I'm more of a leg and ass guy.
We're talking we talking chicks.I don't know what we're talking
about right now. If you haven't already listened,
go back and listen to our episode 74.

(12:39):
I should probably mention you can find us on Instagram.
You can find us on Facebook, Spotify, everything Apple
podcast type in. I don't even need to give you
the handle. Just type in conversational
humor. It'll pop right up.
If you haven't listened yet, go back and listen to our episode
74 on the places we want to visit.
The least I got to say the funniest part pawn.
I listened to it like 3 times was I actually had to have Steph

(13:03):
approve it was when we were talking about going to the
pregnancy doctor. Oh no.
And you were like that is horrific.
And you you use the word spreader tool.
Oh yeah, yeah. Get you a spreader.
And I go to so Stephanie always.What are they called?
They're called. Don't know.
All I know is when Steph listens, she was cracking up and

(13:24):
she's like, this is you can definitely keep this in because
you just sound like a bunch of wussy men that are too, too
scared to look at anything. And you guys are so stupid.
You don't know what anything's called or what we're going to go
through. And I was like, that's exactly
what we. Are that's an accurate
assessment is exactly. What we are.
And then we started to compare it to the proctologist.
We started talking about gettingour assholes finger blasted.
We cut off the list at that point.

(13:46):
Probably good. That's probably why I'm still
employed. You started giggling.
You go. I'm done, dude.
I'm done. All right, Get into our
appetizer section. Do you want to hear the most
horrific thing that's ever happened to me at work?
It might be too much for the podcast so.
I do a pretty good job of. Keeping it somewhat, do you know
what happens if say you buy likea protein shake, like a Fair

(14:10):
Life or a Core Power or a MuscleMilk or any of those and they
have been refrigerated right. So those can be left on the
shelf. I believe because they're they
can be left on the shelf. You can buy them as long as they
haven't been refrigerated, they're totally fine.
Once they've been refrigerated, they must continue to be

(14:30):
refrigerated. Really, yes.
So like you can go. Into we had this conversation.
You can go into Walmart and buy muscle milk right?
Off the dry shelf, Slim fast andmuscle milk.
Yes, once you refrigerate it, you can't unrefrigerate.
Keep refrigerated once open right?
So like once you have cracked that seal you you have to also
dumb. No no don't take my advice.
Keep them always refrigerated for the long day.

(14:52):
After you crack the seal, of course you have to.
Right, but muscle milk once it enters.
I mean, at least this is what I always thought.
Even unopened. Even unopened once you have
referred I I would never take a milk product dry, refrigerate
then go back to warm like I justthat's crazy talk.
Yeah. But anyways, I did that
unintentional. Yeah, I.

(15:13):
Just don't know why I would evertake it out of the fridge but.
Go and not but I so I did this but didn't drink it fast enough
so the heat of the sun as it saton my dashboard.
Dude, and you're a truck driver.I.
Consume this, right? So I text Lauren.
I go, hey, I'm feeling a little queasy and what day is it?
I go, this is Saturday and I do we, no one works Saturday.

(15:35):
I'm the only person in the entire company working Saturday
and I go, it would be horrific if I threw up or hit my pants in
at work. So I, I end up getting off work
and and as I'm leaving the gate of my work, I'm like man, you
know, maybe I should go to the bathroom 'cause I'm not feeling
good. At so you're done with.

(15:55):
Work. I'm done with work.
I'm just not sure you're going to make it all the way.
Home, I'm just not sure, but I'mlike, that's whatever, it's
fine. It's Saturday.
I hit the beat to to close the gate.
Gates close, alarm set, I'm out.Jump on 75 and there's traffic.
You always got a plan for. Traffic and so I'm a
professional at moving around and holding it and keeping it

(16:18):
because like I drive a lot. So I'm holding it and I'm like
I'm going to get through this. I can make it.
I get off. The 4th St.
Cruise was happening Saturday and I'm stuck in 26 mile long
traffic and instantly I. Saw Chesley's Bar I.
Was like, Oh my God, I have foodpoisoning.

(16:40):
It was the most awful feeling that went through my entire body
that I've ever felt in my life. And I couldn't control it all in
my pants. No, the car and I didn't get
home for 20 minutes, 25 minutes.I sat in it.
Every single time I hit a bump, it felt like the Everglades.

(17:01):
There was like mossy water in mypants.
Ohh my. God I this.
Cannot be a true story. I stripped in my backyard and I
am 100% sure not only did my neighbor see my front, but she's
seen what was running up my back.
Yeah, yeah. Oh my.

(17:22):
God, luckily Lauren wasn't on. Luckily, nobody was there to see
it. Luckily, she's going to hear it
on a public podcast. I.
It was horrific. I I still had it Sunday.
I missed her daughter. Are the clothing lit on fire?
No, I washed them four times. So listen, our, our, our washer
has like a super crazy setting. That's like a two hour and 5

(17:45):
minute wash cycle. It's called you're a truck
driver hand cycle. I have listen, I always joke
about it, but I have never shipped my I've never been able
to not hold it. I'm so happy you brought this to
the public. Hey, you're welcome.
Boys. So yeah, I don't know how your
Saturday went, but I my pants and had to drive home with it

(18:06):
moving around in traffic. Everybody's talking, they're
laughing, they're listening to music.
It's sunny out. I got shit in my pants.
Oh my. God, that is, it wasn't viable.
I'll tell you what man, that when you're sick like that,
there's there's nothing worse. I was the sickest I've ever was

(18:27):
was after a Mexico trip and it was like 36 hours of hell.
It looked great in a bathing suit though.
The. Rest of the summer.
That's right. Have you got all that out of
you, buddy? Purge that system.
That's right. Let's see if I if I end up
having to clip all that out Appetizer, our appetizer section
is going to be like one minute long.
Hey, you got any appetizers? Nope.
Nope, and easy nose. Let's see if I have anything

(18:49):
related to. Eating your pants.
Eating your pants while in the car?
Let's see, I want, let's see. I want to make a Speakeasy in my
house with a secret door. Dude that would be awesome.
I did see another horrible situation, the Cedar Point.
Did you see that sirens curve? The new roller coaster?
It like goes forward and then itlike tilts.

(19:10):
You're going directly down. The first day it opened, people
were stuck facing down for like 20 minutes.
Dude, I'm I'm too old for Cedar Point ride.
I'm too old. I brought my son there last week
'cause I was off all week. We went to Cedar Point on
Tuesday, into the Toledo Zoo on Thursday.
I thought about puns, rants about not wanting to go to Ohio.
I had enough of Ohio. It's horrible.
It's the traffic, dude. I was stuck in multiple traffic

(19:33):
jams too. Well, they don't know how to
read down there, so they don't know what exit to get off.
Dude, we were at the zoo though.We were at the and I'm not
stereotyping any group of peopleever.
Sort of. Every time I see Amish people
pun I'm always like. Enamored.
Yes, I know they're awesome. Like you're enamored, you're
amazed, You're like, man, you still exist.
Yeah, they don't listen. They don't use phones unless

(19:55):
it's for certain things. They don't use cars unless it's
for certain things. They don't use power tools
unless it's. For you know how they heat
buggies in the winter? Time to go places.
They slapped the horse's ass harder.
No, they heat up bricks and theyput them in the bottom of the
carriage that they're riding. In listen, I I my TikTok rabbit
hole was Amish people putting barns up in a day for a long,

(20:19):
long time. Those are the hardest workings.
There's no doubt about it. They're OK.
But you forget they exist. If we're drafting groups of
people, I'm taking Mexican first, Amish second.
I'm sorry if I got some stuff tobuild.
Oh. My God, I'm.
Drafting Mexican. I apologize, I'm drafting Amish

(20:42):
self. I'll take that as a compliment.
Yes, Mexican people work their ass up.
Let. Me tell you something about
these Amish. You know how the Toledo Zoo, I
don't know the last time you've been there, but they have like a
small portion of it on one side of the freeway.
It's been a while. And so you have to go up this
huge, I remember, to the bridge over the road.
I remember that. Was an elevator option.
You and Max had to take the yellow, no?
No, you'll never guess who was taking the.

(21:04):
Other. Not the Amish.
The Amish, No. Yeah, dude, it must have been
like going to Cedar Point for them.
Like Dad? They were like, can we go down
again? What is this cable system on
this magical steel control? That's why I was like, I have to
bring this up to punter. Are they allowed to use
elevators? They're allowed to do just about
anything for like I know they can use power tools if it's for

(21:25):
business, and I know they can use phone calls.
These are like modern exceptionsthat they never.
Wonder if you other Amish peoplewould have seen them and seeing
that there was a staircase that they could have used and been
like. Oh, what are you, Jethro?
I wonder what Jebadiah is over there thinking.
I mean. I, I don't know, listen, if you
see a, like, if you see an Amishperson roll up in a Ford Raptor,

(21:47):
like I'm not going to call the church.
Yeah, I'm just going to let them.
Just let them around. Is it a church?
Is Amish a church? It's just like a way of life.
I just feel like they're all in Pennsylvania and I don't know
much more than that, and they can build stuff really fast.
The ones I know about were in northern Indiana.
I used to get stuck behind them on my way home from the plant.
That's how I know about the hot bricks.
Yep. I'll tell you what, you know,

(22:07):
you're on too many business trips.
I was at one of those lunch. The kitchens at lunchtime are
spectacular, but you know you'respending too much time in a
hotel when one of the waitress comes up in Amish dress and
you're like, damn. But take me back to 1765.
Years that one hell of a good looking Amish dress.

(22:27):
Stuff. I do not vouch for this thing.
Last thing I'll say, since it kind of reminds me of Ohio even
though this happened in Michigan, is pun.
Do you know, are you cognizant of the fact that your ass cracks
hanging out when it's hanging out?
Yes, what's? With these dudes whose ass
cracks are just hanging out in public.
I think they're aware, they justdo not care or they have
reached. Also, maybe you know you you say

(22:49):
the word cognizant. I wonder if they're just not
fully cognitively there because people chew with their mouth
open and don't realize it. People's butt cracks are out.
Like, people do things that makeme wonder, like just maybe
they're not all the way there. My mom and dad kept my son and
my other two niece and nephews that we were all to do together
overnight that night, Thursday. So I was like, Steph, let's do a

(23:10):
date night. We went to Mike's on the water
over here eating outside. And this dude next to us, he
wasn't even like a big dude. He was like skinny in shape,
just ass crack right through theback of the seat our whole day.
And I'm like, it was Guy has to know that his ass crack's out,
right? Yeah, he has to know.
But why wouldn't you fix it? I just don't.
That's one thing that always confuses me.
Me too. And that's why I wonder, like,

(23:30):
maybe he doesn't know. Like if he was as mentally there
as you are, you would know. But maybe this guy's not.
Maybe he's just a space connection.
Maybe there's just like a secretSociety of ass crack people that
we're not aware of. Or yeah, maybe him and his wife
just sit there and go. Is the guy be on his notice?
Is he see it? Is he?
Is he disgusted, babe? Disgusted.

(23:53):
Oh, I do have one more thing. Did you see the Disney Cruise
stuff? No, I saw that Netflix has a
documentary on the poop cruise. Speaking of.
Yesterday or the day before you?Would fit right in on that.
Cruise the poop cruise. Dude, I'm gonna rock it and
roll, alright? Punch for mayor.
Yesterday or to. Me, I'm the captain of this. 2

(24:13):
days ago a Disney's coming back from the Bahamas.
They're in between the Bahamas in Florida and a dad puts his
five year old on the railing to.Oh my God, I did see this and
she fell overboard. And he jumped in after her dude.
And they rescued them. I I have I got.
The chills right now. For a solid 24 hours I have been

(24:36):
enthralled with Disney's response.
I have like your chance of survival is less than 10% if you
fall in perfect conditions if you fall.
From hitting the water. No, just from like it usually
takes about 20 minutes before them before they can stop.
Happened to make a complete turnthen they have to find you.
Does the current take you away? Sharks also follow cruise ships

(24:56):
because they dump the fruit and all the things.
Oh my God, now I'm getting the chills again.
It's terrifying. It is.
It is. It's not impossible, but we're
talking single digit percentage wise that you survived that they
had. Them picked up in like 18
minutes, it said. From the moment the kid falls to
the moment they're back on the bulge. 20 minutes.
On yeah, I did see that. I am just like I want to give

(25:19):
and I'm usually a Disney hater lately like 1.
The prices are they're one. They're like Disney is usually
insanely overpriced and I just want to give them their flowers
for having state-of-the-art. They freaking came to like a
complete stop. From what I read they stopped

(25:39):
and then sent out like a jig. Yeah, they have those little.
No, they're, well, they have. OK, so you know how you've been
on cruises, right? Have a small boat to get them.
Yeah, they have. No, I've not been.
They have lifeboats and then they have.
So every cruise ship, including Disney have lifeboats, but they
have rescue boats though that little like it almost looks like
a ski boat, right, right, right.So they can deploy faster and

(26:02):
get to the person faster. Disney invests.
Supposedly this is also just reading the Internet but Disney
invest a lot of money and training into this kind of thing
and it saved a 5 year old kid saying is it.
I got I just. Got the chills again, everything
you said. Coolest thing I've ever seen.
I'm so impressed with Disney that.
Five year old goes overboard. They send to the rescue boat.

(26:24):
It was a woman named Rose goes overboard.
They toss her dresser door. And we'll see you later.
But I, I cannot believe how fastthey stopped.
How also the stars did a line because the, I guess I don't
know how true this is, but they were saying that all cruise
ships have a detection device that if you go over the side,
they can tell really. So I don't know if they, I don't

(26:46):
how that would work. Maybe on your bracelet.
But also everybody seen it happened.
So they immediately said they they pressed whatever they
needed to press to alert. Iceberg straight ahead.
Everybody knew immediately this the the shit stops as fast as
they could. What's more impressive to me is
people don't realize they're four stories up the the kid

(27:07):
falls. Four stories is.
So the dad reacts fast enough tojump off a moving boat in the
ocean to find the five year old before she goes under, grabs
everything lined up. That guy should be famous.
Well, he also put his kid on a 5year old on a railing.
That guy should be in jail. So I wonder what the flood of
emotions are because, like they said, the mom was crying.

(27:30):
She was crying even more when they got back on the boat
because it really fully hit her.What happened?
Yeah, But what are those emotions?
And how, like, as a dude, you'relike, at least you cleaned your
mess up. Sorry, Hon.
You did good, buddy. You brought, you know, like, I'm
thinking if that were my son, I'd be like, hey, that like,
that was stupid. Yeah, but you did what you had
to do. You got her back.
It's all can. You imagine what that guy hears

(27:51):
the rest of his days. He'd be like, hey babe, if you
could stop leaving your makeup all over the bathroom.
Remember. Remember that in the ocean.
You remember when Disney had to sound the alarm?
From that time, Emma was sittingon the edge of a cruise ship and
you flipped her overboard. Yeah.
Do you think? Jumping in instantly is awesome.
Yeah. And then so I was watching a
real It was like NBC had. We really having pork chops for

(28:14):
dinner again? Hey, you remember that one time
that they had to send out? NBC had like professional divers
on there and they were saying how almost impossible it is on a
moving boat that fast because belt belt boots are flying it.
Just doesn't feel like you're anopen.
Water, right? And then for a 5 year old to hit
the water to be able to keep herself afloat and for you to

(28:35):
react fast enough to jump and then find, get oriented enough
to look for the kid is like it. It's insanely it.
It's just those people should not be alive, and they are, and
it's awesome. That's insane.
It's really cool. The fact that the baby didn't
get like knocked out when it hitthe water.
That far up and you say 4 stories in the air, you're also

(28:57):
you're also skipping how big like the bow of that boat?
Like for sure it's four stories from the main.
Deck, do you think the propellers that you have to
dodge also? Fell so far.
Dude then you said the shark thing.
Yeah, so that's what you will. We'll make this quick.
But remember the the kid who jumped off on his graduation
night? They never found him.

(29:18):
They have this just happened a couple of months ago.
But they have like a grainy video because his buddies, like,
dared him to jump off this cruise ship.
He does. It's getting.
So worse than a tide pod? So dumb.
Yeah. So he jumps in and if you look
closely you can see like dark things coming and then he
disappears hole. Yeah, yeah, he's got the chills

(29:40):
for the 6th time. So but I guess that's really
common that that sharks and a lot of sea life follow cruise
ships because the dumps every day at the buffet there's fresh
watermelon and strawberries and all anything they can dump in
the ocean that would sea life would eat they do and it's tons
of food if. Pond would have fallen off that
cruise ship after. Driving would have found the
Starbury, the strawberries in the water.

(30:01):
I'd have been like, hey Olivia, I'll get to you shortly.
Oh, you'd have fallen in with shitty pants and got eaten by
the sharks. Sharks would have been going for
the kid and be like oh shitty pants McGee.
Look, it's chocolate. Pudding.
All right, get into our ES and OS section.
I'll try to keep this a little bit short.

(30:23):
From episode 73. I'm so disappointed.
I forgot to say from episode 73 last time I meant to say
adulting pros and cons. Pawn and Lauren went on a
bicycle pub crawl on their own for her birthday.
That was awesome. That's where he asked her to
marry him. And at one point you sent me a
picture of your bikes parked at a credit union.

(30:43):
Yeah, we were at a credit. I don't know why we.
Were those adults and cons? When you're on a bicycle pub
crawl but you got to pay your bills, you go.
I'm pretty sure they don't sell high noons in this
establishment. What's funny is so funny.
Lauren had like a crown on her head and we're at the next.
We're like, OK, 6 beers later, she goes, oh crap, I think my

(31:04):
crown's at the credit union and she had to.
So she doesn't even say anything.
She just gets on her bike and pedals off into the sunset and
I'm like, where the hell? She comes back 20 minutes later
with the crown on her head. She's like, yeah, it's still
but. It was halfway onto 1 knee and
she starts pedaling away the speed of light.
Yeah, it was an awesome day, Yeah.
So I was totally bummed I didn'tsay it last time because when

(31:26):
you sent me that picture and yousaid a Dalton Khan, so funny.
I have some from a episode 74 The places we want to visit the
least it did make me think of. The the ocean when you're on a
Disney cruise. Yeah, the ocean is in general
somewhere I don't like to be in.No, even like we're going to
Virginia Beach this summer as a family.

(31:47):
No, I do not like to. Deep water is terrifying.
I got another thing for you. Have you?
Have you ever heard of blue sky lightning?
No. OK, so couples getting married.
This happened last week in Florida.
Whatever I. Can't imagine being Lauren.
Punk gets home. Punk gets home from a day on the

(32:07):
truck and he's like. Hey, listen to listen to the
days. Yeah.
So blue sky lightning is, if there's a storm 30 miles away,
light. Long story short, lightning can
can strike up to 30 miles away from where the original storm
is. So it could be completely sunny
where you're at and you die. And they're a couple on their

(32:27):
honeymoon. She's on her chair having a
drink. The husband's in ankle deep
water. He just walked to the edge of
the ocean. He's standing there, probably
frolicking, got a drink in his hand.
Boom. Dead.
Yeah. You know it doesn't mix
lightning and water. But it was completely it was not
like this outside. It was no storm.
It's sunny and beautiful. And he's just sitting there

(32:48):
frolicking. And he's just frolicking and
guy's just frolicking. I'm starting up.
There's Idiot bang a lot of frolicking on my honeymoon pun,
and I can tell you I didn't frolic in a lot of clothing.
Though no. No.
No, no, but my sister, I was going to say sister of the pods
biggest fear we always joke about it is she's terrified of

(33:09):
large bodies of water, not only 'cause they're dangerous, but
she is terrified of whales, she said.
Imagine if you're. I'm not laughing.
I'm not laughing. She said.
Imagine if you're like floating in the ocean and all of a sudden
you feel a scraping across your feet.
And it's just a whale. And it's like the scraping goes
on for 5 minutes and it's a whale.
Swimming I. Was like, yeah, that is pretty
terrifying. Blue whales are the largest
thing that's ever lived on this planet.

(33:31):
Isn't that insane? And I see maybe it is AI, but I
see like these Instagram reels with people who are in like
fishing boats or like stand up wakeboarding or what's that
called stand up paddle boarding?Yeah.
And like there maybe in Australia or something in a
whale's fin just flops over. I mean, I would myself.
Yeah, I mean, they're beautiful.I don't listen, I'm not.

(33:51):
I gotta tell you, I'm more of a pool guy, so you know what I
mean? I the Ocean's beautiful.
Tides are dangerous. I I want to explore and I want
to ride the boats and I want to see the beautiful scenery, but I
don't really want to be in the middle of the ocean swimming.
I don't like to go past my ways.No.
I do like to fight the waves though, it's pretty fun.

(34:12):
Yeah, that is fun, except shallow.
Except for there's like 87 things within 1/4 mile.
That one. Slapped in the temple by a
hammerhead shark. Yeah.
I can tell you we were in Fort Myers Beach one year and my
daughter was probably, they wereyoung, the kids were young.
She was probably like 8 and maybe 8-9 years old.
And we were like trying to find like those sand dollars.

(34:33):
You're not allowed to take them out, but we would just find them
and then like catch and release you.
Know, yeah, you took some home though.
No, no, no, absolutely not. We're a nature family dude.
We would never. And she was like, oh, what's
this? I got a big one here.
And she picks it up and it's a starfish bigger than her hand.
And all of a sudden it just highfives her and closes on her
hand. And she, she was like block and

(34:53):
just like guns A starfish acrossFort Myers Beach.
RIP. Starfish it.
Was so. Good, that's funny.
I get into our sports section. Happy Bobby Bunny a day.
I know, how great. Today is the one day.
What does he make $1.2 million until 2036?
Yeah, he's still got another decade.

(35:14):
That's insane. I was reading this quickly the
NBA draft. I just wish more writers wrote
like this. I was reading I'm obsessed with
drafts no matter what, but the NBA draft is kind of trash since
I don't know, 10 years. But there was I was reading on
the score app that the one I checked my scores on and someone
was giving draft grades and people should write like this
more often. They gave the Dallas.

(35:35):
He gave the Dallas Mavericks an A+ because of the Cooper flag
pick. And he goes he was like best all
around prospect, cornerstone player going to be the lead, you
know, leader of their team for 10 to 15 years, etcetera,
etcetera. And then he goes and I quote
provided to Rogue GM doesn't decide to deal him to a
conference rival in the prime ofhis career out.
Damn, dude, yeah. Shots fired.

(35:57):
Yep. Before we breeze past it,
Michigan recruiting is on an absolute.
I. Saw that, leader.
I saw that. You know what you know?
I have it on the show doc. Actually, I don't.
I don't. Killing it.
The thing about it is, is SharonMoore.
Do you think Sharon Moore is going to win a national title at
Michigan? I was thinking about this
earlier, not was he going to wina national title, but was he a

(36:18):
really good coach and could he could talent translate into
actual building, actually actualwins in building a program?
And I think my answer is yes. That's why that's kind of what I
was getting to is when you have the good recruits, you have to
win. You have to, yeah.
Like Ohio State, for example. I'll just use them because
they're Michigan's biggest rival.

(36:39):
If the coach doesn't win at OhioState, they end up fired after
four or five years because that's the expectation at Ohio
State because their recruiting classes are always top 10.
Michigan's normally pretty good recruiting, but they've had some
ups and downs. But now if Cheryl Moore's
bringing in this top level. To back-to-back top.
We're going to see if he can really coach.
The only bad thing is is Bryce'sguy.

(37:01):
I don't know how this year's going to turn out.
This year's is not what I'm considering.
And even next year, so say he brings in this top five class,
which they're trending towards the the real thing is not going
to be next year because all these guys are going to be
freshmen. Bryce and the boys will be soft.
So he's got a couple years, Grace.
That junior year is probably going to be Bryce's last year

(37:21):
and those guys Year 2 for receivers.
Year 2 is when they turn the corner.
So you're going to have all thisbig time talent if he may not
win it next year. No, I didn't say next year, but
in his career. I think by year three he should
be a serious title contender. He'll be under pressure to be to
be yes, because even like like Cheryl Moore waiting until year

(37:42):
two and three. I saw something today, Paul
Finebaum said. The Heisman Trophy finalist
maybe winner is going to be ArchManning.
He's probably a lot of people have Arch Manning as the top
pick in the draft next year. I.
Could see that. He's done nothing in college so.
Far I know because. He sat behind Quinn Ewers, who
was actually garbage in hindsight.
I know that, but I have I do trust Sarkeesian in at the

(38:06):
University of Texas. Sark's a maniac.
I would trend if he wasn't what we thought, if he wasn't what
they thought he was, there wouldbe some whispers.
But like, he's the guy he they're hand in their program.
I'm not saying he's not. I think a lot of Do you think
Texas is going to win it this year?
I think they have a real shot. They're.
Going to make the playoff shot to win it and it'll be because

(38:28):
our training, I guess what I wasgetting at is like that guy
played almost none his first twoyears and now they're going to
be probably the favourites or the second favourites after Ohio
State to win the national championship.
Like, the pressure will mount for your own Moore 'cause even
if, like, Bryce Underwood isn't good as a freshman, like,
eventually, if he's supposed to be.
Yeah. But I mean, OK, if Bryce is what

(38:49):
we think he is as a freshman, like picture what everybody
thinks Bryce Underwood is going to become the freshman version
of that, right? So he, he, he's just if we had
freshman Bryce Young last year or Bryce Underwood last year.
What did I say? Did I say Underwood?
Or maybe I messed it. Up either way, I I think we

(39:11):
might make the playoffs if we have competent quarterback, even
from a freshman that defense, because by the end of the year,
what's our coordinator's name? What's our boy's name?
Wink Martindale. Wink Martindale, by the end of
the year, figured it out. Defensively.
He slowed it down with the blitzlike he figured it out.
I mean, look what he did to OhioState and that game.

(39:32):
And then the right and then. The Ohio State started boat
racing people in the playoffs. Yeah, the quarterback play for I
will never forget that play against Ohio State when Michigan
receiver was wide open in the end zone and our guy threw an
interception and I was like, I jumped off the couch, like ready
to cheer because I was like, I've watched enough football to
know that's a touchdown when he broke open and then he threw it

(39:53):
to the other team and I was like, how's this even possible?
It's so crazy because in 2020 I at the end of 2020.
I was so frustrated with Harbaugh and I was like, I, I
might have even said that on this podcast.
When did when did we start this in 2022-2023?

(40:13):
2023 I was at the end of 20/21/2020 season.
We didn't play Ohio State because of COVID.
I want a Harvard gone. I.
I prayed. I was like, I just want to
experience the playoffs. I just want to experience it.
Then we. Did you sent me me that exact
task? And then we sent, oh, it wasn't
a group chat to you and they just.

(40:34):
Said this on an early early podcast I just want to
experience. I've just wanted to feel what it
felt like to have a competent football team three straight
years and then a natty. That was the greatest sports win
of my adult life. It was the best.
I'm still riding a little bit ofthat.
It was so. It was a magical time.
And the Alabama game still comesup in my Facebook reels and.

(40:56):
It's it's so. Good, I get the chills more than
you talking about dumping A5 year old overboard on a cruise.
Dude, it was I. Maybe there was something
magical because my son was had just turned 12 and it was like
we went to watch it at the movietheater, which I I cannot rave
enough again. If if Michigan's back and then
it win Michigan's back in the national ticket.
You did that 20 bucks a ticket, beautiful seating, crystal clear

(41:20):
HD on 100 foot screens. It was magical.
That is pretty sweet. Dudes running up and down high
fiving everybody the aisle. It was cocktails are allowed.
It was magical cocktails and sweetest fish 'cause you're in
the movie theater, so you can have Sour Patch Kids if you
want. Nobody's judging.
And the popcorn with the straw in the middle.

(41:41):
Yep, it was. It was that Michigan win.
I could talk all podcasts while that was so fun.
And there's a football game the end of this month.
Lions Chargers Hall of Fame gameis.
July, my first. Football is right around the
corner. I don't know when Michigan
starts. Typically college football
starts like 2 full weeks before Labor Day.
Michigan's either. Usually the weekend before

(42:02):
labor. Day it's yeah, the the tail end
of August or like September 3rd.Just like, you know, in like 7
weeks they're going to be playing.
Football very soon it's. Insane.
Yeah. One thing I want to talk about,
I did want to get to Caitlin Clark.
Not sure we're gonna have enoughtime.
Caitlin. There's so much to talk about
with Caitlin Clark. Yeah, but let me just ask you
this question, Punk, because you're the expert on this and
I'm not mixed martial arts. Yeah.

(42:24):
I saw a video of a guy who is killing people.
Like killing. Do you know who I'm talking
about? No who?
He is named. Ilia.
Tapuria, Ilia Tapuria is, this guy is.
He a monster is. He or is he not?
No, he is not. Because I'm like.
A legitimate. Me, I don't watch it a lot, so
I'm like, well, maybe a lot of guys are this.

(42:46):
He is the hype. Every single highlight I see
this guy, I watched a reel of all of his wins.
Yes, he kills people. Dude, he's making people's
eyeballs facing like separate directions.
Man, the guy he fought last weekend, Charles Olivera,
although he's kind of. Getting older.
At the downturn of his career but AI mean like.
That's how I started into this rabbit hole was Olivera.

(43:08):
His eyes are they're in Mars. Like it's kind of scary to watch
that. First of all, in MMA, I think we
might have talked about this before.
Those rap you got, they got to stop those fights a little bit
sooner. Some.
Yeah, when those guys are knocked out standing up and they
take like two or three hammer punches to the head, it's it's
tough to watch. But to be fair, imagine you're
standing I I give you're right there.

(43:29):
There are some awfully awful jobs by the refs, but also on
the counterpoint would be imagine you're standing there as
your job watching every move from both guys, and then
somebody gets knocked out and you have to react and jump on
the guy. Yeah, and I've seen fights where
the guy's not knocked out and heends up making a comeback and
win. Like you don't want to cheat
somebody out of a fight. That's actually a great list

(43:52):
topic of like the hardest jobs in sports.
MMA referee would have to be up there because it's like if you
stop it too soon. WNBA fan.
Also, how did you segue, how didyou segue from Caitlin Clark
into MMA? You all pun.

(44:13):
I got so much to talk about. Caitlin Clark, do you know about
this? MMA I want to give a quick shout
out after On our way out of sports, I want to give a quick
shout out to Brian Bannister. Big burn dope.
Who slapped that podcast stickerright on the back of that new
Chuck? I know I felt bad because I
didn't respond in time. He sent a cool picture.
That was really awesome man. New Chuck, new sticker.

(44:35):
Yeah, if you guys want a sticker, reach out to us.
You can get a shout out just like Bannister and you and your
car will look just as cool. I also want to give a shout to
Matt Cole. He listened to one of our ads
that I read for my uncle who's amagician, hired him for his kids
birthday, his son's birthday party.
That is awesome. Sorry, my son texted me.
No big deal. Yeah.
So I thought that was pretty cool.
So that. Is very cool.
If you're looking to have us read an ad for you, just let me

(44:56):
know. I'll also say Party Adventure
has our sticker up in the doorway still, so you can find
them at www.partyadventureusa.com for
all your balloon and party. Hit em up all.
Right. It's list time, baby.
Let's do it. Beat it out of my mouth, beat me
to it. And this weeks list is the
reason you can't date our daughters.

(45:18):
I'm gonna tell you why. Because I'm armed.
I own a firearm. That's the Topanga.
I will shoot you in the face. I mean, what do you do?
This is supposed to be a comedy podcast.
What do you do if your daughter dates a creep?
My daughter did because. You and I have been creeped
before. We're we're a little
hypocritical, right? Now I'll tell you what happened
was I I was sold a a bill of goods and I wasn't told the

(45:40):
whole truth about this guy and and maybe an adult who is in my
daughter's life knew that he wasn't there was nothing and
you. Pistol whipped him.
OK, well, I did maybe sort of threaten to harm his father and
drag him out of his sleep when he if he ever came around.
No, don't care. Leave it in.
I want him to know you heard my daughter.

(46:02):
I'm killing everybody. Never.
Coming back around. Killing everybody.
You want me to start it off? Yeah, go ahead.
I thought you just did it your firearms.
Would say the said he. Was going to kill a kid, said he
had firearms and then said you want me to start off?
I would say the first one would be if you're like the kind of

(46:22):
guy who's a fat shamer. And the reason I say that is
because you're going to walk into my house and often I'm
going to be shirtless eating a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
My God, she's in the backroom. Go grab her thighs.
I just shamed you. Thanks a lot, Fatty.
Hey, your dad's fat as shit. He ain't cutting it stupid.

(46:49):
To go from killing a kid. Damn fat shaving you for being.
Shirtless with sitting in the toe's crunch.
That's so good. Oh my God.
Well, that beats my minor. No particular.
I have a bunch here because I wasn't sure a lot of people like
this pawn. I think it's the lamest thing in

(47:11):
the world, and it shows not onlya lack of confidence in
yourself. Let me just ask you a quick
question, OK? Do you ever want your daughter
to be in a situation where she can't say no?
No. Then enough of these stupid prom
proposals. Yeah, What are these?
Yeah, It's like, dude, you brought a horse and carriage to
my house. A dude's playing trumpets.

(47:32):
Playing a playing a boom box outside like John Cusack.
Hey dork, she told you in 3rd hour she wasn't going with prom.
Beat it. What to me, it just is such like
a cop out for the guys. It's like such an easy like I
think that's part of like the growing process for you to gain
confidence to talk to girls later in life is talking to

(47:52):
them, not making what are you going to do?
Go to the bar with a poster board later in life and be like
if you want. To get in touch, you want to
shout at the kids. You're the girl for me.
All right, the works. The only time I will accept it
is a lot of them. I think you find that they're
already boyfriend, girlfriend, and they already kind of know
that they're going to say yes. I don't think I don't think the

(48:14):
majority of promposals are just shooting like also, if it was I
I kind of respect the dude. Like you rented a Budweiser
truck and you crafted you had the whole art class crafted
giant banner. Yeah.
So I mean. So if you're not dating, he
doesn't just show up to your house with watermelons?
No, these are for baby to carry.Although if he showed up with

(48:37):
watermelon carried the exception.
Buddy come home in. I carried the watermelon.
That's a Dirty Dancing joke. Fun.
Yeah, I got it. Yeah, Prom puzzles down with it.
I would. It's fine if it happened.
I'd be proud, but I'd be like inthe back of my mind, I'd be
like, this guy's lame. I would say one of the most
important ones would be like if you're too cool or you party a

(49:00):
lot, The one thing I don't want is the first time I meet you,
for you to have a 30 pack of Bush lattes when you walk in.
Now, if if your mom and dad showup to meet me for the first time
and they got some cocktails, great.
But I don't want the cool kid who like has, you know, he
smells like a little something. And yes, I have that on here if
you smell like weed for. Done.

(49:21):
You're done. Forget about it, you're done
here and. A lot of people are sitting
there going. No one shows up to your
daughter's house where their parents are home with a 30 pack
of. You do the kind of kids who
don't date your daughter. The kid you don't want to date
your. Dad, that you Pistol Whip.
Yeah, but let's just picture this.
You had your daughter's graduation party.
The cool kid might be there getting all drunk and unruly in
front of you, the parent. And that's just like, OK, this

(49:43):
guy has no respect for authorityat all.
He's not dating. My I have no patience for it,
which is why I've turned down all the party proposals for my
house after prom after graduation.
Her mom does it. She's OK with like if they have
a couple cocktails and miles, they all have to sleep in the
basement. They're not allowed now.
I, I will do you know how fast Iwill punch a kid named Kevin in

(50:06):
the face? I will punch a 17 year old.
Ain't no Kevin's nowadays. It's Ethan.
That's true, yeah. Yeah, hi, my my friend Hawk,
you're like no, no, get him out.That's.
Not funny meme that was talking about the NBAI was going to
mention it in sports for the youknow, the Oklahoma City want it
Yes, with home ground and they go imagine carrying a baby for
nine months and decided to name Jack.

(50:30):
How about how about this one from my last one?
How about if you're an Ohio State fan, a Packer fan or a
Scientologist? Just turn your ass around and
get off the front porch, dude, because I love football.
I. I almost can't laugh at that one
only. Because your son is in Ohio
State. So I went to laugh.
Not laughing at my job. There, as soon as you said that,

(50:51):
I was like, oh wait, I have one in my family.
All right, fine. What if he's a Scientologist?
Oh, he's done. No.
No. What about if you tell me that
you sorry it's your turn? No go, I'm deleting my list as
you as you talk. What if you come to my house to
pick up my daughter and you tellme I'm like, hey, what are your
plans for your fall semester next year at college?

(51:12):
And his answer is that he's going to Notre Dame for
photography. Like these fake degrees that are
I'm like oh, so you're going to want to marry my daughter after
your $100,000 in debt for photography?
He's wearing like super tight pants.
I'm going to the arts. He's wearing like the checkered
vans. I just think he's got a long key
chain. It's the same rule to not be

(51:33):
hypocritical. It's the same rule for my kids.
He's like, hey man, it's all good vibes over here, brother.
And you're like, oh God, come on.
I always tell my daughter I willhelp you with college but I will
not pay for a degree that is like.
Dumb. Dumb.
Yeah. Like go for something that makes
money or just go make money. Now to be fair to defend for oh,

(51:54):
go ahead, you weren't done. I am done.
If you go, 'cause you're like, I'm learning how to be an
artist. I'm going to be like, listen,
pal. I will, but I will say this like
if you are not family centered and you're not thinking, hey,
I'm about to start a family and you're like, dude, I want to be
a photographer for National Geographic and travel great.
Like I'm all I'm all for you doing what you want, but if.

(52:16):
You ship them off to Chad or Nigeria.
You're if you're go, yeah, the the liberal arts degrees are a
little worrisome. I mean, I just joke because it's
like so many people I know went into like bajillions of dollars
worth of debt and make no money.And I'm like, yeah, it's no way
to start a life. Don't be a truck driver, boy.

(52:37):
Or oh, I put or as a sub point on here, you just say I don't
know, I'm just taking a year or two to figure things out.
Yeah, yeah. We'll figure this out.
Figure this black guy out, Sorry.
Figure out directions home pal. All right, my next one would be
and I just picture, you know, the bike Ting Ting.
Yeah, this little bell. If you own a moped and you don't

(52:59):
live in a city called Key West and you come to pick my daughter
up on a moped and you don't livein Paris, Perry.
Perry, oh Perry. I, I, you can't date my
daughter. No, you're she's not riding on
the back of that hog, I'll tell you that right now.
Little pulled up in a scooter. I remember when I was dating a
girl when I was in college, her parents were nervous, and

(53:22):
rightfully so, because I bought a Jeep Wrangler for the summer.
That's how good of parents they are.
But they roll easily. That's why they have those roll
bars. Yeah.
And they were like, it's a bad joke.
They were like, please drive carefully.
Yeah, they weren't mean about it, but they were like, just
know that the roll bars exist because of that.
Yeah, yeah, no, that's true. That would be worrisome.
And that's something I, I didn'tthink about.

(53:43):
Nobody's ever showed up with a Jeep Wrangler to pick my
daughter up because I like Jeeps.
But if somebody came to pick my daughter up with that, I'd be
like, oh shit. Whatever.
So if he picks up on an electric10 speed with a helmet on and he
has a helmet hanging off one of the handlebars.
Honestly, eat it. Honestly though, I, you know
you, we joke around, but the nerdy you you are, the more I'm
probably going to like you. That's why I love my middle

(54:06):
daughter's boy. I actually like my old.
I love both of my daughter's boyfriends, but my middle
daughter's boyfriend is a reallycool kid who doesn't know he's a
cool kid and he's very nerdy. He's the best.
He has no idea. Like dude, you look like you
should be in High School Musicalor something and he has no ID.
He's such a nerd. He has no idea.
So we could just get that one out of the way because I think
at least one of them from what Isaw from the pictures, if not

(54:27):
both, and this isn't a real reason, but the llama haircut,
I'm gonna I'm gonna have a tough.
Time with that cabbage they. All got the cabbage haircut,
little curly salad. It's going.
It's gonna be going away in a couple of years.
Yeah. It won't last forever.
Patrick Mahomes can't play football forever.
No, it'll go away. My next one would be If you're
Snobby, if you're pretentious, if you're uppity.

(54:49):
Because here's the thing, in theCrane household, we often buy
hot and readies and nights we'retoo busy to cook, we will pick
up something cheap and on my list quite frequently.
So if you're like, oh, we only eat Jet's pizza, you ain't gonna
make. It if you pull up in your
parents Range Rover yeah it's not going so the way I worded it

(55:09):
I said I said both under the spectrum.
I don't want no poor ass kids come to pick up my.
Dog no, I'm just. No.
Being keep them Section 8 kids out of my house.
But I said even worse is when you're young and rich.
Oh yeah. You just don't know you.
They're just you're just raised differently.
If you're putting a gun to my head, I I'm taking too poor

(55:30):
versus too rich for a character of kid, absolutely 100% of the
time I'm taking not enough moneyversus way too much.
Now later in. Life now, later in life.
Our daughter's getting close to 30 years.
Old the law firm. I mean, it's a rich guy.
Go for it. The guy builds casinos and
hotels. You're rich 'cause you make your
own money? Good.

(55:51):
You're rich 'cause your mom and dad are rich.
Beat it. Beat it?
Yeah, Agree. How about this one?
I just listed it as you don't know how to turn on a lawn
mower. Like you don't have to be able
to build a house to date my daughter, but you have to be
able to like you have to be a little bit.
Somewhat handy. I just have to be a dude, man.
Like I don't think my daughter would be attracted to someone

(56:11):
that's too much of a pretty boy that doesn't know how to cut
someone's grass. You should have ever worked a
job you. Should have seen, you know.
How many kids don't have jobs? A lot.
All of them. A lot.
Yeah, yeah, it it's insane. I'm going to piggyback off that
one. I'm going to, I'm going to veer
away. Speaking of jobs, both of my
daughters have jobs. Both of my daughters for their

(56:33):
age make way more money than they should have, or I certainly
did at their age. But that middle daughter of
mine? I was selling my body.
Already, if you if you do not have wealthy parents or a very
considerable allowance, you ain't going to cut it.
My daughter has an affinity for Starbucks.
Yeah, she does. She she.
There's nothing she's more repulsed by than actually cooked

(56:57):
food in a kitchen. Really.
Like, if you make dinner, you can make.
We're having New York strip. We're having baked potatoes and
doesn't want it. Date night Chick-fil-A chicken
sandwich she's in. If you cringe at the If you
cringe at the cost of a latte, yeah, you're not for.
You're not prepared to buy my daughter Chipotle, and she makes

(57:17):
good money. See, if you're not the bear to
bear Chipotle and a strawberry refresher from Starbucks every
day, you ain't gonna cut it. Oh.
My God, you gotta get her off that stuff Pun.
Dude, I can't, I tried my oldestdaughter is 'cause.
She pays for it herself. Now, well, that it.
Yeah, Well, also spend so much if you look at, if you look at

(57:39):
my Venmo, maybe she ain't payingfor it.
I do sometimes hurt your Venmo to your kids.
But it was, oh, my, my oldest daughter is the model of
responsibility. She is the model of maturity.
And my middle daughter takes quite a bit after me.
Yeah, she's a little wild and a little reckless.

(57:59):
She's like, hey, listen, I I I got the summer free until
college. I got a good job.
I don't really have any bills. Why would I cook?
Why would I cook? I say.
Here I said something similar. I said if I happen to overhear a
discussion, you and my daughter are discussing where to eat and
you say something like I don't actually like pizza.
Oh, beat it, kid. God, you freak.

(58:20):
Yeah, that would break my heart.Is that something that I always
used to think about is what do you order on?
There's like, you know, men and women have like foods that are
OK to order on 1st dates. Did you ever think about this
when you were dating? No.
So you're just always yourself. I was just always myself.
Yeah, I just I've. Said there's a. 20 piece garlic
parm wings tall, beer tall. One very tall big one.

(58:42):
Do you got any of those funnels that have?
You heard her talk, the big one.Yeah, dude, I, I mean, Steph
said you should always avoid onions on a first date.
Oh really? She.
Said that girls often will. Order she kissing on her first
date. Oh.
I'm saying man. I'm talking.
About she said that girls often order salads because it's like
more of a like feminine petite. Yeah, they do, They do.

(59:03):
Which is weird to me 'cause the chicken.
Rolls up and orders a burger with sauteed mushrooms and
onions on it. You're like, oh, this chick's
awesome. Dude, one of Lauren and I's
first dates I ordered. Well, I guess this wasn't really
a fruit. Well, all right, so we were
still relatively new. A month or two in, we went to
Wheat and Ride to grab a couple cocktails.
I ordered the 1 LB burger just to flex my manhood.

(59:24):
Oh yeah, she ordered a 3 LB burger.
She ordered either a half pound or a three quarter pound burger
and I watched her physically will herself into eating because
I chastised her out. There's no way you're eating all
that. You're just doing that to seem
cool like me. She she had like 4 onion rings

(59:46):
left and I could like she's about to she was.
Sweating dude. She willed herself.
I was like, I'm buying you a ring.
You know what she did when you dropped her off at home later
that night? She threw up.
She fired her. Pants to hold herself off in the
side yard. I, I was, I'm telling you, I.
Threw up and farted. I watched that woman eat a half
pound burger in an entire order of onion rings and I was like I

(01:00:08):
I think this is the womb. You know what Steph ordered on
our second date? Another salad.
I think manners are a big one. Manners are a huge one.
Do you? Do you?
Do your daughter's boyfriends call you Mr. Crane?
It started off that way. I like to veer away from that,
but what I do want, I don't need.

(01:00:29):
I think it's important it is notveer away.
I, I, I want to veer away once we've established the respect
and the way they carry themselves and they're not
overly comfortable around me. You, you can call me Chris or
Mr. Crane or whatever you want to call me once we establish I'm

(01:00:49):
allowing you to do that. But as your manners want you to
do that and you don't get overlycomfortable, So you have to at
least give me the appearance of like, hey, I know you're not
like a perfect human being, but you still have to pretend in the
presence of your. Girl, so if he called you bra on
the queues he'd be toddled overboard.
If he called me, if he called meBra on the cruise, yeah, Disney

(01:01:11):
wouldn't have stopped fast enough.
Howler is that right off the 4thfloor, dude.
I still, not often, but if I runinto a girl that I dated before
I was married, I would still call them Mr. so and so.
Like still to this very day. Like I don't just switch that
off. I don't.
Know I am big on I like the subtleties of respect you there

(01:01:32):
are a lot of ways like you can pretend to be respectful, but
you don't make eye contact with the person you interrupt them,
you're rude. Like there's a lot of things.
So as long as I know that, that a step that and also you can can
recognize that I can murder you at any moment.
I could choke you with my bare hands.
As long as that is established, we're fine.

(01:01:53):
You can we can relax it a littlebit.
You can be funny, but I'll piggyback sort of off that and
I'll say if you're overly timid and.
Yeah, no eye contact. No eye contact, but the reason
is because. Like wearing a tether.
You don't, you don't have to be like an MMA trained fighter and

(01:02:15):
you don't even have to really beable to fight that well.
But what I want to know is like,you'll let you.
You better at least die for my like, I want you to die trying
to protect my daughter, honor her.
Health. And they're like maybe a real
situation, especially if you're going to a Tigers game or you're
going to a Pistons game where you're downtown Detroit, where

(01:02:37):
somebody may grab my daughter. And doesn't mean you have to be
the toughest guy on earth. This is a great one.
You have got to be able to bear hug this guy long enough for her
to get away. Hell yeah, let her get away.
You handle your business and lether run.
I expect it to be like the movieDumb and Dumber where he rips
the guy's heart out and puts it in doggy bag.

(01:02:57):
Yeah, you don't listen. I I would prefer if you can
handle yourself. You play sports, football,
wrestling, something to where I know you can handle yourself.
But the intent is fine with me if I at least know you're the
kind of guy that, like you, willpush her out of the way.
Yeah, I that's a great one, dude.
How about this one? How about I only have a few more
left? How about, oh, I put I started

(01:03:21):
going barbed wire tattoo and you're too old for my daughter.
If you have a career of 401K, you're too old.
If you got kanji on your neck, you're too ghetto for my
daughter. Like Asian writing on your neck.
You're not dating my daughter. You're too old for her.
Yeah, face tattoo. Don't even bother entering the
property line. The face tats.

(01:03:43):
Have you ever seen that? Is this still going on?
No, I was so my daughters. Also, I think it's very
important about how you raise your daughter.
Now. Sometimes you're going to get
rebellious actions, but like if you're present in your
daughter's life, she's probably not going to bring home dudes
with face tattoos. She's probably going to go for a
better qual. I've never now.
Not saying they haven't dated knuckleheads or head crushes on,

(01:04:05):
but no one who's like this is this guy, remember?
What if they show up wearing mullet and some Oakleys and
they're like Kenny Powers? It would it would truly depend
on what I if she was like, hey, he's sings in the he's in the
band, he's got all A's. He plays football.
He's actually a great kid. I might be like this, kids.
Hilarious. It's awesome.

(01:04:26):
You want to hang out, play guitar, Come, let's go jam
buddy, you got my last one wouldbe and this goes solely to my
oldest daughter who is the modelof maturity.
She is if you could type up a child on a computer program, she
would be it. She's so great.
So so are all my children. But the oldest is the most

(01:04:48):
responsible. Her rule in deal breaker would
be if you've ever liked another girl, looked at another girl,
kissed another girl, had a crushon another girl, dated another
girl, she has very strict boundaries.
She might not make game over, might not make the cover.
She is very like she is going tobe definitely the one that
starts a family and maybe a big family.

(01:05:08):
She she wants to be a mom when she's done with college and like
I know her getting married is probably going to happen so
she's. Just looking for a dude that's
more responsible. She wants a responsible man.
She hates the player and the game does.
Not she she wants to like take long walks on the beach.
Good for her and like talk aboutour kids names She.

(01:05:29):
Doesn't like scumbags like her dad.
Is no, she doesn't want her dad.No, no, you know how they say
like, oh, usually you fall in love with a man like you're
dead. Well, not the 18 year old
version of me, because she wouldhave threw my ass out, right?
Out I mean that's actually like makes your job as a dad easier
as a she's like an old soul man.We just want such good kids for
our daughters and some and our sons.

(01:05:51):
How about this one? How about?
Jackson, you figured out boy. Oh so my daughter is in Alabama
for a baseball tournament for her boyfriend with his family
and and him obviously. So she sent back like a really
beautiful picture of the water and their hotel balcony.
This is your middle. Child.
My middle child who just graduated high school and she

(01:06:12):
sent like a beautiful picture and my son said, oh, that
picture is mine now. And I go, hey man, don't be
putting that on your little story.
Pretend lying to all these girlsacting like I own a condo and
it's a cola. So take me back, Hashtag take me
back, yeah. He goes, oh, that's my picture
now. But hey man, don't be lying to
these little girls. Now put that on here.

(01:06:33):
If you if you make a TikTok or aSnapchat in my front hallway
ever, I'm kicking you right out of the front porch, dude.
Yeah, my son is a mess. I don't think it's a
requirement, but I I hope that my daughter dates someone that I
get along with really well. That's why I put the thing about
Ohio State and the Packers. I want a kid that's like
cultured and funny. Like if he comes in the high,

(01:06:53):
there's a high typed I said, if you if we start talking about
Adam Sandler and you start cracking up and say his funniest
movie is Hubie Halloween. Oh my.
But you've never heard of Billy Madison?
Beat it. So sad.
Yeah, yeah, the humor is a big thing.
That's why like you see the cardboard cut out at my
daughters graduation party of her boyfriend.
So for those who probably everybody doesn't know, my

(01:07:15):
daughter has like a six foot tall cardboard cut out of her
boyfriend. Not in a weird way, in a funny
way. She made a joke about something
and for Christmas one of the gifts he bought or was a a giant
cardboard cut out of itself in the funny in the funniest way.
Not not it was I laughed hard. So anywhere he can attend

(01:07:38):
because of a sporting event, shealways brings the cardboard cut
out like sitting next to her. It is.
So his sense of humor is huge tome.
All right, get into our goodbyessection.
Goodbye, my love. We did pick up two additional
countries. We had these last time, but I
had to cut them out because Pauland I were way over.
We picked up, we got listeners, Serbia.

(01:08:01):
Dang. And my last name, Baylog is
Hungarian. We got hungry.
We got listeners in Hungary. Which is there a better name of
a country than Hungry? No, other than maybe the
Bangladesh that we picked up. Last but also it's it's also
spelled not like hey, I'm hungry.
It's spelled like Hungary. It's like hung.
I'm Hungary, So stupid, so dumb.I will say last thing I'll say

(01:08:27):
is I blame, you know, I blame for my Sunday funday, Donald
Trump. No, well, Condoleezza rats, no
U.S. Open week.
I saw a tweet, it said did you know if this is from when the US
Open was in? There was a bunch of golf stuff
I was looking at. Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin
wouldn't play a round of golf and less cocktails were served.

(01:08:49):
That's smart. So the Old Desert Inn in Las
Vegas would stock a cart with drinks just to support their
golf round. He's the cart girl.
And the rest is history. They.
Invented. Invented the cart girl.
Oh my. So anybody who's ever had a
hangover on a golf course, you can thank Frank Sinatra and Dean
Martin for the. Invention of Imagine having more

(01:09:11):
like Frank. Frank Sinatra's lore is
insanity. He'd be like I wrote New York,
NY. But also, you know the cart
girl. No, I was the first one did that
ever. To think of that isn't that
amazing. Dude, that's like as close to
inventing pizza as you could get.
Frank's big timing, dude. Damn, that's awesome.

(01:09:32):
Isn't that badass? That's so cool, I invented the
cart girl. All right, Paul, what are we
doing next week? I thought of what I think is a
good one. We should do a draft at some
point. You say this everyone, I I clip
this out, damn draft Pon just wants to come out here and talk
about food. Everywhere.
All all the things. Like all right, favorite style
of pasta, You go with the rotini.

(01:09:53):
Let's do draft best ways spaghettis prepared.
I said Pon, we should do the rules that we hated as kids.
Yeah, which I think will be thatthat one will stir up a lot of
funny. I mean, The thing is, is like,
who thought of like, you can't eat the entire box of Swiss, you
know what I'm saying? Like, OK Mom, yeah, I know I
could have one pack after dinneronce.

(01:10:15):
The entire box of Swiss. Why?
Do Swiss rolls like 6 weeks? I got to respond the way you did
to my momma's meatloaf last week.
Hell yeah. Yeah.
Alright, so next week we are doing the rules we need to.
Dress yes, kids. Make sure to like and five star
the podcast. Do you know what we should do?
As remember I said I was going to do that back when I was on

(01:10:36):
shape. I said I was going to do that
banana split challenge in Saint Clair Shores.
Oh yeah, Mike Crans was always like, dude, Pun is not doing the
the banana split thing and then he just gave up on you.
Yeah, I know. Well, the because the plan
crans, if you remember, was after the pub crawl.
But I was annihilated. And I could not.

(01:10:59):
Oh my God I forgot. That was the dumbest thing I've
ever heard of. You even told me you were like
this is. So dumb.
Try to eat and. I go, no, that's what I'm gonna
be the most hungry. Although I do crave sugar when
I'm hungover. Sugar and salt.
But waking up that next morning with that Lumi going, I got a 6
LB banana spoon. When?
You don't even want to get off the couch.
It's impossible dude. No, no, no.

(01:11:19):
No, why do you think I crave pizza when I'm hungover?
Because it's salty and they deliver it to the house.
Yeah, You know, that would be really cool if you could add an
extra tip where you were like, hey, it is OK if you walk in my
house, I'm on the couch. Can you hand it to me?
I'm on the couch hungover. Hey, bring paper towel, a cup
and a two liter and set it rightin front.
As long as you don't fat shame me in my boxer brief, just bring

(01:11:41):
it right out through the front door.
Dude that would be awesome. That is fun.
That's the second episode in a row you had a great invention to
end during. Goodbyes.
I'm basically a billionaire justwaiting to make it happen.
All right, fun. That's all.
I got what you got. That's it for me.
Dog Boost.

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Ep.75 - The Reasons you Can't Date our Daughters!!!

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep.75 - The Reasons you Can't Date our Daughters!!!