Ep.57 - The Purchases we Have a Love/Hate Relationship With - Conversational Humor - An Improv Comedy Hour

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I freaking love our podcast. I'm so hungry right now.
I assumed his name was Darth Virgin.
Come on, you're talking dirty tome right now.
She's like, what do you got in your mouth?
And I got a fruit by the foot hanging halfway down to my life.
I like to eat my calories, not drink them.

(00:24):
All right, hello, hello, and welcome back to episode 57 of
Conversation Humor with Pawn andBallrog.
This is Dan across from me. Hello all.
Dan, Dan, hey, moving on up, he said.
Yeah, you're moving on up M2 now.
Hi, I'm M2, nice to meet you guys.
I told Dan I was like let's record again this weekend and
he's like yeah I'm I'm down. And I was like but I can't find

(00:46):
a mic 3 And he was like ballrog I got this.
So Dan said give me a mic 2. Give me a seat 2 Yes.
How does it feel to be pun? Pretty good actually.
Pretty good that's. Nice over here.
Today is Friday, November, the first of Oh no, that's when we
were supposed to record. Today is Saturday, November the
2nd of 2024. Today we're going to be talking

(01:07):
about the purchases that we loveand hate.
And Dan and I just thought of this just through text like 2
days ago. So we put together, well, I
don't know what you put together, Dan.
I know I'm assuming it'll be a long drawn out quiet story.
I've been working on that as well, yeah.
Talking to yourself in the mirror Quick and.
Precise to the point. Be sure to click subscribe in

(01:30):
the notification bell and leave us a five star rating.
You can find us everywhere that you find podcasts.
Since we're not famous, it's probably the same people
listening over and over. So they're like, I don't know
why Bollocks says that every week.
We appreciate it. Yeah, make sure if you leave a
review on Apple Podcasts, we will read it on the air.
Or you can leave a Spotify comment or I'm still waiting.
I haven't checked actually to see if anybody left us a

(01:51):
voicemail on the Spotify page. Like go to hell, you forgot this
great school memory. Happy belated Halloween.
Yes, thank you. I just said to Dan downstairs,
my son got a boatload of candy. I have not eaten a single piece
of candy from his candy. And I just said today is
November the 2nd. Yeah, and there is a lot of

(02:12):
candy. There's a lot of there were.
I had a little beer buzz last night after a pizza date, and
there was an Airheads taffy and a Reese cup calling my name.
But I had written in the show doc that I hadn't eaten a piece
of candy yet. So it actually kept me away from
the candy because I said I'm feeling like we might go viral
soon. And I'm waiting for that casting
call from HBO. Got to get the old body back in

(02:33):
shape. Yeah, I was.
I was eating it as I was passingit out.
Right Reese's for you. My son downstairs just goes hey
dad, if you eat 3 Musketeers anda Kit Kat at the same time, it
tastes like a Twix. And I was like I love you so
much. What a pioneer he.
Is he's brilliant. Now, are you curious about?
You're curious about that, aren't you?

(02:54):
Yes, yeah, I'll be going throughours.
You're a new listener. Please check us out on
Instagram. Conversational humor under score
W Pumball. Although I haven't been making
reels our our social media is just falling into the dumps, the
pits of despair. I'm not even shouting it out.
And if you haven't already listened, go back and check out
our grade school memories. What was your favorite part last
week, Dan? The Fifth Third Bank 1 was

(03:15):
pretty damn funny. Yeah, that was fifth.
Third Bank was great improv. Yeah, that was really good.
My I put on here, I I had to patmy own back.
I like the Popples talk. Boxing with Popples.
Yeah, that was. Funny, I was also picturing me
just pummelling my childhood best friend with a popple on my
hand. And then Dan and I had quite the
aftermath. Dan was.
We started cocktailing watching the Lions game.

(03:36):
Yeah, things got a little out of.
Control forgot to eat. We forgot to Well, Steph brought
us home McDonald's. That's.
True Savior. Which I believe gave me the E
coli 'cause I was in rough shape.
I visited Dan's store. Those episodes brought to you
guys by Party Adventure. I was in, I told you I was going
to run out of there at some point.
I go back across the street to Hop Copper Hop to say hi to the

(03:58):
wife and the in laws and they start making fun of me 'cause I
had a flu shot that morning. Is there flu in the flu shot?
I think so like just a little bit.
Dead or something or what? Yeah, I'm not exactly sure how
it works, but I think it. I got it.
I'm driving home and I'm on 94 and all of a sudden I'm like, I
don't feel too good. And telling your wife as you
know you're happily married, that you don't feel good is like

(04:19):
a no no. You cannot do.
That so I told Steph I was like,I'm not feeling too hot.
She's like here we go. So I leave you guys at party
venture go across the copper hopwhere the group is and all of
the older ladies there look at me and they go, how you feeling
with the flu shot Fluey? I was like, oh, you woman.

(04:39):
And I swear to you, all of a sudden it hit me.
I was like, it was like black magic.
As soon as they said it, I like started to shiver.
I was freezing. I just laughed.
I grabbed my son. I was like, we got to get the
hell out of here. Yeah, Was it only one day?
It was like overnight, yeah. I was like sweating through the
bed sheets. I was like, was there a little
COVID booster inside of that flushot?
You guys are sneaking me or what?

(05:02):
You know our appetizer section, we went trick or treating with
the next door neighbors and one of their sons had on a Cobra Kai
shirt and like the skeleton facepaint like in Karate Kid Part 1.
And I was like, that's the best costume I've seen so far today.
So I asked Dan, did you see any good costumes or any good ones
on social? I saw some funny ones on
socials. Did you see this one?
Someone dressed their dog up as Snoop Dogg, and it actually

(05:24):
looks like Snoop Dogg. Like tell me that dog a dog
looks like Snoop. I was like, wow, that might, I'm
gonna, I'm gonna have to post a picture of it on our social
media page. I saw a picture of, of Ron
Artest's son. Ron Artest was the basketball
player for the Indiana Pacers that was involved in the Malice
at the Palace. And his son dressed up as his

(05:46):
dad with an artist jersey on with a neck like torn out.
I was like, from like being getting cripped up.
I was like, dude, talk about trolling your dad.
If you were going to dress up asyour dad, what would you wear?
Probably jogging pants, A collared shirt.
A white New Balance, Yes. Yeah, that's that's that's his
go to if. I was going as Marty Mart.
I'd go with the, we used to jokewith him when he was young.

(06:08):
He'd cut the grass in like this pair of cut off Jean shorts.
And I was like every time mom washes those Jean shorts, they
get a little bit higher. So I would definitely go with
the nutters and the grass green white shoes, the grass green
Nikes. I saw a couple's, Oh, I saw
Kevin Hart dressed up as Tyrion Lannister.

(06:28):
Touché I saw old, This is probably old.
I saw a couple's costume of Randy Johnson, the retired
pitcher and his wife was a bloody pigeon.
I was like. Oh man.
Dude, from when Randy Johnson hit the bird with the baseball,
I was like damn. I don't know if it was this
year, but I seen one of Dan Campbell and I what I assumed to

(06:49):
believe his wife was dressed as Kid Rock and Pam Anderson.
So he's probably a while ago. Yeah.
But yeah, it was. Oh I just saw that one too and
he actually looks like Kid Rock.A much buffer kid.
Rock much bigger, but. Pun him and his girlfriend
Lauren went as Scotty Scheffler and a police officer touché.
Yeah, that's a. Good one.
And I what I told him was it because I was seeing the the

(07:10):
costume online of the guy from the Olympics who caught his
schlong on the pole vaulting pole.
I was like, dude pun, you shouldbe the pole vaulter stuff like 9
socks down there and just make her be the pole.
She goes as the pole. I was like, you guys would win
Halloween every time you take a couple's pictures.
She just like leans over I the week before Halloween.

(07:34):
This is how I know I'm fat Dan. I was walking into basketball,
Sacred Heart hoops, and they must have had Halloween day at
the school the day before and there's a single Kit Kat on the
ground. It's 6:45 in the morning, it's
still dark. You're.
Salivating. I see this Kit Kat by the glow
of the flood lamps and I was like, I mean, it's it looks

(07:55):
fully wrapped it. Looks smashed.
I don't think anybody would haveinjected this thing with poison
and then just dropped it haphazardly in this parking lot,
right? No.
Yeah, you're not going to waste drugs like that.
Right. Those are ours.
I did not eat the Kit Kat. But I really sat there for a
second, just stared at it. And I was like, what kind of a
fat guy move would this be? Picking up a candy bar out of a

(08:16):
parking lot? You weren't even involved in the
event. You didn't see it fall.
Stepped on it hasn't looked likeit's been messed with a squirrel
yet. You didn't see it fall?
Last thing I got here is I'm pretty sure Steph's trying to
leave me. Oh, geez, yeah, it's not very
funny. You've listened to podcast.
I've talked about how much wallpaper I scraped.
Yes, this room had blue flowers in it, like ceiling the floor.

(08:40):
Oh my goodness. I had to scrape all the blue
flowers. It's scraping Wallpapers.
Horrible. I come home the other it's it's
like the worst job. Shout out Kyle.
He's the only person that actually offered to help me.
Although like two hours ago he did blast me across the head of
basketball. So take that shout out, shout
out back. Can't move my neck to the right
stuff. I come home the other day and
there is there's wallpaper samples on our did you see them

(09:02):
in the hallway? I'm like, what are these?
What are these? And she's like, I'm going to put
the peel and stick wallpaper in the on this.
And I was like, I don't understand what's happening
right now. I thought I was getting punked.
So I'm looking around because this wallpaper has a has a tiger
and a Peacock on it. I'm like, is this real life?
Are we? Is she going to put it over the

(09:24):
other wallpaper or? I don't know what her plan is.
I want I want nothing to do withher plan.
No way, She said. It's peel and stick.
I did ask her. I said, do am I supposed to
scrape the wallpaper first? She's like, yeah, you get the
wallpaper off there. And I was like, you want me to
scrape wallpaper? To put more on.
So put more wallpaper on. She's counterproductive.
She and I had a tiff. I, you know what I did?

(09:46):
I I just gave the old the dad line.
I was like, you know what, fine,I'll help.
But if you ever get sick of thattiger and Peacock wallpaper,
we're selling the house. I'm not taking it down.
We're just selling the house to someone who's a who's a big What
was that Tiger show on Netflix? Oh yeah, the Tiger King, the.
Tiger King Some Tiger King fan can buy this house, yes?

(10:09):
Yeah, the wallpaper. I do not like wallpaper, but the
peel and stick some of it is pretty cool.
Though I got it. She said it's back in fashion.
I trust her. She's she knows what she's doing
with interior decorating. I don't know how she knows what
she's doing, but everything thatI think is going to be dumb, I'm
like, oh, that looks pretty good.
She goes estate saling. She was at an estate sale before
you got here and she just like comes home with like, she's
like, I bought these two chairs.They're for the dining room.

(10:31):
I'm like, what about the two chairs we have in the dining
room? She's like, oh, we're getting
rid of those now, all right? And then I look over there, it's
just a statue of a naked guy holding a bowl of grapes, like
fake grapes. And I'm like, oh, my God.
Losing control of this household, Getting into our
errors and omission section. Did we leave any of yours out
the other day? I don't think so.

(10:52):
You've read them all. Pretty sure I read them all.
I loved it that you were like taking forever to get them out
and then it turned into like a running joke.
Sean was like, bring out the Brandy snifter.
Mike Krantz texted me and said, what about snow days when you're
in school? Yeah, snow days were just
golden. They were.
I went to a Catholic school so they it took a lot to end end
school. Like I remember we would like

(11:14):
sometimes drive there and there were no nuns bringing kids in.
So we were like, oh, nice, guesswe're going home to watch
prices, right? Yeah, we were.
Well, Warren Khan. I went to Warren Khan and it
was, we were always one of the, I think it was we were the
bigger school districts, so a lot of the people would follow
us. But man, they never closed.
But when they did. I I feel like schools didn't
close nearly as I mean now. Jeez, they closed for cold

(11:36):
weather. I know.
And I'm like. The night before.
The night before, I'm like, I think it's just that teachers
are drunks. No one admits it.
And they just closed school the night before because they're
like, dude, I can just get into the wine now.
You know, I know teachers are drunks because Sean, when he
first started teaching, he wouldhave me meet.

(11:58):
I would like sneak out of work sometimes.
I'd meet him and his teacher group at this place.
I have to think of the name of it.
It was like an old Irish bar offlike Southfield Freeway in the
hood, the Tipperary Pub. And it closed.
And I'd get there and they'd be like the bartender was like, oh,
you want the happy hour specials?
And he's like, it's good till 5.And I was like, so this is every
time I've ever been to a happy hour where they're like the

(12:19):
happy hour specials are from 3:00 to 5:00.
And I'm like, who's this for? It's for the teachers.
It's for the teachers that put up with your brat children all
day long and they just roll out of there getting a beer.
Yeah. Well, you need to, yeah.
And and you're not allowed to bea teacher on social media with
booze in like a picture. And I'm like, can we stop this
charade? Can we just?

(12:40):
Stop this, they're far from perfect.
Yeah, I mean, how can we stop keeping teachers?
Teachers are wonderful humans, but can we stop acting like
they're not normal people? Right.
They're just underpaid. They're under, yeah, they're
underpaid. They deserve social workers.
They deserve a beer after work. Oh my God, I I also didn't
mention I want I had on mine Oregon Trail.

(13:02):
Oh yeah. I mean, when you walked in a
computer class and all the screens were on the home screen
for Oregon Trail, I was like, today's going to be a good day.
I'm not going down with some Terry, whatever.
That's where the. Dysent, Terry.
Excuse me? Yeah.
Grandma died somewhere near Arkansas.
I'm forging everything. Has anyone ever made it all the
way through? I don't.
Even know what the ending looks like.

(13:23):
I don't either. Yeah, I'm going to Google image
the ending of Oregon Trail to see what it looks like.
Because I liked hunting, I wouldrun a bullet.
So funny, said that I was such ahunter I would blow all my cash
early on the way out of the general store.
It was some of them sugar candies.
End up hunting in the middle of Oklahoma, dying.

(13:45):
How about the I? I have just had like two other
things. I had principal's office.
Yep. Did you get sent there?
You said you were kind of a bookbookworm and a smart kid.
Yeah, no, I didn't get. I got ice a couple times.
It was terrifying, Yeah. When your teacher was like, go
to the principal's office, I waslike, oh, shit, I'm dead.
Like, I'm dead. I'm.

(14:06):
I just feel like, how did I let this get this far?
What did you do? It was so scary.
I don't know. We just talked.
Oh, my best friend Mikey, he didn't care about grades.
And I was like, I already understood the math that you
taught me yesterday that you're reteaching today.
Yeah. Let's just chitchat back here.
Did you ever get a detention? I've had one detention.
Your whole life. Whole life.

(14:27):
And it was in freaking high school.
Wow, Yeah. What a nerd.
Yeah. What'd you get it for?
Being late three times, it was the first hour class.
So you didn't even do anything cool?
Nothing. Wow.
Yeah. And I wasn't even.
I was there. I wasn't in my seat.
I was in the room. No way.
Yeah. Miss Venelike.
I hate her. Your dad should.
Your dad should have come in hisjogging pants and just took that

(14:49):
teacher out. That's unbelievable.
You only had one detention. We used to get them for dumb
reasons at Catholic school like.Shirts untucked.
Oh yeah, I guess. You know what I I think I got
that wasn't my only after schoolone.
The worst ones were like in elementary or middle.
Like you couldn't go out for recess.
Like you had a recess detention and you had to help the janitor?
It was always at recess. Yeah, ours were after school.

(15:11):
Yeah, I've only that was 1 I had.
My mom would want to murder me because we were.
Like throws everything. Off.
Yeah, she had three other kids here.
She's waiting for Andy to come clap erasers out in the parking
lot. Yeah, no detention, but I wrote
plenty of sentences. Did you ever have to do that?
No. Well, maybe I was real.
Talk when the teacher's talking like 50 times.
We would clap erasers and wash chalkboards.

(15:33):
Oh yeah, that's brutal. The nuns, I had nuns growing up,
like they would just fire an eraser at you.
You'd be talking in class and they just gun an eraser right at
you. Those nuns had some good rotator
cuffs. Could they smack you?
Yeah, I think they did with the rulers, but that kind of
stopped. I think one of the nuns, like
when I was in a young ages, likegot physical with a kid, maybe

(15:54):
slapped him in a quick chokehold.
The old full Nelson, she got in trouble and then that kind of
slowed down a little bit. I got my first attention in the
3rd grade, man, third grade. No way.
I go we we had like not many specials.
I go down to music class, which was like in the basement of the
rectory. It's like this big open space

(16:15):
and it was cold and it was tile floor.
So the teacher was like, it was the first day of music class.
I'm like this innocent little third grader and she's like,
here, everyone gets a carpet rectangle to sit on.
They like cut sections of these carpets.
And this teacher's like, you have to sit, though.
Nobody's allowed to slide acrossthe floor on your carpet.
And I was like, well, I hadn't thought of that previously.

(16:36):
I was like, I feel like she's complicit in my detention
because what did young Ball Rob do?
But I backed all the way up to acorner.
I was like smart enough to know that the diagonal was a longer
runway. Dude.
I took off running across the music.
Like, as soon as she said you'renot allowed to do it, I was
like, already sprinting across the floor.
Dude. I took out this girl's legs.

(16:57):
Her name's Stephanie Patak. My apologies.
And she landed on top of me. Next thing I know, I'm getting
lifted up by the music teacher by one arm.
I got attention. I cried in front of the whole
class. It was so bad, but I was like,
how you going to tell me something that sounds awesome?
It's like DARE. It's like a DARE program.
How you going to tell me this and not let me do it?
All right, get into our sports section.

(17:21):
The Dodgers won the World Series.
Did you see that play? The Yankees, they were up five
to nothing. Let's get this out of the way.
I don't feel bad for Yankees fans.
But when you're up five to nothing, at least it wasn't a
Game 7. They're up five, nothing with
two out, and the pitcher doesn'tcover the bag.
I know when Judge. Drops of All Star How do you

(17:42):
lose a game in the World Series up?
Five. It was epic.
Like an epic, epic collapse. Maybe it was karma for that guy
in the outfield that tried to take.
Did you see that kid trying to take the ball out of Mookie
Betts glove? Did you they made a statue of
him? I don't think I've ever seen
anything like that before. Has there ever been a crazier
thing that ever happened in sports than the malice at the

(18:03):
palace? Not I mean minus I can remember,
but I didn't see him live like hockey fights going into the
like. Into the stands, yeah.
Maybe minor league stuff like slap shot.
No like like I think like Ty Domy grabbed a guy.
Oh really? Dragged him.
Ty Domy was crazy. Maple Leafs.
He was a nut. Job but I've seen it like on
YouTube but live. That was one of those things

(18:24):
that when I saw it, I was like, there's no way this is
happening, right? Now, right?
I mean, you're swinging. When I put the Ron Artest thing
in the show doc, I was like, I'mgonna ask Dan if there's
anything crazier that's ever, ever happened in sports.
And the reason I say there's notis 'cause it was like the 9/11
of people know where they were the day that the malice of the
palace happened. If you bring that up to
somebody, they'll be like, dude,I was, and they'll start telling

(18:46):
you where they were. Yeah, I know it it was.
It was the craziest thing that'sever happened in sports.
It has to be all I ever say. Also when I see the anniversary
of it is Jermaine O'Neill is lucky.
Maybe. I think it was Jermaine O'Neill
might have been Steven Jackson. He ran across the floor to
coldcock somebody that wasn't looking like just a human.
Like when you put human next to athlete, then you're like, oh,
those guys are huge. And he had a running start and

(19:09):
was going to punch this guy, noteven paying attention in the
face. And he slipped on some beer and,
like, missed or, like half hit him.
That guy would have died. And Jermaine O'Neill would have
went to jail for manslaughter. He would have killed him.
He's like, 7 feet tall. Yeah.
With a full head of. Yeah, with a full head of steam,
you would kill somebody like fractured skull.
That was the craziest thing. I was working as an intern and

(19:31):
there's this little Vietnamese intern next to me in the cubicle
and he comes to me the next day.He's like, Andy, I was at Palace
last night, man, and I'm sorry. That was a horrible Vietnamese
impersonation. I'll probably get cancelled for
that. He he, if you watch it slowly,
Ron Artest runs up into the stands, grabs a little Asian kid
and shoves him out of the way. That was the kid that said
actually at work. I was like, you got tossed by

(19:53):
Ron Artest. He's got, it was like the old
digital camera. He's got like pictures of Ron
Artest coming at him, like shut snap, snap, snap, snap.
And then all of a sudden he's laying sideways.
I was like damn dude. Anyhow, the Yankees thing was
the craziest, Like that guy might get banned from Yankee
Stadium forever. Yeah, those guys were holding
his wrist and trying to pull theball out of there.

(20:13):
Like, what did they think was going to happen at?
The same time you're on it's a World Series.
But I was watching PTI and they were like, that's the most
despicable thing I've ever seen.And I was like, if that would
happen at Comerica Park, we would have.
Took us gloves. We would have heralded the guy
that did that as like. He probably had a statue next to
like next to Ty Cobb in the outfield.

(20:35):
The guy would have been a legend.
Oh, I wrote this a couple weeks ago.
When you know what? You know what stresses me out
watching baseball is when they check a swing and the home plate
umpire is like, looks down the line for that guy.
And I'm like, oh, I wouldn't be good at that job to say if it
was a strike or not. I'm like.

(20:56):
You have to pay so. You have to pay so much
attention. Every time they check it, I'm
like, oh, that would stress me out.
If I was that guy. Oh, that would stress me out
because they would look at me. The other bar, was that a
strike? And I'd be like, I was actually
looking in the stands for a second there.
I didn't actually see what happened.
I heard hot dogs. Some guy just tossed like a bag
of peanuts and I I lost it. Sometimes I think they fake it.

(21:19):
They're just like he's safe. Yeah, I think they got it.
Because they they cannot be paying attention.
You're a human being. But I guess you that's what
you're getting paid for, but. So every time I watch a game,
I'm like, every time they check down the line, I'm like,
stresses me out. I have a gripe with the NFL.
I'd like to get off my chest right now.
Give it to me. Can we stop with this signing of

(21:40):
old quarterbacks every year, Like a couple years ago, Matt
Ryan went to the Colts and or no, maybe it's Philip Rivers and
Matt Ryan went to God knows where and this year, who are
those guys? It's Aaron Rodgers.
Am I gripe with it? Is that they're on, then they
like, shove them down your throat on prime time television.
It's brutal because they they think he's Aaron Rodgers.

(22:01):
Yeah. 15 years ago, no. Listen to these drives on
Thursday Night Football. This was Halloween night, first
half drives for The Jets and Aaron Rodgers, who's probably
got eight or nine prime time games this year. 3 plays in
punt. 4 plays punt. Unforced fumble at the goal
line. 3 plays in punt. 4 plays in punt. 3 plays in punt.
It's like unwatchable crap. Dude this guys 40 running around

(22:22):
acting like he's still 26 years old.
I know he's weird. He's he is weird.
That darkness thing he did? Did you ever do something like
that? I mean I don't maybe be
different. I used to put people into
solitary confinement and it would like, make you go crazy.
And he like voluntarily did that.
OK, yeah, 'cause I I was readingthe one where he was just alone,
like in the wilderness or something he did a couple years

(22:44):
ago. He did, I think he did like
solitaire for like 3 straight days or something like that, or
like a week where he was just incomplete darkness.
No, I couldn't do it. Yeah.
You start to go crazy. Your brain would be like, maybe
they're not letting me out of here.
I go, I go crazy in traffic, youknow?
I was behind a Sunday driver on the way over here.
I was about to ram her in the back of the bumper.

(23:07):
Yeah, that stuff's crazy. Did you see that LeBron and
Brownie? Oh dude, I was getting pretty
tired. Cool story.
It is a cool. Story you know that's.
Cool, I actually watched it. I was on the business trip and
watched. It was it cool?
Yeah, it was cool. Yeah, I mean it.
It is just cool. I didn't watch the whole game, I
just watched them play together.It was like 2 minutes and they
took him out. And now he's right to the G

(23:27):
League. Yeah.
They were like, was he making like 4 million a year
guaranteed? I mean, talk about was it
nepotism? I think the word is yeah, yeah.
Oh my God. I've never nepotism like we
don't understand. But you know what I I got on
here? You know what the most father
son combination of points ever in history is?
Steph Curry and Dell Curry are #3 at 36,000 points.

(23:50):
Kobe and Joe Bryant are 39,000 points and LeBron James and his
son are 40,000. Points.
He scored about two points. And he scored two points.
It's like the Gretzky stat. Yeah, Gretzky and his brother.
Top scoring brothers duo in the league.
His brother has like an assist. I mean it, it was a cool story.
The announcer the the part that got me was the announcer when

(24:11):
she was like, imagine being his wife and you're cheering for
your husband and your son at thesame time.
Like it's freaking cool. Man, but it's just it has to be
hard because he's that kids got to just be taking heat down the.
Car. Oh yeah.
Because I even, I don't even watch a lot of basketball.
I know he wasn't. He shouldn't have got that type
of money for a second round draft pick and he just doesn't
look NBA. Ready.

(24:31):
He's not NBA ready. He wasn't McDonald's All
American though. So people that are like throwing
dirt on him, they were like he shouldn't have been a second
round pick. He should have been undrafted.
I'm like, pardon, I talked aboutit.
I was like second round pick andthe NBA is nothing.
It doesn't matter. Like he you just said he's worth
$4 million a year. You know how many jerseys
they're selling? Like he's already made them
money. Just from that, that little
thing they did put him in at thesame time.

(24:51):
Right, it's hilarious. I saw a tweet from at AMAC.
Got swag, he said. Oh, I know.
The team's got a group chat without these two on it, and
there's Brown and LeBron. The rest of the team is talking
so much shit on a group, tags behind their backs.
It's unthinkable. And it's got to be weird because
little brownies like the the rookie.
So. So you take these guys out to

(25:11):
dinner and then. Hey, Dad, Yeah.
Can you pony up some? Money, Dad, Can I borrow some
money? All right, It's list time, baby.
Let's do it. And this week's list is the
purchases that we love and hate.And Dan asked me for an example.
He's like, he's like, how? How so?
And the one I gave him is the ultimate layup.

(25:32):
And it's that new car. There's nothing better than
getting a new. Remember when you were young?
Like I bought, I bought a Trailblazer, a Chevy
Trailblazer. And I would like every half an
hour, I'd go outside and look atit.
I was like, I was like, what do you do?
Why is the door open? I was like, I just gotta go look
at the trailblazer real quick. Just check it out just to see
what it looks like from the sidethat's.
That's your first. Car See what it looks like when

(25:53):
I'm rolling down the road. What was your first car?
My first car. You owned.
Yeah, 94 Shadow. Nice.
Yeah, yeah, it was beautiful. Chick Magnet.
Oh yeah. Total Wagon had a system in the
back of 10. God rattling your rib cage.
Yeah, in the whole car. Mine was a Jeep Wrangler.

(26:15):
Oh nice. 88 Jeep Wrangler. I have an uncle, had an uncle
that was a priest, a great uncle.
He he was selling a Wrangler andI was like, you want to buy his
Wrangler? And I was like, sure.
It was like it needed a new clutch.
I think I bought it for like $5000.
It was a manual too, huh it? Was a manual, drove it for the
summer and then sold it Nice formore than I'd lost.
I was just. Going to say probably because

(26:35):
they hold their value. Yeah, they hold their value so
well, it's so funny. Manual.
I saw a meme that said if we changed to manual transmissions
like the world manual transmissions and something else
like cursive, the whole world would end.
It'd be over. Can you drive a manual?
Not I understand the concept butnot very good.
Really, it's pretty fun when I go to business, when I used to
go on business trips to Germany,that's like the standard when

(26:58):
you go to a rental car place in your airport, if you have
something booked, it's a manual.You have to request an automatic
transmission, otherwise you're just.
Can't find it? Grind it.
Yeah, but they have these concepts, you know, in, in
Europe, land is at a premium. Oh yeah, 'cause like Germany is

(27:18):
a whole country, but it's like abig, as big as Ohio.
So like people don't have these like huge backyards and huge
lots. Like land is at a premium.
And so like a lot of these hotels, parking garages would be
underground. And so of course.
You got to get up. Here's me like on this like 20°
graded ramp like and they like make you like flash this like

(27:39):
bad like barcode at this thing. I'm just they're rolling back to
the this guys behind me. I'm like, Sir, if you could just
back up to a same slightly saferdistance and I was trying to
beep this barcode for the thing to lift up and not ram the guy
behind me. I was like this.
I don't like how you guys got this at.
All I've been sweating. It was very nerve wracking.

(27:59):
All of my Co worker was like well they have the new
technology where it doesn't let you roll too far backward.
I was like, well, I learned how to do it on an 87F-150, so I
didn't know that. Yeah, it would not be good I.
Remember I learned how to drive a stick.
I was. I'll never forget my and the 90s
were just different. This is not my dad.
I love my dad but he was not a very good stick shift teacher.

(28:22):
He brought me outside and was like here's first, here's
second, here's third, here's 4th, here's 5th, here's reverse.
Taught me the concept of clutch from the gas pedal.
Next morning bar I'll get to take the 87F-150.
Twenty minute drive to Catholic school and I'm sitting there at
a light at like Eureka and Dicksand I could not get it to move.
He stole out. And I got people to get the fuck

(28:45):
out of the way, just spewing hatred at me, going around me.
They're late for their shifts, and I'm just this 16 year old
about to start sobbing his eyes out on this, on this road.
I was like, Oh my God, I've never hated everybody on earth
more than right now. Yeah, that is.
That's why they always scared. It is frightening.

(29:06):
They're fun to drive when you know how.
Once you get going. Tough to eat a McDonald's
cheeseburger out of your lap because you got to use all your
hands. I remember I was driving home
from school. We were going to like a friend's
house. And my friend, there was twins
in my class and one of them, shewas like, it was me and whoever
was in the front. I got two people in the front
and I had like two people in theback of my dad.
He had the cab on top, and I'm sitting there like, stalling

(29:29):
out, stalling out, stalling out.I didn't realize I was in 3rd
gear. But while you're doing it,
you're getting pissed. So I just, like, put it back in
neutral, jam it into first and just pound the gas for your
veneer. And these girls in the back of
my dad's truck are flying acrossthe back of his truck and just
slamming into the back of the back of the cab.

(29:51):
I think one of them needed, like, back surgery after this
trip. Anyhoo, yeah.
So, yeah, the car is the one that got me the most.
That was the easy layout. Because you love it, because
it's a new car. But they're so expensive.
I haven't bought a car. When's the last time you bought
a car? My current truck was about
what's what's going on? It's a 16.
Yeah, ours is a 15. The Explorer cars are so much

(30:14):
money now. So much money.
So much money. I'm like, there's no way.
I mean, you and I both do well for ourselves.
There's no way. I'm going into a dealership and
they're like, OK, you have a sixyear term and your payments are
$950 a month. And I'm like, no way.
That's with 5K down. Yeah, that's right.
I'm like, OK kids, which one of you guys do I like the least

(30:36):
'cause we're trading you in? I'm like, how much, Gypsy?
If I give you this child in my old car, it's.
Brutal. It is insane how much car it's
costing. Holidays insane.
Yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah, I told staff I was like,
you work in the city we live in,we're driving that Explorer
until we are like the whitest oftrash on the street that's going
to have like mismatched wheels and tires do.

(30:58):
You own both of yours. We well, Dan, I don't mean to
big time, but mine's a company vehicle.
Oh yeah, that's right, hers is. And then we only.
Explore. OK.
Yeah, because we lease Mila's. Yeah, leasing is also just a
racket because you're always paying, always paying.
They're like, yeah, it's cheaper, but then you're always
paying for your car. Like non-stop payments.
COVID or whatever happened the the same car we got during COVID

(31:19):
is like $250 more a month now. Dan and I were talking before
the pod, everything we came out of COVID and everyone was like,
yay, we can socialize again. And then nobody can afford to
socialize because everything costs so much money.
You know what, You know what? The one thing you know what
pisses me off is after COVID plane tickets.
Oh yeah, Steph and I don't fly aton, but I was like, wow.

(31:41):
Vegas flights went from like 275to 450 like overnight.
She and I like to go there for like a three nighter once a
year, do a little day drinking, little pool drinking.
Yeah. And it's just everything's so
expensive since COVID. So anyhow, I use my car one.
What do you got? I'll stay sort there.
I'd like new shoes, you know, because now that I'm getting

(32:05):
older, I have to buy better shoes and I'm into these Brooks
now and they are easily. Better shoes because you need
like orthopedic. But they still look up, so
pretty cool. How much is a pair of Brooks
130? Yeah.
Between 131 to one, I was just looking at a pair of 160 and I
couldn't pull the trigger out. So they're going to go on sale

(32:27):
Black Friday soon. But Steph works at a second hand
store. Long story short, she brought me
home a bunch of shoes that were like never worn.
So I haven't bought. I haven't.
I don't buy anything that's nice.
I know she well, I'm also kind of a slob.
COVID turned me into a slob. Me and me too.
I just bought shirts, Calvin Klein shirts online 'cause they

(32:48):
spit me, I know what size I am for work, 'cause I was.
I said to Steph, I was like, I haven't bought clothing since
before COVID. Spoiler alert, March is five
years since COVID. I was like, I'm going to work
looking like I'm homeless, dude.Well, you can see well you guys
can't see it on, but everything I own is party adventure.
It's like my uniform. So I I got so many T-shirts.

(33:08):
That's funny 'cause it segues meinto my next one is I have a
love hate relationship with the the fat guy dad bod T-shirts.
Oh yes, those are nice. They're wonderful and I got some
and I was like, these fit me perfectly.
Yeah, You know, I work out a little up top, letting the
midsection go quite a bit nowadays.

(33:29):
Well, it's winter. It is winter, I can wear a zip
up hoodie now everywhere I go. Looks 40.
And so I got these T-shirts and I was like, these fit me
magically. I love them.
I like don't look fat in the mirror, but they have that logo.
I hate that logo because you know what that logo says?
Fat Guy T-shirt. Fat guy T-shirt I'm like screw

(33:52):
you true classics or whatever not a sponsor.
I have such a love hate with those shirts.
I know every single time I put it on I'm like this will make me
not have to like sit sideways inmy recliner to like breathe
without seeing my belly button. Last time we were at Copper Hop,
you were like, I got the same shirt.
I'm like, oh come on, sort of a biscuit.
All black shirt with one little.One little thing right?

(34:13):
There's just a fat guy logo at the top.
Hey, you're a fat guy too. Let's call it dad bod.
Yes, I have a small inner tube of one on my.
Way so that's what I should havetold you when I was prepping is
not all purchases are hates because of the cost of them.
Some of them are because you know you don't want everyone to
know you're fat. Are all are all your hates
because they're expensive? Nice.
So excited to hear what Dan's got.

(34:35):
I mean, well, one that I really enjoy, but then I start to hate
is a good new Sharpie pack because I write on boxes a lot,
you know, whatever for inventoryand whatnot.
And when you pull them out, they're nice and sharp.
And they're just loaded to go and then after about 70 boxes

(34:57):
because those boxes are a bit suck the moisture out anyway.
I mean, I'll suck the happiness right out of your wallet.
It is brutal. I got.
To buy more of these damn sharpies now.
Yeah, I have them on reoccurring.
On Amazon. 20 pack a month, that's a.
Perfect 120 of you. That's so funny.
I'm like, I don't know, what areyou Sharpies for?
Just like golf balls, we write heinous things on golf balls.

(35:21):
Let's see our next one. Oh, I put on here.
The one that made me think of itwas Charlie Cooper, and I kind
of touched on it the other day was when you get a new cell
phone, you're like, oh sweet, I got the new cell phone.
I got all the memory, the bettercamera, better battery and then
you don't know how to use it for.
Like a week and you gotta set all that.
Oh my God, you lose some of yourcontacts.

(35:41):
Like the first week of a new phone is like torture.
Yes, I'm like, I feel like I'm 100.
Years old and and your ringer's different usually and you're
like. Whose people give you shit?
They're like, do you not know how to bring your contacts over?
And I'm like, listen, I backed it up.
They didn't all come. It hasn't rained.
All right, leave me alone. So the first week of the cell
phone, it's like torture. It's torture.
Some of my apps don't come over and I'm just like, and then I'm

(36:03):
like, oh, I need to download name this app Fidelity.
And they're like, oh, new new device, what's your password?
And I'm like, well, I had a thumbprint on my last phone and
now they want Face ID and I don't know my password.
I know. So I got to go through the
password re verification like I have different passwords for
everything. Oh, you're good.

(36:24):
My passwords are the most randomass things you'll ever hear in
your life. So every time I get a new phone,
I'm like, yeah, I got to e-mail myself a new password for
FanDuel IF. Anybody knows my birthday?
You can have my life. I will not say your last name on
this podcast now. All right, Danny Boy, what you
got? One thing that we have to have
in the house 'cause it is a necessity for my wife is a paper

(36:46):
towel and they are so bloody expensive.
Oh my. And I get them at Costco too.
That's such a good one. God darn it.
When I first moved out, I boughta house when I was 23 or 24
years old and my first shopping thing I was like, I'm sorry,
paper towels cost what? It's unthinkable how much they
cost. And you say I'm going to use a

(37:08):
rag and you only get 2. How about this?
How about if your wife? I can say I said her.
You said her name last week. How about if Mila women tend to
pull a lot more paper towels than than necessary?
And. I'm just watching Steph pulling
like halfway across the kitchen.I'm like, what are you?
What do you plan on wiping up it?

(37:29):
Was there a murderer in the house I got?
Sawdust for that. Is there?
Dan brings it all the way back to the janitor in the hall.
Yeah. You're like, no, no, I mean,
like, don't touch that. You just sprinkle a little
sawdust. Let it sit for a minute.
I am like such a paper towel Nazi.
I get the one with the where youcan split it in half on purpose

(37:49):
darling. Absolutely.
That was a male that that was a,that was a husband that invented
that. That was a husband that watched
his wife pull paper towels halfway across the kitchen.
It was like Jesus trader. 250 worth of paper towels.
Paper towels piss me off. Yeah, it.
Was bad. My next one.

(38:10):
Only one, one more thing with the paper towels.
We haven't. We don't have a holder because
it broke, so we just set it now by the sink.
Oh, yeah. But then you'll spill something,
or some sink water will get it, and then you put it in, and then
the whole. Oh, it's it's tapered out.
And then oh, if they soak up so you get it.
Oh my. God don't.
Get one that breaks, get a metalone.

(38:31):
Ours is just had a metal. It's a one piece unit.
Yeah, I got to look for that with a metal.
Black Friday's coming up. Hey baby, you know the first
thing I ever bought on Black Friday was a toaster oven.
I was like, what's wrong with me?
I just never Black Friday. It doesn't exist anymore.
Sort of does, because it was like Cyber Monday.
Or whatever so but though they started like a week in it.

(38:51):
There was no way I was ever camping out for like a 4040 inch
LED television. I was like, you know what?
I'm not trying to big time you guys, but I'll just pay a little
bit. More, it's worth it.
I'm not sleeping in a Best Buy parking lot.
Yeah, that's never made sense to.
Me, I also don't like the older we get.
I don't like to be around a ton of humans.
I can handle some humans. I enjoy social district, but if
people are fighting me for like a paper towel holder, have it.

(39:13):
I'm throwing fists. I'm going to be on the 7:00
news. See, I'm just, I, I would've
just went and got the much more expensive one.
Yeah, I'm not fighting these people.
There's no way I'm fighting those people.
Yeah, but people love it, the door busting and.
I can't stand it. So my next one is how about I
put on here booze or wine? It's one of those things that I

(39:34):
like enjoy buying. Like you go to those craft beer
stores. So this is another one that like
I hate 'cause how expensive it is.
You're like, oh, you guys have Neapolitan milk stout.
I will take a six pack of that. Then you get the rest of that, I
guess $21.00 for six beers. And I'm like, oh.
My. God, dude.
I know. Some of those craft beers are so

(39:55):
expensive. They're but the only thing that
I got to remind myself is they're usually much stronger
than like a Miller. They are much stronger.
So you figure you're really getting 12 beers and. 6 beers is
still cheaper than going out, but I love to buy wine, like red
wine. If you buy a decent bottle of
red wine, it's 20 bucks. Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I don't want to sound like I got a problem with stuff.
And I can tear through a bottle each with ease.

(40:19):
So you. Yeah, you go to the Beer Store.
I I love having a refrigerator stocked.
When people come over, people stop by for dinner.
I like to be able to offer wine or bourbon or beers.
I like to have things because I'm an adult now.
Dan, Dan. And I've been hanging out since
all we had was this is my fifth of vodka and I'm going to drink
this tonight. When mix it with this Fago and

(40:41):
you're not touching any of it. And now I like to have things
for people, man. The price tag it when you check
out at some of those places, it's crazy.
Yeah, and especially just even if you're having a few people
over, you're like damn, 60 bucks.
Yeah. Oh, bye, bye.
There was a merchant's fine winein Dearborn that closed and
Patrick and Chad and I'd made the mistake of going after beat
UPS one night. Like, we golfed, went to beat

(41:01):
UPS, had dinner. We're going home with a buzz.
Yeah. You spend a lot of money at at a
merchant's when you're when you're pushing a grocery cart
around at a store that only sells alcohol that.
Looks lovely. Yeah, you tend to spend a.
Lot of money, Alright, what you got?
One that I really don't like to do, but it's a necessity, is gas

(41:22):
for your car or propane for the grill.
It's so annoying, you know? The first time I ever I didn't
own a gas grill, I had a charcoal grill for the longest
time. Buy a gas grill.
I didn't know there was like a the first time you ever buy the
propane tank, you have to pay for the tank recycle or
whatever. And I was like, what the hell
kind of racket is dude? And we're do I last time I

(41:45):
grilled, I was like this propane's got to be getting.
Yeah, 'cause then you just startto get.
Anxiety, you're like. You're looking at your steaks or
your whatever you're cooking going.
We might be finishing these in the old fryer.
Could you imagine how much worseit would be to fill up your gas
tank if it was still back in theday when you couldn't use a card
and you were like paying actual cash every time you did it?

(42:08):
And trying to remember what pumpyou're at and the truck.
There's four trucks out there, Sir.
What number pump are you? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't.
I didn't sign in when I pulled into the gas station.
Why do you put the numbers so high I.
Didn't sign the waiver. Yeah, could you?
But when I pay for things with my card, I'm always like
whatever swipe, I'll deal with it later.
But if when you pay with things with cash, it feels very, very

(42:30):
different, it's. Much more intimate.
Very, very different feel if I Icouldn't imagine paying for gas
with cash. That's a good one, gas, because
you're like. Yeah.
When you're on a road trip, it kind of sucks, but you're like,
well, you know, I'm going to visit my sister out in DC, gonna
have some fun here. When you're like, I just got to
go to Kroger and I happen to have to put $75.00 worth of gas

(42:52):
in my gas tank, talk about a swift kick to the balls.
Right to the baby maker. Right to the pills.
Well then, well, then you have people like my wife that don't
like to stand there too long, soI pray that she's always on the
phone so she loses track becauseit's like 12 or $18.00.
But can you just fill it up at least a halfway for me?
What do you mean? She don't like to stand at the

(43:13):
pump to fill it all the way up. Once I get to the pump, I fill
mine all the way up. Oh yeah, you know.
She, she just, she'll put enoughto get from point A to point B.
Essentially she'll put like 1520bucks in or 10I.
Feel like I got spiders crawlingon my skin right now.
And I'm like, why do you do thatto me?
Oh my God, you're just going to have to pay, you know, fill up
in 2 days. That would be the greatest list
reasons you fight with your spouse and Dan's, like Mila

(43:36):
decides to put $5 in the gas tank.
Well, we're someone's getting a divorce.
I'm getting a divorce because stuff's putting up Tiger
wallpaper in our hallway and Dan's.
You saw that Tiger wallpaper downstairs.
What do you think about it? It's it's, it's different.
Well, in her defense, she said no, it's only the one wall up
the stairs on one side, OK. And I was like, fine, you want

(43:58):
to put tigers and Peacocks? On the wall.
I mean, it's, it's cool look at least.
It's a stairwell. True.
All right, my next one is did you just go, oh, you did the gas
one? How about the Ticketmaster fees?
That was just because it's expensive.
Have you ever had like a group and you're like, oh, we should
go see Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band And you're like
tickets are what, 125 bucks? And then you get to that.
Check out part 46 and ticketmasters like.

(44:21):
Administrative. You thought you were getting out
of here for that administrative fee my.
Ass. Yeah, God, it's.
So how do they have no competition?
I don't get it. How do they those fees suck?
Why can't they? They should.
They should be forced to show you the whole fee.
Yeah, You know what I mean? I think it's like a gas station.
They have to tell you how much it is.
Yeah. 299 or 399? 290-999-9999.

(44:42):
For for a gallon of gas, this islike a bait and switch.
It's so annoying because that's the exact conversation everyone
has. I'm like oh Steph and I would
love to join you guys to see Name Insert band here.
How much is 125? Well, it's 140 cents, so it's
300. Dollars, my sister wants to go
see Cold War Kids are coming. Tickets are like whatever,
$45.00. I'm like yeah, that's awesome.
Ticketmaster's like wow. If you guys would like to open

(45:05):
up door #2. Just click Continue.
Look what we have here. I can't stand that.
Yeah, we have service fees, we have admin fees.
We I mean. What you got?
One big purchase and I've done it.
Well, I actually have to be honest with you.
I have never done it for myself yet, but I love new carpet.

(45:27):
Nice. A rug or a carpet?
Full carpet. Oh yeah, the new carpet smell.
Yeah. And it's it's soft, even if you
get the harder stuff like for the basement, it still feels
really good. I just read, I showed you my
basement the other day. We moved in here.
It was like 1960s down there andthey put in the extra thick
padding, so you got 1/2 inch padding underneath and the
carpet. I show Pawn when he comes over

(45:47):
here. We get to Studio 2.
I'm like come check out the basement.
I finally got it and the first thing he said to me was, oh,
that new carpet smell. It is a thing.
New carpets and we didn't. We don't spend a lot of time in
my basement, so it lasted for a long time.
That is nice you. You, you're going to go home and
talk to me. You're like, listen, we need to
go carpet shopping right now. Yeah, you, you get a new car in

(46:07):
new carpet, you're living It is.It is.
I'm living the best of both worlds.
I'm inside, I'm outside. I'm happy.
Do you guys, do you have people take shoes off when you they
come in your house? No.
We don't either. We got all hardwood.
Look, you guys. Yeah, except the bedrooms.
We don't care about our kids health health wise, even when my
son was crawling around. It'll be fine.

(46:28):
Build up the immune system. Well, there's sometimes it would
be like a little rainy and I'll,I should take my shoes off, but
it's like 3 steps and I got a lot of paper towels, Yeah.
I got like $75.00 worth of papertowel to use up here.
We, I remember when we, we, we grew up with no money.
I'll never forget when they changed out to carpeting and I
was like, this is awesome. And then they wouldn't let us

(46:49):
wear shoes in the house anymore.And I was like, oh, this kind of
sucks. I want the old stuff I.
Was like, listen, I got a hole in my sock.
It's rather embarrassing. That's the worst.
Have you? What would you do?
Go to a dinner party? Show up at someone's house,
thought. They have to leave, you know,
and just run down and grab. Some stuff like you have to
like, go in the bathroom and turn it upside down.
Yeah, all of a sudden you have aheel sticking out of the top of

(47:11):
your ankle. Pull it under more.
This doesn't fit a hole in the sock is so embarrassing.
I hate you know when that happens is work socks because
they're so thin. If you go to a party after work,
when I'm wearing, you know, those uncomfortable brown shoes,
those those those holes can pop up at work.
So if I'm going to work, if I'm going, hey, if you and Amelia

(47:32):
ever invite us over for dinner, we would just, hey, spoiler
alert, we would accept. Duly noted.
And I would make sure to wear a pair of socks.
It doesn't even come close to having a hold of it.
But if I'm coming straight from work, you never know what
happened during the day. Those things can just pop up at
any minute. How about this one?
I talked about it before is new clothing.

(47:56):
Because I do actually like owning new clothing.
I don't even mind the cost of itanymore.
I'm just like, if it fits, buy it.
I don't give a crap how much it costs, but I can't stand
shopping. I cannot stand shopping.
And you know what I hate more than shopping returns?
But there's a few things that I just eat.

(48:17):
I just eat. It's torture.
I ain't going back there. I.
Hope I lose 10 lbs Yeah, if it's.
If it's less than $10, I'm not returning it.
Stop. I'm like Amazon, keep it.
Stop enjoys shopping. Oh yeah, so does meal.
Yeah, I think a lot of women enjoy shopping.
Men will never understand it. And so they don't mind returns.
They're like, we'll just figure it out and I'll return these

(48:38):
later. And Steph's always got like
piles of what needs to go back. And it like gives me hives.
I can't even look at it. I'm like, those are errands.
You're just creating errands. Yeah, creating just nonsense.
But I have a Catch 22. You know what I can't stand more
than shopping is trying on clothes in the changing.
It's the worst. It is like hell.

(49:01):
It's like a million degrees in there.
People can see my socks with bare legs underneath the door.
It is the. I got no balance so I'm bouncing
around on one freaking leg. I don't like the way I look in
the mirror from the side profile, that's for damn sure.
It is absolute torture. So I I refuse to try things on
in stores. Sometimes they smell like you

(49:23):
get a human smell and you're like.
This is unacceptable. This.
Yeah, this. Someone rented this.
Someone's sleeping in here overnight.
I can't, so I don't try clothes on.
So I bring them home. And I have a problem with
clothing makers. Why don't all clothes fit the
same way? I can't stand that.
You think it'd be a? So that's why when I bought the

(49:45):
Calvin Klein shirts, I just bought one of every color they
offered. Once you find.
I bought 7 different colors of the exact same shirt because I
was like I'm not returning any of these.
I know for a fact those all fit.They're.
Gonna fit me and I like them I. Don't care who makes fun of me,
I don't give a shit what you think because you know what?
I don't have an errand to run. I agree.
That's why I like gift cards. That's not something I would buy

(50:10):
for myself, but it's something you get for Christmas.
Listen, you want to give me a gift card, it better be for
Amazon or it's never getting used.
You just get, you just forced meto go shopping.
I can't. I can't stand shopping.
No, I hate and I hate even more the the Burlingtons and the, you
know, the, the discount places that are.
You have to dig. I can't stand that.

(50:31):
Don't hide it from me, you know?Yeah, if I'm having to need new
jeans, I'd need to go, right? I shouldn't.
Need to play an organ like I'm in The Goonies to find a
T-shirt, yeah. I can't stand.
The What's a Nordstrom Rack Steph favorite store 'cause
she's thrifty, she enjoys thriftshopping.
She doesn't like to spend a lot of money.
It's one of the reasons I love her the most the most and she's

(50:53):
financially responsible. But she was like we should go to
Nordstrom Rack because they havenice clothes for cheap and I was
expecting to CA Nordstroms with racks.
Right. Yeah, with with proper signage.
I didn't know it was going to bea 75 foot long rack with all the
different sizes on one rack. Babe, I'm not a 28 anymore.

(51:15):
You got to go up here in the high 30s.
I got to go to LA Fitness for a week before I can pry these
clothings apart. They got them packed in there,
so it was torture. Brutal.
There's no way. Torture.
That's what I said. Nope.
They have nice stuff there that's fine for you pick.
Me up, whatever you feel like. I get mine online.
If you ask how it fits, the answer is if you're returning

(51:36):
it, it doesn't. If I have to return it, it fits
perfectly. It's great.
I'll wear it next week. How much was that polo shirt?
7 dollars fits. Yeah.
All right, you're up. I have one purchase that I
really want to do. It's kind of like the new car,
but I want to put in a really big bathtub 'cause I can't fit
in my. Yeah.

(51:57):
It looks like a spider circle look look like an idiot and I
like it looks. Like that horror movie.
What is it, The Well or The Other Ring?
When she comes out of the well, her legs are out first.
Yeah. It sucks.
Oh man, a really big bathtub that circles all the way back
around the fat guy T-shirts. The old fat.
I should have worn one of my fatguy T-shirts just like a point

(52:19):
of the emblem. That's the other reason.
In the small tubs you put this much water and you displace it
so it gets cold, really fat. Yeah.
And you gotta switch it. Luke, first of all, bathtubs.
Yeah, I mean, I know a lot of people aren't fans of huge bats,
but every now and again, if I get sore or something, a good
soak is nice. Lots of salt.
I'm not a fan of a good soak, I got a lot but Epsom salt might

(52:40):
change it. Yeah, you're missing out.
I'm not a fan of. Sitting in your own pool of
fills. Lukewarm filth.
Yeah, When you can see a little bit of filth floating by, I'm
like. That is scum on the top of that
water. We had a do you remember where
the 1st house I bought in Dearborn had that?
It was, you probably don't, but it had like the Jacuzzi jets.
I tried sitting in there once. I was like Nope, not for me.

(53:02):
I was like iceberg straight ahead.
I know it's not for a lot. Of people.
That was a joke. My next one is how about buying
shots? Oh yeah, It's like the best idea
and the worst idea. It is because it runs your bill
up. You're like it not only does it
run your bill up, it runs your hangover up.
Oh, I put I'm sorry. I put shots.

(53:23):
Especially after midnight. Yeah, bad idea.
I'm 43. But.
If the four of us read a bar together and I'd be like, it'd
be fun if we did some shots, youand me would be like, hell yeah,
let's do some shots. And the next day I'd text you.
And I'm like, Dan, I feel like Ineed to rub a double
cheeseburger on my face. It runs your bill up.
And shots are just redheaded sluts and bad Washington is damn

(53:46):
apples. Shots are just never a good
idea. But have you ever when I go to
the bar with people and I'm like, hey, we should do some
shots and they're like, no, thank you.
I'm like, we're not hanging out again.
I would like to go home now. I'm going to put you on the
blocked list. Because I immediately I like
this guy. Yeah, shots are fun, but man,

(54:07):
hangovers now at our age? Oh.
Like they're terrible. If we did a round of shots at
like 1:00 in the morning. Oh my gosh.
First of all, to be awake at 1:00 in the morning and in any
shape to purchase shots, I wouldbe hungover if that was Saturday
night, I'd be hungover to lunch on like Tuesday.
Oh, easy. I'd be like, Steph, can we get
some more Bellucinos? Like I wake up with hangovers

(54:29):
where I want to like, hurt myself with nasty food.
Yes, Steph knows if she sees a McDonald's bag anywhere from me,
it's. Because I was hungover.
Yep. And it's because I got double
cheeseburgers and vanilla milkshakes.
So yeah, shots after midnight are bad, bad news.
And just to think back in the day, you know, I was drinking
Red Bull and vodkas on top of doing shots like Jager bombs.

(54:52):
Oh, God, I remember going, we used to hang out at Gator.
Jake's not a sponsor. Yeah, should reach out to them,
actually see if they want to sponsor this.
And we would, Brad would be like, Brad is bartender.
And he was like, just buy the whole thing a Red Bull because
it's cheaper. You remember this?
We would all, all of us. Idiot drunks.
We'd walk around with a Red Bulland a glass of vodka in our left
hand. Just.

(55:14):
Pouring vodka. Pouring Red Bull on top of
vodka. Alcoholic.
Heck. Oh my.
Oh my God, we were in such bad shape back then.
It. Was really bad.
When we were moving here, that was what I was going to say.
When we were moving here, we hada we had.
Did you ever come to my house, the second house in Dearborn at
Snow Court? I.
Think I made it 'cause I was. I think it was.
Out of here it was like, Oh yeah, that's right here.
So we had like a quad level homeand we had this nice big family

(55:36):
room in the lower level and we had a big deli window into a wet
bar. So we had like a counter
cabinets, a fridge and a sink. So it made the room feel like A
basketball arena. It was so big.
Like we had people over for Super Bowls.
People were sitting down, peoplewere standing in the bar
watching. It was great.
And we're moving. And like up on top of the
cabinets, I had a like an old pan or something that held all

(55:58):
these shot glasses. They were like stacked in twos
and threes. And we're moving and stuff goes,
do we need to bring these shot glasses?
And I was like, I don't understand the question.
And then I looked in the mirror and I was like, yeah, we're 40.
Two right? You need one.
You know, if we were to do a shot now, I would just pour into

(56:21):
a rocks glass like a like a normal human.
Like I don't have to have a shotglass that says Miami like.
What? Happens in Vegas.
Spring break goes 3. I don't need a picture of the
Grand Canyon on the side of a shot glass while I'm doing it.
I could just take a drink out ofa rocks glass like a normal
human being. So.
So we got rid of many of the shot glasses, but we kept a few.

(56:43):
Yeah, you have to. My last one on here is I got a
love hate relationship with buying cheese puffs.
So I'm like, this is such a goodidea because there ain't nothing
like Chester the Cheetah cheese puffs.
A good bag, good bag of puff stand, $5 and you take the first

(57:04):
few and then you're like these are delicious.
They are very good. Next thing you know most of the
bag is gone and you're like I, Ihate myself.
And what am I going to do with these fingers?
I got Cheeto all over my fingers.
On the damn remote I've. Never been so embarrassed.
Steph walks in the living room and I got cheese all over my
fingers and I'm holding a bag ofcheese puffs and I'm like.

(57:25):
Hey babe, give me some paper towel.
It's it's the shame that I hate.So she always is like we had to
have self-control. I haven't eaten any Halloween
candy, I told you. This.
Yeah, that's pretty good. I'm trying my hardest to not eat
chips, but chips, Do you ever crave that crunch all the time
or the puff? And she's going.
So she hadn't been shopping for a little while.

(57:46):
A sexist comment. And I'm like, good, we're out of
we're out of cheese Doritos. So I won't be tempted by cheese
Doritos anymore. And she had brought home pork
rinds the last time she'd shopped.
And she's always like, stop eating them.
They're for the kids. And I'm like, that's easy for
you to say. My house she got.
Home one day she. We're we're unloading the
groceries and I'm like, pork rinds.

(58:07):
That's disgusting. Yeah, I'm not.
Yeah, but you know what happens when you run out of cheese puffs
and. You try the pork rinds.
That pork rinds are looking. Damn.
Not a fan. I am not a fan.
I get into our goodbye section. We picked up a country actually
nice. It starts with an M pawn.

(58:29):
Always guesses. So go ahead and Dan, take your
best shot. Madagascar.
God, I love those movies. Morocco.
So you were close. Morocco's Northern Africa.
That's pretty good. I have a friend.
She dates a guy that like lives on an island.
I'm not very good geography. I'm American.
I'm a proper American. Didn't you think?

(58:51):
My old German colleagues would like name a, a, a country or
something and I'd be like, just tell me if I'm pointing in the
right direction. I got no idea what we're just
talking about. So I have a friend who's who's
listened. I think it's this female friend.
I have Renee shout out Renee. She listens and she has his
boyfriend out in that area. And I'm, I'm guessing that she
was out in Morocco. Listen to the podcast Closing
Thoughts. We did go to Blake's Orchard.

(59:14):
Do you guys go pumpkin patching or apple picking or anything?
Like that only when I was a kid.We don't do that, no.
Not right now. Pretty fun.
I like. I like the smell of the whole
place. Yes, I like the experience.
Yeah, it's it's, it's pretty. Fun, well, and the doughnuts
insider are worth the drive. Funny you segued right into my
question. For you, Dan, if you go to one
of those places and you have a cinnamon doughnut, how many

(59:35):
bites you got? How many bites till it's gone?
If I'm feeling good, one. 1. Well, look, I get the small, you
know. No, I mean the regular size
doughnut. Oh, regular.
It would probably take me from probably four or five.
I got smaller bikes I. I was, I was a three guy.
This stuff, I was like, this isn't wrong with me.
I was like I almost just ate oneof my fingers on accident.

(59:58):
Yeah, they are really good. Though they're really good
though, so the last thing I got to say for goodbyes is.
My son, he loves 80s and 90s movies, so we're like tearing
through them. Yeah, that's good.
And I just realized he's in jiu jitsu and I was like, you've
never seen The Karate Kid top five movie of all time?
I was like. First of all, there's a blind
girl named Ali who's an absolutebabe.

(01:00:22):
So you know, my son does the and.
Mr. Miyagi's lessons will stick with you.
They. Will stick with you forever.
So my son does these treatments at night and they're loud.
So we always have the TV up loudand Stuff.
One of Stuff's pet peeves is theloud TV.
So like this second his treatments and she's like, can
you guys turn the TV down? And it happened to be at this

(01:00:43):
part in the movie Dan. Oh, oh, come back, you say.
No, I. Can't.
And the volume's at like 45 whenwe normally listen to it at 10.
And I just started going like this, turning it up.
I was like, Tim, I can't hear you.
I was like, you asked at the wrong time, babe, for me to turn
the TV down. You want to know why?

(01:01:05):
Because you're the best. That's all I got.
What are we doing next time? So next time I got a new guest
coming on next episode and we are going to be, I was texting
with him and we were going to bedoing the reasons that dads are
the superior parent to moms. Oh boy.
So I'm going to be divorced in about a week and a half week and

(01:01:28):
1/2 or so. All right, that's it for me.
Make sure to like and subscribe and five star and all that good
jazz. All right, Danny Boy, that's all
I got. What you got?
I'm totally clipping pun in there anyways.
That's it for me, dawg. Boosh.

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Ep.57 - The Purchases we Have a Love/Hate Relationship With

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep.57 - The Purchases we Have a Love/Hate Relationship With