Ep.60 - The Reasons we should Still be Virgins... - Conversational Humor - An Improv Comedy Hour

Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
I freaking love our podcast. I'm so hungry right now.
I assumed his name was Darth Virgin.
Come on, you're talking dirty tome right now.
She's like, what do you got in your mouth?
And I got a fruit by the foot, hanging halfway down to my lap.
I like to eat my calories, not drink them.

(00:24):
All right, hello, hello, and welcome back to episode 60 of
Conversational Humor with Pun and Balrog.
This is Pun across from me. This has gotten out of hand.
Andy. You want to know what I find on
this guy's table immediately when I walk?
He's gotten too big for his britches, the Grosse Pointe
news. Then I get pissed.
Pot. Walks in, he goes, you know
what, I've had enough of this shit.

(00:45):
He looks down and says the Grosse Pointe News on our table
in the newspaper. And then I go take a.
Closer look at who's on the cover of it.
His wife is the cover photo of Grosse Pointe News.
We're kind of a big dealer out here.
Pun I. Mean rubbing elbows with the
first families of Detroit who will leave nameless because we
want to be here tomorrow. We don't want to go.
Missing it's just it's just too much that was so and then it's

(01:09):
separated in two parts you want to know what the next part of
the newspaper says your old mansion series kicks off
December 8th This guy's researching I'm.
You know what the best part about it is, Is that the mansion
series is on the page after my wife started, Yes.
Yeah, your wifes more important.Anywho.

(01:30):
Sorry about yelling guys, that just pissed me right off and I'm
ball. Rock, as you know, not quite as
famous as my famous wife. Shout out to my famous wife man.
She does great work for for great people at a nonprofit.
What makes this even funnier is the reason she's on the cover of
the news is for like an angelic reason.

(01:51):
She's like a great human being and I'm like, you want to know
what pisses me off? Her charitable work pisses me.
Her birthday was on Monday. Oh, happy belated.
Belated to my wife and she was on the 5:00 news that night.
Unbelievable. Four set article.
Today is Friday, December the 6th of 2024 and we're going to

(02:11):
be talking about the reasons we should still be virgins.
It's going to be long. So it's going to be the things
that are nerdy about us, the things that are gross about us.
By the way, today is Friday, December the 6th.
That means this is 2 weeks in a row that we're recording.
No big deal. The Super fans will be stoked.
Listen ladies, I don't mean to make you feel badly for laying

(02:31):
with us as making us non virginsbecause we are disgusting geeks,
but prepare. Prepare to be gas lit.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
In hindsight, what makes this even funnier is we both have
smoke and hot ladies. It makes it even worse.
For sure they're going to be listening to it like I hate this
guy. I hate him so much.
You know what's funny is if someone that you used to date,

(02:52):
for example, might listen to this podcast and they're like
all of a sudden they are absolutely repulsed by the fact
that they laid with. Oh yeah, yeah, they're going to
listen to this guy. They're like, wow, I used to
actually like Fawn after him a little bit.
No, you know what they're going to do is they're going to go.
That ain't half the list. He's in 1/4.
Comment section is gonna be blowing up this week dude.
This. Guy, I'd be like Pun.

(03:13):
We haven't gotten a voice memo on Spotify yet.
Now we have 93 of them. Lauren, that is not.
Now we're hearing it'll be 91st.Mailbox is full.
Oh, a quick story about voicemail box.
This is not a voicemail, but so you know, I ordered Jackson a
coat. He's in Ohio State.
Oh my God, my uncle said. Make sure in sports to address

(03:34):
the fact that Pond's son got hisheart broken and we'll get
there. Oh, we'll get there.
We'll get there. OK, so I, I, I have to 'cause
I'm not sure I ordered him an authentic Jeremiah Smith jersey.
There's no. From.
Way you should be just good of a.
Bad You want to know where I ordered it from?
The Ohio the official Ohio Stateteam shop.
And I hope all your ads, all of your electronic ads, are just

(03:56):
loaded with Ohio State and Jack Sawyer.
So it turns out I I hate. Him so much.
It turns out they they're like handcrafting this jersey, 'cause
I call him and I'm like, hey, I ordered this Thanksgiving.
I haven't even got it. We've shipped your item out.
And she's like, oh, it takes twoto four weeks for production.
But leading up to that, do you want to know how terrible of a

(04:19):
university Ohio State is? The whole time the phone call,
you know, when you call somebodyand they're like, hey, sorry,
all of our agents are busy. Please remain on the line.
Thank you for calling the Ohio State team shop.
It did that voice memo repeatedly for 18 minutes with
no pauses. They can't even figure out how
to do that. Once every minute, once a minute

(04:43):
for 18 minutes. I had to go.
Thank you for your order from The Ohio State.
You guys get a student, A student that's in the electronic
section of me. Good God.
Woof man puns making fun of me for living somewhere where
there's an article about mansions and yet he just
described that he was having a handcrafted handcrafted made in

(05:04):
a Vietnam. Imported shop.
It's being imported from Vienna,just north of Columbus.
Jeremiah Smith. I actually licensed.
Oh, what's the word? I actually commissioned Jeremiah
Smith. Make a jersey.
Jeremiah Smith's grandma's knitting it for you guys right
now. So again, the reasons that we
should still be virgins are going to be nerdy things.

(05:25):
They're going to be gross thingsI have on here.
For example, one of the things that made me think of it was
Steph was opening up. I have to give one away right
away. Steph was opening up the Amazon
packages and she goes, did you order Lowry's season?
Salt via Amazon. I was like my season salt show
up. That's that's how I know I'm fat

(05:48):
as I'm like going through the Amazon things.
Most. Most people are looking for
Lions jerseys. And dude, did you order butter
from Amazon Prime? I'm like we are out.
We are fresh out of season salt.You know I stuff bought non what
do you call it? Generic brand season salt?
How was it? You want to know a picture of me
off? You cannot buy anything except

(06:10):
for Lowry season salt. So that's why I ordered it on
Amazon 'cause I, I put it on the, I put it in the sauce once
and I was like. I can't really trash.
I'm not poor. I buy Lowry.
It was it was it was like such apoor off brand that it like
didn't even close anymore it. Was like.
Clogging up the holes. Dude, even the lid sucks.
Oh my God, I hated it. Quick question for Pawn on

(06:31):
today's topic. I told you I wrote a quick
question for you and this is a multiple choice question so that
the listeners can also guess. Oh.
God feel like I'm being set up. How old how?
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Pawn do I got to answer this? So after that long bleep, I, I

(06:57):
said, OK, you know what? I'm going to make this multiple.
I'm going to make it easier. I want to make it multiple
choice. OK.
For the listeners, were you a. Touched by an.
Uncle or 16 years old from a hotmath teacher.
B14 years old and in juvenile hall or C 12 years old and it

(07:18):
was a counselor at fat camp. Oh.
My it was about seven months agoand her name was Lauren.
Hey, there you go. Same here.
I'm 2 for two, you're 2 for 2/2 for two.
I'm man. I've lied with a woman twice,
laid with a woman twice, and I have two children to show for
it. Yep.
All right. Be sure to click Subscribe.

(07:38):
It was that fat kid. Yeah, it was it.
Was definitely C be sure to click subscribe and the
notification bell and leave us afive star rating.
You can find us everywhere podcast can be found.
Remember that if you leave a review on Apple Podcast, we read
it on the air or a comment on Spotify and you can also.
Most of them say this. Sucks.
This show sucks. If you already haven't listened,

(07:58):
go back and check out our episode 59, The Reasons that
dads are the superior parent. And my favorite part, I don't
know if it's my favorite part, but the part I thought of was I
said that we have the ability toyell and women just don't have
that baritone. And I said, I said my voice is
like Panteras and stuff is like Michael Jackson's where she's
like Shamo, Steph can not yell. When Steph yells at Arson, he

(08:23):
just kind of gives her the side eyeball.
Like OK, OK. Yeah, I forgot.
She's like do it or else and he's like.
What are you going to do? You walk down the stairs?
He scrambles. Yeah.
I get into our appetizer section, Pawn said he had a

(08:44):
quick question. For me, all right, this is not
my original question. What is one crime you would
commit if it could never be committed again and you suffer
no punishments? But you have to live with
yourself. But you have to.
You have to. You have to lay your head on the
pillow at night, yes. That's a hard one.
Because if you think like, you could really help humanity out,

(09:05):
but I don't think murder is the answer.
Because some people need to be whacked.
Well, that's like the old debate.
If you had a time machine and went back in time, would you
kill? Hitler as a baby, right?
And it's essentially this. I think ethically you cannot
just kill Hitler as a baby. I think, I don't know, I would
do is I'd probably break into a Cheesecake Factory and I would
eat all that way. They could never, no robberies

(09:26):
could ever happen again. I know, I don't know.
I don't know what I would do. Maybe rob a bank 'cause I don't.
Know Peeping Tom? Oh my God.
I. Yeah, I don't know.
It's, it's a, it's actually a profound question.
Imagine you said something like heinous and horrible just now.

(09:47):
I'd be like and this episode. Is brought to you by yeah, no,
but really though, like, how farwould you go to make sure nobody
was hurt again? And I would say murders off the
table, I think bank robbery's probably the safest, 'cause
you'd benefit. And yeah, and no one really
benefits from bank robbery, Yeah.
It's like no, no one is hurt from a bank robbery.

(10:08):
Just you hope. Yeah.
Yeah, you hope. How about just like, you know,
back in our 20s when we were wild in Las Vegas just stealing
a Ferrari for the night, you know, to have like, hangover.
Part 4 Right, right, right. Probably be my answer joyride.
A person at work. Maybe doing like Mr. Chow in
Part 3 and doing a bunch of drugs and then jumping off the
ledge with a. Peace out, boy.

(10:28):
You put a hang glider on maybe something.
Like that. So, I mean, I don't know, think
about it though that that is a question that could keep you up
at night though. What about packing an election
box? What's people just shut us off
everywhere? Vote for pun.
I decided that for the appetizersection, I want to ask.

(10:50):
I'm glad Pun's asking me questions.
I'm asking him questions becauseI feel like I just talk all the
time sometimes. Yep, it's my favorite.
It's my second favorite thing todo is to talk.
I like to. I like when you talk.
I like to listen. But I like to ask questions so I
decided to call this section. I dated a girl once that got
like really sick. She went to the hospital.
God, is this story going to be funny or yeah anyway, sorry.

(11:10):
Anyhow. There's this.
Go fund me. I'm just kidding.
She's dead. No, she, she went to the
hospital and she, I don't remember what was wrong with
her, but she was real sick. She had like some kind of a
bacterial infection or somethingthat was making her like.
Loopy. Yeah.
She met you. Yeah, she got the bacterial
infection that should still be avirgin.

(11:32):
It does burn when I pee. Oh.
All right. So she was on those.
What are the drugs? What are the pain like?
The Super heavy pain pills called like.
The. They're like IV and she was like
looped. Out of her mind like morphine.
Yeah, morphine. And she's sleeping in this in
the hospital bed and she wakes up and she looks at me and she's
like breezing real deep like this.

(11:53):
And I'm waiting for something profound.
And she looks at me and she goes.
So what are your thoughts on copper?
What? And then she falls back asleep
and I was like, I don't have anythoughts.
Is she? Trading raw materials in her
sleep. I was like this girl's going
through the periodic table of elements like jealous.
High calm down Einstein. So.
I thought we can call this our what's your thoughts on copper

(12:16):
segment whenever we have quick questions.
I have a random one. Speaking of the coat thing, you
want to know what pisses me off?It's calm, actually.
It is. You know, pisses me off.
The fact that teenage boys refused to wear coats.
I bought kids, I bought my son, said my.
Son has come out of school everyday this week wearing no coat.

(12:38):
Dude I carrying it. I just, I, I had to sit down
with my son and go listen, I'm going to choke slam you if I get
one more phone call from your mom screaming at it.
He wore shorts and no coat and it was 20° shorts and his mom is
losing her mind on me. So I have a different thought.
Listen, if that kid didn't want to wear a coat, that's not you

(13:01):
want to freeze to death, that's on you, buddy.
If you want, you don't want to, you know, you know my thoughts.
I'll. Save you after you lose like one
or two toes. You get frostbite?
I'll take it. Urgent care.
That's on you. You're old enough.
To walk with a limp for the restof your life cause of 8th grade.
But I bought him this coat and then not only that, I bought him
an Ohio State coat, which I haveto put myself so far down in the

(13:22):
equation to buy that. That's pure love.
And then he just throws it on the couch downstairs and he's
just like, and we did the same damn same thing.
But I, I, I'm sorry for interrupting.
No, you're going. I, I did threaten him and say,
Hey, listen, man, I have to dealwith these phone calls from your
mom. You got to get your stuff
together. I don't want to get yelled at

(13:43):
for you. So you got to get your stuff
together. I said if the next time you do
this, you're grounded. So now I got to go home and
ground him, 'cause I said I would.
Ground the worst, it's the worst.
I do not want to ground. You want to go play basketball?
What do you want to do? You want to meet?
Now let's get a Happy Meal. A happy.
Meal. Hey, let's play, let's play.
What are you? Doing go outside and play, play
some freeze tag. This weather is that was

(14:07):
actually, I don't like to be theguy that talks about the
weather, but you know, we have listeners in a lot of states.
Michigan gets a bad rap for the winter time, but usually it's
like not bad this time of year, this weather, this weather sucks
right now. Dude.
My son, I told he came out of school the other day and then he
was wearing no coat and he's like, I was like, put your coat
on. He's like, no, I'm fine.
I was like, you're not fine. He's like, it's not even cold.

(14:28):
I was like, fine. When we get home, you're walking
the dogs around the block with no coat on all of a sudden.
And I was like, and guess what Hazel, she, she's the new dog.
She only weighs 9 lbs. She might not make.
It yeah, we might lose the soul nobody found this March.
So you and Hazel might be stuck out there.
It's just Rosie and me from hereon out.
Steph's begging you to open the door.
You're like, boys gotta learn, boys gotta learn.

(14:49):
I saw a meme at this time of year, man.
I got like the seasonal Blues. I saw a meme.
This is every night around 10:30.
I realize it's only 6:00 PM. Dude, I can't the same thing.
I mean I. Don't know if this is
sacrilegious, but could Jesus have been born in July?
I mean, I'm about to be off for two weeks.
I wish it was 9:00 light out, you know, walking shorts on.

(15:10):
Speaking of depression and what cures depression, I have.
My doctor pun. Unofficial Dr. Pepper My that's
I don't know why I said that. I have my unofficial work party
next Friday and I have no kids. I think you might be able to
find a sitter. Meet us at the unofficial.

(15:30):
We'll blow that joint and maybe we'll run the town.
We're doing the town. Gigi, if you're listening, we're
going to need you to watch our sun a week from Friday.
A week. From today, I'm going to bring
three teenagers over there with SO.
No coats, no coats, so don't even think about taking them
outside. Yeah, so maybe we run the town.
I'm down this depression. I'm down, Steph.
I want Lauren to see. The perfect depression cure.

(15:53):
I want her to see. Should we do a podcast meet up
or should it just be the four ofus?
Let's do the four of. Us let's.
Make everybody jealous I by. Saying that I have to, Yeah.
Could you imagine? I the podcast just takes over my
work Christmas party. I hope Bannister has you on Life
360. So you just.
Finds out where we are. Bannister walks in with shots
for my boss. What's up, brother?

(16:14):
You're like, Oh, no, no. For those of you who don't know
and haven't been on one of our 9innings 9 bars pub crawls,
Bannister basically runs the whole show.
With shots and his wife is rightthere in his ear.
Just working the place, just getting everybody hammered.
I. Have you ever, did you ever used
to think this when you were little about last thing I got in
the weather is like seasonal hibernation, like how bears

(16:36):
hibernate. And when you're little, you're
like, how does something do? I think I'm actually doing this
something. For some, yeah.
Now that we're older, I'm like, man, hibernation is.
It it's on my list of why I should still be origin.
Because you sleep for three months straight.
Because I go to sleep the day after Thanksgiving.
I Yeah. Get a little tryptophan in the

(16:58):
system and it takes me through February.
I have we have vacation coming up in exactly 104 days and I've
gained a few love pounds so I'm on an aggressive diet and
hibernating while you're on a diet is the worst.
No sleep. Sleeping is the best thing.
Yeah, but I'm not sleeping. I'm sitting there like, oh God,
this is this house is just. Watching commercials for ice

(17:19):
cream. I'm Googling where old country
buffets are at. Like where's there a Sweden
house? They're at Ponderosa.
Anywhere in this town. Can I get AOC beer out here?
Googling old country buffets I saw the meme that said I think I
sent that to you before when yousaid you wanted to own a Long
John Silver when you win the lottery.

(17:40):
That said. It's still open.
There's a Society of people thatare keeping Long John Silvers
open. Yes, same with Mattress Factory.
It's like who's buying a serve on from Mattress Factory not.
PS Not it. Not it.
We get into our ES and OS section from episode 59.
The reasons dads are the superior parent.

(18:01):
How about the dad uniform, the jorts and the white New Balance?
Oh, come on dude. I put that picture up for our
episode and Steve, a friend of the pod.
Steve was like, you know, he waspracticing clicking those
clicking the the meat grabbers acouple times.
What do you call those things? Tongs.
Tongs. Meat grabbers, that's my
favorite. That's just coincidentally

(18:21):
Steph's nickname. Tongs will forever be known in
the Crane household as meat grabbers.
Meat grabbers? How about if there's I said this
one but I clipped it out? How about if there is a a bug in
the house? When was the last time I, Steph
will not kill a bug? Oh no.
If there's a bug in the house. You know what I do now?
I now buy those packs of bug bombs because Jackson's

(18:43):
basements in the Jackson's bedroom is in the basement, so I
pre emptively. That way there's no bugs,
there's no excuses. I always like when everybody's
getting ready to leave the house.
I'll put a Fogger out in the basement.
I'll also do the garage. You have to be like 72 hours
with. No, that's like 1520 years ago
now. Listen now.

(19:04):
Back when the FDA wasn't. Back back when you used to worry
about no, but now they just you know, if you're not, obviously
you're not going to have any open food or you don't want like
a hoodie right next to it. But no, they're like pet
friendly even even they you don't even need to take the dog
out of the house. He.
Comes back in and just grabs an open coke off the table and just
starts to Shuck it. I'm like, dude, I don't.

(19:24):
I understand when my dog has so many tumors.
No, but so I preemptively that way because the kids are so
overly sensitive to bugs that I make sure there's no centipedes,
there's no spiders. Centipedes are good.
Spiders are good. I try to tell them I'm like,
listen, if you see a spider, leave it alone.
If you see 25 spiders, we got a problem.
Our last house was a quad, so 1 1/2 levels were underground.

(19:47):
If you're scared of centipedes, don't buy a quad because they
just live with you. You're just chilling on the
couch. There you are, and there's just
one sitting next to your shoulder.
But they're freaky looking. They are very and the way they
move. The way they move is freaky
stuff. Accident killed one because she
was alone one time and the and the other half kept going and
she I think she passed out in the bathroom for a while.
Yeah, but spiders I'd never have.
I've been trying to tell them there was a giant one above.

(20:10):
Spiders are cool man. On my awning, walking into the
house, there was a giant 1. And I'm like, listen, you
notice, like, and not a whole heck of a lot of mosquitoes.
Everything is kind of down around here.
This thing's handling. This is a patrol officer.
This guy, he's regulating the neighborhood, OK?
He's the old man who looks out the window.

(20:32):
You notice nobody's breaking into cars with Phil.
That is Phil. You leave Phil alone.
He's patrol in the neighborhood.He got no crime in.
The there's no crime in the neighborhood.
So funny dude, who cares? Spiders are awesome.
They're not. I had a buddy.
This guy's got a snake behind him.
You got to take this. That's what a great.
Splashy poo. I would never own a spider, but

(20:53):
they are cool. I had a friend, Nate, in high
school that had a tarantula and I was like, that's pretty cool.
And then we went out cocktailingone night, little underage, so I
had to stay the night at his house.
I'm like sleep. I was quote sleeping on his
floor. But all I did was stare at that
cage all night. I was.
Like. I was like, don't you even think
about escaping that cage? Dude.
Hey, I ain't Marvin Harry, All right?

(21:14):
You went crawling to my face. Why do you have a cinder block
next to the bed handy? Well, just in case that guy
needs to get smashed. Trevor gets out the cage, you
know? What Steph does, if there's a
bug in the house and I'm not around, she leaves.
I don't think I've ever said this on the podcast before.
She grabs a cereal bowl. And she just covers it.
She. Covers it on the ground.
I'll come home. I used to come home from work
and there'd be a bowl on the ground with like 7 books stacked

(21:36):
up on top of the bowl. You know, she just like
suffocates it slowly to death. It can't get out.
Dude, the bug is miserable. Like dude, just step on me or
not. Yeah, just kill.
Please kill me. Stop on me.
It's like it's lips are up against the edge just trying to
get oxygen. Please God, what kind of evil
human are you? The last you know I have is we

(21:58):
talked the other day about reasons for revolution.
I think that was episode 58. And we talked about prohibition.
Did you know how long Prohibition was?
I said. I said if we didn't revolt when
they took away booze. Can I guess?
Yeah, I'm going to say. Three years, I guessed.
Three to four years. We're way off.
It's going to be way. Longer prohibition was from 1919

(22:19):
till 1933. Oh my, for 14 years it you go to
jail if. You were caught.
That's a smelly teenager. If you were caught with with a
Mickey's wide mouth 40. Dude, whoa.
That's a smelly teenager. Can you believe that?
14 years without a St. Ives 40 oz.
I don't know what I would do. I know.

(22:40):
That's the old Saint Ives special brews, man.
So there was like that. So I guess that's how I mean,
that was big business. Running booze was big business.
All those old gangster films about Capone, that was all
because of running booze. If we lived back then, I'd be a
booze runner. No.
Yeah, OK, Ask me the question again.
What? What law I'd break if
prohibition existed? I would have been Capone's right
hand man. All right, get into our sports

(23:03):
section, Pawn. Well, we, we got to go Ohio
State, Michigan for a while, butI heard a, a crazy thing that I
never thought about Hakim Elijah, and this is Stephen A
Smith. Hakim, Elijah.
Stephen A. But he does work on my nerves.
He works on my nerves. Yes, Hakim Elijah is so good

(23:23):
that nobody ever mentions that he was drafted before Michael
Jordan. Nobody.
What a compliment that nobody goes.
Dude, how dumb were the Rockets?Alajuan, if he played today,
would be even better. Oh my God.
I mean, I think everybody, everybody would be even better
if you couldn't hand check Jordan when they eliminated,

(23:43):
actually I think they eliminatedthe hand track because.
Of because of Jordan. Yeah, because he cried a lot.
Imagine how good Bird would. Have been, yeah.
Oh my God. But Elijah Wan was like, way
ahead of his time. Like I, I would not, I don't,
man. If you forced me to pick the
greatest center of all time, I, I I won't even do that because
that's a debate for a different.Time but I'm I'm very

(24:04):
interested. I will never.
Fight somebody who puts Hakeem up there.
I think Hakeem is. Shaq is the most physically
dominant. Yeah, for me.
But Hakeem used to work Shaq. He beat him in the finals.
Dude I mean Hakeem was AI don't think people.
Although Shaq was pretty small if you look at Shaq in his
Orlando Magic days. Oh, he was.

(24:25):
He was like your size, but he wasn't.
No, he was still like 280. You say you're on a diet, bro, I
am. Yeah, so oh, what else?
Do I? I think you can answer anything
as long as your answer isn't Bill Russell.
Like enough enough guys. I've just had enough.
Even Will Chamberlain. And will, Will and Bill don't

(24:47):
count. I'm sorry.
Kareem. Now, Kareem.
Kareem played in the. 80s but hewas a power forward more than a
centre. I saw a really interesting stat
on Kareem he held. I don't it's I have it here
somewhere. Kareem Abdul Jabbar, listen to
this. Kareem Abdul Jabbar held the NBA
all time scoring record for 39 years until LeBron James just
beat him for it. Guess how many 3 pointers he

(25:09):
hit? 01.
He hit 1/3 pointer. In his entire.
Career in a game that had three pointers and he was the all time
leading scorer? That's insane.
Didn't they ban dunks because ofKareem Lou Alcindor?
He could. You couldn't dunk.
They changed it. Might have been that might have
been because of Wilt I. Don't know.
Scored that 100. How do we ask Siri?

(25:30):
Hey, Siri. So let's talk Michigan football.
I was texting pun during the game.
I said something along these lines.
I don't have it here. I said, hey, you tell your son.
Oh yeah, He chose this because he's, what, 12?
13 He's about to be 13. He's about to be thirteen, so
he's 12 right now. So the first time, he's probably

(25:51):
not even old enough to remember Ohio State ever beating. 2019
which would have made him what, 7?
So he's cheering for a team thathas never beat Michigan.
And I said to pun. Tell him I was joking with you,
but I was serious. He's it's not too late for him.
Pun. I tried the sales.
Baptize him into the So MichiganMafia.
You know, the past two years I've shaved his head and this

(26:13):
was because that's the bet he makes in like, as bad as I feel
about it, if you shake on a bet you have to honor.
But if you spit on your hand first.
If he doesn't honor a bet like you know, that's a big problem.
You, you can't don't give your word and not hold up to it.
But this year, he made this guy's bet.
He's so dumb he could have it. Wasn't a shaved head this?

(26:35):
Year it was he if Ohio State won, he got new Yeezy slides,
which all the cool kids are wearing, right.
Oh my God, I hate society. I would have bought them anyways
from they're like 70 bucks. The thing is, listen to our
packets. Yeah, I know.
He'll never know. I would have put them on the
Christmas list, but he goes if Ohio State wins, you buy me the
new Yeezy slides for school. He thought it was a layoff.

(26:57):
That's my. Layout.
So then I go, OK, but what what do I get?
And he's like, you can shave my head.
I was like, can I shave your head?
Like Doctor Phil with the balls?So he agrees.
No, we agreed so. How have I not seen a picture?
Of this yet I've told him, well,because I haven't done it yet,
but I'll tell you why. So I like halfway through, I

(27:17):
think we were up 7 Nothing. Dude, he's I sent you the
picture. The reason my dad's a superior
parent right here. They should have been an easy
nose because they're willing to make bats with their.
Kids so I'm telling them this whole time not being quiet, you
know, and I can see the panic starting to set as they're not
blowing the doors off us and I tell them at a certain point

(27:39):
you. Just put an episode of Doctor
Phil on TV too. At a certain point, I can see
like panic setting and I go, hey, listen man, all you have to
do when we scored and took the lead in the fourth quarter, I
think they got the ball back with like 6 minutes left or
something. Yeah, whatever it was, that
drive was glorious. So I, I go listen man, all you
have to do, I'll forget this andit no, like it's not too late to

(28:00):
join Michigan. Take your shirt off, step on it,
and just pledge your allegiance to to Michigan.
Come on and we'll accept. You bend the knee.
We'll listen. We, well, we'll welcome you into
the Kingdom. We're the kings of the North.
We're the kings of the North, brother.
Bend the knee. Just come join us.
You and your direwolf can come on over.
Here he he was this good, he thought.
He thought, how did you give up on that?

(28:21):
Keep working on it I. Worked and worked and fine.
You got to play like the Bryce Underwood angle.
Sorry I cut you off. No, that's OK.
This guy was like, no, you can just cut my hair.
So because he's in the midst of an undefeated basketball season
and he keep. Working on it, now is the time
he goes. Dad, I swear, do you think I'll

(28:43):
honor the bet? But do you think you could just
wait till after basketball season so I don't get roasted by
everybody? And me being a softie, I was
like, I'll tell you what, if youdon't have any minuses, no B.
Plus, if you have straight A's all the way down, I'll just give
you a buzz cut. Pun I'll.
Just. You know what pisses me off?

(29:05):
Pun has the perfect opportunity right here in front of you.
Him converting to a Michigan fanis way more important than
grades, you know? I actually agree with you.
I agree with you. Think about this is the reason
why pawn. Think about the elation that you
felt when Michigan when that LastPass was incomplete and
Michigan won the game. Oh my God.

(29:25):
Now imagine embracing your only son during this time and he's
equally as happy. You, you ever notice, like, can
you think of a time where you know, you're pushing too hard or
like you're talking to a girl and maybe you're being a little
too pushy? You're like, I gotta back off.
She's starting, She's starting to not like me right now.
I need to shut up. Yeah, that you just.
Described all my 20s and you're like.

(29:47):
Well, I need to back up. Yeah, No, that I was I was I was
gaining traction. Gaining traction.
And then he pushed back and I realized the if I the more I
pushed after that, I was, I was you got to massage the thing
the. Thing about it pun is.
Not your not your son. Don't massage your son gently.
The situation the. Situation.

(30:09):
The reason that the fact that you pushed it back gives you
time to, like I know, consistently work on this.
Play the Bryce Underwood angle. Play the hey, play pun, play the
jump man. Angle oh, Bryce Underwood, I've
been I listen that he's. Going to want to wear the
jumpman stalker. Does is Ohio State jumpman or
no? Are they?
Ohio State's a Nike school, Yeah.
But not Jumpman or as Nike Jump man.

(30:31):
No, I don't. They don't have the.
Job, they're not on Jump, right?No, sell them on that.
But we're back to Nike too. I don't think we wear much do
Jump, man. We don't, I don't think so.
I mean we wear the Jordan shoes,but most of our stuff is Nike.
You gotta work on a pun. That's like, unacceptable.
I'm working on. It's been 12 years.
What do you think? I'm done laying down here.
I'm working, I'm playing chess. I I put on Facebook, be a good

(30:55):
parent and raise your kids to beMichigan fans.
No, I'm trying. Because not just you, I'm
talking about everybody. Failure.
For all my all of our listeners that are Michigan State fans
locally, front of the pod, Kyle,I'm not sure why he's a Michigan
State fan. He is wife of the pod, my wife,
not yours. She graduated from Michigan

(31:17):
State. I said, hey, you raise your kids
because the reason why isn't because I'm saying Michigan's
better than Michigan State. PS We are.
We are. It's because you need to.
They need to experience the game.
There's nothing like it. Michigan State fans cannot
understand it. You know, when in that game
Saturday, I guess we kind of know a Russo felt like when he

(31:37):
watches the movie Rudy, it's like.
I mean I put. Down we were just a wee.
Little guy it was. That was one of the most
unbelievable wins ever. It was Michigan beat Ohio State
without a quarterback. Michigan didn't beat Ohio State.
Ryan Day beat Ohio. That was the most atrocious.
You know, he yelled. A team meeting.
I talked to my buddy Paul, friend of the pod Paul.
He lives down in Toledo, marriedto one of my best friends.

(31:59):
I was gracious after the game and said you ready for a little
chirping yet? How you over there buddy?
How you feeling? And I think that they're ready
to run Ryan Day out of there with, like, pitchforks.
Yeah, they are. Because that was despicably
awful. Well, the crazy thing is, like
he had when they went hurry up and they scored a touchdown at
the end of the half, there was nothing wrong.
I was like, oh, it's. Over every single Michigan fan
went We're about to get blown out in the second.

(32:20):
Here we go. I almost bet it.
And he couldn't because Jim Harbaugh emasculated him for
three years. He could not, that man said.
We have two first round NFL defensive tackles and he was
like, let's run up the A. Moron.
Dude Kenneth Grant and Mason Graham were so good they were
filling 2 gaps. They were filling the A and the

(32:42):
BS. They were like getting blocked
by a guy and B shedding him and smacking the running back.
And the Graham is so. Good dude.
He might be the one-on-one in the NFL.
Ryan Day was like, you know whatI'm going to do?
I'm gonna just keep running. It's crazy.
He just don't understand. He.
He was mind aft he got caught upin the hole.

(33:02):
Whoever runs for more yards winsthe game.
Yep, and he just tried, tried, tried and failed.
Failed dude has 345 NFL wide receivers.
When Mullings went up on that third and four and.
We were. Oh, and he.
Bounced out, bounced out. Oh but I knew I haven't screamed
that loud during the game and cheered.
I think my my hand hit the ceiling of my living room pond.
I was going bananas. Me too, and my son was sitting

(33:24):
there holding his head when AlexOrgy bounced.
Missed out for 20 yards or whatever.
You broke up that run. The funny thing is that if
you're not a fan, that game was unwatchable.
It was horrible, yeah. Talking to a Co worker, mine was
a state fan. He's like that was the most
boring game I ever watched. Yeah, for.
Me, buddy. He's a Michigan fan.
It was. That Patrick O'Leary catch that
third down the white receiver. Oh, you don't say?

(33:46):
Yeah. That guy's name's O'Leary.
But there were moments in that game where I I was being very
cautious with talking junk to Jackson because I was like.
So it's Patrick O'Leary, not Desean O'Leary.
Not Rayquan O'Leary. I'll delete all of this out of
there. Yeah, it it was probably very

(34:08):
unwatchable if you weren't an Ohio State fan.
Wink Martindale, our defensive coordinator.
Listen, the first sick up until the Oregon game.
It's like he owns a rape fan. That guy is creepy looking.
Yeah, he was keeping them in zone and he just, he, he would
not allow the receivers to get behind them like they were
trying to pass. I think they were keeping in

(34:30):
front. They were past their past
percentage was like 61. No, they passed on on 61% of
their plays. It seems like they ran a lot.
They did. They passed 61% of the plays.
I would have guessed they ran 70%.
That's how good his schemes were.
Yeah, you. But you know, to beat a zone,
you gotta have like short underneath accurate routes and
and Will Howard just wasn't do it, just couldn't do it.

(34:52):
I mean, there is a lot of pressure in that game.
Too, And it was cold as hell andhe got concussed.
He got smacked in the mouth, Yeah.
He I can't believe they left himin there.
Like, do we do? Do people care about head
injuries in sports or no? I mean, they if you play
football in general, we don't care about your health or you
wouldn't be playing football. Yeah, I mean.
I mean, it's a violent. It's the.
Worst. It's worse than boxing, it's
worse than MMA. It's so violent.

(35:14):
Go ask Trevor Lawrence, who's head bounced off Ryan Day four
years ago, said he was going to hang 100 on us.
And he's only, what, 23 points away from that?
Yeah, he's 16 points away in four years.
Four years. He hung 84 / 4 years when he
went O and four, I wrote down here the only member of the 2021
recruiting class at Ohio State to beat Michigan.

(35:36):
Do you know who it is? Because they didn't beat us.
No one. Quinn Ewers, who transferred to
Texas. Those kids haven't beaten us,
Jack. What's his nuts?
The linebacker. Sawyer.
Jack Sawyer. He said defensive end, isn't he?
I thought he's a linebacker, maybe he's a defensive end.
He went all, he went full on LeBron like 3 years ago and was
like we're not going to win fivetitles, six titles, seven

(35:57):
titles. Talking about Oh my God, punt.
It was just so glorious. None of our quarterbacks have
completed a pass for 40 plus yards in their career.
That all changes next year. The last thing I got to say
about the game is the security guards afterwards when we
planted the flag. Pepper spray and Michigan
players only. That's insane.

(36:17):
I I. Think those were police
officers? There were reporters that were
getting pepper spray. It's not like they were.
Those guys were acting like theywere in a little vessel.
They were just like blasting thewhole crew.
Let me tell you something. You know who's there?
I thought about this after the fact.
You know who, who, what? Their job is to protect the
players from the fans. Their job is not to break up a

(36:39):
scrum between two teams. Yeah, they're not paid.
No, that's to do. That's the refs and that's the
code. That's insane, but that hasn't
gotten more attention that they were pepper spraying college
boys. You're talking about a 100 or 85
kids versus 85 kids plus another20 on each side.
You're talking about a 2A, potentially 200 person tussle

(37:01):
the cops kind of have to interview.
But it's not their job. I know, but who the Hell's job
is? It I mean, maybe they were
spraying both sides and the OhioState players are just so they
put that pepper spray on all their food.
They're used to it, hey? You know who, Greg?
And I were just talking off air.We do want to do a February meet
up for the Snowsuit Pub crawl. Oh, it's my birthday too.

(37:22):
We could do a pun. What day is your birthday?
The 13th. Lottie.
Freaking die, Lottie. Freaking die.
We could do a winter blast. I'm talking snow suits.
Hell yeah. Are those yours?
Both of them. There's no way I'm not sleeping
outside that night, dude. We got to make snow angels.

(37:43):
I already got Steph brought me home some Patagonia snowsuit
this hands from. Picture the scene.
It's like 9:00 at night. It's a half desolate Detroit St.
It's snowing, the street lights are on in the background and you
just catch a 40 mile an hour snowball in the face.
Bam. And it's Bannister.
Go do another shot. No picture of this scene.

(38:05):
You You and your girlfriend on anice romantic date.
It's maybe it's your anniversary.
Are we sledding? Not you.
It's just somebody else. Somebody else pawning the bar.
They're sitting at the Grand Trunk on Woodward.
OK, it's a good place. Have a nice little time and all
of a sudden they hear. The snow pants.
You hear a bunch of snow pants approach.
You're like drinking wine and you're like, what is this?

(38:27):
Drunken assholes turn the corner.
Wear full snow suits. If somebody can get a pun and
ball rod. My goggles are so fogged I'm
getting hit by an Uber. On Woodward ski goggles. 100%
where? Ski goggles, yeah.
We're doing a fat. OK, so we're doing a fat Yeah.
Like yeah, we should do early because it still snows quite a

(38:48):
bit. INFO Or should we do late
January? I'm down for whatever whatever
works for our schedules. Let's look and see how the
weather's trending. I do want snow on the ground.
I want this to be a difficult track, like people to be like,
oh, I don't know what's so rude.Shut up, it's dumb.
Has. Anyone seen senti?
I think we lost it about 1/2 an hour ago.
Like, yeah, I want, I want a nice winter blast.

(39:11):
That'd be fun. I'm so doubt.
And stuff's going to be like, we're going for Christmas this
year. I'm like, all right, I need
these goggles. I need a snow suit.
I need all. Right, it's list time, baby, and
this week's list is the reasons we should still be virgins.
I just put a couple notes on here before we get into the
list. Pun OK, I think it's a well
known fact. That you are not a virgin.

(39:35):
My mom listened to this podcast,so I'm telling you I'm 2 for
two. 2 for two. That's it.
Both times you've had sex, you've had children.
And it's right, Blessing. It's been a hey, God's.
Blessing. And it was after your wedding
too. It was after my wedding even
though my daughter was three at my wedding, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no. The dates round right?
Who marries up? More frequently, men marry up or
women marry up. Who?
To more attractive people. I would say men marry up.

(39:59):
If we're talking, I'm amazing. You had to put that much thought
into it. Strictly, strictly based on
physical appearance, I would say.
Based on a percentage, 99% of men marry at more attractive
people because we are just ugly.That's.
True. Yeah, that's true.
We are objectively ugly. How many couples can you name
when you're like, oh, are you married down?

(40:19):
Yeah, no. She's ugly, a sin, but a sweet
gal and a hell of a good cook. I actually don't know any
because if he's if she's objectively ugly, which we
shouldn't even be doing this, but if she's.
Don't want to be around him. If she's objectively ugly, he's
probably objectively ugly, and if she's objectively hot, he's
probably objectively still ugly.I mean, so it's like even, you

(40:42):
know, either way. Your intellect is dizzying.
Thank you. Thank you all.
Right what you got pun? What are the nerdy or disgusting
reasons why you should still? Be, I mean if you have ever
researched a photo of me in my teen years, I look like Chunk
from the Goonies. There's absolutely no reason a
girl should have ever let me tuther touch her butt ever.

(41:04):
No girl should have ever been like I want to hold hands with.
That with chunk there's. No reason.
That's why I developed a personality.
I was like, I'm not going to getgirls based solely on how I
look. I got to make them laugh or
they're never, ever going to invite me.
Back Well that's actually I don't have my again not in any
particular order, but mine is onhere and says funny people

(41:24):
cannot be romantic. It's like impossible.
It's. I think Lauren would attest.
Because they're like, let's do something like, you see, people
like doing these, sweet and romantic and sexy.
Things. Hey, King.
Hey, you Queen. I can't do it.
I giggle the whole time. Queen.
I giggle the whole time anytime I try to do something.
I can do something sweet and nice for Stephanie, Yes, for

(41:46):
sure. But if I try to be like romantic
and sexy. Well.
It doesn't even make sense to. Me.
No. I think I'm like, hey there.
If you're being authentic, yeah,If you're being authentic, that
can be sweet and sexy. But if you're like, going into
the situation going, I'm going to be sweet and sexy.
It looks cringy. It looks awkward.
Yeah. Like, this is not.

(42:07):
Why are you trying to be so suave?
But there are people that only do, there are people that do
that and it's so creepy. To me, yeah, yeah.
No, I'm, I'm not. I'm not like a movie sweet guy,
but I do. But I I do nice things that I
think probably she thinks are sweet.
Thank God for nice things 'causeI think that movies make us feel

(42:27):
like we're supposed to be doing these, like we're supposed to be
embracing them in the downfall. Of rain off a Ferris wheel like
Lauren I love you both of our weight for both of our.
Examples at the same exact time.We're both from the notebook.
Mine was the scene where they'rein the rain and.
Mine was saying, you know the this is how you know we should

(42:50):
be virgins 'cause our idea of relationships comes from the.
Notebook we should either be virgins or we should be dating
each other 'cause that was the best thing we've ever said.
Dude, what's your first? That is so funny.
How about I'm a nerd pun? I am into fantasy fiction stuff.
I had I dated a girl for many years who used to do the voice.

(43:12):
I think she did it before South Park's sister started going.
So you're going to read those dragon books?
If there's a dragon in the book,I want to read it.
If there's a wizard, I want to read it.
Doesn't that make you more attractive to girls though?
Because it's like you're not outjust.
Listening to Pitbull and. Throwing rails and like coming

(43:32):
home with strippers. Yeah, I'm sitting there playing
D&D with my dirty friends. Staff's never like, hey, where's
Andy? Because it like flashes forward
to you sitting in Indian style in front of the TV watching a
documentary about dinosaurs. I love it all, man.
Game of Thrones was like the pinnacle of all nerds.
Yeah, all these board games I'm playing with my nephews, Hero

(43:53):
Quest, Gloom Haven, all these things that should be absolute
virgin qualities. But isn't it weird as you get
older you're like, Oh my God, the nerds have always been the
coolest kid. And they rule the world.
And they rule the world, rule the world.
Like you grow up. Like, man, I want to be part of
the cool. Like I, I hope that I'm cool.
And then as like as you get older, sometime in your teens,

(44:15):
you kind of figured out where you're like, wait, the cool kids
are the cool kids. Yeah, they are.
Reprehensibly. The nerdy kids are actually
awesome. Dude that guy always makes me
laugh. I love that.
NPS There was some kid getting wedgies in in middle school,
school, in high school, and thenhe went on to invent World of
Warcraft and he's like, hey guys, guess what, I'm worth $90
billion. Yeah, the nerds have always been
the cool kids. So the first time I ever had

(44:37):
girls come over and I was like, what DVD you want to watch?
And right up in the front was Willow.
No, not Willow. Nothing.
The Prince's bride. Nothing.
Dries up Labyrinth. I was like a date.
This might not. Yeah, this might not end the way
I had anticipated it ending. You want to watch the Notebook
instead, He said, hanging off ofFerris wheel.

(45:00):
I said, kissing in the rain. It was perfect.
So perfect. All right, so my next one is I,
I I still like playing video games and I play college
football mainly. Like this just happened the
other night. I'm on my way home, long day
beat and I there's I, there's nothing more.
I want them to go home and just like take a shower, throw some

(45:23):
sweats on and I walk in the doorand Lauren's standing there
wearing something appealing. And I'm like, dude, what?
My am dude, my Steph, you clip that clip that part.
Out, Steph, we got to fix some stuff around here.
Put that whole part out. No way.
Yes, you're absolutely 5. And my thought is like the whole

(45:48):
drive home, instead of thinking about that, I was thinking about
playing Toledo versus Buffalo incollege football instead of my
smoking hot girlfriends. Versus Bulls.
No, I dude, I really want to rebuild Ferris State from the
ground up. I want, I mean I want to get a
five star defensive tackle in there.
Right. And meanwhile, she had the
complete opposite. And she had the complete

(46:10):
opposite. And you were probably quite
embarrassed. And I walked in.
I didn't even tell her she I hope she doesn't listen to this.
This one right? Because she still doesn't know.
Because her idea was like, I'm going to get home and we're
going to have fun. And I'm like, move, Madden 25 is
coming. I'm going to recruit some kid
named O'Leary to play linebackerfor me.
What what I was going to say is that like games like what was

(46:31):
the one that was like the first person shooter?
Where the world keeps shrink? Fortnite.
Is that it Fortnite? Is that the one where it?
Keeps Call of Duty does. That Call of Duty does that like
those ones like ruin they. Ruin really shit.
People stay up all night long doing that.
Same with World of Warcraft. Which I don't think is a problem
if every like you have to make your day longer to do that

(46:52):
because you can't let your housework fade, you can't let
your work fade, you can't let your attention to her fade.
You have to make sure you're still handling your business
problem. Is that they play all night, so
you end up exhausted and you endup do.
Anything then it's a relationship killer.
I don't think if you do it in play, like Lauren likes to read,
I like to play. I like to build up Buffalo, so

(47:15):
in her time, while she's like, you know, sometimes she wants to
decompress too and doesn't want to hear my stupid mouth.
So it's perfect, so. Then you're working on Marshall
Thundering Herd. Perfection.
I put on there like I don't do video games anymore.
I like to play old school retro stuff with my son, but those
aren't like long haul games. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Long form. So long form.
So we're playing like Punch Out or Mega Man.

(47:35):
But what I do is fantasy sports.It doesn't take a ton of your
time, but I'm always scrolling on your free agency pickups and
stuff like this. But aside from that, it's just
sports in general. Like Jennifer Aniston could want
to have sex with me. If the Lions win the Super Bowl.
I'd be like, listen, this has towait.
Yep, that's one of. Them, I mean like there are
sporting events in the year and hey Jen, you mind going to the

(47:59):
other room real quick? Hey, Jen, the ball games.
I can't hear Chris Collinsworth over.
Here, Troy Aikman's making a call.
So like, there's like sporting events in my life that I do not
sacrifice. They are priority on the
calendar year. That probably should have
affected my ability to have a girlfriend at some point in
time. Yeah, that's on my list coming
up in in in a version of that. What else you got?

(48:20):
You want me to go again? Or you?
I'll. I'll piggyback off that one.
There's zero reason I should currently have a girlfriend.
Not only like in like right now because you want to know what my
pastime is. If I'm not coaching my kids
sport, my favorite thing on earth is to sit in the stands
and watch him play and always whisper things like I would

(48:41):
smack them little kids because these are 12 year old kids, by
the way. All right, Do you understand
what I would do to little Robertif I got out there?
I would rock that kid. And I like Lauren looks at me
sometimes like, oh. What a creep.
What a creep, no? Watch.
You're living vicariously through the.
Game No, not really. I mean, I'm being funny on that,
but I like that's my favorite thing is to like be there and

(49:04):
watch my kid bust his butt and earn his stripes and and get
better. And it's like just but that's an
attractive. Quality though, that's you, a
non virgin. OK, I I just think of it
different. Like if I was a girl would I
want to date somebody where our date was like like 3 hours
sitting on bleachers watching a game?
Yeah, that's. True.
You know what I mean? Like.

(49:25):
That's why you are silently living vicariously.
While I am. Yeah, Well, yeah.
I was running Sam linebacker down there.
Well, that's how the dads talk. The dads like why?
Why aren't they pressing? Why aren't they pressing?
I don't understand right now. How about the reason I should
still be a virgin pawn is because of Magic Johnson?
Oh, you got AIDS? Do you remember how scared of

(49:49):
age you were in the 90s? Yeah, like where you thought
scab to scab. Like you're like if I'm in gym
class and somebody scab runs against me, I'm getting AIDS and
die. Dead.
Yes, you're gonna combust. We also just showed our age
'cause there are lots of people listening.
Like what? What was the AIDS scare with
Magic Johnson? I know, right.
So I think I was like when he what?
Do you have any idea what year? Yeah, he he was like 9192.

(50:13):
I was 10. Yeah, yeah.
But that lasted for four or five.
Six. Years and it became like an
epidemic with lacking social media like.
That actually was called the aidemic.
So it didn't. Actually, like become like, it
was an epidemic. People were dying.
I saw Philadelphia. What a great movie.
I remember there was like a showcalled Life Goes On, you know,

(50:35):
with Corky. Oh.
Life goes on, yeah. And like the girl had a
boyfriend or something. I like vaguely remember that he
like came down with HIV positive.
They were doing that a lot in sitcoms.
Yeah, like after the magic Jonathan thing and we were all
terrified of AIDS. Yeah, I was like, well, I guess

(50:56):
I'm going to be a virgin forever.
Like we thought. And then we grow up and we were
like, AIDS might be worth it. Yeah, AIDS, not so much.
HIVI can beat that. I for sure can be a job.
In handy, but I got some plasticwrap.
Oh my. Hey, you know what's crazy is
that is no that if, if women wanted to know what having male

(51:17):
testosterone is like, that joke right there encompasses it, all
of it, 'cause you're like AIDS is a thing.
I hope she don't have it. It's like, yeah, you're like,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna go in, boys.
Yo, 11, roll the dice. Yeah.
So that that's why I used to be a virgin, because I just
remember being so scared of thatstuff.

(51:39):
Yeah. All right.
What you got, pun? Here's a very real 1 is I'm very
socially awkward. I know people say that's
bullshit. And maybe I'm, I'm very socially
awkward and I do this weird thing where I laugh, where I rub
my hands or I rub my beard and Iget excited like a giddy little
kid. It's it's very should it should
make a woman the Sahara desert with the way I rub my face, it

(52:03):
should just dry all life it. Is funny because you look pun
looks like he's how to put this lightly.
You look like yeah, you can't say that.
I can't say that. Yeah.
So it's funny because if we would have had a videographer at
the 9 innings, 9 bars pub crawl,I actually noticed because not

(52:25):
only were you around a group of people that you didn't know the
majority of the people, Yeah, you were also on a first date.
Yes. With the now love of your life.
Yeah. So pun was like, I'm over here,
I'm talking to Santi and Steve. I'm rubbing my hands, I'm over
here. So hey, Lauren.
Hey, rubbing. My beard, yes, it's it's a
quirk. I I.
Noticed that you were like a nervous wreck.
A nervous wreck I was. Like trying to have
conversations with you at one point and you were just like

(52:46):
fading into the wall. Yeah, I because my.
You were like walking backwards,so all I heard was like your
voice, just like. Fading away, dude, I'm telling
you. How about this one?
I got a gross one that I guess Icould do.
If it's bad, you just cut it. It's not bad Yeah, I so I don't
like, I don't dig all the way upto my skull pond, but I do pick

(53:08):
at my. Nose I'm a nose picker too.
This is awesome. You know, why do we just become
best friends? Yep, hey, guess what we're doing
after this? Watching The Notebook without a
box of tissues. I think I must have gotten made
fun of or something in grade school that I am so paranoid

(53:29):
that something's hanging out of my nose at all times.
Me too. You're never going to see me at
a traffic light. Like I can't stand when I pull
up next to dudes and they're like up to their 9th knuckle.
I'm like, dude, you're going to actually make yourself like
you're going to have a close head injury if you go any deeper
in your nose. I just go around the periphery.
Something that. I wish you guys could see what
he's doing right now. Something that you would be able

(53:51):
to maybe see. I could just go like this real
quick and yeah, make sure my nose is clear.
Just to clean off. And if there's something there?
Little cocaine. I'm just pulling it out.
Yeah, I'm not going to go get a tissue and do it the proper way.
I'm just, I'm just going to get it out of there.
Pun. Listen, you know.
And then I'm flicking it at my son.
This. This is going to be really
gross. There's nothing more satisfying
than like, when you rub your nose to make sure it's clean and

(54:12):
you feel a big one in there. Yeah.
And you're like, Oh yeah, I I'm getting, I can't wait to get
that one. I'm saving that one till I get.
Feeling is like if you were say you're driving to work and you
do it and you're like, wow, thatwould have been.
That would have been a hanger. A hanger and it would have been
interesting situation for me. You know what else I do
constantly is I always check to see if my flies down.
I must like, oh, I do find a grade school of that too.

(54:33):
Why do we do the same thing? I do that all the time.
I don't like check the whole flybecause I don't like you're
playing with yourself. 'Cause you got a third leg and
you don't want it hanging out. I thought I would.
All say Stephanie's a lucky girl.
She's a lucky. I just grab the very top of it
and just if I feel the zipper soit almost looks like I'm itching
my waist. See, I try to do it sly and I
just rub across like I'm just like.

(54:54):
Punch as you slide. Just playing pocket.
Pool just stop. 8 ball corner pops. 86 times in a row, up and
down just to make sure the old zipper.
All right, so now that I know, we know we're both nose pickers,
we're both terrified of AIDS andnerds is ruling the world.
What do you got, Pun? My next one is.
Actually, we were also saying that funny people can't be
romantic, so our lists are basically the same.
Do you know how many funny romantics out there are like

(55:16):
falling over? Like how dare, How dare him?
None of them, Because you can't.Be both insult me and my baby.
My next. One more and call each other
baby. No, I would punch you right in
the throat next Friday after after your Christmas party.
No, she's she's, she has a senseof humor.
And we're both not cringy people.
We're not. What do you call her?
Like Steph's babe. Every girl I've ever.

(55:36):
I say babe too. Occasionally I'll say darling if
I'm trying to be like funny slash endearing.
Mine is my love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, darling.
I'm trying to be endearing my love, but I think, no offense to
my wife, but I've called every girl I've ever dated babe.
Oh yeah, you shouldn't have saidthat.
I've cut that on. Clipping that out, we'll just.
Take that to the grave. But it's Lauren's very like

(55:57):
feminine. She's very girly.
So it's it wouldn't be awkward if we did do baby, but I'm not,
that's not my style. It's it's she's very girly girl,
but that's just not I'm not like, hey, baby, baby, Oh baby.
Could you hand me that chip? Why did I turn?
Chinese say it. That's how she would say it.

(56:19):
See why funny people can't be romantic?
Yeah, see. So that I don't know why it
turned Chinese. How about the creepiest thing?
This isn't on my list but piggybacking off that one.
How about when? Like I don't know if I can
offend people I hope, but when girls call their boyfriends
daddy? Oh yeah, I mean, unless.
I don't want to hear it unless Idon't.

(56:40):
Want to hear it? If Laura, she's against the
wall, that's too much. Sorry.
That's. Too much, too fast.
That's too fast. Escalated real quick, yeah.
Ponzi got the reason I just toldyou a version because I got
these handcuffs right line with fuzz.
Officer Crane reported. I told you I was a officer,

(57:01):
police officer in Transformers 3, so I told Steph I could bring
this costume if I could sneak itout of here.
You're trying to catch a felony.Ball on not my back isn't strong
enough to hold that bulletproof vest up all day.
But this is where funny people is you, you like, you're doing
the role-playing as a cop. And instead of being sexy, Yeah,
like, are we 5? You like whacker with the club.
You're like, get on, Steph. You just racer.

(57:24):
She's gonna watch. Steph catches the blackjack
back. She's running.
I just hand comforted the bed and go downstairs and watch the
Lions game. This is not how I thought this
was going to go. I thought, this is going to be
the sexiest thing I've ever done.
There's no way I would mess withher way too much.
And now everyone now sees why weshould still be virgin.

(57:46):
Exactly. All right.
What you got? I think you're up.
My next, I think this is my lastone, is I actually don't like
leaving the house when you now we've talked about this when
when you when I do get out of the house, I end up having the
time of my life. But getting out of the house I
should still be a virgin becauseI shouldn't be in the scenarios
to meet a girl because I'm stillin my house.

(58:08):
Because you're a shut in. I just want to stay away from
humans. Were you like this always or
because I was never like? This.
I wasn't like this. COVID COVID gave me like this
anxiety of plans like right now next Friday, I'm excited to go
see you guys. After, but you're going to dread
it. All day Friday I'm going how are

(58:29):
the roads? Yeah, I thought it's so weird.
We talked about this before. I don't know when mine started,
but I still over commit to things where like you'll say a
cool idea and I'm like hell yeah.
And then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday I'm like I I don't
like to logistically is just notgoing to work.
I don't know, like me and other people, it's not gonna work.

(58:49):
I was talking to somebody at work.
I was talking to a woman at workand I was talking about the same
thing. And she's like, ever since
Covad, I don't like to leave my house either.
She's like my she's like my husband and my will be at a
party or at some event and I'll look at my watch.
I'll be like, are these people crazy?
It's do they not realize it's 7:00?
You wanna start drinking early? Start drinking at 9.
Are you insane? It's like anxiety riddling but I

(59:11):
think that's a normal. It's weird because it happened.
Maybe the time of our lives was during COVID, but I think it's
normal. I think it's normal getting
older. Because I mean, a lot of my days
are insanely long as every otheradult on earth is in like,
there's nothing more gratifying than having a long productive
day, showering, putting sweats on and sitting on that couch

(59:32):
with that initial sit. When you first sit, you're like.
And then you hit the recliner backwards.
Oh man, come on. So come on, So good.
Dinner may or may not be like it's it's either about to be
done or you've eaten it and now you're sitting down, man.
Either way, food is somewhere inthe vicinity.
House has the smells of food, you just get the boob tube

(59:54):
going. Yeah, and then your buddy's
like, hey, B dubs, 20 minutes, be there.
B Square. You're like Nah bro.
I just changed into my sweatpants I got.
I got the button mark from the jeans I wore at work all day in
my belly. It's still indented.
It's still indented and I'm like, finally I can breathe
again. How about we, we used to do.
I should still be a virgin because when we were in our 20s,

(01:00:17):
we did the dumbest shit. Oh my God, that you could even
think of. I tackled a trash can with you
at a tailgate. My my friends and I, I think I'm
at home. Our rule was anything for a
laugh. I tackled a trash.
Anything for life. We used to just wear like
absurd, ridiculous, stupid clothing just to make each

(01:00:37):
other. Laugh just to make each.
Other, but it made us very unattractive.
We went to a beach. I just thought of it.
We went to Bailey's Irish Pop inDearborn, had like a beach
night. Everyone wear beach stuff to the
bar and you know how that goes. Everyone girls are wearing
bikini tops, trying to be sexy, trying.
To be sexy dudes are like wearing their like like cool
shorts and. Glasses.
We went to Meyer and got the most obnoxious Hawaiian shirts

(01:00:57):
you've ever seen Before Pawn. I put on suntan lotion caked
onto my nose like I was some kind of a tourist.
We get to the bar. Guess what?
We screwed up. The calendar that was the
following weekend was beach, so now we're just hanging out at
Bailey. 'S you look like you're actually

(01:01:18):
that girl. Like and you should rub in that
suntan lotion. I was like no the.
Suntan lotion stays. Bailey's had the funny I wanted.
Bailey's had in the bathroom of Bailey's.
They had mouthwash and it was like my favorite thing to do was
mess with people with our group of friends when people were
overly intoxicated. I go to the bathroom late at
night, squeeze 4 things of mouthwash in.

(01:01:38):
All cups? No, don't do a shot.
No, I bring them out and I'd be like, guys, Baharog bought some
shots for the table. It's Listerines.
It's. Listerine that they're pounding
at Bailey's. How about this one?
I might clip this out punk because it's a little bit
embarrassing, but I'm a I'm a bit of a crier.
Movies. Everything.
Everything. I just like to have a good SOB.

(01:01:59):
You have to leave this and that was so perfect, everything.
It could be a movie The older I get if there's like movie stuff
about. Children.
Yeah, I watched, I watched $1,000,000 Baby.
I think I said this already after we did the movies or the
top sports movies of all time. Watch $1,000,000 Baby with my
daughter and I was like quivering lower lip like I

(01:02:21):
couldn't even imagine. How can you hype into me?
Can you hide your crying or is it on full display?
Sometimes you when you ugly cry like.
Oh, you're ugly crying? Not at movies, OK, at movies I
just get to. But like if I'm, if I'm like a
like a funeral or something, I'mlike, you know what?
It's healthy. I'm just gonna ugly try.
The funeral is a whole different.
How do we start talking funeralson a comedy page?

(01:02:42):
I know. I'm gonna be honest with you, if
you're ugly crying at the notebook, you should be a
virgin. You just shit.
I'm sorry. You don't deserve it.
All right, get into our goodbye section pond.
There's no. Goodbye, my love.
Goodbye, my love. We can't get any more states.
I told you we already got our 50th state last week.
We have 47 countries. And I was like, well, we're not

(01:03:04):
getting any more countries. But then I thought, how many
countries are there? 212.
It's good guess there's 195 countries, Dang, of which we
have 47. So we have 24% of the countries
on Earth. Still a better win.
That's still a better percentagethan Lebron's win ratio in the
finals. Oh, is it really I?
Think he's had 19% isn't he? Oh my.

(01:03:25):
God, I was worried about you this week, Pond, because I did
see in the news that a man was charged.
A man was charged with murderingtheir roommate amid reported
argument over Taco Bell meal. Like Oh my God is the podcast
going to go on another three month hiatus?
Just puns in the in the clink. Oh my.
God, first of all, I don't like people enough to have a
roommate. Second of all, I would never

(01:03:48):
share. You would never get an
opportunity to eat my Taco Bell meal because it wouldn't make it
home. I like right from the drive
through home going. And I saw a funny quote.
This has to do with, you know, being a virgin for the rest of
your life. This, I thought, was nice and
romantic. Ryan Fitzpatrick, you know he's
on Amazon on the Thursday Night Football broadcast.
Good legendary beard. He said For all you 48 year old

(01:04:08):
hopeless romantics out there, look at Bill Belichick.
Your future person might not even be.
Born. Born yet?
So creepy dude. Alright, what are we doing next
week? Pun.
We are doing the potato chip dress.
We're going to go with the potato.
Chips. So when are we going to record?
Because you hopefully we're going to double date Friday.

(01:04:30):
So maybe we'll take a week off maybe.
Maybe or or maybe or they play, so we should.
Just do a slumber party here. And wake up do.
All four of us are on the microphone.
Hanging over no, while we're hammering.
While we're hammering, Oh my Godwould be good.
I actually don't hate that. So next week or the Friday
after, we're gonna be doing the potato chips draft.
There's a Topanga there. There is.

(01:04:52):
Definitely. I'll let you get the 1st pick
and you're not gonna pick my pick.
There's a clear there's that. Don't even.
You can have pork rinds. All right, all right, that's all
I got. Let us know what we missed.
Let us know. We list ideas.
Send us some list ideas. Leave us some Spotify comments.
Be sure to click subscribe and five star.

(01:05:13):
That's all I got. Fun what you got.
That's it for me. Dog food.

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Ep.60 - The Reasons we should Still be Virgins...

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep.60 - The Reasons we should Still be Virgins...