July 23, 2024 • 37 mins
This week, Blanca Cobb, an internationally recognized body language expert and psychologist, and I discussed the role of communication and body language in relationships. Blanca explained why people often struggle to express their emotions and how misinterpreting body language can lead to conflicts. The key points were emotional safety and open dialogue.
We also discussed the differences in communication styles in multicultural relationships. Blanca introduced the "Oreo cookie approach" for difficult conversations, which involves starting and ending with positives and addressing the issue in the middle. We touched on the challenges of virtual communication and emphasized the importance of face-to-face interactions for serious discussions.
Blanca shared details about her upcoming projects, including an online course to improve communication skills and prevent arguments and a concierge coaching service for on-demand relationship advice. She highlighted the importance of observing a partner's baseline behavior and asking non-threatening questions to understand their emotions. This episode offers practical tips and strategies for improving communication and building stronger relationships.
About Blanca:
Blanca Cobb is an internationally recognized body language expert who gives life advice for everything from family, relationships, and work. Think of a modern-day Dear Abby with a twist of Dr. Phil. Blanca has had 2000+ TV appearances such as the Steve Harvey Show, TODAY Show, Megyn Kelly TODAY, Dr. Oz, Dr. Drew, CNN, Face The Truth, and The Doctors to a name a few as well as been quoted in 100+ worldwide publications such as Cosmopolitan, Us Weekly, Elite Daily, Business Insider, Elle, Daily Mail. Blanca shares her expertise weekly on a CBS affiliate, WFMY News 2, in North Carolina. Additionally, Global Gurus has ranked Blanca in the Top 30 body language experts in the world. She is a graduate of UNC-Chapel Hill with B.A. in Psychology and a M.S. in Psychology from NC State University.
Fun fact about Blanca: She created a national holiday, “National Body Language Day,” which is celebrated on the first Friday of every October.
Connect with Blanca:
Instagram: instagram.com/blancacobb
Facebook: facebook.com/blancacobb
YouTube: blancacobb-bodylanguageexpert
Interested in possibly being a guest on the show? Click the link to get started!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Kristen
Kristen Daukas (00:05):
daukas, welcome to Conversations on the rocks,
the podcast where the drink isstrong and the stories are
stronger. I'm your host, Kristendaukas, and this isn't your
average chat fest. Here. Realpeople spill the tea alongside
their favorite drinks, from thehilarious to the heart
wrenching, each episode a wildcard. You'll laugh, you may cry,
but you'll definitely learnsomething new. So grab whatever,
(00:27):
what's your whistle and buckleup. It's time to dive into the
raw, the real and theridiculously human. Let's get
this chat party started. Heyeverybody, it's Kristen daukas.
You are tuning in to theconversations on the rocks
Podcast, the podcast that is asrandom as I can be, but I'm
(00:47):
super excited because I have areally famous person with me,
and she's not just famous, butshe's like a good friend of
mine, and it's Miss Blanca Cobb.
And without further ado, I'mgonna let her introduce herself,
because she does it with suchflair and finesse. Hello, my
dear, Blanca.
Blanca Cobb (01:08):
Oh, hello, Kristen.
It's such a pleasure to be onyour podcast again. Again.
That's right. So everybody whois listening, I'm Blanca Cobb,
and I'm a body language expert,and have a master's degree in
psychology. So if you canenvision like a modern day Dear
Abby with a little hint or twistof Dr Phil, that's me. I give a
lot of advice on television. Iwork for a CBS affiliate in
(01:32):
Greensboro, North Carolina. I'vebeen on huge shows, like the
Today Show, Dr Drew, Dr Oz,Megyn Kelly today the Steve
Harvey Show, and I've beenquoted in magazines around the
world for my expertise. So Ilove to talk about
relationships. I thinkrelationships, I mean, it's it's
what we need, and it's part ofwho we are, it's part of what we
(01:55):
seek out, and we're alwaystrying to figure out how to make
it better. Is this the rightperson? How can I be happier?
And that's my passion. Andspecifically,
Kristen Daukas (02:07):
we're going to talk about relationships and
body language. And you know howthat can incorporate to it,
because you're right,relationships are so important,
and we're not meant to be byourselves, right? And no the
communication in a relationshipis so so important that if you
don't have that, and it can,it's always kind of, I don't say
(02:29):
stunned me, because I've beenthere before doing what I'm
getting ready to say is thatpeople are so afraid to
communicate, but they're soafraid they're going to lose
their relationship, and the twoof them go hand in hand, like,
if you don't communicate, it'skind of, you know, it's a
snowball effect. Why do youthink people are so afraid to
communicate within theirrelationships, both verbally and
(02:51):
non verbally, but we'll get tothe non verbal part. But just in
your experience, why are humansso afraid to talk about their
emotions? Many
Unknown (02:59):
times you're afraid to talk about your emotions or tell
your partner how you feel,because you don't want to be
judged, you don't want to becriticized and you don't want to
be in invalidated meaning. Ifthey don't see the situation the
same way as you do, then itcould be like, what's your
point? Why are you even talkingabout this? I don't see this
again. It goes down to beingcriticized and judged and not
(03:21):
validated, and people wouldrather be quiet or start a
problem. They don't want aproblem, and so they'll think,
Do I really need to mentionthis? Maybe I don't. But what
happens when you don't talkabout it? It builds up, it
festers inside of you, right?
And then something small andtrivial blows up like a volcano,
erupts like a volcano,absolutely,
Kristen Daukas (03:40):
at some point, powder keg. Yeah, so let's talk
a little bit. Let's kind ofsegue into some of the body
language pieces of it in your inyour experience and in your
expertise. What are some of thecommon body language cues that
people can often misinterpret inconflicts, and how can they
(04:01):
avoid those misunderstandings?
Unknown (04:03):
Sometimes, when a partner looks away, someone
might think you're notinterested in what I have to
say. You're not invested inthis. You're blowing me off when
it could be that looking away,turning away allows someone to
think for a minute. It can allowthem to get control of their
emotions, particularly if theytend to be more on the sensitive
(04:23):
side, and they could be a crier,it's a way, if they just break
contact for a second, they canrecollect themselves before they
turn and continue to engage. Sothat's one area of
misinterpretation. Another oneis when someone pulls back, they
physically take a step back.
Sometimes they're not doing itbecause they want to disengage
(04:44):
from you. Sometimes, again, it'slike turning their face away,
breaking eye contact. They needa second. It's too much. It's
too much energy. It could benegative energy that they need a
minute just to, just to the.
Breathe, if you will, andcollect themselves. And
sometimes they need that space,not because they don't want to
(05:07):
engage with you, it's becausethey need a few seconds to calm
down. So this physical spaceactually turns into
psychological space as well. Andthen tone of voice is another
big one. People will hear acertain tone of voice and
they'll be like, Why are yougetting snippy with me? Why are
you getting mad? Why
Kristen Daukas (05:26):
are you yelling?
Unknown (05:27):
That's right. Why are you yelling? Someone can go just
one octave and it's like amegaphone to them. Someone just
goes one octave, and it's likesomeone is yelling and it really
isn't. Someone can perceive itthat way. And what it could be
is that someone when, when youget excited, and it could be not
(05:48):
a happy excitement in terms ofarguments or disagreements, it
could be an angry excited.
Sometimes people don't realizehow much their tone goes up, how
much it changes. So sometimes,if you could just say, hey, love
I don't know if you realize it,but it sounds like you're
yelling right now, it'sdifferent if you talk to
somebody that way, instead ofpipe it down, why are you
(06:08):
yelling at me? Like that's notgoing to get you anywhere? That
does adding fuel to the fire.
Kristen Daukas (06:15):
I've never had that experience before in my
entire life. Why are you going?
I'm not yelling. If you want meto yell, I'll go, then I'll show
you yelling, and then it's done.
Now, everybody's on the defense,and it just ain't going
anywhere. And you know,something to I think people
forget that when you're so intuned with a human being that
you're in a relationship, butbecause you're in a
relationship, because you'resimilar, right? We don't want to
(06:37):
be dating ourselves. But, youknow, there's similarities.
There is everyone has a veryunique way to way that they
argue or fight, like you weretalking about, like pulling back
and, you know, I in my past,like I'm a processor. If it's
something really serious and Idon't want to talk about it, I'm
not talking about it. And it'snot because I don't want to talk
(06:59):
about it. It's because I need toget my thoughts together. And
I've had, you know, in my pastwhere I have a child that is
this way too, that when there'ssomething going on, no, we're
gonna talk about it. We're gonnatalk about it now and then that
just that's a whole other powderkeg waiting to go off too,
because it's like, I can't, if Ican't process it, I'm not going.
(07:23):
It's not going to be aneffective conversation,
regardless of what the end is.
Good point. So you got toremember that everybody's a
little bit different. So arethere any if, let's say we're in
a we're in a heated argument,right? Is there anything that
you what kind of body languagewould you recommend that or that
you have seen be effective to deescalate something,
Unknown (07:49):
you have to do an internal or external check on
yourself. So internally meanswhat's happening with your tone
of voice, what's happening withyour rate of breath, what's
happening with your speech, interms of your rate of speech,
not only the tone, but how fastor slow that you are talking?
Are you sweating? Are youshaking? What's happening to you
(08:11):
physiologically? That's theinternal check, and the external
check is what's happening withmy facial expressions. Are my
facial muscles. Are theyrelaxed? Are my shoulders
relaxed? Are my fingers relaxed?
Am I fidgeting? Am I moving? DoI have my arms crossed? You want
to make sure that your musclesare relaxed, because when you're
(08:31):
physically relaxed, then youcome across as relaxed. It isn't
as threatening. It's verydifferent, if my shoulders are
down, and I'm talking to youabout something heated versus if
my shoulders are up, there's abig difference there. It's like,
What's wrong with her? Like, whyare shoulders up? You want them
to relax, and sometimes you haveto physically move your
shoulders down. Shake yourhands. Take it. Take a deep
(08:55):
breath. You can say, hey, justgive me a couple seconds. You
can actually go to the kitchen,get something to drink and come
back, that's okay. The point is,when you're in control of
yourself, then you're going tobe more in control of the
conversation and the impact thatyou're having.
Kristen Daukas (09:12):
It's funny that people try and work out these
big things in the middle of aheated thing, because no one's
thinking clearly, right? Andit's just like, it's my point of
view, I'm right, you're wrong.
And it just, it's a lot ofwaste, it's a lot of energy, and
it's a lot of wasted energy, alot of negative energy, and
that's why, I guess, I try notto get into arguments, because
it's just like, Ooh,
Unknown (09:36):
yeah, it can, it can go nowhere. What happens is, your
limbic system in your brain istaking off. It's caught. You
turned it on, you turn a switchon. So you're either a fight,
flight or freeze. And if you'rein that fight stage, if your
limbic system goes to fight,then that's where people can not
(09:56):
think, right? There's norationality, because emotions
are taking. Over. It's aboutfighting. It's about winning,
absolutely survival. Arguing.
It's
Kristen Daukas (10:05):
survival. Yeah, it is.
Unknown (10:07):
It is about survival.
So not only do you take thisphysical check on yourself, but
something you can do with yourpartner is, as long as it's a
soft touch. I mean, you cantouch their arm, you can touch
their hand, you can say, Hey, Iknow this is a let me lift my
hand up, I know, or my arm up. Iknow this is a difficult
conversation, but I want you toknow we're in this together. So
as you're saying somethingpositive, and you reach out and
(10:28):
touch your partner, but you wantto touch for like, 1015, seconds
you want. And the reason is, isbecause you want the the bonding
hormone oxytocin to be releasedso quick. Touch as effective. No
hitting, right? That'sabsolutely no,
Kristen Daukas (10:50):
I mean, like swatting, not hitting,
definitely no heading, but noswatting either.
Unknown (10:55):
Yeah, no. It needs to be a gentle, loving touch or
keep your hands to yourself,period, right? You know, period.
I mean, there's no excuse forNo, absolutely
Kristen Daukas (11:02):
not. And I wasn't making light of that, so
don't come at me. Not you dumb.
It's a totally different worldnow, and has been definitely for
the past six years, as far asour communication devices. And a
lot of times, you know, peopleare doing a lot of their
communication on their phones,right through texting, through
(11:23):
messaging, etc, which That initself, and I know it's not body
language, but that in of itself,can create some kind of
interest, because you lose a lota lot of context in your content
when you're you know. So do youhave any advice, as far as you
know, couples or, you know, into me, it's relationships in
general. You know, whetheryou're whether it's a romantic
(11:45):
relationship or whether it's afamilial relationship. You know,
what's your advice for folksthat do a lot of communicating
and maybe just something happensin a text? And you know,
obviously, for you don't want tohave big conversations over
text. But do you have anyadvice? Because it is such a you
know, it's a considerable amountof our communication is that
(12:07):
way?
Unknown (12:10):
Yes, when it's something serious, super
important, don't text it. Don'temail it. Have a conversation.
Look, think about your intimatetime generally aren't held by
text or email. So why would youhave such an important
conversation over email or text?
You need to have it face toface. Because not only are you
(12:30):
actually listening right, butyou're hearing their their
breath, you're in their energy.
You're looking into their eyes.
You can reach out and you cantouch your partner. They can
touch you. You can caress eachother on the cheek. I mean, that
means so much more, and a lot oftimes through touch or having
(12:53):
someone physically present canhelp de escalate issues. Why?
Because nothing is left tointerpretation. They're in the
real and now in the moment, andthat makes the world of
difference.
Kristen Daukas (13:08):
So if someone finds a topic that is they're
afraid to have in person, and byafraid i Let me see. Let me just
say it the way it's in my head,is it better to at least have a
conversation through electronicmeans, then not have it at all,
because what if somebody isreally just like, I mean, some
people are very anxious and theydon't they know they need to
(13:30):
have this conversation, but forsome reason, they just are so
afraid to do it in person. Doesthat make sense? Was virtual?
Unknown (13:40):
Would does make sense, but with virtual like how you
and I are doing it right now, tome, that would be the next best
thing. So fire on the Zoom. Fireup a zoom, fire up a FaceTime.
And if that doesn't work, thenput it in text. But here's the
there's a problem with textmessages versus talking. A lot
of times in text, you makeassumptions that the person
(14:01):
understands what you're talkingabout, what you mean. A lot of
people don't even usepunctuation anymore, and there
are a lot of examples out thereon the internet, when people
don't use punctuation, itchanges what you're trying to
say.
Kristen Daukas (14:14):
It does. And I need to understand why Gen Z is
so down on punctuation. Yeah, Iknow.
Unknown (14:20):
And it changes. So there can be a lot more
confusion, which means a lotmore headache and suffering for
what if you have theconversation, and it's easier to
relax somebody when you're faceto face, also, because you can
touch, you can't say, oh, I'mgetting, you know, I'm hearing,
I'm hearing that you're gettinga little angry right now, I want
you to know X, Y or Z, That'snot my intent. What can I do to
(14:42):
make this better? It's so mucheasier to get control of the
conversation in a positive waywhen you're face to face and
when you're talking aboutsomething that's super serious.
I think it's better. Now, somelistener out there might go,
Wait a second, I'm inCalifornia, and there. In New
York. Okay, I got it, then Igotcha. Okay, you can't be face
(15:04):
to face, but you do have virtualyou do have a virtual
connection. And
Kristen Daukas (15:08):
if it's important, schedule the time.
Absolutely schedule the time. Solet's talk a little bit about we
live in a melting pot country.
What about couples that arerelationships that are
multicultural, because it's verywell known that way. We say
certain things in America maynot be the same. Have the same
land, the same way and withsomeone in another country. So
(15:30):
has that ever been Are theredifferences there that we should
be aware of?
Unknown (15:38):
There are, there are differences, particularly when
it comes to affection. Somecultures are more touchy feely.
They're going to hug more,they're going to touch more,
they're going to kiss on thecheeks more. And that tends to
be like Spanish speakingcountries and Italy. Then you
have some other countries whereit's not as accepted. I'm not
(16:00):
saying people don't do thatbehind closed doors. I'm just
saying it's just it's showndifferently or not as
frequently. So if you havesomeone who comes from a culture
where hugging and kissing andtouching on the arm or the cheek
or the crest on the shoulder orthe back is super common, but
their partner isn't like that.
The partner who comes or hasthat the warm, touchy feely
(16:22):
culture, then they can perceivethat as, gosh, maybe I'm not as
loved as I thought. Maybe thisisn't as strong as a
relationship as I had hoped,where the other partner might
see the partner who wants allthe touching and hugging and
feeling like so demanding,needy, just so so needy, clingy,
exactly, so needy and clingy andoh my gosh, I thought I was
(16:47):
dating an adult, not a kid.
That's where the differencescome. Can come in. But look,
there's a solution to everyproblem. The way I see this,
there's more than one solutionto a given situation, and this
is where you talk and say, Hey,love one thing that I love about
our relationship. I love whenwe're affectionate. I love when
(17:07):
you reach out and you and I cankiss you or hug you or hold your
hand. I get the impression, Iget the sense that maybe that
doesn't work for you. So much,am I right? And they can say yes
or no and that starts aconversation. Notice. There's no
accusation, there's no judgment,it was safe, no criticism,
there's no finger pointing. Itis completely emotionally safe,
(17:30):
and that's the one thing that Ihave found in my work people
want so much is to feelemotionally safe, where they can
talk and not be judged or not becriticized or not be put down,
but accepted for their feelings.
The
Kristen Daukas (17:45):
whole safe thing is you're right, and what you
just said, what you were talkingabout, about creating that safe
zone, I have heard, and I wouldlike, if you don't mind,
explaining this, I've alwaysreferred to it as the Oreo
cookie approach when you have adifficult conversation, or
there's something about yourpartner or someone that you're
dealing with that you would liketo, you know, talk about, I've
(18:08):
always heard it called Oreocookie. Yeah,
Unknown (18:11):
so this is what it is.
It's when you start off withsomething positive. I love how
you and I talk every day. I lovethat at the end of the day, you
know, we take a walk, or we gowork out together. Okay, that's
the positive. Then the the whitepart of the cookie. You use that
analogy. This is where you talkabout something that you wish
was different, not a criticism,not a blame, but a wish. That
(18:34):
you wish was different, but Iwish on the weekends. Or I'm
noticing on the weekends, wedon't spend as much time
together as we do during theweek. And I wish that could be
different, and then you end withsomething positive, and I want
this to be different, so thatway you and I can just stay
connected, or continue to showeach other how much we love each
(18:54):
other. So you have the positive,then you have your wish, then
you have the negative, and thatreally makes a difference. It
does. It's very different thanif I were to say, You know what?
Why is it that we only spendtime together during the
weekdays, and we have like, anhour or two, which is great, but
then during the weekend, you'relike, Mia, what's going on
there? Your partner's gonna belike, Whoa, what? They're gonna
(19:15):
just back up, like, I'm nottalking to you, it just comes
across. And what's coming acrossis the frustration, but we're
all responsible for how wedeliver our messages. It's not
invalidating how you feel, whichis frustrated or angry or hurt,
but jumping on your partner, soto speak, to get your point
(19:37):
across is just not acceptable,because then their feelings get
hurt and they become angry. Sothey could either fight back or
they could close off and shutdown, and then either way, it's
a no win.
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Kristen Daukas (20:23):
Okay, so let's talk about and yes, that very
long pregnant pause. You'veworked with people, you've
worked with couples, you'veworked with individuals for
many, many years now, and I knowthat you're getting ready to
start a new project. So let'stalk a little bit about that.
Okay, and when, especiallyspecifically for couples, right?
(20:46):
Why don't we talk a little bitabout that as far as what you're
creating? Because I think it'sso, so important for couples.
Because, again, nobody should bealone unless you're a hermit,
but even then, you still gottahave some cats or dolls or
something like that, but we'renot, this is
Unknown (21:02):
what I always say. This is what I always say. We're not
made to be by ourselves, becauseif we were, we'd be able to
procreate by ourselves, true?
And I'm not talking abouttechnology intervention, because
even with technologyintervention, you still need a
sperm and an egg, which comesfrom two separate people, right?
That's a great way to not made.
We're just not made to be byourselves. And so I tend to work
(21:27):
more with women than men. Womentend to want self help. They
want they're more aggressive ina positive way of resolving
relationship issues. And a lotof times women, once they learn
how to do this, it's a simplertransition to their partner. And
(21:47):
I, what I do is that there aretwo different ways that I really
work with people right now andthen, one is in the heat of the
moment, like there are threedifferent ways that people tend
to get caught up in an argument.
And I'm talking about anargument either before, during
and after an argument. And thenthere's some people who just
don't want to argue at all, butthey know that having hard
(22:08):
discussions can be difficult,and it's a it's a necessity at
times. So then what I'll do isI'll help them strengthen their
communication skills, strengthenhow they're feeling, strengthen
their body language where itcomes across, more loving, and
it actually decreases thelikelihood of even having an
argument. So more it's apreventative approach, and that
(22:30):
has been really successful for alot of people.
Kristen Daukas (22:34):
Now are you going to start working with
couples in helping themunderstand the body language and
how it can help them navigateconflicts more effectively. And
by doing that, then you're gonnahave a better connection, right?
Unknown (22:48):
Yes, of course. So right now, I am working on an
online course that helps withthe preventative approach.
That's what I'm gonna tacklefirst, or I am tackling first,
and then I'll have one like,where people get stuck in those
three areas, either before,during or after an argument, to
help them, like, turn conflictinto closeness. So the first one
(23:10):
I'm talking about thispreventative approach is really
love more, argue less. And I dohave a belief, and I've seen it
with other people and withmyself, that when you love more,
you're really like riding acloud of hormones, of really
feel good hormones. You feelmore connected to your partner,
you're happier. You tend to behappier and you are angry, you
(23:32):
tend to be happier and relaxedthan you are stressed. And so
when there's a little bump or alittle hiccup in the road, it's
easier to maneuver aroundbecause you're loving more,
you're leading with love. Andthere's this exactly you're
leading with love, and it makesof the world of difference. So
there are two courses there, andthen I also offer concierge
(23:52):
coaching. So think about this.
Think about how many timespeople will, or women
particularly, will call afriend. I'm like, guess what? I
got to talk I got to talk toCharlie, and I got to talk to
Charlie about X, Y and Z.
Remember the last time I talkedto Charlie and blah, blah, blah
to happen? And then you it'slike, your friend becomes your
therapist, okay? Which sometimesthey can give you the best
advice, and other times theygive you the worst advice. But
(24:13):
the concierge coaching that Ioffer is like, I'm that friend.
You call me and say, okay,Charlie's going to be home, and
tonight, tonight, I'm going totalk to him. And these are my
concerns. I talk you through it.
What's the blueprint to havethis conversation? Then when
you're finished with thatconversation with Charlie, guess
what? Then you can talk to meagain, and I can help you
process it. What happened? Whereto go next time, how to pick up
and move on. So it's verydifferent than therapy, where,
(24:37):
generally speaking, you have tobook an appointment several
weeks or months in advancebefore you can get in. And by
then, the situation is over.
It's done. So I'm like, ondemand, if you will, enough for
the concierge. I was
Kristen Daukas (24:52):
gonna say, You know what you are. You're like,
we should call your company.
Rent a bestie.
Unknown (24:57):
Hi. I love that. Rent a bestie. That's.
Kristen Daukas (25:00):
Or is like, what was the, what was the Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire is the phonea friend of BESTie? I'd like
one. I think that's a greatidea, though, because you're
right. Because if you're talkingto someone that knows you and
Charlie, right, they might notbe Charlie's favorite person, or
(25:20):
they, you know, Charlie may notbe their favorite person, and
they always, always have yourbest interest at heart, right?
They're not as objective.
They're not going to sit thereand say, okay, and, you know,
for me, what I've started to dois like, what is the end what is
the end result that I want? Andthen, you know, reverse engineer
that, right? If this is what Iwant in the end, what do I need
(25:41):
to do to get that? If it's likeI want you to take out the trash
more often, you know, kind ofthing so. But I love the
concierge piece of it. Now, willyou, will you be working with
couples, or is it largely one onone? It's largely one on one?
Have you ever had, have you everworked with couples together to
(26:01):
get to some of this?
Unknown (26:05):
I have, but like I said earlier, women tend to seek out
the help. Yeah, more frequently,absolutely. And it's easier that
they'll make the time like therelationship is of utmost
important, and by golly, theyare going to figure out what is
going on where men, and I'm notputting every single person in a
(26:25):
specific category, I would neverdo that. But men, some men, tend
to say, whatever, it's going tobe fine. We're going to be okay.
The problem with that is, and itcould be true, what happens is,
is that the woman feels she'sbeing minimized, her opinion,
her point of view, her concern,the importance that she's
(26:47):
placing on their relationship,is being minimized. And that may
not be his intent at all. It maynot be. It's just how it lands.
So I tend to do more one on oneand then, but however, what I
teach one on one, it makes iteasier for them to use it in
action when they're havingconversations with their
partners. And you can seechanges almost immediately,
(27:08):
because it's a different way oflooking at the situation,
analyzing it and then reactingand responding to it. And a lot
of times with it, with a changein body language or in word
choices, because body languageand words go hand in hand,
because we talk to people in ourlives, we don't mimic and mime
everything, we just don't doconversation. And
Kristen Daukas (27:32):
then you have people like us that do both at
the same time. And then that's
Unknown (27:36):
right, then you have us with our hands, yeah,
Kristen Daukas (27:41):
we've gone through some similar
experiences, and we've learned alot, you know, together. And
there was, I remember, oneparticular person out there that
who you know, but made a greatcomment and that I thought he's
like, if you're giving the jobof the relationship to the man,
you're giving it to the wrongperson. And it is so very true,
(28:01):
because, you know, women, bynature, were the nurturers,
right? That's right. But youknow, I'm divorced, you're
divorced, you know. And there'sso many, you know, 50% are
divorced. And it's so true. Andhere's another reason why I
think women, like women, willtry and try and try and try and
try, right? And men tend to takea back seat and let the woman
(28:23):
drive it right. And then all ofa sudden, she's like, I'm done.
I have done everything. And thenall of a sudden, then the man
will pop up. You're like, whoa,wait, whoa, whoa, what happened?
You know, things were great. Andshe's like, Dude, I for the past
18 months, I've been trying toget you to talk and do these
things. And so I think whatyou're doing is such a valuable
thing, because giving people theresources and the tips and the
(28:47):
tools I had to learn this on myown, well, you helped too. I
mean, you know, just kind ofgetting better at being I mean,
like, nobody's a mind reader. Noone is a mind reader or not. And
it just Yes, these conversationscan be awkward to have. Yes,
they can be hard to have. Yes,you might have just like a
bowling ball in your stomach,but they're so important. If the
(29:08):
relationship is important, it'sworth the time to, you know,
work with someone like you tofind the right words and find
the right way to say it. So I amsuper excited that you're doing
this, and I love the conciergepiece of it, because, you know,
the sometimes people get alittle thrown off with the word
coach, because they're like, Allright, now I gotta sign up for a
(29:29):
12 month program type thing,right? But the fact that I know
that I can dial a bestie,because you're right, if I have
to wait for my therapist, I'mgonna forget what it was I was
so upset about, because that'sthe other thing about these
heated arguments, is theyusually pop up that they're
like, they're like, flash fires,you know, they pop up, that's
(29:49):
right, you deal with it, andthen it's gone. It's like, a lot
of times you don't even rememberit two weeks from now.
Unknown (29:54):
That is so true, if people would pay attention. To
their partner as much as theypay attention to their babies.
When their babies can't talk andall they do is cry to figure out
what's going on. What can I doto make the baby feel better?
And they do moms, moms do this,and dads do this too. Self
reflection. Okay, what is it?
What can I be doing better formy baby? What am I missing for
my baby right now, if peopleadults would give that level of
(30:17):
attention to detail, with theirown partners, relationships
would be completely different,completely different. But here's
the key though, one could argue,okay, Blanca babies are
dependent on their parents. Yep,check. Got it. But you know
what, if you have a partner wholoves you and you love each
other, it's worth it. Oh,absolutely. It's absolutely
(30:39):
worth it, because think aboutit, when you see somebody smile
at you, what do you do? Yourreflex is to smile back, not
snarl, unless you have historywith that person. That's a
totally different story. I'm nottalking about that, but I'm
going with everyday person thatyou see on the street, someone
smiles you smile back. It's thesame thing, that niceness, that
caring, that warmth. When yourpartner feels it, they can't
(31:00):
help but reciprocate it. It'swhen you get saucy. They get
saucy back then you add a littlemore spice. Well, guess what?
They're tripling down on thespice. But just think about if
it were positive. So payingattention to your partner and
trying to figure out how to makeit better, just like you would,
the attention you give to yourbaby, as long as it's a healthy
relationship is absolutely worthit.
Kristen Daukas (31:22):
So we've got a few more minutes, and one thing
I would like for you to explainto everyone, because I You
taught me, and I think it's soimportant, especially in any
kind of relationship, talk aboutthe baseline. Baseline
Unknown (31:38):
is huge. Baseline is how you typically are, how you
typically are with other people,how you typically present
yourself. For example, if youtalk with a slow rate of speech,
or do you talk with your hand?
Do you look up when you'rethinking about something? When
you get excited? Do you showthat excitement in your body
(31:58):
language? Do you move? Do youshuffle? What is it that's
happening? So it's reallyunderstanding how a person
presents themselves in anunstressful situation, a
situation no stress situation,where they're not in a position
where they feel like they haveto lie, but just how they are on
the daily. That's so important,because you know what their
baseline is, and then when yousee a change in their baseline,
(32:20):
that's your aha moment. You'relike, Kristen just changed. She
normally smiles, but right nowshe's not. She's kind of looking
down, and the corner of her lipsare coming down also. Then
that's a time not to make anaccusation. Kristen daukas
getting the sense that theremight be something on your mind,
would I be correct? That givesyou the opportunity to say, yep,
(32:42):
you're right, or no, you're notright. And that's really
important. You got to givepeople an out. You cannot come.
You can't corner somebody that'snot going to that doesn't come
across like really caring. Butwhen you ask a question and say,
Hey, this is what I'm noticing,you seem a little down. Am I
right? Oh my gosh, you seemreally excited today. Like,
what's getting you so excited?
(33:06):
Then they feel like, one, you'repaying attention to them, and
they're important to you. Andthen two, they matter to you
because you're asking nonthreatening questions. You're
asking questions of curiosity,questions that you can
understand them better.
Kristen Daukas (33:20):
And going back to what you were talking about,
especially with like, you know,and we're all guilty of it,
those of us that have children,right? When you're in mom mode,
everything else, I mean, andthat's was a very important
lesson that I learned in whensomebody asks me, who's getting
married, what's the piece ofadvice that you have to somebody
getting married? I'm like, thebabies are going to be fine.
Don't forget to date yourpartner, and we all in. And I
(33:43):
think that's sometimes, what cana lot of times happen in those
first marriages. And I'm notbeing negative. I love love I
love marriage. And you know itjust, you know, those are the
kind of things. And if youaren't paying attention to those
baselines before you know it,you know things are going to
start scrolling out of control.
And you know, if you're ifyou're aware of those, then
that's as Blanca was saying.
(34:03):
That gives you the opportunityto check in and say and and then
you check in with your own gutand go, Hmm, something's not
right here. Let's stop andfocus. So okay, yes, I will have
everything in the show notes forhow people can find you. But
tell me one of your favoritesuccess stories, one of your
favorite
Unknown (34:23):
success stories, one of my favorite success stories is
that I was working with a womanwhose partner was a little type
A and would come across as notbeing very sensitive to her
feelings when she was talking ortried to express things to him,
he interpreted it as they justinterpreted as wrong. So working
(34:45):
with me, she learned that herown anxiety kind of ramped up
the situation before the firstword came out of her mouth, just
based on what she was showing inher body language. And then
being able to role play with meand getting more comfortable.
All talking to her partner in away that really helps him get
his attention and helps himlisten. And one was a way she
(35:06):
was asking questions, where shethought she was actually asking
a question, but it really cameacross as though she was making
a command, because it cameacross came across as sharp and
pointed. And then her bodylanguage was one of of angst,
right? Once she learned what herbody language was doing, and she
could relax, and then she couldask a question, a real question,
(35:28):
she noticed a big difference inhow he would respond to her, and
it made him feel like she wasn'tbeing critical of him. And it
turned out to be a really nicesituation, because then it was
easier for them to havedifficult conversations.
Kristen Daukas (35:42):
That's amazing.
I love it. Thank you, my friend.
It has been an entertaining wewent a full 3735 3536 minutes.
But it's okay. It's good stuff.
Lots and lots of good stuff.
When do is the course ready yet,or is it or you're going to be
launching soon. Like
Unknown (36:04):
launching, I'm hoping, I'm hoping to be launching at
the end of August, but anybodywho wants to learn about it now
should just reach me at Blanca,at Blanca cob.com let me know
that you're interested. That'sfantastic. And what's really
going to be fun about thislaunch? It's really going to
it's a pilot launch, which meansthose who join a board now can
actually help refine the course.
So you really have a say. It'salmost like you're going to be
(36:25):
creating it with me. Nice. Sothat makes it super cool. It
makes it and that's
Kristen Daukas (36:30):
good for you too, because you get the
feedback, and you get to, youknow, it's like testing. It's
like test driving a car. Younever know if you're gonna like
it. And you'd like to push allthe buttons and things of that
nature, you know. Then you go,Oh no, I want the bigger I want
the better one. So I hope youhave a fantastic night. And
again, thank you for joining me.
I am sure everyone is going tolearn lots from this. And for
those of you who are out therelistening, thank you so much for
(36:53):
tuning in, and until next time,may your drinks be as strong as
the coffee you drink in themorning. Peace out, everybody,
as the saying goes, you don'thave to go home, but you can
stay here. And that's a wrap forthis week's episode. A big
thanks to my guests for sharingtheir story and to you for
(37:13):
listening. Don't forget to sharethe show with your friends and
spread the words and if you'dlike to be a guest on the show
the link is in the show notestill next time cheers you.
Kristen
Kristen Daukas (00:05):
daukas, welcome to Conversations on the rocks,
the podcast where the drink isstrong and the stories are
stronger. I'm your host, Kristendaukas, and this isn't your
average chat fest. Here. Realpeople spill the tea alongside
their favorite drinks, from thehilarious to the heart
wrenching, each episode a wildcard. You'll laugh, you may cry,
but you'll definitely learnsomething new. So grab whatever,
(00:27):
what's your whistle and buckleup. It's time to dive into the
raw, the real and theridiculously human. Let's get
this chat party started. Heyeverybody, it's Kristen daukas.
You are tuning in to theconversations on the rocks
Podcast, the podcast that is asrandom as I can be, but I'm
(00:47):
super excited because I have areally famous person with me,
and she's not just famous, butshe's like a good friend of
mine, and it's Miss Blanca Cobb.
And without further ado, I'mgonna let her introduce herself,
because she does it with suchflair and finesse. Hello, my
dear, Blanca.
Blanca Cobb (01:08):
Oh, hello, Kristen.
It's such a pleasure to be onyour podcast again. Again.
That's right. So everybody whois listening, I'm Blanca Cobb,
and I'm a body language expert,and have a master's degree in
psychology. So if you canenvision like a modern day Dear
Abby with a little hint or twistof Dr Phil, that's me. I give a
lot of advice on television. Iwork for a CBS affiliate in
(01:32):
Greensboro, North Carolina. I'vebeen on huge shows, like the
Today Show, Dr Drew, Dr Oz,Megyn Kelly today the Steve
Harvey Show, and I've beenquoted in magazines around the
world for my expertise. So Ilove to talk about
relationships. I thinkrelationships, I mean, it's it's
what we need, and it's part ofwho we are, it's part of what we
(01:55):
seek out, and we're alwaystrying to figure out how to make
it better. Is this the rightperson? How can I be happier?
And that's my passion. Andspecifically,
Kristen Daukas (02:07):
we're going to talk about relationships and
body language. And you know howthat can incorporate to it,
because you're right,relationships are so important,
and we're not meant to be byourselves, right? And no the
communication in a relationshipis so so important that if you
don't have that, and it can,it's always kind of, I don't say
(02:29):
stunned me, because I've beenthere before doing what I'm
getting ready to say is thatpeople are so afraid to
communicate, but they're soafraid they're going to lose
their relationship, and the twoof them go hand in hand, like,
if you don't communicate, it'skind of, you know, it's a
snowball effect. Why do youthink people are so afraid to
communicate within theirrelationships, both verbally and
(02:51):
non verbally, but we'll get tothe non verbal part. But just in
your experience, why are humansso afraid to talk about their
emotions? Many
Unknown (02:59):
times you're afraid to talk about your emotions or tell
your partner how you feel,because you don't want to be
judged, you don't want to becriticized and you don't want to
be in invalidated meaning. Ifthey don't see the situation the
same way as you do, then itcould be like, what's your
point? Why are you even talkingabout this? I don't see this
again. It goes down to beingcriticized and judged and not
(03:21):
validated, and people wouldrather be quiet or start a
problem. They don't want aproblem, and so they'll think,
Do I really need to mentionthis? Maybe I don't. But what
happens when you don't talkabout it? It builds up, it
festers inside of you, right?
And then something small andtrivial blows up like a volcano,
erupts like a volcano,absolutely,
Kristen Daukas (03:40):
at some point, powder keg. Yeah, so let's talk
a little bit. Let's kind ofsegue into some of the body
language pieces of it in your inyour experience and in your
expertise. What are some of thecommon body language cues that
people can often misinterpret inconflicts, and how can they
(04:01):
avoid those misunderstandings?
Unknown (04:03):
Sometimes, when a partner looks away, someone
might think you're notinterested in what I have to
say. You're not invested inthis. You're blowing me off when
it could be that looking away,turning away allows someone to
think for a minute. It can allowthem to get control of their
emotions, particularly if theytend to be more on the sensitive
(04:23):
side, and they could be a crier,it's a way, if they just break
contact for a second, they canrecollect themselves before they
turn and continue to engage. Sothat's one area of
misinterpretation. Another oneis when someone pulls back, they
physically take a step back.
Sometimes they're not doing itbecause they want to disengage
(04:44):
from you. Sometimes, again, it'slike turning their face away,
breaking eye contact. They needa second. It's too much. It's
too much energy. It could benegative energy that they need a
minute just to, just to the.
Breathe, if you will, andcollect themselves. And
sometimes they need that space,not because they don't want to
(05:07):
engage with you, it's becausethey need a few seconds to calm
down. So this physical spaceactually turns into
psychological space as well. Andthen tone of voice is another
big one. People will hear acertain tone of voice and
they'll be like, Why are yougetting snippy with me? Why are
you getting mad? Why
Kristen Daukas (05:26):
are you yelling?
Unknown (05:27):
That's right. Why are you yelling? Someone can go just
one octave and it's like amegaphone to them. Someone just
goes one octave, and it's likesomeone is yelling and it really
isn't. Someone can perceive itthat way. And what it could be
is that someone when, when youget excited, and it could be not
(05:48):
a happy excitement in terms ofarguments or disagreements, it
could be an angry excited.
Sometimes people don't realizehow much their tone goes up, how
much it changes. So sometimes,if you could just say, hey, love
I don't know if you realize it,but it sounds like you're
yelling right now, it'sdifferent if you talk to
somebody that way, instead ofpipe it down, why are you
(06:08):
yelling at me? Like that's notgoing to get you anywhere? That
does adding fuel to the fire.
Kristen Daukas (06:15):
I've never had that experience before in my
entire life. Why are you going?
I'm not yelling. If you want meto yell, I'll go, then I'll show
you yelling, and then it's done.
Now, everybody's on the defense,and it just ain't going
anywhere. And you know,something to I think people
forget that when you're so intuned with a human being that
you're in a relationship, butbecause you're in a
relationship, because you'resimilar, right? We don't want to
(06:37):
be dating ourselves. But, youknow, there's similarities.
There is everyone has a veryunique way to way that they
argue or fight, like you weretalking about, like pulling back
and, you know, I in my past,like I'm a processor. If it's
something really serious and Idon't want to talk about it, I'm
not talking about it. And it'snot because I don't want to talk
(06:59):
about it. It's because I need toget my thoughts together. And
I've had, you know, in my pastwhere I have a child that is
this way too, that when there'ssomething going on, no, we're
gonna talk about it. We're gonnatalk about it now and then that
just that's a whole other powderkeg waiting to go off too,
because it's like, I can't, if Ican't process it, I'm not going.
(07:23):
It's not going to be aneffective conversation,
regardless of what the end is.
Good point. So you got toremember that everybody's a
little bit different. So arethere any if, let's say we're in
a we're in a heated argument,right? Is there anything that
you what kind of body languagewould you recommend that or that
you have seen be effective to deescalate something,
Unknown (07:49):
you have to do an internal or external check on
yourself. So internally meanswhat's happening with your tone
of voice, what's happening withyour rate of breath, what's
happening with your speech, interms of your rate of speech,
not only the tone, but how fastor slow that you are talking?
Are you sweating? Are youshaking? What's happening to you
(08:11):
physiologically? That's theinternal check, and the external
check is what's happening withmy facial expressions. Are my
facial muscles. Are theyrelaxed? Are my shoulders
relaxed? Are my fingers relaxed?
Am I fidgeting? Am I moving? DoI have my arms crossed? You want
to make sure that your musclesare relaxed, because when you're
(08:31):
physically relaxed, then youcome across as relaxed. It isn't
as threatening. It's verydifferent, if my shoulders are
down, and I'm talking to youabout something heated versus if
my shoulders are up, there's abig difference there. It's like,
What's wrong with her? Like, whyare shoulders up? You want them
to relax, and sometimes you haveto physically move your
shoulders down. Shake yourhands. Take it. Take a deep
(08:55):
breath. You can say, hey, justgive me a couple seconds. You
can actually go to the kitchen,get something to drink and come
back, that's okay. The point is,when you're in control of
yourself, then you're going tobe more in control of the
conversation and the impact thatyou're having.
Kristen Daukas (09:12):
It's funny that people try and work out these
big things in the middle of aheated thing, because no one's
thinking clearly, right? Andit's just like, it's my point of
view, I'm right, you're wrong.
And it just, it's a lot ofwaste, it's a lot of energy, and
it's a lot of wasted energy, alot of negative energy, and
that's why, I guess, I try notto get into arguments, because
it's just like, Ooh,
Unknown (09:36):
yeah, it can, it can go nowhere. What happens is, your
limbic system in your brain istaking off. It's caught. You
turned it on, you turn a switchon. So you're either a fight,
flight or freeze. And if you'rein that fight stage, if your
limbic system goes to fight,then that's where people can not
(09:56):
think, right? There's norationality, because emotions
are taking. Over. It's aboutfighting. It's about winning,
absolutely survival. Arguing.
It's
Kristen Daukas (10:05):
survival. Yeah, it is.
Unknown (10:07):
It is about survival.
So not only do you take thisphysical check on yourself, but
something you can do with yourpartner is, as long as it's a
soft touch. I mean, you cantouch their arm, you can touch
their hand, you can say, Hey, Iknow this is a let me lift my
hand up, I know, or my arm up. Iknow this is a difficult
conversation, but I want you toknow we're in this together. So
as you're saying somethingpositive, and you reach out and
(10:28):
touch your partner, but you wantto touch for like, 1015, seconds
you want. And the reason is, isbecause you want the the bonding
hormone oxytocin to be releasedso quick. Touch as effective. No
hitting, right? That'sabsolutely no,
Kristen Daukas (10:50):
I mean, like swatting, not hitting,
definitely no heading, but noswatting either.
Unknown (10:55):
Yeah, no. It needs to be a gentle, loving touch or
keep your hands to yourself,period, right? You know, period.
I mean, there's no excuse forNo, absolutely
Kristen Daukas (11:02):
not. And I wasn't making light of that, so
don't come at me. Not you dumb.
It's a totally different worldnow, and has been definitely for
the past six years, as far asour communication devices. And a
lot of times, you know, peopleare doing a lot of their
communication on their phones,right through texting, through
(11:23):
messaging, etc, which That initself, and I know it's not body
language, but that in of itself,can create some kind of
interest, because you lose a lota lot of context in your content
when you're you know. So do youhave any advice, as far as you
know, couples or, you know, into me, it's relationships in
general. You know, whetheryou're whether it's a romantic
(11:45):
relationship or whether it's afamilial relationship. You know,
what's your advice for folksthat do a lot of communicating
and maybe just something happensin a text? And you know,
obviously, for you don't want tohave big conversations over
text. But do you have anyadvice? Because it is such a you
know, it's a considerable amountof our communication is that
(12:07):
way?
Unknown (12:10):
Yes, when it's something serious, super
important, don't text it. Don'temail it. Have a conversation.
Look, think about your intimatetime generally aren't held by
text or email. So why would youhave such an important
conversation over email or text?
You need to have it face toface. Because not only are you
(12:30):
actually listening right, butyou're hearing their their
breath, you're in their energy.
You're looking into their eyes.
You can reach out and you cantouch your partner. They can
touch you. You can caress eachother on the cheek. I mean, that
means so much more, and a lot oftimes through touch or having
(12:53):
someone physically present canhelp de escalate issues. Why?
Because nothing is left tointerpretation. They're in the
real and now in the moment, andthat makes the world of
difference.
Kristen Daukas (13:08):
So if someone finds a topic that is they're
afraid to have in person, and byafraid i Let me see. Let me just
say it the way it's in my head,is it better to at least have a
conversation through electronicmeans, then not have it at all,
because what if somebody isreally just like, I mean, some
people are very anxious and theydon't they know they need to
(13:30):
have this conversation, but forsome reason, they just are so
afraid to do it in person. Doesthat make sense? Was virtual?
Unknown (13:40):
Would does make sense, but with virtual like how you
and I are doing it right now, tome, that would be the next best
thing. So fire on the Zoom. Fireup a zoom, fire up a FaceTime.
And if that doesn't work, thenput it in text. But here's the
there's a problem with textmessages versus talking. A lot
of times in text, you makeassumptions that the person
(14:01):
understands what you're talkingabout, what you mean. A lot of
people don't even usepunctuation anymore, and there
are a lot of examples out thereon the internet, when people
don't use punctuation, itchanges what you're trying to
say.
Kristen Daukas (14:14):
It does. And I need to understand why Gen Z is
so down on punctuation. Yeah, Iknow.
Unknown (14:20):
And it changes. So there can be a lot more
confusion, which means a lotmore headache and suffering for
what if you have theconversation, and it's easier to
relax somebody when you're faceto face, also, because you can
touch, you can't say, oh, I'mgetting, you know, I'm hearing,
I'm hearing that you're gettinga little angry right now, I want
you to know X, Y or Z, That'snot my intent. What can I do to
(14:42):
make this better? It's so mucheasier to get control of the
conversation in a positive waywhen you're face to face and
when you're talking aboutsomething that's super serious.
I think it's better. Now, somelistener out there might go,
Wait a second, I'm inCalifornia, and there. In New
York. Okay, I got it, then Igotcha. Okay, you can't be face
(15:04):
to face, but you do have virtualyou do have a virtual
connection. And
Kristen Daukas (15:08):
if it's important, schedule the time.
Absolutely schedule the time. Solet's talk a little bit about we
live in a melting pot country.
What about couples that arerelationships that are
multicultural, because it's verywell known that way. We say
certain things in America maynot be the same. Have the same
land, the same way and withsomeone in another country. So
(15:30):
has that ever been Are theredifferences there that we should
be aware of?
Unknown (15:38):
There are, there are differences, particularly when
it comes to affection. Somecultures are more touchy feely.
They're going to hug more,they're going to touch more,
they're going to kiss on thecheeks more. And that tends to
be like Spanish speakingcountries and Italy. Then you
have some other countries whereit's not as accepted. I'm not
(16:00):
saying people don't do thatbehind closed doors. I'm just
saying it's just it's showndifferently or not as
frequently. So if you havesomeone who comes from a culture
where hugging and kissing andtouching on the arm or the cheek
or the crest on the shoulder orthe back is super common, but
their partner isn't like that.
The partner who comes or hasthat the warm, touchy feely
(16:22):
culture, then they can perceivethat as, gosh, maybe I'm not as
loved as I thought. Maybe thisisn't as strong as a
relationship as I had hoped,where the other partner might
see the partner who wants allthe touching and hugging and
feeling like so demanding,needy, just so so needy, clingy,
exactly, so needy and clingy andoh my gosh, I thought I was
(16:47):
dating an adult, not a kid.
That's where the differencescome. Can come in. But look,
there's a solution to everyproblem. The way I see this,
there's more than one solutionto a given situation, and this
is where you talk and say, Hey,love one thing that I love about
our relationship. I love whenwe're affectionate. I love when
(17:07):
you reach out and you and I cankiss you or hug you or hold your
hand. I get the impression, Iget the sense that maybe that
doesn't work for you. So much,am I right? And they can say yes
or no and that starts aconversation. Notice. There's no
accusation, there's no judgment,it was safe, no criticism,
there's no finger pointing. Itis completely emotionally safe,
(17:30):
and that's the one thing that Ihave found in my work people
want so much is to feelemotionally safe, where they can
talk and not be judged or not becriticized or not be put down,
but accepted for their feelings.
The
Kristen Daukas (17:45):
whole safe thing is you're right, and what you
just said, what you were talkingabout, about creating that safe
zone, I have heard, and I wouldlike, if you don't mind,
explaining this, I've alwaysreferred to it as the Oreo
cookie approach when you have adifficult conversation, or
there's something about yourpartner or someone that you're
dealing with that you would liketo, you know, talk about, I've
(18:08):
always heard it called Oreocookie. Yeah,
Unknown (18:11):
so this is what it is.
It's when you start off withsomething positive. I love how
you and I talk every day. I lovethat at the end of the day, you
know, we take a walk, or we gowork out together. Okay, that's
the positive. Then the the whitepart of the cookie. You use that
analogy. This is where you talkabout something that you wish
was different, not a criticism,not a blame, but a wish. That
(18:34):
you wish was different, but Iwish on the weekends. Or I'm
noticing on the weekends, wedon't spend as much time
together as we do during theweek. And I wish that could be
different, and then you end withsomething positive, and I want
this to be different, so thatway you and I can just stay
connected, or continue to showeach other how much we love each
(18:54):
other. So you have the positive,then you have your wish, then
you have the negative, and thatreally makes a difference. It
does. It's very different thanif I were to say, You know what?
Why is it that we only spendtime together during the
weekdays, and we have like, anhour or two, which is great, but
then during the weekend, you'relike, Mia, what's going on
there? Your partner's gonna belike, Whoa, what? They're gonna
(19:15):
just back up, like, I'm nottalking to you, it just comes
across. And what's coming acrossis the frustration, but we're
all responsible for how wedeliver our messages. It's not
invalidating how you feel, whichis frustrated or angry or hurt,
but jumping on your partner, soto speak, to get your point
(19:37):
across is just not acceptable,because then their feelings get
hurt and they become angry. Sothey could either fight back or
they could close off and shutdown, and then either way, it's
a no win.
Some podcasts sound old, weatherbeaten and dull. Now there's a
(19:58):
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(20:19):
the Wheelers dog podcast,wherever you get podcasts.
Kristen Daukas (20:23):
Okay, so let's talk about and yes, that very
long pregnant pause. You'veworked with people, you've
worked with couples, you'veworked with individuals for
many, many years now, and I knowthat you're getting ready to
start a new project. So let'stalk a little bit about that.
Okay, and when, especiallyspecifically for couples, right?
(20:46):
Why don't we talk a little bitabout that as far as what you're
creating? Because I think it'sso, so important for couples.
Because, again, nobody should bealone unless you're a hermit,
but even then, you still gottahave some cats or dolls or
something like that, but we'renot, this is
Unknown (21:02):
what I always say. This is what I always say. We're not
made to be by ourselves, becauseif we were, we'd be able to
procreate by ourselves, true?
And I'm not talking abouttechnology intervention, because
even with technologyintervention, you still need a
sperm and an egg, which comesfrom two separate people, right?
That's a great way to not made.
We're just not made to be byourselves. And so I tend to work
(21:27):
more with women than men. Womentend to want self help. They
want they're more aggressive ina positive way of resolving
relationship issues. And a lotof times women, once they learn
how to do this, it's a simplertransition to their partner. And
(21:47):
I, what I do is that there aretwo different ways that I really
work with people right now andthen, one is in the heat of the
moment, like there are threedifferent ways that people tend
to get caught up in an argument.
And I'm talking about anargument either before, during
and after an argument. And thenthere's some people who just
don't want to argue at all, butthey know that having hard
(22:08):
discussions can be difficult,and it's a it's a necessity at
times. So then what I'll do isI'll help them strengthen their
communication skills, strengthenhow they're feeling, strengthen
their body language where itcomes across, more loving, and
it actually decreases thelikelihood of even having an
argument. So more it's apreventative approach, and that
(22:30):
has been really successful for alot of people.
Kristen Daukas (22:34):
Now are you going to start working with
couples in helping themunderstand the body language and
how it can help them navigateconflicts more effectively. And
by doing that, then you're gonnahave a better connection, right?
Unknown (22:48):
Yes, of course. So right now, I am working on an
online course that helps withthe preventative approach.
That's what I'm gonna tacklefirst, or I am tackling first,
and then I'll have one like,where people get stuck in those
three areas, either before,during or after an argument, to
help them, like, turn conflictinto closeness. So the first one
(23:10):
I'm talking about thispreventative approach is really
love more, argue less. And I dohave a belief, and I've seen it
with other people and withmyself, that when you love more,
you're really like riding acloud of hormones, of really
feel good hormones. You feelmore connected to your partner,
you're happier. You tend to behappier and you are angry, you
(23:32):
tend to be happier and relaxedthan you are stressed. And so
when there's a little bump or alittle hiccup in the road, it's
easier to maneuver aroundbecause you're loving more,
you're leading with love. Andthere's this exactly you're
leading with love, and it makesof the world of difference. So
there are two courses there, andthen I also offer concierge
(23:52):
coaching. So think about this.
Think about how many timespeople will, or women
particularly, will call afriend. I'm like, guess what? I
got to talk I got to talk toCharlie, and I got to talk to
Charlie about X, Y and Z.
Remember the last time I talkedto Charlie and blah, blah, blah
to happen? And then you it'slike, your friend becomes your
therapist, okay? Which sometimesthey can give you the best
advice, and other times theygive you the worst advice. But
(24:13):
the concierge coaching that Ioffer is like, I'm that friend.
You call me and say, okay,Charlie's going to be home, and
tonight, tonight, I'm going totalk to him. And these are my
concerns. I talk you through it.
What's the blueprint to havethis conversation? Then when
you're finished with thatconversation with Charlie, guess
what? Then you can talk to meagain, and I can help you
process it. What happened? Whereto go next time, how to pick up
and move on. So it's verydifferent than therapy, where,
(24:37):
generally speaking, you have tobook an appointment several
weeks or months in advancebefore you can get in. And by
then, the situation is over.
It's done. So I'm like, ondemand, if you will, enough for
the concierge. I was
Kristen Daukas (24:52):
gonna say, You know what you are. You're like,
we should call your company.
Rent a bestie.
Unknown (24:57):
Hi. I love that. Rent a bestie. That's.
Kristen Daukas (25:00):
Or is like, what was the, what was the Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire is the phonea friend of BESTie? I'd like
one. I think that's a greatidea, though, because you're
right. Because if you're talkingto someone that knows you and
Charlie, right, they might notbe Charlie's favorite person, or
(25:20):
they, you know, Charlie may notbe their favorite person, and
they always, always have yourbest interest at heart, right?
They're not as objective.
They're not going to sit thereand say, okay, and, you know,
for me, what I've started to dois like, what is the end what is
the end result that I want? Andthen, you know, reverse engineer
that, right? If this is what Iwant in the end, what do I need
(25:41):
to do to get that? If it's likeI want you to take out the trash
more often, you know, kind ofthing so. But I love the
concierge piece of it. Now, willyou, will you be working with
couples, or is it largely one onone? It's largely one on one?
Have you ever had, have you everworked with couples together to
(26:01):
get to some of this?
Unknown (26:05):
I have, but like I said earlier, women tend to seek out
the help. Yeah, more frequently,absolutely. And it's easier that
they'll make the time like therelationship is of utmost
important, and by golly, theyare going to figure out what is
going on where men, and I'm notputting every single person in a
(26:25):
specific category, I would neverdo that. But men, some men, tend
to say, whatever, it's going tobe fine. We're going to be okay.
The problem with that is, and itcould be true, what happens is,
is that the woman feels she'sbeing minimized, her opinion,
her point of view, her concern,the importance that she's
(26:47):
placing on their relationship,is being minimized. And that may
not be his intent at all. It maynot be. It's just how it lands.
So I tend to do more one on oneand then, but however, what I
teach one on one, it makes iteasier for them to use it in
action when they're havingconversations with their
partners. And you can seechanges almost immediately,
(27:08):
because it's a different way oflooking at the situation,
analyzing it and then reactingand responding to it. And a lot
of times with it, with a changein body language or in word
choices, because body languageand words go hand in hand,
because we talk to people in ourlives, we don't mimic and mime
everything, we just don't doconversation. And
Kristen Daukas (27:32):
then you have people like us that do both at
the same time. And then that's
Unknown (27:36):
right, then you have us with our hands, yeah,
Kristen Daukas (27:41):
we've gone through some similar
experiences, and we've learned alot, you know, together. And
there was, I remember, oneparticular person out there that
who you know, but made a greatcomment and that I thought he's
like, if you're giving the jobof the relationship to the man,
you're giving it to the wrongperson. And it is so very true,
(28:01):
because, you know, women, bynature, were the nurturers,
right? That's right. But youknow, I'm divorced, you're
divorced, you know. And there'sso many, you know, 50% are
divorced. And it's so true. Andhere's another reason why I
think women, like women, willtry and try and try and try and
try, right? And men tend to takea back seat and let the woman
(28:23):
drive it right. And then all ofa sudden, she's like, I'm done.
I have done everything. And thenall of a sudden, then the man
will pop up. You're like, whoa,wait, whoa, whoa, what happened?
You know, things were great. Andshe's like, Dude, I for the past
18 months, I've been trying toget you to talk and do these
things. And so I think whatyou're doing is such a valuable
thing, because giving people theresources and the tips and the
(28:47):
tools I had to learn this on myown, well, you helped too. I
mean, you know, just kind ofgetting better at being I mean,
like, nobody's a mind reader. Noone is a mind reader or not. And
it just Yes, these conversationscan be awkward to have. Yes,
they can be hard to have. Yes,you might have just like a
bowling ball in your stomach,but they're so important. If the
(29:08):
relationship is important, it'sworth the time to, you know,
work with someone like you tofind the right words and find
the right way to say it. So I amsuper excited that you're doing
this, and I love the conciergepiece of it, because, you know,
the sometimes people get alittle thrown off with the word
coach, because they're like, Allright, now I gotta sign up for a
(29:29):
12 month program type thing,right? But the fact that I know
that I can dial a bestie,because you're right, if I have
to wait for my therapist, I'mgonna forget what it was I was
so upset about, because that'sthe other thing about these
heated arguments, is theyusually pop up that they're
like, they're like, flash fires,you know, they pop up, that's
(29:49):
right, you deal with it, andthen it's gone. It's like, a lot
of times you don't even rememberit two weeks from now.
Unknown (29:54):
That is so true, if people would pay attention. To
their partner as much as theypay attention to their babies.
When their babies can't talk andall they do is cry to figure out
what's going on. What can I doto make the baby feel better?
And they do moms, moms do this,and dads do this too. Self
reflection. Okay, what is it?
What can I be doing better formy baby? What am I missing for
my baby right now, if peopleadults would give that level of
(30:17):
attention to detail, with theirown partners, relationships
would be completely different,completely different. But here's
the key though, one could argue,okay, Blanca babies are
dependent on their parents. Yep,check. Got it. But you know
what, if you have a partner wholoves you and you love each
other, it's worth it. Oh,absolutely. It's absolutely
(30:39):
worth it, because think aboutit, when you see somebody smile
at you, what do you do? Yourreflex is to smile back, not
snarl, unless you have historywith that person. That's a
totally different story. I'm nottalking about that, but I'm
going with everyday person thatyou see on the street, someone
smiles you smile back. It's thesame thing, that niceness, that
caring, that warmth. When yourpartner feels it, they can't
(31:00):
help but reciprocate it. It'swhen you get saucy. They get
saucy back then you add a littlemore spice. Well, guess what?
They're tripling down on thespice. But just think about if
it were positive. So payingattention to your partner and
trying to figure out how to makeit better, just like you would,
the attention you give to yourbaby, as long as it's a healthy
relationship is absolutely worthit.
Kristen Daukas (31:22):
So we've got a few more minutes, and one thing
I would like for you to explainto everyone, because I You
taught me, and I think it's soimportant, especially in any
kind of relationship, talk aboutthe baseline. Baseline
Unknown (31:38):
is huge. Baseline is how you typically are, how you
typically are with other people,how you typically present
yourself. For example, if youtalk with a slow rate of speech,
or do you talk with your hand?
Do you look up when you'rethinking about something? When
you get excited? Do you showthat excitement in your body
(31:58):
language? Do you move? Do youshuffle? What is it that's
happening? So it's reallyunderstanding how a person
presents themselves in anunstressful situation, a
situation no stress situation,where they're not in a position
where they feel like they haveto lie, but just how they are on
the daily. That's so important,because you know what their
baseline is, and then when yousee a change in their baseline,
(32:20):
that's your aha moment. You'relike, Kristen just changed. She
normally smiles, but right nowshe's not. She's kind of looking
down, and the corner of her lipsare coming down also. Then
that's a time not to make anaccusation. Kristen daukas
getting the sense that theremight be something on your mind,
would I be correct? That givesyou the opportunity to say, yep,
(32:42):
you're right, or no, you're notright. And that's really
important. You got to givepeople an out. You cannot come.
You can't corner somebody that'snot going to that doesn't come
across like really caring. Butwhen you ask a question and say,
Hey, this is what I'm noticing,you seem a little down. Am I
right? Oh my gosh, you seemreally excited today. Like,
what's getting you so excited?
(33:06):
Then they feel like, one, you'repaying attention to them, and
they're important to you. Andthen two, they matter to you
because you're asking nonthreatening questions. You're
asking questions of curiosity,questions that you can
understand them better.
Kristen Daukas (33:20):
And going back to what you were talking about,
especially with like, you know,and we're all guilty of it,
those of us that have children,right? When you're in mom mode,
everything else, I mean, andthat's was a very important
lesson that I learned in whensomebody asks me, who's getting
married, what's the piece ofadvice that you have to somebody
getting married? I'm like, thebabies are going to be fine.
Don't forget to date yourpartner, and we all in. And I
(33:43):
think that's sometimes, what cana lot of times happen in those
first marriages. And I'm notbeing negative. I love love I
love marriage. And you know itjust, you know, those are the
kind of things. And if youaren't paying attention to those
baselines before you know it,you know things are going to
start scrolling out of control.
And you know, if you're ifyou're aware of those, then
that's as Blanca was saying.
(34:03):
That gives you the opportunityto check in and say and and then
you check in with your own gutand go, Hmm, something's not
right here. Let's stop andfocus. So okay, yes, I will have
everything in the show notes forhow people can find you. But
tell me one of your favoritesuccess stories, one of your
favorite
Unknown (34:23):
success stories, one of my favorite success stories is
that I was working with a womanwhose partner was a little type
A and would come across as notbeing very sensitive to her
feelings when she was talking ortried to express things to him,
he interpreted it as they justinterpreted as wrong. So working
(34:45):
with me, she learned that herown anxiety kind of ramped up
the situation before the firstword came out of her mouth, just
based on what she was showing inher body language. And then
being able to role play with meand getting more comfortable.
All talking to her partner in away that really helps him get
his attention and helps himlisten. And one was a way she
(35:06):
was asking questions, where shethought she was actually asking
a question, but it really cameacross as though she was making
a command, because it cameacross came across as sharp and
pointed. And then her bodylanguage was one of of angst,
right? Once she learned what herbody language was doing, and she
could relax, and then she couldask a question, a real question,
(35:28):
she noticed a big difference inhow he would respond to her, and
it made him feel like she wasn'tbeing critical of him. And it
turned out to be a really nicesituation, because then it was
easier for them to havedifficult conversations.
Kristen Daukas (35:42):
That's amazing.
I love it. Thank you, my friend.
It has been an entertaining wewent a full 3735 3536 minutes.
But it's okay. It's good stuff.
Lots and lots of good stuff.
When do is the course ready yet,or is it or you're going to be
launching soon. Like
Unknown (36:04):
launching, I'm hoping, I'm hoping to be launching at
the end of August, but anybodywho wants to learn about it now
should just reach me at Blanca,at Blanca cob.com let me know
that you're interested. That'sfantastic. And what's really
going to be fun about thislaunch? It's really going to
it's a pilot launch, which meansthose who join a board now can
actually help refine the course.
So you really have a say. It'salmost like you're going to be
(36:25):
creating it with me. Nice. Sothat makes it super cool. It
makes it and that's
Kristen Daukas (36:30):
good for you too, because you get the
feedback, and you get to, youknow, it's like testing. It's
like test driving a car. Younever know if you're gonna like
it. And you'd like to push allthe buttons and things of that
nature, you know. Then you go,Oh no, I want the bigger I want
the better one. So I hope youhave a fantastic night. And
again, thank you for joining me.
I am sure everyone is going tolearn lots from this. And for
those of you who are out therelistening, thank you so much for
(36:53):
tuning in, and until next time,may your drinks be as strong as
the coffee you drink in themorning. Peace out, everybody,
as the saying goes, you don'thave to go home, but you can
stay here. And that's a wrap forthis week's episode. A big
thanks to my guests for sharingtheir story and to you for
(37:13):
listening. Don't forget to sharethe show with your friends and
spread the words and if you'dlike to be a guest on the show
the link is in the show notestill next time cheers you.
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