March 20, 2025 • 43 mins
In today's episode of the Core Happiness Podcast, host Kacee Banks welcomes Dr. Lewis, a psychologist, author, and Tai Chi and Yoga instructor. We delve into the transformative power of storytelling as a tool for self-awareness and meaningful connections, discussing Dr. Lewis's four-step approach to effective communication. This episode covers the benefits of mind-body practices, how to use storytelling to address issues like bullying, and strategies for building genuine relationships in both personal and professional settings. Listen in to explore how these techniques can enhance your happiness and connection with others.
Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/QVvNJ9QUuBw
FREE DOWNLOAD!
https://4stepsconnect.ck.page/podcast-gift
Contact Dr. Lewis:
- Facebook Profile URL https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100094524753181
- LinkedIn URL https://www.linkedin.com/in/suanne-lewis-26849768
- Youtube Profile URL - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfOe-lLOxR_kza7GRVzGBXg
- Website https://www.4stepsconnect.com
Dr. Lewis is currently working on a non-fiction book focused on self-help healthful techniques for busy caregivers, which is planned to be published in mid-2025.
- https://amzn.to/4bEQdJ3
CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction to Core Happiness
00:49 Meet Dr. Lewis: Psychologist and Storyteller
05:28 The Power of Storytelling
10:40 Four Steps to Meaningful Connection
22:47 Applying the Four Steps in Daily Life
25:35 Challenges and Solutions in Digital Communication
34:16 Parenting Tips for Better Communication
38:43 Self-Care Techniques for Caregivers
42:16 Conclusion and Resources
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (00:00):
We go through the day kind of putting on this
(00:02):
facial mask of looking very interestedor looking very serious or looking very
friendly, but then we come home, weneed to relax and just be who we are.
(00:25):
Welcome to the Core Happiness Podcast.
I'm your host, Kacee Banks , amindset and positive psychology coach.
On this podcast, we discuss all thingsrelated to creating happiness from within.
so let's do it
(00:46):
Welcome to the Core Happiness Podcast.
Today I'm joined by Dr.
Lewis, a psychologist, author, andinstructor of Tai Chi and Yoga.
What the Passion for Storytelling, Dr.
Lewis uses, It teaches tales tohelp people develop self awareness,
build relationships and mindfullyengage with the world around them.
She has worked with individuals ofall ages, using stories as a powerful
(01:09):
tool for learning and connection.
And this episode, we are goingto explore how storytelling can
transform conversations, herfour step approach to meaningful
connection and the expanding spiral ofcommunication across all generations.
will be a free resource foryou, our listeners from Dr.
Lewis.
So be sure to check out theshow notes So let's dive in.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (01:31):
Dr.
Lewis, welcome to the podcast.
So, so happy to have you here.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Thank you for inviting me. (01:37):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (01:39):
Of course, you have such a diverse background
and I'm so excited for this conversationbecause not only are you a psychologist,
you are an author, it's like multifaceted.
And I am so intrigued by that.
What inspired you to integrate all thesedifferent disciplines to your work.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (01:58):
I've been interested in being a helping
professional and so for years Iworked as a social worker and then.
my training to be a psychologist.
After that, I got a post doctorate inneuropsychology, I just like to learn.
in the process of that, I think partof it is that I observed that my
(02:23):
mother was a very anxious person.
And, um, An unhappy kind of
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (02:29):
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: unfulfilled, I guess. (02:30):
undefined
I think that prompted me to work harderto find interests that I was enjoying.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (02:39):
hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: did not want to be anxious. (02:41):
undefined
I did not want that tospill over into the world.
so I began to practice meditation andlearned Tai Chi, so eventually, I was
working in a psychiatric hospital andobserving that because I'm a physical
(03:03):
person, as I would do therapy, I mightwalk with people and help them calm
down as we're talking And I began torealize that folks often when they're
anxious, don't work with their bodies.
Their bodies are foreign to them.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (03:18):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: move in a comfortable way. (03:19):
undefined
And so I wanted to be able toteach them how to have control
over at least something.
They were committed to a hospital.
They were on medications.
They had people taking care ofthem and I just felt that they
needed to be more independent.
(03:40):
And so that's when I got myteaching, Accreditations for Tai
Chi, which I had been fascinated byfor a long time, as well as yoga.
And they absolutely helpedme, and so I continue that
and I, I still teach Tai Chi.
I teach gentle, yoga than I used to asI've gotten older, but I use it every day.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: That's beautiful. (04:06):
undefined
My father used to take a couple of classesand he would say that it's very mind body.
It's more focused on themind body connection.
would you agree with that?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Oh, absolutely. (04:17):
undefined
Because it's moving energy and
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (04:22):
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: we are energy (04:23):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm, mm hmm. (04:25):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (04:28):
that energy in, we move it through our energy
centers and through our energy channels.
we can begin to experience that from a.
a cognitive or a conscious point of view,but also from an emotional perspective.
(04:49):
And, it's, it's just a wonderful practice.
And I've actually used that withpeople who have had strokes, who have
impaired movement and helping themmove their arms and focusing and.
Just feeling that, sense ofenergy moving through them.
(05:10):
because it is general,but it's healing as well.
It builds immune response yougot me started on something.
I'm just delighted with
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I think you're delighted about all the (05:23):
undefined
things we're going to talk about today.
So that's good.
speaking of things that you are excitedabout, I know a lot of your writings
focus on telling tales and storytelling.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (05:35):
Yes
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: And I was hoping you could tell (05:36):
undefined
us what drew you to storytellingas a way to get people to connect.
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: tell stories, people. (05:47):
undefined
visualize what you're talking about.
They visualize the charactersand the scenes and they hear the
language and they hear words thatmaybe they haven't heard before.
kind of an example of thatwhen I think of stories.
I think of my grandmother who livednext door to me and she was of Welsh
(06:08):
background, very quiet, little baker.
housekeeper woman.
I would run over there because I just liketo escape and I like to chase her cat.
the cat didn't like me so I would runafter the cat and meet my grandmother on
the back porch and she would invite me toa swing on the front porch with the cat.
(06:30):
we would swing and she wouldcalm the cat and she would
calm her little granddaughter.
But she would tell stories aboutHer background and she would use
these terms like flibbertigibbet andthese Welsh words that I found to be
fascinating and so I always wanted herto tell me something about those words.
(06:54):
so to me, stories have relatedto me to comfortable times, to
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (06:59):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (07:00):
when I was very much loved and soothed by my
grandmother, but also my extended family.
I had a nice extended family.
The idea of stories is that, we alltell stories, that's what makes us
human, because we can relate ourhistories in a way that animals can't,
(07:21):
Words also can be magical.
The emotions related to those wordsand the situations help us to develop
a sense of how we relate to the worldand how we relate to other people.
And so It presents us with a nonthreatening way expressing ourselves
(07:47):
without having to tell somethingspecific about our background
or a problem we had that day.
We can relate to it in another wayBut in that way we can learn how
to problem solve and how to thinkthrough things, which helps build,
particularly children, helps build
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (08:05):
hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: without it being so threatening. (08:09):
undefined
Now we can talk about, abullying situation in a story.
And the child doesn't have to relate tous how they were bullied that day and
how that made them cry and one of theirfriends just teased them about that.
We can relate to them withthis story and they can talk
(08:31):
about, I didn't like that bully.
I, I wish that he wouldhave done this or that.
And I would.
never want to be his friend again.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (08:41):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: it's a little bit more abstract. (08:42):
undefined
And so that gives an opportunity totalk and relate in a way that's non
threatening, but very meaningful.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, and it sounds like especially the (08:53):
undefined
example with the child and the bullying,it sounds like storytelling can be a
way to tap into that self awareness
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Absolutely. (09:03):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: of how you're feeling. (09:04):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: saying, what did you do or how did, (09:05):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (09:07):
hmm.
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: But let's talk about this bully. (09:09):
undefined
what do you think shouldhappen with this situation?
it gives a way to be a little bitfarther removed so that you're
not so caught up in the emotions.
You can relate to the emotions, but you'renot so caught up in them that you freeze.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (09:28):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: what we do, when we get (09:29):
undefined
anxious or scared or stressed.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I know the example was with a (09:34):
undefined
child and bullying, but is thissomething for all ages, like with
storytelling and the connection?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Oh, I think so, yeah. (09:40):
undefined
I mean, I think we relate to myths.
sure you've heard ofthe ugly duckling story
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (09:48):
Yes.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: that idea that sometimes we (09:49):
undefined
don't fit into a group and the
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (09:54):
undefined
Mm.
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (09:58):
and yet that doesn't mean that we don't
fit in with other groups and it'sa matter of, continuing on until we
find that group or that commonalitythat makes us feel comfortable.
recognized and accepted.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: when you talk about problem solving (10:19):
undefined
and conflicts and maybe resolvingconflicts, is storytelling successful?
And I know you said the wordremoved, but is it sort of to help
with emotional regulation in termsof being able to convey how you're
feeling without, self censoring?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: certainly. (10:38):
undefined
Yeah.
And one of the ways the bookI've written, do you know how
to talk with your young child?
one of the ways that I look at censoringis by using that four step approach
that I, I talk about where If youcan engage a child in a conversation,
(10:59):
if you can really set an intentiontalk with your child at least 20
minutes a week, but certainly morethan that would be wonderful, but,
that quiet special time where you andthe child are just together, You do
two things that are really important.
One is that you get rid of the wiggles.
(11:22):
And I don't mean wiggles for just thechild, I mean wiggles for the adult
as well, because we build up tension.
We go through the day kind of puttingon this facial mask of looking very
interested or looking very seriousor looking very friendly, but then we
come home, we perhaps need to relaxour face and just be who we are.
(11:48):
We need to lower our shoulders becausemost of us are sitting and texting
like this for a lot of the day,and so we might need to stretch our
legs or whatever part of our bodieshave been stressed during the day.
Little ones have beenrunning, jumping, playing.
rolling around in the dirt.
And so they too needto get the wiggles out.
(12:11):
And so part
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, (12:12):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: of stretching. (12:18):
undefined
And it could be just like, a yogawhere we stretch each arm over and
stretch a couple of times, whateverit is, the focus attention, and this
is where much media the phone dinging,the text, the, computer calling our
(12:41):
name in some way, social media, haveshortened our attention spans.
Social media is grand in lots of waysbut our attention spans are pulled in
a variety of directions and so reallybeing able to work on attention span
for just a moment that child or helpsthat adult be able to turn off those
(13:06):
things and do some deep breathing
and it can be as simple as breathingdown into the belly, up into the
chest, holding that for four counts,and then releasing the chest.
releasing the belly, squeezing the bellyin so that the diaphragm releases toxins,
(13:27):
holding it out for a few counts, and doingthat a few times, and then even setting
an intention after you've done that That'sa way of being able to cope with talking
and problem solving in a way that's nonthreatening and in a way that's genuine
(13:49):
one thing that I talk about, in that wholeprocess of the four steps is to make that,
a delight, to make that a special time.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: And I know you mentioned the, four (13:59):
undefined
step, approach to conversing andconnecting that you developed.
could you actually take usthrough what those four steps are?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (14:09):
Sure.
the first one, would be the stretching.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (14:12):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (14:13):
in the book, I have several different stories.
And so with each one, I have differentstretches and different breathing
techniques to focus attention.
So the stretching would be the first oneto release muscle tension and, and to
release tension and the stress of the day.
And then the It looks likeyou can relate to that.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (14:35):
I
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (14:36):
like,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: think a lot of people can. (14:37):
undefined
It's, it's the, especially since thepandemic and a lot of people are working
remotely and working at home, I hear alot where the decompression time that
you would normally have at the endof the day just isn't there anymore.
so I think a lot of peopleare struggling with that.
I think a lot of peoplecan relate to that.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Well, I agree with you and it's (14:56):
undefined
interesting because I used to driveabout 10 miles to work and 10 miles
back and that let me release tension.
But if traffic was heavy, myshoulders would come up around my
ears and my hands would be on thesteering wheel gripped for a while.
And so then, I would need tostretch my fingers, and stretch
(15:17):
my shoulders, and stretch my neck.
And so those are the kinds of thingsthat I would do in that first step.
And the second step would bethen, just focus our attention.
And by that, I think about the termmindfulness that we hear so much,
and it can become meaningless whenwe hear a term repeatedly, but when I
(15:39):
think about mindfulness, I think aboutbeing totally the spot where we're in.
We are attention to theperson who's in front of us.
We're paying attentionto our own feelings.
We're not thinking about whathappened 10 minutes ago or yesterday.
(16:00):
We're not thinking about whatwe're going to do tomorrow.
We're not thinking about the text thatjust dinged on the phone or anything.
We're right there.
And it could be that, in thatstep, we would do a deep breathing
we would just sink into thesoles of our feet and just, ah.
(16:21):
But, The, the real intention isto just let go of those and then
building that quiet space mightbe to not have a set space that's
set aside but that it's quiet.
The TV is off.
there aren't any, machines callingyour name And so that becomes
(16:42):
a really rewarding place whereyou're just paying attention.
to talking.
And then the story, the storiesthat I write typically are tails.
and by that I mean that they set upa situation, and most of them have
animals in them, and the animals talk,or communicate with us in some way.
(17:06):
they're setting up a situation like,friendship, forgiveness, taking
responsibility, being assertive,dealing with jealousy, things like that,
and so they're just kind of general.
Themes, it's setting the groundwork,the description, the visual the
(17:27):
characters, and how they might feel.
is there a problem?
How would you deal with that problem?
And so, when we talk about the stepabout communicating, we're telling
the story, and we're communicatingby using open ended questions.
(17:47):
We're communicating by, not askingwhy, because when we ask why questions,
that can make someone feel defensive,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (17:57):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (17:58):
And so we asked, tell me more about that?
what else were you thinkingabout in regard to that?
But with the communication,listening with your body.
Now, by that I mean thatyou listen with your eyes.
You look that person and howthey're responding to you.
(18:20):
Are they comfortable?
Are they anxious?
Are they jittery?
You listen with your ears.
You hear their voice tone.
their, volume.
what they're saying and the pauseswhen they're not saying anything.
you hear the rhythm of their voice.
(18:42):
Is it slow and dull and worried?
You listen with your heart.
By that I mean that you project andfeel that love and acceptance and
interest in somebody who's differentfrom you, even though they're your child
loved one, or they're your employee.
(19:06):
You're listening becausethey're very different.
they have different experiencesfrom you every single moment.
And in your eyes, you let them knowthat you really care about them.
And want to hear what they have to say.
(19:26):
you also listen with yourpositioning, your posture.
You want to look interested, so youwant to be relaxed, but you might lean
forward if you want to hear the person,if they're speaking quietly or, if
you both feel comfortable, you mightwant to be close and touch hands or
touch one another lightly, it dependson the relationship that you have.
(19:50):
And so, those are ways that I thinkabout, That third step of communication,
the fourth step is simply engaging andwilling to share something about how you
see the story or how you're interested intheir answers and what that might be like.
that's the engagement and the engagementis a long term process, that building
(20:16):
over time, the respect and, the trust inone another you want to be able to allow
people that you interact with to youand you want them to know that you them.
and respect their thoughts.
(20:38):
If, you disagree, you can disagree, it'sfine, you both are different people and
you might not see things the same way.
Those are basically the four steps,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: especially (20:50):
undefined
at step two, when it's more likecrafting the story, do you feel
that everybody can craft a story?
That everybody can be a storyteller?
And I asked that because when I wasworking in advertising earlier in my
career, that's kind of what always,people always try to get to the story,
what's the story we're trying to tell.
(21:10):
And sometimes people would belike, I don't really have a story.
I'm not a good storyteller.
And when listening to those foursteps, it seems like anybody could
have a story or anybody can, craftthat story in terms of a connection.
And I was wondering whatyour take is on that.
Do you feel that anybody cantell a story or what makes a good
(21:33):
story that helps with connection?
Absolutely.
And I'm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (21:43):
And so I think that people can tell stories
in the sense that They can relate, evenif they can't craft and develop a story
on their own, they can find storiesthat have themes in them that might be
(22:03):
helpful for a conversation or, for abusiness proposition or what have you.
So you don't have to be, creativeperson, I think you can find
stories that, that might relate.
and that can be very helpful andvery powerful, but, There are
(22:24):
marvelous stories in every culturethat hit on those emotional themes
that people have across cultures.
They use different language,they use different characters,
but the themes are similar.
And I think we can use those andbe very powerful in that regard.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: glad that you gave that as an example, (22:48):
undefined
because I actually was going to ask youwhen we're thinking about the four steps,
how they can be applied to strengthenwhether it's personal relationships,
whether it's work relationships,family, friends, can those steps be
applied in all of those situations?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (23:05):
I think that the stretching, you know,
if you're going to a cocktail party andyou don't know anybody, you can buzz
in the bathroom and just stretch andrelease that tension and take a few
nice breaths and say, I can do this.
I can calm down and I canrelate to people because.
(23:26):
I am going to mindfully go in that room,and I am going to relate to a few people,
and I am going to pay attention to them.
I'm going to listen with my whole body.
I'm going to Perhaps even tell a littlestory about my day so it gives me a
(23:50):
way to Converse, but it's not magic andit's not Hokey, it's being Real with the
person that you're in front of one ofthe examples that I give in my book It
talks about feel like it's a gift and I'msure you've had this situation yourself
(24:11):
where you've engaged in a conversationwith somebody and you feel like you are
the only person in the room because thatperson is attending to you and they're
interested and they're Asking relevantquestions but they're really focused on
(24:32):
interacting with you as an interesting,different person than they themselves are.
And it is A wonderful experienceand very memorable because
we don't always get that.
You know, we have people talking tous and they're looking to see who
else is in the room So I think it'ssuch a gift to be able to do that.
(24:54):
And I think it is absolutelysomething that can be done by,
people in, social settings.
in professional settings.
And I think that when we do thatin a professional setting, the
employee who Never really settlesand never really pays attention.
(25:15):
They're just busy thinkingabout where they need to go
next or what's on their desk.
They're not really interactingindividually with the people in their
meeting or with their supervisor or withtheir colleagues or their supervisees.
so I think it's very appropriate for that.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, and I'm wondering, how does (25:35):
undefined
it work in today's world where weare living in such a digital world,
and the face to face interaction isnot as frequent as it used to be?
How do we still foster these principlesto form these genuine connections?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: It's interesting. (25:56):
undefined
That's a challenge to me.
But but it's interesting as I rightnow, because I was used to working for
3040 years where I could walk down thisdown the hallway and see my colleagues
and talk to them and problem solve.
But now that I'm writing and I havebegun to interact with groups of writers
(26:21):
online and they're from all over.
They make an effort to show up, sharewhat they're doing, ask what other people
are doing, and give or take advice.
I have to take a lot of advicebecause I'm new to this.
(26:42):
it can be done.
but it takes attention just turningoff the text and things like that
so that you're not drawn away toother things while you're trying to
connect online is important, I think.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I agree. (26:57):
undefined
I think it's definitely challenging,but it can be done with effort.
I've noticed that even something interms of, giving the space and the
patience and I think it's importantfor us to hear someone's story and
not make judgments or assumptions.
even if it's through text social mediaor a video call or something like that.
(27:18):
I know we're, we're in this world.
Of instant gratification, and welike to rush things, and so we make
assumptions when somebody's talking orassume what point they're trying to make
before they even say a point, and so
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (27:32):
hmm,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: think, in the digital world, (27:33):
undefined
it's good to just be patient.
and present, like you're saying,
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (27:40):
mm
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: just mindful of paying attention (27:41):
undefined
and not trying to rush.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (27:45):
mm
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: And I, I think that's difficult for some (27:45):
undefined
people, but I think with some effort thatcan definitely help with fostering those,
relationships and connection becauseyou're actually listening and responding
appropriately to what you've, and then I'mgoing to say, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, um,
uh, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh,uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (28:06):
that idea that there's a sender and a receiver.
the sender has a message and thereceiver hears a message, but the
receiver might not have heard themessage the sender was sending.
The sender's responsibility isto check and make sure that the
(28:26):
message was received as intended.
or the receiver can check andsay, Is this what you meant?
And that's what you weredescribing, but it's not verbal.
It's not face to face.
And so many, I think, disagreementsstarted or hurt feelings
or whatever through email.
(28:48):
Because some people aren't,aren't real good at expressing
what they really mean by writing.
but I think that, reflective, receivinginformation is really important.
And as you say, it takes time.
But.
The time is worth it because wewant to communicate effectively.
(29:14):
in your core happiness program,you want people to be happy with
themselves and with other people.
that takes time.
If we just take for granted that whateverthe person said they meant, we could get
a whole lot of Difficulty with that, hurtfeelings, and miscommunication altogether,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (29:37):
I want to go back to that because I'm hoping
you can explain more about the conceptof expanding the spiral of communication
and relationships and how that canbe effective in our day to day lives.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (29:53):
It's just a term that I thought of as I was
talking about communication, and thatlistening to people if they're unique.
as if they're a person thatyou've never met before.
Maybe they're from a different planetand you're really interested in how
(30:13):
they, think and what they say andwhat they eat for dinner and whatnot.
And so you do that, you're showing thatperson that you really their uniqueness.
as you're willing to do the reflectivelistening that we talked about in either
in terms of writing or in hearing, weare actually building trust respect.
(30:41):
We're respecting them.
They're respecting our fairness.
They can trust us because if wemisunderstand, we're going to
check with them But over time itcan build because if that person
who's listening misunderstands,but they're willing to hear.
(31:01):
A clarification, thatbegins to build trust.
if you misunderstood them and you'reclarifying that You're helping them
to solve their problems in listening.
communicating.
And so giving them more language to use.
(31:23):
For example, for a young child ormaybe for a new employee, you're
giving them more language to use that'smore fine tuned to that industry,
that market that they're working in.
so that builds that sense of trustand it helps them build confidence.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I love the fact that it's (31:43):
undefined
touching on building trust.
I think that is, the foundationof any successful relationship,
I'm wondering for anyonewho's struggling with.
Connection, whether it's with a familymember, a friend, a colleague, what is
one small but yet powerful step thatthey could take today to help with that?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: I think the one small step would (32:08):
undefined
be to take that deep belly breath.
Just before interacting let that sinkthrough the soles of the feet so that
person is grounded, their lungs aregetting rid of toxins, their brain
is nourished with oxygen, then theycan say, I am ready to work on this.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (32:35):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Because if they are present (32:36):
undefined
there's far greater chance thatsome understanding will be reached
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (32:45):
undefined
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Or they, and they're, or they're (32:49):
undefined
saying to themselves all of thosecatastrophic thoughts that, Oh
no, this is not going to go well.
never get along.
This person never understands me.
And so that makes it so, becauseonly there in a difficult situation.
situation
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (33:09):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: mind's eye. (33:09):
undefined
So if they can calm and they canbe grounded, have a much better
chance of relating effectively.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: That's beautiful. (33:18):
undefined
I love that because I think so many peopleare, anxiety is a big thing nowadays.
I mean, we just are living in aworld where there are a lot of
things that people are anxiousabout, and rightfully so.
But I think that is very important becauseI think a lot of us, because there's
just so much anxiety, there's overwhelm,stress, we, are often in a more closed
(33:43):
off state than we usually would be.
And so when we have that centeringbreath and we are grounding ourselves,
I think that opens us up to receive.
So if somebody is communicating,we're able to receive better.
And I think that we're able to communicatebetter because we're coming more from
a place of calm, like you've said.
(34:03):
So I think that that's beautiful.
One of the things that I wanted totalk about, I know we talked about
this a little bit, but you createda free resource for the listeners
to download, which was the relatingeffectively with your child.
And we talked about it a little bitat the beginning of the episode, but
I wanted to bring it up again, becauseI know that some people They struggle
(34:25):
connecting with their children and Iknow we talked a little bit about things
that they could do in terms of theconnecting and play and quiet times like
going through those four steps, but canyou take us through just some common
communication mistakes that you haveseen parents make with their children
that should just be cautious to avoid.
(34:46):
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (34:52):
It talks about three different ways of parenting
and one of them is the authoritativeparent who is, it's my way or the highway,
and one of them is that parent whowants to be a friend with the child and
doesn't want create any boundaries atall, which can be equally as devastating.
(35:15):
And the third type, which is the onewhere children , are most in school,
they get better grades, they havebetter social skills and whatnot,
is that parent who has some clearboundaries, but they are very loving.
and they expect their child to talk withthem about the boundaries and understand
(35:39):
them, but they're not punitive andthey're, they're again that parent who,
who talks and understands what theirchild is dealing with and who they are.
Actually, they're notthe little me who will
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Right. (35:55):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: as I say. (35:55):
undefined
I know a lot of young parents who havechildren in elementary to middle school
and they're, deeply trying, but they worka full time job and they have a child or
two or and they believe that everythingis That their child wants to do and
(36:17):
things that other people's children wantto do should be what they're involved in.
many dance groups, sports teamsother kinds of clubs and things.
And so what happens is thatevery evening they're, picking
up their child from school andthey're running them to an event.
And then they're driving through a fastfood restaurant, dinner in the car.
(36:41):
And then they come home and theydo a bit of homework and the
child has a bath and goes to bed.
That's well meaning, and it's okay.
I think children really need to expandtheir ability and understand, what they
like to do and what they're good at.
, but for parents, I think that one isone that if you, if they can slow down.
(37:03):
again, just because there are allthese things that are available, maybe
we need to take some time to interactwith them and let them relax, teach
them some ways of relaxing being calmand thinking critically and planning
(37:24):
some little projects that they would do.
That's another part of the book Planningsome projects that a parent would
do with a child, at home, maybe it'sjust drawing a picture of one of the
characters in their story that you'regoing to hang on the, the refrigerator.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (37:42):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: What materials do you want? (37:43):
undefined
What kind of paper will you use?
Maybe one of them is about a, a bird.
And so, oh, I wonder what it wouldbe like to put a bird feeder out?
What would we need for that?
Can we make a bird feeder?
So that again, we begin to helpthat child begin critical thinking,
(38:05):
is a way of planning something,cooperating with somebody,
organizing materials, follow through.
Follow
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (38:14):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: is a big deal in critical thinking. (38:15):
undefined
And it's not as receptiveas you're supposed to be.
and being on a team where maybeyou don't play very well anyway and
you sit on the bench, but you'rejust there, you know, because it's
something that other people are doing.
again, it's like thinking about thechild as an individual and helping
(38:37):
them develop these individualskills that might, you know, be
very helpful to them in the future.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, and then you also have another (38:43):
undefined
book coming out in a couple ofmonths, I think, don't you, as the
that's focused on self help fortechniques for caregivers as well?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: yeah, I do. (38:55):
undefined
Thank you for reminding me.
The working title is Beat a Retreat.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (39:02):
Hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: where people who are caregivers, maybe (39:09):
undefined
for children, maybe for unhealthy.
Family members or for elderly familymembers, have a full time consideration,
and it's stressful because not onlyare they dealing with their own issues,
but they're dealing with the A lot ofother issues for another person, at
(39:30):
least one other person, maybe a couple.
then they're also dealingwith the possibilities of what
might happen if, if they fail.
there's also that self critical piece.
But, they don't have time.
To go to a retreat center.
They don't have the money,possibly, because worrying about
(39:53):
health care costs and things
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (39:54):
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (39:56):
the B to retreat is ways of, on a daily basis,
choosing the self help Kinds of thingslike some of the exercises from yoga and
tai chi and qigong that are soothing.
Maybe not a full practice, butthings that one could do and repeat
that just, ah, they feel so good.
(40:16):
Or, different ways of breathing that,that can relax when one is worried.
Self massage.
that can be used on hands andfeet, particularly neck, scalp,
but they're also wonderful to sharewith the person you're caring for.
those are some issues.
(40:36):
Some skin care just a variety of things.
These are things that I've, I'vewritten about in my blogs over the
years to give people ways of, well,meditation and visualization you
know, a gratitude journal or justa variety of things like that.
But those kinds of ways of bringingjoy into your life in an inexpensive,
(41:03):
way that it doesn't take you throughthe airport, and you don't need a
passport, and you don't need a chunkof money to pay for in advance, and you
don't need to get vacation time off.
that's kind of, that's the, the tonguein cheek kind of beater retreat kind
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: love that. (41:20):
undefined
I know a lot of people canbenefit from techniques like that.
So that's fantastic.
Do you have, Right.
And so we will see you next I love that.
I love that.
so
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: treating each person that you encounter, (41:40):
undefined
a store clerk, guy who's pushing all thecarts in from Costco or wherever, that
person as if they're special unique,and just finding that when you do that,
You get greeted back the same way.
(42:00):
It's just lovely.
It's such a gift and it's such a surprisebecause so many times when we're out and
about we feel invisible and so we can dowith total strangers as well as people
we really care for and it brings us joy.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: much for joining us. (42:19):
undefined
Bye.
Bye.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: appreciate it. (42:24):
undefined
To our core happinesslisteners, all of Dr.
Lewis's contact information willbe listed in the show notes as
well as a link to the free downloadas well as her upcoming book.
I thank you for joining me today.
If you enjoyed this podcast, pleasefeel free to rate it or leave a review.
If you have any thoughts or questions,I would love to hear from you.
(42:47):
You can email podcast core happiness.com.
For show notes and additional resources.
You can visit www.corehappiness.com.
as always, please remember, neverlet anyone diminish your light.
Until next time, sending you my love.
We go through the day kind of putting on this
(00:02):
facial mask of looking very interestedor looking very serious or looking very
friendly, but then we come home, weneed to relax and just be who we are.
(00:25):
Welcome to the Core Happiness Podcast.
I'm your host, Kacee Banks , amindset and positive psychology coach.
On this podcast, we discuss all thingsrelated to creating happiness from within.
so let's do it
(00:46):
Welcome to the Core Happiness Podcast.
Today I'm joined by Dr.
Lewis, a psychologist, author, andinstructor of Tai Chi and Yoga.
What the Passion for Storytelling, Dr.
Lewis uses, It teaches tales tohelp people develop self awareness,
build relationships and mindfullyengage with the world around them.
She has worked with individuals ofall ages, using stories as a powerful
(01:09):
tool for learning and connection.
And this episode, we are goingto explore how storytelling can
transform conversations, herfour step approach to meaningful
connection and the expanding spiral ofcommunication across all generations.
will be a free resource foryou, our listeners from Dr.
Lewis.
So be sure to check out theshow notes So let's dive in.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (01:31):
Dr.
Lewis, welcome to the podcast.
So, so happy to have you here.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Thank you for inviting me. (01:37):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (01:39):
Of course, you have such a diverse background
and I'm so excited for this conversationbecause not only are you a psychologist,
you are an author, it's like multifaceted.
And I am so intrigued by that.
What inspired you to integrate all thesedifferent disciplines to your work.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (01:58):
I've been interested in being a helping
professional and so for years Iworked as a social worker and then.
my training to be a psychologist.
After that, I got a post doctorate inneuropsychology, I just like to learn.
in the process of that, I think partof it is that I observed that my
(02:23):
mother was a very anxious person.
And, um, An unhappy kind of
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (02:29):
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: unfulfilled, I guess. (02:30):
undefined
I think that prompted me to work harderto find interests that I was enjoying.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (02:39):
hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: did not want to be anxious. (02:41):
undefined
I did not want that tospill over into the world.
so I began to practice meditation andlearned Tai Chi, so eventually, I was
working in a psychiatric hospital andobserving that because I'm a physical
(03:03):
person, as I would do therapy, I mightwalk with people and help them calm
down as we're talking And I began torealize that folks often when they're
anxious, don't work with their bodies.
Their bodies are foreign to them.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (03:18):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: move in a comfortable way. (03:19):
undefined
And so I wanted to be able toteach them how to have control
over at least something.
They were committed to a hospital.
They were on medications.
They had people taking care ofthem and I just felt that they
needed to be more independent.
(03:40):
And so that's when I got myteaching, Accreditations for Tai
Chi, which I had been fascinated byfor a long time, as well as yoga.
And they absolutely helpedme, and so I continue that
and I, I still teach Tai Chi.
I teach gentle, yoga than I used to asI've gotten older, but I use it every day.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: That's beautiful. (04:06):
undefined
My father used to take a couple of classesand he would say that it's very mind body.
It's more focused on themind body connection.
would you agree with that?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Oh, absolutely. (04:17):
undefined
Because it's moving energy and
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (04:22):
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: we are energy (04:23):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: hmm, mm hmm. (04:25):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (04:28):
that energy in, we move it through our energy
centers and through our energy channels.
we can begin to experience that from a.
a cognitive or a conscious point of view,but also from an emotional perspective.
(04:49):
And, it's, it's just a wonderful practice.
And I've actually used that withpeople who have had strokes, who have
impaired movement and helping themmove their arms and focusing and.
Just feeling that, sense ofenergy moving through them.
(05:10):
because it is general,but it's healing as well.
It builds immune response yougot me started on something.
I'm just delighted with
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I think you're delighted about all the (05:23):
undefined
things we're going to talk about today.
So that's good.
speaking of things that you are excitedabout, I know a lot of your writings
focus on telling tales and storytelling.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (05:35):
Yes
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: And I was hoping you could tell (05:36):
undefined
us what drew you to storytellingas a way to get people to connect.
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: tell stories, people. (05:47):
undefined
visualize what you're talking about.
They visualize the charactersand the scenes and they hear the
language and they hear words thatmaybe they haven't heard before.
kind of an example of thatwhen I think of stories.
I think of my grandmother who livednext door to me and she was of Welsh
(06:08):
background, very quiet, little baker.
housekeeper woman.
I would run over there because I just liketo escape and I like to chase her cat.
the cat didn't like me so I would runafter the cat and meet my grandmother on
the back porch and she would invite me toa swing on the front porch with the cat.
(06:30):
we would swing and she wouldcalm the cat and she would
calm her little granddaughter.
But she would tell stories aboutHer background and she would use
these terms like flibbertigibbet andthese Welsh words that I found to be
fascinating and so I always wanted herto tell me something about those words.
(06:54):
so to me, stories have relatedto me to comfortable times, to
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (06:59):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (07:00):
when I was very much loved and soothed by my
grandmother, but also my extended family.
I had a nice extended family.
The idea of stories is that, we alltell stories, that's what makes us
human, because we can relate ourhistories in a way that animals can't,
(07:21):
Words also can be magical.
The emotions related to those wordsand the situations help us to develop
a sense of how we relate to the worldand how we relate to other people.
And so It presents us with a nonthreatening way expressing ourselves
(07:47):
without having to tell somethingspecific about our background
or a problem we had that day.
We can relate to it in another wayBut in that way we can learn how
to problem solve and how to thinkthrough things, which helps build,
particularly children, helps build
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (08:05):
hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: without it being so threatening. (08:09):
undefined
Now we can talk about, abullying situation in a story.
And the child doesn't have to relate tous how they were bullied that day and
how that made them cry and one of theirfriends just teased them about that.
We can relate to them withthis story and they can talk
(08:31):
about, I didn't like that bully.
I, I wish that he wouldhave done this or that.
And I would.
never want to be his friend again.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (08:41):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: it's a little bit more abstract. (08:42):
undefined
And so that gives an opportunity totalk and relate in a way that's non
threatening, but very meaningful.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, and it sounds like especially the (08:53):
undefined
example with the child and the bullying,it sounds like storytelling can be a
way to tap into that self awareness
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Absolutely. (09:03):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: of how you're feeling. (09:04):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: saying, what did you do or how did, (09:05):
undefined
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (09:07):
hmm.
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: But let's talk about this bully. (09:09):
undefined
what do you think shouldhappen with this situation?
it gives a way to be a little bitfarther removed so that you're
not so caught up in the emotions.
You can relate to the emotions, but you'renot so caught up in them that you freeze.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (09:28):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: what we do, when we get (09:29):
undefined
anxious or scared or stressed.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I know the example was with a (09:34):
undefined
child and bullying, but is thissomething for all ages, like with
storytelling and the connection?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Oh, I think so, yeah. (09:40):
undefined
I mean, I think we relate to myths.
sure you've heard ofthe ugly duckling story
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (09:48):
Yes.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: that idea that sometimes we (09:49):
undefined
don't fit into a group and the
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (09:54):
undefined
Mm.
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (09:58):
and yet that doesn't mean that we don't
fit in with other groups and it'sa matter of, continuing on until we
find that group or that commonalitythat makes us feel comfortable.
recognized and accepted.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: when you talk about problem solving (10:19):
undefined
and conflicts and maybe resolvingconflicts, is storytelling successful?
And I know you said the wordremoved, but is it sort of to help
with emotional regulation in termsof being able to convey how you're
feeling without, self censoring?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: certainly. (10:38):
undefined
Yeah.
And one of the ways the bookI've written, do you know how
to talk with your young child?
one of the ways that I look at censoringis by using that four step approach
that I, I talk about where If youcan engage a child in a conversation,
(10:59):
if you can really set an intentiontalk with your child at least 20
minutes a week, but certainly morethan that would be wonderful, but,
that quiet special time where you andthe child are just together, You do
two things that are really important.
One is that you get rid of the wiggles.
(11:22):
And I don't mean wiggles for just thechild, I mean wiggles for the adult
as well, because we build up tension.
We go through the day kind of puttingon this facial mask of looking very
interested or looking very seriousor looking very friendly, but then we
come home, we perhaps need to relaxour face and just be who we are.
(11:48):
We need to lower our shoulders becausemost of us are sitting and texting
like this for a lot of the day,and so we might need to stretch our
legs or whatever part of our bodieshave been stressed during the day.
Little ones have beenrunning, jumping, playing.
rolling around in the dirt.
And so they too needto get the wiggles out.
(12:11):
And so part
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, (12:12):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: of stretching. (12:18):
undefined
And it could be just like, a yogawhere we stretch each arm over and
stretch a couple of times, whateverit is, the focus attention, and this
is where much media the phone dinging,the text, the, computer calling our
(12:41):
name in some way, social media, haveshortened our attention spans.
Social media is grand in lots of waysbut our attention spans are pulled in
a variety of directions and so reallybeing able to work on attention span
for just a moment that child or helpsthat adult be able to turn off those
(13:06):
things and do some deep breathing
and it can be as simple as breathingdown into the belly, up into the
chest, holding that for four counts,and then releasing the chest.
releasing the belly, squeezing the bellyin so that the diaphragm releases toxins,
(13:27):
holding it out for a few counts, and doingthat a few times, and then even setting
an intention after you've done that That'sa way of being able to cope with talking
and problem solving in a way that's nonthreatening and in a way that's genuine
(13:49):
one thing that I talk about, in that wholeprocess of the four steps is to make that,
a delight, to make that a special time.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: And I know you mentioned the, four (13:59):
undefined
step, approach to conversing andconnecting that you developed.
could you actually take usthrough what those four steps are?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (14:09):
Sure.
the first one, would be the stretching.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (14:12):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (14:13):
in the book, I have several different stories.
And so with each one, I have differentstretches and different breathing
techniques to focus attention.
So the stretching would be the first oneto release muscle tension and, and to
release tension and the stress of the day.
And then the It looks likeyou can relate to that.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (14:35):
I
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (14:36):
like,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: think a lot of people can. (14:37):
undefined
It's, it's the, especially since thepandemic and a lot of people are working
remotely and working at home, I hear alot where the decompression time that
you would normally have at the endof the day just isn't there anymore.
so I think a lot of peopleare struggling with that.
I think a lot of peoplecan relate to that.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Well, I agree with you and it's (14:56):
undefined
interesting because I used to driveabout 10 miles to work and 10 miles
back and that let me release tension.
But if traffic was heavy, myshoulders would come up around my
ears and my hands would be on thesteering wheel gripped for a while.
And so then, I would need tostretch my fingers, and stretch
(15:17):
my shoulders, and stretch my neck.
And so those are the kinds of thingsthat I would do in that first step.
And the second step would bethen, just focus our attention.
And by that, I think about the termmindfulness that we hear so much,
and it can become meaningless whenwe hear a term repeatedly, but when I
(15:39):
think about mindfulness, I think aboutbeing totally the spot where we're in.
We are attention to theperson who's in front of us.
We're paying attentionto our own feelings.
We're not thinking about whathappened 10 minutes ago or yesterday.
(16:00):
We're not thinking about whatwe're going to do tomorrow.
We're not thinking about the text thatjust dinged on the phone or anything.
We're right there.
And it could be that, in thatstep, we would do a deep breathing
we would just sink into thesoles of our feet and just, ah.
(16:21):
But, The, the real intention isto just let go of those and then
building that quiet space mightbe to not have a set space that's
set aside but that it's quiet.
The TV is off.
there aren't any, machines callingyour name And so that becomes
(16:42):
a really rewarding place whereyou're just paying attention.
to talking.
And then the story, the storiesthat I write typically are tails.
and by that I mean that they set upa situation, and most of them have
animals in them, and the animals talk,or communicate with us in some way.
(17:06):
they're setting up a situation like,friendship, forgiveness, taking
responsibility, being assertive,dealing with jealousy, things like that,
and so they're just kind of general.
Themes, it's setting the groundwork,the description, the visual the
(17:27):
characters, and how they might feel.
is there a problem?
How would you deal with that problem?
And so, when we talk about the stepabout communicating, we're telling
the story, and we're communicatingby using open ended questions.
(17:47):
We're communicating by, not askingwhy, because when we ask why questions,
that can make someone feel defensive,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (17:57):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (17:58):
And so we asked, tell me more about that?
what else were you thinkingabout in regard to that?
But with the communication,listening with your body.
Now, by that I mean thatyou listen with your eyes.
You look that person and howthey're responding to you.
(18:20):
Are they comfortable?
Are they anxious?
Are they jittery?
You listen with your ears.
You hear their voice tone.
their, volume.
what they're saying and the pauseswhen they're not saying anything.
you hear the rhythm of their voice.
(18:42):
Is it slow and dull and worried?
You listen with your heart.
By that I mean that you project andfeel that love and acceptance and
interest in somebody who's differentfrom you, even though they're your child
loved one, or they're your employee.
(19:06):
You're listening becausethey're very different.
they have different experiencesfrom you every single moment.
And in your eyes, you let them knowthat you really care about them.
And want to hear what they have to say.
(19:26):
you also listen with yourpositioning, your posture.
You want to look interested, so youwant to be relaxed, but you might lean
forward if you want to hear the person,if they're speaking quietly or, if
you both feel comfortable, you mightwant to be close and touch hands or
touch one another lightly, it dependson the relationship that you have.
(19:50):
And so, those are ways that I thinkabout, That third step of communication,
the fourth step is simply engaging andwilling to share something about how you
see the story or how you're interested intheir answers and what that might be like.
that's the engagement and the engagementis a long term process, that building
(20:16):
over time, the respect and, the trust inone another you want to be able to allow
people that you interact with to youand you want them to know that you them.
and respect their thoughts.
(20:38):
If, you disagree, you can disagree, it'sfine, you both are different people and
you might not see things the same way.
Those are basically the four steps,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: especially (20:50):
undefined
at step two, when it's more likecrafting the story, do you feel
that everybody can craft a story?
That everybody can be a storyteller?
And I asked that because when I wasworking in advertising earlier in my
career, that's kind of what always,people always try to get to the story,
what's the story we're trying to tell.
(21:10):
And sometimes people would belike, I don't really have a story.
I'm not a good storyteller.
And when listening to those foursteps, it seems like anybody could
have a story or anybody can, craftthat story in terms of a connection.
And I was wondering whatyour take is on that.
Do you feel that anybody cantell a story or what makes a good
(21:33):
story that helps with connection?
Absolutely.
And I'm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (21:43):
And so I think that people can tell stories
in the sense that They can relate, evenif they can't craft and develop a story
on their own, they can find storiesthat have themes in them that might be
(22:03):
helpful for a conversation or, for abusiness proposition or what have you.
So you don't have to be, creativeperson, I think you can find
stories that, that might relate.
and that can be very helpful andvery powerful, but, There are
(22:24):
marvelous stories in every culturethat hit on those emotional themes
that people have across cultures.
They use different language,they use different characters,
but the themes are similar.
And I think we can use those andbe very powerful in that regard.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: glad that you gave that as an example, (22:48):
undefined
because I actually was going to ask youwhen we're thinking about the four steps,
how they can be applied to strengthenwhether it's personal relationships,
whether it's work relationships,family, friends, can those steps be
applied in all of those situations?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (23:05):
I think that the stretching, you know,
if you're going to a cocktail party andyou don't know anybody, you can buzz
in the bathroom and just stretch andrelease that tension and take a few
nice breaths and say, I can do this.
I can calm down and I canrelate to people because.
(23:26):
I am going to mindfully go in that room,and I am going to relate to a few people,
and I am going to pay attention to them.
I'm going to listen with my whole body.
I'm going to Perhaps even tell a littlestory about my day so it gives me a
(23:50):
way to Converse, but it's not magic andit's not Hokey, it's being Real with the
person that you're in front of one ofthe examples that I give in my book It
talks about feel like it's a gift and I'msure you've had this situation yourself
(24:11):
where you've engaged in a conversationwith somebody and you feel like you are
the only person in the room because thatperson is attending to you and they're
interested and they're Asking relevantquestions but they're really focused on
(24:32):
interacting with you as an interesting,different person than they themselves are.
And it is A wonderful experienceand very memorable because
we don't always get that.
You know, we have people talking tous and they're looking to see who
else is in the room So I think it'ssuch a gift to be able to do that.
(24:54):
And I think it is absolutelysomething that can be done by,
people in, social settings.
in professional settings.
And I think that when we do thatin a professional setting, the
employee who Never really settlesand never really pays attention.
(25:15):
They're just busy thinkingabout where they need to go
next or what's on their desk.
They're not really interactingindividually with the people in their
meeting or with their supervisor or withtheir colleagues or their supervisees.
so I think it's very appropriate for that.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, and I'm wondering, how does (25:35):
undefined
it work in today's world where weare living in such a digital world,
and the face to face interaction isnot as frequent as it used to be?
How do we still foster these principlesto form these genuine connections?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: It's interesting. (25:56):
undefined
That's a challenge to me.
But but it's interesting as I rightnow, because I was used to working for
3040 years where I could walk down thisdown the hallway and see my colleagues
and talk to them and problem solve.
But now that I'm writing and I havebegun to interact with groups of writers
(26:21):
online and they're from all over.
They make an effort to show up, sharewhat they're doing, ask what other people
are doing, and give or take advice.
I have to take a lot of advicebecause I'm new to this.
(26:42):
it can be done.
but it takes attention just turningoff the text and things like that
so that you're not drawn away toother things while you're trying to
connect online is important, I think.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I agree. (26:57):
undefined
I think it's definitely challenging,but it can be done with effort.
I've noticed that even something interms of, giving the space and the
patience and I think it's importantfor us to hear someone's story and
not make judgments or assumptions.
even if it's through text social mediaor a video call or something like that.
(27:18):
I know we're, we're in this world.
Of instant gratification, and welike to rush things, and so we make
assumptions when somebody's talking orassume what point they're trying to make
before they even say a point, and so
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (27:32):
hmm,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: think, in the digital world, (27:33):
undefined
it's good to just be patient.
and present, like you're saying,
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (27:40):
mm
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: just mindful of paying attention (27:41):
undefined
and not trying to rush.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (27:45):
mm
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: And I, I think that's difficult for some (27:45):
undefined
people, but I think with some effort thatcan definitely help with fostering those,
relationships and connection becauseyou're actually listening and responding
appropriately to what you've, and then I'mgoing to say, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, um,
uh, um, uh, um, uh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh,uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (28:06):
that idea that there's a sender and a receiver.
the sender has a message and thereceiver hears a message, but the
receiver might not have heard themessage the sender was sending.
The sender's responsibility isto check and make sure that the
(28:26):
message was received as intended.
or the receiver can check andsay, Is this what you meant?
And that's what you weredescribing, but it's not verbal.
It's not face to face.
And so many, I think, disagreementsstarted or hurt feelings
or whatever through email.
(28:48):
Because some people aren't,aren't real good at expressing
what they really mean by writing.
but I think that, reflective, receivinginformation is really important.
And as you say, it takes time.
But.
The time is worth it because wewant to communicate effectively.
(29:14):
in your core happiness program,you want people to be happy with
themselves and with other people.
that takes time.
If we just take for granted that whateverthe person said they meant, we could get
a whole lot of Difficulty with that, hurtfeelings, and miscommunication altogether,
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (29:37):
I want to go back to that because I'm hoping
you can explain more about the conceptof expanding the spiral of communication
and relationships and how that canbe effective in our day to day lives.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (29:53):
It's just a term that I thought of as I was
talking about communication, and thatlistening to people if they're unique.
as if they're a person thatyou've never met before.
Maybe they're from a different planetand you're really interested in how
(30:13):
they, think and what they say andwhat they eat for dinner and whatnot.
And so you do that, you're showing thatperson that you really their uniqueness.
as you're willing to do the reflectivelistening that we talked about in either
in terms of writing or in hearing, weare actually building trust respect.
(30:41):
We're respecting them.
They're respecting our fairness.
They can trust us because if wemisunderstand, we're going to
check with them But over time itcan build because if that person
who's listening misunderstands,but they're willing to hear.
(31:01):
A clarification, thatbegins to build trust.
if you misunderstood them and you'reclarifying that You're helping them
to solve their problems in listening.
communicating.
And so giving them more language to use.
(31:23):
For example, for a young child ormaybe for a new employee, you're
giving them more language to use that'smore fine tuned to that industry,
that market that they're working in.
so that builds that sense of trustand it helps them build confidence.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: I love the fact that it's (31:43):
undefined
touching on building trust.
I think that is, the foundationof any successful relationship,
I'm wondering for anyonewho's struggling with.
Connection, whether it's with a familymember, a friend, a colleague, what is
one small but yet powerful step thatthey could take today to help with that?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: I think the one small step would (32:08):
undefined
be to take that deep belly breath.
Just before interacting let that sinkthrough the soles of the feet so that
person is grounded, their lungs aregetting rid of toxins, their brain
is nourished with oxygen, then theycan say, I am ready to work on this.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (32:35):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Because if they are present (32:36):
undefined
there's far greater chance thatsome understanding will be reached
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (32:45):
undefined
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: Or they, and they're, or they're (32:49):
undefined
saying to themselves all of thosecatastrophic thoughts that, Oh
no, this is not going to go well.
never get along.
This person never understands me.
And so that makes it so, becauseonly there in a difficult situation.
situation
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (33:09):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: mind's eye. (33:09):
undefined
So if they can calm and they canbe grounded, have a much better
chance of relating effectively.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: That's beautiful. (33:18):
undefined
I love that because I think so many peopleare, anxiety is a big thing nowadays.
I mean, we just are living in aworld where there are a lot of
things that people are anxiousabout, and rightfully so.
But I think that is very important becauseI think a lot of us, because there's
just so much anxiety, there's overwhelm,stress, we, are often in a more closed
(33:43):
off state than we usually would be.
And so when we have that centeringbreath and we are grounding ourselves,
I think that opens us up to receive.
So if somebody is communicating,we're able to receive better.
And I think that we're able to communicatebetter because we're coming more from
a place of calm, like you've said.
(34:03):
So I think that that's beautiful.
One of the things that I wanted totalk about, I know we talked about
this a little bit, but you createda free resource for the listeners
to download, which was the relatingeffectively with your child.
And we talked about it a little bitat the beginning of the episode, but
I wanted to bring it up again, becauseI know that some people They struggle
(34:25):
connecting with their children and Iknow we talked a little bit about things
that they could do in terms of theconnecting and play and quiet times like
going through those four steps, but canyou take us through just some common
communication mistakes that you haveseen parents make with their children
that should just be cautious to avoid.
(34:46):
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (34:52):
It talks about three different ways of parenting
and one of them is the authoritativeparent who is, it's my way or the highway,
and one of them is that parent whowants to be a friend with the child and
doesn't want create any boundaries atall, which can be equally as devastating.
(35:15):
And the third type, which is the onewhere children , are most in school,
they get better grades, they havebetter social skills and whatnot,
is that parent who has some clearboundaries, but they are very loving.
and they expect their child to talk withthem about the boundaries and understand
(35:39):
them, but they're not punitive andthey're, they're again that parent who,
who talks and understands what theirchild is dealing with and who they are.
Actually, they're notthe little me who will
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Right. (35:55):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: as I say. (35:55):
undefined
I know a lot of young parents who havechildren in elementary to middle school
and they're, deeply trying, but they worka full time job and they have a child or
two or and they believe that everythingis That their child wants to do and
(36:17):
things that other people's children wantto do should be what they're involved in.
many dance groups, sports teamsother kinds of clubs and things.
And so what happens is thatevery evening they're, picking
up their child from school andthey're running them to an event.
And then they're driving through a fastfood restaurant, dinner in the car.
(36:41):
And then they come home and theydo a bit of homework and the
child has a bath and goes to bed.
That's well meaning, and it's okay.
I think children really need to expandtheir ability and understand, what they
like to do and what they're good at.
, but for parents, I think that one isone that if you, if they can slow down.
(37:03):
again, just because there are allthese things that are available, maybe
we need to take some time to interactwith them and let them relax, teach
them some ways of relaxing being calmand thinking critically and planning
(37:24):
some little projects that they would do.
That's another part of the book Planningsome projects that a parent would
do with a child, at home, maybe it'sjust drawing a picture of one of the
characters in their story that you'regoing to hang on the, the refrigerator.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Mm hmm. (37:42):
undefined
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: What materials do you want? (37:43):
undefined
What kind of paper will you use?
Maybe one of them is about a, a bird.
And so, oh, I wonder what it wouldbe like to put a bird feeder out?
What would we need for that?
Can we make a bird feeder?
So that again, we begin to helpthat child begin critical thinking,
(38:05):
is a way of planning something,cooperating with somebody,
organizing materials, follow through.
Follow
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (38:14):
hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: is a big deal in critical thinking. (38:15):
undefined
And it's not as receptiveas you're supposed to be.
and being on a team where maybeyou don't play very well anyway and
you sit on the bench, but you'rejust there, you know, because it's
something that other people are doing.
again, it's like thinking about thechild as an individual and helping
(38:37):
them develop these individualskills that might, you know, be
very helpful to them in the future.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: Yeah, and then you also have another (38:43):
undefined
book coming out in a couple ofmonths, I think, don't you, as the
that's focused on self help fortechniques for caregivers as well?
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: yeah, I do. (38:55):
undefined
Thank you for reminding me.
The working title is Beat a Retreat.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (39:02):
Hmm.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: where people who are caregivers, maybe (39:09):
undefined
for children, maybe for unhealthy.
Family members or for elderly familymembers, have a full time consideration,
and it's stressful because not onlyare they dealing with their own issues,
but they're dealing with the A lot ofother issues for another person, at
(39:30):
least one other person, maybe a couple.
then they're also dealingwith the possibilities of what
might happen if, if they fail.
there's also that self critical piece.
But, they don't have time.
To go to a retreat center.
They don't have the money,possibly, because worrying about
(39:53):
health care costs and things
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322 (39:54):
Mm
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321 (39:56):
the B to retreat is ways of, on a daily basis,
choosing the self help Kinds of thingslike some of the exercises from yoga and
tai chi and qigong that are soothing.
Maybe not a full practice, butthings that one could do and repeat
that just, ah, they feel so good.
(40:16):
Or, different ways of breathing that,that can relax when one is worried.
Self massage.
that can be used on hands andfeet, particularly neck, scalp,
but they're also wonderful to sharewith the person you're caring for.
those are some issues.
(40:36):
Some skin care just a variety of things.
These are things that I've, I'vewritten about in my blogs over the
years to give people ways of, well,meditation and visualization you
know, a gratitude journal or justa variety of things like that.
But those kinds of ways of bringingjoy into your life in an inexpensive,
(41:03):
way that it doesn't take you throughthe airport, and you don't need a
passport, and you don't need a chunkof money to pay for in advance, and you
don't need to get vacation time off.
that's kind of, that's the, the tonguein cheek kind of beater retreat kind
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: love that. (41:20):
undefined
I know a lot of people canbenefit from techniques like that.
So that's fantastic.
Do you have, Right.
And so we will see you next I love that.
I love that.
so
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: treating each person that you encounter, (41:40):
undefined
a store clerk, guy who's pushing all thecarts in from Costco or wherever, that
person as if they're special unique,and just finding that when you do that,
You get greeted back the same way.
(42:00):
It's just lovely.
It's such a gift and it's such a surprisebecause so many times when we're out and
about we feel invisible and so we can dowith total strangers as well as people
we really care for and it brings us joy.
squadcaster-1gc6_1_01-31-2025_143322: much for joining us. (42:19):
undefined
Bye.
Bye.
suanne-lewis_1_01-31-2025_143321: appreciate it. (42:24):
undefined
To our core happinesslisteners, all of Dr.
Lewis's contact information willbe listed in the show notes as
well as a link to the free downloadas well as her upcoming book.
I thank you for joining me today.
If you enjoyed this podcast, pleasefeel free to rate it or leave a review.
If you have any thoughts or questions,I would love to hear from you.
(42:47):
You can email podcast core happiness.com.
For show notes and additional resources.
You can visit www.corehappiness.com.
as always, please remember, neverlet anyone diminish your light.
Until next time, sending you my love.
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