Ep. 133 4 Coping Skills to Handle a Critical Boss & Transform Midlife Self-Doubt into Self-Assurance
February 27, 2025 • 18 mins
Is your boss constantly demanding more while offering little support or recognition?
If their negativity is draining your confidence, it’s time to shift the way you respond.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. How to stop taking your boss’s behavior personally—because it’s not about you.
2. A mindset shift that frees up your mental energy and puts you back in control.
3. Practical tools to build self-validation and confidence, no matter who’s in charge.
Press play now to learn how to reclaim your confidence and career growth—even if your boss never changes!
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover four
(00:01):
coping skills to transform yourself doubt to self assurance
when working for a criticalboss.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:22):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
It's Thursday, which means we'refollowing up on Monday's episode
where I encourage you topermanently toss out the term
imposter syndrome and insteadembrace the mindset.
(00:45):
of a learner if you haven'tlistened to episode 131, I
highly recommend it.
Why burden yourself with theinaccurate label of imposter
syndrome When it's completelynormal and actually healthy to
feel anxious while learningsomething new.
The only way to reduce selfdoubt is to dive in and learn.
That brings us to this week'sinner challenge.
(01:06):
I asked you to create a growthmap by identifying three skills
you need to develop in thiscurrent situation that's causing
you to feel like an imposter.
Then I challenged you to pickone and take a simple doable
first step towards learning it.
Along the way, I encouraged youto regulate and re regulate your
emotions of distress that youcommonly will feel when taking
(01:29):
on new projects.
In a session a few weeks ago, aclient came in and was
completely overwhelmed.
She had been asked to create aprogram manual, something she
had never done before.
Like many of us, she initiallywanted to spend her session
talking about her anxiety.
gently stopped her and I said,Instead of talking about your
(01:50):
anxiety, Could we feel your waythrough your anxiety?
I guided her to notice, name,and tame it.
She grounded her feet, placedher hands on her heart, and
practiced breathing, yes,breathing, for 90 seconds.
I then gave her a piece of paperand I asked her to write down
(02:11):
three things she would need todo in order to get started on
creating this manual.
Instantly, she wrote, talk to acolleague who had just completed
a similar manual, block out adedicated time to work on it,
and just start doing it.
She looked up at me and laughedand said, Oh.
That was easy.
(02:32):
See, you're not alone.
When facing something new, ifyour mindset is, I don't know
how to do this, I'm an imposter,you'll hesitate to ask for
guidance.
But if you see yourself as alearner, your first thought will
be how do I learn this whichpropels you forward and
naturally get your juicesrolling.
In today's episode, we'retackling another major
(02:54):
confidence zapper, a boss whosemanagement style is built on
negativity and criticism,constantly demanding more while
offering little support orrecognition.
While these bosses may notexhibit the extreme behaviors of
narcissistic leaders who bully,gaslight, or lie, they can still
chip away at your confidencelife exhausting.
(03:17):
This can be especially drainingin midlife when work, family,
and personal responsibilitiesare already pulling you in
multiple directions.
A lack of validation from yourboss can feel like an added
weight.
draining your energy and selfworth.
So let's take this on.
By the end of this episode,you'll have four powerful, very
doable coping strategies toshift from self doubt to self
(03:41):
assurance, giving you tools toreclaim your confidence no
matter who's in charge.
I've worked with hundreds ofpeople in this situation.
And it seems to me, the firststep is always to answer the
question, do I stay?
Or do I leave?
Interestingly, both choices leadto the same inner work, shifting
(04:02):
into a learner mindset.
What are you learning?
If you choose to leave, you'relearning how to find a new job
and how to navigate working fora confidence zapping boss
without letting it diminish yourself worth.
If you decide to stay, you'restill learning the same lesson.
How do I work for someone whomakes me feel unworthy,
incompetent, or afraid to speakup?
(04:24):
Ouch.
No wonder this situation feelsso difficult.
But here's the good news.
Once you develop this set ofskills, not only will you feel
more confident, but you'll alsobe better at your job.
The first thing I want you to dois I want you to think of your
boss like a dog.
Stay with me here.
Some dogs are sweet and cuddly.
(04:45):
Others are standoffish and someoutright aggressive.
Many dogs are a mix.
They might be loving towardssome people, but unpredictable,
withdrawn, and hostile towardsothers.
So what kind of dog is yourboss?
Seriously, in your mind, givethem a label.
Do not say this out loud atwork.
Early in my career as atherapist, I had a boss who was
(05:06):
warm and affectionate withhigher ups, but passive and
aggressive with her directreports, She drove me nuts.
One day I asked a colleague, howdo you handle her?
And she replied, like a woundedpuppy.
That response blew my mind.
Suddenly, I saw my boss in acompletely different light.
Instead of wondering, how can Iget this woman to stop
(05:28):
criticizing me?
I realized, oh, she connectswith people through criticism.
She's a growler.
This isn't about me.
This is about her.
A few years ago, I noticed howmany people in my life were
rescuing dogs, these adorablebut wounded animals that
required patience, training, andcare.
(05:50):
And you know what?
Not one person blamed themselvesfor their dog's behavior.
They simply accepted that theirdog had its own history.
That's exactly how you need tosee your boss.
Their relationship style hasnothing to do with you and
everything to do with them.
Many people weren't raised withproper encouragement, and most
(06:10):
were never taught how to mentorothers in a supportive way.
After that one minuteconversation with my colleague,
I began to see my supervisor asa snow white poodle, pristine in
appearance, playful with thehigher ups, but bearing her
teeth at those of us trying tolearn and grow under her
direction.
So here's coping skill numberone, whether you're job hunting
(06:33):
or staying put, remind yourself,my boss's behavior has nothing
to do with me.
They were this way before yougot there and there'll be this
way after you leave.
It is not personal.
This insight springboards usbeautifully to coping skill
number two.
Stop thinking about your boss.
(06:54):
Let me say it again.
Stop thinking about your boss.
Unsupportive bosses have a wayof taking up mental real estate
far beyond working hours.
They creep into your thoughts atthe gym, when you get home, and
even as you try to fall asleep.
Hey, you're in midlife.
You have enough on your platewithout bringing your boss home
with you.
Their micromanaging, lack ofvalidation or poor communication
(07:17):
naturally set you up to focus onwhat they are doing wrong
instead of what you can doright.
And here is the real kicker.
You've essentially made yourselftheir boss, in your mind.
Critiquing their every move,running conversations in your
head about what they should bedoing or how they should be
leading on and on and on.
(07:39):
The problem, they're taking upyour valuable time and you're
not even getting paid for it.
Here's the challenge.
Stop thinking about them.
Stop talking about them andsomething miraculous will
happen.
You'll have more time and energyfor your actual job.
Let me take you back to my earlydays as a therapist.
(07:59):
Before computers, all ourextensive client paperwork had
to be handwritten.
At the time, our supervisors hadan ongoing contest, encouraging
their teams to submit everythingon time.
My team was incrediblyefficient, and for three months
in a row, our supervisor won thecompetition.
Her acknowledgement to us?
(08:19):
A quick nod.
Then in month four, she suddenlyhanded all our paperwork back
and said, From now on, I wanteverything written in black ink.
We pushed back, she held firm,then she handed us new forms and
said, I'll be back to get thismonth's paperwork in three
hours.
Oh my God, we were livid.
(08:41):
And if you know anything abouttherapists, we're never at a
loss for words.
Frustrated, I grabbed a coffeeand ran into my dog whisperer
colleague.
Yes, the same one from before.
I vented about this ridiculoustime consuming request and she
simply rolled her eyes and said,Oh, the higher ups must have bit
her and now she's biting you.
(09:03):
Voila, another insight.
I asked her, what should I do?
And she said, put it out of yourmind, get it done and stop
giving her so much mental space.
Sit in the conference room,order donuts and do it together.
Turn crazy into fun.
And that's exactly what we did.
We sat together, recopied ourforms, laughed, talked about the
(09:25):
Cubs, and finished in 75minutes.
Then one of my colleagues sealedthe deal by saying, I am going
home and I'm not thinking abouther for one more minute this
weekend.
That hit me.
I had planned to go home andvent to my husband, but then I
thought, why?
So what if she made aninconvenient request?
It wasn't illegal.
(09:45):
It wasn't unethical It was justannoying.
So I put the poodle in its cage,drove home, and listened to a
book on tape.
Now, let me add a caveat.
In that situation, I wasn'talone.
I had colleagues who validatedmy perspective, but I know that
many people, especially thoseworking remotely, don't have
(10:05):
that same support system.
That's why it's so important togain perspective.
It helps you realize that justlike a rescue dog, your boss
came to you with their ownbaggage.
If they pee on the floor, it'snot your fault.
It just said somewhere along theway.
They missed out on proper housetraining techniques.
So when your boss's negativitystarts getting to you, use your
(10:29):
emotional regulation skillsinstead of your inappropriate
attention skills.
What's the difference?
Emotional regulation is aboutturning inward and comforting
the hurt your boss on you.
Inappropriate attention is aboutobsessing over them, replaying
their words, and letting themdominate your mental space.
(10:51):
me walk you through an example.
Recently, a client asked hisboss for what he believed was a
well deserved raise.
His boss immediately denied it.
My client was crushed.
In the past, he would have senthis wife a text disrupting her
workday and then vented allnight about the unfairness of it
all.
(11:11):
But this time he stopped andnoticed that he was emotionally
dysregulated.
He grounded his feet, he turnedinward and paid attention to all
that was swirling inside of him.
His insides were lit up and heput his hands on his head and he
(11:31):
named, I am so pissed.
And he just felt the anger.
And pretty soon the anger turnedinto embarrassment.
It turned into shame.
And he let himself breathe andacknowledge and feel the
embarrassment and the shame ofasking for a raise that was
denied.
(11:52):
And then after about 60 seconds,the shame decreased and what
surfaced was he felt proud.
He realized my boss can say no,but at least I advocated for
myself.
That was a win.
So when your boss makes you feelunappreciated, take care of
(12:15):
yourself first.
Tend to your emotions.
Don't judge them, just be withthem.
Once your emotions have beentended to, you'll be able to
think more clearly and actuallysee the picture in a fuller
light and that will help youmove your attention off of your
boss and get back to work.
(12:37):
Which leads to coping skillnumber three, track your wins.
When you have a boss who offerslittle validation and primarily
connects to criticism, you musttrack your wins.
Why?
Because if you don't giveyourself the validation you
crave, your learner mindset willdefinitely run out of fuel.
(12:57):
This is easier than it sounds.
Imagine it's Friday morning.
You've completed your part of abig project that you've been
working on these past few daysand you send your boss an email
update, sharing the good news.
Her response, lowercase K.
Let's move on to the next phase.
Give me an outline by Mondaymorning.
Seriously?
(13:18):
That's it?
After all that work, all I getis a K?
It's not even a capital K.
Maybe that's all you get fromyour boss, but that cannot be
all you get from you.
Take a few minutes and run amental movie of what you did to
get that project pulledtogether.
Maybe that was a four hourproject.
Maybe it was a four day project.
Maybe it was a four monthproject.
(13:39):
Time doesn't matter.
What matters is that you stopand you allow yourself to review
what you did In order to besuccessful at that job, free to
check your calendar, look atyour notes, but just give
yourself a couple minutes torecap what you had to do for
that project to get done, andlet yourself look back over it.
(14:04):
And allow your memory to promptyou so you can let the
accomplishment sink in.
If you've completed something atwork that deserves
acknowledgement, then go ahead.
And give yourselfacknowledgement.
I know what you're thinking.
MJ, self validation doesn'tcount.
And let me tell you, if youbelieve that, it's probably why
(14:27):
this boss drives you crazy.
If you think the only validationthat matters is external, then
of course you're frustrated.
You're completely dependent ongetting recognition from someone
else.
And right now, your boss isn'tgiving it.
Think about it.
Since childhood, you've beenconditioned to turn outward for
validation.
You get report cards, goldstars, trophies when you play
(14:51):
soccer, grades, all externalmeasures of success.
So naturally, you expect thesame at work.
Sometimes you'll have a bossthat provides that, but right
now you don't.
So take back your power.
Learn to give yourself credit.
At first, acknowledging your ownwins might feel awkward and
weird, but with a littlepractice, you'll get the hang of
(15:13):
it The more you practice this,not just thinking it, but just
sitting for 30, 40, 70 secondsand feeling the sense of
accomplishment, the sense oflearning, it will boost your
confidence and it will make youless dependent on a boss doing
it for you.
(15:33):
Coping skill number four, Keepyour boss in the loop.
This one might surprise you.
It may even seem contradictoryto everything I've said so far.
But if you've accepted that yourboss is a white poodle, meaning
you stopped expecting them toprovide validation and started
acknowledging your own wins,then the next logical step is to
send them a weekly update ofwhat you've accomplished.
(15:56):
Stay with me here.
Yes, in an ideal world, yourboss would deeply understand
your job and end their week bysending you emails that say,
thank you for all your hardwork.
Have a great weekend, but let'sbe real.
That is not going to happen.
Still, that doesn't mean youshould stay invisible.
Just because your workplace hasa dashboard or a tracking system
(16:19):
doesn't mean your boss actuallychecks it.
Some do, some don't.
So take control.
At the end of each week, write abrief summary of what you've
accomplished.
Then email it to yourself and CCyour boss.
Frame it as a productivity tool,not a plea for recognition.
You might write something like,in order to stay organized and
(16:39):
track my workflow, I'm sendingmyself a weekly email
summarizing what I've completed.
I thought I'd CC you in as well.
What you are doing is beingrealistic about the modern
workplace.
Many employees and managers arestretched beyond reason.
Sometimes even good bosses don'tsee everything their team does.
after you take time to see yourwins, let your boss in on them
(17:02):
too.
Whether they're acknowledged ornot, you're keeping a record of
your hard work, and that aloneis powerful.
Hey, having a boss who doesn'tget validation is difficult and
it really can zap your selfconfidence.
The situation can make you feellike an imposter.
Or you have the power to shiftyour mindset where it's giving
(17:25):
you the opportunity to step intoyour own agency and increase
your ability to give and receiveself validation.
This makes you less vulnerableto those puppies that you're
working for.
If you're like me and you workfor yourself, being able to up
your skills of self validationis not only essential, But
(17:46):
energizing.
In this episode, I shared fourpowerful coping skills to help
you navigate working for a bosswho chips away at your
confidence with constantcriticism, unrealistic
expectations, and not enoughpositive feedback.
Coping skill number one, yourboss's behavior is not about
(18:06):
you.
Coping skill number two, stopthinking about your boss.
You are not getting paid for it.
Coping skill number three, trackyour wins and coping skill
number four, keep your boss inthe loop.
At the end of the day, you can'tchange how your boss leads, but
you can change how you respondby shifting your mindset from
(18:30):
self doubt to self assurance.
You take back control of yourconfidence and career growth.
Thanks for listening.
And I'll be back on Monday withanother episode of Creating
Midlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover four
(00:01):
coping skills to transform yourself doubt to self assurance
when working for a criticalboss.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:22):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
It's Thursday, which means we'refollowing up on Monday's episode
where I encourage you topermanently toss out the term
imposter syndrome and insteadembrace the mindset.
(00:45):
of a learner if you haven'tlistened to episode 131, I
highly recommend it.
Why burden yourself with theinaccurate label of imposter
syndrome When it's completelynormal and actually healthy to
feel anxious while learningsomething new.
The only way to reduce selfdoubt is to dive in and learn.
That brings us to this week'sinner challenge.
(01:06):
I asked you to create a growthmap by identifying three skills
you need to develop in thiscurrent situation that's causing
you to feel like an imposter.
Then I challenged you to pickone and take a simple doable
first step towards learning it.
Along the way, I encouraged youto regulate and re regulate your
emotions of distress that youcommonly will feel when taking
(01:29):
on new projects.
In a session a few weeks ago, aclient came in and was
completely overwhelmed.
She had been asked to create aprogram manual, something she
had never done before.
Like many of us, she initiallywanted to spend her session
talking about her anxiety.
gently stopped her and I said,Instead of talking about your
(01:50):
anxiety, Could we feel your waythrough your anxiety?
I guided her to notice, name,and tame it.
She grounded her feet, placedher hands on her heart, and
practiced breathing, yes,breathing, for 90 seconds.
I then gave her a piece of paperand I asked her to write down
(02:11):
three things she would need todo in order to get started on
creating this manual.
Instantly, she wrote, talk to acolleague who had just completed
a similar manual, block out adedicated time to work on it,
and just start doing it.
She looked up at me and laughedand said, Oh.
That was easy.
(02:32):
See, you're not alone.
When facing something new, ifyour mindset is, I don't know
how to do this, I'm an imposter,you'll hesitate to ask for
guidance.
But if you see yourself as alearner, your first thought will
be how do I learn this whichpropels you forward and
naturally get your juicesrolling.
In today's episode, we'retackling another major
(02:54):
confidence zapper, a boss whosemanagement style is built on
negativity and criticism,constantly demanding more while
offering little support orrecognition.
While these bosses may notexhibit the extreme behaviors of
narcissistic leaders who bully,gaslight, or lie, they can still
chip away at your confidencelife exhausting.
(03:17):
This can be especially drainingin midlife when work, family,
and personal responsibilitiesare already pulling you in
multiple directions.
A lack of validation from yourboss can feel like an added
weight.
draining your energy and selfworth.
So let's take this on.
By the end of this episode,you'll have four powerful, very
doable coping strategies toshift from self doubt to self
(03:41):
assurance, giving you tools toreclaim your confidence no
matter who's in charge.
I've worked with hundreds ofpeople in this situation.
And it seems to me, the firststep is always to answer the
question, do I stay?
Or do I leave?
Interestingly, both choices leadto the same inner work, shifting
(04:02):
into a learner mindset.
What are you learning?
If you choose to leave, you'relearning how to find a new job
and how to navigate working fora confidence zapping boss
without letting it diminish yourself worth.
If you decide to stay, you'restill learning the same lesson.
How do I work for someone whomakes me feel unworthy,
incompetent, or afraid to speakup?
(04:24):
Ouch.
No wonder this situation feelsso difficult.
But here's the good news.
Once you develop this set ofskills, not only will you feel
more confident, but you'll alsobe better at your job.
The first thing I want you to dois I want you to think of your
boss like a dog.
Stay with me here.
Some dogs are sweet and cuddly.
(04:45):
Others are standoffish and someoutright aggressive.
Many dogs are a mix.
They might be loving towardssome people, but unpredictable,
withdrawn, and hostile towardsothers.
So what kind of dog is yourboss?
Seriously, in your mind, givethem a label.
Do not say this out loud atwork.
Early in my career as atherapist, I had a boss who was
(05:06):
warm and affectionate withhigher ups, but passive and
aggressive with her directreports, She drove me nuts.
One day I asked a colleague, howdo you handle her?
And she replied, like a woundedpuppy.
That response blew my mind.
Suddenly, I saw my boss in acompletely different light.
Instead of wondering, how can Iget this woman to stop
(05:28):
criticizing me?
I realized, oh, she connectswith people through criticism.
She's a growler.
This isn't about me.
This is about her.
A few years ago, I noticed howmany people in my life were
rescuing dogs, these adorablebut wounded animals that
required patience, training, andcare.
(05:50):
And you know what?
Not one person blamed themselvesfor their dog's behavior.
They simply accepted that theirdog had its own history.
That's exactly how you need tosee your boss.
Their relationship style hasnothing to do with you and
everything to do with them.
Many people weren't raised withproper encouragement, and most
(06:10):
were never taught how to mentorothers in a supportive way.
After that one minuteconversation with my colleague,
I began to see my supervisor asa snow white poodle, pristine in
appearance, playful with thehigher ups, but bearing her
teeth at those of us trying tolearn and grow under her
direction.
So here's coping skill numberone, whether you're job hunting
(06:33):
or staying put, remind yourself,my boss's behavior has nothing
to do with me.
They were this way before yougot there and there'll be this
way after you leave.
It is not personal.
This insight springboards usbeautifully to coping skill
number two.
Stop thinking about your boss.
(06:54):
Let me say it again.
Stop thinking about your boss.
Unsupportive bosses have a wayof taking up mental real estate
far beyond working hours.
They creep into your thoughts atthe gym, when you get home, and
even as you try to fall asleep.
Hey, you're in midlife.
You have enough on your platewithout bringing your boss home
with you.
Their micromanaging, lack ofvalidation or poor communication
(07:17):
naturally set you up to focus onwhat they are doing wrong
instead of what you can doright.
And here is the real kicker.
You've essentially made yourselftheir boss, in your mind.
Critiquing their every move,running conversations in your
head about what they should bedoing or how they should be
leading on and on and on.
(07:39):
The problem, they're taking upyour valuable time and you're
not even getting paid for it.
Here's the challenge.
Stop thinking about them.
Stop talking about them andsomething miraculous will
happen.
You'll have more time and energyfor your actual job.
Let me take you back to my earlydays as a therapist.
(07:59):
Before computers, all ourextensive client paperwork had
to be handwritten.
At the time, our supervisors hadan ongoing contest, encouraging
their teams to submit everythingon time.
My team was incrediblyefficient, and for three months
in a row, our supervisor won thecompetition.
Her acknowledgement to us?
(08:19):
A quick nod.
Then in month four, she suddenlyhanded all our paperwork back
and said, From now on, I wanteverything written in black ink.
We pushed back, she held firm,then she handed us new forms and
said, I'll be back to get thismonth's paperwork in three
hours.
Oh my God, we were livid.
(08:41):
And if you know anything abouttherapists, we're never at a
loss for words.
Frustrated, I grabbed a coffeeand ran into my dog whisperer
colleague.
Yes, the same one from before.
I vented about this ridiculoustime consuming request and she
simply rolled her eyes and said,Oh, the higher ups must have bit
her and now she's biting you.
(09:03):
Voila, another insight.
I asked her, what should I do?
And she said, put it out of yourmind, get it done and stop
giving her so much mental space.
Sit in the conference room,order donuts and do it together.
Turn crazy into fun.
And that's exactly what we did.
We sat together, recopied ourforms, laughed, talked about the
(09:25):
Cubs, and finished in 75minutes.
Then one of my colleagues sealedthe deal by saying, I am going
home and I'm not thinking abouther for one more minute this
weekend.
That hit me.
I had planned to go home andvent to my husband, but then I
thought, why?
So what if she made aninconvenient request?
It wasn't illegal.
(09:45):
It wasn't unethical It was justannoying.
So I put the poodle in its cage,drove home, and listened to a
book on tape.
Now, let me add a caveat.
In that situation, I wasn'talone.
I had colleagues who validatedmy perspective, but I know that
many people, especially thoseworking remotely, don't have
(10:05):
that same support system.
That's why it's so important togain perspective.
It helps you realize that justlike a rescue dog, your boss
came to you with their ownbaggage.
If they pee on the floor, it'snot your fault.
It just said somewhere along theway.
They missed out on proper housetraining techniques.
So when your boss's negativitystarts getting to you, use your
(10:29):
emotional regulation skillsinstead of your inappropriate
attention skills.
What's the difference?
Emotional regulation is aboutturning inward and comforting
the hurt your boss on you.
Inappropriate attention is aboutobsessing over them, replaying
their words, and letting themdominate your mental space.
(10:51):
me walk you through an example.
Recently, a client asked hisboss for what he believed was a
well deserved raise.
His boss immediately denied it.
My client was crushed.
In the past, he would have senthis wife a text disrupting her
workday and then vented allnight about the unfairness of it
all.
(11:11):
But this time he stopped andnoticed that he was emotionally
dysregulated.
He grounded his feet, he turnedinward and paid attention to all
that was swirling inside of him.
His insides were lit up and heput his hands on his head and he
(11:31):
named, I am so pissed.
And he just felt the anger.
And pretty soon the anger turnedinto embarrassment.
It turned into shame.
And he let himself breathe andacknowledge and feel the
embarrassment and the shame ofasking for a raise that was
denied.
(11:52):
And then after about 60 seconds,the shame decreased and what
surfaced was he felt proud.
He realized my boss can say no,but at least I advocated for
myself.
That was a win.
So when your boss makes you feelunappreciated, take care of
(12:15):
yourself first.
Tend to your emotions.
Don't judge them, just be withthem.
Once your emotions have beentended to, you'll be able to
think more clearly and actuallysee the picture in a fuller
light and that will help youmove your attention off of your
boss and get back to work.
(12:37):
Which leads to coping skillnumber three, track your wins.
When you have a boss who offerslittle validation and primarily
connects to criticism, you musttrack your wins.
Why?
Because if you don't giveyourself the validation you
crave, your learner mindset willdefinitely run out of fuel.
(12:57):
This is easier than it sounds.
Imagine it's Friday morning.
You've completed your part of abig project that you've been
working on these past few daysand you send your boss an email
update, sharing the good news.
Her response, lowercase K.
Let's move on to the next phase.
Give me an outline by Mondaymorning.
Seriously?
(13:18):
That's it?
After all that work, all I getis a K?
It's not even a capital K.
Maybe that's all you get fromyour boss, but that cannot be
all you get from you.
Take a few minutes and run amental movie of what you did to
get that project pulledtogether.
Maybe that was a four hourproject.
Maybe it was a four day project.
Maybe it was a four monthproject.
(13:39):
Time doesn't matter.
What matters is that you stopand you allow yourself to review
what you did In order to besuccessful at that job, free to
check your calendar, look atyour notes, but just give
yourself a couple minutes torecap what you had to do for
that project to get done, andlet yourself look back over it.
(14:04):
And allow your memory to promptyou so you can let the
accomplishment sink in.
If you've completed something atwork that deserves
acknowledgement, then go ahead.
And give yourselfacknowledgement.
I know what you're thinking.
MJ, self validation doesn'tcount.
And let me tell you, if youbelieve that, it's probably why
(14:27):
this boss drives you crazy.
If you think the only validationthat matters is external, then
of course you're frustrated.
You're completely dependent ongetting recognition from someone
else.
And right now, your boss isn'tgiving it.
Think about it.
Since childhood, you've beenconditioned to turn outward for
validation.
You get report cards, goldstars, trophies when you play
(14:51):
soccer, grades, all externalmeasures of success.
So naturally, you expect thesame at work.
Sometimes you'll have a bossthat provides that, but right
now you don't.
So take back your power.
Learn to give yourself credit.
At first, acknowledging your ownwins might feel awkward and
weird, but with a littlepractice, you'll get the hang of
(15:13):
it The more you practice this,not just thinking it, but just
sitting for 30, 40, 70 secondsand feeling the sense of
accomplishment, the sense oflearning, it will boost your
confidence and it will make youless dependent on a boss doing
it for you.
(15:33):
Coping skill number four, Keepyour boss in the loop.
This one might surprise you.
It may even seem contradictoryto everything I've said so far.
But if you've accepted that yourboss is a white poodle, meaning
you stopped expecting them toprovide validation and started
acknowledging your own wins,then the next logical step is to
send them a weekly update ofwhat you've accomplished.
(15:56):
Stay with me here.
Yes, in an ideal world, yourboss would deeply understand
your job and end their week bysending you emails that say,
thank you for all your hardwork.
Have a great weekend, but let'sbe real.
That is not going to happen.
Still, that doesn't mean youshould stay invisible.
Just because your workplace hasa dashboard or a tracking system
(16:19):
doesn't mean your boss actuallychecks it.
Some do, some don't.
So take control.
At the end of each week, write abrief summary of what you've
accomplished.
Then email it to yourself and CCyour boss.
Frame it as a productivity tool,not a plea for recognition.
You might write something like,in order to stay organized and
(16:39):
track my workflow, I'm sendingmyself a weekly email
summarizing what I've completed.
I thought I'd CC you in as well.
What you are doing is beingrealistic about the modern
workplace.
Many employees and managers arestretched beyond reason.
Sometimes even good bosses don'tsee everything their team does.
after you take time to see yourwins, let your boss in on them
(17:02):
too.
Whether they're acknowledged ornot, you're keeping a record of
your hard work, and that aloneis powerful.
Hey, having a boss who doesn'tget validation is difficult and
it really can zap your selfconfidence.
The situation can make you feellike an imposter.
Or you have the power to shiftyour mindset where it's giving
(17:25):
you the opportunity to step intoyour own agency and increase
your ability to give and receiveself validation.
This makes you less vulnerableto those puppies that you're
working for.
If you're like me and you workfor yourself, being able to up
your skills of self validationis not only essential, But
(17:46):
energizing.
In this episode, I shared fourpowerful coping skills to help
you navigate working for a bosswho chips away at your
confidence with constantcriticism, unrealistic
expectations, and not enoughpositive feedback.
Coping skill number one, yourboss's behavior is not about
(18:06):
you.
Coping skill number two, stopthinking about your boss.
You are not getting paid for it.
Coping skill number three, trackyour wins and coping skill
number four, keep your boss inthe loop.
At the end of the day, you can'tchange how your boss leads, but
you can change how you respondby shifting your mindset from
(18:30):
self doubt to self assurance.
You take back control of yourconfidence and career growth.
Thanks for listening.
And I'll be back on Monday withanother episode of Creating
Midlife Calm.
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