Feeling overwhelmed by the financial burden of college?
Navigating these tough conversations with your child without guilt, stress, or unnecessary conflict is not easy.
In this episode, you’ll discover
- Five essential coping strategies to make informed, confident financial decisions while strengthening your relationship with your child.
- How to engage your child in financial discussions—even if they’re resistant—and equip them with lifelong money management skills.
- Ways to process difficult emotions like guilt and jealousy so they don’t cloud your decision-making.
Tune in now to gain clarity, confidence, and practical strategies for navigating the emotional and financial challenges of paying for college—without letting stress take over!
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
(00:02):
navigate the emotional andfinancial challenges of paying
for your child's college withoutletting guilt or stress take
over.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:24):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today is Thursday and I'mfollowing up on Monday's episode
where we talked about how you asa midlife parent can help your
child navigate thedisappointment of not getting
(00:46):
into a college they wanted, orbeing rejected from a job they
applied for.
Ugh, we thought parenting aninfant was tough, but midlife
parenting comes with its own setof heartaches.
Navigating your own emotions iskey to helping your child work
through their rejection, so theycome out the other end,
believing in themselves.
(01:07):
But what happens when financiallimitations are the root of the
disappointment?
Your child gets into a school,but now you both must figure out
if the money is there all whileyour senior is mentally checking
out of the process.
In today's episode, I'll sharefive practical coping strategies
that will not only help you makesound financial decisions But
(01:31):
also help you and your childapproach the conversation with
greater connection, clarity, anda mutual understanding that this
is a collaborative approach thatall of you together are
embarking on so you can figureout how to pay for college.
Let's do a quick check in onMonday's Inner Challenge.
Your Inner Challenge this weekwas to pay attention to how you
(01:53):
respond when someone you lovefaces a disappointment.
Do you rush in to fix it?
Do you distract?
Are you an avoider?
Or are you good at simply beingpresent?
As we move into today's topic,it's essential to recognize your
tendencies.
If you're a fixer, you maycommit to financial decisions
you'll regret five years downthe road.
(02:16):
If you tend to distract oravoid, you might miss important
opportunities to educateyourself on financing college.
But there's no reason todespair.
Growth often comes from thesedifficult situations and for
most people, paying for collegeis one of them.
Let me begin by stating theobvious.
Sending a beloved child off tocollege is an emotional
(02:39):
rollercoaster, not just forthem, but for you as well.
I love this stage of life, aslong as it's not one of my kids
going through it.
I have worked with so many highschoolers in this stage.
They are a fascinating mix ofexcitement for the future and
fear of leaving their pastbehind, all wrapped up in a I've
(03:02):
got this attitude.
As I sit with them, witnessingtheir fear, uncertainty,
excitement, and curiosity, I amconstantly amazed at the ability
humanity has to hold so manyconflicting emotions at once.
Years ago, a young woman said itperfectly, I have got to get out
of this town, but I can't go toofar away.
(03:25):
That sums up what it means to bea high school senior today.
This emotional push and pull isexactly why navigating the
financial aspect of college withyour child can be so
unpredictable.
Their emotions will fluctuate,and they may not always be the
most stable partner in theprocess.
But that is completely normal.
(03:47):
If you can only remember thisone thing from this podcast, I
will have done my job for youtoday.
Resist taking their push me pullme attitudes personally.
It won't necessarily makefiguring out how to pay for
college any easier, but it willhelp you stay grounded and avoid
unnecessary hurt as you all movethrough this important life
(04:08):
transition.
One of the most common reactionsI see in my office expenses is
disbelief.
Not just at the price.
But how quickly the years havegone by.
You probably thought you'd havemore time to save for college,
or maybe you were hoping thatyour kid would get a scholarship
to help offset the costs.
(04:30):
Unless you won the lottery orhave a trust fund, you likely
feel a loss of control when itcomes to facing these expenses.
There's nothing like having topay for your child's college to
put you in touch with your ownmoney issues.
this moment can bring up Deepseated guilt or regret about
past financial decisions, or itmight serve as anxiety about
(04:52):
your own financial future.
If you are divorced that bringsup a whole nother maze of
complexity that you must workthrough.
Recognizing and working throughthese emotions is an important
process.
Don't hesitate to find a trustedfriend or therapist to help you
process this part of figuringout college costs.
(05:14):
According to current estimates,the average cost of college is
100, 000 to 220, 000 a year.
That's a staggering amount.
To make matters morecomplicated, true costs,
including loans andscholarships, are often unknown
until your child is accepted.
By that time, they're exhaustedfrom the whole process and they
(05:34):
may resist engaging in financialdiscussions.
This is where I come in.
Let's talk about a fewstrategies to navigate this
stressful time in a way that notonly builds financial literacy,
but helps strengthen yourconnection and your support for
one another.
Coping skill number one.
(05:54):
Put your own oxygen mask onfirst.
First and foremost, come topeace with what you can
contribute.
Self compassion is key here.
You did your best.
If guilt creeps in, remindyourself life is expensive.
If you need to, talk to atrusted friend, your spouse, or
even a therapist to processthese feelings before discussing
(06:19):
finances with your child.
Remember, your job is to guideyour child through this process
and you won't be able to do yourbest if you haven't worked
through your own feelings aboutwhat you can contribute.
Coping skill number two.
Don't go through this alone, andyou might be surprised what I
mean by that.
(06:40):
Paying for college is complex.
Grants, scholarships, loans,work study programs, they all
impact your child's financialfuture.
I encourage you to seek guidancefrom financial aid officers,
financial planners, or a banker.
You probably have access to atleast one of these resources and
(07:00):
I strongly encourage you to usethem.
Here is my key recommendation.
Include your child in theseconversations.
A universal truth about highschool seniors, they'll often
listen more to other adults thantheir own parents.
Use that to your advantage.
If you didn't start discussingcollege costs the summer before
(07:23):
senior year, you may now findyourself with only a month or
two to figure everything out.
You got this.
I have worked with so manypeople in this situation.
You may be tempted to handle theprocess solo because your child
is too busy with school, sports,and homework.
Don't do that.
If they don't have time to go tothe meetings, I encourage
(07:46):
setting up the meetings, takingthem out of school so they can
be with you to really hear thisinformation.
reinforces the importance of thediscussion and it encourages
their engagement.
A past client of mine learnedthis the hard way.
She attended a private collegeand at the end of her freshman
year, she found out that thefinancial aid package would
(08:10):
change drastically because shewould be the only child in the
family in college.
She had not been involved in Anyof the discussions and she was
so angry at her parents.
Because they had not anticipatedthis shift in payment.
When I asked her if she had satwith her parents while they were
figuring out how to put theloans and the grants and
(08:31):
everything together, she shookher head and said, well, no,
they kept asking me, but I wastoo busy.
And in that moment, she grew upa little bit.
she could blame her parents.
But the truth was, she reallyhadn't participated in the
process.
There's something that happenswhen parents say to their child,
(08:54):
we're taking you out of schoolbecause these decisions are so
important that we want you tolearn and to hear what's going
on so you too can have a say inhow your college is going to be
paid for.
When you meet with theseexperts, I encourage you to end
the conversation with thisquestion.
(09:16):
What am I not asking that Ishould know?
This is the difficult part ofpaying for college, especially
if this is your first child.
You really don't know what theheck you're doing, and you do
rely on people who know morethan you to educate you.
That question can be veryhelpful to getting information
(09:36):
that may have been glossed over.
If you're going to go meet withsomebody, throw it in the chat
GPT.
Going to meet with my financialplanner about paying for
college.
Any questions I should beasking?
Establishing with your childthat they are part of this
conversation leads to copingskill number three.
Understanding debt.
(09:57):
How much is too much?
When my son got into his dreamschool, he would've needed to
take out a hundred thousanddollars in loans.
No one loves college more thanmy husband, and being the
wonderful father he is, he said,and I quote.
I'll work until I'm 99 if itmeans he can go to that school.
(10:17):
It was really sweet, but our sonhad other affordable options.
I didn't want to be the one toshut down his dream.
But I also didn't want to be theone to let him make a decision
without understanding the futureimpact on him.
So I arranged for him to meetwith a banker who walked him
through the reality of paying athousand dollars in student
loans every month for 10 years.
(10:40):
I never knew exactly what shesaid, but when he walked out of
the meeting, I could tell shehad an impact.
He didn't say much, nor did Iask, because I wanted to impress
upon him that this was hisdecision.
But a few weeks later, he chosea school that That wasn't that
impressive to his high schoolfriends, but later in life, it
was impressive that he graduatedwith no undergraduate debt.
(11:04):
Remember, college is not just anacademic education.
It's a financial one too.
So understanding debt is a vitallife skill.
Coping skill number four,encourage work as part of the
college experience.
Of course, many college studentswork, I've met a lot of them who
don't.
(11:25):
What I often see are collegestudents who over commit to
clubs and activities, spending10 20 hours a week on unpaid
obligations.
I encourage you to have work bepart of your child's experience.
Suggest they think of a parttime job as a club that pays
them for their membership, aswell as something that is very
(11:45):
impressive to future employers.
Even 5 to 10 hours of work perweek can offset expenses,
provide valuable skills, andteach time management.
Coping skill number five, tameyour jealousy.
Colleges become more aboutcompetition than opportunity.
If your child gets into theirdream school and can afford it,
(12:08):
they'll feel like they've won.
If they can't, they'll feel likethey've lost.
You will experience this too.
Jealousy is a normal humanexperience.
But trust me, you don't want tostay there.
A past client of mine felt sojealous towards one of her
friends whose parents werepaying for their grandchild's
college.
(12:29):
Her and her husband had workedso hard and here they were,
having to deny their child theschool of her dreams.
I gently asked her to take abreath and to sit with her
jealousy, to honor it, tonotice, to name and to tame.
As she did this, I could see herface.
(12:51):
It moved from anger and thentears went down her cheeks.
And she said, this is not theperson I want to be.
I don't want to be jealous thatmy friend's parents have money.
Exactly.
This is not the person you are.
Jealousy is a momentary feeling.
Unless we keep feeding thetiger.
(13:12):
It's basically you're hurt alltwisted.
Untwist it.
You are hurt that you can't giveyour beloved child what you
would love to give your child.
Feel the hurt.
So you can move to a better,healthier place and trust me,
you'll probably have theopportunity to support your
(13:34):
child, when that little monsterof jealousy strikes their heart.
In this episode, we've exploredthe challenges of discussing and
planning for college costs withyour child.
We talked about coming to termswith your financial reality,
seeking expert guidance,Involving your child in
financial discussions andunderstanding the impact of
(13:55):
student debt and encouragingresponsible financial habits by
using these strategies, as wellas noticing, naming, and taming
all the complex emotions thatcome with sending a child off to
college.
Paying for college is a process.
It's not a one timeconversation, and it will
(14:16):
require multiple discussions.
Expect your child to have lotsof ups and downs along the way,
but by you remaining steady andengaged, you'll help them build
a foundation of financialawareness, problem solving
skills, and personal growth thatwill serve them well in the many
years to come.
As your child steps into thecomplexities of adulthood,
(14:39):
they'll continue to face manynew financial and life
decisions.
How wonderful it is that theycan count on you, not to fix
everything, not to avoid thechallenges, but to be steady,
honest, and a supportiveresource as they navigate these
very big questions.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with another
(15:01):
episode of Creating MidlifeCalm.
In this episode, you'll discover how to
(00:02):
navigate the emotional andfinancial challenges of paying
for your child's college withoutletting guilt or stress take
over.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:24):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today is Thursday and I'mfollowing up on Monday's episode
where we talked about how you asa midlife parent can help your
child navigate thedisappointment of not getting
(00:46):
into a college they wanted, orbeing rejected from a job they
applied for.
Ugh, we thought parenting aninfant was tough, but midlife
parenting comes with its own setof heartaches.
Navigating your own emotions iskey to helping your child work
through their rejection, so theycome out the other end,
believing in themselves.
(01:07):
But what happens when financiallimitations are the root of the
disappointment?
Your child gets into a school,but now you both must figure out
if the money is there all whileyour senior is mentally checking
out of the process.
In today's episode, I'll sharefive practical coping strategies
that will not only help you makesound financial decisions But
(01:31):
also help you and your childapproach the conversation with
greater connection, clarity, anda mutual understanding that this
is a collaborative approach thatall of you together are
embarking on so you can figureout how to pay for college.
Let's do a quick check in onMonday's Inner Challenge.
Your Inner Challenge this weekwas to pay attention to how you
(01:53):
respond when someone you lovefaces a disappointment.
Do you rush in to fix it?
Do you distract?
Are you an avoider?
Or are you good at simply beingpresent?
As we move into today's topic,it's essential to recognize your
tendencies.
If you're a fixer, you maycommit to financial decisions
you'll regret five years downthe road.
(02:16):
If you tend to distract oravoid, you might miss important
opportunities to educateyourself on financing college.
But there's no reason todespair.
Growth often comes from thesedifficult situations and for
most people, paying for collegeis one of them.
Let me begin by stating theobvious.
Sending a beloved child off tocollege is an emotional
(02:39):
rollercoaster, not just forthem, but for you as well.
I love this stage of life, aslong as it's not one of my kids
going through it.
I have worked with so many highschoolers in this stage.
They are a fascinating mix ofexcitement for the future and
fear of leaving their pastbehind, all wrapped up in a I've
(03:02):
got this attitude.
As I sit with them, witnessingtheir fear, uncertainty,
excitement, and curiosity, I amconstantly amazed at the ability
humanity has to hold so manyconflicting emotions at once.
Years ago, a young woman said itperfectly, I have got to get out
of this town, but I can't go toofar away.
(03:25):
That sums up what it means to bea high school senior today.
This emotional push and pull isexactly why navigating the
financial aspect of college withyour child can be so
unpredictable.
Their emotions will fluctuate,and they may not always be the
most stable partner in theprocess.
But that is completely normal.
(03:47):
If you can only remember thisone thing from this podcast, I
will have done my job for youtoday.
Resist taking their push me pullme attitudes personally.
It won't necessarily makefiguring out how to pay for
college any easier, but it willhelp you stay grounded and avoid
unnecessary hurt as you all movethrough this important life
(04:08):
transition.
One of the most common reactionsI see in my office expenses is
disbelief.
Not just at the price.
But how quickly the years havegone by.
You probably thought you'd havemore time to save for college,
or maybe you were hoping thatyour kid would get a scholarship
to help offset the costs.
(04:30):
Unless you won the lottery orhave a trust fund, you likely
feel a loss of control when itcomes to facing these expenses.
There's nothing like having topay for your child's college to
put you in touch with your ownmoney issues.
this moment can bring up Deepseated guilt or regret about
past financial decisions, or itmight serve as anxiety about
(04:52):
your own financial future.
If you are divorced that bringsup a whole nother maze of
complexity that you must workthrough.
Recognizing and working throughthese emotions is an important
process.
Don't hesitate to find a trustedfriend or therapist to help you
process this part of figuringout college costs.
(05:14):
According to current estimates,the average cost of college is
100, 000 to 220, 000 a year.
That's a staggering amount.
To make matters morecomplicated, true costs,
including loans andscholarships, are often unknown
until your child is accepted.
By that time, they're exhaustedfrom the whole process and they
(05:34):
may resist engaging in financialdiscussions.
This is where I come in.
Let's talk about a fewstrategies to navigate this
stressful time in a way that notonly builds financial literacy,
but helps strengthen yourconnection and your support for
one another.
Coping skill number one.
(05:54):
Put your own oxygen mask onfirst.
First and foremost, come topeace with what you can
contribute.
Self compassion is key here.
You did your best.
If guilt creeps in, remindyourself life is expensive.
If you need to, talk to atrusted friend, your spouse, or
even a therapist to processthese feelings before discussing
(06:19):
finances with your child.
Remember, your job is to guideyour child through this process
and you won't be able to do yourbest if you haven't worked
through your own feelings aboutwhat you can contribute.
Coping skill number two.
Don't go through this alone, andyou might be surprised what I
mean by that.
(06:40):
Paying for college is complex.
Grants, scholarships, loans,work study programs, they all
impact your child's financialfuture.
I encourage you to seek guidancefrom financial aid officers,
financial planners, or a banker.
You probably have access to atleast one of these resources and
(07:00):
I strongly encourage you to usethem.
Here is my key recommendation.
Include your child in theseconversations.
A universal truth about highschool seniors, they'll often
listen more to other adults thantheir own parents.
Use that to your advantage.
If you didn't start discussingcollege costs the summer before
(07:23):
senior year, you may now findyourself with only a month or
two to figure everything out.
You got this.
I have worked with so manypeople in this situation.
You may be tempted to handle theprocess solo because your child
is too busy with school, sports,and homework.
Don't do that.
If they don't have time to go tothe meetings, I encourage
(07:46):
setting up the meetings, takingthem out of school so they can
be with you to really hear thisinformation.
reinforces the importance of thediscussion and it encourages
their engagement.
A past client of mine learnedthis the hard way.
She attended a private collegeand at the end of her freshman
year, she found out that thefinancial aid package would
(08:10):
change drastically because shewould be the only child in the
family in college.
She had not been involved in Anyof the discussions and she was
so angry at her parents.
Because they had not anticipatedthis shift in payment.
When I asked her if she had satwith her parents while they were
figuring out how to put theloans and the grants and
(08:31):
everything together, she shookher head and said, well, no,
they kept asking me, but I wastoo busy.
And in that moment, she grew upa little bit.
she could blame her parents.
But the truth was, she reallyhadn't participated in the
process.
There's something that happenswhen parents say to their child,
(08:54):
we're taking you out of schoolbecause these decisions are so
important that we want you tolearn and to hear what's going
on so you too can have a say inhow your college is going to be
paid for.
When you meet with theseexperts, I encourage you to end
the conversation with thisquestion.
(09:16):
What am I not asking that Ishould know?
This is the difficult part ofpaying for college, especially
if this is your first child.
You really don't know what theheck you're doing, and you do
rely on people who know morethan you to educate you.
That question can be veryhelpful to getting information
(09:36):
that may have been glossed over.
If you're going to go meet withsomebody, throw it in the chat
GPT.
Going to meet with my financialplanner about paying for
college.
Any questions I should beasking?
Establishing with your childthat they are part of this
conversation leads to copingskill number three.
Understanding debt.
(09:57):
How much is too much?
When my son got into his dreamschool, he would've needed to
take out a hundred thousanddollars in loans.
No one loves college more thanmy husband, and being the
wonderful father he is, he said,and I quote.
I'll work until I'm 99 if itmeans he can go to that school.
(10:17):
It was really sweet, but our sonhad other affordable options.
I didn't want to be the one toshut down his dream.
But I also didn't want to be theone to let him make a decision
without understanding the futureimpact on him.
So I arranged for him to meetwith a banker who walked him
through the reality of paying athousand dollars in student
loans every month for 10 years.
(10:40):
I never knew exactly what shesaid, but when he walked out of
the meeting, I could tell shehad an impact.
He didn't say much, nor did Iask, because I wanted to impress
upon him that this was hisdecision.
But a few weeks later, he chosea school that That wasn't that
impressive to his high schoolfriends, but later in life, it
was impressive that he graduatedwith no undergraduate debt.
(11:04):
Remember, college is not just anacademic education.
It's a financial one too.
So understanding debt is a vitallife skill.
Coping skill number four,encourage work as part of the
college experience.
Of course, many college studentswork, I've met a lot of them who
don't.
(11:25):
What I often see are collegestudents who over commit to
clubs and activities, spending10 20 hours a week on unpaid
obligations.
I encourage you to have work bepart of your child's experience.
Suggest they think of a parttime job as a club that pays
them for their membership, aswell as something that is very
(11:45):
impressive to future employers.
Even 5 to 10 hours of work perweek can offset expenses,
provide valuable skills, andteach time management.
Coping skill number five, tameyour jealousy.
Colleges become more aboutcompetition than opportunity.
If your child gets into theirdream school and can afford it,
(12:08):
they'll feel like they've won.
If they can't, they'll feel likethey've lost.
You will experience this too.
Jealousy is a normal humanexperience.
But trust me, you don't want tostay there.
A past client of mine felt sojealous towards one of her
friends whose parents werepaying for their grandchild's
college.
(12:29):
Her and her husband had workedso hard and here they were,
having to deny their child theschool of her dreams.
I gently asked her to take abreath and to sit with her
jealousy, to honor it, tonotice, to name and to tame.
As she did this, I could see herface.
(12:51):
It moved from anger and thentears went down her cheeks.
And she said, this is not theperson I want to be.
I don't want to be jealous thatmy friend's parents have money.
Exactly.
This is not the person you are.
Jealousy is a momentary feeling.
Unless we keep feeding thetiger.
(13:12):
It's basically you're hurt alltwisted.
Untwist it.
You are hurt that you can't giveyour beloved child what you
would love to give your child.
Feel the hurt.
So you can move to a better,healthier place and trust me,
you'll probably have theopportunity to support your
(13:34):
child, when that little monsterof jealousy strikes their heart.
In this episode, we've exploredthe challenges of discussing and
planning for college costs withyour child.
We talked about coming to termswith your financial reality,
seeking expert guidance,Involving your child in
financial discussions andunderstanding the impact of
(13:55):
student debt and encouragingresponsible financial habits by
using these strategies, as wellas noticing, naming, and taming
all the complex emotions thatcome with sending a child off to
college.
Paying for college is a process.
It's not a one timeconversation, and it will
(14:16):
require multiple discussions.
Expect your child to have lotsof ups and downs along the way,
but by you remaining steady andengaged, you'll help them build
a foundation of financialawareness, problem solving
skills, and personal growth thatwill serve them well in the many
years to come.
As your child steps into thecomplexities of adulthood,
(14:39):
they'll continue to face manynew financial and life
decisions.
How wonderful it is that theycan count on you, not to fix
everything, not to avoid thechallenges, but to be steady,
honest, and a supportiveresource as they navigate these
very big questions.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with another
(15:01):
episode of Creating MidlifeCalm.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!