Ep. 143 3 Powerful Coping Skills to Conquer Midlife Anxiety & Perfectionism for a Happier Life

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Are you constantly pushing yourself to the max, yet feeling exhausted and on edge?

Doing less could actually help you achieve more.

In this episode you’ll discover: 

 1.  Why striving for perfection might be holding you back.

2.  Two powerful midlife coping skills that make relaxation actually work for you.

3.  How shifting to an 80% effort mindset can prevent burnout and improve        productivity.

Press play now to unlock the secrets to managing anxiety and perfectionism boosting efficiency, and finally enjoying your success—without guilt.

 

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover three

(00:02):
coping skills to break free fromanxiety and perfectionism
welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over

(00:24):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today we're following up onMonday's episode on high
functioning anxiety, that type,A energy that makes you highly
competent, reliable, andsuccessful on the outside, but
constantly on the edge on theinside.

(00:46):
In this episode, I'm gonnaintroduce you to the 80% rule, a
scientifically backed approachthat can ease your anxiety while
maintaining your success.
If you have high functioninganxiety, your drive is one of
your greatest strengths, but itcan also leave you exhausted and
unable to fully enjoy your wins.
I'll share with you twopractical coping skills to help

(01:08):
you relax, even if you'realready thinking, there's no way
I can relax.
It's just not my style.
By the end of this episode,you'll see how relaxation can
fit you perfectly.
Not only will it enhance yoursuccess, but those who work and
live with you will be oh, sograteful for it.
Let's begin by checking in onMonday's Inner Challenge.

(01:31):
Creating an image that tethersyour Inner urgency to Inner
calm.
Just today in my office, aclient texted me that she'd be
15 minutes late.
She's a dynamo, and I expectedher to rush in frazzled, but
instead she walked in calm andcentered, sat down and said, I
practiced calming myself bytaking a few deep breaths,

(01:54):
imagining myself floating onwater, and within 30 seconds I
told myself it's okay to belate.
Guess what it is.
Okay.
Your success is not tied tourgency, anxiety, or panic.
It's built on the skills andmindsets you've developed.
So why not lean toward calm andsuccess, which brings us to

(02:17):
today's focus, the 80% rule.
What if I told you that giving80% of your effort could
actually make you moresuccessful and less stressed?
Many people with highfunctioning anxiety feel
compelled to do things eitherwell perfectly.
Do you recognize yourselfsomewhere on that spectrum?

(02:39):
Here's a secret.
If you struggle withperfectionism, it's because you
have the ability to be aperfectionist.
I've worked with thousands ofpeople, and to be honest, only
the most talented struggle withperfectionism.
You perfect things because youcan.
But the key to making your highfunctioning anxiety work for you

(03:00):
is learning to scale it downstrategically, and that's where
the 80% rule comes in.
The 80% rule suggests thataiming for 80% effort instead of
perfection reduces stress,improves efficiency, and
prevents burnout.
Research on perfectionism showsthat constantly striving for a

(03:21):
hundred percent leads todiminishing returns, decision
fatigue and anxiety.
Interestingly, studies in sportspsychology confirm that working
at a slightly lower intensityactually enhances long-term
performance, creativity, andwellbeing.
Years ago I had a client whoI'll call the Renaissance man.

(03:45):
He was musical, artistic,physically fit, written a book,
and was running a company.
Yet, despite all hisaccomplishments.
He was miserable and exhausted.
He constantly complained thathis employees didn't strive for
excellence.
His kids didn't push themselvesto be the best in school.

(04:05):
What was wrong with everyone?
One day in frustration, he said,I don't get it.
Why don't people work as hard asI do?
I looked at him and I said, youare wired differently than most
people, and that's a gift.
A challenge.
He had a rare ability to do manythings well, and his high energy

(04:27):
propelled him to success andexhaustion.
He stared at me and he said, MJmisery is the price of success.
I made him repeat that out loudthree times.
I am successful and miserable.
I am successful and miserable.
I am successful and miserable.

(04:48):
Then he laughed and he said.
I'm ridiculous.
Well, kind of.
I told him to run an experimentfor the week instead of
instinctively pushing everythingto the highest level, I have to
get everything done, he shouldpause and ask, what would this
look like if I notched it down20%?

(05:09):
At our next session, he sharedthat one night, the week before
at five 30, he looked at hiswork to-do list.
He had completed eight of thethings, but two were left
undone.
Of course, he laughed at theperfection of the math, but then
he did something different.
He went home with his listundone as he drove home, he felt

(05:31):
anxious and guilty.
Those tasks could still be theretomorrow, but because he had
learned to name and tame hisfeelings, he grounded his feet,
took a few deep breaths, andcalmed his nervous system.
If you're interested in learningto name and tame your feelings,
check out episode 97.
He walked in the house and hiswife and kids were eating

(05:51):
dinner, shocked to see him home.
90 minutes early, His kids ranup and hugged him, thrilled he
could eat with them.
His wife, however, had adifferent reaction.
She looked at him and whispered.
Did you lose your job?
He smiled and he said I lost 20%of it.
The next day, he went back towork refreshed and a bit more

(06:14):
committed to learning how to besuccessful and happy.
But there's another culprit.
If you have high functioninganxiety, your inability to
relax.
Perhaps for you relaxing mightfeel impossible.
But here's the thing.
Relaxation doesn't mean sittingaround doing nothing.

(06:34):
It means restoring your energyso you can keep doing what you
love.
Enjoy your wins.
Just this morning I asked aclient, how good are you at
relaxing?
She shook her head and said, I'mterrible at it, and she's not
alone.
You have your own story andrelationship with relaxation.

(06:54):
Maybe you grew up in a familywhere hard work was celebrated
and rest was seen as lazy orunproductive.
Maybe your parents were burdenedby illness or financial stress,
and as a child you stepped up toease their load, earning
validation for being responsibleand helpful.
Or maybe when you finally try torelax, your mind won't shut off.

(07:16):
Filling the silence with amental to-do list, whatever your
story.
Learning to relax is just likelearning any other skill.
Some people need to work harderin midlife, while others like
you need to become better atresting.
If I had to choose betweenstruggling to work harder or

(07:37):
struggling to relax, I wouldtake your issue any day.
So coping skill number one isgive yourself a daily dose of
happiness.
When I tell people they need tolearn to relax, they often
assume I'm going to suggest aweekend silent retreat or hours
of meditation.

(07:57):
Nope, that's not what I mean atall.
I want you to choose one smallthing each day that brings you a
little bit of happiness.
One of my clients told me shestarted walking to get coffee in
the middle of her workday.
Another said he watches hisfavorite game show to unwind.
Maybe for you it's going for awalk, listening to a favorite

(08:18):
song or two, or flipping througha book or magazine.
Personally, I love watchingvideos of my grandson if lying
around for two hours soundsmiserable, don't do it.
Relaxation doesn't have to looklike stillness.
It just needs to be somethingenjoyable.
Science even shows us that just15 minutes of fluff time each

(08:41):
day makes you happier, moreproductive, and less stressed.
So why not give it a try?
Which leads me to the nextcoping skill.
Treat your critical voice like apuppy.
That voice in your head thatsays, this is a waste of time.
Imagine it's a puppy that justpeed on the floor.
You wouldn't stomp on the puppy.

(09:01):
You'd pick it up, redirect it,and move on.
When guilt creeps in, groundyour feet.
Take a deep breath and let thethought pass.
Relaxation isn't a waste oftime.
It's restoring your energy.
And if you want extramotivation, ask the people
around you what your constantmotion feels like for them.

(09:24):
You might be surprised at theanswer.
In this episode we explored the80% rule, a science-backed
strategy that can help youreduce stress, improve
efficiency, and prevent burnoutwithout sacrificing success.
You'll also discover twopractical coping skills to help
you relax a daily dose ofhappiness, which encourages you

(09:46):
to take 15 minutes each day todo something enjoyable and treat
your critical voice like apuppy.
A mindset shift that helps youlet go of guilt and embrace
relaxation as a productive act.
This week, try the 80% rule justonce, then use the extra time to
relax.
Guilt-free.

(10:07):
Trust me, the sun will stillrise and set.
You'll get plenty done, butyou'll enjoy the ride a lot
more.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with more
creating midlife calm.