Ep. 144 How to Finally Feel Confident Setting Boundaries When Midlife Anxiety Makes It Feel Impossible

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Is anxiety stopping you from setting the boundaries you know you need?

Get a clear, simple strategy to move through fear and finally take action to get what you want and need.

In this episode, you’ll discover:

1. 5 simple, actionable coping skills to manage anxiety when it flares up around boundary-setting
2. Real-life client stories that show how midlife anxiety shows up in sneaky ways—and how to work with it
3. A practical script-building tool to help you set boundaries with confidence and calm

Start using these tools today to move through your anxiety and set boundaries that protect your peace. Listen now.

 

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover what to

(00:02):
do when your anxiety hijacksyour ability to set a boundary.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over

(00:25):
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today we're gonna talk about howto set boundaries with difficult
people, and one of thosedifficult people might just be
you.
In this episode, I'll review thepower of setting boundaries and
how to befriend your anxiety soyou can gather the information

(00:49):
it's trying to give you.
That way you can use five simplecoping skills to set boundaries
that honor what you need in away that connects both to
yourself and to others.
Let's begin with the simplefact.
You know what a boundary is.
In fact, you are already anexpert when it comes to
boundaries.
Think about it all day long,you're adapting and respecting

(01:12):
boundaries.
You stop at a stop sign.
You pick your kids up on time orclose to it.
You pass on the cake, go for awalk or make yourself go to bed
instead of scrolling, so you'llfeel better the next day.
As you know, boundaries are howsociety and individuals
systematize the acts of dailyliving to promote order and

(01:33):
health.
If you really think about it,boundaries are a superpower, and
one of the great acts ofwellness, physical and mental is
learning how and when to setthem.
Take a moment to think about theboundaries you do set day in and
day out the alarm rings.
You snooze once.

(01:53):
Then you get up, the bills come.
You may not really like wherethe money's going, but you pay
'em on time.
Your coworker might be annoying,but you move on.
Most people tend to focus on theboundaries.
They don't set, but it'simportant to recognize the ones
you do set that helps motivateyou to face the harder ones,
whether it's with someonedifficult or yourself.

(02:16):
Let's be honest, if you weren'tdecent at boundaries, you'd
probably be in jail or thehospital.
The real difficulty comes when aparticular need to set a
boundary arises, and unlike astop sign, it doesn't feel safe.
It feels scary, anxious.
Danger ahead.
You want to speak up, but youfreeze.

(02:37):
In fact, setting some boundariescan make you so anxious that you
avoid them altogether.
Let me give you an example.
I have seen many times in myoffice.
A midlife client finds out thattheir coworker, often younger
and with less experience ismaking more money.
They want to ask for a raise,but anxiety takes over.

(02:58):
They create a story in theirmind to talk themselves out of
it.
Raises are only given in Julyand it's March.
My boss gets offended whenpeople ask for raises.
I'm not supposed to know what mycolleague makes.
Let's assume all of these thingsare true.
Then what?
Well, you move to coping skillnumber one.
You know what it is by now.
If you're a regular listener,name tame and aim your anxiety.

(03:23):
Don't be afraid of yourself.
Boo.
You're not that scary.
So sit in a chair, ground yourfeet and gently place your hands
on your body wherever you feelthe anxiousness.
Then for 90 seconds, honor thefear.
Let it unfold naturally.
See where it takes you.
My client did this and foundtheir fear, led to anger, then

(03:45):
to a memory that a coworker hadasked for a raise just a few
months ago.
And got it.
Here's another example.
One of my clients couldn't getherself to go to bed after her
husband left their marriage.
She was grieving, but more thanthat, she was anxious about
sleeping alone.
For months, she slept on thecouch.

(04:05):
It left her exhausted insession.
She connected to her fear ofbeing alone in bed and
remembered feeling that samefear as a child.
She hadn't recalled it in years.
She then remembered how hermother created a nighttime
ritual.
Tea with milk, listening toCarol King's album tapestry and

(04:26):
a soft blanket.
She looked up and she said, Ithink I need to mother myself.
Wow.
Now that's some hard one wisdomanxiety is just the starting
place when you need to set aboundary, don't let it stop you.
It's giving you valuableinformation.
Some of it true, some of itfalse.

(04:46):
The only way to know which iswhich is to sit with it and be
curious to tend and befriendthat anxiety.
Which moves to coping skillNumber two, befriend your
anxiety, not by avoiding it, butby saying what is it you're
trying to tell me?
And then listen, really listen.

(05:08):
Deep listening.
As you know, some of what youranxiety is telling you is
fiction, but some of it might bewisdom, and your job is to
separate the two.
Let's go back to the client whowanted to ask their boss for a
raise.
Maybe in your situation, youjust want a weekend without
emails or shot at a promotion.

(05:29):
Start by befriending youranxiety and fear moving through
it, and then you're gonna noticethe information it brings you.
This client remembered thatanother colleague could ask for
a raise midyear, which actuallyspiked his anxiety, but also
gave him clarity.
led him to coping.
Skill number three.
When you wanna set a boundaryand you do this Inner work,

(05:53):
you're going to get clear onwhat you're afraid of.
Do yourself a favor and move itfrom your head to a piece of
paper, my client wrote down.
I'm afraid if I ask for a raise,I could get fired or I could
piss off my boss.
Woo.
That's a lot to carry.
Just getting it out of his mindhelped him begin to clarify the

(06:16):
story he was making up in hishead.
I then asked him to get mathy,look at those two fears and tell
me what's the percentage ofreality that either of those
could happen.
He responded, 0%.
I can't get fired.
We're too short staffed, but 90%I'll piss off my boss.
He's grumpy by default.

(06:38):
Okay, so now it's not acatastrophic scenario.
It's a tough conversation with agrumpy boss, and that's where
the real work can begin.
How do you handle a grumpy boss?
At first, my client wasfrustrated, but then he said
something surprising.
I actually feel bad for thisguy.
His job is kind of impossible.

(06:58):
Right.
His grumpiness is not about you.
And that brings us to copingskill Number four, create a
script and rehearse it.
I know this sounds so cheesy, sotherapist, but trust me, it
works, especially when you haveto set a boundary with someone
who's difficult.
Make your asks simple.

(07:19):
Respectful and fact-based.
You and I both know difficultpeople really don't care about
your emotions, so don't haveyour ask be rooted in emotions.
Have it be fact-based.
Boss, I first wanna say theobvious work is really hard for
all of us, and I know it'sespecially hard for you.

(07:40):
We're short staffed and I reallycan't imagine how difficult your
every day is.
But as you've noticed from mytimecard, I've been working
close to 50 hours a week.
I'd like to ask for a 5% raise.
I believe this would align mypay with newer employees, and it
would also give me moremotivation to keep giving my
all.

(08:01):
My client rehearsed this scriptin session and again at home
until it felt natural.
Not easy, but natural.
Remember when setting a boundarywith a difficult person,
validate their experience.
Then ask for what you need,using facts and this leads to
coping skill.
Number five.
You can set the boundary, butyou can't control the reaction.

(08:24):
You can ask for a raise, but youcan't make your boss give you a
raise.
Whatever your boss's reactionis, it's about him, not you.
Bosses can be bound by budgets.
They can be bound by a lot ofthings within the company that
they know are occurring that youdon't have access to, but that
doesn't change your role.

(08:46):
Advocate for what is best foryou.
In this example, the client'sboss didn't respond for two
weeks and woo.
Back came his anxiety.
This time my client named it,tamed it and aimed it with a
follow-up email.
His bosses reply.
It'll be in your next paycheck.
No, great job, no affirmation,just action, and that's a win.

(09:10):
The boss stayed grumpy, but myclient had the courage to move
through his fear and ask forwhat he felt that he needed.
Now, let's go back to my clientwho couldn't sleep in her bed.
The nighttime ritual helped fora few nights, but then she
returned to the couch.
Why?
Because the real issue wasn'tthe couch, it was the grief.

(09:31):
She said, it makes me too sad tosleep alone.
What that failed attemptrevealed was that she was
avoiding the deeper pain ofloss.
Sometimes you can't set aboundary, not because you're
weak, but because you'reavoiding something painful.
Avoidance is your best attemptto not feel the hard stuff, but
usually the long-term cost isn'tworth it.

(09:54):
So we made a deal.
She could stay on the couch ifshe journaled three times a week
about her grief.
She came back a few weeks laterand she said, I'm forced into a
life I don't want, I guess Ineed to figure out how to build
a life I do want, and it shouldprobably start with sleeping in

(10:15):
my bed That weekend, sherearranged her room, bought new
sheets and a comforter like theones from her childhood and
began to rebuild.
There are still occasionalnights where she's on the couch,
but her grief no longer stealsher sleep, and that makes her
anxiety much more manageable inthis episode, we talked about

(10:37):
the importance of settingboundaries with others and
yourself, how anxiety cansometimes make these boundaries
feel impossible, and I gave youfive coping skills to help you
move through the fear and takeaction.
Your Inner Challenge this weekis to choose a boundary you've
been wanting to set, use, nametame, and aim to befriend your

(10:59):
anxiety, and then move tocreating a script and practice
it.
Then try it out, whether it'swith your boss, your child, your
partner, or yourself, and I'llbe back on Thursday with a brand
new format called, But Mom,really?
My daughter is gonna team upwith me to challenge whether my

(11:21):
Inner Challenge is actuallydoable.
Who better than a daughter toset her mother straight?
Will my strategy survive herpushback, or will I have to
rethink them?
Thanks for listening to creatingMidlife Calm.